Being A Lesbian, That’s Easy Right? JASMINE MORGAN
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our simple steps: change how I dressed, walked, talked, and approached people I wanted. That’s a lie. Growing up, I was conflicted in believing I was meant to be what was introduced to me at an early age. At the time, I did not know any better; young and naïve, I thought this was me. I was in the eighth grade when those familiar urges reappeared. My “best friend” (at the time) and I used to hang out all day, every day. It was something about the way she smiled, the way she talked, the common interest we had, and even the way she moved that caught my interest. At the time, I was in denial of those feelings until my ninth-grade year, in third period. I can not forget that day we were sitting in science class, passing notes; I could smell the sweet perfume she had on. It was some fragrance from bath and body works. A tingling feeling went through my body when I realized I had a crush on her. She told me she was bi-curious. I thought, here is my chance, but she was looking at someone else. Bi-curious is curiosity about trying an intimate relationship with the same sex. After that day, I started to present myself as someone gay. I knew I was not interested in boys at the time, I had many boyfriends and could not kiss them, or I would give them a peck on the lips. Everyone asked me, “who turned me out” or “who was my first” I always ignored their questions because it was none of their business, but to be honest that’s another story for another time. In my eleventh-grade year, my mom went through my phone and saw the
messages I was exchanging with other females. Before that year, I tried to explain my feelings about women to my mom. She did not believe me, but when she went through the phone, she knew I was serious about dating women. Of course, she was not pleased and thought I would grow out of this phase once I hit college, but she was wrong. My mom did not know what she was talking about; I was going to marry a woman, and we would have kids, or so I thought. Although I had “girlfriends” in high school, I never went farther than the third base with them, but in college, it was a whole different ball game. I hit a home run with one and fell in “love.” Of course, now I know it was not love, but I was a simp at the time. I used to put myself in dangerous situations to make sure they were okay. Eventually, that relationship ended, and I started messing around with my high school crush. Do you remember the one I was talking about earlier? My “best friend.” Sometimes the person you thought you always wanted ends up being no good for you. The person I thought I once knew was no longer there. She changed for the worse, and it was not a pretty worse. Maybe I always knew that but only saw what I wanted because I was infatuated with her. People may look good on the outside, but their hearts will show their truth. There was so much chaos and confusion with each relationship/situation-ship. It was overwhelming. In my fourth year of college, my interest in women slowly faded when I realized
I was more interested in people’s minds. Although I was still fooling around with females, I was still open to dating a male, but I had to be interested in his mind. Who was I kidding? I could not work myself up to dating a guy. I could not let go of women. No matter my circumstances, I would not leave them alone. I admit I was miserable; it seemed like every woman I talked to had some dirty laundry with them. I did not think being a lesbian would come with so much mental, physical, and emotional chaos. It was at a time when everything seemed to be going wrong in my world. I was tired of having low self-esteem, feeling miserable, and wearing a mask to make it seem like I had it all together. I thought I knew who I was. It was supposed to be those four simple steps to define my character. At my lowest moment, I fell to my knees and pleaded to God to help me figure out who I am; that was one of the few things I asked Him in that prayer. After that, he revealed parts of me I did not know about myself every day. I am sure you are wondering: “Do I still like women?”. Right now, my heart is solely set on God, and I would not have it any other way.
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