HeartLight Highlight Vol.1

Grief

the

Grief a nd the B

Hear from the nation's leading experts on how grief affects the brain

See pg. 5 & 17

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A letter from our Executive Director

Our lives are filled with defining moments, moments that change or alter our course, moments that shape who we are, as people. The loss of someone in our lives is often a defining moment, a moment where it is clear we will no longer be who we were, had that loss not occurred HeartLight has offered support for people who have experienced a loss, and professionals supporting those grieving for 20 years Prior to becoming the Executive Director at HeartLight, HeartLight was there for me, in defining moments

I was introduced to HeartLight when I was working as a hospice social worker As a social worker, HeartLight provided a solution I could offer to families who needed connection and education after their loss Professionally, HeartLight supported my growth and development through their continuing education offerings. Personally, I called HeartLight to support my team when we lost colleagues in the workplace. Ten years after referring people to HeartLight, accessing their programs and calling when my team needed support, I was grateful to move into the role as Executive Director.

In 2020, all of our programs were virtual and in 2022 it was clear we needed to offer both virtual and in person programming to ensure accessibility to much-needed support

And our work is not done Losing a loved one is one of the most distressing experiences people face According to Dr Katherine Shear (2012), more than 2 5 million people die each year in the United States, leaving an average of five grieving people per death More than 7% of people who lose a loved one experience complicated grief (Shear, 2012) or have symptoms of prolonged grief disorder, a new diagnosis in the American Psychiatric Association, Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM) in 2022 Our culture has opportunity to support each other while we are grieving and HeartLight is committed to serving people who, otherwise, feel misunderstood, alone and hopeless.

We look forward to continuing to provide programming, education and resources to anyone who has experienced a loss and people supporting those grieving.

Thank you for your continued support,

Proud partner of the HeartLight Center, caring for the communities we serve.

HE ARTL I GHT CE NTE R GROWI NG OUR S UP P ORT I N 2 0 2 2

In 2022 HeartLight connected with participants from 36 states, Canada and England

Total Hours with the Bereaved:

3,750

Hours with Professionals:

2,280

Total Program Participants: 2021: 2022:

2 , 7 5 0

3,125

Number of Support Groups Offered: 175

Number of Workshops and Educational Programs: 45

a n d the Brai n

Grief a n d the Brai n

Life's Little Mysteries...

Mary-Frances O'Connor, PHD renowned grief expert, neuroscientist, and psychologist

WHYdoes grief impact people the way it does?

is it, for the majority of people, all-encompassing?

Grief is the natural response to loss, but grief as a response may have evolved originally as a response to separation. In order to help us maintain our connections to our loved ones when we go off and explore our world each day (like your kids going off to school or your spouse to work), powerful neurochemicals in the brain make us yearn for them, and reward us when we are reunited again. The death of a loved one is actually a very rare event (thank goodness). But initially, the brain seems to keep responding as though they are simply “missing” we even describe it as having “lost” them That means the brain wants us to search for them, to find them or make such a fuss that they come and find us. This isn’t necessarily conscious, although bereaved people often describe the feeling that their loved one will simply walk through the door again one day, or may start to text a loved one before realizing they can no longer do this. It’s all encompassing because our connections to our loved ones are as important to our survival as food and water, and our brain tries everything it can to search them out, while simultaneously learning that this is no longer possible. Eventually, we become more likely to predict their absence than their presence, even though we may have a wave of grief any time we become aware of that important loss.

Why does grief often result in people being unable to carry out simple tasks, such as writing an email or reading a book?

Grieving can be thought of as a form of learning Your brain is doing a lot of learning, trying to understand every situation where your loved one should be there, but somehow isn’t. I think of it like a computer that is updating a program in the background. It can be very difficult to type in a word document while it’s churning in the background, making the words appear slowly on the screen. I think our brain similarly is distracted when we are trying to do simple tasks in life, and certainly when we are trying to do complicated ones. This means we also don’t encode situations as readily which can make it hard to remember them later, and feel that our memory is poor. Fortunately, distractedness and difficulty concentrating due to grief usually resolves itself over time.

Are there

"STAGES"

of grief in terms of how the brain is affected? If so, what are they, and how long do these stages tend to last?

We no longer use a model of grief stages to understand the trajectory of grieving. Instead, data suggests that acceptance gradually increases over time, and yearning gradually decreases over time. But this isn’t a linear process one day will feel better and the next one might feel worse, even with an overall trajectory of less intense grief. We know from studies, for example, that holidays and anniversaries of the death tend to make us feel worse. There are quite a few studies of “grief” now, the moment in time when a bereaved participant has a neuroimaging scan. But we have very few studies of “grieving” yet, where the same person comes to an imaging center multiple times across several months so we can see changes in the way the brain is functioning. I really look forward to what we will learn about grieving from future neuroimaging research!

What are the best ways of coping with grief? Are there particular techniques people can use to help them cope?

I think it’s important to have a big toolkit of ways to cope with waves of grief. There isn’t one strategy that is the “best” one, because every situation we encounter requires a coping response that makes sense for that situation. For example, denial can be a good strategy in a moment when we might be cheering for our child at a football match. Pretending that there is nothing wrong in that moment so that we can really focus on them, and get involved in the emotion of the crowd and the game, is appropriate. But if we use avoidance every time we start to feel a wave of grief, we know this can cause difficulty in the long run, because we also need to understand the painful reality of the death, and what the loss of this important person means for our life now. So, trying out many different ways of responding to our thoughts and feelings, and asking others who have known heartbreaking grief what they did to cope, is the best strategy of all.

Are there certain sections of the brain that are most impacted by grief? If so, what are they, and why is this the case?

Grief is a complex response to loss, including emotional, cognitive, behavioral and physiological changes. Not surprisingly, there are many parts of the brain involved in generating the grief response. I think a surprising finding has been that the reward system of the brain is very much involved in grief the bond we make with our loved ones initially seems to be encoded there, and thus, our yearning for our loved one also correlates with brain activity in this reward network. The reward network includes a few areas distributed across the brain, but examples from grief studies include the nucleus accumbens and the orbitofrontal cortex.

Written by Mary-Frances O'Connor, PHD

is an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, where she directs the Grief, Loss and Social Stress (GLASS) Lab, which investigates the effects of grief on the brain and the body. O’Connor earned a doctorate from the University of Arizona in 2004 and completed a fellowship at UCLA. Following a faculty appointment at UCLA Cousins Center for Psychoneuroimmunology, she returned to the University of Arizona in 2012

THE GRIEVING BRAIN

The Surprising Science of How We Learn from Love and Loss

Published by HarperOne, an imprint of HarperCollins Publishers

ISBN: 9780062946232

Also Available as an eBook and Audiobook

GET HELP HANDLING TASKS AND FINANCES AFTER A DEATH

First Steps :

Financial Guide After a Death

Workbook and Seminars

Topics Include:

• Identity theft protection for the deceased

• Document gathering

• Understanding probate and estates

• Obtaining Social Security benefits

• Notifications to employer, banks, and social media

• How to make life insurance claims

MEN’S LOSS OF A SPOUSE/PARTNER

Dedicated to the unique issues encountered by men who have experienced the death of a spouse, partner or significant other. Meets on the 1st Tuesday monthly at 7 pm.

5+ YEAR LOSS OF A SPOUSE/PARTNER

For those who experienced the death of a spouse or partner 5+ years ago Meets on the 2nd Monday monthly at 7 pm

LOSS OF A SPOUSE/PARTNER

For those who have experienced the death of a spouse, partner or significant other. Meets on the 2nd Wednesday (4pm) and 4th Wednesday (7pm) monthly. You are welcome to attend either or both

LOSS OF A PARENT(S)

For those who have experienced the death of a parent/caregiver Meets on the 3rd Wednesday monthly at 7 pm.

YOUNG LOSS OF A SPOUSE/PARTNER 6+ MONTHS

For adults 55 and younger who have experienced the death of a spouse/partner and are 6 months or more post loss Meets on the 1st Thursday monthly at 7 pm

YOUNG LOSS OF A SPOUSE/PARTNER NO TIMELINE

For adults 55 and younger who have experienced the death of a spouse/partner. Meets on the 3rd Tuesday monthly at 6 pm.

SUICIDE LOSS

For those who have experienced a loss to suicide Meets on the 4th Monday monthly at 4 pm

LOSS OF A CHILD

For bereaved parents, grandparents, caregivers, and adult siblings who have experienced the death of a child, grandchild, or sibling at any age and for any reason. Meets on the 3rd Thursday of each month at 6 pm

GROWING THROUGH GRIEF

Open to anyone who has experienced a death loss Meets on the last Thursday of the month at 4pm.

LOSS OF A PARENT(S)

For those who have experienced the death of a parent or adult caregiver Meets on the 1st Monday monthly at 6pm PT / 7pm MST / 8pm CT / 9pm ET

GROWING THROUGH GRIEF

Open to anyone who has experienced a death loss Meets on the 1st Wednesday at 6pm PT / 7pm MST / 8pm CT / 9pm ET and 3rd Tuesday at 3pm PT / 4pm MST / 5pm CT / 6pm ET –monthly

LOSS OF A SPOUSE/PARTNER

For those who have experienced the death of a spouse, partner or significant other. Meets on the 2nd Wednesday monthly at 6pm PT / 7pm MST / 8pm CT / 9pm ET.

SPANISH-LANGUAGE SUPPORT GROUP

Open to anyone who has experienced a death. This group is provided in Spanish. Meets on the 2nd Tuesday monthly at 6pm PT / 7pm MST / 8pm CT / 9pm ET.

SUICIDE LOSS

For those who have experienced a loss to suicide Meets on the second Thursday monthly at 6pm PT / 7pm MST / 8pm CT / 9pm ET.

LOSS OF A CHILD SUPPORT GROUP & BOOK CLUB

A peer support group for bereaved parents, grandparents, and caregivers who have experienced the death of a child/grandchild at any age and for any reason. Meets on the 1st Thursday at 4pm PT / 5pm MST / 6pm (CT) / 7pm (EST).

UPCOMING EDUCATIONAL SIGNATURE SERIES

TUESDAY,APRIL 11TH, 2023

Harold Ivan Smith

Harold is a grief specialist on the teaching faculties of Saint Luke’s Hospital, Kansas City, Missouri, and the Carondolet Medical Institute in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.

Learning about grief can normalize and validate our feelings and experiences. HeartLight is committed to providing ongoing education to grievers and professionals by hosting experts from across the country to present on various topics through our HeartLight Signature Series.

FRIDAY, AUGUST 22ND, 2023

Dr. Tonya Cunningham

Dr. Cunningham is a visionary with over 30 years of professional experience in the funeral service/grief and loss industry

JAN 2024 - DATES TBA

Dr. Jason Troyer

Dr. Troyer was a psychology professor at Maryville College for almost 15 years. And now helps funeral homes&cemeteries connect with their communities.

About Facing the Mourning

For Those Who are Grieving and Professionals

Facing the Mourning support group has been offered since 2005 and has helped hundreds of grievers across the country. Facing the Mourning Facilitator training has been offered for over 12 years giving professionals across the country a chance to bring this program to their communities.

4-WeekGroup

Forthosethataregrieving:

A4-weekgroupthatprovideshands-on waystoprocessyourgrief.Foralltypes oflosses,atanypointinthegrieving process.

Forprofessionals:

Atrainingforthosethatwouldliketooffer the4-weekFacingtheMourningprogramto theirorganizationsorcommunities

Dear Fellow Griever,

Coping is a verb meaning “to deal with or attempt to overcome problems and difficulties,” and is often used with “learning to cope ” This is a word that I have become very familiar with over the last 7-8 months, and is an action that I have become used to.

Since my wife died in July of last year the first or second question that friends that I meet ask is “How are you doing.” A thoughtful question from people who don’t really know what to ask or say (this is not a criticism, it is just a fact, since we in the United States are not taught how to deal with or talk about death). For the first few months after she died I would automatically say “I’m doing OK” which graduated to “I’m all right.” Of course neither of these was true, as I was not OK or all right, but I didn’t know what else to say After all I didn’t want to put the other person in an awkward position, especially after they were trying to be supportive.

Then one day I was having breakfast with a gentleman who I didn’t know; his wife had died in September and a mutual friend of ours, a minister, thought we might be able to have a helpful, supportive conversation He asked me how I was doing, and instead of the usual responses I said “I am coping.” He said that is a good way to describe what he and I were going through.

I, like you I am sure, have had to cope with many difficult issues in my life, be they family, financial, health, job, etc Usually there was an end in sight for some if not all of these issues; it may have taken awhile, and it may not have been easy, but in most cases there was an end. With my wife Marilyn’s death, there is no end in sight; I am forced to live the rest of my life without her. The memories are there, the pictures are there, the reminders of her are there, but she is not and won’t be So I have had to make the decision whether I am going to stay in bed all day (literally and/or figuratively), pull the covers up over my head, and let life pass me by. Or, I can put my two feet on the floor, get out of bed and push myself through the day, coping with her loss.

There was a time within the first few months of Marilyn’s passing that I was not sure this would ever be the case. By coping with her loss I put myself in a position to have positive thoughts and feelings.

Coping allowed me to spend Thanksgiving Day with my family, at friends of my daughter and son-in-law. I certainly did not want to be alone, but wasn’t quite sure how I would be when I was with others for a whole day. I had a few tears, especially when I said a prayer of thanksgiving before the meal (something my wife always did), but I made it through the day and glad I decided to spend it with them

Coping has allowed me to begin volunteering again for a local hospice. Before my wife became ill I would visit patients on a weekly basis. Since December of 2021, when Marilyn had her surgery and began her downward spiral, I just couldn’t bring myself to make visits And certainly since her death I haven’t seen patients But lately I have been delivering flowers and other gifts to individuals in their homes and facilities. I am not quite ready to sit with patients for 60-90 minutes each week, but,

Even now, after a relatively short period of time amidst my coping, I am able to be around my children and grandchildren and smile, even laugh, when someone says or does something lighthearted or funny.

I would not be doing the little I am if I was not able to cope with Marilyn’s death.

Every year a few weeks before Christmas Marilyn would take our grandchildren out to buy gifts they picked out, not from Santa but from grandma and grandpa/poppop. A few months ago I decided I would just hand them the money and let them go out with their parents, or if old enough, by themselves, and buy the presents they wanted. But as we got closer to Christmas I had a change of heart; because I was able to cope with the loss of my wife I took them out, went to the mall, and watched as they shopped and then paid for the gifts with money I gave them. I would not have been able to carry on this tradition if I hadn’t been able to deal with Marilyn’s death.

Coping has given me the courage to look to the future and begin to plan some things, something I would not have even thought of a few weeks or months ago. I have been asked to attend a wedding in Syracuse, New York in January (egads! Snowy Syracuse in January), after which I plan on driving to Toronto, Canada (Marilyn and I lived in Canada for eight years) to visit friends.

It is not easy, there is no joy in coping, but eventually there will be better times.

I am slowly getting back to where I want to be.

When I first was invited to the wedding a few months ago I said that I had to wait to give an answer, and thought there was no way I would be able to go At that time I was in no mood to fly and attend a wedding, mainly with people I didn’t know. But, as I became more used to coping with my situation I made the decision to go. And I do feel good about it.

When asked if I would be willing to write this letter, coping allowed me to say yes I enjoy writing but was not sure if I had anything to say that would be helpful. After thinking about it I said yes but had no idea what I would write about. Then I had the breakfast when I told the gentleman “I am coping.” And I thought maybe that is what I should write about.

Earlier I mentioned that we in the US are not taught how to deal with death or dying. In particular, after a few months many people expect that a person who loses a loved one will be their old selves again, and sometimes will say things to that effect.

Books that I have read say we should not force our recovery and that it will happen over time And I agree with this advice But I have found that, by coping with the situation I am in (and I am not sure how well I am coping or if even if I am coping in the “correct” way), I can begin to feel whole again. Certainly not normal like I was when Marilyn was with me, but at least whole enough to begin living and functioning again, which is what I know she would want

I hope that you are able to cope with your situation as best you can, John Dietrich, a fellow griever.

My name is John Dietrich Marilyn, my wife of 53 years, passed away on July 23 of 2022 from complications after multiple surgeries

I am a volunteer at Agape Hospice and visit terminally ill patients. A month or so after Marilyn died I started seeing the bereavement counselor at Agape She mentioned that I might want to consider joining a group for grief counseling and suggested HeartLight I enrolled in Facing the Mourning and found it very helpful I then asked about volunteer opportunities and they asked if I would be willing to write some articles for a newsletter, which is what got me here!

Our stories are individual, but our experiences can be deeply connected. Knowing there is someone out there who understands what we are going through can be helpful and healing, creating connection to someone who was once a stranger.

Your grief story can help others on their journey of loss. HeartLight invites you to share what is on your heart so someone else may feel less alone, seen or understood

Even if you have never written before, send us a letter, poem, drawing, quote, short story, how you have coped, what you have learned, a book recommendation or anything else that feels right.

Submissions can be 5-2400 words in length.

We want to hear from you! Submit

a

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Conversation About the B r a i n a n d G r i e f

with Dr. Lisa Shulman

TELL US

about yourself

I’m Professor of Neurology at the University of Maryland School of Medicine and Director of the University of Maryland Parkinson’s Disease and Movement Disorders Center.

My work involves patient care, research, and teaching The areas of my research are diverse including cognitive impairment, mental health, quality of life, disability, exercise, health disparities, self-efficacy for managing chronic conditions, and gait/balance.

What inspired you to write your book, “Before and After Loss: A Neurologist’s Perspective on Loss, Grief and Our Brain”?

My husband, also a neurologist, died of cancer 10 years ago. Like so many others, I struggled to get back on my feet. Learning how grief and loss effect the brain helped me, and I hoped it would be helpful to others going through difficult times.

What is the brain’s perspective on loss?

From the brain’s perspective, loss is like any other type of serious emotional trauma. And the brain perceives emotional trauma as a threat to our survival That’s why the response to emotional trauma is so strong and long-lasting.

It is common for people, who have had a loss, to share they are continually surprised by the loss, waking up believing their person is still there, going to call the person who has died and not believing the person is actually gone. Can this be explained through neurobiology?

The brain struggles to process emotionally traumatic events, because these events are difficult to consolidate into our “memory banks” like everyday experiences and memories. Instead, these troubling memories of loss remain in our subconscious, stirring up trouble including vivid dreams, nightmares, intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, anxiety, and panic attacks. So I believe the events you describe are explained by the inability to integrate memories of loss like our normal memories

Is there science behind the term, “brain fog?”

Definitely. The short answer: The brain is so busy managing the stress of emotional trauma that normal cognitive functions are compromised. The long answer: The region of the brain that surveils the environment for threats is called the amygdala, also known as the fear center in the primitive part of the brain. The emotional trauma of loss puts the fear center on high alert and daily reminders of loss continue to trigger the fear center Overtime the fear center is strengthened while its connections to the more advanced brain- the seat of logic and reasoning, known as the cerebral cortex is weakened. And this results in cognitive changes known as ‘brain fog’.

Is broken heart syndrome real?

The broken heart syndrome is a real medical condition that goes by the name, Takotsubo Syndrome. The activation of the fear center (amygdala) that I previously described results in the release of a cascade of stress hormones that circulate throughout the body. These stress hormones can cause abnormal heart movement resulting in pains that are similar to angina (a warning sign of a heart attack). People experiencing “broken heart syndrome” should be medically evaluated.

Why is it important to work through loss and traumatic experiences?

Traumatic experiences are a cause of chronic stress on the mind and body. Working through loss never ends, but lowering the temperature, reducing the level of the stress is important for physical and emotional health, and enables post-traumatic growth.

How long does it take for the brain to heal from a loss?

The healing process never ends. The challenge is to integrate the experience of loss into our life story. The experience continues to be a source of sorrow but less a source of trauma and stress

We talk a lot about how grief is unique, do you see commonalities in the grief process?

I see more commonalities than differences. Although our personal circumstances are all different, the brain has only one response to emotional trauma. We all share the same brain regions and brain pathways. So the differences are more in terms of the severity of the trauma and the severity of the response.

After a loss people cope both in their heart and head. What are ways you have seen that can be helpful to cope after a loss?

Individualized strategies are needed to reconnect and strengthen the connections between the fear center (amygdala) and the advanced cognitive parts of the brain (cerebral cortex). The goal is to calm down the fear responses and strengthen the parts of the brain that govern coherent thought and judgment. These strategies include journaling, counseling, creative expression, faith-based practices, and meditation.

What differentiates bereavement/grief from

From the perspective of brain function nothing

a traumatic event?

Can you explain your brain being “high-functioning in grief” and what that looks like to others?

The brain mechanisms previously described are designed to ensure we continue to function in our daily activities even though there are adverse consequences (sequelae of chronic stress).

If daily function is impaired, professional consultation is needed

How would you explain disassociation as it relates to grief and loss?

Dissociation is simply one of many defense mechanisms (others include denial, repression) that the brain uses to manage stress. Dissociation is like an escape valve that quickly distances us from things we’re not ready to confront.

How has your background in specializing in Parkinson's disease and other movement disorders affected how you view grief?

Grief is a chronic condition, so it has many similarities to adjustment to any chronic disorder.

Do you feel your knowledge of neurology and the brain “helped” you understand or process your personal loss?

Certainly, it’s helpful to demystify the experience of emotional trauma and to understand there’s a reason for how we feel and how we behave.

If someone was going to take one thing away from your book, what would you hope it was?

Understanding the way the brain responds to emotional trauma presents a pathway to healing.

In your book you describe Dreams and Dream interpretation “ in dream studies of people experiencing grief, 60% describe dreams of loved ones” is there a scientific connection to grief and dreams?

As previously described, it’s very difficult to consolidate (process) memories associated with traumatic loss The unconsolidated memories in our subconscious are precisely what appear in our dreams.

is a neurologist specializing in Parkinson's disease and other movement disorders. In addition to neurology, her diverse background includes training in health policy, nursing and education. She is director of the University of Maryland Movement Disorders Center. She is the author or editor of numerous books on neurologic disorders. Dr. Shulman, MD, is the author of “Before and After Loss: A Neurologist’s Perspective on Loss, Grief and Our Brain (A Johns Hopkins Press Health Book). Dr. Shulman’s book is available for purchase on Amazon.

Lisa M. Shulman, MD

OK, SLICE ARTLIGHT All out Love

September 23rd 2023

T H E D E T A I L S :

DATE: MONDAY, JUNE 5TH, 2023

Registration: 7:30 AM

Shotgun Start: 9:00 AM

Dinner & Awards: 3:00 PM

LOCATION: THE CLUB AT PRADERA

5225 RAINTREE DR. PARKER, CO 80134

PRICE: $225 PER PERSON

(Includes; Breakfast, Greens Fees, Cart, Range Balls, Contests, Prizes and Lunch!)

FORMAT: 4 PERSON SCRAMBLE

When & Where:

September 23, 2023

HeartLight Center 11150 E Dartmouth Ave, Denver, CO 80014

DETAILS:

Please join us for a night at HeartLight featuring cocktails, premium wine selection, and heavy hors d'oeuvres. We will have our famous mystery bags, wine wall and premium silent auction items!

Price per ticket: $75

To Learn More, Purchase Tickets,

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