BOARD OF DIRECTORS
Jamie McConaty,
Jennifer
Stephanie Heitkemper
Effie Kavadas
June Seppa
Marlene Seward
Jen Thomas
John Veldkamp
Shane
11150 E Dartmouth Ave Denver, CO 80014 720-748-9908 info@heartlightcenter.org https://heartlightcenter.org/
Jenn Flaum, LCSW, MBA
Iwasnineyearsoldwhenoneofmybestfriendsdied.Mymompickedmeupfromanightatafriend’s houseandIimmediatelyknewsomethingwaswrong Shesaidshehadsomethingreallyhardtotellme Jayson*,oneofmybestfriends,haddied
AsIsatinthebackofthegreenAerostarvan,Ifoughtbackinevitabletears.Therewasnowaythiscouldbe true;itwasn’tpossible Iaskedhowhedied,andshetoldmethetruth Hehadshothimself Sheexplained somethinghappened,inhisbrain,thatmadeithardforhimtotakebadnewsandheendedhislife Mymomhelpedmecomeupwithaplanforgoingtoschoolthenextday.Together,wechosetotellmy teacherandwhenIgotsad,Icouldhaveabreakwithmyfriend Mymomnotifiedmyteacherandfriend’s parents,creatingasafeplaceforme
Beforethefuneral,myschoolpsychologistreadabooktomeaboutwhattoexpectatafuneral,like peoplecryingandwhatacasketlookedlike.Jenna,mybestfriend,cametothefuneralwithme. IrememberseeingJayson’sdadatthefuneral,pacingandholdingoneofJayson’sbelovedbaseballs
Weekslater,backintheAerostarvan,mymomcheckedinwithmeaboutmissingJayson Shesharedthat shemissedhimandcouldtellIdidtoo.Sheencouragedmetofindsomethinginnaturethatcouldhelp merememberJaysonwheneverIsawit Duringthatdrive,wesawasilverlininginthesky–abeautiful brightoutlinealongtheedgeofacloud Ichosethesilverlining.
Asagrievingchild,mymomandtheadultsaroundmecaredaboutmeandsupportedmeinthebestway theycould.Mymomwashonest,sheidentifiedsafepeopleforme,sheletmebepartofthefuneraland she,alongwithothertrustedadults,helpedpreparemeforwhattoexpect Mymomcheckedinwithme weekslaterandhelpedmememorializeJaysonwiththesilverlining
ThesupportIreceivedasagrievingchildshapedmylife.TenyearsafterJaysondied,Istartedvolunteering withhospice Today,over30yearslater,IamapartofHeartLight
Wecannotpreventchildrenfromhurting,butwehavetheopportunitytosupporttheminhonest, inclusiveandlovingways.WehopethisissueoftheHeartLightHighlightwillprovideadultsmeaningful toolstohelpsupportgrievingchildren
Jayson’s
Jayson
CHILDHOOD BEREAVEMENT STATISTICS
1,089
SUPPORTING GRIEVING CHILDREN FROM A TO Z
By: Susan Hannifin-MacNab, MSW, PPSC
Susan Hannifin-MacNab, MSW, PPSC
is a social worker, educator, and author who holds a Masters in Social Work, a Bachelors in Education and credentials as a teacher and school social worker After the sudden death of her young husband, Susan founded A2Z Healing Toolbox®, a heart-based business that assists the bereaved in integrating authentic, practical, action-based tools into their lives post loss She facilitates conference workshops, individual and group healing sessions, professional development trainings, podcast interviews, and keynote speaking presentations Her five-time award winning book, A to Z Healing Toolbox: A Practical Guide for Navigating Grief and Trauma with Intention is used by mental health practitioners and bereaved communities world-wide Susan serves as the Programs and Education Manager for Soaring Spirits International- a nonprofit organization that provides programming, support and hope to the global widowed community- while providing support to Gold Star surviving military spouses through The Sugar Bear Foundation and families from the National Fallen Firefighter Foundation
There I was on a random Wednesday afternoon, sitting on a comfortable couch in a child therapist’s office surrounded by soft teddy bears, familiar board games, baskets of puppets, bright toys, and bottles of scented lotion Lots of lotion I watched as my fiveyear-old son stood on tiptoes near the cupboard above the sink and pulled down bottle after bottle of lotion: eucalyptus, cinnamon, rose, lavender, peppermint. He unscrewed each top, stuck his nose inside each bottle, and took long whiffs He paused while trying to decide if the scent appealed to him “Is there a scent that you like? Is there a scent you would like to take home?” asked the therapist. He chose a eucalyptusspearmint blend. She invited him to put a bit of lotion on his arm at home whenever he was feeling sad, angry, or afraid It was then I learned that smelling calming scents is a tangible way for therapists to help clients relax their minds and bodies Children (adults too) begin to link positive smells with positive feelings and positive experiences in the therapy office Those positive smells, positive feelings, and positive experiences are then transported home in the lotion bottle to assist in the healing of the child’s psyche throughout the days ahead
It turned out that my young son and I were going to need all the positive scents we could
get our hands on throughout the days ahead Our psyches were dazed, stunned and confused- to say the least
A few weeks prior to our appointment with the “scent therapist”, Daddy had gone out for a Sunday drive Then he didn’t show up for dinner Then he didn’t show up for breakfast Dreadful silence ensued Police and investigators were called in and Daddy was declared a missing person The search went on for weeks. Finally, his vehicle was discovered and his body was recovered in the wreckage
Daddy never returned home
My entire world immediately spun off axis and sent me careening into an invisible pit of darkness and despair Falling down Unable to breathe I was unable to move- unable to see Not a thing in the world made sense anymore One moment I had been living overseas with my preschool-aged child and international business professor husband. We were in transition, moving across the world to settle back in America Our personal belongings were en route, on a container ship bobbing across the Pacific Ocean The next moment my husband best friend, coparent, athletic adventure buddy, travel partner, house chef, family comedian,
devoted dad, creative artist, talented musician, brilliant young surfing professor was dead? Impossible I sat ravaged, immobilized, and completely alone in that pit of darkness and despair for an eternity- until something bumped against me. Our five-year-old son. He was in the pit too
And I realized that I didn’t care about myself anymore but I did care about him
I wondered: How could I save him? How could I get him out of here? Where would I even begin with a distressed child, unimaginable grief, indescribable trauma, little desire to keep living, and a life of solo parenting ahead of me?
As a credentialed K-12 teacher and school social worker for over two decades, my heart had been trained to provide security, stability, support and structure for hundreds of children Certainly, I could dig deep to help my own grieving child? As a seasoned social worker for children, youth and families, I had been trained to research, organize, and connect people to valuable resources in their own community Certainly, I could find some A-toZ tools to help build some semblance of new life for me and my own grieving child
When I found myself sitting on the couch with the “scent therapist” on that random Wednesday afternoon- watching my son stand on tip-toe, unscrewing each lotion bottle and taking long whiffs- I realized that scent was the first unexpected tool added to our grief and trauma healing toolbox. Smelling unlit scented travel candles on our nightstands- frosted cupcake, coconut leaves, and watermelon lemonade- infused calmness Lighting natural candles with delicious smells- pumpkin pie, sugar cookie, and chocolate pudding- brought comfort to both of us Adding fresh flowers to the house, investigating the world of essential oils, and pausing to smell the roses each morning as we walked the dog seemed to infuse a bit of healing, hope, and renewal Upon further research, I learned how flowers and fragrance promote healing in both children and adults: By reducing levels of stress hormones
By improving the ability to relax and sleep
By decreasing levels of anxiety, agitation, and depression
By promoting feelings of happiness and overall life satisfaction
Healing Tool F = Flowers and Fragrance
was the beginning of compiling A2Z Healing Toolbox@, a collection and guidebook of twenty-six powerful, practical, action-based A-to-Z tools, resources, and stories compiled to accompany and accelerate the healing journey of those living with grief and trauma The tools are organized alphabetically for clarity and convenience and can be used for children (and adults!) of varying ages This article highlights a handful of easy-to-use tools (and ideas for each) that can be used to support grieving children Please check out the A2Z free online toolbox or A2Z Healing Toolbox® book for all twenty-six tools.
Healing Tool C = Counseling
How does counseling support grieving children?
By assisting in “old life” and “ new life” integration
By helping the mind and body restore balance and equilibrium
By offering positive ways of processing grief, traumatic grief, and trauma
By providing a safe and welcome space for all thoughts, feelings, and emotions
Animal-Assisted Therapy: This type of therapy uses several types of animals dogs, cats, horses, dolphins to assist children in their emotional and psychological healing and functioning
For example, my son ’ s counselor had a highly trained therapy dog in her office to help grieving and traumatized children feel calm, safe, and emotionally stable in therapeutic sessions
Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR): This type of therapy is used as a method to assist the mind and body in healing from distressing images and bodily sensations associated with PTSD EMDR practitioners assist people in coming to a more peaceful resolution of trauma by using bilateral movements to help desensitize and reprocess the trauma experience My EMDR therapist methodically moved her hand, two fingers pointed up, back and forth in my field of vision My eyes followed her hand as it moved: left, right, left, right, left, right. My son ’ s EMDR therapist instead incorporated the bilateral movement onto his knees, alternatively tapping the same pattern and/or integrating bilateral reprocessing by having him use handheld buzzers that vibrated alternatively
“Would you rather not be able to eat again until you see a bald eagle in the wild OR until you can find a four-leaf clover?” or “Would you rather have a small butt on your chin OR two little feet dangling from your nose?” or “Would you rather sleep upside down like a bat OR standing up like a cow?”.
Sandplay Therapy: This type of therapy uses the power of symbolic imagery to provide individuals with a safe space to connect with their unconscious mind, move through overwhelming feelings of grief, and process traumatic experiences Sandplay therapy is done by creating scenes in a tray of sand with miniature trinkets, symbols, statues, and figures- miniature items such as people, tents, buildings, balloons, dragons, cars, trash cans, steeples, rocks, butterflies, snakes, fairies, etc One day- suddenly realizing that my child was only going to be as healthy as I was- I scheduled my own sandplay session. I took three figures and placed them in the sand tray: a female army soldier holding a machine gun, a female warrior princess wielding a long spear, and a female child sitting atop a blue fire-breathing dragon As I sat and stared at the tray of sand, I realized those figures were all representations of me. I was in “fighting mode,” symbolic guns, spears, and fire being used to fight for my child’s life
Healing Tool L = Laughter
How does laughter support grieving children? By reducing feelings of anxiety and depression
By strengthening the immune system
By reducing levels of physical pain
By lowering blood pressure
Would You Rather Books : Kids love to hoot over these hilariously absurd questions that come in book form or free online fashion
Search for the Funny: Some children will find the funny when left to their own devices When my son was six years old, I once peeked around the corner to see what he was doing in the playroom He was holding a harmonica in one hand and an ink pad in the other, playing a tune while stamping pink butterflies all over himself I wound up doubled over in the hallway, enjoying the first belly laugh I’d had in ages Other supportive suggestions: Listen to kid comedians together, spend time with funny friends, watch laugh-inducing shows, teach them to stick a straw or pencil between their teeth (the long way)- it forces a smile and gives a quick surge of endorphins
Healing Tool X = Examining Your Positives
How does examining your positives support grieving children?
By rewiring the brain for positive emotions
By lifting mood, optimism, and resilience
By counteracting the effects of painful experiences
By increasing levels of energy, determination, persistence, and focus
Research has shown that people who consciously focus on gratitude experience greater emotional well-being and physical health than those who don’t. For grieving children and families, practicing thankfulness can be a challenge because there is an understandable focus on what is missing, instead of what is still present Examining the positives by focusing on what is still good can strengthen the brain’s positive neural pathways and contribute to overall mental wellness
Hereareafewideastohelpkidskick-start theirthankfulness:
1 Text:Whenchildrenthinkofsomeonefor whomtheyaregrateful,invitethemsend thatpersonatext,anemail,ornotetolet themknow
2 Tell:Whenkidsareinteractingwithfamily, friends,andteachersthroughouttheday, invitethepracticeofsayingtopeoplealoud whytheyarethankful
3 Bust:Whenchildrenfeeloverwhelmed, theycantakeamomenttobustthestressby switchingtheirthoughtprocess Invitethem tolist(aloudorinwriting)fivetotenthings forwhichtheyaregrateful
4.AFamilyJarofGratitude:Asafamily, decorateanemptyjar Keepapadofsmall stickynotesandapensomewherevisible, likethekitchentable Asfamilymembers passthejar,eachpersonisinvitedwritedown onetinythingforwhichtheyaregrateful. Foldupthenotesandplacetheminthejar Attheendoftheweekormonth,dumpout thejarandreviewallforwhichthefamilyis thankful
5 Collecting New Memories: This is the one that appealed to me and my son As a family, we decorated a large empty container with stickers and magazine cutouts Each time we made a new, positive memory we added its memento to the Memory Jar. We collected items like movie ticket stubs, pool party bracelets, concert tickets, shells from the beach, Halloween candy, the sports team photo, a twig from the hike with friends Each year on December 31, we dump out the contents of the jar and review our positive new memories being created. We remind ourselves that
Twelveyearslater,thesuddenlysolomom whohadnoideahowshewasgoingto supportagrievingchildisnowbackinthe “landoftheliving”-withhope,connection, community,andanalphabetofhealingtools attheready
“We aren’t leaving Dad behindhe comes with us!”
Twelveyearslater,theyoungboywhostood onhistiptoessearchingforgriefreliefina lotionbottlehasmadeittothephaseof “terrificteenager”-withfriends,sports,cars, homework,job,andasenseofpurpose
SUPPORTING GRIEVING KIDS
PRESENTED BY:
Program for Professionals:
November 5th on Zoom
Healing Communities - Centering Families to Support Bereaved
Youth
November 5th
8-10am (PT)/ 9-11am (MST)/ 10-12pm (CT)/ 11-1pm (EST)
This presentation will address the importance of bringing a systems perspective to grief work and how we can contribute to creating more grief-sensitive communities.
Program for Adults Supporting Grieving Kids:
Caring for Grieving Kids
November 5th
5-6pm (PT)/ 6-7pm (MST)/ 7-8pm (CT)/ 8-9pm (EST)
This program will increase understanding and connection for adults caring for grieving youth Grief counselors will share information about children’s common grief reactions, understanding of death, and coping in addition to reviewing helpful caregiving strategies.
A HeartLight Testimonial
art to Hea
Grief
during adolescence somehow becomes an adult of its own Experiencing loss at a young age has had a profound impact on who I have become today As a teenager, you are just trying to discover who you are, and after experiencing loss I never thought I would grow to be anything more than mournful
My Daddio died in May 2014 I had been well aware that his body was riddled with cancer, he was frail He had to have weighed less than me, at this time a small 17 year-old girl He was very weak, eating from a feeding tube, and only half of a jaw from surgery Yet somehow, my adolescent brain, had convinced myself he was going to beat this, he would come out the other side
Like many children, I idolized my dad. He was my hero.
In my eyes, he was the strongest, bravest, and could save me from anything How could cancer take my dad? Impossible
I had sat through many hours of chemotherapy sitting next to the nurses I had watched him undergo radiation, getting locked into the small space He was fighting it, and in my mind, there was no world that he didn’t win the battle Even in the days leading to my loss, where he completely lost mobility, had minimal speech, and the minutes he was awake were few and far between-- I was convinced he would be fine So, when the time came, I was in shock, in horror. This couldn’t be real life, it felt out of body like what I was witnessing wasn’t real. I hadn’t prepared myself. While the adults in the room may have known this was inevitable, I was convinced it was impossible.
Reflecting as an adult, it is easy to think that I should have known, the signs where there-- right in front of me. But I allow myself grace as I think about how young I was. Although, I have spent many years with guilt, shame, and regret I was a rebelling teen, processing emotions that I didn’t understand, and maybe at some level avoiding the diagnosis
I spent so many hours, days, years wishing I would have acted differently (control my raging teenage hormones), spent more time with my dad instead of my high school friends, and told him how much I love, admire, and appreciate him
There are still flashes of these emotions, but time has allowed me to forgive myself.
Equally as painful as the past was thinking about the future of a 17 year old girl who wouldn’t have her dad at many of the monumental moments in life- high school and college graduation, finding my first job, falling in love, my wedding, birthdays, holidays, a never ending list. And as those events became a reality, I felt the pain so deeply These are the moments that should bring the most joy yet they come with an equal amount of sadness and anger As I got older, I learned how to process these feelings much better than I did as a teenager
At this young age, I didn’t know how to seek help or accept the help my family and friends were offering I was a stubborn teenager who thought I could get through it alone even while being surrounded by love and support I was quick to fill my life with an abundance of things to do, so I didn’t have to accept the fact that my daddy was gone I probably didn’t accept it for years, just in perpetual denial I have come so far from these dark days and I am so thankful to have a supportive family that loves and accepts me for who I am and the impact that grief has made on me and my life. Reading The Heartlight Highlight has inspired me to share this story and consider seeking the help and support that a younger version of me really needed.
As I am coming up on the 10 year remembrance day, I am proud of who I have become and I know my dad would be too.
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SUPPORTING GRIEVING KIDS
By; The HeartLight Center Team
Children, teens and young adults grieve in different ways and often re-grieve as they pass different developmental milestones. Providing children with honest, age-appropriate information about a death loss will help give them a framework and understanding of what is happening. While there is not an exact script for what to say, or how to say it, being open, honest and using age-appropriate language will help create a sense of security for children, no matter what age.
Allowchildrentoparticipateinmemorials, funeralservicesandongoingrituals.
Explain whattoexpectatthefuneral/endof lifeeventsandthinkofwaysthattheycan beinvolved
Onspecialdaysorholidays,checkinwith childrentoseeifthey'dliketodosomething torememberthedeceasedandhelpthem withthatactivity.
Helpchildrenmakeamemorialitem,ordo somethingspecial,tocontinuetohonor theirloss.Someideasinclude:makingan ornamentorspecialpainting,goingtoa specialplace,havinga"linkingobject"likea stuffedanimalorpieceofjewelryand creatingascrapbookofspecialmemories
Usehonestandage-appropriatelanguage.
Behonestwhentalkingtoachildafter someonehasdied
Avoideuphemismssuchas"passedaway", "welost[thedeceased]"or"[thedeceased] issleeping" Thesetermscanbeconfusingor scaryforchildren Usetermslike"dead"or "died".
Checkinwiththechildtomakesurethey understand
Throwexpectationsoutthewindow
Donothaveexpectationsabouthow childrenshouldorshouldnotreact
Companionchildren,wherevertheyare,as theyfeelwhattheyfeel
Bepreparedtoanswerquestions.
Usethesamelanguageyouhaveused before,whenansweringquestions.
Reassurechildrenthatquestionsareokay Ifyoudon’thaveananswer,itisoktosay, “letmethinkaboutthat”or“whatdoyou think?”
Beopentocontinueddiscussionsabout loss,deathandgrief.Aschildrengetolder, theirunderstandingofdeathandgriefwill change
Listen
Createasafe,openspaceforchildrentoask questionsandexpresstheirgrief
Allowchildrentosharetheirfeelingsand experiencessotheycanprocesstheirlossin ahealthyway
Aschildrengetolder,includethemin decidingwhotheywillsharewithandwhat theywanttoshare Somechildrenwantto sharewithmanypeople,butdonotassume allkidswant,orneed,everybodytoknow abouttheirloss
Validateallfeelings
Normalizethefeelingsyourchildishaving bytellingthemitisnormaltofeelhowever theyarefeeling.Shareatimeyou,too,felt thatway
Validateachild’semotionsbylisteningand sayingthingslike,“ofcourseyoufeelthat way ”
Shareyourfeelings,orfeelingsothersmay behavingtoreassurechildrentheyarenot alone
Helpmanagebigfeelings.
Identifywhattodowhenfeelingsfeelbig Createhelpfullistssuchas:
Thingsachildenjoysdoing
Whathasbeenhelpfulinthepast
Whoachildcantalktoo
Whattodowhenyoufeelangryorsad
Allowtimetoprocess
Childrenwilloftenhearnewsandthenneed timetothinkabouttheinformation, especiallyifitisnew Forexampleachild maygobacktoplayinglikenothing happened,orchangethesubject Childrenprocessthroughplay.Itcanbe helpfultoplaywiththemandtalk,asyouare playingandastheyinitiateconversation Aschildrengetolder,theywillrelymoreon friendsandtheirsocialcircles Asable, includefriendsinconversations
Modelandteachhowtohonorlife.
Leadbyexamplesoyourchildlearnshowto expressandprocessgrief
Takecareofyourself,inthesamewayyou wouldwantsomeoneyoulovetotakecare ofthemselves
Tellyourchildwhyyouaredoingwhatyou aredoing.Forexample,“I’mgoingforawalk tothinkaboutmyfeelings”or“I’mtalkingto myfriendabout[thedeceased]”
Connectwithyourcommunityandresources
Researchresourcesinyourarea,aswellas nationwide,thatcanhelpsupportchildren Lookintogriefsupportgroupsforyouth,as wellasindividualcounselorswhoworkwith grievingchildren
Readbooksorwatchmoviesthatinclude grieftonormalizefeelingsandgenerate discussions
What to Expect at Different Ages:
7-13 yrs.
4-7 yrs.
2-4 yrs.
Lack the understanding of death and concepts around grief and loss. Oriented to the present, may not understand “forever” May experience some regression in their behaviors such as bed wetting, sucking their thumb or sleep issues Play and consistent routine is helpful
May ask more questions and need more concrete information or specifics. May not understand death as finite, and engage in “magical thinking”. May experience regression in behaviors, nightmares, changes in sleeping or eating habits Experiential activities such as drawing, reminiscing, and physical outlets, such as movement, can help
More logical in their thinking and may have a better understanding of death. Anticipate more questions and wanting more information to better understand what happened May experience fear or think about death and dying more often May experience behavior regressions, challenges at school, acting out or withdrawal from friends Allow children to express their emotions honestly and openly and create opportunities to be in control while maintaining healthy boundaries
13-18 yrs.
Typically, teenagers are more capable of abstract thoughts and have a more mature understanding of the concept of death, dying, grief and loss They may experience emotions in bigger extremes, have a preference of talking to peers as opposed to parents/family, may act out or engage in risky behavior, and may even struggle with suicidal ideations Encourage teens to find a safe person to talk too, whether to yourself, family, friends, teachers, or a therapist.
HEARTLIGHT IN ACTION: ANNUAL IT’S ALL ABOUT LOVE FUNDRAISER
11150 E. Dartmouth Ave Aurora, CO 80014
C o n t a c t U s :
720-748-9908
info@heartlightcenter org
www heartlightcenter org
Follow us: @HeartLightCenter
@heartlightcenter @HeartLightCente
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Donating $15 allows someone to attend a support group meeting.
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Donating $180 provides a full year of support group attendance to a grieving member of our community.
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