Happiful Issue 73

Why

Photograph | Jonathan Borba

“Be curious, not judgemental

Music to your ears

I’ve always heard that dogs are creatures of habit but, recently, my dog’s body clock seems to be running in a unique time zone. We spent a weekend by the Welsh coast, and by 4am he was bouncing around, eager to explore outside, and convinced it was time for breakfast.

However, standing outside in the drizzle before sunrise offered a surprising gift: a moment of unexpected serenity.

The world was quiet, except for the rhythmic lapping of the waves against the shore, accompanied by the soft patter of the rain around me, and a hint of birdsong on the horizon.

It was a rare sound, for me. No hum of electricity in the air, or cars trundling to work. Just nature’s steady heartbeat waking up with the day, setting me up as well, with a deep sense of peace as I felt at one with the world around me –despite the early hour.

Sounds like this are known for their powerful effects on our psyches – from background static helping some people drift off, to raindrops on a rooftop improving concentration – but it’s a tool we may take for granted. Our feature on p28 explores how we can all make the most of soothing sounds, and uncover the natural music that resonates most with us.

And when it comes to working on our wellness, we explore how to make it accessible for all, including image-free thinkers on p17, and unravel how to stop the spread of secondhand stress on p78. Plus, on p72, our expert columnist shares four questions to help unlock your ikigai – or ‘reason for being’.

As an added bonus, our print-exclusive journaling pages take a look at how we can reclaim our space – physically, mentally, and emotionally – to ensure it’s serving us in the best way possible.

In essence, we’re striving to help you build a personal bubble that boosts your wellness – taking stock of the world around you and its impact, both negative and positive. Because, amongst life’s many challenges, you deserve a quiet moment to recharge your soul.

So, close your eyes. Take a deep breath, and really listen. The answers you’ve been looking for might have been there all along.

Happy reading,

At Happiful, inclusivity, representation, and creating a happier, healthier society are at the forefront of our mission. To find out more about our social and environmental pledges, visit happiful.com/pledges

Your way forward

Positive pointers

22 Into the unknown Michelle Elman on the joy of taking a step off the familiar path

32 Cyrpto consequences

What’s the impact on the environment?

36 Feeling stuck?

Our expert shares advice for when it feels like you’re not progressing

64 Turn up the heat

A guide to growing chillies

83 Reclaim your space

Journaling to help you declutter, mentally, physically, and emotionally

Wellbeing

17 Are your thoughts image-free?

If so, you may have aphantasia

20 Productivity with ADHD

How to work your way

25 Signs of passive aggression

34 Harness your anger for good

66 The healthy way to WFH

What to do if you struggle with depression

*Expert review

Every issue of Happiful is reviewed by an accredited counsellor, to ensure we deliver the highest quality content while handling topics sensitively.

There are many paths in life we can choose, and they present in all shapes and sizes, often catching us by surprise. On occasion, you may find yourself on a path that no longer feels like it fits. This is normal, and it’s positive that you’ve noticed. Head to p22 for some insight on how to make sense of this experience. Although it may feel unsettling, it’s an ideal opportunity to reflect on yourself and explore what does fit with you. In time, you will find a place of comfort, as you become more accustomed to this new part of you.

RAV SEKHON

BA MA MBACP (Accred)

Rav is a counsellor and psychotherapist with more than 10 years' experience.

Happiful Community

Meet the team of experts providing information, guidance, and insight throughout this issue

Our team

EDITORIAL

Rebecca Thair | Editor-in-Chief

Kathryn Wheeler | Features Editor

Lauren Bromley-Bird | Editorial Assistant

Bonnie Evie Gifford, Kat Nicholls | Senior Writers

Becky Banham | Content & Marketing Officer

Michelle Elman, Kieran Townsend | Columnists

KIERAN TOWNSEND

BA (Hons) Dip. NLP AC MHFA

Kieran is a youth development coach and mentor.

KATE KILBY

BA Dip EMCC EIA

Kate is a coach, helping women find confidence and self-compassion.

NAS BROWN

MSc DClinPsy DrESTI NLP CBT EFT

Nas is a life coach, body language expert and psychodynamic specialist.

LAMINN-THAYNT MCMAHON

BA (Hons) DipION ITEC Dip.

Laminn is a nutritionist, helping people improve their wellbeing.

ELISABETH CARLSSON

BA Hons DipNTCNM

Elisabeth is a nutritional therapist, specialising in thyroid and women’s health.

ALEXIS PFEIFFER

BA (Hons) MBACP (Accred)

Alexis is an integrative counsellor specialising in relationships.

Lucy Donoughue | Head of Multimedia

Ellen Lees | Head of Content

Natalie Holmes | Sub-Editor

Rav Sekhon | Expert Advisor

ART & DESIGN

Amy-Jean Burns | Head of Product & Marketing

Charlotte Reynell | Creative Lead

Rosan Magar | Illustrator

COMMUNICATIONS

Alice Greedus | PR Manager

CONTRIBUTORS

Abi Lemon, Emmie Harrison-West, Gemma Calvert, Paul Matson, Richard Sayell, Steven Murdoch, Elisabeth Carlsson, Caroline Butterwick, Kate Kilby

SPECIAL THANKS

Nas Brown, Laminn-Thaynt McMahon, Alexis Pfeiffer, Giles Williams, Sean Mbaya, Kathleen Moroney, Dr Emilia Molimpakis, Dr Hana Patel, Aaron Horn, Paulina Trevena, Dr Elena Touroni

MANAGEMENT

Aimi Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

Emma Hursey | Director & Co-Founder

Paul Maunders | Director & Co-Founder

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CRISIS SUPPORT

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Call Samaritans on 116 123 or email them at jo@samaritans.org

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One undeniable truth is that finding the right help for each individual is a journey – what works for one of us will be different for someone else. But don't feel disheartened if you haven't found your path yet. Our Happiful family can help you on your way. Bringing together various arms of support, each of our sister sites focuses on a different method of nourishing your wellbeing – from counselling, to hypnotherapy, nutrition, coaching, and holistic therapy. Download our free Happiful app for more.

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Illustration | Rosan Magar

The Uplift

TikTok introduces one-hour limit for teens

If you haven’t experienced it first-hand, you’ve probably still heard a lot about TikTok and its unstoppable rise to become one of the most used social media apps today. And while time spent on such apps can be fun, healthy, and even a source of connection and knowledge, knowing when enough is enough isn’t always easy – especially for teens.

In response to growing concerns about young people’s relationship with technology and social media, TikTok has announced that under-18s will be limited to one hour of use on the app per day.

Although the time restriction can be switched ‘off’ by changing the settings, it will be ‘on’ as a default for all accounts registered to users under the age of 18, and it’s hoped that the prompt will make closing the app, and picking up something else, easier for young people – as well as giving them more

awareness about the amount of time that they are spending on it each day. In addition, those who do opt out of the limit, but go on to spend more than 100 minutes a day on the app, will receive a prompt to set their own screentime control limits.

TikTok runs on an algorithm that works hard to maintain users’ attention for as long as possible,

and which provides them with a constantly refreshing timeline of new and exciting content based on their interests, so it’s easy to see why anyone might struggle to tap out of it. But small steps like this one, alongside much larger conversations about the role tech plays in young people’s lives, could make a big difference.

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Struggling with brain fog? You’re not alone

Are you finding it difficult to concentrate, thinking at a glacial pace, and having thoughts fuzzier than a kiwi fruit? Along with its forgetful friend memory loss, brain fog is more prevalent in young people than ever before.

Commissioned by FutureYou Cambridge, a study surveyed those aged 18–34, with seven in 10 reportedly suffering from brain fog. In fact, 54% also feel their memory has got worse in the past two years, finding tasks (27%) and general details (25%) particularly tricky.

SCIENCE

According to Aiden Goggins, pharmacist and nutritionist who sits on the Advisory Board of FutureYou Cambridge, this research demonstrates the ‘mind wandering phenomenon’. “This is where the hyperstimulation and increased demands in our lives actually cause us to suffer more cognitive failures,” he explains. But, the good news is, there are ways we can combat mind wandering and brain fog – and Aidan has several tips, including reducing your time scrolling on social media – perhaps by setting

Whentwo minds become one…

There are numerous studies that suggest we are able to synchronise our breathing patterns and heart rates with those around us, so is it really too far-fetched to assume that we can also synchronise our brain activity? Apparently not, as new research implies we can…

In a study published in the journal Neurophotonics, researchers found that our brains can work in harmony with one another when collaborating on a task, with key regions of our brain synchronising.

The study consisted of 39 pairs of volunteers, who were asked to design and furnish the interior of a virtual room together, via a computer game, until it was satisfactory for both participants. Throughout the task, their brain

activity and eye contact were monitored and, remarkably, neuron populations within one brain were activated in the other participant’s brain during the task, suggesting that the two brains were functioning as a single system for problem-solving. Between-brain synchronisations were found to be active in the superior/middle temporal regions of the brain, including parts of the prefrontal cortex (known for supporting cognitive control), and were strongest when one of the individuals looked at the other. Psychologist Yasuyo Minagawa, who led the study, said: “These phenomena are consistent with the notion of a ‘we-mode’, in which interacting agents share

app limits or replacing scrolling with reading a page of a book, and spending time in nature.

He also recommends having a clear disconnect from the workplace (especially if you work from home), and also putting your phone in a different room to where you sleep, so you’re not lured back in when you need to rest.

Brain fog can be a really unpleasant experience. But remember, you’re not alone, and there are things that we can do to lift the haze.

Writing | Kat Nicholls

their minds in a collective fashion, and facilitate interaction by accelerating access to the other’s cognition.”

Perhaps teamwork really can make the dream work.

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

ANIMALS

Foster cats are living happily ever after

At any one time, Cats Protection has thousands of cats and kittens in their care. But not all of them stay in centres. Across the country, volunteers foster these felines, taking them into their own homes to care for them before they are adopted.

One volunteer, Eric Kalnins, a retired mental health nurse from Stoke-onTrent, has been going the extra mile for the cats he cares for, and has discovered a novel way to entertain them: reading them books.

“Reading seems to get the cats familiar with my voice, and, once adjusted, they seem to relax. Nothing is more rewarding than a cat feeling ‘secure’ enough to recline on my lap,” Eric says. “I am not, historically, the most confident of people, so to speak out loud helps me to express myself more ably and clearly.”

Most recently, Eric has been reading Charles Dickens’ Barnaby Rudge to foster cat Fluffy. “I try to spend two hours a day with my foster cats, so once I have fed them, cleaned up any doings, and fussed them, I will grab my Kindle and we are away.”

Over the past four years, Eric has fostered more than 60 cats. “On retiring, I found myself a little lost for meaning to my life, and volunteering for Cats Protection has, to a large degree, filled that gap,” Eric explains. “I find it gives me purpose, which I think is essential for anybody’s wellbeing.”

Interested in fostering cats? Visit cats.org.uk to learn more

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Take 5

Allow yourself a peaceful moment to enjoy some puzzling fun

Wordsnake

Try this variation on a classic wordsearch. Instead of being in straight lines, words are spelled out in winding paths, with each letter following the one before either horizontally or vertically – no diagonals here. Start with the bold letter and complete the whole grid!

Hint: flowers

Anagrams

Can you unscramble the names of the cities jumbled up below?

STROBIL

GEL SLOANES

UNSOOTH DUCKLANA

AUBINE ROSES

Britain’s greenhouse gas emissions fell by 3.4% in 2022, largely thanks to a 15% reduction in coal use

The wellbeing wrap

A WALK ON THE WILD SIDE

Whether it’s the Big Garden Birdwatch, or regularly contributing to wildlife groups like iNaturalistUK, a new study has revealed that nature recording not only supports our local environment, but our wellbeing too! In the study, published in People and Nature, volunteers showed improved wellbeing scores, and reported stronger connections to nature. Plus, taking part in this citizen science increased the likelihood of doing more nature-based activities in future, such as creating shelters for creatures. A win all round!

NOT A STITCH UP

Chasing dreams

Polperro, in Cornwall, has been named the coolest place to live in the UK, according to a survey by Naturcan

Teddy Hobbs became Britain’s youngest Mensa member, at just three years old

A 32-year-old Spanish runner, Alex Rocha Campillo, made history and achieved his lifelong dream, when he became the first person with a 76% physical disability to complete a marathon! Speaking of the feat, Alex told El Mundo, “The limit is up to you, and if you want to achieve an objective, whatever difficulties you have, with attitude, willpower, perseverance and resilience, you can achieve everything you propose.”

Dubbed the ‘Queen of Knitting’, 93-year-old Margaret Seaman, from Norfolk, spent six months creating a 6ft replica of Buckingham Palace – entirely out of wool!

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH...

It seems we’re all too eager to share a story to check if it’s actually true –on social media at least. A recent study in Science Advances found that, while spreading misinformation might be unintentional, many of us are too distracted on platforms like Facebook and Twitter to check how accurate the news we’re sharing is.

Foo Fighters frontman Dave Grohl spent 24 hours volunteering at a homeless shelter, Hope The Mission, in LA. He prepared and cooked a BBQ dinner for more than 500 people in need – and paid for it all. With reports suggesting volunteering reached a record low in the UK last year, acts of kindness like Dave’s will hopefully inspire more people to find ways to give back, however we can.

Something in the air

Vjiosa River, in Albania, becomes Europe’s first wild river national park

Inspiring future generations, 37-year-old Jason Arday recently became the youngest Black professor at Cambridge University - a feat made even more impressive when you learn about his background. Growing up in a council estate in Clapham, Jason was diagnosed with autism and global development delay at three, was unable to speak until 11, and couldn’t read or write until he was 18. In an interview with the Evening Standard, Jason explains how his mum had a wonderful idea, by “bringing language to life through music”.

EVERYONE HAS A PART TO PLAY

A promising discovery suggests a new source of clean energy could be created from thin air! It might sound like the stuff of science fiction, but the research, published in Nature, revealed that scientists were able to use a bacterial enzyme from our atmosphere that can conduct hydrogen, to create electricity. The process could be revolutionary in the fight against climate change. Students from Glen Lake Elementary School, in Minnesota, raised an astonishing $300,000 to buy disability-friendly playground equipment, ensuring every classmate could make the most of break time! From bake sales to approching local businesses, they wanted to address the lack of inclusivity head-on, and don’t intend to stop there. Their next goal? To raise funds for inclusive equipment in other schools, too.

What is fernweh?

Does your heart ache at the thought of not exploring the world? You may be experiencing fernweh

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

It’s a big, wide world out there. To put some numbers to just how big, we’re talking 326 million cubic miles of water, 57.5 million square miles of land, 1,187,049 mountains, 3.04 trillion trees, 8.7 million species, 195 countries, and more than 10,000 cities. How does all that make you feel? Awe-struck? Inspired? Or, perhaps a little melancholic as you yearn for far-flung places currently beyond your reach? If it’s the latter, the Germans have a word that encompasses that longing: fernweh.

Coming from the word ‘fern’, meaning ‘far’, and ‘weh’, meaning ‘pain’, fernweh describes a feeling which is the opposite of ‘homesickness’: a longing for travel. The word is thought to have first been used by Prince Hermann Ludwig Heinrich von Pückler-Muskau, who wrote about his travels around Europe and North Africa. In 1835, he penned The Penultimate Course of the World of Semilasso: Dream and Waking, where he reflected on how he doesn’t experience homesickness and, instead, suffers from fernweh.

Arguably, these days we may have it slightly harder than the Prince. On one hand, high-speed travel can take us globetrotting

in a matter of hours. But, with a constant feed of exciting new images of the most glorious places on Earth refreshing at the tap of a finger, it’s no wonder that our longing increases. From Instagram to Pinterest, we can find ourselves stumbling across the most wonderful places, fuelling our dreams and igniting our longing to travel the globe. In fact, social media plays such an important role in our desires that a survey of 78,994 people by travel dating website MissTravel found that 48% choose their travel destination based on what they see on Instagram, and 35% discover new places to visit from the app.

Outside the social media bubble, travel is a valuable tool for taking care of our mental health. It will likely come as no surprise that getting away, and going somewhere new, is linked to a reduction in stress. But, also, visiting awe-inspiring places can give us a great sense of our place on the Earth, helping us to break out of repetitive thought patterns that could be trapping us in difficult mental spaces. And learning about new cultures, customs, and ways of communicating with each other can support our sense

of connection with the global community while we’re away, and makes for stories to connect with the people in our lives when we return home.

And the perks of travel last longer than you may think. In fact, one study, published in the International Journal of Cross Cultural Management, looked at the influence of cultural exposure on our emotional intelligence. It found links between international travel and an enhanced sense of empathy, attention, energy, and focus.

All that said, the sad truth of the matter is that there are often barriers in place that mean that travel isn’t always possible. Finances, caring responsibilities, work commitments, health, along with a variety of other factors, mean that sometimes reality can scatter our dreams of exploring far-flung places, and bring us straight back down to earth. But that isn’t a bad place to be.

We won’t try to convince you that a trip to the local nature reserve is a replacement for, say, a visit to the Grand Canyon. But there are ways that we can reap some of the benefits of travel, and soothe our ache for new places, without having to go too far.

It may take a bit of research, but there are often hidden gems to uncover near us. One way to do this is to put the word out, and see what you get back. If you’re part of local Facebook groups, try asking people for their recommendations. Visit a library and see if they have any books on local history – they could contain fascinating, quirky tip-offs. Sites like walkingbritain.co.uk and visorando.com can help you find hiking routes nearby, and could be key to stumbling across awesome views through rolling countryside. And if you are set on turning your longing for a specific faroff place into a reality, you may be able to turn fernweh on its head by fully embracing it. A study from Cornell University looked into how even just the anticipation of an experience can substantially increase our

happiness. So, make some plans. We’re not talking about putting down payments or booking flights, if you’re not quite at that stage yet – instead, create vision boards that display beautiful photos of your destination. Tune-in to how you think you’re going to feel when you’re finally there, and add those words to your board. Journal about the trip, reflect on why this place has meaning to you, and how it will feel to finally get there. Hold on to those feelings of anticipation, and revisit your plans in daydreams and meditations.

With so much to offer us, it’s really no wonder that so many of us experience feelings of fernweh at the thought of all Earth’s offerings. But, often, that feeling is about more than just craving a holiday. Whether it’s a break from our routine, a new challenge, a fresh perspective, a personal mission, or a better sense of our place in the world, take a look at the needs you have going on below the surface. They could be trying to tell you about something else worth exploring.

48% of travellers choose their destination based on what they see on Instagram

It’s time to stop overthinking

10 transformative tips to put an end to the worry spiral

Become aware of your patterns and recognise when it happens.

Challenge your negative thoughts – are they hyperbolic, illogical, or catastrophic?

Find a distraction to redirect your energy and thoughts.

Practise mindfulness to help ground you.

Write your worries down –it’s easier to spot irrational thoughts this way.

Talk to someone. A fresh perspective could offer a big relief.

Flip the narrative by consciously focusing on what could go right.

Ask yourself what you can control, and what you can’t.

Have a dedicated ‘worry time’ so it doesn’t spiral into your whole day.

Remember, thoughts are not facts.

Aphantasia:

Aphantasia: are you an image-free thinker?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Iwas in a therapy session, and the therapist asked me to imagine something about my childhood. She asked me what I saw, and I just said, ‘Nothing’. Next, she said, ‘Have a look around you, what can you see?’ ‘Nothing’. She said to me, ‘If you try to imagine your mum’s face, can you see her?’ I said, ‘No’. And then she said, ‘Can you imagine an apple and turn it around in your head?’ At that point, I just burst out laughing.” Paulina Trevena is casting her mind back to 2018, when her therapist first suggested that she might have aphantasia.

Some people can voluntarily bring images to their minds, such as those of familiar faces, places, objects, or scenes based on descriptions. But others can’t,

and this inability to visualise, otherwise known as image-free thinking, is called aphantasia. It’s more common than you might think, and many people may unknowingly be aphantasic because, truth be told, it’s not often that we go around comparing the mechanisms of our thoughts to other people’s.

“I could not believe that other people see pictures in their heads – I just couldn’t fathom it!” Paulina says. “I remember, the next day, I put up a Facebook post saying: I have a question, can you guys imagine an apple, and turn it around in your head? Most people said yes, and I thought, OK, this is something real.”

Although it was only formally recognised by name in 2015, conversations around image

and image-free thinking date back to 340BC when Aristotle coined the term ‘phantasia’ in De Amina. He wrote, “Whenever one contemplates, one necessarily at the same time contemplates in images.” Far more recently, in 2009, neurologist Dr Adam Zeman saw a patient who could no longer imagine. The story attracted a lot of attention, and the encounter eventually led to the coining of the term ‘aphantasia’ eight years ago. Rather than classifying it as a ‘condition’ or a ‘disorder’, the Aphantasia Network defines it as a ‘variation in human experience’. That said, it can come with some challenges.

“I’m now 50, and I found out in my late 40s – I had gone through most of my life without realising that other people can visualise >>>

It’s a condition that affects 2-5% of the population, so what exactly is aphantasia, and how can it affect our ability to engage in wellness practices?

I could not believe that other people see pictures in their heads

To find out more about Paulina Trevena and her research, follow her on Twitter @paulina_trevena

and I can’t,” Paulina reflects. “I was successful at school and I worked as an academic for 18 years, so it never really affected me in terms of learning. At some point though, I realised that I have a pretty bad memory. I also discovered later on that I have ADHD and severely deficient autobiographical memory (SDAM), there’s very little I remember from the past and my childhood.

“I also have aphantasia across all senses, which means I can’t visualise, but I also can’t imagine sounds or touch – so I don’t have that way of retrieving memories to go back to. I only realised its impact when I started studying hypnosis a few years ago. The metaphors I was training in were highly visual. That’s when it sunk in that I could do a successful session for someone else using these methods, but if someone was using the same methods on me, I’m a lost cause, it just doesn’t work. So I realised that I’m a difficult hypnosis subject, and this led me on to my research.”

A social sciences academic turned hypnotherapist and mindset coach, Paulina set out to better understand how aphantasia affects people’s experiences of being hypnotised, with the goal of the project being to find a best practice for working with people with aphantasia. But Paulina also envisions the findings of this research spanning beyond

DO I HAVE APHANTASIA?

Because aphantasia isn’t a disorder, you won’t receive a diagnosis in the way you would with, for example, ADHD or autism spectrum disorder. But you can find tests, questionnaires, and resources to help you better understand your relationship with visualisation by visiting aphantasia.com

hypnotherapy and into other wellbeing practices, where visualisation is a go-to technique that could be making it harder for some people to engage.

I HAVE APHANTASIA AND WANT TO TRY WELLNESS TREATMENTS, WHAT DO I DO NEXT?

“Please do not focus on what you cannot do, and try to find methods that work for you,” Paulina advises. “Just experiment, because I think it’s easy to get discouraged, especially if people keep asking you to visualise things and you can’t, and everybody else can.”

If you are already working with a wellbeing practitioner – be that a counsellor, coach, hypnotherapist, or any other holistic practitioner – let them know that you cannot visualise, so that they’re aware that some of their techniques may not work for you.

“I would say another thing to do is to step away from this very logical way of understanding the word ‘see’ or ‘visualise’, because what I’ve found in the study is that if you change the language a bit, this already helps,” Paulina says. “So practitioners could say

‘imagine it any way you like’, or ‘feel into it’, or something more abstract than ‘see’ or ‘visualise’. Many of us are very analytical thinkers and are quite literal, so if you say ‘see’ we really try to see, but if you say ‘imagine any way you like’ then there’s more space there for us to play around with.”

Paulina also points to wellbeing practices that utilise the mindbody connection, like yoga or tai chi. With these activities, you can tune-in to the movement to get into a meditative state, rather than trying to visualise things that you can’t see. Ultimately, it’s about finding what works for you – and, as Paulina points out, there are sometimes links between aphantasia and other conditions such as ADHD and autism – so there will never be a one-size-fitsall answer.

A DIFFERENT WAY OF THINKING

Because aphantasia is not a disorder, and just another example of how some people see the world, there isn’t a ‘cure’, and there doesn’t really need to be. Instead, addressing the challenges that can sometimes come with aphantasia is far more about awareness, discussion, and a willingness to adapt wellness spaces when needed. Our minds are fascinating places, and learning more about how others interact with the world can open up a whole new level of opportunity.

positively How to be productive when you have ADHD

Discover a way of being productive that works for you

Writing | Abi Lemon

As an ADHD coach and positive psychology expert with an ADHD diagnosis, I see first-hand how ADHDers often know exactly what they need to do each day, but have difficulty staying motivated and managing their time effectively. Therefore, self-care gets neglected, and the to-do list is still just as overwhelmingly long at the end of the day.

Plus, with the long wait times for ADHD diagnosis and support, many people are finding ways to self-manage their ADHD symptoms – especially around staying productive. So, if that’s you, try these five tips for getting, and staying, positively productive with ADHD.

Plan your day

Whether you prefer to plan your day the night before or that morning, start by scheduling your breaks – time to go for a walk, have lunch, or go to the gym – before you schedule your work and other commitments. Prioritise these appointments with yourself and your productivity will thank you for it.

Create routines that work for you

ADHD brains thrive with routine and structure, but finding something that works for you, and sticking to it, can be tricky. Start with small things that make your life easier. Make your bed as soon as you get up, pack your bag the night before work, review your schedule in the evening and decide your priorities, don’t check your email first thing, and set alarms to remind you of tasks throughout the day.

Nourish yourself

Make sure you have nourishing food available throughout the day to avoid seeking out the dopamine rush of a Toffee Crisp at 3pm. Keep a big bottle of water with you, preferably where you can see it, so you don’t forget to hydrate. And remember to nourish your soul too, by taking time every day to do something that brings you joy.

Use positive psychology to boost your mood

Positive psychology, also known as the ‘science of happiness’, uses

evidence-based exercises that can help people learn to thrive. The right exercises can work brilliantly with ADHD brains too, especially if they trigger our dopamine pathways. See which exercise resonates for you, and give it a go:

• Gratitude journal. Make this easy for yourself by keeping the journal in full view on your nightstand so that you remember to write in it before you sleep. Write three specific things you are grateful for that day. For example, the way your coffee tasted that morning, the robin that landed near you on your walk, or the way your partner smiled at you over dinner. This is training your brain to look for positive things, which leads to a more positive outlook.

• Your best self. Imagine yourself in the future, when you’ve achieved all of your goals and dreams, and write what this looks like and how you feel. Get really detailed, and have fun with it. Repeat this exercise daily for a few days, and revisit it regularly. By doing this, you are creating the same neural pathways as if you

have already achieved those goals, and we know that what we focus on, we get more of.

• Strengths and values. With ADHD, we already know we function best focusing on tasks that give us a dopamine kick. When we learn what our strengths and values are, we can make sure we spend most of our time working with those, which is way more interesting and rewarding to the ADHD brain. Find out what yours are today, and spend some

Start with small things that make your life easier

some of the ADHD overwhelm, and managing that feeling of always forgetting something.

Binaural beats with noise-cancelling headphones are essential for my creative focus. You may also want to try brown noise or polyrhythmic music – YouTube has a large selection.

time thinking about how you can lean into those at home and work to boost your productivity. Try tools like high5test.com or viacharacter.org

Explore productivity tools

Try a productivity app like Evernote or Notion to manage multiple to-do lists and projects. Having a repository for thoughts and ideas is essential for unloading

Finally, use the calendar app.

If it’s not on the calendar, it doesn’t happen. I use multiple, colour-coded calendars within iCal to manage my studies, business, and general life. ADHD can look different for different people, so keep trying various techniques, hacks and routines until you find something that works for you.

Abi Lemon is an ADHD coach and positive psychology expert. Find out more at abilemon.co

A curious crossroad

In December, I found myself waking up dreading the day ahead. It was very unlike me, and seemingly came out of nowhere, which obviously resulted in quite strong confusion. It wasn’t that there was anything wrong per se, but there wasn’t much that was particularly right either. The things that used to excite me in my job just weren’t energising me in the same way, and the things I used to look forward to had all become a little ‘meh’.

I was the definition of fine. Nothing wrong, nothing right, just fine. And I hated it! Usually, I’m a person who jumps out of bed. I loved my job, I loved my life, and now I had become a person who looked forward to the weekend, and counted down to the next holiday.

Maybe it was because I wrote two books in one year? Maybe it was because I had achieved everything I spent a decade striving for? Or maybe I was just exhausted because it had been a long year of

health problems that seemed to never end. Confused, I headed to my life coach, Michelle Zelli, to ask her what the F was going on? Who was I, and what had changed?

She suggested it might be all of the above, or perhaps my values were simply changing. I was looking for different things from life. I was a different person to the one who had entered their 20s, and now that I was leaving that period, it was understandable that the life my 20s self-built was no longer satisfying.

When you don’t know what you want from life, a simple way to figure that out is to ask yourself what is important to you, and so I did. I sat down to do my values again and she was right, they had completely changed. My priorities had, too. For the past decade, my work had come first. Even before friends and family. Now, people matter more than any job. My health hadn’t really been a factor for the past decade, whereas now,

it was at the forefront of my mind. When it came to what I wanted in life, for my 20s, I was always striving, always busy, and always on the go. Now, I wanted peace, calm, and a relatively quiet and simple life. I didn’t want the nights out, events, and parties that consumed my 20s. I wanted homebody vibes. I also took a look at what drove me at 20 versus what drives me now on the precipice of 30. In my 20s, stability was something I craved. Having never lived in one place for an extended period of time, I relished the idea of finally having a home. A decade later, I still live in the same place, but now crave adventure, exploration, and, ultimately, a change.

So, now that I knew all of this, what was I going to do about it? Largely nothing, actually. The solution I found is that I realised I was in a period of transition. I didn’t need to know all the answers to everything, and maybe it was actually OK to not know what I wanted next.

The twists and turns as life unfolds mean it’s rarely straightforward, and could leave us feeling lost, or lacking direction. But what happens when we don’t try to force ourselves back onto a familiar path, and instead get curious about exploring the unknown?

Writing | Michelle Elman

In a world of five and 10-year plans, maybe it was fine to not even have tomorrow’s plan set in stone, and in a world of toxic positivity, maybe being ‘fine’ was good enough for now. I changed the word ‘fine’ to ‘content’, and realised that actually there was a peace in the fact I was no longer striving. There was hope and potential in the uncertainty that my life held and, most of all, that throwing all the balls in the air at one time meant they might bounce around for a bit, but one day, they

would settle. I knew I needed a new direction, but what I realised is that this new direction wouldn’t come by forcing it, and, instead, I have just allowed myself to be led by curiosity.

The only way you figure your way out of feeling lost and stuck is allowing yourself to experiment. Try something new, and then pay attention to how it makes you feel. Instead of aiming for a perfect life or even how you used to feel in your life, aim for any improvement, whether it’s

10% or even 2%. Notice that 10-second burst of energy. I have paid attention to what excites me and when I feel energised. For now, it seems to only be with the conversation of moving somewhere else – something which I have not entertained for the past decade – and while I have no answers, I know they will come one day.

I’ve given myself the gift of time, and permission to not know, so if you are feeling lost, stuck or confused, just remember you are in the midst of a transition, and when you come out the other side of the tunnel, the tunnel will seem like a blip of the journey!

There was hope and potential in the uncertainty that my life held

Michelle Elman is an author, TEDx speaker, and five-board accredited life coach. Follow her on Instagram @michellelelman

The truth about passive aggression

20 signs of passive-aggressive behaviour to look out for in your relationship, along with six powerful ways to address it

Passive-aggressive behaviour can feel ‘normal’ –especially if it’s how we’ve grown up seeing others around us deal with relationship issues. Whether done verbally or nonverbally, someone may be passive-aggressive as a way to avoid hurting someone else’s feelings, escape conflict, or as a way to show displeasure or disagreement without outright stating it.

It’s a more common way of dealing with things than you might think. But what are the signs we can look out for to recognise (and stop) being passive-aggressive in our romantic relationships? Why are we passive-aggressive in the first place? And how does it affect us?

WHAT IS PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR (AND WHY DO WE DO IT?)

Also known as non-verbal aggression, passive-aggressive behaviour refers to when you are angry or upset with someone, but feel like you can’t or don’t want to tell them about it to deal with the issue directly.

There are many reasons why someone might display passiveaggressive behaviour, including low self-esteem, insecurity, or fear of losing control, as well as using it as a way to cope with feelings of stress, anxiety, or depression. It can also be a way to try to deal with rejection or conflict, because of feelings of under-appreciation, or due to worry that any natural feelings of anger aren’t the ‘right’ response, and so it becomes an attempt to sugarcoat things.

WHAT IS THE IMPACT OF PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE BEHAVIOUR?

We almost all exhibit signs of passive aggression from time to time, but when it becomes a habit within our relationships (whether that’s romantic, platonic, or with work colleagues), it can become frustrating or upsetting for the other person involved, causing a divide between you. And for the person exhibiting this behaviour, their inability to say what is wrong and express themselves clearly can often worsen the issue as it isn’t being dealt with directly. Ultimately, passive aggression can be seen as destructive behaviour. It can prevent change and growth, leading to more negative behaviours, the breakdown of trust, and further relationship problems. Frequent passive-aggressive responses can be a sign of communication issues within your relationship, and if left to become a pattern over time, can damage your connection. >>>

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

AM I BEING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE?

Here are 20 common examples of what passive-agressive behaviours can look like. Do you often do any of these? If so, it could be time to look towards other, more helpful methods of communicating with your partner.

1. You refuse to talk to them (use the silent treatment) or make them guess what’s wrong when you’re upset or angry.

2. You make indirect comments or criticisms instead of outright saying what’s wrong.

3. Instead of sharing your opinion/thoughts/criticism, you try to frame it as someone else’s (e.g. ‘Our friends think…’, ‘My mum said…’).

4. You withhold affection or intimacy when you’re angry or upset (and refuse to admit or talk about how you are feeling).

5. You use sarcasm, hostile jokes. or humour to make subtle digs at their appearance, decisions, other relationships, or behaviour.

6. You insist that you’re ‘fine’ and expect your partner to know or guess what is wrong.

7. You exclude them from going out with friends or family, or to special events as a way of ‘punishing’ them for something, or showing that you’re angry.

8. You’re deliberately stubborn or avoid doing things (responsibilities or obligations) in order to make things more difficult for your partner, or stop them from doing something.

9. You do things badly (inefficiently or in an overlycomplicated way) to frustrate your partner or get them to do what you want (also known as weaponised incompetence).

10. You overspend or undermine activities or tasks agreed on, in order to get back at your partner as a more subtle form of sabotage.

11. You cut off your own nose to spite your face. You deliberately fail or quit to ‘show them’ that you were right or to get their attention.

12. You use indirect refusal (e.g. if your partner asks you to do something like take out the rubbish multiple times, and you keep putting it off until they give in and do it themselves in frustration) rather than discussing chores or shared workload at home.

13. You deliberately procrastinate or do things to make yourself or your partner late when you don’t want to do something.

14. You constantly make excuses for not doing things, or ‘forget’ important appointments or dates, instead of talking with your partner.

15. You’re patronising in how you talk to your partner, in an attempt to make them feel stupid or childish, or to make yourself sound more intelligent.

16. You use ‘negging’ or backhanded compliments

17. Your body language gives away your true feelings (pouting, rolling your eyes, crossing your arms) even when you refuse to admit something is wrong.

18. You refuse to take or share responsibility for important decisions.

19. You deliberately push your partner’s buttons to make them angry, frustrated, or upset.

20. You deny any passive-aggressive behaviour if outright confronted, or if your partner says you seem angry, annoyed, or upset.

HOW DO I STOP BEING PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE?

Admitting that you have a problem and need to change isn’t just good for your romantic relationship, it can be a huge help throughout your life. If you’re struggling and aren’t sure where to begin, ask yourself: ‘Could I unintentionally (or intentionally) be hurting my relationship? Is it worth saving my relationship, or do I want to risk things getting worse? Would I be happy if my partner acted the way I’ve been acting?’ Change doesn’t happen overnight, but, with time and effort, you can find new, healthier ways of communicating how you are feeling, and start to strengthen the bonds within your relationship.

• Increase your self-awareness. Recognising your behaviour is often the first step towards challenging it. The more aware you become, the more opportunities you will have to change your responses. Focus on how you are feeling, and how these feelings make you react. Once you start to notice patterns, you can start to challenge yourself.

• Try journaling. Keeping a journal can be a good way of tracking how your reactions may be affecting your life. This way, you can write down how you are feeling, what’s happened, and how you reacted to things, and come back to look at these events at a later date.

• Challenge your automatic responses. When we develop

negative or unhelpful patterns of behaviour, it’s only natural to fall back into those familiar ways of reacting. Try to stay calm. Take a moment to consider your response before you act. How are you feeling? Is there a reason why you aren’t being open? Would it help to return to the conversation later?

• Be mindful. Practising mindfulness can help you to be more present, allowing you to be more aware of your thoughts, feelings, emotions, and behaviour. Incorporating mindfulness into your routine can help you to think more clearly and recognise your physical and emotional reactions.

• Practise being assertive. This core communication skill can help you to avoid passive aggression by helping you express yourself more effectively, stand up for your point of view, and make your wants and needs a priority. Being assertive can boost your self-esteem and help you feel more confident.

• Work with a therapist. Working with a counsellor can feel like a big step, but it’s important to remember that a therapist is there to offer a safe space to talk about your worries and feelings. They can help you to identify past events that may have acted as triggers to affect how you are feeling right now. By understanding the causes of your insecurities, fears, and anxieties, you can learn new ways to express your feelings.

Sounds good to me…

Writing | Lucy Donoughue Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Sitting in a local cafe, the rhythmic tapping of my fingertips on the keyboard is accompanied by a gentle piano playlist filtering through in the background, and the constant low-level whir of a hard-working coffee machine, punctuated by the hum of other people’s conversations, and the occasional clink of coffee cups.

In many ways, the cafe’s collections of noises are my perfect soundtrack for a productive and positive writing afternoon. There’s comfort in hearing (but not being with) other people, and the familiarity of the surrounding sounds allows my brain to tune out and relax enough to completely focus on the screen and the words you’re reading now.

This sound set-up success could be attributed to more than my desire to write amongst strangers, and have caffeine on tap. Sound, including ambient like this, according to

Giles Williams, music director at Rehegoo, has the ability to immediately shift our mental state, fix our focus, and take us to our own happy place.

“People are definitely becoming even more aware of the benefits and state-altering ability of certain sounds,” Giles notes. “Especially within the health and wellness industry, where there’s a rise in experimentation with sounds to help people sleep, or respond more positively to a treatment or experience.”

It’s not just big brands or wellness centres that can benefit from getting their sound spot-on though. As individuals, we can curate and create the right audio environments to thrive in. Simply scroll through any popular and trending podcast list and you’ll find shows offering white, brown, pink, and green noise, with listening notes including ‘perfect for soothing babies’, ‘brilliant for focus’, and ‘will

help you drift off’. You’ll find even more on social media, as countless content creators offer bite-sized sound sessions and binaural beats clips to interrupt sustained scrolling, and add aural calm into the visual chaos.

Which sound is right for you?

White noise

With so much variety in the soundscape out there, where do you start your personal listening journey? Maybe with white noise, which first emerged in the 1960s.

“White noise is the most popular,” head sound designer, composer and founder of Audio Translation, Sean Mbaya, confirms. “It contains all frequencies found in the spectrum of sounds. It’s specifically known as ‘broadband noise’ and all frequencies including low, mid, and high are at similar loudness levels.” >>>

From the crashing of a waterfall to the hum of machinery, or the rustling of a summer wind through trees, the spectrum of sound can have a dynamic effect on our psyche. Here, we’re exploring the power of auditory sensations, and how certain noises can nurture different needs

‘Natural’ white noise can be created by the thundering of a waterfall, the hum of fans, or air conditioner units, Sean explains, with the benefits of listening to it including its ability to mask unpleasant sounds, reduce the impact of tinnitus, and calm crying babies. However, for some people, white noise can be quite overwhelming and even hard to listen to, because of the full volume across all frequencies. This is where brown, pink, and green noise come in.

Brown noise

Brown noise replicates the lower frequencies that we hear in the world around us and tends to be a deeper and richer sound; think storms, or the hum of the interior of a plane mid-flight. It can be soothing and is often soporific. “When I was a kid, going to France on the ferry, and we didn’t have enough beds in our cabins, I’d sleep on the floor and the low hum of the ferry engine sent me straight off to sleep,” Rehegoo’s Giles concurs. “I’ll always remember that, and I associate it with brown noise.”

Listening to brown noise can have benefits beyond sleep, as executive creative director at Forever Audio, Kathleen Moroney, explains. “It’s great for focus, and it has gained popularity in recent times. Brown noise cuts distracting background noises, which is why a large number of people within the ADHD community find it particularly helpful.”

Tune-in and chill out

Spotify

Happiful: Sounds of relaxation

Podcast

‘Relaxing White Noise’, the podcast featuring white noise and nature sounds to help you sleep, study, or soothe a baby.

YouTube

@MindAmend offers a wide range of sounds to improve, enhance or steady your state. From smoothed brown noise to binaural beats, clear focus, and stress relief tracks.

App

Calm’s ‘classic and noise’ section features white, green, ‘brownian’ to pink noise, as well as heartbeat, rain on leaves, and waves.

Pink noise

Pink noise has similar properties to white noise, but the higher frequencies are quieter in volume and less confronting – think of the gentle rustle of a breeze brushing through leaves, or the steady, comforting drum of a heartbeat. This sound tends to have the characteristics of a vibrant or ambient sound, and helps to reduce the impact of loud noises such as slamming doors, as well as being able to help with focus, and anxiety induced by sudden high volume sounds.

More and more people are turning to sounds for their mood in their day to day lives too. “The use of pink and brown noise for mental wellbeing and managing neurodiverse traits has seen a huge boom, particularly in the TikTok community, with a focus on mental wellbeing and managing

neurodiverse traits,” Kathleen concludes.

Green noise

My personal favourite, however, is green noise. As the colour suggests, this features sounds akin to ambient noises found in nature; imagine the sea lapping on the shore, a gentle trickling of a river, or rain on the pavement. Like the beating heart of nature itself, green noise has a calming and soothing effect, connecting with the relaxing atmosphere of being at one with the outdoors. It sits within the middle of the spectrum of frequencies, as opposed to white (which features all frequencies at the same volume), brown (focusing on the lower, deeper frequencies), and pink (all frequencies, but differing volumes with an emphasis on the lower end of the spectrum), and could be a good option for those who feel a sense

of peace when walking through woodland, or watching a stream trickle by.

Binaural beats

If you’ve yet to check out binaural beats, then head over to YouTube, search for a playlist, and pop on your headphones. This sound, for me, is one of the most impactful, providing a sense of calm and ease while enabling me to be productive at the same time. It’s a totally different experience to the cafe soundscape I described, but with a similar outcome – and it feels nice. So what kind of soundcentred magic is taking place in my earbuds?

“Binaural beats are a phenomenon where a person can take advantage of their brain’s ability to respond to sounds, and place them in a different mental state,” Katheleen says. “Many people listen to binaural beats to help with anxiety, sleep, memory, increasing concentration, and even enhancing creativity.”

But how do binaural beats work? “The sound is achieved by hearing one frequency in the left ear, and a slightly different frequency in the right ear, at the same time,” Kathleen explains. “Our brain identifies the difference in frequency of those two sounds, creating the illusion of a ‘third frequency’ within our subconscious. Our brain then takes that new frequency and maps it to one of our major brainwave states.

“When listening to audio within these specific frequency ranges, a person can induce

themselves into a desired state of consciousness based on the associated characteristic of that brainwave state.”

• Beta (13–40Hz)

Associated with concentration, decision making, stimulating energy and action.

• Alpha (8–12Hz)

Associated with relaxation, positive thinking, and accelerated learning.

• Theta (5–7Hz)

Associated with REM sleep, meditation, and creativity.

• Delta (1.5–4Hz)

Associated with deep sleep, pain relief, and access to unconscious mind.

What sounds good to you?

While the variety of playlists and sound tracks on offer are endless, only you’ll know what works for you, and there’s joy to be found in experimentation. Whether it’s white, brown, pink, or green noise, the babble of a busy coffee shop, or binaural beats, there will be a sound to match your need, and elevate your mood. So, take a beat, plug in, and let yourself be swept away by the soundwaves.

Sound has the ability to immediately shift our mental state

The true cost of crypto

We’re decoding the environmental impact of virtual currencies

Writing | Rebecca Thair

From Bitcoin to Ethereum, cryptocurrencies are a much-hyped alternative method of payment that have been making headlines for the past few years. But the big question that’s beginning to arise is whether the energy expended on these virtual transactions could actually be having a very real detrimental impact on the planet. So, we’re here to ask: are digital denominations the face of the future, or something that could break the bank?

WHAT IS CRYPTOCURRENCY?

Cryptocurrencies use advanced cryptography to create secure financial transactions, giving rise to their name. Rather than having physical cash, or transactions going through banks for verification of funds, cryptocurrencies are decentralised – they require no central bank or clearing house. Transactions take place between digital wallets, and are recorded on the ‘blockchain’, which is a public ledger.

But where does this ‘money’ come from? Founded in 2009, Bitcoin was the original digital

currency, and remains the most recognisable today. ‘Coins’ are created through a process called ‘mining’, which requires specialised computers to solve intricate mathematical puzzles to find a specific number. The first to find a number which meets the network’s difficulty target is declared the winner, and is rewarded with Bitcoin. In essence, a Bitcoin can be likened to a unique serial code on a banknote. However, given it’s not a physical item, its value is determined by users agreeing upon its worth. You can also buy Bitcoins with traditional currency, which will add units of crypto to your digital wallet, accessed with a ‘key’ that allows you to transfer these units to others.

WHAT ARE THE BENEFITS?

• Privacy and security. Crypto was created due to concerns around the stability of the modern financial system, with numerous banks being bailed out by the government in recent years, including Lloyds Banking Group and Natwest in 2008, while others like Bradford & Bingley went under. By focusing on peer-to-peer

transfers, and eliminating third parties to verify funds, users aren’t affected by the bank’s success or failure. Additionally, data is stored in your personal wallet, and can only be accessed with a private key.

• Decentralised and capped. Operating on decentralised networks means cryptocurrencies are not subject to government regulations or interventions, and given there are caps on the total number of currency available, e.g. a limit of 21 million Bitcoins was created, it’s believed this could protect against inflation. With a finite amount available, as demand increases, the value will rise in line with the market, theoretically.

• Accessibility and transparency. ID checks typically performed in banks don’t apply here, which can expedite the process, allowing anyone with internet access and a smartphone to utilise it. Plus, the public ledger, Blockchain, offers full transparency of transactions.

However, there are important considerations. Given the rise in online banking, contactless cards, and Apple Pay, the drive towards a cashless society might

make life simpler for some, but frustrating for those less confident with technology. Then, there are the worries of losing access to your money if you forget your digital key, along with concerns around the price being highly volatile, and a lack of financial protection.

WHAT IS THE ECO IMPACT?

Transactions using digital currencies might sound more straightforward – there’s nothing

physical to create, distribute, house… But it’s the process of validating and minting coins, known as ‘mining’, that requires a monumental amount of energy.

For reference, the Digiconomist’s Bitcoin Energy Consumption Index reports that the annual Bitcoin carbon footprint is comparable to the whole of Sweden, with a single transaction using 778 KwH (equivalent to the consumption of a typical US household over 26.67 days).

Additionally, the mining process requires special hardware for this single purpose, which is obsolete after about 18 months, contributing significantly to waste; according to Digiconomist, a single Bitcoin transaction produces 434g of e-waste, compared to 40g created by 10,000 Visa transactions.

In a closer look at the ‘climate cost’ of producing Bitcoin, a study in the journal Scientific Reports found the climate damage created was 35% of the market value generated – similar to beef at 33%. While mining isn’t the only means of validating crypto transactions, it was the primary one used by both Bitcoin and Ethereum, the leading types, until very recently. In September 2022, Ethereum replaced the ‘proof-of-work’ mining method with ‘proof-of-stake’ in an event called ‘the Merge’, which reduced its power requirements by 99.84%! For context, that reduction is similar to the total power required for Ireland, according to the journal Patterns.

So what next? Switching to renewable energy sources to power mining would be a clear first step, or implementing carbon offsetting measures for an immediate effect. Using Ethereum’s Merge as a blueprint for rolling out proof-ofstake elsewhere would be highly effective as well, but may take time due to the cost.

While virtual transactions are looking like a reality moving forwards, it’s essential that investment is made to ensure the set-up is sustainable. Cash may become a thing of the past, but we still need our virtual money to be green.

From Bruce Banner’s “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry” alter ego to Taz the Tasmanian devil’s destructive rage, anger is often portrayed as a ‘negative’ emotion we should be ashamed of, and must try to hide at all costs. But really, what are we so afraid of? Every emotion has the ability to teach us something about ourselves, how we’re really feeling, and whether there’s something wrong that we need to address. So rather than shying away from our rage, it’s time we accept it – perhaps, like ‘the Hulk’, it could even become our superpower.

In reality, anger encompasses so many varied feelings, and experiencing it could signify

powerful ways to harness your anger for good

Don’t shy away from the issues your anger is trying to bring into focus! Address and express this emotion for positive change, starting with these four transformative tips

Writing | Lucy Donoughue

that we feel threatened and endangered, or perhaps it’s tinged with envy, bubbling frustration, or a feeling of injustice. By exploring what our anger really means and expressing it in a healthy way, it could be harnessed as a force for good, helping to reduce our stress, and empowering us…

Start with curiosity

Imagine an iceberg; 90% of it is under the water, out of sight. This can be a great metaphor for exploring our emotions. Think of anger as just the tip of that iceberg; a secondary emotion and the part we show, as therapist Beverley Hills explains in Counselling Directory’s short film ‘What is Anger Management Therapy?’

“There’s a train of thought that anger is bad,” Beverley notes. “That we must control and manage it. Actually, we must incorporate it, we must recognise whether it’s a good or a negative anger and the why behind it, so that anger becomes part of our repertoire, and not all of our repertoire of emotions.”

So let’s start there. Get curious about what’s going on underneath the surface. What’s brought you to this state? Why are you here? What could your anger be trying to tell you?

Drill down into your anger

Anger is one word that covers so many feelings, the scale of which can actually range

from annoyance to frustration, bitterness to injustice. To really understand the various emotions we encompass and reduce to ‘anger’, it could be worth searching online for a ‘wheel of emotions’ diagram, which reveals a full spectrum of feelings. Use this as inspiration to write down the words that resonate with you and your current state. Let down? Humiliated? Resentful? Bitter? Mad? Aggressive? Frustrated? Get granular with the description of your anger. It will help to shed further light on the source of the issue.

Explore further

Take a piece of paper and write ‘I am angry because…’ and then fill in the blank space. Every time you

finish a sentence, add ‘because’ and continue to write, until you feel you have everything out of your mind and onto the page in front of you.

For example: I am angry because I’m overwhelmed and have no time for anything I need personally, because I’m working full-time and looking after the house and family, because I get no support with domestic chores, because everyone knows that I will do them, because I always do, because I can’t rely on anyone else to think of what needs to happen to keep life running smoothly, because when I have done in the past, I’ve been let down.

Re-read what you’ve written and start a new section with: ‘I will change this anger to action by…’

Every time you finish a sentence add ‘then I will’ until you’ve run out of steam!

I will change this anger to action by sharing that I am overwhelmed and need some time of my own, then I will ask each member of the family to volunteer to take on one thing I am doing instead, then I will trust them to do it, and then I will book the appointments that I need to keep me healthy, mentally and physically. This exercise could be illuminating and hopefully, it will provide you with an action plan.

Scream, shout, let it out!!

Anger that remains unacknowledged can build to a point where it will inadvertently spill out into unproductive interactions. But you have the power to change that. Because anger has a physiological reaction in the body, a physical release can be helpful. The fight or flight response in us can lead to an increased heart rate, faster breathing, and neurotransmitters called catecholamines releasing, which can give us that feeling of a ‘burst of energy’. Your muscles might feel more tense, as you prepare for action and adrenaline kicks in, so letting this energy out physically can help.

Find yourself a safe space away from others, and let your anger out. You could beat a pillow with your fists while shouting and swearing, listen to loud music and go for a power walk, or write a letter to the issue that provoked the anger, then tear it up.

Dispersing angry energy – safely –is a good thing.

If your feelings of anger are prolonged, or are negatively affecting you or those around you,

visit the Counselling Directory for help and information.

Ask the experts

What can we do if we’re not making progress?

Coach Kate Kilby answers your questions on how we can cope with not making the headway we hoped for with our goals

Learn more on the Life Coach Directory

QFor those of us feeling as if we’re not making progress with our goals, what is the first thing we can do to address it?

AFirst, be kind to yourself.

It’s understandable to feel deflated when progress feels slow or stalled, but if we succumb to these feelings, we risk giving up entirely. Cultivate self-compassion

by acknowledging the positive choices, actions, and steps forward you have made, however small. This will encourage a more objective and positive mindset, allowing you to get real with yourself on why you aren’t currently moving forward.

Is it your goal, approach, or something else? Is your goal the right goal? Do you genuinely want to achieve it? What is important to you about achieving

it? Connecting with the deeper drive behind it will help when the going gets tough. Vague or unrealistic goals make it harder to measure progress, so make sure your goal is S.M.A.R.T. (specific, measurable, attainable, realistic, and time-bound). Review and question your approach. What’s working? What’s not working? Where can you improve your tactics, and how? Who could help you?

QHow can we cope with a feeling of failure when things aren’t going to plan?

A Start by reframing your relationship with failure. Viewing failure as a normal, necessary part of our growth and a valuable opportunity for data acquisition helps to transmute the

negative into useful and positive. As Elizabeth Day explains in her fantastic podcast ‘How To Fail’, “Learning from our mistakes, and understanding why we fail, ultimately makes us stronger, because learning how to fail in life actually means learning how to succeed better.”

It’s important to acknowledge your feelings in order to heal

and move on, so give yourself permission to feel a bit crap… for a short time. Then identify, and let go of, anything out of your control. Instead, focus on your sphere of control, apply your learnings, and set new, small, tasks that will build momentum.

Remember: nobody is immune to failure. It’s what you learn from it that matters.

Life Coach Directory is part of the Happiful Family | Helping you find the help you need

QDo you have any tips for staying motivated when our willpower is failing us?

AWillpower is great when we have it, but we can’t rely on it alone. Motivation is the ‘why’ behind our goals and, therefore, a steadier resource. When willpower falters, start by (re)connecting with the deeper purpose that inspired your goals in the first place.

Willpower takes energy, making tasks that feel too big or overwhelming likely to be avoided.

If this is the case, ‘chunk down’ the goal to the smallest, tangible, measurable tasks that you can. Then, aim to make those tasks as easy and convenient as possible! Plan them into your diary. Put physical reminders in relevant and noticeable places. Build habits that serve to consistently chip away at your goals. “Every action you take is a vote for the type of person you wish to become.” – James Clear. Finally, don’t hesitate to seek support to bolster you. Who can encourage, support, and hold you accountable?

Kate’s top three tips for staying motivated:

1. Be gentle with yourself. Beating yourself up will only hold you back further. Feeling frustrated and disappointed by a lack of progress means you care and want better. Celebrate everything you’ve achieved so far, however small, and congratulate yourself on anything new, different or scary you’ve tried.

2. Change your perspective. Instead of fixating on what hasn’t happened (yet), focus on what you have learned so far. With honest reflection, even zero progress can teach you something about what is getting in your way. It’s all data acquisition.

3. Refocus and refine. Revisit your ‘why’, and whether your goal is in alignment with your deeper motivation. In practical terms, audit what’s working, what isn’t, and what’s getting in the way. Identify which of these are within your control and adjust your approach, applying all you’ve learned. Start with small, manageable tasks that will rebuild your momentum, optimism, and ownership.

Love, authentically

Champion of self-acceptance and an advocate for kindness, bestselling author Vex King is no stranger to empowering others. Sharing his inspirational words, he reveals, from his own lived experiences, what a huge difference hope and authentic guidance can make

What does love mean to you? The pang in your heart when you hear that special someone’s voice? That friend who just knows when something isn’t right, and shows up without you needing to ask? The unconditional trust and devotion of a four-legged friend greeting you with an uncontrollable wag?

Looking to answer that question, and exploring the very nature of the most basic human emotion, has been a driving force behind Sunday Times bestselling author Vex King’s work for years. And from romantic relationships to our deepest connections with others and ourselves, his response is underpinned by one universal factor: authenticity.

But to understand his work now, Vex explains, it’s crucial to know about his childhood, which was undeniably difficult. His dad died when he was a baby, his family were homeless for three years, and endured sustained racism and severe poverty. Vex witnessed family members being physically assaulted, robbed, and experienced the real threat

of gun violence. There were times, he says, when these early experiences meant that he didn’t want to carry on living.

“It was the love of my mum and sisters that kept me going,” he explains. “It was the love of the people around me that helped me progress during the times that I wanted to give up.”

Vex reflects on how these formative experiences initially played out through his behaviour. “A lot of the time I was angry with the world, but that anger was just a secondary emotion. The primary emotion was pain. To deal with that pain I showed anger, and started wrecking the world around me. Now I’m able to be compassionate towards that version of myself, because I know I lacked support and education.”

Vex found solace, inspiration and education in self-development books. He credits these for creating a sense of hope that there was a better life ahead for him, and knowledge that he could change his mindset and reactions towards those who had treated him so poorly.

Vex started to address how he behaved, too. “I thought that being this hard-edged man was the way to be, and that takes strength. But actually kindness, to me, requires strength. It’s so much easier to react to your emotions than to pause, take a step back, encourage some self-awareness and respond in line with how you wish to see the world in the future.”

And he has big hopes for the future. Everything Vex does is about equipping others with the tools they need to live connected, authentic lives. Having spent so much time working on himself, he feels a strong calling to impart what he’s learned to as many people as possible.

“My work is inspired by the young Vex who didn’t have resources or people around him to encourage his dreams,” he explains. “I want to share the lessons I learned as a child with the world, but, more importantly, a lot of my passion and drive has grown from the desire to help or prevent people from going through the same suffering I did.” >>>

Writing | Lucy Donoughue

Kindness, to me, requires strength. It’s so much easier to react to your emotions than to pause, encourage some self-awareness, and respond in line with how you wish to see the world

Photography

| Alecsandra Dragoi

This is where Vex’s writing comes in. He’s already reached millions of people through his books Good Vibes, Good Life, and Healing is the New High, and now his third, Closer to Love: How to Attract the Right Relationships and Deepen Your Connections, explores the crucial role self-love and acceptance play in connecting authentically with others.

While he writes to help others, putting pen to paper has been a therapeutic tool Vex has employed from a young age. Although, he notes, he had no idea it was helping him in such a meaningful way until later.

“I always wrote down how I felt growing up, and I don’t think I’d be a writer if I hadn’t, because I was being very vulnerable with myself on paper. Even now I do the same thing. Although I like to share research, science and studies, essentially I’m talking about my own experiences, and I’m sharing my story. It’s really helped me to understand myself. I always say journaling is your avenue to emotional literacy.”

Vex says that his wife, Kaushal, initially struggled with journaling. As a result of a conversation about the benefits of writing inner thoughts out, they worked together to develop a beautiful journal to help anyone who picks it up. They named it The Greatest Self-Help Book Ever

Written (Is The One By You).

“I truly believe that – not to downplay my other books,” he laughs. “I believe that the book that you engage with, the book that you get to know yourself with, is going to make the biggest difference in your life.”

Vex’s take on self-help is refreshing, accessible, and steeped in lived experience. His authenticity comes across strongly with every word, and he notes that his focus will always be on people and purpose, rather than popularity and profit.

However, there’s one thing that Vex is at pains to point out about self-help. That’s the importance of addressing your feelings, and avoiding anything resembling toxic positivity.

“Through my own scars, I’ve found strength, and through my wounds I found wisdom,” he says. “But if anyone is going through a hard time, I would say please don’t feel the pressure to look for the lesson right away, because I did that for a good part of my life.

“When I started reading books, I realised there was this power to positive thinking and I knew I could use it to change my life, but what I did in that process was neglect my emotions for the sake of being a ‘positive person’. I’d pushed them down as low as I could, pretending they weren’t there, that the things I had experienced didn’t matter. But they did.

“So I went on this journey of authentic self-love. I looked back on my trauma, I looked back on the things I’d tried to hide away and I found lessons in them. But the key lesson I learned was to show yourself grace throughout your journey, to hold self-compassion. It doesn’t matter what goal you aspire to, you have to have compassion for yourself. The understanding that you are just a human being that’s trying to do their best in the world, that’s the most important thing of all.”

‘Closer to Love: How to Attract the Right Relationships and Deepen Your Connections’ by Vex King (Bluebird, £16.99 hardback) is available now.

Through my own scars, I’ve found strength, and through my wounds I found wisdom

Windows shut in unison around me as black clouds roll overhead. Everyone is battening down the hatches, while I tie my shoelaces. It’s starting to rain, and I couldn’t be happier.

Like a dog scrabbling at the door after hearing the word ‘walk’, I’m desperate to get out. To feel the energising, ice cold droplets on my face; the wind in my hair, and the warmth of my coat enveloping me like a hug. I’ve never felt more at peace.

Everyone is wishing for summer, while I say spring has never made me feel more alive.

There’s no denying that the rain gets a bad rep. In books and

films, a sea of dark clouds and whistling windows brings a sense of foreboding – a sure sign that trouble is brewing. We associate bad weather with bad things. And for years, I believed it.

Despite having a bright pink raincoat that I love, and fleecelined wellies decorated with corgis, until recently, I always seemed to avoid going out in the rain. I stopped associating it with child-like freedom, cancelling plans as soon as I saw those dark clouds rumble in – deciding that my day had been ruined. I felt miserable, down, sad.

“The weather can impact our emotions without us realising it,” Dr Elena Touroni, consultant

psychologist and co-founder of The Chelsea Psychology Clinic, tells me. “When it’s rainy and dreary outside, it’s more common for people to feel down, lonely, or sad. On the flip side, the sun is connected to more positive emotions.”

Since we tend to get less vitamin D – the so-called ‘sunshine vitamin’ – in the winter months, it can play havoc with our brain’s release of mood-boosting hormones, dopamine and serotonin.

“It can be tempting to stay indoors in the winter months, but it’s important to exercise (which releases feel-good hormones) and get outside so that we get as much >>>

Writing | Emmie Harrison-West

light as possible,” Dr Touroni says. “It’s important that we get rid of this idea of ‘good’ weather and ‘bad’ weather, especially living in the UK where we tend to get a lot of rain and overcast days.”

Well, to me now, there’s no such thing as ‘bad’ weather days, not any more. This year, I’ve made it a resolution to embrace bad weather, not avoid it. To walk, run, dance, and end up like a drowned rat in the rain – and I’ve never felt more alive.

“When the weather is bad, it’s easy to feel unmotivated, lethargic and disconnected from everything and everyone,” Catherine Lauris, community manager at Merrell Hiking Club – a women-centric digital platform and community – tells me. “It makes you want to stay indoors and stay cosy. However, there are several benefits associated with getting outdoors and embracing the bad weather that make it worth it.”

Changing my perspective on the rain has completely changed my mindset, and I’ve definitely benefited from it. I find myself laughing with exhilaration as I walk in the rain, feeling like a child dancing in and out of puddles again, giggling. And, it turns out, it’s good for you to feel this way, too.

“One of the most enjoyable and uplifting experiences in the rain is dancing. That’s right, dancing in the rain!” John Landry,

Remind yourself that rain is vital to our existence – without it, we wouldn’t be here

registered respiratory therapist and the founder of Respiratory Therapy Zone, explains. “This simple act has been shown to improve our mood and overall happiness.

“Raindrops provide a natural massage on our skin, the sound of the rain creates a peaceful background noise, and the act of moving our bodies releases endorphins, the feelgood hormone. Additionally, exposure to negative ions in the air created by rain has been linked to reducing symptoms of depression and anxiety.”

John also notes that it “gives us a chance to enjoy the beauty of our natural surroundings”, and I agree. When I take a walk in the rain, once busy parks are now empty. Peaceful. Serene. Allowing me a moment to appreciate the beauty of nature, without distractions.

According to research from the Mental Health Foundation, spending time in nature can improve mood, reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety, and lower stress levels. The study also revealed that 65% of people experience positive emotions like joy, wonder, and excitement while being outside – with 44% admitting that being close to nature made them less worried or anxious.

It’s something I’ve definitely noticed – a brisk walk in the

cold, damp Edinburgh weather can sometimes leave me feeling ecstatic – and more aware of my mortality, with a greater appreciation for life. It refreshes me in the midst of a tough day, making me feel invigorated and sharper, swapping that sluggish at-desk feeling for a miraculously clearer mind.

“Being out in the rain can help to bring awareness to a fuller range of sensations – rather than just ‘zoning out’ as you move, you can focus on different feelings, lights, shapes, and sounds,” Eloise Skinner, meditation, mindfulness, yoga and breathwork instructor, shares.

And when you return indoors, if anything, it makes you appreciate home comforts a little more. The feeling of swapping damp clothes for your favourite PJs and cosy slippers; the warm feeling in your belly of that first sip of tea. The embrace of a loved one, or the feeling of your pet’s fur through your fingers.

I can’t quite explain it, but when I unsheath my bright pink raincoat after a walk, I shed my worries with it. The stresses and niggles of the week disperse, leaving me recharged.

“It’s so important to have downtime and a break from the hustle and bustle of everyday life,” Catherine Lauris says. “It’s nice to go back to basics and appreciate the beauty of the

world around us. It is also great for clearing your head, and putting things into perspective.

“When I go hiking in the mountains, it makes me appreciate how small and insignificant some of my worries are. Being outdoors provides me with a complete escape and is a great way to reset.”

She also notes how fresh air and nature are so good for the mind, body and soul. So, how can we make the most of it? And change our mindset towards the rain, to enjoy the moment, rather than wishing for sunnier climes?

“Try to make the best out of the situation,” Catherine advises. “Make your walk or hike fun, invite your friends, wrap up in several layers so you are shielded from the cold, and take your favourite snacks and a flask of something hot to keep you warm. Even a 30-minute walk will leave you feeling refreshed and promote a positive headspace.”

Dr Touroni emphasises the importance of feeling free and unleashing your inner child. She says, “Try to connect with how you felt as a child, playing in the rain and splashing about in puddles. Remind yourself that rain is vital to our existence –without it, we wouldn’t be here.”

So what are you waiting for? It’s time to dig out the wellies, and come outside.

Photograph | Marcos Paulo Prado

“Where words fail, music speaks

HANS CHRISTIAN ANDERSEN

Spotting the signs of an underactive thyroid

Writing | Elisabeth Carlsson

Crushing fatigue, brain fog, the inability to wake-up properly, feeling cold (especially in your hands and feet), low mood, and feeling a bit ‘blah’ – do these symptoms sound familiar? You might just find a number of reasons as to why you feel like this, whether it’s due to cold weather and a lack of sun, a busy job, or stressful mornings getting kids ready for school. Maybe you also have issues with poor memory, digestion, high cholesterol and blood pressure, and have noticed your hair seems to be falling out. Is it just living a typical busy life, or perhaps something else?

What if I told you these complaints might be signs of a low thyroid function, and could be improved by making changes to your lifestyle and nutrition?

According to the NHS patient information site, one to two people in 100 are suffering from low thyroid function in the UK, with it also being 10 times more common in women, and many of the symptoms explained above are signs that your thyroid needs some attention. But what many experiencing these symptoms struggle with is that they sound quite general, so it can be brushed off as part and parcel of modern living, and therefore tricky to diagnose.

What is the thyroid?

The thyroid is a butterflyshaped gland, which is part of your endocrine system, and sits at the base of your neck. It controls your metabolism, or at what rate the body burns food for energy. The thyroid

also controls many other bodily functions, including your heart rate, body temperature, weight, menstrual cycle, muscle strength, and nervous system, through producing and releasing hormones into your bloodstream, so you can see why so many functions of your body start to slow down when your thyroid is not operating efficiently. In essence, the thyroid hormone is necessary for all forms of organised biology.

What to expect when seeking support for your thyroid

If you’re concerned about your symptoms, reaching out to your doctor is an important first step. However, it’s worth being aware that getting a diagnosis isn’t always straightforward. If your GP does a thyroid test, the results >>>

An expert look at how to help the furnace of the body function effectively

can often come back as normal, which can feel deflating by not giving you an answer. But one issue with UK lab tests is that they can be limited in what they test, and feature narrow ranges, resulting in an unsatisfactory understanding of why a person might be experiencing hypothyroid symptoms, as noted by charity Thyroid UK. Without getting too technical, some tests can focus on the specific hormone levels, and not take into account if your cells have a reduced sensitivity to the thyroid hormone, meaning you could be more resistant to it. In the past, high cholesterol was a diagnostic tool for hypothyroidism, and could be a warning sign of thyroid issues, suggesting that thyroid tests should be run if high cholesterol shows up in tests, as documented in the journal JAMA Internal Medicine.

How should your thyroid work?

The thyroid uses two primary thyroid hormones, T3 and T4, which reach almost every cell in your body, and when they are out of balance it can lead to many of the problems already discussed. The thyroid and the brain work together, communicating

constantly in a feedback loop. If more T3 or T4 is needed, your brain will send chemical messages to get the process started to produce more. At least, this is how it’s supposed to work.

What factors can affect your thyroid function?

Unfortunately, the feedback loop between the thyroid and the brain is easily disrupted if you don’t get enough specific micronutrients, such as iodine, selenium, and A and B vitamins. Also, too many refined carbs and not enough protein can interfere with the conversion of T4 to T3, and, beyond nutrition, your

environment and stress can have a major influence, too. However, even though micro nutrients are important, I find that it’s equally important to look at the right type and level of macronutrients, i.e. fats, carbohydrates, and protein, which can also make dietary choices easier.

How to better support your thyroid function at home

Protein: This is essential for thyroid function, and in most cases people don’t eat enough. Adequate animal protein is required for the production of the

thyroid hormone, and for the conversion of T4 to T3. The type of protein is important, so, for example, muscle meat is higher in some amino acids that, while important, could have a thyroid suppressing effect. Focus more on nose to tail eating, including organ meats like liver and try gelatinous cuts of meat to make the dish osso bucco, for example. Fish and seafood are all good choices especially as they contain so many important minerals like selenium and iodine. And for non-meat eaters, you could focus on plant proteins such as tofu, tempeh, lentils, or spirulina.

MEET THE EXPERT

Carbohydrates: Glucose is needed by the liver cells to produce the active T3 thyroid hormone. So when carbohydrates are restricted, or the body is under stress, it needs to get its energy from muscle tissue. This leads to an increase in stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline to compensate for the deficiency of energy, glucose, and oxygen. This is why long-term restrictive dieting can have such negative effects on metabolism. Focus on easilydigested carbohydrates like root vegetables, squashes, ripe fruits, and fresh fruit juices.

Fats: Saturated fats like butter are more stable, and animal sources tend to be higher in pro thyroid nutrients like vitamin A and K2. Extra virgin olive oil and coconut oil are also good choices, with the latter containing butyric acid, which helps thyroid hormone move into the brain by increasing T3 uptake by glial cells.

Stress reduction: Focusing on stress reduction should also be a cornerstone for anyone who wants to improve their thyroid health. Do things like gentle exercise, getting out in nature, and focusing on getting a good

night’s sleep. The production of cortisol is a life-saving response, but in a hypothyroid person, it occurs abnormally in an attempt to keep blood sugar up. Cortisol is released when our bodies are under stress, so it’s important to look at diet and stress levels.

Check your metabolism: When your cells produce energy, they also produce heat, and so a simple test was created by Dr Broda Barnes. Simply check your basal temperature, so first thing in the morning you should be seeing temperatures around 36.7oC/98oF, and after eating and as the day goes by this should increase to around 37oC/98.6oF. Please note that women’s basal temperature will increase during ovulation, and that it’s a good indicator but not a definite test.

If you are experiencing any of the things mentioned in the article, do remember that there are lots of things you can do, so don’t be disheartened if you struggle to feel heard or get a clear diagnosis initially. Instead, use this knowledge to ask for the right tests, and seek help, because so many health issues can be resolved at the root cause by restoring thyroid function.

Elisabeth Carlsson is a nutritional therapist, specialising in thyroid and women’s health. To find out more visit the Nutritionist Resource

Headshot

| Olga Kotilevskaya

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Subtle signs of gaslighting

Here are six tactics gaslighters use to manipulate and control you

Denying your version of events

Telling you “That’s not what happened,” “You’re imagining things,” or standing firm in claims that you did/said something you don’t recall, creates a burgeoning sense of doubt in your memories, leading you to not trust your own interpretations and perceptions.

Exaggerating your behaviour

This can be about blowing things out of proportion to make you feel guilty or ashamed, potentially using phrases such as “You’re always putting everyone else before me,” or “You never spend time with me,” leading you to cut back on connections with others and rely more on the gaslighter.

Isolating you from others

Building from the last point, they can look to monopolise your time, so as to cause a rift between you and loved ones, which, in turn, creates a dependency on them.

They might look for opportunities to criticise your

friends or family, and create a narrative where they are unsupportive. If your other connections are strained, it can leave you feeling trapped and unable to leave the relationship.

Knocking your confidence

Whether it’s homing-in on any mistakes, underhand comments, or putting you down in front of others under the guise of ‘banter’, repeated criticism can feed into insecurities and destroy your selfworth.

Twisting words

The gaslighter may claim something they did/said isn’t that bad, because it’s not what they meant. This serves as a way to avoid accountability and responsibility, potentially putting the blame on you for taking their words ‘out of context’. They may pretend something awful was said in jest, and it’s your fault for not being able to ‘take a joke’.

Dismissing your feelings or concerns

Downplaying your reactions, particularly when related to the gaslighter’s own behaviour, seeks

to reinforce the idea that you’re the one in the wrong, and flip the script to try to make themselves appear innocent. This could be calling you ‘paranoid’, ‘too sensitive’, or ‘overreacting’. This plays a key part in undermining your self-esteem.

Artificial intelligence: Is it the future for healthcare?

AI is 2023’s hot topic, so what role could it play in health and wellbeing, and what opportunities and challenges should we be aware of?

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

What was once science fiction is now a part of our everyday lives, as artificial intelligence (AI) is something that many of us live alongside. According to Statista, in 2019, 3.25 billion virtual assistants were used worldwide – and that figure is predicted to more than double to 8.4 billion by 2024.

But AI is doing more for us than setting reminders, making recommendations, and offering us weather reports. In fact, it could be about to change the healthcare landscape entirely.

What’s out there?

According to a opinion pollsters Opinium, one in eight people use health apps regularly. And with an with industry specialists report estimating that there are now more than 350,000 health

apps – from period-tracking apps like Flo, which can predict menstrual cycles when users input data, to the virtual reality nursing assistant Sensely – there’s a lot on offer.

Dr Emilia Molimpakis is a neuroscientist who co-founded thymia, a platform that uses AIpowered games to help doctors spot depression.

“I was inspired to start thymia after seeing my best friend struggle with depression,” she tells us. “I saw her try to go through the psychiatric system, and fall through the cracks. Despite being seen by therapists and a psychiatrist, she ended up trying to take her own life. When that happened, I was the one who found her, and this experience left a very deep impression on me.

“Aside from my own guilt at not recognising the signs

sooner, what I could not get my head around was how her psychiatrist, who had seen her just two days before, did not see this coming. This prompted me to do a deep dive into the psychiatric system, where I realised that the tools clinicians had to hand were still these old-fashioned, pen-and-paper questionnaires that have been found, time and again, to be subjective, biased, and unrepresentative of a patient’s actual mental health status.”

But Dr Molimpakis didn’t just want to make things better, instead, she wanted to change the entire system. And so, thymia was born.

Dr Molimapakis points to how tools such as these have the ability to shoulder some of the pressure the NHS is currently facing, something that Dr Hana >>>

Patel, a GP who specialises in sleep and mental health, has seen first-hand with another AI initiative near her.

“In Surrey, Mind Matters Surrey NHS is currently using the Limbic Access chatbot that supports e-triage and assessments at the front end of the care pathway, acting as the first point of contact for the patient,” Dr Patel explains. The chatbot screens patients at the start of the process of being referred to the service. It can also be used as a self-referral tool, and has the ability to alert the mental health team to patients who may need to be signposted to other services, including acute care.

While Dr Patel highlights some cons worth noting – the frustration some people may feel at not speaking to a member of

the mental health team straight away, and the challenges some may face if they are not IT literate, or have difficulty reading and writing in English – she predicts AI will play an increasingly important role in the healthcare of the future.

“It is going to be used more to help with the workforce issues and long delays to treatment following the Covid pandemic,” she explains. “It is also a positive change as NHS England is investing in AI for futureproofing the health service, and offering good quality care to all patients.”

What about wellness?

AI is also entering another arm of health, the world of wellness. And it’s an area that producer

This guided meditation wasn’t written by a human being…

• Visualise yourself standing at the entrance of a dark tunnel, with a small beam of light at the end. This tunnel represents the trauma you’ve experienced, and the light represents the hope and healing that’s waiting for you on the other side.

• Take a deep breath and start walking towards the tunnel. As you walk, feel your body getting lighter and your steps becoming more confident. Allow yourself to feel whatever emotions come up, but remind yourself that you’re safe and in control.

• As you move through the tunnel, you may encounter memories or images that are difficult to face. Acknowledge them without judgment and allow them to pass by. Remember that you’re safe and in control of your experience.

• As you get closer to the end of the tunnel, the light becomes brighter and warmer. Allow yourself to

and writer Aaron Horn was keen to investigate for himself. Having first used AI to generate visuals for music, Aaron went on to experiment with using chatGPT to create yoga routines and guided meditations.

“I wanted to see, and be able to play with, a lot of parameters of guided meditation very quickly, and look for any recurring themes or archetypes,” Aaron explains. “Also, it was an opportunity to teach myself how to understand the essential elements of guided meditations, and therefore how to better understand them, and to be able to replace certain types of spiritual language with scientific and research-based language.” Aaron shared one of his favourite AI-generated meditations with us.

bask in this light and feel the warmth spreading throughout your body.

• When you reach the end of the tunnel, take a moment to rest and breathe in the healing energy of the light. Allow yourself to feel a sense of peace and calm.

• When you’re ready, slowly open your eyes and bring yourself back to the present moment. Take a few deep breaths and remind yourself that you’re safe and in control.

• Take a few deep breaths and allow yourself to fully relax, focusing on the sensation of calmness and relaxation throughout your body. Remember that you can use your voice as a powerful tool to promote relaxation and reduce stress, and that incorporating these simple vocalisations into your daily routine can have a significant impact on your wellbeing.

Aaron’s experiments with AIgenerated meditations are an insight into what this technology might be capable of producing. But as we look to the future, what should we be aware of?

Handle with care

Before we dive in head-first, there are still questions we need to answer. As Dr Molimpakis points out, it’s vitally important that AI tools used in healthcare must be trained on a diverse data set that is representative of all groups of people. It should also be used alongside, and in addition

to, professional care – not as a replacement. And, we should also consider carefully how our health data is stored and used. These are topics that both users and professionals have a responsibility to consider carefully.

However, with all that in mind, AI could still be a positively transformative tool.

“I firmly believe that AI can help destigmatise mental illness and improve access to care by bringing the diagnosis and treatment options onto a more equal footing with those available in physical healthcare,”

illness

Dr Molimpakis says. “AI could very well allow for a more objective and accurate mental health infrastructure to permeate every industry, so that everyone everywhere can have access to the support they need. And that would be truly life-changing.”

I firmly believe that AI can help destigmatise mental

How to feel confident on a first date

Writing | Kathryn

Every love story has to start somewhere, but the first steps into a new relationship aren’t always easy to navigate. With a hundred and one things running through your mind, you can quickly become overwhelmed, and lose your cool. Here, with the help of life coach, body language expert, and psychodynamic specialist Nas Brown, we’ve gathered together six powerful tips to help you feel confident on a first date.

1. Be prepared

“Have a plan,” Nas says. “It’s not enough to be confident in yourself and your abilities; you need to be able to articulate them as well.”

What do you want them to know about you? What are the key things that make you who you are, and how might you be able to express that to them? Nas also suggests thinking about exactly what you want out of this date. For example, if this is the first time you’re meeting, do you want to get to know this person better?

Perhaps you want to establish whether you have common ground, and share the same values. Maybe you are looking to figure out whether this is someone you would like to pursue a long-term connection with. Whatever it is, spend some time before the date thinking about what questions you might want to ask in order to get the most out of your time together.

2. Make a good first impression

Studies have found time and again just how important that first impression is for the success of any kind of relationship. That said, don’t go overthinking it. As Nas suggests, start with the absolute basics: wear clean clothes, comb your hair, brush your teeth, and make sure that you look neat. Once that’s sorted, make sure you’re polite to everyone you encounter – that means your date, but also any service workers or anyone else you interact with throughout.

“Smile!” Nas says. “Smiles go a long way towards making people feel comfortable around us, which helps us feel better about ourselves, too.

“You don’t have to be someone else or pretend to be something that you’re not. Be yourself. Don’t try too hard to impress your date, it will come across as contrived, which can make them feel uncomfortable around you.”

3. Wear something that makes you feel fantastic

“First dates are a time to show your best self and make a good impression. This means that you should dress appropriately for the occasion and be yourself – it’s not about impressing anyone else but yourself!” Nas explains. She recommends wearing something that makes you feel attractive, as well as what you’re most comfortable in. If style is important to you, this may be the time to experiment with expressing yourself. If not, stick to some key rules: choose something

It’s a classically nerve-wracking scenario, but with the right preparation you can cultivate a sense of confidence for your budding romance

Wheeler

that fits well, feels comfortable, is neat, and suits the setting.

4. Be mindful of alcohol

“Alcohol is a depressant. It can make you act differently, say things that are not true to yourself, and do things that would normally be out of character for you,” Nas cautions.

For some people, reaching for a drink when the nerves kick in is almost instinctual. And while there’s a healthy way to consume alcohol, if there’s a chance things could go south, it’s a good idea to establish boundaries for yourself.

You may want to set yourself a limit before you’re even on the date and then, once you’ve met this threshold, switch to soft drinks or water. Alcohol-free versions of drinks, as well as delicious mocktails, are also now fairly common, and can be a great option for a date.

5. Be an active listener

“Ask open-ended questions that invite the other person to share more than just yes or no information,” Nas suggests. “For instance: ‘What was your favourite part of growing up?’, ‘What do you

want out of life?’, or ‘What makes you happy?’

“Ask follow-up questions, if necessary, so that you can clarify what they’ve said before moving on to another question (and then another). For example, if someone says ‘I was very shy as a kid,’ don’t just take this at face value, ask them how they overcame their shyness once they were older. That way, both parties will have an opportunity for deeper conversation without either one feeling like they need to put on airs when talking about themselves or their past experiences.”

When we’re able to make the other person feel heard and comfortable, it’s a lot easier for us to relax. And the more relaxed you are, the more confident you’ll feel, and the better the date will go. Remember, a first date isn’t about one person coming away feeling impressed, it’s about two people connecting. So, breathe, be present, and let it flow.

MEET

THE

5 life-changing organisational tips

Take your spring clean to the next level with these game-changing techniques

Writing | Kathryn Wheeler

Give things a home

Putting something where it belongs is a lot harder when it doesn’t belong anywhere. So, assign homes for all your things. This might be obvious for larger items, but for smaller things you may want to start by grouping them together. For example, gather together all the pesky charging cables in your home, so you have one place to look when you next need to find one. Winter accessories like hats, scarves, and gloves can all go in the same box. Get yourself an old-fashioned binder for documents, and categorise them (for example, ‘home’, ‘car’, ‘health’). Once things belong somewhere, you can start to form new habits like…

After you’ve used something, put it back

So, you’ve just got a pen and paper out to write a quick note. The task is done. What do you do next? This is a key moment in the fight against clutter. Using something and immediately returning it to its place is a great way to stay on top of things.

It’s the same with washing-up –that dreaded task. Washing up a single plate after fixing yourself a slice of toast is no bother, but facing a mountain of dirty dishes that have built up throughout the day is a real mission. Instead of letting mess build up, take micro-steps as you go to remain in control.

One in, one out

A solid way to create a clutterfree life is to uphaul your buying habits, and setting strict boundaries around this can really help you enforce it. The one in, one out approach means that for every new thing that you bring into your home, something else needs to go. We’re not talking about groceries here, but take a new pair of shoes, for example. Are they replacing a worn-out pair, or are they adding to your collection? If it’s the latter, is there a pair that you hardly wear that could be donated to charity? Getting comfortable with having less is a great way to stay on top of clutter, but also a lesson in learning to be happy with what we have.

Organise by how frequently things are used

When you’re putting things away, try to consider where things should go depending on how often you use them. For example, you don’t want to put a hair styling tool that you use every day at the back of a cupboard where you’ll need to pull a load of stuff out first before you get it. So, make your life a little bit easier by bringing this approach to the way you organise.

Something is better than nothing

It can be so easy to feel as though we need to achieve everything all at once and, therefore, if we can’t do it all right it’s not worth doing. But, the truth is that something is always better than nothing. One mug put in the cupboard is something. One coat hung up is something. One room hoovered. One surface wiped. One box recycled. We all have to start somewhere. And it all adds up.

Bring-a-board night

You can make three delicious dips in under 30 minutes

Writing | Laminn-Thaynt McMahon

Food is often at the centre of social gatherings, and bringing your own dish to a get-together is not just a fun way to get everyone involved, but a big part of so many cultures. This recipe is easy to prepare, flavoursome, and makes a great option for a bring-a-board night. What’s more, you will be sharing its nutrient-rich health benefits with your guests!

SPICED FLATBREAD WITH ASSORTED DIPS (GF)

Serves 4

Prep time: 5 minutes

Cooking time: 25 minutes

Ingredients

For the flatbread:

• 150g buckwheat flour

• 3 tbsp Greek yoghurt

• 1 tsp extra virgin olive oil

• Salt and pepper

• 1 tsp garam masala

• ½ tsp baking powder (optional)

For the assorted dips: Guacamole, hummus, and smoked mackerel

• 2 avocados

• 1 fresh lime

• Extra virgin olive oil

• 2–3 cloves of garlic

• Fresh parsley

• 1 can of chickpeas (400g)

• Smoked paprika

• 1 pack of smoked mackerel

• Fresh coriander

• 6 baby plum tomatoes

• 1 medium pointed red pepper

• 2 tsp tomato puree

• 1 tbsp Greek yoghurt

Method

For the flatbread:

• Combine the flatbread ingredients to form a dough.

• Separate into 8 balls and roll each one very thin, roughly 6 inches in diameter.

• On a medium heat, add a little olive oil to a frying pan – you can use spray olive oil.

• Cook each flatbread, turning on both sides. Spray more olive oil if needed.

• Leave aside to cool.

• When ready to serve, cut each flatbread into quarters.

For the guacamole:

• In a bowl, mash the flesh of 2 avocados, a squeeze of lime, 1 tbsp extra virgin olive oil, salt and pepper, and 1 garlic clove, crushed.

• Garnish with a drizzle of olive oil, parsley and finely chopped lime peel (optional).

For the smoked mackerel dip:

• Add the smoked mackerel, fresh coriander, tomatoes, red pepper, tomato puree, 1 garlic clove, a squeeze of lime, 1 tbsp yoghurt and 3 tbsp Extra virgin olive oil to a blender.

• Blend until it forms a smooth creamy dip.

• Garnish with some finely chopped coriander.

For the hummus:

• Blend together a drained can of chickpeas, 5 tbsp extra virgin olive oil, 5 tbsp water, salt and pepper, a squeeze of lime and 1 garlic clove, until smooth.

• Garnish with a drizzle of olive oil, smoked paprika and parsley.

Tips: You can include either green or black olives to any of the dips mix, or a few anchovies to add depth of flavour. You could even use anchovy stuffed olives!

For the smoked mackerel dip, another idea is to use cooked beetroot in place of the tomatoes and pepper to create a lovely deep purple-coloured dip.

The healthy bit

Buckwheat is gluten-free and, therefore, using buckwheat flour in the flatbread means it is suitable for those with coeliac disease, or who are gluten intolerant.

Greek yoghurt can support our bone health with its calcium, selenium and phosphorus. Greek yoghurt also has a higher protein content than regular yoghurt.

Avocados are not only a great source of healthy fats, but also rich in vitamins C and E, giving us antioxidants that help with immune function, as well as heart health.

Plus, avocados and chickpeas both have a high fibre content, which supports our gut function, and healthy bowel motility, as well as keeping us fuller for longer.

Mackerel is an oily fish that provides us with the essential omega-3 fatty acids our bodies cannot make by themselves. You can also get an extra boost of omega-3 if including anchovies.

Finally, garlic can be added to each of the three dips, according to your preference and tolerance. I am always in favour of garlic due to its many medicinal properties. Studies have shown that a high garlic intake can help lower high blood pressure, and reduce the risk of cardiovascular diseases. Garlic also has antioxidant properties and has been linked to helping with the ageing process and preventing the risk of dementia.

Laminn-Thaynt McMahon is passionate about helping people improve their wellbeing through nutrition and lifestyle medicine. Find out more on her profile on the Nutritionist Resource.

Grandparents are plugging the gaps of a system that isn’t working

Gemma Calvert speaks to author, podcaster, and Mother

Pukka founder Anna Whitehouse on the emotional wrangle of ‘gran-nannying’, and why grandparents should not be papering the cracks of an underfunded childcare system...

Interview | Gemma Calvert

Modern-day mums are part of a transitional generation. We’re fighting to keep a sense of our professional selves when the working world is not set up for us to win. Schools finish at 3.15pm while offices close at 6pm, and childcare and wraparound school care is extortionate, with UK parents paying the thirdhighest childcare costs in the world, according to the OECD.

From the end of maternity leave to the age of three when Early Years support currently kicks in, is a devastating juncture in a new mum’s life – the point when many women, unless they put up a good fight, either drop out or are pushed out of the workforce, unable to afford the second mortgage of under-funded childcare.

I’ve been there. It was 18 months after my youngest daughter Esme* was born that I returned to work as a freelance writer, and initially blew my entire earnings on nursery fees. With my husband Matt also working non-stop as a freelance journalist, I’d attempt to write while looking after Esme at home, which was a nightmare. Last minute commissions would come in, and I’d struggle to produce the copy. I could feel my career slipping away.

Seeing that wrangle, my parents Lucia and Chris, stepped in. They live in Oxfordshire, an hour and 45 minutes away from our home in London, and for two years my mum travelled up by train on a Tuesday morning to whisk Esme away until Friday.

I felt grateful, privileged, and lucky to have my parents’ support – some don’t have that luxury –but the set up was heartbreaking. I wanted to raise our daughter, but could only do so if I sacrificed my career, which I didn’t want to do, and handing her over every week, then the subsequent separation anxiety, was traumatic.

My emotions were equally tested when Esme returned. After almost a year, having become so attached to my mum, at night she would call for her grandmother and push me away. In those moments, the sorrow and guilt was unreal. I’d think, ‘Who am I to try and hold on to a career? What am I doing, thinking I deserve this? Be at home with your child, accept you’ve been broken by this system.’ But deep down, I knew I wouldn’t expect my daughter to one day do the same. I wanted to be the blueprint for her.

That horrific myth of ‘wanting it all’? I didn’t. I just desired what I’d been raised to believe could be mine: a successful career as a

working parent – a dream I found was being blocked by maternity discrimination and unequal pay, with women still paid less on average than men. I thought, ‘If I don’t fight for my career, I’m ultimately not fighting for Esme’s.’ I was fighting for the bigger picture, and I couldn’t have done that without my parents.

According to Age UK, 40% of the nation’s 14 million grandparents over the age of 50 have provided regular childcare for their grandkids, and while this has its advantages – keeping grandparents busy and active, offering purpose, and encouraging quality time with grandkids – there are downsides, too. Being directly involved in discipline, and managing things like screen time, diminishes the simplicity of the grandparent-grandchild >>>

I wanted to raise our daughter, but could only do so if I sacrificed my career. The subsequent separation anxiety was traumatic

• Set up a separate WhatsApp group. You’ll be able to distance yourself a little from the normal relationship you have with your parents by having message groups for specific purposes, allowing you to look purely at what’s right for the child in one.

• Determine your path. The Church of England offers sessions for engaged couples to establish what they want to achieve from walking down the aisle. I wish we had taken a similar approach to our relationship with my parents to ask what kind of relationship they wanted with our daughter, and to establish mutually agreed boundaries from the start.

• Create check-in points. Have a probation period for both parties to discuss early on how the set-up

is working. Three months in, ask, ‘Is everyone happy?’ Remove emotion and answer honestly. Laying bare your parenting style, lifestyle, and everything you feel you’re failing at makes you feel vulnerable. Take a deep breath before any exchange around childcare, think ‘This isn’t about my parents or me, this is about what’s right for our child.’

• Find a shared interest. Find something that unites you and your parents that isn’t the child. Mum and I both downloaded the CALM meditation app. Between us, our biggest gripe was that we didn’t talk about anything other than the logistical exchange of childcare. Having little shared avenues mean that, during conversation, your parent doesn’t feel they’re just a childcare mule.

relationship, and can also cause friction with the parents.

As an example, I had a no-sugarafter-7pm rule, but my parents happily gave Esme chocolate after 7pm. Then I became the bad guy after I rang mum to reinforce this. Of course, parents are right to say, ‘These are our rules’ but when grandparents are providing childcare for no financial recompense, many feel forced to pipe down.

Fortunately, mum always took any feedback from me amazingly, but I didn’t do the same in return. One time she observed, ‘Does she need new shoes? Has she grown out of these ones?’ and I was mortified, thinking, ‘Why didn’t I notice that?’

Every woman wants her mother to see her in the best light, but her question made me feel secretly judged for taking my eye off the parenting ball.

Then there was my guilt over denying my parents the retirement they had originally planned. Mum gave up her job as a part-time administrator to help us with childcare, and it was lovely that they spent so much time with Esme, but such responsibility is a huge physical and mental strain after finishing that cycle of life. Unless properly managed, the

Anna’s top four tips for bridging the grandparent gap

Photography | Charlotte Gray

Anna Whitehouse is a successful author, presenter and founder of @mother_pukka and @dirtymotherpukka.

expectation that a grandparent should provide on-tap childcare can quickly build resentment.

After a year, when my parents were no longer able to offer childcare, our financial situation had improved, and thanks to their help we had saved enough to pay for some daycare. Now Esme is nine and her sister is five, my parents are back to being grandparents in the traditional sense, which is lovely. We made it work, but it’s unacceptable that we had no choice but to try.

The UK has the highest childcare costs in Europe, so we must look to our European counterparts where childcare is cheaper and considered infrastructure to see how to do things better, without needing grandparents to hold together the childcare ecosystem. Take Germany, for example, where childcare is capped between 70 and 150 euros. By not properly funding childcare, the government is effectively saying, ‘We don’t believe in equality. We don’t see it as a necessity. We see it as something to be strapped to female shoulders.’

While the spring budget recently announced that 30 hours of free childcare per week will be extended to cover from the end of parental leave until school age,

this won’t come into play until 2024. However, whether this will remain a viable or positive step in the long-term is yet to be seen, given reports that the rates to be paid to nurseries won’t be enough to subsidise costs, and could lead to more closures in future –returning parents to the cycle of a lack of affordable or available childcare options.

Lucia, Anna’s mum, says: “When Anna and Matt needed help with childcare, we wanted to step up to the plate. I can’t deny that, at 63, commuting to London every Tuesday then bringing our granddaughter home for three or four days was tough physically, especially the nights. I’d be very tired at the weekend, feel more normal on Monday, and then the routine would restart.

The set up took us back to when we were parents looking after Anna, and her sister Karen. We did the things that we did with them, like visiting the zoo, instilling values, and teaching manners. With two of us, it wasn’t as stressful as when you’re a working mum and a dad with several children.

Lots of our friends [were surprised we were] committing to the nights

* Name changed

It is of the utmost importance that the government commits to aiding parents returning to work with a system that ensures support is sustainable. The result would see more people in work, a stronger economy, and less of an emotional and financial burden on grandparents who are plugging the gaps of a system that isn’t working.

and, yes, it was tiring, but if I wanted an afternoon off to go swimming or to do pilates, Chris took over. We didn’t stop our lives and as grandparents, we were delighted to have that time.

Some grandparents get fed up of always being asked to help out with childcare, especially at short notice, but Anna and Matt never took advantage of us, and there was never any ill-feeling. Offering childcare was our decision, just as it was our decision when, after a year, Anna and Matt moved further away, and we felt we could no longer help out as much. Arrangements like this require total honesty.

I’m so glad we gave Anna our time, because in that year she started Mother Pukka. I’m so proud of what she’s achieving, and how she’s helping other working mums.

Spice things up

Getting green-fingered isn’t only for those with expansive gardens – there are plenty of plants that can thrive in small spaces, including chillies. Are you ready to feel the heat? Let’s dig in!

Writing | Paul Matson

If you’re passionate about the prospect of growing your own, or excited about the thought of feeling earth between your fingers pursuing a new hobby, chillies are an excellent choice for beginners branching out into gardening. They can be grown indoors or out, thrive in pots, and don’t need to take up masses of space. Sounds intriguing?

While they may not be considered a traditional garden crop, our palates have become increasingly accustomed to hot flavours, which makes these peppers a great addition to your green-fingered pursuits, as well as your exploits in the kitchen. Plus, you can pick from a range of different shapes, colours, and heat – from cultivars that give a delicate tingle to those with scorching firepower.

It is a chemical compound in the chilli – capsaicin – that stimulates the nerve endings in the mouth, skin, and eyes. The more capsaicin a chilli has, the hotter it is (so do be careful where you touch when cooking). This

pungency is measured according to Scoville heat units, so, for example, a bell pepper has a score of 0 so without spice at all, pepperoncini is considered reasonably mild (100–600 on the Scoville rating), while a habanero, for comparison, is rated between 80,000 and 600,000.

Essentially, what this means is there is a chilli cultivar to suit every palate and cuisine, so have fun and experiment. Try growing ‘Caribbean Antillais’ for its small, aromatic fruits, or ‘Fiesta’, an ornamental plant whose fruits are very hot indeed. ‘Demon Red’ produces upward-pointing, bright red fruits that are used in Thai cooking. The beauty of buying seeds is the sheer variety available.

So, where to begin? Chillies are grouped into four types:

• Annum – single white or purple flowers. Try ‘cayenne’ and ‘jalapeño’.

• Frutescens – Straight, spicy and small. Try ‘tabasco’, ‘bird’s eye’ and ‘piri piri’.

firepower

• Chinense – Mostly very hot, small and round. Try ‘scotch bonnet’ and ‘habanero’.

• Baccatum – Wrinkly fruits and brown or green spots on flower petals. Try ‘aji’.

You can pick from a range of different shapes, colours, and heat – from cultivars that give a delicate tingle to those with scorching

A guide to growing chillies

Sowing season: February to April (UK)

To begin, get some 9cm pots filled with peat-free seed compost, and place two of your chosen seeds in each one. Water a little, then cover with a clear plastic bag and place on a warm, sunny windowsill, or in an airing cupboard. Over the next few days, keep the soil moist, but not soaking wet. After a week or so, you should see the seedlings start to emerge, and it’s at this stage that you can remove the plastic bag. Continue to grow your shoots indoors in a warm spot. If both seeds have germinated, remove the weaker of the two, giving the remaining seedling more room to establish healthy roots.

‘SowHow: A modern guide to grow-yourown veg’ by Paul Matson & Lucy Anna Scott is out now in paperback (Pavilion Books, £12.99).

Once the chilli seedlings are about 10cm (4in) tall, it’s time to move them into bigger pots – they will stop growing if not transplanted. Use dark-coloured containers as these are better at retaining heat, then place them in a sunny, warm spot. A mini greenhouse is best as this provides the warmth that chilli plants crave, and you can get narrow, compact versions that fit into the corners of small gardens. However, given a decent summer, most plants will do fine outside uncovered, direct in soil, as long as there’s no chance of frost. To give your chillis the best chance of success, plant them in the sunniest spot in your garden, and space 45cm (18in) apart.

Keep watering to prevent the chilli plants drying out, but don’t let the soil get waterlogged. Misting plants with a water bottle, especially those in a greenhouse, will help the fruit set, and keep pesky red spider mites away. You may want to occasionally feed with an organic fertiliser, such as kelp meal, when the first flowers appear.

If you choose to grow plants indoors, once the flowers appear, open windows to allow pollinators access. Or you can actually pollinate them yourself, by carefully dabbing the centre of each flower with a dry paint brush.

When the chillies are ready to harvest, from late summer onwards, use a knife or secateurs to cut them from the stem. The more mature the fruit, the more colourful and better flavoured it will be. But it’s fine to pick a few of the chillies while they are still green, as this will encourage a larger crop.

Should you end up with more than you can eat, freezing is an excellent way to preserve chillies. Spread them out on a tray so they are not touching, and pop them in the freezer. Then you can enjoy adding an instant homegrown kick to your cooking for many months to come.

5 ways to tackle depression while working from home

Stay on top of your wellbeing with these supportive suggestions

Occupying the same four walls every day can certainly take its toll, not least on our mental health. Although remote working offers more flexibility and freedom, the lack of social contact can leave some employees feeling isolated. And with the number of people working from home some of time expected to rise to 25% by the end of this year, it’s more necessary than ever to take care of our emotional wellbeing. But what are the solutions?

As someone who has worked remotely for over a year now, I know just how difficult it is to keep positive when left to your own company. So, I have drawn on all my domestic wisdom to create an easy guide for those who might find themselves struggling in 2023.

Make every step count

Exercise is absolutely essential if you are working from home, particularly for cultivating a strong mental attitude. A study from the Harvard T.H. Chan School of Public Health found that even just running up to 15 minutes per day, or walking for an hour, can reduce

the risk of major depression by 26%. It doesn’t sound like much exercise, but it’s more valuable than you might initially believe. Long periods of inertia, such as those spent indoors, have been known to cause a variety of depressive symptoms including low self-esteem and tearfulness. Physical activity not only releases endorphins, which serve to relieve stress and pain, but also gives you a break from your work routine. Whether it’s cycling or pilates, spare just 15 minutes each day and you will notice the difference in your mindset immediately.

A change of scenery

Even subtle changes to your routine can make all the difference in your mood. Though it may seem rather frivolous, changing your workspace every now and again can keep things from growing stale. Trust me, there is nothing worse than inhabiting the same room for months on end. You might as well be chalking tally marks on a prison wall. Therefore, changing your surroundings is an effective way of reviving your enthusiasm.

Rather than spend all your time hunched behind a desk, why not migrate around your house or kick your feet up somewhere more comfortable? If you are feeling adventurous, you could even work from a café. These little escapades lend your week a certain degree of variety, and prevent the days from bleeding into one another.

Reconnect with nature

There’s nothing that gives people who work from home quite so keen a pleasure as getting outside. It’s been well-documented that greater exposure to the outdoors has a host of benefits, from increased happiness to a heightened sense of purpose. I found that taking daily walks in the countryside can have a relaxing effect on the mind, releasing you from the claustrophobia that comes with long-term remote working. Allot a small portion of your day to outdoor activities, whether it be during your lunch break or a short interval between meetings. This will reduce your stress levels and make you realise there are finer things in life than your computer screen.

Writing | Richard Sayell Illustrating | Rosan Magar

Light exposure

Sunlight is vital for your mental wellbeing as it maintains your internal body clock, otherwise known as your circadian rhythm. Long periods of time without sunlight exposure can disrupt this cycle, causing your brain to limit the release of serotonin. This chemical is important for many bodily functions including sleep, digestion, and mood.

I discovered that the best way to guarantee yourself enough sunlight while working from home is by using a seasonal affective disorder (SAD) light. This device imitates sunlight, which

is especially helpful in the winter season. I recommend sitting near this light for 30 minutes each morning to lift your mood, and add some brightness to your day.

Awaken your social butterfly

Remember to keep on top of your social life. While you might enjoy your homely comforts, it doesn’t mean that you should distance yourself from others. If most of your social interactions are via Zoom, then it might be worthwhile to schedule more plans in person. Psychologist Susan Pinker states that face-

to-face interactions activate a fusion of neurotransmitters, which police anxiety and stress levels in the body. This is because something so minimal as a handshake or a hug releases oxytocin, and reduces your cortisol levels. Don’t deprive yourself of these happy hormones by staying indoors every evening. Get some plans in the diary. It’s the small things that go a long way to improving your mental health.

Richard Sayell is an SEO content writer with a keen interest in music, sports, and lifestyle.

Happiful reads...

Becoming a mother can be a fulfilling and wonderful transition in a woman’s life, but we would be lying if we said it was easy. From a never-ending list of demands to recurring feelings of exhaustion, many parents can find themselves losing touch with their pre-pregnancy identity. So, how can we regain the part of our identity that was lost in

Must reads

To Stand and Stare: How to Garden While Doing Next to Nothing

by Andrew Timothy

O’Brien (Out now)

Online gardening coach Andrew O’Brien invites you to nurture your mind and your garden through the use of philosophy, mindfulness, and his practical gardening expertise. So if you’re ready to plant the seeds of simply being, and begin enjoying your garden for the sanctuary that it was made for, this book is for you.

the process, while bossing motherhood along the way?

Speaking from experience, author and co-founder of the parenting app ‘Bloss’ bares all in her honest and inspiring guide to help you come out the other side. Along with 30 Bloss experts, Binky shares her trustworthy advice on topics

Tiny Traumas: When You Don’t Know What’s Wrong, But Nothing Feels Quite Right by Dr Meg Arroll (Out now)

When life’s ‘little’ stressors build up over time, it can leave us feeling numb, and they can escalate into something more serious. Instead of sweeping them under the carpet, use Dr Meg Arroll’s transformative exercises and coping strategies to help you take action, and build a life you deserve.

The Making of You: A Guide to Finding Your Identity and Bossing Motherhood by

Binky Felstead (Out now)

surrounding co-parenting, body confidence, and managing money and work – all in the name of helping you become the best version of yourself and to enjoy motherhood for all that it is.

Cook, Batch, Freeze: Easy meals to Feed Your Family On a Budget by Sara Lewis (Out now)

Looking for ways to save money and time? Author and avid foodie Sara Lewis is here to show you how to do exactly that, without cutting back on flavour. Packed with 100 delicious recipes, Cook, Batch, Freeze enlightens us on how to get the most out of the one tool that gets such negative press: our handy freezer.

Writing | Lauren Bromley-Bird

From a book about bossing motherhood to a cookbook that will save you time and money, here are four reads we think should make your reading list

Cutting ties: what is family estrangement and is it the right thing to do?

Families are difficult, complex, and nuanced things. They can be full to the brim with love, resentment, joy, anger, and everything in between. If you’ve ever had a difficult relationship with a family member and thought to yourself “I’m done”, you’re certainly not alone. Perhaps rows have escalated, and you’ve had stints of not speaking. For some, taking things a step further and cutting contact entirely feels necessary

So what can you do then, if you’re thinking about cutting ties with a family member, and is it the right approach to take?

What is family estrangement?

Family estrangement is a term used when someone has cut off contact with a family member. This may be a parent, a child,

a sibling, or a member of their extended family. Estrangement will look different for everyone; for some, there will be extended periods of time with no contact at all and, for others, there may be moments of reconnection. Like families themselves, the nature of estrangement is nuanced and highly personal. There are a number of reasons why someone may want to cut ties with a family member. According to estrangement charity Stand Alone, some reasons may include differing beliefs around sexuality, gender, religion or money, abusive behaviour, addiction or unacknowledged/untreated mental illness. Whatever the reasons are, they often build up over time until a tipping point instigates estrangement.

Research from Stand Alone suggests that one in five families in the UK is affected by estrangement, with some researchers and therapists calling it a ‘silent epidemic’. Polarising political views, a difference in values, and a growing awareness of relational impacts on mental wellness all seem to be adding fuel to this fire, with experts noting that we are moving towards a more individualistic culture.

I’m thinking about cutting off contact with a family member, what should I do?

If you’ve been considering cutting ties with a family member, finding your way to a decision may feel daunting. Only you know your circumstances, and what is best for you. However, if you haven’t already tried speaking >>>

We explore what can lead people to cut off contact with family members, and the steps you may want to explore first

Writing | Kat Nicholls

to your family member, as counsellor Alexis Pfeiffer highlights, this can be an essential first step.

“Find a way of communicating your issue with the family member in a calm way. Listen carefully to their viewpoint in order to understand better why they are behaving that way.

“If communication is too difficult and becomes emotional or inflammatory, I suggest relationship or family therapy. Counselling provides a safe space for sensitive subjects to be discussed, because the presence of the therapist ensures that each person speaks respectfully and gets a fair hearing.”

As Alexis notes, ending contact out of the blue without voicing your concerns at all can be problematic. “It can leave both parties feeling hurt, blamed,

and misunderstood, and the problem is never addressed, but festers like a deep wound.”

Finding a way to keep the relationship may feel right for you and, if it is, getting support from a professional such as a counsellor can help. But if you’ve tried these methods and their behaviour hasn’t changed, or if there is another reason you’ve decided the relationship isn’t worth pursuing, or you feel unsafe entering a dialogue with them, you may decide to go down the estrangement route.

We can’t reach for it as a ‘quick-fix’ for our problems, nor can we remain in harmful situations

“I’ve been no-contact with one of my parents for more than 10 years now,” Happiful writer Bonnie Evie Gifford tells us.

“For me, cutting off that person was like having a weight lifted. Suddenly, this pressure and tension I wasn’t even aware had been setting me on edge, was gone. I didn’t have to secondguess myself, or worry that my decisions would cause upset. I could finally focus on what was best for me, for my mental health, and what I needed to be happy. It was a highly personal decision, one that took years to make.”

Moving on after estrangement

If you have made the decision to cut contact, you may be left with a raft of emotions. You may relate to Bonnie, who felt a weight lift. But you might feel a sense of grief at what you’ve lost.

For many, surrounding themselves with friends as their ‘chosen family’ can be important, as well as seeking solidarity from fellow estranged people. Moving forward with your life is possible, and some find it helpful to explore this in therapy. Working within a safe space can help you heal and forge a new path.

In some cases, time apart, self-development work and therapeutic support may even pave the way to reconnection and reconciliation in the future. For others, it cements their decision.

“I still have well-meaning friends and family who like to say that I will change my mind, especially as I reach certain life milestones, or as my estranged parent ages,” Bonnie says. “But I can wholeheartedly say that I have not regretted my decision. And I can’t see that changing any time soon.”

So, is cutting ties the right thing to do? It seems there are polarising views on this, with some believing it should only be considered if there has been abuse, and others who champion its benefits. Perhaps then, the answer sits in the messy middle. Instead of deeming it ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ we can sit back and accept

it for what it is, a complex knot of rights and wrongs.

We can’t reach for it as a ‘quick fix’ for our problems, nor can we remain in harmful situations. What feels important, then, is taking the necessary time to examine and pick apart the knot, until we can unravel what’s right for us.

My child has cut off contact, what can I do?

Being on the other side of estrangement can be incredibly difficult. “To a parent, it can feel like a living bereavement,” Alexis says. “They may be ashamed to talk about it for fear of being judged as a bad parent.”

To help you cope with what’s happened, Alexis suggests the following:

• Try therapy – preferably with a therapist who has experience of estrangement. They can help you reach out to your adult child to see if they’d be willing to have relationship therapy with you in order to help you understand their grievances. It may be helpful to apologise for any hurt you have inadvertently caused your child, and to write an amends letter.

• Join a support group for estranged parents, there are quite a few on Facebook to explore.

• Read up on estrangement. I would recommend The Rules of Estrangement by Joshua Coleman, and Reconnecting With Your Estranged Adult Child by Tina Gilbertson.

Alexis Pfeiffer is an integrative counsellor specialising in relationships. To learn more about Alexis and how therapy can support you, visit the Counselling Directory

Finding your purpose with ikigai

Uncovering your true calling, your ‘reason for being’, the thing that drives and fulfils you, can be transformative. Here, our expert columnist, Kieran Townsend, reveals just how you can unearth yours

While there is no direct translation, ikigai can be likened to a reason for being, and what gets you up in the morning. In their book Ikigai: The Japanese secret for a long and happy life, authors Hector Garcia and Francesc Miralles explain that those who discover their ikigai have everything they need for a long and joyful life, attributing ikigai to explain the longevity of the Japanese population.

I’ve been fascinated by the Japanese model of ikigai since coming across it, and have been applying this to my own life since then. When coaching, I use this concept to shift young people’s way of thinking to start discovering their own ikigai. Knowing your ikigai gives you clarity, helps to shape your lifestyle, and find meaning.

HOW TO FIND YOUR IKIGAI

Our ikigai lies inside us, and requires introspection and selfawareness to discover it. In my experience, focusing on four key questions has been impactful. I adapt the wording slightly to make this resonate, and have found it

to be a powerful tool for young people. So, to find your own ikigai, begin by asking yourself these questions:

WHAT DO YOU LOVE?

Love can be a strong and sometimes confusing word. So if this feels like a sticking point for you, another way to frame this is thinking about what things you lose track of time doing, or what you truly enjoy. I find these reframes really help to generate lots more ideas, which really kick starts the process.

WHAT DOES THE WORLD NEED?

This wording can feel slightly overwhelming, but you can dial this down by focusing on your own community first. Essentially break this big question down into smaller steps, which may start with doing simple acts of kindness, or service for others. Start small, then expand.

WHAT CAN YOU BE PAID FOR?

We all need to pay our bills, so this is about finding out if the thing you take most joy in doing has career potential. Sometimes, our passions might not have a payday right off

the bat – we may need to gain experience through volunteering, or expand our knowledge with a course first. Alternatively, it might turn out to be something you probably won’t make a living from, more a purposeful hobby, which is fine if it ticks other boxes for you, creating happiness and fulfilment in other life areas by exploring it.

WHAT ARE YOU GOOD AT?

Self-awareness is key here. However, seeing it from another’s perspective can help us to generate more ideas. We are often reserved in saying what we think we are good at, or sometimes do things well and don’t realise. I liken this to Peter Pan, when the children ask him how to fly, he forgets how at first because

Kieran is a youth development coach and mentor. Find out more by visiting the Life Coach Directory

Kieran Townsend BA hons NLP MHFA

it comes naturally! So ask around – you may be surprised at what people say.

TRY IT FOR YOURSELF!

You can try exploring these questions either with a pen and paper, or digitally; simply split your pages into four sections, one for each question, and look for any overlaps in your answers. Then, you could take the ideas, themes, or things that come up, and drop them into a table so you can list them all in one place for clarity. Throughout this process, notice how you are feeling and any sensations in the body – are you feeling excited? What is your intuition trying to tell you?

If you have some items which tick every box, this could well be your unique ikigai!

Practical tips

• Make the process fun – go somewhere to change up your energy, such as a coffee shop, put your headphones in, and order yourself a nice coffee on a Sunday morning.

• Don’t discount two overlaps –they can build with time and effort.

• Review this every six months. Add this activity to your calendar, because as life changes, so do our motivations.

• Don’t get hung up on the “What can I be paid for” section, as this may come later.

• See if you can bring elements of what you love or enjoy into where you are currently if you feel out of alignment, e.g. if you enjoy reading, can you start a book club at work?

Examples from my coaching sessions to give you an idea: One client loves doing woodwork, and is very talented at creating unique furniture for display and storage. This is something the world needs, and so they are now experimenting with ideas to sell to their local community as a first step. My client used to play handball back in his native country; this is something they enjoyed doing and were good at. We identified this could benefit the local community, encouraging them to socialise, be active, and try something new. While this might not be something he can be paid for, it is very much a purposeful hobby.

“ Knowing your ikigai gives you clarity, helps to shape your lifestyle, and find meaning

Photograph | Deden Dicky Ramdhani

“

For even the very wise cannot see all ends THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING, JRR TOLKIEN

Support a loved one experiencing job loss

Given so much of our lives is spent working, it’s no surprise that losing a job can be a huge blow, and a shock to the system. Here, we share ways you can be there when someone you care for is going through this difficult transition

Writing | Caroline Butterwick

Whether a restructure at work has led to redundancy, someone is being let go after their probation period, or a contract has come to an end, facing job loss can be a scary, stressful, and upsetting experience.

When someone we care about is in this situation, we want to do everything we can to help. But it isn’t always easy to know what to do or what to say. Here, we explore the ways you can be there for a loved one experiencing job loss.

Understanding how they feel

People respond differently to job loss, and it’s normal for them to feel a range of emotions. “Some individuals are more mentally

sensitive than others, meaning those who have lost their job, either suddenly or planned, may feel they have a lack of emotional control,” explains coach Nikki Culverwell.

“They may feel frightened, panic may set in, they may be thinking a lot of ‘what ifs’, worrying about the bigger situation. They also may feel a loss of confidence, and feel they may have a loss of routine.”

It’s important to understand our loved one’s emotions, and to let them know we are there to support them. This can help them realise how we still value them, which is especially important in this situation where their self-esteem may have been affected.

What to say

While there may be ways you can help them with finding solutions to their problem, try not to rush in and attempt to ‘fix’ everything for them. Avoid putting pressure on them, or telling them what they need to do now.

Nikki suggests avoiding saying things like, “At least you had a job!” and “What are you going to do?” when speaking to them. Try not to minimise how they are feeling, or to make them more panicked.

“When someone has heard news about their job loss, it is important to show you care and listen,” explains Nikki. She recommends the following as things that it may be helpful to say: >>>

• Would you like any support?

• Do you need anything from me?

• How can I help right now?

• I know this is difficult right now, I understand how you are feeling.

• Would you like to meet up?

• I believe you are strong and can get through this.

Show your support

“Encouraging an individual to stay connected to the environment and others is really important as it gives us a sense of purpose, and has a positive impact on our emotional wellbeing,” says Nikki. “By doing practical things, this will reinforce that there is more to their identity than just their job.” She suggests doing enjoyable activities together. Could you treat them to lunch at their favourite café? Is there a peaceful walk you could do together at a local park? Or maybe there are other activities they like that

By doing practical things, this will reinforce that there is more to their identity than just their job

could help them feel better, like seeing a film or going to a gig. Keep in regular contact with them too, giving them space to talk about their situation, but also finding other things to speak about. Show them that you care about them, and enjoy their company – that they matter to you, regardless of what they are doing workwise.

Practical support

While you shouldn’t put pressure on your loved one, it can help to know what resources are out there for if and when they are ready to look for another job. The National Careers Service (nationalcareers.service.gov.uk) and prospects.ac.uk offer valuable career information, advice, and guidance. There may be organisations where you live that help people find work – they can ask at the local job centre, or do a Google search to find out what’s available. If they went to university, they may still be

able to access advice from their careers service as a graduate.

It’s common to be concerned about money when experiencing job loss. The Money Helper website (moneyhelper.org.uk) is a useful resource, with advice on the financial impact of job loss, and dealing with money worries.

If they are struggling with their mental health, you can gently suggest that they get support, such as from their GP, mental health team, or a qualified counsellor. Ask them whether they’d like you to go to the appointment with them, or if there’s anything else you can do.

Looking after your own wellbeing

Supporting a loved one who’s lost their job can be tough. You may desperately want to solve the situation, and feel hopeless at seeing someone you care about struggling. You might feel angry that they’ve been

put through this, worried about their future, and concerned about their mental health and wellbeing.

But be sure to look after your own mental health, too. Talking to others can help, whether a trusted friend or a professional. Nikki also recommends selfcare. You could use mindfulness techniques, or stay connected to nature by going outside for relaxing walks.

“Almost all of us will know the emotional rollercoaster of losing a job, and none of us should go through it alone,” says Nikki. “Remember, you’re entitled to seek support and stay connected, so don’t feel guilty. We are only human after all, and you’re allowed to look after yourself.”

Job loss is a common experience, and difficult for you and your loved one. Showing your support will help you both get through this and move forwards.

Almost all of us will know the emotional rollercoaster of losing a job, and none of us should go through it alone

What is secondhand stress and how do I get rid of it?

Studies have shown that stress can be contagious. So, how do we stop the secondhand stress before it spirals and we feel overwhelmed?

Writing | Bonnie Evie Gifford

Stress. It can be overwhelming, can’t it? As a nation, as many as three in four (74%) of us have felt overwhelmed and unable to cope in the past year, according to figures from the Mental Health Foundation. Whether it’s financial worries, relationship difficulties, or feelings of being overworked and underappreciated, unfortunately, it’s not just our own stress that’s keeping us up at night.

Research has shown that, thanks to emotional contagion, it’s possible for us to ‘catch’ stress, anxiety, and other emotions from people, as demonstrated in a study published in Research in Organizational Behaviour. Just watching someone else showing classic signs of stress can be enough to trigger a stress response in us, which can lead to further feelings of exhaustion, worry, and even starting to avoid certain colleagues, friends, family, and loved ones.

So, what can we do to spot the signs of secondhand stress before it starts to take hold of us? And

how can we get rid of secondhand stress for good?

What is secondhand stress and anxiety?

The terms secondhand stress and secondhand anxiety refer to when you begin to feel stressed or anxious, because someone else is showing signs of stress or anxiety. Essentially, our minds and bodies are wired to keep an eye out for potential danger or threats. When we see someone else having a stress or anxiety reaction, we can unconsciously end up mimicking this, as a natural form of selfdefence.

We’re able to pick up secondhand stress by seeing others’ facial expressions, hearing their voice frequency, and even recognising specific scents or touches. What’s more, we’re more likely to experience secondhand stress from someone we know, rather than a stranger – meaning our colleagues’ or loved ones’ stress levels, and how they react to and express those feelings of stress, can have a serious impact on us.

Of course, being there for those we care about when they’re going through a challenging time is important, but it’s essential we’re able to do so without it costing our own mental wellbeing, by finding a way to maintain a balance between supporting someone without taking on their stress.

How do you know if someone is stressing you out?

There are a number of different signs and symptoms of stress that we can keep an eye out for. These can include emotional symptoms (feeling frustrated, quick to anger, anxious, overwhelmed, teary, or avoiding others or social situations) or physical symptoms (trouble sleeping, feeling dizzy, excessive sweating, chest pains or palpitations, digestive problems, or seeking comfort from food, drugs or alcohol). But there are also signs to watch for that can indicate being around someone else may be causing you secondhand stress, including:

▲ Stress eating or drinking when they are around (e.g. eating more when you’re around someone, as a way to self-soothe or cope with how you are feeling).

▲ Checking your phone or avoiding eye contact while talking to others. This can be a sign that you are feeling uncomfortable with what is being shared, or are experiencing stress and overwhelm (though it’s worth noting that not everyone is comfortable with prolonged eye contact, so this isn’t always a clear sign).

▲ Fidgeting (e.g. tapping your feet, bouncing your leg, clicking a pen, or drumming your fingers) or biting your nails can both be common ways to cope with stress, anxiety, or general feelings of nervousness. If you find yourself doing this frequently around the same person or situation, it could be a sign. >>>

When we see someone else having a stress reaction, we can unconsciously end up mimicking this, as a natural form of self-defence

▲ Avoiding specific people or situations (e.g. leaving the room, stopping your conversation whenever a specific person arrives, making plans without them, or being slow to respond to their messages can be signs that you may unconsciously be trying to remove stressors from your life).

▲ You find yourself experiencing tension headaches or feeling overly tired when or shortly after you have to see or deal with them.

▲ You’d rather skip out on your favourite activities than spend extra time around them.

How do I get rid of secondhand stress?

According to the experts, it’s virtually impossible to completely avoid secondhand stress, thanks to our constant connections with others. We can experience secondhand stress thanks to verbal, nonverbal, and even written communication, meaning any time we interact with someone else (consciously or coincidently), we risk exposure. But that doesn’t have to mean that secondhand stress will always rule our lives. There are different skills, behaviours, and even environmental changes we can make to help us become more aware and cope with feelings

of secondhand stress. If you’re unsure of where to start, here are a few simple tips:

• Learn to spot the signs and identify the cause. Not all types of stress are bad for us – or even avoidable. Big life events or changes can naturally come with feelings of stress or anxiety. And some forms of stress can help us in the short-term, by motivating us to keep deadlines, avoiding behaviours that could cause us to become injured, or staying focused and present in the moment during high-pressure situations.

Through learning to take a step back, analysing, and

Struggling to cope with feelings of stress and anxiety? Connect with a professional using the Counselling Directory.

acknowledging how you are feeling, you can start to recognise when the stress you are feeling might not all be your own. Picking up on the signs that others in your life may be stressed can be the first step towards understanding what type of stress you and/or they are experiencing, and can help to face that head-on.

• Be there to listen, offer advice, or help out. Everyone handles stress differently. Some people appreciate the chance to let off steam and vent, while others value input and advice when they’re struggling. If you’ve got a colleague, friend, or family member who’s going through a difficult time, check in with them and ask what they need. They may not be ready to talk, or may not even know what will help, but opening up the conversation and letting them know that you are there can be a great comfort. If they don’t seem to have the capacity to talk or work things through right now, giving them space and returning to the conversation at a later date can help avoid adding additional stress for either of you right now. Pushing an issue before someone is ready to talk about it rarely helps, and can cause more anxiety and stress in the short-term.

• Take a break. Sometimes, removing ourselves from the situation or environment can be best for everyone involved. Perhaps you’re feeling frustrated that no progress is being made, or it seems like you’re stuck in someone else’s cycle of negativity. It’s OK to take a step back from the situation (or person) until you have the chance to look after yourself, and put your own emotional and physical needs first. You can’t help someone if you’re running on empty – no matter how hard you try.

• Emulate the mindset you want to cultivate. We’ve all heard the advice that we should surround ourselves with positive people in order to best cultivate a positive, growth mindset. Just like negative emotions can be contagious, so too can positive ones. Focus on sharing and promoting the feelings you hope to see in others around you. This could be through practising positive affirmations to soothe feelings of anxiety, or to help create a sense of calm. Practising mindful breathing techniques to reduce or manage stress can help you to feel like you are regaining control in the moment, if you are beginning to feel overwhelmed by others or your reactions to specific situations.

Even making time to have a more mindful, clearly defined break away from your keyboard or desk can help you to clear your mind, calm your breathing, and take a much-needed few minutes to yourself to recentre. Through modelling healthier coping mechanisms and behaviours, you can challenge unhelpful workplace habits, and help to show colleagues who may be overwhelmed that it’s OK to step back, take a breather, and let yourself rest, before jumping back into things.

• Acknowledge and accept that it’s not all in your control. No matter how much we want to support and help others, it’s healthy to remind ourselves that other people’s feelings, thoughts, and reactions aren’t within our control. All we can do is work on our own reactions.

Learning how to recognise, acknowledge, and sit with our own feelings can help us to feel more resilient to those around us. While we can still be kind, considerate and compassionate, at the end of the day, while we may do our best to help support those around us, all we can do is focus on being kind to ourselves, and ensuring we are looking after our own mental, emotional, and physical health.

Healing can look like...

Treating yourself with compassion

Respecting your own

boundaries

Opening yourself up to support from others

Having difficult conversations

Accepting all experiences and parts of yourself

Realising the journey isn’t always linear

Knowing you are not alone

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