Remember that parenting, especially adoptive parenting should be first and foremost about maintaining a relationship with your child that continuously reminds them that they belong, that they are loved, and that they are worthy of love for the rest of their life.
Encourage them when they pursue new interests. Be sure you’re not holding them back based on your own fears or worries.
Help them become skilled with the things they enjoy.
Participate in activities THEY enjoy (even when you don’t).
Teach them to set realistic goals so that they will be successful.
Encourage self-expression.
Be present but not overbearing.
Celebrate race and culture.
Negotiate the rules. The more involved your teen can be in the process, the more likely he will be to follow them.
Listen non-judgmentally. WHAT CAN YOU DO?
Be open and keep channels of communication open.
Accept your child’s perception of their own experiences and validate their feelings.
Be curious.
Examine your own biases and perceptions. We all have them, and they impact our ability to empathize with and be compassionate towards the experiences of others.
QTIP (Quit Taking It Personally) It’s hard, but try not to take their steps toward independence personally. It’s what they are supposed to do! If you support their independence, they will likely turn back to you.
An Insider’s Guide
Dear Parents and Caregivers,
We are excited to share with you our new Insider’s Guide to understanding developmental stages in permanency. It was created to provide you with guidance, resources, and quick tips specific to the ages of your children. The realities of caring for any child can change year to year (if not day to day!). This is especially true for children like yours whose stories include separation from their birth parents and a difficult early history. As they grow, new challenges arise. Sometimes, problems surface due to developmental or capacity issues previously unidentified and unanticipated. Other times, troubles are due to new questions your child has about their story. A child’s perspective and understanding of their story changes at different developmental stages. Therefore, we will be sending you this Insider’s Guide each time your child enters a new age range. We hope that this guidance will assist you in navigating the challenges as they arise.
Although every guardianship, permanent guardianship, and adoption journey is different, there is one constant – caregivers need connection and support! We wanted to take this chance to remind you about post-permanency services that are available to you here in Delaware. We encourage you to connect to these services as often as possible, even if no major challenges have arisen just yet. When you’re familiar with the supports and have already built connections, it is easier to reach out when you need to. Staff members at each of the agencies included below, are available whenever issues arise for your family. In addition to individualized support, regularly scheduled trainings and support groups are available. These services are available at no cost to any family that has adopted a child or received guardianship or permanent guardianship of a child.
We firmly believe that all families do better when they are supported and that this is especially true for families that have been uniquely created. Support is just a phone call away! We hope to hear from you because we are here for you.
Related Services Supervisor
Children & Families First mike.mchugh@cffde.org
· Parent Coaching · School Advocacy · Sibling Supports · Rec-n-Respite Program · Adoption Subsidy Assistance · Navigating Birth Family Relationships
Recommendations for Therapeutic Services
Pictured: Mike McHugh, Sandra Korines, Pam Richards, Cora Vasques, Jasmine Johnson, Theresa Broome, Wendy Atanacio, Kim Sabanaygam, Asia Smith, Abby Fischer, Cristina Leach, and Lisa Hutcheson.
By Celeste Bishop
Most people agree that the teenage years are the most challenging as a parent. Mood swings, battles for independence, influences from social media, and establishing identity all come into play. One moment your teen doesn’t want to hear, see, or be near you. The next moment, they want and need you to help with something they’ve decided is the most important thing in their life right now! And when things don’t go well, or they’re struggling with a task or an emotion, sometimes they take their anger and frustration out on you, the very person who is trying to help them! Challenging? YES! Frustrating? YES! Survivable? YES! Worth it? ABSOLUTELY!
The act of pulling away is a typical phase of development for teenagers. They seek groups who are “like them,” with whom they fit in and where they can feel like they truly belong. They may seek others outside of the family with whom they feel a connection, who have had similar experiences, and from whom they perceive unconditional acceptance. While these groups might not always be ideal, this exploration is crucial for teens to find their niche. As parents, it’s helpful to keep in mind that this pulling away is NOT ABOUT US! They’re not intentionally trying to alienate us. They’re not pulling away from us forever. Try not to take it personally when they reject you and all of your sage advice. Gently guide them from afar, but stay near enough for them to know you’re still there for them when they need you.
For some teen adoptees, this “seeking” leads to them looking for people who look like them, who share the same genes or skin color. They start actively looking for connections to their birth family. This seeking can sometimes lead adoptive parents to be worried or even offended. Again, it’s important to remember that this isn’t about us. The idea that they might want to learn more about who and where they came from shouldn’t be seen as a threat to our role as their parent. You are still their parent! You are still the guiding and supportive force they need in their lives. The reality is simply that adopted children have other people in this world that they will always be biologically connected to. To help them determine their identity, they should be given as much information as possible about those individuals.
Adolescents are egocentric by nature preoccupied with their appearance, social status, and sense of belonging, and they constantly worry about what others think of them. For teenage adoptees, this worry is magnified because, in their minds, they stand out. They’re different because they are a part of a family that they are not biologically connected to (and sometimes don’t even look like). Because they assume that everyone is judging them for everything, they may perceive that others are judging their right to be a member of your family, leading to heightened worries about fitting in. It’s important to keep in mind that your experience of conversations about adoption are very different that your child’s. Be curious with your teenager about what they think and feel when others ask about their life story.
Your 13-15-year-old is engaging in abstract thinking, considering others’ points of views, and forming their own ideas and questions. Parents who adopted a long time ago may not be thinking about issues inherent to adoption that may be impacting their child. However, we know that separation from their biological family impacts an adoptee at every stage of their life. If they don’t know where and who they came from, how can they figure out who they truly are or who they are supposed to be? We want to provide space for our teens to express their
emotions, ask questions and seek information. And while it’s hard, we want to put aside our own feelings so we can listen without judgment or minimization. If we don’t, we risk invalidating our child’s whole story and, thus, their whole self. We also risk damaging our relationship, which is the last thing we want. Our teenagers need us to recognize, respect, and respond to their challenges with empathy, understanding, and compassion. They need to know that their conflicting thoughts and feelings are typical and don’t scare you or make you want to shut down the conversation.
And, of course, if your child is a member of another race, their quest for identity becomes even more challenging. They stand out in the community, at school, and at family gatherings due to their different skin color. While many parents insist that “we don’t see color, we love them for who they are,” their color is part of their identity and should be recognized and celebrated. Your child might face name-calling, teasing, or questions about their skin color when away from you. They could also experience microaggressions or rejection from peers of their own race due to being raised in a different racial environment. While we strive to create an environment of love and acceptance for our children, parents must acknowledge that racial factors influence their children’s real-world experiences.
Why is identity so important? Research tells us that a stable identity leads a person to have better relationships with themselves and others and that a person’s overall emotional and psychological well-being is better when they have a strong sense of identity. They also have a stronger sense of self and higher self-confidence. We shouldn’t confuse self-confidence with conceit. Self-confidence is more about an individual truly trusting their abilities, inner qualities, and decision-making. And don’t we all want a teenager who is full of selfconfidence so they can go out and conquer the world when it’s time?
Many teenagers are in the contemplation stage of Prochaska and DiClemente’s “Transtheoretical Model of Change.” During precontemplation, usually between the ages of seven and nine, they’ve come to understand that they’re adopted. As they enter the teenage years, their thoughts may lead them to deeper questions about who they are and where they came from. The answers to these questions are what help us all define our identity. The difference for children who have been adopted is that the answers are often about uncomfortable societal issues. At this age, kids understand the meaning behind issues such as unhoused families, addiction, child abuse, and neglect. They’ve heard about it in social studies classes,
they’ve seen it on the news and the internet. Children whose biological families had those experiences are realizing that these issues have personally impacted their lives. They may want specifics about the circumstances of their biological family’s life at the time they were separated from them, even the harsh specifics. They will wonder if any of those experiences/issues are supposed to define who they truly are. They may start to wonder where their biological family is right now, who they are today, and whether their birth family would like who they’ve become. Questions such as “Should I be like my birth family, or should I be more like my adopted family?” are all about where they fit, whether they belong to one family or the other, or both families. They may even be wondering who they might have been had they been raised by their birth family, and should they try to be that person after all?
All these questions and emotions (and hormones!) can lead to more role confusion, which may appear as behaviors your child hasn’t displayed before. Picture taking your teenager to a new doctor. The doctor asks about family medical history. You tell the doctor you don’t have that information. These questions may not have bothered your child at prior appointments because they weren’t thinking about their identity at such a deep cognitive level. This question and the inability to answer may cause your child to experience feelings of shame, resentment, and confusion. But they don’t know how to verbalize those feelings, they don’t know what to do with them, and they don’t know whether they can talk to you about them. Instead, they break curfew that night, and when they do come home, they’re intoxicated. Do you immediately feel disrespected and disappointed and feel the need to lecture and consequence? If you could connect their behavior to their experience at the doctor’s office, would you be able to respond differently?
As challenging as this stage is for us as parents, we should take a step back and consider how challenging it is for our teens to go through! There are so many things for them to think about and consider while, at the same time, they’re trying to keep up with all of their adolescent responsibilities. With all of that going on, it’s hard for them to always make good decisions. Our teens will mess up! They’ll break the rules and break our trust. They’ll make rash decisions and not take accountability. They’ll disagree with everything we say just to try to stay in control. While consequences are necessary for poor decisions, sometimes a teenager just needs a second chance. And they need this from a parent who loves and supports them unconditionally, regardless of their behavior.
Katie Naftzger is a psychotherapist whose work focuses on adopted teens, young adults, parents and families of adopted teens. She’s very well-known and respected across the nation’s adoption community, and she leads online groups for adoptive parents.
Check her out at : https://adoptiontherapyma.net/
Is your adoption/permanency subsidy up for renewal? Have you received your paperwork? Have questions? Have you moved? Do you need to make other changes?
Contact Laurie Lattomus: Phone: (302) 345-1212 Email: llattomus@abcfoc.org
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“We greatly enjoy being a part of the ABCFOC community. Over the years my son has participated in the Rec and Respite program and we continue to attend CAPS family nights that we all enjoy and look forward too. I truly leave feeling cared for and connected to like-minded families. They offer great programs throughout the year, as well as support with IEPs and school based things when stuff gets tough. This is just the start of the list! They truly feel like extended family.”
- Proud single mom of two boys
BUCKLE
BUCKLE UP! YOU’RE PARENTING A TEENAGER! continued...
