Remember that parenting, especially adoptive parenting should be first and foremost about maintaining a relationship with your child that continuously reminds them that they belong, that they are loved, and that they are worthy of love for the rest of their life.
Manage your own emotions regarding their birth family.
Talk openly about their birth family.
Give them the information they need. If you don’t have specifics, at least give them facts.
Never lie; choose words that match their cognitive, developmental, & emotional level.
Continue to express compassion for birth parents while validating their feelings.
Point out similarities between you and them, and between them and their birth family.
Pick your battles! Setting limits should be focused on safety, not on who is in control. WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Empower them! Remind your child to make choices for themselves and that they do not have to follow the same path as their birth parents, or you for that matter.
Give them a voice in decisions. Let them make some decisions, even if they’re not the decisions you would have made.
Provide them with social connections to other teens who have been adopted.
Engage with them in academic, social, and culturally appropriate activities reguarly.
Incorporate playfulness – tell a joke a day, play catch, a video game–forget the rules, just play for fun.
Build connection by participating in activities that they enjoy; ask what they want to do!
Use an “It’s us against the problem approach” when issues arise.
If you reside in Kent or Sussex County, contact Celeste Bishop at cbishop@abcfoc.org.
If you reside in New Castle County, contact Katie Quirico at kquirico@abcfoc.org.
An Insider’s Guide
Dear Parents and Caregivers,
We are excited to share with you our new Insider’s Guide to understanding developmental stages in permanency. It was created to provide you with guidance, resources, and quick tips specific to the ages of your children. The realities of caring for any child can change year to year (if not day to day!). This is especially true for children like yours whose stories include separation from their birth parents and a difficult early history. As they grow, new challenges arise. Sometimes, problems surface due to developmental or capacity issues previously unidentified and unanticipated. Other times, troubles are due to new questions your child has about their story. A child’s perspective and understanding of their story changes at different developmental stages. Therefore, we will be sending you this Insider’s Guide each time your child enters a new age range. We hope that this guidance will assist you in navigating the challenges as they arise.
Although every guardianship, permanent guardianship, and adoption journey is different, there is one constant – caregivers need connection and support! We wanted to take this chance to remind you about postpermanency services that are available to you here in Delaware. We encourage you to connect to these services as often as possible, even if no major challenges have arisen just yet. When you’re familiar with the supports and have already built connections, it is easier to reach out when you need to. Staff members at each of the agencies included below, are available whenever issues arise for your family. In addition to individualized support, regularly scheduled trainings and support groups are available. These services are available at no cost to any family that has adopted a child or received guardianship or permanent guardianship of a child.
We firmly believe that all families do better when they are supported and that this is especially true for families that have been uniquely created. Support is just a phone call away! We hope to hear from you because we are here for you.
● Parent Coaching ● School Advocacy ● Sibling Supports ● Rec-n-Respite Program ● Adoption Subsidy Assistance ● Navigating Birth Family Relationships ● Recommendations for Therapeutic Services
By Celeste Bishop
Whether it’s early, middle, or late adolescence, these years can be incredibly challenging. Some challenges are related to stages of development and some are inherent to adoption. Regardless of the origin, the struggle is real, for both the teen and their parents. We hear from parents all the time who are wondering “Who is this kid, and why are they acting this way?” For a child who was adopted, adolescence is more complicated as a result of their life’s journey, coupled with confusing questions about their identity, and their sense of self. They show us they’re struggling through their mood, temperament, and behavior. Sometimes, we don’t make the connection between what we’re seeing from our teen and the fact that being adopted can make adolescence even more challenging. Your child is in this phase now, so what can you expect? What should you look for? How can you help your child (and yourself) make it to the next stage without losing sleep, or most importantly, without damaging the relationship you’ve worked so hard to build with your child?
It is the nature of all adolescents, adopted or not, to question everyone and everything!
Understanding this concept is the first step to solving the mystery of adolescent behavior. The second step is appreciating the incredible amount of stress and number of challenges all teenagers face. Dramatic changes are happening in the teen’s brain during this time. We have to remember that the brain isn’t fully matured (hasn’t stopped growing), until around the age of twenty-five. While this growth is occurring, the adolescent experiences confusion, moodiness, and fear of the unknown. At the same time, we see an increase in risk-taking behaviors and a decrease in impulse control. They are making more independent decisions, but not always good ones! They are drawn to experiences that are novel and exciting, those that will offer the highest and most intense reward. Anxiety and depression are prevalent among teenagers, regardless of their story of origin. The number of teens using marijuana has increased over the past decade. Social media is both positively and negatively influential for teenagers. Children who have a diagnosis of ADHD are less mature than their peers. And let’s not forget, those hormones are raging! All of this happens for teenagers in general, but teenagers who have been adopted face an additional layer of challenges.
An adolescent who has been adopted, even those adopted in the first year of life, begin to worry about leaving home, about defining their place in the family now that they’re almost adults, and about who they are supposed to be, once they’re all grown up. Some struggle with issues related to loss and abandonment that may just be coming (or may be returning) to the surface. The idea that they were chosen may have made them feel special when they were younger. As their brains grow and they can
understand things at a deeper cognitive level, the idea that they were “chosen” by you through adoption takes on a different meaning. What looks like teenage rebellion may be a reflection of how scared and unsure they truly are.
For some adolescent adoptees, the thought of leaving home – going to college, getting their first “real” job, their first apartment – is unfathomable. For some who didn’t have a permanent family for very long, the thought of leaving their
family on purpose, even though it’s a rite of passage, is just something they can’t get excited about. Even worse, it can bring some old feelings of loss and abandonment to the surface that may have been lying dormant for so long. The old fight, flight, or freeze response kicks in.
When adults start talking excitedly about life after high school, some adolescent adoptees may begin to display behaviors that look like defiance. They may start to get into trouble at home and at school. If they don’t get good enough grades, they can’t get into college, and they don’t have to leave home. Or they become indifferent, appearing to be lazy or unmotivated to fill out job applications or trade school paperwork. Maybe it’s not the fear of leaving home that causes these reactions – maybe negative beliefs about themselves are telling them they’re not good enough or won’t be successful because of their family of origin.
For an adolescent who was adopted, the question of “who am I?” can become very complicated. They may ask themselves, “Am I supposed to be like my adoptive parents, or am I supposed to be like my birth parents?” They may take on attributes of their birth parent as a way to explore “what fits” or what feels right to them. They may have underlying feelings of fear that they have inherited negative traits or temperaments from their birth parents and believe they were “just meant to be” that way. For many adopted children, information about their birth family is unknown. Teenagers who have been adopted may never have the answers to some of the
big questions. They may also be unable to make less significant connections such as where they got their hair color, their musical talents, or their athletic ability. Without clear answers about their beginnings, teenagers then find it difficult to answer questions about who they are supposed to become.
For many adoptive parents, a child’s desire to search for answers sparks some degree of fear, especially when the child’s journey hasn’t been a topic of conversation throughout the years. They may ask themselves “If my child gets this information, will he or she want to return to their family of origin? How will my child be impacted when they learn the truth of their story? If my child gets this information and their biological family has no desire to engage, will my child be hurt?” Because these questions are scary, some adoptive parents hesitate or adamantly refuse to support their children when they express a desire for information. You may want to say, “Not now.” As parents, we should keep in mind that a search does not automatically lead to reunion, or even that the child wants a reunion. Above all, we should respect the fact that children have a right – and an innate need – to know the part of their story that was written before they were adopted.
During this phase, adolescents are also trying to define intimate relationships and figure out what intimacy means to them. Adolescents who were adopted may be reminded of relationships within their birth families that were inconsistent or abusive, which complicates what they may seek or accept in a relationship. Some may engage in sexual activity as a way to fill a void they cannot define, or to elicit feelings of control over their bodies. Many teenagers who were adopted report intentionally dating outside of their own race to avoid the possibility of entering into an intimate relationship with a potential biological relative.
The challenges are there, and there are many! But they are not insurmountable. A shift in our thinking and in our parenting will help us be more available to our teenager, even when they are trying so desperately to separate from us. When we take a curious approach, one that offers compassion to our teenager who is trying to figure all of this out and validates their struggle, we provide our children with the support they need as they approach that bridge into adulthood.
DID YOU KNOW?
The Office of the Child Advocate oversees scholarships and other programs for students who have experienced foster care in Delaware! Your teen may be eligible. Call (302) 255-1730 or visit their website for more information https://courts.delaware.gov/childadvocate
Is your adoption/permanency subsidy up for renewal? Have you received your paperwork? Have questions? Have you moved? Do you need to make other changes?
Contact Laurie Lattomus: Phone: (302) 345-1212 Email: llattomus@abcfoc.org
The post-adoption monthly support group at ABCFOC and the diverse families group are a wonderful way to connect with other adoptive parents and discuss issues and challenges we have with parenting adopted children. These groups allow us to support each other and offer advice and wisdom in an atmosphere that is hopeful and welcoming. ABCFOC knows the adoption journey does not stop at finalization and its post-adoption support programs have been invaluable to our family.
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- ABCFOC Parent
