How to stop resentment building in your relationship

Occasional arguments can be a natural part of our relationships, but is there a way to avoid upset and imbalances before they develop into something more?

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

Romantic relationships can be tricky things. From keeping track of the dayto-day, to the dozens of tasks and responsibilities on our plates (such as remembering the birthday of a family member you’ve never even met), relationships can come with a lot of added responsibilities.

For many, the imbalance in emotional labour that can develop leaves us feeling exhausted, overstretched, stressed, and fedup. As counsellor Laurele Mitchell explains, when we feel that the balance of our responsibilities within a relationship is off, it can lead to a whole host of problems.

“It’s incredibly stressful to take responsibility for someone else, to remember everything that needs to be done – never mind to do it – especially if we subjugate our own needs in the process,” Laurele explains. “It can lead to bitterness and resentment, being critical, and even contemptuous of our partner, which all have the potential to damage the relationship, especially if our partner is blissfully unaware of the problem!”

The more stressed and under pressure we feel, the more likely we are to bottle things up. After all, how can those around us not see how overwhelmed we are? Yet when we let these feelings and overall sense of discontent build, we risk making ourselves feel worse. “Effective communication is the lifeblood of any relationship, and the antidote to the impact of emotional labour,” Laurele says. But how can we start to do this, if the effects of emotional labour are already being felt?

“Firstly, articulating your feelings honestly and respectfully to your partner, with the view of understanding one another, rather than apportioning blame, can actually deepen the relationship, even if it feels risky at first. Secondly, honouring our feelings enough to articulate them to another is empowering and reminds us that we matter, too.”

Relationship expert and counsellor, Dr Kalanit Ben- Ari explains that while communication is key, how we express ourselves (and our needs) can vary greatly.

“When talking about emotional labour in a relationship, it’s important to note that women and men express and regulate their emotions differently. It’s not that one gender is better than the other, just that we communicate emotions in what can appear to be different languages, and in different areas of life. It is important for couples to learn about their partner’s ‘language’, and to communicate openly and honestly about their own experience. The goal is to move away from blaming and shaming, to collaboration, growth, and possibilities.”

While we may think we are being open and frank with how we are feeling, sometimes our partners can miss the signs – as can we.

“When one partner feels they hold the emotional labour, but do not communicate it in a way the other can really understand and share that responsibility, it can lead to resentment. Having this mindset not only disempowers them but also prevents change from happening.”

The way in which we frame and share our feelings can have a huge impact on how our partners perceive – and react – to them. Dr Ben-Ari suggests that we should share our feelings from our own perspective, focusing on small steps and potential solutions we can work towards together, rather than looking to place the blame.

“For example, rather than saying, ‘I’m exhausted, you never care, I need to take care of everything…’ say ‘I’m exhausted. I feel a lot is going on for me. I would really appreciate it if we can have one dinner this week without the kids to share and plan the next week.’

“Couples are much more aware of what they don’t want, but have little idea about what they do want. When we put the focus on what we are ‘not getting’ this is what’s going to grow. Instead, look at your partner through the eyes of love. Appreciate what they already do, ask for specific and instructed support, and this is what’s going to grow.”

Resentment and discontent can build not only when we feel like we are taking on more than our fair share, but also when one partner feels like they need to be ‘in charge’ of splitting the workload.

It can be easy for one partner to fall into a more ‘organisational’ role, where they feel like they have to be responsible for tracking every little thing from birthdays and bills, to chores. Yet we may not realise that our partners, too, may be feeling there are areas they are shouldering the load.

For example, I found myself growing frustrated that my partner expected me to have a list of chores ready for him each weekend; couldn’t he just as easily figure out what needed doing? It wasn’t until we talked about it, that we realised by having this list, it helped him to feel less overwhelmed and distracted with the sheer number of ‘little things’ that regularly add up.

Splitting everything 50/50 may sound like the ideal way to go, but finding the best way to balance the load can vary greatly, depending on your relationship and needs. By focusing instead on talking and working together to find compromises, you can both be happy with, you can ensure that you each feel happier with your responsibilities. We each have our own strengths and weaknesses; it’s OK to keep these in mind and to work with, not around, these needs.

If you’re worried that the communication in your relationship may have broken down, speaking with a relationship therapist or couples counsellor could help. While a counsellor will not ‘give you the answer’, they can help to create a safe space where you can talk openly and confidentially, without worrying that they will ‘take sides’.

When you have been with someone for a long time, it can be easy for communication to break down without realising it. Speaking with an objective, unconnected third party can help you to gain new insight and perspective into issues that may be clear or more covert.