Volume 21, Issue 3

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Dear The Future, You are here and you are now. Wait, isn’t that a Bright Eyes song?

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Editor-in-Chief Erin Schmalfeld Assistant Editors Emmy Ballard James Shea Editor Editor Grant Golland Art Editor Melissa Rachel Black Sexpert Coordinator Julia Fogelson Business Manager Jun Takeda 2I¿FLDO 'DG RI )5/ Nicole’s Dad Contributors Alex Lord, Allyson Burkholder, Alyssa Brown, Amanda Vivrette, Amy McCrory, Andrew Montes, Antonia Pecchia, Ashley Jang, Aviva Wolman, Brendan Woodruff, Brian Harker, Carly McGaugh, Christina Booth, Chris Gaitan, Cody Reiss, Dan Brownson, Danielle Enns, Darlene McCoy, Dave Berger, David Dines, David Perlmutter, Eamon Donovan, Eric Barger, Evan Drakes, Everest Dillon- Hurley, Gavin Morgan, Gregory Ronquillo, James Farmer, Jared Rosen, Jeremy Sherman, Joe Rihn, Jordan Schmidt, Julia Fogelson, Jun Takeda, Katie Butler, Lana Preszler, Mark Delyani, Matt Lutsky, Maya Ysaguirre, Michael Guia, Molly Calahane, Nicole Green, Paul Schulmann, Peter Fenton, Phillip Elliot, Philippa Todhunter, Ryan Zim, Sabrina Sierra, Samer Hosn, Scott Hanshew, Shane Frykholm, Sohrob Eghtessadi, Stacey Enoch, Steven Quach, Tim Irvine, Victor Orozco, Victoria Hollis, Vincent Colavin, Zoe Toffaleti 6QDLO 0DLO Attn: The Fish Rap Live! Press Center University of California, Santa Cruz 1156 High Street Santa Cruz, CA 95064-1077 ¿VKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP )DFXOW\ 6SRQVRU Mike Rotkin -RLQ )LVK 5DS /LYH 7XHVGD\V S P XSVWDLUV # $5&HQWHU %HFRPH D )DQ RQ )DFHERRN search: The Fish Rap Live! )ROORZ )5/ RQ 7ZLWWHU ZZZ WZLWWHU FRP ¿VKUDSOLYH )ULHQG XV RQ 1HRSHWV

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

JAN ‘10

FROM THE EDITOR +H\ FXWLH SLHV , WKLQN WKH ODVW WLPH , ZURWH D OHWWHU WR \RX , ZDV DOO DPSHG DERXW RXU ELJ SDJH LVVXH , JRW D FRXSOH HPDLOV DERXW LW VR , NQRZ WKDW SHRSOH QRWLFHG WKDW RXU Âł SDJH LVVXH´ ZDV D ORW PRUH OLNH D Âł SDJH LVVXH ´ )XQQ\ VWRU\ 7KLV LV KRZ LW JRHV About a week before that issue came out we decided to “investigateâ€? a local Santa Cruz attraction by getting LQFUHGLEO\ KDPPHUHG LQ WKH SDUNLQJ ORW WDNLQJ D WRXU DQG XQDEDVKHGO\ KLWWLQJ RQ RXU XQGHUDJHG WRXU JXLGH :HÂśUH D FODVV\ EXQFK 6R ZH ZURWH XS WKLV DUWLFOH ZHQW WR SULQW DQG LVVXHV ODWHU ZH ZHUH D OLWWOH OHVV VXUH DERXW KRZ FRRO LW ZDV IRU XV WR FRPSDUH WKLV NLGÂśV GLFN WR D [ 6R D FRXSOH GHGLFDWHG VWDIIHUV SDFNHG D IHZ ERZOV DQG SXW on the Twilight PRYLH DQG ZHQW WKURXJK HYHU\ LVVXH DQG WRRN RXW WKH VSUHDG WKDW ZHÂśG PDGH ,W ZDV D EXPPHU DQG ZH ORVW D ORW RI JUHDW FRQWHQW EXW OLIH JRHV RQ $Q\ZD\V P\VHOI DQG D IHZ RWKHUV VKRZHG XS WR WKH KRXVH ZKHUH WKRVH EOD]HG )LVK 5DSSHUV ZHUH WHDULQJ LW XS :H DVNHG RXUVHOYHV ZKDW WKH IXFN DUH ZH JRLQJ WR GR ZLWK SDJHV RI IXOO VL]HG QHZVSULQW" 7KH DQVZHU ZDV FOHDU :H ZHUH JRLQJ WR VHW WKRVH IXFNHUV RQ ÂżUH 6R ZH WURWWHG RXW WR D SDUNLQJ ORW PDGH D JLDQW SLOH RI SDSHU DQG OLW LW XS 7KH EOD]H ZDV JORULRXV DQG LW UHPDLQV RQH RI WKH FRROHVW VLJKWV ,ÂśYH HYHU VHHQ :H GDQFHG DURXQG WKH ÂżUH Ă€LSSLQJ RII WKH Ă€DPHV DQG VFUHDPLQJ DW WKH WRS RI RXU OXQJV Âł)8&. 7+( ),6+ 5$3 /,9( ´ ,W ZDVQÂśW DV FRRO ZKHQ WKH FRSV VKRZHG XS WKRXJK $QG HYHQ OHVV FRRO ZKHQ WKH )LUH 0DUVKDOV DUULYHG , JRW WR Ă€LUW ZLWK WKH GUHDP\ ORFDO ÂżUH JX\V ZKLOH *UDQW H[SODLQHG WR WKH FRSV WKDW ZH GLGQÂśW ZDQW WR EH VXHG IRU OLEHO VR ZH KDG WR GHVWUR\ WKH HYLGHQFH HWF HWF HWF $IWHU SRXULQJ RYHU ÂżUH FRGH PDQXDOV QHLWKHU WKH SROLFH QRU WKH ÂżUHPHQ FRXOG ÂżQG DQ\ UHJXODWLRQV WKDW ZHÂśG EURNHQ 1RW only were we not arrested, but the cops thought the whole thing was awesome and wanted us to write about LW LQ RXU QH[W LVVXH DQG GHOLYHU DOO IXWXUH LVVXHV WR WKHLU VWDWLRQ :H JRW RII ZLWK D KXQGUHG GROODU WLFNHW WKDW WKH\ QHYHU HYHQ ÂżOHG 7KHUHÂśV QHYHU D GXOO PRPHQW ZKHQ \RXÂśUH )LVK 5DSSLQJ %XW WKLV WLPH DURXQG ZHÂśYH JRW SDJHV IRU UHDO 6R IDU LQ RXU VWDII KDV JURZQ WR DVWURQRPLF SRUSRUWLRQV VR WKHUHÂśV ORWV RI IXQQ\ MXQN LQ KHUH IRU \RX WR HQMR\ :HÂśUH LQ D ZKROH QHZ GHFDGH DQG ZLWK WKH KHOS RI WKHVH QHZ %XPS ,WV ZH MXVW ERXJKW LWÂśV JRQQD EH D JRRG RQH Kisses! Erin Schmalfeld WLQJ D ORW RI SHRSOH VXSSRUWLQJ RXU SRLQW RI YLHZ In regards to the checklist, I have but one question: when did you discover Ratatat? Skyrockets in Flight, Erin

Write to WKH )LVK 5DS /LYH 7KH EHVW KDWH IDQ PDLO ZH JHW for each issue gets a FREE LUNCH! Who could argue with a cost-free sandwich?

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Hey Fish Rap, I would like to thank you for your amazing FRYHUDJH RI WKH UHWDUGHG RFFXSDWLRQ $OVR WKH check list on college years was a couple weeks DJR EXW LWV DPD]LQJ <RXU QDLOLQJ LW 0RVW people I talk to are pissed about the idiots occupying buildings, keep on keepin on! -Peachy in Porter Dear Peach, I’m glad you like what we do! We thought that we were gonna get buckets of hate mail for that last issue, but the apathetic banana slugs came outta the woodwork and we ended up get-

Hi there, Fish Rap! I actually wanted to hear the live recordLQJV :KDW ZDV SULQWHG LV SUHWW\ XSVHWWLQJ , can’t believe you guys were so ill-treated! Spat on?! Really now? People were there to occupy and get make their cause be more well known and they couldn’t even produce the slightest coherent, concrete, relevant statements about why the hell they were there! Protesting is good, but this is just down right VKDPHIXO DQG GLVDSSRLQWLQJ $OO WKH\ VHHPHG WR GR ZDV SXW VWXGHQWV LQ EDG OLJKW Oh yea, the bobcat I believe belongs to the 8&6& 0XVHXP RI 1DWXUDO +LVWRU\ <XS ZH KDYH D PXVHXP $QG IRU QDWXUDO KLVWRU\ ,WœV RQ WKH VHFRQG ÀRRU RI 1DW 6FL ,, 7KHUHœV DOO kinds of cool dead stuff!! Chris Lay, the curator, and his interns do lots of super cool stuff IRU WKH PXVHXP Anyways, I guess I can see why occupants ZRXOGQœW WDNH \RX JX\V VHULRXVO\ , GR ORYH reading your paper, but you are quite satirical DQG QRQVHQVLFDO EXW VWLOO PHGLD LV PHGLD DQG ZKHQ \RXœUH ¿JKWLQJ IRU VRPHWKLQJ DQG ZDQW other people to stand by you, you should take advantage of whatever you can get right?! -Your new BFF Hey Baby, Aww! What a sweet letter! And I personDOO\ DJUHH ZLWK \RX RQ WKH VKDPIHXOQHVV IURQW I mean, Fish Rappers traditionally have little VKDPH VR LWœV D ELJ GHDO WKDW , VD\ WKDW $QG how did you know about how much we love dead things?! Nothing quite like a little natural history to get you in the mood, you know? By the way, if you want to listen to the recordings of our Kerr Hall occupation coverage(and this goes out to all you readers!) then log onto our brand new Last FM account to give them a listen! KWWS ODVW IP PXVLF ¿VK UDS OLYH

I gotta concede a little to the occupation though, I mean I’d probably hate the Fish Rap LI LW ZDVQœW VXFK D KXJH SDUW RI P\ OLIH $FWXally, I guess I hate the Fish Rap even though I VSHQG VR PXFK WLPH GRLQJ LW 3UREDEO\ EHFDXVH most of us hate ourselves more than anyone else ever could! ONE LOVE, Erin Hey Erin, , VDZ \RXU SLFWXUH LQ WKH ODWHVW LVVXH RI ¿VKUDSW DQG L PXVW VD\ GDPQ EDE\ <RX ORRNLQ JRRG , GRQW JLYH D VKLW DERXW \RXU SHUVRQDOLW\ RU LQWHUHVWV DW DOO :KLFK LV D JRRG WKLQJ $OO i care about is your smoking hot body wrapped DURXQG P\ WKUREELQJ PHPEHU , HQMR\ GULQNLQJ malt liquor and other types of ill shit and feel OLNH \RX GR DOVR 7KDWV ZK\ , WKLQN ZH ZRXOG EH SHUIHFW WRJHWKHU &DXVH ZH ERWK OLNH PDOW OLTXRU DQG RWKHU W\SHV RI LOO VKLW , KRSH \RX ZLOO UHFLSrocate my feelings (and not report me for sexual harassment) because I pleasure myself to your SLFWXUH KRXUO\ $OO 0\ /RYH )RU <RX 3 6 'DPQ EDEHK , ORYH \RX Dear Soulmate, For a while now, I’ve been questioning ZKHWKHU RU QRW ORYH LV UHDO 1RZ , NQRZ WKH DQVZHU , KDYH IHZ FDUHV RU SDVVLRQV DQG you’ve hit the nail on the head with my top WZR 0$/7 /,4825 $1' ,// 6+,7 ,OO VKLW LV ZK\ , ZDNH XS LQ WKH PRUQLQJ 0DOW Liquor propels me through the day, and I’m pretty sure that we can keep each other warm DOO QLJKW 0HHW PH DW the top of the Empire State building on Valentines Day holding a copy of 3ULGH DQG 3UHMXGLFH And please be as drunk as I’m sure you were when you wrote this beautiful OHWWHU Sincerely, Erin

TUCK FAPS

70,000 Dead in Haiti After Sandshrew Uses Earthquake

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by Grant Golland HAITI - The catastrophic death toll in Haiti has capped DV YROXQWHHUV FRQWLQXH WR ¿QG ERGLHV WUDSSHG XQGHU UXEEOH RIWHQ FUXVKHG DQG GLV¿JXUHG EH\RQG UHFRJQLWLRQ PRUH WKDQ D ZHHN DIWHU D OHYHO 6DQGVKUHZ FDXVHG D HDUWKTXDNH WR VWULNH WKH VPDOO LVODQG QDWLRQ ³7KLV LV MXVW RQH PRUH H[DPSOH RI 3RNHPRQ WUDLQHUV LUUHVSRQVLEO\ EDWWOLQJ LQ SXEOLF ´ VDLG $OH[ &URZO\ +DLWLDQ 0LQLVWHU IRU 3RFNHW 0RQVWHU $IIDLUV ³*LYHQ WKH GHQVH QDWXUH RI WKH LVODQG¶V LQIUDVWUXFWXUH LWV UHDOO\ LPSUDFWLFDO IRU SHRSOH WR WKLQN WKH\¶OO EH DEOH WR EDWWOH WKHLU KLJK OHYHO 3RNHPRQ DQ\ZKHUH H[FHSW RQH RI +DLWL¶V VDQFWLRQHG J\PV ´ 7KH 6DQGVKUHZ LWVHOI LV EHLQJ KHOG E\ WKH +DLWLDQ 'HSDUWPHQW RI -XVWLFH QH[W WR WKH *\DUDGRV WKDW ZDV UHVSRQVLEOH IRU +XUULFDQH .DWULQD 6DQGVKUHZ¶V RZQHU ZKLOH RQO\ DZDLWV WULDO DV DQ DGXOW ,W LV EHOLHYHG DW WKLV WLPH WKDW WKH 3RNHPRQ OHDUQHG KRZ WR FUHDWH HDUWKTXDNHV ZLWK WKH DLG RI 70 D WHFKQLFDO PDFKLQH WKDW WKH WUDLQHU FODLPV ³KH IRXQG RQ WKH JURXQG ´ ³.LGV WKLV \RXQJ WKH\ FDQ¶W KDQGOH WKH UHVSRQVLELOLW\ WKDW FRPHV ZLWK UDLVLQJ D 3RNHPRQ ´ &URZOH\ VDLG ³:LWKRXW D 3HZWHU &LW\ EDGJH DW OHDVW HYHQ ,¶G KDYH D KDUG WLPH FRQWUROOLQJ D EHDVW WKLV SRZHUIXO ´ 7KH HDUWKTXDNH ZDV WUXO\ GHYDVWDWLQJ DQG DLG KDV EHHQ VORZ LQ FRPLQJ KRZHYHU WKH 8QLWHG 6WDWHV DV ZHOO DV VHYHUDO (XURSHDQ QDWLRQV KDYH HDFK SOHGJHG WKH VXSSRUW RI D FRPELQHG WRWDO RI 1XUVH -R\V IRU KXPDQLWDULDQ DLG ZLWK WKH SRVVLELOLW\ RI D GLVSDWFK RI 2I¿FHU -HQQ\V UHDG\ WR HPEDUN VKRXOG SHDFHNHHSLQJ DFWLRQ EH UHTXLUHG %RQQLH 0F(OYHHQ +XQWHU FKDLUPDQ RI WKH 5HG &URVV H[SUHVVHG UHVHUYHG UHOLHI WRZDUGV ZKDW VKH GHVFULEHG DV FORVH FDOO ³:H FDQ RQO\ EH JUDWHIXO WKDW WKH 6DQGVKUHZ LQ TXHVWLRQ ZDV KROGLQJ DQ HYHUVWRQH *RG IRUELG WKLV KDG EHHQ D 6DQGVODVK ´

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The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

4

If the shoe fits, wear it. If it doesn’t, show feet.

“The Best Fucking Sandwich�: The Life and Love of the McRib

by Paul Vladimir Schulmann

1981 marked the entrance of Greece into the European Community (now the E.U.), the commencement of the “Reagan Years,â€? and the Brixton riots. In the popular imagination however, 1981 is notorious for one event and one event only, the creation of the iconic McRib sandwich. The McRib has gained notoriety as the world’s most delicious sandwich, and is quite likely the most delicious food item, ever. Unfortunately, fame has its price. It is a matter of public knowledge that the McRib has suffered from long, manic cycles of depression, drug abuse, DQG KHUSHV $V D UHVXOW RI WKHVH DIĂ€LFWLRQV WKH McRib often goes through lengthy periods of isolation and seclusion, emerging periodically to reappear on McDonald’s value menu. Here, four experts discuss the McRib. Philip Zimbardo (Professor Emeritus of Psychology, Stanford University): As everybody knows, the McRib suffers from both drug addiction and depression. This however, does not explain his prolonged reclusive states. I believe that the McRib suffers

from an undiagnosed case of agoraphobia. In addition to this, I believe that the McRib may also suffer from histrionic personality disorder. In spite of the McRib’s discomfort with sociHW\ KH GRHV DW RWKHU WLPHV DFW RYHUO\ Ă€LUWDWLRXV dramatic, manipulative, and self-indulgent. I believe that is the combination of these two FRQĂ€LFWLQJ GLVRUGHUV WKDW PDNH KLV SHUVRQDOLW\ VR ÂżFNOH )XUWKHUPRUH WKH YRODWLOH FRPELQDWLRQ of these two elements could easily lead to the common misdiagnosis of manic depression that often gets attributed to the McRib. Rajiv “Dreamerâ€? Saunders, (Bum in front of Santa Cruz Roasting Company, Santa Cruz, CA): It’s soooo obvious man. Really!!! Dude, listen to me man, cause’ I know what I’m talking about. The McRib works for the government! You see, the government hates leftist politics, and tries to create scare tactics through McDonald’s campaigns to mess with peoples’ minds. Think about what you do when the McRib is back. You buy it. More consumption equals more government revenue in the form of taxes.

That means, more money for the government to VSHQG RQ WKLV VKDP ZDU RQ GUXJV )XFNLQœ $ Jean-Yves Lacat. (Professor of French and Francophone Studies, Yale University): One can never question le McRib or its motives. The world is a terrifying, hostile place. Le McRib is a bastion of warmth and deliciousness. When I eat le McRib, , WKLQN EDFN WR P\ FKLOGKRRG LQ )UDQFH the fragrance of my grandmother’s perIXPH P\ ¿UVW VH[XDO HQFRXQWHU DQG the sounds of the rain against the roof. To eat a McRib, is to transform one’s self, to engage the mind in an artistic interplay between the body and the soul. To smell the McRib, is to smell the fresh paint of the Sistine Chapel being delicately applied by none other than Botticelli. Le McRib is both fantasy and reality, both light and darkness, both purity and sin. There is no explanation, there is only experience. To experience the McRib is to live; to be deprived of it, death. I have made love to literally thousands of sandwiches, but I could never forget le McRib. I must go now.

A Brief Timeline of the McRib: June 27, 1995 - McRib caught with Hugh Grant soliciting prostitutes on Hollywood boulevard.

1981 - McRib test marketed in the Midwest before being added to McDonald's permanent menu.

Dec 1984 - McRib checks itself into rehab IRU ÂżUVW WLPH 1994 - McRib brought back as a tie in with the theatrical release of "The )OLQVWRQHV

1999 - McRib website is founded.

1995 - McRib releases best-selling memoir "Not Without My Pickle".

Sept. 2001 - McRib and Shania Twain team up to UHOHDVH ÂżUVW DOEXP 7KH McRib n' Me" .

Dec. 2004 – McRib goes into hiding, disappears for three years.

Jan 2010 - Grant Golland creates algorithm to anticipate the McRib's return, wins Nobel Prize.

2004 - Gavin Newsom temporarily legalizes gay marriage, McRib and Hugh Grant get hitched.

November 2001 - Album goes multi-platinum; McRib shows up sauced to the Grammy awards.

2000 - McDonald's UHOHDVHV RIÂżFLDO 0F5LE teeny beanie baby.

Ralph Padula (Editor, Bon AppĂŠtit Magazine): I think I ate one on a dare. Seriously, the worst experience of my life. I spent about a week shitting, maybe even two weeks. Back in college we used to make pledges down the whole goddamn thing. Hazing back then was pretty fucked up but whatever, we were young.

2003 - VH1 releases "Behind the Music: The McRib Story" exposing the McRib's recurring coca-cola addiction.

2007 - McDonald's brings McRib back, yet again, for its third farewell tour.

2009 - McRib gets a facebook (friend me).

2008 - Reintroduced for a fourth time.

Santa Cruz Implements Yuppie-Only Ordinance by Brian Harker

Amid the economic recession and a downWRZQ ÂżOOHG ZLWK YLROHQFH DQG XQVDYRU\ SHRSOH begging for coins, the city council feels it has to do all it can to make downtown appealing again. And so, the Santa Cruz City Council has unanimously decided to implement a yuppie only ordinance for downtown Santa Cruz. This new ordinance follows the recent smoking ban, which despite infringing on freedoms, received VXUSULVLQJO\ OLWWOH Ă€DFN IURP 6DQWD &UX]LDQV Âł,WÂśV VR QLFH WR EH DEOH WR ZDON GRZQ 3DFLÂżF and, like, just breathe,â€? said one citizen, “and so much fewer poor people!â€? The ordinance will take effect in the spring of this year, just in time to clean up the streets IRU WKH Ă€RRG RI LQFRPLQJ WRXULVWV

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

“The yuppies are starting to be afraid to come downtown, and as they are the ones who generate the tax revenue which pays our exorbitant salaries, we want them to feel as comfortable as possible,â€? said one council member. Âł7KH VPRNLQJ EDQ ZDV RXU ÂżUVW DWWHPSW DW WKLV ´ he continued. The smoking ban was enacted as a discreet way to give police increased powers in hassling the homeless and other undesirables. However, when people realized that the ban was being selectively enforced, they didn’t seem to mind. Santa Cruzians saw through the city’s cry against air pollution, a claim hazier than the harmful second hand smoke they said they wanted to combat, and didn’t think much of it.

One city council member, who asked not to be named, adjusted his glasses and stated “it’s amazing how little people care about preserving their rights and freedoms. We were expecting a negative reaction to the smoking ban, but people just ate it up�. Surprisingly, the yuppies who sport “Keep Santa Cruz Weird� bumper stickers on their Mercedes love the new homogeneity that the ordinance provides. One such person, Blanche Yuptyte, says the city should go further in their efforts to clean up Santa Cruz. “With all the gangs and violence these days I don’t even go downtown anymore. What we need is the search and seizure of anyone who looks remotely suspicious.� When

asked about the rights of the individuals she snapped, “if one is an upstanding citizen then they have nothing to worry aboutâ€?. Some questions arise when considering the new ordinance, like who exactly will be allowed downtown? When asked how one PLJKW GHÂżQH Âľ\XSSLH Âś RQH FRXQFLO PHPEHU VDLG “middle aged, middle class, eco-conscious individuals who likely commute over the hill for work‌ you know, the kind of people who shop at Bookshop Santa Cruz.â€? While the council member acknowledged that “dirty hippies, homeless, and other undesirables might not like the new ordinance, they GRQÂśW YRWH DQ\ZD\VÂŤ VR IXFN ÂľHP ´

“You can’t play ‘GINNY’ in Scrabble. The game isn’t called Rum Ginny.� - Traditional FRL! Production Scrabble Game

UC Regents Break Up Amid Accusations that Yudof is ‘Sloppy Drunk’ by Andrew Montes Making waves in the music and education worlds, the UC Regents announced today that they were taking a break from the band to pursue solo careers. The band, famous for their devoted fans, skin-tight costumes, and extremely GLVFRUGDQW VRORV KDG FRPH WR GHÂżQH WKH JHQUH of college rock. However, while stressing their continuing support for their colleague, the group placed the blame for the break-up on bandleader Mark “Presidentâ€? Yudof’s ever-increasing addictions. While his crazy antics and wild dance choreography made him the natural star of the group, Yudof’s taste for exotic drugs and sexual exploration would eventually cause him to lose everything. The group experimented with varied sounds and styles throughout their career. Early works focused on their roots in the state education system, such as their debut album Integrating the University into a Broader Social Framework, which featured a soft bluegrass undertone with an emphasis on mandolin. However, the band’s

5

popularity took off as their sound became bolder, and the UC Regents hit the big time with the 0RWRZQ VRXO Ă€DYRUHG Let’s Make Freaky-Ass Love. More fame was to follow with the release of the hip-hop-inspired slumper UC Compton (Who Da Bo$$). Less popular was the Regents’ attempt at deathcore metal, the provocatively titled Blood Cunt (banned in the former Soviet Union). But the lowest point in the band’s musical career was to come with the release of their Alpine Polka concept album, 32% Tuition Increase. The downturn continued as Yudof (lute/ keytar) turned to binge drinking, cocaine, and increasingly disturbing erotic adventures. While Yudof had always been known for his exuberant hedonism and love for imported absinthe, things quickly got out of hand. Band mates recalled an incident in which, after missing rehearsal, they found Yudof in his trailer, buck naked, doing lines of crumbled goat cheese off the inner thigh of a 16-year-old boy-girl. “He was mumbling about reducing class sizes and improving stu-

dent-teacher communication,â€? reports Regent Russell “Sheepfuckerâ€? Gould (djembe). “In general, he was just a sloppy, disgusting drunk,â€? FRQÂżGHV 2GHVVD Âł6FDULHU 6SLFH´ -RKQVRQ PDracas). Yudof, once described by Rolling Stone magazine as a “dirty, lecherous, fundamentally XSVHWWLQJ ROG PDQ´ ZDV ÂżQGLQJ WKDW VXEVWDQFH abuse and underage hermaphrodites were a slippery slope. The breaking point came with the sudden and tragic death of Yudof’s close FRQÂżGDQW DQG ORYHU NQRZQ RQO\ DV Âľ'RXEOH 'Âś 5XPRUV RI VXLFLGH VZLUOHG EXW WKH JURXS maintained she had accidentally choked on a Tacos Morenos burrito. While the true cause of death may never be known, heartbreak forced the already unstable Yudof into a downward VSLUDO RI ÂżOWK DQG GHJUDGDWLRQ +LV LQDELOLW\ WR speak coherently or stand upright forced the band to re-record his tracks for the dance album Pubic University. “There’s absolutely nothing by Yudof on that disc. We credited him in the liner notes but all his parts were done by Rob 7KRPDV ´ DGPLWV 6WXGHQW 5HJHQW -HVVH ÂłWKH

%HDU -HZ´ %HUQDO VNLQ Ă€XWH Fans were despondent over the break-up. “There will never be another band like the UC 5HJHQWV 'H /D 3HxD VLJQHG P\ FKHVW DIWHU D show once, and I had it tattooedâ€?, sobbed one fan standing vigil outside the group’s erstwhile recording studio at UCLA. “I lost my virginity listening to the UC Regents,â€? remarked another. A hipster nearby chimed in, “I liked their early work better.â€? Riots broke out at UC Berkeley, with students rampaging across campus demanding the return of the UC Regents. Several music majors were put on suicide watch, and roadie George Blumenthal was arrested after holding the KZSC staff hostage and demanding that the UC Regents be played 24 hours a day. Acknowledging the destruction, the UC 5HJHQWVÂś VSRNHVSHUVRQ 'DYLG .OLJHU UHOHDVHG D VWDWHPHQW VWDWLQJ Âł:H DUH ÂżUPO\ FRPPLWWHG to the continuing musical education of all our students, and encourage all members of our educational system to fully explore the creative process in a healthy and constructive fashion.â€?

into Fudd’s battered hunting jeep to make a special trip to the ammo section of the Big Five Sporting Goods Store. At the height of the occupation horrible electronica music could be heard emanating from within the barricaded building. Banners hung from the rooftops, reading “Cut Anti'HHU 3UHMXGLFH 1RW /DZQV ´ DQG Âł+RUQV DUH Beautiful!â€? a group of supporters standing outside of the building’s entrance chanted “Whose XQLYHUVLW\" 'HHU XQLYHUVLW\ ´ IRU KRXUV EHIRUH they were asked to elaborate on their point, and then promptly fell silent. After hearing the Vice Chancellor’s threats, the deer bravely locked horns in the entry way of the building and, to lift spirits, sang deer %HDWOHV IDYRULWHV LQFOXGLQJ Âł'HDU 3UXGHQFH´ DQG Âł0DUWKD P\ 'HDU ´ ,W LV XQFOHDU ZKHWKHU they knew that the aforementioned songs are not in fact about deer. Upon hearing Fudd’s distant laughter, however, the deer stared tensely into space and then sprinted into the nearby forest, effectively bringing their political action to an end. When the Vice Chancellor’s hunting party DUULYHG RQ WKH VFHQH WR ÂżQG WKHLU GHVWLQDWLRQ completely devoid of game, the visibly distressed Kliger bellowed “God dammit, what the fuck am I supposed to do with all this ammo?â€? Sam, meanwhile, threw his oversized hat to the ground and stomped repeatedly on its top. When the outburst was met with disapproving stares from faculty deer supporters, the Vicechancellor grumbled, “Fuck it. I’m out. Tender this resignation, assholes.â€? He then removed his pants and subjected bystanders to his exposed posterior before ordering Fudd into the passenger seat, saying, “Move over Elmer, I’m driving.â€? While no arrests were made, campus

RIÂżFLDOV VD\ WKDW DQ\ GHHU LQYROYHG LQ WKH SURtest may be subject to judicial sanctions and

that Kliger had always acted like a dick in staff meetings.

Deer Occupation of Engineering 2 Ends Peacefully by Dylan Donovan

About 150 cervid individuals exited the occupied Engineering 2 building peacefully on the 29th, bringing to an end the four-day occupation that brought Science Hill to a standstill. Authorities say the dropping cleanup may take weeks, and that “billions of dollars worth of sciencey-looking equipment and other miscellaneous shit has been damaged,â€? possibly beyond repair. The deer were demanding, among other things, better safeguards against automobile VWULNHV D JUHDWHU UROH LQ 8&6&ÂśV RIÂżFLDO OHJLVODWLYH SURFHVV KHDOWK EHQHÂżWV DQG ÂłIUHH HTXDO and unfettered access to all campus salad bars.â€? Although negotiations took place, they quickly broke under building tension. A high-ranking UCSC administrator, who spoke anonymously, stated that “While the deer are indeed majestic and adorable creatures, their demands are simply out of The University’s reach. Any further DGYDQFHPHQWV LQ 'HHU 5LJKWV ZRXOG SXW WKHP on equal footing with our undergraduates and the extra salad bar costs could bankrupt our alUHDG\ ÂżVFDOO\ RYHUORDGHG V\VWHP , KRSH WKH\ÂśOO understand. They’re just so damned cute.â€? 9LFH &KDQFHOORU 'DYLG .OLJHU UHFHLYHG criticism for what some called a “gross overreactionâ€? to the situation: when briefed on the occupation, steam projected from the Vice Chancellor’s ears while an oversized pulsing vein traversed his forehead. “We will not negotiate with inter-species terrorists!â€? Kliger shouted, expectorating spittle in the process, “I am hereby declaring open season on these freeloading plantbiters!â€? He then summoned childhood friends Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam, shotgunned a Budweiser, crushed the can on his forehead, and climbed

FRL! Flashback: Bastille Occupation Dance Party Goes Well by Chantal Dillinger After the successful Tennis Court occupation and oath last month, which sent a clear message of revolutionary fervor to King Louis XVI, protestors announced their next action: “to dance the shit out of the Bastille.â€? “This year has fucking sucked. A loaf of bread costs the daily pay of a peasant. So I’m fucking hungry! Let’s fucking dance!â€? ExSODLQHG HYHQW SURPRWHU &DPLOOH 'HVPRXOLQV Âł6KLW LV JRQQD JHW FDUD]]]]\ ´ DGGHG -DFRELQ OHDGHU *HRUJHV 'DQWRQ ZKR KHOSHG PHGLDWH WKH

FRQWHQWLRXV GHEDWH RQ ZKHWKHU WR SOD\ 'XEVWHS House, Acid house, or Top 40. Âł2ULJLQDOO\ ZH ZHUH OLNH ÂľFUDQN WKDW 'XEstep, son, that’s some good shit,’ but then the ERXUJHRLVLH ZDV OLNH ÂľLI ZH FDQÂśW OLVWHQ WR 7RS ZH ZDQW QR SDUW LQ \RXU UHYROXWLRQ Âś $W ÂżUVW I was like, fuck that, but then we came to a consensus through representative democracy that ZH ZRXOG URWDWH EHWZHHQ 'XEVWHS 7RS DQG good shit from the 1780s.â€? Âł2FFXS\ HYHU\WKLQJ ´ KH DGGHG The crowd was a mix of bums and peasants who were there for the drugs, and protes-

tors who thought that the bums and the peasants who were there for the drugs were in fact there to demonstrate support for the revolution. Âł<HDK ZHÂśUH GHÂżQLWHO\ KHUH IRU WKH GUXJV ´ commented Peasant Union Leader Robert St. Croix. -HDQ 3DXO 0DUDW WKRXJK FRQÂżQHG WR KLV bathtub, was in noticeably high spirits. “Marat was pretty fucked up,â€? noted one female partygoer [name withheld]. “He was hitting on every girl who was within yelling distance of his bathtub, even the toothless chicks I mean, I almost went there, but then I looked at him and was

OLNH ÂľQDKKK ϫ 7KH ZLWQHVV ZRXOGQÂśW DQVZHU whether it was the idea of publicly having sex in an empty bathtub or Marat’s debilitating skin disease that prevented her from putting out‌ and what is that shit on his face anyway, Scabies? At the end of the evening, amongst radicals mopping up puke and airing out the “peasant stink,â€? Marat was spotted scooting home in his bathtub. It has yet to be determined whether or not he got laid.

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

6

What Would Snakebro Do?

Area Man Accidentally Donates to Crazy Frog by Matt Lutsky

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Republican Senators Debut Musical Filibuster by Alex Lord

Senate Minority Leader, Mitch McConnell, announced yesterday that Republican senators DUH SUHSDULQJ ÀRZV WR VSLW LQ WKH HYHQW RI D ¿OLEXVWHU WR IXUWKHU GHEDWH WKH KHDOWK FDUH ELOO 7KLV ZRXOG EH WKH ¿UVW WLPH DQ\ SDUW\ KDV SDUWLFLSDWHG LQ D PXVLFDO ¿OLEXVWHU LQ WKH KLVWRU\ RI WKH 8 6 6HQDWH ³7KLV QHZ JHQHUDWLRQ RI YRWHUV LV DFFXVWRPHG WR WHOHYLVLRQ ZLWK TXLFN FXWV DQG FUD]\ FDPHUD DQJOHV ORXG 'XEVWHS DQG +LS +RS PXVLF DQG VHOI FRQWDLQHG IRRG OLNH +RW 3RFNHWV ´ VWDWHG WKH 6HQDWRU LQ D SUHVV FRQIHUHQFH ³,I ZH ZDQW WR NHHS WKHP LQWHUHVWHG LQ ZKDW¶V JRLQJ RQ LQ WKH QDWLRQ ZH KDYH WR PL[ WKLQJV XS D ELW ´ 6HQDWRU 0F&RQQHOO DGGHG WKDW ULJKW ZLQJ PXVLFDO DUWLVW DQG SURGXFHU .DQ\H :HVW LV JRLQJ WR DLG WKH VHQDWRUV ZLWK WKHLU O\ULFV DQG GHOLYHU\ DV ZHOO DV PDNH WKH EHDW ³<R WKLV ¿OLEXVWHUV JRQQD EH LOOPDWLF RII WKH FKDLQ VRQ ´ :HVW VDLG LQ D SKRQH LQWHUYLHZ ³ VHQDWRUV RQ RQH WUDFN GDZJ 6KLW¶V KRW %HOLHYH WKDW 7KH\ ERXJKW WR EXVW D VWUDLJKW ¿OL« DQG \¶DOO JRWWD IHHO PH FDXVH WKDW ERR ERR 'HPRFUDW ELOO ORRNLQJ NLQGD VLOO\ ´ $FFRUGLQJ WR 6HQDWRU 0F&RQQHOO DOO 5HSXEOLFDQ VHQDWRUV ZLOO KDYH D YHUVH GLVFXVVLQJ SUREOHPV ZLWK WKH ELOO DQG SURSRVLQJ KRZ WKH\ PD\ EH DPHQGHG ,I WKH ¿OLEXVWHU FRQWLQXHV WKHUH ZLOO EH D IUHHVW\OH FLSKHU ,I WKH ¿OLEXVWHU IXUWKHU FRQWLQXHV DIWHU WKH FLSKHU WKHUH ZLOO EH RQH RQ RQH battles between Republican and Democrat senators Yo Momma VW\OH ³7KH SXUSRVH RI WKLV XQFRQYHQWLRQDO ¿OLEXVWHU LV QRW RQO\ WR DWWUDFW WKH DWWHQWLRQ RI \RXQJ YRWHUV DQG HGXFDWH WKHP RQ WKH LVVXH ´ 6HQDWRU 0F&RQQHOO H[SODLQHG ³EXW DOVR WR VTXDVK WKH FRPSHWLWLRQ (YHQ WKRXJK ZH¶UH RXWQXPEHUHG ZH¶UH FRQ¿GHQW LQ RXU ÀRZ DQG IUHHVW\OH ÀRZ DELOLWLHV (YHU\RQH NQRZV WKDW 5HSXEOLFDQ VHQDWRUV JRWV GHYDVWDWLQJ PRXWK SLHFHV ´ 7KHUH KDYH EHHQ QR VWDWHPHQWV IURP 'HPRFUDWV UHJDUGLQJ WKH SODQQHG ¿OLEXVWHU

Crouching Man Dangerously Close to Exposing Butt Crack by Phillip Elliott

Santa Cruz residents standing outside the Mission Street Taco Bell were made noticeably unFRPIRUWDEOH ZKHQ 7UHYRU 7XEEV D ORFDO GHQWLVW DQG SUROL¿F HDWHU EHQW GRZQ WR SLFN XS D GLVFDUGHG SDFNHW RI %RUGHU 6DXFH :LWQHVVHV ORRNHG RQ LQ WUHPXORXV DQWLFLSDWLRQ DV 7XEEV¶ WDQ NKDNL VKRUWV VOLG IURP WKHLU QRUPDO UHVWLQJ SODFH DURXQG WKH VPDOO RI KLV EDFN WR D GDQJHURXV DOWLWXGH RYHU WKH FUHVW RI KLV EXWWRFNV ³)UDQNO\ , ZDV D OLWWOH VFDUHG´ VWDWHG ZLWQHVV .DUL 0DORQH ³, WKRXJKW IRU VXUH ZKHQ WLQ\ IROGV RI EDFN IDW VWDUWHG DSSHDULQJ RYHU RI WKH VLGHV RI WKRVH SDQWV WKDW LW ZDV DOO RYHU , UHPHPEHU WKLQNLQJ MXVW ORRN DZD\ MXVW ORRN DZD\ .DUL EXW , MXVW FRXOGQ¶W ´ There have been no reported injuries as a result of the near incident on Friday, but several onORRNHUV ZHUH QRWHG WR EH RQ WKH EULQN RI PHQWDO WUDXPD $QGUHL -RKDQV D 8& 6DQWD &UX] VWXGHQW DQG QRWHG REVHUYHU RI WKLQJV ZDV RQH VXFK RQORRNHU ³, ZDV MXVW OLNH 1R QR QR PDQ QXK XK 7KLV LV QRW JRLQJ WR KDSSHQ EUR ¶ $QG WKHQ LW GLGQ¶W VR , ZDV OLNH µVLFN ´ -RKDQV ZDV XQDYDLODEOH IRU IXUWKHU FRPPHQW This was just one of a growing number of near incidents occurring around the country outside RI IDVW IRRG UHVWDXUDQWV VKRH VWRUHV DQG SHQQ\ FROOHFWLQJ PXVHXPV ([SHUWV EODPH WKH VXGGHQ ULVH LQ QHDU SXEOLF LQGHFHQF\ RQ D QHZ IDVKLRQ WUHQG RI ³ORRVH EXW VWLOO NLQG RI VQXJ´ MHDQV DQG VKRUWV 7KLV IDQQ\ UHODWHG GLOHPPD KDV WKH QDWLRQ GLYLGHG VSOLW GRZQ WKH PLGGOH LI \RX ZLOO <RX FRXOG HYHQ VD\ WKHUH LV D YLVLEOH FUDFN LQ VRFLHW\ DV D UHVXOW RI WKLV FRQWURYHUV\ $V WR SODQV EHLQJ FRQVLGHUHG WR TXHOO WKLV ULVLQJ WLGH RI VOLSSLQJ SDQWV :KLWH +RXVH SUHVV VHFUHtary Robert Gibbs stated that the president has made a commitment to addressing the problem “after KH KDV WKH ZKROH HFRQRP\ WKLQJ XQGHU FRQWURO ´

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

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Official Fish Rap disease: Scurvy. Lemons are for punks.

“Get Off My Fucking Back,� Obama Demands

Whatever happened to discreet conversation? We’ve got our ears on you. And you’ve got your mind in loud, perverted, irreverent, insightful, idiotic, and generÂżOOHG´ UDQW LQ ZKLFK KH FDOOHG XSRQ KLV ally inappropriate gutters. Welcome to critics  to  â€œget  off  my  fucking  backâ€?  and  â€œOverheard in Santa Cruz.â€?

by James Shea

WASHINGTON,  DC  â€“  In  re-­ sponse  to  mounting  pressure  to  achieve  goals  set  for  the  nation  and  increased  questions  regarding  his  capabilities,  President  Obama  asked  reporters  to  â€œlay  off  for  one  fuck-­ ing  secondâ€?  at  a  press  conference  last  Thursday.  Citing  high  levels  of  â€œnaggingâ€?  and  â€œfucking  bullshit  that  I  don't  need  right  now,â€?  Obama  lam-­ basted  reporters  and  the  nation  for  their  â€œconstant,  non-­stop  bitching.â€? “What  we  need  as  a  country  right  now  is  to  work  together  to  solve  the  problems  we  face,â€?  Obama  began,  before  launching  into  his  tirade,  â€œAnd  all  you  fuckers  do  is  complain  day  in  and  day  out.  It's  always  'Why  couldn't  you  pass  a  healthcare  bill  with  a  super-­majority'  this  or  'What  are  you  doing  in  Iraq'  that  with  you  people!â€?  At  this  point,  sources  say  Obama  launched  into  an  â€œobscenity-­

“give  me  like,  one  fucking  minute,  to  ¿JXUH WKLV VKLW RXW -HVXV &KULVW ´ “What  we  have  here,  basically,  is  $PHULFD V 'DGG\ -XVW +LW 0RPP\ moment,â€?  said  White  House  press  cor-­ respondent  Helen  Thomas,  â€œI'm  pretty  sure  I  saw  [ABC  News  reporter]  George  Stephanopoulos  crying  afterwords.â€? After  almost  a  solid  minute  of  pro-­ fanity,  Obama  concluded  his  speech  â€œIt's  only  been  a  goddamn  year  for  Christ's  sake,â€?  before  sheepishly  mut-­ tering  an  apology  and  citing  â€œfrustra-­ tionâ€?  as  a  reason  for  the  outburst. “I  don’t  care  what  excuse  he  gives,  KH \HOOHG DW XV ´ VDLG 061%& 3UHVV Correspondent  Chuck  Todd,  â€œNobody  yells  at  the  Chuckmeister.â€? Sources  from  inside  the  White  House  say  the  President  â€œhas  been  un-­ der  a  lot  of  stress  at  work.â€?

Obama Makes Tasteless Move, Bans Flavored Tobacco by Cody Reiss

Ralph  Tweedy,  a  stoney  17-­year-­old  stu-­ dent  at  Bigsbie  High,  steadies  his  already  VZHDW\ ÂżQJHUV XSRQ WKH VSOLII KH LV UROOLQJ RQ his  bathroom  counter.   The  bathroom  is  dank  and  poorly  lit,  but  it  is  his  favorite  sesh-­spot.   Usually,  his  eyes  would  be  blazed  with  exu-­ berance  at  the  sight  of  the  masterpiece  he  was  about  to  construct.   However,  on  account  of  D Ă€DYRUHG WREDFFR ODZ YHU\ UHFHQWO\ SDVVHG his  eyes  are  glazed  with  dismay  upon  his  un-­ DGRUQHG Ă€DYRUOHVVO\ ZUDSSHG GRRELH MRLQW “Am  I  even  gonna  get  high  off  this  shit?  What  kind  of  former  pot-­smoking  president  illegal-­ izes  one  of  the  only  things  that  makes  smoking  fun?  Is  this  the  kind  of  country  I  want  it  to  be?   Another  question?â€? Until  this  law  was  puffed,  puffed,  and  passed  through  congress,  I  had  been  an  avid  Obama  supporter.  Not  only  is  it  dope  to  have  D 'HPRFUDW EXW DOVR D EODFN PDQ LQ RIÂżFH Despite  Barack's  choice  garden  of  new  laws,  there  have  been  a  few  weeds  in  the  mix.   I’m  sure  most  of  you  readers  have  heard  about  KLV GHFLVLRQ WR EDQ Ă€DYRUHG WREDFFR SURGXFWV from  stores  all  around  our  sweet,  ganja-­toking  nation.   This  new  act  was  a  humongous  hit  to  smokers  everywhere.  The  soon-­to-­be-­instated  law  reads  as  follows:  â€œâ€Śa  cigarette  or  any  of  LWV FRPSRQHQW SDUWV LQFOXGLQJ WKH WREDFFR ÂżO-­

Overheard  in  Santa  Cruz

7

ter,  or  paper)  shall  not  contain,  as  a  constituent  (including  a  smoke  constituent)  or  additive,  an  DUWLÂżFLDO RU QDWXUDO Ă€DYRU RWKHU WKDQ WREDFFR or  menthol)  or  an  herb  or  spice,  including  strawberry,  grape,  orange,  clove,  cinnamon,  pineapple,  vanilla,  coconut,  licorice,  cocoa,  chocolate,  cherry,  or  coffee,  that  is  a  character-­ L]LQJ Ă€DYRU RI WKH WREDFFR SURGXFW RU WREDFFR smokeâ€?.  The  reasoning  behind  it,  apparently,  is  EHFDXVH LW LV KDV EHHQ ÂłSURYHQ´ WKDW Ă€DYRUHG tobacco  products  encourage  young  kids  to  EXUQ $W ÂżUVW WKLV LV D VHHPLQJO\ UHVSRQVLEOH reasonable  choice  on  behalf  of  Obama.   But,  it  is  absolutely  imperative  that  he  realizes  whom  this  will  affect.  To  tell  you  the  truth,  it’s  not  WKH OLWWOH NLGV EX\LQJ PDQJR Ă€DYRUHG UROOLQJ SDSHUVÂŤ ,7Âś6 0( %,7&+ $QG 2EDPD ,ÂśP pissed  off.  Our  leader  will  not  stop  there.   Taking  DZD\ RXU -DK JLYHQ ULJKW WR UROO JUDSH EOXQWV would  have  been  enough.   But  no,  the  com-­ mander-­in-­chief  will  not  stop  there.  In  yet  an-­ other  schwag  attempt  to  â€œprotectâ€?  the  children,  WKH SUHVLGHQW LV WXUQLQJ KLV Ă€DYRU KDWLQJ ZUDWK towards  other  products,  and  milking  it  for  all  its  worth.  Obama  has  taken  on  a  Goliath-­like  persona  while  fronting  his  new  bill,  but  it  is  inevitable  that  he  will  get  stoned.  A  bill  is  cur-­ rently  being  weighed-­out  in  congress  to  also Â

EDQ Ă€DYRUHG FDQG\ DQG FRQWUDFHSWLYHV DQG his  reasoning  is  just  as  spotty  as  before.  The  reason,  he  explained,  is  the  various,  delicious  Ă€DYRUV RI WKHVH SURGXFWV HQFRXUDJH \RXQJ NLGV to  both  eat  candy  and  have  sex  with  condoms  â€“  the  two  things  Barack  Obama  hates  most.  His  many  critics  think  he  really  boofed  it  on  this  RQH DQG RXU SUHVLGHQW QRZ ÂżQGV KLPVHOI LQ D very  hairy,  sticky  situation. It  is  true  that  our  president  has  a  lot  in  his  bowl:  from  the  economic  crash  to  the  whole  healthcare  issue,  and  I  am  surprised  Obama  isn’t  already  too  fried  so  early  in  his  term.   However,  it  is  unacceptable  that  he  blow  out  his  smoke  on  the  common  man,  and  we  will  not  stand  for  this  obscene,  intolerable  party  foul.   This  is  a  major  issue  in  American  cul-­ ture,  and  it  needs  to  be  at  the  top  of  our  leader’s  priorities. :KR ZDQWV WR VPRNH D EOXQW Ă€DYRUHG EOXQW anyways?  No  one,  just  like  no  one  would  want  WR HDW D OROOLSRS Ă€DYRUHG OROOLSRS 7KLV ODZ LV a  total  domer  to  the  skull  of  people  â€˜round  the  country;Íž  we  must  raise  our  voices,  America.   From  the  rooftops,  the  alley-­ways,  the  cutty-­ spots,   from  Zion,  Steve’s  Bench,  our  dorms,  our  houses  and  Pogonips,  we  must  raise  our  voices.

“How do you get a dog to fuck you?� Fish Rap Production 1/30/10 “The first African-American was that black guy in the NBA.� Homeboy on a bus 1/27/10 Guy: “I wanna go to Europe ‘cause I’ve never been out of the country. Except once I went to Tijuana� Girl: “In Mexico?� Guy: “Yeah, not to do anything fun though. To give Christmas presents to orphans.� Girl: “That’s kind of...� Guy: “Yeah, I know, how bullshit is that!?� Busgoers 12/30/09 Guy: “How was your birthday?� Girl: “Oh it was fun, Kyle tried to finger me. I was like ‘thanks, Kyle.’� Cowell Dining Hall 1/25/10 “Let’s order a pizza. I’m a hungry hungry hippo!� Fat girl at party 1/810 “No matter how many times I let Meatspin loop, my computer is still broken.� Cowell Quad 1/13/10 “I tried to be vegan this morning, so I was reading the PAM bottle to see if I could use it on my eggs.� Ouside College 8 Dining Hall 1/15/10 “I hate it when it rains because my clothes start to smell like rain and then I have to wash them.� Oakes Cafe 1/16/10 “Wait dude, so what’s your deal? You like, wipe your ass before you shit?� Downtown outside American Apparel 5/3/09 “Gatorade is really cool because you basically get to pick what color you’re going to puke.� At A Houseparty 1/20/09 Guy 1: “I’ve been sitting down for so long, I wanna get up and do some Yoga.� Guy 2: “Dude, is that downward facing dog?� Guy 1: “No, that was sunrise salutation, dumbass. THIS is downward facing dog.� Crown Circle 4/26/09 “Italians are so hot right now. They’re pretty much the Koreans of 2010.� Sci Li 1/19/10 “Never have I ever had anal sex before, wait... you’re supposed to say something you haven’t done? Okay then, never have I ever been double penetrated.� Chill Sesh 1/19/10 Hear something stupid? email fishraplive@gmail.com

The Fish Rap Live! February 1. 2010

How’s My Driving? Don’t care, I’m drunk.

8

This Week:

Downtown, South to North part one (too many bars, too little time)

The Fish Rap Live! Dive Team is a group of individuals dedicated to truthfully reviewing local establishments, commonly referred to as “Dive Bars.� Interested in becoming a member of this heralded UCSC tradition? Email fishraplive@gmail.com. We convened at Woodstocks and decided that it made sense to hit the town South to North. The only problem was we had no idea ZKLFK HQG ZDV 6RXWK 7KDQN *RG IRU WKH L3hone because we just pulled up the compass app and realized all compass arrows pointed straight to the Avenue, so the diving began. We walked over to the Avenue, only to be interrupted by a drunk guy on a stretcher being detained/helped by some paramedics in front of The Asti. He was screaming, “I have mental problems, I think I need stitches, don’t take me to the hospital�. He was obviously plastered and based on how early people were getting hospitalized we knew that this Dive would be FRL!’s best dive yet. We entered the Avenue after being ID’ed by one of the biggest human being we have ever seen. It was like he was the love child of Yao Ming and Andre the Giant. We ordered our drinks and headed to the back patio and quickly made friends with a gentleman rolling a joint in the corner. As we started swilling our drinks we realized that the bartender made them incredibly strong. The bartender must have known we were FRL! and wanted to get us real fucked up so we would write a good review for them and

they succeeded. One of our divers showed up with a gaggle of Japanese exchange students. A lot of us have never gotten drunk with such exotic folk before, so we were more excited to see them than they were to be there. Who knew ZH KDG DQ $VLDQ WKLQJ" :H ÂżQLVKHG RXU GULQNV and heard that the Blue Lagoon was going off because it was ‘80s night, so off to the Blue. Âľ V QLJKW ZDV SUHWW\ FRRO DW ÂżUVW EXW DIWHU RQH GULQN DQG RQH 3DW %HQDWDU VRQJ \RX UHDOize that everyone in the room is old and lame and we tried to organize a mass migration for another door. The scene was weird in the Blue, LW ZDV DFWXDOO\ GLVJXVWLQJ DQG 3DXO VDLG LW WKH best, “There are a bunch of really attractive people here, but there not like normal attractive you know? They’re more like chlamydia DWWUDFWLYH ´ 3DXO ZDV ULJKW DQG WKH FRL! dive team wasn’t in the mood for chlamydia so we decided to surround ourselves with class and upscale pretentiousness. We headed north, to the 515 and the place reeked of chicken nuggets and old money. Some people ordered some crazy expensive cocktails and when Jun asked about beer on tap the bartender replied, “We only have Belgian white ales and we serve them

out of snifters�. We looked around and saw an ROGHU JHQWOHPDQ VQLI¿QJ KLV EHHU DQG VLSSLQJ LW ZLWK JOHH 7KLV SODFH ZDV ERXUJLH DQG ZH GH¿nitely felt uncomfortable in such a high class establishment. It seemed like the kind of place D KLSVWHU ZRXOG EULQJ VRPHRQH RQ D VKLWW\ ¿UVW date. The team decided to move onward once more, this time to the downstairs Red. The Red offered a red atmosphere, which was a perfect melding of the class and trash. Well dressed yuppies rubbed elbows with chain smoking gutter hippies, demonstrating the true diversity The Red has to offer. Around this time we realized that one member of the dive team had mysteriRXVO\ GLVDSSHDUHG :KHQ ZH WH[WHG KLP WR ¿QG out what had happened, he offered two different responses, both of them bars over 20 minutes away. The FRL! team usually never leaves a man behind, but we knew that Diving waits for no one. We stayed at the Red until last call, and it was time for the team to disperse. Some went home, some continued drinking in less expensive settings and some got a ride home with Toni

- which turned out to be a questionable choice. An attack of serious road rage left her shaking with fury, and the passengers quivering with fear. She was screaming, “I’m going to kill that motherfucker!� after someone cut her off and attempted to chase him down Broadway. The passengers convinced her to take it easy and not assault the shitty driver and eventually everyone got home safe, which is something that can’t be said about the guy on the stretcher at the start of the night. In the end, it was another successfully debaucherous expedition by the FRL! dive team, the group that doesn’t give up until the drinking is done.

by Brosef McPartyhead

I don’t like to mix business with pleasure, because Fish Rap is business. If you think this is you email brosefmcpartyhead@gmail.com. Anyways, the party went on in normal party fashion and you were on my mind for a large majority of the time. The party started migrating towards the backyard and me and McSchwasted followed, hoping the party would get less boring. We got what we asked for, we went outside and encountered a group of chatty individuals that Brewsky knew and then out of nowhere, CRASH. We immediately turned around and saw a big ole ass sticking out of a broken window at the house next door. It was apparent that the house next door was raging harder then the formal party. Most people were surprised, I was laughing uncontrollably. Not more then two minutes later I hear, “Hey bro, you know how this happened?â€?, I replied, “Yeah man, some guy in your house busted that window with his fat assâ€?, and surely his was a butt that would not quit. That guy seemed kind of pissed and I would be too if my friends ass shattered a window. After I got over just seeing some dudes ass break a window I got bored/I was kind of drunk and tired so I left. Overall that party was alright and the guy breaking a window with his ass was hilarious. My mystery woman was what made the night though. The next week there was arguably the best party I’ve been to in Santa Cruz this school year. The notorious and always entertaining three mile house hosted a show/party that ruled. The night was really cold but the three mile house had plenty of things to keep partyJRHUV VDWLVÂżHG 7KHUH ZDV D EDU VHUYLQJ GULQNV

and the bartender Scotty Tecate was keeping patrons happy. To combat the cold weather the WKUHH PLOH KRXVH GHFLGHG WR VWDUW D ¿UH WKH IXHO of choice was Christmas trees and that is when WKH SDUW\ JRW UDJLQJ 7KH ¿UVW EDQG ,QIUDFWLRQ Jackson and the Salty Dogs played and they were forgettable, not because I was drunk but because they kind of sucked. They were a jam band and they played for about an hour and the party people were getting a little tired of hearing a million cover songs so some long haired guy went up and told them to stop playing and they stopped a couple songs later. Meanwhile, WKH ¿UH ZDV JRLQJ IXOO EODVW 3HRSOH ZHUH WKURZLQJ WZR RU WKUHH WUHHV RQ DW D WLPH DQG WKH ÀDPHV were getting huge, probably close 15-20 feet. 7KH ¿UH ZDV NHHSLQJ HYHU\RQH ZDUP HQWHUWDLQing the pyromaniacs and a drunken dare devil GHFLGHG WR MXPS WKH ¿UH OXFNLO\ KH ZDV VXFFHVVful. I wandered around the massive farm that borders Wilder Ranch and made my way to the bar area. On the way to the grab myself a beer I saw a guy attempt to take a seat on a stool. He was in for a surprise because the stool was not SURSHUO\ VHFXUHG DQG KH ÀLSSHG RYHU WKH VWRRO RQWR D WDEOH DQG WKH WDEOH ÀLSSHG RYHU RQWR KLP probably one of the funniest things I’ve seen in a while, I only wish I had a video camera. I got a beer and heard the second band, Denzel starting. They were pretty loud, not really my style of music but the people in the band could really play. The bassist and guitarist were really good and drummer was also good. While they played people started going crazy. There was a massive PRVK SLW DW ¿UVW DQG WKHQ SHRSOH VWDUWHG FDOPLQJ down after two or three songs. Amidst all of the

people one man stood out. The singer of the band called him out and made fun of what he was wearing, “sweat pants and sandals the ofÂżFLDO XQLIRUP RI URFN Q UROO´ , WKRXJKW , SDUWLHG hard, but this guy was running around in sweat pants, sandals, no shirt, drunk off his ass, and he was running around with an empty wine bottle in his hand, this guy was made for TV. He was very drunk, very entertaining, and was obviously having the best time out of everyone. I made P\ ZD\ WR WKH ÂżUH EHFDXVH WKH EDQG ZDV QRW UHally my style and saw some people that thought their asses were not warm enough. Some girl dropped trou and warmed her ass up on the ÂżUH , WXUQHG DURXQG EHFDXVH , ZDV GLVJXVWHG by this hideous attempt at getting laid and I turned around a few minutes later and there were about 12 more asses warming up around WKH ÂżUH $ IHZ PRUH &KULVWPDV WUHHV JRW OLW RQ ÂżUH DQG WKH SDUW\ UDJHG RQ , GLGQÂśW SHUVRQDOO\ ZLWQHVV VRPHRQHÂśV KDLU JHWWLQJ FDXJKW RQ ÂżUH EXW IURP ZKDW , KHDUG LW PRVW GHÂżQLWHO\ PDGH the highlight reel for the night. The next band Rapes of Grath were the best band of the night. Math rock, mixed with heavy rock, they were all really good at their instruments as well and I think the drummer winked at me. They were really tight and they are fully endorsed by Fish Rap Live! mostly for their name but their music is really good as well. One more band, Horse Marriage played and they were really good. They were really poppy but good. The party started to die down because the house ran out of Christmas trees and it was really cold so people started to leave, but not without the memories of a raging party at the three mile house.

House Paaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarty Reviews Want Fish Rap Live! to review your house party? Shoot us an e-vite at brosefmcpartyhead@gmail.com Santa Cruz has been ragin it yo. Santa Cruz has been hosting great parties and as always, funny ass shit happens at these parties, fortunately a mildly witty party guy (myself) happens to be around to catch all these moments. I’ll start off this installment of house party reviews with a party downtown. I attended a function downtown with another FRL staff member, lets call him Brewsky McSchwasted. Anyways it wasn’t a total rager, but it was fun as hell and there were plenty of classic house party moments at this event. We entered the massive house and felt really uncomfortable because apparently this party was some sort of formal dress-up party. As always, I did not dress up for the event and just looked like a shitty dude. I was already out of my element at this party because in general I hate people, but I learned quickly that being under dressed at a formal party makes you stick out like a sore thumb. As VRRQ DV ZH UHDOL]HG ZH ZHUHQœW JRLQJ WR ¿W LQ we decided to make our way to the liquor store, booze up and get ready to crash this party. We re-entered the party made our way through the house small talking with the people we knew and then I saw you, my missed connection. You were average height with medium length hair. You were blonde or brunette, I don’t really remember. You were not fat and in fact you were incredibly attractive. I was the one that wasn’t dressed up. I would have approached you but

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

This space for rent. $300/month, cute pets only.

9

-93 5L^Z HUK *VTPJZ

by Melissa Rachel Black

by Mark Delyani

-PZO 9HW ;=! 1LZ\Z *OYPZ[ 9LHSS`&

Kevin Bacon* Agrees: “Yeah, I mean, it’s kind of funny I guess” “Staggeringly unfunny.” -- The New York Times “What the fuck?” -- Chicago Tribune Fish Rap TV is looking for willing and able slaves to act and write. And edit. Especially edit. Maybe also a camera guy. *Kevin Bacon may be a glam-rock terminator

youtube.com/fishraplive George Blumenthal likes this.

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

10

All Grant, All The Time!

I Wouldn’t Mate With You If You Were the Last Panda in the Southern Hemisphere

GRANT GOLLAND SHAVES BEARD

by Funi Let’s just be friends. It’s not you, it’s me. Sorry, I’ve got to wash my pelt tonight. I guess what I’m trying to say is, I wouldn’t mate with you if you were the last giant panda in the Southern Hemisphere. If China wants to pimp me out to a forHLJQ ]RR IRU D \HDU ÂżQH E\ PH — maybe it’ll cover their abortion bills for a week or two. And if Australia is dead-set on building you a state-of-the-art bachelor pad complete with refrigerated rocks and panda porn collection, that’s a damn shame waste of money. ‘Cause I’m not putting out. No way. Don’t pull the whole “saving our speciesâ€? card with me, you little inbred fucker. We all know that Endangered Species Act LV MXVW DQ H[SHQVLYH UHDVRQ WR FRQÂżVFDWH cool pets and live in trees. And honestly, if all future giant panda populations are going to descend from a scrawny fugster like you, we might as well go extinct. Come on, that’d just be embarrassing. As for me coming around, I’m in heat for two, maybe three days a year. Just give me a box of chocolates and a smooth rock WR UXE XS DJDLQVW DQG ,ÂśOO GR MXVW ÂżQH “But you’re such a gentleman!â€? you say? Yeah, right. Not once have you asked me how I’ve been feeling, or offered to rub my feet, or dropped by with a nice fruit SODWWHU RU VRPH ÂżVK ZLWK WKH KHDGV ULSSHG off, just how I like them. Don’t you dare think that I’m just going to bend over and take it for the thirty seconds you’ll last before wanting to take a nap. What kind of name is Wang Wang, anyway? Were your handlers weren’t trying to compensate for something? Why you would think a panda hottie like myself would be DTF when you’re hung like a cub, I’ll never understand. And don’t think that I am unaware of the Viagra they’ve been hiding in your snacks. Oh, and please do explain why a whole continent thinks you’ll get me in bed, you cocky bastard. I’ve got a reputation to uphold, and if after all this is all over, I get KRPH WR ÂżQG WKH ZKROH ]RR WU\LQJ WR PRXQW me for a handful of bamboo, I’ll kick your furry ass. I might be stuck with you for the next ten years, but after that, believe me, I’m gonna get me some quality panda dick. Because I have standards. I want a bear with a thick brown coat who can catch plentiful amounts of salmon with his bare hands. I want a bear who can protect me. I want a bear who can rip through a tent like tissue paper and return with a camp’s worth of chewing gum. But most of all, I want a bear who will get the fuck out of my life when I decide to raise my cubs and not stick around like a fucking pussy bitch.

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

“The ‘Willennium’ Not Going As Planned,� Says Will Smith by Jun Takeda The look of defeat was evident when Will Smith admitted in a public statement on Wednesday that, “It’s all over, I thought I was about to run this shit, the future looked so bright but I guess I’ll just have to get by with Wild Wild West 2�. The bright future Smith was referring to was of course the “Willennium� that was proposed on his sophomore album Willennium on the hit song Will 2K in 1999. Will Smith predicted that for the entirety of the next millennium he would, “Run shit, run mad train on bitches and get jiggy wit it.� The 90’s belonged to Will Smith, everyone knew that; with Big Willie Style, Smith’s debut album being at the top of charts and the immense success of Men In Black and Independence Day Smith was destined to be the center of attention for at least 1000 more years. The early 2000s were promising for Smith; turn on the television and Will Smith could be seen at any time during the day 365 days a year. If “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air� wasn’t on TV, then I, Robot, Wild Wild West, Independence Day, Men in Black, Bad Boys or Bad Boys 2 was on; Smith was everywhere, he was

unavoidable, he was on demand, and every major picture requiring a Black actor demanded Smith. The Willennium headquarters located in the city where the heat is on and the party don’t stop till the break of dawn, Miami, was the epicenter of the Willennium. Experts at the 0LDPL RI¿FH HVWLPDWHG WKDW DW DQ\ JLYHQ WLPH Will Smith’s face was being viewed by at least 100 million Americans. At the rate in which Smith’s popularity was increasing, Will Smith was meant to be one of the greatest American ¿JXUHV 6PLWK ZDV VLWWLQJ SUHWW\ WKURXJKRXW WKH early 2000s and his son, Jaden Smith, was even nominated for best breakthrough performance LQ WKH ¿OP Pursuit of Happyness, securing complete and total fucking Smith domination in the new millennium. Smith and his family could not be stopped, they were a Hollywood ZUHFNLQJ FUHZ VPDVKLQJ ER[ RI¿FHV DQG WDNLQJ names all while listening to the soundtrack of Wild Wild West which, by the way, was also written by Smith. Everything was going according to plan, but alas, in 2007 Smith’s dreams of a Willennium ended, for some reason people lost interest in

Will Smith. When asked about the death of the Willennium, Smith stated, “It’s kind of a sensitive subject, I got some egg on my face coming out the gates in ‘99 saying all that Willennium shit, basically, Hitch didn’t go as well as planned, and I knew this dream of a Willennium was coming to an end when Denzel beat me for the lead in American Gangster, but what I think really screwed it up for me was when I killed the dog in I Am Legend.â€? Feedback from internet blogs DQG UHYLHZ VLWHV FRQÂżUP WKDW WKH ZKHQ 6PLWK killed the dog in I Am Legend many people got “really really pissedâ€? and said, “fuck that guy, I like dogs, and I vote against the Willennium.â€? Will Smith formally apologized for the “dog incidentâ€? as it is referred to now and plans to try and earn the trust of the American people back. Smith states that, “Even my mom was ashamed, she was worried about my future and suggested that I move with my auntie and uncle in BelAirâ€?. An embarrassed Smith admitted to being overambitious and in 2010 hopes to get a part as an extra in Martin Lawrence’s new movie Big Momma’s House 3.

Heterosexual Marriage “Totally Gayâ€? Say Both Participants by Grant Golland TAMPA – U.S. Ted and Kathryn Gleskie, a married couple that tied the knot at First Community Church in Saratoga in 2004, have both expressed growing concerns that their marriage is getting “totally gay.â€? “Its been like this since the wedding, to be honest,â€? said Ted, “ever since Kathryn insisted that the napkins match the groomsmen’s ties, I just knew this shit was going to be totally gay.â€? Kathryn shared similar feelings, “When we ÂżUVW JRW PDUULHG 7HG WROG PH WKDW KH GLGQÂśW ZDQW

NLGV , ZDV ÂżQH ZLWK LW DW WKH WLPH EXW ORRNLQJ back, it just seems gay gay gay gay gay.â€? While both parties have expressed regret about this so-called “Super Gay Marriage,â€? both ultimately blame it on themselves, each claiming that it was their own fault that their gaydar didn’t go off hard enough to notice how much of a fag the other one was. “Listen,â€? said Kathryn, speaking to her husband over dinner, “I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with the lifestyle, its just that I

didn’t sign up for this fag shit. Peace homo.â€? Ted reportedly issued a similar statement: Âł2XU 7LYR LV ÂżOOHG ZLWK HSLVRGHV RI 4XHHU DV Folk, The L Word, and The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. If that dyke’s gonna try to say shit, I swear I’m gonna record some Manswers or something.â€? Marriage expert Anne Morette weighed in, claiming “I mean, I don’t know what they were expecting. Marriage in general is just totally gay.â€?

subversive element to threaten the welfare of my .LQJGRP ´ +LV VSHHFK ZDV ÂżUP DQG XQ\LHOGLQJ garnering praise from many pundits. “We have seen the deaths of too many in the world of fast food recently,â€? he added, “The recent passing of Glen Bell, Jr. has left a major hole in the world political climate.â€?

U.N. Secretary Ban-Kai Moon issued harsh strictures against the Kingdom of Burger on Sunday, claiming the use of violence against a QDWLRQÂśV RZQ SHRSOH LV QHYHU MXVWLÂżHG WR ZKLFK the King responded, “Have it your way.â€?

Burger King Quashes Democratic Uprising by Grant Golland THE U.N. - The King addressed a crowd of world leaders today concerning his decision to dispatch his own nation’s military on a group of protestors. “We live in uncertain times,� the King announced while being live translated to a group of world leaders, “I will not allow a

11

I’m not drunk, I’m just slapping my cheeks.

21 Interesting Classes This Quarter At UCSC STEV 10 Skills For College: Skills include: jerking off quietly, dining hall WKLHYHU\ GRXFKH\ SROLWLFDO JUDIÂżWL VHPLQDU LQ FODVV VH[WLQJ DOWHUQDWLYH PDULMXDQD QRPHQFOD ture studies.

2$.6 *D\V DQG /HVELDQV LQ WKH 8QLWHG States 7RSLFV LQFOXGH H[SHULPHQWDO GHQWDO GDPV EUDLQVWRUPLQJ ZLWW\ SURWHVW VORJDQV DQG deportation strategies.

62&< 'HYLDQFH DQG &RQIRUPLW\ The MAN wants you to take this class, bro.

+,6 ' 7KH &LYLO :DU (UD 6WXGHQWV GLVWLOO WKHLU RZQ PRRQVKLQH SUDFWLFH theories of quelling slave rebellions. Final SURMHFW GHIDFLQJ 8O\VVHV 6 *UDQWÂśV JUDYH

62&< 6\PEROLF ,QWHUDFWLRQLVP DQG 6RFL RORJ\ RI (PRWLRQV 7KH PLGGOH ÂżQJHU DV SRVWPRGHUQ GLVFRXUVH 36<& % +XPDQ 6H[XDOLW\ 7RSLFV LQFOXGH PLVVLRQDU\ FRZJLUO UHYHUVH FRZJLUO GRJJLHVW\OH &OHYHODQG 6WHDPRORJ\ tentacles. Reading List: “Hey Bitch, That’s the Wrong Hole!â€? by bell hooks. ),/0 $ )LOP 9LGHR DQG *HQGHU ,Q GHSWK DQDO\VLV RI ÂłWZR JLUOV RQH FXS ´

$067 7 ,QYHQWLQJ WKH 6DYDJH Taught by Professor Brohans von Chillindaze. Conceptions of “the savageâ€? engendered through gnarly bong rips, phatty wave rides, PDG SXEOLFO\ VKRWJXQQLQJ EHHUV COWL 154D Dance and Modern Life 6WXGHQWV OHDUQ KRZ WR MHUN FULS ZDON PLON shake, and shake that laffy taffy in preparation IRU WRGD\ÂśV JR JHW ÂľHP VZDJJD KHDY\ ZRUOG

+,67 % /DWLQ $PHULFD 1DWLRQDO 3HULRG Topics include: use of Chiclets to quell PHQVWUXDO EORRG $OSDFD IXU WR VXSSUHVV ÂłODWLQ WHPSHU ´ DQG 7DSDWLR DV DQ DSKURGLVLDF $17+ ' 7ULEHV &DVWHV :RPHQ 7KLV LV 8&6& MXVW WKURZ VRPH IXFNLQÂś VODVKHV in that course title and BOOM! College 4 lyfe. ART 140 Metal Sculpture Students use beer cans to construct altars to SLAYER, Pantera, and other Metal Dieties. &RQFXUUHQW HQUROOPHQW LQ $57 %ODFN 0HWDO )RQW 'HVLJQ UHFRPPHQGHG )LOP 5 7KH )LOP 5H PDNH Prerequisite: Extensively Douchey knowledge RI ÂśV ,QJPDU %HUJPDQQ ÂżOPV PXVW KDYH seen “TRON.â€?

$17+ = Âą 7KH *RRG /LIH 6WXGHQWV SDUWLFL SDWH LQ WRWDOO\ FKLOO GUXP FLUFOHV ZKLOH GULQNLQJ 6DQJULD ZLWK ORRVH KRWWLHV &03( ,QWUR to EDA Tools for PCB Design. Students use WKH (GLEOH 'LFN $VV VRIWZDUH WR SUHSDUH IRU D FDUHHU LQ 3HQLV &RFN %XWW 'HVLJQ %,2 - Âą %LRORJ\ RI $,'6 Students listen to Queen and participate in 0DJLF -RKQVRQ &RQFXUUHQW HQUROOPHQW LQ )(067 7KH ,GHD RI $IULFD UHTXLUHG 086,& *URXS 3LDQR 6WXGHQWV SD\ WR FUDP DURXQG VRPH SLHFH RI VKLW &DVLR DQG ÂżJXUH RXW 7 3DLQ EDVVOLQHV ),/0 $ 7HFKQRWKULOOHUV Students set “Thrillerâ€? dance to Bassnectar. ),/0 ; (\H&DQG\ 6HPLQDU 7,76 25 *7)2

Behind the Scenes At FRL! Production When we set out to create this section, we had it all planned out. We were gonna do a couple infographics, make up some chat logs, and take screenshots of ourselves photoshopping dicks onto stuff. Then we got a little distracted with Chatroulette and made some new friends. , P VXUH PRVW RI \D OO NQRZ DERXW Chatroulette by now, but if not you have to FKHFN WKLV VKLW RXW IRU DW OHDVW PLQXWHV &KDWURXOHWWH LV SUHWW\ PXFK WKH LQWHUQHW YHU VLRQ RI WKH 079 VKRZ 1H[W ,W V D ZHE VLWH WKDW UDQGRPO\ SDLUV \RX ZLWK DQRWKHU &KDWURXOHWWH YLFWLP DQG IRUFHV \RX WR YLGHR FKDW ZLWK WKHP XQWLO RQH RI \RX SUHVVHV WKH QH[W EXWWRQ ,W PLJKW EH D ZDVWH RI \RXU WLPH EXW LI \RX ZDQW D FRXSOH ODXJKV and if you want to be disgusted by dudes jerking off into a cabbage then Chatroulette is your type of website. We started off our Chatroulette adventure with well, dick. Chatroulette is an activity that should be HQMR\HG LQ D ODUJH JURXS RU HOVH \RX UH MXVW another creepy, lonely person. Anyways, ZKHQ \RX UH VKLHOGHG E\ WKH DQRQ\PLW\ RI WKH LQWHUQHW \RX IHHO PRUH LQFOLQHG WR VKRZ \RXU GLFN WR UDQGRP VWUDQJHUV DSSDUHQWO\ 6RPH RI RXU GLFN ÀDVKLQJ FKDW PDWHV JRW ERRV VRPH JRW FODSSLQJ EXW PRVW RI WKHP JRW VNLSSHG 8QIRUWXQDWHO\ IRU RQH IHOORZ we decided to stick around for his jerk off DQWLFV ZKLFK HQGHG HPEDUUDVVLQJO\ IRU KLP :H RUGHUHG KLP WR MHUN LW IDVWHU DQG KDUGHU in which he responded with furious thrusts RI KLV KDQGV LQ RUGHU WR PHHW RXU GHPDQGV :H WKHQ DVNHG KLP WR VKRZ XV KLV IHHW WKLV PDQ ZDV REYLRXVO\ D JLYHU QRW D WDNHU VR KH IROORZHG RXU FRPPDQGV \HW DJDLQ SURXGO\ GLVSOD\LQJ KLV IHHW WR WKH ZHEFDP :H WKHQ DVNHG KLP LI KH FRXOG MHUN KLPVHOI RII ZLWK KLV IHHW KH MRNLQJO\ DWWHPSWHG EXW IDLOHG EHFDXVH , ZRXOG LPDJLQH LWV UHDOO\ hard to jerk yourself off with your feet. We NHSW URRWLQJ KLP RQ WU\LQJ WR JHW KLP WR HMDFXODWH EXW DIWHU DERXW WKUHH PLQXWHV RI ZDWFKLQJ KLP YLROHQWO\ \DQN KLV FRFN KH ORVW KLV ERQHU )5/ VWDII PHPEHUV DUH ZD\ hot, so theres no way it was our fault this JX\ QHHGV WR JR WR WKH GRFWRU DQG JHW VRPH help for erectile dysfunction. We tried tell LQJ KLP LW ZDV RND\ WKDW KH ORVW KLV ERQHU but deep down inside we were laughing at KLP DQG ZH NQHZ ZH ZHUH JRLQJ WR WHOO DOO of our friends in a few hours. A picture is worth a thousand words and we took a LOT of screen shots.

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

XIV

AVATAR If James Cameron isn’t above Papyrus then FRL! isn’t either

Avatar’s Blue People Are Furries by Maya Ysaguirre

Avatar, the crackiest mind-fuck-movie since Nicholas Cage’s “Knowing,” seems to unintentionally raise the question of the difference between furry and “anthro.” Now, perhaps I am reading too much into the obvious sexual tension between Catwomanforestnymph Neytiri and Crippledloserbatsmurf 2ISM [WUM\PQVO *]\ _PMV aW]¼ZM QV I \PMI\MZ ÅTTML _Q\P O]a[ tugging their dicks to action scenes, isn’t it only appropriate

to think about sex? 9]QKS ^WKIJ]TIZa TM[[WV" ¹)V\PZWXWUWZXPQKº LMÅVM[ IVQUIT[ in humanoid positions. Think of all the goofy animated movies you watched when you were innocent, in which cats could operate vacuum cleaners. The point at which the girl cat is introduced to the cartoon is the tipping point — you see, the characters are only “anthro” until they have slightly raised areas that nearly resemble breasts, and dark eyelashes. Maybe it’s part of the innocent charm, having loony tunes run around on two legs and what not, but I think there’s something eerie about any animals that can light a stick of dynamite. Now, Avatar’s alien-humanoid characters fall strictly under the LMÅVQ\QWV WN N]ZZa <PM UW^QM¼[ \W\ITTa IKKMX\IJTM \PW]OP JMKI][M Q\[ TW^M QV\MZM[\¼[ K]Z^IKMW][ ÅO]ZM []KKMML[ QV LQ[\ZIK\QVO I\\MV\QWV from her creepy tail and giant bat ears. And yes, there are numerous scenes of the main characters awkwardly plugging their tails (which act as extended sex organs) into creatures that vaguely resemble Hitler’s wife’s genitals. But I challenge your claims about bestiality by asking whether or not those vagina-dentata-monsters can actually be considered animals. I hope you’ll never watch Avatar the same again.

Avatar and Beastiality Mitigation by Aviva Wolman Have you seen Avatar yet? How many times? The beautiful graphics are almost forcing people to see it over and over again, despite the prices for a quality viewing in 3D, IMAX, or both! Although you claim to see it for those stunning graphics, you should be aware that you saw subliminal, political messages PQLLMV LMMX QV \PM []XMZÆ]W][ XTW\ 1V \PM UW^QM IVQUIT[ IZM like prostitutes who will do anything you think about after you connect the queues (those spiraling strings at the end of their hair) and bind in a way that must be sexual. The hippies have taken it too far with this. The connection of the queues is not necessarily sexual. After all, I’m a perverted teenager looking for any innuendo I KIV ÅVL *]\ 1 SVW_ \PI\ I[ [WWV I[ 1 [I_ 2ISM KWVVMK\ _Q\P \PM ,QZMPWZ[M \PI\ ÅZ[\ IVQUIT \PI\ TWWSML TQSM \PM XZWL]K\ WN I horse having sex with a blue anteater), I was thinking sexually. The fact that the Direhorse’s pupils dilated right after the connection only made my perverted thought process more logical. Sure, there are situations that can make your pupils dilate, like smoking weed or being in the dark, but I don’t think either were the case for the Direhorse due to the daytime

FanArt by Mark Delyani

light and lack of Na’avi with the munchies (although can you imagine being high on a planet like that?). Recently, a script of a deleted sex scene between Jake and Neytiri scene made its way onto the internet. I’ll just quote the script: “[Neytiri] takes the end of her queue and raises it. Jake does the same with trembling anticipation. The tendrils at the end move with

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

Na’vi to English Translations mllte - agree

pizayu - ancestor unobtanium - stupidest fucking name for a rare substance ever iveh k’nivi s’di - penis miso -delicious fucking soup kaw’ng - a sound effect of metal on metal JAKESU’LLY - Jake Sully txe’n - where George Bush is from v’ul - va sw’izaw - an apparatus by which two people sit on a lever and bob up and down maw’s - some complicated mystical idea that has no direct english translation sorry

a life of their own, straining to be joined…The tendrils intertwine with gentle undulations. Jake rocks with the direct contact between his nervous system and hers. The ultimate fantasy” (P]NÅVO\WVXW[\ com). So basically, Jake has sex with Neytiri the same way that he “bonds” with the animals. And sex is a bonding experience, right? So

FanArt by David Dines

se’mpu - a stupid bitch that won’t return your calls despite the fact that you left three messages telling her that you just want to talk things out and you’re really sorry and that it wouldn’t have happened the way it did, it’s just that you had never tried ecstasy before and weren’t in control of your full mental faculties yom - a sound made when something is yummy yo’mtìng - regurtiation far’t - a greeting meaning something similar to “good evening”if she is a supermodel ewya - Jesus with tits plus trees

Jake is clearly having sex with the Direhorse, among other Pandoran creatures. And this is not okay. Neytiri tells Jake bonds (or sex) with the Mountain Banshee (the trippy, colorful pterodactyl) last for life. This kind of bond sounds a lot like marriage. So basically, it’s okay to marry Mountain Banshees, and who knows what other animals. This totally threatens the sanctity of marriage. What will they do next? Allow men to marry men and women to marry women? Do they expect children to grow up with a father and a dinosaur? What kind of family is that? But sex and marriage with animals are not enough for the people of Pandora. In order to pray to their deity through nature (freaking tree-huggers), they have to have sex with nature. So you see them connecting their queues with the trees! This takes tree-hugging to a whole new level. I would like to call this tree-raping. The tree can’t say no. It is forced to sit there and let all these people have sex with it regardless of if it is consensual. They’re supposed to love nature, right? Why are none of them protesting for tree rights? The treeZIXQ[\[ U][\ JM [\WXXML JMNWZM \PM ZIXQVO [XZMIL[ \W ÆW_MZ[ IVL W\PMZ \PQVO[ \PI\ TWWS TQSM ÆW_MZ[ aW] SVW_ _PI\ 1 UMIV Avatar is like a stranger with candy luring children into his van. But Avatar lures people in with beautiful graphics and then thrusts liberal propaganda at them. Say no to Avatar! Take acid instead, and keep your structured beliefs.

poo’ntang - ripe fruit juice, also gummy bears dreamwalker - honkey, cracker, white devil, pale face, gringo, trailer trash c’i’t’y’o’n’a’h’i’l’l’p’r’e’s’s - a common forest material used to line the cages of small retarded na’vi kept in captivity

Lick this page for a surprising flavor!

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Porno Reviews

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The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

Take It, Bitch! That’s A Whole Lotta Penises

16

Sex advice for the deviant, experimental, and just plain bored.

Meet Your Columnists The Prof - The Prof. is a contributing UC Santa Cruz professor who, like Batman, intends to keep his true identity secret. His published works concerning the ethical conundrums of this hyper-sexualized 21st century include such titles as “You’re Jerking Me Off: Truth in the Bedroom,â€? and “Generation S.L.U.T.â€? Daisy Deep Throat - Named best International Blow Jobber of the year in 2006, Daisy now gives classes and is paid $5,000 per blow job. She received her dominatrix degree from UC Santa Cruz back in 1969 when it was still a major. St. Bambi - Bambi was an obscure child star, now turned stripper. She’s an expert fetishist and blooming fantasy-porn star. Tyrone - Ty rode the hip-hop bubble of the late ‘90s with his Ă€\ O\ULFV DERXW ELWFKHV DQG ORYLQÂś RQO\ WR EH XQFHULPRQLRXVO\ dropped by three major record labels when Eminem stopped being cool. Dear Take It Bitch, I am worried that there’s something wrong with my taint. How is it supposed to look? --Worried in Watsonville Daisy: Google images was created for a reason. Prof: In the winter months, the common taint, perineum perinetus, recedes into its lair, to spend the rainy season underground. It has collected seeds, nuts and magazines to last at least through the last storms of the season. As soon as the Ă€RZHUV VWDUW EORRPLQJ RQ 3RUWHU )LHOG \RX FDQ EHW WKH WDLQW ZLOO VKHG LWV ZLQWHU FRDW DQG KHDG WR WKH EHDFK

Dear Take it Bitch, My boyfriend wants to do anal and I’m afraid it will hurt. What is the best brand of lube to use so he doesn’t shatter my shit shack? --Trembling Turdhole in Lake Titicaca Bambi: The tears of third-world orphans works pretty well. Daisy: .< -HOO\ LV PDGH E\ -RKQVRQ DQG -RKQVRQ ZKLFK LV D company known for animal testing. Since we are in Santa Cruz, IXFN .< -HOO\ %X\ VRPH 6OLTXLG 2UJDQLFV OXEULFDWLRQ OLNH WKH W\SH , DP XVLQJ QRZ WR PDVWXUEDWH , OLNH WR PXOWL WDVN Dear Take it Bitch, I think the guy I’m going out with has an ear thing. How can I be sure? --Lonely with Lobes in Los Banos Tyrone: Wear earmuffs and see if he can get it up. Bambi: Or pull a Van Gogh and see if he ever speaks to you DJDLQ ,I \RX IHHO OLNH EHLQJ H[WUHPH Tyrone: Actually, what does a guy who is “into earsâ€? even ORRN IRU" 'RHV KH OLNH KLV OREHV DWWDFKHG RU KDQJLQJ" %LJ" $UH gauges kinky for him? Sounds like there’s a lot of opportunities IRU H[SORUDWLRQ KHUH Daisy: 5XE \RXU HDUV RQ KLV FRFN DQG VHH ZKDW KDSSHQV Bambi: %XW 'DLV\ KRZ DZNZDUG ZRXOG WKDW EH LI KH GLGQÂśW have an ear fetish? Dear Take it Bitch, My girlfriend accidentally punched me in bed. Is this S&M or domestic abuse? --Bruised and Battered on Bay Street Tyrone: There are no “accidentsâ€? in a relationship. She hits \RX EHFDXVH VKH ORYHV \RX DQG LI \RX WU\ WR GHIHQG \RXUVHOI RU FDOO D VKHOWHU \RXÂśOO QHYHU EH ORYHG HYHU HYHU DJDLQ 1R RQH loves damaged men. Daisy: Dangle some handcuffs in front of her and see if she gets wet. Bambi: Just smack her really hard and see what happens. Dear Take it Bitch, I was over at my boyfriend’s place and he went to the bathroom, so I snooped around in his dresser drawers. I found his prescription for an antibiotic commonly used to treat Chlamydia -- is he cheating on me? --Clingy at Cowell Tyrone: +LGH LW DQG VHH LI KH JRHV EOLQG ,I KH GRHV KH UHDOO\ VKRXOG FRQFHDO KLV LQÂżGHOLW\ EHWWHU ,I KH GRHVQÂśW ,ÂśP VXUH LWÂśV VRPHWKLQJ KHÂśOO ODXJK DERXW ODWHU DVVXPLQJ KH GRHVQÂśW GLH RI complications. Daisy: <RX DUH D WHUULEOH SHUVRQ &OLQJ\ 7KLV LV ZKDW KDSSHQV ZKHQ \RX VQRRS DURXQG 7KDW EHLQJ VDLG \RX VKRXOG KDYH Ă€HG from the room, leaving the prescription on his pillow with a QRWH WKDW VD\V Âł7KDQNV IRU WHOOLQJ PH GRXFKHEDJ ´ Bambi: I agree fully with Tyrone. Although, if it were me, I SUREDEO\ ZRXOG KDYH GRZQHG DOO WKH SLOOV DQG D Ă€DVN RI ZKLVkey and passed out half way to the front door. Dear Take it Bitch, My partner refuses to lay down during sex. What positions should we try? --Sallystandup

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

Bambi: 7KDWœV D ZHLUG RQH )DNH TXDGULSOHJLD DQG VHH ZKDW happens. Daisy: I’d suggest standing positions if your partner’s strong enough. If he’s not, then he should go to the gym. Bambi: 2U \RX FRXOG EX\ RQH RI WKRVH DZNZDUG VH[ UDPSV WKDW ORRNV OLNH VRPHWKLQJ \RXœG ¿QG LQ \RXU PRPœV KRPH J\P +H could sit or kneel while you play mountain goat on a cliff. Daisy: $QG GUHVV XS OLNH /LWWOH %R 3HHS &RPSOHWH ZLWK WKH staff, so you can hit him. Dear Take it Bitch, My roommate just got this really hot girlfriend. Is it okay to touch yourself while your roommate is having sex? --Masturbating at Merrill Bambi: ,I \RX FDQ GR LW FRQVSLFXRXVO\ WKHQ JR IRU LW -XVW NHHS \RXU EUHDWKLQJ QRUPDO DQG PDNH VXUH WKH OLJKWœV RII 2K XQOHVV you have some weird infection that makes your cum smells OLNH D WXQD ¿VK VDQGZLFK WKHQ ,œG VXJJHVW QRW HYHU WRXFKLQJ yourself ever again. Daisy: <RX NQRZ ZKHQ , ZDV D FROOHJH VWXGHQW EDFN LQ WKH GD\ P\ IXFN EXGG\œV URRPPDWH DVNHG LI KH FRXOG ZDWFK XV $OWKRXJK DW WKH WLPH , VDLG QR , IDQWDVL]H DERXW ZKDW ZRXOG have happened if I had said yes. So perhaps your roommate DQG KLV JLUOIULHQG ZRXOG EH VWRNHG DERXW WKLV Dear Take it Bitch, My girlfriend says she isn’t into guys who aren’t circumcised, but I looked into the procedure and it costs hella bank. Any tips on home circumcision? --Uncut and Unhappy Bambi: , KDYH WR DVN ,V WKLV JLUO UHDOO\ ZRUWK WKH SDLQ" %DELHV DUH FLUFXPFLVHG EHFDXVH WKH\ KDYH OLNH WKH DWWHQWLRQ VSDQ RI D termite. Snip, cry, move on. How long do you think it will take WR JHW RYHU WKH EORRG\ PHVV \RXœUH DERXW WR PDNH IRU D JLUO ZKRœV SLFN\ DERXW KHU GLFNV" ,I VKHœV QRW DWWUDFWHG WR XQ FXW FRFNV WKHQ VKH PXVW EH DWWUDFWHG WR HLWKHU EURNH ER\V RU LQIHFWHG SHFNHUV EHFDXVH WKDWœV ZKDW VKHœOO JHW LI \RX JR WKURXJK ZLWK WKLV Tyrone: One dude I know chopped foreskin off his dick with D ELWFKœV FXWLFOH VFLVVRUV *RW D FLJDU FXWWHU" (QYHORSH RSHQHU" 6ZLWFKEODGH" %XWWHU NQLIH" 7DNH D VKRW RI ZKLVNH\ DQG PDQ XS Bar Mitzvah style. Bambi: Or dump her for a German girl. Daisy: &DOO WKH 5DEEL Dear Take it Bitch, Whenever my girlfriend and I have sex she wants to listen to Lady Gaga, but I’m afraid I can’t read her poker face. --Disco Stick No More? Tyrone: 6RXQGV OLNH \RXU JLUOIULHQGœV D OHVER &DVK LQ RQ WKDW WKUHHVRPH EHIRUH VKH UHDOL]HV LW DQG PDNHV WKH VZLWFK Bambi: ,I VKH ORRNV ERUHG WKHQ VKHœV D OHVELDQ ,I VKH ORRNV WLUHG WKHQ VKHœV MXVW QRW LQWR LW ,I VKH ORRNV EODQN WKHQ VKHœV dead. Have faith in your face reading skills. Though really, if WKH VH[ LV JRRG HQRXJK WKHQ VKH VKRXOGQœW KDYH D SRNHU IDFH DW DOO

Got sex questions? Support your local sexperts and write to Take it, Bitch! sluttymcfuqfuq@gmail.com

17

Shout out to FRL!’s new Chatroulette best friend in Indiana! Hi Abby!

> Connected, feel free to talk now

Stranger:

Chatroulette: Show Feet or GTFO

You: The future of the internet is here and it’s mostly comprised of dicks.

Fig A: “Wangs of the World� by Carly McGaugh

Who hasn’t fantasized about being able to meet new people and enjoy new naughty bits at the drop of a hat? With the aid of technology and the widespread use of webcams, Chatroulette is sweeping the world and bringing exhibitionists and voyeurs together from all around the globe (see Figure A) for mutual maturbation and good clean fun. Two FRL! staffers share their experiences.

Take It, Bitch Feature: Daisy Does Chatroulette by Daisy Deep Throat

After a long day in class I kicked off my shoes and sat down in front of my MacBook. After spending three hours and forty seconds on Facebook creeping on my hot TA’s page, I decided to creep on some other, more anonymous, folks. In case you aren’t into webcamming and weirdos, Chatroulette is a chat room where instead of just typing, one also appears on webcam, with or without sound. The site matches together two random people with a webcam, some free time, and no shame. If you are introduced to someone who doesn’t tickle your fancy, you click next and a new person pops up to chat with. Thus began my amusing, yet uncomfortable time on Chatroulette. 0\ ÂżUVW WLPH RQ &KDWURXOHWWH IHOW OLNHÂŤ ZHOOÂŤ P\ ÂżUVW WLPH , ZDV QHUYRXV DQG GLGQÂśW TXLWH NQRZ ZKDW WR H[SHFW EXW , NQHZ LWÂśG EH D ELW SDLQIXO DQG YHU\ PHPRUDEOH , KHVLWDQWO\ FOLFNHG “Chat Nowâ€? and came chin to face, or rather, chin to chest, (I didn’t want to show my eyes in case my new friend happened to be in my math class) with a nude young man. > Connected, feel free to talk now Stranger: Strip for me baby. You: Are you going to pay me? Stranger: No, but watch this $QG ZLWK WKDW KH SXOOHG RXW KLV SHQLV 1RZ , XVXDOO\ GRQÂśW KDYH D SUREOHP ZLWK PHQ SXOOLQJ RXW WKHLU \RXWKIXO FRFNV EXW WKLV LQWHUQHW PHHW DQG JUHHW PDGH PH TXLWH XQFRPIRUWDEOH You: How do you know I am not ugly? Stranger: Because you’re sexy You: How do you know I am not a dude with long hair? That was a bit too gay for him, so he pressed next and a new stranger appeared. 7KLV WLPH , GHFLGHG ,ÂśG EH D ELW PRUH GDULQJ )DFHG ZLWK DQRWKHU ERUHG DQG VH[ GHSULYHG FROlege student, I pulled up my shirt and sat there in my brassiere. Within seconds, a new stranger showed up for a brief moment before nexting me. You heard me right; the man who was lucky HQRXJK WR VHH P\ QHDUO\ QDNHG ERRELHV QH[WHG PH 1R RQH KDV HYHU QH[WHG PH ZLWK P\ VKLUW off! It took me awhile to recuperate from my ego blow, but soon I was back on the Roulette. Now , ZDV IDFH WR IDFH ZLWK D IDW $VLDQ PDQ LQ D SROND GRW EUD , RQO\ KDYH D IDW IHWLVK RQ )ULGD\ DQG LW was Tuesday, so NEXT! This time I came face to face with a female who promptly nexted me. I don’t blame her, DV , DP QRW D QDNHG GXGH MDFNLQJ LW WR KLV FRPSXWHU VFUHHQ $QG RK PDQ ZHUH WKHUH VHYHUDO RI WKRVH $ERXW HYHU\ RWKHU VWUDQJHU ZDV D PDQ ZKDFNLQJ RII , VLJKWHG D IHZ YHU\ QLFH GLFNV , PXVW say, but not nice enough to get me out of my pants. +RZHYHU P\ GHDU IULHQG DQG FROOHDJXH 7KH 3URIHVVRU JRW PH RXW RI P\ VKLUW +H LQVLVWHG , show some goods on camera in order to make this article more interesting (and erotically appealLQJ , DWH D VFUXPSWLRXV OXQFK RI ULFH DQG WRIX , KHDUG LWÂśV DQ DSKURGLVLDF RU PD\EH 3(7$ ZDV lying) and sat down at my desk, with some background music, a la my apartment mate and her boyfriend fucking. I pressed “Startâ€? and was soon boobs to face with a hand and a penis. > Connected, feel free to talk now Stranger: hi baby You: your dick is ugly 6WUDQJHU , NQRZ KHQRH\ \RXU WLWV DUH YHU\ QLFH L ORYH WKHP , FRXOG QRW EHOLHYH KH RZQHG XS WR KLV XJO\ UHG GLFN 0D\EH KH ZDV LQWR KXPLOLDWLRQ :KDWHYHU WKH FDVH ZDV LW ZDV XJO\ DV IXFN DQG P\ H\HV EXUQHG 6R , QH[WHG WKH PRWKHU IXFNHU DQG FDPH ERREV WR IDFH ZLWK D PDQÂśV FKHVW +H KDG YHU\ QLFH SHFWRUDO PXVFOHV DQG , W\SHG D FRPSOLment about how his mammary glands were almost as large as mine. This strapping young lad had a different way of going about his masturbatory habits. Instead of whipping out his goods immediately, he politely told me he was about to go out to the bars with his “matesâ€? and was feeling “rude.â€? He explained: Stranger: I was hoping to cybersex with someone. You: Well good luck, blow a load for me. And with that, I closed my MacBook and opened my mouth... to a real penis.

Too Many Dicks In The Chatroom by Chantal Dillinger

How many, in life, are too many? Too many burritos? Too many kittens? Too many all-lesbian $& '& FRYHU EDQGV" 7RR PDQ\ GLFNV LQ D FKDWURRP" No, I didn’t think it was possible either, but this is the premise behind Chatroulette.com, either WKH JUHDWHVW RU WKH ZRUVW WKLQJ WR KDSSHQ WR P\ VHOI HVWHHP WKLV TXDUWHU GHSHQGLQJ RQ KRZ \RX look at it. Chatroulette is a forum for penises around the world, both great and small, to congregate, discuss today’s pressing issues, and ask me why I’m not showing my boobs. 7KH GLYHUVLW\ RI VFURWXPV VFURWL" LQ WKH &KDWURXOHWWH FRPPXQLW\ LV WR EH PDUYHOHG DW 6RPH DUH KDQJLQJ IURP GUHDGORFNHG 0H[LFDQ PDOH VWULSSHUV ZKR VHOĂ€HVVO\ ZLVK WR VKDUH WKHLU JLIW LQWHUQDWLRQDOO\ 6RPH KDYH )UHQFK DFFHQWV 2WKHUV WHOO PH , KDYH WKUHH FKLQV DQG WKHQ \HOO DW PH WR VKRZ VRPH ERREÂŤ 2K DQG VRPH DUH DWWDFKHG WR QXGH KDQJLQJ FRUSVHV :KLFK XQIRUWXQDWHO\ ,ÂśYH GLVFRYHUHG DUH QRW UHDO But what can I, as a woman, bring to this global sausage fest? Logic would say, “a penis,â€? but reality says, “Jar-Jar Binks masks.â€? And why not? Guys like Star Wars. Guys on the Internet REALLY like Star Wars. But I was unprepared for how true this really is. Shit was about to get real. 7KH ÂżUVW SHUVRQ P\ SDUWQHU LQ DFWLRQ .LP DQG , HQFRXQWHUHG ZKLOH ZHDULQJ WKH -DU -DU PDVNV ZDV D SUHVXPDEO\ HOHYHQ \HDU ROG $VLDQ FKLOG ZKR UHSHDWHGO\ LQIRUPHG XV WKDW KH NQHZ ZH ZHUH VH[\ JLUOV XQGHU WKH PDVNV DQG KH ZDQWHG XV WR WDNH WKHP RII 2K DQG DOVR WR ÂłVKRZ VRPH boob.â€? Concerned that this young child was being exposed to the dangers of the Internet so young, I conscientiously told him to go fuck himself. 7KHQ ZH PRYHG RQ WR WKH ROGHU PRUH VRSKLVWLFDWHG PLGGOH VFKRRO FURZG 7KH\ SURPSWO\ DOHUWHG XV WKDW ZH KDG ÂłWHQ VHFRQGV WR VKRZ ERREVÂŤRU HOVH ´ 7KH\ ZHUH SUHWW\ FXWH IRU IRXUWHHQ year-olds, but we declined. 2I FRXUVH QH[W ZH ,QWHUQHW PHW D GHSUHVVHG %ULWLVK ÂłFKDS´ ZKR ZDV QHLWKHU DPXVHG QRU WXUQHG RQ E\ RXU -DU -DU WZLQ DFW WZLQV 6WDU :DUV HYHU\ ER\ÂśV ZHW GUHDP ULJKW" , GRQÂśW HYHQ understand guys anymore. Just pick a fetish and roll with it), right when the “nextâ€? button stopped working. Despite our pleas that he “nextâ€? us, the break in his wrist cutting schedule was almost RYHU DQG KH GLGQÂśW KDYH HQRXJK WLPH WR LQLWLDWH D QHZ FRQYHUVDWLRQ 6R ZH ZDONHG RII FDPHUD DQG waited. At this point, I must admit, a feeling grabbed hold of me that I can only describe as the cyber HTXLYDOHQW RI WKH ZDON RI VKDPH , IHOW OLNH D ZKRUH $ GLUW\ FKHDS -DU -DU ZKRUH %XW MXVW OLNH Mary Magdalene was redeemed by Jesus (don’t judge, I only know this Bible reference because she was a slut, and I can relate to that), Jar-Jar Binks was redeemed by a Southern college student by-day, Christian rapper/hip-hop performance artist by night. He didn’t want to know how many Jedi I’d been with, what seedy bars I used to hang out in on Tattooine, he only asked if I was a Christian. I said no, but this didn’t stop him from showing me his mad Jesus-inspired MC skillz, yo. He also showed me his hat collection. +DYLQJ EHHQ VDYHG E\ WKH /DZG ZH ZHUH RII WR KR RQFH DJDLQ ZKHQ RQH RI &KDWURXOHWWHÂśV infamous masturbating penises appeared. We waited to see how long it would take for its owner to realize that he was in fact, staring at a pair of Jar-Jar twins. Sarcastically, I asked, “Does Star Wars turn you on?â€? “Uh huh,â€? he grunted in response. , VDW KRUULÂżHG DV KH NHSW PDVWXUEDWLQJ NQRZLQJ WKDW KH ZDV JDLQLQJ HURWLF SOHDVXUH VWDULQJ DW two plastic Halloween masks of a giant CGI amphibian. And yes, he came. Meessah Jar-Jar Binks, and I aim to please.

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

by Chris Gaitan

FRL! Investigates: I might be an asshole, but you might be an alcoholic.

18

The Oakes Computer Lab

As Jesus Christ famously stated, “everybody jacks off.â€? Though historically frowned upon in human culture, masturbation has been around since the dawn of man; perfectly symbolized by those monkeys wielding bones around the giant phallic monolith in the beginning of 2001: A Space Odyssey (Kubrick truly was the Sigmund Freud of the modern era). As the centuries have progressed and the human race has grown ever the wiser, WKH SK\VLFDO DFW RI VHOI JUDWLÂżFDWLRQ KDV WKDQNIXOO\ EHFRPH PRUH and more acceptable in our culture. Gone are the myths of hairy palms and blindness of yesteryear. In their place has sprung the age of the awkward conversation with parents insisting, “It’s a totally normal act, just make sure you lock your door in the future.â€? Yet in a world that has elected an almost-black President of the United States, outlawed discrimination against minorities (except for all you homos), DQG VFLHQWLÂżFDOO\ GLVSURYHG the existence of God, there is still one pesky prejudice that has survived well into the 21st century. There is still one harmless act that has not yet been allowed to leap into the ever-widening chasm of political correctness. I speak of course about public masturbation. Yes, we have come so far yet have so few places to cum. The last time I tried to rub one out in lecture I was met with utter outrage and a litany of disciplinary consequences. And ironically, the class happened to be none other than Human Sexuality, talk about false advertising. It was due to this injustice that I had to take my stroking activity elsewhere on campus. I tried the safe route, but bathrooms are foul places and completely devoid of the hardcore pornography I hold so dear to my heart. I’m also an avid exhibitionist and the stall was far too claustrophobic for my taste. I tried bringing my laptop to the Stevenson running track, but the chiseled-in-stone ubermensch sprinting past me continually elevated my physical insecurities (I’m quite scrawny and pale), thus constantly softening my erection. It was then that I discovered the ultimate location for my hedonistic needs. It seemed so obvious: the computer labs! Thus began P\ TXHVW WR ÂżQG WKH RSWLPDO ODE ORFDWLRQ WR beat my meat while safely hiding this fact from the students around me and avoiding anymore pesky restraining orders. And faithful reader, let me reveal that I have struck a goldmine. So if you’re like me and you simply can’t hold off ’til home before engaging in a little “helping handâ€? happiness, rest assured. Your humble narrator shall provide you with the key tips to optimize your public lewdness needs. Location Choose the Oakes Computer Lab. Yes, it’s far away and inconvenient, but that adds to the safety. Almost no one ever goes into the Oakes lab (just as no one ever really goes into Oakes at DOO $QG ZKHQ \RX VHH WKH OD\RXW \RXÂśOO ÂżQG \RXUVHOI LQ MDFN RII heaven. Unlike the Cowell and Porter labs, the computers are not positioned against the walls thus making the monitors visible to everyone in the room. Instead, they are sectioned off in rows,

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

providing adequate privacy in the back of the room. The desks are large, too, making it easy to slide underneath and hide the bottom half of your body. And best of all, unlike any other labs on campus there is no student employee monitoring the room. ,WœV OLNH WKH\ GHVLJQHG WKH OD\RXW VSHFL¿FDOO\ IRU SRUQRJUDSK\ gazing. When entering the lab, move to the back of the room and choose one of the two computers in the last row. You’ll notice

that the monitors are facing back against the wall, making it impossible for anyone else in the room to see what you are looking at onscreen. If someone is using one of them, simply sit next to WKHP DQG SDWLHQWO\ ZDLW IRU WKHP WR ÂżQLVK ZKDW WKH\ DUH ZRUNing on. It may take a while, but you can speed up the process by

giving them awkward glances and noticeably eyeing everything they are looking up online. Soon enough they’ll be so creeped out that they’ll either move to another computer or more likely another lab altogether. Now is your moment to shine. Masturbation Process First some tips on attire: for safety purposes, don’t wear a belt. Belts are loud and awkward to remove, heightening your chances of being discovered by some suspicious gawker. If possible, try and wear shorts (or better yet basketball shorts) to make

it easier to maneuver your hands inside the crotch region. Obviously you cannot fully remove your pants in case you get caught, VR WKH PRUH ÀH[LEOH WKH IDEULF WKH EHWWHU , ZRXOGQœW UHFRPPHQG wearing jeans, especially those ultra tight jeans that are so fashionable among young males these days, as it makes maneuvering your erections nigh impossible. However, this may not be D SUREOHP IRU WKH WLJKW MHDQV EULJDGH VLQFH D UHFHQW VFLHQWL¿F study has theorized an equation claiming that the tightness of one’s jeans multiplied by the size of one’s penis equals a constant. However, this is only a theory and demands further data, at least according to The New Yorker. Before you can begin, always take this precaution: plug in your headphones and play a song from YouTube. Take off your headphones and determine if the song playing is still audible. If it is, you have to lower the volume. Obviously you don’t want other students hearing faint moaning sounds coming from your ear buds while you’re doing your business. Once the sound is at a muted volume to outside ears, you can begin. When stroking, keep your pace as slow as possible. While no one can see what you are watching, students may be able to notice the rocking of your arm back and forth while pleasuring yourself. This will be a dead giveaway. If you happen to be a manic masturbator, try to see this deliberate pacing as a way to elongate the process. And believe me, these smoother motions will enhance your future partner’s pleasure next time you have sex. Most girls don’t like immediate rapid in-out, in-out thrusting followed by ejaculation three minutes later, Unless you’re Meg White of course. Clean Up The clean up process is perhaps the most important part of this entire enterprise. There are multiple ways to deal with your copious amounts of semen without leaving an embarrassing stain on your trousers. The technique I use is to stuff a load of napkins into your shorts before entering the lab. Napkins can be found in the Oakes cafÊ below the computer lab. Not only does this soak up the spunk, but the bunched up napkins provide you with a bitching bulge in your pants that you can proudly show off all over campus. If the napkins don’t sound like your cup of tea and you prefer to live dangerously, there’s always the option to quickly pull out your penis and spray into the back of the desk or the carpet beneath you. No one will notice. Just be sure not to squirt your seed onto the tennis shoes of the person sitting at the computer across from you, as I once did one fateful Friday afternoon. And there you have it, faithful readers. Be sure to follow the rules and I guarantee you hours upon hours of secure masturbatory bliss. And if you see me around campus feel free to thank me for the advice. I’ll gladly shake your hand and inform you of other secret locations on school ground where you can indulge in your exhibitionist fetishes. Just be sure not to shake my hand if you see me coming out of the Oakes computer lab.

19

Keep Santa Cruz Berkeley

Girls Against Dome Cockblock UCSC Dudes by Christina Booth

How many times do you think you’ve had oral sex? Lets be KRQHVW IRU D VHFRQG KHUH ,ÂśP QRW JRLQJ WR MXGJH \RX 0D\EH \RX JDYH LW RQFH FKRNHG DQG QHYHU GLG LW DJDLQ 0D\EH \RXÂśYH MXVW received it because you are a chauvinistic pig and won’t return the IDYRU WROG \RX , ZRXOGQÂśW MXGJH 0D\EH VRPH RI \RX KDYH QHYHU KDG LW ,ÂśP VRUU\ ,ÂśG DVVXPH DURXQG RI PDOHV DQG RI IHPDOHV KDYH JRQH WR WKLUG EDVH E\ WKH WLPH WKH\ KLW %DG VH[XDO H[SHULHQFHV FDQ KDSSHQ WR DQ\RQH ZKHWKHU LW EH with a long term partner who wants to try something new or with D RQH QLJKW VWDQG ZKR FDQÂśW VHHP WR JHW LW XS ,WÂśV XVXDOO\ WKHVH awkward and horrible moments that are branded into our memories, leading us to forget the better times with multiple orgasms and multiple partners and only remember the worst with strap on GLOGRV SRVLWLRQHG RQ WKH WRS RI RQHÂśV KHDG WR ORRN OLNH D XQLFRUQ GAD, Girls Against Dome, is based off the idea that females who perform oral sex on males are repressed and unenthusiastic SDUWLFLSDQWV *$' KDV JDLQHG QRWRULHW\ DPRQJ 8&6& VWXGHQWV as more and more hook ups are skipping third and sliding from VHFRQG LQWR KRPH Today, many members say the GAD group has put the “fun back in hooking upâ€? now that the pressures to commit and submit DUH RII 7R GDWH WKH JURXS FODLPV WR KDYH RYHU PHPEHUV DFURVV VHYHUDO FROOHJH FDPSXVHV ZLWK PRUH MRLQLQJ GDLO\ 8QIRUtunately, most GAD members refused to allow their names to be printed for fear that their sex lives would suffer, but the GAD girls did say they have no trouble declaring their membership in WKH JURXS ZKHQ WKH WLPH FRPHV Âł<RX HYHU EHHQ IDFH IXFNHG" :HOO , ZDV RQFH DQG LWÂśV DEXVH VH[XDO DEXVH , FRXOGQÂśW IHHO WKH EDFN RI P\ WKURDW IRU ZHHNV DQG ZKHQ KH ÂżQDOO\ GLG FXP KH ZDV VR IDU GRZQ P\ WKURDW LW HQGHG XS FRPLQJ RXW P\ QRVH ´ 2WKHU PHPEHUV VDLG WKH\ MXVW KDWHG WKH DFWXDO DFW DQG IRXQG QR SOHDVXUH LQ SOHDVLQJ WKHLU SDUWQHU Âł, KDWH

the taste of cum, I think it WDVWHV GLVJXVWLQJ ,W WDVWHV OLNH warm dough, salty and peanut buttery, and guy’s balls smell really bad because they don’t shower enough and their balls smell like doughy peanut butter� Yet, nothing scares the GAD girls more than the prospect of hooking up with DQRWKHU JLUO GAD recently has fallen into some intense speculation due to claims that the devotees are not as devoted as they SUHWHQG WR EH KDYH ³, NQRZ for a fact that several of the girls in the highest positions at GAD are not as committed to the cause as they claim,� said one UCSC student who recently hooked up with a founding GAD member at a SDUW\ According to one of the more widely known promiscuous students around campus, blow jobs will never die entirely beFDXVH WKHUH DUH VWLOO SOHQW\ RI IHPDOHV RXW WKHUH ZKR ¿QG JLYLQJ D EORZ MRE D GRPLQDQW PRYH 7KRVH ZKR JLYH EORZ MREV DSSDUHQWO\ have the ability to control the receivers pleasure and this gives WKHP SRZHU Some males on campus felt the need to compete with the creation of a feminist group, and the retaliation occurred in the for-

mation of GA*$' *X\V $JDLQVW *LUOV $JDLQVW 'RPH 6R IDU WKRXJK WKH RQO\ actions they have taken against GAD is threatening to hook up with hotter and younger freshman who have stated that “(they) ZLOO GR DQ\WKLQJ IRU D ERWWOH RI 9RGND RI WKH *RGV ´ So as the battle of the sexes for sex continues on the UCSC campus the question still remains: where is the best place to get a blow job these days if the girls won’t put out?

Whore-oscopes: How are you getting fucked this month? by Katie Butler Aries

(Mar 21 - April 19): Like a typical ram, you may have assumed that when your girlfriend said she “likes it roughâ€? it meant that she enjoys internal bleedLQJ DQG DQDO ÂżVVXUHV %XW EH wary: the stars say your luck has reached its end, and slamming the salami could lead to a bent baJXHWWH

Taurus

(April 20 - May 20): A slippery encounter with 3 members of the Mens’ Volleyball team in the East Field House locker room has left you suspicious, and Venus’ moons FRQ¿UP WKDW \HV \RXœUH JD\ Lucky Dates: Feb 26th 8&6& 0HQœV 9% YV +RO\ 1DPHV Go slugs!

Gemini (May 21 - June 21):

February promises to be cold, and so GRHV \RXU VLJQL¿FDQW RWKHU $ULG vaginal conditions will leave \RX À\LQJ VROR WKLV PRQWK but be careful when you’re jackin’ the bean stock and inYHVW LQ VRPH /XEULGHUP You don’t want to warm the bench spring season because of chaffed equipment

Cancer (June 22 - July 22):

A recent trip south of the border will leave \RX ZLWK VRPH XQH[SHFWHG JXHVWV %UHDN RXW WKH EXWWHU OHPRQ DQG DQWL parricidal shampoo; crab is on the menu tonight (and we don’t mean Dungeness!) /XFN\ 1XPEHUV <RXU SK\VLFLDQœV

Leo 22):

(July 23 - Aug.

Hurry Leos! Time is running out to bag WKDW KRW 7 $ ZKRVH SHnis outline is always tantalizingly visible in his pleated khakis, who looks like a hair puller and makes Plato sound like James Earl Jones reading erotica‌ or whoever‌ Make your move the 2nd week of February, when grad students are looking to hump their way out from under all of those midWHUP SDSHUV

Virgo (Aug. 23 - Sept. 22): Too many one night stands have left you feeling a OLWWOH ELW ÀDSS\ DQG FDYHUQRXV LQ the nether regions; become a born again virgin and splurge for a hymen restoration SURFHGXUH 7KHUHœV QRWKLQJ OLNH D PHVV\ SDLQIXO GH ÀRZHULQJ WR PDNH \RX IHHO \RXQJ DJDLQ WKLV ZLQWHU

Libra

(Sept. 23 - Oct. 23): Stop scouring Craigslist for the perfect big-tittied-down-for-anal-butdiscreet honey and build your own - invest a couple grand in a RealDoll because things are looking bleak until October, when Mercury will take pity on you and throw a blacked out co-worker or cousin your way‌

Scorpio (Oct. 24 - Nov. 21): Your boredom with your sloppy narcoleptic partner will lead you right into someone HOVHÂśV VZHDW\ VWLQN\ IXWRQ WKLV PRQWK Make the best of it, and steal pharmaceuticals while you pretend to urinate SRVW FRLWXV :LWK DQ\ OXFN \RXU SDUWQHU ZLOO QHYHU ÂżQG RXW DQG \RXÂśOO KDYH DPELHQ VH[ WR ORRN IRUZDUG WR

Sagittarius

(Nov. 22 - Dec.21): Lately you appear to be putting the “sagâ€? back Sagittarius, and yes, I’m talking about your balls and their respective sack ,QYHVW LQ VRPH ÂżUPLQJ -HUJHQV EHIRUH you can throw them over your shoulder OLNH D FRQWLQHQWDO VROGLHU /XFN\ 'DWHV 1RQH <RX ZRQÂśW JHW OXFN\ RQ DQ\ GDWH LI \RXU QXWV NHHS FXWWLQJ LQ

Capricorn

(Dec. 22 - Jan. 19): Stock up on that morning after pill Capricorn! :KHQ -XSLWHU DQG 6DWXUQ DOLJQ LW ZLOO OHDYH you wondering where the other half of that FRQGRP ZHQW Lucky numbers: Planned Parenthood 1- 831-426-5550

Aquarius

(Jan. 20 - Feb. 18): The moon is not in your house Aquarius; don’t be surprised to awake to the sweet smell of patchouli and a sloppy set of dreads after WUROOLQJ WKH $VWL 8VH \RXU ZDWHU VLJQ WR \RXU advantage and utilize the shower quickie to wash away your shame as you slip and slide your way into slightly-lessgrimy sexual satisfaction, but don’t be surprised if your lover pees afterZDUG

Pisces

(Feb. 19 - March 20): Sexual encounters are few and far between this month, and things are getting a OLWWOH ÂżVK\ IRU WKLV ZDWHU VLJQ .HHS neglecting your vaginal hygiene and you may get season passes to the 0RQWHUH\ %D\ $TXDULXP IRU 9DOHQWLQHÂśV 'D\ /XFN\ 1XPEHUV $Q\ VDORQ WKDW GRHV ZD[LQJÂŤ 6HULRXVO\ *R

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

20

Volume 21, Issue 3, Gonzo Forever.

Don’t Cry For Me, Safeway

by Matt Lutsky Hi there. Yes, up here. I know that we’ve never met before, and we’re in two separate lines at the new Safeway, but I’d like to speak with you if you have a moment. ,W PLJKW EH D OLWWOH GLI¿FXOW WR FRQFHQWUDWH with what is going on right now, I understand. If this were new to me too, I’d probably EH MXVW DV FRQVXPHG DV \RX DUH WKRXJK IRU entirely different reasons. Yes, that is my son. His name is Tommy, and he just turned 7. And yes, that is my older son, Trevor. We just got him a video phone for Christmas. And yes, Tommy is doing a full on Tina Turner routine. And yes, Trevor LV ¿OPLQJ LW %XW QR , DP QRW DVKDPHG :KHQ , ¿UVW IRXQG RXW WKDW P\ ZLIH ZDV SUHJQDQW ZLWK RXU ¿UVW FKLOG , FDOOHG P\ SDUHQWV WR VKDUH WKH QHZV 0D\ \RXU ¿UVW FKLOG EH D PDVFXOLQH FKLOG WKH\ VDLG $QG KH was. And when my wife was pregnant with RXU VHFRQG , GLG WKH VDPH 0D\ \RXU VHFRQG FKLOG EH JHQGHU FRQIXVHG WKH\ MRNHG $QG KH was. ,W ZDV KDUG DW ¿UVW 2XU SHGLDWULFLDQ VDLG it was just a phase. And she was right, it was. It started with phase 1, the Madonna years 7RPP\ ZRXOG SUDQFH DURXQG the house in my wife’s bras, speaking with a %ULWLVK DFFHQW GHPDQGLQJ WKLQJV )RU D IHZ ZHHNV KH LQVLVWHG ZH NHHS PRUH EODFN PHQ DURXQG WKH KRXVH /DVW \HDU LW ZDV %ULWQH\ ELWFK 3KDVH ZDV URXJK RQ PH ,W VHHPHG DV LI WKHUH ZDV QRWKLQJ , FRXOG do. I tried spanking him, but that only led WR WKH %HHV DQG WKH %HHV WDON \HDUV HDUOLHU WKDQ DQWLFLSDWHG DQG WKH EHJLQQLQJ RI SKDVH 7KH 7LQD 7XUQHU \HDUV " 7RPP\œV Christmas list was limited to one item: pumps. I don’t know when phase 3 will end, but I do know that Lady Gaga will be next. Maybe WKDWœV D VWHS LQ WKH ULJKW GLUHFWLRQ $W OHDVW VKH KDG D GLFN $QG VR QRZ ZHœUH KHUH <RX ZDWFKLQJ 7RPP\œV KLSV FDSWXUH WKH HVVHQFH RI WKH PRPHQW IURP WKH 6DQGZLFK OLQH 0H ZDWFKLQJ my only sons put on their own little minstrel VKRZ LQ $LVOH DV , ZDLW IRU P\ FRIIHH I’ve seen guys like you before, bemusedly ZDWFKLQJ 7RPP\ IURP DIDU <RX WH[W \RXU IULHQGV DQG WU\ WR VQHDN D SLFWXUH ZKHQ QR RQHV ZDWFKLQJ <RX VQLFNHU DQG SRLQW DW the deli, in the bank, on the jumbotron at the baseball game. Time and time again, it’s always the same. You’re always the same. %XW \RXœYH QHYHU VHHQ DQ\RQH OLNH 7RPP\ 7RPP\ LV VSHFLDO 7RPP\ RZQV LW 7RPP\ PDNHV WKH FKLSV DQG VQDFNV DLVOH KLV ELWFK 7RPP\ GDQFHV DV LI QR RQH ZDV ZDWFKLQJ HYHQ WKRXJK HYHU\RQH DOZD\V LV You look at me as a broken, defeated man, ZDLWLQJ IRU PH WR PDNH H\H FRQWDFW IRU MXVW D EULHI EULHI PRPHQW LQ ZKLFK P\ H\HV VD\ LW DOO 7KH SRZHUOHVV JODQFH RI WKH IDWKHU RI D ¿HUFH OLWWOH ER\ 7KH ¿GJHWLQJ VWDQFH RI WKH PDQ ZKR ZLOO ORYH WKDW FKLOG WKURXJK VLFNQHVV DQG JOLWWHU %XW QRW WKLV WLPH 7RGD\ I stand strong. I am not ashamed. In line at Safeway - m4m - 8 I was in line behind you at Safeway on Mission at around 10:30am. You were the cute blonde with your brother. I was the thirdgrader giving you eyes. I noticed you a few times and was happy when I found myself behind you in line. You are such a sexy dancer. Are you into older boys? Lets pitch a tent with our Lincoln Logs ;). -N.

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

FDA Considers Illegalizing Blow Job Trees by Ryan Zim

:$6+,1*721²$FNQRZOHGJLQJ WKDW EORZ MRE WUHHV KDYH EHHQ D WRSLF RI PXFK FRQWURYHUV\ LQ WKH 86 WKH )'$ DQQRXQFHG 7XHVGD\ PRUQLQJ WKDW SURFHHGLQJV WR QDWLRQDOO\ EDQ WKH IUXLW WUHH ZHUH WDNLQJ SODFH “As a nation we are tired of the turmoil these EORZ MRE WUHHV KDYH FUHDWHG ´ VDLG -HUHP\ %HQWKDP KHDG RI WKH )'$ Âł7KH WUHHV KDYH GRQH WRR PXFK GDPDJH WKH\ÂśYH SHUYHUWHG $UERU Day, broken up marriages, bankrupted the sex industry and are now responsible for nuPHURXV 67'V ´ The spreading of STDs throug.

XQSURWHFWHG XVH RI WKH %- WUHH LV RQO\ SDUW RI WKH SUREOHP DFFRUGLQJ WR -DFN 6KHSSDUG ZKR ORVW KLV HQWLUH IDPLO\ WR %- WUHH DGGLFWLRQ Âł7KH\ÂśUH DGGLFWLQJ KROPHV IRU UHDO WKRXJK , VSHQG DOO P\ GD\V LQ WKH EDFN\DUG ZLWK P\ SDQWV RII²P\ ZLIHÂśV DOO IDW DV IXFN ZKDW DP , supposed to do, it’s a hottie on a vine bro, and her only purpose is to tongue bathe the family jewels. Damn sonny boy, I’m just stellar stoked WKDW , JRW WKDW GXGH -HVXV ZDWFKLQJ RYHU P\ VKLW ´ While Sheppard looks to God for strength, WKH &DWKROLF FKXUFK LWVHOI LV WDQJOHG LQ LWV RZQ %- WUHH FRQWURYHUVLHV 3RSH %HQHGLFW UHFHQWO\ FRPPLWWHG VXLFLGH DIWHU LW ZDV H[SRVHG WKDW KH KDG EHHQ UHFHLYLQJ IHOODWLR IURP XQULSH %- WUHH IUXLW $V PDQ\ DUH DZDUH EHIRUH WKH LQFUHGLEO\ human like fruit heads ripen into adults, they go through D SHULRG ZKHUH WKH IDFH UHsembles that of a sexually SUHFRFLRXV FKLOG 0DQ\ RUJDQL]DWLRQV KDYH FLWHG WKLV DV a huge reason for the fruit to be banned. Some religious individuals DUH SURSRQHQWV RI WKH %- WUHH HVSHFLDOO\ 'DQ (VSLQR]D RU DV KH SUHIHUV WR EH FDOOHG Âł3LPS 0DQ 'DQ´ +LV SULYDWH EDFN\DUG %- WUHH grew a fruit head with an extraordiQDU\ UHVHPEODQFH WR WKH 9LUJLQ 0DU\ KH FKDUJHV WZHQW\ GROODUV IRU D JODQFH DW WKH fruit and four hundred for a ten minute session alone with it. Âł+HOO \HDK ELWFK SHRSOH EH VWUDLJKW FRPLQJ DOO RYHU WKH FRXQWU\ WR VHH P\ KRW DVV 0DU\ %LWFKHV EH IXFNLQJ ZLOG DERXW LW WRR ZKR GRQÂśW ZDQQD JHW GRPH IURP WKH 9LUJLQ 0DU\ EDE\ \D IHHO" 6KLW WKLV DLQÂśW QR JULOOHG FKHHVH KXVWOH ,ÂśP running, this be divine blow jobs baby, and you NQRZ , PDNH HYHU\RQH ZHDU D UXEEHU VDIHW\ ÂżUVW NLGV 3OXV \RX NQRZ , EH EUXVKLQJ KHU WHHWK DOO JHQWOH OLNH DIWHU HDFK ORDG²VKLW ´ 3LPS 0DQ 'DQ KDV UHFHQWO\ EHHQ GHDOLQJ ZLWK WKH IROORZHUV RI )UHG 3KHOSV D FRQWURYHU-

VLDO UHOLJLRXV JURXS ZKR SLFNHWV DQ\ HVWDEOLVKPHQW %- WUHHV DUH JURZQ RU VROG DW D FRPPRQ SLFNHW VLJQ WKH\ KROG UHDGV Âł*RG +DWHV 7UHH )XFNHUV´ 3KHOSVÂś JURXS LV DOVR VXVSHFWHG RI EXUQLQJ D ÂżHOG RI %- WUHHV GRZQ RQ %HQ /LQXVÂśV IDUP \HDU ROG /LQXV D WRS FRPPHUFLDO %- WUHH grower had this to say as he was interviewed in his Kansas home Tuesday, “Well shit motha IXFNHU PRQH\ PD\ QRW JURZ RQ WUHHV KHFN QDK but blow jobs, now there’s something that sure DV KHOO GRHV <D IHHO"´ Inside Linus’s home his walls are adorned ZLWK QXPHURXV WD[LGHUPLHG %- IUXLW KHDGV Âł2K IXFN \HDK ERQHU ER\ WKLV LV WKH ORYHO\ -XOLHW VKH ÂżQH DV IXFN , JHW P\ IDYRULWH JLUOV DQG SUHVHUYH ÂľHP \D NQRZ VLQFH WKH\ JHW DOO old and tore up. Who wants to pump their beef loaf into something that looks like grandma, ULJKW" :H JRW D ZKROH JULS RI WKH ROGHU PRGHOV RI %- IUXLW WKRXJK IRU WKH IUHDNV EXW ,ÂśG EH all like, ‘Dee-yammmm! That skunk is busted EORRG ϫ /LQXV LV FRQÂżGHQW WKDW WKH QHZ SURSRVDO WR EDQ %- WUHHV ZLOO IDLO Âł6KRRW VRRQ HYHU\ KRXVH LQ $PHULFD ZLOO KDYH D %- WUHH LQ LW WKHQ HYHU\ FKXUFK ZLOO UHDOL]H WKDW 0RVHV KLPVHOI WDONHG WR D EXUQLQJ %- WUHH VKLW JURXSV OLNH 0RWKHUÂśV $JDLQVW %ORZ -RE 7UHHV FDQ JR EORZ WKHPVHOYHV ´ /LQXV LV ZRUNLQJ KDUG WR FRPPHUFLDOL]H WKH fruit tree, earlier this week it was revealed that KLV FRPSDQ\ ZLOO EH UHOHDVLQJ JHQHWLFDOO\ HQJLQHHUHG %- WUHH IUXLW ZKLFK UHVHPEOH FHOHEULWLHV KLVWRULFDO ÂżJXUHV DQG GHLWLHV Âł$KKKK \HDKKK VXFND ZH EH KDYLQJ %UDG 3LWW %- IUXLW WKDW ,QGLDQ HOHSKDQW JRG %DUDFN 2EDPD $GROI +LWOHU 0DUWKD 6WXDUW -RKQ 6WXDUW 0LOO \RX QDPH LW FX] 7KH\ FRPH LQ WRRWKOHVV breeds also, oh snap! It’s just like water melons H[FHSW WKH IUXLW MXLFHV \RX EUR KDKDKDKDKD ´ /DZ PDNHUV ZLOO GHFLGH RQ WKH IDWH RI %- WUHHV :HGQHVGD\ EXW DOUHDG\ PDQ\ DGYRFDWHV DUH EX\LQJ DV PDQ\ %- WUHHV DV WKH\ FDQ ,I WKH )'$ÂśV SODQV WR EDQ EHFRPH OHJLVODWLRQ LW ZLOO be the end of blow jobs growing on trees.

How To Extort Money From Your Grandparents by Shane Frykholm

$IWHU IRXU \HDUV RI FROOHJH ZKHQ LW FRPHV WLPH WR JUDGXDWH FKDQFHV DUH \RX ZRQÂśW KDYH PXFK PRQH\ 1DWXUDOO\ DIWHU H[SHULHQFLQJ WKH OX[XULHV DQG JHQHUDO ODFN RI UHVSRQVLELOLW\ RI FROOHJLDWH OLIH ZK\ ZRXOG DQ\RQH ZDQW WR JLYH XS )DPLO\ *X\ DQG SRW IRU D WR MRE MXVW WR SD\ WKH ELOOV" Rather than give up beer pong and babes IRU D VXLW DQG WLH FRUSRUDWH OLIHVW\OH KRZ DERXW obtaining a sponsor. I’m not talking about a VNDWHERDUG FRPSDQ\ 5HG %XOO RU \RXU SDUHQWV ,ÂśP WDONLQJ DERXW ZKHUH PRQH\ FRPHV IURP grandparents. :KHQ \RXÂśUH ROG OLIH VWDUWV WR VXFN $OO \RXU IULHQGV GLH \RXU KHDOWK JRHV WR VKLW \RX FDQÂśW remember things or take baths on your own and generally, people value your opinion less. ,WÂśV OLNH EHLQJ D EDE\ DJDLQ H[FHSW \RX KDYH WR FKDQJH \RXU RZQ GLDSHU 7KH RQO\ UHSULHYH old people have is that they have lots of money IURP JRLQJ WR ZDU ZD\ EDFN ZKHQ ZRUNLQJ IRU a hella long time, or doubling up at bingo. The problem is, they have nothing to spend all this $$$ on. It’s not like old people know how to use WKH LQWHUQHW 7KLV LV ZKHUH \RX FRPH LQ %HIULHQG D JUDQGSD DQG \RX FRXOG EH ZHOO RQ \RXU ZD\ WR getting paid. Âł2N VR P\ JUDQGSDUHQWV DUH ULFK EXW ZK\ VKRXOG WKH\ JLYH 0( DQ\ PRQH\"´ Ever play with a puppy at your friend’s

KRXVH" 1RW RQO\ DUH SXSSLHV FXWH DQG FXGGO\ but they’re the best when they’re not your probOHP ,I WKH SXSS\ VKLWV RQ \RXU IULHQGœV FRXFK \RX FRXOG FDUH OHVV EHFDXVH \RX GRQœW KDYH WR deal with it. This is how your grandparents feel about you. They get to brag about you without GHDOLQJ ZLWK ZLWK \RX ZKHQ \RX IXFN XS Despite being smelly and senile, old people generally remember the people that try to take FDUH RI WKHP EHIRUH WKH\ JR 7KH\ NQRZ WKH\œUH getting forgetful in their old age, so they write GRZQ LQ GRFXPHQWV FDOOHG ZLOOV +HUH DUH VRPH easy ways into grandpa’s wallet/will: 6HQG D FDUG UHPHPEHU WKH\ H[LVW $ ELUWKGD\ JHW ZHOO RU WKDQN \RX FDUG JRHV D ORQJ ZD\ , FRQVLGHU WKHVH HTXLW\ LQWR P\ LQKHULWDQFH 7KH PRUH , VHQG RII WKH IDWWHU WKH SD\GD\ ZLOO EH ZKHQ JUDQQ\ NLFNV WKH EXFNHW 2)The dreaded spongebath: It’s a dirty job, but somebody’s got to do it. 3)Listen to their stories. 2OG SHRSOHœV IDYRULWH WRSLF DOZD\V VHHPV WR be to ramble on aimlessly at the shit they did when they were young. Try not to fall asleep. ,PDJLQH D ZRUOG ZLWK QR FDEOH LQWHUQHW SRUQ DQG LQ VRPH FDVHV ZHHG" *UDQGSDUHQWV FRPH from a time I like to refer to as The Dark Ages. /LIH VXFNHG DVV EDFN WKHQ DQG ER\ DUH WKH\ DFKLQJ WR WHOO VRPHRQH -XVW VLW EDFN DQG WKLQN DERXW DOO WKH FRRO VKLW \RXœUH JRQQD EX\

This page looks really great when you set it on fire.

THE FISH RAP LIVE! PRESENTS: JARED ROSEN’S BOOK CLUB

Call of Cthulhu and Other Weird Stories H.P. Lovecraft A lot of people don’t really take into account just how big the universe is. Sure, some occasionally get overly romantic DQG ZLVWIXOO\ SRQWLÂżFDWH on “the meaning of it all,â€? while others just get blown on acid and party on mars for six or seven hours. Lovecraft took a decidedly less positive stance on the matter, and wrote a number of pulp horror stories based on what he assumed would be a far more likely conclusion: that whatever was out there was alive, and was fucking pissed. This collection of Lovecraft’s shorts contains some of his most recognizable work. Call of Cthulhu alone has seemingly infected every VFL Âż DQG KRUURU WURSH RI WKH ODVW WZHQW\ \HDUV and directly led to the $85 plastic statue I bought while drunk and $85 drop fee to keep my car from getting towed, which I parked while drunk (thanks for the food money, mom!). The Shadow Over Innsmouth and the Colour from Space are also incredible in their own right, with fantastic imagery that actually invokes a subtle, creeping horror in the reader. The real meat of the work, however, lies in the deliciously awful subtext. Lovecraft has a bad habit of rambling on about things that no man should see. Expect about three to four paragraphs describing how indescribable something is when anything interesting pops up. Added to that, all of his charac-

ters seem to be suffering simultaneously from severe narcolepsy and post-traumatic stress disorder, as the largely ancillary cast will pass out and/or go crazy every other page. Yet despite WKHVH Ă€DZV WKH ZRUN WHQGV WR URXQG LWVHOI RXW except for the subtly infused racism and sexism. Anybody that isn’t white basically comes off as an ignorant inbred carny that lives in a hut made of shit, while women barely appear at all save for the occasional spinster librarian. When a ÂżQH ODG\ GRHV VKRZ XS LWÂśV D JRRG EHW VKHÂśV KDOI eldritch abomination. Lovecraft also seems to fully embrace eugenics, mentioning the ‘lesser, simple folk’ often and going so far as to write an entire story about how a guy discovers that his great grandmother is a gorilla, sets himself on ÂżUH DQG GLHV 1LFH RQH + While I can understand how some of the touchy feelies here in Santa Cruz might hate the idea of reading such uncivilized racefoolery, the stories themselves are excellent and worth your time. Just be prepared to- my god! What is that LQVLGLRXV VRXQG" 1R , FDQ VHH LWV KDQG 7KH terrible, scaly hand! Quickly, the window! The window! 9 out of 10 Halo: The Fall of Reach Eric Nylund One bright May afternoon in 2009 I decided to pick up a discounted copy of a video game book instead of meet the girl of my dreams, change my life for the better, or de-

velop as a human being. The Fall of Reach, being a whopping six dollars, attracted my cheap -HZ VHQVLELOLWLHV WKH PRVW $IWHU ÂżYH KRXUV , ZDV GRQH ZLWK WKH SDJHV RI EXEEOHJXP VFL Âż and a profoundly disturbing insight crept into my head. “Master Chief is a ginger.â€? 7KLV +DOR ERRN LV DSSDUHQWO\ SDUW RI D WULORgy based on the Xbox games of the same name. 1RZ \RX PLJKW EH WKLQNLQJ Âł$ VHULHV RI ERRNV based on a game where shit talking nine year olds teabag my face? Sign me up!â€? But alas, dear reader, you would be making a terrible PLVWDNH )RU ZLWKLQ WKH ÂżUVW WHQ SDJHV \RX ZLOO make the uncomfortable discovery that Master Chief is really a ginger. That’s right, the indomLWDEOH EDGDVV RI WKH +DOR XQLYHUVH D IUHFNOHG VRXOOHVV DERPLQDWLRQ VHQW IURP WKH ÂżUHV RI KHOO to overthrow mankind. I was shocked too. Why is Master Chief a ginger? Which greater king of hell sent him on his quest to destroy WKH UHDOP RI PHQ" ,V KH WKH DQWLFKULVW" 1RQH RI these questions will be answered by Halo: Fall of Reach ,QVWHDG \RXÂśOO OHDUQ DERXW +DUYHVW DQG the other Spartans and a ton of other bullshit nobody cares about. I mean seriously. Who cares about that? There’s a ginger in the military! I don’t know what kind of operation the Earth military is running is this Orwellian dystopia, but gingers cannot be trusted with guns and tanks. They will fuse with them and turn into super gingers, ungodly bastardizations of ginger and machine. Actually, now that I think about it, Master Chief was the only ginger in the whole book. And by the end, 90% of the other FKDUDFWHUV DUH GHDG +RO\ VKLW 0DVWHU &KLHI

21

LV ZRUNLQJ ZLWK WKH &RYHQDQW +HœV D JLQJHU alien. Master Chief is a ginger alien. Gingers are aliens. 4 out of 10. Sex on Campus Issue City on a Hill Press Vol. 43 Issue 15 I have a very reliable source that tells me there’s something called sex happening on campus. Sex? On MY camSXV" +RO\ VKLW PDQ +RO\ VKLW First of all, my source is CHP. They’re pretty legit, right? CHP knows about sex. I bet it’s having some right now. CHP is probably having so much sex. A literal whirlwind of sexy sex. SEX. Bam! Right there on the front. That’ll sell so many issues. They get paid for this, right? I IRXQG WKLV FRS\ RQ D WRLOHW 1RW WKH GLUW\ SDUW Like, the top part. I’m a virgin. Scratch that, double virgin. Triple virgin. I cut my penis off so I could never QRW EH D YLUJLQ 1HYHU QRW ,V WKDW JUDPPDWLcally accurate? Is that like a onomatopoeia or something? Or a metaphor? A double metaphor. Triple metaphor. I cut my metaphor off at a young age so I could never not be grammatically accurate. What was I talking about? CHP? Sex on campus? It’s happening. Everywhere. It’s like Ebola. Everyone bleeding through their eyes and ears. Awesome, man. Thanks, CHP, for teaching me about sex. And that it happens on campus. I didn’t read the article. Cool cover though. I like the sex part. I give it a 6 out of 9.

Job Fair Has The Best Snacks by Toni Pecchia

I’m only a little embarrassed to admit that I expected to make a few connections and maybe even get lucky at last Thursday’s job and internship mixer. It sounded so promising, advertising the presence of the likes of Driscoll’s Berry Farm, Enterprise Rent-a-Car, and even Target! %XW DIWHU SULQWLQJ RXW ÂżYH FRSLHV RI P\ UHsume and getting all dolled up in my businesscasual attire, I arrived at the event and knew I was seriously screwed. First of all, I was the only one wearing jeans. I thought that was the “casualâ€? part of “business-casual,â€? but apparently that’s what Tiffany earrings are for. Since I didn’t have any of those either, I already felt incredibly uncool and out of place. Thank God there was the snack table, cleverly placed right in the center of the room, just waiting for nervous, out-of-place people like me to gnash their teeth on oats n’ honey granola bars. It reminded me of one of those house parties where I know one person and for some reason think it’s a good idea to go with them and mingle awkwardly with their really hip friends. That’s why there should always be a keg available: like the snack table, it’s strategically placed for uncomfortable people like me to temporarily occupy themselves and maybe even meet someone else who doesn’t know anyone DQG KDYH D ÂżYH PLQXWH FRQYHUVDWLRQ ZLWK WKHP Oh, and the alcohol thing always helps too. Luckily, there were the cutest mini water bottles to wash the granola pieces and berry seeds (Thanks, Driscoll’s) out of your teeth before waiting in line for your two-minute (tops) interview with Enterprise. I took those water bottles as a sign from the gods that I was put here for a reason, so I went and got in the long line at the 'ULVFROOÂśV WDEOH :KHQ , ÂżQDOO\ JRW WR WKH IURQW

the lady was really nice to me, but she explained that she mostly dealt with environmental studies majors and I should go get in the other long line and talk to her co-worker. I appreciated her kind implication that she was out of my league. In the other line, a girl with a really thick accent asked me a question, and since I’m terrible with accents I asked to see her resume. She seemed reluctant, and must have thought I was going to sabotage her in some way, but she ¿QDOO\ OHW PH VQHDN D VHFRQG ORQJ SHHN EHIRUH pulling it away, leaving us to stand in silence before the interview. Since attractive Latina women are my greatest weakness, I was very nervous to talk to the interviewer, and it must have been my nervousness that caused it not to go so well. She said they would contact me if WKHUH ZHUH DQ\ RSHQLQJV WKDW ¿W PH DQG DIWHU she bid me farewell, I asked her for a business card, which she gave to me (She offered one to everyone else without having to be asked). Since I know rejection when I see it, I tried my luck over at Enterprise. The interviewer guy was a lot nicer and seemed like he wanted my nuts. I thought maybe I could get a promising rental car job using only my feminine wiles, but then he mentioned his wife and I knew it ZDV D QR JR ,W ZDV YHU\ GLVDSSRLQWLQJ WR ¿QG that Target hadn’t even shown up, because they were the ones I was looking forward to talking to the most, since I have always wanted to spend more money driving to and from Watsonville three times a week than I would actually make by working. So I grabbed a granola bar IRU WKH URDG DQG ¿OOHG RXW D FRPPHQW FDUG ,W went something like this: What suggestions do you have to improve WKLV HYHQW" 1RQH 7KH IRRG ZDV JUHDW

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

Warning: The Fish Rap Live is a High-Speed Roller-Coaster Type Ride, Not Advised For Persons With Heart Conditions

22

Buy Shit

Your iPod is Obsolete

We swear to God that this thing is going to change your entire fucking life. Give us your money.

Hate Yourself Apple is Lord

Vasectomies by Apple

Update Quicktime already

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Watch us buttlove our own company for 25 PLQXWHV Ή

- Get robbed by minorities - Annoy people on airplanes - Sit outside cafe Perg and look cultured - Keep track of your Pokemon badges - Shield for combat - One guy, one pad watching two girls, one cup - NOT send $500 to Haiti - Upskirt shots - 10x zoom on Lady Gaga crotch shots - Take pictures of poor people - Inspire terrorists - POV golden showers on Chatroulette

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- Wait for iPad nano

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The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

23

by David Dines

MARK YUDOF IS NOW FRIENDS WITH THE FISH RAP LIVE!

Fish Rap Live: Stays Crunchy, Even In Milk

World Community Agrees:

Msabu is Pretty Classy

by Evan Drakes Leaders of the world community converged upon Msabu’s home last Thursday amid both speculation and unquestionable evidence of crimes against humanity. President Obama condemned the dictator in a press conference held on the Tuesday prior to his lengthy trip, saying, “This man and his actions are of the utmost concern to this administration and to the world community as a whole, and as such, we are hoping to resolve these issues as quickly as possible and with military intervention if necessary.” These feelings of animosity seemingly dissolved as the leaders and top journalists of over a dozen UN countries met with Msabu at his home on the outskirts of Kigali, Rwanda. The estate, measuring well over 30,000 square feet, features both indoor and outdoor swimming pools, studios and galleries for purposes ranging from audio recording to sculpting, and an attached amphitheater which seats several thousand. A generous portion of this home is also dedicated to the needs of his live-in girlfriend and internationally-renowned pop sensation Geneva. French Prime Minister François Fillon DWWHQGHG WKH FRQIHUHQFH DQG ZDV DW ¿UVW XQconvinced by the dictator’s pomp. “These displays can only serve to further convince me that this man has been systematically robbing his own country of its wealth,” he commented to one reporter, though applauding the diverse selection of cheeses and vintage wines offered at the refreshments table. Nevertheless, he maintained his strident view until presented with General Msabu’s impressive Matisse collection, as well as the exhibit of the dictator’s own sculptures ranging from the somber face of Josef Stalin to the stoic posture of Chairman Mao. Upon careful examination of these works, Fillon declared, “What we are dealing with here is a man of subtle and indisputable genius... a ¿QH H[DPSOH RI REVFXUHG WDOHQW DQG DPELtion.” Meanwhile, sources carry daily reports of acts described commonly as “ethnic cleansing” both domestically and internationally. It was expected that President Obama would distance himself from the tyrant, but despite his best attempts, the President’s resistance was futile. After a luncheon which featured local musicians performing a tribute to the works of Thelonious Monk and John Coltrane in regional instrumentation, the President was led to Msabu’s personal studio for a private conversation. In the press conference which followed, Obama spoke highly of Msabu, QRWLQJ WKDW ³KLV UH¿QHPHQW RI DQG SDWURQage to the humanities is unparalleled today” and “we hope that General Msabu will grant us the honor of his presence at the White House in the near future.” It is unclear how Msabu won over Obama, but inside sources speculate that a combination of rare single malt Scotch and the complete library of Ornette Coleman’s live recordings were critical components. The future of Rwanda’s ethnic minority, on the other hand, remains in jeopardy; despite this, world leaders left Msabu’s estate and boarded their respective planes in good spirits. When one ambitious reporter questioned President Obama regarding the fate of General Msabu’s oppressed people, he adamantly replied, “What, like you’re perfect? Give the guy a break. Jesus Christ.”

The Fish Rap Live! February 1, 2010

FIRE SAFETY Edition WEATHER

IN THIS ISSUE:

Santa Cruz, CA It’s rain forever-ever-ever, foreverever-ever, forever-ever-ever, forever, (forever). - Chris Brown

Vol. XXI, Issue 3

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“News Faux You”

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TOP HEADLINES

EQUATIONS

Area Man Used to Find Volume Man G6

OPINION

Yudof You Da Best G6

CHEAP DANK NEWS

Marijuana Reform Legislation Passes; World Hunger Now #1 Issue G6

SPORTS

Sports Team Wins Superbowl G6

ENTERTAINMENT

Fish Rap TV Debuts to Record Highs (In Ratings) G6

Haitian Orphans Pity Jersey Shore Cast By: Jun Takeda, Senior Fish Rapper

Recent orphan and native of Haiti, Samuel Pierre stated on Thursday that, “The earthquake that devastated Haiti was indeed an unfortunate circumstance but the Guido explosion of the Jersey Shore is much more devastating.” Pierre lives among the thousands of people who have been left homeless and starving by the unexpected 7.0 earthquake that hit Haiti, but he remains optimistic. “We have so much help from everyone in the world, we have the Red Cross, UNICEF, and that one white girl in Nebraska who is selling her collection of ceramic cats on Ebay in order to raise money for us. We are so fortunate, we have almost too much. I request any further aid go to the clean up of the Jersey Shore after last 7KXUVGD\¶V GHVWUXFWLYH ¿QDOH ´ Other Haitian earthquake victims feel bad for the cast members, Guy Dalembert stated, “Those people of the Jersey Shore… It’s such a shame, Mike The Situation brings home chicks like every fuckin’ night but he still can’t get laid. Things are bad in Haiti, but they aren’t that bad, I mean I’m still gettin pussy.” Not all Haitians feel bad for Jersey Shore cast members though, Marie Claude articulated, “I don’t feel bad for those Jersey Shore people at all, they just party all night, sleep all day and have massive feasts, meanwhile we starve, that JWOWW has bosoms that could feed hundreds in Haiti.”

Mike “The Situation” from the Jersey Shore appreciates his small but loyal Haitian fan base and proposed to start a ‘Big Brothers, Big Sisters of Haiti’ program in order to mentor Haitian orphans and teach them how to be the “man of the house.” He plans on enlisting the help of JWOWW, Snooki, and Vinny in order to kick start the program. In an interview, The Situation declared, “I feel like real bad for these Haitians. My abs are a situation, but that earthquake yo, that’s a real bad situation, am I right? These Haitians gotta learn to step up and be a man. We gonna go out there have DJ Pauly D on the ones and twos, spinnin the panty droppin beats, these Haitians are gonna grow up fast and learn how to party Haiti Shore style.” +DLWLDQ RI¿FLDOV DUH WU\LQJ WR VHW XS D UHOLHI IXQG ZKHUH HYHU\ WLPH people text “Snooki” to 42069 a care package consisting of a Jagerbomb, hair gel/bumpit and spray on tan is donated to the cast of the Jersey 6KRUH 2I¿FLDOV RQO\ KRSH WKH FDUH SDFNDJHV ZLOO NHHS *XLGRV GLVWUDFWHG ORQJ HQRXJK WR FOHDQ XS WKH PHVV OHIW DW &OXE .DUPD +DLWLDQ RI¿FLDOV furthermore stated, “Once the cleanup of Club Karma is complete we can begin collecting funds in order to start rebuilding Haiti.” Other relief HIIRUWV KDYH EHHQ VXJJHVWHG D WHOHYLVHG KRXU ¿VW SXPS GDQFH D WKRQ has recently been under consideration in order to raise necessary funds.

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