WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Remember that parenting, especially adoptive parenting should be first and foremost about maintaining a relationship with your child that continuously reminds them that they belong, that they are loved, and that they are worthy of love for the rest of their life.
QTIP! (Quit Taking It Personally) It’s hard, but try not to take their steps toward independence personally. It’s what they are supposed to do! If you support their independence, they will likely turn back to you.
Quality Time. Spend dedicated, uninterrupted time together doing activities your child enjoys to strengthen your connection.
Show Empathy. Acknowledge your child’s feelings and perspectives even if you disagree. It helps them feel heard and understood. Pay close attention to what your child says and how they feel. Reflect their emotions to show understanding.
Encourage Independence. Support their efforts to do things on their own. Offer guidance but allow them to problem-solve and make decisions.
Be Involved. Attend school events and show interest in their interests and hobbies. Support their exploration of different activities and interests. It fosters selfdiscovery and passion.
Focus on Connection. Building a supportive relationship where your child feels valued and understood will lay a strong foundation for their emotional and social development.
Communicate Openly. Create an environment where your child feels safe to talk about anything. You will not always like what they do or say, so be open and nonjudgmental in your responses.
Adjust Expectations. Your child may struggle with the developmental tasks typical for children their age. Be patient and remember that their chronological age may not match their developmental stage.
An Insider’s Guide
to understanding developmental stages in permanency.
Dear Parents and Caregivers,
We are excited to share with you our new Insider’s Guide to understanding developmental stages in permanency. It was created to provide you with guidance, resources, and quick tips specific to the ages of your children. The realities of caring for any child can change year to year (if not day to day!). This is especially true for children like yours whose stories include separation from their birth parents and a difficult early history. As they grow, new challenges arise. Sometimes, problems surface due to developmental or capacity issues previously unidentified and unanticipated. Other times, troubles are due to new questions your child has about their story. A child’s perspective and understanding of their story changes at different developmental stages. Therefore, we will be sending you this Insider’s Guide each time your child enters a new age range. We hope that this guidance will assist you in navigating the challenges as they arise.
Celebrate Achievements. Recognize and praise their accomplishments, big and small. It boosts self-esteem and encourages further effort. 7-9 years
Validate Their Emotions. Be sure your child knows it’s okay to have mixed feelings about the idea that their adoption. They need space and permission to explore both the happiness and the pain associated with their story.
Need further assistance or support? We’re here to help!
Kent/Sussex Counties
Email Celeste Bishop at cbishop@abcfoc.org
New Castle County
Email Katie Quirico at kquirico@abcfoc.org
Although every guardianship, permanent guardianship, and adoption journey is different, there is one constant – caregivers need connection and support! We wanted to take this chance to remind you about post-permanency services that are available to you here in Delaware. We encourage you to connect to these services as often as possible, even if no major challenges have arisen just yet. When you’re familiar with the supports and have already built connections, it is easier to reach out when you need to. Staff members at each of the agencies included below, are available whenever issues arise for your family. In addition to individualized support, regularly scheduled trainings and support groups are available. These services are available at no cost to any family that has adopted a child or received guardianship or permanent guardianship of a child.
We firmly believe that all families do better when they are supported and that this is especially true for families that have been uniquely created. Support is just a phone call away! We hope to hear from you because we are here for you.
Post Permanency Support Services can provide your family with individualized supports such
· Parent Coaching
· School Advocacy
· Sibling Supports
· Rec-n-Respite Program
· Adoption Subsidy Assistance
· Navigating Birth Family Relationships
· Recommendations for Therapeutic Services DID YOU KNOW…
By Katie Quirico
Children ages 7 to 9 are in a magical time of growth! They typically begin to think more logically and understand complex ideas, showing advancements in problem-solving and critical thinking skills. Socially, they become more adept at making and maintaining friendships, developing a sense of empathy and cooperation. Emotionally, they gain greater self-awareness and begin to understand their own feelings and those of others. Overall, ages 7 to 9 are a dynamic time of exploration, learning, and increasing independence.
As our children become more aware of the world and who they are in it, they may also become more aware of the differences they see in themselves and their families because they were adopted. They will likely have more questions and may show more insecurity, no matter the age at which they were adopted. Given this insecurity, it’s crucial for you to take the initiative and raise the topic. For example, “I just want you to know that if you want to talk about your adoption, I’d be glad to,” or “You haven’t asked much about it lately, and I thought, now that you are older, you might be thinking about it differently.” By introducing the topic yourself, you’re sending a clear message that you are comfortable with any thoughts, questions, or feelings they have.
Emotional growth is a critical aspect of development for 7-to 9-year-olds, particularly those who were adopted. During this stage, children become more aware of their own feelings and those of others. Social interactions and relationships play a significant role. They love being around other children and making new friends. Their peers help give them a sense of belonging. However, they may also be more sensitive to experiences of rejection, such as a friend not wanting to play with them or not liking what they like. Talking to your child about how to handle these feelings can help.
They are also beginning to explore their identity and assert their independence. Ideally, they develop a sense of positive self-esteem and confidence. However, as they question their adoption story, they may become self-conscious about who they are and their place in their family. They may also struggle with self-esteem issues due to their difficult early life experiences, such as trauma, chronic stress, loss, and attachment disruptions. Children in this age range may begin to feel their losses and perceived rejection in a deeper way. This is where your emotional support becomes crucial.
To support adopted children in understanding their identity and addressing their feelings of loss, parents should maintain an open and non-defensive attitude about adoption. It’s important to acknowledge the difference between being adopted and being born into a family, allowing children to express their emotions without placing undue emphasis on their adoption, which might make them feel self -conscious.
As children grow, especially during elementary school, they start to question and imagine things about their birth parents. They need to reconcile their genetic heritage, family experiences, and place in the world. Providing opportunities for children to meet other adoptees and engage in open discussions can help them process these complex feelings.
Assignments like creating a family tree can bring up questions about their background, providing a chance for parents to discuss adoption openly. Encouraging continuous, open family communication from an early age can make it easier to handle intense or complex subjects later. Children should feel supported in expressing their feelings and seeking explanations. Parents should guide and support their children, understanding that some learning about adoption will be personal and individual. It’s essential to respect each child’s preference for processing their feelings.
Despite their growing independence, parents remain the most important influence. You can help support your child’s development by encouraging them to explore and focus on their strengths. Spend quality time together, engage in activities they enjoy, and show consistent love and support. Foster an environment of open communication. Encourage your child to express their thoughts and feelings. Be a good listener! As always, establishing routines and consistency
provides a sense of security. Clear expectations and predictable schedules help children feel safe and grounded. Be patient and understanding as your child navigates these developmental stages.
Parenting this age group involves balancing their growing autonomy with needed support, which can be complex, particularly with adoption considerations. However, it is also rewarding! At this age, children are eager to learn and explore the world around them, often surprising us with their insights and creativity. Their developing sense of humor and independence bring moments of laughter and fun. Enjoy watching them develop during this exciting stage of growth!
Want additional resources?
← Scan the QR code below for a list of books and movies that you can add to your home library!
“I am not there when my son and Wendy meet, but I have noticed how my son is now asking new questions to me about his birth family. His questions and statements show me that he is working through these ideas in a safe place at a young age. He is now much more openly showing love to our family - his forever family. My mom’s gut tells me that his time with Wendy gives him a sense of security that he had not been able to display as well. The comments he is now making and the conversations he is now having with ALL of us (including his adoptive brothers) give all of us the opportunity to give him that feeling of security. It is exactly the thing I wanted to work on before he got much older and might conflate his independence from his parents with his independence from his whole adoptive family. I’m so grateful for this experience for him and our family! ”
- Heather Egnor, parent on receiving Post Permanency MY LIFE Services
CHECK IT OUT!
Podcast We’re Listening to: Start Here with Robyn Gobbel https://www.subscribepage.com/startherepodcast
Robyn’s podcasts help us better understand the science behind why our kids do what they do and the things WE can do to stay calm, logical, and connected ~ especially when our kids are doing their darndest to push us away!
Subscribe to Robyn’s “Start Here” podcast for a perfectly curated series of episodes designed to give us a foundation for understanding our kid’s most baffling behaviors.
Ready for more? Check out: The Baffling Behavior Show with Robyn Gobbel https://robyngobbel.com/podcast/
Is your adoption/permanency subsidy up for renewal? Have you received your paperwork? Have questions? Have you moved? Do you need to make other changes?
Contact Laurie Lattomus: Phone: (302) 345-1212 Email: llattomus@abcfoc.org
The Delaware Children’s Museum hosts $2 Wednesdays on the third Wednesday of each month from 5:00 pm to 8:00 pm. https://delawarechildrensmuseum.org/
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