The ICCI represents a group of Christian Life Coaches who are dedicated to serving others with compassion and professionalism by utilizing biblical principles that assist clients in setting individualized goals through a collaborative partnership that addresses the whole person. Its distinctives integrate principles of faith and the hope and truth found in God’s Word, while embodied with professional and ministerial excellence. The purposes and objectives of the ICCI are not intended to provide or be a substitute for advice, consultation or treatment with a duly licensed mental health practitioner. Its resources and services are intended to provide practical faith-based guidelines for balanced living and are not a replacement for medical advice. As such, consumers should seek professional services whenever necessary and/or appropriate.
Views expressed by authors, presenters, and advertisers are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of InFocus or ICCI. InFocus and ICCI do not assume responsibility in any way for members’ or subscribers’ efforts to apply or utilize information, suggestions or recommendations made by the organization, its publications or other resources.
Welcome to this Issue of InFocus, ICCI’s premier publication. Every quarter, you will receive your next Issue as a valued Member. Each Issue highlights a unique theme related to the world of Christian Life Coaching—to include a selection of regular columnists who share their expertise, as well as in-depth articles by leading voices in the field. The theme for this quarter is MARRIAGE AND FAMILY. Coaching married couples and families can have an enormous impact on our society and culture. People need to build their marriages and parenting strategies on a biblical foundation. In this Issue, we discuss assessing readiness for marriage, growing a marriage in the transformative journey toward oneness, overcoming the stress of the holiday season, and helping families evaluate their traditions and build a legacy. Our authors and columnists for this Issue include Stephen Arterburn, Dr. John Trent and Kari Trent Stageberg, Christie Meldrim, Rolfe and Lea Carawan, Dr. Rita Murray, Gary and Barb Rosberg, and Dr. Eric Scalise. We hope you enjoy learning more about Marriage and Family Coaching in this Issue of InFocus.
A blended family can seem like a never-ending uphill climb, but it can be a beautiful thing.
Three Success Points of a Blended Family
by Christie Meldrim, MA
Aftergrowing up in a blended family home, I never really thought that would be the life I would have for myself in my own family one day, but sure enough, I fell for a guy who happened to come with four kids! Just like any family, there are good days and hard days and everything in between, but a blended family has some unique parts that make it easy to want to throw in the towel on any given day. A blended family can seem like a never-ending uphill climb, but it can be a beautiful thing. My heart is for those walking out this life. I want them to see their blended family as just that . . . blended and not broken!
It started for me on July 23, 2010, when I officially became Christie Meldrim. In doing so, I also became a stepmom of four. But my first real—I mean real life—stepmom memory happened a short time later. It is a memory I will never forget, and one that made me truly realize I was not just in a new season . . . I was in a new stage of life that I knew very little about.
My real-life stepmom moment happened one day when a scheduling conflict with all other parental figures meant I had to take my stepson to the doctor for the first time. Seems harmless enough,
right? Not really! I became a real-life stepmom that day!
As the story goes, my stepson had a poison ivy situation. As we arrived at the doctor’s office, I said, “Don’t worry. It’s all good. I am just going to stay out here in the waiting room, and you can go back, and all will be well. I won’t see anything I am not supposed to see, and you and I will be good!” Well, I learned that day that they do not let minors go back into the doctor’s office when said doctor might have to have look “down yonder!”
So, there we were sitting together in the doctor’s office, and my new pep talk went like this: “I will just look at my phone, and they can look at what they need to look at, and we will be out of here in no time.” To which he said, “Christie, I don’t care what you see as long as I have medicine that will make this all go away!” And that is how I became a real-life stepmom.
Do you have a stepparent story like this? I share this because I want to make a point about putting the focus on what the kids are going through too with this new parental figure in their home—or in the doctor’s office with you. It is easy to focus on what we are experiencing as stepparents, but that is just one part of the equation. We must remember what a drastic transition this is for everyone.
My story is not just a funny story about a new and uncomfortable situation for me . . . it is one of a child who also had to get used to me! At any other point in his life, he had his dad or his mom taking him to all his appointments, but on this day, that was different. I know so many families experience the same kinds of things, and they are looking for helpful answers.
My heart for the blended family—and specifically, the stepmom—is very deep, and it yearns and hopes for healthiness because there are so many things I just did not know. Resources were few, not
to mention I had no other friend who lived in the same space as a stepmom. I love sharing the good and hard parts of my story for the sake of helping another stepparent. The role is special, and it is easy to want to give up, but you can be a game changer in your blended family.
The role of stepparent is a vital one, and it comes with its own set of challenges right out of the gate. You are focusing on a new marriage along with also learning what it looks like to help parent children who are not yours biologically and usually come with a co-parent! I want to encourage any stepparent at any stage with three success points I found through a lot of trial and error!
Here are the three most important success points a blended family will need to truly see victory within their blended family:
1. There is victory in knowing how to set the other spouse up for success in the home. There is no one better to set up the new stepparent with their own children then their biological parent. My husband Mark would be the first to tell you that he had dreamy expectations of how I would just flow right into the way they had always lived their lives. But very soon after “I do,” reality set in, and his game plan to help make me successful had to change. What we soon learned is that Mark had a real advantage in helping make me successful in my new role. It was not just going to happen instantly, but he could help me win with his children! This point is important, but it cannot be rushed. No relationship just happens; there is investment, but the biological parent can find ways to help the stepparent succeed with the kids. One of the best ways he helped me to do this was by making me the hero, even in language like this: “Christie got that for you.” “Christie had the idea for us to go there.” “Ask Christie; she knows way more about that than I
do.” Things of that nature helped them know I was the brains behind something or I was also a decision maker for the family or I was thinking of something fun for all of us to do. It gets the kids used to their stepparent, and it soon becomes natural as the relationship becomes more trusted. Soon enough, they know to come straight to you on certain things.
2. Understand the importance of building relationships with the stepchildren.
When I first married Mark and I found myself in a hard day, I thought, Well, in eight years, the youngest will be 18 and they could possibly all be out of the house! Let’s be real . . . that is no way
to live, so I had to decide right there and then that my relationship with these four kids was going to be more than mere survival.
When you take the time to study them and then meet them where they are, it becomes a game changer in the relationship. One way I was able to win with my stepchildren was by being present and available. Sometimes things are stressful in the home, and you do not know your place, but you do know how to show up. Let it happen naturally; just be there. They will recognize that you are not going anywhere, and that you care to show up. Say the one kind word that does not even require a response from them, and just show them you are another person in their corner.
Another really easy way to connect with each stepchild individually is by creating a rhythm or tradition unique to the two of you. This becomes something they can look forward to enjoying. The biggest win I had with my stepchildren was in the way I would talk about their mom. Co-parenting is tough, and kids notice everything. Speaking positive words over their mom lets them know it is okay to talk about her and say things like, “This weekend at my mom’s, we did . . . ” When you do this, the kids begin to realize all the adults are for them, and you are not enemies. Always remember how difficult this transition is for the kids, and let the overflow of your heart reflect that truth. Have a willingness to be flexible—let them have a different weekend and be cool when you can be cool. When kids see that, it means something to them, and it changes your relationship because of it.
3. Everybody is better when your marriage is invested in.
This may be simple and obvious, but it seems to be the first thing put on the back burner when so much is going on in the home. Mark had a
lot of hesitation when I tried to make a regular routine of a date night. He didn’t want the kids to feel like we were always ditching them, but we were encouraged about how the kids would benefit from us taking time for us. We were also able to model some healthiness inside of a marriage relationship. You need to remember the kids have already seen their parents go through a divorce, so for them to see some important and healthy parts of a relationship
could be crucial to their future relationships. I remember my stepson always noticing if we seemed good. Even if we were just teasing each other, any tension made him feel a certain way, and he was looking for his dad to be happy! Deep down, the kids want that for their parents, and we all have a responsibility to invest in our relationship so they can see what it looks like. As a result, everyone in the home benefits!
Christie Meldrim, MA, has been in church ministry for 15 years and currently works as the Guest Services Director at West Ridge Church in Dallas, Georgia. Most recently, Christie served as the Creative Arts Project Manager at West Ridge where she managed all communications, media, and production requests for the church. She received a degree in Student Ministry from Colorado Christian University. She currently lives in Dallas, Georgia, with her husband Mark and is stepmom to Alexis, Dillon, Libbie, and Leeann. See more at: www.blendednotbroken.org
LIFE RECOVERY TODAY
by Stephen Arterburn, MEd
A great coach helps a client see the unhealthy tradition and realize that a person is free to choose good traditions to replace the old.
Help Your Clients Look Both Ways
What is it we are called to do when helping a client? Are there lines we must not cross or subjects we dare not touch? Perhaps the most accurate answer is: “It’s complicated.” Consider four areas that can help a client greatly, including two frequently considered off-limits for a coach.
History
Coaches are often compared to therapists and counselors as only focusing on the issues of the day to assist in achievement of goals. As those I have mentored know, I do not think that limitation is helpful or realistic. Here is a biblical foundation for not just focusing on today: Ecclesiastes 1:9 says,
“That which has been is what will be, that which is done is what will be done” (NKJV). In some cases, history repeats from generation to generation, and where sin is involved, it might be actual generational sin. Perhaps the past is not being repeated and no sin is involved, but choices and relationships are influenced from familial strengths and vulnerabilities played out in past generations.
On my father’s side of my family, there are stories of the high, high tolerance for alcohol and alcoholism that eventuality developed from it. They became addicted to alcohol and never obtained help for it. Because I knew that history and the
likely vulnerability to alcoholism, it was not a shock when my tolerance started building. So, on March 9, 2009, I said to God, myself, and others, “I’ve had my share,” and never drank again. If I had not been looking back at the history of my family, I might not have quit drinking 5,266 days ago. And if I did not know it or see it, a great coach could help me look at what I had missed.
A coach can assist in developing an accurate view of family history with encouraging a client to find out what childhood was like for siblings, which may look and feel completely different. Finally, there might be some shame that your client is experiencing. When someone discovers a grandfather and two uncles went to prison, a coach can help in seeing that history does not have to be destiny and help in developing a path that leads to a transformed family tree beginning with the branch of your client.
Traditions
Jesus was not in support of traditions that were selfish and neglectful of others. Mark 7:13 says, “You cancel the word of God in order to hand down your own tradition” (NLT). He was not talking about Christmas, gift giving, or things surrounding other holidays. He was speaking to the Jewish leaders who followed their own made-up rules and in so doing, went against godly things, such as tithing, but using that as an excuse not to take care of their parents.
Have you ever helped a client discover a tradition in their culture or family that is harmful, but they honor it anyway? Here are some examples:
• In our family, the men wear the pants, and any female in pants is a disgrace, so we do not allow it.
• Women must accept that the men of our culture will have a mistress.
• The use of pornography helps our relationship rather than hurts it.
• We do not discuss negative feelings. It is best not to talk about them at all.
A great coach helps a client see the unhealthy tradition and realize that a person is free to choose good traditions to replace the old. Then help the client choose alternate beliefs and practices to replace the sick ones. Healthy traditions share values and provide stability. Things like choosing to have Sunday dinner together, phone calls and letters developed on Sunday, or church attendance and a service project every month. You may not coach anyone into wealth, but changing the sick and sad family traditions is priceless.
Practices
This brings us into more familiar coaching territory of the present. The basic question of a coach is, “What are you doing?” I cannot help someone if I do not have honest input on what he or she might be doing or practicing. Once I know what they are doing, I can figure out what is hurting them or preventing them from being the person they want to be in the role they want to play in the world— getting the results that are satisfying and successful.
Any coach who has a background of a client’s family history, even ancestry, along with hidden and destructive traditions that are influencing what a client is doing, is going to be more effective. Your insight and encouragement and application have a greater chance to transform and prepare.
Legacy
Finally, helping a client consider how they want to be remembered and what they want to leave behind as a contribution to the world and their world is a great way to help a client set different, realistic, and new goals. The key is that the goals
they set out to accomplish need to match up with the desirable, inspirational legacy they want to leave behind. Helping them prepare early for their desired endgame often creates value and fulfillment along the way. Now, more than ever, in our “instant gratification/act on our feelings now” world, time spent on legacy is time well spent.
Conclusion
Coaching is one of the most rewarding practices of my life. Some would say I did not stay in my lane, and I am encouraging others to do the same. I hope and pray that this article leads to a lane change for you that will be rewarding and fulfilling for you and enriching for your clients.
Stephen Arterburn, MEd, is the Founder and Chairman of New Life Ministries, the Founder of Women of Faith conferences (attended by over five million people), and host of the #1 nationally syndicated Christian counseling talk show, “New Life Live,” heard by two million people each weekday on 200 radio stations nationwide. As a nationally and internationally known public speaker, he has been featured in national media venues such as Oprah, Inside Edition, Good Morning America, CNN Live, The New York Times, USA Today, US News & World Report, ABC World News Tonight, along with GQ and Rolling Stone magazines. Steve is also an inductee to the National Speakers Association Hall of Fame and a best-selling author of books such as Every Man’s Battle, Healing Is a Choice, Toxic Faith, Walking Into Walls, and his latest books, the Arterburn Wellness Series, and more. With over 11 million books in print, he has been writing about God’s transformational truth since 1984. Along with Dr. David Stoop, he edited and produced the award-winning Life Recovery Bible, which is on exhibit at The Museum of the Bible in Washington, DC. His ministry endeavors focus on identifying and compassionately responding to the needs of those seeking healing and restoration through God’s truth. Steve currently serves as the Teaching Pastor at Northview Church in Carmel, Indiana, where he resides with his family. See more at: www.newlife.com
BUILDING STRONG COACHES
by John Trent, PhD, and Kari Trent Stageberg, MBA
God’s Blessing, and our Blessing to our loved ones, is not transactional. It is relational.
Why Attachment and The Blessing Lie at the Heart of Marriage and Family Coaching
Do you remember the first thing that happened after Jesus began His ministry by being baptized? Heaven and earth met with words of Blessing: the Father’s booming voice, “This is my beloved Son, in whom I am well pleased” (Matthew 3:17 KJV). And then the Holy Spirit coming down from heaven, landing on Jesus’ shoulder. That is how Jesus started His ministry—with that deep knowledge that He was loved, valued, accepted, cared for.
Without a doubt, those of us doing marriage and family coaching have as our goal what is now exploding in clinical research known as
“attachment theory”—but what the Bible got first as part of those five elements: the biblical Blessing. What the biblical Blessing pictured for us, from parent to child or spouse to spouse, can all be seen in the Blessing Jesus received from His Father. What Jacob received from his father. What we hope you received from your parents and give to your spouse. Those five elements of the Blessing: Appropriate contact with our touch, eyes, and emotions. Spoken words that were not withheld, but openly expressed. Words that attached high value, pictured a special future, and communicated genuine commitment.
For those of us who want to see couples build loving, unshakable bonds in these challenging times, we need to help couples learn how to answer three crucial “attachment” questions— and the biblical Blessing lies right at the heart of communicating and expressing all three.
First, we need to help couples answer the question: “If I reach out, will you reach back?” From the time we are born, an infant’s tiny hands and arms reach out to be touched and held tight— that incredible need to know there is someone who will reach back when we reach out. If you are doing marriage and family coaching, this is a key part of what you will learn and coach with your clients. Help them realize how important it is to reach back when their spouse reaches out, not just physically reaching back—but emotionally as well. For example, to touch with our “eyes” when we see them, like when we look at our spouse in a way that communicates they have great value to us. Our face “lighting up” when we see them. Why is that so important? Neurologically, when someone looks at us with joy—like they really care for us—brain scientists have discovered: “Love moves at the speed of joy.” Meaning that look of joy in your eyes, even without words, says, “I’m here for you. I’m reaching back!” It is a reflection of how God looks at us in Psalm 16 where we read, “In Your presence
is fullness of joy” (Psalm 16:11 NKJV). In Hebrew, it literally says, “In your face, Lord, is fullness of joy.” As God looks at us and fills us with joy, we can help couples realize how crucial it is to reach back when their spouse needs them—with bright eyes, with a willingness to listen and affirm them, or comfort them, to smile with joy at them.
The second “attachment” question we help answer with Christ-focused marriage and family life coaching is: “Am I enough?”
When Jesus received His Father’s Blessing—it was at the very beginning of His ministry—before He had done anything to have “earned” those words, “This is my beloved son.” That is because God’s Blessing, and our Blessing to our loved ones, is not transactional. It is relational. As our friend Kenny Sandafer often says, “Love is a bond, not a bargain.” So many couples struggle when one or both feel like they can never measure up. No couple, no spouse is perfect. But many feel like their acceptance is based on their looks or wealth or popularity or something that is a gift of life, not a source of life. When a couple comes to understand that God’s love is not “earned”—it is a gift given by grace, through faith in Christ. It is when we have that deep need for attachment met, we really can offer grace and love and be more loving and patient to that imperfect person (like us) we married.
Finally, the kind of marriage and family life coaching that ICCI offers helps answer a third crucial question: “Will you be there for me when times are tough?”
Again, when we are filled up with God’s love and acceptance and genuine commitment, it is incredible how freeing and unleashing that is to run towards God’s best. On the night I [John] came to Christ, my Young Life Leader gave me my first Bible, and he told me to go home that night and read Hebrews 13:5 “100 times” before I went to bed. I thought he was being literal. He
was actually being metaphorical—like, “Go home and read this a lot.” But I got out a piece of paper, and I read, “For He Himself (Jesus) has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you.’” Then I drew a line. Then I read it a second time, and then put a second line. And yes, when I got to five times, I made a sideways line. And on I went, 5, 10, 15, 20 . . . until I got to about the sixtieth time of reading, “For He Himself has said, ‘I will never leave you nor forsake you,’” and discovered that verse was reading me. And I realized I was weeping. Literally, my life has never been the same after that moment when I realized that in Christ, I had a relationship with someone who would never, ever, leave me nor forsake me. That is the kind of unconditional love that as coaches, we can help build into the couples
and families we work with. That key aspect of the Blessing that says to your spouse, “Yes, it’s hard, but no, I’m not going anywhere. In Christ, I will never leave us or forsake us; we can work this out.”
If you have already jumped into the Rosbergs’ outstanding classes on marriage coaching, or Kari’s and my three courses on building StrongRelationships for couples and families, you are learning tools to build both Blessing and Attachment into the lives of those you coach. And if you are still considering coaching couples and families—we cannot encourage you enough to jump in and learn skills, tools, and biblical insight that can help your family and many others as well.
John Trent, PhD, is the Founder and President of StrongFamilies.com and The Center for StrongFamilies, a nationally known marriage and family speaker, radio personality, and author. John regularly presents at conferences and keynote events such as Promise Keepers for churches and organizations throughout corporate America, as well as for several branches of our military across the country and world. He also served for five years as the Gary D. Chapman Chair of Marriage and Family Ministry and Therapy at Moody Theological Seminary, Moody’s first endowed chair in its 129-year history. In addition to his role at StrongFamilies, he teaches divinity students in Marriage and Family Ministry and graduate counseling students at both Dallas Theological Seminary and Phoenix Seminary. John is a best-selling and award-winning author who has written and cowritten more than 26 books in 11 different languages, six books for children, and 17 books that have won writing awards, including The Blessing, which sold over two million copies. John has also served as a family pastor for three congregations. He has been married to his wife, Cynthia, for 41 years. They reside in Scottsdale, Arizona, and have two daughters and three grandchildren. See more at: www.StrongFamilies.com
Kari Trent Stageberg, MBA, is a speaker and author best known for her work on the book, The Blessing. Kari also serves as the CEO for StrongFamilies, a ministry she runs with her father, Dr. John Trent, to help strengthen families through God-honoring attachment or “Blessing” centered relationships. She has worked with multiple nonprofit organizations in the areas of fundraising, marketing, and strategic planning, and she co-founded a consulting company, The Nonprofit Consulting Shop, several years ago to provide top-level training and resources to small and startup nonprofits. As a survivor of abuse, Kari’s passion is to help others find freedom and healing in Christ. She has been able to partner with organizations such as Focus on the Family to bring restoration and recovery after abuse. She speaks at women’s ministry events, has written guest blogs, and leads small groups of women pursuing healing. When she is not writing or speaking, Kari spends her time enjoying the beautiful Pacific Northwest with her family. See more at: www.StrongFamilies.com
We all know as we step into this Christmas season, the stress is taking its toll . . . and we are often too distracted to focus on celebrating the birth of Jesus.
GUARD YOUR HEART
by Gary Rosberg, EdD, and Barb Rosberg, BFA
Distinguishing Between Expectation and Desire Leads to Greater Joy
As we [the Rosbergs] join you in anticipation of the holiday season, we are often asked: Is there a way to get ahead of the stressful Christmas pace that tends to get on top of us each year?
We all know as we step into this Christmas season, the stress is taking its toll—activities, family gatherings, obligations—and we are often too distracted to focus on celebrating the birth of Jesus. You may have said to your spouse over the years, “Every year we say we are going to get on top of this problem, and yet here we are again.”
Here are a few ideas that may help you strike a bit of a balance from this pressure and experience greater joy during this Christmas season!
A certain amount of holiday stress is going to occur no matter how much we plan ahead. Yet what we have found is that much of the stress is exacerbated when our expectations are over the top. Barbie and I often coach couples to distinguish between expectations and desires. It makes perfect sense that we desire to be with loved ones, worship as an intact and entire family, and get the gifts purchased and wrapped, but when the desire shifts
to expectation, we often come up short. Encourage your spouse to join you in distinguishing between what you desire and what you expect.
Consider giving yourself and others permission not to measure up to expectations that are unrealistic. Create some new memories with friends or in serving others when family cannot be with you. Say no to some of the invitations that may have flooded your calendar, and join the gatherings you want to be a part of rather than those you feel obligated to attend.
With your immediate family, take time to celebrate the memories and traditions you share, blending in those of extended family. If stressed when joining extended family for prolonged periods or visits, purpose to take walks with your spouse and/ or kids, or make a run to the store as a couple to breathe and connect.
And then, most importantly for all of us as Christ followers, purpose to celebrate Jesus every day so that when the Christmas season comes around, it only enhances the depth of your celebration. Jesus teaches us that, “It is more blessed to give than to receive” (Acts 20:35). Be generous with gifts of love,
forgiveness, patience, and grace. Set aside a time early in your planning to read the Christmas story in Luke 1:5–2:20, and share your desire with your spouse and family so that there is anticipation and excitement to truly give God the glory during this season.
We are so grateful for you and our joint partnership with ICCI! We pray that our thoughts will encourage you. To all our readers, may our Lord Jesus be celebrated in all our homes with love, honor, and grace! Merry Christmas, friends!
Gary Rosberg, EdD, and Barb Rosberg, BFA, are sought-after Executive Life and Marriage and Family Coaches, John C. Maxwell certified international speakers and trainers, award-winning authors, broadcasters, and well-known international marriage conference presenters. Together, the Rosbergs are co-founders of The Rosberg Group, where they provide marriage coaching, as well as one-on-one executive life coaching. Authors of over a dozen books, including 5 Love Needs of Men & Women and the Gold Medallion winning 6 Secrets to a Lasting Love, Barb brings decades of wisdom from coaching and teaching alongside Gary’s 25,000+ hours of counseling to coaching executive couples. The Rosbergs use their gifts of insight, humor, and wisdom in coaching couples “up” to become the best they can be. Their nonprofit ministry, America’s Family Coaches, has impacted marriages across the United States and globally for almost 35 years. They serve first responder and military marriages in their home state, and in particular, wounded warrior couples. Married since 1975, Gary and Barb have two married daughters and 12 grandchildren, and reside outside of Des Moines, Iowa. See more at www.TheRosbergGroup.com
God has designed some fundamental cognitive differences in terms of how we see life, how we see each other, how we see anything from the most important to the most mundane.
LEADER EQ
by Rita Murray, PhD
RX for Emotionally Intelligent (EQ) Relationships
Every person has strengths, weaknesses, temptations, and blind spots, and identifying these qualities is a healthy first step to biblical emotional intelligence (EQ). So, whether you are trying to decide which person to marry, what career to follow, how to manage relationships with family members, whether to accept the promotion, how to be a better caretaker, or how to take better self-care, your willingness to use the data your emotions are sending you and to seek Scripture as God’s answer should determine how you respond.
This article addresses a strategy to better understand and appreciate the valuable differences between you and the people you love and those you encounter every day.
God has designed some fundamental cognitive differences in terms of how we see life, how we see each other, how we see anything from the most important to the most mundane. To use this information and to make it practical is to realize how automatic it is and how it underpins our teaching, our learning, and our communication— in life, in love, and in leadership.
Every day starts in life with when and how you notice something. When you look up to God, into the universe, to the world around you, you connect with it and take in information. Each one of us notices and observes with our cognitive perceiving function. It is that part of our brain that reaches
out and connects with the world around us and collects data.
Imagine that the perceiving function is a huge funnel on top of your head, and data just pours into it. Now, it turns out that there are two different types of data you can collect. You can collect data or perceive in two different ways. You can perceive the data through sensing perceptions or intuitive perceptions.
The perceiving function is the distinguishing function in terms of your communication style, teaching style, and learning style. Communication, teaching, and learning all depend first and foremost on your perceiving function, on what data you notice out in the world.
• Sensing perceptions have to do with your five senses. Those who prefer Sensing (S) perceive the world by “what is,”—e.g., touch, sight, weight, feel, taste, time, hearing—put it on the ledger sheet. If I can wrap my five senses around the data, it is real, I trust it, I value it, and I look for that kind of data and for those things first. In fact, I notice those things first and remember them.
• Intuitive perceptions, on the other hand, are not as tied to the here and now. Those who prefer Intuition (N) start by imagining the future—thinking of big pictures, abstractions, and “what could be.” Conversations will be far more into the future, into the possible, into generalities.
Misfires
What may cause husbands and wives and other family members or those in relationship not to understand each other? It is important to understand and accept differences in how we receive and send messages to each other.
Communication misfires are at the heart of so many relationship struggles.
Three areas can be successful keys to any marriage or family connection, and there are similar keys I use in leadership development coaching:
1. The way we gather information and process that information.
2. How we miscue with each other.
3. The different ways we gather information.
1. WHAT KIND OF INFORMATION DO YOU FOCUS ON?
Sensors tend to approach the world and the data they engage with literally, tangibly, and sequentially, whereas Intuitives are far more figurative, big picture, out somewhere; and the two of those cross with relative ease.
So, behaviorally in speech it becomes plain:
Sensor, “What time is it?”
Intuitive, “Oh, it’s late.”
Sensor, “What time is it?”
Intuitive, “It’s time to go.”
Sensor, “What time is it?” (Now exasperation in words and tone.)
Intuitive, “It’s a little before 9.”
Misfire: The Intuitive answered the question three times, but to a Sensor it has not yet been answered.
Intuitive, “It’s 8:52.”
Sensor, “Thank you. Was that so difficult?”
And that is a perfect example of the here and now sensing a specific question, a reality of time, that is “here and now.”
The Sensors’ design of a watch is a digital display (not to say that all Sensors like digital watches). It is the fact that you could break down time into hundredths of a second and not only here but anywhere in the world.
The Intuitive watch design is hands that sweep around the face. That is because when an
Intuitive looks at a watch (as at anything), they are looking for the pattern, the relationships. There is a big hand and a small hand, and they have relationship relative to each other and relative to what I told you I would be doing at this time-ish. But for the Intuitive that is very different from looking, seeing, and caring that it is now 8:52.
2. HOW DO WE MISCUE EACH OTHER?
Sensing (S)
For those of you who prefer Sensing (S)— remember, if you are engaging primarily with the world through your five senses, you are going to be “here and now” focused. You think specifically about things in the past and in the present because it is the present where your senses are. In the past, you have a record, an archive, an imprint of the sensory impressions you have collected in the past. So, with a preference for approaching communication/ collaboration as a Sensor, you will tend to be “linear‐like” (those who prefer Intuition may call that “robot-like”) and attentive to details and facts from the past and in the present, and your statements and thoughts will reflect that preference most often. Our sensing preference is alert to the perception of familiar patterns. Your communication gift is that you
remember and take pride in your memory, sometimes to a fault. Your focus will mainly be on what is immediate and real to your five senses. And memory is the road to grateful joy. You more often live your life as it is rather than attempting/desiring to change the business and/ or the world. While Sensing perceptions are naturally your gift, if you are in relationship with someone who naturally communicates through Intuitive perceptions, you will notice it in various forms—“thinking outside the box,” big picture, strategic references or questions, new ideas, complex questions, and excitement for future possibilities. This type of communication may stress you. It may feel like a “waste of time” and cause you to tune out. Pray and lean into your discomfort and ask probing questions so as not to miss the implications and meanings of information they are communicating.
Intuition (N)
For those of you who prefer Intuition (N)—you are not as tied to the “here and now.” You may be living in or visualizing the future, thinking of the big picture, abstractions, connections, meanings, and imaginations as you listen to others and absorb the often complex and futuristic external challenges of the environment. You will be far more into the future, into the possibility, into discussing generalities. Intuition serves by spontaneously rearranging, adjusting, and improvising.
Your communication gift is dreaming and imagination which are the anchors of hope. You will likely be one step ahead (boring details is a redundancy), processing data more intensely than those who prefer Sensing (S) because you naturally trust your “sixth sense” or intuition about any given topic. You open others up to what is possible, not yet future. Good at
spotting patterns and taking a high-level view as opposed to digging deeper into the detail and linear probing, you communicate new ideas and are inspired by the “what could be” and may dismiss too quickly the urgency of “what is happening now.” You will tend to have a focus on and hope/plan to change the world rather than continue to live in what you may consider an “imperfect present.”
While Intuitive perceptions are naturally your gift, they also become a challenge when communicating with those who value and trust Sensing perceptions. Your intuitive data
gathering process may, at times, be too complex, unrealistic, and time consuming, especially when it comes to communicating about a matter where a simpler focus on specific facts and details could/will resolve/explain an issue at hand.
Summary
“If (Sensing) memory is the road to grateful joy, (iNtuitive) imagination is the secret of dreaming hope, the way into a genuine future.”—From Image to Likeness: A Jungian Path in the Gospel Journey.
By Grant, W.H., Thompson, M.,
& Clarke, T.E.
Rita Murray, PhD, provides speaking and coaching events to help others realize the power of words that matter—biblical, cognitive, emotional, and generational words. She has been through the gauntlet/journey of careers in technology, aerospace, higher education, Hollywood, and later building a U.S. wide energy services company with her husband and lifelong business partner, Ron Murray. In her private practice, Rita has been blessed to help hundreds of leaders and teams make conscious changes to their lives and careers through transformative coaching and continues her practices with clients nationwide. Rooted in her Christian faith, Rita knows what truly drives and sustains cultures—and it is not mastering the financials, enhancing marketing or social media channels. She delivers practical leadership programs and tools rich in the “heart and science of human connections” relevant across generations and cultures. A Boston native, first generation American and dual citizen of the U.S. and Ireland and a private pilot, Rita married adventurous Ron in 1998—a U.S. Air Force Academy graduate and high time pilot, decorated Vietnam Veteran, serial entrepreneur, and awe-inspiring chef. They make their church home at First Moore in Moore, Oklahoma. Rita is active in faith-based individual and marriage coaching, multi-generational church ministry, and prison ministry. See more at: www.linkedin.com/in/ritamurray-phd/ and www.performanceok.com
TRANSFORMED LIVING
by Rolfe Carawan, MEd, and Lea Carawan, MA
Our marriages, radiating the love and unity of Christ, become a love letter to the world—a powerful testament that shouts, “God sent Jesus to prove . . . He loves YOU!”
A Love Story Written in Heaven: Finding True Oneness in Christian Marriage
Ephesians 5:30–32 whispers a staggering truth: “. . . for we are members of his body. ‘For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ This is a profound mystery.” This mystery, this stunning fusion of two souls into one, lies at the heart of God’s design for marriage.
Imagine a profound, life-giving unity that becomes a beacon of God’s blessing (Psalm 133). This is the incredible potential woven into the fabric of Christian marriage—a oneness that mirrors our relationship with Christ, a reflection of His love within the Church. Jesus Himself prayed for this unity in John 17:20–21, longing for us to experience the same interconnected love He shares with the Father.
This desire for oneness is not a new concept. It is a timeless truth, echoing since the dawn of creation. When God fashioned Eve from Adam’s rib, He was not just creating a companion; He was establishing a blueprint for an unbreakable bond (Genesis 2:24). This leaving-and-cleaving, this merging of two lives into one, is a sacred dance reflecting God’s image (Genesis 1:27). It is a glimpse into the very heart of God, a taste of the glorious unity shared by the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit.
At Transformed Living, we are passionate about this transformative journey towards oneness. Let me share a bit of our story. I [Rolfe] was 30 when I met Lea, and we were perfectly content in our single lives. Honestly, the idea of marriage felt
daunting. I had heard the whispers of how much work it took, how easily things could crumble. Lea, at 25, had her reservations, having never witnessed a truly thriving marriage.
Yet, we sensed God’s call to become one. So, carrying a corpse of negative beliefs and memories of broken relationships we had witnessed, we took a leap of faith, hoping our marriage would defy the odds and become the stuff of fairy tales.
My first clue that this corpse would be resurrected came when we decided to write our vows separately. Having been raised in the South, besides adding some mushy stuff, my vows were straight out of the playbook: “For better or worse, in sickness and health . . . blah, blah, blah.” Lea, a Pacific Northwest girl and daughter of an attorney, had a slightly different approach. “You have the right to remain silent . . . anything you say will be used against you.” Not the romantic proclamation I anticipated!
Okay, I am exaggerating a bit. But soon after our wedding, it became apparent that achieving true oneness would not be easy, even with our shared love for God. But by God’s grace, we have navigated the ups and downs, celebrating 32 happy years of marriage. Not a perfect record, but hey, 32 out of 37 ain’t bad!
Our journey, with all its bumps and triumphs, birthed Transformed Living. We wanted to share the tools God used to help us fight for the unity He so desired, proving that all things are possible with God. We learned that the fruit of unity remains out of reach unless we abide in Christ, the ultimate vine of grace (John 15:4–5).
Lea spearheaded this mission, courageously setting aside her preconceived notions about marriage, determined to grapple with and embrace God’s truth no matter what. She refused to shy away from
challenging scriptures, choosing instead to listen and learn from the Holy Spirit. We discovered a powerful truth: We can choose to do life our way or God’s way. And trust me, God’s way is infinitely better.
This choice, this surrender to God’s blueprint, is the bedrock of a fulfilling and joy-filled marriage. It is the difference between a love story that fizzles and one that burns brighter with each passing year. It is about believing and obeying God’s Word instead of buying into the lies our culture whispers.
The Belief Principle and the Interdependence Principle have become two of our guiding lights on the path to oneness—oneness with Jesus and each other.
The Belief Principle is simple: What you believe to be true, you do. Behavior follows belief. Actions speak louder than words. What do you believe about marriage? How did you form those beliefs? What do you believe about your spouse? What expectations do you have, and are they founded on God’s design and purpose? If your behavior contradicts what you claim to believe, you may need to reflect on what you are actually believing and not what you wish you believe or want to believe.
The Interdependence Principle is where the magic happens, where God’s blessings overflow. It is the practical outworking of unity, a beautiful dance of dependence on God. It is resisting the pitfalls of unhealthy dependence on another person or self-centered independence. When our joy or peace depends on anyone other than Jesus, we are in danger of unhealthy attachment. When we cling to erroneous notions founded in radical individualism, we can miss the wonder and miracle of laying down one’s life for another. In marriage, we can experience an interdependence grounded in love as a foreshadowing of future things.
Through marriage, God provides a way to experience the intoxicating joy of true intimacy—a unity of dreams, values, beliefs, actions, character, and love. As we immerse ourselves in God’s Word and align our lives with His desires, the Holy Spirit empowers us to experience the fullness of our oneness in Christ.
But what’s the point of all this effort? What’s the end goal of this beautiful, messy, miraculous
journey towards oneness? What Jesus shares in John 17:23 holds the answer: “I [Jesus] in them and You [Father] in Me, that they may be perfected in unity, so that the world may know that You sent Me, and loved them, even as You have loved Me.”
Our marriages, radiating the love and unity of Christ, become a love letter to the world—a powerful testament that shouts, “God sent Jesus to prove . . . He loves YOU!”
Rolfe Carawan, MEd, is the President of LifeMatters Ministries, which focuses on discipleship, Biblical principles, and tackling relevant issues of our times, as well as the cofounder of Carawan Global Group. Inspired by his passion to relieve suffering and release potential, Rolfe brings his real-world experience and strategies to individuals in all walks of life. Known for his contagious enthusiasm, his coaching draws out the best in people, igniting a renewal of energy, engagement, and productivity, as well as successfully transitioning people through change, transforming human behavior, strengthening relationships, and overcoming generational gaps. His winning strategies have been developed over 30 years of successfully coaching, training, and motivating people. Speaking to organizations ranging from Fortune 500 and high-tech companies to healthcare and nonprofits, Rolfe has spoken to nearly a million people throughout America, as well as audiences on four continents. He is an author (Profiles in Character and Character Revolution), teacher, coach, trained counselor, and uses experiential learning methods to create healthier relationships at home and work, effectively implement change, and strengthen communication. Rolfe is passionately committed to discipleship and helping people through the process of creating lasting change. He, along with his wife Lea, established Transformed Living. Rolfe has worked and volunteered his services in Brazil, Ghana, Israel, Ukraine, Russia, Canada, and Mexico. He is currently on the Board of Reference for the International Christian Coaching Institute (ICCI) and is a certified DiSC Behavior Assessment Trainer and Certified Transformed Living Coach Trainer. See more at: www.transformedliving.org
Lea Carawan, MA, is the founder of Transformed Living, a ministry that provides Bible-based resources and services designed to make disciples who love God, walk in freedom, and build life-giving relationships at home, work, and play. She and her husband, Rolfe, built a successful speaking, coaching, and consulting firm serving organizations ranging from Fortune 500 and high-tech companies to healthcare and nonprofits. For nearly 20 years, they helped leaders implement winning strategies that brought out the best in people. Lea was the cofounder and served as the Executive Director for the Congressional Prayer Caucus Foundation. For over a decade, she led the effort to equip and mobilize the largest network of federal and state elected leaders—nearly 100 sitting members of Congress and 900 state legislators—who are committed to standing for faith and implementing proactive strategies to advance religious freedom, prayer, and America’s Judeo-Christian heritage. She is a speaker, consultant, ordained minister, and multi-certified life, relationship, and spiritual formation coach and trainer. With a career spanning three decades, Lea has transitioned seamlessly between entrepreneurship, fashion, consulting, ministry, and motherhood. Lea has been a frequent speaker at women’s meetings, conferences, and marriage retreats around the world, including countries such as Brazil, Ukraine, and the United Arab Emirates. Lea is currently on the Board of Reference for the International Christian Coaching Institute (ICCI) and a Certified Transformed Living Coach Trainer. See more at: www.transformedliving.org
Practicing due diligence before walking down the aisle helps ensure a less chaotic and more stable life as husband and wife.
ON MISSION
by Eric Scalise, PhD
Choosing Your Soul Mate
Ionce told a group of students I did not believe in premarital counseling or coaching. After the awkward pause and allowing the confused expressions to settle in, I smiled and said, “That’s because I believe in pre-engagement counseling or coaching.” An engagement, in my opinion, is primarily for planning a couple’s joyful celebration and giving family members and friends enough time to coordinate their calendars and travel plans—not for “working out” issues of compatibility and connectedness.
Outside the decision to accept Christ, marriage is probably the most significant relational decision someone will ever make, and it should be entered into carefully, diligently, with wise counsel, and utilizing biblical principles. Sadly,
many individuals spend more time and give more thought to the next car or home they buy, rather than who their lifelong partner should be. Listen to the words of Solomon: “A wise man will hear and increase in learning, and a man of understanding will acquire wise counsel” (Proverbs 1:5).
Couples considering marriage must have open and honest communication during their courtship and leading up to an actual engagement. Let’s take a look at some common questions that are often asked:
1. When choosing a marriage partner, is there a biblical mandate?
Scripture seems to be silent on the matter other than choosing a believer. Marriage and
singleness are both acceptable in God’s eyes. The question that should be asked is, “Are the two individuals equally yoked?” Second Corinthians 6:14–15 says, “Do not be bound together with unbelievers; for what partnership has righteousness and lawlessness, or what fellowship has light with darkness? Or what harmony has Christ with Belial, or what has a believer in common with an unbeliever?”
2. What factors influence the choice to marry or remain single?
A number of factors often come into play, including job/career goals, waiting for the “perfect” mate (compatibility and values), fear and hesitation over high divorce rates, the level of family support, and recognizing the possible need for personal growth and maturity.
3. Why do some people choose wisely and some unwisely?
Without taking the time to explore potential “potholes,” a lack of preparation can derail any future marriage. Certain issues that are never addressed or resolved often cause problems down the road, such as codependency dynamics
(the need to find others who must be rescued and/or fixed), an unplanned pregnancy (leading to marriage vs. adoption or another alternative), uneven levels of emotional and spiritual maturity, the need to correct/change family of origin concerns, and one’s Christian convictions or the lack of them.
Before saying, “I do,” every couple should assess their readiness for marriage (or remarriage). This intentional assessment should also cover the major aspects of any healthy marriage and take an honest and transparent look at goals, dreams, desires, and expectations. Here are some key categories and important questions that need to be asked to help keep things on mission:
1. Your Spiritual Relationship
• What is your biblical model for marriage and your understanding and expectations on the roles of husbands and wives?
• What does spiritual intimacy mean to you?
• Have you discussed your church/ denominational experiences and/or doctrines?
• How do you envision spiritual connection and growth needs/interests becoming part of the marriage? The family?
• What are your fellowship, ministry, and service-related desires and goals?
2. Your Emotional Relationship
• Do you enjoy one another’s companionship and are you best friends?
• How comfortable are you in being transparent with one another?
• Are there any “secrets” (e.g., history of addiction, depression, criminal behavior, financial mismanagement, violence, sexual indiscretion, etc.) that need to be brought out into the open?
• Do you share the same beliefs and core values?
• Can you accept, appreciate, and celebrate your personality differences?
3. Your Communication Styles
• Do you make decisions together with a win/ win mindset and approach?
• Are you aware of each other’s primary love language(s)?
• Are you free to share differences of opinion or areas of disagreement?
• Do you resolve conflict in a healthy way without excessive anger, threats, manipulation, coercion, and/or violence?
• How do you practice forgiveness with one another?
4. Your Social/Leisure Life
• Do you have fun together?
• Do you have some common interests?
• Do you have some common friends?
• Is there freedom to have sufficient and appropriate alone time?
• How are your social calendars planned out and decisions made on priorities?
5. Your Job/Career Goals and Issues
• What impact do any current educational and/or training commitments have on the relationship?
• How do you feel about your partner’s chosen field/profession?
• Whose career path should/will take precedence?
• What is the potential for disruptions, moves, long work hours, etc.?
• How will you manage/balance work and family schedules?
6. Your Financial Needs, Values, and Goals
• Are you committed to a budget that looks at both immediate and long-term investment and savings needs?
• How will budget decisions be made in general? On high dollar items?
• Will you have joint or individual banking accounts or a combination of both?
• How will any current or future debt be handled?
• How will assets that are brought into the relationship be handled?
7. Your Extended Family Dynamics
• Can you accept each other’s extended family members?
• How do your families, and especially your parents, feel about the relationship?
• What role will family traditions/ commitments play in marital life?
• Have you discussed any potential cultural differences, nuances, and expectations?
• Have you discussed any potential relational boundaries with parents, siblings, or others that may need to be established?
8. Your Child-Rearing Goals and Philosophy
• Have you discussed if and when you may try to have children and how many children you desire?
• Have you discussed the use of birth control?
• Are there any potential infertility issues, and if so, have treatment options and/or alternatives such as assisted reproductive technologies or adoption been discussed?
• How will household rules, expectations, and discipline matters be decided and enforced?
• Are there any blended family issues that could potentially create problems?
9. Household Responsibilities, Duties, and Environment
• Has the type and location of living accommodations been discussed such as urban vs. suburban, detached family home vs. apartment or townhouse, etc.?
• How are household responsibilities decided and apportioned?
• Is there a commitment to an equitable distribution of chores?
• Will the home environment reflect the interests, wishes, and ideas of both partners?
• Will there be individual/personal spaces within the home environment?
10. Your Physical Intimacy
• Are you physically attracted to each other?
• Are you committed to sexual purity?
• Is there any history of pornography use/ sexual addiction with either partner?
• Is there any history of childhood sexual abuse that may impact marital intimacy?
• Are there other physical, emotional, or biblical factors to consider?
Couples can certainly discuss these topics together and often do. However, should they become “stuck” and/or if significant emotional responses/reactions arise in a particular area, then the services of a competent pastoral/professional counselor or life coach should be sought. Practicing due diligence before walking down the aisle helps ensure a less chaotic and more stable life as husband and wife. May God always give true joy in the journey.
Eric Scalise, PhD, LPC, LMFT, currently serves as President and Chief Strategy Officer (CSO) with Hope for the Heart. He is also the President of LIV Consulting, LLC, the former Senior Vice President for the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), and former Department Chair for Counseling Programs at Regent University in Virginia Beach, VA. Dr. Scalise is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 42 years of clinical and professional experience in the mental health, higher education, and organizational consulting fields, as well as having served six years on the Virginia Board of Counseling under two governors. Specialty areas include professional/pastoral stress and burnout, combat trauma and PTSD, marriage and family issues, grief and loss, addictions and recovery, leadership development, and lay counselor training. He is a published author (Addictions and Recovery Counseling and Lay Counseling: Equipping Christians for a Helping Ministry), adjunct professor at several Christian universities, conference speaker, and frequently works with organizations, clinicians, ministry leaders, and churches on a variety of issues. As the son of a diplomat, Dr. Scalise was born in Nicosia, Cyprus, and has also lived and traveled extensively around the world. He and his wife Donna have been married for 41 years, have twin sons who are combat veterans serving in the U.S. Marine Corps, and four grandchildren.
