Monday, November 16, 2015
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Top Dogs
nitrous oxide wafting through the air, with enough rubber bands entwined in my mouth to create a second Michelin man. Today’s dental patients are treated to any manner of television shows while under the care of their Orthodontist. I, on the other hand, was subjected to the greatest hits of Bread, Poco and Gordon Lightfoot (truth be told By Chris Campbell I still get the shakes anytime I hear I’ll cut right to the chase. I hate the “Sundown” or “The Wreck of the dentist. Edmund Fitzgerald”). That music combined with the haunting hums of …a lot. the Orthodontists torture chamber and that constant running water Don’t get me wrong – I don’t hate from the miniature toilet bowl lulled people who are dentists. It’s just the me into a stupor from which I could Fourth grade: Dax Foster, Kimberly Gonzalez, Kolin Murphy, Alex Jones institution of dentistry that I despise. hardly emerge. I go for my checkup twice a year Third grade: Michael Clark, Lucas Reese, Kai Hudson, Jackson like a good little boy, but only Oh…and let’s not forget…we PAY Malta because dads are supposed to be a FOR THIS! good example. But the experiences Second grade: Eisley Zolfaghari, Kelton Denham, Preston Reeves, Gage Carr from my childhood have scarred me These memories were coursing deeply. through my mind as the First grade: Javier Torres , Samaire Moss, Jaileigh Murphy, Chris Orthodontist and her financial Torres This past week I took my middle son advisor did a quick assessment of to the dentist. He had to have a my son. They threw out fancy terms Kindergarten: Michael Gonzalez, Brinley Zolfaghari, -Isabel Henley, -Kennedy Garner crown replaced, and then we had a (most of them made up words, a la consultation with an Orthodontist. The Three Stooges), made quizzical faces and cast pained glances at one The Orthodontist walked in the another. Outwardly they were room, extended her hand to showing concern for my son; introduce herself, and instantly I was inwardly, they were debating First Six Weeks Period gripped with fear. My blood ran cold whether they should take the TEN HOLLY CAVENDER, KATIE and my knees buckled. Much like day cruise or buy the red Corvette. 5th Grade Pavlov’s dog I had been conditioned YAIR AYALA, KORIE BOUSE, GROGAN, KRISTON HARRIS to feel terror and utter dread when in The Orthodontist thanked me for my TATUM HARTSFIELD JENTRIE DOTY, AUSTIN the presence of an Orthodontist. time and then escorted me to another JESSICA MCADAMS, MASON room where I was given a rundown HALEY, DANIELLE, As a young boy I was an of the prospective bill. MOREAU HARGROVE, RYAN HOUGH, Orthodontist's dream. My It’s at that moment that my memory Photo by Loretta Anderson AUDIE MARTIN, OLIVIA Orthodontist sent three kids to Ivy goes foggy. I remember waking up League colleges from my mouth and seeing my son sitting off to my MORRIS, JANNA NITCHMAN 8th Grade alone! I had a set of front teeth that right as I was muttering the phrase TREY PHILLIPS, TEAGAN beavers dreamed about. My overbite “second mortgage, second mortgage, STUBBLEFIELD, EMMA CASSIDY ANDERSON, BAILEY was the inspiration for the board second mortgage.” Noah was SUTHERLAND BOND, PAETYN FORD, LANE game “Hungry Hungry Hippos.” I shaking his head – much the way GRIFFIN, JENNA HONORE, was granted honorary citizenship to my children do whenever I attempt the nation of Great Britain based some sort of athletic feat. The KYLIE HOPPER, ZANE HUGHES 6th Grade solely on my teeth. financial representative asked me if VALERIE LANGFORD, EMORY RHOTEN, AVERY was okay…but I could only stare AMANDA MILLER, KACIE SNAPP, ELIJAH WILSON And while I will be forever indebted blankly at nod my head. As Noah MORGAN, JAMIE TAYLOR, to my parents and the execution, uh, and I rose to leave, I could faintly I mean Orthodontist they found for hear in the distance: RILEY UNDERWOOD, 7th Grade me. I will also be forever tortured of MICAELA WADE, ASHLYN the things I endured. “The legend lives on from the Chippewa on down of the big lake JACKSON ADKINS, MARISSA WAHRMUND, JACKSON Hours upon hours of my mouth wide they call Gitche Gumee…” AGEE, ALEXANDRA BLOUNT WILSON, MOLLY WILSON open with the aroma of cement and
CORRECTION: A-HONOR ROLL
