An Insider’s Guide
to understanding developmental stages in permanency.
Dear Parents and Caregivers,
We are excited to share with you our new Insider’s Guide to understanding developmental stages in permanency. It was created to provide you with guidance, resources, and quick tips specific to the ages of your children. The realities of caring for any child can change year to year (if not day to day!). This is especially true for children like yours whose stories include separation from their birth parents and a difficult early history. As they grow, new challenges arise. Sometimes, problems surface due to developmental or capacity issues previously unidentified and unanticipated. Other times, troubles are due to new questions your child has about their story. A child’s perspective and understanding of their story changes at different developmental stages. Therefore, we will be sending you this Insider’s Guide each time your child enters a new age range. We hope that this guidance will assist you in navigating the challenges as they arise.
Celebrate your child’s progress, no matter how small, nurtures their confidence, encourages perseverance, and reinforces a positive attitude towards learning and growth. 0-3 years
If your child asks if they were in your belly, tell them the truth. And tell them how thankful you are that their birth mom gave birth to them so that they could be such a special person in your life.
Need further assistance or support? We’re here to help!
Kent/Sussex Counties
Email Celeste Bishop at cbishop@abcfoc.org
New Castle County
Email Katie Quirico at kquirico@abcfoc.org
DID YOU KNOW…
Post Permanency Support Services can provide your family with individualized supports such as:
· Parent Coaching
· School Advocacy
· Sibling Supports
· Rec-n-Respite Program
· Adoption Subsidy Assistance
· Navigating Birth Family Relationships
Although every guardianship, permanent guardianship, and adoption journey is different, there is one constant – caregivers need connection and support! We wanted to take this chance to remind you about post-permanency services that are available to you here in Delaware. We encourage you to connect to these services as often as possible, even if no major challenges have arisen just yet. When you’re familiar with the supports and have already built connections, it is easier to reach out when you need to. Staff members at each of the agencies included below, are available whenever issues arise for your family. In addition to individualized support, regularly scheduled trainings and support groups are available. These services are available at no cost to any family that has adopted a child or received guardianship or permanent guardianship of a child.
We firmly believe that all families do better when they are supported and that this is especially true for families that have been uniquely created. Support is just a phone call away! We hope to hear from you because we are here for you.
Laurie Lattomus, LCSW Post Permanency Guardianship Program Support Navigator
· Recommendations for Therapeutic Services
Newsletters we’ve signed up for!
sesameworkshop.org
One of our favorite resources for parents of young children is the Sesame Workshop website! They produce printables, videos, and more on topics important to your family. Their newsletters are chock full of helpful and timely information.
loveandlogic.com
Love and Logic provides practical tools and techniques for nurturing respectful, healthy relationships with kids.
By Katie Quirico
Your child is experiencing incredible growth! From birth to three years old, they’re rapidly developing language and communication skills, learning to understand both the words they hear and the world around them. Physically, they progress from having limited control of their bodies to crawling, standing, walking, and even running. This period may seem to fly by, so cherish each moment! Nurturing relationships during these early years are essential, as they provide the foundation for lifelong health and well-being. Loving interactions greatly influence brain development, as well as social-emotional and cognitive skills. Research shows that the quality of early experiences and relationships with caregivers can have a profound effect on a child’s overall development.
During this time, your child is learning to trust you as their caregiver and discovering how much control they have over their world. For a child who was adopted, this process may present additional challenges. Building that bond may take time and patience if they haven’t had a secure primary attachment before. Establishing routines and rituals can help. Simple activities like making bath time fun, reading a book together before bed, or singing a favorite song can show your child that their world is safe and predictable.
Many adoptive parents wonder when they should talk to their child about being adopted. The answer is NOW! Even though your baby may not yet understand the word “adoption,” it’s important to introduce it early. The more you use the word and share their story, the more natural it will feel for both you and your child. By the time they are old enough to fully grasp the concept, discussing it will be much easier and more comfortable.
It is extremely important to remember that what your child experienced prenatally impacts them for the rest of their lives. Was their biological mother experiencing significant stress? Did she struggle with substance use? Did she receive proper pre-natal care and nutrition? Did she experience additional stressors such as lack of emotional support, domestic violence, housing insecurities? Any or all of those factors determined your child’s prenatal brain development. The impact must be considered if behaviors emerge as your child ages if they experience challenges in adaptive functioning skills and/or in social and academic settings. When it comes to typical development throughout the rest of their childhood, it may be the case that their brain “just can’t” as a result of those first nine months.
Additionally, it’s essential to consider your child’s attachment disruptions. No matter what age a child is separated from their biological family, they will experience that loss. Infants are born knowing the sound of their mother’s heartbeat, the sound of her voice, and her smell. In other words, your child formed a relationship with and an attachment to their biological mother in utero. When a child is separated from their biological mother shortly after birth, the child experiences their first break in attachment, and their body and brain will grieve this loss. The effects of this loss, sometimes referred to as “the primal wound,” may manifest as behaviors similar to those mentioned below. You may see some of these behaviors and challenges even if you picked your child up from the hospital shortly after their birth and provided them with
repeated nurturing and loving experiences throughout infancy.
You can expect a range of behaviors and challenges with your child depending on their previous experiences, age, and temperament. If your child is under six months old, you might notice more crying, feeding issues, or trouble sleeping. Just because they’re young doesn’t mean they won’t feel loss or sadness. A baby’s main task in these early months is to develop trust in the world and begin to see it as a safe, predictable place. Babies have an incredible ability to bond as part of their survival instinct. This bonding comes through behaviors like sucking, feeding, smiling, and cooing—things that, ideally, receive loving responses from parents or caregivers. These positive interactions form the foundation of the parent-child bond and help build a baby’s sense of trust.
If your child is a toddler, you may see them protest when you leave, express frustration, or even test limits as they learn to trust you. During this time, you may need to work a bit harder to show them you’re there for them. Knowing as much as you can about your child’s history is also helpful. If they’ve experienced prenatal exposure or have a history of abuse or neglect, you might notice delays in their mental, social, or physical development. They could also face challenges processing sensory information or have trouble with balance and movement. If your child was older at the time of adoption, their ability to form relationships may have been affected, especially if they experienced multiple caregivers or broken attachments early on. This can make it harder for them to develop trust.
Being aware of developmental milestones is essential, as it helps you recognize if any concerns need to be addressed. Between birth and 3 months, your baby should recognize your voice, discover their own voice, enjoy eye contact, and smile at people. They’ll study faces, cry to communicate their needs, coo, make gurgling sounds, and startle at loud noises. They should also be able to lift their head while on their belly and track moving objects with their eyes.
By 3-6 months, your baby should be able to lift their head to about 90 degrees and sit with some support. They might show interest in standing with help or pushing up on their legs, rolling over, reaching for objects, and responding to their name. Social interaction becomes a highlight for babies at this age—they recognize faces, prefer familiar people, and laugh or squeal when they’re happy.
From 6-12 months, your baby should start responding to some words like “Mommy” or “Daddy.” They’ll babble more, mimic others’ actions, and show strong preferences for likes and dislikes. Your baby should also be able to sit without support for longer periods, drink from a sippy cup, and stand with or without help.
Once your baby is 12-18 months, they’ll likely have lots of energy to explore everything, so it’s an excellent time to ensure your home is babyproofed. Your child should be able to feed themselves, climb out of the crib, and walk up and down stairs. They’ll understand basic sentences and say simple words, even though they’ll understand more than they can say. At this age, they often prefer to play alone and may struggle with sharing.
Between 18-36 months, your child should start saying 2-3 word phrases, count, use new words, and show a range of emotions. They begin recognizing others’ feelings, seeking approval, and asking many questions. They should be able to respond to requests, ride a tricycle, run, climb, dance to music, tell stories, and sing songs. During this time, they’ll also start showing more independence and, by 36 months, will enjoy pretend play with others.
It’s important to remember that every child is unique, and it’s okay if they don’t hit every milestone precisely on time. Prenatal and early life experiences influence a child’s development, so the more information you have about their background, the better. Tracking milestones can help you understand what to expect at different stages, celebrate your child’s progress, and know when to seek assistance if needed. If you ever need support, don’t hesitate to reach out—we’re here to help you every step of the way.
CHECK IT OUT!
Does your child have a Life Book?
Your child’s Life Book isn’t something that should be stored away for later “when they’re ready.” Language and pictures used in your child’s life books can help them begin to identify and acknowledge important individuals who they are biologically connected to, even at this young age. The Life Book can also help them begin to understand why they no longer live with their biological family (and in some cases why they don’t have contact with them.) A Life Book is an important tool for helping adoptive parents help their kids understand their birth and adoption story from the beginning, and they help adoptive families set the stage for open communication about adoption and biological family for the future.
Scan the QR below to see some sample language.
Is your adoption/permanency subsidy up for renewal? Have you received your paperwork? Have questions? Have you moved? Do you need to make other changes?
I fostered and then adopted two children, beginning when I was 47, as a single mom. Being an older mom comes with its own set of challenges, in addition to parenting children with trauma. The Connections for Adoption and Permanency Supports (CAPS) group has been so important to me because it gives me the . opportunity to talk to other adoptive parents who may also be single, and I can talk to people who understand the complexity of raising children who have experienced trauma. I also cannot say enough about the plethora of resources available to foster and adoptive families.
- Lynda Keyser, ABC parent
Contact Laurie Lattomus: Phone: (302) 345-1212 Email: llattomus@abcfoc.org
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