Misc.10.02.25

The Miscellany News

Employee union negotiations mark ongoing labor struggles

Julian Balsley, Hadley Amato News Editor, Assistant News Editor

On Thursday, Sept. 25, around 30 members of Vassar’s workers’ union and eight Vassar students gathered in the thirdfloor lobby of Baldwin Hall to support the union’s ongoing contract negotiations with the Vassar administration. Service Employees International Union Local 200 United (SEIU) represents around 265 employees on Vassar’s campus, including Dining, Facilities and Operations workers. According to SEIU Chair John Santiago, the union has been active at Vassar since at least the 1940s.

Those present were in high spirits, shaking hands, chatting and holding signs that said “Union Strong” and “We Love Vassar Workers.” It was not a protest: Attendees emphasized that they did not want to be disruptive, only use their presence to show solidarity. “We’re just here showing our support,” said Nick Amato, an SEIU Shop Steward. Shop stewards are union representatives elected by union members. “We’re just hoping for a fair contract. We appreciate everybody, students and staff, helping out.” He added by email, “[We] appreciate the College coming to many tentative agreements thus far.”

The negotiations come at a time when employees expressed feeling underappreciated by the administration. Andrea Hall, who is representing Gordon Commons employees at the negotiating table, related how

workers, as the ones on the ground making the school run, have the strongest rapport with students. Staff are the ones students see cleaning the dorms, serving them food and keeping the campus in good condition. Commenting on the daily interactions between students and staff, Hall said, “Just those few little seconds make such a big difference in that person’s day.” She added of the administration, “You want to turn around and give us peanuts. You’re not appreciating the little things we do.”

Another Vassar employee, who requested anonymity, recounted feeling that administrators lack respect for workers. They said, “It’s like they don’t acknowledge us, or they pretend, which I think is more insulting, they’ll pretend they don’t see [us]... We had a manager say we should be grateful we have these jobs because we’re nothing but a bunch of uneducated, overpaid morons.”

Often, according to the anonymous employee, staff are not given the equipment required to effectively do their jobs. “We don’t even use hot water to clean. They cut off the hot water in our janitor sinks,” they described. “We want to come in here and do our job, too. We like to say that our building is clean, but how can we do that if I can’t get a rag, I can’t get a dustpan, I can’t get a new shower machine, I can’t do my job really.”

According to the employee, the administration’s attitude toward its workers is, “Shut up and clean, shut up and cook, shut up and mow.”

‘TSITP’ revives girlhood

Sept. 17, 2025. It is 3 a.m.—nearly 4 a.m.— and I am glued to the seat of my Vassar-issued rocking chair. My hands reach for the sky like an old woman at Sunday service. Taylor Swift’s song “Dress” has just started playing, and because it is so late, I am not sure if I am dreaming. In a daze, I reach for my phone and frantically scream, “IT’S HAPPENING. IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING” into a voice memo for my oldest friend. She is on the other side of the country, studying at Santa Clara University, yet we have never felt closer.

Such is the magic of Cousins Beach. Amazon Prime’s hit series “The Summer I Turned Pretty” (“TSITP”) recently concluded its third and final season, taking the world by storm and undeniably earning the title of ‘show of the summer.’ Set in the fictional town of Cousins, Massachusetts, the show follows Isabelle “Belly” Conklin as she navigates love, loss and the growing pains that accompany the transition into adulthood. Creator, showrunner and author of the original book series Jenny Han, who also penned “To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before,” has long been praised for centering Asian-American protagonists and crafting heartfelt, female-led stories. In “The Summer I Turned Pretty,” she brings those same strengths to a new generation, helping

Samuel Eisenberg covers Trump and Kennedy’s recent speech on autism.

viewers feel seen and understood. Between its all-consuming love triangle and Taylor Swift’s discography at the heart of the show’s soundtrack, “The Summer I Turned Pretty” has become not only a cultural phenomenon but a means for women and girls around the world to come together in droves.

Like nearly every piece of culture-defining media, this show certainly lends itself to a factioned fandom. Epic love triangles of the likes of Rory’s Dean, Jess and Logan from “Gilmore Girls” and Katniss, Peeta and Gale from “The Hunger Games” have divided avid consumers of young adult content—such as myself—for years; it is a community that has always taken their silver-screen boyfriends very seriously. This summer, it was impossible to escape the ever-pressing question: Are you Team Conrad or Team Jeremiah?

From TikTok edits to Tumblr-style fanart revivals, the online fandom around the series has blossomed into a full-fledged cultural community. Hashtags like #TeamConrad vs. #TeamJeremiah trended for weeks, but beyond the romance discourse, fans are using social media to open up about real-life issues such as self-esteem, body image, heartbreak and mental health. Fan fiction sites have seen a surge in “TSITP”-inspired writing, often reframing Belly’s story in empowering ways or giving side characters the spotlight. Book clubs have formed on Discord, Instagram

See ‘TSITP’ on page 4

Vice President for Technology and Human Resources Carlos García and Associate Vice President of Human Resources Ginger Jurecka Blake wrote in an email to The Miscellany News, “We strive to support employees through ongoing dialogue, transparent processes, and by recognizing their contributions with fair compensation, benefits, and a healthy workplace culture… We remain committed to continuous improvement and to strengthening how we acknowledge and support our employees.”

A major factor in the negotiations is that Vassar workers are currently in the seventh year of a five-year contract that was meant to expire in 2023. Santiago and Hall both described the situation to this paper. During

the COVID-19 pandemic, SEIU agreed to a contract extension without the planned pay increase of 2.5 percent set to take effect on July 1, 2020. Hall recalled a small pay increase at the time of the extension, but was unsure of the exact percentage. She estimated that it was around 1 percent, but accounting for inflation, “We definitely took a cut.” SEIU agreed to a second extension due to Vassar human resources (HR) staffing issues, which expired on June 30, 2025. Since June, said Santiago, the contract has been extended again as an act of “good faith bargaining.” The current extension is slated to expire at the end of September. Hall felt that the administration was not

Whatdo Nutri-Grain Bars, Usain Bolt and Gracie Abrams have in common? They all enjoyed a recent video posted by Cole Smith ʼ26 on TikTok.

In the video, Smith discusses a recent “Hot Ones” episode, in which Keke Palmer shares a quick kiss with host Sean Evans. Smith was surprised to see this, as he had always assumed the actress was married. “What am I doing with my life? I am throwing my hat in the ring,” Smith says in the TikTok. “Sure, Sean Evans is a great guy, but wouldn’t you rather be with a college student who forgot to shave this morning?”

Though Smith admits that he does not have spicy wings like Evans, he does generously offer Palmer a raspberry Nutri-Grain bar—a delicacy which frequent diners at the Retreat may recognize.

Smith’s romantic proposal charmed millions. As of writing, the TikTok has garnered nearly 14 million views, and Smith’s follower count has soared to 45,000. Commenters flooded in to support Smith’s valiant effort, with user @squeakycheese_ commenting, “I formally support Mister Cole Smith in his bid for the hand of Miss Keke Palmer.”

The saga did not end there. Soon enough, word of Smith’s video spread all the way to

Shoe designer and entrepreneur Stuart Weitzman delivers lecture on taking the road less traveled.

Palmer herself. The Emmy Award-winning actress responded to Smith via TikTok’s “stitch” feature. In her video, Palmer states her admiration for Smith’s boldness. “I was kind of gagged when I found out I was 11 years older than you,” she continues. “The truth is, I’m not ready to be a cougar… but if I was, you’d be the first one I was calling.”

Allison Lowe, Luke Jenkins Managing Editor, Senior Editor

Image courtesy of Ben Regier ʼ29.

Leila Stark guest columnist See UNION on

Hadley Amato/The Miscellany News.

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Vassar employee union negotiates new contract

Continued from UNION on page 1 accounting for the multiple extensions in its contract proposals. “It’s not remembered. They’re not remembering our sacrifice,” she said, citing the fact that the HR staff on the negotiating team were not present for the extension agreements.

García and Blake wrote, “We deeply appreciate the resilience and commitment employees showed during 2020. During the pandemic, Vassar protected all jobs and avoided layoffs. Afterward, we provided pay increases and one-time payments to recognize employee contributions and stronger-than-expected budget outcomes.”

Negotiations for a new contract began last March, with the bargaining teams meeting over 20 times since then. According to Santiago, SEIU wants the new contract to maintain healthcare and pensions, in addition to raising wages above inflation. The inflation rate is currently 2.9 percent. According to Hall, the administration’s initial proposal was 2 percent, below inflation. Due to the ongoing nature of the negotiations, said Hall, “I can’t go to the next one they’ve proposed, but it wasn’t much better.”

Of inflation, Santiago said, “Everybody feels it across the board. We are asking the College to exceed inflation some so you actually get a raise. That is a point of tension.”

The anonymous employee described how

working at Vassar has recently become increasingly untenable. “There was a time when this job, this was all you needed,” they said. But now, “With rents being what they are, now a lot of people have had to go get second jobs just to stay afloat.” They continued, “We would just like respect or increase to get over this inflation. So people don’t have to choose when they go to the store, ‘Yeah, the kids need milk, but we also need toilet paper.’ No one should have to ever make that decision, but people have to make it.”

García and Blake wrote, “Vassar treats all benefit investments as part of compensation and provides SEIU employees with a comprehensive package—including healthcare, dental, vision, life insurance, and a pension—at no cost to employees.”

“We’re not having a conversation. We’re negotiating.”

Sitting outside the negotiating room during a recess, Hall said that she felt the administration’s team was not taking the bargaining as seriously as they should have been. “They keep saying, ‘I’m glad we’re having this conversation,’” Hall recounted. “We’re not having a conversation. We’re ne-

gotiating.”

Addressing the administration, Hall said, “It’s not looking fair, what you’re trying to give, and you want us to be considerate of a million and one things. You forget that we’re the backbone… Because we do have a fan club. They [the administration] don’t have that. The Trustees don’t have that. We have that.”

Students who gathered in Baldwin expressed support for workers and the negotiations. “We’re here because Vassar could not run without its workers. And students care, and we want to show that students care about the folks that work here,” commented Malia Weiss ’26, a member of Student Labor Dialogue (SLD). SLD is a collective designed to be student backing for Vassar employees. “As a student of this school, I stand behind the SEIU union 100 percent and I think that all the workers of this school are what make this place run, and I take their negotiations seriously,” said Moxie Thompson ’26. “I think we’re all paying attention and support them in their efforts to get a fair wage.”

Throughout the gathering in the Baldwin lobby and in interviews with this paper, SEIU members expressed appreciation for students’ support for workers and the negotiations. “We do appreciate all the students,” Santiago remarked. “It’s been a pleasure to have the students and a relief as someone

who’s been here long enough to understand what it means when students get involved. It’s heartwarming.” In an email to The Miscellany News, Santiago wrote, “Yesterday’s session did end with the College making slight increases in their wage proposal. We are still apart on wages but good faith negotiation is still being had. We have scheduled Oct. 9th for our next session.”

“Shut up and clean, shut up and cook, shut up and mow.”

“Vassar remains committed to bargaining in good faith with the union, balancing employee needs with responsible stewardship of resources so we can provide stable employment and deliver on our educational mission for generations to come,” wrote García and Blake.

The anonymous employee is also looking to the future. After recalling worsening labor conditions, a stagnating wage and feelings of disrespect, they said of the administration, “They don’t realize what they created. They don’t realize what they’ve started. And I’m not gonna tell them. I’m just going to let them find out for themselves.”

Trump and Kennedy deliver speech on autism

On Monday, Sept. 22, President Donald Trump and Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. gave a much anticipated speech on autism in front of the press at the White House. Both the President and the Health Secretary warned of the dangers of the over-the-counter pain reliever Tylenol and vaccines, linking both to autism, with the President saying, “The FDA will be notifying physicians that the use of...acetaminophen, which is basically commonly known as Tylenol, during pregnancy can be associated with a very increased risk of autism.” Kennedy and Trump both promised an additional $50 million million across 13 research projects focused on the mechanisms and potential treatments of autism.

Kennedy and Trump’s announcement also included allusions to potential future research into a link between vaccines and autism, something that has been floated by vaccine skeptics for decades. Despite many studies on the topic, no correlation between vaccination and autism diagnoses has been found. Vassar Associate Professor of Psychological Science Bojana Zupan said that while the initial studies were beneficial and conducted due to actual concern, current research in the field can be unproductive: “Now it becomes this conspiratorial pseudoscientific cross that they will bear forever.”

Similarly, Vassar Associate Professor of Sociology Catherine Do Tan said that the purported link between Tylenol and autism is a dangerous characterization. Referencing decades of research, Tan said in an interview with The Miscellany News, “There isn’t any sound scientific evidence to support the claim…It’s really harmful to come out and say that [Tylenol] is something that is dangerous.” Tan cautioned of a public health disaster, where people become anxious to take common, safe medications and vaccines.

This announcement also comes as speculation around research has increased, and as research funding has been broadly cut. These funding cuts have led to concern among students majoring in Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics (STEM) fields. The recent cuts to research funding have prompted conversations and inquiries among Vassar students, including Ryan Santos ’29, a prospective pre-med student, who questioned the use of the excess money: “If research funding is cut, then how will that money be repurposed?” Santos also expressed concern about where government controlled research could be focused: “The direction in which research is being guided is not one that has the common person in mind.”

In the second part of his speech, Kennedy incorrectly claimed that more than half of all parents of autistic children are convinced that vaccines were the culprit. He stated, “Some 40 to 70 percent of mothers who have children with autism believe that their child was injured by a vaccine.” According to a 2021 study published in the Journal of Child Neurology, this statistic is actually about 28.4 percent.

The Director of the National Institutes of Health (NIH), Jay Badacharia, also spoke during the event on Monday. He co-announced the 13-project, a $50 million initiative to study autism. “The NIH peer reviewers chose the 13 best projects focused on root causes and therapies with replication and validation studies to guarantee gold standard science,” he said. While Tan suggested that pushing money towards research projects into autism may be a good idea, she cautioned that top researchers may be looking for data and correlations where there are not any: “They’re going to crawl out of their project with something to show.” Tan also felt the studies were driven in part by economic incentives: “People are trying to make money off of this myth.”

Zupan shared a similar opinion in an interview with The Miscellany News, say-

ing, “Any talk of giving more money into research, I welcome that.” She cautioned that while $50 million may seem like a large amount of money for researchers, “gold standard science” requires much more. Zupan explained that such a standard would potentially involve thousands of patients and could cost millions of dollars: “It’s a double-blind, placebo-controlled trial, meaning no one knows what’s being treated and how, not the physicians, not the subjects to eliminate any potential for bias and placebo effect.” Despite the dangers of inaccurate scientific and medical information, Tan argued that a vaccine–autism link may give parents a path forward. She suggested that for such a link, “It offers them a pathway forward, a way of treating autism.”

Trump also falsely claimed that newborns and infants receive as many as 80 different vaccines all at the same time. In fact, the Center for Disease Control’s (CDC) own childhood vaccine schedule only lists 36 total recommended vaccine doses through age 18, with some vaccines needing as many as five doses spread over several years.

The childhood vaccine schedule has been thought out by scientists and experts and revised over decades. The schedule under-

goes annual reapproval by a board of experts, helping to ensure efficacy and safety. Trump, who has no medical background, asserted the following suggestion for parents: “Wait until the baby is 12 years old and formed and take Hepatitis B.” Trump continued, “I’m making these statements from me. I’m not making them from these doctors.” Tan found these statements alarming, saying, “People are not making these vaccine recommendations off of vibes.” Tan added that all of the recommendations were well-studied and thought through.

Zupan had a similar opinion, referencing research conducted by the American Medical Association. She said of a reduced vaccine schedule, “There is no reduced purported relationship to any neurodevelopmental condition, but what they do do is actually increase risk of communicable infectious diseases.” Zupan continued, “Because children are not vaccinated at a time that precedes greater exposure or potential exposure to those pathogens.”

Both Trump and Kennedy brought these issues to light for a specific reason. Failing to recall decades of research opposing their opinions, Tan said of the speech, “It’s a desperate search to blame something.”

Samuel Eisenberg Guest Reporter

Image Courtesy of Flickr.

The summer we re-discovered girlhood

Continued from ‘TSITP’ on page 1

Lives are flooded with character analyses, and even fashion influencers have embraced the “Cousins Beach aesthetic”—breezy sundresses, friendship bracelets and sun-kissed minimalism.

Unlike other fanbases, “The Summer I Turned Pretty” has done what the cynic in me thought impossible: united almost an entire nation under a common enemy. The rivalry for Belly’s love between brothers Conrad and Jeremiah Fisher came to a head this season, culminating in one of the largest nationwide celebrations since the Philadelphia Eagles won the Super Bowl back in February. Unfortunately for young Jeremiah, he has become the glue that has stuck an increasingly polarized society together in disdain. Rooting for Jeremiah’s downfall as much as wishing Conrad success in life and love brought us some much-needed community this summer.

Major cosmetic brands, the National Football League and Major League Baseball took to TikTok to express their pro-Conrad sentiments and weekly episode reactions. Han shared increasingly satisfying behindthe-scenes content as Belly and Conrad’s onscreen relationship grew stronger. Principle cast members Lola Tung (Belly Conklin), Christopher Briney (Conrad Fisher) and Gavin Casalegno (Jeremiah Fisher) were everywhere, appearing on billboards and the front page of tabloids, featuring in viral interview clips and even multiple articles from The New York Times.

From June until now, Belly Conklin and her boys have been inescapable. So too has

been the community their story brought together.

Rooting for Conrad—the brooding, emotionally complex older brother—has become something of a cultural phenomenon in and of itself, especially among young women who relate to his struggle with anxiety, family pressure and heartbreak. From TikTok tributes set to Phoebe Bridgers songs to meme-filled group chats—my own is called TEAM CONNIE BABY—cheering on Conrad Fisher has become a form of emotional solidarity. On X, fans have dissected his every glance and line of dialogue with academic intensity. On Instagram, reels romanticizing his sad-boy energy are racking up millions of views. But beneath the humor and crazed infatuation lies something real: a digital sisterhood built on shared emotional experience. For many, supporting a fictional character like Conrad offers a safe way to explore their own emotional growth and patterns in relationships.

What sets “The Summer I Turned Pretty” apart from other shows on the air is how it gives emotional nuance the space it deserves. Where many teen dramas hinge on shock value, Han’s show slows down, allowing characters—especially young women—to be soft, complex and flawed. Recently, Han took to social media to announce that this summery series will culminate not as suspected with Season Three, but with a movie set to come out in the next year or two.

Han herself is poised to write and direct this final chapter in Belly and Conrad’s love story, and I cannot wait for the cultural moment that it will inevitably inspire. With Sea-

son Three drawing record engagement and fan events growing in scale, “The Summer I Turned Pretty” is proving that stories led by and for women are not only commercially viable—they are vital.

Whether it is a teenager posting about her first crush, a college student rediscovering the books that shaped her or women bonding over a fictional boy’s soft side, the “Summer I Turned Pretty” community is a testament to how storytelling can forge real connection. For Belly, “Everything good, everything magical happens between the months June and August.” And for once, I might just be able to say the same for myself, thanks to Jenny Han’s innate ability to unify through her work—thanks to “The Summer I Turned Pretty.

Stuart Weitzman on the power of creativity, luck and risk

Unlike most boys growing up in America during the mid-20th century, Stuart Weitzman did not play catch with his dad. Weitzman was not swinging a bat around in his backyard, either. He did, however, have a creative hobby that Seymour Weitzman, his father and shoe factory owner, gave a thumbs up: drawing. “It was the Jon Gnagy drawing course… It was a course that taught you how to draw real things, and then the next chapter in the book was how to draw non-realistic things, to use your imagination. And that was great. It became my hobby,” Weitzman recalled in an interview with The Miscellany News.

Weitzman, the founder of the world-renowned shoe brand that shares his name, spoke about this connection with creativity and his entrepreneurial journey in a lecture at Vassar on Sept. 25. The event was co-sponsored by the Center for Career Education,

“You want your heart to sing when you’re doing something after university or college.... And if it doesn’t make your heart sing, go find the tune somewhere else, because that’s what you need.”

Contrast Magazine, Vassar Business Club and the Vassar Innovation and Entrepreneurship program.

Founded in 1986, Stuart Weitzman—both the brand and founder—had a distinct,

clear goal from the start: “I wanted to make the opening price point of footwear in a high-quality setting. So if you went into Bergdorf Goodman, our shoes would be right next to [Christian] Louboutin, or Manolo Blahnik, or Jimmy Choo or Prada. I never wanted to be the most expensive on the lower price floor. I wanted to be the opening price point on the designer floor, because it carries [an] image for you,” Weitzman told The Miscellany News.

An understandable, logical goal. The question, or perhaps challenge, was: How would Weitzman pull this plan off? The answer: celebrities. Standing at the front of the Villard Room with a grin on his face, Weitzman explained to the crowd that he has always had muses. Marilyn Monroe. Audrey Hepburn. Women who occupied one end or the other on the spectrum of glamour to subtlety, of innovation to timelessness.

“I needed a niche to make me stand out. On the red carpet, I noticed every actress had a different dress, but everyone had the same shoes. Everyone was making custom dresses, but no one was making custom shoes. I thought, wow, if I could do in footwear what people are doing in dresswear, maybe that could be my entrance into fashion,” Weitzman explained to the Vassar students who had come to see him speak.

One red carpet in particular turned Weitzman’s idea into reality. It was 1983 at the American Music Awards (AMAs), and one of the greatest muses of all—the “Queen of Soul” herself, Aretha Franklin—took off her shoes when accepting the award for “Favorite Soul/R&B Album” for her 28th studio album, “Jump to It.” In her left hand, she held the crystalline AMA award up. In her right, Franklin held her shoes up, a pair of Stuart Weitzman for Mr. Seymour—Weitzman’s father’s company—d’Orsay pumps.

“Aretha Franklin took off her shoes, and

not only showed them to the audience, but also to 30 million people. And she said, ‘I would like to thank Stuart Weitzman because these shoes are so comfortable and so beautiful.’” This moment, Weitzman explained to a wide-eyed audience, forged the path for the brand to become known as the shoemaker for the stars. “It was luck, but it wasn’t luck,” Weitzman exclaimed.

This mantra about luck applies to facets of Weitzman’s journey beyond his brand’s relationship to celebrities. Luck but not luck—this is how Weitzman determined the manufacturing location for his brand: Elda, Spain. When deciding where to manufacture his shoes, Weitzman planned tours in both Spain and Italy.

“I got to Italy, they had a four-hour strike at the airport. We couldn’t get our luggage. The next day, hotels had a four-hour strike. Then, the shoe factory I was supposed to see that was recommended, he was closed in the morning for a strike,” Weitzman recounted to The Miscellany News with a laugh.

“Next day, I fly to Spain to visit factories. My plane was delayed, and I got there [at] 10 of one. Well, in Spain, they have a siesta, and they’re closed from 1 p.m. to 3:30… I spoke to the owner, I said, ‘I have to catch a plane tonight at 6 o’clock. Can’t you keep it open and we’ll go to siesta, maybe four?” The owner’s response? To Weitzman’s surprise, a gleeful, “Yeah, sure!” Luck, persistence and compromise—this balance has provided Weitzman with silver linings and unlikely success throughout the years.

When luck and compromise are not enough, one four-letter word motivates both Weitzman and his business decisions: risk.

Risk is a core pillar of what Weitzman calls the “truisms” of business, entrepreneurial and creative advice that Weitzman asserts are universally true. Weitzman himself took one of the biggest risks of his life when he was

the same age as many of the Vassar students that composed the lecture’s audience. When he was a student at the Wharton School for Business at the University of Pennsylvania (Penn), Weitzman had a job lined up postgrad to go to Wall Street and work for the investment banking company Goldman Sachs. This plan was all despite the fact that Weitzman, from his childhood drawing with the help of the Jon Gnagy course up until his time at Penn, had loved both sketching and shoes.

But just as he was about to go off into the world of investment banking, a classmate introduced Weitzman to his father, a freelance shoemaker who was in a creative rut. Weitzman sketched 20 shoe designs, one of which was torn up by the shoemaker who did not believe Weitzman had created the sketch; Weitzman was asked to recreate his original drawing and, to the shoemaker’s surprise, he did. The man paid Weitzman $20 for each of the designs he produced. This fast-paced decision that rewarded artistic expression shifted Weitzman’s thinking about Wall Street. “It [Wall Street] would be so boring compared to the life I’ve led. The fashion industry is so much fun.”

Weitzman cited other “truisms” for his success too, including imagination, inspiration and the fact that it is impossible to be successful without the help of others. All of these may not be possible, however, without taking that initial risk. “Sometimes people are doing things in school that they feel they have to and they’re not going to have a happy career.” Stability is exceedingly tempting. But betting on yourself—betting on risk itself— can be promising too. Weitzman continued, “You want your heart to sing when you’re doing something after university or college. That’s what you need. And if it doesn’t make your heart sing, go find the tune somewhere else, because that’s what you need.”

Carina Cole Editor-in-Chief

Annie McShane/The Miscellany News.

Pratt House holds first ‘Coffee House’ of the year

Sophia Marchioli Guest Columnist

This past Thursday, I spent the evening at Pratt House alongside artists participating in the Coffee House, an opportunity for performers of all kinds to share their work in a low-stakes environment to an audience of fellow artists and art-appreciators. The Pratt Coffee House, created in the fall of 2024, will happen twice a semester and is run by The Office of Religious and Spiritual Life and Contemplative Practices (RSLCP). Organizer George Truax ’27 stated, “However, it would not be possible without the support of the Student Musicians Union, which gives us gear and is integral to our set up and clean up.”

Entering Pratt House on the night of the event, I was welcomed by wafts of hot chocolate coming from the kitchen and a sea of chairs, couches and pillows for audience members to sit on. Behind the chairs was an array of donuts, cookies and teacups filled with warm chai and hot chocolate to enjoy. The entire room was lit by dangling string lights, providing soft, warm lighting for the cozy event. Poet Hadley Snell ’28 stated, “The space is always so warm and welcoming,”

which is a great environment for artists to share their work.

The Coffee House hosts a wide variety of acts, ranging from poetry to solo guitar to singing and even magic shows. Truax stated, “As far as getting involved, you can prepare something you’d like to share with the group, or just show up and get inspired to go up on the spot!” Artists of all ages perform, from freshmen to even recent graduates. Jackson Best ’25 visited campus, and attended the event. Best recited a poem about their experience abroad and the beginnings of their life after Vassar. They then urged all new faces in Pratt House to continue attending the event because of the fond memories they had of it from the past year. Additionally, Snell performed a villanelle, a 19-line poem made up of rhyming patterns, and engaged audience members in a world painted by her spoken words. Snell stated: “Having the opportunity to share her poetry and hear other people’s beautiful words and music is genuinely such a healing experience.” Another stand-out act was the magic portion of the show. Audience members were asked to participate by moving cards around with their arms raised and wiggling their fingers at the deck. By the end of

the act, the audience was howling. Among the audience members was the new Associate Dean of the College for RSLCP, Reverend Callista Isabelle. Previously, the Rev. Sam Speers held this position, retiring after 26 years at Vassar. The Rev. Isabelle, an old friend of the Rev. Speers, comes from a background of collegiate ministry work. The Rev. Isabelle’s warm presence was felt at the Coffee House as she welcomed students in the door, and she stood watching the acts intently throughout the night.

The Rev. Isabelle and Truax have created a peaceful atmosphere in Pratt House. The space offers refuge from the hustle and bustle of a busy week at Vassar, allowing students the opportunity to share work that is close to their hearts or, like myself, just enjoy some art. I have attended two of these Coffee House nights now, and I look forward to going every time. The Pratt House environment seems to bring the best out of these artists as it offers a relaxed opportunity to test out anything they have been working on- whether it be finished or not. Snell introduced her poem by saying, “This poem is not nearly finished but I’m going to try it out.” Performer Cayley Swaim ’27 also mentioned that she had just finished this

draft of her poem that evening. The pressure is completely off, the environment is judgement-free, and as a result, artists seem to become inspired by the limitless bounds on their performances. Audience members like myself are also inspired. Chloe Bibula ʼ28, said, “I always feel cleansed after going to this event.”

Pratt holds a large host of events in addition to the Coffee House, such as various religious services, non-religiously affiliated craft nights, cooking events and more. Events will be posted with flyers around campus and in President Elizabeth Bradley’s Sunday email. Students can participate in the next Coffee House by keeping an eye on the RSLCP Instagram and posters around campus for information on the next event. Truax stated that each Coffee House poster contains a QR code, which is useful for artists who are seeking specific gear requests or have any dietary restrictions, although students are not required to fill out the form and are encouraged to just show up and play something if they would like.

Students can attend the next Coffee House, which is expected to be held within this semester.

Lorde’s ‘Virgin’ is a masterpiece of self-discovery

Brendan Kennedy Columnist

“Ibelieve that putting the deepest parts of ourselves to music is what sets us free,” Lorde declared in an email to fans announcing her fourth studio album, “Virgin.” Daring and peculiar, Lorde has finally returned with a new masterpiece.

It is no secret that Lorde gives it her all for each album she makes, separating the release of a new project to every four years. At just 16 years old, she released her first album, “Pure Heroine,” which cemented her place in the industry with shockingly specific lyrics on the teenage experience and production that wraps around listeners like a comforting embrace. Notably, the most infamous song from that album, “Ribs,” discusses the bittersweet nostalgia of growing up and the anxiety of approaching adulthood, encapsulated by warm synths and a rush of dreamy house-influenced sound.

Four years later saw the release of “Melodrama,” a flawless album that many would describe as Lorde’s magnum opus. “Melodrama” is a demanding piece of work, focusing on similar themes of growing up while also adding elements of heartbreak, solitude and self-discovery stemming from her first break-up. In her third studio album, “Solar Power,” Lorde focused on reconnecting with nature and finding solace in the natural world. Here, her sound is laid-back and peaceful as she produces a temporary escape from modern anxieties, such as social media and the pressures of being in the public eye.

I believe it is important to understand Lorde’s previous works before unlocking “Virgin.” The modern Lorde is an accumulation of her past works, crushing and squeezing itself until every part of her being has been challenged and self-examined. An X-ray of a pelvis with a visible IUD is how Lorde decides to picture “Virgin” on the album cover: slick, clear and raw. “Virgin” is a chef-d’oeuvre of creation and self-discovery. The X-ray demonstrates Lorde’s commitment to this album and era of her life—that is, being fully transparent. The cover is strange and distinctive, but so is she. Audiences are drawn to Lorde’s quirkiness and

transparent flaws; she is not afraid to be bold. Many of the lyrics on “Virgin” are jarring and bizarre, but all remain truthful to who the modern Lorde is.

The first song on the album, “Hammer,” begins with the beating sounds of an MRI scan, resonating as though Lorde is trying to pierce immediately into the listener’s mind. To Lorde, “Hammer” is an “ode to city life and horniness”; it is about letting go and realizing you cannot have the answers to everything. The sound is undeniably pure, and Lorde releases herself emotionally in a throbbing rush. On this track, Lorde also alludes to her gender exploration journey, a prevalent theme throughout the entire album: “Some days I’m a woman, some days I’m a man.”

The next song on the album, lead single “What Was That,” sees Lorde return to her previous “Melodrama” sound that is marked by crashing synths and a shimmering, confident energy. “What Was That,” conceptually, is an homage to New York City. The music video features Lorde riding around the city on her bike and dressed in typical streetwear fashion: a white button-down and jeans. At the end of her biking escapade, Lorde finds herself surrounded by fans jumping and dancing in the middle of the iconic fountain in Washington Square Park. Lorde was going to perform a surprise show here to follow the debut of “What Was That,” but in true Lorde fashion, she forgot to get a permit and was shut down by the authorities before the show even began.

“What Was That” is a song you can feel in your gut, distinctly flowing as though you are sprinting through New York streets, wired headphones booming and cigarette haze awry. Lyrically, Lorde discusses the lingering disorientation and regret of a long-term breakup where she struggles to make sense of memories. She captures both the euphoria and disappointment of the relationship, creating vivid scenes such as “MDMA in the back garden.”

The third track, “Shapeshifter,” keeps the momentum of the previous songs alive, as Lorde starts the track with a scream that fades into an anxious, minimalist beat. Lyrically, “Shapeshifter” discusses the complexities of identity, highlighting how Lorde

mentally shapeshifts to approach different romantic relationships, preferring shallow connections and avoiding intimacy. The height of the song sees the addition of strings in the production, creating a dramatic, euphoric feeling as Lorde spills her intensities: “I’ll kick you out and pull you in / Swear that you were just a friend / And when it’s all over again / Say I’m not affected.”

Other highlights on the album include the second single, “Man of the Year,” a powerful ballad in which Lorde embraces a shifting and increasingly expansive gender expression. Lorde has described herself as “being in the middle gender-wise” and has become extremely comfortable within the fluidity of her expression. In the music video, she sets duct tape over her chest and tumbles around in dirt, appearing to be captivated within her self-made spirituality. On “Favorite Daughter,” Lorde creates a jumpy, bubbly pop anthem where she reveals her strained relationship with her mother, directly juxtaposing the upbeat tone of the production.

Lorde addresses how she feels the need to perform and earn her mother’s love and approval through achieving success.

“Clearblue” removes the instrumentals altogether, consisting exclusively of Lorde’s vocals describing the intense feeling of taking a pregnancy test after having unprotected sex. Here, Lorde is extremely vulnerable, creating an intimate and sensual feeling. Her words are stark and poised; a mere pregnancy test drives home her own liveliness. “Broken Glass” is equally lively and shattering, as Lorde confesses an autobiographical account of her experience with an eating disorder, including the self-destructive behavior that comes with it. Despite the dark themes, the song’s upbeat tempo and the repetition of “It’s just broken glass” offers a glimpse of hope, as Lorde recognizes that this difficult period is not permanent and she can move past it.

The final track of the album, “David,” is a high point. This song is fleeting and animated, seeing Lorde talk through a culmination of the entire album: personal growth, self-realization and empowerment. This is symbolized by both the images of Michelangelo’s “David” sculpture and the biblical figures of David and Goliath. The climax of the

song sees the production being completely broken and scattered—a feeling that can only be described as watching the subway speed by, your hair flowing as the intense, warm lights flicker by.

“Virgin” is a vigorous album and can fundamentally be described as Lorde living truly open and honest. It is equally New York City as it is an exploration of self-discovery, creating a clearly unique project that only an artist like Lorde could produce. It marks a personal rebirth and a departure from her precious, carefree persona of “Solar Power.” “Virgin” is messy, but it is also deeply human, which is why I believe it is a quintessential listen of the year.

“Virgin” is a vigorous album and can fundamentally be described as Lorde living truly open and honest. It is equally New York City as it is an exploration of self-discovery, creating a clearly unique project that only an artist like Lorde could produce. It marks a personal rebirth and a departure from her precious, carefree persona of “Solar Power.” “Virgin” is messy, but it is also deeply human, which is why I believe it is a quintessential listen of the year. While Lorde begins to embark on her “Ultrasound World Tour”—a theatrical, self-discovering performance that features moments of intimacy and a stripped-down aesthetic—I will continue to fall into the “Virgin” cesspool, rushing through the city streets in an introspective world of my own.

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

Film major goes viral in ode to Keke Palmer

Palmer’s response brought even more attention to Smith’s ode. Her TikTok drew in five million views, and outlets such as People and USA Today covered the fateful interaction. Even with this press frenzy, The Miscellany News was able to secure an exclusive interview with the internet sensation himself.

Smith’s reaction to Palmer seeing the video? “I never in a million years thought she would see that. I felt like a thousand people would watch the video, so that’s why I had the confidence to post.”

Smith had created viral videos before, so he was immediately able to tell that this TikTok, in particular, was gaining momentum. After it reached around 10,000 likes in the first hour, he was shocked. He recalled, “I was like, holy shit, this is going to be huge.”

And huge it was. Celebrities such as Gracie Abrams and Usain Bolt liked the video, and the Nutri-Grain account commented, “btw it’s strawberry-flavored but 10/10 of-

fering.” Smith confirmed, “[Nutri-Grain] DM’d me. They’re sending me a package.”

Eagle-eyed Brewers might notice that

“I want to be, like, a comedian or a screenwriter doing comedy when I grow up, but the industry is such a mess right now. There’s just, like, no clear path to do it. So, I wanted to just throw it at the wall and see what sticks, and I guess this is a little bit sticking.”

Smith’s walk-and-talk-style video takes place in a familiar location: the path toward

the Gordon Commons, aka the Deece. He told The Miscellany News that he thought filming would be quick, saying, “And then I kept having to redo [takes], so I was just pacing back and forth.” Oh, to have witnessed history in the making.

As a film major and aspiring comedian, Smith began experimenting with content creation this summer, posting on TikTok and Instagram under the username @thefakecolesmith. This hobby helped to fill the time when Smith did not have much on his plate otherwise. He said, “I was just doing a landscaping thing I started a bunch of years ago, and then I was working as a part-time unpaid virtual intern for this Vassar alum who’s a talent agent.”

His hopes for the future: hopefully working in entertainment. “I want to be, like, a comedian or a screenwriter doing comedy when I grow up, but the industry is such a mess right now. There’s just, like, no clear

path to do it. So, I wanted to just throw it at the wall and see what sticks, and I guess this is a little bit sticking,” he stated.

Smith’s TikTok could serve as that stepping stone. He continued, “I just wanted something for my resume, honestly.”

Smith is Co-President of Comedy Normative (Com Nom), Vassar’s only non-audition-based comedy group. Their annual Family Weekend standup show, advertised with the tag “Com Nom Will Turn This Car Around,” took place on Saturday, Sept. 27, and featured Smith as the closing act. He mused about the absurdity of AdoptA-Highway signs, sharing his particular fascination with CPR Dave, a CPR trainer who advertises on the roadside.

Smith was humble at the performance, in a sling from an elbow injury, never mentioning the video. While he did not revel in his run-in with fame, the Vassar community sure will.

Can America take the joke?

were given a voice to question and provoke the powers which lorded over their lives.

Under the glaring sun, the hushed chatter of an excited crowd of citizens falls into silence as a troupe of comic actors walk onto center stage. The de facto leader of them, a distinguished woman by the name of Lysistrata, lays out her genius plan to stop the seemingly endless cycle of war, bloodshed and death plaguing her city: Until the violence stops, no one in Athens is getting laid.

At this crude declaration, the crowd of onlookers—similarly fed up with the grinding, senseless war—erupts in laughter. It is bold, it is obscene and it is exactly the kind of move only comedy can get away with. But beneath the giggles, there hides a biting truth: War is a man’s game and the women of Athens, left to bury their sons or wait idly for their husbands who may never return, are “armed to the teeth with rage.” They are ready to start a counter war of their own.

This is Lysistrata, Artistophanes’ seminal 411 BCE satire and one of the most iconic comedies of Ancient Greece. It is one of the earliest examples of satire doing what it does best—dressing up polemical political critique in dick jokes and other absurd, outrageous humor. In democratic Athens, satire was not just entertainment; it was civic engagement. Through Aristophanes’ plays and Lysistrata’s unabashed critique of the most powerful men in society, the people

From the open air amphitheaters of ancient Athens to the digital black box of today’s age, laughter has always had a powerful political edge and satire remains a disrupting and formidable force in democratic societies. It thrives on free expression, holds the powerful accountable and serves as a—sometimes crude—reminder that politics is too important to be taken too seriously.

In 2016, a couple millenia after Lysistrata combatted the male ego with feminine defiance, another woman stood center stage: Armed with a pantsuit and meticulously rehearsed smile, Kate McKinnon’s depiction of Hillary Clinton appealed to voters from televisions and phone screens across the United States every Saturday at 11:30 p.m. “Saturday Night Live’s” (“SNL’s”) jocular coverage of the contentious 2016 election was a satirical tour de force. Across from McKinnon, Alec Baldwin’s Donald Trump blustered and ranted with all the eloquence of a 6 year old in thick orange face paint and a wispy yellow toupee. Baldwin’s caricature was so over-the-top, so harebrained that it bordered on surreal… that is, of course, until it did not.

Through satire, “SNL” turned the anxiety-inducing election into a tragicomic spectacle for the masses, exaggerating every growing tear or flaw in the fabric of the American political system. Much like Aristophanes used all the illusions and knacks

of theatrical performance and writing to skewer the powerful and expose the contradictions of his own democracy, sketch comics of the 21st century continue to dice up our political dysfunction with a laugh track and ludicrous costumes. And much like in Athens, the joke often lands with an uncomfortable thud that people watching have a hard time trying to ignore.

In a world where traditional modes of journalism are losing the trust of the voting populace and facts are constantly being questioned or undermined, satire fills a powerful role that is half court jester, half truth-sayer and wholly plays the part of national therapist. Satire not only mocks democracy’s organized chaos, it captures it.

So, what happens in a world where satire is suppressed? What is democracy without men frantically gesticulating in a deadly accurate approximation of all-powerful world leaders? Where are we left when Lysistrata is banned from the Athenian forum?

Between Sept. 17 and Sept. 22, 2025, Americans found out just how dark democracy looks without laughter to back it up.

Jimmy Kimmel, a mainstream late-night comedian who has offered droll commentaries on American politics and pop culture since 1997, was effectively pulled off the air and suspended by ABC/Disney after remarks he made in the wake of conservative podcaster and activist Charlie Kirk’s fatal shooting. Kimmel used the opening monologue of his show to criticize conservatives who he felt were operating in bad

faith—“politicizing” the aftermath of Kirk’s killing, while claiming distance from the killer, a young conservative male.

In response, ABC suspended “Jimmy Kimmel Live!” “indefinitely” while major ABC affiliates refused to air the show— citing backlash over Kimmel’s “offensive and insensitive” remarks. Americans and defenders of democracy worldwide were, rightly, outraged and widespread boycotts of the studio resulted in Disney losing over $4 billion in revenue overnight, according to Snopes.

Although Disney reinstated Kimmel’s show to save face and recuperate losses, the event raised many questions: How much autonomy do satirists have when their platform is controlled by corporations, subject to regulatory oversight or influenced by political backlash? And, in a world increasingly focused on accountability, how do audiences, institutions and laws balance protecting free speech with maintaining public morals?

The answer is hard to scrape into a short answer, but one truth remains certain: Democracy, at its core, requires discomfort. It demands that leaders be questioned, that citizens stay awake and that no idea—not even the sacred—remains beyond critique. In every era, from the limestone stepped seats of Antiquity to the LED soundstages of 21st century America, when democracy wavers or tightens its grip, satire becomes not just entertainment, but an act of resistance.

Continued from viral on page 1

Eduardo Culmer Columnist

Image courtesy of Ben Regier ʼ29.

Image courtesy of Ben Regier ʼ29.

Is artificial intelligence the next step in animal communication?

Lora Janczewski Columnist

Have you ever listened to the quarrel of a group of sparrows and wondered what they were arguing about? Have you ever looked at your dog and wished you could have a back-and-forth conversation with them? With artificial intelligence (AI) growing in popularity, a common question starts to arise: Will AI become the window to animal communication?

Up to this point, communicating with animals has consisted of scientists observing the body language and vocalizations of different species and, in turn, categorizing these actions into logical assumptions about what the animal intended to convey. These speculations take years of observation and vary among species. Furthermore, this communication is one-sided: We observe and can guess what the animal is trying to “say,” but we cannot successfully reply. This is true for most animals, especially ones not in captivity or kept as pets. For animals that we are more familiar with, or that scientists have worked closely with—meaning singular individuals of a species—there have been instances in which back-and-forth communication has become a reality.

Take Bunny, the infamous sheepadoodle,

We assume that most, if not all, animals experience the same world as us, but this is not true. Unfortunately, this means that nearly all technology and architecture we make is for human convenience and would not be an effective way of sharing signals with animals, even if we did somehow “crack the code.”

for example. Bunny uses over 90 buttons to communicate with her owner in English.

She uses words any dog would know, like “walk” or “food,” but also more complicated ones like “stranger” or “please,” even using a “hmm?” button to ask questions. Her fascinating usage of these buttons took the internet by storm. But this would not be the first time an animal and their companion could communicate with each other. Koko,

and respond in a way that could directly translate our words into their language. This, of course, has not been done.

However, there has been an effort to use AI to achieve this goal. AI comes with a plethora of its own issues and discourse, but it has significantly impacted certain sciences and made some aspects of analy-

the gorilla, used American Sign Language to “talk” with her caretaker.

Although it is fascinating to contemplate the idea that these animals are conversing freely with us, it is not authentic communication. In both scenarios, the animals learned to respond to external stimuli and therefore connect certain words or actions with that stimulus—which could be food, the cat, the park, etc. After all, they seemingly learned English and only used the words and actions they were taught—true communication between two species would not look like this. Instead, it would be more beneficial for us to completely comprehend the “language” that these individuals use

sis easier for researchers. AI has its shortcomings when it comes to creativity and conceptual topics, but finding patterns and organizing data is not one of them. Because of this, using artificial intelligence to sort through collected data has made it more efficient for researchers to access complex and time-consuming information. So, although this technology is not quite ready to be chirping back to birds, it is helpful. For example, it can help in finding the differences between varying bird vocalizations, which may provide researchers with insight on what those signals and patterns mean to the birds.

Sensory ecologist and Professor of Biol-

ogy and Director of Neuroscience and Behavior Megan Gall, shares that there are limitations, though. She states that: “even though AI can show us patterns and information in different signals, many things are still challenging.” To begin with, you have to utilize psychophysics to truly understand how these organisms are responding to these signals. Psychophysics is the study of how an organism’s sensory system responds to and translates external stimuli; there is no other way to analyze these signals unless you get inside the brain of the animal—quite literally. So even though you might completely analyze the data from a bird call and play it back to the bird, there is no guarantee that the meaning you attribute to the call matches what the bird itself understands.

Another limitation of AI that Dr. Gall mentions is that it cannot generate the signals for animals, and even if it could play back some form of communication, it is highly likely that the animal will not interpret the signal in the way the researchers intend. This is due to umwelt, or the way the organism perceives the world around it based on the kinds of senses and physical attributes that it has. A well-known example of this is how a dog is colorblind but can smell up to 100,000 times better than humans. Clearly, they see—or rather smell—the world vastly differently from us. As a society, we often forget this difference in perception. We assume that most, if not all, animals experience the same world as us, but this is not true. Unfortunately, this means that nearly all technology and architecture we make is for human convenience and would not be an effective way of sharing signals with animals, even if we did somehow “crack the code.”

It seems that AI will, unfortunately, not be the liaison for human-animal conversation anytime soon. Only through more data collection and analysis will we really be able to understand the umwelt of the species around us. Understanding the way the world works for non-human organisms will ultimately help better urban planning and coexistence, conservation efforts and mitigating wildlife conflicts. This is a vital effort worth working towards. And, I mean, honestly: Do you really want to know your cat thinks your new haircut is lame? I did not think so.

MISCELLANY NEWS | VASSAR COLLEGE

Annie McShane/The Miscellany News.

Image courtesy of Tori Kim ’25.

HUMOR

From the desk of Emma daRosa, Humor Editor

Tragedy strikes: PB’s spikeball set taken for ransom, students demand goat milk at the Deece in exchange for safe return Breaking News

Bigfoot opens up about his run for mayor

Wren Buehler Sasquatch Surveyor

Much attention has been paid to the upcoming mayoral election in NYC, and for good reason. Still, as an advocate for local political involvement, I would be remiss not to bring attention to another equally contested race, far closer to home— the 2025 election for Mayor of the Woods. We spoke to would-be-Mayor Bigfoot about his policies, personal life and the unique struggles of independent candidacy.

The Misc: Let’s get right into it. A year ago, you were so reclusive that most assumed you didn’t exist. Now you’re running for Mayor of the Woods, complete with canvassers, ad campaigns and a billboard that appears to have been painted with berry juices and clay. What changed?

Bigfoot: Bigfoot feel that Bigfoot and Woods constituency no longer represented by either party. Democrats for progress, but Bigfoot like old ways. Republicans like old ways, but also like color red, which scare and confuse Bigfoot. Bigfoot decide someone need represent common sasquatch, and if no one else going to do it, Bigfoot will.

The Misc: What issue do you think is the most pressing right now?

Bigfoot: Easy. Bigfoot say environmental issues. Overfishing threaten delicious salmon. Cops fence off Bigfoot favorite water-hole. Logging run rampant, removing valuable habitat. Just yesterday, lumberjacks cut down Bigfoot house.

The Misc: And climate change?

Bigfoot: Obviously it important, but Bigfoot not like think about it. Climate change cause fire, and Bigfoot… Bigfoot not like… Bigfoot very scared of fire, okay?

The Misc: Forget I said anything. You’ve talked a lot about how these issues are important to you personally, Bigfoot, but could you elaborate on why you feel bestequipped to represent the constituency of the woods?

Bigfoot: Bigfoot only candidate who can speak to them.

The Misc: That’s a little presumptuous.

Bigfoot: Bigfoot not being metaphorical. Bigfoot only candidate that know language of birds, raccoons, deer. Even speak a bit of coyote. Bigfoot opponents categorically unable to understand needs of whole voting blocs.

The Misc: Ooh, ‘categorically!’ Nice vocabulary, Bigfoot.

Bigfoot: No patronize Bigfoot.

The Misc: …Sorry. I should ask, though: Several of your opponents, including Jason Smith and Llewerlyn, the Elven Princess of Autumn, have cast doubt on your ability to communicate effectively, given your… struggles with English as a second language.

Bigfoot: Bigfoot disgusted by this rhetoric. Bigfoot not want dignify it with response. Bigfoot say only this: I could use personal pronouns if I wanted to, but you can’t break boulders in half with your

hands, can you, Jason? Meditate on that.

The Misc: Compelling stuff. Anyway, I’m gonna rapid-fire a few issues, and I wanna hear your stance. City planning?

Bigfoot: Bigfoot fear cars. Cars too loud. Cars too fast. Bigfoot support walkable cities. Also stompable cities. Sneakable cities.

The Misc: Wildlife conservation?

Bigfoot: Bigfoot want be on endangered species list. Dating so hard nowadays, but

Bigfoot think a concerted breeding program might help Bigfoot find the one.

The Misc: The LGBTQ+ community?

Bigfoot: Bigfoot not really get it, but Bigfoot support anyone who like bears and otters. Bigfoot also want apologize for getting scared by lesbian couple. It not about who you love, it just that flannel remind Bigfoot of lumberjack.

The Misc: Wow. If only we could all be so tolerant. Thank you for your time, Bigfoot.

Kash Patel pinky promises he is doing a good job

Noah Daube-Valois Picture Book Connoisseur

The Director of the Federal Bureau of Investigations (FBI), Kash Patel, held a press conference in Utah on Wednesday to address concerns about his response to the assassination of Charlie Kirk. Patel was selected to lead the nation’s top investigation agency in February, despite having little experience in the field. Previously, he was a staunch supporter of the president, even penning a children’s book attacking Trump’s enemies titled “The Plot Against the King.”

“Today, I am excited to end weeks of speculation once and for all. I pinky promise, cross my heart and hope to die, that we conducted our investigation with the utmost professionalism,” Patel said. Sources close to Patel have revealed to The Misc that he regularly issues pinky swears to government officials, and he has been known to break them.

Almost immediately, a reporter asked

Patel about the status of the Epstein files.

“I am sorry to say that we currently cannot release any of the Epstein files.” Patel said “I will be releasing something in the coming months: my new children’s book, The Noble Investigator.”

Kirk’s assassination has raised questions nationwide about how the FBI can ensure future high-profile events have adequate security. This very discussion is what the agency will focus on in the coming months, Patel said. “We need to make sure that our country’s biggest events are completely safe. These include presidential rallies, political conferences and my eventual book signing.”

Much of the press conference was spent addressing text messages released to the public last week that were allegedly sent by the killer, Tyler Robinson. The messages caused suspicion for including words such as “vehicle” and “retrieve,” language many thought was overly formal for a member of Generation Z. At one point, Patel said it was

time for a “youth expert,” whom he regularly consulted with about his own writing, to give a quick testimonial. “Through my fieldwork, I can attest that this language is very normal for a member of Generation Z,” former Florida representative Matt Gaetz shared.

Patel returned to the podium to reveal additional text messages that he called “groundbreaking.” One such text wrote, “I know I will be caught soon, for Kash Patel is so smart.” Another wrote, “If I had committed this crime under the Biden Administration, they never would have caught me.” A third wrote, “Kash Patel is the Eric Carle of the 21st century.”

Although it was scheduled for 2 p.m., Patel did not arrive at the press conference until after 4 p.m. He was quick to give an explanation. “I am sorry for the delay. At 1 p.m., I ate through one apple, but was still hungry. At 2 p.m., I ate through two pears, but I was still hungry. At 3 p.m., I ate through three plums, but I was still hungry,” the very hun-

gry FBI director said.

Reports have indicated that Patel’s popularity in the White House has plummeted. One candidate being eyed as Patel’s potential successor is New York Republican Representative Elise Stefanik. Although most of her ideology aligns with MAGA, she has a past as a climate activist that some theorize would make her incompatible with the administration. As Patel explained, “I am not worried about Stefanik replacing me. She speaks for the trees more than Trump would please. Treat me with care, treat me with ease. I am the fine-something-that-allpeople-need.”

When giving a speech that commemorated Kirk two days after his killing, Patel made a comment many viewed as insensitive when he said, “See you in Valhalla.” As the press conference came to an end, and Patel was about to leave, he looked straight into the camera. “All I want is for this to end happily ever after. Mr. President, I will see you in Wonderland.”

Annie McShane/The Miscellany News.

New cannibalism station opens in Gordon Commons

Aidan McEachern Poughkeepsie People-Eater

On Tuesday, Gordon Commons opened its newest station, “Human,” which serves meat products derived from Homo sapiens.

The station is one of many new initiatives aimed at helping Vassar students expand their diet. An official statement from Bon Appétit notes that “Gordon Commons has always strived to offer a great variety of cuisine, balancing both nutrition and flavor. Our cannibalism station is the next step in this direction, giving students the unique chance to eat fellow humans.”

The menu for the new station changes weekly, with a set of offerings for breakfast, lunch and dinner. Morning options have included organ omelets and skull cereal, while lunch and dinner dishes include human-fingers, hand-burgers and even loose eye pie for dessert.

Moving forward, the program hopes to expand to grab & go options at both Express and the Retreat. Potential menu items for both could include “brain bites and teriyaki toes,” and according to Bon Appétit, “both would be served in plastic cups for convenience.”

Reactions to the initiative have been mixed. “I’ve never eaten a human before, but I came to Vassar to try new things,” said student John Munchand. Junior Ben Eatman was confused. “When I saw the sign, I thought ‘human’ meant it was

home-cooked food. But nope, you can eat humans…” Senior Sarah Tastetoe was excited to explore a new diet. “I’ve always loved sampling foods at the Deece! Can’t wait to get some kidney cake at Late Night!”

Some have been critical of whether the station could provide offerings to vegan, vegetarian and allergy-sensitive members

Vassar is one of many organizations taking part in a recent trend of cannbalized food products. Brands from Coca-Cola to McDonalds have embraced the fad, the first seen in the viral “people are yummy” TikTok challenge.

of the Vassar community. Currently, all Homo sapiens products are designated “VG” for vegan. Bon Appétit’s website explains that “the dishes are designated as vegan because they do not contain animal products—just human ones.” This marks Vassar’s entry into the controversial debate of whether cannibalism counts as being

vegan.

Vassar is one of many organizations taking part in a recent trend of cannibalized food products. Brands from Coca Cola to McDonalds have embraced the fad, first seen in the viral “people are yummy” TikTok challenge. Coca Cola is currently in development of its line of Diet Blood beverages, while McDonald’s began rolling out its “McPerson” cheeseburger in February. Vassar and Marist both adopted the trend

for the return of classes, with Marist debuting its new Cardiac Café in August.

While the future of the station is uncertain, one thing is clear: Whether you are a fan of person-eating or prefer the usual from “Home,” you’re sure to see cannibalism’s continued impact on the Vassar dining experience.

“Human” is located to the left of “Root,” and will be open daily from 10:00 am - 8:00 pm.

Looking beyond Fat Bear Week: lizards, rats, ‘roos, oh my!

Josie Wenner Cunning Rat

Fat Bear Week is an annual event held by the Katmai National Park and Preserve in Alaska to celebrate the pre-hibernation weight gain of Alaska’s many, many brown bears. The fattest bear of them all wins a prize of all-you-can-eat salmon. However, why should bears get all the attention? Other animals are just as lovable and fun, even if they don’t eat as much salmon as bears. Here are some other animal weeks I think we could do to celebrate the beautiful diversity of nature.

Skinny Lizard Week

The opposite of a fat bear is definitely a skinny lizard. Bears have fur, lizards have scales. Bears look huggable and full of love, lizards have scary faces. Fat bears are heralded as icons, and lizard beauty standards have gotten really out of hand these days. I mean, have you ever seen a fat lizard?

Shark Week

Sharks are kind of underappreciated, and often stigmatized. It would be super cool to have a whole week dedicated to them and their achievements. I wonder if anyone’s ever thought of that.

Cunning Rat Week

Rats are often praised for their intelligence, but also hated and seen as gross. During Cunning Rat Week, all the rats in the world would have to solve a series of riddles, and the rat who does it the fastest would be crowned the smartest and most cunning rat of all.

Pouchy Kangaroo Week

Crikey! Have you eevah seen a pouchier animal than the noble ‘roo, ‘Straya’s finest? Get yerself down ta the land down undah to see the pouchiest ‘roo you’ve eevah done seen! Crocodile Dundee! Shrimps on the barbie! Koalas!

Crazy Hamster Week

When my dad was a kid, he had a hamster who gave birth and then ate its own babies. I’m sure everybody has heard a similar hamster story. Crazy Hamster Week would be more like a support group for hamster owners to work through their trauma in a safe space.

Silly Spider Week

I’m so scared of spiders please get them away from me oh my god is that one in the corner EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE EK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stinky Skunk Week

For Stinky Skunk Week, everyone gets to pick one person they don’t like very much and each person gets sprayed by a different skunk. Whoever smells the most wins Stinky Skunk Week.

Short Giraffe Week

Everybody’s always going on and on about

tall giraffes with their long necks, but what about the short ones? They deserve love too. Short Giraffe Week would highlight the scorned, mocked and ridiculed giraffes who don’t get the love that they deserve.

Tenacious Ant Week

When I think ants, I think tenacity. What other creature could lift things up to 50 times heavier than their body weight? Not me, that’s for sure. Our little picnic friends deserve some recognition for their hard work and determination.

Majestic Horse Week

My friend Maria really likes horses and told me to put them in this article. To give a sense of her priorities, she has a framed picture of a horse on her desk and a much, much smaller picture of me off to the side. Majestic Horse Week would celebrate the beauty of horses around the world and inspire everyone to toss their manes with confidence.

Image courtesy of Aiden McEachern ʼ29.

HOROSCOPES

Emma daRosa Snuggle Bug

ARIES March 21 | April 19

PUT THE PAPER DOWN. NOW. I’M SERIOUS. Oh gosh, I apologize for yelling. You were about to get a papercut right on your finger crotch! You’ve avoided it for now, but it’s coming for you…

TAURUS April 20 | May 20

The next time you’re on the Metro North, make sure you bring a sick bag. Your tummy may start to hurt and you’re probably going to puke on the ground. Then you’ll have to fish a washcloth out of your bag and wipe it up while everyone on the train ridicules you. Sounds gross.

GEMINI May 21 | June 20

I know you’re feeling nervous about getting all your assignments done this week. I promise it is going to be ok. Just throw your laptop into Sunset Lake. Tell your professors the water chestnut ate your homework!

CANCER June 21 | July 22

You should focus on your relationships this week. Follow your campus crush everywhere they go. Change majors to theirs. Ask them for help with an assignment. Sneak baked goods into their backpack and paint a portrait of them on the Deece doors. Romantic!

LEO July 23 | Aug. 22

I don’t think it’s a good idea to keep wearing pants. Just feels like the wrong move for you. Don’t switch to shorts or skirts or anything either. Just let yourself be free. No more pants! No more pants!

VIRGO Aug. 23 | Sept. 22

You’re going to be a total sleepyhead all week. You should go curl up on President Bradley’s couch. I just think she would like that. She loves you!

LIBRA Sept. 23 | Oct. 22

President Bradley does NOT love you. Stop stealing the spikeball off her porch!!! Seriously though, watch out. I heard she’s acquired some spikeball guard ferrets…

SCORPIO Oct. 23 | Nov. 21

Everyone is going to think you’re such a cutie patootie this week! Get ready for lines of admirers coming to pinch your precious little cheeks aww mwah mwah mwah you’re so cute kissies!!!

SAGITTARIUS Nov. 22 | Dec. 21

I know you’ve been feeling down in the dumps about your family not coming for Families Weekend. You should just pick a professor to be a parent figure! Drop off some crayon drawings to their office, beg them for snacks and ask them to watch you jump into the AFC pool!

CAPRICORN Dec. 22 | Jan. 19

It may be time to shake things up! Try something new this week to zazz up your life. Might I recommend peeing into a Brita pitcher to see just how well it really works?

AQUARIUS Jan. 20 | Feb. 18

PISCES Feb. 19 | March 20

This week is going to be so awesome! Someone is going to sneak into your window in the middle of night and wriggle into bed with you. Snuggle buddies!!

You should get a lead test done on your water this week. You’ve been acting like you have lead poisoning. At least, I HOPE you’ve been acting this way because of lead poisoning.

We cannot ignore the attacks on academia

Eli Lerdau Guest Columnist

Igrew up in Charlottesville, Virginia, where I could see Thomas Jefferson’s Monticello from my elementary school playground. My parents are professors at the University of Virginia (UVA). At the end of June, the President of UVA resigned under extreme pressure from the federal government. The town was alit with anxiety; nobody knew, and most still do not know, if jobs would be safe, if programs would remain or if anything would ever be the same. This, however, was not an isolated event. The forced resignation of UVA’s president was the continuation of President Trump’s broader campaign to gut higher education. From the first day of his administration, he set out to target universities, painting them as dens of antisemitism and “wokeness.” Trump turned them into battlegrounds for his ideological war. Of course, these charges of antisemitism, beginning at Columbia University and Harvard University and later expanded to others, were clearly false. The idea of universities as hotbeds of secret antisemitism is laughable, and courts have repeatedly struck down these claims. But the point was not truth; it was to vilify the institutions that foster free thought and to strip them of protection until they bowed to power.

But why should this matter? Why should universities become the battleground for democracy? To answer this, we must return to the people whom Republicans love to cite, but hate to understand: our founders, more specifically, Thomas Jefferson. Of course, Jefferson was full of contradictions. He was a prophet of liberty, yet a slaveowner who built his university using slave labor and violently raped an enslaved woman. Still, his

words carry weight we cannot ignore. Jefferson founded UVA because he understood that the survival of the Republic depends on an educated citizenry. He believed that without education, freedom itself would vanish.

In his 1779 “Bill for the More General Diffusion of Knowledge,” Jefferson declared, “It is believed that the most effectual means of preventing this [tyranny] would be, to illuminate, as far as practicable, the minds of the people at large.” For Jefferson, universities were entrusted with equipping citizens to recognize tyranny in its early stages—the silencing of the press, the erosion of civic life, etc.— and giving them the tools to resist it. Education, in Jefferson’s mind, was not job preparation but a training for the preservation of freedom. This education was to be available regardless of economic class, although, as is typical of an 18th century white man, it excluded African Americans and, to an extent, women. It is foundational to democracy itself. It is no mere ornament of society; it is the safeguard. A free people cannot exist without the means to understand the world they inhabit, the rights they hold and the threats that endanger them. Ignorance breeds submission; knowledge breeds resistance. Universities equip us with not only facts but a critical lens with which to question authority and the skills to do so. They are the living engines of liberty, built to sustain the very possibility of democracy in our world. Trump’s assault on higher education is, therefore, not only unconstitutional. It is wholly un-American. It strikes at the very system designed to keep tyranny at bay.

Universities have always been at the forefront of resistance to tyranny, whether it be students marching against apartheid in South Africa, uprisings in the Eastern Bloc

or the revolutionaries in Syria. Dictators understand this, and Trump understands this. This is why he seeks to cripple universities. His campaign of tyranny has nothing to do with reform; it is about the annihilation of the liberated mind.

It is tempting to think that we are safe here at Vassar. We are a private school in a blue state with less name recognition than Columbia University or Harvard University. However, this is a dangerous illusion. Tyranny is totalizing, and it does not stop halfway. When dictators consolidate power, their sights fall on every institution, whether famous or obscure. History offers no shortage of examples: Augusto Pinochet executed Chilean professors, Adolf Hitler purged German universities and Joseph Stalin murdered scholars. Their message

was the same as Trump’s: Education is dangerous, thus it must be destroyed. Trump is going down this path, and it is happening in plain view.

To do nothing now is complicity. Thomas Paine warned in 1776, “Ye that dare oppose, not only the tyranny, but the tyrant, stand forth!” Silence is not neutrality; it is surrender. To remain quiet is to, in effect, grease the gears of fascism. We know what history says about those who watched oppression rise and stayed seated. They were not spared; they were consumed. One can simply turn to the people of Germany during the Nazi regime, who stood by as Hitler rose up and suffered in turn. We are now confronted with a similar choice. Either we do something now, or we will be led like lambs to the slaughter.

Ban laptops in class: it will be fun

Luke Jenkins Senior Editor

Laptops have overstayed their welcome.

They are now largely a hindrance to the academic culture Vassar intends to develop— one that encourages creativity, curiosity and independent thinking. The College’s administration should incentivize and assist professors in discouraging laptop use.

It is clear using a laptop, rather than paper, to take notes, is a worse way to remember content. Grades have been shown to slip when students use laptops in their courses, even more so among male students. But, let us think beyond measurements.

These bans will be fun! Not as an exercise in masochism but because of a potential for increased engagement in the classroom. The “fun” is quality discussion and burgeoning curiosity. The “fun” is a future payoff, beyond the easy gratification of texting under a desk for half an hour. The “fun” is an attention span we can use for a lifetime of fulfillment— the type of engagement missing from YouTube shorts.

For me, classes can be straight up painful to witness. Participation seems more of a hurdle than a goalpost.

Sitting in the back row of a Vassar lecture can feel like a “who’s who” of internet culture. You tend to spy a girl with a slick back bun browsing Pinterest for Halloween costumes. Maybe you see a boy toggling back and forth between Clash Royale and ChatGPT, using it to help him do his Logic homework—a logical move, of course.

For me, classes can be straight up painful to witness. Participation seems more of a hurdle than a goalpost.

These instances have become the new normal on campus, not an anomaly. Even if you are not using your laptop in class, seeing this happen around you negatively affects your academic performance. Because this has all become so normal so quickly, the situation is difficult to remedy.

Putting myself in the shoes of a professor— say, a flashy suede pair from Nordstrom— navigating how to regulate technology appears an unwinnable game. If I ban them, students might drop my class early. They might complain or ignore me completely. If I do nothing, maybe only five students will pay attention. I might get a better course evaluation; perhaps I will keep the job I traversed the “Slough Of Despond” to secure. But at what cost?

This is where the administration’s authority could be useful. Why not attempt a campus-wide proclamation or initiative, with carveouts when necessary for accommodations, so professors have something to tactfully blame a laptop ban on? Give them a little something to incentivize a change.

Because, at Vassar, where discussionbased courses rule the roost, 15 people playing the

Wordle or The New York Times’ Mini Crossword ensures discussion is bland. Discussion is already difficult to spur on without competing with Hay Day or Handshake. We need a way to move forward. Hold my hand when I say this: We need to be “fearlessly consequen-

The issue is with students on the edge, whose participation would increase with this encouragement. Those who might become all the more intelligent, eloquent and curious without Instagram stories encircling them.

tial.” A public administrative move could be that first step forward.

Our college frequently puts on programming promoting student wellness. But our wellness would also benefit from encouragement in the classroom. If we paid more attention in class, our work outside of class would be easier to complete. Fewer emails would be sent at 2 a.m.

Not all students or courses are suffering. Reality is never as simple—or as bleak—as my Nordstrom shoe thought experiment suggests. Many classes have plenty of engaged students, with no need for change. Some professors already discourage the use of laptops;

some students already use them responsibly. Others need laptops as an academic accommodation, which ought to remain permissible so that these students can comfortably participate, take notes, complete in-class assignments, etc. The issue is not with these students.

The issue is with students on the edge, whose participation would increase with this encouragement. Those who might become all the more intelligent, eloquent and curious without Instagram stories encircling them. We cannot force people to be invested in every class period. Some people are less inclined to talk in class and have different avenues to show off their chops. Sometimes you have a bad day and have to take a step back. But students who, day after day, refuse to engage in a course at all, become all the more easier to spot when laptops are banned. They no longer get to float on by as a member of the herd. This solution—for both well-meaning and uninterested students—is thus simple trickery. It was never about banning laptops; it was about incentivizing good use of our education. We should, as a campus, decide to have more “fun” and get up to more tricks. Who knows what we will learn because of it?

The “fun” is an attention span we can use for a lifetime of fulfillment—the type of engagement missing from YouTube Shorts.

Image courtesy of Eli Lerdau ʼ29.

OPINIONS

Is it okay to ignore your neighbors?

Zoe Rodriguez Guest Columnist

What kind of neighbor are you? If you are a college student living in a dorm, who lives across from you? Who lives next to you? Do you know them? What about when you were growing up?

Did you know your neighbors then? Neighbors are almost inevitable, no matter where you live. Upstairs and downstairs neighbors, down the block neighbors, across the street neighbors—we will always live next to people. Think about how you behave around them and the culture around your relationship. Do you interact with them? Do you ignore them?

If you are introverted or even independent-minded, ignoring your neighbors may feel the most comfortable. Ultimately, you have no obligation to these people. Like a randomly-assigned roommate, all you have to do is coexist with them and say “hello.” This politeness should be sufficient, because all of us have engrossing lives and more important relationships to develop. You live your life, and they live theirs. Your lives do not have to intersect solely because of proximity. They are just neighbors. After all, what purpose would that relationship serve you?

When we ask this question, we forget what other effects a relationship can have. Perhaps this deeper connection would not advance your life alone but instead enrich the environment you live in. Whenever I forget to nod hello to a neighbor or say “hi,” I cannot help but question why it is so normal to ignore our neighbors. Is this the way we have always lived together? If it is normal not to know your neighbors, then why did civilizations begin with people living in small villages? Why did our ancestors share meals and raise their neighbors’ children? Are we designed for that lifestyle? Or is it unfair to draw comparisons to these civilizations? The real question is: How are we supposed to coexist, and does it even make a difference?

Back home, my family lived next to this wonderful old couple. They would host a holiday party every year, and the whole street would gather and bring some kind of homemade dish. They would talk about the happenings of the town, tell stories, stay up late and just chat with each other. My neighbors did not have much in common—they were at different stages in life and had different beliefs and backgrounds—but they knew each other. They knew how their kids were doing in school, how their gardening project was going and how they could not wait for the street to be repaved. The relationships were not profound, but there was a community there, a backbone. When the old couple moved away, something changed on our street. Everyone seemed to be living their own lives a little more—there were fewer hellos, fewer check-ins, less noticing each other. It was as if the street had segmented off, and each house was living on its own little island instead of on the same road.

In my first year of college, I experienced the same phenomenon in reverse. It was a story as old as time. Before I befriended the kids in my hall, the living situation in my dorm felt new and scary. No one knew each other yet, and I felt truly on my own in my new room. Then came the classic development familiar to many Vassar students—becoming close with your Student Fellow group. These kids were conveniently my neighbors, so hanging out and getting to know each other was almost inevitable. Within weeks, we were hanging out in each other’s rooms, knocking on each other’s doors, lending each other things and going on adventures. It was a massive culture shock for me. When I tragically caught COVID-19 the third week, my friends dropped meals off at my door, wrote me little notes and brought me medicine. We had known each other for only a couple of weeks. Maybe it was proximity or the Student Fellow program. Maybe it was just luck that I ended up with such wonderful neighbors. However, there was something

immediate in the culture and standards we set up—something that clicked.

The little things we did for each other—the notes, the check-ins, the knocks on each other’s doors—provoked reciprocation. Small actions turned into genuine feelings of caring. Because we were so close, the proximity added another layer of benefit. Suddenly, I was not only living in my room. I was living in my hall: a larger space, a collective home. The old couple on my street back home had the same effect; they broke the stubborn individualism that is too often the default for American households and broadened the scope of belonging. Because of the people, it was no longer, “I live in this house,” it was “I live on this street.” The people who care make your home bigger.

It is one of my biggest fears to live in a place where people ignore each other— where neighbors exchange no words, go

about their business and keep to themselves. Yes, this is a silly biggest fear. It would not be the worst thing in the world if my neighbors did not say “hello,” but to me, it would be a small tragedy. As neighbors, we could share meals, lend a hand, keep each other safe and be connected. The same goes for college living. If you live in ignorance of your next-door neighbors, you miss out on a bigger feeling of belonging.

So, what kind of neighbor should you be? Truthfully, you are not a bad person if you ignore your neighbors. There is nothing wrong with that; you are just missing out. The next time you see someone you live next to, give them a wave. Extend an olive branch. It may be that nothing will come of it. But you may be surprised at how easy it is to start a neighborly ripple effect. You just might make everyone feel more at home.

Annie McShane/The Miscellany News.

Image courtesy of Karen Mogami ‘24.

Our goal with Brewers Ballin’ is to feature Vassar athletes who starred for their team the week previous to publishing. If you would like to nominate an athlete, please email hfrance@vassar.edu.

Brewers Ballin’: Panarelli nets last minute game winner Brewers Ballin’

Name: Gianna (Gigi) Panarelli

Year: Junior

Team: Women’s Soccer

Stats: Scoring the game winning goal against Liberty League foe Ithaca College, Panarelli ’27 continues her successful campaign for the Brewers. Panarelli is top five in goals scored and points for the Brewers this year. Playing in every game this fall, the Brewers have come to rely on the consistent play of the veteran forward.

Statement: “I feel like the team has been playing very well this season; we’ve all been working extremely hard and supporting one another. This team is full of talented and dedicated players, and it has been showing in the results we’ve seen on the field.”

Recently in Vassar Brewers sports

Brewers hire Carly Assimon as Head Women’s Basketball Coach

Assimon takes over following a stint at the University of Rochester serving as assistant coach and recruiting coordinator. The bar is set high for the first time head coach, as the Brewers look to win their third straight Liberty League Championship.

Jacob Raphan ’27 earns Liberty League Defensive Performer of the Week

The veteran goalkeeper led the Brewers to an undefeated week in which Raphan tallied fice saves on a 0.833 save percentage.

Vassar Athletics Approaches Day of Giving

On Oct. 14 to 15, the Athletics Department will kick off its annual #give2brew campaign. A 29hour rush to raise funds to support student athlete excellence. Look out for more info!

Image courtesy of Gianna Panarelli ’27.

Editor, Columnist

The Las Vegas Aces’ A’ja Wilson did not just win her fourth Kia WNBA Most Valuable Player and Co-Defensive Player of the Year; she also secured her place among the greats. At 29, she is now the first player in league history to claim the honor four times, surpassing legends like Sheryl Swoopes, Lisa Leslie and Lauren Jackson. Wilson’s season so far has left little room for debate. She has been averaging 23.4 points, 10.2 rebounds, 3.1 assists, 2.3 blocks and 1.6 steals. She not only leads the league in scoring, but also is shooting 42 percent from three and 50 percent from the field. These are career numbers that not only showcase her growing versatility but also her resilience.

The Aces spent much of the season hovering in the middle of the standings, but everything changed after an Aug. 2 loss to the Minnesota Lynx, a 111-58 blowout against the league’s top team. From that moment, Wilson powered a turnaround. She led the team to a 16-game winning streak, the second longest in league history, to close the season. Wilson averaged 26 points and 12 rebounds during that stretch.

She is now the only player to average at least 20 points, 10 rebounds, two assists, two blocks and one steal in multiple seasons. She logged 13 games with 30 or more points, the most ever in a single WNBA season.

Now with her fourth MVP in hand, all eyes turn to the playoffs. The Aces are

currently, as of Sept. 29, 1-1 in the Semifinals against the Indiana Fever. There is no doubt the Aces are chasing that third championship, and Wilson is playing some of the best basketball we have ever seen from the WNBA. If the regular season dominance can continue into October, Las Vegas has every reason to believe another title is within reach. The road will not be easy, though; the Lynx, Phoenix Mercury and Fever all stand a chance as well.

Playoff Predictions

After a fluke 34-point Game 1 from Fever guard Kelsey Mitchell, the Aces were able to bounce back and soundly win Game 2. Indiana prevailed at home, tying the series on Friday, with Mitchell having a teamhigh 25 points. With the dominant trio of Wilson, Jackie Young, and Chelsea Gray leading the Aces, the injury-riddled Fever have a difficult uphill battle in Game five, but, then again, anything is possible in a five-game series.

On the other side of the bracket, the Mercury put up a fight against the top-seeded Minnesota Lynx. Game 3 was a rocky one, with Napheesa Collier left with a hurt ankle and Coach Cheryl Reeve ejected by the end and later suspended from Game 4. Collier finished second in MVP voting, averaging 22.9 points per game, and was the projected finals MVP. It was shocking to see the star go down when everyone thought the Lynx had the finals secured. Game 4 on Sunday night, without their star power forward, made no difference for the Lynx, as they led the game up until the fourth quarter when DeWanna Bonner scored 11

of her 13 points and locked the Mercury in for the finals with three clutch threes.

Alyssa Thomas has also been the engine of the Mercury, proving she is impossible to guard, scoring the team high 23 points, eight rebounds, and 10 assists. This year marks the first time in WNBA history that the finals will be a best-of-seven series, instead of best-of-five. The Aces have a chip on their shoulder, with a winning streak that will go down in history.

On the other hand, the Mercury are on a mission and Thomas is making sure they take that championship. The two teams

have strong championship pedigrees, so it is impossible to know the outcome. All we know is that this will be a seven-game series of basketball that you will not want to miss.

Armaan and Holland’s Locks: [Disclaimer: This is not gambling advice] Las Vegas Aces to win 2025 WNBA Finals (+225)

Alyssa Thomas to win WNBA Finals MVP (-140)

Alyssa Thomas over two finals games with 30 PTS (+5000)

A’ja Wilson wins 4th MVP USA falls short of epic Ryder Cup comeback

Team Europe outlasted Team USA to take home the Ryder Cup for the second time in a row, the first win on United States soil since 2012, after an exhilarating final day at historic Bethpage Black.

The Ryder Cup is a biennial golf competition between the United States and Europe. The Cup’s roots trace all the way back to 1927 when the U.S. team defeated Great Britain in Worcester, MA. Since then, the former British team has expanded to include players from all over continental Europe. Unlike most PGA events, the Ryder Cup has no prize money and uses a match play format. As a result of these conditions, the two teams battle over three grueling days of golf for nothing but the pride of their homeland.

Day 1

The stage seemed set for American dominance at the 2025 Ryder Cup, as patrons filled the grandstands as early as 5 a.m. Bryson DeChambeau’s nuclear missile of a tee shot on the first hole only electrified the crowd even more. However, Europe weathered the storm of rowdy American fans and let their chemistry shine through. The pairing of Tommy Fleetwood and Rory McIlroy played near-perfect golf, and the clutch shots of Jon Rahm frustrated the American pairings. When the morning Foursomes play was finished, Europe had a commanding 3-1 lead.

An appearance from President Donald Trump, his granddaughter Kai and four U.S. fighter jets before the second session of the day promised to give the American

team the adrenaline it needed for four-ball play. It did not. The Europeans took it to the Americans in the afternoon, too, making the clutch putts where the Americans could not. In the face of the heckling home crowd, McIlroy sank several long putts and gave the patrons some of their own medicine, yelling out, “Come on! Let’s f—-ing go!” McIlroy’s tenacity helped the Europeans extend their lead to 5.5-2.5 in the afternoon.

Day 2

The European dominance continued on Saturday, as they became the first road team ever to sweep the opening four sessions of a Ryder Cup. The USA could not find a groove, despite all the talent on their team. This was certainly not helped by World ranked No. 1 Scottie Scheffler going 0-4-0 through the first four sessions. Scheffler became the first ever No. 1 ranked player to go winless through Foursomes and four balls at the Ryder Cup, and Scheffler is now winless over the last two playings of the event dating back to 2023 in Rome. Fleetwood of Team Europe was having the opposite effect on his team, starting 4-0-0 at Bethpage Black. The reigning tour championship winner nearly scored as many points himself (4) as the entire team USA (4.5) through Saturday.

On Saturday alone, Europe led for a whopping 76 combined holes over eight matches – compared to just six for the USA. With an advantage of 11.5-4.5, Europe held the largest advantage entering Sunday singles in modern Ryder Cup history.

Day 3

There was no shortage of drama on the final day as Viktor Hovland’s neck injury

required him to pull out of his matchup on Sunday with Harris English. The “Envelope Rule” meant both Hovland and English would share the point up for grabs, which ended up proving critical in Europe’s two-point victory. Keegan Bradley was noticeably dismayed with the enactment of the Envelope Rule. When asked about the USA Captain’s comments during his postmatch interview, Luke Donald was clearly dismissive, pointing to the multiple times the United States used the same rule in tight victories. Donald argued, “I think it’s been

in place since 1971. The U.S. have used it before. It happened in 1991 with Steve Pate. That was a tight Ryder Cup too, 14.5-13.5. It happened in 1993; Sam Torrance couldn’t play with an injured toe. The U.S. won that one.” But after the dust settled, the result solidified. Europe emerged with a 14-15 victory thanks to a clutch six-foot put from Shane Lowry to earn Europe their 14th point to retain the trophy, and then a final shot from Tyrrell Hatton to split his match with Colin Morikawa to win the Ryder Cup outright.

Holland Kaplan, Armaan Desai Assistant Sports

Holland Kaplan/The Miscellany News.

Casey McMenamin, Armaan Desai Sports Editor, Columnist

Henry France/The Miscellany News.

The Miscellany Crosswords

“Hear Hear”

By: Julian Balsley and Avery Epstein

ACROSS

1. Dr.s _____

4. Ira of “This American Life”

6. Protected by, with “under the”

7. Big shrimp 8. Boom!

DOWN

1. Vigilant

2. Roman religion

3. This clue has one 4. “Mind the _____!”

5. Do not share it

“Keep it Artsy”

By: Madeleine Nicks and Aurelia Harrison

ACROSS

1. Author of “The Island of Dr. Moreau”, abbrv.

4. Liz’s assistant on 30 Rock

6. What your romcom protagonist can’t be, in the end

7. Jack of “The Holiday” and “High Fidelity”

8. the “O” in “OTP”

DOWN

1. “You had me at ___”

2. Vocal reaction to Elle in The Kissing Booth, maybe 3. Facial reaction to Jeremiah in TSITP, maybe 4. You hail it 5. “Aah!”

Answers to last week’s crossword

“First

Impressions”

By: Sadie Keesbury

GAMES

By: Josie Wenner

In the word bank below, there are 16 words that belong to four categories. Each word belongs to only one category. You don’t know which words belong together, nor do you know what the categories are! Try to find similarities between them, and place them into four categories below. Answers (which words belong together, as well as the categories they belong to) will be revealed in next week’s issue. Have fun!

Example category:

By:

ACROSS

WORD BANK

BAT BADGER BELONGING BASKET BORE BRAVERY BEE BOTHER BROOM BELIEVE BONOBO BE YOURSELF BASES BEAVER BUG BALL

1. IATA code for smaller airport in Scotland city where Al Gore once spoke at a climate conference

4. Prestigious peace prize Al Gore won in 2007

6. Steve ___, Chief Counsel and State Director for Al Gore when Gore was a senator.

7. Al Gore’s climate-conscious diet of choice

8. The action Al Gore did against George W. Bush in the 2000 presidential election (present tense)

DOWN

1. What Al Gore could have possessed had he won the 2000 election

4. Month presidential election occurs in, abbreviated

2. “I beseech thee,” informally. IE, imploring someone to vote for Al Gore

3. SNL cast member Thompson who once appeared in a skit with Al Gore

5. Abbreviation for larynx nerve condition (that hypothetically could produce a sexy voice like Al Gore’s)

1: Toyota Car Models COROLLA PRIUS TACOMA HIGHLANDER

“B COOL”

“Al Gore 2028”

Carina Cole and Emma daRosa