Discover the power of a fresh perspective
Spot the signs of emotional numbing mode on
Enter the equation
Does the formula for a 'perfect day' actually work?
Recharge when digital dating drains you
Feelingtrapped?
Zoochosis could explain it
Whether it’s making mountains out of molehills, or sweating the small stuff, I’m sure all of us have got caught up in the little things in life. We spiral on the details, worry about the consequences, or fear decisions will result in disaster.
In the moment, these thoughts can loom over us like a colossal shadow, draining the colour from the world. But what may feel like an ominous storm above, could just be a passing cloud –one we may not even remember in an hour, if we let it pass us by.
When I get into that mental space of frustration or anger, I have a habit of spiralling during my lunch time dog walks, role-playing conflict in my head, inevitably working myself up even more.
But, on this particular day, I’d edited our piece on perspective and the power of awe (p24), and the sentiment stuck with me. I relinquished the requisite to ruminate, and, instead, soaked in my surroundings. I relished the present.
The gentle breeze bringing a scent of summer in the air. The sun glistening off a pool of water as a bee drifts hazily by. My dog’s excitement at sniffing a patch of grass he’s passed a thousand times before, suddenly contagious as I appreciate his moment of joy.
And without even noticing it, my mind (and mood) had moved on.
Do you remember the thing that stressed you out on a random Tuesday four years ago? Did that one awkward comment actually taint your entire relationship with a new friend? When that opportunity fell through, was it the end of the world?
When we take in the bigger picture, our perspective shift can be groundbreaking. And that’s what you’ll uncover throughout this issue – whether it’s a fresh take on regrets (p56), gaining empowerment in the doctor’s office (p68), or recognising what feeling trapped can do to our mood and behaviour (p12).
WB Yeats said: “The world is full of magic things, patiently waiting for our senses to grow sharper.”
When we embrace, and encourage, our sense of awe, we open ourselves up to the intrinsically beautiful complexity of life. So, throughout these pages, I hope you learn that being part of something bigger than us is truly a gift – and let go of the burden of feeling like the responsibility is all on your shoulders.
Ready to feel awe-inspired?
At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges
It might just offer you some relief to recognise the part we have to play in the world around us – but at the same time, the spotlight isn’t always on us. W | happiful.com F | happifulhq X | @happifulhq
REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
| @happiful_magazine
12 Zoochosis
Your primal instincts are more important that you might think
16 Moral perfectionism
When being ‘good’ get complicated
24 Vantage points
Shift the way you see things by looking at the bigger picture
33 Emotionally numb
Turning inwards without tuning out
49 Recipe for happiness
Can this scientific formula really create the perfect day?
20 Therapy talk
Make the most of your next session
42 Calm in the storm
Supporting a child with eco anxiety
54 Riding the waves
Finding your emotional anchors
61 Are you stress sleeping?
72 Handling home schooling
Food & health
52 Turning up the heat
Why sauna bathing is booming
66 Brain-boosting bowl
Get ahead of afternoon slumps
75 Plantastic
Inventive ways to up your greens
22 Community corner
Meet the green-fingered group making local spaces bloom
28 Anxiety on your mind
Paul opens up about having OCD
30 Ask the experts
Can hypnotherapy help with arachnophobia?
56 Expert column
According to Bea Appleby, regrets can have a silver lining
58 Myths, debunked
Common misconceptions about the grieving process
68 Michelle Elman
Hold your own in the face of medical gaslighting
People to cherish
Get puzzling
40 Forever friends
How to prioritise pals in those hazy days of a new romance
48 Master manipulator
Five red flags to be aware of 80 Dating app-athy Facing the fatigue of digital romance
Dealing with discrimination
Living with cancer
Safe space for stammering
83 See things differently
Take a fresh angle on life and find a way forward, using our guided journaling pages
Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.
We experience the world through our own unique lens. However, the ability to experience it from an alternative perspective provides excellent insight that can create positive shifts in our lives. Check out p24 to explore this further. By allowing ourselves to experience alternative perspectives, it creates space for something new, which can lead to profound personal growth.
Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue
AMIE PARRY-JONES
BA MSc DipCNM MBANT MCNHC
Amie is a female health and eating disorder nutritionist, researcher, and public speaker.
CHANTAL DEMPSEY
BA (Hons)
Chantal is an award-winning master life coach, NLP coach, and hypnotherapist.
AMANDA CHARLES
BSc (Hons) MSc CPsychol PGDip
MICHELLE WAKERELL
DipHyp DipCP SQHP GHR Reg CNHC
Michelle is a counsellor, psychotherapist, and clinical hypnotherapist.
TINA CHUMMUN
MSc MUKCP
Tina is an accredited psychotherapist and trauma specialist.
EDITORIAL
Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief
Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor
Fiona Fletcher Reid | Features Editor
Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant
Kat Nicholls | Brand & Integrity Manager
Bonnie Evie Gifford | Content Writer & Editor
Bea Appleby, Michelle Elman | Columnists
Ellen Lees | Head of Content
Natalie Holmes | Sub-Editor
Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor
ART & DESIGN
Charlotte Noel | Design & Commerce Manager
Rosan Magar | Illustrator & Videographer
Ellen Foster | Graphic Designer
COMMUNICATIONS
Alice Greedus | PR Manager
NADIA DILUZIO
FdSc MBACP
Nadia is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in workplace mental health.
DR ALI ROSS
DProf MUKCP
Ali is a psychotherapist and the founder of Caya Therapy practice in Peckham.
AMANDA SERIF
DipNT RCNHC MBSIO MBANT
Amanda is a registered nutritionist with a special interest in hormonal and metabolic health.
Amanda is a chartered counselling psychologist and best-selling author. Word
HANNAH CHERIFORD
BSc MBACP
Hannah is a neuro-affirming, inclusive counsellor, offering pluralistic therapy and supervision.
LINZI LITTLEFORD
MA PGDip MBACP
Linzi is a counsellor using a psychodynamic approach to therapy.
BEA APPLEBY
BSc (Hons) Dip MBACP
Bea is a humanistic counsellor, working with adults and couples.
SARAH JAMES
BA(Hons) DipCouns MBACP
Sarah is a psychotherapeutic counsellor and holistic practitioner.
Emily Whitton | Content & Multimedia Editor
CONTRIBUTORS
Ashley Broadwater, Caroline Butterwick, Paul Carter, Jenna Farmer, Kerry Law, Amie Parry-Jones, Alison Powell, Samantha Redgrave Hogg, Lydia Smith, Holly Treacy-West, Lucy Pearson, Michelle Wakerell
SPECIAL THANKS
Heidi Bristow, Stephen Buckley, Amanda Charles, Hannah Cheriford, Judith, Tina Chummun, Chantal Dempsey, Nadia DiLuzio, Anna Gailey, Laura Greenwood, Hendrix Hammond, Sarah James, Hattie Jones, Anna Lewandowska-Bernat, Linzi Littleford, Eimear O’Mahony, Emma O’Kelly, Dr Ali Ross, Amanda Serif, Keith Howitt
MANAGEMENT
Amy-Jean Burns | Chief Executive Officer Claire Vince | Chief Operations Officer
SUBSCRIPTIONS
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CONTACT
Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com
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A new art project is bringing awareness to very real, yet often misunderstood, conditions such as myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME) and long Covid, along with the challenges people experiencing them must navigate.
Recognising the difficulty many of these people face with getting out and about to explore the places they love, due to the debilitating symptoms, the project looks to reflect this by featuring a mirrored box which travels around the UK to places that ME or long Covid sufferers have said they would love to visit, if their symptoms weren’t preventing them. It aims to allow those who often feel absent and unseen, to, instead, feel heard and connected to others in a creative and engaging way.
The powerful installation is made from two-way mirrors, which allow you to see out while remaining hidden inside – it’s a
design which has been cleverly created to symbolise being present and feeling absent at the same time. Inside, you can listen to a message recorded by the individual about why they have chosen that place, and you can even write a postcard back.
This nationwide project, I Would Be Here if I Could, was created by Bristol-based artist Alison
Larkman, who has ME. Following a flare-up which left her housebound for months, it led her to reflect on where she would like to be if she was able.
To learn more about the project and find out where the mirrorbox is travelling next, visit iwouldbehereificould.com/ mirrorbox-journey.
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
The UK government has outlined plans to ban the destructive practice of bottom trawling in more Marine Protected Areas across English seas.
New measures are being discussed in a consultation, and would help protect rare marine animals, as well as the seabeds on which they rely, from the damage that is often caused by this destructive fishing method that involves dragging large nets along the seafloor.
A variety of habitats could be protected, resulting in support for important marine species such as lobsters, clams, soft corals, and langoustines. The ban would help conserve valuable and rare marine life, allowing seabeds to recover from harm caused by previous fishing practices.
The hope is that regeneration could produce healthier marine ecosystems across English waters, supporting greater biodiversity in our seas for the enjoyment of everyone, as well as preserving vulnerable underwater life that is essential for nature to thrive.
The executive director of Oceana UK, Hugo Tagholm, says: “Destructive bottom trawling has no place in marine protected areas. These proposals provide a golden opportunity to safeguard these vital marine sanctuaries from the most damaging fishing practices.”
The consultation was launched on 9 June by the Marine Management Organisation, in partnership with the Department for Environment, and will run for 12 weeks. This represents a significant step towards restoring our marine ecosystems, offering hope that future generations will come to inherit healthier, more vibrant seas, teeming with wildlife.
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
A new study from the University of Missouri suggests that hope may be even more important than happiness or gratitude when it comes to living a meaningful life.
The research, published in the journal Emotion, was based on six studies with more than 2,300 participants from diverse backgrounds.
Researchers analysed a variety of emotions, including contentment, amusement, excitement, and happiness. Their findings revealed that the only consistent predictor of a stronger sense of meaning in life was hope.
“Our research shifts the perspective on hope from merely a cognitive process related to goal attainment to recognising it
as a vital emotional experience that enriches life’s meaning,” says Megan Edwards, now a postdoctoral researcher at Duke University, who led the study alongside Laura King.
Laura added that experiencing meaning is an essential part of psychological functioning, and predicts a range of outcomes, including happiness, high-quality relationships, higher income, and improved physical health.
As a result of their findings, researchers recommend cultivating hope daily. Suggestions include: appreciating the small positive moments; seizing opportunities; recognising ongoing progress; taking part in caring and nurturing activities,
such as looking after children, gardening, or taking on long-term projects that require time and patience.
Future research aims to explore the power of hope in difficult times, with the aim of developing strategies to nurture hope, especially amid adversity.
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
We are in a ‘golden age’ of progress in cancer research, according to new analysis from Cancer Research UK (CRUK). New advances in diagnosis and treating the disease have led to a remarkable improvement in survival rates, which have doubled in the UK since the 1970s.
The report, released in June, highlights that half of those diagnosed now live 10 years or more – a milestone that marks a dramatic shift in outcomes. The
study is the first of its kind to look at 50 years of data on cancer and mortality. It reveals a striking 22% drop in death rates over the past five decades, underlining the significant progress made in prevention, early detection, and treatment.
CRUK chief executive Michelle Mitchell says, “As this report sets out, it is a time of both optimism and realism. We’re in a golden age for cancer research, with advances in digital, genomics, data science,
and AI reimagining what’s possible, and bringing promise for current and future generations.”
Although more people are being diagnosed (with nearly one in two of us being diagnosed in our lifetimes), the chances of survival are higher than ever. So, while cancer continues to have an impact on us all, with ongoing advances and increasing awareness, the future is looking a little brighter.
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
In a milestone for animal welfare, Project 1882 in Sweden now means the country is the first to go cage-free for egg-laying hens, without a legal ban
After being told they had ‘no chance’ of survival, premature twins Macie and Marcus Lee (born at 29 weeks) have made an incredible recovery after being the first to use a revolutionary new co-sleeping cot at Glasgow’s Royal Hospital for Children, in Scotland.
A dog in India may just have saved an entire village from a landslide. Rocky’s strange barking around midnight woke his owner, Lalit Kumar, who then saw the water and mud coming down the mountain outside. Lalit alerted all his 67 neighbours, who made it to higher ground before the landslide destroyed 12 out of the 17 homes in the village.
A 2025 Danish study in the ‘Annals of Internal Medicine’, which included more than 1 million children, has confirmed that routine childhood vaccines do not cause autism, debunking misinformation.
In an ingenious effort to increase Switzerland’s solar output by sevenfold (to reach 2035 climate goals), Swiss firm Sun-Ways has developed solar panels that fit into railway tracks.
A man with a severe speech disability has been able to speak with expression (and even sing!) for the first time, thanks to a groundbreaking brain implant that uses AI to decode his electrical brain activity. Published in Nature, the study reports that the synthetic voice, which mimicks the participant’s own, was able to speak within 10 milliseconds of neural activity – where previous tech took 3 seconds – and allows for tone changes and questions.
Australia is set to become the first country in the world to remove all sexual activitybased restrictions on plasma donation
Three new species of frogs have been found by scientists in remote peaks of the Andes of Peru
After discovering that nine-year-old Kasey Zachmann, who has been battling brain cancer since she was five years old, may only have weeks to live, her family told their neighbours that all they wanted was one last Christmas together – and so residents in Bethesda, Maryland, pulled out all the stops in June to deliver some midsummer magic. The streets were adorned with Christmas lights, which took the family two hours to drive around, with some neighbours outside cheering them on, despite the rain. To really put on a show, 24 firetrucks drove over to Kasey’s house, with Santa Claus sitting on top of an antique fire engine to greet Kasey, who wore a Nutcracker-themed dress for the occasion.
A study from the University of Sydney offers new insight into potential treatments for mood disorders, after revealing that 23% of participants (69 youngsters seeking mental health care) experienced disrupted internal body clocks – akin to ‘jet lag’ – despite not having crossed any time zones.
At just 15 years old, Owen Cooper, star of Adolescence, has become the youngest ever supporting actor Emmy nominee
The global suicide rate has declined by 35% since 2000, according to a new report by the World Health Organization, Suicide Worldwide in 2021: Global Health Estimates. While this offers a promising outlook, it still isn’t enough to meet the Sustainable Development Goal Target of a one-third reduction by 2030. Additionally, the report notes the gender disparity – with the rate of male deaths by suicide twice as high as women’s.
We might be in the digital age, but Gen Alpha is still conscious about cutting down on screen time. A survey of 20,000 youngsters and their parents, across 18 countries, by research platform GWI, found that the number of 12 to 15-year-olds actively taking breaks from digital devices is 40%, up from 22% in 2022.
Spain and France have joined a coalition of countries (including Barbados, Somalia, and Antigua) pushing to tax private jets and premium class flights, in order to raise money for climate action – with estimates suggesting that taxing private jet fuel across the globe could raise €41 billion each year.
People often joke that owners look like their pets, but now a study in Personality and Individual Differences has confirmed it! Researchers revealed that strangers were able to match photos of owners and their dogs, even when only seeing their eyes. It’s believed that we are drawn to pets that resemble us physically initially, but, over time, our personalities develop more similarities, too.
Are we suffering from a human form of zoochosis?
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
As a child, I loved going to the zoo. Seeing exotic breeds like rhinos and giraffes was magical, and cemented my love for animals –but as an adult, I can’t help but see zoos in a different light. How do these creatures cope when they are removed from their natural habitat? Can they ever really be happy spending their lives living in an enclosure?
According to the late actor and animal rights activist Bill Travers, many of them suffer from ‘zoochosis’ – a term that describes the obsessive, repetitive behaviours often displayed by wild animals that are held in captivity. He concluded that the behaviours (such as pacing, circling, swaying, head-bobbing, necktwisting, bar-biting, featherplucking, over-grooming, and excessive licking and chewing) were evidence of captivityinduced neurosis.
With research published by the Institute of Practitioners in Advertising stating that the average Brit spends a staggering 18 hours and 43 minutes at home every day, and one in four
people in England experiencing a mental health problem each year, it got me thinking: are some of our human behaviours a result of metaphorical captivity?
Although zoochosis is a term reserved exclusively for animals, numerous studies have confirmed that, as humans, we’re happier and healthier when we live in connection with nature – whether that’s eating whole foods, spending time outdoors, making physical contact with the earth, or honouring the seasonal, rhythmic patterns of life.
Our bodies have evolved for movement and natural light cycles, yet research from Bupa found that two in five adults in the UK spend less than an hour a day outdoors, with lack of access to green spaces having a knockon effect on mental and physical health. Meanwhile, artificial lighting found in homes and offices can impact melatonin levels and sleep quality.
More than a third of adults naturally crave more sleep during winter, according to a
survey by the American Academy of Sleep Medicine, but our bedtime and waking schedules are often determined by employers and family demands, putting constraints in place that leave us feeling trapped. We’re also wired for play – an aspect of human nature that is often conditioned out of us as we become adults, relegated to a few hours a week, or ending up becoming a monetised side-hustle to address the rising cost of living. When animals are placed in cages that deny access to movement, daylight, natural sleep cycles, and play, they act out. Where a big cat might pace endlessly, humans scroll on social media. Where an alligator may stop eating, a human might do the same. And when you think about the ways that external forces stop you from enjoying simple pleasures – such as an afternoon hike instead of looking at a computer screen – you too may want to gnaw frantically on the metaphorical bars that keep you trapped. Yet, very few of us have the privilege or the means to escape the entrenched systems that oppress us. >>>
OUR BEDTIME AND WAKING SCHEDULES ARE OFTEN DETERMINED BY EMPLOYERS AND FAMILY DEMANDS, PUTTING CONSTRAINTS IN PLACE THAT LEAVE US FEELING TRAPPED
In the same way that animals can show signs of unhelpful, sometimes harmful, coping mechanisms as a result of mental stress, humans can, too. For example, someone who doesn’t feel they match up to society’s idea of beauty may engage in negative selftalk, or even develop an eating disorder. Similarly, a parent who is struggling financially may turn to substance abuse as a way to temporarily soothe the emotional discomfort. But it can also be more subtle.
“If you notice increased worry, stress, or even feelings of numbness, it could be a sign that you are enduring a stressful environment,” says counsellor Hannah Cheriford. She also notes that “when we are pushing through, the way we think about ourselves can change”.
Are you noticing that you talk in ‘shoulds’ about yourself?
Minimising your anger by saying you ‘should’ be grateful? Or dismissing your grief by saying you ‘should’ be OK?
“Shoulds are a warning sign that we are managing our needs through shame and criticism,” says Hannah. “Though this can help motivate you in the immediate moment, over time it creates low self-esteem, exhaustion, and suffering.”
You might notice that you give yourself a hard time for not matching up to external (often imagined and/or unrealistic) expectations. Hannah emphasises the need for self-compassion here. In the same way that an
animal with zoochosis deserves to be treated with care and dignity to restore their sense of wellbeing, so do you.
One practical technique, often used in compassionfocused therapy, is to witness your experience through a compassionate lens. Start with the physical experience by doing a mindful body scan. With every breath, gently focus on a different body part, working slowly from head to toe. Acknowledge each sensation without judgement – this acts as a permission slip for your body to just ‘be’, without the added pressures that fall on your shoulders every day.
“Many people have learned to override or reject their needs to stay functional,” explains Hannah. “Focusing on your physical presence, and pausing to scan your body and notice how it feels in the present moment, can begin the process of reconnection.”
Any activity that helps you connect with your body is helpful, be that dancing, singing, climbing stairs, or playing with a pet. This reconnection with your physical needs can extend to sleeping patterns, too. Try to have one day a week where you wake up naturally without an alarm, and adjust bedtimes to allow for more sleep in the winter.
Another approach is to invest time in social connections. Historically, adults have always existed within communities – to combine resources, tell stories, and share cooking and
childrearing duties – so if you resonate with the ‘caged in’ feeling, connecting with others will likely be a powerful form of medicine.
Seek out people who share your values. Whether that’s a coffee with a colleague who gets the overbearing pressures of your industry, or volunteering to help clean up your local park. “These aren’t just social activities, they’re acts of repair,” says Hannah. “When we’re in safe, nourishing connection, we’re more able to stay anchored to what truly matters to us.”
Finally, any steps you can take to reclaim your autonomy will go a long way to improving your sense of freedom. Try saying no to a non-essential commitment this week, set boundaries around emails and social media use, and notice the moments where you have genuine choice – whether it’s taking the scenic route home, spending a few minutes gazing at a sunset, or choosing to breathe more deeply in the moment. The first step to freedom is recognising the bars of our cage.
The second is choosing, one small action at a time, to bend them until they break.
Hannah Cheriford is a neuro-affirming, inclusive counsellor. Connect via the Counselling Directory.
Whether well-intentioned or utterly intrusive, if someone has the habit of giving comments and critiques without you asking, here are 12 effective ways to reply
“I’ll keep that in mind.”
“That’s an interesting idea.”
“I’ll think about that.”
“I’m sure you mean well, but I’m not looking for suggestions.”
“This is personal, so it’s not something I’m comfortable discussing.”
“I respect your perspective, but I’m allowed to have my own as well. I don’t need to talk about it.”
“I can see where you’re coming from, but I’ve got this covered.”
“I’ve made up my mind already, so I’m all set.”
“This is my decision to make, so I’m not looking for other opinions right now.”
“That’s an interesting idea, thank you.”
“I hadn’t thought of it that way –I appreciate your suggestion.”
“Thanks for sharing – I’ll take that on board.”
Exhausted from always trying to do the ‘right’ thing? It could be ‘moral perfectionism’…
Writing | Ashley Broadwater
It’s good to want to do the right thing… right? Maybe you’re always nice to your co-workers, then the second you say something slightly critical, you profusely apologise or want to crawl into a hole. Perhaps you beat yourself up for an hour after throwing away plastic that could have been recycled. Maybe you’re so forgiving to your tetchy boss that it’s wearing you down. Whatever the situation is, you may feel like you have to do the ‘right’ thing 100% of the time –and if you don’t, you might find that feelings of self-blame and guilt overwhelm you.
Wanting to act in a way that’s aligned with solid morals is arguably a good thing – and according to a 2019 BBC survey, 70% of people in the UK believe a moral framework is important. However, taking it too far – AKA being a moral perfectionist – can come with the added fear of being perceived as a ‘bad person’ by others.
You know what perfectionism is: that incessant need to do something (maybe everything) without mistakes. How it shows up for each individual is unique –it may look like beating yourself up after forgetting to send an attachment on an important work email, or cleaning your home until it is immaculate. Moral perfectionism, on the other hand, is about wanting to do the right thing, the just thing, and the accompanying worry or panic that comes from being seen as a bad person.
For example, you may spend hours ruminating about the implications of a minor comment you made to a friend, worrying if it was offensive or hurt their feelings. You might feel shame when you’re the only person in your yoga class using a plastic bottle instead of an eco-friendly alternative. You might even find yourself in financial straits
because you’ve loaned money to someone in need, even when you couldn’t really afford to.
Being morally right can feel great. Shopping sustainably to help the planet, supporting mutual aid funds, or attending protests that lead to positive change can feel empowering. “For some, moral perfectionism can act as a coping mechanism, helping them channel their energy into meaningful actions and become better individuals,” says Anna Lewandowska-Bernat, a BACP-registered integrative psychotherapist. For example, maybe your depression has caused you to feel poorly about yourself, so you spend a lot of time volunteering. Or maybe you feel anxious about the state of the world, so you participate in grassroots organisations. Moral perfectionism can even stem from places of trauma and
pain. For example, someone who was physically disciplined as a child may obsess over being ‘good’ as a way to avoid the risk of being hurt again.
But even when it comes from a caring place and helps others, Anna is wary of labelling moral perfectionism as a good thing.
“Saying that moral perfectionism has positive effects is risky – just like claiming that alcohol or drugs have benefits,” says Anna.
“It can serve as a rationalisation, allowing someone to avoid facing the real issue.” Plus, like other kinds of perfectionism, it can become a harmful obsession.
Because moral perfectionism can look like a good thing, it’s hard to spot. We may tell ourselves we’re just trying to be better people when, in reality, we’re hurting ourselves in the process. “It’s a form of tough love we impose on ourselves, and
justifying it as something positive is like saying ‘I’m harsh (or even emotionally abusive) towards you because I love you,’” adds Anna. “That’s not OK.”
While moral perfectionism can be tricky and insidious, some common warning signs exist. According to Anna, those include:
• Emotional distress (increased anxiety, guilt, shame, selfblame, anger, loneliness)
• Depression and burnout (exhaustion, a lack of motivation, emotional numbness).
• Social withdrawal.
• Viewing mistakes as unacceptable failures.
• No longer enjoying hobbies and activities you used to, because they don’t align perfectly with your morals.
• Feelings of compulsion and obsession, in which you spend excessive time, energy, or money on pursuing moral perfectionism. >>>
Tackling this as soon as possible can make the ‘recovery’ process easier. “Like any unhealthy coping mechanism, perfectionism reinforces itself,” explains Anna. “Repeated behaviours become ingrained, making them harder to change.” Without this effort, says Anna, you may risk emotional suppression, social isolation, financial burden, psychosomatic symptoms, chronic fatigue, and burnout.
So, how do you break free from moral perfectionism? Thankfully, Anna is able to share several options you can explore.
It’s a form
Start observing when moral perfectionism shows up for you. This might be the urge to constantly apologise, excessive guilt after a small error, or blackand-white thinking about what’s right and wrong. Dig a little deeper
On the surface, moral perfectionist urges can feel like scratching an itch. But does it take over your life? What do you lose and gain? Keep a thought journal to observe the emotional impact. “This kind of ‘balance check’ helps clarify whether perfectionism is truly serving you, or causing harm,” explains Anna. “If your anxiety is high, and you’re losing joy in life, it’s a sign that deeper work is needed.”
This is easier said than done, but addressing the symptoms of moral perfectionism can
pave the way for making different choices. Try out different tools like meditation, breathing exercises, physical activity, progressive muscle relaxation, and even crafting to soothe overthinking.
When you berate yourself for not being perfect, it’s likely to negatively impact your selfesteem. To bring more balance, try giving yourself credit for the good things you have done by listing them.
Other ways to build selfesteem include actively prioritising your needs, gently pushing out of your comfort zone, and focusing on your positive qualities. Working with a qualified therapist or counsellor can help you question deep-rooted beliefs related to your self-perception, and make it easier to let go of perfectionist tendencies.
Taking these steps can be scary, but balancing your wellbeing with your morals is a new skill that will help in the long run. Just remember these words from Anna: “Moving away from perfectionism isn’t about giving up on doing good – it’s about learning to do good without anxiety, self-criticism, or fear.”
From a neuroscientist’s guide to understanding brain chemistry to a heartwarming memoir about raising a hare, don’t miss out on reading these four picks
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
What is the meaning of life? It’s a question that has likely crossed your mind at some point, and one that author James Bailey was determined to find the answers to following a period of great difficulty and uncertainty. On a
Flavour Heroes by
Gurdeep Loyal
You don’t have to be a Michelin-star chef to elevate your cooking; you just need to know about these 15 global pantry ingredients, and how to use them. Awardwinning food and travel writer Gurdeep Loyal opens our eyes to the endless concoctions that can come from them, with 90 recipes for dishes packed with flavour.
mission to seek clarity, James wrote to a number of well-known experts from various fields to find out, asking how they find purpose, fulfilment, and meaning in their lives.
In this compilation of letters, we hear from the likes of
Dose Effect by
TJ Power
You may have heard of our brains’ key chemicals – dopamine, oxytocin, serotonin, and endorphins – but do you know how to listen to them, and, more importantly, how to utilise them to transform your mental wellbeing?
Neuroscientist TJ Power shows us how to unlock their secret potential.
The Meaning of Life by
James Bailey
conservationist Dame Jane Goodall, who found meaning in her life by living among chimpanzees, to British astronaut Helen Sharman, who shares a lesson she learned upon her return from space.
Raising Hare by
Chloe Dalton
When political adviser and foreign policy specialist Chloe Dalton left the city and returned to the countryside during the Covid lockdowns, she didn’t expect her life to be transformed by an endangered baby hare. Shortlisted for the Women’s Prize for Non-Fiction 2025, Raising Hare is the tale of one rescue mission and an eternal bond.
When you’re stuck for words in therapy, don’t give up. Simply use these tips to gain clarity on what you want to say…
Writing | Lydia Smith Illustrating | Rosan Magar
It’s hard to know where to begin when you start therapy. Some people may arrive with a specific issue to discuss, and the session may go by in a flash, but, often, we find ourselves unsure of what to say.
“Many people struggle to know exactly what to talk about, or where to start,” says Laura Greenwood, a cognitive behavioural psychotherapist. “It’s natural to be nervous. You
may be talking about intimate experiences, which you may not have told anyone before. Often, these nerves settle once you feel safe with the therapist. Once you begin talking, and your therapist is listening and eager to support you, the words flow.”
To help ease you into things if you’re unsure of what to talk about, here are some things to consider when entering the therapy room.
It’s common to have an introductory session, so your therapist can better understand your needs. It can be helpful to write down any thoughts, worries, or feelings beforehand so you can refer back to them.
“In an initial appointment, I explore the key reasons for seeking therapy, and what you might be struggling with,”
says Laura. “Giving as much information as possible helps your therapist to devise a support plan that is going to be beneficial and personalised for you.”
It’s a common misconception that you should always bring a specific ‘problem’ to therapy, but you can also focus on goals. You may want to build your self-confidence at work, reduce stress, plan for early retirement, or find strategies for menopauserelated anxiety – whatever reasons you have are valid.
“We might seek therapy because something doesn’t feel right, or we’re struggling,” says Laura. “Therapists are also eager to know what it is you would like to change about your struggles, and what your goals are.”
If something is occupying your thoughts or stirring your emotions, it’s important to talk about it – whether it’s a change in living arrangements, relationship conflicts, a shift in workload, or caring for an elderly relative. Often, these challenges are ripe with potential for self-growth.
“Life challenges or recurring patterns that feel hard to break – and even fleeting or seemingly insignificant emotions – can all lead to valuable insights that facilitate healing,” says psychologist Amanda Charles.
Talking about a traumatic experience can be a crucial step
in processing it, but it can feel overwhelming. Remember that you are in control of what, how, and when you share. You may want to approach the subject in layers, by discussing how the event has affected you generally, before moving on to specifics.
“Start with what feels manageable, even if it’s just mentioning that something is hard to talk about,” says Amanda. “This gives your therapist a cue to guide the conversation, without pressuring you to get into the details right away.
“Therapists are trained to help you explore at a pace that feels safe. Therapy isn’t about reliving your pain, but about understanding, processing, and releasing it in a way that feels empowering.”
Delving into the past can help us understand the roots of current struggles. Even things that feel ‘minor’ could help explain why you’re struggling today. It takes time to feel comfortable enough to open up with a therapist. And remember, finding the right one is key – so don’t feel afraid to find a new one.
“Therapy is your space to explore your feelings, thoughts, and experiences,” says Amanda. “Talking about a relationship in therapy isn’t about criticising the other person. It’s about understanding how the relationship is affecting you, and exploring how you can navigate challenges.”
Feelings of guilt are common, but it’s important to remember that your intention isn’t to hurt your loved one. Your therapist will be able to help you gain insight and develop the tools to address issues thoughtfully. “It helps you develop emotional intelligence and self-awareness, enabling you to communicate your feelings in ways that foster connection,” she adds.
Talk about the good things
Therapy is also a space to celebrate wins, explore your strengths, and reflect on moments of joy, says Amanda. “Discussing positive experiences, achievements, or relationships can deepen your understanding of what fulfills and energises you, which is essential for creating a fulfilling life,” she says.
Healing isn’t just about working through what’s wrong – it’s also about recognising and nurturing what’s going right. “Reflecting on times when you felt confident, connected, or proud can help you reconnect with that energy, and use it as a foundation for further growth,” says Amanda.
Amanda is a chartered counselling psychologist and best-selling author. Get in touch via the Counselling Directory.
We’re putting community initiatives in the spotlight, and, in this issue, we’re meeting The Conservation Volunteers, who are giving environmental action the green light…
Writing | Caroline Butterwick
In a verdant public park, a group of volunteers work together to cut back brambles that are spilling on to the path, making it easier for the local community to enjoy this space. They take a tea break, sipping their refreshing drinks and nibbling on biscuits, talking and laughing before picking up their garden tools and getting back to work.
The Conservation Volunteers (TCV) work with communities across England, Northern Ireland, and Scotland, bringing people together to create, improve, and care for green spaces. This includes everything from community gardens, parks, and nature reserves to hospital grounds, waterways, wetlands, and woodlands. Founded in the 1950s, it has now grown to 376 groups and projects.
One of these is the Biodiversity Action Team North London. Its Brent group started in autumn 2024, after receiving funding from Brent Council to bring more biodiversity into the area, focusing on 12 green spaces. Volunteer Judith has been part of the group from the start. “I just wanted to be outside and do something practical and useful, to make a difference,” she says.
During the pandemic, Judith spent a lot of time walking, and discovered lots of green spaces in her local area. She wanted to continue spending time outdoors, especially after finishing work the summer before, alongside doing something physically active. She has experienced anxiety and depression, and finds time in nature supports her wellbeing.
During the sessions, she says, “We’re among nature and bird life, and the flowers and the trees. It’s just great. We learn how to use a number of tools, try different jobs like deadheading, lopping trees, and cutting back brambles.”
A typical session lasts from around 10am–3pm, with a midmorning tea break and time for lunch, which gives volunteers the chance to get to know each other while refuelling.
“We’ve found that people come to TCV for one thing, but then end up finding all of these other outcomes,” says Anna Gailey, who works for TCV nationally, while contemplating why people volunteer. “They might come initially because they want to help support their local green space or their local environment, but they end up finding all the social benefits, and they might suddenly get a burst of confidence
because they’ve been in that social situation, and they can learn new skills. Plus, being outside in nature really helps your mental and physical health.”
And that’s the wonderful thing about volunteering, the benefits are vast – both to the individual giving back, and for the cause they’re supporting – from building self-esteem to reducing loneliness, and a report from Forest Research states that the health benefits of volunteering are increased when it takes place in the natural environment. With eco-anxiety on the rise (the Office for National Statistics found that three-quarters of UK adults are worried about the impact of climate change), this acts as a driving force that has encouraged more people to get involved in this kind of work.
“When we’re working, we get stopped by people, and they talk to us,” says Judith, reflecting on how the sessions help get local people interacting with each other, including those who aren’t directly involved in the group, in turn strengthening those community bonds.
“I’ve met lots of different people, which is lovely,” Judith adds. “We all learn from each other. Everyone brings different skills and experiences. Or some have
very little experience, but are keen to learn. And I love all that. It’s a very diverse group.”
Making a difference to the environment is an integral part of TCV’s work. At a time where many of us feel overwhelmed by the climate crisis and seemingly endless environmental issues, being able to positively support the planet feels particularly powerful.
According to Greenpeace, wildlife numbers have seen a staggering decline of 69% on average in the past 50 years, with around 2 million species now threatened with extinction. Biodiversity loss is one of the most pressing environmental issues of our time, which is why
much of TCV’s current work focuses on this issue.
“It’s about creating those rich natural environments for people to access, and where wildlife, and different flora and fauna thrive as well,” explains Anna. This can involve creating bug hotels to increase insect numbers – something that supports other animals – and ensuring that native species of plants can thrive.
Hattie Jones, who works as senior project officer for TCV and is part of the Biodiversity Action Team North London, explains how they’ve facilitated a range of activities, from planting fruit trees in a community orchard to sowing a wildflower meadow. Their work
is influenced by the seasons too, with winter offering the best time to work on trees, as this is when birds are no longer nesting. A warm welcome awaits those who are interested in joining their local group. “I wasn’t quite sure what to expect, but as soon as I arrived, they made me feel very welcome,” says Judith. “They went through the safety procedures, and how to use tools. For every task, we’re always given the information that we need to do it, and we always have a choice – no one has to do anything they don’t feel comfortable doing.”
TCV has an interactive map on its website where you can search for opportunities near you and find out more about what’s involved. Whether it’s planting flowers or digging a pond, TCV’s volunteers are helping nature to thrive – all while meeting new people, and reaping the benefits of time spent outdoors.
One place I always love to visit the most is the British Museum, and not just for the serenity of its peaceful reading room, or the transportive power of its historical treasures, but also, for the beautifully filtered sky above.
Time seems to stand still under that enormous glass roof, muting the distractions of everyday noise, and framing only what feels significant, as though, with each step around the courtyard, there’s a different perspective on reality.
Of course, a trip to London isn’t always on the cards whenever I need to take a step back and see the bigger picture, or poetically consider a different angle on a situation. And connecting to the vastness of something, especially the sky, can, of course, be felt closer to home. After all, there’s nothing quite like bathing under a sky full of stars to remember the
world is much more than our everyday concerns.
But, let’s take time to remember the quieter ways of taking stock. From small, everyday rituals to reconnecting with our values, gaining a sense of perspective is within close reach.
Our perspective on life influences how we respond to, or sometimes react to, situations. The glass half-full, half-empty analogy is a common example of how two people can view the same thing in different ways – but there are more aspects to this beyond pessimists and optimists. A sceptic might question what is even in the glass, while a physicist focuses on the matter, or an artist sees a tool to create.
So, perspective is our overall viewpoint on life, and is often shaped by our values and past experiences. To cultivate a broader sense of perspective, we need to step back and
consider the context, which can be particularly helpful when it comes to understanding where other people are coming from. Perception, however, is our inner lens, describing how we interpret something through our five senses and immediate experience. For example, if you interpret someone’s body language and tone of voice as welcoming, it gives you an on-the-spot perception of friendliness.
Understanding our perceptions and perspectives can help us identify any underlying biases or limiting ideas, which is essential for building stronger relationships and making better decisions. And it’s not just about conflict resolution; harnessing the ability to ‘zoom out’ when things are tough can help us navigate difficulties more easily. It can be tricky at first, but shifting from outdated thinking to a panoramic outlook can open up exciting possibilities. >>>
Harnessing the ability to ‘zoom out’ when things are tough can help us navigate difficulties more easily
How to cultivate a sense of perspective
Realising we don’t have control over every area of our lives, particularly when it comes to other people, can create a more open mindset.
Picture this: you’ve just seen on social media that you haven’t been invited to a friend’s birthday brunch. “Am I not liked?” and “What have I done wrong?”
questions might plague that moment, feeding into low selfesteem or a negative mindset. But we don’t have all the facts here, so jumping to conclusions will only narrow our outlook.
1. Role reversal
Standing in someone else’s shoes can help gain a healthier perspective on emotionally charged situations. One way is to imagine what your friend or family member would say to you if you’re feeling down or not good enough.
Let’s take the ‘people don’t like me’ narrative. Your nearest and dearest might say that you’re loved, and that other people’s perceptions aren’t your problem. Role play or role reversal is often
used in therapeutic settings to shift perspective, enabling more profound empathy and growth in relationships.
Suppose you and your partner repeatedly clash over the same issue; it’s helpful to consider their values and past experiences. How their parents, friends, and upbringing have influenced their outlook on life can help you see the wider picture, and come to a mutual understanding.
2. Reconnect with values
Taking into consideration other people’s values is an excellent step, but let’s not forget your core belief system. What do you value most in life? Is it creativity, balance,
family, achievement, honesty, or kindness, perhaps?
When you get clear on your values, you understand what motivates you. As a result, not only will you be less impacted by societal pressures, but you’ll also know why you’re doing what you’re doing, and this is crucial when it comes to prioritising what matters and letting go of the little things. Minor concerns will carry less weight when you create a life that truly reflects your values.
3. Rituals
We can all easily get sucked into the same old daily habits, whether it’s looking at well-worn content on social media, rushing to get to work, or checking messages while eating. Rituals are also regular acts, but they are carried out with meaning. So, instead of grabbing your phone when you wake up (guilty!), try listening to the sounds of nature, journaling your intentions for the day, or relishing in a slow, hot drink.
Daily rituals promote mindfulness and refocus our attention on what feels purposeful, helping us find more clarity through a different perspective.
4. Reach for the skies
We can also feel that slice of everyday magic by seeking
Awe can be felt on a micro level –studying the complex network of veins on a leaf, or by simply looking… up
out awe. Awe is being in the presence of something vast and powerful enough to experience a heightened sense of meaning, and reduced focus on the self. Awe doesn’t have to involve looking at an impressive waterfall or canyon; it can be felt on a micro level, such as studying the complex network of veins on a leaf, or by simply looking… up. Gazing at the stars, also known as cosmic bathing, can help us connect to the grand scheme of things. A 2024 study, published in the Journal of Environmental Psychology, introduced the Night Sky Connectedness Index, revealing a positive link between someone’s connection to the night sky and their happiness levels. If you feel brave enough, you can even allow your mind to wander past the speckled sky and into the galaxies beyond. World-renowned physicist Brian Cox sums up the fleeting nature of our existence with the question: “What does it mean to live a finite, fragile life in an infinite, eternal universe?” When I hear this, I get a real sense of the preciousness of
each day, while understanding we’re part of a greater story. And if you can’t get out into nature, why not imagine it?
Picturing yourself floating in a hot air balloon with a sense of awe washing over you is a lovely guided visualisation to practice. Noticing familiar places taking on different forms as you rise higher in the sky, with buildings looking like dollhouses, and rivers resembling ribbons, may provide that sought-after shift in perspective. Perhaps, then, it’s feeling fastened to something bigger than ourselves that gives us the power of perspective. Whether that’s other people’s viewpoints, the beauty of nature, or the vastness of the sky above, a higher understanding is at the heart of seeing differently.
Samantha Redgrave Hogg is an author, whose book, ‘Flow: Self-care sessions for your menstrual, lunar, life and seasonal cycles’, is available now (Watkins Publishing). Visit wombonthebroom.com for more.
Welcome to Anxiety on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of living with anxiety. In this edition, Paul Carter, 45, who lives in West Sussex, shares how he navigates intrusive thoughts that come with OCD
Writing
I’ve had obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) since my early 20s, and experience intrusive thoughts regularly. What I’ve discovered is that the more I dwell on these thoughts, or allow them to take over, the more anxious I become. Plus, anxiety is a common trigger for intrusive thoughts, so the two feed into each other.
One thought that runs through my mind constantly is the worry that my anxiety is completely made up in my head. Sometimes I think I’m going to be ‘caught out’ – that someone will dissect my anxiety, and expose my OCD as bogus, or simply self-induced. I know that talking openly about mental health is supposed to help, but it takes enormous energy. Often, I feel as though I’m tweaking the way I present my anxiety to ‘convince’ people that I’m telling the truth, so they’ll believe my experience. Other times, I worry that talking about it simply bores people. This week, I tried to listen to a podcast about mental health, but had to switch it off because
I found it unbearable. It made me wonder if that’s how other people feel when I open up about my anxiety – which wasn’t a pleasant feeling.
Work is also a source of stress for me. I often feel as though I’m falling behind, or that I should be further ahead in my career by this age. Earlier this week, I found out that I didn’t get an interview for a job I’d applied for, which was disappointing –especially as I felt I’d done really well on my personal statement. It’s tempting to spend much of my day on LinkedIn searching for new opportunities, but I make it a rule not to go on there during my working day, and that helps. It can be a distraction, and makes me feel more anxious. Doing meaningful work is really important to me, and one thing that filled me with pride this week was co-creating a learning package on the duty to prevent sexual harassment at work.
Nature is a source of joy for me – specifically, the pond that my family and I have in our back garden. Perhaps it’s because I
had a pond when I was growing up, which attracted fish, frogs, dragonflies, and grasshoppers. So many of my happy childhood memories centre around the excitement of seeing what the creatures were getting up to in our pond and, now, I get to experience that again with my own family. This week, I was delighted to discover that my tadpoles had turned into froglets – very exciting!
I also love watching films; they’re a form of escapism for me. I enjoyed taking my son to see Mission Impossible: The Final Reckoning at the IMAX near Waterloo. However, I did experience some intrusive thoughts when I went to the bathroom, worrying that something terrible might happen to my son without me there to defend him. Thoughts such as: ‘What if he’s kidnapped? Is he strong enough to fight them off?’ These fears made me hurry to get in and out of the bathroom as quickly as possible to get back to him. Of course, he was absolutely fine. But then more
thoughts arose: ‘People wear masks in the Mission Impossible films – is it definitely him?’ Something similar happened the next day when I walked through the gates at the train station, and saw the public information poster warning people to remember to use the brakes on wheelchairs and prams. I visualised my children when they were young rolling off the platform in their prams, as well as my dad in his wheelchair calling out for me to save him. In the moment, the anxiety feels so real, because I can see it happen
I know that talking openly about mental health is supposed to help, but it takes enormous energy
in my mind’s eye, and I can really feel the impact.
Exercise is a welcome relief. Often at lunchtime, I’ll run a 5K in Hyde Park. The weather was hot this week, and I was struggling a bit with that, which triggered anxious thoughts about passing out as I was crossing the road surrounded by fast-moving traffic. I managed to stay upright, but I was scared I might collapse. I find that in these situations, it’s always easier to cope when I’m alone – when I can just take myself off to a quiet spot and relax. I also like to go to the
gym with my son, although I’m admittedly starting to feel like a 45-year-old. I was tired from the race on Friday, and running seven miles on Saturday. Reflecting on the week, I can see the symptoms of my OCD and anxiety are still there, but nowhere near as intense as they were when I was younger. Plus, there have been some wins –like watching my tadpoles in the pond, and achieving some success at work. Living with OCD and anxiety hasn’t been easy, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come.
How can hypnotherapy help me overcome a fear of spiders?
QCounsellor, psychotherapist, and clinical hypnotherapist Michelle Wakerell answers your questions on hypnotherapy for arachnophobia
Why do some people develop an intense fear of spiders?
AThe fear of spiders (called arachnophobia) can develop due to a combination of factors. Although more common in females than males, and while anyone, at any age, can develop
QHow does arachnophobia affect a person’s daily life?
AArachnophobia can have a big impact on a person’s life in many ways. It can disrupt daily life by causing avoidance behaviours in usual routines, and anxiety in various situations.
a specific phobia (such as arachnophobia), most develop in childhood, and sometimes adolescence. It tends to be a learnt behaviour, either from observation or experience. A child does not have the resources or critical thinking capacities of an adult, so if they observe the fear of an adult (often a parent), this will, in turn, teach
them to be afraid. Alternatively, a bad childhood experience with a spider, such as being bitten or one running around, can also create a deep and lasting fear. Essentially, a combination of personal experiences and/or learnt behaviours (and possibly innate tendencies) contributes to the intense fear some people experience.
Someone struggling with arachnophobia may try to avoid certain rooms in their homes or workplace, outdoor activities, and even social occasions due to the possibility of encountering spiders. This can cause both embarrassment and guilt, and can lead to social isolation and many missed opportunities.
Actually coming across a spider (or even seeing an image or thinking about one) can cause physical symptoms such as an increased heart rate, perspiration, and nausea, and in some cases, a fullblown panic attack. It can even affect sleep, work, and overall quality of life.
AHypnotherapy can be extremely effective for many fears and phobias, and can help someone struggling with arachnophobia by accessing and modifying subconscious reactions to spiders.
Hypnotherapists will often have their preferred way of working with the phobia; however, generally, the client will be guided into a state of deep relaxation and, once in hypnosis, hypnotherapy can help identify the root cause of the fear, and
make changes to the deeply ingrained fear responses.
By accessing the subconscious, the hypnotherapist can use targeted interventions to help reframe negative associations with spiders, replacing them with calmer, more positive responses.
Through guided imagery and relaxation techniques, hypnotherapy can gradually reduce the anxiety associated with spiders, and promote more rational thinking about them. Techniques such as desensitisation and cognitive restructuring can reduce anxiety, and promote a more rational perspective towards spiders.
Michelle’s top tips for managing a spider phobia day-to-day:
• Grounding techniques such as 5-4-3-2-1 grounding (five things you can see, four things you can touch, three things you can hear, two things you can smell, and one thing you can taste), or holding something cold (like an ice cube) when you encounter a spider or feel anxious, are effective as this shifts your focus from fear to the present moment, reducing panic symptoms.
• Breathing exercises used throughout the day help to keep your nervous system down-regulated. Breathing in for a count of seven and exhaling out for 11 will stimulate the vagus nerve, which activates the parasympathetic nervous system, responsible for relaxation.
• Challenge negative thoughts gently when your brain tells you, ‘A spider means danger.’ Ask yourself if that’s accurate. Remind yourself that most house spiders are harmless. Try to reframe the thought and tell yourself, “It startled me, but I’m safe.” Cognitive reframing can help to break the loop of irrational fear.
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You know that feeling when you’re doing something that should make you feel a certain way – like basking in a beautiful sunset – but instead, you feel nothing? Maybe you’ve gone through a monumental break-up, and others have commented on how eerily calm you are. Welcome to emotional numbing: your brain’s most sophisticated survival trick.
What is emotional numbing?
Think of it as your mind’s equivalent of ‘airplane mode’, designed to preserve battery life when the system is at capacity. “When someone experiences overwhelming emotional pain – whether from grief, abuse, burnout, or chronic invalidation – the brain activates survival circuits,” explains Tina Chummun, accredited psychotherapist and trauma specialist.
This protective shutdown affects the brain’s chemical balance, and often leads to disrupted functioning of key neurotransmitters that regulate mood, motivation, and emotional
responsiveness. The experience manifests as a sense of being emotionally disconnected or ‘switched off’.
For someone who is emotionally numbing, you might notice you’re less responsive to situations that would normally evoke strong emotions, experience a general flattening of emotional range, and struggle to connect with, or express, your feelings. It might look like emotional indifference or lack of empathy, even though the underlying capacity for emotion remains intact – it’s simply been temporarily suppressed as a means of survival.
What actually causes emotional numbing?
The state of emotional numbing (also known as ‘blunting’) can be caused by a number of factors, such as physical or emotional abuse, grief, medication, mental illness, or trauma.
It’s often reported by those who take antidepressants, with 2023 research from the University of Cambridge, in collaboration with the University of Copenhagen, reporting between that 40–60%
of patients taking selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) are believed to experience this side-effect. Numbing can also be a maladaptive coping mechanism formed as a result of childhood emotional invalidation.
“When someone grows up in an environment where their feelings are constantly dismissed, criticised, or punished, they learn to suppress their emotional expression to avoid painful experiences arising from conflict or rejection,” explains Tina. “Over time, this suppression can become automatic, resulting in chronic emotional numbing as a way to navigate relationships, and maintain a sense of emotional safety.”
Because emotional numbing is a dampening of your emotional experience, it may be hard to pinpoint, but there will be telltale signs. “Enjoyable activities become meaningless,” says Tina, “and there may be increased reliance on distractions (e.g. social media, >>>
overworking, binge-watching), and decision-making becomes effortful due to low motivation, and poor interoceptive awareness.”
The impact of emotional numbing is also felt within relationships. In the workplace, for example, you might find it hard to relate to your colleagues, have little empathy for others’ points of view, notice a change in the way you respond to feedback, or lack the ability to think creatively. “At work, emotionally numbed individuals may appear robotic, disconnected, or disengaged,” says Tina.
“Romantic partners may interpret emotional numbing as disinterest, coldness, or detachment, leading to
When someone grows up in an environment where their feelings are constantly dismissed, criticised, or punished, they learn to suppress their emotional expression
breakdowns in communication and trust. Friends and family may feel emotionally abandoned, struggling to connect with someone who seems walled off from their inner world.”
Notably, emotional numbing doesn’t always look like a blank stare or acting emotionless. According to Tina, it can present in more covert ways, such as playing down one’s own feelings (‘It’s not a big deal, others have it worse than me’), chronic
indecisiveness, excessive use of humour or sarcasm to deflect, or avoidance of vulnerability in safe relationships. There may also be a dulling of sensory experience: your favourite album no longer moves you; the homemade food you used to love now somehow tastes bland. You may also notice yourself using detached language about personal events, for example: ‘The miscarriage happened,’ rather than saying ‘I lost my baby.’
Addressing emotional numbing can be tough, because there is value in being able to move away from difficult emotions, but there is a key difference between managing your emotions, and avoiding them. “Healthy emotional regulation involves awareness, acceptance, and modulation/ emotional regulation of emotional states – not suppression,” says Tina.
“Emotionally regulated individuals can tolerate discomfort, express vulnerability, and make valuesbased decisions even during distress – and, ultimately, know that despite their upset, they will eventually be OK. Problematic numbing, by contrast, feels like emotional absence. It’s not ‘calm under pressure’ – it is disconnection from the body and internal states entirely. A key distinction lies in choice: regulation is intentional; numbing is often automatic, defensive, and out of awareness.”
Finding a way through Know that if you become aware that you are consistently disengaged from, or actively avoiding, your emotions, a therapist can help you get to the root cause, and strategise more compassionate ways to cope. Reconnecting with emotions after numbing requires safety, non-judgement, and gradual exposure to emotional content. Tina suggests several therapeutic frameworks that can address emotional numbing: “Person-centred therapy builds safety through unconditional positive regard, empathy, and congruence, reversing emotional invalidation. Sensorimotor psychotherapy integrates somatic awareness with emotional processing, reconnecting clients with interoceptive signals.”
She also recommends internal family systems – a framework that can help you separate from protective parts (like the numbing part), and develop compassion for your inner world. Tina also notes that eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing (EMDR) is also particularly effective in cases of traumainduced emotional numbing. Finding techniques to use at home can help too, for example, by developing a consistent mindfulness practice. A 2018 review paper, published in the Journal of Psychiatry and Neuroscience, notes that patterns of emotional numbing, suppression of intrusive thoughts, and avoidance
behaviours among individuals with PTSD is the “antithesis of mindful behaviour”, suggesting that non-judgemental acceptance of thoughts, experiences, and emotions (as taught through mindfulness) may reduce these symptoms. Similarly, learning to become a ‘compassionate witness’ to your emotional experiences can create a sense of personal safety around your emotions. It can be helpful to journal about your emotions, and then try to offer comforting words as though you were writing to a friend. Often, if we’ve become accustomed to numbing, it can take considerable effort to establish that connection again. If you feel ready, try the Happiful ‘Breathwork for Reconnection’ video on our YouTube channel. Emotional numbing, while protective, shouldn’t become a permanent way of being. Whether through therapy, mindfulness practices, or selfcompassion, reconnecting with your emotions is possible. Your feelings matter, and with patience and support, you can gradually rebuild that vital connection to your emotional inner world.
Approximately one in four people in the UK will experience a mental health problem each year, many of whom encounter workplace discrimination. We’re helping you understand not just what discrimination looks like, but how to fight it…
Writing | Caroline Butterwick
Work should be a place where we flourish –where we play to our strengths, develop new skills, and feel safe to be ourselves. But, often the reality is very different, and instead of working in an environment that supports wellbeing, 88% of people severely affected by mental illness report that discrimination is widespread, according to a 2021 survey by Rethink Mental Illness.
For marginalised identities, things may be even harder –with a quarter of LGBTQIA+ workers with a disability believing it’s likely they will lose their job in the next year, compared to 10% who are LGBTQIA+ but aren’t disabled, according to the Business in the Community 2019 Mental Health at Work Report. And while 51% of employees feel comfortable talking in the workplace about
mental health, only 40% of the global majority feel the same. As someone with mental illhealth and a visual impairment, I’ve faced discriminatory attitudes at work, from being denied time off for appointments to unkind comments. It’s normal to have worries about approaching these situations, and also, whether what we’ve been through actually counts as discrimination.
“Mental health discrimination is when you’re treated worse than someone else, because you have a mental health problem,” says Stephen Buckley, head of information at the charity Mind. “You have to show there’s a link between your mental health problem, and the way you’ve been treated.”
There are laws in place to protect us from discrimination.
“Even if you don’t think you have a disability, the Equality Act may protect you from discrimination if your mental health problem fits its definition of disability,” Stephen says.
For it to count as a disability, you need to show that your mental health problem:
• Has more than a small effect on your everyday life
• Makes things more difficult for you
• Has lasted at least 12 months, or is likely to last 12 months. Or, if your mental health problem has improved, that it’s likely to recur.
There are lots of forms of discrimination that people experience. One example is direct disability discrimination – which Acas (the public body providing free and impartial advice to employers, employees, and their representatives) defines as someone being put at a disadvantage or treated less favourably because they’re disabled. In an example, Mind refers to someone with bipolar disorder who asks their
employer if they can apply for a new role doing work they feel more able to do. Their employer says they can’t apply because of their mental health problem.
Another form of discrimination is known as indirect discrimination which, Acas says, “is when a working practice, policy, or rule applies to everyone, but puts a person or group at a disadvantage because of their disability”. Relating it specifically to mental health, Mind says an example could be if someone’s employer decides all staff must start a new shift pattern, which involves working late in the evening. But the employee takes medication for schizoaffective disorder, which makes them sleepy in the evenings, so they aren’t able to work late shifts. This is likely to be indirect discrimination, as it puts them at a disadvantage.
First, know that it’s not your fault if you’ve been treated badly because of your mental health condition, and that it’s normal to feel upset and confused at what to do next.
“If you can, it’s usually best to resolve your problem by just talking it through,” advises Stephen. “This will feel more relaxed, and also helps you to keep good working relationships. Start by speaking to your colleagues, manager, or human resources department as soon as possible.”
It’s not your fault if you’ve been treated badly because of your mental health condition, and it’s normal to feel upset and confused at what to do next
If you’re in a trade union, reach out to your representative to tell them in confidence what’s been going on. They can advise on next steps, and support you through the process. I’ve experienced firsthand how helpful it is to have someone who understands workplace procedures on your side – it helps you feel less alone. It’s also worth keeping a written log of what’s happened, recording key details, such as names and dates. If you aren’t happy with the results of trying to resolve things internally with your employer, then you can look at proceeding to a tribunal. “An employment tribunal makes decisions for disputes between employers and employees about employment rights,” explains Stephen. He stresses that it’s important to understand every part of the process before you start your claim, such as contacting Acas, and going through their ‘early conciliation’ process. >>>
For more information, Citizens Advice has useful guidance on tribunals. The Disability Law Service is a charity that provides information and advice on disability discrimination, including in employment –speaking to them about an issue I had with an employer helped me understand my rights, and to effectively challenge the discrimination.
Facing discrimination can be an emotional experience, especially as work is often such a big part of our lives. “Work can provide a sense of purpose, an opportunity to build relationships, create structure in our day, and enable us to support ourselves financially. It can also bring a sense of achievement, as we learn and grow in our roles,” says counsellor Nadia DiLuzio. “Therefore, when we experience mental health discrimination within the workplace, we can feel as if it is an attack on who we innately are as a person.”
Nadia adds that our careers can sometimes feel part of who we are, and that for some people with a mental health condition, this diagnosis can be viewed as part of our identity, too.
To help look after yourself while dealing with discrimination, Nadia recommends you:
• Acknowledge how you feel, rather than trying to minimise or ignore it.
• Connect with others, as putting yourself in supportive environments will help to reduce your stress levels.
• Listen to your self-talk, and then actively work to improve it. Discrimination can feel punishing or rejecting depending on our earlier experiences, and we can allow our critical voice to come forward and tell us we’re not good enough. Affirmations and positive ‘I am’ statements can be a good starting point.
• Refocus on the parts of your identity that aren’t associated with work. What aspects of yourself – your values, beliefs, passions, and interests – are important to you?
• If you have thoughts cycling through your mind, write them down. Taking back control over when and where you will allow space for those thoughts will enable you to choose your reaction, and response, to them.
Remember that discrimination is not your fault, and to be kind to yourself while you go through this. There is support out there to help you through the process of challenging discrimination, and to look after your wellbeing while doing so.
Put the effort into your connection, in their own way
Are honest when you need it most
Celebrate your wins as hard as their own
Respect your boundaries and perspective
Makeyou comfortable enoughtobe yourtrueself
Support you through the challenging times
Can apologise and show accountability
Give you the courage and space to be vulnerable
Inspire and motivate you to be your best self
When the honeymoon phase of a romantic relationship hits, don’t let your friendships fall by the wayside…
Writing | Holly Treacy-West
One of the most defining moments in a friendship is when one of you starts a new romantic relationship. Somehow, you’ve entered into a throuple without any of the benefits. Have your bestie dates become impossible to pin down? Maybe you both feel the distance growing between you? To help navigate this shift, we speak to psychotherapist at First Psychology Centre, Eimear O’Mahony, for her top tips on maintaining friendships through the honeymoon phase.
Schedule regular check-ins
According to Eimear, the honeymoon stage of a romantic relationship is exciting for both psychological and biological reasons. “Your brain is flooded with chemicals such as dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin,” she explains. “This can create intense feelings of pleasure, excitement, and attachment. Your body also releases high levels of oxytocin during physical touch and intimacy, which promotes bonding and trust.”
On a psychological level, everything feels new and full of possibility. “You’re constantly discovering new things about your partner,” says Eimear.
So, where does that leave your friendships? Her advice: don’t leave it to chance. Set a friendship date – maybe a monthly brunch, a weekly voice note catch-up, or an activity you both enjoy. If your pal lives abroad, try a recurring video call that works across time zones. The key is to make check-ins intentional, rather than relying on “We should catch up soon!” (which we all know never happens).
We’ve all been there – One minute, you’re exchanging memes and voice notes, the next, your friend is rapid-fire texting you updates about every romantic weekend away and inside jokes with their new partner.
Before you press the mute button on WhatsApp, Eimear suggests taking a gentler approach: set some digital boundaries. If the constant relationship updates feel overwhelming, it’s OK to communicate that.
Eimear reminds us that friendship should be a two-way street – so both of you should share updates, stories, and snapshots of your own lives. It’s not just their love story; you both deserve to romanticise your lives. And if you’re the one wrapped up in a new romance? Eimear has some advice for you too. “When you’re with your friends, resist the urge to constantly text your partner. Try putting your phone in your bag, or even in another room. This will help you be more present and deepen your connection with your friend. Let your partner know that when you’re out, you won’t always be available to text.”
Remember why you became friends in the first place – whether it was bonding over your love of trashy TV, a shared passion, or the fact that no one else quite gets your wicked sense of humour. The honeymoon phase won’t last forever, but small gestures can help you stay close while life gets busier. Eimear suggests simple but meaningful ways to show you’re thinking of each other – like
sending them a photo of a nice memory, mailing a handwritten card, or dropping a meme into their inbox.
“Scheduling future plans is another great way to show commitment to the friendship,” says Eimear. “Strong friendships can withstand periods of less frequent contact when they’re built on a foundation of understanding, respect, and nonjudgement.”
Life is busy enough – juggling work, family, and friends –without adding a romantic partner into the mix. But celebrating each other’s big (and small) wins is what keeps friendships strong, so
make sure you’re showing up for the moments that matter.
Eimear suggests keeping track of important dates – birthdays, anniversaries, career milestones – so they don’t slip through the cracks. TV and film would have you believe that the only achievements worth celebrating are engagements, weddings, and babies. But let’s normalise cheering each other on for other wins, like launching a business, writing a book, starting a new hobby, or finally nailing that tricky yoga pose.
One of the trickiest times to stay connected is when one of you is in the dizzying highs of new love,
while the other is navigating grief or loss. The friend caught up in romance might (consciously or not) avoid heavier conversations, while the one struggling may be happy for them, but unable to fully engage in the way they’d like to.
The key? Find small ways to show you’re thinking of each other, while respecting that you might be in very different emotional spaces. It’s OK if you’re not perfectly in sync –you still love each other.
Eimear reminds us that friendships should be a safe space to be yourself, without comparison or pressure. “The goal is to maintain meaningful connections while respecting your own needs and boundaries. Friendship dynamics change and evolve over time – this is natural.”
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
No one wants to witness their child in fear, but the reality is that ‘eco anxiety’ is an everyday occurrence for the young people who are growing up during a climate crisis. They’re witnessing unprecedented levels of climate destruction, from increased local flooding to wildfires, and endless news reports on the impact of rising temperatures across the globe. This sense of urgency has reached new levels lately, with a recent YouGov survey of more than 600 children,
commissioned by Greenpeace UK, indicating that worries about climate change are widespread among primary school children, with 78% saying they’re worried about it, and more than a quarter (27%) feeling ‘very worried’.
The American Psychological Association defines eco anxiety as the ‘chronic fear of environmental doom’. Symptoms include persistent feelings of sadness, fear, anger,
helplessness, and guilt. Children may experience nervousness or sleep issues, as well as despair, grief, and powerlessness. It can affect daily functioning and lead to pessimistic views about the future, with many young people believing humanity has failed the planet, and that they won’t enjoy the same opportunities as previous generations, creating an overall sense of insecurity about the future.
Understandably, many parents or caregivers feel ill-equipped to broach this subject with children,
but there are ways to support them. Here’s how to get started:
As adults, we instinctively want to protect children from fear or worry, so it’s only natural that you may have avoided having conversations with them about their emotions around climate change. But dismissing their thoughts and feelings around the topic (even if that minimising is well-intentioned), or avoiding it altogether, has the potential to do more harm than good. Studies among children, such as 2021 research in The Lancet Planetary Health, show that they often experience eco anxiety with an additional layer of confusion, betrayal, and abandonment as a result of adult inaction towards the problem. Taking steps to help children build emotional resilience around the topic is one way to prepare them. This means creating an environment where they feel comfortable opening up about their feelings. It’s not about having all the answers or giving them false hope – instead, try to stay neutral and reassuring, while remaining curious about how you can take action together.
The term ‘eco anxiety’ can make kids think that they have a mental illness that needs to be fixed, which can further isolate the individual, and make them feel like they don’t belong. Instead of
78% of primary school children
say they’re worried about climate change
trying to constantly soothe or stamp out their feelings of worry, try to be there in the worry with them, and say something like: “I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way, but I am also very proud of how much you care about our environment.” It can then be helpful, depending on age, to use this sentiment and redirect it to self-care in order to find a sense of calm and compassion.
While it’s not advisable to downplay the seriousness of the ongoing climate crisis, there is value in recognising all the ways that communities and organisations are working to successfully address pressing issues. Try not to present these as an alternative argument to the child’s emotional experience, but instead, make it a point to show them any positive news stories or projects that are making a difference as well. This can help them understand that something can be done about climate change, and that lots of people are working hard to make it happen.
Listening to the worries they have about climate change can be tough for both of you, but in opening up the discussion, you not only validate their concerns, but also have the opportunity to consider what action you might take together.
According to a 2022 paper, published in the journal Frontiers in Psychology, this form of ‘practical eco-anxiety’ can be a deeply valuable emotional response that can support both individual and collective wellbeing. This could be choosing a charity to donate to every month, addressing your use of single-use plastics in the home, or writing a letter to your MP to voice your concerns. This can help children shift from a state of helplessness to empowerment, guided by a sense of purpose that is rooted in their personal values. It can also be helpful to gamify their actions, for example, by challenging them to find 10 ways that the family can use less water, and celebrating together when they reach their goal.
In the face of climate change, no one has all the answers, and no one person has the power to reverse the damage. But by validating a child’s concerns, offering reassurance, and holding their hand as they navigate the path ahead, we can at least try to maintain a sense of wellbeing on the journey.
Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others
Brené Brown
From guilt to growth, Samantha shares her journey following a sarcoma diagnosis, what it can feel like to find out you have cancer, and the hidden aspects of the aftermath
Writing | Samantha Redgrave Hogg
How can someone who devoted their life to wellbeing end up with a cancer diagnosis? This was very much my reality – and even two years later, it’s something I still struggle to grasp.
A couple of days after receiving a letter from the Royal National Orthopaedic Hospital with the word ‘sarcoma’ printed on it, I found myself watching Pointless in the hospital waiting area (which now feels equally surreal and fitting), wondering how this was happening, and what was to become of me the moment my name was called.
A few weeks before, I had a painless lump removed from my abdomen, which no one had expected to be anything sinister. So, that day, 20 September 2023, when I was told by a specialist that I had an extremely rare form of cancer – angiofibroma with sarcomatous transformation, to be precise – the sense of shock hit me harder than I could’ve ever anticipated.
As sarcoma spreads most often to the lungs, the usual reality of work and family life became a blur of tests and scans, as well as re-excision surgery, to ensure complete removal of the tumour, and reduce potential recurrence. Fortunately, my story ends well. But, I, like many others, still faced a significant mental health impact from the cancer diagnosis, along with a layered sense of loss that can emerge in the fallout, and struggled to process the myriad of emotions involved.
Hearing the word cancer can stir up feelings that are difficult to contend with, ranging from shock to anger, emotional numbness, and anxiety about the future, to name a few.
Despite the shock and concerns for my family, my first instinct was to put a plan of action together, and part of this was how to share the news. When
it comes to children, this can be daunting to navigate – you naturally want to protect them from any distress, but they can also be so intuitive. Generally, it’s advised to tell them what’s going on in an age-appropriate manner. For example, this might be using simple language, instead of specific medical terms, or drawings and illustrations to help explain the situation. Ensuring they feel able to ask questions can be useful and reassuring too, especially with older children who might want more detailed information to help process the news. When I first received the diagnosis, my youngest child, who has learning differences, was experiencing school-related anxiety at the time, and so, I kept things simple, while explaining the seriousness of the situation, in that initial conversation. It is advisable to be as honest as possible, but feel free to build up a picture over time, as I did. >>>
My eldest child had just started secondary school, so I worded things slightly differently, sharing more about how I might be affected by the process, but reassuring her that it’s good to enjoy herself, and maintain a normal life. It’s wise to help teenagers see that talking things through is healthy, but if they need space for themselves, this is also OK.
With people in your wider social circle, how and when you share the news depends on your unique circumstances. There’s no wrong or right thing to do, so consider your own needs as well as you start opening up. You may like to speak over the phone, rather than face-to-face, or introduce the subject slowly. For example, “This
might be difficult to hear, but I have something I want to say.”
Along with the practical aspects, there are the emotional repercussions. As the weeks wore on after that rainy, end-ofsummer day, the initial shock gave way to something more complex. I felt guilty about taking time out of life, and annoyed at my body for letting me down. You name a current wellness trend, and I’ve done it! So, I couldn’t understand how, when I’d spent so many years being ‘healthy’ and helping other people reach their wellbeing goals, I was camped out under the covers, recovering from sarcoma surgery.
I’m not saying that making healthy changes, such as avoiding smoking, doesn’t reduce your
risk of cancer. It does! But, in my case, little is known about this subset of sarcoma, and what causes it, adding to my confusion and concerns about life beyond that moment.
“A cancer diagnosis often lands like an emotional earthquake, shaking not only a person’s sense of safety, but also how they relate to their own body and future. Even when treatment is available, the psychological toll can be immense, bringing waves of fear, grief, and sometimes guilt,” psychotherapeutic counsellor Sarah James eloquently explains.
Cancer can affect someone physically, emotionally, and financially. You can seek further support by visiting macmillan.org.uk
A cancer diagnosis often lands like an emotional earthquake, shaking not only a person’s sense of safety, but also how they relate to their own body and future
I was incredibly fortunate that treatment was available, quick, and successful. However, others face a longer and more painful journey than mine, resulting in overwhelming emotional challenges, such as feeling vulnerable, lonely, out of control, and a sense of loss.
Sarah, who specialises in life’s transitions, describes the grieving process and sense of identity loss associated with cancer.
“Illness can disrupt the rhythm of daily life so completely that people often find themselves grieving not only their health, but who they were before, and that version of themselves may have been active or carefree. There’s often a quiet heartbreak in that identity shift.”
There may be a period of uncertainty, and, for some, progress can be disheartening. So, Sarah recommends holding space for yourself during the “complex emotional landscape” of recovery, “shifting from the idea of ‘bouncing back’ to simply honouring your experience”.
“Sometimes, simply acknowledging how hard it is can offer relief,” she says. “You’re not failing, you’re healing, and healing takes time.”
Sarah goes on to talk about the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance – in the Kübler-Ross model, identified by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969. It was initially devised to describe
Sarah James is a psychotherapeutic counsellor and holistic practitioner. Get in touch with her via the Counselling Directory
the emotional responses of people facing terminal illness, and while it has faced criticism for being simplistic and not acknowledging the complexity of grief, it can still be used as a general framework to understand the impact of loss in all its forms, including significant life changes. Sarah highlights that grief isn’t linear, and if you’re experiencing these emotions, you may move through the stages differently, or skip some entirely. “Everyone grieves in their own way, and there’s no right path, only what’s true for each individual.”
If you’re struggling with losing self-confidence as a result of cancer treatment, it can be due to a sense of powerlessness. When life feels out of our hands, things can feel uncertain and even unsafe. But taking one step at a time makes it possible to return home to yourself.
Sarah talks about finding your way back through the wisdom of lived experience. “The goal isn’t to ‘go back’ to life before, but to slowly reconnect with a sense of self that includes what’s been endured; a self that is more layered and changed.”
She recommends selfcompassion, small rituals of care, journaling, and simply naming feelings – such as sorrow, anger, or confusion – to navigate your emotional experience.
“Processing emotions isn’t about fixing them, but allowing space for them to be felt. What matters most is recognising that your feelings are valid, and that support is out there, whether through therapy, community, or simply giving your emotions the space to breathe.”
For me, having “space to breathe” without the expectations of others was helpful. My husband and village pals walked a tightrope of allowing me time to process things, while supporting me. And it was this balance that gave me time to reflect and practise grounding techniques, including deep breathing and visualising a calm, healing place in my mind, as well as having some lighter moments – that is, laughter and sarcasm were big friends of mine.
Being taken to my limits meant I found my way back to myself and everyday life with deeper pockets of resilience and purpose. Somehow, the simplest moments now carry more meaning and joy.
Samantha Redgrave Hogg is an author, whose book, Flow: Self-care sessions for your menstrual, lunar, life and seasonal cycles, is available now (Watkins Publishing). Visit wombonthebroom.com for more.
Don’t let yourself fall for these subtle (and not so subtle) manipulations
Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford
A common manipulation tactic, this involves a person refusing to communicate to gain control of a situation, punish someone, or manipulate things to their advantage. Ranging from sulking to deliberately shutting down communication, if a loved one refuses to talk following a disagreement, it can be a sign they’re giving you the silent treatment.
What to do: A key thing here is recognising that you can’t control someone else’s behaviour, just your own. Acknowledge what’s happening, try to share how you’re both feeling, and suggest alternative, healthier ways to communicate.
Also known as emotional blackmail, guilt-tripping involves someone trying to make you feel guilty to get you to do something. This could be done playfully – ‘If you loved me, you would …’ – or in a direct way: ‘After all I do for you, you can’t even …’ The person guilt-tripping
you might refuse to discuss things further, or frame themselves as the victim, putting the onus on you to fix things by doing what they want.
What to do: Be firm with your communications, and set boundaries in place – you may want to reference the attempt at guilttripping you. It’s OK to acknowledge their feelings and to empathise with them, but avoid apologising, becoming defensive, or giving in, as this can set an unhelpful precedent for the future.
Using intense displays of affection and grand gestures, love bombing can seem flattering at first, but can quickly become overwhelming. Most often used at the start of a relationship, it is a manipulation tactic that can be used to cover up disagreements, as well as to manipulate a partner within a relationship by creating a dependency.
What to do: Give yourself space to think through the situation, take stock of how you feel about the relationship and your comfort levels, and talk to someone you trust. Love bombing can be tough to spot, and a sign of potential abusive behaviour to come, so
reaching out for a second opinion can be helpful.
Someone who gaslights you is attempting to make you doubt your memories, experiences, and knowledge. By creating confusion, manipulation, and outright lying, they gain control by distorting reality, and making you question your judgement.
What to do: Avoid getting drawn into arguments where you can. Seek external validation and gain an outside perspective from trusted friends and family. If you’re worried about continued gaslighting, document things to help keep track if doubt sets in.
This type of manipulation involves reverting to more childlike behaviour to influence others or avoid responsibility. For example, they might seem overly needy to gain extra support, sympathy, or to get out of something.
What to do: Avoid getting caught up in the emotional drama, and focus on the issue at hand. Don’t give in to demands or emotional pressure, as this can reinforce unhelpful behaviours.
Researchers identified the exact time breakdown for happiness, but how does it play out in reality?
Lucy Pearson is putting the science-backed formula for the ‘perfect day’ to the test…
What does a truly fulfilling day look like? Not the Instagram-curated version involving infinity pools and perfectly arranged flatlays, but something grounded in reality – something achievable. A recent study from the University of British Columbia offers a surprising answer.
The findings draw on data from nearly 15,500 Americans, with researchers using machine learning to analyse how time spent on more than 100 daily activities correlated with participants’ self-rated happiness. The result: clear patterns and tipping points that help distinguish an average day from a pretty good one.
According to their findings, the happiest people spend their time in a very particular way: six hours with close family, two hours with friends, one
and a half hours in general social interaction, two hours exercising, and just one hour each for screen time and eating or drinking. It’s a (somewhat scientific) blueprint made up of connection, movement, and meaning – with very little scrolling, binge-watching, or mindless snacking.
Sceptical, but intrigued, I decided to test the theory myself. I picked a Saturday –free of work obligations and chores – and set out to see if a scientifically engineered perfect day could boost my mood.
I’m naturally an early riser, and often find myself doomscrolling the moment I’ve set the kettle to boil. But, knowing I only had one hour of screen time for the whole day, I left my phone in the kitchen drawer, and took my tea into my sunroom. I spent the next two hours lost in a novel, without checking messages or
jumping between tabs. It was a deeper kind of reading, and I flew through almost twice as many pages as I normally would. As mentioned in research published in the Journal of the Association for Consumer Research, the mere presence of a smartphone – even when it’s not in use – can significantly impair our ability to concentrate and engage in complex cognitive tasks, such as reading.
Later that morning, to ensure I was hitting my two hours of exercise, I swapped my usual Pilates class for a walk along the coast with a friend. While the findings don’t stipulate whether the exercise should be taken indoors or outside, there’s something about being outdoors that gives a deeper dopamine hit than a sweaty studio under synthetic lights. I felt more present, more connected, and genuinely recharged. >>>
The day had felt intentional. I hadn’t fallen into it – I’d chosen it. And that made all the difference
Next on the agenda, I picked up a coffee and croissant for my boyfriend on the way home, and we spent the next couple of hours just being together – chatting, pottering, hanging out. Nothing dramatic, but the kind of domestic calm that often gets squeezed out by to-do lists and deadlines. Then, with the six hours of family time in mind, we set off for the Southern Highlands to spend the rest of the day at my aunt’s. Family time is one of those things that’s often assumed to happen naturally, but rarely does, unless you make space for it. My boyfriend hadn’t met my aunt or cousin before, and I hadn’t seen them in a while, so it felt like a special way to spend a Saturday. We caught up over drinks and pasta, and my phone stayed zipped in my bag. We grabbed lunch on the go, so while I didn’t note down exactly how long I spent eating, I reckon I came pretty close to the hour mark. Although it didn’t feel limiting, I suppose one hour a day for meals somewhat conflicts with the idea of mindful eating, and truly savouring your food. But still, no one was half-engaged or checking sports scores. We were just there, with each other. It’s rare for me to spend a solid six hours with family, but since it had been nearly a year since I last saw my aunt and cousin, the time flew by. Of course, this kind of extended time together might not be for everyone, but with chosen family or close friends, it can feel effortless and deeply nourishing. When you take phones and distractions out of the equation,
something lovely happens: you listen more closely, and conversations go deeper than they might otherwise. It made me think of Sunday lunches from childhood, when screens weren’t competing for our attention, and meals lasted for hours because we enjoyed being around the table together. That said, the formula’s one-hour eating window feels at odds with these slower, more social meals. While it may reflect modern time pressures, I’m not convinced it leaves enough room for the kind of connection that makes shared meals meaningful. What surprised me most was how often I instinctively reached for my phone throughout the day. The act of resisting that pull made me feel oddly untethered at first, then, increasingly serene. Without the mental clutter of emails, news alerts, and social media pings, there was more space in my brain –and in the day itself. Time felt expansive, rather than crammed. I felt like I was inhabiting the day, rather than racing through it. This makes me wonder whether the phone-free element alone is the real linchpin of the formula. If so much of our daily distraction and mental noise comes from constant digital connection, perhaps the other prescribed practices serve mostly to reinforce this central habit, rather than being essential on their own.
At one point, I caught myself thinking: this is it. Not a perfect day, perhaps, but a deeply good one. A day that felt
rooted in presence, rather than performance. There was nothing fancy about it – just people I love, fresh air, movement, and a conscious effort to stay off digital devices.
So did the formula work? Strangely, yes. Not because I’d ticked off boxes, but because the day had felt intentional. I hadn’t fallen into it – I’d chosen it. And that made all the difference.
That said, it’s not the kind of schedule most of us can replicate on a random Tuesday. Life is busy. Work, childcare, commuting, and a neverending list of errands tend to chip away at our free time. The 14hour ‘perfect day’ is a beautiful concept, but it’s also a luxury. Still, ever since, I’ve been reflecting on how I spend my time and seen changes in my mental clarity and overall happiness. You don’t need six uninterrupted hours with your family to feel connected, but making the effort to really be present, even for 20 minutes, can spark a shift.
I won’t pretend I’ve kept to the one-hour screentime limit since, but I am more aware of when I’m reaching for my phone, and more likely to resist.
The truth is, happiness isn’t something we stumble into – it’s something we can design, at least in part. Maybe the perfect day isn’t a formula we follow exactly, but a nudge. A gentle reminder to prioritise the things that make us feel human: connection, movement, laughter, love. Even in a busy life, there’s room for more of those.
Can something as simple as heat really make you healthier and happier? Sauna lovers say yes…
Writing | Holly Treacy-West
For the past few years, we’ve been waxing lyrical about cold water – swimming, cryotherapy, showers, ice baths. You name it, we’ve dunked ourselves in it, all in the name of health and happiness. But could sweating be the secret to improved wellness instead? It seems we’re definitely warming up to the idea. In northern Sweden, a 2024 study published in the International Journal of Circumpolar Health found that regular sauna users report better overall health, more energy, and greater life satisfaction than those who don’t indulge in the heat. The research also links sauna use to try numerous benefits, including lower blood pressure, reduced pain, and enhanced mental wellbeing. Whether through steam, infrared, or even a hot bath, incorporating warmth into your routine may be a powerful wellbeing tool.
The science behind the steam Emma O’Kelly, author of Wild Sauna, has travelled across the UK researching this very topic. “Everyone I met talked about the physical and mental health
benefits of saunas,” she says. “It lifts their mood, reduces anxiety, and they’ve met new friends and even found a community amidst the steam.”
Emma met people with Parkinson’s disease who are drawn to the heat for pain relief, while others with autoimmune conditions reported finding it helps reduce inflammation. And for those coping with grief or trauma, the sauna can offer solace – a place of comfort away from the daily grind.
After his landmark 20-year study in 2015, Finnish cardiologist Dr Jari Laukkanen followed up with 2019 research, published in Progress in Cardiovascular Diseases, that found regular sauna bathing significantly reduces cardiovascular disease risk. “This was a seminal moment,” Emma says, “and it’s paved the way for further research into how heat stress affects the body.
“When we expose ourselves to heat stress, heat shock proteins are activated. These can help reduce inflammation, improve insulin sensitivity – which is beneficial for people with type 2 diabetes – and reduce the misfolding of proteins that are linked to diseases such as Alzheimer’s.”
According to Emma, heat stress is a form of ‘hormetic’ stress – that is, stress that’s good for you. The more regularly we step into the sauna, the more our bodies adapt, and the more benefits we can begin to enjoy.
“What’s more, a wild sauna, often set in nature, offers an affordable dose of social wellness, and provides a space for a digital detox,” she explains. “And it appeals to everyone – from young people looking to connect in real life, to 90-year-olds seeking relief from chronic pain.”
Still sceptical? Consider this: a sauna session could be giving your body a workout of its own. “Saunas improve blood flow, giving internal organs a workout, and boosting circulation and immunity,” Emma says. “The mucous membranes of the nose, throat, saliva glands, and tear ducts increase secretion, which helps capture pathogens like cold and flu viruses. So, regular sauna use may even help ward off colds.”
The British Sauna Society reported that the number of Finnish-style public saunas in the UK doubled between early 2023
The more regularly we sauna, the more our bodies adapt, and the more benefits we can begin to enjoy
and 2024 – from 45 to 90 – and that figure is expected to exceed 200 by the end of 2025.
So, what exactly makes this centuries-old tradition so popular? Emma believes it’s the chance to disconnect. “Our lives are busier than ever, the noise louder than ever, and the sauna is a safe space away from the endless pinging and beeping of technology. It’s a space where we can connect again as humans, and remember that our similarities are greater than our differences.”
But you don’t have to give up your cold-water rituals to embrace this steamy lifestyle – in fact, the two complement each other. Places like Ty Sauna in Swansea and Paus in Cambridge offer wood-fired hot tubs to ease stress, Finnish barrel saunas to trigger happy hormones, and cold plunge pools to release more endorphins.
Not everyone has access to a sauna – but, the good news is, you don’t need one to enjoy the benefits. Try these budget-friendly ways to bring the heat.
• Bath time: The easiest, and arguably the most relaxing, alternative is slipping into the tub for a warm soak. The water’s high heat conduction works in a similar way to sauna therapy, and 20–45 minutes is all you need for sauna-worthy results.
• Heat wrap: Applying a hot compress or heated wrap directly to sore muscles can help reduce pain in much the same way as sauna heat.
• DIY steam: Turn your bathroom into a mini steam room by
running a hot shower for a few minutes with the door closed, and sitting nearby to inhale the warm vapour. It’s a simple way to unwind, clear your sinuses, and ease muscle tension.
• Hot stone massage: If you’re already booked in for a full-body massage, why not see if you can upgrade to one with hot stones. These help muscles relax more deeply, and can melt away tension even faster.
While saunas offer plenty of benefits, they’re not for everyone. If you’re pregnant, have cardiovascular disease, or live with epilepsy, it’s best to sit this one out. And if you’re tempted to enjoy a few glasses of fizz in the hot tub, consider swapping it for sparkling water instead. The heat can lead to dehydration, so it’s essential to stay well-hydrated. Like most wellness trends, heat therapy is best enjoyed in moderation. But if the current surge in interest is anything to go by, one thing’s certain: we’re ready to embrace the heat.
‘Wild Sauna: the best outdoor saunas in Britain’ by Emma O’Kelly is out now. Visit wildthingspublishing.com
Readers can receive 20% off and free P&P* with discount code HAPPIFUL.
When life feels overwhelming, this therapeutic hack can guide your thoughts back to safety in seconds
Writing | Holly Tracey-West
We’ve all heard the saying: ‘You look like you’ve got the weight of the world on your shoulders.’ And right now, it probably feels that way when you scroll through the headlines.
A YoungMinds survey reports that 82% of young people in the UK are worried about political events, and in 2021, the Office for National Statistics reported that 75% of adults were worried about climate change. When combined with burnout and the cost of living crisis, it can feel like you’re being swept away by an all-consuming current of emotional overwhelm. But neuro-
linguistic programming therapy, or NLP, is a technique that helps you understand how you process your thoughts and feelings, acting as a powerful anchor in unsettling times. This won’t fix everything that’s wrong with the world, but it can calm your nervous system, and give you back control when those waves of fear inevitably come crashing in.
According to master NLP coach Chantal Dempsey, this technique creates calm through self-suggestion. “When you choose the words you use consciously, they become instructions for your body and brain, and create a powerful internal anchor,” she explains. Choose a phrase that evokes calm and safety – something that’s soothing and true for you. Try something like: ‘Let yourself settle now.’ ‘Breathe into ease.’ ‘I am getting calmer and calmer.’ Repeat it slowly, rhythmically, and with real intention (out loud or in your mind), like a mantra you can return to when things feel shaky.
When anxiety hits, your brain often shifts into fight-or-flight mode, making it harder to think clearly or feel in control. Sensory anchoring helps bring your awareness away from the mental noise, and back to the tangible here and now.
“By deliberately tuning-in to your senses, you signal safety to the nervous system, and begin to down-regulate heightened emotional states,” Chantal says. Start by gently placing one hand over your heart or stomach, and notice the warmth and weight of your touch. Then, slowly engage your senses by naming three things you can see, three things you can hear, and three things you can touch.
This one is about mentally stepping into the calm, capable version of yourself, and letting your brain rehearse success.
“Research [from the University of Colorado at Boulder] shows that the brain responds to imagined experiences as if they are real,” Chantal explains. “They activate the same neural pathways that fire during actual action.”
According to Chantal, this technique is called ‘future pacing’, where you visualise how you want to think, feel, and behave in a given moment.
“Close your eyes, and take a slow breath. Imagine the calmest, most grounded version of yourself handling the situation
with ease. Picture it as vividly as possible,” she says.
Then, keep visualising this version of you, and take one small action they would take. When you feel intrusive thoughts start to creep in, or anxiety makes you feel a little wobbly, try pausing, standing taller, or gently shifting your inner dialogue. The more often you do this, the more familiar calm becomes.
This NLP tool is about regulating emotions by adjusting how your brain is representing an experience. “The brain encodes our internal experiences using sensory elements called ‘submodalities’,” Chantal explains. “Things like the size, colour, distance, volume, or brightness of an image can all influence how emotionally charged a thought or memory feels to us.”
Chantal recommends connecting with the unwanted thought or feeling – such as worrying that something terrible will happen to a loved one – and creating a mental image of it. Then, imagine a control panel full of dials, levers, and buttons in front of you.
“Start adjusting the image using the panel,” Chantal says. “Maybe dim the colours, move it farther away, or turn the volume down. This simple tweak in how you see the thought can soften its emotional weight, and return a sense of control.”
This technique helps you capture a powerful emotional state, and anchor it to a physical gesture. “Once anchored, this gesture becomes a fast, reliable way to access that empowering state again whenever you need it,” Chantal says.
She suggests recalling a ‘wow’ moment – a time when you felt strong, grounded, fully alive, or in flow. This might be a memory of being surrounded by loved ones, stepping out of your comfort zone, or achieving a personal goal. The more sensory detail, the better.
“At the peak of that emotion, press two fingers together, and hold for a few seconds,” explains Chantal. “This is your anchor gesture. Using it can teach your nervous system that this gesture equals this emotional state.”
Release and repeat as often as you like. With practice, Chantal believes it will become a shortcut to calm and confidence in the moments when you need it most.
Chantal Dempsey is an awardwinning master life coach, NLP coach, and hypnotherapist. Connect with her on the Life Coach Directory.
The burden of regret can weigh heavy on us, but recognising what these remorseful thoughts actually signify can be truly enlightening
As a therapist, I’ve spent many hours with people who carry the weight of regret. Some clients talk about it with shame, others are bolder and see regret as proof that they once dared. Often, it surfaces unexpectedly when life slows down; perhaps a pang of ‘what if’ during grief, or a painful awareness when facing life’s turning points.
I’ve also noticed that almost everyone believes they shouldn’t feel it. We live in a culture that idolises the mantra ‘no regrets’. It appears on T-shirts, in song lyrics, and social media captions as a slogan for fearless living. But, in my experience, the people who insist they have no regrets are often the ones most afraid of being hurt by them.
In the therapy room, I’ve come to see that regret isn’t a weakness. It’s a sign of growth. Rather than something to run from, or evidence of failure, it can be a reflection of our capacity to learn and evolve.
Research professor and author Brené Brown said in a 2015 interview: “Regret is a fair, but
tough teacher. Regret, I think, is a function of empathy.” In other words, regret means we care enough to wish we’d done things differently.
Regret, when we allow it to speak, can be one of the most honest, and ultimately hopeful, emotions we have. It tells us that we now know better.
Recently a client going through a divorce told me: “I should have left years ago. I wasted so much time.” But, as we explored her story, what emerged wasn’t waste, but complexity. She had stayed because she hoped, and she didn’t yet know what she knows now. Her regret changed from a condemnation of her past self to a reflection of how far she’d come. Her past self did the best she could with the resources she had access to at the time, her present self simply saw things more clearly.
That’s the paradox at the heart of regret, it hurts precisely because we’ve grown.
The temptation, of course, is to turn that pain inward, into harsh self-judgement or shame. That’s where self-compassion becomes
BEA APPLEBY
BSc (Hons) Dip MBACP
Bea Appleby is a humanistic counsellor, working with adults and couples. Get in touch via the Counselling Directory.
essential. When we hold regret with compassion rather than criticism, it becomes a path to growth rather than a dead end. Regret isn’t only about choices made, it’s often about the passing of time. As we grow older, many of us become more aware of the paths we didn’t take, the versions of ourselves we didn’t live out. Irvin Yalom, an author and professor of psychiatry, has written extensively about what he calls ‘existential regret’; the sense that we haven’t lived as fully or authentically as we might have. In his book, Staring at the Sun: Being at Peace With Your Own Mortality, he suggests that we are not only afraid of dying, but of having not truly lived.
In this sense, regret can be a wake-up call. It invites us to consider: am I living in alignment
with my values? What have I postponed? Where have I lost myself along the way? These questions are not always easy to face, but I’ve seen people explore them and find inspiration for important life changes.
This is why I don’t believe in the ‘no regrets’ philosophy. I believe in wise regrets – the kind that teach us who we are, and who we still want to be.
If you’re carrying a regret right now, rather than pushing it away, or burying it under shame, sit with it. Ask what it is trying to show you. What didn’t you prioritise? What did you need that you didn’t give yourself? What would it mean to choose differently now?
Regret is not the enemy of a good life, it’s part of what makes life meaningful. It shows us that we’re learning and evolving.
That’s the paradox at the heart of regret, it hurts precisely because we’ve grown
If you’re grappling with regret, here are four steps that can help you shift from self-blame to insight:
1. Name it clearly. Write down or speak aloud what you regret. Be as clear and specific as possible. Naming regret can reduce its power, and start the healing process.
2. Distinguish regret from shame. Regret says, “I wish I’d done differently.” Shame says, “I’m a bad person.” Practise noticing which voice is speaking. You deserve compassion, not punishment.
3. Uncover the value underneath the pain.
Regret often points to what matters most – integrity, courage, intimacy. Ask: “What does this regret reveal about what I value?”
4. Make meaning from it. Use your regret to shape a more aligned future for yourself. Even small, intentional shifts in behaviour can help you live more fully in the present.
Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid
Grief is an experience that defies expectations. You’ll know this if you’ve ever lost a loved one, and felt physically unable to cry, no matter how much sadness you’re holding in your heart. You might have been given a certain amount of time off work to make space for your grief, only to be thrust back into daily responsibilities before you’ve found a way to express your pain. Perhaps you had a complicated relationship that now feels like a song without a finished melody –
complex and forever unresolved, but still painful to listen to.
And then there’s the grief that resides quietly, when the phone calls stop and the sympathy cards have been put away – or perhaps it wasn’t acknowledged in the first place because the grief was for a life never lived, a part of you that was abandoned, or a place in time you can no longer return to.
Despite grief being such a universal human experience, many of us carry misconceptions about how it should look,
feel, or unfold. These misunderstandings can leave us feeling isolated, adding an unnecessary burden to an already difficult journey. With that in mind, here are five myths that need debunking.
When we talk about grief, most of us probably think about the period that follows the death of a loved one. You may picture funeral cars, flowers, and sympathy cards. But grief is a
natural response to any kind of loss or change.
“The list of what someone could grieve over is endless,” explains counsellor Linzi Littleford. “It could be infertility, loss of a job, losing a sense of one’s identity, loss of health, loss of friendship, romantic separation, miscarriage...
“Grief can also be collective. Societies may grieve together in response to pandemics, war, or natural disasters, evoking a sense of communal understanding and sorrow.”
In addition to the wide range of circumstances that lead to grief, there is also a common misconception that people experience grief after the loss occurs. On the contrary, grief can be triggered by the expectation or anticipation of loss.
“Consider someone having a terminal diagnosis or a progressive illness, or a relationship heading towards an ending,” explains Linzi. “Anticipatory grief is complicated and difficult to understand, because the situation or person is still present, but the loss is already in process.”
Grief is also felt for what ‘could’ have been, for example, when related to a miscarriage. “Grieving something that ‘might have been’ is ambiguous and incredibly difficult to navigate, as it exists solely in the realm of what was hoped for,” says Linzi.
MYTH: It’s best to keep busy during
Trying to distract yourself from grief is natural, and may feel like the only way you can get through
the day. Linzi explains that while this may serve as a “temporary bridge” until you feel ready to engage in the grieving process, it shouldn’t be a long-term coping strategy.
“Quite simply, ignored feelings do not disappear. Unprocessed grief will remain unresolved and may resurface at a later date – sometimes during big life events, times of stress, or within relationships,” says Linzi. “Grief is natural, it is our body and mind’s way of adjusting to loss, and when we deny ourselves that process, we can become disconnected, lose our capacity for attachment, and develop patterns of emotional avoidance in other areas of life.”
Grief associated with someone with whom you had a difficult relationship, or were estranged from, can be particularly complex. Feelings such as guilt or anger may arise, alongside sadness, and even numbness. Those around you may even dismiss your reactions because you weren’t ‘close’ with the person before they died, but you might feel as though you’ve been grieving the loss of your relationship for a long time.
This messy, complicated grief is valid, and it’s important to find ways to work through it, whether that’s by talking to friends, seeking support from a counsellor, expressing yourself creatively, or joining a support group.
You may have heard of the Kübler-Ross model of grief,
Consider the process as a fluid continuation without rules, with no definitive ending in sight
which depicts five specific stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. You’d be forgiven for thinking that these stages happen one after the other, but Linzi explains that this limited view of grief can be unhelpful at times.
“Having stages or steps to a grieving process implies that there is a linear timeline to follow, or a checklist, evermoving forward towards an ending,” explains Linzi. This can leave you feeling as though you’re somehow ‘behind’ in the process, or grieving in the ‘wrong’ way if your experience doesn’t match up. But, as Linzi says, not everyone will feel anger, and not everyone reaches acceptance in a traditional sense – plus, the way you grieve is influenced by multiple factors including age, culture, religion, trauma, and attachment styles to name a few.
“Rather than invalidating personal experience or adhering to a staged model, let’s accept that grief is messy, unpredictable, and certainly not linear. Consider the process as a fluid continuation without rules, with no definitive ending in sight.”
MYTH: Crying will help you process grief
According to Harvard Health Publishing, tears can release oxytocin and endorphins which may soothe both physical and emotional pain. And, often, there is a societal expectation that to work through loss you must ‘let it all out’ in the form of tears. When we put pressure on ourselves to perform what we think grief should look like, we deny ourselves the opportunity to express truthful emotions.
“All expressions are valid, and can be shown in a plethora of ways,” says Linzi, “whether that’s sadness, anger, numbness, tiredness, or even waves of relief. What matters is your authenticity. Being authentic to yourself while grieving means permitting yourself to feel how you actually feel.”
While doing this may not always be easy, and can feel isolating, staying connected to the truth of your inner landscape is absolutely essential.
MYTH: Grief gets easier over time
They say time heals all wounds, but this narrative can lead to disappointment, or even the fear of losing touch with the person or event you have lost. Instead, it can be helpful to think of grief as something that, like you, evolves over time. Being present for the breadth and depth of the experience can be difficult, but ultimately, can help strengthen positive emotions.
“When we can honour our loss through the grieving process, we are also affirming and validating what was once real and important to us. Grief is not a sign that something has gone wrong but, rather, it is the loss of something or someone meaningful,” says Linzi.
Perhaps the greatest myth of all is that grief is something dark, something to be suppressed. Grief is not a flaw to be stuffed away or ignored – it’s simply love with nowhere to go. To be human means feeling deeply, forming connections, nurturing hope, and investing our hearts in others. When loss occurs, grief becomes an echo of those meaningful bonds, and when we honour grief, we begin to honour what, or who, matters to us most.
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Looking for a creative way to boost your brain? Memorising poetry has a whole host of mental health benefits…
Writing | Alison Powell
My friend Bruce is 85 years old. Despite the decades between us, we have plenty in common – predominantly, a love of poetry. In fact, it’s down to Lewis Carroll’s ‘Jabberwocky’ – a poem we both memorised as children – that we are friends at all.
We met a while back at a festival campfire, where people were taking turns to perform songs and poems. When Bruce started reciting ‘Jabberwocky’, I leapt up and joined in.
We’ve been friends ever since. We’ve learned several more poems together, and now have a small repertoire that we enjoy speaking aloud. This intergenerational friendship brings all kinds of benefits – Bruce and I are less likely to suffer from depression, according to 2020 research in the American Journal of Psychiatry, and are less likely to die from a range of chronic diseases, as noted in PLOS Medicine.
But it’s not just the friendship that’s doing us good – it’s the poetry.
Believe it or not, poetry is a well-documented therapeutic tool. A 2021 study, published
in the International Journal of Psychology, looked at the benefits of 10 90-minute poetry therapy sessions on women with posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The participants experienced a significant increase in psychological wellbeing, and a significant decrease in PTSD symptoms.
Another research project from 2016, in the Journal of Palliative Medicine, looked at the effects of music and poetry on pain relief. Both art forms were found to bring about a reduction in pain, and also a reduction in depression, for participants. However, only poetry resulted in an increased sense of hope. And, in today’s world, who doesn’t need that?
Perhaps the magic lies in the fact that reading poetry is not a passive act. It invites you into the poet’s world, and creates ‘thinking space’ in which we can reflect on our own lives through their words. The best poems don’t always make sense in a logical way, but they evoke an emotional reaction, and that can help us feel understood – forging a connection between poet and reader. In that way, a powerful poem can become a touchstone or friend. As poet Paul Celan wrote: “I cannot see
any basic difference between a handshake and a poem.”
The Cambridge University’s Poetry and Memory Project shows us that memorising poems can strengthen that connection, where 63% of people surveyed said knowing a poem by heart gave them a “source of comfort in tough times”, and 44% reported that their memorised poems helped them make sense of life.
If your experience of poetry is limited to your GCSE anthology, you might be wondering why anyone would purposely put a poem in their head for fun.
The great news is that the world of poetry is vast. It includes everything from five-line limericks to book-length epics of wild adventure, and poignant poems that will move you to tears. In fact, one of the reasons people turn to poetry is that it puts into words the emotions we struggle to express.
There are many reasons for learning poems by heart. Firstly, informal learning has been shown to contribute to our subjective wellbeing, and there is evidence, as shared in Ageing
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63% of people surveyed said knowing a poem by heart gave them a ‘source of comfort in tough times’
Feeling inspired to write? Find out more about the 2026 Happiful Poetry Prize in our next issue!
and Society, that learning can help protect against cognitive decline and dementia.
Practice and use of a new skill, alongside deliberately learning new information, strengthens the brain’s connections, and because learning and memory are intrinsically linked, every time we learn something new, we forge fresh neural pathways – AKA the brain equivalent of going to the gym.
But, there’s more to memorising poetry than mental push-ups. Participants in the Poetry and Memory project reported that poems had “become like personal friends”. Once a poem is in your head, you’ve made it portable: the project participants describe their memorised poems as an “internal anthology”, a “treasure chest”, and a “security blanket”. A memorised poem can be an emotional resource to reach for any time of day or night – it’s like carrying a mental health first aid kit.
Psychologist Martin Seligman suggests the key elements of psychological wellbeing are positive emotion, engagement, relationships, meaning, and accomplishment. The process of memorising poetry ticks all these boxes – starting with the positive experience of reading poetry, selecting a poem to learn, building a relationship with a poem, and finding meaning in it. Then there’s the sense of achievement that comes when you’ve learned, and (ideally) shared your poem with a friend.
In a world where we regularly outsource our memory to devices and hand over our thinking to AI, the discipline involved in learning a poem feels vital. It’s an ancient and deeply human practice, and one that is worth upholding.
Poet Michael Rosen recommends choosing a poem you want to spend time with: “You’ve got to love the poem you want to learn.”
Poems with rhythm and rhyme or poems that tell a story are easier to remember, but whichever poems you choose, the trick is to make it fun. As former Poet Laureate Ted Hughes said: “There are many reasons for learning poems. But memorising them should be like a game. It should be a pleasure.”
Here are five effective strategies to try:
• Record yourself reading the poem and listen on repeat.
• Get creative. Pick out the main images from your poem and make a collage.
• Take your poem for a walk. Repeat a line or two on your daily commute, or during an evening stroll.
• Silly things are more memorable, so try acting your poem out. Exaggerated gestures and embodied readings of your poem will help forge those neural pathways.
• Find an audience. Friendly listeners will celebrate your achievement, and give you a bonus hit of dopamineinduced joy.
I’ll always be grateful that Bruce and I learned ‘Jabberwocky’ as young children. Otherwise, we might never have gone on from that festival campfire to sharing all the stories, experiences, laughter, and of course, wonderful poems that make our friendship so special. It really does takes effort to learn a poem. More effort than sitting on the sofa and scrolling through social media. But, when you get to Bruce’s age and start to reflect on your life, I can guarantee that you’ll forget most of the memes and reels you’ve flicked through. You won’t forget a poem that you’ve learned by heart.
If you haven’t dipped your toe into the ocean of poetry for a while, scan the QR code to read seven mental health poems that can teach us about mental health.
Challenge yourself with some brain-teasing fun
Fill the grid so that each column, row, and 3x3 subgrid contains the digits 1–9. Want an extra challenge? Set yourself a time limit – get set, go!
How did you do? Visit the ‘Freebies’
Can you decipher these song titles represented in Emoji form?
Celebrate the season with this colourful and refreshing salad bowl
Writing | Amie Parry-Jones
This dish is the ultimate celebration of the summer season with its vibrancy and freshness! This summer salmon salad bowl is quick and easily prepared in batches for future meals – it also makes a great office lunch to keep you feeling full and focused all afternoon. If you’re looking for a vegetarian option, simply swap the salmon for halloumi or pan-fried tofu, but note that while these still contain quantities of protein, they won’t provide the brain benefits of omega-3 found in oily fish.
Summer salmon salad recipe
Ingredients
(makes 2 bowls)
For the bowls:
• 100g quinoa (or brown basmati rice)
• 2 salmon fillets (skin on or off)
• 1 tbsp olive oil (for cooking)
• Salt and pepper to taste
• 100g baby spinach or rocket
• 100g cherry tomatoes, halved
• 50g red bell pepper, thinly sliced
• 1 avocado, sliced
• 1 spring onion, sliced
• Optional: 2 tbsp of seeds (pumpkin, sesame, sunflower)
• Optional: 1 tsp soy sauce
For the dressing:
• 1 tbsp tahini
• 1 tbsp plain yoghurt
• Juice of ½ lemon
• 1 tbsp each of fresh parsley and dill, finely chopped
• 1 tsp olive oil
• 1 small garlic clove, minced
• Pinch of salt and pepper
Method
• Cook the quinoa (if not already cooked) or rice: rinse in a sieve, then add to 300ml water and a pinch of salt in a small saucepan. Bring to a boil, reduce heat, cover, and simmer for about 15 minutes, or until water is absorbed. Fluff with a fork and let cool slightly.
• Cook the salmon: heat 1 tbsp olive oil in a pan over medium
heat. Season the salmon with salt and pepper. Cook for 4–5 minutes per side (slightly longer for crispy skin), until flaky and opaque throughout.
• Make the dressing: in a small bowl, whisk together tahini, yoghurt, lemon juice, herbs, olive oil, garlic, and salt. Add water (1–2 tsp) if needed to thin to the desired consistency.
• Assemble the bowls: divide greens, quinoa, tomatoes, bell pepper, avocado, and spring onion between two bowls. Top each with a salmon fillet.
• As an option, lightly toast 2 tbsp of seeds (pumpkin, sesame, sunflower) with 1 tsp of soy sauce and sprinkle onto salmon to add some texture and flavour.
The healthy bit
Research has shown that consuming a diet filled with various nutrients and antioxidants offers numerous mood-boosting benefits. Salmon contains the fatty acid omega-3, and specifically, eicosapentaenoic acid (EPA) – a compound that can help reduce inflammation, and is crucial in brain cell membranes. Inflammation disrupts neurotransmitter functioning and causes fatigue, both of which have a negative impact on mood. While omega-3 is found in walnuts, flax, hemp and chia seeds, oily fish can be converted into higher quantities
of EPA in the body. Salmon is also a great source of protein, which provides the building blocks for neurotransmitters – crucial in regulating mood, motivation, and concentration.
Dietary fibre plays an important role in the gut-brain axis. Prebiotics in the avocado, spring onion, and quinoa in this recipe feed beneficial gut bacteria, which helps to keep the intestinal lining healthy. This can reduce inflammation, and modulate neurotransmitters like serotonin and dopamine. Furthermore, natural yoghurt contains probiotics to support a healthy microbiome. While carbohydrate is important for energy, we want it to be released slowly to sustain energy levels. The fibre (vegetables), protein (salmon, quinoa), and fat (avocado, seeds, olive oil) will help to achieve this. Fluctuations in blood glucose levels can affect mood; when too high or too low, it can make us tired and irritable, or even shaky, light-headed, and emotional.
In addition, the tomatoes, leafy greens, bell peppers, and olive oil provide great quantities of antioxidants to help protect brain cells from oxidative stress and inflammation.
Amie Parry-Jones is a women’s health and eating disorder nutritionist, researcher, and public speaker. Connect via the Nutritionist Resource.
How to handle medical gaslighting, and why you should feel more empowered to advocate for yourself – from someone who’s done more than her fair share
Writing | Michelle Elman
There are not many upsides to having the medical record I have, but one of the few positives is that it’s made me quite intolerant of medical gaslighting; standing up for myself and advocating in a doctor’s office is second nature to me. Why? Because I nearly died the time I didn’t, because I didn’t want to ‘cause a fuss’.
Over the course of my life, I’ve had 15 surgeries, a brain tumour, a punctured intestine, obstructed bowels, and a cyst in my brain –and the one that nearly killed me was the punctured intestine. It was an accident, and happened in the middle of one of my surgeries. The doctors didn’t realise at the time, and had sewn me back up. Then, at 2am, my mum started noticing how inflamed my stomach was. Despite being the middle of the night, she was trying to flag down the attention of any nurse, and being very loud about it – and I was growing more and more embarrassed, as most 11-year-olds would. The nurses reassured her that there was nothing wrong,
and she was waking up the other patients, so I also told her she was overreacting.
When my mum left the room, I felt relieved that I could get some sleep, only to discover that the reason she left was to call my surgeon, insisting he come in right away. Thank god he did, and that my mum is a very convincing woman,, because the moment he saw my stomach, he knew my mum was right.
My intestines had been accidentally punctured, and my intestinal fluids had been leaking internally for hours. I was sent into an emergency 48-hour surgery, and I’m eternally grateful that my mum is as stubborn as me (or, I should say, I’m as stubborn as her!), because she refused to listen to anyone else when she knew something was wrong, and that is the energy you need, and the energy I continue to have, in every doctor’s office.
Here’s the thing: you are an expert in your own body. You are the only person who has lived in it, you are the only person who can experience the pain you are
feeling, and you are the only person who knows what your ‘normal’ is – and therefore you are the only person who can flag when something doesn’t feel right. Really, it makes sense; you’ve likely been taught that the doctor is the expert, and while, of course, they are knowledgeable and you want to trust them, there is actually very little they can do without your knowledge and your description of the pain and symptoms. Chronic illnesses, diagnoses, and the issues you are having might be things they have learned about in a textbook, but they have never experienced it the way you have. Your input matters. As an example, I have a condition called hydrocephalus (a buildup of fluid in the brain); every neurosurgeon I have seen has never had hydrocephalus. The biggest issue with hydrocephalus is if your shunt (which drains the fluid) breaks, and I know what that feels like, because it’s happened to me three times. Therefore, when that happens, I am the most experienced in the room, with three decades of living with
this condition. I’m not saying this to diminish the importance of doctors, but I am saying this because we need to remove the power imbalance in a doctor’s office, as this is a large reason why people don’t continue to push for treatment.
I do believe doctors are trying their best, but at the end of the day, they are human, and mistakes happen – like my punctured intestines – and if something is
wrong, trust yourself. There is no harm in asking for a second opinion, whereas there is harm in overriding your intuition, and continuing to suffer in pain.
Discrimination also plays a part in medical gaslighting. It’s been documented that there has been widespread medical exploitation of Black women by controversial doctors such as J Marion Sims (who was called the ‘father of modern gynaecology’), as it was
You are an expert in your own body. You are the only person who has lived in it – and therefore you are the only person who can flag when something doesn’t feel right
believed that they had higher pain tolerances. It has also been noted that due to body weight stigma, often larger individuals go misdiagnosed as well.
When I come across this, I will call it out directly: ‘What test would you be giving a thin woman who came in with this symptom?’
‘You can see my medical record, I clearly have a high pain tolerance, so when I say I’m in pain, I need you to listen to that and give me the medication that you would give a man if they were complaining about the same symptoms.’
I do not mess around in a doctor’s office, because my life is literally at risk. We need to stop diminishing our symptoms, normalising living in pain, and playing small in fear of making doctors uncomfortable. You know what’s more uncomfortable? The pain you are in!
‘Bad
Friend: Why Friendship Breakups Hurt and How to Heal’ by Michelle Elman is out now (Renegade Books, £20)
Most children will grow out of speech difficulties, but some don’t. In fact, around one in 50 adults in the UK has a stammer. So, what’s the best way you can support them?
Writing | Jenna Farmer
It’s normal to occasionally trip over your words, but those with a stammer can struggle to always speak fluently. A stammer is when you repeat certain sounds or syllables, or when a word simply gets stuck, and you can’t get it out. For some people, this can have a big impact on their lives – for example, a 2004 study in the Journal of Fluency Disorders found that 70% of those with stammers feel they’re less likely to get hired or promoted at work, and 33% felt it interfered with their job performance.
More recently, a 2018 study in the Journal of Speech, Language, and Hearing Research noted that stuttering was associated with reduced earnings in the US, and “discrimination may have contributed to the earnings gap associated with stuttering, particularly for females”. It’s also worth noting that individuals with a stammer are at more risk of developing anxiety and social anxiety, as a 2023 study in the Journal of Speech, Language, and Hearing Research explored. A big part of this anxiety can be navigating
conversations with others, so how can we support those around us with a stammer the next time we chat? I asked Heidi Bristow, a stammerer and founder of changesforstammerers. co.uk, for her top tips.
1. Never interrupt when someone is trying to speak It might seem helpful, after all, if you think you know what the person is trying to say, why not help them get there faster? But interrupting someone can actually put more pressure on the situation, and take away
Maintaining eye contact shows you’re engaged and listening to what the person is saying, not how they’re saying it
the stammerer’s voice. “One of the most frustrating things for someone who stammers is being rushed, interrupted, or having others finish their sentences. While it might seem helpful, it really isn’t,” explains Heidi. “Just having the patience and respect to let someone finish their own sentences, and say what they want to say, is usually quicker than guessing, and far less frustrating for the person speaking.”
2. Don’t try to fill silences
We’re attuned to filling those awkward silences and pauses, often by speaking up ourselves, but sometimes, a little silence is OK! “Sometimes, a stammer involves a silent block, or a pause is needed before speaking,” says Heidi. Here, it’s key to show the person that you’re comfortable, rather than impatiently trying to fill it yourself. This can help to reduce the pressure.
3. Offer non-verbal reassurance
When we see someone struggling, it’s a natural instinct to try to offer comfort with our words. But this can actually escalate the situation – and those with a stammer likely already know the strategies you may suggest. “Offering advice like ‘take a deep breath’, or ‘relax’ may seem kind, but it doesn’t help, and often makes things worse,” says Heidi.
The good news is you can provide reassurance with your non-verbal cues instead, and these can make a big difference. “Fidgeting, looking away, or checking your watch or phone can come across as dismissive,” explains Heidi. So, how can we show support? Heidi suggests “maintaining soft eye contact, and relaxed, open body language. Maintaining eye contact shows you’re engaged and listening to what the person is saying, not how they’re saying it.”
4. Don’t become their voice
As well as not interrupting the individual, it’s important to not also suggest alternative communication methods yourself, like encouraging the person to just write it down instead. “Offering someone a pen and paper to write things down, however well-intended, can feel humiliating. Some people who stammer might choose to write things down themselves to make things easier, but that’s their choice. Every person is different,” Heidi explains
5. Find out more about stammering
As with any condition, simply learning more about it can not only make sure you’re informed, but shows the individual that you’re interested in doing all you can to help them. Knowledge is power and, luckily, there are
For more information on stammers, visit the British Stammering Association site (stamma.org) or changesforstammerers.co.uk.
lots of places online to help you understand what it’s like to live with a stammer. Try the British Stammering Association’s guide for non-stammerers as a great starting point.
Along with being aware of the challenges people with a stammer face, you can learn about the numerous positive attributes, too. For example, a 2015 study (presented at the Stuttering Attitudes Research Symposium Morgantown) noted that people with stammers tend to have more empathy and compassion for others, along with resilience and creativity, to name a few of their qualities.
Supporting someone with a stammer doesn’t have to be complicated. While you can’t solve a stammer, kindness, patience, and understanding go a long way in helping them feel comfortable, validated, and supported. As Heidi puts it: ‘Treat someone who stammers the same way you’d treat anyone else you’re speaking to. That’s more supportive than you might realise.”
Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who talks about life as a mum with a speech-delayed child on her blog mumernity.co.uk and Instagram @mumernity
Considering teaching your children at home instead of traditional schooling? We’re chalking up the essentials you need to know before you make the decision…
Writing | Kerry Law
Conventional schooling –with its rigid timetables, national curriculum, and strict environment – isn’t for everyone. So, for many, home education is an attractive option. You may picture happy days of discovery, learning natural history on a woodland walk, playing maths games in the garden, or turning a baking session into a science lesson. Many families had a taste of it during the Covid-19 lockdowns (with mixed results), but thousands have taken a permanent leap, and the numbers are rising.
According to the latest figures, almost 112,000 children are in ‘elective home education’ (EHE), which is up from 92,000 the previous autumn term. But is it right for your family?
All UK children from the age of five must be in full-time education, and this can include EHE. But legalities aside, what else is involved? From practical concerns to emotional challenges, here are five key things to consider.
Home schooling means a certain freedom in your schedule. You can holiday during off-peak times, take days off without fines or
permission, and plan lessons around when your child performs at their best. But, regardless of the exact hours, it still involves a considerable amount of time.
Children attending school have around five hours of tuition a day for 190 term days a year. Home schooling need not mirror this, but it’s unlikely to work alongside a full-time job. Do you need to go part-time, or leave work altogether? Can you share schooling responsibilities with another parent or carer?
For workers, adjusting your career around EHE can have major financial implications. You’ll not only need to be realistic about the income level your family can live on, but home schooling itself has costs attached.
State schools cover various costs, which can include everything from teaching to resources, equipment, school lunches (for infants), trips, and fees for national exams (depending on the subject and awarding body, this can range from around £50–100 per GCSE, and around £100–200
for A-levels). There is no funding available for home educators, so it’s advisable to plan costs for a typical year of home schooling, and ask: ‘Can we afford it?’
Will your child be lonely?
While you get to spend more time together as a family, home schooling is very different to mixing with hundreds of other children and adults in a typical school setting. Without this regular contact, some parents fear that their child may get lonely, or fall behind in their social development.
“In a traditional school environment, children are exposed to a wide range of social experiences that help them develop essential interpersonal skills, such as interacting with peers from different backgrounds, negotiating conflict, collaborating, building friendships, and relating to a variety of adults. These experiences are harder to replicate at home,” says Hendrix Hammond, psychotherapist and spokesperson for the UK Council for Psychotherapy.
He recommends joining clubs and connecting with other home schooling families to build
friendships, and help grow your child’s confidence and emotional literacy. Home education charity Education Otherwise (educationotherwise.org) can help you find home schooling families in your area.
Adding the role of ‘teacher’ into the parent-child relationship may require some adjustment, explains Hendrix: “When home educating, it’s important to recognise that you’re creating a new kind of relationship and identity within the family, and this shift can bring challenges.
Children may resist the feeling of constantly being ‘taught’ at home, especially in an environment that has previously felt relaxed and familiar.”
He recommends establishing clear boundaries between learning time and family time. Can you designate a specific time or place for study, and communicate expectations for that space? “This can help maintain emotional balance within the home, and reduces the risk of conflict or confusion around roles,” he adds.
It’s one thing to show your child how to tie their shoelaces and
help them to learn read, but as the person responsible for their entire education –enough to prepare them for national exams and potentially further education – do you feel confident?
To home school, you don’t need specialist qualifications, and it’s not compulsory to teach the national curriculum. But, being a good teacher involves more than reading textbooks – it’s about coaxing the best out of your child, being patient and encouraging, and staying motivated to cover subjects that they (or you) may find boring.
Wisdom begins in wonder
From a fresh green salad on a summer’s day to comforting roasted vegetables on a chilly winter’s evening, plants can bring colour, warmth, and joy to our meals. And with a whole host to choose from, eating a variety of plants isn’t just a chance to enjoy more delicious dishes – it can boost our health, too.
Research about the American Gut Project, published in 2018 in the journal mSystems, backs the idea that enjoying 30 or more different plants each week supports a diverse gut microbiome. While this may initially sound intimidating, it doesn’t just mean fruit and vegetables – it can include everything from coffee to cocoa.
“Vegetables, fruit, wholegrains, legumes, nuts, seeds, herbs, and spices all have a positive impact on the gut, and overall health, by providing a diverse array
of fibre and phytochemicals –the natural compounds found in plants that work alongside nutrients and fibre – to fuel the bacteria in our gut,” explains registered nutritionist Amanda Serif. “A healthy and diverse ecosystem in the gut supports not just digestion, but also immunity, hormones, and mood.”
Eating a variety of plants can support our mental wellbeing, too. “Research refers to the gut-brain axis, which is a communication pathway between the digestive system and the brain,” says Amanda. “The gut microbiome is increasingly recognised for its ability to influence and regulate mood and behaviour by producing neurotransmitters, such as serotonin and dopamine.
Ensuring that the gut microbiome is ‘fed’ with different types of plant foods can positively
enhance brain function, and also mood.”
Like many, I often rely on cooking the same meals on repeat. Sometimes it’s from a place of comfort, and others, it’s due to a lack of time and energy to plan something more original in advance. But, encouraged by the health benefits, I decided to actively try incorporating more plants into my diet. Crucially, I wanted to enjoy it, seeing it as an opportunity to explore new ingredients and flavours, all while giving my gut a boost.
A key element here is discovering simple (and sometimes surprising) ways to incorporate more plants into our meals, that don’t create additional stress and overwhelm in daily life. So, I turned to Amanda for her expert advice. >>>
• Use herbs and spices. “These are often forgotten, but are a valuable way to add additional plants to the diet really easily,” Amanda says. She recommends everything from adding basil to a salad, to chopping parsley and coriander into quinoa or rice, or stirring mint and cumin into yoghurt for a Middle Eastern style dip.
Dried herbs count, too (which can be grown on a windowsill or balcony). So, now I take Amanda’s advice, and sprinkle a good mix of oregano and basil into a pasta sauce – delicious, and a really quick way of upping my plant intake with minimal effort.
Plants being fresh, frozen, canned, in jars, pouches, or packets are all valid ways of adding more to your diet
• Make a trail mix. This, Amanda explains, can involve putting together a jar of mixed nuts and seeds, such as pumpkin and sunflower, and using the mixture to sprinkle on top of soups, salads, yoghurt, into smoothies, or enjoying a handful as a snack.
• Enjoy more fermented foods. “These are probiotic foods that can help to repopulate the gut with beneficial bacteria,” says Amanda. Kimchi and sauerkraut add a crunchy, zesty texture
and flavour – I’ve tried adding a small scoop onto a salad, and it’s a strong taste that takes me by surprise, but works well once I’ve adjusted to it! Miso (fermented soy) has a satisfying, deep savoury flavour, so it is good to stir a teaspoon into lentil bolognaise.
• Make more use of tinned pulses. Amanda suggests things like adding a can of lentils to a soup as an easy and economical way to make shop-bought soup go further. I add chickpeas to a
couscous salad, which provides a tasty, nutty flavour. It only takes seconds to rinse the chickpeas, and definitely enhances the meal.
With countless options at our fingertips, it can be hard to know where to start with what plants to focus on. For those looking to specifically increase their intake of plants that are particularly well-regarded for supporting our mental wellbeing, Amanda highlights:
• Coloured fruit and vegetables, such as red grapes and onions, kale, broccoli, and red and yellow peppers. “Quercetin [a plant pigment, found in these foods] has been shown to regulate and influence the activity of neurotransmitters such as dopamine and serotonin,” she explains. “Although more research is needed to fully understand the therapeutic benefit of quercetin, these foods are full of fibre and nutrients that support the gut microbiome.”
• Leafy greens and cruciferous vegetables such as kale, spinach, rocket, watercress, broccoli, and cauliflower. These contain folate and magnesium, essential for neurotransmitter production to regulate mood and sleep, plus magnesium is essential for managing the stress response and sleep.
• Nuts and seeds, particularly walnuts, flax, and chia, are a source of omega 3 fatty acids,
A healthy and diverse eco-system in the gut supports not just digestion but also immunity, hormones, and mood
linked to improvements in both mood and cognition.
Eating foods we aren’t familiar with can sometimes be intimidating – so don’t feel you have to suddenly make lots of changes. Small shifts can still make a difference. “Think about where you can add an additional plant to your meal,” advises Amanda. “Can you add some frozen spinach to a pasta sauce? It can be as easy as a handful of rocket or watercress in your lunchtime sandwich.”
This also helps to ease the pressure of thinking you need to create a whole new roster of meals, and work out complicated new recipes when you might be mentally drained at the end of a day, and just want something nutritious and satisfying.
Another angle is growing your own and eating locally produced organic seasonal vegetables, which often have additional environmental benefits of reduced emissions from transport, and a lack of pesticides. Eating seasonally
helps support local businesses and communities, too, as well as helping to expand the variety of plants you eat as these naturally will change throughout the year.
I recently visited a friend who has an allotment, who told me how growing her own makes her more experimental in the kitchen. She kindly gave me some purple sprouting broccoli that I included in a stir fry the next day. It’s a vegetable I’d never cooked with before, but was pleasantly surprised at how this simple, but delicious, addition perked up my meal.
Wandering around a local farmers’ market can be another great way of stumbling upon plants you don’t often use, but Amanda emphasises that plants being fresh, frozen, canned, in jars, pouches, or packets are all valid ways of adding more to your diet.
I’ve found joy in eating more plants, and it’s helped me with my midweek cooking dilemmas and livened up my go-to meals. Whether it’s a sprinkling of seeds on a salad, or trying a new vegetable with your Sunday roast, eating more plants doesn’t have to be a problem – but a real pleasure. So, dig in.
Amanda Serif is a registered nutritionist. Find her profile on the Nutritionist Resource.
From a TV show giving a platform to neurodivergent interviewees to a hike guided by an unlikely compass, enjoy our latest 10 wonderful wellbeing recommendations
Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird
The Place I’m in: What I See When I Stop to Notice by Miranda Keeling You might know Miranda from her popular X posts documenting the small things she notices going about her everyday life, or her debut release The Year I Stopped to Notice. But, she’s now back with another book, and a heap of heart-warming observations to remind us to slow down. (Out now)
Take a penny hike
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Help water trees in your city Trees for Cities is a growing charity that helps revitalise urban spaces by planting trees, and it’s calling for volunteers to help give young urban trees the best chance of survival by helping to water them as the summers become more dry. (Find out more at treesforcities.org)
‘Stories in Colour’
Aside from understanding that colour influences the way we perceive the world and affects how we feel, what else do we know? The educational ‘Stories in Colour’ podcast, hosted by London’s National Gallery, reveals the secret histories of colour, and it’s a fascinating listen! (Available on all podcast platforms)
Find a penny, pick it up… and let it guide you on an adventure. It’s an outdoor activity used by the Scouts and Guides, but it’s one we can all find enjoyment in at any age. When you reach a junction, assign a direction to either heads or tails, and let your coin flip decide where you end up.
Olivia Dodd on TikTok
Olivia is a poet who carries around her typewriter, and brings joy and healing to strangers’ lives, one line at a time. She writes custom poems for strangers who pass her by, each looking for a glimmer of positivity and reassurance from what is clouding their minds at that moment in time, which she then reads back to them. (Follow @olivia.poetess on TikTok)
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Learn about water safety
Do you know what to do when you’ve fallen into deep water? Our natural reaction would be to thrash around in panic, but life-saving advice from the RNLI charity suggests that we float on our backs. Having this survival skill in your back pocket will help build your confidence around water safety, and minimise the risk of drowning. (Read their five steps at rnli.org/safety/float’)
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The Assembly
Use Instagram’s time management feature Instagram can be a great space for connection and escapism, but knowing when to stop scrolling and find headspace away from your phone is essential. Under the ‘time management’ tab in your settings, you can set a daily limit to spend on the app, so that you can enjoy social media in a healthy way.
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Line dancing
Line dancing has made a comeback thanks to traction on social media, and we’re ready to put our cowboy boots on! You don’t have to be a seasoned professional to join in, you just need to be a fan of country music and easy twostep sequences. Ready to step in line? Yee haw! (Get started with tutorials on YouTube)
If you were given the opportunity to interview your favourite celebrity guest, what would you ask? In each episode of The Assembly, one celebrity guest faces a grilling from 35 neurodivergent interviewees. We love that it puts neurodivergent voices centre stage. (Watch previous episodes itv.com)
Hope Rope Bracelet
These beautiful bracelets inscribed with the word ‘hope’ remind us about the importance of remaining hopeful in the face of adversities, founded by someone who discovered inner strength in using mantras as a tool to help her navigate a period of profound difficulty. Plus, 10% of profits are donated to Brainstrust. (beautybrainuk.com, £16)
For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com
Which metaphor is associated with hope?
a) You can’t pour from an empty cup
b) Light at the end of the tunnel
c) Life is a rollercoaster
*Competition closes 30 September 2025. UK and NI only. Good luck!
If you’re dealing with dating app fatigue, here’s how to reignite your search for love…
Putting yourself out there on the dating scene requires a substantial investment in terms of time, energy, and money. Perhaps then, it’s not surprising that 78% of users say they feel “emotionally, mentally, or physically exhausted” by them, according to a 2024 study by Forbes Health. In addition to this, a 2024 Online Nation report from Ofcom notes that the most popular apps (namely Tinder, Hinge, Bumble, and Grindr) all
lost UK users between May 2023 and May 2024.
I must admit, as someone who met the love of their life on Tinder, I hold out hope for the power of dating apps. Yes, they take some of the spontaneity out of meeting new people, and yes, there is a monotony to constant swiping which can become allconsuming – but it doesn’t have to be that way.
With that in mind, here are some practical tips on how to
address the drudgery of dating apps, and maintain good mental health while you’re swiping for a soulmate.
START TO RECONNECT WITH YOUR ‘WHY’
Like social media, dating apps are designed to keep you hooked – with constant notifications, likes, and messages, the dopamine hit that comes from potentially finding the love of your life is hard to detach from.
But if you can get closer to figuring out why you’re on the apps in the first place, it can help you set healthy boundaries. Are you looking for fun? Intellectual stimulation? A serious relationship? Figuring this out might involve talking to a counsellor or therapist to unpick your beliefs around what kind of relationship you think you ‘should’ be in at this stage in your life. With a trained professional, you can explore the unconscious beliefs and patterns that underpin your search for love. Gaining clarity might mean admitting you don’t want a serious relationship, then making that clear in your profile. Or the opposite – that you’re looking for a life partner. Tweak your filters based on this, so that you connect with people who have similar relationship goals and interests.
Don’t be afraid to unmatch or walk away early, even if you’ve invested time having conversations with them in the past. It’s not about being ‘too picky’ – it’s about knowing yourself so well that you’re able to say ‘no thanks’ to make room for ‘hell yes’. This means less pointless, life-draining DMs, and more of what you actually want.
Part of the burnout that comes with dating apps is the sheer volume of interactions that are devoid of real connection, with
back-and-forth on DMs broken up over days, or even weeks, without ever really getting to know someone properly.
The reality is that, sometimes, we’re chatting to multiple people on the apps in the hope that this increases our chances of ‘success’. The consequence? Conversations are rushed, disingenuous, and there is a lack of mutual effort.
The antidote is to remind yourself that genuine connections do exist, so in between IRL dates, make time to catch up with friends (vent about how abysmal the dating scene is if it helps!), and do things that reinforce your identity outside of romantic relationships.
If dating is affecting your selfesteem, psychotherapist Dr Ali Ross notes that this has the potential to become a powerful moment of self-interrogation. “Note how you’re judging the people you’re connecting with. The way you judge them gives you a decent clue as to how you’re judging yourself,” he explains.
“Dating apps are designed around quick judgement, fast and repeat engagement, which is, ironically, the opposite of what’s desired when trying to meet someone who meaningfully cares about you.”
Dr Ross points out that it’s near impossible to get to know
Shifting your energy can make space for more organic, joyful connections – romantic or otherwise
someone deeply on a dating app: “So, how much of ‘you’ is being rejected? It always bites to be turned down, but it’s worth considering how much they know of you to meaningfully reject.”
If a particular app isn’t working for you, or is making you feel especially low or hopeless, consider taking some time away. Taking a month to disconnect and reflect on who you are, and what you really want out of life, can leave you feeling reinvigorated and ready to jump back in with a more optimistic mindset, self-confidence, and plenty to talk about.
“Swiping when distracted, bored, or procrastinating is likely going to lead to less desirable connections,” says Dr Ross, “so only engage with apps when you’re in the mood.”
Deleting the apps while you’re on holiday or focusing on a work project will also help with those feelings of mental exhaustion, and ensure you’re not burning the candle at both ends.
If the apps are feeling stale, but you’re not ready to give up on dating entirely, try flipping the script. Say yes to setups from friends (yes, even the awkward ones), go solo to an event you’d normally skip, or join a class just for fun – pottery, climbing, improv, or whatever floats your boat. Not with the intention of meeting someone, but to reconnect with curiosity, community, and yourself. Shifting your energy can make space for more organic, joyful connections – romantic or otherwise.
“The most seemingly innocuous moments can turn out to be profound, and vice versa,” says Dr Ross. “Ultimately, giving yourself a break not to get your app usage ‘right’, and finding kindness for yourself amongst the absurdity of it, will go a surprisingly long way.”
Remember, if the process of dating is draining you, it’s OK to pause, pivot, or redefine what love looks like for you. There’s no shame in wanting love, just as there’s no shame in needing a break from the pursuit of it.
Dr Ali Ross is a psychotherapist and the founder of Caya Therapy practice in
Find out more on the Counselling Directory.
Looking for support with your mental health?
If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E
Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org
SANEline
SANEline offers support and information from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000
Mind
Mind offers advice Mon–Fri 9am–6pm, except bank holidays: 0300 123 3393. Or email: info@mind.org.uk
Switchboard
Switchboard is a line for LGBT+ support. Open from 10am–10pm: 0800 0119 100. Or web chat: switchboard.lgbt
Here are some places that can help: p70
Visit dls.org.uk to learn more about how to access free advice on employment and discrimination at work. p45
Talk to Macmillan cancer specialists for free on 0808 808 00 00. Lines are open daily, 8am–8pm.
Visit stamma.org to connect via webchat, or call 0808 802 0002 (Mon–Thurs, 10am–2pm and 4pm–8pm) p36
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