How to stop resentment building in your relationship Occasional arguments can be a natural part of our relationships, but is there a way to avoid upset and imbalances before they develop into something more? Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
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omantic relationships can be tricky things. From keeping track of the dayto-day, to the dozens of tasks and responsibilities on our plates (such as remembering the birthday of a family member you’ve never even met), relationships can come with a lot of added responsibilities. For many, the imbalance in emotional labour that can develop leaves us feeling exhausted, overstretched, stressed, and fedup. As counsellor Laurele Mitchell explains, when we feel that the balance of our responsibilities within a relationship is off, it can lead to a whole host of problems. “It’s incredibly stressful to take responsibility for someone else, to remember everything that needs to be done – never mind to do it – especially if we subjugate our own needs in the process,” Laurele explains. “It can lead to
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bitterness and resentment, being critical, and even contemptuous of our partner, which all have the potential to damage the relationship, especially if our partner is blissfully unaware of the problem!” Communication is key The more stressed and under pressure we feel, the more likely we are to bottle things up. After all, how can those around us not see how overwhelmed we are? Yet when we let these feelings and overall sense of discontent build, we risk making ourselves feel worse. “Effective communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, and the antidote to the impact of emotional labour,” Laurele says. But how can we start to do this, if the effects of emotional labour are already being felt? “Firstly, articulating your feelings honestly and respectfully
to your partner, with the view of understanding one another, rather than apportioning blame, can actually deepen the relationship, even if it feels risky at first. Secondly, honouring our feelings enough to articulate them to another is empowering and reminds us that we matter, too.” ...but how we communicate with each other can differ Relationship expert and counsellor, Dr Kalanit BenAri explains that while communication is key, how we express ourselves (and our needs) can vary greatly. “When talking about emotional labour in a relationship, it’s important to note that women and men express and regulate their emotions differently. It’s not that one gender is better than the other, just that we communicate emotions in what can appear to be different languages, and
