Relationship Coaching at the Next Level by Grant Wood p.2
Coaching Families by Way of Honor by Dr. Joshua Straub p.6
Give a Blessing by Kari Trent Stageberg p.10
Assumptions, Principles, and First Steps in Coaching Single Adults by Haley Scully p.18 Volume 2 Issue 2
The Six Fundamentals of Healthy Relationships by Dr. India Logan p.14
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Vol. 2: Issue 2
Welcome to this Issue of InFocus, ICCI’s premier publication. Every quarter, you will receive your next Issue as a valued Member. Each Issue highlights a unique theme related to the world of Christian Life Coaching—to include in-depth articles by leading voices in the field, as well as a selection of regular columnists who share their expertise. The theme for this quarter is RELATIONSHIPS. God created human beings in relationship, through relationship, and for relationship. Cultivating healthy relationships is part of His divine design. Our authors for this Issue include Grant Wood, Dr. Joshua Straub, Kari Trent Stageberg, Dr. India Logan, and Haley Scully. Our columnists are Steve Arterburn, Dr. Mark Crear, Steve Lentz, Esq., Kim Levings, and Dr. Eric Scalise. We hope you enjoy learning more about relationships in this Issue of InFocus.
Individuals and relationships are incredibly complex, and the coach who has a highly developed sense of self, a keen awareness of relationship dynamics, and effective tools for intervention will not only be successful but will also possess energy and longevity in their work with people.
Mastery of any skill, art, or vocation takes a long time. It also takes effort. Most life coaches I speak with are hungry to know what skills or techniques they can apply their energy toward to help people in the most robust and effective ways. The following are some skills and proficiencies that, with time, will significantly enhance your coaching process with both relationships and individuals.
Go to the “Woodshed”
Long, long ago, I was an aspiring and overconfident saxophonist starting in my first year as a music student. I waltzed into my first improvisation lesson and sat down across from my instructor—a trumpet player by the name of Willie Thomas, or “Willie T,” as we affectionately called him. Willie was in his sixties and a master of the instrument who had played alongside true legends of jazz for most of his life. He wore an old red fisherman’s hat and half spectacles with the chains hanging down the sides of his face. Willie T’s
daily breakfast was raw cloves of garlic and a large McDonald’s coffee. He sat down, mumbled out a few expletives in a scratchy voice and then said, “Well . . . let me hear you play that thing.” After I “played that thing” for about 30 seconds he put his hand up, sat silently for what felt like an eternity, looked at me over his spectacles, and said, “What you’re playing . . . and nothing . . . are the same thing. Cool cat, you gotta get to the woodshed.”
The woodshed is the place of practice where you hone your self-awareness, preparation, and people skills. This includes spiritual disciplines such as solitude, service, study, prayer, and fasting, in addition to growing in your knowledge of how the human mind, body, and spirit work together through mentoring, readings, and conferences. The woodshed is not only a place where you practice what you already know, but also a place to push yourself into new experiences, new exercises, and new ways of developing yourself and others. Individuals and relationships are incredibly complex, and the coach who has a highly developed sense of self, a keen awareness of relationship dynamics, and effective tools for intervention will
not only be successful but will also possess energy and longevity in their work with people. Go to your woodshed and grow there.
Un-layer Roots and Undercurrents
While we all know solid questions are key in getting a feel for relationships and their presenting problems, cyclical questions are the key to seeing the patterns of source wounds, motives, perceptions, behaviors, and dreams in the client.
Here’s a brief picture of how cyclical questions can work.
Coach: Share some of your thoughts and emotions about your marriage with your husband.
Client: Well . . . I feel angry about the lack of time we have together. He doesn’t make me a priority.
Coach: When you have these feelings, how do you express them to your husband?
Client: I snap at him and withdraw from him. Sometimes I cry.
Coach: What are you feeling or thinking when you start to cry?
Client: I’m so afraid that I will forget what it was like to feel close and desire being with him. I don’t want to be lonely. I made a vow after my divorce that I didn’t want to feel lonely in my marriage ever again.
Coach: Can you look at your husband now and tell him in your own words how you feel scared and lonely?
In this example, you see the coach able to discover not only what the client is complaining about, but what emotions are under the surface, how she acts, what her needs are, and one of the realities in her life that created the wound. Her husband, who is hopefully listening to these questions, might be able to pick up on something he didn’t realize before about how lonely and afraid she is. It takes some time and practice, yet when coaches learn to link these un-layering questions together, their clients will experience more depth of clarity regarding their problems and the possible solutions.
Most of us would not be coaches if we didn’t have good advice to convey and good interventions to implement. In addition to this, masterful coaches learn how to keep their awareness tuned in to the emotions that are ever-present in a session sometimes just under the surface. People heal and transform when they can express the unfelt emotions they are holding inside their bodies. If we are too focused on getting the clients to realize something or understand something (cognition), we can risk ignoring the emotion in the heart and actually condition them to keep suppressing these precious emotions with each other.
In the movie, The Secret Life of Walter Mitty[1], nature photographer Sean O’Connell (Sean Penn) is hesitating to snap a photo of a very rare snow leopard. Walter (Ben Stiller) is perplexed as to why he isn’t taking advantage of the opportunity. This dialogue follows:
Walter Mitty: When are you going to take it?
Sean O’Connell: Sometimes I don’t. If I like a moment, for me, personally, I don’t like to have the distraction of the camera. I just want to stay in it.
Walter Mitty: Stay in it?
Sean O’Connell: Yeah. Right there. Right here.
When emotions pour out of a client, learn to take a deep breath and resist the urge to speak right away. Sometimes this means allowing couples to fight it out in front of you for a bit so you can get a sense for how they fight at home. It’s okay to let that process and emotion play out a little bit if it’s not unsafe or abusive. You can’t really coach their dynamic if you never let yourself see it. Often the emotions don’t come pouring out. In this case, it’s helpful to become familiar with the research of Paul Ekman[2], who studied micro-expressions of emotion in the human face and body. With practice and time, your intuition and perception of emotion can grow to the point where you can identify subtle emotions and help clients find the courage to bring their emotion to the surface. Then, very gently, you can begin to ask clients to use words to describe more of what they are feeling.
We must resist the habit of becoming what I call “How are you doing?” coaches. Your clients are making a sacrifice of time and resources to meet with you. Don’t send them away with nothing but a prayer and good wishes. Send them with assignments to read books together (and discuss what they are reading), intentional communication exercises, a challenge to go on a certain type of date, have a specific conversation, share a journal, or implement a new strategy or habit. Prescribing and following up with homework not only helps the clients change, but it also informs you about how motivated and resourceful they can be.
If we believe in the power of the coaching process to promote health and wholeness, then we should subject ourselves often to the process of coaching for our own self and our relationships. It is a known fact that people-helpers, such as coaches, are often the worst at seeking help for themselves. I would estimate 98 percent of the barriers I experienced in my own practice over the course of 20 years were due to my own personal blind spots and unhealthy relational patterns. Mastery also comes to us through our brokenness and our
weakness. I will be forever grateful to the “pit crew” of coaches and therapists who continue to help me see what I cannot see. In addition to professional help, seek to be present with the Lord in nature, in the Holy Scriptures and sacred writings, and in the love of those who love you and nourish you.
[1] Stiller, B. (2013). The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Twentieth Century Fox.
[2] Ekman, P. (2003). Emotions revealed: Recognizing faces and feelings to improve communication and emotional life. Times Books/Henry Holt and Co.
Grant Wood, MS, MA, is a Licensed Clinical Marriage and Family Therapist (LCMFT) and the owner and Clinical Director of Resonate Relationship Clinic, LLC, in Overland Park, Kansas.
Resonate is a multi-specialty mental health practice serving over 4,000 individuals and families annually in the greater Kansas City area. Grant works with individuals, couples, and families in the areas of emotional, relational, social, and spiritual development. He has completed advanced training in Enneagram Psychology, Gottman Method Couples Therapy, and Emotion-Focused Couples Therapy. He specializes in premarital and marital enrichment, men’s issues, blended families, and spiritual formation. Grant is also certified in Comprehensive Resource Method (CRM), a treatment protocol that helps clients heal from anxiety and posttraumatic stress (PTS/ PTSD) and allows them to again live fully from their core self. Grant is a clinical fellow in the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy and a member of Spiritual Directors International. He has the gift of making people feel comfortable and at peace during the most difficult circumstances, is the father of a teenage daughter and son, a professional musician, an avid kayaker, and a lover of the outdoors. See more at www.resonateclinic.com
As Christian life coaches, I genuinely believe our job is to help spouses, parents, and families get unstuck and provide them with a way forward. A direction. A purpose greater than the sum of their parts.
Iwillnever forget the moment I felt completely stuck. Caught up in a never-ending cycle of working hard, burning out, working hard again, and burning out. I had two young kids at home and a wife who loved me dearly yet was tired of seeing me in a cycle that shifted the atmosphere of our entire home. It was during this season I went back into my family lineage to discover why I was caught up in such a pattern. What fascinated me at the time was discovering how my dad, who was always in the stands at my wrestling matches and baseball games, couldn’t show up for me in the bigger emotional moments of my life. For
example, when I was ten years old, my parents divorced. I remember making the decision to keep my belongings at my dad’s house, but also chose to go back and forth every other week between his and my mom’s house because I did not want to disappoint anyone. Instead of my dad taking me under his wings in those emotional moments, I chose to shoulder the weight of everyone else’s feelings.
Did I experience some anger toward my dad for this? Of course, I did. The more I walked through my own healing, and the more I uncovered about
his own dad, the more I realized his dad did not show up for him in those moments of his life either—a glaring example of giving only what we have been given.
As a Christ-follower, I believe God’s command to honor our mother and father is a critical one for a long emotional and spiritually healthy life. This can leave us at a crossroads when we get stuck and realize our parents might have played a bigger role in our own brokenness than we often want to admit. So how do we honor our parents, especially in their own broken humanity? How do we instead see the good in what our parents instilled in us as a way forward? And how do we help families find direction and discover their God-given purpose as a family unit when they feel they were not given direction to begin with? I believe healthy Christian Life Coaching offers a way forward.
At our ministry, Famous at Home, we have the privilege of helping many families either discover for the first time, or perhaps even rediscover, their direction as a family. Of course, many families don’t even realize they are directionless until a crisis hits, or they get the gnawing sensation of feeling stuck. We also see parents feel directionless when it comes to raising their kids. So many of us either parent the way our parents parented us, or we parent the complete opposite way because we do not like the way our parents parented us—and the problem in both cases is that we instinctively do so without thinking about why we lead little humans the way we do. You see the problem? We lead our families without thinking
It’s not all our fault either. We are products of the culture we find ourselves in. Being immersed in a Western, individualized culture, the purpose and collective mission of the family has been replaced by individual pursuits.[1] Today, this individual “chase” is probably personified most in a child’s
role on the travel sports team. The entire family being dictated by another individual’s schedule more than any collective or explicitly stated family mission. Families who buckle under the weight of the overwhelming busyness, stress, and pressure of these individual pursuits go one of two ways—each individual continues to pursue the dopamine bump of accolades outside the home, further fragmenting what’s going on inside the home, or they decide to find a way forward, together.
My chase led me to trying to juggle so many hats at once. I felt responsible for my kids, my wife, my dad’s widow, my mom, my work, my coworkers, those we served, and the list goes on and on. What I discovered about myself is that the only place I could go to feel safe was to work. Hence the journey of working hard, burning out, working hard, and burning out. That’s where I was stuck. I came to realize one of the reasons I was stuck is because of what I learned about how to keep the peace in relationships. Yet, as Christian life coaches, I genuinely believe our job is to help spouses, parents, and families get unstuck and provide them with a way forward. A direction. A purpose greater than the sum of their parts. And the way to do that is to help them get unstuck in their own family stories, to forgive their parents where needed and honor any part of the legacy they were given.
As we wrote in our book Famous at Home (2022), “Honoring our parents is a biblical command. But true honor doesn’t exist in denial. To honor well is to acknowledge the brokenness in our parents’ journeys, to forgive them, and to reconcile where possible. If we deny or excuse the pain, we run the risk of carrying into our own family story the same generational patterns and hurt that kept them chasing. There’s no honor in that. Not for my parents or my grandparents. To truly honor my dad as his biggest fan is not to deny the times he failed me, but to heal and learn from those moments, to focus on what a resilient man he was in all the ways he did show up for me, and then to carry that forward in an even healthier way.”[2]
As Christian life coaches, this is the mindset we have seen time and again help families feeling stuck and directionless find hope and purpose again, a journey paved on a path of honor.
Your story and mine are not written in a vacuum. We come into the world having been raised with a set of beliefs, values, and attitudes that dictate how we see the world around us—for better or worse. As we wrote in Famous at Home, you can sum up all of parenting research into one primary conclusion—our kids become who we are. If who our kids turn out to be reflects our own “becoming,” then we need to ask ourselves a few questions.
• Who am I today based on how well my parents engaged their process of becoming?
• What generational dynamics am I unknowingly passing on to my children?
• How did significant life events shape the way I or my family engage in relationships?
• Is there a version of my family’s story I can use to shape our family mission going forward?
Not until I said yes to the process of honoring my own story was I able to uncover answers to these questions—answers that changed the way I think about who I am and how I interact with my kids today.
During the season of uncovering some of my own family history, I had a dream about my dad’s dad. Growing up, he was in and out of my life, not really involved much. Because of his own life choices, he was the one-hit wonder who would show up at Christmas with a present or drop by our house unannounced on the random Saturday morning with a dollar for us kids, and to see my dad for a few minutes. I always loved to see him. Looking back, my biggest regret is not knowing him better. He was full of jokes and laughter and fun to be
around. In my dream, he was playing slow-pitch softball, a game my dad and I both played for many years, though I don’t remember my grandfather ever playing the sport. Standing to the plate, my grandfather hit a double. Stopping at second base, he started jumping up and down, cheering with overwhelming joy.
Unable to make sense of the dream, I asked my pastor to help me interpret what it meant. As we were praying together, he suddenly stopped and
said, “Josh, sometimes we get so focused on what’s wrong with our family that we miss what’s right. You told me your grandfather was a man of joy. Despite his divorce and broken relationships, he was a joyful human being who loved you guys in the ways he knew how. In that dream, he hit a double. I sense God giving you a double portion of your grandfather’s joy to carry into your family.”
Shut the front door. Somebody in my family lineage was praying for us. Today, we carry forward that joy as part of our own collective family mission. As you coach families, have them ask God to show them the ways they can honor their family lineage. What does God want them to carry forward into their own family? How can they turn the pain of their past into a blessing? What ways could their individual family stories speak into the family mission God has for them? The work can be challenging, yet it’s so worth it.
[1] You can read more about this move toward individualism and its breakdown on the family in C.R. Wiley’s book The Household and the War for the Cosmos: Recovering a Christian Vision for the Family (2019). Canon Press.
[2] Straub, J. & Straub, C. (2022). Famous at Home: 7 Decisions to Putting Your Family Center Stage in a World Competing for Your Time, Attention, and Identity. Tyndale House Publishers.
Joshua Straub, PhD, is a speaker, author, and marriage and leadership coach. Together with his wife, Christi, they lead Famous at Home, a company equipping leaders, corporations, and families in emotional intelligence and relational connection. Josh and Christi host the “Famous at Home” podcast, lead a yearlong coaching program called “The Leader’s Cohort,” and co-wrote three children’s books to help parents foster emotional awareness in kids. They also just released their latest book, Famous at Home. Josh and Christi love adventuring and making memories with their three kids, Landon, Kennedy, and Micah. See more at www.famousathome.com
I am here to tell you, no matter what you have faced or what your clients are facing, God can reverse the curse. It starts by choosing a relationship with Him, then allowing Him to heal and restore that need for acceptance we are all created to receive.
This time of year, our relationships with our families and loved ones often take center stage. It can be immensely positive and full of joy for some families. However, for others, it may seem more like tidings of pain and past hurts instead of comfort and joy. As life coaches, we have the unique opportunity to help our clients navigate the holidays. For some, this may mean giving them tools to make the good times better. For others, it may be helping get a gameplan for the challenges ahead.
No matter what your clients are facing relationally, there is one thing we would encourage you—and your clients—to do this holiday season and at other appropriate times: give a Blessing. For my dad (Dr. John Trent) and me, The Blessing is more than just something you say after someone sneezes or how
you end a prayer. It is the cornerstone of our entire ministry at StrongFamilies. The Blessing is built around Five Powerful Biblical Elements that help solidify attachment and connection with those we love. It can be transformational for even the most disconnected family to experience. I am going to walk you through a simple way to give a Blessing in just a moment, but before I do, I would like to share a story with you.
Last year, one of our clients, Kate, was really struggling. Her dad had walked out on their family when she was eight years old. She spent most of her childhood and teen years with very minimal contact with him. What contact she had was often full of pain, anger, and broken promises on his part. So much so, that by the time she was 18, she
had cut off contact with him completely. However, when Kate turned 31, her dad became a believer. As God transformed his life, he tried everything he could to transform his relationships with his kids as well. As you can imagine, this was not an overnight process of reconciliation and forgiveness on the part of his children. They all had layers and years of hurt, distrust, and broken promises they needed to address. This is what led Kate to us.
After a few sessions, Kate felt ready to take a step toward her dad and open the door to the possibility of a relationship with him. Over the last year, we have watched as the Lord has not only healed Kate but has restored her relationship with her father in ways only He can do. That leads us to today. In our meeting with Kate a few weeks ago, she expressed
that she wanted to do something special for her dad this year. She wanted to give him her Blessing. Kate had heard us talk about The Blessing a million times. We even spent several sessions helping her work through the fact that she had not received The Blessing from her dad growing up. Yet here she was, healed and ready to Bless someone who had never been able to Bless her.
So, we got to work. We helped Kate do exactly what we hope you, and your clients, will do this holiday season or at other times, which is follow the steps below to create a Blessing. Before we walk through the steps, I want to clarify one thing: Many of us, your clients included, have grown up without The Blessing. It can be a gift of unconditional love and acceptance from one or both of our parents. In
some cases, it was just never spoken. In others, curses and hurtful words were spoken instead. In yet others, abuse and addiction reigned supreme, not the positive biblical elements we are about to cover.
I am here to tell you, no matter what you have faced or what your clients are facing, God can reverse the curse. It starts by choosing a relationship with Him, then allowing Him to heal and restore that need for acceptance we are all created to receive. From there, He is even able to help us bless others—even those who have not chosen to bless us, like Kate and her dad. Yet, how do we do that? The good thing is, it’s simple. While you can learn more about The Five Elements of The Blessing at StrongFamilies.com or even take our course on The Blessing through ICCI, I am going to provide a simple and truncated version you and your clients can use.
First, it starts with bright eyes and appropriate meaningful touch. It says in Proverbs, “bright eyes make the heart glad” (Proverbs 15:30 REV). Now, neuroscience is showing us the same thing. When we smile and brighten our eyes at someone, studies have discovered that it instantly communicates joy, love, and acceptance to them. That small act tells someone “I’m crazy about you!” and that’s how we want to begin when we give our blessing.
Next, we are going to pick one character trait about that person. Something that is unique to them. For example, Kate chose the fact that her dad was trustworthy. While that was not always true in their relationship, over the past year, he had shown her again and again that he was a man of his word. She wanted to highlight that strength in him for her blessing.
Finally, we are going to write down how we see that character trait being used in their life and tell them directly that they have our blessing. For Kate, she shared how her dad being trustworthy had not only healed a huge hole in her heart but had also built her faith and allowed her to unlock parts of herself she never felt safe to before. She wrote that down into a blessing that read like this:
Dad,
Seeing how much the Lord has transformed your life, and our relationship, is an answer to prayer that I’m so blessed to be experiencing. I want you to know that you have become a man of integrity. You are trustworthy. You keep your promises. And you follow through. Not only have these traits blessed others around you, but this has helped me heal in ways I didn’t realize were possible. Dad, I want you to know you have my blessing. I’m excited to see how the Lord continues to grow our relationship in the days ahead. I love you.
Love, KateWhen Kate shared that Blessing with her father, (making sure to brighten her eyes and put her hand on his shoulder as she read) it was a powerful moment in their relationship. He cried. She cried. It brought them even closer together. To her dad’s credit, he came over the next week with a special blessing just for her, which was another lifechanging moment for her, and one she said she will remember her entire life.
Now, I realize not everyone is able to have that same type of reconciliation with a family member, but I do believe there is at least one person who is going to be at our family events this holiday season or other gatherings who needs our blessing, even if they may not be able to give us, or our clients,
a blessing in return. Will you join us in taking The Blessing Challenge, and choosing to give someone you love your Blessing? If you need help, or would like to learn more, we are here for you. Remember, the Lord can reverse any curse. We pray His blessing on each of you today.
Kari Trent Stageberg, MBA, is a speaker and author best known for her work on the book, The Blessing. Kari also serves as the CEO for StrongFamilies, a ministry she runs with her father, Dr. John Trent, to help strengthen families through God-honoring attachment or “Blessing” centered relationships. She has worked with multiple nonprofit organizations in the areas of fundraising, marketing, and strategic planning, and she co-founded a consulting company, The Nonprofit Consulting Shop, several years ago to provide top-level training and resources to small and startup nonprofits. As a survivor of abuse, Kari’s passion is to help others find freedom and healing in Christ. She has been able to partner with organizations such as Focus on the Family to bring restoration and recovery after abuse. She speaks at women’s ministry events, has written guest blogs, and leads small groups of women pursuing healing. When she is not writing or speaking, Kari spends her time enjoying the beautiful Pacific Northwest with her family. See more at www.StrongFamilies.com
There is an order for how to cultivate healthy relationships. We should first seek to be relational with God. Enhancing our relationship with Him naturally develops the relationship with ourselves. Ultimately, our relationships with others are largely impacted by our relationship with God and self.
God desires relationships, connection, and love. These aspects of human existence are the heart of God. God concerns Himself with relational matters because it is the foundation for Kingdom building. When relationships glorify God, they edify the people involved. Thus, cultivating healthy relationships and working to increase the quality of relationships is God’s divine design. When we work together to usher forth love and to be a representation of His goodness, we disrupt
the plan of the Enemy. The Enemy’s plan is to dismantle relationships, but God’s divine design is relationships. We should work together to harbor healthy relational dynamics. We should work to cultivate love in our hearts and radiate peace from within for the betterment of our relationships with others.
When we consider relationships, we must remember that Jesus left us with this command,
“’Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these” (Mark 12:30–31). This command is rooted in relationships. Our relationship with God, self, and others. There is an order for how to cultivate healthy relationships. We should first seek to be relational with God. Enhancing our relationship with Him naturally develops the relationship with ourselves. Ultimately, our relationships with others are largely impacted by our relationship with God and self.
Relationships are the heart of God. God created humankind to be relational. He created Eve because He knew it was not good for Adam to be alone. First John 4:16 reminds us that “God is love, all who live in love, live in Him.” Thus, we were created by love, to love, for the purpose of love. The relationship He desires to have with His creation is intrinsic to our existence. God intended to exist amongst His creation. When the fall of humanity threatened His relationship with creation, He surmised that an unconditional act of love would remedy any separation in our relationship with Him. Romans 5:8 reminds us that, “God shows His love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” John 3:16 also reminds us, “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” His love covered any debt that threatened the divine plan for relationship. If this is the history of relationships, we can surmise there are six fundamental themes or principles as it pertains to cultivating healthy relationships with God, self, and others.
Time God spent intimate time with Adam. These moments of time were spent patiently allowing Adam to name things in the Garden.
God entrusted Adam with the Garden and trusted him not to eat from the tree of the forbidden fruit. When that trust was violated, God implemented consequences. A boundary violation resulted in a consequence.
Implementing boundaries based on personal standards creates an understanding about what is and is not acceptable in that relational dynamic. Without boundaries, people are inclined to hurt others, sometimes inadvertently and other times with intent. In the event your boundaries are violated, have the standards to implement effective consequences. God implemented a boundary with Adam and Eve and when that boundary was violated, He issued a consequence. Something to note is that Adam and Eve’s punishment fit the offense. There is a need for awareness about what is considered a serious boundary violation and what is considered a minor offense; this balance is essential and best managed with grace. God gave Adam and Eve consequences, yet He graciously continued loving and favoring them. “The LORD God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them” (Genesis 3:21). Thus, determine for yourself to forgive, as we have been instructed (Ephesians 4:32, Matthew 6:14, and Matthew 18:21–22). Determine what consequences are fitting for boundary violations. Sometimes consequences look like creating space, implementing therapy, or mediation. Other times a consequence is not necessarily a punishment, but a new standard to implement for the enhancement of the relationship. Some examples of this are daily Bible study as a unit, daily prayer time as a unit, fasting as a unit, and relationship devotionals.
Relationships require a give-and-take balance. There will be seasons when someone sacrifices more than the other person. Sometimes, love is demonstrated best in the moments we sacrifice for the betterment of the relationship. When God sacrificed Jesus to close the relational gap between Himself and mankind, He was demonstrating that nothing could disrupt His relationship with us. We deserve a love that determines nothing can disrupt the thing God has joined together.
No one will always get it right, so there is always room for forgiveness in relationships. This is not to be confused with total acceptance. God totally forgives and totally accepts us as people, yet His grace is not to be abused. His grace bestows upon us forgiveness. In the same way, be forgiving, be merciful, and always determine what is and is not acceptable, and make decisions about your relationships accordingly. It is vital to determine how one’s behavior affects your mental health, emotional equilibrium, and spiritual connection to God.
God has and will always honor His word. This is a representation of how humankind should be in relationships. He kept His word in that when He said He loved us and wanted relationship with us, He dismantled what threatened connectivity with us.
Relationships should be predicated on love. The very reason relationships exist is because of God’s love. Therefore, when relationships are void of healthy love, consider this an invitation to reevaluate their place and purpose in your life.
Sometimes people lack the capacity to love unconditionally. Our capacity to give and receive love is highly influenced by our formative years. Our understanding of relationships stems from our environments as children.[1] Love grows from an understanding developed over time; childhood is the basis for that understanding.[2] Nevertheless, one reliable truth is that God changes things, and He changes people. He can do a wondrous work in the lives of people who did not receive love the way love should be given. Sometimes God uses you as a vessel to be a representation of godly love.
In other seasons, He sends people to love you the way you have always needed to be loved. Healthy relationships are rooted in godly love.
Essentially, relationships should be modeled after God’s divine design. Whether the relationship is a friendship, work dynamic, relative, or marriage, there are six fundamentals to ensure healthy relational functioning:
• Quality time
• Trust
• Boundaries and standards
• Sacrifice
• Forgiveness
• Reliability
All of these are best represented with love.
[1] Rose, Richard. “What’s love got to do with it?.” Developing Practice: The Child, Youth and Family Work Journal 40 (2014): 3–5.
[2] White, Keith J. “The growth of love.” International Journal of Social Pedagogy (2016).
India Logan, EdD, is the founder of Dr. India’s Christian Coaching Academy where she provides expert training to future Christian life coaches and quality services to coaching clients. She earned her doctorate in Organizational Leadership and is a Certified Life Coach and Certified Mental Health Coach, integrating Biblical applications, mental health, and behavioral practices that address the whole person. Dr. India is known for developing quality leadership skills in her students. She is recognized for teaching clients how to cultivate healthy relationships and reach mental breakthroughs. She specializes in goal attainment, spiritual, person, and professional development, healthier relationship functioning, and moving from pain to passion. Dr. India is a sought-after conference speaker, published author, former professor at a Christian university, and partners with various organizations, ministry leaders, and churches. See more at www.doctorindialogan.com
Taking the liberty of applying Scriptures out of context to comfort or encourage someone is not within our authority. It is not their relationship with you that suffers, it is their trust in the Lord that will be damaged when misapplication occurs.
Don’t Assume
As a single adult in my late 40s serving in ministry, counseling, and coaching, I have had many opportunities to hear the stories, hearts, and relationship goals of unmarried individuals. Recent Pew Research shows 40% of Christian adults (aged 30–64) are single. Our responses to and contentment with being unmarried vary greatly. However, in many of our experiences,
the perceptions of unmarried adults in this age range tend not to vary greatly, especially in our local churches where a heartfelt focus is placed on families, those outside of this church-goer norm— married and having children—can feel awkward and out of place. A general perception is that there is something wrong with single adults. Are they broken? Are they weird? Have they gone through a tragedy? The truth is probably yes. We all have
weirdness and brokenness in our lives. We all have probably gone through hard things. As you offer your skills and giftings as a life coach to single adults, here are a couple of assumptions to avoid:
• Don’t assume there is a problem; there may be a purpose.
• Don’t assume there is a purpose; there may be a problem.
As a coach, your best tool for discovering if your client is single on purpose or because of a problem is to ask good questions. Listen to their story. Has pain or have broken relationships impacted their status? Has there been a calling or duty in their life that has prevented them from marrying or led them in a different direction than marriage?
• Don’t assume their relationship solution. Albert Einstein is credited with saying, “Everybody is a genius. But, if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.”
Not every adult is made to climb a tree—some of us swim. Don’t assume God’s solution. Don’t make the mistake of thinking marriage is the goal. Marriage is a blessing; discipleship is the goal.
The above assumptions are not meant to bring condemnation on those of you who have said these things to single adults. I believe people mean well and they really want to encourage with their words. However, as a coach, you want to adjust your delivery and comments with compassion and understanding as you desire to build trust and rapport with those you serve. It’s not up to them just to “know what you meant to say” or “not be so sensitive.” If caring for, coaching, or loving the single adults in your life is important to you, then the following principles should be standards.
• Don’t use clichés or trite comments in reference to their dissatisfaction with singleness.
Jesus was single. Paul said singleness is a gift. These are true statements, yet impersonalized biblical example encouragements are more likely to deflate than encourage. These statements imply that not only is your client single, but also failing in being like Jesus or living up to Paul’s exhortation. Instead, ask clients if they have found encouragement in Jesus’ example or in some of Paul’s statements on singleness. Let them unpack their position with you instead of you placing an expectation on them.
• Don’t shame their emotions.
Here are four things I’ve heard said to me and to others that are meant to be an encouragement, yet often feel more like an admonishment.
ӹ If you just have faith, God will bring you your mate.
Singleness is not a punishment for lack of faith. Tying their circumstances or dissatisfaction in their singleness to a lack of faith or spiritual immaturity sets them up to think that God is holding out on them until they believe more or better. Marriage involves two people and multiple factors.
One person’s faith does not manifest a twoperson union. One person’s faith can impact their openness to receive and grow in new relationships. Focus on encouraging faith in God’s goodness as they seek His will and plan for their life.
ӹ God’s timing is perfect. Maybe you or your mate just aren’t ready yet.
No one is perfect, but hopefully all believers are learning and growing. Implying that single adults need to reach some level of readiness or holiness before God will lead them to marriage may cause them to be hard
on themselves or, believe that God is being hard on them. It also implies all the married people were somehow perfectly ready for their mate, despite their flaws and sinful habits.
ӹ You are never really alone. There are times when single adults will walk alone. I recently drove nearly five hours to be with my family as we laid my grandmother to rest. I know the Lord was with me, yet He didn’t drive the car while I cried. He didn’t physically hold my hand during the service. I am so thankful for His Word, and the Spirit, and worship music, and for friends and family who encourage me. Still, I had to walk out some of that time by myself—not spiritually alone, but physically, and in my grief, emotionally alone. Being alone is not a sin. Feeling that pain is not disrespectful to a relationship with Christ. Don’t twist the practical pains that may come with singleness and make them spiritual deficits of your client.
ӹ As soon as you are content in your singleness, God will send you your mate. Where in Scripture does God say if you will just get content in your greatest pain, then He will change it? Just get content where you don’t want to be, then He will move you? Get content in your illness, then He will heal you? God tells us to praise Him in the storm, yet He doesn’t say we have to like the storm. Praise reminds us of who He is and where our help comes from, yet He doesn’t require we get content in the struggle. God’s goodness and blessing are not dependent on our contentment. However, our contentment is very much tied to our trust in Him. There are times when we grow to trust the Lord in circumstances to a point where we relax and, in a way, get out of our own way. Contentment unlocks our own closed doors, not God’s.
This principle is probably the one that has been of greatest importance in my life and understanding of my singleness. Psalm 37:4 says, “Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.” This verse is just one of many often said to people who are waiting on the Lord in various seasons of life. It is particularly used with single adults who “desire” to be married. Taking the liberty of applying Scriptures out of context to comfort or encourage someone is not within our authority. It is not their relationship with you that suffers, it is their trust in the Lord that will be damaged when misapplication occurs.
As a transparent example from my life, I very much desired to have children. It is the great pain of my life and challenge to my joy that my path has not led to being a mother. My story is too long to tell here, yet ultimately, alongside this disappointment, I also very much delight myself in the Lord. My trust in Him grows, and my steps for Him are determined. And yet, there are “desires of my heart” He has not led me to fulfill. I had to wrestle with this verse, which has been spoken to me many times regarding marriage and having children, to align my experiences with what felt like contradictions to His Word. This verse does not promise marriage. Claiming this verse did not compel God to adhere to people’s application of it. The sincerity of people reassuring me that someday I would have children because that was
my heart’s desire put a false hope in me that, for a time, damaged my faith in God’s goodness. Don’t set your client up to doubt His faithfulness in your effort to grow hope where He may not intend for it to grow. Don’t promise them what He hasn’t.
We should not coach a person through their singleness and into new relationships without addressing their current relationships and considering the necessary skillsets that may need to be tuned or even acquired. Where are their successes? What attributes make them a success? What are their strengths in those relationships? What are their weaknesses? Help them grow in successful building and maintaining in the relationships they already have. As they align to what He has already given them—and seek His purposes for their life—the relationships they enter will have a better chance of developing from a place of health and freedom, not from need and dependence.
I came to a point in my life where I said, “Okay, God. You have not called me to be a wife or a mother. So, who am I? Who did you create me to be?” As I personally aligned myself to prioritize
the relationships and goals God clearly ordained for me (follow Christ, love and honor my parents, be a good aunt, friend, coworker, etc.), that is when I began to really see God’s purpose and calling in my life. I began reaching for the goals He showed me. So far, that has not led to a husband and did not lead to bearing children, but my contentment is in knowing I sought the Lord for His plan, and I am convinced of His goodness in it. To be honest, this contentment does not always relieve the grief that comes with hopes deferred. However, the fulfillment I have in knowing that I am exactly where He has called me to be gives me incredible empowerment, peace, and even joy. Help your clients get healthy and align to God’s will in their existing relationships and seek Him for their next steps.
Don’t assume God’s solution. Adopt principles that respect single adults and His purposes for them. Help them align to what God has given them and allow Him to determine their path forward. We may want God to honor the relationship we think our clients need, but they will be the most fulfilled when they prioritize and seek the relationships that honor and align with the will of God.
Haley Scully, MA, is the Senior Director of Strategic and International Operations with Hope for the Heart. In 2011, she began her work in the ministry’s counseling department before moving into the international work. She serves to develop partnerships, coordinate resources and distribution methods, and provide basic counseling and care ministry training for church leaders and parachurch organizations in over 25 countries around the world. Haley concurrently helps provide leadership for professional development initiatives that include training and resourcing Christian caregivers, life coaches, and counselors. She earned her Bachelor of Science degree in Communications from Oklahoma State University and Master of Arts in Marriage and Family Counseling from Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Haley is passionate about connecting hurting hearts to hope in Christ and the practical application of God’s Word to their everyday lives. She is a speaker, author, trainer, and serves as a guest host on June Hunt’s live, one-hour, call-in counseling program, Hope in the Night
When a person inventories themself and surrenders the impulse to inventory the other, and then admits the mistake and surrenders the urge to judge and criticize the other, there is exponential mutual growth, intimacy, and attunement.
Ahomeless man in Los Angeles sees a book leaning up against the curb, and like any other object he finds on the street, he picks it up, hoping to sell it for a nickel or two. He looks at his new find and discovers it is not just a book, it is The Life Recovery Bible. Unlike other objects he has found, he is no longer interested in selling it because the words “recovery” and “Bible” resonate with him—
and he has never seen those two words together. The words resonate because he is a believer, although his addiction decimated his relationship with God long ago. He believes the loss of his job, family, and home are punishments from God. Up until now, anyone associated with the church or the Christian faith viewed his addiction as a symptom of a spiritual weakness or deficiency that anyone with enough faith and a deliverance
service would overcome. For those like him who were not healed or delivered, there was nothing but judgement, shame, and total rejection. He knows he needs recovery, he just has not been able to achieve it or find it, no matter how hard he tried under his own power.
With all of this in mind, curiosity leads him to sit down and look through his new possession. He doesn’t just look—he starts reading the devotionals for Step One and the Scriptures associated with the first step. He reads himself to sleep and awakens to a police officer kicking his foot and telling him to move on. He already was. Before he fell asleep, he was already on the move through the Bible, the 12 Steps, and a Life Recovery journey that would eventually lead to the restoration of his family, home, and job. To some, it reads like fiction. To others, it appears to be a rare miracle. It is a miracle, yet it is one of millions of miracles that started when surrendered fellow strugglers bought, borrowed, or were given one of the 4,000,000 Life Recovery Bibles that bring the Bible back to recovery where recovery began. Four million souls in need of God, God’s truth, transformation, and a miracle. How do these miracles occur?
Each of us has an extreme limitation that will not be helped by trying harder. In fact, trying harder makes trying harder and harder. The research has been done with millions of people addicted to a substance, losing everything while continuing to believe willpower will eventually be enough. It never is. Life recovery is for everyone, and a struggler with severe depression needs recovery as much as an addict. Intense chronic and endogenous depression frequently removes the desire or ability to try harder, yet uniformed people believe it is exactly what a depressed person needs to do. Effort is not the beginning of transformation. Transformation starts with the realization that
God alone has the power to conquer the extreme limitation, followed by surrendering to God. Surrender comes in two forms. We are familiar with the type of surrender that accompanies a spiritual awakening. It is rich in emotion and experienced at the soul level and results in a change in feelings, thinking, motivation, and actions. It does not instantly change everything, because character, maturity, and sanctification take time. The other form of surrender is simply a choice to comply with what has worked for others. A struggler may not be convinced that compliance will work, but surrender is just as real when the choice to comply is made, even with doubts. The research on this type of surrender has also been done. Eventually the compliant doubter becomes a believer and transformation begins. Sometimes the miracle begins for the stubborn resisters with a simple question by a recovery coach, “Have you thought about taking a different path and trying for 30 days the path that has worked for millions of others?”
Surrender, Then Surrender Again and Again
The initial surrender of some who were written off as hopeless seems like a miraculous event; it is. It is also the first of many to come. If that is all that happened, the miracle would be short-lived. For those who have refused to see the reality of their lives or hear the observations of others, willingness to fearlessly search for and discover defects of character, and then share them with God and another, requires surrendering pride, deception, defense, and self-protection. Surrendering those opens wide the gates to developing an authentic and mutually loving relationship. Then, rather than try to fix those defects on your own, becoming willing for God to do the work and asking God to remove them is another deeper and more specific required surrender.
Surrendering again and again allows for the miracle of soul transformation. The surrenders to come are the ones that miraculously transform relationships. I resisted making a long list of the people I had wronged and could not bear to think of the humiliation of making it right. Finally, I surrendered, and after I had made amends, I could finally look shamelessly in the eyes of everyone. The past was resolved; I was engaging with others as a man free of the unbearable burden I had been dragging into every relationship.
The miracle grows when defensiveness, unkindness, and dishonesty are not justified, but surrendered and replaced with searching for wrongs committed and admitting them as soon as possible. Sadly, this is often where the transformation stalls out and the miracle begins to fade. When a person inventories themself and surrenders the impulse to inventory the other, and then admits the mistake and surrenders the urge to judge and criticize the other, there is exponential mutual growth, intimacy, and attunement. From there, life gets better and better as the priority is discovering God’s will, carrying it out, reaching to help others, and practicing these transformational principles in all of life, especially in relationships.
Surrender of self to a transformational process and surrendering others and their defects to God is a practice right out of God’s Word. A life coach rarely goes wrong asking about surrender. What areas are not fully surrendered? Where is the surrender partial and shallow? Who deserves an admission of doing the wrong thing at the wrong time with the wrong motives? These questions, followed by encouragement to do the next right thing, often lead to more hope and healing and a miracle of healthy, and even holy, relationships. Recovery coaching is coaching repeated surrenders and watching the miracle unfold.
Stephen Arterburn, MEd, is the Founder and Chairman of New Life Ministries, the Founder of Women of Faith conferences (attended by over five million people), and host of the #1 nationally syndicated Christian counseling talk show, “New Life Live,” heard by two million people each weekday on 200 radio stations nationwide. As a nationally and internationally known public speaker, he has been featured in national media venues such as Oprah, Inside Edition, Good Morning America, CNN Live, The New York Times, USA Today, US News & World Report, ABC World News Tonight, along with GQ and Rolling Stone magazines. Steve is also an inductee to the National Speakers Association Hall of Fame and a best-selling author of books such as Every Man’s Battle, Healing Is a Choice, Toxic Faith, Walking Into Walls, and his latest books, the Arterburn Wellness Series, and more. With over 11 million books in print, he has been writing about God’s transformational truth since 1984. Along with Dr. David Stoop, he edited and produced the award-winning Life Recovery Bible, which is on exhibit at The Museum of the Bible in Washington, DC. His ministry endeavors focus on identifying and compassionately responding to the needs of those seeking healing and restoration through God’s truth. Steve currently serves as the Teaching Pastor at Northview Church in Carmel, Indiana, where he resides with his family. See more at: www.newlife.com
Intentionality is often a concept that escapes most people. We simply don’t think about it. Yet, this often-overlooked concept can mean the world in our clients achieving their goals.
For this column, I want to talk about intentional coaching, which is something really near and dear to my heart. As a two-time Olympian, I have experienced first-hand the necessity of intentionality when it comes to achieving your goals. I had 12 seconds to win an Olympic medal or go home with nothing. Four years of training reduced to 12 seconds! Without a clear, specific, and intentional plan, I would have never accomplished two Olympic medals at two different Olympics and career that spanned over 10 years. Intentionality was a must and needs to be part of every coach’s playbook.
As a matter of fact, if you are not being intentional, you are just in a state of idle. This state of idle is deceiving and can be confused with movement. Take a car, for example. If you were seated in a started car and could not see out the windows, it would be hard to determine if the car was moving or in park—just idling. This deception can even become part and culture of your coaching practice.
It is 100 percent our responsibility as life coaches to create the coach/client cohesion, collaboration opportunities, and psychological safety for our clients. To further the challenge, the lack of physical presence and synergy with our client is
much harder with everybody being remote than it used to be. Intentionality is often a concept that escapes most people. We simply don’t think about it. Yet, this often-overlooked concept can mean the world in our clients achieving their goals. What exactly is intentionality? The Oxford Dictionary defines intentional as “done on purpose; deliberate.” Intentional relationships require each person to be active rather than passive. It requires coaches to coach their clients to take action instead of waiting for things to happen.
So, why is this important between coach and client? Well, first of all, when you are intentional about your relationship building, clients will feel drawn to you, as well as connected—assuring a level of psychological safety that is the goal of a coach for his or her client. Secondly, as with all goals in life, we know a level of consciousness and intention is required to achieve the necessary growth. Intentional relationship holds the power and exists to serve the client.
Here are three things to be intentional about with your client.
The relationship has the power in coaching, not the coach. Always remind your client to think proactively and encourage collaborative conversations. This will grow the trust, as well as strengthen the coach/client relationship.
Creating specific and consistent sets of activities (homework, drills, routines, etc.) will reiterate, reinforce, and remind the client of his or her goals.
The key to creating trust is to always encourage open and honest communication, and model this in your coaching (e.g., psychological safety).
the 5 P’s: Proper
To become a more effective coach, you must establish an intentional coaching practice. The intentional relationship holds the power and exists to serve the client. Designing an alliance between coach and client is a concrete way to make this relationship powerful. The upfront and ongoing building of an intentional relationship between coach and client will create a more controlled sense of urgency, prompting a more immediate and sustainable result.
In short, intentional coaching will help your clients Find, Get, and Stay—In The Zone!
Rev. Mark Crear, PhD, is a two-time Olympic Medalist (110 Meter-High Hurdles), a motivational speaker, certified counselor, and organizational consultant. Dr. Crear has over 15 years of diversified experience in multicultural competency training, diversity and inclusion, racial reconciliation, and life, relationship, organizational and performance coaching. He is the Founding Principal of In the Zone Coaching, Counseling, and Consulting Group, a mental health educator as an adjunct professor of psychology at Houston Baptist University, and published author (In the Zone: How to Overcome the Hurdles of Life and Peace Be Still: How to Promote Racial Reconciliation and Healing). As a former Olympic athlete, he understands the importance of hard work, perseverance, and focus. Dr. Crear is an ordained minister, speaking to both corporations and churches, but cherishes his roles as a loving husband and doting father. He and his family live in Northridge, CA. See more at markcrear.com
I think one of the most important traits in business is the creation of what I call an “attractive personality.” In business relationships, as well as personal relationships, projecting a personality that people want to be around is not only desirable—it is good business.
Adapted from: It Was Never About the Ketchup! The Leadership Legacy of H.J. Heinz
Everyone wants to be popular. We all have a genuine need and desire to be loved and appreciated! Even though we are all born with different “personality traits,” I believe developing the kind of personality that attracts favor and blessing is largely an acquired talent! “Individuality” and “fierce independence” are personality traits that are highly esteemed in today’s modern societies. And yet, the constant striving to maintain these qualities often comes at the price of sacrificing our personal relationships
with others. According to a study published in the American Sociological Review, Americans have one-third fewer close friends and confidants than just two decades ago—a sign that people may be living lonelier, more isolated lives than in the past. Increasing isolation, both personally and professionally, is the result of ignoring one very important fact: We Need Each Other!
Creating and maintaining great relationships takes hard work and intentional effort. Friends don’t come into our lives—or stay—by accident. H.J. Heinz, the John Maxwell of the 1800s, built an amazing worldwide company based on this
principle. He was very cognizant of the importance of getting along with people. He cultivated an “attractive personality.” People wanted to be around him and work for him because he cared about them and let them know they mattered to him. It is no wonder he left such a wide path of influence during his life. Everyone who met him was able to impart a personal story of the way H.J. Heinz noticed them and affirmed their importance as people on this earth. It was a godly characteristic that won the hearts of both the great and powerful and the humblest people who had the privilege of meeting him.
I think one of the most important traits in business is the creation of what I call an “attractive personality.” In business relationships, as well as personal relationships, projecting a personality that people want to be around is not only desirable— it is good business. When I am interviewing any potential candidate for a position in my companies, I find myself almost unconsciously evaluating whether the person will be a “good fit.” I am evaluating not just their talents or skills or competence. I am evaluating whether they have a “good personality.” I have met so many highly intelligent people who are off the scale in their abilities, training, and business acumen. However, if they have no “people skills,” I really steer clear of them. I can’t help myself! In our competitive world today, there are just too many good choices for customers to make. I tell my staff in the law office that if a client chooses our firm out of the literally thousands of attorneys in my area, I never want to give them a reason to go anywhere else! From our receptionist to our paralegals, to our associate attorneys and our partners, I feel we are in the service business. People evaluate whether they like us before they determine whether they want us to be their lawyers.
In studying the leadership legacy of H.J. Heinz, I was struck by the significance that his genial
personality had on his business dealings and reputation and on everyone who met him. He loved to smile! He once employed a person just to smile! “It is worth something to me to have someone in the office who can meet strangers with a smile” was his answer when asked about one of his new hires. The news spread through the place that Mr. Heinz was advancing salaries for those who could smile. No surprise, smiling became popular in the company. “It’s good business,” he said, “to employ men who smile!”
I don’t necessarily believe you can have a “Christian company,” as much as I do believe you can have a company full of Christians and informed by our Christian faith. This can be tricky in the business world. When business associates know you are a sincere believer, many times they are expecting some artificial and stiff relationship based on old stereotypes. To me, cultivating an “attractive personality” includes making my faith and spiritual convictions attractive as well. When people tell us their experience at our law firm has been “positive,” or “surprisingly rewarding,” I know we are doing a good job of integrating our faith into our business and leaving our clients with something surprising—an attractive legal experience.
I have been attracted and challenged by reading of the genial disposition of H.J. Heinz and how it showed through in his dealing with people who knew about his deep spiritual zeal. When people first met him, they expected him to preach to them or try to regulate their spiritual attitudes. However, the same regard for other people’s rights and feelings that governed him in other relations governed him in his deepest convictions. He respected other people’s creeds, beliefs, and even their disbeliefs, and he was especially thoughtful of this in the case of those on whom he might most easily have exerted some pressure.
He had what I call “utter courage”—physical and moral. He had the courage as a businessman to make his Christian faith and ethics part of business. He had the courage as a follower of Jesus to make tolerance part of his faith. Everyone who met him was assured they would be heard. This has been a great lesson for me in running companies and organizations. I want my people to know I am listening to them, that their “story” matters to me. Why? Because I know God has taken the time
to listen and know my “story.” I have confidence in His leadership because I know He hears me. The Bible says God is “intimately acquainted with all my ways” (Psalm 139:3). He is a good listener and so I trust Him. I want to cultivate that skill in my relationship with people. It is an attractive characteristic.
Cultivate an “attractive personality.” It is hard work, yet it is worth it—and it’s good business!
Stephen D. Lentz, Esq, is a co-Founder of Anchor Legal Group, PLLC, the former President of Middle East Television, and the former Senior Vice President of Worldwide Sales for International Family Entertainment. Mr. Lentz has served as an adjunct professor at Regent University School of Law and the Graduate School of Communications, and serves clients in the areas of corporate formation, complex business transactions, entertainment law, intellectual property, non-profit law, and foundation and church/ministry representation. He is also an author and speaker, including: Bulletproof: Business Protection Strategies from a War Zone and The Business of Church: The Concise Business Handbook for Pastors and a leadership book based on the life and leadership of H.J. Heinz, It Was Never About the Ketchup! Mr. Lentz is recognized as one of the top five “Church Law Authorities” in the U.S. representing denominations and churches in all 50 states and every province in Canada. He and his wife, Cathy, live in Virginia Beach, VA, have four children, and seven grandchildren. See more at stephendlentz.com
Leadership is about relationship. Leaders lead people. People are not projects or problems to solve. People comprise the essence of your ability to achieve success in business or ministry.
D“He who thinks he leads, but has no followers, is only taking a walk.”
—John Maxwell
espite years of increasingly robust research and application of leadership theories, it is disappointing that the “people stuff” is still overlooked or diminished. Strategy and execution are important. Alignment, mission, and vision are, too. Imagine a leader standing at the front of their “stage” looking out at the future—their desired destination. As they look forward, who stands alongside them, who do they rely on, who are they taking with them? Strategy and execution are essential elements and you do use them in pursuit of alignment, mission, and vision. Remember though, these are simply activities that could be likened to a stage prop. They are only as powerful as the person using them.
Leadership is about relationship. Leaders lead people. People are not projects or problems to solve. People comprise the essence of your ability to achieve success in business or ministry. Culture reflects your leadership. Leaders are sometimes born with great gifts that equip them to be good leaders. More often though, good leaders are made that way by learning the skills to influence, empower, and support people. Good leaders also lead from the “middle,” and that includes two applications. First, it means not being too far out ahead—or too far behind—your team. It also means leading from the center of who you are. Heart-centered leadership. Servant leadership.
Ken Blanchard, in his inimitable fashion, reinforced servant leadership in his presentation to the London Forum in 2017. He included some of the core behaviors of servant leadership. The ability to show up as a serving leader, and to lead from the middle, rests on the foundation of who you are at your core. The essence of that foundation already exists within you. It may need some nurturing and inner work to have the impact on how you show up with others, every day, at work and at home. (Note: Surfacing the essence of servant leadership is not done alone. All good leaders have a coach to walk the journey of development with them.) As you consider the following questions, think about where you might strengthen your serving leadership presence in your personal and professional relationships.
Do I know and live my values? What incorrect beliefs and assumptions are preventing me from being my best self with others? How does the content of my character show up in the moral, ethical, compassionate behavior I demonstrate that reflects the love of Christ in me? Do I value and respect who I see in the mirror?
“Good leaders bring their souls into their work, contributing to the collective soul of their organizations.”
—BobVanourek, Leadership Wisdom, 2016
My identity is made up of the physical, emotional, intellectual, and spiritual dimensions of who I am— who God created me to be. How am I living an aligned life in a way that honors my God-anchored identity? What are my strengths? What is standing in the way of me being the best I can be as a leader? What are the lessons and growth that resulted from my unique life journey? Where are key milestones, and how have they shaped who I am today? As I have made sense of my story and life events, I have shaped an internal dialogue—a narrative. Have the stories I tell myself turned into steppingstones or stumbling blocks in my desire to be a better leader? What necessary shifts would advance my leadership? (Remember—you control your narrative.) What is my default mindset/orientation? Do I typically focus on what’s wrong, or what’s right? How do I approach challenges and problems? What shifts will I make to develop a mindset that will drive success and joy?
Only when a leader has a strong, Christ-anchored character and healthy, balanced self-identity is it possible for them to show up from a place of humble strength and genuine love for those they lead. Building thriving, healthy relationships takes intentional effort every day.
The following leadership behaviors will help you get positive results for yourself, your team, and the end goal you desire most for your organization.
• Tell the truth—about yourself, about the current reality, about results. Nothing erodes trust and relationship faster than dishonesty, avoidance, criticism, and pride. Even when truth is painful and every part of you would prefer to hide it, recognize that being truthful is what people need most from you. Truth telling will create solid foundations on which they can build trust and, ultimately, get good results.
• Learn to be vulnerable and transparent. These two concepts travel together, and I liken them to the firmness of the ground on which a team stands. Patrick Lencioni, business management expert, speaks of vulnerabilitybased trust. This is different to the traditional predictive trust on teams. Learn to be vulnerable with your team regarding your own mistakes, your own needs, and your own feelings. Leaders often mistake vulnerability for weakness. Vulnerability is about being human and admitting to being human (aka being “real”). When you try to hide or cover up weakness, or minimize challenges, it causes the soil of team trust to erode.
Transparency is also being open and honest about your thoughts and feelings. Not being open and transparent means your team members don’t really feel secure about your leadership. When either of these behaviors is absent, trickle by trickle, the firmness of team bonds will wash away, until they fall apart.
• Seek out what’s within those you lead. Good leaders know how to find the Imago Dei—the essence of the Spirit within others. Be a talent scout and keep calling out the good in the people you lead. That means becoming more invested in them than yourself.
Good leadership is about people, and it always shows up in your results.
Kim Levings, originally from South Africa, is an experienced and well-regarded professional with more than 35 years of experience in the fields of training development and life coaching. Her work in the corporate, non-profit, and church arenas, has positioned her with a unique understanding of the challenges, successes, and best strategies for leaders and followers alike. Kim is the Founder and CEO of ReThinkYou Consulting, providing a mix of personal development, leadership, and team development training and coaching programs. The ReThinkYou podcast has published more than 35 episodes since 2020. She has held executive and other leadership positions in Human Resources and Manpower Development with national retail corporations in South Africa, has walked alongside ministry founders, and consulted on other projects to create scalable solutions in building and equipping teams. For ten years, Kim was Executive Director of the National Outreach Convention, bringing thousands of church leaders together every year in San Diego. Kim also served as Vice President of Client Experience for a management consulting firm, during which she led the deployment of Serving Leadership in several large healthcare organizations, as well as a division of the Dept. of Veterans Affairs. Kim is a Master Coach for Think-X, where she has provided subject matter expertise and senior consulting for more than 25 years, is a podcast host, and author of five books. For more, see kimlevings.com
When it comes to the field of people helping— from lay caregiving, to chaplaincy, to life coaching, social work, and licensed mental health practice— the ability to form a “therapeutic” bond is often seen as one of the most important tasks leading to breakthrough, recovery, greater well-being, goal attainment, and personal growth.
We were created in relationship, through relationship, and for relationship. The Genesis story opens with a palette of unlimited splendor, a breathtaking expression of the Creator and His nature. Much like an artist, God steps back and takes perspective—His passion and glory emerging on a canvas that was once empty and void. These are words of light and life spoken before the darkness. The design is good (Genesis 1:25). The joy is definitive. This is followed by a crowning achievement, His image bearer formed out of the very dust of the earth, and behold, God declares it to be very good (Genesis 1:31). He “breathed into his nostrils the breath of life; and man became a living being” (Genesis 2:7). Then the determination is made that something is not good (Genesis 2:18)—man is alone and has no expression for the beauty and relational intimacy found in the Trinity.
When Adam and Eve sinned against God in the Garden, unfettered relationship with the Creator was broken, as was a measure of trust and security between the man and the woman. In response to God’s question, Adam said, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid” (Genesis 3:10). Ever since the fall of humankind, when we are aware of our own “nakedness,” not in the literal sense, but when we fail, come up short, experience pain, feel alone, are rejected by others, etc., our natural tendency is to be afraid and ashamed, and we begin looking— both in reality and metaphorically—for a place to hide. The truth is that far too often, we have a crisis of identity and are insecure with the “man (or woman) in the mirror.” Before long, the insecurity spreads in how we relate (or don’t) to others, including God, and we seek ways to compensate, protect ourselves, bring greater balance into our
lives, and in many ways, desperately seek the safety of trusting and caring relationships that we hope bring a measure of affirmation, validation, or love. Some argue that even though this generation is the most technologically connected in history, it is also the most relationally disconnected generation in history. The trend across generations reveals an ever-widening gap—from Traditionalists (1920–1945), to Baby Boomers (1946–1964), to Generation X (1965–1980), to Millennials (1981–2000), and now Generation Z (2000–current). Beyond this growing disparity, we have also contended with a two-year global pandemic. If Covid was the earthquake that shook the world, then the subsequent mental health crisis has been the tsunami that followed. Every related statistic— loneliness, anxiety, depression, suicide, abuse, domestic violence, addictive disorders, marital and family stress—has skyrocketed, and knowing no boundaries, the impact has also penetrated the walls of the church. As a result of extended social distancing and human isolation, people everywhere were prevented from the very thing their God-given DNA was designed for: connection and relationship.
When it comes to the field of people helping—from lay caregiving, to chaplaincy, to life coaching, social work, and licensed mental health practice— the ability to form a “therapeutic” bond is often seen as one of the most important tasks leading to breakthrough, recovery, greater well-being, goal attainment, and personal growth. This is because the research literature has clearly revealed that one of the greatest determining factors related to positive outcomes has to do with the quality of relationship between the one seeking help and the one offering help. In many regards, the same dynamic also comes into play when considering everyday relationships—within a marriage, among family members, between friends or coworkers, in business transactions, how leaders interact with their stakeholders, and more.
Years ago, I used to do quite a bit of rock climbing when I lived in California, including working with at-risk teens, most of whom lacked any meaningful connections in their lives. There are a number of essential voice commands climbers utilize, especially when there is limited or no visual contact between them. Whether climbing or rappelling, “On Belay” is the first command used and refers to different techniques for keeping sufficient tension on a climbing rope so that in the event of a mishap, a climber will not fall very far before being stopped. It indicates the climber is now connected to the rope. The partner responds by saying, “Belay On,” which conveys the equally important message, “I’m locked in and anchored here for you—for your safety, your security, and well-being. I have you and you’re good to go!”
Mountains, like obstacles and even relationships in life, can be successfully summited with determination, teamwork, support, consistent communication, and most of all, the element of trust. The same is true for people facing loss, trauma, crisis, or simply a time when hope has vanished and guidance is needed. Segments of humanity continue to struggle with the right approach, the right resources, and the right navigation tools for safe and secure relationships. So how does a life coach say, “Belay On?”
One of the most missional and transformative things we can offer to a client within the coaching process is the power of a genuine and authentic relationship. This is more than sympathy (awareness of your own thoughts and feelings), and more than empathy (awareness of another’s thoughts and feelings), because it also includes a demonstration of compassion. Compassion says, “I will walk with you as you continue to pursue the things of God and His calling in your life.” Here are seven factors worth considering:
HUMILITY—to approach the one who is in need
DISCERNMENT—to understand what God is saying and doing
WISDOM —to know what to do with what God reveals
GRACE—to apply God’s solution in the matter
POWER—to push through the resistance of the “evil one”
PERSEVERANCE—to maintain steadfastness and determination
LOVE—to “cover a multitude of sins”
How do we learn this? How do we grasp these principles in context? Perhaps it begins by being accountable and in one or more authentic relationships yourself. That way, you’re not coaching from head knowledge alone, but from a lived experience.
Eric Scalise, PhD, LPC, LMFT, serves as Senior Vice President and Chief Strategy Officer (CSO) with Hope for the Heart. He is also the President of LIV Consulting, LLC, the former Senior Vice President for the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), and former Department Chair for Counseling Programs at Regent University in Virginia Beach, VA. Dr. Scalise is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 43 years of clinical and professional experience in the mental health, higher education, and organizational consulting fields, as well as having served six years on the Virginia Board of Counseling under two governors. Specialty areas include professional/ pastoral stress and burnout, combat trauma and PTSD, marriage and family issues, grief and loss, addictions and recovery, leadership development, and lay counselor training. He is a published author (Addictions and Recovery Counseling and Lay Counseling: Equipping Christians for a Helping Ministry), adjunct professor at several Christian universities, conference speaker, and frequently works with organizations, clinicians, ministry leaders, and churches on a variety of issues. As the son of a diplomat, Dr. Scalise was born in Nicosia, Cyprus, and has also lived and traveled extensively around the world. He and his wife Donna have been married for 43 years, have twin sons who are combat veterans serving in the U.S. Marine Corps, and four grandchildren
