Happiful Issue 96

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

Dark horse of wellbeing Why you shouldn't overlook the power of equine therapy

Lyrical genius

ISSUE 96 £5.99

Hay fever hangovers Don’t let a high pollen count hold you back

The sex factor

Putting myths about sex to bed

This year's Happiful Poetry Prize winners inside...

STRESS LEVEL: ITICAL CR

Counter chronic stress & take control of your cortisol levels

ANXIETY PUZZLE | SHINE THEORY | ETHICAL SKINCARE | WAITING MODE

Ralph Waldo Emerson

24 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

Photography | Lucas Fonseca

The Earth laughs in flowers

A mental labyrinth Given this is our eighth anniversary issue, I feel I should be transparent. It is truly the privilege of a lifetime to curate content that can genuinely change lives, bring us together as a community, and serve as a signal flare for those feeling alone in the dark.

But, as much as we advocate recognising the joy in the smallest of moments, Happiful has never been about plastering over the cracks with toxic positivity.

It probably doesn’t surprise you to hear that this job can be stressful. There’s a lot of work, and responsibility, on my shoulders. This reached a peak over the past few months, and my body’s been screaming at me to take note, thanks to a pretty severe eczema flare-up.

Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

It’s not just painful, itchy skin, or the aching eyes, or the brain fog. It’s feeling like you’ve been dropped into a labyrinth, trying to find answers to make your way out. And the hopelessness of following all the guidance you’re given, only to find yourself at a dead end, yet again.

Putting together this issue, it dawned on me how many of you might feel like you’re lost, too, with so many paths and options that you don’t know where to turn, or which is the right course. We are all manoeuvring our own maze; our paths might vary, and challenges might differ, but at the centre we’re all seeking something.

Much like in the Greek myth, where Theseus navigates the labyrinth thanks to Ariadne’s thread, it can be

metaphorical threads of connection that lead us through the dark times, even when what we most want to do is withdraw (p62).

It might be finding new hobbies and turning strangers into friends, like the Conversation Starter Project (p22).

Or perhaps it’s the magnetic power of animals that seem to see into our souls, and help us heal in unexpected ways, as with equine-assisted therapy (p58).

Maybe it’s simply reading a poem, like our wonderful winning verses featured throughout this issue, and feeling as though all the unspoken things n your mind have been encapsulated by the writer, despite never having met. Despite never even knowing that finding the words to express what you’ve been feeling is what you’ve been searching for all along.

If mythology has taught us anything, it’s that trying to muddle through alone rarely ends well. Drawing on those threads that tie us, and weaving a few more, is really a route that could help us return to the light.

Happy reading,

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges W | happiful.com F | happifulhq X | @happifulhq I | @happiful_magazine

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

T | @happiful_magazine

Blooming brilliant 15 Understanding 'oubaitori' The Japanese idiom highlighting that we all 'bloom in our own time'

39 Fill up on joyful snacking The little-and-often approach that could improve your state of mind

58

58 We're not horsing around Uncover the healing powers of equine therapy

72 Travelling within Transform your getaway into a journey of self-discovery

Wellbeing 12 'Waiting mode' explained Get unstuck when anticipation anxiety takes over your day

19 Are you living with unresolved trauma?

Five signs to look out for

62 Spotting social isolation How to know when alone time does more harm than good

78 Spiritual bypassing Is an obsession with positive thinking acting as a barrier to personal growth?

51

21 ‘Breathing free’ Val Ormrod

Positive pointers

35 ‘Drum Kit’ Leeonie Mignott

28 The wheel of self-care Spin for inspiration today

42 Make the most of therapy Practical tips that you can take into your next session

The Happiful MUS Poetry Prize READT!

47 ‘Dirty laundry’

Try this at home 26 Exercising with pals

80 Natural instincts

48 Clean up your skincare

Treating nature-deficit disorder in the modern world

61 Prepare to be puzzled

Becky Bennetts

65 ‘Correlation’ Oliver Berry

75 ‘Where The Light Gets In’ Emma-Jane Barlow

Happiful

R EG U LA R S

22 Community corner Meet the psychologist who is helping locals 'walk and talk'

24 Ask the experts

27

Release old timelines through the power of your subconcious

11 The wellbeing wrap 71 Brand new books 76 Switch things up PRINT EXCLUSIVE

83 Spring clean your habits

Sam from Brighton opens up about his experience

Journal your way to more productive patterns

Putting sex myths to bed

54 Expert column A practical four-step guide to solving your anxiety puzzle

66 Michelle Elman Why 'shine theory' might be your secret to success

Relationships 29 Marriage after divorce How to mentally prepare for getting hitched second time round

68 It takes a village When a loved one has a baby, your help can be invaluable

Food & health 32 Hay fever hangover Yes, it's a thing – but you can ease symptoms with these tips

78

7 Mental health headlines

36 Anxiety on your mind

51 Myths, debunked

44

Culture

44 Control your cortisol Could what you eat help counter the effects of chronic stress?

56 Freshly baked banana bread, anyone?

* Expert review

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

In life we experience many events; in some instances, severe negative events which can lead to trauma.

This can have a lasting impact on who we become, and can even present unconsciously, leading to further complexity when trying to understand ourselves. Check out p19 for tips on identifying trauma. The first step is becoming aware of its effects – which can be incredibly insightful. Next is working through the experience, which will likely be challenging, but has great potential to lead to a more fulfilling life.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in spirituality and working with males.

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue VIVIENNE RAWNSLEY

GEORGINA STURMER

BEd Dip.TC Dip.Hyp MBACP

BA (Hons) MBACP

Vivienne is a counsellor and coach working with individuals and couples.

Georgina is an integrative counsellor helping clients create a more confident life.

HELEN UNWIN

ILIAS BLOOMFIELD

ACC

BSc (Hons) MSc MBACP

Helen is an ADHD/confidence coach focused on selfacceptance and awareness.

Ilias is a psychodynamic psychotherapist with an interest in gender, sexuality, and relationships.

Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor Fiona Fletcher Reid | Features Editor Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers Kate Norris | Content Creator & Writer Michelle Elman, Steve Maher | Columnists Ellen Lees | Head of Content Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Charlotte Noel | Creative Lead Rosan Magar | Illustrator & Videographer

COMMUNICATIONS Alice Greedus | PR Manager

GIGI KAUR

CATHERINE WESTON

BSc MSc PGDip MBABCP MEMDRUK

MA EMDR EUROPE MBACP

Gigi is a psychotherapist specialising in trauma, with a holistic approach to healing.

Catherine is a psychotherapist specialising in compassionfocused therapy.

STEVE MAHER

SALLY POTTER

MA Cert. PCIC Dip.Psych MAC MHGI

HPD DSFH DCR(R) MNCH MAfSFH

Steve is a consultant, professional coach, psychotherapist, and writer.

Sally is a solution-focused hypnotherapist and women's retreat leader in Devon.

NATALIE ENGLANDER

CRESSIDA REESE

BSc PGDip BABCP

BA (Hons) MIAHT MIANLPC MNNA

Natalie is a senior cognitive behavioural therapist and perfectionism expert.

Cressida is a nutritional consultant specialising in hair mineral analysis.

Emily Whitton | Marketing Coordinator

CONTRIBUTORS Emma-Jane Barlow, Caroline Butterwick, Becky Bennetts, Oliver Berry, Rebekah Crilly, Jo Dunbar, Kerry Law, Leeonie Mignott, Val Ormrod, Sam Thomas, Cressida Reese, Mahevash Shaikh, Vivienne Rawnsley, Jenna Farmer, Kai Conibear

SPECIAL THANKS Ilias Bloomfield, Roxy Bourdillon, Natalie Englander, Dr Jenny Goodman, Chloe Gosiewski, Gigi Kaur, Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo, Sam Quinn, Karen MacDonald, Dr Danielle Mills, Dr Sophie Mort, Ketaki Natekar, Sally Potter, Charlotte Vøhtz, Catherine Weston, Sedef Salim, Georgina Sturmer, Helen Unwin, Donna Peters

MANAGEMENT Amy-Jean Burns | Chief Executive Officer Claire Vince | Chief Operations Officer

SUBSCRIPTIONS

DR DANIELLE MILLS

CHLOE GOSIEWSKI

BSc MSc PhD PGCert. MBACP FHEA

Adv.Dip LC MAC

Dr Mills is a counsellor specialising in working with children and young people.

Chloe is a travel and professional marketing coach, helping people meet their goals.

SEDEF SALIM MSC MBACP PNCPS (ACC.)

Sedef is an integrative psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

CONTACT Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

HAPPIFUL FAMILY Helping you find the help you need.

Counselling Directory, Life Coach Directory, Hypnotherapy Directory, Nutritionist Resource, Therapy Directory

Join the Happiful Expert Panel Are you a wellbeing expert with valuable insight to share? Happiful professional membership includes opportunities to be featured in our award-winning magazine. Discover how to join by emailing us at professionals@happiful.com

CBP006075

The Uplift HEALTH

NHS woes mean nearly half of Brits go online to self-diagnose health worries People are taking their health into their own hands it seems, as nearly half of those in the UK have used online health info to self-diagnose, according to a survey of 4,000 people by insurance company AXA. Results revealed that 48% of people had self-diagnosed using health information online at least once in the past year, with 18% of 16 to 24-year-olds doing so at least four times.

The survey also found that 30% of respondents turned to social media platforms for health insights, raising concerns about the accuracy of the content being consumed. Although people most commonly self-diagnosed ailments such as hay fever, sunburn, and common colds, 32% have self-diagnosed a mental health condition.

So, why are people turning to Dr Google for help? The report

cites difficulties in securing an NHS appointment in a timely manner (36%), and concerns about long waiting lists (22%) as the top driving factors of self-diagnosis, highlighting the need for systemic changes to address the problem.

In January, the UK government announced its plan to tackle the 7.5 million strong waiting list, with prime minister Keir Starmer promising to end backlogs and make millions more appointments available, providing greater choice and convenience for patients.

As the country awaits these improvements, it’s clear that accessible and trustworthy healthcare information is essential – with patients increasingly seeking information online as a first step due to lack of support.

The AXA report suggests it will be vital to enforce verified accounts for medical professionals, stricter guidelines on health content online, and the flagging of misleading health claims, in order to minimise risks of misdiagnoses.

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid happiful.com | Issue 96 | 7

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NUTRITION

New study links vegan diet to a healthier microbiome Following a vegan diet has been linked to a healthier gut microbiome, according to a 2025 study – but you don’t have to cut out animal products entirely to see benefits.

Published in the journal Nature Microbiology, the research examined the gut bacteria of more than 21,000 people in the UK and US with varying diets – omnivore, vegan, and vegetarian. The findings showed that those with a vegan diet had higher levels of healthy bacteria, known for producing short-chain fatty acids, which play a key role in reducing inflammation and supporting metabolic health.

Meanwhile, those with an omnivore diet (which includes both plant-based and animal-based foods) produced more harmful bacteria, associated with inflammation and poor cardio health.

Vegetarians produced microbes that fell in between both.

“This study underscores how important diet is in shaping the gut microbiome, and our overall health,” says Tim Spector, founder of gut health company ZOE, who was involved in the research.

But, despite vegetarians and vegans having the healthiest guts, they found that omnivores who increased their intake of fruits, vegetables, and whole grains went on to show significant improvements in gut health.

So, next time you plate up, add in some extra veggies. Your gut will thank you later!

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird happiful.com | Issue 96 | 9

SCIENCE

Human ‘hibernation’ discovery could transform treatment for stroke and cardiac arrest patients Scientists have recently discovered how to mimic hibernation in non-hibernating animals, opening up the potential for new treatments for both stroke and cardiac arrest patients.

In the US, Oregon Health & Science University (OHSU) researchers have identified a process that could one day help clinicians lower the body temperature of those experiencing life-threatening events. This would mean that vital parts of the body, like the brain or heart, wouldn’t need as much oxygen – allowing

them to survive a lack of oxygen for longer, and potentially improving functional outcomes of strokes or heart attacks.

This new discovery on how the brain controls changes in temperature regulation could lead to controlled hypothermia in humans. Domenico Tupone, PhD, senior author of the study and research assistant professor of neurological surgery in the OHSU School of Medicine, says: “If we had a mechanism that allows us to transform humans into hibernating animals, we could

achieve and control therapeutic hypothermia much better.”

This ability to create controlled hypothermia could be a useful development in medicine, helping during surgeries, treating metabolic disorders, and managing brain surgery, because lowering body temperature can reduce tissue damage and improve recovery.

While we may not be turning into hibernating creatures just yet, this research is a hopeful and illuminating step towards lifesaving medical advances.

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

PREGNANCY

RSV vaccine: one in three pregnant women take up newborn-boosting jab One in three pregnant women received the new respiratory syncytial virus (RSV) vaccine in its first month, protecting newborns from a virus that hospitalises 30,000 UK children under five each year.

The vaccine rollout began in September 2024, when 33.6% of women giving birth took up the offer in the first month, giving protection to newborns against what can be a life-threatening illness. It typically causes mild, cold-like symptoms, but can lead to severe lung infections 10 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

like pneumonia and infant bronchiolitis, and is a leading cause of infant mortality globally.

Pregnant women in the UK are now offered their RSV vaccine around the 28-week antenatal appointment. Getting the vaccine during pregnancy has been found to be the best way to protect newborns against RSV, as it boosts the immune system, increasing antibodies, which pass through the placenta to help protect babies from the day they are born.

Dr Conall Watson, consultant epidemiologist at at the UK Health

Security Agency, says: “The RSV vaccine offers a vital opportunity for any mums-to-be to protect their babies from severe RSV lung infection, and it’s encouraging to see the RSV programme getting off to such a positive start with more than a third of women who gave birth in September having had the vaccine.”

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

The

wellbeing wrap HE IS A FAITHFUL

Plates, in London, has become the UK’s first Michelin-starred vegan restaurant

Danny Jones, from McFly, has become an official

ambassador for charity CALM (Campaign Against Living The Traitors star Alexander Miserably) after opening up about his mental health in Dragonetti may not have the jungle, on 2024’s I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here. won the show, but the public still rallied behind him with a Can you feel it? surge of donations to Mencap The band Wet Wet Wet may have sung ‘I feel it in my after he stated his intention fingers’, but now scientists have confirmation. Mapping to contribute to the charity if where we feel emotions in our body, and comparing he won, in honour of his late against past research and historic texts, the study, brother who had a learning published in iScience, found that where we feel things disability. The charity saw more has changed over time. Mesopotamians felt happiness than £70,000 come in as a in their livers, and anger in their feet, while modern day result of the people’s champion people say they feel these in their chest and hands. sharing his story, showing that Love used to be felt in the liver, heart, and knees, but being a winner comes in more nowadays is considered to be a full-body sensation. ways that one...

Cracking down on crime Apple’s board of directors has rejected a proposal to end its diversity, equity, and inclusion programmes

Global fur production has dropped 85% in the past 10 years, reaching the lowest levels since 2010

The previous three-year time limit for sexual abuse claims has been axed in England and Wales

Coersive and controlling behaviour is now being treated as seriously as other domestic abuse offensives, such as threats to kill and stalking, in England and Wales. Those convicted of the crime, who are sentenced to 12 months or longer, will automatically be put under ‘multi-agency public protection arrangements’ (Mappa), which means police, probation, and other services must work together to reduce any risks the offenders pose, including sharing information with the public or former partners if it’s believed they are under threat of danger. The good news is that it’s been reported by the Ministry of Justice that using this scheme has reduced reoffending rates to below half of the national average.

In Brazil, 4,900 yellowspotted river turtles (tracajás) have been released into the Igapó-Açu River in efforts to help increase their numbers in the wild.

Movie magic

MediCinema, a charity supporting the wellbeing of hospital patients using the silver screen, won the 2025 Bafta for Outstanding British Contribution to Cinema.

FASHION FORWARD Allowing patients and their In an encouraging move families a few hours of for inclusivity, 25-yearescapism during times of old Elliott Caswell, from hardship, the charity has Newcastle, who has state-of-the-art cinemas cerebral palsy, has become for patients to watch new a model for Primark’s new releases for free, even range of clothes designed in their own to be adapted for adults hospital beds.

with disabilities.

SMILING THROUGH IT While we wouldn’t advocate hiding your true feelings, intentionally smiling during moments of pain has been found to actually be a useful coping mechanism to get through the task at hand. The study, published in the Journal of Positive Psychology, reported that spontaneous smiling during painful experiences can lower your heart rate, with participants noting they felt better afterwards.

The FDA recently approved the first non-opioid painkiller in more than 20 years. Journavx can treat those with moderate to severe pain, and with 2.5 million adults in the US reportedly with painkiller addiction, this alternative option could help to counter the addictive power of opioids.

THE CAT IN THE HAT

Researchers have taken a leaf out of Dr Seuss’s book, with an inventive new way of studying cat brains to understand the chronic pain 25% of adult felines experience with osteoarthritis. The study, from the University of Montreal, put electrodes inside specially knitted hats in a world-first method to review cat brains in a non-invasive way while they’re awake.

The waiting game Do you ever feel ‘stuck’, anticipation rising, because you have plans later in the day that seem to dictate all your time in the build up? You might be in ‘waiting mode’...

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

I

magine this: you’ve been waiting all month for a lunch date with your bestie, and the day has finally arrived. It’s Saturday morning, after what’s felt like a very long, busy week. But it’s early morning now, and your reservation isn’t until 1.30pm. You know there’s no reason to avoid doing other things in the meantime – perhaps going for a walk or diving into a book – but you’re too anxious to do anything other than simply wait for time to pass. You don’t want to end up miscalculating and being late. You’re frozen; you’re in waiting mode.

What is waiting mode?

Commonly discussed in relation to those with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), ‘waiting mode’ is a state where someone feels unable to start or complete tasks when they have an upcoming appointment, or event later that day. “It’s like our minds get stuck, frequently focusing on the future event, impacting our ability to focus on present tasks,” explains therapist and coach Natalie Englander.

12 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

What are the causes?

There are several reasons why neurodivergent people may experience this phenomenon.

For example, ADHDers have limited working memory, which means you might worry that you’ll forget about the upcoming appointment, leading you to fixate on the event to ensure you don’t overlook it. Hyperfocus plays a similar role; maybe in the past, you’ve missed appointments because you were so deeply focused on something else that you lost track of time. To cope, you don’t allow yourself to do anything, just in case it swallows up your attention.

Another contributing factor is ‘time blindness’ – the inability to recognise when time has passed, or to estimate how long something will take – which can lead to long, unproductive stretches because you’re unable to manage or make use of the time leading up to the appointment. To top it all off, you may also find yourself in waiting mode as a result of decision paralysis – the overwhelm that comes from figuring out how

to use your time, which, when combined with the factors outlined already, may feel close to impossible.

Although waiting mode is often associated with ADHD, it can also be experienced by neurotypical brains. According to Natalie, this can be the result of unhelpful thinking styles: “We might be making negative ‘predictions’ about how the appointment is going to go, or we might be ‘catastrophising’ that something will go wrong at the event, or we might make assumptions and find ourselves ‘mind-reading’ with thoughts that people won’t like us, or we might ‘compare and despair’ believing that everyone else handles these events much better than us.

“When we think negatively about things, the event or appointment is more likely to be perceived as a threat, and when there’s a potential threat (real or imagined) it’s much harder to focus on other things like getting tasks done.”

Anxiety is another potential cause. “Our fight-or-flight response might kick in, and it’s

Although waiting mode is often associated with ADHD, it can also be experienced by neurotypical brains important to remember our emotional and physical responses aren’t always just to fight or flight, we can also experience a ‘freeze’ response, too, which might contribute to a sense of stuckness and being unable to do anything else,” explains Natalie.

An inability to regulate emotions can contribute as well. Natalie says: “We might feel less able to tolerate the anticipation of an upcoming appointment or event if it’s anxiety-inducing, or we might struggle to tolerate the feelings of impatience, making it harder to focus on other things and engage in more productive activities.”

While waiting mode isn’t a clinical term, it’s a widely recognised concept that has a genuine impact on those who experience it. So, what can we do about it?

Focus on the present

Honing your ability to focus can give you a sense of control when you’re in waiting mode.

Natalie suggests mindfulness as a strategy to build up this skill.

“It’s helpful to remember there are different ways to practise >>>

happiful.com | Issue 96 | 13

Timeblocking helps to create psychological permission for you to fully engage in the present tasks mindfulness – it doesn’t just have to involve sitting for long periods of time listening to a meditation recording!” Natalie says. “You can practise mindfulness while walking around, focusing on what you can see and hear around you for example, or you can do it by spending just one minute focusing on your breathing, before continuing on with your day as normal.”

Ground yourself

When you feel stuck in waiting mode, and anxiety seems like the cause, Natalie recommends getting grounded to halt overthinking. “Try the 5-4-3-2-1 grounding technique – notice five things you see, four things you hear, three things you can feel, two things you smell, and one thing you can taste.” This refocuses your attention on the present moment, away from the worry of what’s to come.

Timeblocking

If time blindness makes waiting mode particularly common for you, try designating specific 14 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

blocks of time for doing particular tasks. For example, in the time before your appointment you could allow yourself 90 minutes to fully sink into a TV show. Alternatively, map out your entire morning in timeblocks. “For example, one hour for emails, 30 minutes for exercise, and so on, and see if it helps writing it down and creating yourself a plan to follow,” suggests Natalie. “This helps you to be productive and stay on track, as well as creating psychological permission for you to fully engage in the present tasks.”

play loud music as you clean, mark off a habit tracker after you exercise, or try to beat the clock by pairing odd socks as quickly as you can, followed by your favourite snack as a reward for completing it.

Waiting mode can feel frustrating, but with the right tools and strategies, you can take back control and ease the anxiety of anticipation.

By grounding yourself in the present, and reframing the waiting period as an opportunity rather than an obstacle, you can turn those in-between moments into something meaningful.

Gamify tasks

Instead of seeing waiting mode as a period of time you have to wade through, reframe it as a game by using timers and rewards. “If you know you’ve got an hour until you need to leave for your appointment, give yourself a target of what task you want to do, set a timer, and make it fun,” says Natalie. Of course, what makes a task fun is unique to you – perhaps you

Natalie Englander is a senior cognitive behavioural therapist and coach, specialising in working with perfectionists and high-achievers.

Visit the Counselling Directory to get in touch.

blooming brilliant

oubaitori?

What is

Can the staggered variation in blossoming trees teach us about how we should deal with comparison?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

‘

E

ach flower blooms in its own time’: that’s the concept behind the Japanese idiom ‘oubaitori’. It comes from the kanji (the logographic Japanese writing system, adapted from Chinese characters) for the four trees that bloom in spring: cherry, plum, apricot, and peach.

Each of these flowers is equally beautiful, and each one equally productive, but they bloom at different times. And there’s a lesson there.

You’ve probably heard of the phrase ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. But it’s not just a throwaway comment, but a real, studied behaviour. A 2024 study, published in the journal Personality and Individual

Differences, looked into how comparing yourself to others you see on Instagram can impact your mental health. Researchers found that social media comparisons can make people feel more depressed, and being depressed can also make people more likely to compare themselves to others. This behaviour goes on to create a vicious cycle where depression leads to more comparisons, which in turn worsens depression.

What’s clear is that comparison to others can come with a lot of distress, so where does the behaviour come from? Life coach Helen Unwin has a theory.

“Standardised testing is commonplace throughout the school system, performance

reviews rate you against your peers at work but, in my opinion, the comparison starts way before that; pretty much from birth.

“When my first son was born, I was part of an antenatal group, which was so valuable to me in the early days, and even now. But as soon as all the babies were born there was almost a race for them to be the first to reach each milestone.”

That race doesn’t stop there.

Helen points to the example of talking to a well-meaning family member who asks: ‘What’s next?’

“Just finished school? When are you getting a job? Have a job?

When are you up for promotion?

Engaged? Have you set the date?

Married? When will we hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet? Have >>> happiful.com | Issue 96 | 15

Who made the ‘rules’ about what you should want and when? a child? When will they have a brother or sister? And so on,” Helen says. “The rush is real, and the path defined.”

And then, as if that wasn’t all enough, we’ve also got social media to contend with.

“The comparison trap in social media comes from comparing our everyday life to momentary glimpses into a highlight reel of other people’s lives,” says Helen.

“When you’ve had a bad day at work and you see Cheryl from primary school has 12 perfectly matching, clean kids with various medals hanging around their necks and a cheesy tagline like, ‘All in a day’s work,’ it doesn’t make you feel great about your life. Within minutes, we can go from being satisfied with our life, relationships, family, appearance, home, and kids to a place of comparison, lack, and ‘notenoughness’.”

Over time, this constant race against other people can really begin to take its toll on us, in more ways than one. Helen points out that if we’re constantly looking at other people’s lives, we may never define what is truly 16 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

important to us – and then when we do reach those goals, we feel empty. What’s more, continuously chasing the next thing leads us to neglect recognising the good things we do currently have in our lives.

Finding oubaitori

So, how can we take the powerful, poetic concept behind oubaitori to celebrate our unique paths and journeys, and apply it to our real, day-to-day lives?

Helen breaks it down into three simple steps: Step one: Work out what is really important to you Helen suggests that this can be done in a few different ways.

Define your personal values “Knowing what is really important to you can help you make decisions about relationships, work, friendships and your life as a whole,” Helen explains. “One way to do this is by defining your personal values.

These are words or phrases that feel particularly important to you. Often they can be revealed

blooming brilliant

when you feel angry about something, as it could mean your value has been ignored. You can find exercises and long lists of values online, or can visit the VIA strengths website (viacharacter. org). It has a free survey to help you find your top five character strengths (or values).”

Create a ‘Wheel of Life’ “The Wheel of Life is a great coaching tool to help create a view of what a 10/10 life would look like for you, in all areas of your life. You define what would make your life fantastic in each category or area, and choose one or more to work on at a time to try to build a life based on what is important to you. There are plenty of online templates, or you can find mine on my website, helenunwincoaching.com.”

Reflect on your life today “Who made the ‘rules’ about what you should want and when? Was it you or someone else?” Helen asks. “If you enjoy journaling, answer this question using whatever format works for you – whether that’s typing >>> happiful.com | Issue 96 | 17

it out, writing on paper, using voice notes, or any other tool that works for you. This will help you get clear on whether you are living a life on your rules or someone else’s. And if it is someone else’s, what would you like to do about it?”

Step two: Look at nature Much like with the oubaitori metaphor itself, nature can hold untold inspiration. “I love trees for so many reasons,” Helen says.

“They always make me reflect on how worth is often based on one right or wrong way to be, but the trees change so distinctively throughout the year, and every stage is necessary. I also think about the birds and wonder if the robins ever want to be ducks, and how much of a waste it would be if they couldn’t see they are just as lovely as ducks, and that variety makes the world more interesting.”

Step three: Is it time to change your algorithm?

“I noticed more and more on my streaming account that the shows I was being presented with weren’t based on my actual interests, but more about my demographic and what women my age ‘should’ want to watch (mainly reality TV where everyone was comparing themselves or being judged), so I decided to do something about it.

I deleted my watch history, which gave a clear-out to the algorithm, and I started seeing a better mix of shows.

“I also do this in my social media accounts by searching up 18 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

more positive content types to try to open up the subjects I see, so I don’t feel like I’m being pigeonholed into someone a random computer thinks I am, rather than the real me.”

It’s your time to bloom

It’s fair to say that we all need a reminder to step away from the rat race every now and then.

Comparison comes at us from every direction and, before we’ve even realised it, can throw us off course and distract us from the unique and wonderful qualities we already possess. Oubaitori is a reminder to go at our own pace and celebrate the beauty, talent, and originality that we already possess – and that’s something worth nurturing.

Helen Unwin is an ADHD and confidence coach, focusing on selfacceptance and awareness. Get in touch via the Life Coach Directory.

5 signs of unresolved trauma Red flags that may signal unprocessed emotions Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

W

hen it comes to understanding emotional trauma, there’s no one-size-fits-all description, but recognising the patterns can help you identify it.

It’s possible for emotional trauma to arise from a single distressing experience, or develop gradually through a series of events. Trauma is subjective – what deeply affects one person may have no impact on another. The trigger could be anything from the loss of a pet to domestic abuse – each person processes experiences differently.

When trauma goes unprocessed, it becomes embedded in the nervous system, often going unnoticed for weeks, months, or even years. While much of our understanding about trauma’s effects comes from post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) research, you don’t need a clinical diagnosis to experience its impact. The signs discussed can manifest with any type of unresolved trauma, regardless of whether it meets the criteria for PTSD.

At one point, being alert to potential dangers may have served you well. For example, if you grew up in an unpredictable household, you may have been highlyattuned to changes in moods as a way to protect yourself. Over a prolonged period, this heightened state can be harmful. Signs of hypervigilance include: sweating, increased heart rate, and feeling jumpy, or very fearful.

1. Hypervigilance

A traumatic event can leave you feeling powerless, and you likely never want to experience that again. In an attempt to mitigate this risk of losing your power, you might find yourself needing to be

Hypervigilance – the state of being constantly on guard, or being extremely alert to potential danger – is considered a maladaptive coping mechanism.

2. Numbing

If you feel emotionally detached from certain memories, behaviours, or thoughts, this can leave you feeling numb. This can be a sign of unresolved trauma, because it suggests that your brain has sought safety by disconnecting from uncomfortable emotions.

Because the act of numbing stops you from experiencing what’s going on inside emotionally, there can be a tendency for others (and yourself) to judge the impact of trauma as less severe than it actually is.

3. Seeking control

in control, all the time. This could present as overscheduling, never deviating from a plan, always sticking to what you know instead of trying new things, or obsessing over people and things to the point where it damages your mental health.

4. Disturbed sleep

Nightmares and sleep disturbances are common responses to trauma. Research on PTSD patients, published in Frontiers in Psychiatry, found that insomnia, sleepwalking, sleep paralysis, and restless leg syndrome all frequently occur in people with unresolved trauma.

5. Unexplained physical illness

A systematic review, published in Psychosomatic Medicine, reported that people with PTSD were twice as likely to have functional somatic syndrome (a group of chronic diagnoses with no identifiable organic cause) – such as irritable bowel syndrome, chronic fatigue syndrome, and fibromyalgia. Often, the physical symptoms of trauma present earlier than emotional responses, meaning trauma will remain unresolved while the bodily symptoms are addressed. happiful.com | Issue 96 | 19

Poetry in motion Prepare to be inspired and in awe of this year’s Happiful Poetry Prize winning and shortlisted talent Writing | Rebecca Thair

“

P

oetry is thoughts that breathe, and words that burn.” Thomas Gray expertly relayed the essence of the miraculous power that poetry holds. More than a collection of words, poems bridge the gap between emotions and expression, conveying a familiar feeling before we even fully understand the context.

Where prose can paint a picture, poetry captures a sentiment. From the moving to the melancholy, the relatable to the raw, and the heartbreaking to the hopeful, when words alone seem to fail you, writing to a rhythm, rhyme, or structure can help to reveal a story that previously seemed trapped in your mind.

Sharing that with others can have untold ripple effects, making them feel seen and heard, sometimes for the first time in a long time.

You never know the difference the right word or phrase could have on a person, letting them know they’re not alone, no matter what they’re going through, or offering a hopeful glimmer through the darkest of times.

That’s why the Happiful Poetry Prize is so important to our team.

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Offering a platform for readers to share their innermost thoughts and feelings, connecting across the page, and resonating around the world, what you have to say matters. And we are beyond privileged that this year we received more than 950 entries, each one depicting mental health and wellbeing from a fresh perspective. The talent and openness of these fantastic entrants has truly moved our team, and we couldn’t have been more delighted to read every single one.

It’s been no mean feat whittling down our winner and shortlisters this year, with so many incredible and insightful poems to choose from, but the five featured throughout this issue are truly a testament to the power of words, the subtlety of syntax, and the strength of a shared feeling.

This year’s winning poem by Val Ormrod puts hope firmly on the horizon, with phrasing that feels like a loving embrace of a dear friend who’s by your side throughout your darkest moments. Immersive and comforting, our team were left feeling like a friend was guiding us

forwards, which is so reflective of what we aspire to do at Happiful.

Our shortlist is packed with a range of topics and twists to capture both your hearts and imaginations, from Becky Bennetts’ ‘Dirty Laundry’ exploring the freedom following a toxic relationship to Emma-Jane Barlow’s ‘Where The Light Gets In’ offering a linguistic masterclass as an insight into depression.

Oliver Berry’s ‘Correlation’ relays a moment in time where our lives overlap and intersect, while Leeonie Mignott’s ‘Drum Kit’ captures the crescendo of anxiety becoming a panic attack in a visceral way.

Take your time to reflect on each one, and allow yourself to feel fully. There’s no wrong or right way to interpret a poem, so consider what each means to you. Whether a guiding light, like looking in a mirror, or shining a spotlight on difficult shared feelings, hopefully these poems offer you comfort, connection, and perhaps even some inspiration to pick up the pen for yourself…

The Happiful Poetry Prize will return later this year.

WINNER!

B r e at h i n g F r e e Va l O r m r o d

When this is all over I’ll come to find you, hold you and hug you once more.

I’ll wheel you out from your musty room, wrap you in a fleecy jacket, wind a scarf around your neck, pull a woolly hat down over your ears, and take you for a drive in my car, even have the roof down.

We can have the heater turned up high but you’ll be free to breathe the country air.

We’ll drive through the forest with sunlight slanting through trees and leaves will spiral down like confetti on your shoulders.

We’ll stop for fish and chips and I’ll pass you the warm parcels to hold with their tantalising aroma of vinegar.

We’ll eat them from paper in our bare hands and lick the salt off our fingers.

Then we’ll drive on and your hair will lift in the breeze, and you’ll laugh again, and the sound of your laughter will be the best music I’ve heard all year.

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Val Ormrod is a writer and poet from the Forest of Dean, UK. Her short stories and poetry have won many awards and been widely published in anthologies and poetry journals. Her memoir in My Father’s Memory, about caring for her father with dementia, was adapted for the stage as My Favourite Dog.

Walk and talk your cares away…

In the first of our new series exploring incredible community initiatives paving the way to a more positive future, we join the Conversation Starter Project, which is making strides in bringing social support to its local greenspace…

Writing | Caroline Butterwick

A

group of 20 people stroll together around a park, chatting and laughing while they gently amble along the path, shaded by trees – and all were strangers before they arrived. This is the Conversation Starter Project, where participants ‘walk and talk’ each week in the town of Horsham, West Sussex.

Founded in 2021 by chartered psychologist Dr Tara QuinnCirillo, the project was created as a direct response to the Covid-19 lockdowns. “As a psychologist in the community during the pandemic, I felt at a bit of a loss of what to do to help people cope,” says Tara.

According to the Office for National Statistics, loneliness in the UK has increased since April 2020, when 5% of people (about 2.6 million adults) said that they felt lonely ‘often’ or ‘always’.

Results from the Opinions and Lifestyle Survey revealed that increased to about 3.7 million adults the following year.

In an effort to address this, Tara originally contemplated setting up ‘talking benches’, where

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people could sit and chat, but social distancing rules made this difficult. So instead, she explored combining movement and the great outdoors, putting a Facebook post online to gauge interest. As a result, the group quickly became a success, with people keen to access support during a period when social activities and many mental health services were temporarily unavailable. When lockdown ended, Tara realised the positive impact the project had, and decided to keep it going.

But it’s more than just hearsay; there’s scientific evidence to support the value of groups like this, as it’s been found that talking while walking is a good way to stimulate conversation and improve wellbeing. One systematic review, published in the Journal of Clinical Medicine, found nature walks effectively improved mental health, positively impacting depression and anxiety. The NHS piloted a year-long walking therapy project for people with depression and anxiety, with results showing 58% of clients moved into recovery

after eight to 12 sessions of walking therapy – well above the NHS benchmark of 50%.

So now, come rain or shine, this incredible opportunity to connect with others in the great outdoors runs every week, and is open to all – completely free of charge.

Considering accessibility and convenience, Tara’s group found the local park, located in the middle of Horsham, to be an ideal location, with its duck pond, trails, trees, and open grassland fitting the bill perfectly.

“You get people that you look forward to seeing and find out what they’ve been up to in the week, but also then we get new people, which we love, and we help them to feel comfortable,” Tara says. And it’s this social connection that is so invaluable to local residents.

“There’s evidence that sometimes people talk to just their own demographic,” Tara adds. “We have such varied ages in the group – people in their 80s, people in their 20s.” That’s part of what makes initiatives like this so special, as they give people

COMMUNITY CORNER

a chance to talk to and make meaningful connections with those they may not otherwise have an opportunity to interact with.

Tara attends each week, alongside a few volunteers who have been trained to support participants. Although they are available when needed, participants are free to talk to anyone, and, as Tara notes, newbies will often find “one of our seasoned walkers will make a beeline for them”.

Walking in a crocodile format allows conversations to flow with ease, with no set topics, as they traverse a familiar route, meaning people don’t have to overthink directions or their next steps,

helping them relax and be present.

“There’s no pressure, which is really important,” says Tara. People can join and leave when they want, which alleviates some anxiety, and there’s a short pitstop halfway round for a rest, and to naturally change walking partners, if they want.

Safety is, of course, a priority, with Tara highlighting that they “have a safeguarding framework and risk assessments”, plus volunteers are trained in safeguarding, too, to give participants peace of mind that they’re in good hands.

What’s wonderful about this is that the Conversation Starter Project format has the potential to be replicated elsewhere.

“It’s a big commitment to offer a walk every week for people, and you need to have the right amount of people able to do that with you, to make sure the community is safe, and the passion to do it as well,” says Tara. “What makes our project work is that every single person involved loves the project – we want to do it when it’s freezing cold, and it’s rainy, and muddy!”

Tara is putting together a ‘Walk and Talk’ guide for people interested in doing similar things in their community. If you’d like to take the first steps to creating a walk and talk initiative of your own, get in touch via conversationstarter-project.org.uk.

While it’s a big undertaking, projects like this have a hugely positive impact on the community, making space for people from all walks of life to spend time together in nature and create meaningful connections.

And for Tara herself, starting the group has been a boost. “On a Wednesday, I always wake up and go, ‘I get to go for a walk,’” she says, smiling. “I think we get as much from it as we give.” happiful.com | Issue 96 | 23

Ask the experts

How could Time Line Therapy™ help me?

Hypnotherapist Vivienne Rawnsley answers your questions on Time Line Therapy™ Read more about Vivienne on Hypnotherapy Directory.

Q What is Time Line Therapy™?

A

Based on the idea that our minds carry an internal ‘timeline’ connecting the present with events from the past and future, Time Line Therapy™ is a therapeutic approach that works with the subconscious

mind. Along this timeline lie emotional imprints from significant experiences (both positive and negative) that influence how we think, feel, and behave today.

Many of these imprints, particularly those tied to fear, self-doubt, and frustration, are formed during times when we

had little or no control, such as early childhood, time in the womb, or through generational patterns passed down within families. Over time, these deeply rooted emotions and beliefs can create unhelpful behavioural patterns that often leave us feeling stuck or unable to move forward.

release deeply held emotions, and create space for healing and transformation.

This process helps loosen the grip of trauma, repair relationships, and redefine beliefs about yourself and your place in the world. Many of us carry unresolved emotions from past events, which manifest as fear, anxiety, or a diminished ability to cope.

Time Line Therapy™ acts

as a ‘reset tool’, addressing subconscious glitches that hold us back.

By targeting the root causes of emotions like anger, sadness, and guilt, Time Line Therapy™ effectively addresses fears, phobias, anxiety, relationship challenges, imposter syndrome, PTSD, and C-PTSD, offering a compassionate pathway to personal growth and freedom.

Q What can Time Line Therapy™ help with?

A

Time Line Therapy™ is a powerful tool for releasing emotional baggage and limiting beliefs that keep us stuck in repetitive patterns, impacting our quality of life and self-worth. Working with your personal timeline allows the subconscious mind to reinterpret past experiences,

Hynotherapy Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

Vivienne’s top tips for preparing for a Time Line Therapy™ session

Q How do I know if Time Line Therapy™ is right for me?

A

Whether you’re looking to address newly uncovered challenges, or deeply rooted emotional struggles, this approach offers a powerful way to create meaningful change.

Time Line Therapy™ can be used as a one-time intervention, or revisited periodically to support a wide range of issues for individuals with diverse needs.

This method is flexible and adapts to your personal style.

If you value structure and control, the process may begin with trust-building and practical techniques, before delving into deeper work. For those who are more intuitive or curious, it provides an exciting opportunity to explore the subconscious, and uncover the root causes of fears, behaviours, and emotional patterns. Time Line Therapy™ can stand alone as a focused intervention, or be part of a broader therapeutic programme, with therapists introducing it at the most appropriate time.

• Find an experienced and qualified therapist you trust, and can be at ease with.

• Ask the therapist questions you need answered to support this trust-building process.

• Allow your conscious problem-solving, rationalthinking mind to relax and take a step back, creating space for your subconscious to explore the hidden depths of your inner challenges and beliefs.

• Trust the process. Rather than needing to figure out the ins and outs of how it works, just go with it.

• Recognise its life-changing possibilities, the power of this work and the opportunity to transform the habits and beliefs that are getting in the way of you living the life you deserve, on your terms. happiful.com | Issue 96 | 25

5 health-boosting benefits of exercising with friends Can your BFF help you get a new PB? How working out with a friend brings a host of health and wellbeing rewards Writing | Kerry Law Illustrating | Rosan Magar

I

f you’re keeping up a fitness routine beyond January’s wellness hype, well done! Yet, even if you enjoy your regular gym sessions, yoga classes, or daily runs, it can be hard to stay committed when you’re going solo. So, have you ever considered pairing up with a fitness pal?

It could improve not just your health, but your stats too.

“Exercising with friends helps us achieve our goals, as they can provide the support and motivation we need to continue our fitness journey,” explains Sam Quinn, personal training lead at Nuffield Health. “It’s great for improving mental health through positive social interactions, and it can add a competitive edge to training, which can boost performance.”

But this partnership will only work if you’re on the same page.

“It’s crucial to find a type of exercise you and your friends enjoy together. Enjoyment is key to building consistency,” says Sam. “If weights or Hyrox (an indoor fitness competition) aren’t your thing, try running clubs, relay events, team or racquet sports, even paddleboarding or dancing.”

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From helping us go further and faster to strengthening bonds, here are the, sometimes surprising, health-boosting effects of exercising with friends.

It enhances emotional ties A study by the University of Oxford discovered that ‘social motion’ – that’s synchronised movement performed alongside other people – promotes social bonding and prosocial behaviour, which increases perceptions of togetherness and cohesion.

The study observed people rowing alongside each other, and rugby teammates performing a synchronised warm-up routine.

In both cases they concluded that coordinated movement leads to social bonding, and that, in turn, social bonding leads to better overall results.

Performance improves The idea of exercising alongside someone else might feel intimidating for some, but there’s no need to feel disheartened or inadequate if your workout buddy is fitter than you – science suggests this could even help you improve! Researchers at Kansas

State University conducted a study where women exercised on a stationary bike on their own, and then with a virtual partner who they were told was riding approximately 40% further than them. Riding with the virtual partner led participants to record distances up to 200% further than their solo rides.

The study concluded that an exercise partner who is 40% better than you was optimal.

If a friend is on your level or a whole lot fitter, the motivation to perform better disappears.

Exercise is contagious It’s no surprise to read that motivation is a benefit of working out with friends, but do you know exactly why this is? Apparently you can ‘catch’ a desire to exercise from other people, according to a study published in the journal Nature Communications.

The global study of ‘exercise contagion’ among 1.1 million runners also discovered that who you choose to work out with influences how motivated you are. Researchers found that contagiousness varies between friends, with less active runners

try this at home

People exercised more often when their fitness friend offered emotional support and encouragement, over those offering just practical support influencing more active runners, but not the reverse. Men are influenced by both men and women, while women are only influenced by other women.

It boosts your workout frequency We all need cheerleaders on our fitness journey. Researchers at the University of Aberdeen investigated the influence of exercise companions, and divided gym buddies into two types: emotional and instrumental.

They found that people exercised more often when their fitness friend offered emotional

support and encouragement, over those offering just practical support, such as giving them a lift to the gym. So, thank your workout buddy whenever they praise your effort, and do the same in return.

You feel less pain and stay safe Endorphins, the body’s natural painkiller, flood our system when we exercise, and this increases our tolerance to pain. According to a recent study published in PLoS One, people who exercise regularly can withstand physical distress for twice as long as those who don’t – with the study in question measuring how long participants could hold their hand in freezing cold water.

Combine this with spending time with friends – another endorphin-booster – and you have a pain-numbing doublewhammy that could be why the aforementioned Oxford University study concluded that ‘social motion’ also contributes to a higher pain threshold.

Having someone with you while you workout can also keep you safe. Sam suggests that when strength training in the gym, having a trusted ‘spotter’ to guide and assist you not only encourages you to push yourself, but can ensure you lift safely and step in if anything goes awry. It’s also handy when out running, particularly if it’s dark during winter months, to ensure you have each other’s backs, and safety, in mind on the streets.

All in all, there are numerous reasons for you and your friend to go the extra mile (or lift the extra weight or swim the extra lap) for one another.

happiful.com | Issue 96 | 27

Wheel of self-care

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relationships

Lessons from a divorcee Thinking of getting hitched again?

Discover the vital lessons couples can learn from their previous relationships to help them build better, stronger partnerships next time around Writing | Mahevash Shaikh

A

fter my first marriage crumbled in 2017, I swore I would never walk down the aisle again. Freshly heartbroken, I decided I would date casually, and leave it at that. So, marriage was the last thing on my mind when I met my current partner in 2023.

What started as a laid-back coffee date in a nearby cafe transitioned into a serious connection, with my partner proposing to me only three months later.

But things were far from simple.

Both of us had been married previously, and these prior relationships had not ended amicably. In fact, this prompted two of the many things we had in common: we carried the scars of previous marriages, and had sworn off commitment altogether – until our paths crossed.

Now that we are getting hitched for the second time, we are determined to build a stronger, healthier relationship by learning from our mistakes. After all, the

odds are against us; according to an article by Forbes (which combined the latest data from the US Census, the CDC and Pew Research), 60% of second marriages end in divorce as opposed to only 43% of first marriages. Without further ado, here are my top five lessons, based on what my fiancé and I are doing differently this time.

Have realistic expectations of the relationship (and each other).

First off, in our previous marriages, we had unrealistic expectations. We believed that no matter what, love would be enough to keep everything afloat. Spoiler alert: it wasn’t – no matter how much Hollywood and Bollywood push that narrative.

We learned the hard way that a successful relationship is built on more than grand romantic gestures. It requires daily effort, and a deep commitment to

understanding each other.

Love isn’t a fairy tale, but a conscious choice made every day. Research supports this; a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology revealed that couples with realistic expectations experience greater relationship satisfaction overall.

Despite being an idealist, I have accepted that it is only human to be imperfect, and we will mess up sometimes.

That’s OK, as long as we commit to growing and learning from those mistakes together. We are now approaching our upcoming nuptials as two individuals who see each other’s strengths and weaknesses, and support each other’s personal growth.

What’s more, we have had conversations about what marriage means to us, and what we expect regarding crucial matters like finances, family, >>> happiful.com | Issue 96 | 29

and faith. Laying everything on the line has made us feel more secure about entering this commitment.

Work through past trauma, or things we’re holding on to.

I didn’t want any past baggage to seep into our relationship, so we decided to see a couples therapist.

Couples therapy has been shown to help with common issues like problem-solving, forgiveness, communication, and the

resolution of needs and feelings, as noted in a review of clinical evidence and guidelines published in the Canadian Agency for Drugs and Technologies in Health.

Indeed, according to a 2023 survey by Verywell Mind, couples in therapy rightfully believe that it will improve the quality of their relationship. While therapy has been challenging, it has brought us closer, and given us a safe space to explore past fears, insecurities, and concerns before they become present-day issues.

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relationships

Now it may sound like we are fixating on the past, but we aren’t dissecting our exes’ flaws and shortcomings. As our therapist, Ketaki Natekar, a senior psychologist at MindPeers, says: “The most important thing is to focus on lessons you learned in previous relationships. Often, past relationships have been so painful that we want to avoid thinking about them. However, focusing on the patterns and wounds of previous relationships not only helps in healing, but also helps identify triggers, and to work around them in the present relationship. Of course, this is helpful only when done in a calm headspace, and not in the middle of a fight.”

Our therapist also helped us recognise the importance of boundaries and personal space – something neither of us did well previously. We have learned to respect each other’s need for alone time and self-care, knowing that a healthier, happier individual leads to a stronger partnership. Research, reported by authors Nate and Kaley Klemp in their book The 80/80 Marriage, shows that couples who maintain physical and mental space experience a heightened sense of love, connection, and intimacy.

Create a safe space to be honest with each other.

To build trust and safety, we decided to be honest with each other. Safety was severely lacking in my first marriage, so this has been far from easy. While I have struggled with opening up, I have come to realise that it is

imperative, as trust and safety cannot be built in any relationship unless two people really talk to each other.

However, opening up about trauma isn’t just about sharing a story; it’s about reliving the pain, and trusting that someone will hold it with care. Therefore, our therapist recommended I do it at my own pace. She says: “Trauma is tricky, vulnerability is difficult.

We can’t expect anybody to share all their pain and trauma in one go. Vulnerability requires the promise of safety. Safety is built with time and understanding.

“Spend the first few months cultivating an environment of safety and security within your relationship. Build vulnerability in small steps. Begin with the least costly thing you can discuss, and gauge the reaction. Allow your partner to process bits of information gradually.”

Whether it’s our therapist, or trusted friends, having a thirdparty perspective has been invaluable in helping us see things from a different angle, and avoid falling into old patterns Communicate instead of avoiding confrontation.

With my ex, conflicts would often spiral into full-blown fights. As for my current partner, he would fall

silent as he would not know how to respond to his ex-wife in the heat of the moment. Neither of us was equipped with the tools to deescalate or resolve issues.

Today, we are far more intentional about how we handle disagreements. Instead of letting small issues snowball, we address them before they become overwhelming. We have also learned that not every disagreement needs to be resolved immediately; sometimes, it’s better to take a break, reflect, and then return to a conversation. It is OK to go to bed angry sometimes.

Accept outside support.

Lastly, we don’t shy away from outside help. Whether it’s our therapist, or trusted friends, having a third-party perspective has been invaluable in helping us see things from a different angle, and avoid falling into old patterns.

Second marriages statistically have a higher rate of divorce, and we both carry the emotional scars of our past. The odds are not in our favour, but we are not letting this get to us. Instead, we are using everything we’ve learned from our first marriages – the mistakes and the lessons – to build something stronger.

We are committed to doing the work, staying honest with each other, and keeping the lines of communication open.

This unexpected second chance at love is one we are not taking for granted, and we are determined to make it last. As we enter a new chapter of our lives, we are hopeful that our marriage will not only survive, but thrive. happiful.com | Issue 96 | 31

How to get over a ‘hay fever hangover’ Feeling fatigued or a little out of kilter after a day of high pollen?

You could be experiencing a ‘hay fever hangover’ Writing | Emily Whitton

A

s Brits, if there’s one thing we enjoy talking about, it’s the weather. While some of us might just moan about the amount of rain we have, for the almost 10 million hay fever sufferers in the UK, it can be a real cause for concern.

According to the Met Office, grass pollen counts are likely to rise if warm weather follows a period of rainfall – a phenomenon known as a ‘pollen bomb’. For those who react to these airborne allergens, this can mark the return of a host of unpleasant symptoms – from a runny nose, sneezing, itchiness, and headaches – to generally feeling under the weather and, for some, it can really take its toll on their mental health.

For certain people, these symptoms might persist even after the pollen count has dropped, which can leave you feeling groggy and confused – perhaps you’re coming down with something? Or maybe you’re experiencing what many are referring to as a ‘hay fever hangover’.

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So, what exactly is a hay fever hangover, how do you recognise if you’re struggling with one, and, most importantly, what can you do about it?

What is a hay fever hangover?

A hay fever hangover is a term coined by Max Kirsten, a sleep expert for Panda London. It is a lesser-known effect of pollen allergy, and is typically characterised by grogginess, restlessness, or generally feeling ‘off’ the day after a high pollen count. This, in turn, can affect your concentration and overall mood and wellbeing. As the name suggests, it can leave many people feeling very unwell, as if they’re experiencing a traditional hangover.

What causes hay fever hangovers?

Many hay fever sufferers will do all they can to avoid or limit their symptoms, so it’s easy to jump to the conclusion that they’re actually coming down with a cold or flu when they wake the

next day feeling poorly. However, even 12 hours or more after your exposure to pollen has dropped, you can still experience the unfortunate effects.

Experts generally believe that these side-effects are caused by inflammation of the airways, which can seriously impact sleep quality as our respiratory system struggles. You may find it difficult to fall asleep in the first place, or wake frequently throughout the night. We know the impact that a poor night’s sleep can have on our day so, naturally, this disturbance of our circadian rhythm and sleepwake cycle can leave us feeling pretty rubbish.

What are the signs of a hay fever hangover?

As mentioned, many of the side-effects of exposure to pollen might be akin to that of a summer cold, so it’s well worth keeping an eye on your symptoms. There are, however, some differences that can help you determine if what you’re experiencing is an allergic reaction...

food & health

• Nasal discharge from a cold is generally yellow/green in colour, whereas allergic discharge is typically clear.

• Allergies tend to cause watery and itchy eyes, as well as skin irritation, which generally don’t present in colds.

• Allergies last longer, and the symptoms tend to come on more suddenly or all at once, whereas cold symptoms typically develop over time. >>> happiful.com | Issue 96 | 33

It’s also worth noting that if you’re experiencing fatigue, you may want to check your antihistamine. Many antihistamines can make you feel drowsy, so opting for a nondrowsy alternative may reduce this feeling.

The common signs of a hay fever hangover include feeling groggy, feeling lethargic or fatigued, difficulty concentrating, congestion, sore throat/coughing/ sneezing, itchy/watery eyes, and feeling generally unwell.

How can I prevent and get over a hay fever hangover?

Trying to limit your exposure to pollen will increase the chances of you waking feeling refreshed the following day. Writing for Happiful in her article, ‘How to deal with hay fever and take care of your wellbeing’, Dr Jenny Goodman notes some of the ways to limit allergic reactions to pollen, including consuming local honey, supplements and herbal remedies, and looking at your gut health.

Max Kirsten recommends other ways to ensure you get a restful night’s sleep, including drying bedding indoors so it doesn’t bring in pollen, changing clothes when you get home, taking a shower to get rid of lingering pollen on your hair and eyelashes, taking antihistamines before bed (rather than first thing in the morning) to help relieve symptoms overnight, keeping windows closed during pollen season to prevent pollen from circulating indoors, and, if you can, investing in a HEPA air 34 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

purifier to help remove allergens from the air.

Other top tips include: • Recirculate the air inside your car during high pollen (rather than drawing air from outside).

• Avoid outdoor activities, where possible, such as mowing the lawn or gardening.

• Wear wraparound sunglasses and a wide cap to prevent pollen from landing on your face or eyelashes.

• Apply Vaseline around the nostrils to trap pollen before it enters your nose.

• Try over-the-counter nasal sprays. The correct technique is to blow your nose, tilt your head down, angle the nozzle outwards and breathe in steadily and gently.

• Keep hydrated. Our bodies naturally produce histamine when we are dehydrated, in order to increase our thirst and prompt a response.

How to recover after a day of high pollen

If you find yourself caught out by high pollen, you may need to ask your workplace for reasonable adjustments to support your recovery. For example, if you can work from home, this will help minimise your risk of further exposure to pollen. Workplaces should also allow you time to attend appointments if you

experience symptoms which need to be addressed by a GP. Of course, it’s important to remember that hay fever affects everyone differently. Symptoms can range from mild to severe, and with one in five sufferers saying they are unable to do their job, you may need to consider taking time off to recover. If you’re still struggling to manage your symptoms, you may wish to connect with a herbalist or nutritional professional to find out what complementary approaches might suit you.

D r u m k it L e e o n ie M i g n o tt The pounding in my ears drums to a beat of its own With every hit, my heart quickens

RUNNER UP!

With every blow, my body stiffens The bass becoming deafening People are starting to surround me, Starting to look and stare The pins and needles race down my spine As though caressed through the brushes of a snare Palms and feet sweating Lips numb, body trembling Seconds turn into minutes Minutes turn into hours The sharp sound of the hi-hat is added Stacking onto the confusion, chaos and erratic beat The pedal pace increases More sound is produced, My anxiety induced I’m losing control, Losing my bearings, The thumping becoming louder I can’t hear myself think Thump, thump, thump It continues to rise As I deepen the lids that shelter my eyes …until the crash

A new and emerging poet exploring the field and understanding their style, Leeonie Mignott’s aim is to use personal experiences to help others.

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ANXIETY ON YOUR MIND

Sam’s week

Welcome to Anxiety on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of living with anxiety. In this edition, Sam, 39, from Brighton, shares how habits – and unusual pets – help his mental health Writing | Sam Thomas as told to Fiona Fletcher Reid

T

he week started in a panic when I learned that an article about my alcoholism had been published on a tabloid news website. I’ve talked to the media plenty of times over the years, but, without any prior warning about where or when the piece would be printed, it caught me off-guard.

Seeing the headline gave me a fright, but after reading the piece, the dread subsided. The article was good, and it was shedding light on an important topic which is what I really care about.

With that unexpected experience over, I went shopping to replace a dying houseplant. As someone with obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), I like several of my plants to be paired. Yes, I like to have two of some plants – which may sound odd, but I used to have a lot more things that ‘had’ to be paired, or I would feel anxious.

They didn’t have one that matched the length of the one back home, so I got a bit stressed. I knew I couldn’t stand to have two plants that didn’t match, so I decided to buy two new, identical plants.

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I’m glad my OCD isn’t as bad as it used to be, but this definitely took over as something that I had to prioritise immediately. I knew I wouldn’t settle until it was sorted.

The good thing is that I know where all this comes from. My mother was extremely messy – we had 20 cats by the time I left home at 16. I remember there would be cat sick all over the carpet, so I’m kind of the opposite, and really want my space to be clean and orderly. There is a tendency to worry about being too particular about my home, but I know I’ve been far more obsessive in the past and, actually, wanting my plants to be nice and healthy isn’t the worst thing. Sometimes you’ve got to pick your battles and acknowledge that it’s a coping mechanism, developed from a really hard time.

I’m learning to give myself a break, and be more self-compassionate.

My anxiety manifests differently now than it did in the past. I used to unconsciously go through the motions, reacting based on fear.

Back then, I didn’t understand where the fear came from, and, yes, it would be problematic

because I had no idea why I was acting out. Now, it’s a totally different story, to the point where it sort of amuses me. My mental illness doesn’t need to be this beast that I constantly have to tame. Sometimes I can just accept that it’s there, and that’s OK. A lot of my time is taken up with caring for my, somewhat unusual, pets. I’ve got a gecko, a baby chameleon, four young tarantulas, a wandering spider, and a scorpion. I was alcohol-dependent for approximately eight years and, thankfully, I’m now five years sober. When I went through extreme alcohol withdrawal, I had hallucinations of spiders crawling under my skin. That’s when I got my first tarantula. I thought, if I’m having visions of tarantulas attacking me in my sleep, I may as well face my fear and get one! I think there’s real power in choosing to embrace things that tend to scare us, rather than rejecting or avoiding them.

Midweek, I managed to find the motivation to do a workout. I normally go to the gym every day, but recently I’ve been struggling

ANXIETY ON YOUR MIND

Follow Sam on Instagram @samthomas8186

with consistency, even though I know exercising takes the edge off my anxiety. I’ve spoken to a psychiatrist numerous times and have come to the conclusion that without the gym, I’d probably be on more medication. So I know that working out is good for me, and I’m glad I managed to get back into the swing of things this week.

I was due to publish a memoir last year, but I decided to pull the book and ended up in a psychiatric hospital for a week because of a PTSD episode. So, it’s taken quite a long time for me to get back into writing after

that experience. Previously, I felt like if I was writing something, it had to be with the goal of being published. But recently, I’ve been playing with fictional stories to develop my craft, and slowly building up to the idea of rewriting my memoir.

I do get annoyed at myself, because I’m such a perfectionist.

I’m learning to go at my own pace, and, for me, it’s about quality over quantity. I try not to put too much pressure on myself and the book was really too much for me – with all the looming deadlines, it wasn’t good for my anxiety.

I used to thrive on stress.

I’ve been stuck in that cycle of constantly chasing the next success, and never slowing down to appreciate what you’ve achieved and, for me, it always leads to burnout. So, I’m just trying to focus on writing the best book I can, and making it a useful tool for readers.

Towards the end of the week, I started to feel like chores were piling up. Having pets means there is some extra cleaning to do. People think I must love cleaning because I have OCD, but it’s completely the opposite of that. I dread doing all these tasks.

Thankfully, I live in a tiny little studio so it doesn’t take too long, and once it’s done I feel such a sense of relief.

The combination of exercise and getting back into writing in the same week ended up being really positive. I spent the whole weekend in a kind of bubble – just working out and writing. Finding balance between creativity and self-care has brought me peace this week – and my matching plants are thriving, too! happiful.com | Issue 96 | 37

Don’t let someone else’s your reality Les Brown

38 | Issue 96 | happiful.com 25

Photography | Polina Kovaleva

opinion of you become

blooming brilliant

Seize the joy!

Instead of waiting for massive life events to trigger happiness, why not focus on smaller positive moments – and grab yourself a joy ‘snack’ Writing | Jo Dunbar

E

xercise snacking is having a moment right now – the concept of breaking up physical activity into short bursts throughout the day – but can the same principles be applied to capturing joy, if only fleetingly?

In workout terms, finding a few minutes for a quick circuit, a 15-minute brisk walk, or a window to lift some weights, is known as exercise snacking.

Essentially, it’s about fitting gentle movement into your day and routine in a more manageable way.

Health experts have suggested that this bits-and-pieces attitude to working out, with quick bursts here and there, is actually more beneficial than going hell-forleather on a hardcore, punishing workout once a week. So, if it

works for our physical health, can this concept also be applied to our mental outlook, too? The answer is yes.

What exactly is a joy ‘snack’?

The beauty of finding tiny moments of joy is that they can be discovered almost anywhere, they don’t require a plan and, often, they aren’t the most exhilarating things, but something simple.

Think about a cup of coffee in peace; a freshly baked cake; laughing at a funny joke; the sight of your favourite flowers; a couple of chapters of a really good book; a perfect crisp morning. None of these things would be described as necessarily ‘life-altering’; they are all accessible and fairly ordinary,

but that doesn’t mean that they should be overlooked.

Hypnotherapist Sally Potter believes our modern lives are filled with stories from social media telling us about lifedefining experiences, which just cannot be accessed every day.

This can give the impression that they are the only ones that matter, or are worth noting. But big romantic moments, pleasant surprises, and milestones simply do not pop up daily, weekly, or even annually, despite what social media may tell us. So perhaps we need to shift our thoughts on where else we can source happiness.

Sally explains: “I think there’s a lot of pressure to be seen having a perfect, joyful life, full of Instagrammable images. The reality is that, most of the time, >>> happiful.com | Issue 96 | 39

our lives are fairly mundane.

Finding joy in small, everyday things takes the pressure off, and creates the environment within ourselves that allows us to look back and say: ‘That was good.’”

Learning to recognise happy moments in an otherwise uneventful day is key. Sally says: “Everyday joy snacks can be the smallest things: the smell of coffee or bread; the sight of bright berries in the hedge; a smile returned. Appreciating these small moments means we can feel satisfied, even on a day which was otherwise ordinary.”

Reframing happiness Consider times you’ve gone hunting for happiness. Have you found it? The chances are you haven’t, or you felt pressure to experience intense joy, and the reality simply didn’t live up to expectations.

Instead, maybe you’ve found something unexpectedly pleasing as you go about your daily life, and that unplanned moment of joy stuck with you. If we learn to realise that happiness shouldn’t always be viewed in huge, overarching moments or with grand gestures, we will get closer to finding smaller snatches of joy.

Sally explains: “In my experience, being on a quest 40 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

for happiness rarely has the ending we’re looking for. After all, where and what is happiness exactly? Instead, consider all the small moments. Even on a day where we may think it’s all been negative, there will be tiny moments when things were better. In thinking this way, we’re not worrying about the bigger picture of ‘happiness’, we’re simply being happy.”

Rather like little wins or glimmers, recognising these brief, pleasing elements will deliver a happiness top-up. And once we learn how to identify these moments, such as seeing the sun peep over the horizon in the morning, or how lovely crisp, clean sheets feel, Sally says we will start to see more of them, making each day more rewarding. She says: “Tiny sparks of joy really add up, especially if we make a point of enjoying and noticing them.”

Acknowledging something good, and how it makes you feel within – and then carrying on with your day – is a great habit to get into, and will offer plenty of wellbeing benefits.

As Sally reminds us, joy begets joy. “Every time we take pleasure in a moment of joy, we create new neural pathways, making it easier to take the same joyful

Every time we take pleasure in a moment of joy, we create new neural pathways, making it easier to take the same joyful pathway again

pathway again,” says Sally. “By reframing happiness as more of an internal feeling, rather than an outward appearance, we can then be more open and present to the moments that really make us feel joyful.”

HOW TO JOY SNACK So, where and when should we start to seek pockets of joyful moments?

Make a record If something has sparked joy, then feel free to record it. “Revisiting each joyful moment by talking about it, writing it down, or taking pictures, is a great way to strengthen the habit of enjoying the little snacks,” Sally says.

Ask the question A great habit to get into is asking yourself to recall the positives, a bit like a gratitude journal. Children sometimes list their best moments of the day, and there’s no reason why you shouldn’t do the same.

Sally adds: “By asking yourself 'What's been good today?’, not only do you create the expectation that there will have been good moments, you also build an increased awareness of the possibility of good things.”

Get in the habit

Sally Potter is a solution focused hypnotherapist and women’s retreat leader in Devon. Find out more on the Hypnotherapy Directory.

Sally says that once you begin to acknowledge moments of happiness, you will encounter more and more. “It's a lovely circular path, where taking little snacks of joy leads to finding even more snacks along the way.”

And, on those days when you need a little boost, you’ll have a full menu of joyful snacks at your fingertips you can actively seek out and treat yourself to.

happiful.com | Issue 96 | 41

How to get the most out of therapy You’ve found a therapist, booked your session, and are ready to get started. But… what can you do to get the most out of your time in the therapy room?

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

T

herapy is an investment – in yourself and your wellbeing. It takes time, energy, money, and effort, but the impact and benefits can be truly transformational. From enabling us to better understand ourselves to recognising and tackling underlying issues affecting how we feel, therapy can provide us with the strategies and techniques, alongside a devoted space to work on this, to move forward with the skills we need to better handle life’s ups and downs.

But are you really getting the most out of therapy? Or could you do more to maximise what you’re taking away from your sessions?

Try these eight effective tips to help ensure your therapy sessions are as effective as possible.

1. Before you begin: what do you want from therapy?

Defining what you want to get out of therapy might seem obvious, but can be tricky. Ask yourself: why now? Why this 42 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

type of therapy? What do I want to change? What will progress/ success look like for me? Knowing the answers to these questions can help you set goals, and track your progress along the way.

2. Ask yourself: am I ready?

Therapy can take a lot out of you.

It requires energy, effort, and willingness to make changes, understand yourself, and learn new ways of approaching things.

Being in the right mindset can make a big difference. Going to therapy when you are ready is ideal – although not always possible – and can make the process easier.

3. Get rid of little distractions We all have things on our mind.

From little day-to-day stresses to bigger worries, if there’s something you know is going to linger in your mind during your session, try to tackle it ahead of time. This can help you to feel more present and focused during your session.

4. Prepare in advance

Think about what you might like to talk about during your session, and don’t be afraid to bring notes with you. It can be easy (and frustrating) to forget specific points you want to discuss. Going along to a session prepared helps you focus on how you are feeling, rather than becoming caught up trying to remember what you wanted to cover.

Going prepared also means doing any homework your therapist gives you between sessions. These tasks can help to enforce good habits, focus on ideas brought up during your sessions, and spark further areas to explore.

5. Look after yourself

Therapy can be a great way to start taking better care of your mind and emotions, but it’s not the only way to support your emotional, mental, and physical wellbeing. Developing healthy self-care habits can help you better manage stress, while

positive pointers

getting enough sleep can improve your mood and concentration.

Fuelling yourself with the right food can improve your energy and focus, while taking time out to reflect can help you to feel calmer and more centred. The more you look after yourself, the better prepared you will feel to face therapy head-on.

6. Be honest with your therapist – and with yourself

With each session on the clock, it’s important to get the most out of them. Being honest with yourself about what is most important to you, what you want to focus on, and if there is anything you don’t feel ready or comfortable talking about can save valuable time. You can always let your therapist know you would be open to revisiting these points in the future.

Giving your therapist feedback about what is – or isn’t – working can help tailor things to better suit you as well. It’s a relationship that goes both ways, with your therapist wanting to support you as best they can, so don’t be afraid to speak up or change course. This is your journey.

7. Consider where to have your sessions (and optimise your environment)

If you’re having an online or telephone session, preparing your space ahead of time can help you to feel comfortable and in control, as well as to avoid any little mishaps that might take up time during your session. Avoid being somewhere you might worry you could be overheard,

pick somewhere you feel comfortable (ideally that offers privacy), and ensure you have a stable internet connection. And if you’re attending in-person, plan your travel or route in advance, and check for any road closures or divertions, so you don’t have any additional worries about getting there, and can, instead, focus on the session itself.

8. Be kind to yourself

Therapy takes time. You need to build a sense of comfort and trust with your therapist – and with the overall process. It’s OK to recognise or think about past experiences or mistakes, but it’s important to remind yourself that you’re here, seeking help, and looking to make healthy changes. Be patient, be kind, and give yourself credit for trying to find help and for sticking with it. Asking for support initially can feel huge, but keeping up the work even when it feels like you aren’t making progress can be just as hard.

By seeking support and attending therapy regularly, you’re already making a significant effort. Now it’s time to ensure you stay consistent, put in the work in between, and do your best to trust the process. happiful.com | Issue 96 | 43

A lot on your plate?

When life, inevitably, gets stressful, could what we eat help to keep our cortisol levels in check?

Writing | Jenna Farmer

O

n an urgent deadline, rushing for the bus to make an important appointment, juggling the kids schedules, or dealing with an unexpected broken appliance at home – in all of these situations, we’re most likely experiencing short-term stress. Something that feels intense in the moment, but should pass.

In response, our bodies release the steroid hormone cortisol, which fluctuates throughout the day as situations arise and pass. The aim is to help you stay alert and prepared by increasing blood sugar to give you a quick dose of energy (meaning you might make that bus after all), controlling your blood pressure, and reducing inflammation, so you’re ready to deal with the apparent ‘threat’ at hand.

With the types of stressful situations just mentioned, your stress levels should return to normal pretty quickly. After the computer is fixed or the kids finally go to sleep, calm is restored. But, the problem is that chronic stress prompts our body to continue producing cortisol, even when it’s not actually required, and this can lead to some serious issues.

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Ongoing stress can put us in this constant state of ‘fightor-flight’, with side-effects of too much cortisol including brain fog, weight gain in the abdomen (or ‘cortisol belly’), and struggling to sleep. If you are having lots of symptoms that suggest your cortisol levels are high, it is important to chat to your GP, who may wish to check your cortisol levels through a special blood test. In more serious cases, though note this is rare, too much cortisol can lead to Cushing’s syndrome – but this is usually caused by people taking steroid medications over the long-term.

So, what can you do about chronic stress? Naturally, it’s important to try to figure out the root cause. You might do this through tracking symptoms, journaling to notice patterns, or speaking things through with a confidant or therapist, and it’s important to seek help from medical professionals.

But, the good news is that once we’re aware of our cortisol levels being high too regularly, we can look to implement more stress relief into our days ourselves.

Calling on coping strategies such as meditation, breathing

techniques, increasing our movement, practising regular self-care, and improving sleep hygiene can all help the cause.

But, did you know that our diet can support getting our cortisol levels back into balance, too?

“What you eat can influence your cortisol levels, in both a positive and negative way,” says nutritional therapist Donna Peters. So, with expert insight, let’s discover how making some simple changes to your diet can help you balance this important hormone, and offer some muchneeded relief.

Pack the protein in

Alongside supporting tissue repair, improving satiety, and lowering blood pressure, protein can be a great tool in supporting your cortisol levels.

One study, published in the British Journal of Nutrition, found that those who ate a high-protein breakfast better coped with their demanding workload.

“Protein helps balance cortisol and blood sugar, so base your meals and snacks on protein (meat, poultry, fish, eggs, nuts, beans and seeds), fruit, and vegetables,” advises Donna.

food & health

Don’t cut the carbs

“A 2019 study, in the journal Nutrients, indicated that certain carbohydrates – such as whole grains, fruits, and vegetables – can also help reduce cortisol levels,” explains Donna. Part of this is because certain carbohydrates are also packed with fibre, which helps support your gut and cortisol levels. “Fibre helps support a healthy gut, which is also good for hormone balance.

Good sources include oats, beans, lentils, fruits, and vegetables.”

Fish is fantastic

We know fish is great for your brain and cognition, but it can also help with your cortisol levels. “Omega-3 fatty acids have been shown to reduce cortisol levels in a cohort study involving 2,724 people, published in Psychoneuroendocrinology. Those with higher levels of omega-3 in their blood had lower levels of inflammation and cortisol,” explains Donna.

These are found in things like mackerel and salmon, but also nuts and seeds. “It’s worth considering taking a fish oil supplement if you can’t get adequate levels from your diet,” Donna suggests.

Reach for magnesium

Magnesium is fantastic for calming our nervous system, because it can help control the neurotransmitters in our brain, blocking the pathways that send more cortisol to it. Yet, many of us don’t get enough, with 60% of us not actually getting the recommended amount, according to a study in the journal Nutrients.

“Magnesium is often referred to as ‘nature’s tranquiliser’ due to its benefit in supporting balanced mood, relaxation, and deep sleep. Good sources include leafy greens, avocados, bananas, sesame seeds, and dark chocolate,” explains Donna.

You can also try transdermal forms of magnesium, such as moisturiser creams and bath

salts that deliver magnesium via the skin, which could add another element of relaxation as you enjoy a warm soak, or some gentle self-massage.

Swap coffee for green tea

When you’re feeling stressed, reaching for another cup of coffee might be an impulse – giving you that energy boost to get you through the next hour.

But, in reality, this caffeine habit could be making things worse. You don’t have to ditch coffee forever, but be aware that caffeine has been found to elevate cortisol levels, as noted in research in Pharmacology Biochemistry and Behaviour, which could cause issues if you’re drinking more than you should. This could also be >>> happiful.com | Issue 96 | 45

Chronic stress prompts our body to continue producing cortisol, even when it’s not actually required

exacerbated when combined with other things in your life. For example, the same study showed that consuming caffeine when stressed further added to our cortisol levels, and caffeine taken before exercise had the same knock-on impact.

While green tea also contains caffeine, it’s not as much as coffee, and it also contains L-theanine, which has been shown to lower cortisol and support our mental health.

Making some simple swaps like this could satisfy your craving, with less of a negative side-effect.

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Make brekkie a priority

Rushing around might make you skip meals because you naturally forget, or simply feel you don’t have time to make something nutritious, and unfortunately, it seems breakfast is often the first thing to go – with a fifth of us skipping breakfast each day, according to Mintel’s 2022 report on UK breakfast eating habits. When we’re stressed, it’s important to not only focus on what we eat, but making sure we do find time to eat regularly to help keep our energy levels and hormones balanced.

One study, in Physiology & Behaviour, found that women who skipped breakfast had higher cortisol levels by midafternoon. Then, when they had lunch, their cortisol reaction was higher than those who didn’t skip breakfast.

Even if it’s a light meal, try to eat within two hours of waking up, and focus on protein and carbohydrates – such as eggs on toast, or oatmeal with peanut butter. Otherwise, you might be tempted to fill up on lots of sugary snacks mid-morning, since cortisol can actually cause sugar cravings, too.

As with a lot of health issues, making several simple changes works better than just focusing on one thing. While you can’t banish stress, working with your body to tackle it as best you can, and eating the right kind of foods for your cortisol levels could really help. However, if you are having symptoms of high cortisol that are impacting your life, it’s always best to speak to your GP. You’re stressed enough, so remember you don’t have to solve this cortisol concern all on your own.

RUNNER UP!

D i r t y l au n d r y Be c k y Be n n e tt s I was never allowed a washing line.

Such things were for other, lesser people – The sort that aired their laundry in public.

Those folk that cared not that the neighbours saw Every hole, every stain, and every fray.

Behind closed doors piled laundry and secrets: The price of keeping up appearances.

I know now it was not my dignity That he was trying so hard to protect: His was always dishonest perfection.

Who needs therapy when you can hang clothes, And watch your underwear dance in the wind?

Now I hang my washing on the front lawn.

My garden proudly wears each tattered thread; Our grief garlanded for passing strangers.

Echoes of fear festooned for all to see.

With each peg I pin my truth more firmly: It happened. It happened. Yes, it happened.

With each garment I am free, unloaded From the burden of ill-gained privacy.

With each sheet I watch my future unfurl And the past is blown away beyond reach.

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An English literature graduate, maths teacher, and mum of four, Becky is finding her voice again after leaving an abusive marriage while pregnant. Becky says: “Writing helps me make sense of the confusion and seek hope.”

S P E T S 5

to a more ethical skincare routine Transform your daily habit into positive actions that prioritise what matters most to you Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

M

ost of us pick the skincare products that suits us best – the face cream that hydrates our dry skin, the shampoo that defines our curls, or the lotion that smells like our favourite perfume. But every product we use impacts our bodies, communities, and the planet – in ways we don’t often realise. Harmful chemicals threaten human health, while unsustainable production methods devastate our ecosystems and exploit vulnerable workers. Instead of believing you are merely a helpless consumer, what if your choices could become a powerful form of activism?

When you choose products that prioritise health, sustainability, and social responsibility, you not only protect your own wellbeing, but

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you support the environment, help responsible businesses grow, and signal to industries that consumers demand change. These choices matter because they transform skincare from a personal routine into a form of global responsibility – where every transaction becomes an opportunity to vote for the kind of world you want to create. Here’s how to get started:

Define ‘ethical’ What is it that worries you most about your existing skincare routine? For example, there are some chemicals, such as benzophenone, which act as hormone-disrupters and can potentially hamper growth, fertility, and reproduction.

Perhaps it’s the threat of absorbing

microplastics that feels most pressing. Then, there is the animal testing aspect to consider, not to mention the impact that certain packaging and production methods can have on our planet.

Consider what matters most to you, and take it from there.

The good news is that there are online spaces that do a lot of the work for you. Karen MacDonald, facialist and founder of blommabeauty.com says: “On our website, we list the ‘conscious credentials’ of products that may not be obvious at first, or when you receive your order – like how to dispose of the packaging properly.”

Read the label Naturally, a good place to start is considering the packaging. “Pay

attention to product packaging by checking for recycling logos, and selecting options that use ecofriendly materials like sugar cane plastic,” suggests Charlotte Vøhtz, founder of greenpeople.co.uk. “This helps reduce the environmental impact, and supports more sustainable practices.”

Then, check the ingredients list, looking for palm oil (its production drives deforestation, harming wildlife and ecosystems) as well as toxins – like parabens, triclosan, phthalates, sodium lauryl sulphate, sodium laureth sulphate, and synthetic fragrances. For more information on what specific toxins to avoid, and lists of brands that are cruelty-free, palm oil-free, or use sustainable palm oil, visit ethicalconsumer.org.

Look for certifications If, like most people, you don’t have time to diligently research product manufacturing and ingredients lists before every purchase, then third-party certifications are here to help. Karen suggests looking for certifiers like The Soil Association, Leaping Bunny, The

Vegan Society, and The Plastic Soup Foundation. “These are all super trustworthy and reliable indicators,” says Karen.

Similarly, the COSMOS logo confirms that organic or natural products meet the rigorous COSMOS-standard, meaning you can feel assured making a purchase. Charlotte explains the significance of this certification: “You can be confident that it contains a high proportion of organically grown ingredients that are ethically and sustainably sourced. These products are also free from genetic modification and animal testing, making it easier to make informed and responsible choices.”

Try to choose multipurpose products Sometimes, the most sustainable thing you can do is simply buy fewer products. Less consumption reduces the strain on the environment by minimising extraction, waste generation, and pollution associated with mass production – essentially contributing to a more sustainable lifestyle by using less of the planet’s limited resources. But

what does that look like in reality?

“Seek out multi-functional products that will tackle a number of concerns or functions,” suggests Karen. “Balms are great for cleansing and hydrating, and some powdered clays can be used as a mask, spot treatment, and even an exfoliator. I favour natural products too, because, while they need to be farmed, they’re renewable, and generally don’t contaminate the environment when disposed of.”

Be realistic It can be overwhelming (and expensive) to completely overhaul your skincare routine overnight. So be patient with yourself as you transition to a more ethical approach, and be prepared to go at your own pace. Similarly, try not to be too hard on yourself if you have to make some difficult choices due to limited budgets, or a skin condition that requires specific, non-ethical treatment. “Small contributions and changes cumulatively make a difference,” says Karen, “so even if your whole routine can’t match your ethics, you’re still making an impact.” happiful.com | Issue 96 | 49

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50 | Issue 96 | happiful.com 24

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happiful regulars

myths about sex Many of our beliefs about sex are ill-informed, rumour-fuelled, or just plain wrong – so let’s put them to bed…

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

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love talking to my friends about sex. Not because I want to gossip, or compare myself, but because for a big part of the first 35 years of my life I was disconnected from my sexual desires. I was sexually active for some of the time, but I was hiding my queerness behind the false façade of a straight, married woman.

Thankfully, I came out a few years ago, and with that awakening came a newfound joy in sexual pleasure, along with a sense of liberation – finally, I could talk openly about sex without the fear of shame.

With that said, reconnecting with my sexuality has forced me to examine my misconceptions about intimacy. From unrealistic expectations about frequency to narrow definitions of what constitutes ‘real’ sex, these false beliefs can have a significant

impact on our health, and our relationships. That’s why I’m sharing six myths about sex that deserve debunking.

MYTH 1: The average couple has sex three times a week

There’s no rulebook for how much sex you ‘should’ be having on any given week, and according to psychodynamic psychotherapist Ilias Bloomfield, this idea keeps people focused on quantity over quality.

In aiming for a specific target, you could set yourself up to fail.

“It’s reasonable to ask yourself if it’s even possible to be having sex three times a week with your current schedule, life commitments, family obligations, and other responsibilities,” says Ilias. “Sex is still super important and healthy for our relationships, and establishing what feels right for you and your partner is

crucial, rather than trying to have a one-size-fits-all approach.”

After all, sex shouldn’t be about ticking a task of a to-do list, but, instead, about connecting on a deeper level.

MYTH 2: Sex only ‘counts’ if there is penetration and orgasms

Whether it’s what we’re taught in school, heteronormative scenes of intercourse on TV, or examples from porn, the idea of sex has become synonymous with penetration and orgasms.

But this limited definition of sex means that many of us are missing out on the full spectrum of pleasurable activities.

“It seems to me that we have lessons to learn from the LGBTQIA+ community when it comes to what counts as sex,” says Ilias, who notes that our western focus on procreation, >>> happiful.com | Issue 96 | 51

While sex can contribute greatly to the quality of your romantic relationships, a lack of it isn’t necessarily a red flag

penetration, and orgasms sets unrealistic expectations. “It’s not always possible to orgasm, and it’s not necessary for all intimate moments between you and your partner to lead to penetration.”

According to the National Survey of Sexual Health and Behaviour, men are more likely to orgasm when sex includes vaginal intercourse, whereas women are more likely to orgasm when they engage in a variety of 52 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

sex acts, suggesting that differing needs and preferences are completely normal.

“For a lot of people, oral sex, kissing, or other intimate acts can be as important as penetrative sex, so we shouldn’t forget about the importance of intimacy,” says Ilias. “Intimacy should be defined between you and your partner, and be about your individual needs, and what makes you feel pleasure and enjoyment.”

MYTH 3: You can’t get an STD from oral sex

Sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) affect more than 400,000 people in Britain, and data from the UK Health Security Agency suggests that this figure is rising.

The associated stigma means that conversations around safety and protection are often shrouded in mystery.

“You can get and give an STD from oral sex, and not many

happiful regulars

people realise this,” explains Ilias. “Chlamydia, gonorrhoea, syphilis, and other infections can be transmitted orally, but I would like to emphasise that there is little to no risk of getting or transmitting HIV from oral sex.” Lower your chances of giving or getting an STD by using a condom, dental dam, or other barrier methods during oral sex, and schedule a yearly sexual health screening.

MYTH 4: Lesbians don’t need to practise safe sex

“The assumption that lesbians don’t need to practise safe sex is actually a very dangerous assumption,” says Roxy Bourdillon, author of What A Girl Wants: A (True) Story Of Sexuality And Self-Discovery. “People of all sexualities need to practise safe sex, and that includes lesbians.”

As previously mentioned, STDs can be contracted from nonpenetrative sex acts. So when it comes to women-on-women sex, it’s important to know that oral sex, genital contact, genital to body contact, and sex toys can all spread disease.

MYTH 5: No sex means the relationship is over

While sex can contribute greatly to the quality of your romantic relationships, a lack of it isn’t necessarily a red flag.

“I often hear stories of people who have fulfilling relationships in the absence of sexual gratification,” says Ilias. “For the majority of couples, relationships encompass more than just good sex – they encompass love, a blend of other crucial aspects such as safety, companionship, shared goals and aspirations, survival, and the act of coming together to create a tribe.”

Of course, some relationships do end after a period without sexual intimacy, but Ilias stresses that this is likely one of many contributing factors, rather than the sole cause. But it’s also OK if sex is an important aspect of relationships to you. “This is a question that may arise at some point in your relationship, and if sex holds such importance that it sustains your connection, you must confront this challenge together,” says Ilias.

“If necessary, seek professional

Ilias Bloomfield is a psychodynamic psychotherapist. Connect via the Counsellling Directory.

help to determine if this is just a temporary decline in sexual desire, or a deeper issue that can be resolved.”

MYTH 6: Bisexual people are just confused

Bisexual people have long been subjected to judgement and abuse regarding their sexuality.

“The idea that bisexual people are just confused is an outdated, biphobic stereotype that, sadly, I still hear today,” says Roxy. “It stems from a limited, binary way of thinking; the false belief that you’re either gay or straight, and there are no other options at all. This mindset doesn’t begin to reflect the reality of human sexuality, which is gloriously diverse.” The truth is that bisexual people have always existed, and their experiences with sex and intimacy are just as valid as everyone else’s. happiful.com | Issue 96 | 53

Solving the anxiety puzzle

Practical advice on putting the pieces together and finding a pragmatic solution to situations that cause you anxiety

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avid* had been signed off work with crippling anxiety. His situation had become so severe he could hardly leave the house to do the weekly shop. To make matters worse, his marriage was suffering as he withdrew from life even further in a desperate attempt to cope. But the truth is that David was not coping at all. He walked into my consulting room with downcast eyes and slumped shoulders, showing clear signs that life’s struggles were overwhelming him.

Understanding why someone is struggling with anxiety is often like trying to solve a puzzle. Everyone is unique. Their individual situations, while often similar, are different, and so there is no one-size-fitsall template to magically make it better. What works is a tried and tested, structured approach to uncover the cause of their anxiety that I’d like to share with you.

In the 1980s, Joe Griffin and Ivan Tyrrell developed their ‘human givens theory’, based on extensive work with clients struggling with mental health issues such as crippling anxiety. The theory posits that human beings have nine emotional needs that they need to meet in balance. If they are not able

54 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

to do so, they may suffer emotional, and often physical, distress. In this case, David was most certainly not getting his emotional needs met. The key was to find what was causing him the problem.

At the centre of solving the anxiety puzzle are the following nine emotional needs: • Security. Living in a safe environment which allows us to develop fully.

• Attention. Giving and receiving the attention we need.

• Control. Having volition to make our own responsible choices.

• Community. Feeling part of a welcoming wider community, e.g. clubs, societies, religious or political groups.

• Intimacy. Knowing that at least one other person accepts us for who we are, ‘warts ‘n’ all’.

• Privacy. Space to reflect on experiences, and being able to calm ourselves, if necessary, when stressed.

• Status. Feeling respected by our social groups.

• Achievement. Having the agency and ability to make things happen for ourselves.

• Meaning and purpose. Finding meaning and purpose through challenging times.

STEVE MAHER MA Cert. PCIC Dip.Psych MAC MHGI

Steve Maher is a consultant, professional coach, psychotherapist, and writer.

Connect with him via the Life Coach Directory.

With this information, we can implement a four-stage approach to resolving anxiety issues.

Step one: Take an emotional needs audit

In business, bad practices can creep in over time. To check that companies are running well, it’s commonplace to have an audit function that checks on its overall health. Similarly, you can audit your own life situation with an ‘emotional needs audit’ (ENA).

By scaling a series of questions from one to seven, you can assess how well your emotional needs are being met. For instance, to assess your feeling of security, ask yourself: ‘Do I feel safe in all aspects of my life such as at work and home?’ You might ask, ‘Do I feel emotionally connected to others,’ or ‘Do I feel like my life has

EXPERT COLUMN

Step four: Take action

direction?’ If you score less than four, identify the areas causing you to feel unsafe and why.

issue. We had now put our corner pieces in place.

Step two: Identify the root cause

Identifying the root cause of David’s anxiety as stemming from his relationship with his boss, meant that fixing this could resolve the safety issue. However, when struggling with anxiety it can make navigating out of our situation difficult – it’s like our brain goes offline. In this case, recruiting a second brain by involving a friend, colleague, or professional (like a coach or therapist) to help us brainstorm potential solutions can help.

With this input, David identified several options, such as leaving the company and finding another internal role. He even considered taking a sabbatical to travel.

When starting a jigsaw puzzle, a key initial step is to place the four corner pieces, so first, we need to find them. Often a reason for feeling unsafe at work can be due to an overbearing or bullying boss. David scored a lowly two on his security question in his ENA, indicating a problem. Further discussion revealed that his boss often yelled at him across the office in front of his colleagues, undermining his confidence. Once a high-functioning employee, David’s performance declined as his boss’ behaviour eroded his selfesteem. This identified the core

Step three: Choose a strategy

David chose to be brave and confronted his boss about his behaviour using the XYZ approach from relationship therapy that I shared with him. He said, “When you shout at me in front of my colleagues (X), it makes me feel embarrassed and humiliated (Y).

In future, please ask me to come to your office instead to discuss the matter at hand (Z).” Initially sceptical, David decided to try this approach first, as he liked his job. To his surprise, it worked, and led to a deeper conversation about David’s situation. His boss was mortified that he was the source of his absence from work, apologised, and vowed to change his behaviour. Over the following weeks, David’s anxiety reduced, and his overall wellbeing improved.

Naturally, there are countless causes of anxiety, so having a structured approach to addressing it is important. If you or someone you know is experiencing anxiety, consider using this method to help manage it. It works! *Name has been changed. happiful.com | Issue 96 | 55

Nourishing & healthy banana bread A low-carb, keto-friendly recipe, packed with nutrients for a satisfying snack or dessert Writing | Cressida Reese

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f you’re following a low-carb or keto lifestyle, or simply aiming to eliminate refined sugar, gluten, and wheat from your diet, this recipe could become your new go-to. It’s the perfect balance of sweetness, nourishment, and satisfaction – ideal for enjoying alone, or sharing with family and friends.

food & drink

Banana bread Ingredients Dry ingredients: • Half a cup (63g) of coconut flour • Half a teaspoon of baking powder • Half a teaspoon of baking soda • Half a teaspoon of cinnamon • A quarter teaspoon of salt Wet ingredients: • 3 large, ripe bananas, mashed up • 3 large eggs • A third of a cup (84g) of tahini (could be any nut or seed butter – you can vary it for different tastes, nutrition, etc.)

• A quarter cup (60ml) of unsweetened almond milk (or any milk of choice) • Half a teaspoon of vanilla extract Add-ins for uniqueness: • Two tablespoons of walnuts or pecans • Shredded coconut • Sugar-free dark chocolate chips

Method • Preheat the oven to 175°C/350°F. • Line a loaf pan with bleach-free parchment paper, or lightly grease with butter.

• In a bowl, mix the coconut flour, baking powder, baking soda, cinnamon, and salt.

• In a separate bowl, mash the bananas, then add the eggs and tahini, almond milk, and vanilla extract, and whisk until smooth.

• Mix the wet and dry ingredients until combined. Let the mixture rest for 5 minutes to allow it to thicken, as the coconut flour will absorb moisture.

• Fold in any extras you would like, such as nuts, seeds, and sugarfree dark chocolate chips.

• Pour into the loaf tin, and bake for about 40–50 minutes, until a knife inserted into the centre comes out clean.

• Take out and leave the bread to cool down before slicing. You can add butter to each slice, or a sugar-free jam for extra sweetness or moisture.

The healthy bit Coconut flour is a popular, naturally gluten-free alternative to wheat flour. It’s rich in dietary fibre, helping to promote digestive health, maintain regular bowel movements, and improve satiety.

Compared to traditional flour, it’s lower in carbohydrates, making it a suitable option for low-carb or ketogenic diets. The fat in coconut flour is mainly medium-chain triglycerides (MCTs), which are quickly absorbed by the body and an efficient source of energy.

Unlike long-chain triglycerides (LCTs), MCTs bypass the digestive process, going directly to the liver where they are converted into ketones – a fuel source for the brain and muscles. Incorporating MCT-rich foods into your diet can boost energy levels, enhance mental clarity, and promote metabolic health.

Coconut flour contains important minerals like iron, magnesium, and potassium, along with antioxidants that help protect the body from oxidative stress. It is mildly sweet, which can enhance flavour without

added sugar. The high fibre and fat content in coconut flour can help slow the absorption of sugars into the bloodstream, potentially benefiting blood sugar control.

Bananas are a healthy source of fibre, potassium, vitamin B6, vitamin C, and various antioxidants and phytonutrients.

Many people are low in potassium which can lead to muscle cramps, lower energy, and sugar metabolism issues.

The way to raise potassium in the body is to increase zinc intake, which helps retain potassium.

Potassium is available in some fruits and vegetables, but eating too much fruit is a problem these days due to the high sugar content, and a form of toxic potassium that is picked up from the NPK fertilisers used on most crops. Using bananas, especially if they are slightly starchy rather than super ripe, is a great way to add in some resistant starch which is low GI and passes through the gut undigested – in your large intestine, this starch is fermented by bacteria to form butyrate, a short-chain fatty acid that appears to benefit gut health.

Regular consumption of walnuts has been linked to improved heart health by helping to reduce cholesterol levels, inflammation, and high blood pressure. Walnuts may also support brain health, possibly lowering the risk of agerelated cognitive decline.

Cressida Reese is a nutritional consultant, specialising in hair mineral analysis.

Visit the Nutritionist Resource for more. happiful.com | Issue 96 | 57

Back in the saddle

Could spending directed time with horses be the therapeutic experience you’re looking for? And what is it about these particular creatures that makes them a perfect match to improve our mental health?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

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here’s something about horses. From the workhorses that supported agriculture in years gone by to the showhorses capable of magnificent feats and, now, therapy horses supporting us to navigate various mental health challenges in facilitating, creative ways.

Equine-facilitated psychotherapy (EFP) – sometimes also known as ‘equine-assisted psychotherapy’, ‘hippotherapy’, or just ‘equine therapy’ – describes a range of different wellbeing treatments that incorporate horses (as well as other equines such as donkeys and ponies) into a therapeutic session.

Incredibly, equine therapy can be traced all the way back to Ancient Greece, and the philosopher Hippocrates wrote about ‘hippotherapy’ and ‘riding’s healing rhythm’, going on to explain that the gate of a horse mimics the natural movement of a healthy human. The first study into equine therapy was in 1875

by French neurologist Charles Chassaignac. What he concluded was that riding could be an effective form of physiotherapy,

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

but he also found that it improved mood and cognitive function.

More recently, in 2023, a study published in BMC Complementary Medicine and Therapies found that equine-assisted therapy was effective in improving emotional regulation, self-efficacy, and selfesteem in patients with substance use disorders.

“Research suggests that therapeutic outcomes may be improved by incorporating a focus on sensory experiences – this is where our four-legged companions come in,” says Dr Danielle Mills, a counsellor and founder of Pony Partnerships.

“Embodied awareness through EFP supports an increase in the way clients experience and interpret their understanding of what they are doing, and how they are doing it. Horses help us connect to our somatic (bodily) selves, offering insights into how we relate to the world as well as to others.”

Through this connection, Dr Mills believes that clients can better understand sensory experiences such as: • Proprioception (awareness of the body’s position and movement)

• Neuroception (the ability to sense safety or danger in people and situations) • Interoception (noticing and regulating internal bodily signals).

“Equine-facilitated psychotherapy is for everyone, no horse experience necessary!” Dr Mills continues. “We work with clients of all ages and neurotypes, from horse enthusiasts to those who might feel a little nervous around them. Whether you’re drawn to horses or hesitant about them, this approach can provide a safe and enriching way to explore personal growth.”

Why horses?

For those who haven’t spent a lot of time around horses, the idea of using them for therapy in this way may seem a little unusual.

But there are several reasons why these particular creatures can be so effective in supporting us.

First and foremost, consider their size. Likely one of the first things you will notice about a horse is how big it is, and that physical presence can have an equally big impact on the way we interact with them. Horses are

powerful animals, and that can be intimidating for some people.

But overcoming that fear can feel liberating and affirming.

Additionally, horses are herd animals, desiring company and wanting to be led. As part of this, they also mirror behaviours, sometimes reflecting back our own emotions – demonstrating the things we might not have been aware we were feeling.

“I grew up around horses, so they were always part of my life, and have been integral in my own therapeutic journey,” Dr Mills says. “I first discovered that equine-facilitated psychotherapy [EFP] was a ‘thing’ when I was 15 and, from that moment, I knew it was something I wanted to do one day! It’s been quite a journey, but, in 2015, I completed my initial training and founded Pony Partnerships CIC, operating out of Moo Haven – a wonderful pony rescue.”

What happens during an equine therapy session?

There’s no exact answer to this question, as there are several different approaches and belief systems around this type of therapy. The majority of the time, though, there will be no actual horse riding involved – although, this is also a specific option for the right people.

Usually, there will be exercises that require the individual to interact with the horse. There may be practical, creative problem-solving exercises, or mindful movement.

“For me, EFP sessions are all about collaboration, with the >>> happiful.com | Issue 96 | 59

Dr Danielle Mills is a counsellor specialising in working with children and young people. Find out more by visiting her profile on the Counselling Directory.

• I and thou. “This relates to Buber’s (1965) concept of the moment of connection between self and other and the more objectified ‘I-It’ relationship.

The HERD approach focuses on the movement between these moments, and attending to the embodied nature of these encounters for all involved.”

With this in mind, Dr Mills notes that sessions are unstructured and guided by the client’s needs, with the horses given the freedom to choose their level of involvement. She says: “This natural, respectful approach creates a calm, collaborative environment for growth and reflection.”

A way over the hurdles horses being active participants in the therapeutic process,” Dr Mills explains. “Clients work alongside a therapist and a horse or horses, creating opportunities to explore different ways of thinking, being, and relating.”

Dr Mills follows the three key principles of the HERD approach, developed by Dr Veronica Lac, which are: • Here and now. “This is our ability to remain in the moment in a fully embodied way, and includes both our internal and external awareness,” says Dr Mills. “As practitioners, it is 60 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

our job to support and explore the client’s awareness of self, other, and their environment.

By supporting the client to stay in the here and now, we can support them to connect their cognitive and embodied awareness.”

• What and how. “This is based on the philosophical concept of phenomenology – as a practitioner we seek to understand the client’s experience without interpreting it. This allows the client to explore and make their own meaning from each experience.”

Whatever the challenges we face, one thing’s for certain: there’s no one-size-fits-all solution.

“For some, the traditional therapy setup – sitting face-toface in a room, with the focus on talking – can feel intimidating or overwhelming,” Dr Mills says. “Equine therapy offers an alternative: working outdoors with horses, and in nature, can provide a unique flexibility to explore the client’s experience of the world. It’s a space for exploration, connection, and healing, where nature and animals come together to foster change.”

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Going it alone Writing | Kai Conibear

Spot the symptoms of social isolation, and recognise when withdrawing is affecting your wellbeing

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e all have moments when we just want to be alone. Life pressures can leave us wanting to slam the front door, and keep it shut for the foreseeable. However, when we withdraw completely from others, for an extended period, it’s time to look at why.

Naturally, some people require time and space in their own company to replenish their energy reserves, but for introverts this is a temporary technique that stems from positive recognition of their own needs and boundaries.

On the other hand, constantly withdrawing from social situations, especially if it is out of character, can be a sign that something is wrong, whether it’s for you or someone you know.

Social isolation can also be a sign of a mental health problem or illness, and, what can be particularly tricky is the cycle this creates where, if you already live with a mental illness, it can worsen conditions, and even be the cause of a relapse.

62 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

“Lack of contact with loved ones or not engaging in fun activities can prevent the individual from being able to get out of their head a little, or to offload their thoughts and concerns – thus, having more time to overthink and ruminate,” integrative psychotherapist Sedef Salim explains. “They can then fall into a vicious cycle of the more they isolate themselves, the more they may become stressed, which can lead to an increase in low mood, depression, and anxiety.”

WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF SOCIAL ISOLATION?

Feeling exhausted, or overwhelmed, and needing a night in is completely understandable, but this is why we need to pay attention to when this withdrawal escalates, as it can be easy to brush off and miss the bigger picture.

Feeling like a burden can be a reason for withdrawing from others. You might start getting the sense you’re an outsider, or like no one truly sees the real you. You might not remember the

wellbeing

last time you had a meaningful conversation with someone. You can start to feel hopeless, and become preoccupied with what others think of you. All of these experiences feed into wanting to distance yourself from others even more.

“Falling into a vicious cycle of the more withdrawn you have become, the less motivated or more anxious you feel to reengage in social events,” says Sedef. “You choose to continue avoiding these situations, because the very thought of reengaging after so long now fills you with fear and anxiety.”

It’s not only our mental health which suffers, but our physical health, too. Anxiety can create panic, which can increase muscle tension, and cause digestive problems. Symptoms also include irritability, lethargy, insomnia, and poor self-care. Social isolation increases your risk of cardiovascular disease, and, in some cases, can lead to suicide ideation. A 2022 literature review, published in European Psychiatry, found a “causal relationship between social isolation and suicide, and conversely, a protective effect of social support against suicide”. Social isolation is not to be taken lightly.

Social isolation v introversion

A key way to differentiate between the two is the motivation. Introverts need solitude to recharge, and doing so can leave them feeling calm and content. Social isolation comes from a place of withdrawal, often with associated emotions of sadness, emptiness, and loneliness.

WHO IS MOST AT RISK OF SOCIAL ISOLATION?

Social isolation might start with anxiety and a need to be alone, avoiding spending time with friends and attending social >>> happiful.com | Issue 96 | 63

events. This can also be a sign of depression – withdrawing from others, and no longer enjoying activities and time spent with other people. People who experience psychosis are also more likely to socially isolate themselves, because of the fear of going out in public with the condition, or of what others may think of them.

An important note is that anyone can be at risk of becoming socially isolated – a person could be in a relationship, or have solid friendship groups, good family connections, and still begin to withdraw themselves from others.

Alongside mental health conditions, a few factors can increase the likelihood of falling victim to social isolation. As we age, our social groups can get smaller – whether due to retirement, loved ones moving away, or a lack of mobility meaning it’s difficult to get out as much. In turn, those with disabilities may find that a lack of accessibility prevents them from engaging in certain social spaces, and marginalised groups may find that discrimination and stigma creates barriers, too.

HOW CAN YOU OVERCOME SOCIAL ISOLATION?

Sedef encourages us to take stock of the how, and why. “A good place to start might be to check-in with yourself in terms of why you have withdrawn from social situations.

Is this normal behaviour for you, or has something triggered this change in behaviour?

Acknowledging what may be 64 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

happening beneath the surface can influence your first step to making your way back.”

Understanding our behaviours and what caused them in the first place is a good place to begin. Attending therapy can help us delve further, and really get to grips with why we engage in these behaviours. Even if it’s online, connecting with another individual on a regular basis can be a positive first step toward engaging with other people, and going out into the world.

Another way of reconnecting with people, without the pressure of explaining why you’ve been MIA, could be spending time with others due to mutual interests. You could try joining a sports or hobby club – anything from video gaming or crafting, to wild swimming or a book club. At first, it can feel daunting to put yourself back out there, but having a shared interest or common goal can make it much easier to make meaningful connections.

“The first step can be hard, especially if you are experiencing depression and low mood, however, this is why exercise or changing your environment is encouraged, as moving your body will manipulate your endorphins, dopamine levels, and these will elevate your mood – but it takes that first brave step to re-emerge into your life,” Sedef says.

Social isolation is often led by fear, with worries and anxieties that are usually unfounded. Here are some of the most common concerns, and how you can respond to them...

“I feel nervous and awkward in social situations.” It’s helpful to remember that even the most extroverted and confident people have insecurities, too.

“I need to be perfect around other people.” Don’t worry if you’ve stumbled over a word, or lost your train of thought. We all do it – and odds are, the person you’re interacting with has the same worries as well.

“No one wants to spend time with me.” What we tell ourselves often doesn’t reflect reality. It’s important we look at why we feel this way about ourselves, challenge the negativity, and engage in positive self-talk.

Looking forward, NHS England has started trials using virtual reality (VR) to help patients manage social isolation by immersing themselves in public places, alongside CBT therapy to talk through their experiences.

Social isolation can become pervasive, invade our lives and take over completely. But there are strategies which can bring us back to real life. A life where you have a support network you know you can turn to.

Kai Conibear is a writer and mental health advocate. His first book, ‘Living at the Speed of Light’, about bipolar disorder, is out now.

Sedef Salim is an integrative psychotherapist with more than 10 years’ experience. Reach out via the Counselling Directory.

RUNNER UP!

C o r r e l at i o n O l ive r Be r r y I saw you crying on the church steps Stranger I tried – in earnest – not to attract your gaze but it took an age for the lights to change.

I had tears in my eyes too. Always, though I (always) blame the cold. I am not presumptive: we did not share ‘a moment’, as those unknown to each other do. We, in separate worlds, with separate causation, were simply in the same city, at the same time. There is nothing more to the sorrow of which we beg to mean something, no more than we can beg of the endless tides to have purpose.

And yet still I saw you, halfway to heaven Strange How you can see through closed eyes, feeling out the world like some emotive echolocation through the fog. I sometimes feel I am never truly looking; only ever rushing through one sadness to the next. But you, I notice just because it took an age for the lights to change.

65 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

Originally from Kent, Oliver Berry works at the University of Edinburgh as a research enabler and enjoys yoga, playing guitar, and writing.

Spotlight on

shine theory

How to turn the tables on a culture of competing, and instead see the value in celebrating each others’ successes Writing | Michelle Elman

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wouldn’t be where I am today if it wasn’t for the women in my life. More specifically, the women in my industry – from the friends to strangers who have been transparent about what they are charging, handed over opportunities when they couldn’t do a job, and invited me to join them in rooms that I would never have been invited into.

This couldn’t be more different to the world I grew up in where, in my school, we were taught that everyone was your competitor.

It was most obvious within grades, actively being taught that it didn’t matter if you got 98% if someone else got 99%, because you could still do better. That helping someone else with their homework would be putting them before yourself. It was an environment where an ‘each for its own mentality’ was deeply ingrained. It extended to when we started socialising with boys,

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and even moved on to more trivial things like not helping each other with luggage on the first day of term, even if you were an 11-year-old girl struggling up four flights of stairs with three massive suitcases. I still remember the culture shock when I went to university, and was amazed that someone would help me carry my suitcases, and didn’t want anything in return!

It took entering the working world, and befriending a few people in my industry, to realise how different people could be. I am only an author today because two women asked me to be in their books, and while both were relative strangers at the time, they are friends today. I only got an agent because, again, a stranger at a party gave me solid advice about what I deserved.

One of my career highlights has been featuring as a life coach on This Morning, but very

few know that this opportunity came about because of someone putting in a good word for me.

I called a woman to discuss her management team (as I was thinking of moving), and she had suggested I would be really good on TV. We had only met once before, so she didn’t know that I had in fact been pursuing a career in broadcasting for more than a decade. She sent an email recommending me, and anytime I have given her credit for this, she has refused it. She insists that they wouldn’t book me if I was no good, and while that is true, I know that you can be the best in the world at something, and if no one opens any doors for you, you won’t go anywhere!

Meeting women who would end up being my biggest cheerleaders made me realise how exhausting constantly competing was, and it wasn’t even advantageous careerwise because it left me feeling so

@MICHELLELELMAN

Jealousy is a very normal human reaction, but we must reach for collaboration over competition

alone and isolated. It turns out I had met women who were living the ‘shine theory’ long before I knew what it was. Shine theory is a concept created by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman that I learned about while reading their book, Big Friendship.

Underpinning it is the idea that if you shine, I shine, too.

Most recently, I wrote about it in my own friendship book, Bad Friend, as I believe it’s

the best antidote to all the competition, jealousy, and bitchiness that female friendship is stereotypically known for.

Aminatou and Ann said that jealousy is not a failing of the theory, that it is a very normal human reaction, but that we must reach for collaboration over competition.

As women, we have bought into the narrative that there are fewer seats at the table for

us, and therefore we are forced to compete for the one seat available, rather than advocating and pushing for more to be added for us.

For me, shine theory is also about removing the comparison and scarcity mindset that we can’t all win. Another person’s success does not take away from you, or your own. It is so tempting to make it personal, but, sometimes in life, it will be about you, and sometimes it is someone else’s turn in the spotlight. When it is your turn, you will be so glad you have people around you who support you in your triumphs, and will shout as loudly about your wins as their own. That is how we change the culture!

‘Bad Friend: Why Friendship Breakups Hurt and How to Heal’

by Michelle Elman will be available from 8 May 2025 (Renegade Books, £20.00) happiful.com | Issue 96 | 67

How to support a loved one who’s had a baby A new life entering your social circle can be an exciting time – but also overwhelming and exhausting, especially for new parents.

Here’s a five-step guide to showing your support in this next chapter Writing | Caroline Butterwick

A

friend or family member having a baby can be a wonderful time, but it also brings lots of change and emotions. While it’s natural to want to support our loved one as they enter this new phase, it can be hard to know how to help. We might worry about saying the wrong thing, especially if they’re struggling, or be unsure of what practical help would be best – or simply how to go about offering it, without overstepping.

To help you to help them, here are five effective ways you can be there for your loved one who’s recently had a baby.

1. Be guided by them

Every birth experience will be unique – whether positive or negative. So, when you talk to your loved one, you may be unsure what to say. “Sometimes people want to talk a lot about their birth experience and the transition to parenthood, and then your role is really just to listen,” says psychotherapist Catherine Weston. Particularly when things might not have been 68 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

straightforward, unexpected challenges arose, or they are feeling a bit overwhelmed, you may feel stuck for things to say in response, but it’s hard to go wrong with: “It sounds like you handled everything so well, given the circumstances.”

“If you find your loved one does not want to talk, that’s fine, too,” adds Catherine. “Maybe they just can’t face going there again, as everyone has maybe been asking the same questions. In that case, you can help by bringing your own news, gossip, or anecdotes so they can get some relief from the world they have become immersed in.”

2. Gently offer support if they’re struggling

Many new parents struggle with their mental health, and it can be hard to know how to be there for them. “If you’re worried that your loved one might be really struggling emotionally, either due to lack of sleep, anxiety about being a new parent, or even postnatal depression, being open about it and asking them,

without judgement, is the best way forward,” says Catherine.

“Leaving any expectations behind, you could say something like: ‘I’ve noticed you mentioned struggling emotionally a lot recently. I wondered if you might be feeling anxious or depressed.’

Then you have named it, but it’s an offer, not a diagnosis, and you’re certainly not telling them how they feel.”

If you’re able to, you could offer to accompany them to a GP appointment either as moral support or an advocate, if they would find this helpful.

3. Look after yourself

“Be self-aware, and play to your strengths,” says Catherine. “If you’ve never held a baby before, probably say that before offering to look after theirs for a day. If you do something as hands-on as helping out at night so the new parents can sleep, make sure you don’t volunteer for a full week, or you’ll end up as exhausted as they are. It’s a cliché, but you can’t pour from an empty cup, so make sure you’re not giving more than you have.”

relationships

Dynamics might change, too.

“Your friend may not call you so much after having a baby. Your sister may get more attention from the new grandparents, and you can end up feeling left out.

Acknowledging these feelings is important. With the new addition to the family comes a multitude of losses, and it can take time to get used to this new normal. Give yourself time, if you need it, to grieve for the way things were before.”

4. Proactively offer some help

“It’s truly life-changing to offer to help a new parent with practical support,” says Catherine. This could be anything from cooking some lovely homemade

meals for them, looking after the baby while they have a shower and a moment to themselves, or helping with cleaning around the house.

“The golden rule is: never visit with the expectation of being waited on in any way,” emphasises Catherine. “At the very least, you’re the one who needs to be making the tea or coffee, or bringing it with you.

Text on the way to say you’re heading to the supermarket before visiting, so is there anything you can pick up for them?” Catherine recommends being proactive, rather than vaguely saying: “Let me know if there’s

Catherine Weston is an integrative CBT psychotherapist, with a compassion-focused lens.

Head to the Counselling Directory.

anything you need.” Instead, be specific about how you can help.

5. Put together a thoughtful care package

Taking the time to put together a care package with lovely things, from delicious food to toiletries and a magazine, shows you’re thinking of them – even if you can’t always be on hand to help in person. Pre-prepared meals will also likely be appreciated by new parents who don’t have the time or energy to cook from scratch. Small gestures like these can make a big difference, and show how much you care.

happiful.com | Issue 96 | 69

Be the love you never received Rune Lazuli

Photography | Yusril Khaerul

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Happiful reads...

From a fascinating toolkit for visual, to a book of comforting letters written by a clinical psychologist, explore our latest reading recommendations Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

V

iewing images can help us to communicate, tap into different emotions, and teach us something new.

But, in this digital age where we are exposed to high amounts of imagery every day on social media, it can often leave us feeling

The Visual Detox: How to Consume Media Without Letting it Consume You

by Marine Tanguy

overwhelmed and drained. So, how can we consume media responsibly, without letting it consume us?

Marine Tanguy is an art expert and founder of a talent agency in the UK art sector, who curated visuals as part of her job. Here,

she uses her expertise to empower you to analyse and manage your visual intake, discover what type of visual thinker you are, and so much more.

Talk: The Science of Conversation and the Art of Being Ourselves by Alison Wood Brooks Our daily interactions can bring us so much joy, and teach us a lot, but not every conversation is easy, and can often feel awkward and difficult.

Talk provides you with the tools needed to make small improvements to the way you communicate, based on the research from Harvard professor Alison Wood Brooks.

Open When

by Dr Julie Smith When life feels overwhelming and complicated, turn to Open When to find a series of open-style letters written by clinical psychologist and TikTok sensation Dr Julie Smith.

Each powerful letter focuses on a universal challenge that we might come across in our lifetime, and addresses it with reassurance, kindness, and expert guidance.

Must reads Well Worn: Visible Mending for the Clothes You Love

by Skye Pennant Close the door on fast fashion and impulsive spending habits, and welcome visible mending into your life.

Whether you’re a stitching pro or have never picked up a needle and thread, Well Worn will show you how to perfect this useful technique, and revive almost every item of clothing in your wardrobe.

happiful.com | Issue 96 | 71

Voyage of self-discovery How to make the most of your break, and turn time away into a true wellbeing haven Writing | Caroline Butterwick

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’m sitting at a table in a bustling taverna, with 12 others, chatting and laughing while we eat our stuffed vine leaves and Greek salads, enjoying the warm evening. As I sip my Aperol spritz, I realise how happy I am on holiday in Greece with extended family, and when I get home, I vow to make more of an effort to spend quality time with the people I care about.

Whether we’re venturing to the other side of the world, enjoying a weekend break, or making the most of what’s near where we live, most of us relish holidays and days out. But beyond the relaxation of swimming in the pool, or being blown away by the beauty of nature or ancient sites, travel can be a wonderful way of learning more about ourselves, and what matters most to us.

The wellbeing benefits of travel “When approached with intent, and a clear desire to better ourselves both emotionally and mentally, we are able to use travel as a type of complementary therapy to heal, and help us to reconnect with the world around us,” says life coach Chloe Gosiewski. “Most 72 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

of us are in routine mode every single day. We see the same views and people, and can very easily switch over to autopilot, allowing life to simply ‘sweep us along’, and this can, over time, leave us feeling stagnant and bored.

“Travel, whether that is a few days by the coast in mindful exploration, or a longer journey, is a way to experience personal development, and reconnect with the world again. You really don’t need to go very far, yet the effect can be profound if approached with intent.”

What do you want to get from your trip?

“Start by identifying what it is you want to gain from the trip,” Chloe advises. “Do you find that time is a constraint in your life? This could be on-the-clock timings for work or events, or even life milestones. If so, you could say for the trip: ‘I want to live in each moment, and be more fluid and present, and living in a more heart-centred way.’”

Do you want a busy day of sightseeing, or would you prefer a chilled time? Thinking intentionally about what this trip means to you can help you plan any activities in the spirit of what

you actually want to do. It’s all too easy to feel we need to have a packed itinerary, and while this works for some, it’s also perfectly OK if you’ve identified that this break should be easy going.

It can help to think about how you’ve been feeling recently.

Have you felt frazzled, meaning that running around a city ticking off attractions may be too much? Or have you been feeling bored and uninspired, perhaps suggesting that a trip to a fascinating museum or a hike in beautiful scenery could be just the ticket? Also consider what you’ve valued about past trips, and whether this fits with what you want to do now.

Making the most of it For me, one of the most important parts of travelling is having an open mind and curiosity. That could be anything from visiting a new café and trying something different on the menu, to braving water sports.

It’s a bit clichéd, but I believe in trying to get an ‘authentic’ experience when travelling, though, of course, I’m also happy visiting must-see sights from the guidebook. Sometimes a little digging online can help

you find out where the best place is to sample freshly baked Cornish pasties, or to enjoy homemade gelato, or where the best viewpoint is. I like watching vlogs beforehand, to get a sense of what a place is like, which can also help with anxiety about visiting somewhere new as you know what to expect.

While there, keep in mind what it is you want to get from this trip, but also allow yourself to be surprised. Sometimes, it’s >>>

You really don’t need to go far, yet the effect can be profound if approached with intent

happiful.com | Issue 96 | 73

Travel has the ability to help us to develop awareness of not only our own existence, but also our thoughts and surroundings

the conversation you have with a local, or the experience of getting a bus through a city and seeing the place from that perspective, that sticks with you. If I start to feel overwhelmed, or distracted by worries from day-to-day life, I focus on the sensory details around me, which helps with grounding and being present.

Using travel to understand yourself “Travel has the ability to help us to develop awareness of not only our own existence, but also our thoughts and surroundings,” explains Chloe. “It allows us to grasp a new perspective of who we are, and the place we hold in this world. Ultimately, it teaches us what is really important and what happiness means to people, everywhere – all attributes that contribute to good mental health and personal development.”

The enjoyment of a holiday or day trip can last long after you’re back home. Are there things from the experience that you really valued? What surprised you? What can you take from your travels and incorporate into your daily life, from making time for yourself to being more adventurous? It can be little things, like how you read a book while you were away, and realising this is something you’d love to make time for in your regular routine.

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Chloe Gosiewski is a travel and professional marketing coach, helping people meet their goals. Find her profile on the Life Coach Directory.

For me, different days out and holidays have brought various insights. The holiday to Greece showed me how much I value family, and that I want to spend more time with loved ones. It also taught me the importance of boundaries, in that I realised how important time to myself with a coffee and a book was during the trip – and how vital it is to communicate this. Going for

a walk with friends in the local countryside recently helped me realise that time in nature with loved ones is something I’d like to do more of, and encouraged me to get out more and explore around where I live.

No matter where you’re going, travel can be a way of learning so much about the world and other people, and about what really matters to you.

RUNNER UP!

W h e r e T h e L i g ht G e t s I n E m m a - Ja n e Ba rlo w That’s where the light gets in.

In the narrow nooks of nothingness.

When darkness is as deep as the ocean’s feet anchored to dying coral.

When the sky is as black as freshly poured tarmac and you can’t see beyond the density of its power.

That’s where the light gets in.

In the crevices of calamity.

When all hope is swimming in spirals, wrapped around shipwrecks like solemn seaweed, weeping.

When all the stars are in a coma, cocooned by their own sadness.

Then, and only then does the light appear, opening one sleeping eye, and then another.

We have to know the chill of the darkest places, before we can truly appreciate and experience the warmth and embrace of the universe’s love for us.

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Emma-Jane Barlow is an autistic author, poet and advocate. She was longlisted for the Heroica Poetry Prize, has performed alongside Mike Garry, and has also been showcased on BBC Radio Manchester.

Happiful recommends

From an activity encouraging you to take a quiet moment to a digital tool giving you the space to offload your thoughts, try one of our wellbeing recommendations Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

3

Buy something from a pet charity wishlist Woodgreen is a charity that works tirelessly to provide shelter and care for abandoned pets. One way you can help support them is by purchasing an item from their Amazon wishlist to bring the animals joy and comfort. After all, it’s not just us humans that have wishes. (Visit woodgreen.org.uk to find out more)

1

PAGE-TURNERS You Are Here by David Nicholls Best-selling author David Nicolls, whose book One Day was made into a hit Netflix series, surprises us with yet another romance novel. In this engaging read, two strangers struggling with loneliness are brought together by a mutual friend to walk the north of England. Are they on a path to finding a true connection?

(Out now, £20.00)

2

ACT OF KINDNESS

4

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘For What It’s Earth’ Cutting through the technical jargon to bring you bitesized lessons on big climate conversations are hosts Emma and Sophie – an environmental campaigner and a climate author. From how to throw a sustainable stag or hen do, to asking whether AI is a climate solution or concern, unpack weekly topics and find out how to help. (Available now on all podcast platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Why not have a go at sound mapping?

If you often find yourself more pre-occupied by getting to your destination rather than enjoying the journey on your walks, sound mapping is an activity that will help you slow down and connect with nature. Simply mark where you are on a piece of paper, and record the sounds that you can hear, and where you can hear them, in the form of words or doodles.

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5

PLUGGED-IN

Dr Alex George Youth mental health ambassador Dr Alex uses his platform on Instagram to help others build their mental fitness.

He talks about his own struggles and what he’s learnt, as well as providing wellbeing reminders and informative clips from his popular podcast ‘Stompcast’. (Follow @dralexgeorge on Instagram)

culture

7

TECH TIP-OFFS

CALM – offload your thoughts For those days where you just want to vent your frustrations without talking to your nearest and dearest, the mental health charity CALM has just what you need to offload your thoughts. You’ll find a blank space on their website where you can type anything that’s on your mind, made specifically for your eyes only.

(Visit thecalmzone.net/get-support/offload-your-thoughts)

6

LESSON LEARNED

Learn to batch-cook Batch cooking is a great way to help us save money and time, but many of us don’t know how to do it effectively. Cooking expert Suzanne Mulholland, dubbed ‘the Batch Lady’, has free online video courses on her website with tips and tricks on how to batch-cook like a pro.

(Visit thebatchlady.com for more)

9

SQUARE EYES

8

GET GOING

Make art with Strava Art can be found in many surprising ways, even on a fitness app. On Strava, the idea is that walkers, runners, or cyclists can map out their route in the forms of shapes or squiggly lines to make art before doing the distance. Adventurous Strava artists have been spotted creating animals, words, and even animated characters. (For examples and inspiration, visit strav.art)

A Real Bug’s Life For insect-curious adults, or nostalgic ones who loved watching the Pixar classic A Bug’s Life as a child, this short animated series is an enthralling live-action adaptation. Thanks to cuttingedge technology, we get to enter the microworlds of various bugs, and catch a glimpse of what mischief they get up to. (Watch on Disney+)

10

TREAT YOURSELF

Mini Paper Plant Kits from Clockwork Soldier Make your own homemade houseplants with these beautifully illustrated lavender, aloe vera, and succulent paper kits. Fun and easy to make, they are the perfect crafting activities for when you want to go screen-free and enjoy a peaceful moment. Not to mention, they’re maintenance-free!

(Sold separately at £7.50 each, clockworksoldier.co.uk)

WIN 3X MINI PAPER PLANT KITS For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com Which plant is commonly used to treat burns and wounds? a) Rosemary b) Cactus c) Aloe vera *Competition closes 30 April 2025. UK entries only. Good luck! happiful.com | Issue 96 | 77

How to tell if you’re guilty of spiritual bypassing Are you chasing positive vibes, or simply running away from the truth?

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

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hether it’s daily meditation, reading tarot cards, or working with a Reiki practitioner, finding a connection to something greater than yourself can do wonders for your mental health. In one literature review, published in Depression Research and Treatment, 61% of studies found less depression, faster recovery, or better coping among people with higher involvement in religion or spirituality.

But what if always looking on the bright side, or trying to manifest your way out of a dire situation, could do more harm than good?

What is spiritual bypassing?

Coined in the 1980s by American psychologist John Welwood, the phrase is based on his suggestion that while most people seek enlightenment to heal some sort of psychological wound, sometimes, they unwittingly use spiritual practices as a substitute for facing the wound itself.

Psychotherapist, Gigi Kaur, explains: “We are essentially avoiding discomfort and negative emotions. We’re really saying, ‘I 78 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

don’t wanna tap into anything that’s low vibrational.’”

What’s the problem?

Spirituality can offer hope, calm, and a sense of connectedness.

But it can often be used to mask parts of yourself that you’re not willing to deal with.

John Welwood argued that when spirituality is used to bypass real-life human issues, part of your identity becomes compartmentalised, and remains unintegrated with your overall functioning. Where true healing delivers a sense of peace and acceptance about yourself and the world you live in, spiritual bypassing is a denial of some part of yourself, and the peaceful exterior is a defence mechanism used to avoid the truth.

Signs of spiritual bypassing

One common sign of bypassing is using meditation as a form of detachment to avoid human connection and painful emotions.

Although meditation is an incredibly useful tool, it can be tempting to stay in a state of numbness to avoid the natural

ups and downs of the human experience. “People who are spiritually bypassing almost have this aura about them that they are ‘higher’ than this, and that they are ‘bigger’ than this,” says Gigi.

Excessive gratitude can be another red flag. Perhaps you’ve tried to focus on being grateful for all that you have, but unknowingly dismissed the genuine problems in your life that need validation and action.

No matter what the ‘love and light’ gurus would have you believe, the reality is that true growth is often messy, ugly, and uncomfortable.

Forced forgiveness is another form of bypassing. I once read it was essential to spiritual growth, so I wrote a forgiveness letter to a friend who betrayed me to symbolically ‘release’ the trauma. When it didn’t work, it pushed me further down a path of fake positivity, instead of facing the hurt. Years later, I’m still processing the resentment I have towards her, so, clearly, the pressure to forgive and forget isn’t always a helpful approach.

How to deal with spiritual bypassing 1. Acknowledge good intentions

Remember that this a defence mechanism, and often not intended to cause harm. If a friend encourages you to ‘think good vibes’ when you’ve just found out your rent is going up, they’re likely trying to protect you from spiraling. Simply say thank you, and let them know that your ‘negative’ response is valid, too.

Be the one to create space for the fullness of your experience.

2. Stay grounded

There can be a temptation to use spirituality as a form of escapism, but, as Gigi explains, true change

happens when we integrate our spiritual experiences into our physical reality: “We have to ground into our human selves, and actually be of this life as well.” Effective grounding techniques include savouring a hot drink, or naming things in your surroundings associated with the five senses.

3. Do shadow work

Because spiritual bypassing is a way of avoiding aspects of yourself you dislike, finding ways to face those parts is essential. Talking to a therapist will offer you a guide who can give you the confidence to do this work. “It’s my job to help you gently unpeel those layers of denial, to find what it is that you’re really afraid to face, that you’re not ready to see yet,” says Gigi. “As

a therapist, I really want to hold your hand and shine the light onto the aspects of yourself that feel dark, by providing a safe and compassionate container.”

Gigi Kaur is a psychotherapist specialising in trauma. Connect via the Counselling Directory. happiful.com | Issue 96 | 79

Nature-def icit disorder (and how to treat it)

When the responsibilities of modern life trap us indoors for hours on end, can we combat this nature-deficit through technology and simple cognitive tools to, in turn, boost our mental wellbeing?

Writing | Rebekah Crilly

I

recently took part in a sevenday programme called ‘The Big Joy Project’. This consisted of daily micro-acts of joy designed to improve wellbeing. What stood out most for me was a video featuring landscapes from around the world.

The sight of vast mountains, crashing waves, and the sun rising was enough to bring me to tears.

What was it about these scenes that moved me so greatly – even if I was only experiencing them through a screen? And, are there other ways to experience nature in a world that seems to implore us to stay indoors?

A modern dilemma

It’s no secret that the digital world is gradually replacing the natural one, at least in terms of how most of us spend our time (whether by desire or not). While our ancestors might have had no choice but to roam the wilderness, now more than 85% of a person’s daily life is spent indoors, according to a study in the Journal of Physiological Anthropology. It is generally agreed that this disconnect is not a good thing, given the well80 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

documented benefits of spending time in nature.

Coined by American author Richard Louv, the term naturedeficit disorder is used to describe “the human costs of alienation from nature”. Many of us probably suffer from this as we navigate our routines, with little time outdoors.

The benefits of nature

We all know, instinctively, the power of burying our feet in the sand, or taking a long walk in the countryside. Clinical psychologist Dr Sophie Mort, mental health expert at Headspace, says: “Research shows that spending at least 20 minutes in a nature setting reduces our primary stress hormone, cortisol. The sights, sounds, and smells of natural environments are often calming, which can reduce sensory overload and promote relaxation.”

Dr Mort explains how we tend to adopt a more mindful approach when we’re in nature, which can improve our ability to focus. “This is us being present, observing our thoughts and our surroundings and how they make us feel, all of

which leads to a greater sense of awareness.”

Our busy, modern lives stand in stark contrast to all that nature provides. “We are constantly using our mental energy to pay attention to everything all at once,” says Dr Mort. “This can understandably lead us to feeling mentally exhausted, whereas natural environments allow our minds to rest and recover.”

The role of awe

What nature gives us is an escape – a temporary reprieve from the daily grind. Counsellor, Georgina Sturmer reflects on how nature is in a constant state of evolution – offering us a sense of perspective.

“It reminds us that we are part of something bigger; an ecosystem that continues to thrive no matter what is going on in our internal worlds,” she says.

This echoes the research of professor of psychology Dacher Keltner. In his 2023 book Awe: The Transformative Power of Everyday Wonder, Dacher described how much health and wellbeing we gain by being amazed at things outside of ourselves. Nature

positive pointers

creates a ‘small self’ and, in turn, can help us reframe how we view our problems.

And it seems this awe-effect could transcend beyond traditional ideas of nature. In a nuanced 2020 study from Japan, published in Emotion, one group of participants watched videos of nature, including footage of mountains, ravines, and skies, which resulted in reduced activation of the default mode network – the area of brain associated with self-criticism, anxiety, and depression.

Just as I felt that sense of wonder viewing a YouTube video, perhaps there are ways we can bring snippets of nature into our daily lives when the great outdoors is not available.

Recreating nature

Georgina acknowledges that few of us live and work in the heart of nature, but that “we can all make choices during the day to access the natural world”. Try these five, effective ideas:

1. Find green where you can

It is about widening our definition of nature. “By simply making contact with and taking in the atmosphere of a green space, we can still make a real impact on our health,” advises Dr Mort. In fact, 2016 research published, in Scientific Reports, has shown that people who visit urban green spaces for more than 30 minutes a week have lower rates of depression and lower blood pressure, and those who use them >>> happiful.com | Issue 96 | 81

more frequently experience a greater sense of social cohesion.

2. Bringing the outside inside

In the absence of green spaces, there is plenty of evidence to suggest that accenting your interior with greenery has numerous health benefits.

From improving the quality of the air we breathe to boosting productivity, this seems like a small but manageable step for most of us to take. Georgina was certainly right about how it can foster our “nurturing instincts”.

If you’re anything like me, you’ll fret over your plants when you’re away, beat yourself up when they wither, and proudly show off your latest blooms on Instagram.

3. Nature in a virtual world

What the modern world takes away in access to nature, it will at least attempt to make up for it in the virtual world. Dr Mort explains: “Digital experiences can still benefit us, whether it’s catching up on your favourite nature documentary, or by taking a virtual garden tour.”

The majority of studies that used display stimuli, such as 3D images and videos of natural landscapes, confirmed that viewing natural scenery led to more relaxed body responses.

This would equally apply to playing nature sounds – be it the collective chirping of birds or the crashing of waves.

4. Visualisation

Both Dr Mort and Georgina encourage us to use our memories to create visualisations in our 82 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

mind, which we can lean on in times of stress or anxiety.

Can you recall that day you spent on the beach, splashing in salty water, or the feeling of grass between your toes on a summer’s day? These visualisation techniques can make us feel like we’re in nature, even when we’re not – evoking some of the same calming responses.

In one study, published in Frontiers in Psychology, researchers found that the reduction in anxiety was significantly greater after participants engaged in nature-guided imagery as opposed to urban imagery – indicating not only the power of our minds, but the soothing effect of nature.

5. Nature is everywhere

There’s a lovely moment in a Bluey cartoon where her dad, Bandit, finds a single leaf. He becomes entranced in its veins, gazing upon it long after the children go inside. While perhaps an oversimplification, this scene demonstrates the awe we can all find in nature – if we look hard enough. We don’t necessarily have to climb mountains or swim oceans, instead, we can look for the green that sprouts from concrete, we can care for the succulent on the windowsill – and if all else fails, we can curl up and listen to David Attenborough tell us all about the deep blue sea.

Georgina Sturmer is an integrative counsellor helping clients create a more confident life. Head to the Counselling Directory for more.

IVE PRINT EXCLUS

Issue 96: Spring clean your habits Journal your way to more productive patterns

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Where to find help Looking for support with your mental health?

Here are some places that can help: CRISIS SUPPORT

Hay fever hangovers pollen

Dark horse of wellbeing

Don’t let a high back count hold you

n't Why you should of overlook the power y equine therap

The sex factor

Putting myths about sex to bed

l ricaius Lygen This year's Happiful Poetry Prize winners inside...

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96

If you are in crisis and are concerned for your own safety, call 999 or go to A&E

Cover illustration | Rosan Magar

H & WELLBEING MENTAL HEALT DEVOTED TO

ANXIETY PUZZL

SKINCARE |

WAITING MODE

Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

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SANEline offers support and information from 4pm–10pm: 0300 304 7000

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SUPPORT FOR PTSD To find out more about PTSD, its symptoms, and its treatment – and discover support, visit ptsduk.org

INFORMATION ON OCD Visit ocduk.org or email via its webform for support and responses within 24 (working) hours.

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