At HeartLig ommitted to ensuring that when people have the courage to contact us, we have a program or resources to best meet their needs. In this edition, we aim to clarify the distinction between grief and trauma, explain different therapy types and interventions, and offer ways to get involved.
According to the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, trauma is an emotional or physical response to harmful or life-threatening events, which can have lasting effects on both mental health and physical well-being. It’s important to note that grief does not always involve trauma, and understanding the difference is key to caring for ourselves holistically.
HeartLight provides peer-based grief support, where individuals come together to find community and share experiences with others who understand. We recognize that if trauma is involved whether from the loss itself or other experiences complementing peer support with professional therapy can help address its impact on daily life. Licensed counselors and therapists undergo extensive training in various treatment techniques, known as modalities, and each therapist brings a different approach. This edition aims to help you understand some of these therapeutic options so you can find a therapist who aligns with your needs.
In the past year, we ’ ve answered the call for groups specifically designed for those who’ve experienced sudden and traumatic losses. We've implemented open support groups, both in person and virtually, where individuals can come together to explore their grief and acknowledge their trauma.
In the following pages you will find gentle education and support. Thank you for being part of the HeartLight community your support enables us to provide programs, resources, and training that truly makes a difference.
Jamie
Jennifer
Dr.
BOARD OF DIRECTORS
Effie Kavadas
Marlene
Jen Thomas
John Veldkamp
Shane Phillips
Meghan Clark
Dr. Lynn Gibson
WhoWeAre
Grief is the NORMAL, HEALTHY Reaction to Loss
There is no right or wrong way in grief, and allowing whatever is happening emotionally to be experienced can really help along the way Grief can feel very isolating, lonely, and overwhelming Grief can make us feel disoriented, and it can feel reassuring to know that what we ’ re experiencing is “normal ”
Grief Has NO TIMELINE
You will know when the the time is right to reach out and find support Anyone is welcome to join our programs at any point in time, whether a loss occurred last month or years ago We kept this in mind when creating our “drop-in” style support groups, where you can come and go as you please, and find the level of support that’s right for you.
PEER BASED Grief Support Group is About Connecting with Others
At HeartLight there is no diagnosing and there are no experts in the room, just people who have a shared human experience Come to connect with others who “get it”, and feel the power of peer based support Every individual deserves the opportunity to grieve in a supportive and understanding environment
NO BARRIERS to Support
If you have the courage to call, we do our best to remove barriers While we offer a wide array of support, if we don’t have what you are looking for, we will do everything possible to find a resource for you
AT HEARTLIGHT YOU WILL FIND:
First Steps Seminars:
Helpful information and resources for handling estate matters including; gathering documents, obtaining social security benefits, making life insurance claims, asset liquidation, and more
Open “Drop-In” Support Groups:
Open, drop-in groups invite people to come together with those who have similar losses Participants may attend as often or as little as needed and discussions are personalized to fit the needs of each group
Weekly Closed Group Support:
Weekly, closed-group series follow a pre-defined curriculum to help guide group discussions and topics for each meeting Including our flagship 4-week program “Facing the Mourning ”
Workshops for Grief Support:
Educational and experiential workshops that explore various topics, methods for coping, and activities for anyone who has had a loss Workshops are offered as a series or one time program
Educational Signature Series:
Presentations lead by experts on various grief and loss topics Intended for grief professionals, volunteer caregivers, and anyone who has experienced a loss
Resources:
Recommended books, podcasts, websites, videos, and printable grief support information
TRAUMA THERAPIES: WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW
PURPOSE
Trauma is an emotional response to a distressing event, that can feel like a pervasive problem. Licensed, trained therapists use different approaches, or modalities, to work with people to process their trauma. Selecting a therapist can feel overwhelming, so we wanted to share information about several therapeutic modalities therapists use, and which may be options for care.
Name: Brainspotting
Primary Tools:
Eye movement, music (optional)
Name:
Eye Movement Desensitization & Reprocessing (EMDR)
Primary Tools:
Bilateral movements: Visual, tactile, audio or a combination of movements + talk therapy
Name: Neurofeedback (aka EEG Biofeedback)
Primary Tool:
Computer technology for selfobservation of brain wave activity
There's no one-size-fits-all approach to healing, and exploring different therapeutic techniques can be a crucial step in finding the support that resonates with you While HeartLight offers peer based support to help you navigate these options, we ' ve compiled brief descriptions of some common therapeutic approaches Understanding these methods can empower you to make informed decisions about your own healing journey and find the path that best supports your unique needs
Name: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Primary Tools:
Thought records, behavioral experiments, and cognitive restructuring
CBTreliesondevelopmentofcopingskillstoreducethegriefandtraumaexperienced Intheprocess,thoughtsarereframed,helpinginstillasenseof control CBTcanbeavailableingroupformat
Primary Tools: Talk therapy to include: mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation and interpersonal awareness
Grief and trauma are separate reactions to loss and overwhelming life experiences, respectively. However, they are often intricately connected and can show up together. Understanding how they intersect can help us navigate the healing process with greater compassion and clarity.
Grief - a reaction to a loss
It can stem from the loss of a loved one, a job, an experience, a community, or even an identity It can include emotional, physical, cognitive, and social elements
Trauma - something that happens to you
It’s an overwhelming life experience that is beyond your capacity to handle. It can leave lasting imprints on the mind and body, sometimes leading to posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
Common symptoms of PTSD include intrusive images, hyper-arousal, re-experiencing, numbness, and avoidance, whereas grief often manifests as sadness, anger, guilt, difficulty concentrating, loneliness, and withdrawal Grief can be anticipatory, complicated, and collective On the other hand, trauma can be acute, chronic, complex, transgenerational, and collective
While grief and trauma are not the same, they frequently coexist Trauma often carries an element of grief the loss of safety, stability, relationships, or a sense of belonging When you experience a loss and have grief, however, it isn’t always associated with trauma In other words, you can go through grief that is not traumatic, but most traumas include grief Grief is certainly a painful, arduous process to go through, but it isn’t necessarily traumatic
Traumatic grief is when the loss is traumatic in nature, or when the loss activates an unresolved trauma from the past For example, losing a child in an accident is likely to result in traumatic grief, whereas losing an elderly parent after a long illness, though deeply painful, may not be traumatic Traumatic grief is dependent on the circumstances around the loss and the individual’s perception of the loss One person may experience a loss traumatically whereas a different person may experience the same loss as sad and painful, but not necessarily traumatizing.
Because grief and trauma share some overlapping systems – sadness, anger, guilt, loneliness, irritability, insomnia, and depression – it can be difficult to distinguish between them. Generally, I recommend processing the trauma first and then moving through the grieving process. However, each person is unique and it’s important to follow their lead on which order is best for them. Often it is necessary to process both at the same time, moving back and forth between dealing with the trauma and moving through the grief. The most important thing to remember is that healing doesn’t happen on a strict timeline – it’s about honoring your experience and allowing space for both grief and trauma, while finding support along the way
MEET THE AUTHOR, FRANK ANDERSON, MD
Dr. Frank Anderson is a world-renowned trauma expert, Harvard-trained psychiatrist and global speaker. He is the co-author of the IFS Skills Training Manual (2017), acclaimed best-selling author of Transcending Trauma (2021) and newly released memoir, To Be Loved: A Story of Truth, Trauma and Transformation (2024). Dr Anderson has a long affiliation with Bessel van der Kolk at the Trauma Research Foundation and is a lead trainer at the IFS Institute under Richard Schwartz. He is passionate about teaching brain-based psychotherapy and integrating current neuroscience knowledge with cutting edge models of therapy
Dr Anderson believes that traumatic events can have a lasting effect on the health and well-being of individuals and that addressing these events will help lead people down a path of love, connection and unity He is the director and cofounder of the Trauma Institute (traumainstitute com) and Trauma-Informed Media (traumainformedmedia com), organizations that provide educational resources and promote trauma awareness As a result of his early childhood experiences and personal journey transformation, he is dedicated to bringing more trauma healing to the world He splits his time between Boston and Los Angeles where he lives with his husband and two sons Follow him at FrankAndersonMD com and on Instagram at frank andersonmd
HeartLight Support Group Spotlight:
Sudden & Traumatic Loss
GROUP DESCRIPTION:
A group for adult individuals navigating the complexities of sudden, traumatic, and unexpected loss. Join a supportive environment where others understand grief associated with a death loss in which accident, medical circumstances, substance use/abuse, or violent events were part of the life/death narrative Learn more and register on our website
ABOUT THE FACILITATORS:
DAVID WINIECKI
Having been in the corporate and education coaching and counseling environments for over 40 years, I valued the opportunities to listen to and support individuals in their careers. Upon retirement and after having lost two spouses in the past four years, I have been honored to offer myself to those grieving the loss of loved ones. Each Sudden and Traumatic Loss Group offers an opportunity to offer a safe and sacred space to those attempting to understand and accept their losses and begin the process of restoring meaningful and joyful lives It is a privilege to work with HeartLight
JODI LACROIX
Ten years ago I suffered the sudden and traumatic loss of my beloved husband, John, due to a home improvement accident. I sought out counseling, and my therapist suggested that I find a grief support group to help enhance the work we were doing for my grief and trauma journey A hospice in Boulder County offered a Sudden Loss Grief Group It was one of only a few Sudden Loss Grief Groups in the entire country After being a group member for a number of years I was asked to become a co-facilitator. I am passionate about giving a safe space to those of us who have gone through a devastating sudden & traumatic loss. Our entire world is destroyed in an instant, and we can not ever find our way back to the old life that we had. We didn't have time to prepare, and yet we have to somehow find our way forward again. Sudden loss encompasses all different types of losses and includes folks from every walk of life We bond with each other, knowing that each of us understands the unusual circumstances we unexpectedly find ourselves in I'm very grateful to HearLight Grief Center for giving me the opportunity to co-facilitate this online group. It's always an honor for me to share this group space with those of us who struggle with this different type of loss.
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A HeartLight Testimonial
art to Hea
Traumatic Loss and Expected Grief & My Experiences with Both
I remember the day so vividly. It’s still a shock to the system sometimes – I remember freezing at the sight on Facebook I recall the tension in my chest, the gurgling and tightening in my stomach A confusion cloud filtering into my brain Something was more than wrong My husband texted me, “Weird, Vicky called me ” Jon’s sister She must have news I called him urgently, “Please call her back immediately, something is wrong with Jon I saw a post on Facebook ” I described what I saw to him. He hesitated and said he’d call me back. I had to transition into a work meeting, but alarm bells were blaring in my heart and mind Flipping immediately through my rolodex of conversations with Jon, I couldn’t focus on the person in front of me despite best efforts My mind was elsewhere, my soul dissociated, tears sprung in my eyes threatening to spill over, words couldn’t form with any sort of eloquence I fought so hard to stay professional for one more miserable hour... I just had to make it through this one meeting.
Then my phone buzzed and my entire being sank. I knew intuitively that the news was bad
I wrapped up the meeting right on the dot, and once I was able, I called my husband. He let out a sound like nothing I’ve heard from him before. Something so guttural and primal – a part of him being ripped out alive, while his best and closest friend, brother by choice, was in a coroner ’ s office
To this day I hate how I learned the news Someone I don’t know posting a picture with a caption “We’ll miss you. ” Once word was confirmed with me that Jon had died, I felt immediate and likely irrational rage at that person for their insensitivity How dare you post something on social media when the family hasn’t even gotten to call others – to notify us, his kin! His extended family My husband closer to him than anyone Who the hell do you think you are, random social media poster? I recognize now that my anger was displaced, but in the moment I was practically blind with rage.
I remember traveling as fast as I could from my office at the time, that was in Castle Rock, to get back to Denver to be with my husband The entire time tears streaming endlessly down my face “You be with him” I kept saying over and over again, pleading with whatever spirit of Jon may have been present Part of me felt irrational, screaming into a void as highway speeds couldn’t go fast enough, the other part of me hoping that if any part of Jon was still around his spirit could maybe hold my husband in this moment when I couldn’t.
The days following are still a fog In reconciling that he was now dead –he went from there to not there, existing to gone – we drank and smoked and cried and numbed and slept and panicked and rode this intense emotional roller coaster. There were so many unanswered questions. Not just “when will the funeral be?” but the “Why?” “How?” And trying to determine if there was a source of blame, other than just life throwing too many blows to a highly sensitive being who was struggling deeply I kept wishing we could rewind the clock, go up and get him, bring him into our home, love him harder and hold him here
There was so much happening for Jon at that period of time He was in Nebraska, his father had died and he was working on the home he inherited to make it his own But then the floods happened Jon was living out of his car because the house wasn’t habitable They – the neighborhood – was waiting for support I kept asking him to come down and stay with us, come for a visit. But he never wanted to be a burden The house in Nebraska was supposed to be a new start for him But the sense of purpose in his life, the feeling of being afloat with no anchor, working through loss after loss in his life It had gotten to be too much He couldn’t hold on in this life anymore And with that, he was swept away
I know it’s not possible to go back in time.
Meaning, I know my head knows it My heart is still wishing for one last moment with him, seeking something to better fill this hole Despite the years passing, and while my grief has shifted and changed shape over time, I still confront the shock that he is gone That he won’t be coming down for a visit. He won’t meet our kids or watch them grow, missing the chance to be their uncle. He won’t go on the trip to Ireland he had been planning, he won’t see another concert with my husband The things we miss about him, and the things he is missing because of leaving this life too soon So young and in so much pain My heart has broken and rebroken for this loss over and over again for years
The last words he said to me were “I love you guys!” and I replied “We love you too! We miss you, when are you coming to visit?” A message he never replied to I can’t help but cry now as I write this His absence is profound and palpable, and his death left so many “whys” and “what could have beens ” He died in his car, alone I hope he knew how loved he is, how precious his life was to us Did he die thinking the world better off? I sure hope not – but we won’t know those final moments for him. He took those to his grave.
I recognize now that it was a matter of “when” not “if” for Jon He always said he had a feeling he would die young, but when asked point blank to expand on that, he would always reassure me that he wouldn’t harm himself He was making plans for his future, which always made us feel relief. We just didn’t know it was a future he wasn’t going to live. I don’t think he knew he wasn’t going to be living it either
Oh Jon… sweet guy. We miss you.
When I reflect back on expected or anticipatory losses, there are many in my life all the way back to very earl childhood that I think back to, remembering many special people fondly In expanding on one story, I’ll share about my Uncle Skip
Uncle Skip was an army vet, having served in deployments with my father – saved him a time or two from my understanding, though there are details of wartime stories that I know I’ll never actually hear about However, true to military form, family in some cases is absorbed –“ we take care of our own ” Skipper became like another father to me He would always check in on my mom, on the kids
We learned he was diagnosed with lung cancer from exposure to Agent Orange Eventually we knew it would take his life In the meantime, we were comforted by notes on Facebook, and periodic calls when he was feeling up for it We’d always exchange holiday cards and had little ways of keeping track of each other
He went from boisterous and alive, full of military pride, to slowly making his way to hospice care, a steady and very sad decline When I received word when he was officially admitted to home hospice care, I knew a visit to see him was required I took my, at the time, toddler-aged son and mother with me down for a visit I will cherish that visit It was the last time I got to see him, though he lived a little bit longer still
During this visit, we chatted and shared about current life. My son explored Skip’s house with me on his heels My mother and Skip hugged and shared time together in quiet voices There was love and sadness in the room with us Skip offered juice to my son, who picked out watermelon juice “My favorite,” Uncle Skip claimed I don’t know if it actually was, but it was a pure and sweet moment
I got to give him a final hug and kiss on the cheek I told him I love him and thanked him for our visit I cried on the way home with my mom, bittersweet tears, knowing that he will be loved and missed, his life cherished by those who know him Upon his death, he was surrounded by love, family close and holding him as he died
On the one-year milestone following Skip’s death, I was at the grocery store on the phone with my mother and out of the blue spotted watermelon juice in the cooler – the first time I had seen it since our visit I burst into tears and my mother made the correlation that it had been a year She and I shared a little cry, remembering him together, and expressing gratitude for that final visit together To this day we have moments of remembrance and love we share about dear Uncle Skip.
As a licensed counselor in Colorado, I also have the privilege of looking at these two losses from an academic lens as a mental health provider
From my years of study and research, logically I can appreciate the differences between these losses, not because either was easier than the other, but truly because they are so different And that I as a griever had very different aftercare with each loss – one traumatic, and the other very sad but not traumatic
All trauma has grief, but not all grief has trauma.
I can appreciate the fight/flight response that took over when I learned of Jon’s death It was so sudden and unexpected, there was a longer period of shock and denial that stayed with me, my brain doing exactly what it was designed to
When trauma is experienced, we go into survival mode, and we are neurobiologically designed to be in shock and denial longer to process what happened and assess safety I was in disbelief that Jon had died
It didn’t seem possible – and sometimes to this day still feels surreal despite that it has been years. There is a different disorientation and intensity to a traumatic, sudden loss and there can be a longer period of adjustment to integrate it back into daily life.
When I learned of Uncle Skip’s death, I was sad but didn’t have the intense trauma-response that I experienced when Jon died I knew Skip was dying, and that there would be an adjustment to his absence, and I’m sad that he died and so grateful that he lived I had time to prepare for the call I would eventually get So while the day the call actually came was a surprise, it also wasn’t a surprise
I got to have a goodbye with one, and felt robbed of a goodbye with the other I could accept in time the anticipation of loss due to cancer caused by a terrible substance used in a war that shouldn’t have been. I have struggled to accept the absence of another who “should” still be here, living life with us, going to concerts, watching beloved nieces and nephews grow I still sift through debris in my brain, trying to rectify the “wish I could haves,” and always rediscover how sad I am all over again at a life that couldn’t have been saved I sought therapy support almost immediately after John’s death, and struggled through that loss in therapy for quite a while. The added support was simply needed in order to get some traction in life moving forward
In both instances, I can say they are out of pain The suffering for their lives has ended I am grateful for an end to the pain they were in, that was so different for both I am grateful to have both of these important people in my life and I am honored to remember them, and share stories of their lives with my kids and others that I sit with in groups I will always wish for more time with both and am grateful for who they are and what they mean to me Their deaths have furthered the depth of the work I do with others who are grieving, another layer of remembrance I give back to them and the legacies of their lives, and how meaningful to share about them with others in the community.
Thank you for hearing these stories.
WHY THEY CARE: THE HEART BEHIND OUR SUPPORT
Our sponsors see the value in our mission and believe in a world where everyone has access to grief support. In this edition of The HeartLight Highlight, we ' re going beyond just saying "thank you. " We're sharing the "why" behind their support, giving you a glimpse into the hearts of those who make our work possible.
Bloom Healthcare
“Bloom Hospice and HeartLight Center share a deeply aligned mission and set of values centered on compassion, support, and education for individuals facing end of life and those grieving a loss
By working together, Bloom Hospice ensures that families receive ongoing grief support through HeartLight Center, while HeartLight Center extends Bloom Hospices care beyond the patient’s passing, reinforcing the idea that support does not end with loss, it transforms into healing ”
-Lisa Studebaker, LCSW - Support Services Manager
The Joe and Susi Reynolds Empowerment Fund
“I support HeartLight because I truly feel like it saves lives
After losing my husband, Joe, in 2017, I attended a HeartLight Center Support Group where I felt an overwhelming sense of validation I left group knowing I'm not alone, I'm not crazy, and there are others experiencing the same things as me HeartLight gave me more than just a safe space to grieve; it gave me a community, lifelong friends, and a renewed sense of purpose Now, I'm proud to be an advocate, a donor, and serve on the event planning committee It's my way of carrying on Joe's legacy of helping others and finding joy in giving back ”
-Sue Reynolds
Horan & McConaty Funeral Service
“Grief shared is grief diminished.” This simple quote sums up why Jennifer McBride, my mother Valerie, and I started the HeartLight Center. HeartLight exists to serve people struggling with their grief, filling gaps in publicly available support. We are proud of Jenn Flaum, Board Chair Jamie McConaty and the HeartLight Board of Directors, and their team of staff and volunteers who continue to expand the reach of HeartLight, making important differences in people’s lives every day.”
-John Horan - Founder, Horan Family of Companies
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If you would like to donate in memory of your loved one, please scan:
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WAYS TO SUPPORT HEARTLIGHT: UPCOMING EVENTS
FOURTH ANNUAL GOLF TOURNAMENT
JUNE 30TH, 2025
Shotgun Start: 10:00 AM
Price Per Person: $275
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SEPTEMBER 20TH, 2025
Start Time: 5:30 pm
Ticket Per Person: $75
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