Sorrento Bowling Club Magazine Issue 97 March 2024

“PARTICIPATION – ENJOYMENT – SUCCESS”

From Your Editor

Welcome

Welcome to another edition of our news magazine! Hope you like our cover. This is a sunset over Sorrento. As we go further into 2024, let's reflect on the triumphs, challenges, and camaraderie that continue to define our Club. From thrilling matches to heart-warming moments on the green, there's plenty to celebrate and share in this issue. So grab a cuppa, or a beer, and settle in to read our latest magazine.

Some more "Did you Hear" and "Did you Know"

Did you know that Keith Minnett played bowls with Nick Brett, the UK famous lawn bowler, who is widely celebrated for his precision and strategic prowess? His smooth delivery and unwavering focus make him a formidable opponent. Nick Brett's impressive career includes multiple victories. Brett is admired for his sportsmanship and dedication to the game. Now we know where Keith got his talent and bowling skills – from one of the best bowlers in the World.

Did you know that Life Members Graeme Whitehorn and John Abercrombie can perhaps be excused for feeling they are somewhat immortal? The reason? Take a look at the Honour Board listing Sorrento’s Life Members and you’ll notice Graeme and John are the only ones who don’t have enough room alongside their names to have a deceased asterisk inserted. Thanks to Jim Woodward for this useful observation!

Did you know that new recreational member, Matt Owen, is a project manager/technical specialist in instrumentation and airborne data acquisition. He works for Xcalibur Smart who perform Airborne

Assorted Bits and Pieces

Meet Ethel, Mildred, Agatha, and Clarence, four dapper lawn bowlers from 1938 in regulation dress-length attire!" This cartoon was up on the wall at the Glen Forest bowling club just outside the ladies toilet!

One Pennant day, when we were under pressure, there were five top bowlers watching us lose and drinking beer. How are we supposed to win?

An easy mistake to make! A man was VERY disappointed after ordering a 34-year old Escort online and then got this!

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth!

Spider Webb was a bit confused when he saw these signs on our new synthetic green!

geophysical mapping so, if you need geophysical mapping help, have a chat with him. Matt and his mate Dave are both bowling well and will be great in our Pennant teams when they are ready. When I told Matt that I was always looking for things for our news magazine he suggested articles on the following:

• The styles, victories, and impact on game of bowling legends.

• A guide on etiquette, sportsmanship, opponent respect, and how to foster a welcoming atmosphere.

• Tips and insights on improving our deliveries, techniques, footwork, and body positioning.

• A personal narrative of a bowler's journey from novice to mastery, including challenges faced, lessons learned, and the joy of achieving milestones.

If any one of our readers would like to write a piece on one of the above suggestions, please let us know.

Did you know that Jeff and Lesley pass 12 bowling clubs when they travel from their home in the Perth Hills to the Sorrento Bowling? Jeff tells me the trip takes about an hour each way. We are indeed lucky to have Lesley and Jeff in our Club and hopefully they will not get tired of travelling! The clubs they pass on the way are Mundaring, Kalamunda, Glenn Forrest, Ellenbrook (Valley), Inglewood, Mount Lawley, Nollamara, Yokine, Bayswater, Wanneroo. Warwick and North Beach

Did you know that Kevin Coffey has given up on ponies. middies, schooners and pints and now prefers a jug?

Kevin needs a special shout out for all the volunteering he has done in our Club – from Friday night's Joker to new backing on all our ditches. We are indeed lucky to have volunteers like Kevin.

Did you hear about the latest scandal rocking our Club? It seems Shelley decided to take her bowling technique to a whole new level by giving Roger's bald head a good luck rub and then his leg too! Her husband, Bob, sitting opposite and a keen observer of all things, couldn't believe his eyes!

Shelley's defence? She insists it was an innocent mistake, claiming she mistook Roger's head for none other than her husband Bob's!

Did you know that Aaron Ziz is very good at working out the likely sections winners based on actual and potential draws and current scores? He tells me he was good with arithmetic but was bad when it came to Algebra and Geometry!

Did you know that after sky diving last year Carmel Hyde is now planning to swim with the sharks at Hillarys? Her son Stephen, who plays for Yanchep, says she just needs to learn how to breathe properly with a snorkel. Carmel tells us that she already knows! Hopefully we will get a photograph for the next news magazine.

Did you hear about when 3 Blue were playing Belmont on the last end they ended up 16-16, 17-17 and 18-18 on three rinks? Fortunately, the 4th rink won so 3 Blue got six and a half points to Belmont's one and a half!

Comments, Letters and Messages to your Editor

We joined Sorrento in May 2023, from Joondalup, and although it was a bit further to drive from our home in Currambine, we popped by one afternoon to check it out and immediately felt welcomed by a few members who asked us to join them. It didn’t take us long to fill in our forms and sign up. We have thoroughly enjoyed our time here and met some great people and have enjoyed the banter the members and everything that happens in the club. We watched the nationals and it was great to be a part of that. We love our social roll up with our ten friends from Joondalup and I can honestly speak for Lynne and Gordon Plenderleith, Jan Boekestein, George Smart, Roy Alexander, Tom Henderson, Dave Munnings, Jacques Hugo, David Jackson and Sally Woods who are all pleased that they made the right decision to leave Joondalup and are very happy being at Sorrento. Kind regards – Kathy & Mark Donoghue

Robyn Rowe and her husband Graeme

Bob and his Grandson. Note the sympathy bandage!

"Mad Dog" and his "brother" Mike. We have been told that they go to the same hairdresser

John and Robyn swanning around Vietnam!

Ron Taylor and John Abercrombie looking happy!

Kerry, George, Colin, Phil, Ron, Larry and Larraine enjoying Australia Day

Volunteers Brian Allcock, John Keddie, John Jackson, John Hobbs and Les Burnett helping with the dishes after the Social Christmas party

Thank you for such a wonderful No. 96 news magazine. I was particularly pleased to see the articles on Ian Wittber and John Sanders. I saw John and shared a few moments with him on a train from Perth not long before he died. The article provided by Alan McFadden was also very interesting and enlightening. We are so lucky to have him. And I'm sure readership of the magazine will be huge - that our sponsors will be completely pleased to have such good exposure.

–

Phil Oldershaw

Hi Neville, I am extremely proud to have served but nobody has ever acknowledged Sorrento's Vietnam Veterans in the wonderful manner you have on page 54 of this edition. lt's extremely well written and proves you have a great passion for this delicate subject. They were very difficult days and I hope the other seven blokes feel the same way about it as I do.

– Jim Woodward

The SBC News Magazine is fantastic, Neville. You've put in a tremendous effort, and members of your club must be proud of your outstanding work!

– Con Migro Yokine Bowling Club

We have not renewed our membership for the 2023/24 season As members for many years, we always appreciated and enjoyed your magazine. It contained a wealth of general content which we found most informative and interesting. We hope you receive plenty of positive feedback from members to ensure continuation of the magazine in whatever format. Denise and yourself deserve a huge vote of thanks for the time and effort you have put into the delivery of such a great Club asset. Warm regards and best wishes to you both – Anne and Frank Lilley

Thanks to following who continue to help with our news magazine: Bob Stevens, ChatGPT, Mark Douglass, Shona Carter, Pat Dichiera, Matt Owen, Mike Hodge, Ian Johnson, Kerry Hutchinson, Kathy Donoghue, Brian Cuthbert, Stan Brickell, Anne and Trevor Orton, JanPan, Denis Croker, Keith Minnett, Jim Woodward, Moita Dean, Dan Greig, Paul Dohert, Brian Staples, Alex Third, Kevin McKersey, Michael Hughes, Di McGivern, Ken Partridge and Kevin Coffey for their contributions.

Complaints:

Brian Keily told us that his wife had spotted an error on page 4 of our last edition. We wrote "Here we are in February already" when the news magazine was issued in January. Apologies but this was my fault as I failed to change February to January! It is good to know that wives read our magazine. We also had one member tell us our article on "Appreciating the Dedication of Our Volunteers" was too long! I told him I needed five pages to do justice to this important topic.

You didn't ask us but.....

• You never appreciate what you have till it's gone. Toilet paper is a good example!

• The main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure all the furniture in the house is in place!

• Try to remember, the greener grass across the fence may be due to a septic tank issue!

• Did you know that on the Canary Islands there is not one canary? And on the Virgin Isles? Same thing – not one canary either!

And one more thing........

– Thanks to JanPan for this useful information.

Dear Lord - Please give me a sense of humour, give me the grace to see a joke, to get some humour out of life, and pass it on to other folk.

– Neville and Denise Odell

Match Report

Women's Pairs Championship

In early December, 20 teams enjoyed a perfect morning for bowls. A straight knock-out was played leaving the five winning teams to play off

• Lorraine Clarke and Jan Goddard +8

• Jan Cook and Liz Marshall +3

• Larraine Brickell and Sue Delavale +12

• Jennifer Page and Shirley Palmer +17

• Kath Harris and Charmain Harris +7

After some closely contested and exciting games we ended up with a final between Sue/Larraine and Kath/Charmain Harris. The score was six points each on the eighth end but the Harris team managed to pick up two fives, on the 9th end and 12th end. Sue and Larraine put in a great fight but the Harris team went away with a 22/9 win to win two in a row.

Men's Fours Championship

In January after the qualifying games, we ended up with four teams. The semi-finals were between Ross Cunningham, Warren Elliott, Des Russell and Gerald Hanna ("The Kiwi Crew") against Peter Auguston, Gary Bayne, Mark Douglass and Adrian Rose. It was a closely contested game with scores quite close up until the mid-point of the game, however, the Auguston team then started to get on top with some very consistent play and ended up winning six of the last nine ends, albeit by only small scores, but enough to hold the Cunningham combination at bay until the final end, winning 15 shots to 9.

The second semi-final Dan Greig, Jim Spencer, Jeff Thomson and Brian Staples against Murray Hulbert, Alan Walton, Peter Flack and Peter Morgan started with the Greig team leading by four shots after four ends. By the thirteenth end the fancied Hulbert side looked in control until they inexplicably dropped five shots on the fourteenth end. They recovered quickly by picking up three shots on the fifteenth end and by the start of the eighteenth end there was a two shot advantage to the Greig side. All set for a very tight finish. Ultimately, the Greig side played a percentage game on the last end and restricted the opposition to take a one shot lead on the final

end, which wasn't good enough to take the win. Final score 17 to 16. This left the grand final to be played out between the teams of Greig and Auguston in the afternoon. This game also started very evenly with scores tied up until the tenth end. On the eleventh end the Auguston team surprisingly gave away a five and followed on with another four dropped on the twelfth end, generated in large part by the entertaining and skilful bowls of "Mad Dog" Spencer. This was ultimately too big a lead to give to the determined Greig team and while the Auguston team never gave the game away, (winning the last five ends) it was too big a lead to give away. The "Shock and Awe" team's final score 25 to 21 after the twenty one ends.

Ladies Triples Championship 2024

The was held in January in very hot conditions with eight teams.

The four semi-finalists were Sandy Everest, Kaye Martin and Jennifer Page who played Wendy Saul, Liz Marshall and Diane Cox with Team Saul winning 19 to 12. In the other semi-final Kerry Hutchinson, Anne Sauerwein, and Lesley Hughes played Pauline Bourne, Jan Cook and Coral Smith with team Bourne winning 16 to 8.

The final was Team Bourne, our champions for the past two years, playing Team Saul. It was a really tight game going down to the last couple of ends with a result of 13 to 11 to Wendy Saul, Liz Marshall and Dianne Cox.

Mixed Pairs Championship

In the first semi-final, Lee Leach and Ronnie Rogers proved to be too strong beating Liz Marshall and Bruce Eagles 19-11. The highlight of this game was one of Ronnie`s drives which after a few glides/wicks managed to leave only his teams four bowls on the rink. In the other semi-final Wendy Saul and Murray Hulbert beat Anne Sauerwein and Matt Sharratt 18-11.

In the final both leads, Lee and Wendy, started well and it was a tight struggle with Skips Ronnie and Murray showcasing some great draw bowls. At 12-11 after nine ends and with Lee continually getting bowls in the head, Ronnie edged ahead 18-12 and then 22-14 after 15 ends. With Murray needing to chase shots the game finished 23-17 to Lee and Ronnie. Congratulations go to Lee and Ronnie who now have their names on the trophy for the fourth time.

Ladies Fours Championship

This year we played this competition as a round robin. There were only six teams nominated to play, so each team played five games over the two days

of the event. All round one games went down to the wire with our three winners being:

• P Boardman, K Hutchinson, N Porteous and N Atheneides

• S Everest, S Delavale, J Cook and L Brickell

• P Marsden, A Sauerwein, S Palmer and R Woodward

Round two winners:

• P Boardman K Hutchinson, N Porteous and N Atheneides

• P Bourne, L Leach, W Saul and C Smith

• M Dean, C Greig, J Power Tuke and J Page

Round three winners:

• M Dean, C Greig, J Power-Tuke and J Page

• P Bourne, L Leach, W Saul and C Smith

• C Harris, S Carter, L Hughes and K Harris

Our final round winners were

• P Boardman, K Hutchinson, N Porteous and N Atheneides

• S Everest, S Delavale, L Brickell and L Marshall

• P Bourne, L Leach, W Saul and C Smith

A big congratulations to winners

Pauline Bourne, Lee Leach, Wendy Saul and Coral Smith with a score of 12 + 33. The runners up were Sandy Everest, Sue Delavale, Lorraine Brickell, and Jan Cook/Liz Marshall with a score of 9 +2.

Horrible Bowls Etiquette

— Or how to upset the opposition with a bit of gamesmanship

Committees around the World have discussed the etiquette of lawn bowls at length with many words written about this contentious subject. I thought it might be useful to record how, by ignoring all this advice, you can deliberately upset your opposition with a bit of gamesmanship thereby increasing the frequency of winning a game.

Remember gamesmanship is the art of winning without cheating. If the art is applied against you, it is dirty play: the other way round it is clever psychology.

Here are some suggestions:

Obscure the peg

A good way to start is to stand in front of the peg. Several bowlers use the peg to get their line so make sure you get in the way. Movement in the head as your opponent is about to bowl is also a useful distraction. A variation on this is to surreptitiously move the peg. (See paragraph below on S.P.O.G.S.)

Sledge

As in the courteous game of cricket, exchanging words with the opposition to put them off their usual game by getting them to lose concentration is known as sledging. It is a good way to “psyche out” an opponent and may lead to an unexpected decline in their performance. It is therefore recommended next time you want to get an advantage you “chirp like a canary”. This niggling may result in your opponent putting down a bad bowl

Encourage the drive

When your opponent is on the mat, wiping down his bowl, try to encourage a drive, as this risky action could lead to the loss of his bowl. This is a good strategy to adopt especially if the person has been drawing beautifully all afternoon.

Argue and kick

Another way to upset the opposition is to argue vehemently about the number of bowls removed from the head during measuring. Kick counted bowls away from the head so that there is additional confusion. Deride the opposition Third if he puts down his duster for placing counted bowls.

Alex Marshall, the Scottish bowling maestro, took 'checking the shot' to a whole new level in the World Indoor Bowls final. At a crucial moment, he got on his knees, hoping for a miracle. When reality hit, and he found out he was one down, he decided to roll with it—literally. There are no explicit rules against such actions. However, if you want to create a disruption to disadvantage your opponent perhaps this might be seen as a humorous and quirky moment rather than unsporting behaviour.

Show impatience

The etiquette rules say that the mat is yours until the bowl comes to rest. If your opponent steps off the mat to watch his bowl, get onto the mat and prepare to bowl. Show impatience if he takes too long to get off the rink.

Make extraneous noises

Humming, passing wind, coughing, flapping arms, dropping bowls, calling out to spectators or casting a shadow help and remember it is always a good idea to loudly applaud their bad shots.

Block the view

Finally, if your opponent likes to stand on the mat and watch his bowl until it comes to a complete stop walk up in front of him so that he cannot see the line his bowl is taking.

Foot faults

As your opponent is about to bowl remind him about the new foot fault rules. This will make him aware that you are watching his feet, and this will put him off his game. If they continue to cheat call the Umpire.

The Surreptitiously Positioned Object Disciple (or the S. P. O. D)

Within the ranks of the fine upstanding bowling fraternity, there exists the S.P.O.Ds. They are instantly recognizable as they emerged from the clubhouse loaded down with spare bags, a duster, a Thermos flask, the daily newspaper, a spare sweater and a waterproof. During the trial ends the S.P.O.D will take careful note of the correct lines and surreptitiously position the aforementioned objects on the bank, as

guiding marks for the forehand and backhand in both directions. The trick is to move his carefully placed objects when he is in the act of delivering his bowl. Initially moves of a subtle and fractional nature are recommended but once the S.P.O.D has become totally distraught make larger moves.

Talk to the opposition’s bowls

Although we all know that bowls are deaf lumps of plastic it is nevertheless useful to shout or laugh at your opponent’s bowls as they come into the head. Comments such as “Miss everything” or “No wicks, no wicks” are particularly useful. If you get a lucky wick claim that it was deliberate. If your opponent gets a wick describe it as lucky.

Exaggerate problems

Whenever the opposition complains about the rink or one side of the rink you should immediately and sympathetically agree with these viewpoints saying that you agree entirely that the backhand (or forehand as the case may be) is impossible to play and that such a surface should not be presented for serious pennant play. Exaggerate the problems! Underline the fears. By sympathising excessively with the moaning opponent who grizzles about the team, the weather, the green and the wind.

Finally remember: “If you want to beat somebody on the bowling green, just get them mad”.

– Neville Odell

Speeding Drivers and Clever Solutions!

Onceupon a time, in the serene realm of a rural highway, Farmer Jack faced an unprecedented challenge. The once peaceful road had transformed into a bustling thoroughfare, where the thunderous pace of traffic threatened his beloved free-range chickens—falling victim at an alarming rate of three to six per week.

Frustrated and determined to protect his feathered friends, Farmer Jack took matters into his own hands. He dialled the local police station, pleading for action against the reckless drivers jeopardizing his poultry paradise. "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he implored to the local police officer.

In response, the officer, keen on resolving the issue, asked, "What do you want me to do?" With a desperate tone, Farmer Jack exclaimed, "I don't care; just do something about those crazy drivers!"

The next day, the diligent policeman orchestrated the installation of a sign that read "SCHOOL CROSSING." However, three days later, Farmer Jack called once again, unsatisfied. "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The 'SCHOOL CROSSING' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

Undeterred, the dynamic duo decided to try a new tactic. A sign was erected, boldly proclaiming "SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY." Surprisingly, this had the unexpected effect of accelerating the traffic even more, leaving Farmer Jack exasperated.

Driven by determination, Farmer Jack proposed a solution of his own. "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?" He inquired. In a bid to quell the persistent farmer, the accommodating officer replied, "Sure. Put up your own sign."

And so, the calls to the Police Station ceased. Intrigued, the officer couldn't resist the urge to uncover the secret behind Farmer Jack's success. He dialled Farmer Jack and inquired about the situation, "How's the problem with the speeding drivers? Did you put up your sign?" With a triumphant chuckle, Farmer Jack proudly declared, "Oh, I sure did, and not one chicken has been killed."

Intrigued, the officer decided to investigate. He drove out to Farmer Jack's abode, eager to witness the magic behind the sign. As he approached, his jaw dropped in amazement at the sight:

NUDIST COLONY – SLOW DOWN AND WATCH FOR CHICKS!'

Editor's Note: Farmer Jack has brilliantly transformed a road safety concern into a humorous spectacle, successfully slowing down drivers and ensuring the safety of his precious chickens.

– Thanks to Stan Brickell for this story

God's Creative Design for Seniors

On the 8th day, when God was having a bit of fun, He created Seniors. Yes, those wise folks who pre-date the pill, population explosions, and everything else that came after.

Before God hit pause on the heavenly remote, seniors were already here, casually strolling through a world without TV, penicillin, and Frisbees. They were the "Original Gangsters" of a time when chip meant wood, hardware meant hardwear, and software was just a non-existent mystery.

Seniors lived in an era when timesharing meant togetherness, not sharing memes on social media. They got married first and then lived together – talk about quaint! In this golden era, men didn't sport long hair and earrings, and women didn't don tuxedos. Girls believed cleavage was something butchers did, not a fashion statement. Batman, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer, and Snoopy were yet to make their grand entrance, and the idea of explaining CIA, MS, NATO, UFO, JFK, ERA, or IUD felt like deciphering alphabet soup.

But God wasn't done with His cosmic comedy routine. He blessed seniors with the gift of forgetfulness, turning glasses and keys into a real-life game of hide-and-seek. The divine decision to induce coordination challenges was all part of God's quirky exercise plan, encouraging seniors to bend, reach, and stretch – the original yoga for the elderly.

And let's not forget God's creative design for bladders. Seniors were graced with additional calls of nature, leading to more bathroom trips and unintentional cardio workouts. God, in His infinite wisdom, was basically saying, "Seniors, you need more steps, and I'm here to help."

So, if you ever find yourself muttering under your breath about misplaced keys or wondering why you're suddenly doing impromptu yoga, just remember – it's all part of God's plan for a good laugh.

Today's seniors, the hardy bunch that survived the world's makeover, have truly mastered the art of gracefully aging, one chuckle at a time.

– Based on an American Lawn Bowls Association's 1987 Bowls Magazine

"Schooners and Harmony of the Quartet"

Step right up, folks, and behold the spectacular tale of the Pennant quartet – the dazzling Dream Team that's been setting the sports world ablaze since October 2022! This isn't your run-of-the-mill tale of talent and skill; oh no, this is a saga of camaraderie, coordination, and the delicate art of balancing a ball game with a beer belly.

4th member Missing in Action

Murray, Glenn, John and Wayne, known as "The Fab Four" not only conquer their opponents but also have the elusive art of team synergy. It's not just about scoring points for these maestros; it's about scoring points on the camaraderie scale. In 54 games, they've emerged victorious 35 times.

But wait, there's more to this dreamy quartet than just scoreboard dominance. Off the field, they've created a bond so tight, it could rival the molecular structure of super glue. Known for their post-game love affair with drinks and banter, these lads have elevated the art of celebrating victories to a whole new level. Forget about trophies; they measure success in schooners. Six after each game, to be precise. That's right, 1296 schooners collectively – and that's not even counting the heroic efforts of one team member during the actual games. It's a spectacle of athleticism and beer-drinking prowess that has never been seen before.

As they continue raising their glasses – and the bar for post-game celebrations – we can all take a sip of wisdom from their play book. Here's to the "Dream Team", where winning isn't just a statistic; it's a state of mind, accompanied by the clinking of glasses and the occasional hiccup of victory. Cheers to the champions, both on and off the field!

Want to give 103%?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If:

is represented as:

The Breakdown:

Let's break down the components:

Hard Work: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

Knowledge: K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

Attitude: A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

The Surprising Revelation: But then, there's more:

Bullshit: B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

Ass-Kissing: A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

Conclusion:

With mathematical certainty, this breakdown reveals a startling truth: while hard work and knowledge propel you forward, it's attitude that paves the way to success. However, it's the combination of bullshit and asskissing that propels one beyond conventional limits, shedding light on the dynamics of achievement in various spheres of life.

Armed with this mathematical perspective, one gains insight into the dynamics of success, offering a new lens through which to understand the journeys of individuals in various pursuits.

– Thanks to new member – Brian Cuthbert

What to Remember as We Grow Older

√ Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

√ Life is sexually transmitted.

√ Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

√ Men have two motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

√ Give a person a fish, and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet, and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

√ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

√ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

√ In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.

√ Life is like a jar of jalapeño peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

– Thanks to Alex Third for this useful list

The lost bowls bag

Early in the season after a home game, I was in a hurry to get home as we were having grandsons over for a pizza night. My job was to light up the wood fired pizza oven and do the cooking. After drinks with the

opposition, I rushed out and grabbed my bag, put my hat on and shot off home.

As I walked into the house I glanced at my bag and to my horror I noticed the name “Porteous” written clearly on the bag. I exclaimed “Oh Fun” (or something like that!). I immediately jumped in the car and headed off on the 15 minute drive back to the club. I rang the club on the way to see if they could find Ross to explain, but they could not find him.

As I arrived back in the car park, Nerrida was standing patiently at the gate. She was waiting for her "silly" husband who had mislaid his bag and was searching for it. He was very relieved when I found him and explained. His car keys were in the bag. To think, If I had known that, I could have driven his car home too!

– Kevin McKersey

How to Impress Your Mates

Did you hear about a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, who showed up at our Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman.

She knocked everyone's socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and whilst hanging over his arm she listened intently to his every word.

His buddies were all aghast. At their very first chance, they cornered him and ask, “How did you get the trophy girlfriend?” He replied, “Girl friend? She's my wife!” They were knocked over, but continued to ask: “So, how did you persuade her to marry you?”

“I lied about my age,” he replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?” He smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”

– Mike Hodge

Our Bowling Team ("Oor Rink")

“Oh, if only we had the ability to see ourselves as others see us, how it would be!” – Robert Burns

When Robert Burns wrote those lines, I think, He was observing the men on our bowling rink.

First, Second, Third, and the Lead, Thinking they're clever, maintaining their grip. Running, twisting, turning around, Trying to guide the bowl, keeping it sound. But truth be told, they're quite clueless, it's true, Let me describe each one for you.

The Lead starts the game, rolling the jack, But most times, it comes right back.

Either too soft or too hard, you see, Never quite where it should be.

But no matter where it ends, it’s always the same, He never gets it right, it's quite a shame. He's only allowed one jack to throw, But maybe two would make the game flow.

Next is the Second, often called soft, But he's the master, despite that scoff. Covering up for the Lead's mistakes, Building strategies, whatever it takes.

Enduring the Skip's grumbling, ignoring the Third, Pressing on without speaking a word. I could praise him all night, it's true, I come from a long line of Seconds, too.

Then comes the Third, ready to stand, Always ready with excuses at hand. Either too short or too heavy, it seems,

But he'll never admit it, that's one of his schemes.

He's one of those trials sent from above, Playing the wrong hand, lacking the right love. But after the game, when he shares his take, You’d think he had carried the rink, for goodness’s sake.

Now for the Skip, leading the way, looking like royalty, I must say. Holding out his left hand, holding out his right, often a comical sight.

He complains about his Second, he groans at his Lead, Says his Third never delivers what's needed.

But when he plays for the win, it's a different tack, He puts in a blocker or one at the back.

And no matter the outcome, win or lose, He'll say, "We were beaten" or "We managed to cruise."

Now listen, my friend, though it may seem quite odd, How the Second found himself with such a squad.

But he hasn't lost his mind, not in the least,

The Lead's got a car, ready for travels wide and east,

And the Third knows a pub, just a stroll from here, For tales and songs, with laughter sincere.

The Skip reigns supreme in our country’s domain, What more could our bowling team possibly gain?

– Adapted by Bob Stevens from the original Scottish Poem

Getting to Know Michael Hughes

Did you know that Michael (Pictured with his lovely wife Klair) has run the gruelling Comrades Marathon nine times? This annual race spans 90 kilometres between Durban and Pietermaritzburg in South Africa.

Originating in 1921 to honour fallen soldiers, the race has evolved into a global phenomenon, now attracting over 20000 participants annually.

With alternating "up" and "down" runs, the course presents formidable challenges including steep climbs and treacherous descents, testing the limits of runners' physical and mental endurance. Amidst the struggle, runners find strength in the camaraderie of fellow participants and the unwavering support of spectators lining the route. For runners, completing this marathon is a crowning achievement, a testament to months of preparation and dedication. You have to finish within 11 hours with the winner now coming at about five and a half hours. Michael’s best time has been six hours and 48 minutes and for this achievement he was awarded a silver medal. If one does 10 races then you get a permanent green number. Michael had seven silver and 2 bronze medals. To get a silver medal one must complete the race in under seven hours and thirty minutes.

– Neville Odell

Matt Owen, Dave Bartle and Craig Nezbit

InOctober 2022, a fearsome trio of indoor cricket legends – Dave, Nez, and Matt discovered a harsh truth that cricket was turning into a minefield of injuries and prolonged recovery times. Faced with this challenge, the trio decided it was time to embrace a sport with a lower impact – lawn bowls.

The genius behind this transition was none other than Nez, who, in a moment of brilliance, suggested they exchange cricket balls for rolling spheres on a grassy terrain. Enter Jo Wells, who, with a twinkle in her eye,

gladly became their guide. Some say their initial foray into bowls was like watching penguins trying to waltz! Undeterred by the giggles and raised eyebrows from seasoned bowlers, they committed to finding consistency through Community bowls and 2-4-2 on Wednesdays.

They tell us that scores were secondary, their primary mission was to unravel the mysteries of this simple yet deviously intricate game. Their determination to become good bowlers reminds us of immortal words of the movie Cracker jack:

"It's not just a sport; it's a way of life!"

Our Governing Council

Forthose members who don't know "who is who" on our Governing Council we have a group of very busy volunteers.

In the front row we have Peter Flack: Vice President Sport and Participation. Bruce Eagles: President, Glenn McCarthy: Vice President Operations.

In the back row we have Richard Bone: Appointed Director: Trevor Orton: Office Manager and Kerry Hutchinson: Appointed Director.

We need to thank this team for making sure we got our synthetic green before the Mitchell Freeway was completed.

– Neville Odell

The Game of Life Deals Snowy a Good Hand

If he was playing poker, Peter Snow would have a pretty impressive hand if he had to put his cards on the table.

Because Snowy could pretty well boast the equivalent of a full house for having in his possession a bowling pair of a championship win in the club triples plus an eight badge as well as a recent three of a kind regards personal messages from King Charles, the Governor General David Hurley and the Prime Minister Anthony Albanese following he and his wife Judy’s celebration of 60 years of marriage. Snowy’s win in Sorrento’s triples came in 2012-13 along with Brian Self and Colin Stainsbury to add to his two eight badges. The messages from the King, the GG and the PM, with a little help from his daughter-in-law Alison, are quite remarkable – but then Snowy has done some remarkable things.

Born in Subiaco in 1943, Snowy attended Leederville Primary and then the Junior Technical College in Newcastle Street before beginning an apprenticeship as a silver glazier (mirrors), a sales representative for both Brisbane Wunderlich and Metro Brick before designing and selling houses for Perceptions. Highlighting his versatility, Snowy then bought a lawn mowing round which he ran until he retired at the age of 62. But intermingled with all that was an awesome stint as an Aussie Rules umpire. A champion sprinter at school stood Snowy in good stead regards fitness and he went on to umpire, when there was only one of them on the field, 280 WAFL reserve grade games and 25 League games. Snowy’s son,

Cameron, followed in his footsteps and umpired 30 League games and they were the first father and son combination to have officiated at such a high level.

During the summer, Snowy had the distinction of playing, as an allrounder, for Subiaco-Floreat alongside the legendary Sam Gannon. But giving up golf was the catalyst for Snowy taking up bowls with Sorrento 17 years ago. He rose as high as second division and his all-round sporting ability no doubt played a role in his being a Skipper for most of that journey. And if you ever want to find Snowy on election day (Federal or State) just rock up to Poynter Primary School and you’ll find his community spirit in action as he assists voters heading to the ballot box.

– Jim Woodward

Happy 94th – Emily Dunn

InFebruary our dear friend and oldest active member, Emily, turned a sprightly 94. When casually asked what she had in mind to mark the occasion, she replied instantly, “play bowls of course”. And to help the amiable Emily, who still drives to bowls, celebrate her milestone, two of her sons, Brett, and Peter and his partner Melissa came to watch her play bowls. Unfortunately, it was a very hot afternoon so we all adjourned to the pub to enjoy the pizzas she had provided and to celebrate this happy occasion.

Emily’s resilience is to be admired and it is now ten years since her husband Ray, who represented New Zealand at bowls, passed away.

“There’s hardly a day goes by that one of my sons doesn’t ring to see how I’m going. I’m very proud of them.” Emily said. She is still a very good lead bowler and everyone loves playing with her. We are very proud of you, Emily. – Jim Woodward

Advice from an Experience Bowler

Oneday your Editor was rolling up with Brian Collins, one of our top experienced bowlers. I asked him if he would like to write something to help other bowlers in the next news magazine. This was his response. Pointing a finger at me he said: "Neville! There are only two things to remember!!

•

TAKE GRASS!

• DON'T BE SHORT"

When I told Pat Dichiera about this useful advice, he said he knew that but he had trouble doing these two things at the same time!

Drills and Skills

Thursday's group has been growing in numbers and it is fantastic to see new bowlers, recreational bowlers and experienced bowlers joining together to practice and further develop their bowling abilities. The program is one which is run by the participants who talk about what they want to improve on or develop and together they plan each drill with a variety of equipment to support them to achieve their goal. The group runs from 10am to 11am, is free and open gender and there is no commitment to attend every week. The sessions will continue until 28 March, weather permitting, and will take a short break before recommencing in July or August.

– Charmain and Kerry

Other Things for a Bowler to Consider

√ Ensure you have the correct grip on the bowl and establish a balanced stance. The grip should be comfortable yet firm, allowing for control and accuracy.

√ Learn the correct delivery technique. This involves your step sequence, back swing, and follow through. A smooth, consistent delivery is crucial for accuracy.

√ Practice aiming at specific spots on the green. Work on improving your ability to judge line and length. This takes time and experience, so practice regularly.

√ Understand the bias of your bowls. Different bowls have varying biases that affect their path. Spend time learning how your specific set of bowls behaves on the green.

√ Learn to read the green—understand the contours, slopes, and how they affect the path of your bowl. This skill grows with experience and observation.

√ Familiarise yourself with the rules and etiquette of the game. Respect for opponents, adherence to rules, and understanding the etiquette of the game are essential.

√ Practice regularly to improve your skills. Consistency is key to developing proficiency in lawn bowling.

√ Develop mental focus and concentration. Bowling is a precision sport that requires mental acuity and the ability to stay focused While lawn bowling may not seem physically demanding, maintaining a certain level of fitness can improve your game. Focus on flexibility, balance, and core strength.

√ Don't hesitate to seek guidance from experienced players, coaches, or trainers. They can offer valuable tips, correct your technique, and provide insights that can significantly improve your game.

Remember lawn bowling, like any sport, takes time to master. Be patient, stay committed to practicing regularly, and enjoy the learning process. As you gain experience, your skills and understanding of the game will continue to grow.

Do You Want to be Young Again?

Billionaire biohacker Bryan Johnson, age 45, hailing from the United States, is making waves with his extravagant $2-million-a-year antiaging extravaganza, aimed at turning back the clock to his teenage years. The core components of his extravagant anti-aging routine are tailored for his individual use and benefit so don't try to buy a package from him.

Let's take a peek at his wacky routine. Picture this: Bryan's day kicks off with a strict diet schedule that forbids anything edible after 11 am. That's right, no snacks for this age-defying wizard! And when the clock strikes 8:30 pm, you'll find him tucked into bed, all alone, ready to embark on his quest for eternal youth in dreamland.

But wait, there's more! Bryan's supplement collection puts your grandma's pillbox to shame. He's popping over a hundred of those bad boys every single day. Need a colonoscopy? Bryan is scheduling those like they're dentist appointments.

Now, brace yourself for the pièce de résistance of Bryan's routine: monitoring his erections. Yep, you read that right. He's sporting a tiny jet pack to bed, all in the name of tracking his nocturnal activities. Talk about dedication!

In an exclusive chat with Fortune magazine, Bryan spills the beans on his secret to staying forever young. Turns out, it's not just about him. He's on a mission to keep his old man kicking too! He's throwing cash at treatments and even donating his own plasma to shave off a cool 25 years from dear old dad's age. Move over, Benjamin Button!

As older bowlers let's not forget the Bryan's golden advice got. The secret to a long life? Give up all the fun stuff! No tasty food, no booze, no latenight shenanigans. Sure, it might not actually extend your life, but hey, at least it'll feel like forever!

Now, for those of us not ready to dive head first into Bryan's anti-aging circus, there's still hope. The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare reminds us that getting off the couch can do wonders for our health. So, whether you're into bowling, croquet, or just a brisk walk around the block, get moving!

– Neville Odell

Croquet Report

Australia vs. Rest of World on Australia Day

A closely contested game between Australia and Rest of the World resulted in a win for Rest of the World, but only after a “playoff. Jan Craddock was overall winner scoring most hoops. She received her “small” cash prize of a ha’penny. There was some friendly rivalry between a certain husband and wife with the losing side having to cook dinner!

Things you should know about Croquet

Croquet is not just a game; it is a gateway to a healthier and more fulfilling life. The sport offers numerous advantages that contribute to physical, mental, and social well-being.

The basic skill is hitting the ball straight, which seems easy, but your opponent is always trying to push you out. They are always willing to do something nasty to stop you winning a hoop. It’s a

very strategic game, very psychological.” Many of the tactics used to win games of croquet involve using your turn to hit away an opponent’s ball before it can score; blocking the pathway of an opponent’s ball; or using your ball to “jump” over an opponent’s ball when it is sitting in the jaws of a hoop – thus scoring a point for yourself and depriving the opponent of a “sure” point at their next turn.

“Croquet is a game played by the nicest people with the nastiest minds.”

Or “Croquet is a nice game, played by nasty people.”

Croquet has been described as being a combination of Chess and Snooker – played on a lawn. It has the potential to stir up the deadly sins of anger and envy. Milton Bradley’s patented croquet set (1893) came with this advice to beginners: “KEEP YOUR TEMPER”. The International Herald Tribune, in a similar era, reported that a woman testified during a separation hearing that her husband refused to speak to her for days after she questioned whether his ball had actually gone through the hoop. The judge responded:

“I do not think there is any game which is so liable to put one out of humour as croquet.”

Today, Australia has about 8000 players, of which just under 3000 are in NSW. The USA and Canada have about 10000 players, who play this elegant and exacting sport on more than 600 greens over several different codes.

We would love to encourage a few bowlers to come over and try a game of croquet – as would some croquet players like to try a game of bowls. If nothing else, it would assist in more interaction between players of the two sports

– Di McGivern

Shona's Quiz

What is the word used to describe the fear of

1. Going bald?

2. Getting wrinkles?

3. Of constipation?

4. Of beautiful women?

5. Of cemeteries?

6. Peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth? Answers on page 62

Antarctica in a day

You don’t have to be mad but it helps. Who else would get up at 6.30am, fly for 15 hours to nowhere and get home at midnight. Well, it was great party-eating and drinking all day with awesome views and talks from various experts who had spent a lot of time on the great white continent called Antarctica! To make sure everybody had decent views we all swapped seats at half time so that everyone had a seat at or near a window.

It happened to be Australia Day so the flight deck arranged a chat with the guys in the Australian base camp of Casey and broadcast it through the cabin. To celebrate the day, they told us that they were going to have a barbecue and a swim!! Why wouldn’t you when it’s a balmy minus 20?

The weather was perfect with clear blue skies so the captain decided to take us on a longer and more spectacular route than usual over the Trans Antarctic Mountains which was why we arrived home much later than

We have been supplying, installing, repairing, relocating, and rewiring clotheslines since 1994. We also supply, install and repair letterboxes. One of our bestsellers are lockable letter boxes that can take a delivered parcel. All have fool proof systems to stop people getting their hands on your delivered parcels. Since the pandemic, you may have noticed that most mail has become digital except for your packages of course. That’s where we come in. We offer a wide range of parcel drop letterboxes on display at our Showroom at Unit 5/133 Winton Road, Joondalup, or give us a call on 9300 3014.

scheduled. All in all, a great adventure and we didn’t even see a bloody penguin but how else are you going to spend the kid’s inheritance.

– Ken Partridge

Readership Survey Results

Aswe approached the milestone of the 100th edition of our news magazine, we were keen to gather feedback to ensure it continues to meet members expectations. The magazine takes considerable time and effort to compile and expense in printing. Your input was crucial in helping us gather feedback on the current format and content . Kerry has helped us summarise the results which showed that:

• 82 % of members read it thoroughly and a further 16% skim it and read those sections that are of interest to them.

• 80% are "very satisfied" and a further 18% "satisfied".

• 96% found it interesting and informative and 40% found it amusing.

• 43% read it on our website and 57% read the printed copy.

• 78% had no suggestions. There were some suggestions. See below:

Some good suggestions for future articles:

√ More about bowls e.g. coaching, how do you start, coaches’ corner with tips and references.

√ Recipes from the ‘aged’ that have stood the test of time.

√ More “Get to know our members” articles might be of interest

√ Photos of members and the way they volunteer for our Club may mean others could get involved.

√ Information on number of fully paid, recreational, social, total membership and number of Pennant players.

√ Feature a 'Club member of the month' (three per edition or 12 a year) outlining their involvement / commitment.

Do we need a printed version?

There were the following comments on whether we need a printed copy:

√ Several members do not have internet, so we still need to have the

printed versions but perhaps reduce the number printed.

√ Don’t print books. We end up with heaps sitting at club and this is a waste of club money.

√ Just keep going with a printed version. It’s not the same to just read on the website.

√ On-line only to save costs.

Editor's Comment on printing

From 2007 Denise and I spent many hours photocopying and manually collating and stapling the news magazine. We were finding this more and more difficult. So in 2014 we approached the Governing Council and agreed that our news magazine could be printed and the cost would be covered by about 10% of the Sponsorship Budget's annual income. The thinking behind this decision was the printed copies could be shown or given to our Sponsors so they could see how their business was being advertised to our members. It seems from the readership survey that the printed copy is really appreciated by members with more than half prefering the printed version. The current printed copies are all taken by members within three to four weeks.

General Comments

√ Most members were happy with both style, content and format and that no change was necessary.

√ One member thought we should have less amusing/jokes some of which could be offensive to some members and don't fit our current world standards.

Editor's Comment

We try hard to avoid anything that might be considered offensive.

Conclusion

From the above it appears that we are getting some things right and that we should continue to print copies with the same mix, frequency and content. Thank you to Kerry who produced and managed this useful survey.

– Neville Odell

Some Words of Wisdom

√ I told a mate I was writing a book about beer and he asked if he could read it. I told him I was still on the first draught.

√ My wife asked me why I was in such a bad mood and I told her I couldn’t find my dictionary; she asked if I had looked upstairs. I said I couldn’t look up anything. I eventually located it and discovered someone had ripped out most of the pages; it now just goes from bad to worse.

√ The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".

√ Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.

√ Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just Googling how to do stuff.

√ I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologises.

√ There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest.

√ The brain is the most amazing organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year from birth until you fall in love!

√ We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.

√ The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have begun asking humans to prove they aren’t a robot.

√ Still trying to get my head around the fact that ‘Take Out’ can mean food, dating, or murder.

√ How did doctors come to the conclusion that exercise prolongs life when the rabbit is always jumping, but only lives for around two years; and the turtle that doesn’t exercise at all lives over 200 years? So, rest, chill, eat, drink and enjoy life!

√ You know you are getting old when friends with benefits means having someone who can drive at night.

√ For those of you that don’t want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version. It doesn’t listen to anything!

– Thanks to Mark Douglas, Barry Stewart and Stan

Brickell

Bowls Versus Tennis

You might think that bowls and tennis have very little in common. Allow me, dear readers, to serve you a volley of laughs as we explore the differences and similarities between these two popular sports.

Bowlers sport their signature uniforms, whilst, tennis players don outfits that make them look like they're ready to take on both Wimbledon and a marathon in one go. Tennis players, however, need to make sure their tennis outfit allows them to put a spare ball into their pants. Fortunately, this facility is not required in a bowls game.

Bowls requires a biased, multi-coloured, and meticulously crafted set, each one polished to perfection using Grippo until they gleam like precious gems in the sunlight. Tennis players, however, would be punished if they put Grippo on their balls to make them shine! Maybe they could encourage the ball boys to apply Grippo when no one’s looking!

Tennis has evolved from the traditional small head Dunlop Maxply racquet and now demands a large metal racket that could double as a medieval weapon. Racquet abuse therapy is the emotional release tennis players get by smashing their racquets after a frustrating point. See picture alongside.

Tennis courts are vast expanses where players bounce around like caffeinated rabbits in pursuit of victory. Meanwhile, a bowls game exudes an air of tranquillity, inviting players to saunter leisurely up and back whilst exchanging pleasantries as they plot their next move. Both sports have their share of aristocracy and rule constriction, and of course both are deeply appreciative of Edward Beard Budding who invented the lawn mower in 1830. In tennis, you need a fast serve. If not, you may hear: "You call that a serve? My grandma could hit it harder than that!" In bowls, you may need to put down a fast drive. If it is not fast enough, you may hear: "You call that a drive? My grandma could bowl it faster than that!"

Note the old small and the large modern racquets

"Win or lose- we always enjoy our game of bowls"

Who has stolen my tube of Grippo?

We need "HAWK EYE"

"Lawn bowl is a sober game! The ruffianism of football, the manliness of cricket, and the effeminacy of tennis give way to the stateliness and gracefulness met in no other sport"

Norbert, a new member, not quite up to speed with bowl's etiquette

Tennis players must decide whether to use a backhand or forehand stroke, carefully considering their opponent's position and the trajectory of the ball. Similarly, in bowls, players must choose between the forehand or backhand, their line and weight, whilst pondering the placement of their opponent's bowls as well as the wind and the subtle contours of the green. Both bowlers and tennis players can put wicked spins on the bowl or ball, making it nearly impossible for opponents to predict the trajectory.

In tennis, scoring is a unique and complex affair involving love and deuce with points awarded in increments of 15 (15, 30, 40 (Why 40 and not 45?), leading to the concept of "deuce" when both players and teams have scored 40 points. Meanwhile scoring in bowls is refreshingly straightforward –you either get a point or you don't and there is "No love for zero" in bowls.

But wait, there's more! Despite their apparent differences, lawn bowls and tennis share some surprising similarities. For instance, both sports have umpires who are tasked with ensuring fair play and adherence to the rules. And let's not forget the drama of foot faults – in tennis, a player can lose a point if they step over the line while serving, while in lawn bowls, a player can incur penalties for stepping off the mat before releasing the bowl. In both games, there is lots of bouncing of both the balls and the bowls

Furthermore, both sports involve the nail-biting tension of in and out calls – in tennis, players anxiously await the umpire's decision on whether a ball has landed in or out according to “Hawk-Eye." In bowls, players hold their breath as they watch their bowls trundle down the green at 6km per hour (or 15 seconds for 27metres) as they come to rest, hoping they've landed within the boundary lines. For comparison a professional tennis ball travels at over 200km per hour.

In the world of tennis and lawn bowls, an unforced error is like the embarrassing moment when you accidentally hit the ball into the net or send your bowl on a wild detour. It's not your opponent's fault – it's all you, showcasing your unique talent for turning a routine shot into a comedy of errors. Whether you're creating a masterpiece of hilarity on the

tennis court or turning the pristine bowls green into your personal obstacle course, unforced errors are the slapstick moments that makes both sports even more entertaining. Keep those mishaps coming, and let the games be forever filled with laughter and unexpected twists!

Bowlers like to talk to their bowls as they trundle down the green. It's a bit like having a one-sided conversation with a silent plastic spherical companion. A bowl needs a bit of encouragement, or a stern talking-to, to get it to behave properly. Whether it's coaxing them to curve just right or scolding them for veering off course, talking to the bowls adds a touch of whimsy to the game. Tennis players don't normally talk to their balls but will sometimes hit them into the crowd.

Lawn bowls is listed “as one of the most dangerous sports in the world” because of the number of players who move to “greener pastures” whilst playing the sport. Very few tennis players die during a game! One incident, however, occurred in 1437 in Perth Scotland, where tennis led to the death of King James I of Scotland. The court's drain outlet, through which he hoped to escape assassins, had been blocked to prevent the loss of tennis balls and he was trapped and killed.

Both sports require endurance. In 2022, the longest tennis marathon (singles) was recorded in the Guinness Book of Records at 80 hours 48 minutes. What you may not know is that the same book records the highest winning score for lawn bowls of 67-5. And guess where this happened –the Sorrento Bowling Club in 1998. Dick Oates was a member of that team and remains a member of our Club today.

In conclusion, while bowls and tennis may seem like opposites, they share a common bond in the world of sports – the ability to bring people together in pursuit of fun and laughter. So, whether you prefer the genteel charm of bowls or the adrenaline fuelled excitement of tennis, remember to always approach the game with a smile on your face and a twinkle in your eye.

– Neville Odell

"How to Care for a Loving Husband"

Back in the 1950s, husbands were treated like royalty! We've unearthed some tips from a 1950 Home Economics Book to prove it. Here goes:

“Remember that as the doting wife of a husband who is also a hard working Sorrento lawn bowler, your role is clear. You need to create an oasis of tranquillity and comfort within the walls of your abode. Here are some guidelines to ensure your husband feels cherished and revered after his long day of toil, rolling his heavy bowls up and down the green.

Important points to note are:

√ No mere frozen fare shall grace the table of your esteemed husband. Plan your meals with precision, aiming to satisfy his hearty appetite with dishes fit for a king. Remember, a well-fed husband is a contented husband, ready to conquer the bowling greens once more.

√ Prepare yourself with care and grace before his return, banishing any trace of weariness from your visage. Let him behold your radiant beauty,

a vision to soothe his weary soul after a day spent on the bowling green.

√ Maintain order within your home, ensuring that clutter and chaos do not encroach upon his domain. A tidy abode is a tranquil abode, where your husband can find solace and respite from the outside world.

√ Transform youngsters into angels of serenity, their laughter and play echoing the harmony of the home. Spare your husband the chaos of their youthful exuberance, allowing him to unwind in peace before his next game of bowls.

√ As your husband crosses the threshold, let a warm smile and gentle demeanour be his first greeting. Silence the clamour of household appliances and bid the children to play quietly, creating an atmosphere of calm and serenity. Refrain from burdening him with the minutiae of your day, dear wife. Instead, lend a sympathetic ear to his tales of triumphs and trials on the bowling green, offering words of comfort and support.

√ Treat your husband with the reverence and adoration befitting his station. Offer him a comfortable chair, a refreshing beverage, and perhaps even a soothing foot rub to ease the burdens of the day's play, ensuring he feels like a true king.

√ Respect his need for quietude, should he choose an evening at home over a night out on the town.

√ Create a sanctuary where he can find solace and rejuvenation, surrounded by the warmth and love of his devoted wife after a long day of bowls.

In conclusion, dear wives of the 1950s, remember that your role as the guardian of the home is a sacred one, particularly in caring for your husband after his exploits on the bowling green. By following these timeless guidelines, you can ensure that your beloved husband feels cherished, revered, and truly at home in your loving embrace, ready to face another day of rolling and bowling with renewed vigour.

Has this beautiful, utopia, and seemingly enduring vision of the husband changed? Women look into your inner soul, follow your heart and answer truthfully!"

– Thanks to Anne Orton who brought this useful information to our attention

Bowls Unites with "Open Gender" Pennant Teams

Men are simple creatures. Their last name stays put. The garage is all theirs. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. Car mechanics tell them the truth. The world is their urinal. They don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut. Wrinkles add character. One mood all the time. Phone conversations never last more than 30 seconds. They can open all their own jars. Wonderfully, they get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

If someone forgets to invite them, they’ll still be your friend. If two men show up dressed exactly that same, they will congratulate each other for their respective good taste. Two pairs of shoes are more than enough. They are unable to see wrinkles in clothes. Everything on their face stays its original colour, with the same hairstyle lasting for years. They can wear shorts no matter how their legs look.

Women on the other hand regard themselves in a much more mature and complex light. Women are genuine, living their lives with integrity. They live a life of truthfulness – one that’s free from deceptions. Their thoughts and acts are always in line with their values and morals. They are grateful for family, their partner, friends, and career, and every person they meet along the way. They are thankful for all that is learned and experienced throughout their journey. Women never fail to express their thankfulness and appreciation to people who did something for them, whether the gesture is small or huge.

Women value themselves and don’t allow others to put them down or treat them badly. They exude power, grace, strength, and courage. While they value people, they don’t please them at the expense of their well-being or dreams. Women won’t criticise when people make mistakes, bring up a hurtful past,

nor hold a grudge. They forgive sincerely, learn from the situation, and move forward without hatred in their heart. Instead of keeping a record of wrongs, they choose to let go of any form of hatred and bitterness. And this is one reason why they can live their days filled with peace and positivity.

When Men and Women are so different how then, you ask, could Open Gender bowls work in a harmonious, convivial atmosphere. Well, I guess, men will just have to change, get in touch with their feminine side, give up all that macho stuff – right! A small stretch for some men but a giant leap for others. A bridge too far? Perhaps women could change, swap the wine for beer, engage in a bit of foul mouthed banter – no!

Men will have to remember that ditch to ditch long ends will be frowned upon. No more kicking winning bowls out of the head as they will have to be placed on a duster/towel or doily to avoid errors! Someone told me that there will be no more Red, Blue, White or Gold Divisions as these will change to Teal, Pink, Lilac and Turquoise.

Imagine the Mixed Gender Selection Committee meetings with three men and three women with an "Open Gender, Equality, Diversity and Inclusive Chairperson" (or the O.G.E.D.I.C) we could have: “Bill’s out of form and must be dropped." "Now let’s not be too hasty here. Bill’s wife is an important player in our top side, and we can’t afford to lose her if she reacts to Bill’s demotion.” “What’s her form like?” Well not good, but she has had issues with the grand-kids and hasn’t been feeling all that great.” “Well let’s drop him to a leader”. “How do you think that will make him feel? He’s skipped for years, and it’s become part of his psychological profile. His confidence will suffer.” “Alright we will leave Bill where he is.” “Well actually Sally is in good form, she could replace him.” “But I thought you said Bill was …………... never mind. Replace him with Sally!"

And so, the debate continues. Selection meetings will need to set coffee breaks, meal breaks and start a day earlier, commencing at 7am, and set aside a second day. But seriously, this is just a satirical perspective – or is it?

— Neville Odell

Australia Day at Sorrento Bowling Club

Second

Winners

Third

A great day with 79 bowlers for our annual match between Australia and the "Rest of the World" teams. There were a significant number of Social bowlers which was great to see.

The overall result was a rare win to the ROW team that won six rinks to four with a margin of 18 shots overall. Prize money was boosted by $100 sponsorship from Spraggon and George and went to the biggest winning teams pictured above.

The highly prized bottles of wine for best national costume dress from each side went to Des Russell (ROW) and Anne Sauerwein (AUS).”

Bob Hope: A Centenarian's Wit in Quotes

• On Turning 70: "I still chase women, but only downhill."

• On Turning 80: "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."

• On Turning 90: "You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.

• On Turning 100: "I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."

• On Golf: "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."

• On Presidents: "I have performed for 12 but entertained only six."

• On Choosing Showbiz: "When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight-pound ham."

• On Family's Early Poverty: "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."

• On His Six Brothers: "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."

• On Early Failures: "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."

• On Going to Heaven: "I have done benefits for ALL religions. I would hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."

Bob Hope, a true maestro of humour, left us not just with laughter but a timeless collection of quips that still resonate. May his wit continue to bring smiles to generations to come.

– Thanks to Moira Dean for this contribution

Anzac Day – A Chance To Reflect on the Contribution of Our Vietnam Veterans

AsAnzac Day approaches once more, we need to take a moment to extend our heartfelt gratitude and deep appreciation for the admirable service and sacrifice of the eight Vietnam Veterans in Sorrento’s ranks.

Lindsay Baker, Ian Marshall, Jim Spencer, John Murphy, Geoff Murray, Ian Thompson, Brad Williams and Jim Woodward embody the true essence of their selflessness and dedication. Their unwavering commitment to Australia during one of history’s most challenging periods stands as a testament to their courage and resilience.

The sacrifices made by these veterans are immeasurable and their contribution to our nation’s history is profound. Their valour, strength and bravery continue to inspire and remind us of the debt of gratitude we owe them. We express our deepest thanks to each of them for their service, and we hope that this Anzac Day brings moments of pride, recognition and warm appreciation for their extraordinary contributions.

– Neville Odell

A Sad Occasion: Ian Wittber's Funeral

"In loving memory"

On the 16th of January 2024 we said farewell to Ian Wittber, a cherished member of our Club.

Ian touched the lives of many with his warmth, kindness, and unwavering spirit. His presence brought joy to those around him, and his memory will forever be etched in our hearts.

Pleonasms

People may use pleonasms for various reasons, often unintentionally, Phrases like “reversing backwards” are examples of pleonasms, which involve the use of redundant or unnecessary words that convey the same meaning.

Here are some examples of Pleonasms:

"Trail the jack back" Just trail the jack! It never gets trailed forward

"ATM machine" Automated Teller Machine Machine.

"Free gift" Gifts are inherently free, the term "free" is redundant.

"PIN number" Personal Identification Number Number.

"HIV virus" Human Immunodeficiency Virus Virus.

"LCD display" Liquid Crystal Display Display.

"ISBN number" International Standard Book Number Number.

"PDF format" Portable Document Format Format. Just use PDF "New innovation" Redundant, as innovation implies something new.

"RIP in peace" Rest in Peace in peace

"First and foremost" Emphasizes priority redundantly.

"Join together" The word "together" already implies joining.

"Close proximity" "Proximity" itself means nearness or closeness.

"True fact" A fact is something that is true.

"Advance planning" Planning, by nature, involves preparing for the future.

"Past history" "History" always refers to the past.

"Final outcome" The outcome is already the result.

"Old Veteran: All Veterans are old! Just use Veteran!

"Exactly right" The use of "Exactly" with "right" is redundant

Interesting bit for English lovers

OnceIshwarchandra Vidyasagar jokingly asked Madhusudhan Dutt, "As you are a Master in English, can you make a sentence without using a single 'E'?" Dutt, the genius, wrote this...

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would I gain? An award? A cash bonus? Bragging rights? Why should I strain my brain? It’s not worth it." Did you find an "e"?

Van Gogh Family Tree

After extensive research, it has been uncovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh (pronounced VAN-GO) had a variety of relatives, each with their own unique characteristics.

• His obnoxious brother: Please Gogh

• His dizzy aunt: Verti Gogh

• The brother who ate prunes: Gotta Gogh

• The cousin from Illinois: Chica Gogh

• His magician uncle: Wherediddy Gogh

• His Mexican cousin: Amee Gogh

• The Mexican half-brother: Grin Gogh

• The constipated uncle: Cant Gogh

• The ballroom dancing aunt: Tan Gogh

• The bird lover uncle: Flamin Gogh

• The fruit-loving cousin: Man Gogh

• His niece who travels in a van: Winnie B. Gogh

Some Useful Advice for Bowlers

Thomas Lawnsworth, the epitome of serenity on the grassy arena, with his sage advice:

"Bowls is a gentleman's game. Keep your cool as cool as a cucumber, your bowls even cooler, and let your opponent bask in the warmth of your impending victory. It's the politest way to dominate."

Emily Evergreen, the trailblazer shattering glass ceilings in the world of lawn bowling, humorously chirped:

"A well-played end is like a finely tended garden – starts small, but with patience and skill, it blossoms into victory. Just remember, no weeds allowed on this green, darling."

Our dear departed friend John Forkin, often said: "Every bowl pleases someone." We still hear this from our bowlers especially when the wind is blowing.

Ben Dinning, one of our Life Members is reputed to have coined the following words of advice:

"When the wind is up your arse take more grass"

When asked about his secret to a successful bowl, the venerable George Greensward chuckled and shared:

"I've always believed in the three Gs: Grace, Green, and a Good dose of luck. It's like a recipe for a perfect bowl, or my grandmother's apple pie –both leave you wanting more."

Lady Penelope Perfecto, the epitome of poise and perfection, shared her golden rule for success:

"Keep your bowl polished, your attire impeccable, and your opponent guessing. A well-dressed bowler is a feared bowler. Fashion on the green is my secret weapon."

Mad Dog, a force to be reckoned with on the green, once declared:

"If your bowl doesn't make a sound like thunder when it reaches the jack, you're not bowling, you're merely picnicking. And we don't picnic on the bowling green"

Sir Reginald "Respected Rolls" Rosewood once said:

"The measure of a great bowler is not solely in the number of trophies on the shelf but in the influence they leave on the green – a legacy of sportsmanship, camaraderie, and a love for the game."

In 1958 J. Jones said:

"Were I called upon to give an opinion of the qualities of a Skip one of the first things I should look out for would be to see how he deals with the poor shots of his team

In the chaotic rollercoaster ride of 44 BCE, Julius Caesar found himself in a showdown with the dynamic duo of Cassius and Brutus. Legend has it that in the midst of the drama, he dropped this gem of wisdom: "Noli illegitimi te esse carborundum" – which roughly translates to "Don't let the illegitimate ones grind you down." Yep, even in ancient times, Caesar had his own version of "haters gonna hate."

Answers to Shona's Quiz

1. Fear of going bald Peladophobia

2. Fear of getting wrinkles: Rhytiphobia

3. Fear of constipation: Coprophobia

4. Fear of beautiful women: Venustraphobia

5. Fear of cemeteries: Coimetrophobia

6. Fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of one's mouth: Arachibutyrophobia