When Love Ends...

By Terri Ho

Love conquers all… or does it? Most believe the saying means love can conquer any hardships, difficulties, and challenges.

Yet why do people go through divorce?

Frommy experience, love does not conquer all. I am a financial planner who specializes in working with individuals thinking about or currently going through a divorce. I work with individuals and their families to navigate through their finances pre- and post-divorce. This allows me to help the attorney achieve an equitable divorce settlement, in other words I help you get what’s rightfully yours for the time you have dedicated and invested into the marriage.

Don’t get me wrong I am not cynical about love, in fact I am a huge proponent when it comes to love because it is a beautiful and rewarding experience. However, I believe all women should be financially independent regardless of who your significant other is. You should be responsible for your own finances and have basic knowledge of finance. Think about it this way, the world revolves around money, and we cannot survive without it, so why would you not take the time to learn and have a relationship with money?

My mother went through a traumatic divorce and was held captive because my father took care of all the household expenses, and she had little to no knowledge of finances. From her experience, she instilled in me the importance of having my own money to avoid being put in compromising situations where your partner has control over your life. Of course, I listened to her advice, but I never fully understood why until working with individuals going through a divorce and being able to witness the ugly side of love.

I’ve seen women who have invested anywhere from 10 to 30 years of their lives into a marriage helping their partner build their business to become a multimillion-dollar business by staying home to take care of the children or giving up their own goals and passion to relocate to support their spouse. Then waking up one day to their spouse asking for a divorce or infidelity. Now what? These women have relied on and trusted their spouse financially over all those years, and now he’s trying to take everything with no remorse. Therefore, I stress the importance of having your own money, a “Plan B” is what I call it. I believe you should share a joint savings and checking account but also have your own checking and saving accounts.

If you are going through a divorce currently, first off, my heart is with you and remember YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. It is ok to take time to yourself and sulk however, you must give yourself a deadline when the sulking ends and you pull yourself together to face reality head on. Unfortunately, when a divorce has been filed, time does not stop and there is limited time to get things in line. There are a lot of steps to sort through and for the sake of having to read an essay versus a short article I will share a few tips to get you started.

aInterview and hire a knowledgeable attorney that will advocate for you. If you cannot afford the cost, your lawyer can ask the judge that your spouse pays for it, but it doesn’t mean it will get approved.

aThis is by far the most important step, get organized and start gathering important documents pertaining to everything you and your spouse owns. How you win a case is by having lots of supporting facts to prove your case. (If you need a document list, please don’t hesitate to ask me for one) aHire a knowledgeable financial planner that works with divorcees, they will help you have an idea of what your monthly expenses will be and what to ask for as a monthly spousal support. They will give you the future implications of taking one asset versus another. Your attorney knows the law but very few know finances. Your final mediation will be the most important day, this is a fire sale of all your assets within a matter of a couple hours. After the divorce is final, there is no going back to renegotiate. Choose wisely. aDo not spend all your retainer on sharing your emotions and feelings with your attorney because they charge by the hour. Hire a therapist who specializes in working with divorcees. Yes, we can ask your friends and family for advice, but it will be biased, and you need someone who is neutral to sort through your emotions. aWhatever monthly spousal support is agreed upon during the divorce will most likely be your alimony, so it is wise to make sure you work with a financial planner to cover your basis. aLast but most important advice if it was your spouse who filed the divorce.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY OR BE BULLIED FOR TAKING WHAT IS RIGHTFULLY YOURS. You would not be in this compromising situation in the first place if it wasn’t for your spouse.

To the magical readers of Magia Magazine, please don’t hesitate to reach me out if you have any questions regarding finances or divorce.