Happiful Issue 99

DEVOTED TO MENTAL HEALTH & WELLBEING

bloom In full

A mindful moment with ikebana

ISSUE 99 £5.99

Demystifying menopause Newsflash: 5 myths that need to change

EXPERT INSIGHT

Attention on ADHD How to handle a later in life diagnosis

Let them theory The secret to emotional inner peace?

PLUS

MIND GAMES | STORY TIME | LEFT ON READ

Speaking of stigma...

Uncovering the true impact

Lost as we feel, there than compassion Amanda Gorman

24 | Issue 96 | happiful.com

Photography | Ketut Subiyanto

is no better compass

Let it be

As social beings, it’s no wonder that we spend so much time preoccupied by what others think. We can read into every interaction, like being left on read by a friend (p68), and experience extreme dread and anxiety at the thought of not being someone’s cup of tea (p16). Stigma can feed into this harmful cycle, where it fuels shame and disconnect, with our mental wellbeing paying the price (p80).

Then, there’s the self-destructive spiral we can stumble into, where one bad thing happens and our mind plays tricks on us, making us believe it’s a pattern of what’s to come – like dominoes falling, one after the other (p12). And, often, it feels like there’s nothing we can do to stop it.

But, as our expert columnist discusses, sometimes we have to accept what’s within and beyond our control, and practise ‘let them’ theory (p56).

It can be a truly redefining moment when you let go of the weight of other people’s expectations. The freedom that comes from relinquishing the desperate hold on all these impossible standards and demands, can finally give you space to breathe.

Rebecca portrait | Studio Rouge

To just let yourself be.

Letting go isn’t easy. You can’t snap your fingers, and magically undo what society has ingrained in you for years.

But, each day, it can be an active choice, a conscious practice, and one that will get easier with time.

We can only play the cards we’ve been dealt, so it’s critical to see that we don’t need to bluff our way through life, pretending to be something that we’re not.

There’s a difference between ‘fixing’ and healing. You don’t ever have to change yourself to fit into a certain box that anyone else has created – because, pretty soon, that will feel like a prison.

The moment you realise that you don’t owe anyone a certain version of yourself, or that you don’t have to be the one always holding things together, playing along and putting everyone else first just to fit in, is the moment you’ll finally feel free.

So, when the mind games come out – whether your own or someone else’s – remember you don’t have to play your cards close to your chest, and choosing to discard could actually be a game-changing move.

Happy reading,

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges W | happiful.com F | happifulhq X | @happifulhq I | @happiful_magazine

REBECCA THAIR | EDITOR-IN-CHIEF

T | @happiful_magazine

Inspiring insights 12 Domino mindset How to spot this cognitive bias, and stop your mind playing tricks on you

16 Not everyone’s cup of tea

53

Get comfortable with being disliked

23 Wait a minute Find grace by nurturing patience

46 The ripple effect The science behind sharing positive stories

53 Japanese art of ‘ikebana’ A step by step guide to practising this peaceful act of creativity

Relationships 26 What is deepfake abuse?

Exploring the worrying trend of using AI to create explicit imagery

38

Happiful

R EG U LA R S

30 Ask the experts Helpful advice on handling an adult ADHD diagnosis

50 Making things work Support a friend who isn’t in employment at the moment

32 Community corner Meet the group of locals who are making friends and mending

75 Could it be time to try couples therapy?

Food & health 43 Step in the right direction Striking a balance with making the most of fitness trackers

63 Breathe easy Is mouth taping worth the hype?

70 Baked to perfection Please a crowd with this naturally gluten and dairy-free dessert

35 Myths, debunked

43

Common misconceptions about menopause

40 Anxiety on your mind Charlotte opens up about having generalised anxiety disorder

56 Expert column Counsellor Bea Appleby explains how to use ‘let them’ theory

68 Michelle Elman Dealing with the anxiety of being ‘left on read’ by a friend

35

Culture

Try this at home

7 Noteworthy news

15 Check in with a friend

11 The wellbeing wrap

49 Puzzled minds

58 Try something new

74 Examining grief

73 Summer reads

PRINT EXCLUSIVE

27 Positive pointers 20 Table for one

Make a date with yours truly

38 Task paralysis Getting started is the hardest part

78 Furry friendships Adjusting to life with a pet

Wellbeing

16

19 Healing sound frequences 42 Understanding OCD 60 What is money dysmorphia?

66 Get geocaching 80 Shining a light on stigma

23

83 Back to the future From imagining alternative realities, to writing a reverse bucket list, it’s time to get journaling!

* Expert review

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

The digital age we live in dominates most aspects of our lives, so it’s becoming increasingly important to take a step back and pay attention — not just to ourselves, but to the world around us too.

This ability to reconnect and find focus in nature is often overlooked, but by doing so, we open up the beautiful potential for improved wellbeing. Get started by heading to p53 to explore the power of ikebana.

RAV SEKHON BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is an integrative counsellor and psychotherapist specialising in spirituality and working with males.

Happiful Community Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

CLAIRE FITZSIMMONS

TINA CHUMMUN

MA ICF ACC

MSc MUKCP

Claire is a certified emotions coach practitioner, writer, and co-founder of If Lost Start Here.

Tina is an accredited psychotherapist and trauma specialist.

Our team EDITORIAL Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor Fiona Fletcher Reid | Features Editor Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant Kat Nicholls | Brand & Integrity Manager Bonnie Evie Gifford | Content Writer & Editor Bea Appleby, Michelle Elman | Columnists Ellen Lees | Head of Content Keith Howitt | Sub-Editor Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN Charlotte Noel | Design & Commerce Manager

VJ HAMILTON

DR ANEESA SHARIFF

BSc DipION mBANT

BA MEd PhD MHCPC

VJ is an autoimmune disease expert, using evidence-based therapies to support her clients.

Dr Shariff is a dual qualified clinical and counselling psychologist specialising in all forms of anxiety.

Rosan Magar | Illustrator & Videographer

COMMUNICATIONS Alice Greedus | PR Manager Emily Whitton | Content & Multimedia Editor

CONTRIBUTORS

AGA KAPEREK

DR TARA QUINN-CIRILLO

MBACP

AFBPsS CPsychol MHCPC

Aga is an integrative counsellor specialising in neurodivergentaffirming therapy.

Dr Quinn-Cirillo is a practicing psychologist, author, and podcast host.

ALI ROSS

BEA APPLEBY

DProf MUKCP

BSc (Hons) Dip MBACP

Ali is a psychotherapist and the founder of Caya Therapy practice in Peckham.

Bea is a humanistic counsellor, working with adults and couples.

Alex Allan, Maxine Ali, Caroline Butterwick, Rosie Cappuccino, Erica Crompton, Jenna Farmer, Kerry Law, Charlotte Phillips-Lynn, Lydia Smith, Samantha Redgrave Hogg, Katie Scott, Aga Kaperek

SPECIAL THANKS Dal Banwait, Tina Chummun, Dr Andy Cope, Claire Fitzsimmons, Jessica Fossey, VJ Hamilton, Marian Holmes, Rebecca Hitchen, Smriti Joshi, Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo, Ali Ross, Anna Shears, Dr Hazel Parkinson, Emma McCaffrey, Dr Aneesa Shariff, Dr Sarah Schnitker, Eloise Skinner, Tina Wright

MANAGEMENT Amy-Jean Burns | Chief Executive Officer Claire Vince | Chief Operations Officer

SUBSCRIPTIONS For new orders and back orders, visit shop.happiful.com, or call Newsstand on +44 (0)1227 277 248 or email subenquiries@newsstand.co.uk

ALEX ALLAN

TINA WRIGHT

BSc (Hons) NT DipBCNH MBANT CNHC

BSc (Hons) PGDip CBT Accred. BABCP

Alex is a registered nutritional therapist, health coach, and lecturer at the University of Northampton.

Tina is a cognitive behavioural psychotherapist specialising in persistent pain.

CONTACT Happiful, c/o Memiah, Building B, Riverside Way, Camberley, Surrey, GU15 3YL Email us at hello@happiful.com

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The Uplift COMMUNITY

Friendship benches arrive, bringing free mental health support A Zimbabwe-founded initiative that has helped more than half a million people worldwide is coming to the UK, starting in Brighton, Sussex. ‘Friendship benches’, manned by counsellors called ‘grandmothers’ and ‘grandfathers’, will provide a listening ear for those feeling depressed, lonely, or anxious.

Research published in the Journal of the American Medical Association has found that this model resulted in an 80% reduction in suicidal ideation, along with a 60% increase in clients’ quality of life.

Given the current barriers of NHS waiting lists, along with the cost of living crisis impacting some people’s ability to go private, this initiative provides a free alternative to anyone who needs it – but it’s important to note the lay counsellors receive just two weeks of training. So, while taking a seat to chat through problems

can be helpful in the short-term, it’s worth remembering that this is by no means a replacement for long-term or professional mental health support.

Benches will be introduced in indoor areas such as libraries, church halls, and community spaces, with the option for locals to make appointments to talk through their problems, explore

possible solutions, and report back later. The pilot will include 10 lay mental health workers holding weekly sessions for six to eight weeks.

Sometimes, the first step towards finding support can be found through a simple conversation. No one should have to carry their burdens in silence.

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford happiful.com | Issue 99 | 7

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ECO

80% of young consumers wear secondhand amid ethical concerns New research shows that the general public are making moves to address ethical concerns in the fashion industry, with an uptick in opting for pre-loved items. Data from charity retailer Traid shows that 95% of customers note that poor working conditions in garment production was their primary concern, alongside sustainability factors, affordability, and personal style.

However, a generational disparity in attitudes toward preloved fashion has also been uncovered, with more than 80% of consumers aged 18–34 wearing secondhand clothing, compared to just 50% of those aged 55–64. One third of younger consumers buy secondhand clothing on a monthly basis, whereas half of those over the age of 55 have never purchased a secondhand item.

The news comes just months after Greenpeace revealed that the majority of under-12s are worried about climate change, which is an issue significantly impacted by fast fashion. Three out of every five fast fashion garments produced end up in landfill or incinerated, often after as little as seven uses.

For preloved alternatives, digital marketplaces are most popular (50%) with younger shoppers, as are physical charity shops (35%). In contrast, for consumers aged 55–64, bricks-and-mortar secondhand shops reign supreme.

Overall, secondhand clothing shopping has increased from 6% since the previous survey, published in 2019. This rise is a sign that consumers are acting ethically in order to minimise their environmental footprint, with more than a third reporting that buying secondhand clothing is their primary strategy for this, as well as opting for sustainable brands or repairing older garments.

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid happiful.com | Issue 99 | 9

HEALTH

New test detects Alzheimer’s and tracks progression with 92% accuracy A new blood test can not only confirm Alzheimer’s disease, but also provides details about how far the disease has progressed, according to research from Washington University School of Medicine in St Louis and Lund University in Sweden.

The study, published in Nature Medicine, found that levels of a protein (MTBR-tau243) in blood accurately correlated with the severity of Alzheimer’s disease.

When looking at blood levels of a group of people experiencing cognitive decline, the researchers successfully distinguished

between people with early or later-stage Alzheimer’s disease, as well as those with symptoms caused by something else.

While existing blood tests can help to diagnose the disease in people who exhibit cognitive symptoms, prior to this research, they failed to reveal the extent of cognitive decline. Because the most effective treatments require early intervention, this new test could help doctors identify more precisely what care is required, and deliver it in a more timely manner. The test can also provide clarity on whether symptoms are

linked to Alzheimer’s or another underlying condition.

Randall J Bateman, co-senior author of the study, said: “This blood test clearly identifies Alzheimer’s tau tangles, which is our best biomarker measure of Alzheimer’s symptoms and dementia. In clinical practice right now, we don’t have easy or accessible measures of Alzheimer’s tangles and dementia, and so a tangle blood test like this can provide a much better indication if the symptoms are due to Alzheimer’s, and may help doctors decide which treatments are best.”

HEALTH

Prescription charges frozen until 2026 For the first time in three years, the UK government has announced that prescription charges in England will be frozen this year, with a single item locked in at £9.90 until 2026.

Over the past 10 years, charges in England have crept up by £1.85, although they are currently free throughout the rest of the UK. Chancellor of the Exchequer, Rachel Reeves, stated that this move looks to support the government’s plan to build an “NHS fit for the future”, and that “£18 million has been kept in patient’s pockets by freezing prescription charges”.

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In England, around 89% of prescriptions are still free, with age, pregnancy, certain medical conditions, and lower incomes the primary reasons for payment exemptions. Three-month (£32.05) and annual prescriptions prepayment certificates (£114.50) will also be frozen, and these existing exemptions will continue.

However, critics argue that this freeze does little to address the continuing inequalities for those required to pay for medicines, with nearly three million people in England living with long-term conditions such as Parkinson’s disease, cystic fibrosis, and motor

neurone disease not eligible for an exemption.

This freeze represents a small but meaningful step towards addressing healthcare affordability, offering hope that further reforms could be possible.

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

The

wellbeing wrap Making waves

Udderly legen-dairy Europol has shut down one of the largest paedophile platforms in the world, in an international operation against child sexual exploitation

Wales’ Pembrokeshire Coast 200 has been named Europe’s most underrated road trip, according to research by VIXA from the AA

21-year-old Mohamed B has become the youngest licensed black cab driver ever, after passing the Knowledge of London in just two years

After decades, the US National Institute of Health has closed its last laboratory that was experimenting on beagles

Dairy business Müller UK & Ireland, in partnership with food distribution charity FareShare, has donated the equivalent of 4 million meals, reducing waste and providing food to 8,500 charities and groups.

LOGGING OFF Taking a two-week digital detox has notable benefits for mental health, subjective wellbeing, and attention span, that could equate to reversing 10 years of cognitive decline, according to a 2025 study in PNAS Nexus.

Participants downloaded an app that blocked internet access on their phones, while still allowing them to be used for calls and texts, but were able to use the internet via computers. The key difference was removing the 24/7 online access in your pocket, showing that switching off now and then isn’t just a nice idea, but legitimately good for your health.

Architects and marine biologists at Florida International University have created a 3D-printed modular (BIOCAP) tile system to replace traditional seawall defences, which can damage marine habitats. The new product both protects cities from rising sea levels, and supports wildlife. With swirling surface patterns, along with crevices and water pockets, the design aims to mimic the natural shoreline to allow organisms to form homes. The hope is these new tiles will encourage biodiversity, reduce wave energy, and increase water quality (thanks to the creatures there filtering it).

An optic oasis Whether it’s careful composition, or a stunning palette of textures and tones, it turns out there’s more to beautiful garden design than meets the eye. A 2025 study, in Frontiers in Neuroscience, found that well-designed gardens have an immediate calming effect, as our eyes wander in green spaces and this gives them more to observe. Professor Karl Herrup, senior author of the study, noted a correlation between the quick gaze shifts, and a reduction in heart rate and improved mood as people took in the details. So, whether it’s a trip to a botanical garden, or getting greenfingered at home, indulging in vegetation-viewing could do wonders for your stress levels.

Bringing thousands of people together in support of countless great causes, the 2025 London Marathon set a new world record as the biggest annual one-day fundraising event, hitting more than £75 million! Additionally, it broke the Guinness World Record for the largest number of finishers, with 56,640 crossing the finish line.

TOP OF THE SQUATS

Exercise snacking might be the way to go for sedentary lifestyles, after a study in the Scandinavian Journal of Medicine and Science in Sports found that doing 10 bodyweight squats every 45 minutes during prolonged periods of sitting (8.5 hours) was more effective at regulating blood sugar than a 30-minute walk.

Since 2019, Lego’s ‘Replay’ programme has received 1.3 million+ donated bricks, which have been sent out to 500K+ children to enjoy.

Real life DIY SOS Volunteers, organised by charity Band of Builders, built an extension for a disabled man to add a bedroom and bathroom downstairs, after finding out he was forced to sleep in his dining room for three years. Paul Kitterman had an abscess on his spine, which damaged it, meaning he was unable to walk upstairs.

The gesture now means his house can feel like a home, actually suited to his needs.

Three innovative teens from India won the 2025 Earth Prize for their invention of a salt-powered mini fridge, that doesn’t require electricity to keep it cool. The Thermavault earned them a $12,500 prize, which they plan to use to create hundreds of units to send to hospitals in remote areas, hoping it can be useful to help transport vaccines, other supplies, and potentially even transplant organs.

PAST THE HUMP Listening to whale sounds might be relaxing, but they can also inspire positive eco action, according to a study from the University of the Sunshine Coast, Australia. Reviewing people’s responses to watching and hearing humpback whales across three seasons, researchers saw a lasting emotional response, encouraging pro-environmental behaviour from tourists.

Toppling the ‘domino mindset’ When your brain wants you to stay safe, sometimes it plays games with you…

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

I

love nothing more than going to bed on a Friday night knowing that I can allow myself to wake up naturally the next morning. After five consecutive days of rising to the sound of an alarm, it really is one of my favourite parts of the week.

But, every so often, I sleep in later than intended – and when I roll over to see that it’s almost midday, I feel dread creeping in.

My head starts to spiral, and my internal critic labels it a failure because I’ve ‘wasted the day’ – essentially writing it off before it’s even begun.

This is an example of the domino mindset, a form of ‘cognitive bias’ towards negative events. Perhaps you’ve experienced something similar on a day out with friends – you’re having fun, until you accidentally spill some ketchup on your new

12 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

shirt, and from that moment onwards, you’re unable to enjoy yourself. In fact, it seems like things are destined to go wrong after that point – your dessert is disappointing, you say something you instantly regret – like dominos falling one by one.

What exactly is a domino mindset?

Dr Julie Smith states that the ‘domino mindset’ is a term she uses for “a cognitive bias that most clinicians call overgeneralisation”. This means, taking one single event (like when you accidentally sleep late or ruin your favourite shirt) and using it to judge past events or predict the future, drawing conclusions that aren’t always actually justified.

Cognitive bias is a normal filtering process that enables

your brain to prioritise and process large amounts of information quickly. “The brain is like a sponge, soaking up experiences and filing them away as something to learn from to protect us in the future,” explains counselling psychologist Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo. “So, when we face difficult situations in the future, the brain can access a data bank of information that potentially keeps us safe.”

Essentially, humans are naturally wired to look for patterns as a form of survival.

But overgeneralisation, AKA the domino mindset, is a cognitive distortion that doesn’t look for patterns – it creates them.

Connecting the dots You’ve probably observed this kind of behaviour in someone you love. They get a rejection

inspiring insights

The brain is like a sponge, soaking up experiences and filing them away to protect us in the future

email after a job interview, and make the sweeping generalisation: “No one will ever hire me.” Or the friend who is going through another breakup, and insists: “Everyone I love leaves me.”

This is simply a primitive defence mechanism playing out in a modern world, where we treat a non-threatening event as life-threatening. Our brains become so overcome by fear

that we don’t see things as they actually are. “We can’t create any space for perspective, and to consider if the thought relates to a real threat,” explains Dr Quinn-Cirillo. “If we continually respond in this automatic way, we create an ongoing loop of thought-response which can be exhausting, and keeps us stuck in threat mode.”

Although anyone can experience the domino mindset, one

study, published in the journal Biological Psychiatry, observed that those with generalised anxiety disorder are more likely to have a tendency towards overgeneralisation, registering safe encounters as fearful.

If you notice yourself using words like ‘always’ and ‘never’ in a context that isn’t actually true, you may be overgeneralising.

This isn’t necessarily the end of the world, but if you worry that >>> happiful.com | Issue 99 | 13

Dr Tara Quinn-Cirillo is a practising psychologist, author, and podcast host. Connect with her on the Counselling Directory.

you have a negative outlook on life, then this could be the sign you have been waiting for to make some changes to the way you think.

This doesn’t mean trying to erase these thoughts or shoving them down, instead, it’s about recognising that the thoughts you have (about ‘never’ getting hired, or ‘always’ being rejected) are just that – thoughts. “We often automatically believe that what we think is fundamentally true,” says Dr Quinn-Cirillo. “It can be a liberating concept to know that thoughts aren’t facts.”

Addressing the domino mindset Identifying the thoughts that could potentially trigger a collapse of all your dominos is the first step, as this gives you an opportunity to think clearly about how to respond, instead of reacting out of fear.

“Strategies like talking our thoughts out aloud when they happen can help us realise that we are simply having a thought, and this helps create some distance from it. It also allows us time to think about whether we need to respond,” Dr Quinn-Cirillo says.

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So, the next time you stub your toe, or your work nemesis talks over you in a meeting, remembering to take a second to pause can make a world of difference. “Taking a slow, simple breath in through the nose, and out through our mouth, can help ground us in the here and now, when our brain is busy predicting possible threats and future outcomes, or trawling for evidence in our past experiences,” says Dr Quinn-Cirillo. “This can help regulate our physiological response to negative thinking, and our emotional response, too. Allowing for better, more considered action, rather than anxiety or fear-based responding.”

During this brief pause, the trick is to practise investigating your thoughts a little deeper. “Take a moment to think: is there any evidence for this thought? If you were in court, what evidence (if any) would be presented to support it?” suggests Dr QuinnCirillo. This exercise of looking objectively at your thoughts can flag any biases that you may have. For example, do you often catastrophise or compare your

situation to others? Are you prone to ‘black and white’ thinking?

Instead of choosing to believe that the day is ruined because you have ketchup on your shirt, is there a thought that can support a more neutral response?

It’s important to note that although you may be aware of your domino mindset, it can be difficult to disengage from the thought patterns, because they are so deeply ingrained, based on how our experiences of adversity in childhood, adolescence, and beyond have shaped our personal beliefs. Give yourself grace, be patient, and, if you need support, reach out to a trained therapist or counsellor for guidance.

If you find yourself able to spot the thoughts, but can’t quite shift your mindset in the moment, make a note of the thought and come back to it later. “Write the problematic thought down on paper with an actual pen,” says Dr Quinn-Cirillo. “This can often look and feel very different to when it is in our heads.”

Going forward, it might just be that you can spot the tricks your mind is playing on you before the next domino falls.

Mental health check-in: questions to ask a friend Explore these 10 simple conversation starters to support a friend’s mental wellbeing • How are you feeling today, really?

• Is there anything that’s been playing on your mind?

• Do you want to talk anything through?

• How do you think these things have been impacting you in your day-today life?

• How have you been sleeping lately?

• Do you think you’ve been taking care of yourself?

• Is there anything that might help you feel better, emotionally or physically?

• Would professional support help you? I’m happy to look into options, or come along for moral support.

• Have you got anything coming up you’re looking forward to?

• Can I check-in with you again?

Top tips: • Try to keep questions open, letting your friend decide what or how much they want to share.

• Use neutral language. This ensures the conversation feels non-judgemental, and that they can be honest with you.

• Allow them to speak freely, minimising how much you interject.

Simple responses or body language can let them know you’re listening, without having to interrupt.

• Don’t pressure them, if they’re not ready to open up yet that’s OK. By checking in, you’re letting them know you’re a safe person to turn to.

• Follow through, whether that’s providing support or touching base again. This reassures them that they can trust you when they’re feeling their most vulnerable.

How to handle the fear of being disliked Finding out that someone doesn’t like you can feel crippling, but accepting that you won’t always get along with everyone can be truly liberating Writing | Lydia Smith

B

eing disliked is an unavoidable part of life, but this doesn’t make it any easier. As highly sociable creatures, social approval is embedded in our DNA – so for many of us, there’s little more unsettling than suspecting, or finding out, that someone dislikes you.

However, we often have to spend time with people who are different from us, with diverse experiences and perspectives, which can create friction.

Whether it’s a colleague, friend of a friend, or a parent at the school gate, personalities can clash.

Although being disliked can feel upsetting, you can find value in it. Accepting that you won’t be everyone’s cup of tea can be empowering – especially when you learn to like yourself unconditionally.

Why being disliked is unpleasant

“The fear of being disliked is a common, and often crippling, 16 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

experience that many individuals face,” says psychotherapist Tina Chummun. “It’s often rooted in a need for belonging, and the perception of social rejection can trigger a powerful emotional response, leading to anxiety, shame, and low self-esteem.”

From an evolutionary perspective, worrying about being disliked actually makes sense. Our ancestors needed to live in groups to find food, mates, and fend off predators, so being ostracised may well have been fatal.

Although the world has evolved, the same neural pathways in the brain are triggered when we perceive that someone dislikes us, which is why even casual interactions can feel loaded with potential judgement. Of course, though, being disliked can sometimes have painful, real implications, like being excluded from a friendship group.

“The fear of being disliked activates the brain’s limbic

system, which plays a key role in detecting threats and generating emotional responses,” says Tina. “When we perceive rejection, the amygdala triggers the fight-or-flight response.

This leads to increased heart rate, rapid breathing, and heightened alertness, which are characteristic of anxiety.”

How we feel about ourselves and our experiences, like being bullied, can also affect how sensitive we are to perceived rejection. “If someone has a fragile sense of their worth, not being liked can serve as confirmation of this,” says Ali Ross, a psychotherapist and spokesperson for the UK Council for Psychotherapy.

And societal expectations – where likability is often tied to success and self-worth – also play a role. “Social media can exacerbate this by providing constant feedback in the form of likes and shares,” adds Tina.

“When such validation is absent, the rejection feels magnified.”

Why being disliked can be powerful

Nobody enjoys being disliked, but it’s possible to accept it. And when you do, it can be incredibly freeing. “It’s natural – our unique traits will connect with some people and not others,” says Tina. “Accepting this means you stop wasting energy trying to be someone you’re not, and instead focus on what matters to you.”

Recognising that you can’t get along with everyone also helps you form more genuine relationships. “When you embrace who you are, you attract people who value the real you, not a version you’re curating,” Tina explains. “Facing the discomfort of being disliked strengthens your emotional resilience, and builds confidence in your ability to handle interpersonal challenges.”

When we’re preoccupied with being disliked, it can make us behave in ways that don’t match our values – yet behaving in line with these is key to healthy wellbeing. Tina recalls a client who avoided sharing their opinions at work for fear of being unlikable. “They realised that being assertive not only earned respect, but also revealed who their true allies were,” she says.

Ali Ross points out that liking and disliking others can also have a broader societal impact. “If someone acts misogynistically, my dislike of their behaviour can contribute to the regulating power of society,” he says. “The fact that I can like or dislike someone means that when I do like someone, this is an affirmative societal act that carries power.” >>> happiful.com | Issue 99 | 17

Think about whether you have ever disliked someone

At some point, you’ve probably taken a dislike to someone, and might be able to pinpoint some superficial reasons why, such as an off-hand comment that stuck with you. If someone else dislikes you, it might be for similarly minor reasons – and is likely not a reflection on you.

Focus on your values to let go of external approval

How to manage the fear of being disliked

First, it’s important to acknowledge and validate your own feelings. “Recognising that the fear of being disliked is a common and understandable response to the threat of social rejection can help to reduce the sense of shame that can accompany it,” says Tina.

more realistic way. Ask yourself what is the worst thing that could happen if someone dislikes you – more likely than not, you’ll realise the fear is disproportionate to reality.

“Remind yourself that others’ opinions are shaped by their own experiences, biases, and insecurities. It’s not always about you,” adds Tina.

Reframe internal beliefs

Build your network

Often, the fear of being disliked stems from our own insecurities, like the fear of not being good enough. Speaking to a therapist can help you understand where these beliefs come from, and dismantle them.

It can also help to reframe ‘all-or-nothing’ thinking in a 18 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

“What also helps is coupling consistent acts of self-care and finding people in your life who you feel understood, recognised, celebrated, and loved by,” says Ali. Instead of ruminating on who might not like you and why, focus on building healthy, supportive relationships with others.

Consider this scenario: you’ve been struggling with painful periods for years, and are pushing for your doctor to explore the cause. They may see you as a nuisance – but you believe women’s pain should be taken seriously. “Instead of seeing being disliked as a failure, view it as a sign of authenticity and alignment with your values,” says Tina.

Ultimately, overcoming the fear of being disliked starts with liking yourself. “When you nurture self-acceptance, others’ opinions lose their power to dictate your emotional state,” explains Tina.

“With practice, you can embrace the freedom of being your authentic self.”

Ali Ross is a psychotherapist and the founder of Caya Therapy practice in Peckham.

Tina Chummun is a psychotherapist and trauma specialist.

Connect via the Counselling Directory.

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A spectrum of sound Magnifying the benefits of five types of sound, and how they can help you Writing | Rebecca Thair

White noise

Sounds like: static on an FM radio, a vacuum cleaner, an air conditioning fan This is the most well-known type, considered ‘background’ noise.

It’s essentially a combination of all sound frequencies (20–20,000 hertz), believed to help improve sleep and focus. A 2022 study, in Nature, highlighted how white noise could improve cognitive performance, with 45 decibels resulting in “sustained attention, accuracy, and speed of performance, as well as enhanced creativity and lower stress levels” – though, notably, increasing to 65 dB did result in higher stress levels, so consider the volume, i.e. tone it down.

Additionally, a study into the effects of white noise on children with ADHD in Complementary Therapies in Medicine in 2019 reported that it was beneficial, specifically addressing speech recognition, along with reading and writing speed.

Brown noise

Sounds like: the low rumble of thunder, rapids, crashing waves Predominantly used to reduce stress and anxiety, this is a deeper, more bass-led sound.

Anecdotally, it’s been reported to help with ADHD symptoms

(though research is limited), but studies, including one in the International Tinnitus Journal, have noted that brown noise may actually help with symptoms of tinnitus.

Green noise

Sounds like: the murmur of a crowd, insects humming, a breeze rustling through leaves Able to support sleep and relaxation, this mid-range sound (typically around 500 hertz) is more natural-sounding than white noise as it eliminates those higher, ‘hissing’ frequencies, which some people then find more calming. Studies into green noise are more limited, but one from 2019 in Frontiers in Psychology did note that sounds of nature enhanced focus in university students.

Pink noise

Sounds like: rainfall, waves on a beach, heartbeats There is a steady repetitiveness to this sound, associated with relaxation, which, in turn, can improve your sleep quality. Also known as ‘ambient noise’, while it features all audible frequencies, the higher octaves decrease in power which gives it a lower pitch. Most people associate it with nature, and find that it can

help to tune-out other sounds (e.g. traffic noise while trying to sleep).

Numerous studies attest to its sleep benefits, with 2020 research, in the Journal of Theoretical Biology, noting that pink noise not only helped participants fall asleep faster, but they reached deep sleep quicker, too.

Blue noise

Sounds like: hissing, a mosquito buzzing Increasing in decibels with each octave, essentially it is louder at higher frequencies so a sharper, more high-pitched, and consistent sound, blue noise can be characterised by the sound of steam escaping from a kettle, or the hiss of a spray can. It’s less used than other sound colours, however it is reportedly helpful at masking sudden noises (such as a slamming door), which can help you rest more soundly, especially in early, lighter stages of sleep. happiful.com | Issue 99 | 19

‘Masterdating’

How to plan the perfect solo date Dating isn’t just for couples – make a date with yourself, and rediscover who you are Writing | Kerry Law

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longside work, chores, family commitments, and socialising, how many of us prioritise time alone?

Introverts may crave it, but feel guilty for neglecting their responsibilities, while extroverts might view a solo outing as a sign of social failure. But, according to research, spending time by ourselves now and again is essential for our own wellbeing; a 2023 study, by the University of Reading, found that periods of voluntary solitude (being alone by choice) resulted in reduced stress, and a greater sense of freedom.

In the same way that couples date to enjoy each other’s company and deepen their bond, ‘dating’ yourself is all about indulging in your own interests, without compromise, in order to reconnect with your true self.

Here’s how to plan the perfect time alone, whatever your needs and personality.

Place value on solo time

Don’t view a solo date as a luxury – treat it with the same importance you would any other appointment. “In a culture 20 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

that praises productivity, it’s important to restore ideas around both play and rest,” says Claire Fitzsimmons, a certified emotions coach practitioner.

“A solo date might be something fun and engaging, or it could be oriented towards peace and calm – both have their place, but are often pushed aside by the need to ‘do’, rather than be or feel. Time alone reminds us to nurture the aspects of life that feel good, rather than waiting until a holiday in order to finally pay attention to ourselves.”

So, go ahead and schedule a date in your diary. Sticking to those time boundaries helps you place value on the event, plus, you can revel in anticipation of your upcoming solo treat.

Drop the guilt

It’s common to feel selfish, and subsequently guilty, for prioritising time alone when you have other responsibilities, but it can make you more effective at work and a better parent.

“Reframing solo dates as healthy and restorative, something that gives back to you and those you

care for – such as being a calmer, happier parent – is a form of selfpermission,” explains Claire.

“Parents often hide ‘me time’ away apologetically, but I recommend getting your kids involved by creating a list of activities together, then feedback on how it made you feel afterwards.

When others see how you care for yourself, they’ll learn the value of caring for themselves, too.”

Overcome boredom, embarrassment, or FOMO

Psychotherapist and author Eloise Skinner says that while some people might feel a welcome sense of peace and self-connection on a solo date, others may experience negative emotions – particularly if the date involves an activity that is typically done with others, such as attending a gig or dining out. “Nerves could be a big one for many, even embarrassment or feeling self-conscious,” she says.

“Some people may experience boredom or FOMO, and check their phone to get a sense of connection to others.

“The most important thing is to be aware of these emotions, and

Claire portrait | Amy Thompson Photography

BREW

reflect on why they might be arising. For example, do you feel nervous because you think people are judging you? Challenge that assumption, and question whether it’s based in reality. Then replace it with a more helpful thought pattern, such as ‘People aren’t judging me, they’re thinking about their own experience.’”

Match date activities to your mood

There’s no one else to please but yourself, but what should you do on your date? Eloise suggests your extrovert or introvert tendencies are your guide: “For an extrovert,

a good solo date might incorporate solo time within a group setting, such as a fitness class or art workshop. The presence of others allows social needs to be met, while also providing space and time for personal reflection.

For an introvert, a solo date could involve their favourite activities without the need for interaction, such as a long walk or run to a new coffee shop.”

Claire recommends responding to your current mood. “Create your solo date around the feeling you want to invite in. If you’ve been feeling a bit flat, do you want to seek out wonder? If you’re feeling anxious, is there something calm to do?

“Default date ideas might be a movie or meal alone, but if you need more awe in your life, perhaps a visit to a museum is more rewarding. Get creative and shift away from what you feel pressured to do, to what you’re curious about. The fun thing about solo dating is that you don’t need to sell an idea to someone else – it’s entirely about what you need in your life at that moment.”

Claire Fitzsimmons is an emotions coaching practitioner, with a certificate in counseling and psychotherapy.

Connect via the Life Coach Directory.

happiful.com | Issue 99 | 21

to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom Anaïs Nin

22 | Issue 99 25 96 | happiful.com

Photography | Nguyễn Thị Minh Nghi

And the day came when the risk

inspiring insights

WHY THERE IS GRACE IN PATIENCE Modern society’s desire for instant gratification has made waiting for anything decidedly unfashionable. But learning to be more patient can help you flourish, even in the face of adversity Writing | Katie Scott

T

he speed at which we live life now brings with it impatience. If a video won’t load on Instagram, we scroll on. If a queue is too long, we’ll huff and puff. If a task means grafting for months instead of days, we might find it hard not to seek out easier and more achievable goals instead.

Margaret Whipp, a hospital chaplain, has written her book, The Grace of Waiting, from the specific stance of someone who often sits with patients as they wait for a prognosis, or for the next medical intervention.

She says: “People tell me every day how much they hate waiting. They have tried to be patient. They have struggled to accept not knowing how long they may be kept waiting. They have done their best to embrace not being in control of the outcome of their waiting. But still, as their waiting drags on,

they find it hard to be graceful about it.”

Their impatience is no doubt driven by anxiety. They are in a situation where the outcome is out of their control. Patience is a huge ask in this situation, and one many people may be all too familiar with.

What Margaret calls the “sheer grace of waiting” is harder to call upon when you are frightened.

But she also writes about how the virtue of patience is now “unfashionable”, saying: “Culture teaches us that waiting is unnecessary… and those who cause it are inefficient, incompetent, and blameworthy.”

A 2020 Ohio University study, published in the Journal of Experimental Psychology, confirmed just this: people will choose time over reward – and the value of a reward decreases the longer you have to wait for it. The study asked participants to choose

between smaller coins that they could receive immediately, and large coins that they had to wait seconds for. Dr Claudia González Vallejo, one of the study authors, said that the results were the complete opposite of what the scientists expected.

“We found that in both situations, people did make the trade-off between time and money. It wasn’t that they would just go for a few more cents every time, because the amounts of time were too small to even think about. So, delays matter – even seconds matter to people,” she said. “In general, people are just very impatient.”

So, are we just hard-wired towards impatience? Dr Sarah Schnitker is a professor of psychology and neuroscience at Baylor University, Texas.

She explains that our ability to be patient is both genetic and environmental. >>> happiful.com | Issue 99 | 23

PAT I E N C E I S W O R T H C U LT I VAT I N G , NOT LEAST BECAUSE IT WILL MAKE US SLOW DOWN AND APPRECIATE EVERYTHING MORE

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Dr Aneesa Shariff is a dual qualified clinical and counselling psychologist, specialising in all forms of anxiety. Find her on the Counselling Directory.

inspiring insights

“When we are very young, we have fewer life experiences. The ability to be patient at that young age does reveal some genetic component, but nurture, or the environmental component, does also come into play. By the time we get to adolescence or adulthood, it’s going to be really hard to isolate nature versus nurture; instead, we can think about the interactions between the two.”

She adds that there isn’t behavioural genetic data on patience, specifically. What she and her team do have is research on brief interventions to cultivate patience, which shows that patience can grow with intentional practice.

“This would suggest that patience is still malleable. It is not something that’s just set by the time you reach adolescence or adulthood; instead, it is something that experience can shape,” she explains. “It’s both who you are, and how much you have practiced the skills of patience to build habits that support waiting and suffering well.”

This practice can be a result of some adversity in our lives. Dr Schnitker points to the research on post-traumatic growth, for instance, and the effects of different struggles and traumas.

She says: “What you find is a U-shaped curve. Not having any adversity in adolescence and adulthood can actually lead to a lack of character development. But too much is really problematic, because it

becomes so overwhelming that you can’t learn and grow from it.” She says that there is “a kind of sweet spot” in terms of the amount of adversity that will help grow patience.

But there is also a tipping point where being too patient can become detrimental. We are all working towards certain goals, and are making choices each day as to whether we wait, keep pushing on, or whether we change our target.

Dr Schnitker explains: “Part of patience is being able to stay regulated, so that you can actually make choices well.” But there is a caveat. “I’ve argued in some of my papers, with good data, that if patience is the only character strength, that’s actually going to be a problem,” she adds. When justice is involved, for example, patience as the only trait could lead to you waiting too long before you speak up. If you have courage as well, this will prompt you to act.

Patience is worth cultivating, not least because it will make us slow down and appreciate everything more. It is also one of our more powerful tools in times of adversity. However, it is one strength among many that we can call upon and nurture. There are times when everyone’s patience is pushed beyond acceptability – and in those moments, other traits come into their own.

As Dr Schnitker states: “We have data showing that it is patience alongside other capacities, like courage, that really promotes flourishing and wisdom.”

How to be more patient Dr Aneesa Shariff, a clinical psychologist in private practice, shares some valuable advice: Do one thing at a time. In today’s ‘urgency culture’, we are used to multitasking and having lots of distractions that tend to divert us from being able to focus on one thing for a prolonged period. Try slowing things down and doing one thing at a time, turning off alerts, notifications, or any other distractions you are likely to have to help you maintain your focus.

Use your five senses to ground yourself in the moment. The busyness of daily life means we often do things on autopilot.

Whether you’re washing dishes, eating a family meal together, or being fully engaged in a conversation, try focusing your attention on what you can hear, see, feel, smell, or taste in the moment to help yourself stay present.

Tap into self-compassion.

It can be disappointing and stressful to wait for things to materialise that are out of your control. Try to identify and label the emotion you’re feeling, and offer yourself some selfcompassion by acknowledging how difficult things feel right now. Offer yourself the same support you would give to a friend or a loved one.

happiful.com | Issue 99 | 25

I NGG DDEECCOONNSST TRRUUCCT TI N D E E P F A K E A B U S E DEEPFAKE ABUSE How artificial intelligence is fuelling a disturbing new surge in violence against women and girls Writing | Maxine Ali

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eepfake abuse – the creation and dissemination of nonconsensual sexually explicit media using artificial intelligence (AI) technologies – is on the rise. The advanced AI tools enable perpetrators to produce hyper-realistic images of a sexual or intimate nature by imposing the face of one person on to the body of another, making victims appear to say and do things without their knowledge or consent.

The widespread availability and accessibility of AI has fuelled an unprecedented surge in sexually explicit synthetic media. Between 2019 and 2023, the volume of pornographic deepfakes online grew by 1,780%, with views increasing by 3,042% in that time. This phenomenon is overwhelmingly gendered, with 99% of pornographic deepfakes targeting girls and women.

The rise of abusive synthetic media reflects a broader epidemic of technologyfacilitated gender-based violence.

As Rebecca Hitchen, head

26 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

of policy & campaigns at the End Violence Against Women Coalition (EVAW), tells me, these technologies foster environments that are conducive to harm, reinforcing and exacerbating patterns of abuse that exist in ‘offline’ contexts.

“Technology and the internet are not ‘neutral’,” she says. “In an attention economy, tech companies know that more polarising content can generate more views, and therefore more data and, ultimately, greater profits. This means that algorithms drive particular types of content to young men and boys, influencing their views and actions.”

Algorithmic ‘radicalisation’ – reflecting how platform architectures fuel and amplify extremist ideologies – presents a growing and urgent threat.

A 2024 study of algorithmic recommendations on TikTok and YouTube Shorts, from the Dublin City University, found that, on average, platforms promote toxic content featuring male supremacist and anti-

feminist beliefs within the first 23–26 minutes of use. After just two to three hours of viewing, this content makes up the vast majority (between 76–78%) of recommended material. This content is actively shaping the attitudes of young people, with a 2025 King’s College London survey revealing that 57% of gen Z men think that women’s equality has gone “too far”.

AI generated sexually explicit images are intended to humiliate and demean women and girls.

As Rebecca explains, they follow a pattern of coercive control underpinned by male power and entitlement, serving to keep women ‘in their place’ and restrict their freedom of expression.

Deepfake abuse is a profound violation of survivors’ privacy and autonomy, with devastating consequences for those targeted. According to a 2024 analysis by campaign group #MyImageMyChoice, survivors – who often do not know who the perpetrator is – experience a severe erosion of trust in those >>>

relationships

THE UPSURGE IN ABUSIVE DEEPFAKES GOES HAND IN HAND WITH AN ONLINE CLIMATE WHERE MISOGYNY IS INCREASINGLY NORMALISED

happiful.com | Issue 99 | 27

around them. This distrust can be hugely isolating, causing them to withdraw from social life, and leave school or their careers due to fears of further abuse and victimisation.

Despite the known prevalence and impact of image-based abuse, incidents have received little media attention. This reflects how girls’ and women’s safety continues to be deprioritised – a systemic oversight that abusers rely upon and exploit.

D E E P FA K E S IN A L A N D S C A PE OF I N T E R N E T M IS OGYNY The upsurge in abusive deepfakes goes hand in hand with an online climate where misogyny is increasingly normalised, reflected in the expansion and mainstreaming of the ‘manosphere’ – an ecosystem of internet communities united by expressions of hostile sexism and toxic masculinity.

In this climate, deepfake abuse has become a lucrative business, reflected in the recent explosion of easy-to-use ‘nudify’ apps and websites that use AI to undress photos of women. An analysis

by WIRED magazine showed many of these apps use single sign-in systems powered by tech companies such as Google, Apple, and Discord, providing more convenient routes to the creation and distribution of nonconsensual intimate images.

This is just one of many examples of how tech giants are propping up abusive 28 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

activities. According to #MyImageMyChoice, Google drives 68% of traffic to the top 40 websites dedicated to deepfake abuse. Research by Graphika also found a 2,000% increase in links to deepfake websites on platforms such as Reddit and X in 2023. Now, with X owner Elon Musk recently sharing a sexist theory about ‘high status males’, and rollbacks on fact-checking and content moderation on Meta, platforms are sending a clear message that girls’ and women’s safety does not matter.

A YouGov poll carried out on behalf of EVAW in February found that 52% of people believe the internet has become more dangerous for women and girls in the past 12 months, a figure that rises to 58% when polling women. This reality is reflected in skyrocketing cases of technology-facilitated abuse and harassment, with 77% of girls and young women aged seven to 21 having experienced online harm in the last year – a 100% increase since 2021.

While women in the public eye are targeted on a massive scale, ordinary women are also vulnerable, and often have fewer resources and support available when seeking justice.

W HAT P ROTECTIONS EXIS T FOR S URV IVORS OF DEEPFA KE A BU SE? Alongside survivorled campaigning group #NotYourPorn, Professor Clare

McGlynn, a legal expert at Durham University, survivor/ campaigner Jodie*, and Glamour UK, EVAW are campaigning for an image-based abuse law to address non-consensual sexually explicit deepfakes.

The campaign achieved a significant boost in January this year when the UK government announced its plans to criminalise the creation of nonconsensual sexually explicit deepfakes. The coalition also welcomed a government U-turn to make the offence consentbased, rather than requiring proof of malicious intent.

“Consent is the only relevant factor in sexual offending,” Rebecca Hitchen tells me.

“Requiring evidence of intent puts an unreasonable burden on survivors to prove motive, and provides a loophole for those who claim they did not mean to cause harm with their actions.”

The coalition is now calling for the government to create civil routes to justice, allowing survivors to be able to obtain a court order requiring the removal of images from a platform or perpetrator’s device moving forward.

In addition, the group wants to see platforms held accountable for hosting and profiting from image-based abuse through stronger regulation of tech companies, and the appointment of an online commissioner to advocate for survivors’ interests.

relationships

WHERE CAN I FIND HELP? If you, or someone you know, have been a target of deepfake abuse, help is available.

Revenge Porn Helpline (revengepornhelpline.org.uk) is a free service that assists survivors in getting non-consensual images removed from platforms. It also offers advice for reporting crimes and accessing legal advice.

If the images shared include someone under the age of 18, Take It Down (takeitdown.ncmec. org) offers support and resources to help protect young people from further harm.

For broader support, Refuge Tech Safety (refugetechsafety.org) provides guidance and resources on digital security and protecting yourself online.

*Name changed to protect survivor’s identity Maxine Ali is a writer and researcher in linguistics at Kingʼs College London. Her work explores the relationship between language, health, and technology. happiful.com | Issue 99 | 29

Ask the experts

Can counselling help me navigate a late ADHD diagnosis?

Diagnosed with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) in later life? Integrative counsellor Aga Kaperek explores the support available Read more about Aga on Counselling Directory.

Q What are some key signs of ADHD in adults?

A

ADHD in adults doesn’t always look the way people expect. It’s often hidden behind high-functioning masks, or years of coping strategies. Common signs include chronic overwhelm, time blindness, difficulty starting or finishing tasks, emotional intensity, and forgetfulness that disrupts

everyday life. It can feel like you’re always running late, physically or mentally, never quite catching up.

You might interrupt, fidget, or say the ‘wrong’ thing, then lie awake replaying it all.

Many adults carry a deep sense of shame or self-doubt, shaped by years of being misunderstood.

ADHD can also show up as perfectionism, people-pleasing, or anxiety. Especially for women

and gender-diverse people, symptoms were often previously missed or written off. Instead of being supported, many were told they were lazy, hormonal, or just needed to try harder.

Recognising these patterns isn’t about pathologising your past – it’s about making sense of it, and beginning to relate to yourself with more understanding, and less blame.

energy wasted on masking, blaming yourself, or trying to be someone you weren’t.

There’s relief, too – things finally make sense – but it’s layered with anger, regret, and ‘what if’ questions: ‘What if I’d been seen sooner? What if I’d known it wasn’t my fault?’

This kind of grief isn’t about losing a person, but losing time, opportunities, and self-

trust. And because it’s hard to name, it often goes unspoken.

A diagnosis doesn’t fix everything, but it gives language to something you’ve always felt. Therapy can be a space to sit with that complexity – to feel it all without rushing to fix it.

Grief isn’t indulgent. It’s part of understanding yourself in a new, more compassionate way.

Q

Is it common to feel a mix of emotions after being diagnosed with ADHD later in life?

A

Yes, and often the strongest emotion is one people don’t expect: grief. Not the loud, dramatic kind, but a quiet, persistent sadness for all the years spent not knowing.

The missed support. The

Counselling Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

What are your top tips for navigating daily life as an adult with ADHD?

Q

In what ways can counselling support someone adjusting to a late ADHD diagnosis?

A

Counselling offers space to sit with the complexity of late diagnosis – the grief, the relief, the anger, and the questions that won’t settle. It’s a place where you don’t have to mask or perform. Therapy can help name and process the pain of being misunderstood for so long, whether by teachers, employers, family, or even

yourself. It also gives you a chance to explore identity without the weight of ‘shoulds’.

Many clients find themselves rethinking their whole life story through this new lens. Patterns that once seemed like failures start to make sense. The goal isn’t to change who you are – it’s to understand how your brain works, and how to support it with less shame. A good therapist won’t expect you to be tidy, organised, or consistent. They’ll meet you where you are, and walk with you from there, at your own pace, without judgement.

There’s no perfect system, and that’s OK. But here are a few things that can help: • Use external tools. Lists, alarms, reminders – whatever works for you. It’s not cheating. It’s support.

• Chunk tasks into smaller parts.

‘Open the email’ is sometimes all you need to start.

• Respect your energy. Learn when your focus flows best, and when rest is non-negotiable.

• Work with (not against) your brain. If you need movement, music, or novelty, lean into it.

• Give yourself grace. You’re not lazy or broken. You’ve probably worked twice as hard as others just to stay afloat.

There’s a lot of noise out there – planners, productivity hacks, endless advice. Take what helps and leave the rest. The most important thing is building a life that fits you, not forcing yourself to fit a life that doesn’t. happiful.com | Issue 99 | 31

Friends who mend

With community initiatives in the spotlight, we uncover one town’s incredible ‘share and repair’ project…

Writing | Caroline Butterwick

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n a bustling community hall, a volunteer sits at a sewing machine, mending someone’s much-loved dress, while at another table, household tools are fixed.

This is the Share and Repair Cafe, run by Transition Crich, in the village of Crich in Derbyshire.

This wholesome endeavour began five years ago, when an advert in the local magazine asked if anyone was interested in coming together as residents to make their village become more sustainable and environmentally friendly.

Once Transition Crich was set up, it joined the international Transition Network (transitionnetwork.org) made up of groups that emphasise local, community-led actions.

Today, one of Transition Crich’s key activities is the Share and Repair Cafe, held quarterly in the village community centre. “We started off with just one room.

We’ve now grown to using the whole space,” says committee member Linda. “We’ve grown from just repairing items to having craft activities, a cafe area, and stalls from local groups.”

Crucially, the group doesn’t charge for its services. “You don’t have to pay for your repairs,” says Linda. “People can come to the cafe and have the food and drinks for free if they want – we

32 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

just suggest making a donation, because otherwise we wouldn’t be able to cover our costs.”

Alan volunteers at the Share and Repair Cafe as part of the sharpening service, helping give new life to everything from kitchen knives to garden tools.

“The wonderful community here in Crich have been, and continue to be, an amazing support to my wife and I since we moved here in 2017, following my diagnosis with terminal prostate cancer,” he says.

“Getting involved with every aspect of village and community life has helped foster a tremendously strong positive mindset, and helped extend my time on the planet. Giving something back is the least I can do.”

Clare volunteers alongside her husband, Steve. “I’m very worried about the climate emergency, and know that huge quantities of clothes are thrown away, unnecessarily,” Clare explains. “I have skills to offer to help people keep stuff out of landfill, and also to save money.”

She’s part of the sewing team, using machines and handsewing to mend clothes, bags, toys, soft furnishings – anything made of fabric. “We share our skills and encourage people to mend things themselves, with our support.

Many people are anxious about sewing, or don’t have resources, but we supply fabric to practise on or patch things with, as well as pins, needles, and thread. We also offer advice on where else they could go, or how to recycle it. If they do have to throw something away, at least they know they’ve done their best.”

Unsurprisingly, it’s become a very popular community event.

“I enjoy the inspirational stalls on themes such as wildlife, recycling, and crafts,” says regular attendee, Dawn. “I also enjoy the book and seed swaps, and, of course, the delicious homemade refreshments! There’s always a friendly welcome, and it’s great to feel part of this caring community of like-minded people.”

It’s not just the warm welcome that brings her to the cafe, though.

“As a childminder, I often have broken toys, and I go to get them fixed,” adds Dawn. “For a voluntary donation, these toys now have a new lease of life, have been saved from landfill, and are being played with once more.”

Although the UK has an aboveaverage plastic recycle rate (~45%) when compared with the rest of the world (9%, according to the OECD), the majority of plastic is still burned, landfilled, or littered.

COMMUNITY CORNER Find out more about Transition Crich at transitioncrich.co.uk

Fast fashion is another major issue; according to businesswaste.co.uk, the world produces 92 million tonnes of textile waste every year.

Mending items like broken toys or torn clothing can help reduce this, while also enabling residents to save money.

This commitment to action is evident in other projects Transition Crich facilitates. Clare Limb is a neighbourhood creative agent, linked to its local ‘Creative People and Places’ programme, which uses creative activities to engage with environmental issues.

A photography competition encourages people to take photos while being mindful of nature. It also works with a junior school on environmental awareness projects, organises bimonthly litter picking sessions, and community gardening projects.

A sustainable fashion show is coming up, too. “People will write pledges on to pieces of fabric, and they’ll be pinned on to a dress that will be modelled, showing what people are pledging as personal actions to counter fast fashion,” explains Clare. The event will also include a clothes and pattern swap.

Whether a volunteer or event attendee, the community benefits greatly from being involved with Transition Crich – and it’s more than anecdotal. The Office for National Statistics revealed that 7.2% of UK adults “often or always” felt lonely in 2021. With studies, including research in PLOS Medicine, showing that isolation and loneliness are linked to depression, anxiety, declining mobility, and high blood pressure.

Conversely, a 2023 study, in Family Medicine and Community

Health, found an individual’s sense of community was directly associated with reduced symptoms of depression, anxiety, and stress, with the Mental Health Foundation’s 2022 report noting people coming together over a shared interest can tackle loneliness and increase feelings of belonging.

As we all know, loneliness isn’t reserved for one particular group of society. And the truly wonderful thing about initiatives like Transition Crich is that they often bring together people of different ages, creating intergenerational connections that can otherwise be hard to forge. Clare notes that it also has an inclusion policy to help make activities accessible and welcoming to all.

“I’ve been passionate about the environment, and I just didn’t know what to do with it. Then I found this group, and it’s brought me that sense of belonging with other people that really care,” says Clare. From helping the planet to providing meaningful connections, Transition Crich has become an integral part of the community. happiful.com | Issue 99 | 33

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happiful regulars

5 myths about menopause, debunked Menopause might be talked about more these days, but that doesn’t mean we’re always getting it right. From ‘being too young’ for it to being dismissed as ‘just’ hot flushes, we’re chatting to the experts to separate fact from fiction Writing | Jenna Farmer

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round 13 million people are currently going through menopause or perimenopause in the UK, which equates to roughly a third of the female population. Yet, despite this, it’s only in the past decade that society has actually decided to really speak about it.

Whether it’s documentaries or menopause influencers, we’re certainly hearing more about menopause than ever before – but that doesn’t always mean we’re prepared for it.

A 2023 study of women under 40, published in BMC Women’s Health, found that most had very limited knowledge about

menopause, and more than 60% of menopausal women only started learning once their own symptoms hit. Is it any wonder then that the average person still feels perplexed when it comes to this life transition? Let’s break down some of the most common menopause myths, to ensure you’re informed, not blindsided.

Myth 1: Menopause only hits in your 50s

“One of the most common myths about menopause is that it begins at 50, but perimenopause – the transitional phase before periods stop completely – can begin in your late 30s or

early 40s, sometimes even earlier,” says nutritionist and autoimmune expert VJ Hamilton. “During this time, hormonal fluctuations begin to affect everything from sleep and mood to skin, memory, and menstrual cycles. But, because these shifts often happen while you’re still having periods, they’re easy to overlook or mislabel as ‘stress’ or ‘burnout’.”

While perimenopause can begin up to 10 years before menopause, those with symptoms before 45 could also be experiencing early menopause, which impacts around 5% of women, according to NHS Inform. >>> happiful.com | Issue 99 | 35

“There’s also a group of women who experience early menopause or premature ovarian insufficiency (POI) – which occurs when ovarian function declines before age 40,” VJ adds.

“This can happen spontaneously, or due to medical treatments (like chemotherapy or surgery), or genetic factors.”

The takeaway? Don’t assume your symptoms aren’t hormone related just because you haven’t hit 50; chat to a doctor if you’re at all worried about them or any symptoms that arise, to ensure you get the right support.

Myth 2: It’s all about hot flushes

VJ Hamilton is a nutritionist and autoimmune expert.

Discover more on her profile on the Nutritionist Resource.

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A study in the journal Menopause revealed that 80% of people going through menopause have hot flushes, showing that while this is a common symptom, 20% of people still go through menopause without them.

“Menopause symptoms are wide-ranging and systemic, because oestrogen, progesterone, and other sex hormones don’t just influence reproductive function – they affect the brain, gut, joints, skin, bones, cardiovascular system, and immune health,” explains VJ. “There’s no onesize-fits-all when it comes to menopause symptoms. While some experience hot flushes, others have joint pain, mood changes, or digestion issues.”

This myth also means the way we talk about menopause isn’t inclusive. We know that those from different cultures experience menopause differently, for example Japanese

happiful regulars

women have been shown to have fewer hot flushes than other countries, as research in the Journal of Nutrition notes. When we associate menopause solely with hot flushes, it stops those who don’t have them getting the help they need.

“The myth that menopause is only about hot flushes creates a barrier to getting the right support. Many women are left thinking: ‘This can’t be menopause – I’m not getting hot flushes,’” explains VJ.

Myth 3: Menopause is something you need to suffer through

Just because menopause is a natural and inevitable part of ageing, doesn’t mean it’s something you have to endure in silence; there is lots of advice out there and things you can try in order to feel like yourself again.

And while a lot of women find menopause difficult, it’s worth noting that not everyone does, with one survey, published in Post Reproductive Health in 2023, finding that more than 20% of women felt their menopause experience was actually fine. But, even if it is tough, that doesn’t mean it has to stay that way.

“The post-menopausal years aren’t a decline – they’re a new chapter. With the right tools, many women find increased clarity, energy, and stability in this phase,” says VJ. “But it starts with understanding that menopause is not something to endure – it’s a transition you can actively support with the right tools and guidance.”

Myth 4: Hormone replacement therapy (HRT) is a last resort

One tool that can help with menopause is HRT, but some people are still cautious of it. “HRT is the most effective treatment for relieving menopausal symptoms such as hot flushes, insomnia, anxiety, and brain fog. Many women are worried about safety, but this is actually due to outdated and misunderstood information,” says Dr Hazel Parkinson, a GP and menopause expert, specialising in menopausal skin and wellness. “HRT is really beneficial for long-term health too, it can significantly reduce osteoporosis and fractures, reduces (not increases) your risk of heart disease, stroke and diabetes, as well as helping with sleep and mood.”

The postmenopausal years aren’t a decline – they’re a new chapter Part of the problem is also that not all women are being offered HRT. In fact, one landmark study produced by the Fawcett Society (based on survey data commissioned by Channel 4), shows that fewer than 40% of those with menopause symptoms were offered it by their GP, and, in general, people may not be aware that HRT can be catered to them.

“HRT is not a one size-fits-all; it can be personalised and there’s different types, such as patches and gels, so speak to your GP to find the right HRT solution for you,” adds Dr Parkinson.

Myth 5: You only need to understand menopause if you’re living it

Menopause education shouldn’t just be reserved for those going through it. Knowledge gaps persist even in this day and age, whether that’s employers (one survey by the CIPD found that only 24% of people say their organisation has a menopause policy or other support measures in place), healthcare (not all GPs currently have menopause training, and in January 2023 the UK government rejected calls to make it mandatory), or just allowing us to support someone else going through it.

“Menopause isn’t ‘just a women’s issue’ – it’s a health systems issue, a workplace issue, and a personal health turning point,” explains VJ. There’s so much to learn about menopause, but it’s important to refer to the right sources. Visit upto-date, fact-driven websites such the British Menopause Society (thebms.org.uk) or the Menopause Charity, (themenopausecharity. org). Or if you’re experiencing any symptoms of menopause, make an appointment with your GP to go through the next steps.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who talks about life as a mum with a speech delayed child on her blog mumernity.co.uk and Instagram @mumernity happiful.com | Issue 99 | 37

TAC K L I N G TA S K PARALYSIS Does procrastination or avoidance affect your productivity? You’re not alone Writing | Caroline Butterwick

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ou’re due to deliver a presentation at work soon, and you’re painfully aware you’ve yet to create a single slide. Or maybe the lounge is full of clutter, which is making you feel stressed – but the thought of tackling piles of paperwork or endless items on the coffee table feels too much.

When we have a task to tackle, getting started is often the hardest part. This can lead to a state of inaction or stuckness known as ‘task paralysis’. Here, we look at ways that can help us gently address the task at hand, whether that’s in the workplace or at home.

TACKLE PERFECTIONISM “Perfectionism often stems from a fear of

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judgement or making mistakes, which can trigger your brain’s stress response,” explains psychotherapist Tina Chummun.

This can stop you from starting a task, as you worry that you won’t do it perfectly – whether that’s because you don’t feel capable, or due to perhaps having limited time or energy.

Tina recommends adopting a ‘progress over perfection’ mindset. “Reframe the task as an opportunity for growth

rather than a performance,” she says. “Remember, starting imperfectly is better than not starting at all. Treat the task as a draft or trial run. For example,

positive pointers

if cleaning the kitchen feels overwhelming, start with one area and remind yourself: ‘It doesn’t need to be spotless, just better than it was.’”

releasing endorphins to create the motivation to keep going,” explains Tina.

MAKE IT FEEL MANAGEABLE

“It helps to identify intrinsic motivators (internal reasons for doing the task) and pair them with external rewards,” says Tina. “Intrinsic motivation might involve reframing the task as an act of self-care, an accomplishment, or something in alignment with your values.

External rewards – like a treat, break, or acknowledgment – can act as a bonus for completing smaller steps.”

Visualise how you might feel when you look at your tidy lounge: a sense of calm, the ability to finally relax, or feeling more confident in inviting friends over. With a work task, imagine the feelings of accomplishment when you review something you’ve created, or reflect on a particular interaction where you truly helped someone. This can reconnect you with your intrinsic motivators and encourage you to get started.

“When a task feels overwhelming, it often activates your brain’s amygdala, which perceives the situation as a threat, even if it’s just the size or complexity of the task at hand,” says Tina. “This stress response can suppress the prefrontal cortex, the part of your brain responsible for planning, organisation, and breaking things down into manageable steps. This is why tasks can feel paralysing when they appear too big to tackle all at once.”

Finding ways to make it feel less overwhelming can help.

“Breaking tasks into smaller, actionable steps helps shift this mental load. By focusing on just one piece at a time, you reduce your amygdala’s stress response and re-engage your prefrontal cortex, making the task feel less daunting.”

Techniques can include writing down or visualising the ‘chunks’ of the task. For example, says Tina, if it’s cleaning the kitchen, break it down into specific segments, like wiping the counters, unloading the dishwasher, and sweeping the floor. Celebrate each time you complete one ‘chunk’ of the task. “Rewarding progress sends positive signals to your brain,

TAP INTO YOUR MOTIVATION

ASK FOR HELP FROM A FRIEND “Social connection activates the release of oxytocin, another powerful neurotransmitter that reduces stress, and increases feelings of trust and connection,” says Tina. “Pairing a challenging task with social interaction, such as tackling it with a friend

Starting imperfectly is better than not starting at all. Treat the task as a draft or trial run or co-worker, can transform the experience from solitary labour to a shared, engaging activity.”

It can also help us feel more accountable; knowing a friend is helping you tidy the house can keep you on track and stay present. Even if they aren’t physically tidying with you, just having them there can help.

If it’s a work task, sitting with a colleague or friend – even if they’re working on something different – can help you get started and stay engaged. If you work remotely, you could consider signing up to an online co-working session.

USE THE TWO-MINUTE RULE “If a task can be done in two minutes, do it immediately. For larger tasks, commit to working for just two minutes to get started,” says Tina. This can help stop the procrastination, and enable you to make the first step.

“Often, starting is all you need to do to build momentum,” Tina notes. You may well find that once you’ve started, you get into the mindset and want to keep going, and that the task suddenly feels more manageable, or dare I say, even enjoyable! happiful.com | Issue 99 | 39

ANXIETY ON YOUR MIND

Charlotte’s week

Welcome to Anxiety on Your Mind, the series where we explore the reality of living with anxiety. In this edition, Charlotte Phillips-Lynn, 31, from Bristol, shares how they navigate severe hearing loss, OCD, and generalised anxiety disorder Writing | Charlotte Phillips-Lynn as told to Fiona Fletcher Reid

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suppose I’ve always had anxiety, but I didn’t fully understand it. When I was younger, going on holiday made me feel queasy and nervous, but the connection between this and my mental health didn’t come to the forefront until I became an adult.

Like many others, lockdown had a huge impact on my mental health, and going back to the office, as well as being out in public again, has been a struggle for me.

I’m a senior operations analyst, and I also have my own business as a keynote speaker. In 2021, more of us started going into the office, which triggered anxious feelings for me. That same year, I experienced a homophobic attack on my commute to work, which only added another element of fear to being out of the house. A few days later, I had the worst panic attack I’ve ever had – it went on for hours.

After that it spiralled into health anxiety, on top of the fact that I also have severe hearing loss and OCD. Things have been a lot

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worse than they are now though; I’ve had suicidal thoughts in the past, and that really scared me.

With therapy and meds I’m doing much better, but anxiety is still an everyday presence I have to deal with.

My wife and I both do hybrid working, so on days when she is in the office, I am often home alone. Because of my hearing loss, this can be quite difficult because I worry that I can’t hear someone at the door, or won’t be able to hear the smoke alarm if it goes off. Tuesday was one of those days, and I felt unwell most of the day, experiencing dizzy spells and nausea. At lunch time, I spent some time under my weighted blanket, and then took a walk in the local park which helped a little, but I also kind of just accepted I was having an anxious day, and tried to get on with things regardless.

Routine is something that helps a lot – getting up early, having set days in the office, and going to the gym. I quite often use my lunchbreak to play pickleball (a paddle sport that combines

elements of tennis, badminton, and ping-pong) with friends.

It takes my mind off everyday worries, and offers a temporary escape. I might feel my heart racing afterwards, and that does have a tendency to make me feel anxious, but overall it’s a wonderful part of my routine.

This week, my friend wasn’t sure if they’d be able to make it, and that ‘not knowing’ made me quite jittery, because I struggle with last-minute changes. I’ve had friends lie to me in the past, so I can be quick to worry that I’ve done something to upset other people, and I can ruminate a lot about whether I’m the one causing problems. In the end, my friend was able to make it, so our pickleball session went ahead.

On days when I’m in the office, the commute is still a source of stress, because I worry about trains being cancelled and arriving late to work. My colleagues are great, but I do overthink about who will be in the office, how busy it will be, and whether I’ll end up being pulled in different directions

ANXIETY ON YOUR MIND

Find out more about Charlotte at questioningnormal.com

and fall behind with tasks. I have to do a lot of lip-reading when I’m in the office too, and a full day of that can be mentally and physically exhausting.

On the weekend I can relax a little, especially on Saturdays, as that’s when I do the food shop. I love getting up early and taking my time in the supermarket when there’s hardly anyone else around. I’ve had panic attacks in supermarkets before, and had to abandon a trolley full of shopping, which can be really frustrating. So now, I find peace in knowing I can go at a time when things are calm. Then, I come home and spend most of the day cleaning and tidying, which I find very therapeutic.

That, as well as cooking a roast dinner, playing cards, and snuggling up with my wife and our cat is where I feel most chilled out.

Another part of my routine is connecting with family. I always do this on a Sunday, which normally consists of phone calls to my mum and grandad, then a group video call to my wife’s family in New Zealand, which is a lot of fun! Overall, it’s been a week of managing my energy, allowing myself to rest when I need it, and continuing to stay positive on the anxious days. happiful.com | Issue 99 | 41

An overview of OCD While there are an infinite number of ways obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD) can impact a person, OCD UK notes that it can typically fall under one of the following five categories Ruminations or intrusive thoughts

Checking

This can present as frequently getting stuck in a cycle of negative, sometimes unsettling or distressing, thoughts, which can become debilitating as you can’t seem to break free from it or do anything else. And it’s this inability to stop it, and its impact on daily activities, that distinguishes it from overthinking. You might ruminate over the past, present, or future, or a particular obsession, which can then overlap with other categories.

This subtype involves debilitating self-doubt, that causes you to double-check past actions repeatedly. More than simply second-guessing if you locked the back door once in a while, checking OCD is driven by compulsions for reassurance that are incessant. Checking might ease anxiety momentarily, but the compulsions build into an endless escalating cycle, worrying that if something has or hasn’t been done will result in harm to yourself or others.

Symmetry and ordering

Contamination

This can manifest as an intense need for order and alignment, whether that’s in items, physical surroundings, clothing, yourself, or even actions – for example, chewing an equal number of times on each side of the mouth.

The motion of arranging things can need to be repeated until the urge is satisfied, and can result in distress when things aren’t in place. The underlying belief can be that having control over this balance and alignment can prevent bad things from happening – that order is the solution.

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People with this OCD may have a persistent fear of exposure to germs or toxins. You may be preoccupied by the idea of becoming ill, and go to extreme lengths to avoid any possible contamination – whether it’s a legitimate concern, or imagined. You may experience intrusive thoughts about being unclean, and, in turn, develop frequent and specific cleaning rituals, with a tendency to discard items you believe are dirty or contaminated (even if they aren’t).

Hoarding

Presenting as a need to collect certain things – sometimes a particular number or the same thing – and review them, you may become so attached that you believe something bad will happen if these were thrown away. You may also fear the repercussions of accidentally discarding something you might need at a later time. This can overlap with contamination OCD (if a fear of dirt prevents you from throwing something away), or ordering (if the items need to be arranged in a particular way). A key thing to note is that hoarding with OCD differs from hoarding disorder because of the compulsion and distress resulting from not maintaining these collections.

food & health

Keeping track: How to develop a healthy relationship with your wearable fitness tracker Whether it’s a simple step-tracking watch or a high-end smart ring recording everything from your monthly cycle to your stress levels, more people than ever are using wearable fitness trackers.

But is constant insight into our health always a good thing?

Writing | Jenna Farmer

A

ccording to YouGov, 37% of Brits now use wearable devices such as fitness bands – increasing from 19% in 2019 – with the wearable fitness market set to be worth an eye-watering £34 billion in 2025. Using fitness trackers (such as watches and rings) can be extremely motivating – with a 2022 study in Lancet Digital Health finding those who used them were encouraged to walk an extra 40 minutes a day. But as the list of metrics we can track mounts up, there can be drawbacks, too, with experts warning that keeping tabs on all this data could lead to unnecessary anxiety. So, can we strike a balance between being inspired and being obsessed with our fitness levels?

The pros of wearable fitness trackers There’s no doubt that, for many of us, fitness trackers can bring with them real advantages.

Motivation is a big draw, with that review of studies in Lancet Digital Health noting those who wore fitness trackers walked an extra 1,800 steps a day, likely thanks to motivating features that most trackers offer such as setting a step goal, or seeking to ‘close’ activity rings, which incentivise us to habit-stack exercise into our day. Most of us love this sense of accomplishment, and research, such as a 2023 study in the Journal of Medical Internet Research, has shown that those who tracked their step count accurately, perceived their diet as healthier, and noted improved mental health as a result.

“I have an Apple watch, and feel really motivated by it; I do my best to close my three rings before the end of the day,” says positive psychologist Anna Shears. “If I’m close to my target, I’ll walk the dog again, or put it in dance mode to start dancing to hit my goals! I can feel the

health benefits of getting out and walking more because of tracking.”

The multifunctionality of this tech can also come in handy – whether it’s the ability to track your menstrual cycle (to spot any changes to discuss with your GP), know if you need to get more sleep, or even to monitor a health condition. In fact, according to a recent study, published in Nature Medicine in 2024, fitness trackers and smartphones could monitor response to medications of those with heart conditions, and provide similar information to inperson hospital assessments.

“After I had my first child, my resting heart rate was significantly higher than prebirth, and I started to get heart rate spikes from just climbing the stairs,” says Leanne, a mum of two. “Presenting the evidence from my fitness tracker to my GP meant that I wasn’t dismissed, and I was diagnosed with an >>> happiful.com | Issue 99 | 43

Those who use wearable fitness trackers were encouraged to walk an extra 40 minutes a day

overactive thyroid, which could have gone on being undiagnosed without my wearable.”

The cons of wearable fitness trackers Like most things, fitness trackers have their drawbacks, too.

Largely, when it comes to data, is having that wealth of information constantly at our fingertips always a good thing?

Recently, eating disorder charity Beat warned that, for some individuals, wearing a 44 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

fitness tracker could actually make their health worse by leading to obsessive tendencies, while the British Heart Foundation acknowledged they could increase health anxiety, and flagged the importance of recognising that personal trackers are not actual medical devices: “They cannot replace medical tests, and are not designed to give a diagnosis.”

“Fitness trackers can be brilliant for building awareness, but it’s easy to fall into the trap of constantly checking your stats, and not feeling like you’re doing

enough. For those who already struggle with chronic health issues or anxiety, it can add pressure, rather than help,” says psychotherapist Tina Wright.

When we’re smashing our goals, our mood may improve, but, equally, it works the other way, too. The Journal of Medical Internet Research study found that those whose tracker counted fewer steps felt inadequate, chose to eat less healthily, and reported reduced self-esteem.

“For me, I had a step tracker and I found it stressful – I felt that if I didn’t do enough steps, then I was a complete failure,” explains Charlotte, a teacher.

Reliance on this tech can result in feeling too attached, or even obsessed, with the information and hitting targets. Not reaching your goals can become a tool

food & health

to berate yourself with, and forgetting to wear your tracker might prompt feelings of guilt, shame, or disappointment in yourself – you may even feel a sense of dread or panic to go without it for a day.

Dependence on wearable tech could potentially even result in demotivation, as you forgo healthy habits when not wearing a tracker because there’s no evidence to prove it happened.

Essentially, if you’re not careful and self-aware, trackers might perpetuate a negative relationship where you become too focused on the statistics, and less on the health benefits you originally aimed for.

1. Reframe your perspective

How to develop a healthier relationship with your fitness tracker

“Your wellbeing is more than a set of stats,” Tina emphasises, so focus on your body each time you exercise. The key is movement that works for you, rather than purely done to meet a target.

“For me, fitness trackers can help keep you consistent, but my ethos is about making exercise a daily habit, like brushing your teeth, and focusing on movement in some form

Especially in this day and age, technology can really transform our health, but as we’ve explored, it’s vital to be aware of our habits and how we’re engaging with these advancements. So, here’s our essential guide to keeping both your health and mind on track with a wearable fitness device.

Start to see a wearable as an extra health tool, rather than something to live your life by. “Treat your tracker as a companion, not the boss of you,” says psychotherapist Tina Wright.

2. Avoid overchecking

Checking on your heart rate or step count every hour isn’t a helpful habit, so limit how often you review any apps. “Check in just once or twice a day – and always balance the numbers with how you actually feel in your body,” says Tina.

3. Listen to your body, and focus on movement

every single day!” says personal trainer Emma McCaffrey of movewithemma.co.uk.

Fitness trackers have their place, but it’s important to use them to support your body, rather than feeling as if they’re in control of it. If you’re goaloriented and motivated, you might find a wearable really helpful in improving your wellbeing, but if it’s leading to negative thoughts or unnecessary worry, it’s perfectly OK to take off the strap, step away from the metrics, and just focus on moving your body instead.

Jenna Farmer is a freelance journalist who specialises in writing about gut health. She has Crohn’s disease, and blogs at abalancedbelly.co.uk

Tina Wright is a cognitive behavioural psychotherapist.

Get in touch via the Counselling Directory.

happiful.com | Issue 99 | 45

Spread the word (and joy)

Happy stories are contagious, and here’s how you can tell them, too Writing | Erica Crompton

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very summer, my partner picks a bunch of flowers for his mum that he’s grown from seeds in our garden. Paul’s mum is always overjoyed with his bunches of yellow sunflowers and pink dahlias, and it makes her feel very proud to have raised such a talented gardener, who has shown so much skill and devotion in tending to our garden. As you might expect, she responds by encouraging his efforts, and treating him to more seed packs from our local garden centre to sprinkle in the

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woodlands to the back of our home. Currently, he’s nurturing some blue periwinkles that his mum bought to grow along the side of our house, adding a bright pop of colour.

Are you smiling? I’m guessing you might be, if recent research from China is anything to go by.

Scientists at Renmin University’s psychology department have found that sharing ‘happy stories’ can make others feel good, too.

Whether it’s a tale about finding a hidden treasure in a charity shop, a random act of kindness

you witnessed, or a compliment from a colleague, scientists say the feeling of joy from sharing these stories is ‘contagious’. So, it seems, spreading joy has never been so much fun – or so easy!

Once I heard about this scientific evidence, I began actively trying ‘happy talk’ in my daily life, and have been amazed at how people have responded.

Conversations have had the feelgood factor and deepened, lasting longer. It seems that when the talk is joyful, friends stick around to listen.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

I actually tried it over coffee with a good friend last week.

I began our conversation with some good news. “I just got a text from my friend Jo, having played Cupid,” I began. “I set them up on a date, and, according to Jo, things are looking promising.”

The tale prompted a smile. We both got a little lost in a good conversation, but both of us texted after to say what a great catch-up it had been, and to meet again soon.

I’m not alone in road-testing the study. Dr Andy Cope, a happiness

expert, positive psychologist and author of The Art of Being Brilliant, tells me the research has spurred him on to be the best grandpa he can, and hopes his grandson can “catch” a little joy from him. Andy says: “I need to be the best grandpa in the world.

That means reading the story like I mean it, with expression and funny voices. The adventures full of derring-do, and the funny bits laugh-out-loud. The research is clear: if I can be genuinely up for it, they will catch my happiness and joy.”

Of course, it’s easy to slip into ‘average mode’ – the habit of trying to get the story done and dusted so we can focus on something we may feel is more ‘important’. Or perhaps rushing over these seemingly small, joyful moments because we view them as ‘humblebragging’, or indulging in ourselves. But the truth is that these day-to-day moments hold so much value that is often underestimated.

The research is about storytelling, but I think the results can be applied to conversations of any type. Instead of asking people ‘How was your day?’, why not upgrade to ‘What was the highlight of your day?’ This opens the door to not only share a smile-worthy anecdote, but also offers an opportunity for a deeper connection and conversation – and so the contagion begins.

Of course, the idea underpinning this is the benefit of reflecting on and sharing these joyful moments, but that’s not to say we have to fake or force happiness. The human >>> happiful.com | Issue 99 | 47

experience is made up of a spectrum of emotions, and it’s perfectly normal to not feel positive all the time, and to acknowledge the frustrations, disappointments, and sadness in life, too. But it’s undoubtedly interesting and noteworthy that happiness is catching – a reminder that we can be subconsciously sending out, and soaking up, good vibes in those moments when we need a boost.

Happy coach and ‘happiologist’ Dal Banwait, from the US, is pleased to see that this study on emotional contagion reinforces the positive psychology perspective. She tells me: “This study measured individuals’ brain activity, and how it responds while processing emotional stories. It confirms that sharing happy personal stories is considered a crucial part of people’s daily lives, since it elicits positive emotions in 48 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

These day-today moments hold so much value that is often underestimated both parties. Positive emotions generated from listening to a person tell their happy stories are transferable from one individual to the other. People are mostly impacted by happy stories, as it stimulates the brain, promoting good feelings. By sharing happy stories, individuals also create a close positive relationship and connection with others.”

Back in the UK, Smriti Joshi, lead psychologist at a mental health app, says: “The study looks at how sharing happy stories affects people’s emotions and

connections with others. It found that when people listen to happy stories, they feel more connected and emotionally in-tune with the storyteller compared to when they hear neutral stories.

This shows that sharing positive emotions through stories can improve relationships, and make people feel closer to each other.

But it’s not just about how others feel – it can benefit you, too.

“We know that when we engage in positive talk and storytelling, it makes us feel good, triggering the dopamine receptors in our brains. Although it can be hard to get out of the habit of negative talk, the more we do so, the easier it becomes, like a muscle exercise. Talking yourself happy involves focusing on positive selftalk, and engaging in practices that elevate your mood and perspective,” say Smriti.

You see, it’s not just spring flowers that bring a smile to Paul’s mum’s face – happy talk from others can give us that warm, fuzzy feeling inside, and make us smile, too. So, you don’t need to feel guilty, or like you’re bragging, to regale people with a highlight from your day, or recount a small victory you’ve had. These little moments of delight can hold even more value when shared. Ultimately, it’s a great way for all of us to feel a little happier ever after.

Take 5

It’s time to move ‘me-time’ up the pecking order.

Enjoy a mindful break with these amusing puzzles

Spot the difference

How d id you do? V i sit the ‘Freeb ies’ se ctio shop.h appifu n on to find l.c the an om and m swers, ore!

Can you identify seven differences between these two images? Eagle eyes required!

Anagrams

Not to ruffle feathers, but can you unscramble these six different species of birds?

WORSARP

LISATRGN

OORDWEKCEP

PEON GWODOI

ARNCAY

FINCOLDGH

How to support someone who is out of work Whether through job loss, illness, or something else entirely, not working can be a huge source of stress. Here’s how to help someone who is going through it…

Writing | Katie Scott

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he UK unemployment rate was recorded at 4.4% earlier this year, with the rate of economic inactivity (those who are neither employed nor actively seeking work) at 21%. This means that there is a good chance that you might know of someone who is out of work at the moment, be that due to redundancy, retirement, long-term sickness, or a myriad of other reasons.

Not working can bring a tidal wave of emotions. It can plummet self-worth, cause financial worries, impact relationships, and bring feelings of anger, frustration, and fear. It can also carry grief, as we mourn the things we may have lost from a previous job (be that fulfillment, friends, or a sense of security), and any aspirations and hopes that were wrapped up in the connection to work. So, how can you support someone who is struggling?

Listen first Author and psychotherapist Eloise Skinner recommends 50 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

listening first before offering any kind of response. “Allow your friend to talk through whatever aspects of the experience are on their mind, without pushing them for further disclosure,” she advises. From this, it will be far easier to gauge what your loved one needs from you – whether that’s some soothing words, a cuddle, or more time to vent. Before you respond, be mindful of the dynamic of your relationship, and remember that not everyone will be looking for you to solve their problems.

They might just need someone to validate their emotions.

Say something supportive Eloise says that the way you talk to a friend should be led by what you know about them, and their particular situation. If you’re able, let them know that you’re there if they need you by sending a message or picking up the phone. Asking what they need of you might not always get an answer, especially if they are feeling overwhelmed and

anxious. Instead, gently show you care by popping over with a homemade meal you know they love, or inviting them out for some fresh air.

For someone who has lost their job, you might say: ‘I’m sorry to hear that. You are so [talented, capable, etc.] that I’m certain new opportunities will be waiting for you.’ One note of caution from Eloise: it’s best to avoid sharing your experiences of unemployment or losing a job, unless you know it would be reassuring for them specifically.

Even if you have good intentions, it’s better to say something comforting as opposed to making it about yourself.

Offer practical support While leaping to solutions can feel dismissive of their emotional experience, there may still be value in helping out with tasks to reduce stress levels. Consider asking if they are open to hearing how you can help, and make some suggestions. This could include childcare to allow them

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Not everyone will be looking for you to solve their problems. They might just need someone to validate their emotions

to complete job applications, helping them update their CV, accompanying them to medical or benefits appointments, or providing transport so that they can get to a volunteering role.

Often, these small gestures can help to shift someone from hopeless to hopeful.

Long-term support Depending on the circumstances, your friend could be out of work for months, years, or perhaps even permanently, which can lead to profound identity shifts and social isolation. This means you may want to plan for sustainable support. Consider checking in on them regularly, but not always to talk about their

work situation. This could be anything from a weekly exercise class to a monthly coffee date.

Help them celebrate the small wins that don’t necessarily relate to careers, whether that’s doing an online course, building a new habit, or creating a piece of art.

Helping them connect with a sense of purpose is key.

Take care of yourself, too Supporting someone through all this is a tall order – so know that it’s totally normal to feel emotionally drained from the process. Remember that you can be supportive and understanding without needing to take on responsibility for solving their situation.

As with any relationship, boundaries around your capacity can protect your energy. Try to be aware of how the role of supporter is impacting your emotions. Do you find it exhausting trying to maintain an optimistic outlook when your friend is always thinking of the worst-case scenario? Are you frustrated that they don’t take your advice?

These feelings are natural, and may require you to build your own support network to process any second-hand stress you’re experiencing. Talking with friends, or a trained therapist, can create space for you to express your feelings safely, in order to continue to be there for your loved one in a way that works for both of you. happiful.com | Issue 99 | 51

There are some things you learn best in calm, and some in storm Willa Cather, The Song of the Lark

Photography | Pixabay

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inspiring insight

Flower power:

the mindful magic of ikebana Does buying a bouquet brighten up your day? Try this Japanese tradition, which cultivates presence and self-expression…

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

J “

apan’s natural beauty is absolutely breathtaking,” says floral designer and founder of Ume, Jessica Fossey. “Every season brings new magic, and there is an element of tranquility that is almost indescribable.”

Originally a professional dancer, Jessica lived in Tokyo, where she became mesmerised by the way flowers intertwined with culture.

“I soon discovered Japan’s ability to showcase florals on a scale like no other.”

But you don’t have to live near the sweet fragrance of wisteria gardens or the soft maple leaves overlooking Mount Fuji to explore the Japanese power of flowers. In fact, there is one practice that anyone can try at home: ikebana.

What is ikebana?

Ikebana (pronounced ee-kay-baanuh) is the Japanese art of flower arranging, which translates as ‘bringing life to flowers’. Instead of putting blooms in any old vase, ikebana is an intentional act that encourages a meditative state, creative self-expression, and a deep

Illustrating | Rosan Magar

connection to nature. In a world that rushes us from one task to the next, this mindful process is an invitation to slow down and marvel at the natural rhythms of life.

Keeping the mind engaged in this way encourages mindfulness – making ikebana the ideal activity for those who find the stillness of meditation challenging.

More than a hobby

How is ikebana different?

Working with flowers isn’t just about creating a decorative piece – the activity offers many healing benefits. One study, in the Journal of Death and Dying, found floral arrangement sessions helped family caregivers at a hospice centre reduce stress and anxiety levels. Other research, including a study in Evolutionary Psychology, show sessions can lead to a significant improvement in mood, especially in children, who benefit from increased self-esteem.

When we see a bunch of flowers our brain releases dopamine (the feel-good neurotransmitter), but taking time to arrange flowers takes things one step further. The act of carefully choosing your blooms, pondering colour schemes and placements, uses cognitive skills such as decision-making, planning, and spatial awareness.

Where western floral arranging tends to prioritise aesthetics, ikebana is considered a spiritual practice. There’s no rush to complete the task, but instead, a sense of surrendering to the process as pleasurable in itself.

“Without a doubt, it taught me to slow down and appreciate the moment,” says Jessica. “Each flower speaks to you in ways you don’t see straight away, and teaches you to live with patience.”

Empty space is also key. Instead of a vase that overflows with flowers in full bloom, ikebana displays are intentionally sparse and incorporate branches, leaves, stems, and even dead or withered plants. While individual expression is at the heart of ikebana, traditional arrangements consist of three fundamental elements: shin, soe, and hikae. >>> happiful.com | Issue 99 | 53

Shin

Soe

Hikae

How the elements of ikebana work together to create a feeling of balance • The tallest stem (shin) symbolises heaven or the spiritual realm.

• The mid stem (soe) represents humanity, and connects the shin and hikae.

• The lowest and smallest element (hikae) symbolises Earth, or the physical realm.

54 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

inspiring insight

How to try ikebana

Explore this mindful practice at home with these simple steps:

Consider the space

Start by thinking about where you plan to place your finished arrangement. This will inform the kind of vase you use, the flowers you source, and how they are arranged. E.g. a large window may call for tall blooms in an oversized vase, whereas a coffee table might suit a shallow bowl and shorter stems.

Find your foliage

Jessica suggests heading to your back garden or local market, and to choose three small bunches of flowers and foliage. “Think about contrasting or complimenting colours, shapes, and textures,” she says. “Your eye will be drawn to a certain flower or colour, just go with your gut, and build your other two choices based on what resonates.”

Choose your vessel

Ikebana considers the vase an important design element, with many opting for transparent glass vases to mimic how plants grow in nature. But similarly, a ceramic, metal, or wooden vessel can work just as well. “If you are using a vase, try to be aware of the stem length and vase neck length,” says Jessica. “Flowers need to be able to breathe and

have space to move freely, as opposed to sitting the same height as the vase.”

According to Jessica, ‘flower frogs’ are the secret ingredient to holding and supporting your blooms. “They are a small pad of ‘pins’ that sit facing upwards for the flowers to interlock and hold on to. They are versatile, and can be used in vases and bowls.”

You’ll also need a sharp pair of scissors or secateurs.

Go with the flow

Once you’ve got all your items, take a minute to set the tone for your ikebana experience, in order to embody the mindfulness aspect. “To help you feel relaxed and at ease, pop your favourite album on in the background,” says Jessica. “Listening to music can change our emotions. I feel it is important to be connected and open to welcoming new feelings of joy, purity, and happiness through another form of art.

“Unwrap your flowers, and remove any thorns and excess leaves lower down the stem that may sit below the waterline. To prolong lifespan, cut the very end of the stem on a diagonal angle to ensure the flower can drink effectively, and receive as much water to the head as possible.”

Jessica suggests experimenting with stem heights, focusing on the triangle framework of a main stem, secondary stem, and

supporting element. “By creating with various heights and angles, this incorporates harmony between the flowers, space, depth, and overall composition,” says Jessica. “A heavier head or bigger focal flower, such as a hydrangea, tends to gravitate towards the base of your arrangement giving some weight behind it. A delicate flower, such as the butterfly ranunculus, will give fluidity, height, and add an essence of feminism, preferring to sit higher up in the arrangement.”

Make it your own

In the spirit of ikebana, Jessica suggests trusting your intuition to know how to work with the natural elements: “Each flower is unique and guides you through.

It will tell you where it would like to sit and be placed.” Try out different placements, and rotate the vase to look at your creation from several angles before settling on your final design – every artist must go through a series of trials and errors to create any masterpiece.

Above all, Jessica stresses that working with flowers isn’t about having a grand vision or artistic prowess: “Art is subjective, and I don’t believe anyone can make a ‘bad’ arrangement when using such beautiful materials [...]

Flowers are a truly special form of unspoken art.” happiful.com | Issue 99 | 55

‘Let them’ theory

The two simple, yet powerful, words changing lives, and how to implement them successfully in yours

A

s a therapist, I often sit with people trying to make sense of relationships, and one of the recurring struggles is the urge to ‘fix’, to manage others’ moods, choices, and even their perceptions of us. In recent months, I’ve noticed a particular phrase emerging in conversations that resonates with clients in a profound way: “Let them.”

Popularised by motivational speaker Mel Robbins, this simple two-word mantra has become a social media phenomenon. The theory is a mindset shift focused on accepting that you can’t control others’ actions, and instead to focus on your own reactions and boundaries. It’s about letting go of the burden of trying to manage others, leading to more emotional peace, and potentially better relationships. Instead of wasting time and energy trying to stop someone from making a choice you disagree with, let them. In doing so, you allow them to reveal their true self, and allow yourself to see what happens when you let go.

If someone in your life chooses to behave in ways that feel hurtful, distant, or dismissive – let them.

56 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

If they want to leave, let them. If they don’t invite you, let them.

Not in anger, not with finality, but with clarity and care for your own wellbeing.

At first glance, ‘let them’ might sound harsh or detached, but beneath its surface lies an invitation to release the exhausting habit of trying to manage others’ choices, feelings, or perceptions of us.

However, Mel Robbins warns that ‘let them’ is not a universal solution, and there are boundaries to when and how it should be applied. If someone is doing something dangerous, abusive, or discriminatory, don’t let them.

‘Let them’ doesn’t stop there though, and must be followed by ‘let me’, according to Mel, which she says helps us avoid inaction.

This means that when we accept what we can’t control, we must also accept what we can control, and that element is the key to feeling our own agency. If your boss overlooks your work, you can still ask for recognition or consider whether you’re in the right job.

In all of this, reflection is central to the theory; observing how

BEA APPLEBY BSc (Hons) Dip MBACP

Bea Appleby is a humanistic counsellor, working with adults and couples. Get in touch via the Counselling Directory. others treat you and using that as information about the kind of relationship that’s unfolding.

Notice what happens when you let go a little, or implement new boundaries, and see how that impacts your sense of self-respect and wellbeing. For many, the permission offered by ‘let them’ has been life changing.

Perhaps that’s why the phrase has taken on such symbolic weight for countless people, and across social media there are photographs of individuals who have had these two words tattooed on to their bodies as an important personal declaration – that you can retain control over your own reactions and responses.

As simple and empowering as ‘let them’ sounds, it’s not always easy to practise, especially for peoplepleasers. For those who’ve learned

EXPERT COLUMN

Practising ‘let them’ theory in real life 1. Start with observation Before you react, just notice.

If someone disappoints you, cancels, or withdraws, pause.

Ask yourself: what am I feeling right now? What story am I telling myself about this?

2. Offer yourself compassion Letting go can be difficult.

Remind yourself: it’s OK to choose peace over control.

It’s OK to not hold everything together.

3. Question the need to please Do you find yourself overexplaining, apologising too much, or trying to prove your worth? Ask: am I doing this out of love, or out of fear of being unloved?

to keep the peace, anticipate others’ needs, or rely on external approval, letting others make their own choices can feel deeply uncomfortable, even risky.

Choosing to let someone be distant, dismissive, or disapproving, without rushing in to fix it, can bring up anxiety, guilt, and grief. It may stir questions like: ‘What if they leave?

What if they think I don’t care?’

These reactions are not signs of failure, but indicators of just how deeply ingrained our survival strategies to please or rescue others can be.

As with any widely shared advice, ‘let them’ has its limitations. Letting go is a skill, but it’s not always the appropriate response. Sometimes, relationships do require effort, communication, and repair. But

what I appreciate most about this mindset is that it encourages reflection before reaction. It gives us permission to pause and consider: what am I responsible for in this relationship? What happens if I let go?

The more we practise this, the more we reinforce a simple but life-changing truth: we don’t need to hold everything together, and we certainly don’t need to lose ourselves in our efforts to try to keep others close. happiful.com | Issue 99 | 57

Happiful recommends

From an artistic craft perfect for revamping lifeless household items to a popular summer activity, we’ve rounded up 10 recommendations for you to test out this month Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

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Shop for birthday presents from a charity Is there a pal’s birthday coming up soon? Head on over to an online charity shop, and spread kindness in more ways than one. RSPB’s online shop has gifts – from beautiful homeware to fashionable ethical clothing. Meanwhile, Mind has a great range of wellbeing-inspired gifts, such as puzzles and paper craft kits.

1

PAGE-TURNERS Blue Sisters by Coco Mellors Avery, Bonnie, and Lucky are three sisters living completely separate lives, but they all have one thing in common: they are all reeling from the same pain of losing their fourth sister, Nicky.

Reunited to stop the sale of their childhood home, will it bring them closer together and tighten their bond? (Out now)

2

ACT OF KINDNESS

4

LEND US YOUR EARS ‘How Do You Cope?’ BBC Radio 5 Live The mental and physical hurdles that we face in life might be individual to us, but this four-season podcast is proof that we are united in our strength to navigate them. Feel inspired by familiar guests talking about how they traverse these hurdles themselves, such as George Ezra talking about how he copes with anxiety and OCD. (Available on all podcast platforms)

OUT AND ABOUT

Go to an outdoor cinema screening And… action! Get your popcorn at the ready because Adventure Cinema is back with their open-air cinema screenings in the UK, from now until September. Choose from musical sing-a-longs to film classics, sit under the stars in the company of your friends and other movie-goers, and press play on the perfect movie night.

(Visit adventurecinema.co.uk to get your tickets) 58 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

5

PLUGGED-IN

A Daily Cloud Did you ever look up at the clouds as a child and imagine them as objects or animals? Thankfully, there’s a doodle artist who perfectly captures this nostalgic pastime.

Chris Judge’s feed is filled with ordinary clouds turned whimsical by drawing them into what his imagination sees. (Follow @adailycloud on Instagram)

culture

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7

TECH TIP-OFFS

Poesie: The Daily Poetry App They call themselves ‘a book club for poetry lovers’, and for good reason! Poesie is a wonderful place for you to come together with like-minded poetry readers. Discover new poems, chat about all things poetry-related, and share recordings or comments on the poems you love. (Available on all platforms)

LESSON LEARNED

Learn how to decoupage Similar to collaging, decoupaging is also about cutting out words or images that resonate with you, but the difference is that you are using them to decorate objects instead of arranging them on paper. It’s an enjoyable way of revamping your lifeless household items, and turning them into beautiful pieces of contemporary art. (Discover how to do this at hobbycraft.co.uk)

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8

GET GOING

Play tag “Tag, you’re it!” is something you may have heard a lot in the school playground, but there’s no rules to say you that you can’t continue to play it past a certain age. Despite it being a free-spirited game that gets you outdoors and connects you with your inner-child, it actually counts as cardiovascular exercise.

SQUARE EYES

The Penguin Lessons The Penguin Lessons is a film about a man travelling in Uruguay who strikes up an unlikely friendship with a penguin after rescuing it from an oil leak, which then won’t leave his side. It’s a beautiful film that captures the resonance of human-animal connection.

And, the best part? It’s based on a true story! (Out now)

10

WIN 2X BLOOM IN SOAP BARS For your chance to win, simply email your answer to the following question to competitions@happiful.com

TREAT YOURSELF

Nettle & Tea Tree Soap and Lavender Soothie Shea Butter Soap Go au natural with these botanical soap bars chosen from Bloom In Soap’s beautiful collection, featuring some of nature’s finest ingredients: nettles and tea tree oil, and lavender. Don’t forget to plant your labels as well, to grow wildflowers! (bloominsoap.co.uk, prices vary. Selection worth £13)

What is NOT a soap scent? a) Jasmine b) Sandalwood c) Garlic *Competition closes 31 August 2025.

UK and NI only. Good luck! happiful.com | Issue 99 | 59

What is

money dysmorphia?

In a world that convinces you that wealth equals worth, we’re helping you take back control of your money story…

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

H

ave you ever contemplated your emotional connection to cash? Perhaps it’s the shame of being constantly in your overdraft, or the way you hoard money when you know you have enough to spare. Maybe you find yourself offering to buy a round of drinks because you feel you ‘should’, or spending money quickly because you worry it will somehow disappear.

If this sounds familiar, you may be experiencing money dysmorphia.

What is money dysmorphia?

Everyone gets anxious about money from time to time. But people with money dysmorphia have a distorted self-perception which is linked to financial worth, as opposed to their true circumstances. Someone with money dysmorphia might have significant wealth, but still feel ‘less than’ because of how they view themselves. Similarly, someone with limited financial resources might feel they are 60 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

‘failing’ when realistically, they are financially safe, but are constantly comparing themselves to strangers on the internet.

Capitalism thrives on profit, and with the current cost of living crisis, alongside convincing marketing tools that prey on our perceived shortcomings, it’s no wonder that a study by Credit Karma has found that 43% of millennials and gen Z-ers suffer from money dysmorphia. More than half (54%) of respondents who experience money dysmorphia say they’re ‘obsessed with the idea of being rich’, compared with just 12% of those who do not struggle with the condition.

The root of money dysmorphia is complex, with counsellor Tina Chummun explaining that our relationship with money is influenced by numerous factors, including “external environments, mental health, neurobiology, patriarchy, trauma, social media, and historical norms”.

“It often forms at the messy intersection between early attachment patterns, financial

trauma, and the ever-present pressure cooker of socioeconomic comparison. From a neurobiological perspective, our brains are wired to seek safety and status,” Tina says. “The amygdala and prefrontal cortex, both involved in threat detection and decision-making, are highly responsive to social cues and perceived scarcity.”

For example, growing up you may have felt that approval of others was linked to your performance. Alternatively, you may have watched a parent struggle to put food on the table, resulting in financial trauma from a young age. According to Tina, the developing brain then begins to equate being worthy with having more.

“This early conditioning becomes even more entrenched when someone experiences economic instability or intergenerational poverty,” says Tina, who points out that stereotypical gender roles can also play a part in how we relate to money. This complicated set of forces can impact the nervous

wellbeing

system, and become internalised as shame. “This is where money dysmorphia takes root: when someone constantly feels left behind and stuck, regardless of their actual circumstances.”

How to spot the signs

Money dysmorphia manifests uniquely in each individual, but it is always linked to a distorted perception of feeling ‘not enough’.

It might look like overworking and still feeling behind, worrying about money when there is no immediate danger, ignoring bank statements, being too fearful to check your bank balance, or feeling a deep sense of inadequacy despite being financially stable.

The fight/flight/freeze cycle may manifest as obsessive budgeting, followed by an allout spending spree. It can affect decision-making, to the point where you may self-sabotage by offering to pay for others when you can’t afford to. You might also feel a sense of shame when you buy something pleasurable, even if you can afford it, due to internalised beliefs about your worthiness.

Resetting the balance

Tina suggests using journaling as a way to note down any feelings or patterns of behaviour you observe in your daily life, as a way to recognise and accept your experience of money dysmorphia.

54% of respondents who experience money dysmorphia say they’re obsessed with the idea of being rich “Track your emotions, not just your spending. By keeping a journal where you note your mood when you earn, spend, or avoid money, you’ll start seeing emotional patterns, rather than just financial ones. This will help you manage your finances through understanding what you are spending your money on, together with how you are feeling.”

As you work towards increasing awareness of your thoughts and feelings, you should also explore somatic awareness.

This means checking in with your body to see how financial matters impact you. Do you get a tight jaw right before payday? A rapid heartbeat when

you check your bank balance?

A queasy stomach? According to Tina, these aren’t just money nerves – they’re unresolved threat responses, and once you’re aware of them, you can begin to unravel them and make positive changes.

Try mentally reflecting on your beliefs around money. >>>

happiful.com | Issue 99 | 61

A penny for your thoughts While financial therapy may offer ways to help manage your money, it’s important to note that this is not the same as speaking to a financial advisor. Whether you speak to a therapist or go it alone, making a plan of action can help you regain control of your finances and self-image. Depending on your situation, this might involve creating a budget, tracking spending habits, setting up a savings account, or finding a path to becoming debt-free. Check out moneyhelper.org.uk for online tools and calculators, as well as advice on everything from credit scores to claiming benefits.

Tina says: “Ask yourself, whose voice is this? When you feel guilty spending or ashamed of your bank balance, are you hearing your voice, or your parents’? Are the voices related to your cultural background? From your teacher?

From your friends or social circle?

By naming whose voice it is you may be hearing the most, you can work towards reclaiming your own voice in relation to the money you have, want, or need.”

Try to be mindful of the content you read online, and consider unfollowing or muting social media accounts that make you feel like you’re not enough. “Instead, follow financial educators who speak about equity, trauma-informed budgeting, and rest instead of hustle,” suggests Tina.

Remember that building this self-awareness is a difficult task, as it may be linked to unresolved trauma. In which case, you may benefit from support from a trained therapist. Tina explains: “Through nervous system regulation, exploring coping mechanisms, and self-soothing 62 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

Early conditioning becomes even more entrenched when someone experiences economic instability or intergenerational poverty strategies, together with somatic tracking, therapy can help to ease the physiological grip of money trauma.”

Tina also notes the importance of exploring the influence of culture, class, and gender on our internal beliefs around money.

Finding a therapist who you trust with these aspects of your experience can create a safe space for you to unpack inherited money scripts tied to systemic inequality.

Above all, Tina emphasises: “Money dysmorphia is not a personal failing, it’s a symptom of cultural disconnection.” In a world that wants to glamourise the hustle and keep you on

a hamster wheel of seeking validation through financial means, know that your worthiness is not determined by your bank balance, but instead, can be shaped by how much compassion you can offer yourself.

Tina Chummun is an accredited psychotherapist and trauma specialist. Connect with her via the Counselling Directory.

food & health

Mouth taping: is it all talk?

It might be the trend on everyone’s lips, with people claiming mouth taping helps their sleep, energy levels, and even bad breath. But is it actually beneficial for the body, or just another hyped-up health hack?

Writing | Samantha Redgrave Hogg

H

ands up if you’ll do anything for a decent night’s sleep. Perhaps you’ve tried everything from minimising screen time to reducing stress levels to help you slip into that prized state of deep slumber. But what if pinning down a good night’s rest still feels beyond reach? Well, you may be curious and intrigued by the viral TikTok trend of taping your mouth together at bedtime – and whether it’s all it’s hyped up to be.

Fans of mouth taping, including Gwyneth Paltrow and footballer Erling Haaland, have championed the sleep benefits of this wellness practice. However, is there

legitimate evidence to suggest it works, are there any potential dangers, and is it really necessary to tape your mouth closed to get enough shut-eye?

sculpted jawline and youthful appearance – though, to note, this is anecdotal.

What is mouth taping?

Underpinning this trend is the value of breathing through your nose when you sleep. One of the first things I learnt when training to be a hypnotherapist was the importance of breathing properly, so I can attest to this.

Nasal breathing naturally slows the airflow and stimulates the diaphragm, which calms the breath and reduces tension in the body, as evidenced in the journal Breathe. When we >>>

Exactly as it sounds, mouth taping involves putting a piece of medical or porous tape over the middle of your mouth before you go to sleep, in order to encourage you to breathe through your nose.

Influencers of the trend claim that nasal breathing can reduce sleep issues, such as snoring and a dry mouth. There are even declarations of aesthetic enhancements, including a more

Scientific benefits of nasal breathing

happiful.com | Issue 99 | 63

Box breathing meditation

Nasal breathing naturally slows the airflow and stimulates the diaphragm, which calms the breath and reduces tension in the body

When we go to bed relaxed, we are more likely to stay asleep.

This simple box breathing exercise can help: • Close your eyes or keep them open with a soft gaze.

• Inhale for a count of four through your nose.

• Allow your belly to rise as you breathe in.

• Pause gently at the end of the in-breath for a count of four.

• Exhale slowly for four beats, letting go of the air through your nose.

• Allow your belly to fall as you exhale gently.

• Pause at the end of the out-breath for the same four beats.

• Repeat for as long as you need to feel more relaxed.

breathe this way, we activate the parasympathetic nervous system, signalling to our brain that it’s safe to relax.

Additionally, according to a study in PLOS ONE, controlled slow breathing, usually associated with a yoga or meditation practice, can even be good for cardiovascular health. Other reported benefits of nose breathing include enhanced immune, respiratory, and cognitive function. What’s more, the fine hairs in our noses filter out unwanted nasties, such as germs, dust and allergens. So, there is plenty of scientific evidence to back up the fact that nasal breathing is good for us! But what are the outcomes of mouth taping specifically, and, more importantly, is it safe?

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food & health

Does mouth taping work?

While there is a wealth of information supporting the benefits of nasal breathing, research into mouth taping specifically is far more limited.

A 2024 study, published in the American Journal of Otolaryngology, noted that while it may benefit certain issues (such as obstructive sleep apnoea, snoring, and ventilation), “most TikTok mouthtaping claims are not supported by the literature”, and further clinical investigation is needed.

A small pilot study (notably from 2014 so a little older, published in Otolaryngology: Head and Neck Surgery) of people with mild obstructive sleep apnoea – a fragmented sleep condition caused by a blocked upper airway – found that putting a porous patch over the lips may be beneficial as a snoring treatment.

Mouth taping changed the angle of the palate and tongue among the participants, causing less snoring and fewer occasions of lapsed breathing. However, the study’s size wasn’t large enough to draw any accurate conclusions, and some sleep experts have reported on the threats of mouth taping, especially for those with sleep apnoea, in fact increasing the dangers of this serious but common condition.

Mouth breathing can result from medical issues, such as enlarged tonsils, allergies, polyps, or nasal congestion. So, forcing your mouth shut could be harmful not only to your sleep, but also to your oxygen levels. Therefore, you should always consult a doctor before using mouth tape to check that it’s suitable for you.

And, let’s not forget the issues with the tape itself; some people experience irritation of the mouth where the tape has been attached, along with some pain or discomfort when removing it.

What’s the alternative?

The good news is there are many ways to achieve the goal of a good night’s sleep, without necessarily resorting to mouth tape. For example, if snoring is the main offender for you, try sleeping on one side or using nasal strips to improve blocked airways.

As sleep is fundamental to good wellbeing, it’s little wonder sleep tips become hot topics of conversation. So, here are eight healthy hacks to help you sleep more deeply: 1. Reduce caffeine and alcohol, as they can cause more frequent wakings.

2. Keep your bedroom cool and dark to increase melatonin, our sleepy hormone.

3. Avoid scrolling on social media or checking emails before bedtime (in turn reducing your blue light).

4. Practise nasal breathing to relax, and gain the immune and respiratory benefits.

5. Go to bed at the same time every night to help regulate your circadian rhythm.

6. See a qualified therapist who can help you address stress-related sleep issues.

7. Avoid clock-watching or turning on the lights if you do wake up.

8. Practise meditation to reduce anxiety, and help your body to stay asleep.

So, what’s the verdict on mouth taping? Well, if you have a medical practitioner’s go-ahead to give it a try, you might be one of the many on social media who reportedly experience its upsides. As a wellbeing writer, I’m infinitely curious about the latest trends, but with this one, I might try sticking to good old-fashioned healthy habits to get me through the night first.

Samantha Redgrave Hogg is an author whose book, ‘Flow: Self-care sessions for your menstrual, lunar, life and seasonal cycles’, is available now (Watkins Publishing). Visit wombonthebroom.com for more. happiful.com | Issue 99 | 65

Treasure among the trees Looking for a fun way to get out and about? Try geocaching…

Writing | Fiona Fletcher Reid

I

t’s a warm summer day, and you’ve got the rustle of the forest floor beneath your boots, sun dappling through the trees, and birdsong overhead. Your bag is packed with everything you could need for a treasure hunt, including some special treats that may (or may not) be found by a future fellow treasure hunter that you’ll probably never meet.

As you approach your destination, anticipation builds.

Your eyes dart here, there, and everywhere, excitedly peeking behind tree stumps and scanning the undergrowth. Then, you find it – treasure, in the form of a secret little box that only a select few are even aware exists. You are now officially a geocacher!

What is geocaching?

Geocaching is essentially a global game of hide-and-seek. People stash small items all over the world, and then make the items’ 66 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

coordinates available on websites like geocaching.com, where anyone can sign up to take part in the hunt to locate the treasure. Caches will always include a logbook where you can sign in and record your find, as well as small items and trinkets known as ‘geoswag’.

These inexpensive items could include anything from stickers to badges, small toys, or handcrafted items, and can be traded in exchange for other swag. More than five million people geocache in 100+ countries around the world, and there are geocaches on every continent, including Antarctica.

Alongside the notable benefits of enjoying time in nature, geocaching is a great activity for socialising, exploring your local area, getting some gentle exercise, and can add a new level of mental stimulation with the challenge of both following a map and discovering hidden treasure.

So, it can be a great way to

engage anyone who is more goalorientated, and needs a purpose for outdoor pursuits rather than simply going for a stroll, as well as being a fun activity for kids.

Get started with geocaching

If you’re curious and ready to start searching for your first cache, there are a few things you’ll need to do. First, download the Geocaching app, create your free account, and log in. Then, you can search for geocaches in your area.

You’ll need a GPS device or smartphone, along with a pen to fill in the logbook. As with any outdoor adventure, take some reasonable precautions such as ensuring you’re wearing sensible shoes, carry waterproof clothing if required, and have food, water, and a first aid kit for emergencies. Plus, be aware of your surroundings, and be careful not to stray on to private land and find yourself trespassing.

wellbeing

National Trust recommended geocaching locations: • Acorn Bank, Lake District • Bembridge and Culver Downs, Isle of Wight • Brimham Rocks, North Yorkshire • Cadover Bridge, Devon • Clent Hills, Worcestershire • Durham Coast, County Durham • Hatfield Forest, Essex

When you’re ready to set off, simply enter the co-ordinates of your chosen cache into your GPS and follow the map. When you’re within 10 metres of the location, keep your eyes peeled. Geocaches are often camouflaged or hidden out of view – stored in anything from a lunch box to a film canister – so you might have to rummage through nooks and crannies.

There have even been caches stored in fake rocks, but if you’re struggling, check the app to see if there is a ‘hint’ to help you find it.

Found the cache?

Congratulations! You now get to check out your treasure, fill in the logbook and, if you wish, trade

any geoswag you find inside. Just remember to always replace any item you take with something of equal or higher value. And of course, put the geocache back exactly as you found it for someone else to uncover later.

An environmental route

At first glance, geocaching appears to be a positive activity to explore your local area, visit new places, and engage with the outdoors in ways you may not have before. Yet, there are some valid environmental concerns.

Because caches are hidden in random spots, searching for them often takes you away from formal pavements, trampling on land

which can result in soil erosion.

Placement can disturb animal life too, impacting reproduction rates.

To counteract this, stick to designated trails as you search, and always observe wild animals from afar, never attempting to feed or touch them. A simple way to make your geocaching more eco-friendly is to ensure you leave the place better than you found it, so consider packing garbage bags and collecting litter on your way home. Some geocaches even have rubbish bags inside to encourage you to do so.

As with any new hobby, practice makes perfect. If your first adventure is unsuccessful, find another location and try again – every search builds valuable skills that will help you on future walks.

Remember that even seasoned geocachers occasionally leave empty-handed, but take comfort in that knowledge that the act of exploration is just as rewarding as the find itself. happiful.com | Issue 99 | 67

Left on read What to do if it feels like you’re getting mixed signals from a friend who is either unresponsive, or extremely slow to reply, to your messages Writing | Michelle Elman

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eing left on read – AKA when you can see someone has opened or viewed your message, but not responded – can be incredibly frustrating.

Such a simple thing can propel your mind into a flurry of selfdoubt. Are they ignoring me intentionally, or just busy? Am I overthinking it? Maybe they didn’t see it. Or maybe they’re annoyed at me. Do they actually hate me?

When our brains don’t have answers, they become meaningmaking machines. We seek explanations for something like an unread text message, and depending on the day, how bad a mood we are in, or how we are generally feeling about ourselves, can have a tendency to derive a narrative that feeds into our worst fears and most limiting beliefs. Cue fretting that your friend is angry at you, your crush has lost interest, or there’s been some kind of terrible accident.

Communication is confusing at the best of times, and then when you add technology into the mix, it’s easy to feel lost.

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The first thing that I want to make you conscious of is ‘the spotlight effect’. This is the psychological phenomenon that explains why we fall into the habit of taking everything personally, or view things from the angle of everything revolving around us, because we cannot exist outside of ourselves. It’s the way that we can be so conscious of how others perceive us, like we’re in a constant spotlight, when, in reality, most people are more preoccupied with themselves.

When it comes to being left on read, there is a possibility that the person you are texting is simply busy, overwhelmed, or that they reply to you at the same pace as the other people in their life – slowly. While it can be hard not to jump to conclusions, try to pause for a moment to acknowledge that it might not be personal. As I say in my book, Bad Friend: “Adult friendship is hard, because we are all tired,” and while it is frustrating to wait three to five business days for a response, it’s important to recognise that we all have other priorities and responsibilities.

Part of learning to not take offence to being left on read is recognising and respecting boundaries, as it’s only a recent evolution to expect 24/7 access to someone. When it comes to unanswered text messages, it can be easy to think, ‘They’re always on their phone, so they must be actively ignoring me,’ but we’ve all had moments where we’ve been distracted and forgotten to reply.

The more controversial thing to flag is that there will be a priority order of the people in your life – and we all have a finite amount of time and energy to connect each day. So, just like you might have others who you’d prioritise over them when you have a minute to check in, you might not always come at the top of their list either.

With these boundaries, it’s worth remembering that just because you send a message doesn’t mean you’re owed an instant reply, and just because someone is calling, doesn’t mean you have to pick up.

You’re allowed to determine who has access to you, and others are allowed boundaries around when you can access them.

@MICHELLELELMAN

Ghosting is symptomatic of a culture that shies away from the hard conversations, but it can be cruel and cowardly

If, however, you notice a pattern of constant delays in replying, or having to chase for a response full stop, and feel like it’s affecting your relationship, then you are also entitled to boundaries and can communicate that. Doing so might feel intimidating, but it doesn’t need to be a massive conflict; it can be as simple as saying ‘Hey! I respect you like space from your phone, but I’d really appreciate it if you could acknowledge my messages even with a quick emoji, especially when I’m arranging an event.’

I personally had this experience with a friend where, to this day,

my texts can be left for weeks. We have been friends for more than a decade, and she was a bad texter the day I met her – so, ultimately, it would be a bit silly to still be upset over it years later. I either had to accept her for who she is, or end the relationship because it was incompatible. And while it might sound silly to some to end a friendship over this, if you view it as a disparity in communication styles, and it leaves you feeling frustrated, unseen, or unappreciated, this is a perfectly valid reason why a relationship might not work out. We can’t force people to change if they don’t want

to, and if you have communicated that their behaviour is something that upsets you and nothing changes, as we say in life coaching, you have three options: accept it, change it, or suffer.

Of course, there are times when slow replies aren’t a character trait, but seemingly an intentional, subtle way of ghosting, or gradually distancing themselves.

If this happens, call it out. Sending a text like ‘Hey! I’ve noticed you haven’t replied a few times, and wanted to check if we’re OK? If I’ve done something to upset you, I’d love to know,’ will help clarify it, and if they still don’t respond then you have to ask yourself if you would like someone in your life who can’t communicate when they have an issue. Ghosting is symptomatic of a culture that shies away from the hard conversations, but it can be cruel and cowardly, and if someone doesn’t have the respect to end a relationship, then that’s not a relationship I would want anyway!

‘Bad Friend: Why Friendship Breakups Hurt and How to Heal’

by Michelle Elman is out now (Renegade Books, £20) happiful.com | Issue 99 | 69

Baked to perfection Level up your hosting this summer with this delicious orange and almond cake Writing | Alex Allan

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f you’re hosting a summer event, whether it’s a barbecue or summer party, it can be quite daunting to cater for other people’s dietary requirements – from being gluten-free to lactose intolerant. But fear not! This delicious cake makes a perfect centrepiece for any summer event, and it has the added benefit of being naturally gluten and dairy-free. This means that everyone can have their cake and eat it too, regardless of dietary needs.

food & health

Valencia orange and almond cake Ingredients (serves 12) • 3 medium Valencia oranges • 6 eggs (yolks and whites separated) • 150g honey • 1 tsp vanilla extract • 265g ground almonds • ½ tsp ground cardamon • Pinch of salt • 2 tsp gluten-free baking powder • 4–6 tbs flaked almonds To Serve • Coconut yoghurt or crème fraiche

Method • Grease and line a 23cm springform cake tin.

• Wash the oranges and pop them in a pan. Cover fully with water and bring to the boil, then simmer gently for 2 hours or until very soft. Keep an eye on the water level.

• Drain the oranges and leave to cool completely.

• Preheat the oven to 160°C (fan oven), or 180°C (conventional oven).

• Chop up the oranges (skin and all), remove any seeds, and put the rest into the blender. Blitz to a puree, and put to one side.

• In a clean bowl, whisk the egg whites until they form stiff peaks.

• In another bowl, beat the egg yolks with the honey and vanilla until fully combined. Stir in the pureed oranges.

• Fold in the ground almonds, ground cardamon, a pinch of salt, and baking powder.

• Gently fold in a couple of spoonfuls of the whisked egg whites before folding in the rest of the egg whites. Try not to overmix it.

• Pour the batter into the prepared tin. Sprinkle the top with the flaked almonds.

• Bake for 60 minutes or until a skewer comes out clean. If the cake starts to brown too quickly, then cover with foil for the remaining time.

• Allow the cake to cool in the tin for at least 30 minutes, as it will be too fragile try to remove at this point.

• Leave to completely cool on a wire rack. Serve in slices with coconut yoghurt or crème fraiche.

The healthy bit Using ground almonds is an excellent alternative to glutencontaining flours, while keeping the cake moist and delicious.

The addition of 265g of ground almonds in this recipe provides you with nearly 60g of protein, helping to balance the sugars of the oranges and honey, which will, in turn, support in balancing your blood sugar and keep you feeling fuller for longer. Almonds are also a great source of healthy fats, as well as essential nutrients such as vitamin E, magnesium, and calcium.

Oranges are a great source of vitamin C, which humans need

to get daily from their diet, as we are not able to store it. As a potent antioxidant, vitamin C supports the immune system, protects cells from free radicals, and helps the body to absorb iron. So, this would be the perfect dessert after a BBQ! BBQ meat can be high in free radicals due to the high heat involved in the grilling process. Having a dessert high in antioxidants, such as those provided by the oranges, can help to neutralise those free radicals, limiting any damage done.

And the vitamin C will aid your absorption of all the lovely iron!

Finally, honey offers several benefits when used in cakes compared to sugar, primarily due to its moisture-retaining properties and unique flavour profile. It keeps cakes moist for longer, enhances texture, and contributes to a richer, deeper flavour. Additionally, honey is a natural sweetener with a slightly lower glycaemic index than sugar. If you use locally produced honey, it may even help to relieve some hay fever symptoms in summer months! There is no scientific evidence to support this, but, anecdotally, many people report relief from hay fever symptoms after consuming local honey.

Alex Allan is a registered nutritional therapist, health coach and lecturer at the University of Northampton. Visit Nutritionist Resource for more. happiful.com | Issue 99 | 71

Summer has filled her veins with light and her heart is washed with noon C Day Lewis

Photography | Territory

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Happiful reads...

From a memoir about the inspirational founder of Parkrun, to a guide on how to grow a climate resilient garden, put these fantastic finds on your reading radar Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

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f you haven’t done a parkrun before, you’d almost certainly have heard about it, or know someone who does it. A free event that takes place at your local park every Saturday, parkruns give adults, families, and children the opportunity

One Small Step: The Definitive Account of a Run That Became a Global Movement

by Paul Sinton-Hewitt

to routinely prioritise physical activity, by running or walking 5K – with no pressure.

But behind every successful initiative is an individual full of determination and hope to make it what it is today. In this case, that’s Paul Sinton-Hewitt, and this

is his story about how, during a time of great difficulty and a need for connection, he turned one local run into a global movement that continues to connect millions of people today.

Dear Minnie: Conversations with Remarkable Mothers by Stacey Dooley Journalist Stacey Dooley is widely known for giving a voice to marginalised people, but she stays closer to home with her latest quest to shine a spotlight on mothers. Her book is a moving compilation of letters written by various mothers to their children, each on their own unique motherhood journeys.

What Writers Read: 35 Writers on their Favourite Book by Pandora Sykes We all have a book that inspired us and made us dream big, even our favourite authors. In this pocket-sized book, written in aid of supporting the National Literacy Trust, 35 beloved authors share what their favourite books are, along with how those books have helped them to become the writers they are today.

Must reads What to Grow for a Climate Resilient Garden

by Dr Amanda Rasmussen and the RHS This gardening book is not your ordinary one; it’s a guide that captures the timely nature of our ever-changing climate.

Garden artisans can benefit from this book by learning about how to maintain a thriving garden with plants that can survive climate changes.

happiful.com | Issue 99 | 73

The reality of grief Intensity

What people think grief looks like

Time

Intensity

What grief actually looks like

Time 74 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

relationships

8 reasons to try

couples therapy What if there was a way to improve your connection and communication within your relationship before a crisis hits? Couples therapy could be the answer...

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

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hen you hear ‘couples therapy’, what do you think of? Chances are, you picture a scene from the movies: something reserved for married couples on the brink of divorce. Yet, in reality, it can help couples of all types, with a huge variety of goals and reasons to seek support in strengthening their connection.

While nobody likes to think that their relationship could do with a little outside help, research suggests that couples therapy really does work. A 2023 survey

by Verywell Mind revealed that, despite only 37% of those surveyed having been to couples therapy, an overwhelming 99% of couples in therapy found that it had a positive impact on their connection, with 83% saying therapy was a priority in their relationship.

The main misconception that needs addressing is that you don’t need to wait for something to be ‘wrong’ to go to couples therapy; it’s not a sign that your bond is breaking if you seek

support or want to proactively nurture it. So, here we’re sharing eight effective reasons why you might want to give couples therapy a try, and reap the relationship rewards.

You want to rediscover how to connect with your partner

Relationships often begin with a strong sense of connection – it’s what draws us to each other. But when initial feelings of excitement and passion begin to settle, and months turn into years, it can feel like our connection may have weakened, perhaps things feel a little ‘stagnant’, or maybe you’re facing new challenges all together. Working with a counsellor can provide the space to reconnect with your partner, strengthen ties, and work towards better communication and intimacy. Rather than just ‘existing’ in your relationship day-to-day, you’re devoting the time and energy into nurturing it, and each other.

What is couples therapy?

Couples therapy is a tool to help you make changes and find resolutions as a pair. A qualified couples therapist can introduce you to new ways to communicate better, as well as help you work together to uncover solutions to issues you might be facing. Going to couples therapy won’t magically give you all the answers, but it can help you figure out what questions to ask each other, and how to work out a resolution together.

You want to reflect on past events (and how they’re affecting your relationship now)

Sometimes, events from our past are just that – memories we can look back on fondly when reminiscing. Other times, we simply try to move on from the moment, without considering how the experience may have truly affected us – or our >>> happiful.com | Issue 99 | 75

relationships – and what impact it can have moving forward.

If you’re worried that a past event might be impacting you here and now, having the opportunity to discuss it with someone could give you the much-needed space for contemplation, a chance to discover how to move on, and the ability to avoid feeling stuck in place, reliving (or being haunted by) old memories.

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You want to communicate in a more constructive way

Healthy, constructive communication is the cornerstone of all kinds of relationships, including romantic ones. How and when we communicate, and our clarity, can all have a bigger impact than we might realise – and in long-term relationships, this might be something we take for granted, or fall into bad habits with. A really useful benefit of

relationships

therapy is that it can introduce us to new ways of communicating, with exercises that help us learn how to both talk and listen to each other more effectively – and it’s likely something you’ll find yourselves practising outside the therapy room as well.

You want to figure out why arguments are escalating – and what to do about them

Breakdowns in communication and unresolved issues can result in arguments. Sometimes, when one partner feels unheard, it can feel like the same issues are cropping up again and again, which can lead to growing feelings of frustration, resentment, and eventual ‘blow ups’.

If you aren’t sure why arguments are starting to escalate in your relationship, or if you keep circling back to the same issues without feeling able to move forward, therapy can provide a judgement-free place to discuss these issues, and find alternative ways of expressing your frustrations, without brushing arguments under the carpet.

You want to have a big conversation, but aren’t sure where to start

Financial worries, family conflicts, jealousy, problems in the bedroom – all of these can feel like big, intimidating issues to bring up; knowing how to get started can feel impossible.

Worrying about the potential for conflict and misunderstanding can also make the idea of even approaching bigger conversations feel that much more daunting.

But having a safe, neutral setting, with an unbiased professional overseeing the conversation, can allow you to facilitate big conversations in a healthy way.

You’re worried that you are growing apart

We all change and grow over time. Our goals shift as we age, as can what we want from life.

But that doesn’t mean that we are outgrowing our relationships – just that we might need to consider how we continue to make time for each other, find new ways to foster our sense of connection, or start to see growth in our relationships as well as in ourselves. You might not always feel comfortable bringing this up in day-to-day discussions, but the benefit of couples therapy is that you have a prime opportunity to focus on what kind of future you want to work towards together, ensuring that neither of you feels left behind.

You want to redistribute the workload and make things more equitable

There is a never-ending list of responsibilities that seems to only grow as you build a life together as a couple. While some chores, like who does the laundry, can be easier to see, track, and appreciate, other unseen responsibilities can start to take their toll, and may result in one or both of you feeling like your workload isn’t split fairly.

Emotional labour can often involve a lot of unseen and unacknowledged stress, time, and mental bandwidth that both

Rather than just ‘existing’ in your relationship, you’re devoting time and energy into nurturing it, and each other partners may not be aware of – even if it feels obvious to the one taking on the additional load.

Therapy can provide the space to talk through anything – whether it seems big or small – helping to identify the underlying, deeper dynamics, and address how these things make you both feel in order to move forward.

You want to future-proof your relationship

Couples therapy isn’t just about addressing worries or problems you’re already experiencing; it’s about helping to prevent future ones. It can help guide you towards identifying what matters the most in your relationship, figuring out how to avoid or cope with unexpected (or expected) big life events, and navigate through life changes together.

Every couple deserves the chance to thrive, not just survive.

Investing in your relationship through therapy can help you reconnect, communicate, and face the future together. No matter where you are in your journey together, it’s never too early – or too late – to start making things even better. happiful.com | Issue 99 | 77

How to adjust to having a pet Many of us can’t picture our days without a furry friend by our side, but the truth is that having a pet can change your life in ways you don’t expect. Here’s how to navigate the transition…

Writing | Caroline Butterwick

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y cat is meowing on the landing, and over the past few months I’ve come to learn that this is his way of summoning me to hang out with him in the lounge. A former stray, it’s been a joy to see him transform from an anxious, mucky cat to one who curls up on my lap and demands to be brushed.

But, it has also taken a lot to adjust to the change in a way I didn’t quite expect. Even though I had a cat while growing up, welcoming him into my home as an adult was a learning

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Illustrating | Rosan Magar

curve, from the practical side of looking after a living creature to the emotional rollercoaster that has come with having a cat with health problems. So, here we’re sharing some effective ways to help you adjust when welcoming an animal into your life.

Research and plan

“‘Research, research, research’ is the best way to go,” advises psychotherapist Marian Holmes. “Make sure you know what you’re getting into, as far as you can, before you start.” This includes

understanding the practicalities of looking after a particular animal – from their diet to how much attention they need.

Although every pet is unique, charities like Blue Cross (bluecross. org.uk) have useful information about a range of animals, including cats, dogs, ferrets, hamsters, and rabbits. Timing can be important, too. If you have a holiday coming up, Marian recommends waiting until you return before getting a pet, so you’ll bond better, as well as minimise distress and disruption.

Fitting with your lifestyle

Think about what you want from being a pet parent. “For example, you may want a dog for quiet company and cuddles, in which case, a

lively collie probably won’t work!” says Marian. With that in mind, consider how the pet will fit in with your lifestyle, and with anyone else in your household.

If you’re someone who’s out a lot during the day, will your pet be anxious or lonely? If you go away a lot, who will look after them? Do you love the idea of taking a dog for a long walk each morning, or does that fill you with dread? Be honest with yourself about how you feel, and what’s realistic.

Understand the financial pressure

Take the time to factor in the cost of vaccinations, food, insurance, and pet-sitting services. Consider how you will approach unexpected vet bills too, and know that you can’t always predict exactly how much a pet will cost. My cat gave me some eyewatering vet bills early on, before I could get his treatment covered. The relatively inexpensive cat food I’d budgeted for soon got replaced by a special diet. When you plan financially, prepare for things to be higher than you expected – and be clear with yourself about what you can, or can’t, afford. It’s worth knowing that there are charities such as the PDSA who can help with vet care, depending on the circumstances.

Managing emotions

“Having a pet will probably be stressful for everyone at some point,” says Marian. This can be everything from worrying about their health to dealing

In the first few weeks of having my cat, I wondered if this new way of living would ever feel normal.

I didn’t want to admit it, but I felt overwhelmed with behaviour we might find difficult. “If it’s stressful for the human, it will be stressful for the pet too, as that will easily transfer. Use every resource you can find to get advice, share your worries, and find real-life groups that you can spend time with, people who have had experience of what you’re going through.

Friends and family can also be a useful resource, especially if they have experience and are willing or able to help out practically.”

Give yourself time

In the first few weeks of having my cat, I wondered if this new

way of living would ever feel normal. I didn’t want to admit it, but I felt overwhelmed. The weight of being responsible for a living, feeling creature was a lot, and there were times when even just leaving the house for half an hour felt hard.

Sensing how I was feeling, a friend said: “I felt the same in the first few weeks we had our cats – I wondered whether I’d made the right decision having them. But now I can’t imagine life without them.” And now, I completely get this. It did get easier. I learnt more about him and his personality, he’s settled in, we’ve established routines, and we’ve bonded. He is a part of my life in a wonderful way. Hopefully, with these tips, you can feel better prepared when deciding if the time is right to bring a pet into your world, too. happiful.com | Issue 99 | 79

Spotlight on stigma

Shining a light on the insidious impact of stigma to uncover its real-world effects, and the part in plays it perpetuating mental health issues themselves Writing | Rosie Cappuccino

A ‘

m I going to be seen as less capable of doing my job if I disclose my diagnosis at work?’ ‘Will a friend think twice about our friendship if I tell them about my mental health issues?’

If you experience mental health problems, then you’re probably no stranger to asking yourself questions like these, but what’s underpinning them is stigma.

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You might not even notice it on a conscious level, it’s just lurking there in the shadows, impacting decisions and actions on a day-today basis. And while, collectively, we have a general awareness that stigma exists, have you ever stopped to really think about its deep and harrowing impact, or paused to reflect on how much it actually affects yours and others’ lives?

What is stigma?

People experiencing mental health issues often face two layers of challenge: the first being the mental health problem itself, and second is the associated stigma.

In a recent report on attitudes towards mental illness, Mind describes stigma as “made up of problems of knowledge, attitude, and behaviour”. One of

wellbeing

the most famous descriptions, by sociologist Erving Goffman, relates stigma to “an attribute that is deeply discrediting”. More recently, researchers, in the Journal of Evaluation in Clinical Practice, described stigma as comprising components such as “labelling, negative stereotyping, linguistic separation, and power asymmetry”.

Essentially, what it boils down to in this context is someone holding negative perceptions, and beliefs, against a person due to their mental health condition, which ultimately leads to discrimination.

And, more often than not, stigma is based on misinformation, misconceptions, prejudice, and stereotypes.

Therapist Tina Chummun believes that “misunderstanding and misconceptions” arise because “many people simply lack education and awareness about mental health conditions”.

She describes stigma as “reflecting unresolved fears projected onto others”. When we encounter someone struggling, she says, “it activates our own neural patterns around our discomfort, helplessness, or confusion”.

Mental health related-stigma today Mind’s 2024 report evidences a combination of positive and negative shifts in mental health stigma in England. While efforts have been made to normalise discussions, it says that “mental health-related knowledge and intended behaviour towards people with mental health

problems” have, unfortunately, regressed to the levels they were at in 2009. Additionally, attitudes towards mental illness have partially regressed to 2014 levels.

This is likely linked to reduced trust in community mental health support, rather than an increase in “exclusionary or prejudicial attitudes”.

There is some positive news though. Attitudes in the workplace have “improved significantly” since 2015, in “both perceived and actual stigma”. Additionally, the gap between conditions which tend to be less stigmatised – such as depression – and those which are often more stigmatised – like schizophrenia – is narrowing.

Stigma in real life The words ‘discredited’ and ‘tainted’, in Goffman’s definition, resonate with me. About 10 years ago, I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (BPD) and it remains one of the most misunderstood – and highly contested – diagnoses.

“Stigma isn’t evenly distributed,” says Tina. “Conditions like anxiety and depression are now more socially accepted, because they align with our narratives of vulnerability and stress in a modern world. But diagnoses like BPD, schizophrenia, or dissociative disorders, carry heavier social judgements.”

I’ve been labelled as a timewaster or an attention seeker when asking for support – people say: “You’re fine, don’t be so dramatic.” In the face of this dismissal, it was challenging for me to find the resilience to ask for help again in the future. As Tina points out, stigma can leave individuals “disconnected from the very support systems they need”. The most common reaction I receive when speaking openly about my mental health problems though is surprise. People say: “But you’re so calm, I would never have guessed!” It makes me feel uneasy, as if people are still buying into the stereotypes of how mental health problems present, or who can experience them.

As a teacher, I’ve worried that speaking openly could make others view me as less capable.

Although attitudes in workplaces are improving according to Mind, a YouGov poll shows that almost a quarter of UK adults said that they would ‘reconsider’ using the professional services of a “doctor, nurse, teacher, police officer, etc.” if they knew they had a diagnosis of mental illness. Stigma leaves individuals feeling unsafe to bring their ‘full selves’ to work, as well as less able to request reasonable adjustments. >>> happiful.com | Issue 99 | 81

Stigma fuels shame, shame fuels disconnection, and disconnection fuels worsening mental health

Stigma feeds shame As Tina describes, mental health stigma can cause isolation, or people to limit their social interactions. “People living with more stigmatised conditions often feel profoundly invalidated, not heard or seen.”

For me, stigma is at its messiest and most complex in social situations. In newer friendships, where trust is still growing, I get stuck between my need to feel authentic, and deeprooted embarrassment. While I know, rationally, that mental health problems don’t make me shameful – and neither does talking about them – when I sense someone’s discomfort, I feel exposed and raw. According to the YouGov poll shared by Rethink, 35% of UK adults said “they would reconsider becoming someone’s friend if they had a diagnosis 82 | Issue 99 | happiful.com

of severe mental illness”. In the early stages of friendship, I feel particularly vulnerable, and it can be hard to know when, or how much, to open up. This, in itself, can be a barrier to real support and connection.

Tina Chummun notes the impact of this ‘vicious loop’: “Stigma fuels shame, shame fuels disconnection, and disconnection fuels worsening mental health.”

When I speak about my mental health problems and am met non-judgementally, however, my shame dissolves. The acceptance opens up space for connection and belonging. I feel relief that I no longer need to hide part of myself – I’m free to bring my ‘whole self’ to the relationship.

Appreciating honesty All of us have a part to play when it comes to reducing stigma. Here are a few signposts paving the way to a more respectful mental health landscape: • Speak about differences in a non-judgemental way. How do you speak about someone whose lived experience is different to yours? How do you react to something you don’t immediately understand? It’s important to try to remain curious and gentle, rather than withdrawing or being judgemental. It’s OK not to know everything, but you can still approach dialogue with respect, empathy, and an open mind.

• Consider your language. Be aware of phrases and words that can be demeaning or stigmatising, and consciously try to be sensitive to this. You might want to look up advice on various charity sites, pay attention to the vocabulary used when a person is speaking about their own health, or ask directly to respect their preferences.

• Be reflective and self-aware.

In a conversation, there should be balance – if someone is exerting power over you, it can be demeaning and dismissive.

In an open conversation, without stigma, you both should be able to ask for clarification when needed, and stay present even if things feel complex.

Stigma can be invasive and isolating, but displaying more accepting and understanding behaviours yourself, and seeking these in others, can help to break down those barriers. It’s truly life-changing to find someone you can trust with vulnerable parts of yourself – and you fully deserve that, no strings or stigma attached.

Rosie Cappuccino writes and speaks about her life with BPD, and is the author of ‘Talking About BPD: A Stigma-Free Guide to Living a Calmer, Happier Life with Borderline Personality Disorder’. Visit her blog talkingaboutbpd.co.uk

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