WHAT CAN YOU DO?
QTIP! (Quit Taking It Personally) It’s hard, but try not to take their steps toward independence personally. It’s what they are supposed to do! If you support their independence, they are more likely to turn back to you.
Remember that parenting, especially adoptive parenting, should be first and foremost about maintaining a relationship with your child that continuously reminds them that they belong, that they are loved, and that they are worthy of love for the rest of their life. Get ready for AWKWARD! Your child will become more awkward, as will some of your conversations. Get comfortable with talking about drugs, sex, gender, relationships…
Be a listening ear. Your role will slowly become less about telling them what to do and more about being a sounding board and a guide. This also means you need to ask fewer questions and be okay with not knowing everything that is going on with them. (However, the more you listen, the more they will tell you!)
Find ways to spend one-on-one time with your tween that is set aside just for them. This will help maintain your connection even as the dynamic is changing.
As they start making decisions on their own, they may make decisions you don’t like. Don’t be overly judgmental in these moments. Try to understand the decision they made. Also, avoid being judgmental about their friends and peers, because they will internalize your opinions. Don’t be overbearing, but don’t disappear! It is a difficult balance to strike, but it’s important to find.
Build connection by participating in activities that they enjoy; ask what they want to do!
Encourage them to be themselves! As your tween struggles with identity, they may become more self-conscious and focused on what others think of them. Be aware of stereotypes that your tween might feel pressure to conform to. Support and celebrate who they are, what they like, and how they express themselves.
Use an “It’s us against the problem approach” when issues arise.
Email Kristen Ames, LCSW Regional Director at Children’s Choice, Inc. kames@childrenschoice.org
An Insider’s Guide to understanding developmental stages in permanency.
Dear Parents and Caregivers,
We are excited to share with you our new Insider’s Guide to understanding developmental stages in permanency. It was created to provide you with guidance, resources, and quick tips specific to the ages of your children. The realities of caring for any child can change year to year (if not day to day!). This is especially true for children like yours whose stories include separation from their birth parents and a difficult early history. As they grow, new challenges arise. Sometimes, problems surface due to developmental or capacity issues previously unidentified and unanticipated. Other times, troubles are due to new questions your child has about their story. A child’s perspective and understanding of their story changes at different developmental stages. Therefore, we will be sending you this Insider’s Guide each time your child enters a new age range. We hope that this guidance will assist you in navigating the challenges as they arise.
Although every guardianship, permanent guardianship, and adoption journey is different, there is one constant – caregivers need connection and support! We wanted to take this chance to remind you about post-permanency services that are available to you here in Delaware. We encourage you to connect to these services as often as possible, even if no major challenges have arisen just yet. When you’re familiar with the supports and have already built connections, it is easier to reach out when you need to. Staff members at each of the agencies included below, are available whenever issues arise for your family. In addition to individualized support, regularly scheduled trainings and support groups are available. These services are available at no cost to any family that has adopted a child or received guardianship or permanent guardianship of a child.
We firmly believe that all families do better when they are supported and that this is especially true for families that have been uniquely created. Support is just a phone call away! We hope to hear from you because we are here for you.
supports
· Parent Coaching
· School Advocacy
· Sibling Supports
· Rec-n-Respite Program
· Adoption Subsidy Assistance
· Navigating Birth Family Relationships
· Recommendations for Therapeutic Services
Top Row: Nyshia Pereira, Jamie Minor, Kristen Ames, Corinne Macauley, Alyssa Walter, Debi Zistl
Bottom Row: Victoria Jorgensen, Grace Plump
By Katie Quirico
Welcome to the tween years! Your children have reached the age (10 – 12) when they are slowly starting to leave behind their childhood and move toward their adolescent years. As we all know, there are challenges related to this stage of development. While some will be typical and just what you expect, some may be bigger or different because your tween was adopted. As they become more aware of their bodies, complex emotions, social relationships, self-esteem, and identity development, they may feel anxiety about these changes without realizing it. For children who have been adopted, change is scary. And connecting to their bodies and emotions in a new way may feel overwhelming. It may almost feel as if a switch went off. Your sweet, lovable child who wanted to please all the time is now not so willing to please. You may feel like you no longer have the same influence. You may be afraid to lose the bond you have worked so hard to build.
During this stage, your child likely wants to become more independent and will try new things to help them figure out their identity. They may try on different personalities and change the way they dress, talk, or act. Because they were adopted, your tween may especially struggle with identity during this time, wanting to know who they are, where they came from, and where they fit in. They may ask questions about who they look like or where they got their artistic ability from. While most
children during this stage may experience low self-esteem, it may be more prevalent in your adopted child. They may begin thinking about adoption in a different way; you may even hear for the first time, “You are not my real parent.” This can be rather upsetting to you as a parent and hard not to take personally. Understanding that challenging behaviors do not mean your child no longer needs or loves you is important. They need
you more than ever as they go through these changes before transitioning into their teenage years.
Significant social and emotional growth takes place which gives your tweens an increasing sense of independence during the pre-teen years. With this independence, your tween will start placing greater importance on a world outside their immediate family. They may become more involved in school, activities, and friends. They may take more of an interest in social media and other apps and platforms where they are able to socialize and express themselves with their peers. Now is a good time to talk about social media use with your tween. It is important to keep up to date with what your child is doing by managing their devices, setting boundaries, and having those talks about internet safety. Setting these boundaries and expectations now can help, especially as they enter their teenage years.
During these years, it is common for your child to learn about heredity in school. They may even be given an assignment to complete, such as a family tree. This may bring up many emotions for your tween who has been adopted. They may start to view adoption through a different lens and may start to fantasize about their birth families. They start to better understand relationships, think about certain traits and characteristics that may have been passed on from biological families. Making a point to tell your child, “You got your big, beautiful blue eyes from your birth mother,” can be a helpful and loving gesture. If your family includes children who joined you via adoption as well as children who came to you via birth, your child who was adopted might begin thinking about this dynamic in a different way. They may start to notice their little sister born to their parents looks just like one parent and their older brother got his athletic ability from the other. They may start to question where they belong and may even feel like an outsider in the family. It is important to get comfortable having these conversations with your child and celebrating the wonderful traits they got from their biological families. Let your tween know they are special and unique!
Your tween will most likely still enjoy being around their family. However, friend groups will start to take new precedence. The influence of peers, the desire to fit in, and low self-esteem an cause your tween to make poor, impulsive decisions. These decisions may be different than what you want or imagined for your child. You may start to question whether these behaviors are typical developmental behaviors or if they are traits coming from their biological family. You may fear that your child will follow in the same footsteps and make the same mistakes as their biological families. Being aware of any possible biases and being able to self-reflect will help you better navigate this time for your tween. Now is a great time for you to open
up communication with your tween, even if they are giving you some pushback. Don’t be afraid to talk to your child about drugs, sex, and relationships. The more you can understand the typical tasks and needs of your tween during these years, and how their adopted-related experiences may affect their development, the more it can help strengthen your relationship with your child.
What are your tween’s interests? Knowing what your child is interested in can help keep that connection strong. If your tween is into art, maybe you both can take some time to paint together. Maybe your child is into sports, so taking that time to throw the ball while you talk can have a huge impact. Have them show you their artwork and how well they can play ball. You can use this time to praise their talents. Be a good audience! Positive language and praise can go a long way for your tween, even if they seem uninterested and not receptive to it.
Your tween will be going through many changes during this time and keeping a strong connection may seem more difficult. During this time, their behaviors may seem foreign to you, and you may feel they are doing this purposefully just to be difficult. There are so many changes happening in their young brains, and even though it may not feel like it, your child does not want to be disconnected from you and needs you more than ever. Finding creative ways to maintain a connection and communication with your tween will benefit you and them.
Finally, while the tween years may be difficult, they can also be a lot of fun! Enjoy this new phase and who your child is becoming.
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Podcast We’re Listening to:
Talking To Teens: Expert Tips for Parenting Teenagers
Parent-teen researcher Andy Earle talks with various experts about the art and science of parenting teenagers.
From Adoptive Familes Magazine:
Positive Adoption Conversations
Scan this QR code to access a handy PDF guide that explores tough topics, answering questions at school, and more!
Is your adoption/permanency subsidy up for renewal? Have you received your paperwork? Have questions? Have you moved? Do you need to make other changes?
Contact Laurie Lattomus: Phone: (302) 345-1212 Email: llattomus@abcfoc.org
“They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.” Tom Bodett.
I love this quote because it embodies my love for my children Ava and Rocky. Has every day been a fairytale? It has not, but through time, patience, consistency and love we have grown into a family! Through the rocky patches (no pun intended), my husband, Thomas and I have always had the support of A Better Chance for Our Children. Our greatest resource has been the Post Adoption Resource meetings. What an amazing outlet that allows us to share in person with other caring parents our parenting woes. Most importantly, we know that we are not on an island, but we have other amazing parents to lean on while on our journey.
- Jacqueline Benson, parent of two teens
