InFocus V3I1

Volume 3 Issue 1

Moving Past the #1 Fear That Blocks Coaches from Speaking Up to Help Others

by Dwight Bain

by Abbey Steffey

p.14

p.2

Communication Cliques and Clashes: Generational Diversity in the Workplace

by Dr. Rita Murray

Let’s Talk About Social Media

p.6

Writing with Clarity, Compassion, and Excellence

by Emily Fraige

p.18

Communication and Other Horror Shows

by Rolfe Carawan

p.10

COMMUNICATION

DISCLAIMER InFocus by the International Christian Coaching Network (ICCI), a strategic initiative of Hope for the Heart (HFTH).

Unsolicited manuscripts are not accepted and will not be returned.

Editorial Offices: International Christian Coaching Institute, 2001 W. Plano Parkway, Suite 1000, Plano, Texas, 75075 Copyright ©2024 by ICCI. All rights reserved.

The ICCI represents a group of Christian Life Coaches who are dedicated to serving others with compassion and professionalism by utilizing biblical principles that assist clients in setting individualized goals through a collaborative partnership that addresses the whole person. Its distinctives integrate principles of faith and the hope and truth found in God’s Word, while embodied with professional and ministerial excellence. The purposes and objectives of the ICCI are not intended to provide or be a substitute for advice, consultation or treatment with a duly licensed mental health practitioner. Its resources and services are intended to provide practical faith-based guidelines for balanced living and are not a replacement for medical advice. As such, consumers should seek professional services whenever necessary and/or appropriate.

Views expressed by authors, presenters, and advertisers are their own and do not necessarily reflect those of InFocus or ICCI. InFocus and ICCI do not assume responsibility in any way for members’ or subscribers’ efforts to apply or utilize information, suggestions or recommendations made by the organization, its publications or other resources.

Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture quotations are taken from The Holy Bible, New International Version®, NIV® Copyright © 1973, 1978, 1984, 2011 by Biblica, Inc.® Used by permission. All rights reserved worldwide. www.zondervan.com. The “NIV” and “New International Version” are trademarks registered in the United States Patent and Trademark Office by Biblica, Inc.®

PUBLICATION TEAM Editor in Chief Eric Scalise Managing Editor Emily Fraige Art Director Steve Audish Senior Graphic Designer Sylvain Mallette Advertising Jimmy Queen

ARTICLES Moving Past the #1 Fear That Blocks Coaches from Speaking Up to Help Others

by Dwight Bain................................................................................ 2 Communication Cliques and Clashes: Generational Diversity in the Workplace

by Dr. Rita Murray.......................................................................... 6 Communication and Other Horror Shows

by Rolfe Carawan.......................................................................... 10 Let’s Talk About Social Media

by Abbey Steffey............................................................................ 14 Vol. 3: Issue 1 Welcome to this Issue of InFocus, ICCI’s premier publication. Every quarter, you will receive your next Issue as a valued Member. Each Issue highlights a unique theme related to the world of Christian Life Coaching—to include in depth articles by leading voices in the field, as well as a selection of regular columnists who share their expertise. The theme for this quarter is COMMUNICATION. Good communication requires professionalism, courage, empathy, and excellence. In this Issue, learn to overcome a fear of public speaking, how to interpret other generations in the workplace, what to say and not to say in a legal context, healthy approaches to conflict, ways to improve your social media, and much more. Our authors for this Issue include Dwight Bain, Dr. Rita Murray, Rolfe Carawan, Abbey Steffey, and Emily Fraige.

Our columnists are Steve Arterburn, Steve Lentz, Esq., Curtis Hail, and Dr. Eric Scalise.

We hope you enjoy learning more about communication in this Issue of InFocus.

Writing with Clarity, Compassion, and Excellence

by Emily Fraige.............................................................................. 18

COLUMNS Life Recovery Today

by Steve Arterburn, MEd............................................................. 22 Ethics for Life and Business

by Stephen D. Lentz, Esq.............................................................. 25 LeaderEQ

by Curtis Hail, MABS, CPA (ret)................................................ 28 On Mission

by Eric Scalise, PhD...................................................................... 32

Moving Past the #1 Fear That Blocks Coaches from Speaking Up to Help Others

by Dwight Bain

C

oaching is in greater demand than ever—it seems like everyone is talking about the benefits of having a coach on social media, podcasts, television, radio, magazines, newspapers, blogs, YouTube, Ted Talks, and more. A huge demand should mean every coach has a completely full schedule of clients, right? Sadly, no. Most coaches enjoy working one on one with clients; however, many are fearful of public speaking, and it’s not just coaches, since the fear of public speaking is the most common phobia—ahead of death, spiders, or heights.

2

Fact: 73% of the population has anxiety about public speaking. —National Institute of Mental Health What happens when coaches gain the skill to move beyond that fear? They help hundreds of others with more opportunities to share their message of hope and change. Sharing your message adds immediate value to your audience, then ripples as people who believe in your message tell others who seek you out to help. Don’t be afraid to give free talks because when you “wow” your audience,

Always speak as if you were giving the most important talk of your life because excellence always comes back to bless you after it blesses your audience.

the word spreads and often leads to paid speaking events. Always speak as if you were giving the most important talk of your life because excellence always comes back to bless you after it blesses your audience.

Here are a few important principles to keep in mind as you begin to reach out to make a positive difference using the strategy of public speaking that serve others while positioning you as the coaching expert in your region.

1. It’s not about you—it’s about the audience One of the biggest sources of fear of public speaking is being judged by others. That can be solved by remembering the principle it’s not about you—it’s about serving them. It’s all about sharing a message to solve problems with your expertise. Give as much content as possible because if it sounds like a sales pitch, it won’t work. Care about your audience; care about their needs and give them everything you can in the time given to make their lives work better.

3

2. Build on your communication strengths When you are passionate about your subject, this is your place to shine. If you aren’t strong on a given topic, however, walk away. Talk about solutions where you can make the greatest difference. This usually flows out of your life story. When you build on your strengths, writing and speaking will come easily, and your sincerity shows you as an expert they can trust to add value. If you love to tell stories, build on that strength. If your style is more instructional, then create an interactive workbook to make it a training time of greater learning. Sharing high content in a creative way always connects.

3. Focus on creative topics to spark the imagination Book titles create curiosity to read the book, and speaking topics do the same for presentations.

Avoiding Financial Ruin; Escaping Bad Relationships; Simple Changes to Live to 100; How to Kick Arguments Out of Your Home; Does Speed Reading Create Lasting Wealth?; Recession-Proofing Your Business. Use a great title to excite your audience. They are going to

4

experience a creative time of learning. Another technique is to craft a title/subtitle process to capture the right and left hemispheres of the brain, (logical/rational brain vs. emotional/ creative brain). For instance, title: Relationship Renewal (right hemisphere), subtitle: “How to recover, rebuild, and renew with the people you care about most” (left hemisphere, which is often about a lengthier description of the “howto” you have described in your main title). This way you catch the attention of a much wider audience, while your single topic keeps your thoughts in line for a powerful presentation with lasting results.

4. Be professional, be prepared, and be brief Frequently you may not get the full time you were promised, so be flexible. The more prepared you are ahead of time, the easier it is to “edit” your message to always end on time. Have a large-print introduction to have the planner read aloud that outlines your credentials as an expert as a strategy to let the audience know of your coaching expertise. Worksheets are a great way to reinforce your message, as well as

add your contact information at the bottom of the sheet. Dress one level above your audience and be as polished as you can be for maximum impact since you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression as a communicator or coach.

5. Give a great talk for lasting impact As you grow comfortable with giving presentations on a regular basis, you can expand your message to new audiences. Think ahead on how to leverage your speech into a

message that others want their friends to hear because they heard a polished pro. Every time you give a powerful presentation you open the door for greater opportunities to serve, and it all starts when you get past the fear to step up and speak out. Take the challenge to be the coach who adds the greatest value in your region by sharing your story in a powerful way. Then get ready to hear success stories of how your words led to changed lives because you cared enough to build new skills to connect to people seeking answers in these complicated times.

Dwight Bain, MA, is the Founder of the Lifeworks Group in Winter Park, FL. He helps people rewrite their stories through strategic change and is dedicated to helping people achieve greater results. Since 1984, Dwight has helped thousands of people across America as a Keynote Speaker, Certified Leadership Coach, Nationally Certified Counselor, and a Critical Incident Stress Management expert. He is a trusted media resource on managing major change and has been interviewed on hundreds of radio and television stations and quoted in over 100 publications.

Dwight is a lifelong resident of Orlando where he lives with his wife Sheila and an assortment of pets. Married 35 years, they always have suitcases packed for their next adventure together. For more, see www.dwightbain.com.

5

For the first time, there are five distinct generations working side by side who need to collaborate and compromise rather than control and revolt.

Communication Cliques and Clashes: Generational Diversity in the Workplace

by Dr. Rita Murray

Before God we are all equally wise—and equally foolish. —Albert Einstein

G

enerational disunity and conflict are an alltoo-frequent occurrence. It happens in our homes, businesses, schools, government, churches— and it has a potential to drive deep wedges between unsuspecting individuals. Rather than just labeling it, this article briefly explores some ideas and seeks to resolve some issues of the generational communication puzzle.

There might be five different generations working side by side in a workplace where competencies and 6

capabilities no longer exclusively correlate to age or experience. There can be hostility and resentment among older, not-so-older, and younger employees that have the potential to cause untold damage to every unenlightened business, leader, manager, team, and/or organization.

Intergenerational conflict can have a disastrous impact on morale and productivity, and can also lead to EEO (Equal Employment Opportunity) complaints and lawsuits. In recent years, age discrimination has become the fastest growing category of charges that EEOC (Equal Employment

Opportunity Commission) receives. It is a problem based in values and global economic shifts. Agebased stereotypes and prejudices are often fueled by generational differences.

Individuals who understand the conditions that shaped the workplace attitudes of each generation and the values and beliefs that flowed from those conditions will have a proven set of tools for creating strong relationships and teams and for getting things done. When you understand how others are different from you generationally, you can modify your behavior and

communication style to improve your relationships and be on your way to success.

Cross-generational collaboration creates harmony in the workplace and is a business imperative.

How are generations defined?

A generation is defined as a birth period of roughly 20 years shared by a group of people who experience common life events and cultural milestones that form their values, attitudes, and life and work perspectives. These time blocks overlap 7

Examples of behaviors associated with generational preferences may help you understand the high cost of delay in recognizing generational bias (for context, review the table above):

as one generation matures and another is born, so those sandwiched between these timeframes may see characteristics of themselves in two generations.

Sure, there have always been generation gaps between the young and the old, throughout all biblical history. However, for the first time, there are five distinct generations working side by side who need to collaborate and compromise rather than control and revolt: Traditionalists, Baby Boomers, Generation X, Millennials, and Gen Z. It indicates an explicit need for discussing, understanding, and appreciating generational differences to survive and thrive in the workplace.

Here is a table that defines future age ranges for perspective on the need to communicate more effectively: A challenging part of communicating across the generations is that the speed of technological innovations has dramatically altered the type of tools each generation is more comfortable using.

When we talk about these five generational profiles, we are talking about the millions of people in the middle of the bell curve of each generation.

Appreciating and making constructive use of generational differences helps everyone in the workplace. It is hard to move from recognizing and understanding to appreciating and effectively using differences because we all have a generational bias for our own way of seeing things.

8

• Millennials may think Traditionalists and/or Baby Boomers are withholding information about an upcoming change when they may really be motivated to protect younger staff from discouraging news. In their work view at the same age, they blindly accepted an unspoken rule of “the boss will only tell you if you have a need to know.”

• Baby Boomers may carry a belief that Gen X members have a lesser sense of duty because Gen Xers were the first generation to emphasize the importance of work-life balance.

• Traditionalists may view Millennials and Gen Z as uncertain or inconsistent when they are simply processing multiple options internally or out loud, which results from their extraordinary access to information and their grasp of technology.

• Baby Boomers may think Traditionalists are unimaginative when they raise realistic and practical questions based on their experience in a “roll up your sleeves,” hands-on era.

• Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z may view Baby Boomers as using their political power and values in client scenarios and putting a priority on a more formal business atmosphere and the relationships formed there.

• Gen X, Millennials, and Gen Z may unite in believing that Baby Boomers are rigid and controlling when they discuss the results of the recent reorganization and their plans for the new product rollout and potential profits without recognizing human/subjective/ individual impacts with similar attention and value.

Applying a generational filter can sometimes help people to move from exasperation with these differences to acceptance, from tolerating the differences to appreciating them.

As a matter of ethics, remember, the five generations are not five boxes into which we can put others. Rather, it’s an easy way to understand some of their preferences and integrate them with our own. No one generation is better than another.

Each has a unique combination of assets and pitfalls.

And no single generation drives the requirements of today’s workplace—it is driven by the realities of a new hi-tech global economy. Our goal is to help extend your understanding of others, enrich your personal and professional relationships, and move you to a higher level of effectiveness.

Remember, each of the five generations predictably work well in unison within their own generational members—i.e., Boomers with Boomers, Gen Z with Gen Z, etc. However, when you ensure attention and training on generational diversity issues, you create what cannot be done by any generation alone: intergenerational harmony.

Successful businesses and those with a competitive edge orchestrate a workplace in which all the generations contribute the perfectly coordinated sound. Webster defines orchestrate as “to arrange or combine so as to achieve a maximum effect.”

Orchestration means “harmonious organization.”

The combined contributions of the Traditionalists, Baby Boomers, Generation Xers, Millennials, and Generation Z will create priceless workplace harmony.

Just as music is the international language, so each generation has their own kind of universal “sound.”

Our generational sound brings excitement and unique nuances to everyone; however, it can also create “cacophony” when “played” in conflict with the other generations. With an understanding of the generations, you can get a practical “handle” on the abilities and skills needed for intergenerational harmony.

Rita Murray, PhD, is the Founder and Principal of Performance Consulting, LLC, an organizational development firm, previous CEO and Chairman of a national energy services company, cognitive psychologist, Certified Speaking Professional (CSP), executive coach, and sought-after leadership consultant. She has held leadership roles at GE and Lockheed, and is also a private pilot. Dr. Murray frequently speaks at leadership events and conferences and is highly regarded for her ability to connect personal and interpersonal development with the needs of business and with mobile and virtual technology. She has a particular gift for explaining the different perspectives of each generation and personality types to create a bridge of understanding towards healthier business relationships and ultimately, a stronger bottom line. Dr. Murray lives in Moore, OK with her husband, Ron. See more at performanceok.com

9

Jesus was a master communicator because He would share His wisdom using varied methods.

Communication and Other Horror Shows

by Rolfe Carawan

A

h, communication—what a challenging topic.

I have heard that the fear of public speaking (communicating) is trumped only by the fear of death. Public speaking is worse because you have the opportunity to die a thousand times rather than just once! But let not your heart be troubled; you are guaranteed to succeed at communicating something. Now, whether it is what you intend to communicate is another story.

As I write this article addressing communication, I am painfully aware, due to my many years of experience, I am likely to miscommunicate something along the way. Thankfully, the Bible provides some warnings and instructions when conveying information to others.

10

Proverbs warns us, “Too much talk leads to sin. Be sensible and keep your mouth shut” (Proverbs 10:19 NLT). Jesus reminds us, “Out of the abundance of the heart” the “mouth speaks” (Luke 6:45 ESV).

With these truths before us—speak less than you listen and guard your heart—let’s take a quick look at three aspects of communication that would be wise to consider: Knowledge, Mode, and Feeling.

Knowledge Proverbs 15:2 (NLT) says, “The tongue of the wise makes knowledge appealing, but the mouth of a fool belches out foolishness.” In other words, have something to say!

A huge part of communication is making what you know interesting, appealing or relevant to your audience. In an earlier article, I wrote about our need as coaches to “scratch where it itches.” I shared this concept because, too often, what we have to say is not relevant to the hearer. And just like scratching where it doesn’t itch proves to be irritating, so it is with providing answers to questions no one is asking.

Wisdom requires we know our audience well enough to provide them with what they need in a manner that allows them to hear the message. Jesus was a master communicator because He would share His wisdom using varied methods. Aware of

what the scribes and Pharisees had taught people, Jesus used His audience’s current understanding by referencing things that He knew His audience would recognize. He would then provide greater insight or give a new twist on its application.

“You have heard that it was said . . . but I say to you . . .” Jesus took what they knew with their heads and applied it to their hearts. The commandment “don’t murder” resulted from anger, and anger separates us from both man and God; settle a dispute quickly while you have some control over the outcome.

Sexual lust is the source of adultery, and sin is so serious that you need to “cut it out of your life” if it prevents you from receiving God’s Kingdom.

11

Marriage is a sacred bond and dissolution has significant consequences. Just be a trustworthy person by letting “your yes be yes, and your no be no.” Hold on lightly to your possessions and your sense of fairness by coping a different attitude as a follower of Jesus. Love everybody! Including your enemies, the evil, the unjust, the unlovable, those who don’t love you, and the unkind . . . love all so that you might be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect.

Now let’s admit it. When someone we respect starts getting that personal and addresses a value system antithetical to the current culture, tongues will begin to wag. Then watch the spontaneous communication.

Mode of Communication Another opportunity for miscommunication is that our method for passing along our knowledge may be wanting. It is the rare individual who resonates with Dragnet’s Officer Joe Friday’s “the facts, ma’am, just the facts.” Now, facts and context are important, so I in no way want to minimize

12

their importance. When wanting to communicate information that has an impact, however, the use of story is an excellent choice. Jesus used the power of story through parables—simple, short stories with a moral or religious lesson. Yet, why stories?

Storytelling is an art that allows the listener to put themselves into the story and identify with a character or characters, thus granting the listener a window into seeing possible applications for themselves. Stories, especially well-told stories, tend to engage the imagination as well as the emotions. Brain scanning and research indicate that memories with a feeling attached tend to impact beliefs, behaviors, and desires. Therefore, use as many stories as needed to make the relevant point you want the audience to leave with when they walk away.

Make Them Feel Something Not to put too fine a point on this, but it has been said (usually attributed to Maya Angelou), “I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will

never forget how you made them feel.” I mostly agree with these sentiments. However, I have regrettably taken this “feeling“ sentiment too far. I made the communication about me. I wanted the audience to like me or enjoy my presentation style.

I put presentation over communication. As long as the audience laughed at my jokes and became enthralled with my storytelling, I was a success, right? Wrong! I was disappointed to discover that a higher-than-wanted percentage of participants had not learned or taken away what I had hoped. Too often, I would hear, “It was hilarious,” or “I loved that story about . . .” It was then I recognized that all I had done was entertain my audience when my goal was to convey Truth. And that’s the crux of it—how and what to communicate. I cannot answer that for you, but here is all I have.

Based on these lessons, maybe communication isn’t nearly as complicated or challenging as we first imagined. At the core of effective and powerful communication are found the keys that make it all work. Speak Truth, and Love your audience. And Love never fails!

The ultimate goal, through word or deed, is to communicate Truth. Communicating Truth will always lead us back to communicating Jesus, who is both Truth and Love incarnate.

Rolfe Carawan, MEd, is the President of LifeMatters Ministries, which focuses on discipleship, Biblical principles, and tackling the relevant issues of our times, as well as the co-founder of Carawan Global Group. Inspired by his passion to relieve suffering and release potential, Rolfe brings his real-world experience and strategies to leaders in a variety of industries. Known for his contagious enthusiasm, his coaching draws out the best in others, igniting a renewal of energy, engagement, and productivity to successfully transition people through change, transforming human behavior, building unified teams, and overcoming generational gaps. His winning strategies have been developed over 30 years of successfully coaching, training, and motivating people. Speaking to organizations ranging from Fortune 500s and high-tech companies to healthcare and nonprofits, Rolfe has spoken to nearly a million people throughout America, as well as audiences on four continents. He is an author (Profiles in Character and Character Revolution), teacher, coach, trained counselor, and uses experiential learning methods to create a committed workforce, raise employee morale, effectively implement change initiatives, and strengthen communication. Rolfe is passionately committed to discipleship and helping people through the process of creating lasting change. He has worked and volunteered his services in Brazil, Ghana, Israel, Ukraine, Russia, Canada, and Mexico. He is currently on the Board of Reference for the International Christian Coaching Institute (ICCI) and is a Certified Transformed Living Coach Trainer. See more at www.transformedliving.org.

13

Let’s Talk About Social Media

by Abbey Steffey

D

on’t be afraid. We aren’t going to dive into Elon Musk buying the Internet or something.

I am just here to offer a few simple pointers when it comes to the world of social media.

equate to relevance and credibility. However, there are some exceptions to this. Using certain social platforms or approaches may feel like trying to fit a square peg into a round hole for you and your business.

The Ubiquity of Social Media

Social media is a tool, and it can be effective—and easy! —if you remember a few simple tips.

Don’t underestimate social media—it’s where we look for people and find business reviews, and it can even be a Google substitute. If you’ve never looked up a recipe on TikTok, you’re missing out. Having a strong social media presence can 14

Find Your Audience If your audience is primarily teenagers, Instagram and TikTok may be your platform. If it’s women

Having a strong social media presence can equate to relevance and credibility.

aged 40+, Facebook may be your sweet spot. I implore you to ask your likeminded friends, colleagues, and clients where they spend most of their time while on their phones.

Engage with Your Audience Your audience is your biggest asset. Asking your audience questions on social media and dialoguing with them in the comments or in your messages will add to your overall approachability and credibility as a coach.

Use Your Resources There are a few resources I consider non-negotiable when trying to grow or foster your social media presence.

• Sprout Social (or a similar content planning app) Sprout Social allows you to connect your social media profiles and schedule content months in advance. This can help free up precious time 15

in your busy day-to-day life. Consider what I like to call “batch scheduling” content. Make a plan for what content you want to highlight in a month, map it out, and schedule posts accordingly. Set it and forget it! Just don’t forget to monitor incoming comments and messages.

Sprout Social has a myriad of helpful features.

One of my favorites aside from content scheduling is the reports feature. Sprout can generate reports for each of your social profiles that highlight their performance and growth over any amount of time. This helps illustrate what is working on your socials and what to nix.

Some other platforms similar to Sprout Social include Planoly and Hootsuite. Many of these platforms have free trials so you can get a feel for what works best for you and/or your business.

• Meta (née Facebook) Business Suite Here, you can connect your Facebook (now Meta) and Instagram business profiles and look at your page insights. You can schedule posts in advance here as well. (Note: If you only have

16

“personal” profiles, you won’t be able to access this feature. I encourage you to switch your profiles to business profiles if you are able.)

In this space, you can respond to comments and messages, flag them for follow-up, and/or assign them to other members of your team. Even if you don’t have a team, flagging things for later still helps manage priorities.

• Canva Canva is something I use every day. It is the simplest graphic design software (and hear me, I am no graphic designer).

It’s incredibly user-friendly and has lots of templates ready to be customized for any kind of social media collateral—Instagram stories, Facebook posts, social media banners, logos, and more.

• Don’t be afraid to outsource There are plenty of college students hungry for freelance work to beef up their resumes. I was that college student once upon a time.

Utilize a journalism major for copywriting for your website or socials, a graphic design major (proficient in Canva, perhaps) for graphics requests, a marketing/digital media/ communications major for social media assistance, etc.

Some Encouragement While social media can be daunting, there’s room for everyone, and I promise, there’s a place in cyberspace for you and your business. Find your niche, find your audience, and camp out there.

Take it slow. Don’t expect your following to grow overnight. As with anything worthwhile, patience and consistency are key.

make you feel small. Be selective and intentional with whom you choose to fill your feed. What you consume on a daily basis and how it makes you feel is important.

We’re praying God blesses your coaching endeavors richly. As the Social Media Manager for ICCI, I feel like part of my responsibility in this role is to offer any support I can to our members, especially in my area of expertise.

Lastly, ICCI Members, come say “Hi” in our private Facebook group, Coach Connect! (Join here.) This is a safe space for networking, asking questions, offering support, and making friends. We’d love to see you there!

If you find yourself getting caught up in the social media comparison game, I give you permission to hit the “mute” button on any/all accounts that

Abbey Steffey, MA, is the Social Media Manager for ICCI and Hope for the Heart, overseeing multiple social media channels across various platforms. She has helped establish and grow ICCI’s reach through effective social media strategies and engaging content creation. She earned her BA in Corporate Communication and MA in Organizational Communication from Baylor University. Abbey is passionate about dogs, queso, Gilmore Girls, and helping people find hope in God’s Word.

17

Our words can be life changing by pointing people to the truth; if we are not careful, however, they can be damaging.

Writing with Clarity, Compassion, and Excellence

by Emily Fraige

W

hether spoken or written, good communication requires effort. As Christians, we should highly value good communication because God chose to speak to us through His Word, the Bible. Jesus Christ is the living embodiment of the Word of God: “In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God . . . And the Word became flesh and dwelt among us” (John 1:1, 14a ESV).

18

We look to Christ as our model. He communicated to the people He helped and healed with clarity, compassion, and excellence. In the field of peoplehelping, our words are incredibly important. They can be life changing by pointing people to the truth; if we are not careful, however, they can be damaging. With written communication, we want to be cautious and precise because we usually don’t get a second chance to explain what we wrote.

Here are some helpful guidelines for improving your written communication.

Less Can Be More Know your message. Decide on the one thing you want your audience to gain from your writing. When you are certain of what you want to communicate, you can be clearer and more concise. Focusing on one specific takeaway will help eliminate phrases or entire sections that do not contribute to your overall aim.

You can use less words and still have more substance by using strong verbs and vivid adjectives that have the meaning you intend. For example: “There are many opportunities at our ministry event for you to get better at techniques you use in coaching.”

This statement can be strengthened: “Our ministry event provides diverse opportunities to improve your coaching techniques.”

For your work emails, brevity is your friend.

People are much more likely to read an email in full and respond to it—and respond more quickly— if the email is brief. (One study shows that emails with 75–100 words had the best response rate.) [1] For blogs, the same principle holds. Blogs allow you to adopt a casual, conversational style, yet you still need to stay on topic. Today, people tend to read on their mobile devices, and they will only scroll down a few times before they lose interest or motivation to keep reading. Get to your point and be engaging so your audience wants to continue scrolling.

In business correspondence, be organized and concise. Begin your first paragraph with your main point and best arguments. Even if readers don’t finish the letter, at least they read what is most important to you. In persuasive writing, you

only have a few moments to grab your audience’s attention and pull at their heartstrings. Convey what is most meaningful to you succinctly, rather than sharing a long list of reasons.

In articles or other professional pieces, avoid using jargon your audience might not understand, unless you clearly define your terms. Resist the temptation to fill your work with complicated lingo.

Keep in mind the adage, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Show how much you care for people in the way you approach your topic rather than showing off how much you know.

Be Relevant and “Tone Aware” Know your audience. Research the topics and questions most relevant to your audience and write about those issues. Value others’ time by composing something worth their consideration.

In addition to being relevant, provide practical applications at the end of your article or blog to give your audience immediate ways to utilize your advice in their daily life or ministry.

Close your business letters with a call to action.

Do you want readers to RSVP? Donate money?

Attend a professional development training? Let readers know how they can be part of what you are presenting, and prompt them to do so. In a cover letter, learn about the company or ministry’s mission statement and core values, and connect them with your passions. Describe your skills, experience, and education that is most relevant to this company or ministry where you want to work.

Another aspect of knowing your audience is being aware of your tone. Even if you have hard truths to share, choose words that don’t sound harsh or condescending. Readers will not have the benefit of hearing your voice with your intended inflection, so your word choice must do the work for you. You could write, “It is vital for you to stop making the 19

same mistakes!” You could instead say, “Learning how not to repeat past mistakes is essential to your progress.”

With emails especially, be aware of your tone. You may think your email was clear and efficient, but others may perceive it as abrupt and unfeeling.

Read your emails out loud before you send them and consider how others might hear your words.

Remove sarcasm (unless the recipient knows you well). Be brief, yet not so brief that people feel you have ignored their feelings. Include something encouraging and positive if appropriate. Also, don’t send emails when you are angry. Take a moment to cool down, perhaps say a quick prayer, and then send the message.

Attention to Detail Matters Know the rules. If your writing contains simple mistakes, you may sound less professional. More importantly, your typos could be seen as a lack of attention to detail. As a people-helper, you want to

20

be detail-oriented as you care for people and listen well to them. One exception where rules can be broken—such as starting sentences with “and” or “but”—is in a blog. Try not to overdo it, and have a reason for breaking a rule (e.g., for emphasis, a lighter tone, etc.).

Here are some common grammatical mistakes to avoid: • Contraction Confusion Know when to use “there” vs. “they’re” and “your” vs. “you’re” and “it’s” vs. “its.” Reread the sentence to check if you meant “they are” or “you are” or “it is.” The words “your” and “its” are possessive, while “there” generally refers to a location.

• Inconsistent Pronouns Beware switching from second to third person pronouns mid-sentence: “As Christians, we should be willing to love your enemies.” Make

sure your audience knows who “we” includes.

Are you talking about all Christians or just Christian coaches? Are you only referring to yourself and your spouse or your team? Be clear.

Use “who” when the pronoun is the subject of the verb and “whom” when it is the object or in a prepositional phrase. Here is a tip: Replace “who” or “whom” with “he” or “him” and see which fits. If “he” works, you need “who.” If “him” sounds correct, you need “whom.” Use “who” when referring to a person and “that” when referring to an object.

Incorrect: “Coaches are the ones that help clients move forward when they are stuck.”

Correct: “Coaches are the ones who help clients move forward when they are stuck.”

• Punctuation Problems Commas cannot separate complete sentences (without the help of a conjunction); that is a job for a semicolon. Commas set off phrases that are not necessary, but helpful, to the sentence.

Commas also separate dependent clauses from the main independent clause. Here is an example: “When coaching others, you need to be compassionate and, most importantly, trustworthy.” Have someone else read your writing to see if you might be using too many commas or too few.

As followers of Christ, we want to seek excellence in all we do and say, glorifying God with our efforts (1 Corinthians 10:31; Titus 2:7–8). Excellence in our writing will demonstrate our commitment to hard work and integrity.

Writing to Change Lives Writing can be an opportunity for you to connect with others and make a difference in their lives.

Scripture warns us not to underestimate the potential impact of our words: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue” (Proverbs 18:21a ESV).

View each opportunity you have for writing not as something to dread but as something to enjoy—a chance to offer life-giving words to those who need them.

[1] https://www.drip.com/blog/ideal-email-length

Emily Fraige, MA, is a writer and editor with ICCI and Hope for the Heart. She helps to develop resources for the ICCI courses, contributes to quarterly publications, and edits a variety of materials for the ministry. Prior to working with ICCI, she served with the student ministry at Prestonwood Baptist Church where she helped to create devotionals and small-group curriculum for students. She earned her Bachelor of Arts degree in English from Biola University and Master of Arts in Biblical Exegesis and Linguistics from Dallas Theological Seminary. Emily is passionate about helping people interpret God’s Word accurately and apply it to their lives. She is married to Jorge, a pastor, and enjoys serving with him at their church.

21

LIFE RECOVERY TODAY

by Steve Arterburn, MEd

God does not honor peacekeepers. God honors peacemakers.

Conflict Resolution in Recovery Pour, Don’t Stir

W

hen it comes to conflict, as far as I can count, there are three options available: Avoiding Conflict, Stirring Up Conflict, and Resolving Conflict. I personally struggle not to take the unhealthy option of avoiding conflict. I have too frequently acquiesced to keep the peace and move on. This path of least resistance that recovering people-pleasers like myself often take, appears to be so nice and godly. Yet, God does not honor peacekeepers. God honors peacemakers, and sometimes you must disturb the peace to make peace. It is not God-honoring nor is it relationship-building, because choosing this path of least resistance prevents two people from being 22

fully engaged and known. As a result, nothing is resolved, and the benefits of conflict resolution are never realized. The people-pleasing, peacekeeping, avoidant option to conflict is a diagnostic of a codependent, superficial or worse, a dictatordoormat relationship that a good coach would probe, in hopes of a transformed relationship.

The other unhealthy option is the opposite of avoiding conflict—stirring up conflict where none existed. The Bible has many verses about people who stir up conflict. A person who is angry or greedy or full of hatred or a liar or hot-tempered, are all on the biblical list of conflict stirrers. It is not an exhaustive list, though it indicates that conflict “stirrage” comes in a variety of forms, from

unique people with a plethora of unresolved issues.

On the list of those you coach, there might be a mother- or father-in-law, father, mother, and today, increasingly, adult children are at the top of the list. Obviously, someone you are helping might be on the top of the list of one or more people who are counting on you to be a great coach who initiates some change for the better. They hope stirring up conflict is a way of coping, surviving, and distracting themselves and others would stop. As a coach, we have an opportunity to help someone see the problem and take steps to resolve whatever is perpetuating the need to stir up trouble, increase separation, and solidify control with constant conflict.

Avoiding or stirring up conflict in a relationship is quite different than pouring love into the one you vowed to love. Love pouring requires a different focus than either creating or avoiding conflict. The challenge for a coach is to assist in seeing their unhealthy approach and understand the benefits of appropriate conflict management and resolution.

This is especially difficult as a Life Recovery Coach because the flow of love has been damaged so badly from whatever problem got out of control.

Additionally, couples get stuck in a pattern or a path where the addiction or the compulsive behavior becomes the focus of all conflict. It is a worthy goal to help them move from the unhealthy ways of dealing with conflict to desiring to pour love into each other.

The Pros and Cons of Conflict Resolving conflict is especially difficult for the recovering person who is used to running from it or finds relief in creating it. For the codependent pleasers like me, it is difficult to finally realize avoidance and acquiescence is as damaging as stirring it up or not playing fair during the conflict.

A new awareness of conflict dynamics can lead to an increased ability to see the pros and benefits

well-handled conflict produces. The courage to walk into the pain or discomfort produces character. Honestly sharing thoughts and feelings creates presence and engagement. Willingness to listen, hear, and understand the other person creates deeper and authentic connection. When someone can see and accept healthy conflict options, the coaching challenge is then assisting the movement from knowledge to transformational action.

Coaching For a Different Result It is difficult for a coach to inspire or motivate someone to stop their destructive reaction to conflict. Perhaps there are some recovery concepts and biblical principles that can help. First, there is the biblical principal of, “in as much as it is up to me.” We can bring up this concept and simply ask the question, “Given all of the unfairness or the denial of your spouse, I know it is difficult, but based on this biblical principal, is there anything that comes to mind you would be willing to do differently, no matter what the other person chooses to do when a tough issue comes up?” The question is followed by exploring some options such as listening, hearing, and trying to see it from a different perspective.

Add to the biblical perspective a look at the recovery concept of staying on “my side of the street.” Explore where it is not just a matter of disagreement, but an encroachment onto the territory of the other person. The desire to change, control or even cure another is easy for anyone to fall into. Conflict abounds when a recovering person goes from personally working the steps to working the steps of another. Faulting the other is at the heart of so much conflict, both in and out of recovery. The crosswalk to the other side is paved with criticism, complaint, and projection. Helping someone see where these common errors lead to disruption into conflict and the destruction of 23

both connection and healthy recovery is a noble outcome of great coaching. Naturally, the coaching challenge is providing guidance on how to turn around the focus and step back onto this side of the curb.

This approach can fall under the category of taking inventory or deepening and refining the ongoing inventory necessary for ongoing recovery. Recovery demands a constant state or return to humility.

Humble willingness opens the option of examining our own actions and reactions. Then, when we find that we are at fault, we stay current by promptly admitting it. A great coach finds the entry points where these questions and explorations create the least defensive reactions and the greatest hope for acceptance of a new and better way to experience conflict and resolve it for the good of the client and the relationship.

Stephen Arterburn, MEd, is the Founder and Chairman of New Life Ministries, the Founder of Women of Faith conferences (attended by over five million people), and host of the #1 nationally syndicated Christian counseling talk show, “New Life Live,” heard by two million people each weekday on 200 radio stations nationwide. As a nationally and internationally known public speaker, he has been featured in national media venues such as Oprah, Inside Edition, Good Morning America, CNN Live, The New York Times, USA Today, US News & World Report, ABC World News Tonight, along with GQ and Rolling Stone magazines. Steve is also an inductee to the National Speakers Association Hall of Fame and a best-selling author of books such as Every Man’s Battle, Healing Is a Choice, Toxic Faith, Walking Into Walls, and his latest books, the Arterburn Wellness Series, and more. With over 11 million books in print, he has been writing about God’s transformational truth since 1984. Along with Dr. David Stoop, he edited and produced the award-winning Life Recovery Bible, which is on exhibit at The Museum of the Bible in Washington, DC. His ministry endeavors focus on identifying and compassionately responding to the needs of those seeking healing and restoration through God’s truth. Steve currently serves as the Teaching Pastor at Northview Church in Carmel, Indiana, where he resides with his family. See more at: www.newlife.com

24

ETHICS FOR LIFE AND BUSINESS

by Stephen D. Lentz, Esq

Having an ongoing relationship with an attorney can be one of the best moves a person can make for the sake of their family, business, and sanity.

Pay Me Now . . . Pay Me Later!

“Dos and Don’ts” of Legal Communication

T

he thought of contacting an attorney, let alone disclosing confidential information to an attorney, can bring angst even to the strongest personality. In the litigious and complex legal world we all live in, however, having an ongoing relationship with an attorney can be one of the best moves a person can make for the sake of their family, business, and sanity.

After practicing law for almost 50 years, several overriding principles come to mind when asked to list some tips for communicating with an attorney.

I am going to list them in no special order, and I hope they can help encourage you to actively pursue a good working relationship with legal counsel.

Tip #1: Communicate early! Bring legal counsel into your contemplated transaction as early as possible.

The fact of the matter is that it is immeasurably less expensive to consult with an attorney at the beginning of a proposed transaction than after the “horse has left the barn.” We have had many 25

difficult discussions with clients who have tried to save a few pennies by attempting to negotiate an important legal moment in a vacuum, without legal advice. This can be similar to “the inmates running the asylum.” By the time we get involved, representations have been made and rights have been affected that require twice as much work to unwind than if we had been involved at the outset. Let me give you an example from the entertainment world: My “prospective client” is a musician. He has written music and lyrics to a song. It is 90% completed, and just needs to be “tweaked” a little.

He decides to ask a few of his buddies to join him at the studio to finish the song. He and his two friends go into the studio. During the session one of his friends adds a bridge, and another adds a few new notes to the melody. They have no agreement.

When they began the session, my “client” owned 100% of the work. When they leave the studio, now all three have rights to this song. If my “client” had come to me at the outset, I could have provided him with a simple agreement that would have preserved his rights as the sole owner of the work.

Now, he possibly has three owners of his music and will have to work out the arrangement with his “friends.”

Tip #2: Avoid the “cut and paste” mentality.

The internet is really an amazing tool for all of us. When I was in law school, I had to go to the law library and scour the multitude of volumes of state and federal codes and cases to find out the answers to many legal problems. Now, I can bring up libraries from every state and jurisdiction at my desk and find my answers. Amazing!

However, that same availability exists for accessing and downloading important legal documents.

There are many services the average person can 26

access online. You can start a company “online.”

You can form partnerships “online.” You can order wills “online.” Great? Not necessarily. The problem is you really don’t know what you have just done!

What you have ordered may not be wrong, but it may not be “right.” Downloading a legal form without any idea of what’s in it or in many cases what’s not in it, can begin a process that could lead to a nightmare of unintended consequences.

Pay me now . . . or pay me later! Beginning a corporation or ministry or partnership with good legal counsel will, in almost every instance, save you thousands of dollars in legal fees on the back end. Don’t rely on downloading legal templates.

Every word on every page has legal consequences.

You need to know what you are signing and its consequences!

Tip #3: Get everything in writing.

In the Christian world, I have met so many disgruntled and disappointed clients who have started a venture in good faith with a friend, yet have failed to put things in writing. The end has not been pretty. “We are both Christians, we trust each other!” “Trust me, we are brothers.” I wish that really worked, but in many cases, shrewd businesspeople can actually use our common faith against us. We “let our guard down” and reject the solid legal principle of reducing everything to writing. It’s not really about trust—it is just good business. It is amazing to see the reactions of the parties when they see their agreement reduced to writing. “I didn’t mean that!” is a common response when my clients see the agreement in written terms. Not only does a written agreement help to identify and confirm the understanding of the parties and clarify any ambiguities, but it also preserves the record for third parties who might come along later and need to understand what the agreement was between the parties.

Tip #4: Communicate honestly and don’t hold back from your attorney.

We live in an uncertain world. Just turning on the nightly news confirms how fragile life is. We might not be here to explain the deal personally. God always thinks generationally. He sees Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. We need to think the same way and provide a clear path for the colleagues, friends, and family who come after us. Reducing our wishes to writing, both corporately and in our estate plans, is essential to be good businesspeople and responsible stewards of what God has put on our hearts and given to us.

When you engage an attorney, there is a wonderful concept called “Attorney-Client Privilege.” An attorney cannot divulge information you share with him/her—it is “privileged.” Sometimes, clients hold back information I need to be able to help them. It can be from embarrassment for doing something they regret. It can be out of a lack of trust. Whatever the reason, there is no way your legal counsel can help you without full disclosure of your facts. If there was ever a time for you to share everything that pertains to your case, it is with your attorney. There is nothing worse than your attorney being surprised by material information that has been withheld by a client that could impact the negotiation process or the legal representation on your behalf. If you are withholding information from your attorney because of a lack of trust, get another attorney whom you do trust. In this case, clients can be their own worst enemy. Sending your attorney into the arena with partial information is a formula for disaster for you as the client.

Stephen D. Lentz, Esq, is a co-founder of Anchor Legal Group, PLLC, the former President of Middle East Television, and the former Senior Vice President of Worldwide Sales for International Family Entertainment. Mr. Lentz has served as an adjunct professor at Regent University School of Law and the Graduate School of Communications, and serves clients in the areas of corporate formation, complex business transactions, entertainment law, intellectual property, non-profit law, and foundation and church/ministry representation. He is also an author and speaker, including: Bulletproof: Business Protection Strategies from a War Zone and The Business of Church: The Concise Business Handbook for Pastors and a leadership book based on the life and leadership of H.J. Heinz, It Was Never About the Ketchup! Mr. Lentz is recognized as one of the top five “Church Law Authorities” in the U.S. representing denominations and churches in all 50 states and every province in Canada. He and his wife, Cathy, live in Virginia Beach, VA, have four children, and seven grandchildren. See more at stephendlentz.com

27

LEADEREQ

by Curtis Hail, MABS, CPA (ret)

When we put ourselves in the shoes of the audience member . . . we stand a much better chance of meeting their needs.

Communicating Coach-to-Coach Step One: Know Thy Coach

C

ommunicating with other Life Coaches equates to one leader communicating to another leader: Leader-to-Leader. In so doing, we may ask the same typical questions of communication in any context, while expecting different answers for this special audience. The following offers questions to help you “know thy audience” or, in this case, “know thy coach.”

Several tools are also recommended to assist gaining a better understanding of the Life Coach in addition to addressing the first of three paramount questions typically asked of any audience.

Through better understanding of the coach, your communication will be more directed, thereby 28

providing lasting dividends for them and their clients. When we put ourselves in the shoes of the audience member—the coach, the leader or the client—we stand a much better chance of meeting their needs by imparting to them what they need most in a way that helps them retain and use it best.

Most Master Life Coaches have their own, or adopted, system of instruction they prefer taking others through, which often leads to some form of certification. The following guide to communication does not replace other programs or usurp any training regimens. These principles and resources can be used in an array of circumstances and at various times throughout a coaching relationship or its related program of

instruction. Introductory or background sessions, times of solving roadblocks or general mentoring interactions offer opportunities to deploy these communication principles and resources.

Though this column focuses on the first question concerning understanding your audience, bear in mind its context by considering the three typical questions often asked before addressing any audience—be it an audience of one or 1,000: 1. Who is your audience—who are they, really? (Know Thy Coach!)

2. What do they need? What are they asking?

3. What should they take away or go do, based on their expressed need?

Having been mindful of these questions entering a conversation with another coach, we can do our part while trusting the Holy Spirit to lead us into increasingly helpful and edifying interactions that make the most practical impact on that coach, as well as eternal impact for the Kingdom. The intentionality of our approach also helps us avoid falling into the rut of simply telling people what we want them to hear rather than us meeting their needs where they need the greatest help at the time.

Much of the content I’ve shared derives from three decades of coaching by leading executive mentor and corporate consultant, Bobb Biehl. His resources referenced below in the article reside at www.bobbbiehl.com/tools. His input, combined with our nearly four decades of experience leading global cross-cultural organizations, results in many years spent on both the receiving and giving sides of the table in coaching and mentoring relationships. Being both the beneficiary of excellent modeling while at the same time being an active practitioner guiding scores of other emerging leaders provides understanding how to communicate leader-to-leader and, in this case, coach-to-coach.

Know Thy Coach! (Knowing Your Audience) Different coaching relationships offer varying opportunities to “go deep” with the other leader.

Some engagements do not afford the time or circumstances to dig too deeply or build a strong understanding of the other person. However, as time and circumstances allow, typically we desire to understand the other coach or client as thoroughly as possible. To the extent practical, seek to understand the background of the other person, identifying as thoroughly as possible how they are wired, with their resulting strengths and weaknesses. The goal is to help them maximize their life for God’s glory.

Of course, many popular batteries of tests and tools exist in the marketplace today to help coaches identify personality or relationship strengths, or to help unlock gift sets—natural or spiritual. Most coaches likely already use some of these readily available systems such as the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator or DiSC Assessment in their coaching practice, so those familiar assessment tools need not be re-examined here, though their use is highly encouraged. Instead, the remaining sections focus on less formal approaches and lesser-known tools helpful to knowing and growing others in a coach, mentor, or client relationship.

29

Understanding the Coach’s Background An interesting facet of people’s backgrounds involves the comfort zones and default settings they develop in childhood at particularly formative times. Biehl asserts that the fourth grade is the most critically formative year of life. Specifically, it is age nine, although most people find it easier to recall life in and around the fourth grade of school—where they lived, where they went to school, how they interacted on the playground or with neighborhood friends, what positions they played in sports, if any, how they related to their parents and siblings, if they felt secure or insecure growing up, etc.

From such background information you—and they—can begin to formulate a profile revealing what style leadership they default to and the natural roles they feel most comfort filling. Were they a star player, a captain or maybe enjoyed being a strong player? Whichever role found to be natural at that age is predictive of what “skin they are most comfortable in” and role most effective at as an adult (Biehl: 4th GRADE(R)).

Understanding How the Coach is Wired Understanding the coach’s background can increasingly help reveal how the coach or client is “wired.” If they felt unloved in childhood, they may seek to be loved unconditionally as an adult, turning the need to be an enabler into a strength as facilitator. Or if they felt favored as a child, they likely will seek to be admired in adulthood with strengths of persuasion. Some fortunate young people had instilled in them a “sense of destiny” resulting in a quest for significance in adulthood, often as a leader with strengths in visualizing the future.

No one had a perfect background while growing up, and everyone has weaknesses to overcome. Yet everyone has experiences and strengths to build 30

upon, even while outgrowing facets of the past. As coach-to-coach, you need not know everything about the person you are charged to help grow, yet the more you understand them, the better. And the more you help them understand themselves, the better they can apply and use the wisdom, guidance, and training you provide them (Biehl: Why You Do What You Do).

Focus on the Coach’s Strengths Having gained some insight into the coach’s background and resulting wiring, you can begin to focus on building to their areas of greatest strengths. Again, there are a number of strengthfinder tools available in the coaching space. Here, we will address two particular issues that can often lead the Coach to better understand themselves, as well as help others whom they serve. One obstacle to overcome may involve the myth that you must be a hard-charging “goal-setter” to be successful.

Biehl argues that only about 15% of people are goal-setters, while 80% are problem-solvers—and that’s just fine. To determine which you are is very freeing, particularly for the problem-solvers among us. The other five percent? They are “opportunity oriented.” They just have a God-given gift of sensitivity to new areas of opportunity. They see things others who are busy setting goals or solving

problems don’t see. So, identifying the coach’s natural bent helps focus on their strength rather than allowing a persistent feeling of frustration.

It’s okay to be a problem-solver (Biehl: Stop Setting Goals)!

Finally, one oft-overlooked aspect of finding the coach’s or client’s area of greatest strengths is where they fall on the continuum of DesignerDeveloper-Stabilizer. Some people relish coming up with a brand-new idea; a pure artist or Designer doesn’t really care that much if it gets implemented.

They are just motivated by new ideas. A Developer thrives on taking good ideas—theirs or others— and figuring out how to bring them to life all the way through creating the first workable prototypes.

Stabilizers love taking the operating idea or system and refining it over and over to work out all the bugs to reach maximum efficiency.

There are gradations on that scale such as DesignerDevelopers and Developer-Stabilizers. The point is to be aware that helping others find their comfort zone on this continuum can be a key to helping them find the greatest fulfillment in their work and learn to appreciate the strengths and roles of others (Biehl: Team Profile–Self-Scoring Inventory).

Conclusion The goal in a coach-to-coach relationship is to help each other grow to become more like Christ and to maximize the strengths and gifts with which God has endowed us before the beginning of time. That is a high and holy calling worthy of our best efforts.

It all begins with honest, informed, and loving communication. And like agape love, agape communication begins with an effort to understand and appreciate the other party. Not every professional engagement affords the opportunity to go super deep, although an awareness of key issues and an effort to understand as much of them as possible moves us closer to constructive communication that leads to the greatest growth and impact.

Know Thy Coach! Know their background, their wiring, and their areas of greatest strength— making every communication opportunity a potentially transformative experience.

“Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.” (Ephesians 4:29b NLT)

Curtis Hail, MABS, CPA (ret), is the CEO of Hope for the Heart, where he builds upon over 40 years of senior leadership experience with his primary passion to equip and empower leaders committed to transforming lives, families, and communities. He assists emerging global leaders and seasoned high-impact leaders. The former managing partner of a CPA firm and President and CEO of e3 Partners and I Am Second, Curtis leverages his expertise to mentor leaders on organizational effectiveness, mission strategy, and development efforts. He oversaw the growth of e3 Partners from three staff members to a team of over 400, reaching over 12 million people.

I Am Second amassed over 2.5 billion media impressions during his tenure. Curtis is a graduate of the University of Texas—Austin School of Business, Dallas Theological Seminary, and is a PhD candidate at Southwestern Baptist Theological Seminary. Curtis and his wife, Amy, reside in Dallas, Texas, and have three adult children and six grandchildren. See more at: www.hopefortheheart.org.

31

ON MISSION

by Eric Scalise, PhD

Perspective is critical in terms of sending a message and in receiving one.

Perspective and the Messenger There are many forms of communication (e.g., written, oral, visual, digital, video-based, etc.), and on the surface, the “art” of communication sounds like a simple process, yet it can be much more complex, subtle, and nuanced. There are also messages hidden in every communication. Here are a few of them: • The message you intend to convey • The message you verbalize • The message your body language sends • The message others actually hear • The message others understand and interpret from what they hear • The message that may be triggered in their personal memories and emotions 32

Beyond these factors, there also exists the reality of context and meaning, as well as gender and ethnic/ cultural differences. No wonder the Lord gave us two ears with which to listen and only one mouth with which to speak. In Shakespeare’s Hamlet, the character Polonius said, “Give every man thine ear, but few thy voice.” Nevertheless, and even with so many distinctives within what and how we communicate to one another, let’s focus on two additional and significant features: perspective and the actual messenger.

The dictionary defines perspective as “a particular attitude toward something; a point of view; a way of regarding situations or topics; an integrated set of attitudes and beliefs.” It has a Latin root

that speaks to the concept of “looking through” or “perceiving.” I think most would agree then, perspective is critical in terms of sending a message and in receiving one. Yet, what about the messenger, their attitudes, values, and beliefs from which words and actions are birthed?

Are you surprised the list includes some of the most evil despots in human history? Now let’s examine other quotes from these same individuals to better understand what well-known American radio broadcaster, Paul Harvey, used to call “the rest of the story.”

Take a moment and reflect on these interesting quotes . . .

1. “The very first essential for success is a perpetually constant and regular employment of violence.” —Adolf Hitler

1. “I believe today that my conduct is in accordance with the will of the Almighty Creator.”

2. “The differences between friends cannot but reinforce their friendship.”

3. “My mission is to lead the country out of a bad situation of corruption, depression, and slavery.”

4. “It takes less courage to criticize the decisions of others than to stand by your own.”

5. “Ideas are far more powerful than guns.”

6. “I have done everything that I should, but the outcome is in the hands of fortune.”

7. “What I know is that those who risk their lives to earn the pleasure of God are real men.”

8. “An action committed in anger is an action doomed to failure and a leader can never be happy until his people are happy.”

9. “Those who fight in God’s cause will be victorious.”

10. “I never saw a contradiction between the ideas that sustain me and the ideas of that extraordinary figure, Jesus Christ.”

On the surface, most of the quotes sound fairly reasonable, balanced, even “biblical” in some regards. Who would say such things? Let’s pull back the curtain and reveal the identity of the messengers (in the same order): 1) Adolf Hitler; 2) Mao Zedong; 3) Idi Amin; 4) Attila the Hun; 5) Joseph Stalin; 6) Emperor Nero; 7) Osama bin Laden; 8) Genghis Khan; 9) Saddam Hussein; 10) Fidel Castro.

2. “Communism is not love. Communism is a hammer which we use to crush the enemy.”

—Mao Zedong 3. “I consider myself the most powerful figure in the world, and that is why I do not let any superpower control me.” —Idi Amin 4. “It’s not that I succeed, it’s that everyone else has to fail, horribly, preferably in front of their parents.” —Attila the Hun 5. “The easiest way to gain control of the population is to carry out acts of terror. The public will clamor for laws if their personal security is threatened.” —Joseph Stalin 6. “There is no other way of enjoying riches and money than by riotous extravagance.” — Emperor Nero 7. “We love death. The U.S. loves life. That is the difference between us two.” —Osama bin Laden 8. “Man’s highest joy is in victory: to conquer one’s enemies, to pursue them, to deprive them of their possessions, and to make their beloved weep.” —Genghis Khan 9. “Politics is when you say you are going to do one thing while intending to do another. Then you do neither what you said nor what you intended.” —Saddam Hussein 10.“I propose the immediate launching of a nuclear strike on the United States . . . for the cause of the destruction of imperialism and the victory of world revolution.” —Fidel Castro 33

“The Christian life is the lifelong practice of attending to the details of congruence— congruence between ends and means, congruence between what we do and the way we do it, congruence between what is written in Scripture and our living out what is written . . . the congruence of the Word made flesh in Jesus with what is lived in our flesh.” [1] Perspective really does make a difference because it eventually reveals the heart and spirit of both the message and the messenger. The Apostle John said, “They are from the world and therefore speak from the viewpoint of the world, and the world listens to them. We are from God, and whoever knows God listens to us; but whoever is not from God does not listen to us. This is how we recognize the Spirit of truth and the spirit of falsehood” (1 John 4:5–6).

Congruence and Authenticity What about you and me and our calling as Christian Life Coaches, as ministry leaders, and God’s Ambassadors to a lost and dying world?

Authenticity (to be worthy of acceptance and belief) describes the goal of being congruent in all our communication. American theologian and scholar, Eugene Peterson, put it this way:

In a beautiful metaphor found in John 10, Jesus says His sheep hear His voice, and “the sheep follow him because they know his voice. A stranger they simply will not follow, but will flee from him, because they do not know the voice of strangers” (John 10:4–5 NASB). By learning to recognize the true voice of the Lord, we will always discern that of the imposter. On an interesting note, when it comes to identifying counterfeit money, U.S. treasury agents are trained only by studying real currency, not phony bills. If what they are inspecting fails to match what they have been taught to recognize as authentic, they automatically know the bill is counterfeit. What an important principle for staying on mission.

[1] Eugene H. Peterson, As Kingfishers Catch Fire: A Conversation on the Ways of God Formed by the Words of God (New York: Waterbrook, 2017), xviii.

Eric Scalise, PhD, LPC, LMFT, serves as President and Chief Strategy Officer (CSO) with Hope for the Heart. He is also the President of LIV Consulting, LLC, the former Senior Vice President for the American Association of Christian Counselors (AACC), and former Department Chair for Counseling Programs at Regent University in Virginia Beach, VA. Dr. Scalise is a Licensed Professional Counselor and a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist with over 43 years of clinical and professional experience in the mental health, higher education, and organizational consulting fields, as well as having served six years on the Virginia Board of Counseling under two governors.

Specialty areas include professional/ pastoral stress and burnout, combat trauma and PTSD, marriage and family issues, grief and loss, addictions and recovery, leadership development, and lay counselor training. He is a published author (Addictions and Recovery Counseling and Lay Counseling: Equipping Christians for a Helping Ministry), adjunct professor at several Christian universities, conference speaker, and frequently works with organizations, clinicians, ministry leaders, and churches on a variety of issues. As the son of a diplomat, Dr. Scalise was born in Nicosia, Cyprus, and has also lived and traveled extensively around the world. He and his wife Donna have been married for 43 years, have twin sons who are combat veterans serving in the U.S. Marine Corps, and four grandchildren

34

Founder, Hope for the Heart

A 50-topic, 10-volume library with clear answers from God’s Word and concise, practical guidance on life’s challenges Today, more than ever, we need biblical hope and practical help when the challenges of life threaten to overwhelm us. That is the reason for The Care and Counsel Library. This 50-topic, 10-volume set connects current issues and real-life questions with biblical wisdom.

hopefortheheart.org/ccl

35

36