Volume 21, Issue 1

Page 1

TOTALLY WASTED EDITION IN THIS ISSUE:

WEATHER

Santa Cruz, CA

It’s raining men! Halle lujah! Mother Nature is a single woman, too.

Vol. XX1, Issue 1

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“News Faux You�

Non-cents

BREAKING NEWS: Obama is BLACK?!?

Apparently nothing.

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH MERRILL? By: Paul Schulmann

A

pproaching the nigh of my undergraduate career, it dawned on me that I have never seen nor visited Merrill college. Owing not to laziness, but rather a combination of my weak constitution, drunken tendencies, and injured third leg, I have avoided the perilous ascent up “Cardiac Hill,â€? whether I had class up there or not. Although I should know better, I took it upon myself to investigate what goes on in this desolate corner of campus. Although Merrill is known as the locus point of the Lionel Cantu LGBTTQQILOLQSBBQ Resource Center, Tacos Morenos, KZSC 5DGLR DQG WKH FDPSXV 3HDFH &RUSV RIÂżFH IHZ QRQ UHVLGHQWV DUH DZDUH of the other, unsanctioned activities that occur there. Over the summer, the campus constructed a stairway up to Crown college, making it more accessible to students, but its ugly sister college still remains shrouded in mystery. I met Sophie, a Merrill sophomore, in the Bay Tree Bookstore where we were both buying books for this Econ class I accidentally signed up for when I was drunk. When I asked her what goes on at Merrill, it took her a minute or two to reply. “Have you ever seen Wickerman? Not the Nicolas Cage one, the

TOP NEWS

ROGHU RQH" ,WœV OLNH WKLV ¿OP ZLWK VRPH FKLFNV GDQFLQJ DQG MXPSLQJ WKURXJK VRPH ÀDPHV WR SURYRNH IHUWLOLW\ 0HUULOO LV NLQG RI OLNH WKDW EXW with more cocaine, winded obese freshmen, feisty Latinas, and medicinal herbs that we grow in our secret gardens next to the cat cemetery. Or at least, it used to be that way. I haven’t been up there in a long time.� 3RVLQJ DV D 0HUULOO UHVLGHQW , GRQQHG D 8&6& :RPHQœV 5XJE\ W VKLUW and crept into a res hall. Something seemed amiss in the questionably vacant dorm, and I found myself surrounded by poorly painted murals and informational posters, one of them boasting the heralded history of Merrill college. Originally established in 1968 and funded by the Merrill Lynch Firm as a home for Porter rejects, Merrill is now the only residential college currently on welfare after Merrill Lynch was acquired by the Bank of America in coalition with College 8. In an episode not unlike the Trail of Tears, Merrill students were forced to abandon their adobe huts and seek the shelter of the nearby Humanities building, but the pressure was WRR PXFK IRU VRPH DQG WKH\ ÀHG WR 3RJRQLS So these days, not much goes on in the deserted Merrill College, but explorers have reported newfound signs of life, so there is only hope for the future of this once bustling community.

:$6+,1*721 ' & 'HVSLWH FRQĂ€LFWLQJ views on behalf of various CNN and Fox News correspondents, the President has EHHQ FRQÂżUPHG DV DQ $IULFDQ $PHULFDQ RU DOWHUQDWLYHO\ RQH IXQN\ DVV GXGH 1DQF\ Pelosi delivered the news before a joint session of congress last Friday. Fortunately, the gang was already assembled for the annual senate and house pajama party/pillow ÂżJKW VR SHRSOH ZHUH LQ D SUHWW\ JRRG PRRG ready for smores and some pop. Nancy swayed before the audience, belting at the top of her lungs news that shocked the assembly. “Black, I tell you!â€? could be heard echoing the hallways after she’d been escorted from the premises. It was rumored that Pelosi had consumed a few swigs of her parents’ peppermint schnapps and it was this indulgence that brought on the slumber party outburst, but the matter remains under investigation.

Urban Outfitters’ New Drug Test Unveiled

6$17$ &58= &$/,) ,Q D UHFHQW SUHVV FRQIHUHQFH 8UEDQ 2XWÂżWWHUV DGPLWWHG WR using a controversial test method in their hiring process. While most companies decline applicants who test positive for recent drug XVH 8UEDQ 2XWÂżWWHUV LV DFWLYHO\ VHHNLQJ RXW the casual drug users. According to the manager of operations, “We here at UO have a new and fresh outlook on fashion, clothing, and lifestyle choices. We’re also pretty into antlers. If you haven’t done coke or smoked weed in the last few days, you probably aren’t cool enough to work here, but we’ll be the judge of that.â€? Chief of Marketing at UO states “According to our market research, 90% of casual cocaine users own at least two graphic tees and at least three pairs of skinny jeans.â€? Other businesses are reportedly adopting a similar hiring process. Taco Bell is currently seeking alcoholics for employment and Whole Foods is only hiring Kombucha addicts.

CAMPUS

META

SPECIAL INTEREST

BUSINESS

Oakes Buses to Stevenson A6

Fish Rap called “Agoraphobic� B2

Reality TV Star “Not here to make friends� C4

ConsumerWatch: CALPIRG G6

Next Fish Rap Drunk Field Trip: San Quentin, followed by Sizzler

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T OC 09

FROM THE EDITOR Editor-in-Chief Erin Schmalfeld Assistant Editors Emmy Ballard James Shea Copy Editors Nicole Green Gavin Morgan Ivan Medina Paul Schulmann Contributors James Farmer, Sam Blum, Mark Delyani, Paul Schulmann, Phillippa Todhunter, Jun Takeda, Antonia Pecchia, Steven Quach, Samer Hosn, Julia Fogelson, Darin Matsumo, Victor Orozco, Jonny Flannes, Jared Klickstein, Marie Byrnes, Joe Rihn, Melissa Rachel Black, Yuna Ma, Maya Ysaguirre, Andrew Montes, Eric Barger, Charles Zuo, Samuel Nixon, Grant Golland, Saralynn Emery, Danielle Enns, Matt Lusky, *ULIÂżQ /HZLV Fish Rap Live! 1156 High Street Santa Cruz, CA 95064-1077 ÂżVKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP Faculty Sponsor Mike Rotkin Join Fish Rap Live! 7XHVGD\V S P XSVWDLUV # $5&HQWHU Department of Corrections Last issue, we boasted a “Funny Comicsâ€? page, when the truth is that none of those comics were remotely funny and they mostly dealt with EDOOV DQG :KLFK LVQÂśW WR VD\ WKRVH WKLQJV DUHQÂśW IXQQ\ MXVW WKDW ZH DUHQÂśW Fish Rap Live! Mantra “ B O D Y BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAG!!â€? - FRL Dive Team, October 2009 Follow FRL on Twitter ZZZ WZLWWHU FRP ÂżVKUDSOLYH

+H\ P\ FXSFDNHV :HOFRPH WR D EUDQG QHZ \HDU RI 7KH )LVK 5DS /LYH ,ÂśP (ULQ DQG ,ÂśP \RXU QHZ PRPP\ ,Q WKH ZRUGV RI $QQH )UDQN ,ÂśP KHOOD DPSHG WR KDYH WKLV MRE <RX VHH WKH )LVK 5DS DQG , KDYH D ORW RI WKLQJV LQ FRPPRQ :H ERWK PDVN RXU LQVHFXULWLHV ZLWK ORXG KXPRU WKH XQLYHUVLW\ GRHVQÂśW JLYH HLWKHU RI XV any money for doing this, and we both turned 21 over the summer! 7KDWÂśV ULJKW VZHHWLHV ,ÂśP WKH RQH WKDWÂśV WDNLQJ RQ RXU VW \HDU 6RPH QHZVSDSHUV RU EXVLQHVVHV RU ZKDWHYHU OLNH WR FHOHEUDWH ÂłELJ´ DQQLYHUVDULHV OLNH DQG \HDUV %XW , WKLQN LW FRPHV DV QR VXUSULVH WKDW LV D ZD\ ELJJHU GHDO ZKHQ LW FRPHV WR )5/ 6R , EULQJ WR \RX WKH Âł7RWDOO\ :DVWHG (GLWLRQ ´ WKH ÂżUVW LQ D ORQJ OLQH RI LVVXHV WKDW DUH JRLQJ WR NLFN VRPH VHULRXV DVV WKLV \HDU 7KDQNV WR P\ VPDUW IXQQ\ DQG WRWDOO\ FXWH VWDII ,ÂśP SUHWW\ VXUH ZHÂśUH JRLQJ WR KDYH D JRRG UXQ :HÂśYH JRW D FRXSOH QHZ XVHG UHVXUUHFWHG IHDWXUHV WKDW \RXÂśUH JRLQJ WR ORYH DOPRVW DV PXFK DV \RXÂśUH JRLQJ WR ORYH PH DQG WKDWÂśV JRLQJ WR EH D ORW EHFDXVH ,ÂśOO EDNH \RX \XPP\ WUHDWV WR VKRZ WKDW , FDUH &KHFN RXW WKH NLOOHU ZRUN IURP P\ VH[\ VHW RI VH[ FROXPQLVWV RQ SDJH UHDG ERXW WKH >PLV@DGYHQWXUHV RI WKH UHQHZHG )5/ 'LYH 7HDP RQ DQG GRQÂśW IRUJHW DERXW Âł2YHUKHDG LQ Santa Cruzâ€? on 7! :H KDYH D JUHDW VKRZ 8 LV KHUH 2K ZDLW QR WKDWÂśV QRW ULJKW 7KLV SURJUDP LV EURXJKW WR \RX E\ WKH WRXFK WKH IHHO RI FRWWRQ )XFN QR WKDWÂśV ZURQJ WRR /LYH IURP 8&6& LWÂśV )LVK 5DS" *RG GDPPLW , GRQÂśW NQRZ -XVW WXUQ WKH SDJH DQG ,ÂśP JRQQD JR FU\ DQG HDW WKH SDLQ DZD\ Love, Erin Schmalfeld 3 6 .HHS \RXU H\HV SHHOHG IRU )LVK 5DS 79 &RPLQJ WR DQ LGLRW ER[ QHDU \RX Dear Fish Rap, ,WÂśV QRW PH LWÂśV \RX , UHDOO\ KDWHG FRPLQJ WR WKH ÂżUVW PHHWLQJ DQG , KDWH \RX (YHU\WKLQJ DERXW \RX VXFNV DQG DOVR \RX VPHOO , GRQÂśW ZDQW WR ZRUN IRU \RX VR OHDYH PH DORQH IRUHYHU -Dude with a ‘Tude Hi there, DTF! 2K QR ,ÂśP VR VRUU\ WKDW \RX KDG D EDG WLPH ODXJKLQJ DQG OLVWHQLQJ WR MRNHV 'RQÂśW WHOO DQ\RQH EXW , IHHO WKH VDPH ZD\ , DFWXDOO\ hate anything having to do with happiness, fun, MR\ ODXJKWHU JLJJOLQJ DQG SOHDVXUH , GRQÂśW HYHQ NQRZ KRZ , JRW WKLV MRE DQG , DOUHDG\ KDWH LW 0RVW RI WKH WLPH , MXVW ZLVK , ZDV VLWting at home, drinking Chardonnay and watchLQJ 'DQFLQJ :LWK WKH 6WDUV ZLWK P\ 0RP How can I distance myself from this KDWHIXO RUJDQL]DWLRQ" ,ÂśP VR MHDORXV WKDW \RX JRW RXW ZKLOH \RX FRXOG Hugs & Ponies, Erin Yo, Yo, Yo, you’re with Fish Rap? 1R VKLW WKDW WKLQJ LV WKH IXFNLQÂś WLJKWHVW PDQ ,ÂśYH DOZD\V VDLG WKDW OLNH IXFNLQÂś KDQGV GRZQ )LVK 5DS LV WKH EHVW IXFNLQÂś SDSHU DW 8&6& OLNH ÂľFDXVH , GRQÂśW HYHQ NQRZ ZKDW WKH RWKHU RQHV DUH EXW WKDW VKLW LV VR OHJLW EUR +H\ FDQ , JHW D GUDJ" <HDK GXGH , GRQÂśW NQRZ who lives here, but seriously Fish Rap is the ERPE 6KLW P\ EURV DUH JRLQÂś WR WKH 5XVK wanna come? -Some homie at a house party Hey Baby, Thanks, cutie pie! And sure, you can have a drag, but do you have HPV? Because

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Kisses, Erin

Dear FRL! Editor, <RX KXUW P\ IHHOLQJV <RXU SDSHU LV insensitive and I refuse to stand for this any lonJHU -OAAAKES Dear Oaky Flavor, %RR IXFNLQJ +RR $OVR %RR 5DGOH\ Sincerely, Erin Dear Erin Schmalfeld, I was listening to someone read your paper out loud to their friend on the bus the other day, and I thought it was really funny! Are you guys coming out with a Braille edition soon VR , FDQ HQMR\ WKH IXQ WRR" -Cecilia Blinderson Dear Old Guy, All blind people are old guys, right? :LWK OLNH WKRVH FORXG\ EOXH H\HV DQG D 6WHYLH :RQGHU VPLOH ,WœV NLQG RI OLNH KRZ DOO IDW chicks look the same and how all old women ORRN OLNH KDSS\ FKLFNHQV ZKHQ WKH\œUH ÀLUWLQJ 2U ZDLW WKDW ODVW RQH LV NLQG RI GLIIHUHQW ,Q D ZRUG 1(9(5 7KLV LV P\ VROemn vow that Fish Rap will never do anything WR PDNH OLIH HDVLHU IRU EOLQG SHRSOH +H\ ZDLW WKLV LV NLQG RI DZHVRPH This old guy is never going to be able to read WKLV , FDQ VD\ ZKDWHYHU WKH IXFN , ZDQW 2ND\ JX\V MXVW SURPLVH PH WKDW \RX DUHQœW JRLQJ WR WHOO KLP ZKDW , ZULWH 3LQN\ VZHDU" &RRO

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%OLQG SHRSOH FUHHS PH RXW 7KH\ÂśUH DOZD\V IXFNLQJ VWDULQJ EXW OLNH WKH\ FDQÂśW DFWXDOO\ VHH DQ\WKLQJ VR WKH\ÂśUH QRW really starLQJ EXW WKH\ÂśUH VWLOO WRWDOO\ MXVW VWDULQJ DW \RX :KDWÂśV XS ZLWK WKDW" 7KRVH WKLQJV GRQÂśW HYHQ ZRUN FDQÂśW \RX MXVW NHHS WKHP VKXW DOO WKH WLPH" :KDWÂśV WKH ZRUVW WKDW FRXOG KDSSHQ \RX suddenly regain your sight and miss out on it? Oh man, what if they get sand in their eyes? Do they know? Ewww, what if they get gross eye gunk and nobody wants to tell them because WKH\ÂśUH EOLQG DQG WKDWÂśV UXGH OLNH SRLQWLQJ DW D FULSSOHÂśV VWXPS OHJ 8JK , KDWH EOLQG SHRSOH XOXO, Erin

Write to the Fish Rap Live! The best hate/fan mail we get for each issue gets a FREE LUNCH with the Editor-inChief! Who could argue with a cost-free sandwich? ÂżVKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP

One time when I was drunk I dipped my balls in blood pudding

University Throws a Tarp Over Porter, Calls it Done SANTA CRUZ, CALIF. – After months of loud construction work starting in the early morning, students living in the Porter B dorm building can now rest easy knowing that the main part of the conVWUXFWLRQ ZRUN LV ¿QLVKHG 'XH WR EXGJHW FRQVWUDLQWV WKH FRQVWUXFtion workers were instructed to just throw a tarp and some danger tape over the portions of the building that haven’t been completed and call it done. Residents have been advised to just work around whatever problems arise in the buildings, such as a lack of functioning bathrooms, large gaps between the windows and the walls, the tiger on WKH WKLUG ÀRRU DQG WKH ODUJH EOXH WDUS WKDW LV FXUUHQWO\ IXQFWLRQLQJ DV D URRI 8QLYHUVLW\ RI¿FLDOV VD\ WKDW WKH EXLOGLQJ LV FRPSOHWHO\ safe for living in, despite the fact that just last week three residents IHOO WR WKHLU WUDJLF GHDWKV ZKHQ WKH\ ZHQW RXW RQWR D VL[WK ÀRRU EDOFRQ\ WKDW KDGQœW EHHQ EXLOW \HW 5HVLGHQWV RI WKH ¿IWK ÀRRU KDYH also been plagued with an infestation of voyeuristic Ceiling Cats who watch the residents as they masturbate. All further construction required for the B Building will be done by a local Santa Cruz contractor company, H. Ippie & Co. The university has chosen H. Ippie & Co. for the job because, as a local business, the work will stimulate the local economy, and they are willing to be paid in cannabis as an alternative to money. However, this will cause a tuition hike due to the fact that the contractors are bumming the faculty’s weed. No work has been done by H.

3

Ippie & Co. as of press time, as they have been too busy hotboxing the garbage chute and subsequently passing out in the quad room RQ WKH IRXUWK Ă€RRU However, the prolonged reconstruction process does have a silver lining by giving the residents of B building many new experiences and learning opportunities. A lack of stalls around toilets has made the ability to hold hands with the person next to you while urinating a reality, a focus on natural lighting has left many rooms without curtains to better utilize the light from the sun, a smuggling tunnel has been built that extends from the basement directly into Porter Cave for students to learn about how the black market actuDOO\ RSHUDWHV DQG D Ă€XNH LQ SODQQLQJ KDV FDXVHG WKH FUHDWLRQ RI D substance-free hall for close inspection of, and the opportunity to meet, people who choose to not do drugs. Other construction projects taking place in and around Porter LQFOXGH UHEXLOGLQJ WKH 3RUWHU $ %XLOGLQJ DQG WKH 3RUWHU 'LQLQJ Hall, placing ashtrays and a vending machine stocked with lighters in Porter Meadow, and a much-needed straightening of the iconic Porter “Squiggleâ€? statue that was bent multiple times when it was ÂżUVW EHLQJ LQVWDOOHG RQ WKH FDPSXV The reconstruction of the Porter A Building is still going along as planned with no budgetary setbacks due to the fact that its basement will serve as Mark Yudof’s underground lair, and is still scheduled to open at the beginning of fall quarter 2010.

HANDJOB TOTALLY WORTH PARTY ENDING IN VIOLENCE SANTA CRUZ, CALIF. -- A house party was broken up last Saturday due to reports of an altercation between two Santa Cruz residents WKDW HQGHG LQ D QHDU IDWDO VWDEELQJ 'RQQLH Geraldo, a UCSC sophomore, attended the house party and stated, “The stabbing was pretty scary, but I got a handjob that night, so I’m not even trippin’.â€? 2Q WKH QLJKW RI 2FW 'DQD +HSSOHmann organized a house party at her residence on Ocean St. “It was just supposed to be a regular house party,â€? Hepplemann said. “So many people we’re going in and out, I couldn’t keep track of everyone.â€? $W S P 'RQQLH *HUDOGR DUULYHG DW the party. “I brought over two 40s, because I always know that I’m drunk enough when ,ÂśYH KDG WZR V ´ 'RQQLH LPPHGLDWHO\ EHJDQ macking on UCSC Junior Allyson Ronnell. Âł6KHÂśV GHÂżQLWHO\ D EXWWHU IDFH ´ 'RQQLH WHOOV us. “I don’t even know, dude. I was just trying to get my dick wet.â€? 'XULQJ WKLV WLPH 7RGG 5H\QROGV IURP Cabrillo College initiated a dispute against

DQ XQNQRZQ +LVSDQLF PDOH ZKR ODWHU Ă€HG WKH scene. We couldn’t speak with Todd, but what witnesses tell us is that Todd made a lewd comment about a single woman at the party who happened to be the unknown male’s girlfriend. “Todd said something, I don’t really rePHPEHU ´ 'RQQLH WROG XV Âł%XW OLNH WKH RWKHU dude was pissed because it was his girlfriend and shit. I made a hella funny joke about the way that dude’s angry face looked, Allyson thought it was funny,â€? While Todd and the unknown male began WR DUJXH 'RQQLH KDG ÂżQLVKHG KLV ÂżUVW DQG asked Allyson to make out with him. Âł'RQQLH ZDV IXFNLQJ +$00(5(' ´ junior Michael Henderblox said. “He always brings two 40s, but he’s a fuckin’ lightweight. Allyson was pretty drunk too, and they just started making out on the couch.â€? 'RQQLH WRRN $OO\VRQ WR DQRWKHU URRP EHcause the altercation was getting louder, and LW ZDV FULSSOLQJ 'RQQLHÂśV FKDQFHV RI JHWWLQJ laid. “Yeah, I wasn’t trying to have that, so we ZHQW LQWR RQH RI 'DQDÂśV URRPPDWHÂśV URRPV

We were hella making out and then she started giving me a handjob,â€? 'XULQJ WKLV WLPH DW DERXW 30 WKH unknown Hispanic male pulled out a switch blade and stabbed Todd in the stomach once and the hip twice. 'DQD UHFDOOHG WKH LQFLGHQW Âł2QFH VHFRQG that guy had a knife in his hands, and he actuDOO\ VWDEEHG 7RGG (YHU\RQH ZHQW DSHVKLW DQG started screaming and stuff,â€? 7KH +LVSDQLF PDOH Ă€HG WKH VFHQH LQ WKH chaos. Allyson, hearing the screams, stopped PDVWXUEDWLQJ 'RQQLH DQG ZHQW GRZQVWDLUV WR see what had happened. Todd was taken to a hospital immediately, but survived the three stab wounds. Âł, GLGQÂśW HYHQ FDUH ´ VD\V 'RQQLH Âł6KH ZDV SUHWW\ FORVH DQ\ZD\ VR , MXVW ÂżQLVKHG RII myself and then went outside where everyone else was,â€? Todd survived the stabbing, but is still in the hospital and shouldn’t be released for another two weeks. “We’re surprised he even VXUYLYHG ´ VDLG 'U +DPLOWRQ RI 6DQWD &UX] General Hospital. “All three of the incisions

barely missed vital organs that would have left Todd dead instantly.� 7KH DVVDLODQW ÀHG EHIRUH SROLFH UHDFKHG the residence. Five units were dispatched, but the unknown Hispanic male wasn’t found that night. The police have not submitted a public statement yet on this attempted homicide. Though most of the party attendees seemed shook up after their classmate was nearly NLOOHG 'RQQLH IHOW GLIIHUHQW +LV RQO\ TXDOP was the fact that he didn’t get past second base with Allyson, but besides that he felt that the KDQGMRE VXI¿FHG IRU D JRRG QLJKW GHVSLWH WKH stabbing of Todd Reynolds. :H DVNHG 'RQQLH KRZ WKH KDQGMRE ZDV ³,W was kinda clumsy since she was pretty drunk. And she didn’t spit on her hand or anything, so it was dry. I think it would’ve taken her another 10 minutes of jerking me since she was all over the place, but by that time I would’ve probably gotten head. But Todd got stabbed and all, so I guess a handjob was pretty dope for that night.� 'RSH 7RGG 'RSH LQGHHG

Relics of the Occupation: An Anthropological Look at the Graduate Student Commons SANTA CRUZ, CALIF. -- Anyone walking through the Bay Tree Plaza this fall was sure to notice the protesting class of 2009, who scored an impressive victory over the university by occupying the Graduate Student Commons above Joe’s 3L]]D DQG 6XEV )RU WKH ÂżUVW WLPH LQ UHPHPEHUHG KLVWRU\ D group of students had a piece of university to claim as their own. These young Marxists had collided enough dialecticts to make the transition from oppressed peasantry to wealthy landowners, almost overnight. Their society, for its brief existence, was a glorious one. At the height of Occupationist prosperity, dance parties reigned supreme over the land and neighboring tribes were either integrated or routed to the “totally lameâ€? parts of campus. But today, little is known about these protestors. They, like a modern-day Jamestown settling crew, vanished, leaving little behind to explain their mysterious exodus. Who were they? What were their daily lives like? And perhaps most importantly, why have they disappeared? All we have is what they left behind.

Infographic: What they left behind -- forgotten trash of the Occupation The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

I don’t normally drink beer, but when I do I beat my kids.

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This Week: The Asti

The Fish Rap Live! Dive Team is a group of individuals dedicated to truthfully reviewing local establishments, commonly referred to as “Dive Bars.â€? Interested in becoming a member of this heralded UCSC tradition? Email fishraplive@gmail.com. Is it wrong to say that a murder made your night awesome? %HFDXVH RQ WKH 'LYH 7HDPÂśV ÂżUVW QLJKW RXW WKDW ZDV GHÂżQLWHO\ WKH sentiment. After pregaming the mandatory pregaming sesh, our DD took us out on the town in his whip: a sick ass ‘92 Corolla wagon scraper with some subs in the back. Our goal that night was to get kicked out of the Asti, so we headed in that general direction when our plans were unexpectedly thwarted by a body on the fuckin’ sidewalk. The Fish Rap Dive Team got beat by murder before we even started. $W ÂżUVW ZH ZHUH SLVVHG :KR GLG WKLV ERG\ WKLQN KH ZDV" We’re the Dive Team and no one upstages our nights on the town. Of course we had to do several drive bys to get a good glimpse of the corpse on the sidewalk, covered in a yellow rubber sheet. Though we don’t like to talk about it that much, we at the Fish Rap actually do have souls, so we started to feel a little bad. So we decided to cheer ourselves up with a little house party action that we heard about going on about a block away. As we left the murder scene, we heard the techno blasting and knew that we were going to salvage the night. Since the cops had their hands full of murder, this party was raging. There were about 100 people chilling out in this apartment complex parking lot, milling around and getting their chemicals of choice going. This is about the time that we ran into D FRXSOH RWKHU )LVK 5DSSHUV DQG Ă€HJOLQJ PHPEHUV RI WKH )5/ Dive Team. Fortunately, they were more fucked up than us at the time, so it was no problem convincing them to go walk over to the murder and take a look. We stopped for beer and snacks along the way, because... you know... it was Friday. We walked around the block and hit the police barricade from the other side, and then we got the call. 7KH SDUW\ KDG EHHQ EXVWHG /$0( , JXHVV VRPH RI WKH FRSV managed to walk the 100 yards away from the crime scene to tell those kids to cut it out or they’re next. But not before some party

JRHUV OLW XS D IHZ ¿UHZRUNV WR FRPPHPRUDWH WKH OLIH ORVW SDUW\ to be had. One roman candle for each precious year of life. 16 in totes, dude. At this point, the Asti was far from our minds, but we had to carry on the party. So we stopped for some more road sodas to sustain us while we walked from Laurel to Locust to hit up the Red Room. We didn’t anticipate how swiftly we’d walk, so pretty soon we were outside of the Red with a couple quarts of beer to chug before we could enter. The Dive Team had absorbed a few more darling staff members from the party and everyone had a nice little urination-in-public before we began our ascent up to the bar. None of us had ever been in the Red on a Friday and that shit was packed. Packed and smelling heavily of vomit. We endured for as long as we could, trading weird glances with strange dudes at the bar, trying unsuccessfully to get drinks, and trying not to breathe in through our noses, but it eventually became too much for us to bear and we decided to go somewhere with fewer assholes, hipsters, and douchebags. The Rush Inn was packed, and there was no one carding at the door so our 20-year-old friend got in no problem. We ran into some people from the Press Center, some people from our classes, and some other random strangers that found it appropriate to start chit chatting about god knows what. The Whiskey sours were declicious and the lines for the bathroom were short, so we decided that the Rush is a pretty legit place. But things got even legit-er when this random birthday boy showed up and bought all of us Lemon Drops at last call. He was hitting a new decade and celebrating the start of his dirty thirties by blowing hella bucks on drinks for people he didn’t know. We asked him some questions and shared a bit of witty banter to indulge his old ass, but when he tried to LQYLWH KLPVHOI EDFN WR WKH DIWHU SDUW\ DW (ULQœV ZH VOLSSHG away quietly and left him to decay in peace.

We started chain smoking like motherfuckers out on the balcony and got into a fat argument about Nico from The Velvet Underground (is she actually talented? or was she just hanging out with the right guys at the right time?) and started winding down by taking a couple more shots. So, when it comes down to giving the Asti a rating, I guess ZHœUH QRW H[DFWO\ TXDOL¿HG WR PDNH WKLV MXGJPHQW FDOO EXW ZHœUH JRLQJ WR DQ\ZD\ 7+( $67, ,6 7+( 0267 /(*,7 ',9( %$5 72 (9(5 (;,67 (9(5 2U DW OHDVW RXU TXHVW IRU WKH $VWL gave us a pretty great night, so 5 stars all around. Thinking about what we learned from this night, I feel pretty good when I say that we all walked away a little older and a little wiser. Santa Cruz can be pretty sketch at night, and it would seem that you’re always running the risk of physical violence and we were lucky enough not to be the victim of someone else’s bad decisions, just our own. I was happy to be travelling in a pack of rogue alcoholics, because shit is probably more dangerous when you’re on your own. Lesson learned? Whether you’re drunk in public, running around town, or both, things like this are better in groups, and the Dive Team is a pretty kickass group to roll with.

House Paaaarty Reviews

by Brosef McPartyhead What a weekend! There were some great times to be had in Santa Cruz this past weekend. I’ll start off with the low down on this party on Friday. It was a good ol’ fashioned Santa Cruz Bro-Bash complete with bros, wiggers, Asians and of course your Fish Rap Live! party correspondent. As I entered the house, I was imPHGLDWHO\ ERPEDUGHG ZLWK Ă€DW ELOOHG EDVHball hats, baggy pants, gelled hair and phresh ass rhymes dawg. And no hip hop party would be complete without a rap battle. I assembled next to the rap battle, as obviously this was going to be the funniest shit I will hear in the next two weeks. The rhymes were Ă€RZLQJ WRQLJKW \R 7KHVH 0&V ZHUH KRW OLNH Taco Bell’s hot sauce which is actually hotter WKDQ WKHLU ÂżUH VDXFH VR LW ZDV SUHWW\ KRW 7KH rap battle had many memorable lines, but these bad ass rap stars spit too fast for me to write them all down so I’ll grace you with a few of the most original lines. The wiggers were going at it with such gems as, “It’s a rap battle motherfucker I’m gonna smash you like I’m fucking Shaquille. You a bitch you from Santa Ana, you jack off to pictures of Santa, faggot.â€? And witty come back raps like,“You a bitch, you hella gay, why the fuck you drink AlizĂŠ.â€?

The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

It seemed like a typical party that you would expect to go to in Santa Barbara except for instead of surfer bros there were wigger bros, and instead of rape there was rap. The wigger broness was masked by the tasteful paintings of 9DQ *RJK DQG 0& (VFKHU EXW LWDOLFL]HG E\ WKH huge posters of Notorious BIG, Snoop Dogg and PRVDLF %RE 0DUOH\ , QRWLFHG D SRVWHU RI $OEHUW (LQVWHLQ DQG WKRXJKW WR P\VHOI WKLV LV WKH RQO\ SODFH (LQVWHLQ ZRXOG EH FDXJKW ZLWK D URRP IXOO of white boys rapping to Andre Nickatina. As I gathered my things to leave, I caught one more JOLPSVH RI SDUW\ JORU\ 2QH EXGGLQJ 0& DSproached another and said, “Dude, no offense, I didn’t mean to offend you bro.� The man then responded, “Nah dogg it wasn’t cool you were interrupting my battle, you don’t do that shit. If you got shit to say lets battle. You wanna battle right now son? Huh? Let’s fucking do it right here, let’s battle.� At that point I couldn’t take any more bro party. With laughter, cheer and a stomach full of beer, I took off and allowed this night to end. The Saturday night party I went to could not have possibly lived up to the bro party and the instant classic, “you jack off to pictures of Santa faggot.� But to my amazement, this West-

side Santa Cruz party was soon to be another great night in the party review journal. I entered the massive house and found a nice cozy spot to put my things down. As I approached the backyard, the music and beer pong screams became audible and I became optimistic. Then to my surprise, a grown man with hairy-ass legs HQWHUHG P\ ¿HOG RI YLVLRQ 7KLV ZRXOG QRW KDYH normally startled me, but this man was wearing nothing but a diaper and a skin tight Yu-GiOh shirt. Rad, this is my kind of party. Several people were dressed as babies and many others were dressed as the elderly. I then realized that this was a babies/old people dress up party and I knew I was in for a night of debauchery, bros, brahs, beers, and babies. The party continued on a normal track unWLO 0U <X *L 2K GLDSHU SDQWV GHFLGHG WR WU\ and make some money. He was doing a little self fundraising, trying to collect money in exchange for letting people watch him shit himself in his diaper. I saw a normal man in baby clothes reduced to the party guy scrounging for dollars to shit himself. I immediately screamed, ³, JRW ¿YH RQ WKDW VKLW ´ 2WKHU SDUW\ JRHUV LQWHUMHFWHG ³\HDK , JRW ¿YH RQ LW ´ DQG WKHQ , KHDU LQ DQ HPSKDWLF \HOO ³¿YH GROODU IRRW ORQJ ´

0U GLDSHU SDQWV WKHQ VDLG Âł,WÂśV QRW PH WKDW ,ÂśP worried about, it’s you guys. I can smell my own poo all day. I can’t smell other people’s poo, that’s gross.â€? It turned the tone of the evening to a more ridiculous and disgusting one, bringing a certain level of fear and excitement to the phrase “Oh Shit.â€? After the pants shitting escapade, the party died down because the guy disappeared, presumably to poop, I encountered a large fellow in a Hawaiian shirt. Normal looking guy just X 1.75. I heard him say, “I’m going to the front house to drink their beer and Fuck 6KLW 8S ´ $QG DV ÂżHOG UHSRUWHU , LQVWLQFWLYHO\ followed him. The loud drunk man then got into an altercation and ripped his Hawaiian shirt off to an un-wearable state screaming, “I’m going to kick his ass. It this were So Cal, I’d fuck him up. That’s what we do in So Cal, we leave people bleeding in the streets.â€? Pure joy entered my soul and I knew this party was one to go in the books.

Want Fish Rap Live! to review your house party? Shoot us an e-vite at fishraplive@gmail.com

David Kliger: Party Pooper

I AM EXERCISING MY UNDENIABLE HUMAN RIGHT TO JACK OFF IN CLASS A first person account of perfectly natural manual lovin’

FDOFXOXV VROXWLRQV PDQXDO )RU WRR ORQJ KDYH , shamefully accumulated hair grease to lube up OHVV FRQVSLFXRXVO\ )RU WRR ORQJ KDYH , IDNHG facial ticks and Tourette’s syndrome to guilt female seatmates into looking the other way ZKLOH , VSUD\ P\ VZHHW VFLHQWLÂżF ORDG DOO RYHU the back of the Classroom Unit chairs. And I will stand for it no longer! 6R LI P\ ZD\ RI OLIH OHDYHV \RX IHHOLQJ D OLWWOH ÂłXQFRPIRUWDEOH ´ RU LI \RXÂśG ÂłUDWKHU QRW KDYH WR GHDO ZLWK PH ´ SUHWHQG WKDW ,ÂśP ÂłEODFN´

“

“Sorry, does my shameless self-stimulation disrupt your educational experience? Woman, KDYH \RX HYHU H[SHULHQFHG EOXH EDOOV"´

RU ³JD\´ LQVWHDG RI ³D FRPSXOVLYH SXEOLF PDVWXUEDWRU ´ ,I , UHFDOO FRUUHFWO\ WKDWœV WKH same bigoted and uneducated reasoning that segregated the drinking fountains of the south DQG 9HJDV ZHGGLQJ FKDSHOV 7KRXJK , PXVW say, if we managed to keep women out of higher learning institutions for a couple centuries ORQJHU , ZRXOGQœW EH KDYLQJ WKLV SUREOHP :K\ FDQœW WKH IHPLQLVWV GR VRPHWKLQJ YDOXDEOH ZLWK their time? Like cook or clean my dorm?) , ¿QG P\ IHUYHQW EHKDYLRU WR EH LQ QR ZD\ inappropriate for an academic setting. If you hobag females can orchestrate your birth control alarms into a lecture hall symphony, I should at least be able to splooge in class. And I try to be considerate, you know? Very rarely am I caught with my hands actually down

Kresge Swing Disaster This right here is some journalism by Marie Byrnes Âł'XGHEUR NQRZ LI WKH .UHVJH VZLQJÂśV XS"´ ´, GXQQR ODVW , KHDUG VRPH FKLFN Ă€HZ RII of it a couple weeks back. I guess their plan was to airlift her out afterwards, ‘cause she had a broken face and all, but all of the pot that WKH ÂżUHÂżJKWHUV VPRNHG EHIRUHKDQG FUHDWHG D huge cloud of smoke and it got ‘too foggy’ to GR VR ´ Âł)LUHÂżJKWHUV VPRNH ZHHG" :LFNHG ´ Âł<HDK , GXQQR PDQ LWV D FUD]\ VZLQJ ´ “No seriously though, we should chill with VRPH ÂżUHÂżJKWHUV WKRVH JX\V DUH KHURHV DQG WKH\ VPRNH ZHHG ´ 7ZR EURV SDXVH WR UHPHPEHU While this exchange of dialogue may or may QRW EH WUXH , RIWHQ ÂżQG P\VHOI DVNLQJ SHRSOH the same thing - WTF is up with that swing? Is LW FXUUHQWO\ XS RU GRZQ" 'R ÂżUHÂżJKWHUV UHDOO\ EOD]H LW" :DV LQHYLWDEOH" $QG ZKDW HYHU happened to that missing girl? :HOO , QHYHU IRXQG RXW DERXW PRVW RI WKDW VWXII EXW DIWHU KHDULQJ WKDW WKH .UHVJH VZLQJ KDV EHHQ WDNHQ GRZQ VLQFH VRPHRQH ZDV seriously injured on it and wasn’t airlifted out) I’m still left wondering - WTF!?!? Has it been hung up again since? Isn’t airlifting supposed to be an undeniable human right? And why do people keep getting hurt? I had to get to the bottom of this. 'HFLGLQJ WR GR VRPH IXUWKHU LQYHVWLJDWLRQ of my own, I grabbed a to-go lunch box from the dining hall, stuffed it with french fries and FKLFNHQ QXJJHWV IRU WKH URDG KH\ , KDG WR PDNH LW ZRUWK WKDW ÂżIW\ FHQW SULFH LQFUHDVH DQG hiked to the spot myself this past weekend.

The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

P\ MHDQV 'HQLP" =LSSHUV" &KDIH FLW\ 0RVW of the time I just jam my hands down between my leg, feign an anxiety attack, and rub, rub, rub. (YHQ ZKHQ , VSHQG ÂżYH PLQXWHV GRXEOHG RYHU DQG VKDNLQJ LWV WKDW JRRG WR FRQFOXGH RQH RI P\ ÂłHSLVRGHV ´ \RX EHH]LHV EDUHO\ QRWLFH me. That girl who looks like she’s about to puke SUREDEO\ FDPH GRZQ ZLWK VZLQH Ă€X RU + 1 or gonorrhea, and I bet the ones that do come

8SRQ DUULYDO , LPPHGLDWHO\ QRWLFHG WKDW the swing was nowhere in sight... or so I thought! Actually it was, but it was only after walking down the steep ledge that I noticed a small length of rope poking its way out of the ground. I pulled, and yanking it further, GLVFRYHUHG LW ZDV DFWXDOO\ DQ HQWLUH UROO RI URSH . Imagine my surprise. Seriously, just imagine it. I was fucking surprised. -XVW WKHQ , KHDUG D IHPDOH YRLFH IURP WKH KHDYHQV Âł*R IRUWK DQG UHVWRUH LW ´ Âł*RG" :DV UHDOO\ QHFHVVDU\"´ Âł1RW DOO 0DULH EXW , IHOW OLNH /DERU 'D\ ZDVQÂśW UHDOO\ FXWWLQJ LW DV D 6HSWHPEHU KROGLGD\ ´ 6WDUWOHG EXW UHOLHYHG , WXUQHG DURXQG TXLFNO\ DQG WXPEOHG KHDG RYHU KHHOV WR WKH bottom of the hill. Or so I thought! Again! Actually, exhausted from the hike and knocked up with a checken nugget food baby, I KDG MXVW GR]HG RII DW WKH EDVH RI WKH WUHH ZKHUH the swing was once hung. I dreamt all this. So, no, the swing’s not there and I’m still totally WTF and stuff. All I know is that I once had a creepy GUHDP DQG WKDW ÂłWKH IRJ´ ZDV DOPRVW FHUWDLQO\ marijuana-related smoke. Well that and that ÂżUHÂżJKWHUV VPRNH PRUH ZHHG WKDQ D 0HUULOO junior transfer. And that God is a Bitch. And WKDW WKH .UHVJH VZLQJ LV UHDOO\ P\VWHULRXV DQG awesome and stuff. But if I only learned on WKLQJ IURP WKLV WULS LWV WKLV 1HYHU )RUJHW

“

I do my work. I come to class. I get things done. It just so happens that one of those things is stimulating my penis to ejaculation adjacent to my female seatmates. No big, right? You ladies stare at me all the time with looks of ignorant disgust plastered across your faces, wondering, “can he really not hold out for an KRXU DQG WHQ PLQXWHV" +RZ ROG LV KH ÂżYH"´ Sorry, does my shameless self-stimulation disrupt your educational experience? Woman, KDYH \RX HYHU H[SHULHQFHG EOXH EDOOV" <RX KDYH REYLRXVO\ QHYHU WDNHQ D PDWK or physics class here. Calc class is just too fucking sexy! Sometimes I get so turned on by a differential equation that I can’t help but tend to my own‌ system. It’s intense. It’s not my fault that watching porn in my dorm room like a regular guy doesn’t do it for me. I need some mental stimulation and nothing grinds my gears OLNH VRPH KLJK OHYHO PDWKHPDWLFV But you know what: I am tired of being treated like a second-class student. For too ORQJ KDYH , FRQFHDOHG P\ ÂłEDG KDELWV´ UHDG public masturbation) beneath my raincoat or

RXW FODLPLQJ WR IHHO YLRODWHG RU RIIHQGHG DUH UHDOO\ MXVW IHHEO\ WU\LQJ WR DYHQJH WKHLU ODFN RI protruding, easy-to-satisfy genitals. $OO P\ OLIH ,œYH ZDWFKHG DV P\ ERQHU EURWKHUV KDYH EHHQ VWURQJ DUPHG RXW RI WKHLU tables, desks, and now lecture halls whimpering, ³, MXVW FDQœW KHOS LW ´ :HOO PD\EH ZH VKRXOGQœW KDYH WR KHOS LW 0D\EH WKH WLPH KDV FRPH IRU XV WR EH DEOH WR KHOS RXUVHOYHV Equality for my people must be secured at RQFH :H DUHQœW GRZQ ZLWK WKDW ¾'RQœW $VN 'RQœW 7HOOœ EXOOVKLW OLNH &OLQWRQ 7KHVH GD\V RI KXPLOLDWLRQ DQG VRFLDO RVWUDFLVP DUH R Y H U Our time has come. Get it? Come. Hehe.

5

Yeah, We Gotta Make a Letterman Joke. by Maya Ysagirre

,Q D MXVW UHOHDVHG LQWHUYLHZ 79 SHUVRQDOLW\ 'DYLG /HWWHUPDQ WKH Âł/DWH 6KRZ´ KRVW and apparent cradle-robber admitted to an affair with a young employee. After high ÂżYHV IURP DOO RI WKH FUHZ RQ KLV VKRZ WKLQJV took a somber turn, and homie started getWLQJ D OLWWOH Ă€DFN 'DYLG /HWWHUPDQÂśV DOOHJHG ÂłRWKHU ZRPDQ´ DGPLWV WR EHLQJ D JHURQWRSKHOLDF [someone with a powerful and persistent sexual interest in the elderly]. Stephanie %LUNLWW ZDV UHSRUWHGO\ LQYROYHG LQ DQ DIIDLU ZLWK IDPHG ÂłPDQWKHU´ /HWWHUPDQ ZKR LV old), because her boyfriend, Robert Joel +DOGHUPDQ ZDV ÂłWRR \RXQJ ´ ,Q DQ H[FOXVLYH LQWHUYLHZ %LUNLWW LV recorded saying that her former beau was ÂłSUDFWLFDOO\ SUH SXEHVFHQW´ FRPSDULQJ WKH ÂżIW\ VRPHWKLQJ +DOGHUPDQ WR KHU \RXQJHU brother, who wears cheap brand-name skater tees and masturbates watching “Totally 6SLHV´ %LUNLWW DGGHG WKDW ZKHQ 6XJDU 'DGG\ Letterman threw his back out on the set, she IHOO LQVWDQWO\ LQ ORYH Âł, MXVW ZDQWHG WR SRXU him a big glass of Ensure and cuddle all QLJKW ´ /HWWHUPDQ UHIXVHG WR JLYH DQ LQWHUYLHZ apparently too busy watching “Wheel of )RUWXQH´ DQG HDWLQJ WDSLRFD SXGGLQJ RXW RI D OHIWRYHU DSSOHVDXFH FRQWDLQHU Âł-RH´ +DOGHUPDQ :LL LQ KDQG UHEXNHV WKDW %LUNLWW LV ÂłD WRWDO ELWFK ZKRUH´ We caught up with fossil-dick Letterman GULYLQJ GRZQ WKH H[SUHVVZD\ DW PLOHV SHU hour with his left turn signal on. His only comment was that Stephanie Birkitt “makes PH IHHO \RXQJ DJDLQ ´

I’m outsourcing my hangover to India

6

The End of “Whites Only:� Kresge 1, Racism 200 years

by Nicole Green As part of their never-ending crusade towards equality, students at Kresge have set themselves up to smash through yet another color barrier: laundry. In a daringly progressive move, members of the college will no longer be sorting their dirty clothes by shade or hue. Instead, all laundry light and dark will be washed together in a single Load of Freedom. “What we’re asserting is that separation based on color is fundamentally wrong,â€? said Angela Saxon, representative of Students Together United in Publicly Instilling Diversity. In addition to going to the club and not needing ID, S.T.U.P.I.D. is responsible for initiating the “Freedom Loaderâ€? movement. Other Kresge students, not wanting to be left behind ont the trend, quickly followed suit. “We’re proud of our pink,â€? said one student, ZKR ZLVKHG WR EH LGHQWLÂżHG RQO\ DV &ORYHU in reference to the students’ formerly white apparel. “It’s like a symbol for integration. It’s a metaphor, man.â€? “And separate is, like, inherently unequal.

7KH 6XSUHPH &RXUW HYHQ VDLG VR ´ DGGHG KLV Prada-bag-carrying-yet-conspicuously-shoeless girlfriend. Indeed, pink does seem to be prevalent at Kresge. According to a recent campus poll, KRZHYHU WKH PDMRULW\ RU 8&6& VWXGHQWV QRWLFH ÂłQR VLJQLÂżFDQW FKDQJH´ LQ WKH DWWLUH RI VWXGHQWV at the college, with a mere 8% acknowledging a “somewhat more gayâ€? look. The forward-thinking movement has not FRPH ZLWKRXW EDFNODVK &ULWLFV RI WKH LGHD (re: “White Devilsâ€?) were met by a crowd of students holding hands and singing “We Shall Overcome,â€? as they tried to enter the laundry room with bleach in hand. “I’m not a racist,â€? quipped an obvious racist; “I just like to keep my whites white.â€? In an effort to speak to an actual person of color for this article, Kresge staked out for three days before a black (presumably lost) girl was spotted passing through. When pushed for commentary, she had this to say: “White people are fucking dumb.â€?

I seriously fucking hate UCSC sometimes.

Bus Outsourcing Expands, UCSC to Subcontract to Cabrillo by James Farmer

,Q D UHFHQW SUHVV FRQIHUHQFH 8&6& &KDQFHOORU *HRUJH 5 %OXPHQWKDO VSRNH DERXW KLV SODQ WR RXWVRXUFH PDQ\ RI 8& 6DQWD &UX]ÂśV UHVRXUFHV WR QHDUE\ &DEULOOR &RPPXQLW\ &ROOHJH “With the budget crisis at hand, we need to make sure all of the students here receive DQ DGHTXDWH XQLYHUVLW\ HGXFDWLRQ ´ %OXPHQWKDO VDLG Âł:RUNLQJ ZLWK &DEULOORÂśV 6XSHULQWHQGHQW %ULDQ .LQJ , WKLQN ZHÂśOO EH DEOH WR KHOS HDVH D ORW RI WKH ÂżQDQFLDO VWUHVV SXW RQ WKH 8& 6\VWHP DQG 0DUN <XGRI ´ %\ %OXPHQWKDO VD\V D IDLU SRUWLRQ RI 8& 6DQWD &UX]ÂśV FRXUVHV SURJUDPV GLQing facilities, and residential complexes will EH KHOG DW WKH &DEULOOR &ROOHJH ,W ZLOO EH VORZ DQG JUDGXDO SURFHVV EXW %OXPHQWKDO EHOLHYHV WKDW E\ )DOO &DEULOOR &RPPXQLW\ &ROOHJH ZLOO VXSSRUW DERXW KDOI WKH IDFLOLWLHV DW 8& 6DQWD &UX] %ULWWDQ\ &UDZIRUG D MXQLRU PDMRULQJ LQ )HPLQLVW 6WXGLHV DW 8&6& DOUHDG\ KDV VRPH RI KHU FODVVHV RXWVRXUFHG WR &DEULOOR &ROlege. Âł,W KHOOD VXFNV ´ %ULWWDQ\ VDLG Âł0\ XSper division Women’s literature class at &DEULOOR LV IXOO RI PLGGOH DJH ZRPHQ ZKR aren’t even that serious about the class. The one good thing about the class is that I don’t really need to try on my essays since the teacher isn’t there half the time. I guess its easy credits.â€? The required freshmen Porter core course, ‘Writing Across the Arts,’ is also be-

LQJ KHOG DW &DEULOOR &ROOHJH WKLV \HDU “I haven’t stepped on campus since orientation!â€? Porter freshmen Donald Trinidad VDLG Âł0\ GRUP URRP ZDV RXWVRXUFHG WR D KRXVLQJ SURMHFW ULJKW QH[W WR &DEULOOR DORQJ with my two other classes. It’s almost as if I’m enrolled there.â€? We asked Donald if he thought about GURSSLQJ RXW RI 8&6& DQG HQUROOLQJ DW &DEULOOR &ROOHJH Âł1R HPSOR\HU ZRXOG WDNH D FRPPXQLW\ FROOHJH HGXFDWLRQ VHULRXVO\ %XW since I am getting a community college education, I don’t know, I guess I’m supporting WKH 8& 6\VWHP"´ There have been many complaints that the outsourcing infringes on students’ university education. “We assure you, the eduFDWLRQ DW &DEULOOR &ROOHJH ZLOO EH MXVW DV DGHTXDWH DV DQ\ RWKHU FRXUVH DW 8& 6DQWD &UX] ´ DVVXUHG %OXPHQWKDO GXULQJ WKH SUHVV FRQIHUHQFH Âł,WÂśV D FROOHJH MXVW OLNH 8&6& Don’t even trip, kid.â€? $OWKRXJK 0DUN <XGRI KDV QRW UHOHDVHG DQ\ RIÂżFLDO VWDWHPHQW UHJDUGLQJ WKH UHFHQW FKDQJHV WR WKH 8& FDPSXV DQ DQ\QRPRXV VRXUFH FORVH WR WKH &KDQFHOORU DVVXUHG )5/ that “he’s totally down.â€? The source added that, “by intergrating the two universities, the 8&V FDQ ÂżQDOO\ DIIRUG WR IXQG WKH UKLQRSODVW\ that his wife has been nagging him for.â€? :H DVNHG %ULDQ .LQJ &DEULOOR &ROOHJH Superintendent, what his opinions were on WKH PDWWHU WR ZKLFK KH UHVSRQGHG Âł1R KDEOR InglĂŠs.â€?

Case of Murdered Cabinet Won’t Close, Dammit

by Eric Barger

It was a gruesome scene in a small strip of IRUHVW RXWVLGH RI &ROOHJH RQ 7KXUVGD\ DV D IHZ weird people who walk through the woods on their way to class stopped to observe. Scraps of wood, metal, and small hinges lay strewn across WKH IRUHVW Ă€RRU LQ ZKDW DSSHDUV WR EH D EUXWDO VODXJKWHU RI DQ LQQRFHQW RIÂżFH GHVN ,W ZDV YHU\ well covered up until the wreckage was discovered alongside a disheveled desk chair and what appears to be a doorknob. &ROOHJH 1LQH UHVLGHQW %ULDQ 6WRQHU DGPLWted to the crime. “Well, I had just smoked like 4 bowls, and I swear that cabinet was giving me sass,â€? Stoner said, brushing his long hair out of his eyes. I wasn’t about to take that, so me and my friends carried it out to the bridge and chucked it off. It was really funny, so we decided to throw a chair too.â€? %ULDQ OHW RXW D PDOLFLRXV FKXFNOH DQG VWDWHG that he does not feel remorseful for his actions,

The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

and will not be making a formal apology. When TXHVWLRQHG DERXW KLV SRVVLEOH IXUQLWXUH PDÂżD involvement, he had no comment. He was later VHHQ VWDJJHULQJ DERXW WKH &ROOHJH GLQLQJ KDOO carrying 12 chicken patties, 3 plates of fries, and a slice of pizza topped with ice cream. If you care about your furniture, it is advisable to keep your door locked and keep him away from your belongings. A few disgruntled construction workers were recently spotted rummaging through the scene, because, according to them, they didn’t want to “just leave crap lying aroundâ€?. When asked his thoughts upon seeing the wreckage, one construction worker had this to say: “Well, it’s kind of annoying, ‘cause I have to clean it XS EXW , JXHVV LWÂśV NLQGD IXQQ\ ´ &+3 KDV \HW to complete a formal investigation. %XW WKH UHDO KDUG KLWWLQJ HPRWLRQV FDPH IURP WKH VWXGHQWV RI &ROOHJH ZKR KDYH WR live with the knowledge that a fellow member

of their college is a murderer. Since the event, RQH VWXGHQW KDV DSSOLHG WR VZLWFK FROOHJH DI¿OLDWLRQV )UHVKPDQ 7RQ\ %RORJQD VWDWHG ³, ZDQW to switch because I’m a theater major, and Porter is more orientated towards the arts.� I personally suspect that he is lying, perhaps WR SURWHFW KLV IXUQLWXUH IURP %ULDQ DQG KLV IROlowers. When asked what he thought of the bruWDO PXUGHU RI %ULDQœV FDELQHW 7RQ\ VDLG ³:KR cares? It’s a desk, weirdo!� %ULDQ 6WRQHU KDV \HW WR UHFHLYH D VHQWHQFH for his crime, which makes this reporter seriously question the penal system of our county. While people like our academic advisors work hard to make our school a better place, people OLNH %ULDQ DUH DEOH WR UXQ IUHH ZLWKRXW UHFHLYing punishment for wrongdoing. It seems horULEOH EXW LQ WKH ZRUGV RI .DWK\ &RRQH\ VWXGHQW KRXVLQJ GLUHFWRU IRU 3RUWHU &ROOHJH ³, KDYH D lot of work to do, so you really need to leave me alone.�

Fact: George Washington Looks Pretty Racist

Cuisine Unseen By Darin Matsumoto

In an unprecedented turn of events, campus dining halls recently opted to exclusively serve invisible food. The decision to overhaul the current menu plays a role in the dining halls’ overarching goal of serving food that is environmentally mindful, ethically sound, and undetectable to the untrained human eye. However, not everyone is convinced. Dining hall representatives claim the food simply has a greater ability to bend light, and does not in any way affect the overall quality of the food. Some skeptics question the very existence of the food itself, but staff have assured the general public that “it’s totally there, seriously. Pinky promise.� Nevertheless, doubt and cynicism still remain among many students. “I don’t see what all the fuss is about,� Food Service Director Kelly Brewer said. “Invisible

food is just like any other food. Except you can’t see it. You can’t feel it either. Or taste it. Also, it GRHVQÂśW ÂżOO \RX XS ´ When questioned as to whether or not the recent changes in the dining hall hold any connection at all with the recent budget cuts, Brewer said, “maaaaaaaaybe.â€? To commemorate the occasion, screenings of the documentary Invisible Children will be playing during dinner at all dining halls this week. Aside from the title being a hilarious pun on the event, Invisible Children was also chosen in order to raise awareness about child abductions and civil war in Northern Uganda (both bad). Despite being the 978,198th campus screening RI WKH ÂżOP VLQFH RQH RU WZR SHRSOH DUH VWLOO kind of excited about the screenings.

McHenry Cuts Own Budget to Encourage Alcoholism By Charles Zuo University of California Santa Cruz’s libraries have experienced a sharp reduction in their EXGJHW IRU WKH VFKRRO \HDU +RZever, unlike many other programs that are being cut down, the library’s budget was not cut due to the economic crisis, but due to an attempt to encourage students to drink more. “For far too long other schools have overshadowed UCSC in college drinking. As you may know, our major rival is UCSB. And I’ll be damned if half our student class goes down to that shithole known as Isla Vista every Halloween. As a major academic institution in Cal-

ifornia, we felt it was necessary to do whatever it takes to encourage our students-especially those who are underage-to drink more.� Chancellor George Blumenthal said in a press conference. Most UCSC students only go out on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights, which is a pitiful three nights out of their seven day week that can be spent drinking. During the weekdays, students can be seen studying in libraries up until the early hours of the morning. This precious time that could be used on drinking and partying is instead spent on studying. The ad-

ministration believes that by closing the libraries earlier, students will study earlier in the day, and therefore have the time to go out and drink at night. “We’ll be watching for any increases in alcohol related deaths and accidents to know if our plan is working.â€? Blumenthal said. $OWKRXJK XQFRQÂżUPHG WKHUH DUH UXPRUV circulating amongst faculty members that hint that all Eight AM classes are being cancelled, allowing students to sleep in after a night of getting “hella fucked up.â€?

Desperate UCSC Frats Cross the Line By Sam Nixon

Cursed was the day I was forced to dock with the stalker frats. I was just sitting down to tea with Mick Jagger at three when this burly haired chap comes bundling in with a telephone on a serving tray. It was a frat demanding I postpone my affairs and come live in their house. God knows where it would have gone from there. Needless to say I hung up the telephone, but that wasn’t the end of it. THE FRATS HAD BEGUN STALKING ME! “Why, you rapscallion punk, have you and your cohort begun stalking me?â€? I demanded, holding the phone tighter then a Sigon whore. “Oh, uh, sorry dude. We thought you signed up at rush.â€? “Ah, you are mistaken, I had not!â€? I could see through their tactics! “Oh, uh, sorry dude. Well if you, like, change your mind or anything and wanna come check out the frat you can, like, come on by.â€? The very idea of revisiting the old college campus gave my old bone a tingle it hadn’t felt in years. I showed up at the address the lad had given me, but the horrors I saw inside gave me a turn I dare say I will soon forget. There were beer bottles strewn about everywhere! I was JUHHWHG E\ D EXWOHU ZKR LGHQWLÂżHG KLPVHOI DV WKH Servant of a Master Bateman, but said no more. He brought me into a very large room where everyone was in capes and wearing masks. THE STALKER FRATS WERE HAVING A MEETING!! And quicker then I could praise the queen, every last mother’s son was dropping their robes and pressing their genitalia together. THE

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Overheard in Santa Cruz Whatever happened to discreet conversation? We’ve got our ears on you. And you’ve got your mind in loud, perverted, irreverent, insightful, idiotic, and generally inappropriate gutters. Welcome to “Overheard in Santa Cruz.â€? “My father is Cherokee and my mother is African, so I’ve always felt pretty entitled.â€? Guy in Whole Foods, “He was fuckin’ hot... I don’t care if he was like I don’t care if he is 4 months old, he’s hot! He has these eyes that are just like... so dreamy.â€? Drunk Asian girl at party “When was the last time you saw a family of Native Americans just like chillin’ in a Red Lobster?â€? Jun’s Roomate, “I’m really into house music.â€? “Yeah, well I mostly like bounce house.â€? “Oh, yeah I’ve never heard of that. Outside a bomb club in SF, “If there was a really hot guy with a swastika on his chest, I wouldn’t care.’â€? Girl on the Bus “These muslim chicks are really hanging RQWR WKHLU Ă€DUH MHDQV DUHQÂśW WKH\"´ Cowell Quad “You guys, we can’t print ‘tramp,â€? it’s way too offensive.â€? CHP Brainstorm Session “I have this yogurt we could eat but I’m out of spoons, what are we going to do?â€? Dude trying to seduce a girl Girl 1: “Dude, cell phone service here sucks balls.â€? *LUO Âł<28 VXFN EDOOV ´ Girl 1: “No, I really don’t.â€? Crown Circle

STALKER FRATS WERE DOCKING!!! Then things got pretty hazy and I don’t remember anything so I must have gone to sleep or something‌ The next morning I awoke in some sorry chaps fresh petunias. I left him a shilling as an apology. But what of the stalker frats? I knew I had to get to the bottom of this. The story was breaking faster then shit from a dove. And boy was my ass sore! I returned to the address I had been the night before and inside heard my companions conversation. Âł2K PDQ WHOO KLP WR JR DZD\ ´ WKH ÂżUVW ODG ejaculated to my displeasure. “Yeah bro, it’s not funny anymore, I have a

hangover and um... wow, more beer!� was his friends response. I could make neither heads nor tails of it. The stalker frats raped me. They are carrying my unborn child and I have been imprisoned by the police against my will. If you or someone you know is in danger of being attacked (everyone is in danger) by the stalker frats and want information on how to protect yourself, send ¿IW\ GROODUV FKHFN RU PRQH\ RUGHU PDGH RXW WR Sam Nixon at Fish Rap Live. I will send you a fully illustrated brochure you and your children can’t live without. Only if we work together can we get Sam out of jail, stop the stalker frats, and be allowed to keep the children they make with our parts.

“Wait, she’s LIVING in the Czech republic? They like...don’t even speak English there!â€? BART Train “I liked puberty for the same reason I liked Gigli. I got to fuck afterwards.â€? HAVC Classroom Hear something stupid? HPDLO ÂżVKUDSOLYH#JPDLO FRP

The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

Dear Rum: I would like to take you on a nice date.

Celebrating FRL’s 21st: W “

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On my 21st birthday I was hurling my guts out. I could not stop puking. That was the night I found out I was pregnant, all over a Taco %HOO EDWKURRP ÀRRU

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I got up on the stage at a dive bar. I was drunk and sneezed while dancing. The drum set michrophone phone was turned on and right behind me. Everyone heard me sneeze-fart and went silent.

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The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

My boyfriend said he’d let me get whatever I wanted for my 21st birthday. I told him that I wanted to try anal sex. The pornos just make it seem so glamorous. That night, I told him to lay down blindfolded and I grabbed my Spice World vibrator- Ginger. Then I screamed GIRL POWER and screwed it up his butt. He was screaming really loud but it felt really tight so I didn’t stop.

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On my 21st birthday I was hurling my guts out. I could not stop puking. That was the night I found out I was pregnant, all over a Taco Bell bathURRP ÀRRU

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So, I kinda wanted to have a fun 2 WKDW ELJ RI D SDUWLHU $ ORW RI P\ IULH so I went to Safeway and got a sixtook it home and called anyone I kn EXV\ , ZDWFKHG $GXOW 6ZLP DQG GUD mom called me. I wasn’t that drunk PLQXWHV DERXW FKDUJHV RQ P\ 8& feel asleep at 9:45 pm, and woke up hangover, which was good because I

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My friends threw me a party, and just before midnight I lured my girlfriend into the bathroom for a little birthday action. I decided , KDG WR WDNH D VKLW ÂżUVW EXW DV VRRQ DV , VDW GRZQ , VWDUWHG SXNing. I turned 21 simultaneously puking my guts out and experiencing explosive diarrhea, while all my friends banged on the door siniging and making dirty jokes. Happy birthday to me.

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On my 21st, I was at a house party downtown. I was talking to a cute girl, and the night seemed to be going great, until I felt liquid hit the side of my face. I thought someone had a squirt gun or something, but then I look to my right DQG , VDZ VRPH FUD]\ ELWFK ZLWK KHU WLW ÀRSSHG RXW $SSDUently, she has just had a baby, and was like, mad lactating and hella drunk, so she was spraying milk everywhere. She tagged me and some other people before she shoved her boob back in her shirt. I thought it was pretty dope.�

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0\ room MXVW the clas start only the b ing t

Dear Rum: You make life almost bearable

War Stories and Battle Scars

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/DVW \HDU , KDG P\ ELUWKGD\ GXULQJ ¿QDOV ZHHN DQG couldn’t celebrate until exams were over. My friends had given me some adderall to deal but I had never taken it before. The thing about adderall is that you have WR FRQFHQWUDWH KDUG RQ ZKDWHYHU \RXœUH GRLQJ $ERXW a half an hour in I got distracted and started watching Mary Poppins. Next thing you know, I’m singing ExpiDOLGRFLRXV DQG , FDQœW VWRS ZDQNLQJ LW 0\ ¿QDO ZDV LQ 3KLORVRSK\ DQG 6WDU :DUV VR , VWLOO SDVVHG ZLWK À\LQJ colors. I’m doing my graduate studies at Hogwarts.

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I had accidental sex with my bro Ray. Those T.V. commercials are compete bullshit. What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, except are friendship‌ that ended in Vegas.�

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I stole some acid stained jeans from UO to comSOHWH P\ SRSSHG FROODU RXW¿W $IWHU ZRUN , KLW WKH WRZQ $IWHU OLNH -DJJHU ERPEV RWKHU EURV VWDUWHG getting more aggressive over the jeans. Two dudes at the bar caught my neck chain and the next thing I know I’m waking up on the side of I-5‌ without my jeans. Next year I’ll stick to tight pants that are tougher to take off.�

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I wanted a sweet new birthday haircut that would make people look over and think, “Oh, so that’s the birthday girl,â€? I decided to have my friend do it for me - drunk. I ZRQGHUHG ZK\ HYHU\RQH RQ WKH GDQFH Ă€RRU ZDVQÂśW VWDULQJ at me. I went to the pisser to check myself in the mirror. 7KDW ELWFK JDYH PH D ERE $ ZKROHVRPH VKRXOGHU OHQJWK PRP ERE :LWK 6,'(%$1*6 , KDYHQÂśW FDOOHG WKDW ELWFK VLQFH )ULHQGV GRQÂśW UXLQ HDFK RWKHUÂśV ELUWKGD\V

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WZHQW\ ¿UVW ZDV RQ D )ULGD\ , KDG &KHP $ LQ FODVVm unit 2. We had a quiz, but I wasn’t too upset. I was UHDG\ WR WXUQ LQ P\ TXL] DQG VWDUW WKH SDUW\ , ¿QLVKHG quiz as fast as I could. It was my 2nd time taking this ss so it wasn’t too hard. I grabbed my backpack and ted walking down the stairs. Well to be honest my foot y touched one step. I feel down the rest. When I got to bottom the professor told me thats what I get for speedthrough the quiz.

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On my 21st birthday we went down to Mexico to celebrate and I hooked up with VRPH ¿QH DVV MDLOEDLW :H ZHUH FOXEELQ and I was making it rain. She poured some tequila on her tits while I licked it off. Then this bitch has the nerve to pour some Whiskey on me. The liquor pours down my head and into my eyes. The alcohol singes and burns on contact with my SXSLOV 7KH ÀHVK RQ WKH ERWWRP RI P\ H\H lids is sealed shut

I wasn’t mad that she had a penis. I was mad that she had crabs. When I was asleep, the crabs moved up my body and took residence in the pits of my underarms.

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2Q P\ WZHQW\ ¿UVW ELUWKGD\ D IULHQG RI PLQH WKDW ,œYH KDG D crush on since middle school said he’d go on one date with me to prove that we would never be compatable. I lost a ton of weight and bought hundreds of dollars worth of clothes and make up. That night was supposed to be the biggest night of my life. We went out and got really drunk. Even though it was my birthday, he got drunker than I. He wanted to have sex, I didn’t think it was going to go there. He had a 3-inch dick, hard. I wasted that much of my life obsessing over 3 inches.

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I went to a tanning salon. It felt so warm and I drank so many gin and tonics that I woke up three hours later looking like a fucking eggplant, you know, the brown kind. My lips couldn’t touch alcohol, and it hurt to blink, dance, and breathe.

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21st, but I’m really not HQGV ZHUH RXW RI WRZQ -pack of Natural Ice. I new, but everyone was DQN WZR EHHUV ZKHQ P\ k, so I talked to her for &6& SRUWDO $IWHU WKDW , at 7 am. I didn’t have a I had work that day.

6R D PRQWK DJR , WXUQHG " 2Q WKH 6$0( GD\ WKHUH ZDV this rap battle I was tryna peep. But I wasn’t about to skip out on getting crunk and goin’ dumb. So at about 5:30, I was pre-gaming and getting dressed for this Cowell dance party. I had a new dope LRG shirt on, some Krew jeans, my Dunks, and a wrapped bandana under a dope Dogers cap. $PDQGD %\QHV ZDONV LQ DQG LV WDONLQJ DOO VRUWV RI PDG VKLW I kicked her dog and suddenly we are rap battl’in.

The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

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I’m too drunk for this

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Homeless Hipsters Establish Trust Fund

Drink for a Cure

Food, shelter, and American Apparel

by Victor Orozo

SANTA CRUZ, CA- A community of neu-wave faux-punk KRPHOHVV WHHQV RQ 3DFLÂżF $YH UHFHQWO\ VWDUWHG D WUXVW IXQG IRU “disadvantaged beggarsâ€? after Chad Scottswick III, a suburban teen runaway, was unable to shop at a modestly-priced clothing RXWÂżWWHU GRZQWRZQ Many witnessed as Scottswick III shopped at Crossroads, where he ultimately could not afford a belt buckle to match his Dolce & Gabbana shoes. “How can I panhandle without a cool spiked belt?â€? Scottswick said. “It’s almost as bad as the time some old geezer gave me a sandwich. I threw it back at him and asked for a dollar. I was almost out of weed!â€? A group of hipsters clad in leather jackets, who wished to remain anonymous because their well-off parents might come get them, interceded to happily pay for Chad’s belt buckle. “Of course I helped pay for his belt,â€? one hipster said. “We

UCLA MEDICAL CENTER- You may want to think twice before turning down that next round of beer or shots. Medical researchers have discovered that ingesting totally epic amounts of alcohol may not be as detrimental to your health as once believed. In fact, research indicates that alcohol does more good than harm in many cases and PD\ FXUH PDQ\ GLVHDVHV DQG DLOPHQWV WKDW KDYH EDIĂ€HG scientists in the past. While it is not new information that maintaining constant levels of alcohol in the blood stream helps relieve stress, improve mood, facilitate communication, decrease pain, and eliminate fear, scientists now say WKDW WKHVH EHQHÂżWV DUH RQO\ WKH VXUIDFH RI ZKDW DOFRKRO has to offer. “Most people just don’t drink alcohol frequently HQRXJK RU LQ VXIÂżFLHQW TXDQWLWLHV WR VHH WKH SRVLWLYH ORQJ WHUP HIIHFWV RI FRQVWDQWO\ EHLQJ XQGHU WKH LQĂ€XHQFH RI DOcohol,â€? says UCLA researcher Allen Kahhaul, “The techQLFDO WHUP LV Âľ7HVWLFXODU )RUWLWXGH 'HÂżFLHQF\Âś RU ÂľSXVV\LQJ out’ at it’s more commonly called.â€? As word has spread of this remarkable study, more and more hospitals have signed up to take part in clinical trials. Ordinary citizens, including many UCSC students, signed up in hordes to offer themselves up as guinea pigs LQ WKH UDFH WR ÂżQG D FXUH IRU $,'6 FDQFHU DQG HYHQ GHpression. “We’ve discovered an amazing level of success in getting patients to forget their troubles by getting completely shit-faced,â€? explains cognitive psychologist Debbie Underwood-Immerson, “the curative power of booze is simply phenomenal.â€? “I get wasted with my bros all the time just for the fuck of it,â€? said third-year Cowell student Tommy Wannabeej. “Why not drink for a cure and ease the suffering of many people at the same time? It just seems like the right thing to do. We’re like, helping people and shit.â€? Scientists hope to eventually cure every disease and disorder from cirrhosis to social awkwardness.

beggars need to stick together. If the Philosophy degree I got at UC Santa Cruz has taught me anything, it’s that dirty punk girls JLYH EHWWHU KHDG DIWHU ÂżOOLQJ XS RQ 7DFR %HOO ´ Another hipster, dressed in neon colored plaid, explained the necessity behind the trust fund: “Much like we support our local music scene by buying only from small business record stores and going to The Crepe Place every Thursday, we also must show support for our local alts, whom depend on us to remain fashionable and tragically hip. Hey, do you know if there’s a good WiFi hotspot around here?â€? The trust fund will act as a community chest for all the homeless music snobs that need more money to buy vinyl records, hair extensions, punk rock patches, beer, weed, and sloppy-looking haircuts. The trust is based at the Catalyst pizza window, where Scottswick III and his fellow homeless hipsters like to “dope chill.â€?

The Only Meaningful Four Years in Your Life: A Checklist Freshman

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Piss off of a balcony Hickey Fight Go to the meadow and try mushrooms Fuck up First Rain One night stand with an upperclassman (girls) Masturbate (guys) Wear purple pants Fuck with raccoons Buy Banana Slug condoms :DUGUREH E\ 8UEDQ 2XWÂżWWHUV Pledge CALPIRG Get care package from parents Miss parents and dog Deface hippie artwork Try to make a rope out of pudding Go to protest, forget what protest is about Occupy Humanities 2 Get maced, arrested Shower, wash clothes Smoke in Porter Cave Try to be informed by reading City on a Hill Press Give up reading CHP Buy UCSC hoodie Awkwardly attempt to hook up, get shot down Be sexually frustrated Do the “Oakesâ€? chant even though not in Oakes Go home for the weekend Go to a college night Go to class Join Fish Rap Live!

The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

Sophomore

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“Discover� Ratatat Rail adderall in McHenry Bathroom “Take a break� from pot Go to a rave/try ecstasy Same-sex experimentation Declare your major Make hippie artwork Stop receiving care packages Try to lose weight Spend book money on drugs First abortion Steal most of your wardrobe from American Apparel Take a Feminist Studies class. Take a year off Get lost in the upper campus Second abortion Get back in touch with friends from high school, wonder how/why they became such douchebags Get a shitty fake ID SoCal kids start using “hella� in normal conversation Go vegetarian Take road trip to Chico Marvel at wildlife on campus Listen to folk music Finish homework from Freshman year Agree with friends that the new Kings of Leon album is by far their best Go to Miami for spring break Spend spring break in a Miami jail Still get calls and emails from CALPIRG Join Fish Rap Live!

Senior

Junior

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Go to a party and try coke Cancel meal plan/starve/tell people it’s a hunger strike Fuck a freshman (guys) Fuck other upperclassman (girls) Change your major Rip off Freshmen who buy shrooms from you 8VH 0FKHQU\ IRU ¿UVW WLPH Discover what ERES means Go to Pergolesi Realize being gay is kinda gay Start compost pile Use expired Banana Slug Condom First orgy Go Abroad Convince freshmen to occupy Humanities 2 Climb Tree 9 Lose shitty fake ID, get a better fake ID Go vegan Try reading City on a Hill Press DJDLQ ¿QG WKDW LW VWLOO VXFNV Be a TA Catch and eat a deer 2YHUGRVH IRU WKH ¿UVW WLPH Find a hot boyfriend during study abroad Get phone call from parents, forget to call them back Throw up in Cafe Revolution Go to Iraq Date Grant Golland, join his new band Join Fish Rap Live!

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Go to the Kresge Trailer Park and try meth Convince freshman to piss off balconies Finally get off CALPIRG’s call list Your major gets cut Wardrobe by Goodwill Buy a farm Drop out First visit to bars Realize SC bars suck Quarter life crisis Take all classes Pass/No Pass Spend book money on books Run out of Grandparents “Discoverâ€? Merrill Fall out of Tree 9 Shower, wash clothes Get actual ID Go back to eating meat Get alcohol poisoning Get dumped by study abroad boyfriend Ponder meaning of life Become enlightened and learned Become very smug Call parents back Become a Wiccan Finally get into Psych and Religion, realize that it’s not all it’s cracked up to be Go back to Oakes, realize that the jokes really aren’t that funny after all Get mugged at Oakes Join the Taliban 9LFWRU\ /DS ÂżIWK \HDU

I Already Hate Being An American.

Who would you rather fuck, Mary Poppins or Maria from The Sound of Music?

by Philippa Todhunter

I

should explain; I’m a British EAP student. I knocked heads with my fellow Brits this week and we all came to the conclusion WKDW ZH ORYH WR ¿QG WKLQJV WR PRDQ DERXW a gift I’m rather shamelessly proud of. When participating in an opportunity to study abroad in a new country and culture, I probably should be focusing on what a great time I’m having and how wonderful this is. But I’m not. No, I spend a large part of my time ranting about all the things that are pissing me off about EAP and America. Don’t get me wrong, I like America, I do American Studies; I’m on your side. But there are some things about this country and living here that I have found somewhat ridiculous. And with a level of xenophobia only a true Brit could demonstrate, I am not too modest to tell you about them. Bad Advice. Like when I was told not to bother packing any jackets or jumpers or socks; I’m moving to the Sunshine State, what will I need those for? I can’t remember who told me this, but when I’m walking back from the dining hall in a state I can only describe as arctic, I think to myself that if I met them now I’d kick them in the shins and steal their coat. Or all those people who assured me they’d been to California and San Francisco is honestly only an hour away from Santa Cruz I can go all the time. Perhaps this would be the case if I had a car...or a license. Perhaps the most misguided advice was that I should live in the Village. The Village summons a variety of responses, some good and some rather more decidedly bad. It’s a great place to live if you’ve already made your friends, you want that on campus/off campus experience or you love a good quarry. But for an EAP, fresh from a hustling bustling city, far from home and looking for that American college experience, it’s not that brilliant. And \RX PD\ ¿QG \RXUVHOI PDNLQJ D WHDU\ SKRQH FDOO to your mum, waking her up at 5 in the morning wailing about how you’re lonely and depressed

and seriously considering slamming your face in your housemate’s George Foreman grill. Or you may just move up to campus. I, funnily enough, did both. Your visa. It’s an EAP’s best friend and the child they never want to have. You went through so much to get it, you spent so much money on it, you followed it every step of the way and if you lose it, well, you’re fucked. You wake up at two in the morning in a cold sweat, VFUDPEOH DURXQG \RXU URRP ¿QG \RXU SDVVSRUW

and phew it’s ok, your visa’s alive and well. But then you have to worry if it’s ok, is it valid? Perhaps it’s valid but what about my status? If I want to go on that trip to Mexico, can I? I don’t really want to go to Canada, but it’d be nice to have the option. When I go out, despite having my trusty English learner driving license, some people would like a little more proof that I am who I actually am. They don’t want a library card or my blockbuster card or even my Beanie Baby Platinum membership ID, they want my passport. I try to explain; I’ve got a Visa, I can’t be taking my passport out on the town willy-nilly, I’ve responsibilities now. Like some teenage girl who got knocked up early in life, I resent my visa and the way that out of sheer fear I have to do what’s best for it. Basically I’m trapped in America for ten months. Just me and my visa. Smoking. I’m a smoker; controversial, I know. On arriving in this kooky little town I read in the Santa Cruz Weekly that citizens were calling for a ban on smoking RQ 3DFL¿F $YHQXH DQG WKH Beach. This doesn’t bode too well, I thought. I’m used to a country where it’s a shame if you smoke but we’ll give you a nice area to do it with some seats and perhaps even a heater. But I set off XQGDXQWHG GRZQ 3DFL¿F $YHQXH EUDYHO\ SXI¿QJ away. I was playing a dangerous game but not for the reasons I thought. It seems I couldn’t walk down this street without twenty people asking me if I had a spare cigarette. Well, you wouldn’t get this crap in England. These people weren’t tramps looking for a way to pass the dreary dregs of time, these people owned bikes and bank accounts and were perfectly capable of buying their own pack. I’m not the Scrooge of cigarettes, I know it’s good to share, but sometimes it’s just pure laziness on the part of these nicotine scroungers. And a lot of them are either women or unattractive and I won’t lie; it swings in your favour if you’re hot and a man. The point is I don’t want a dollar or a lighter RU \RXU ¿UVW ERUQ VRQ in exchange for one of my nictoine-rich wondersticks; I want you to grow a pair and buy your own fucking cigarettes. Ok, rant over. Secret Tax. This is when I go shopping and , ¿QG VRPHWKLQJ , ZDQW WR EX\ , VSHQG ¿YH minutes converting it into pounds and thanks to that exchange rate it’s always a bargain. I decide to buy it, I mean I’m practically on holiday, why not treat myself? I get to the sales desk and it actually costs a great deal more than it said it did. I can’t endure the embarrassment of telling them I’ve changed my mind, I don’t want them

to think I’m stupid by asking them what’s happened to the price, so I pay it in a haze of confusion and panic with the unsettling feeling I’ve been ripped off or just aquiesed to daylight robbery. It’s that secret tax, that sneaky tax, that evil, pointless tax you Americans add on everything. I don’t want to get up on my British high horse, I don’t want to come over here and say you’re doing it all wrong and you should do it our way, this isn’t 1607 and I’m not a Puritan. But in Britain, it’s already added on. There are no nasty surprises, no almost bargains snatched

away from you. Brits tell it how it is, when it comes to tax. Deportation. The silent threat hanging over every EAP. If you don’t enroll properly in your classes. Deported. If you get caught underage drinking or having a puff on a weed pipe or causing a ruckus at the Mexican border. Deported. If you cross the road at an undesignated crossing or spit on an American Ă€DJ 'HSRUWHG 'HSRUWDWLRQ LW ZHLJKV KHDY\ on our shoulders. Nobody wants to be THAT person, and as the girl who is always THAT person, I can say this with authority. Booze. Being just a year shy of the legal drinking age, I feel like a gap year student in a Thai prison; robbed of all my fundemental human rights when I was supposed to be having fun on holiday. Being an active drinker IRU ÂżYH \HDUV DQG D ELQJH GULQNHU DQG DFWXDO grown-up for two, having to slyly slip my 21 year old friend ten dollars outside CVS to get me wine, like a smack addict buying gear, is tragic. Then having to decant said wine into a plastic bottle to avoid trouble is frankly beneath me. No wonder you lot smoke so much weed. Sometimes the only thing that will do the trick, help me unwind and feel all mellow and happy is a trip to the pub for a fair amount of gin and tonic. Am I wrong to think I deserve this? What am I, if not just a visiting Brit hankering for the basic human rights I have back in old Blighty? Oh yeah, an alcoholic. Thanks for reminding me, America. So there you go America, I love you; now change. Oh, just joshing. Santa Cruz is ace, you’ve got trees, a beach, weed, a rollercoaster and everyone says hi to you. What’s not to love? Although I think if one more person asks me to say “Hogwartsâ€?, I might just feed my visa to a racoon and get myself deported.

EAP Is Really Shaping Me as an Individual: A Column from Abroad

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Hey there, blogosphere! I’m so glad that I got this awesome blog and column to keep all my family and friends updated on all the cool things that are happening to me while I’m studying abroad! I really miss everyone from home, but I’m already having an amazing time in London! Being away from home is pretty rough, so it’s always good to be able to video chat with my mom. The time GLIIHUHQFH FDQ PDNH WKLQJV NLQG RI GLIÂżFXOW though! LOL! Going abroad is so much different from going away to college, though. I feel like I’m more on my own and I have to spend all this time using my brain to convert things into pounds. And oh my god you guys, it’s so expensive here!!! I had no idea that I was going to be spending so much of those savings that I accumulated from working at &KXFN ( &KHHVH DOO VXPPHU %XW , ÂżJXUH that I really SHOULD spend that money on meaningful things like beer and eiffel tower keychains. Now that I’m all out on my own, I feel like I’m growing up so fast, but it’s okay. I’m learning more about myself than I’m learning from my classes, and its just so god damn beautiful it makes me want to cry. I don’t feel like a kid anymore, and it’s so meaningful to be responsible for myself . So last week, I took this little trip to Amsterdam and it was so cool, you guys! You should have seen the red light district, because there were like... hookers and things out there! It was like a scene from a movie! LOL! They also actually do sell pot snacks there, can you believe it? I mean, nothing beats the brownies we make in Santa Cruz, but this thing was actually pretty good and it got me and my new British friends pretty high for a couple hours! Next week we’re going to spend the weekend in Dublin and I can’t wait! I bet it’s going to be really cool to drink a Guiness in Ireland, even though I don’t usually like Guinness that much. It just sort of seems like something you should do. All of this travelling is making me really worldly, you guys. Sometimes, people from France come to London and I hear them speak French and I just like... know that I’m always going to remember this time for the rest of my life. And I know that the people here don’t just see me as a tourist, either. Sometimes they make fun of my accent and it hurts my feelings a little, but most of the time it’s pretty funny so I don’t mind. I actually forgot that I have to go to classes here! LOL! I guess they’re not kidding when they say you’re “STUDYINGâ€? abroad. LOL! I guess that classes are going to be pretty chill too, but I doubt that they’re going to be as educational as the time I’ve already spent learning about myself and the world. This whole experience is so amazing and I’m just so thankful for everything that I have and all the beer that I’m going to drink. Or as they say here, all the “pintsâ€? that I’m going to drink! LOL! Oh and hey you guys, don’t you love this picture of me from when I went WR JR VHH %LJ %HQ IRU WKH ÂżUVW WLPH" ,W WXUQV out that it’s mostly just a clock, but it was still cool. Okay, time to go out for a pub crawl, love you and miss you a lot!

The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

FULL BLOWN AIDS

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POP QUIZ: WHAT DRUGS SHOULD YOU BE DOING? 1. What’s your favorite color? a. Dank b. Anything with glitter c. Gasoline-on-water Rainbow d. Green 2. You can’t live without your… a. Family Guy collection, black light posters, XBOX 360 b. Hairspray, glow sticks, pocket mirror c. Cardboard sign, needle exchange, Blue Rasperry Slurpee d. What do you mean ‘can’t live without?’ Are you trying to sell me something? 3. Which of these is your favorite smell? a. Patchouli b. Sweat c. Fried Chicken d. Money 4. It’s Saturday night. Where are you? a. Wherever my aura tells me to go. That’s usually a frat party. b. At the club with my girls, durrrrrr! c. I don’t give a shit what day it is I need a fucking hit! d. At a kegger, but I’ll sneak off before they ask for donations.

5. What’s in your fridge? a. Beer and Taquitos b. Don’t remember c. A bottle of AIDS medicine next to my son’s eyeballs d. My Bargain Barn fridge doesn’t work anymore

Mostly A... Weed and psychedelics! You enjoy chilling with your buds. If you haven’t already, what started as a healthy ganja habit will soon escalate into full-blown psychonautery. You’ll be shrooming and frying so much, it’ll be possible to tune out your roommate saying “Turn off the King Crimson and wash your fucking dishes!”

6. Who has suffered because of you? a. Innocent hiker in Humboldt b. Starving Columbian child c. Your best friend after you got him hooked on smack d. Aw HELL NO, you’re trying to make me join your cause. I don’t have that kind of money!

Mostly B... Cocaine and Raver Drugs! You love to party and your Facebook ‘about me’ says so! You’re happy all the time until the comedown, but don’t worry, you can always suck some dick for more. You’re not afraid to put yourself out there and you know Special K is more than just a cereal.

7. You’re guilty of: a. Selling weed/shrooms to middle school kids b. Prostitution c. Murder d. Stealing a tip jar 8. How do you prioritize? a. Food, drugs, sex. b. Drugs, sex, drugs. c. Drugs, drugs, drugs. d. Pass

Mostly C... Ghetto Drugs! Shiiiit! Your friends are jealous of your street smarts, and that’s the real reason they’ve all deserted you. You’re likely to be found on a street corner with a cardboard sign smoking a joint dipped in PCP, and you can’t remember which boyfriend gave you what kid.

Mostly D... Economical Drugs! Alright Frugal Frannie, since you couldn’t pull a few lousy bills out of your cheap ass to spend on real drugs, you might as well pull some shit out and smoke that. No really I’m serious, I heard you can trip mad balls if you let it ferment and huff the methane. If you’re too chickenshit, I hear sniffing spray paint isn’t just for 12-year-olds from Barstow anymore.

HEY KIDS!!!

How Many Dicks Are In This Dick?

Answer: 69, 420, 69

The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

Take It, Bitch! Cpt. Whiskey Dick

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Sex advice for the deviant, vanilla, and just plain bored.

Meet Your Columnists

The Prof.: The Prof. is a contributing UC Santa Cruz professor who, like Batman, intends to keep his true identity secret. His published works concern the ethical conundrums of this hypersexualized 21st century, and include such titles as “You’re Jerking Me Off: Truth in the Bedroom.â€? Daisy Deep Throat: Named best International Blow Jobber of the year in 2006, Daisy now gives classes and is paid $5,000 per blow job. She received her dominatrix degree from UC Santa Cruz back in 1969 when it was still a major. Mike Doppelgagger: Mike has a bazillion doctorates in ten difIHUHQW ÂżHOGV RI VH[XDO VWXGLHV +H LV EHVW NQRZQ IRU KLV Âł6DIH Sexâ€? PSAs in Africa. St Bambi: Bambi was an obscure child star, now turned stripper. She’s an expert fetishist and blooming fantasy-porn star. Take It Bitch Presents: Cyberdildonics “Oh! Oh, that feels so good!â€? “Yeah, you like that?â€? *click* “Oh! Yes!â€? *click, click* “Harder!â€? “Anything you want, baby.â€? *click, click* “I thought I said harder!â€? “Yeah, sorry, babe. Lag.â€? “Why’d you stop!?â€? “Shit. The ping is terrible.â€? “What are you--?â€? “It’s frozen... Hold on.â€? Dear UCSC Sluts, As more human interactions are replaced with Social Networks and virtual alternatives, what will become of the most primal connections between the evolved human animal? Teledildonics, or cyberdildonics, is the practice of sensually stimulating a partner through the wires, be it across the world wide web, or MXVW D IHZ E\WHV WR D KRWWLH RQ WKH RIÂżFH /$1 2Q RQH HQG RI this exchange, hardware extensions to your computer allow for D SK\VLFDO JHQLWDO LQWHUIDFH 86% YLEUDWRUV ÂżUHZLUH Ă€HVKOLJKWV even wireless bluetooth sex toys that can ‘talk’ to your phone, receiving instructions on how to buzz, throb or thrust. The other side is the virtual operator, equipped with the software that allows her to click a button and tell that toy to turn on; she has sliders for vibration intensity, and a dial for frequency of undulation. While the earliest, most rudimentary set ups were a few lines of code permitting remote operation of a CD tray with a dildo duct-taped to it, we can expect some serious advancements to increase the convenience and, well, sexiness. If we can overcome our heebie jeebies at the thought of plugging our junk into DQ L0DF ZKDW F\EHU VHQVXDO GRRUV ZLOO ZH ÂżQG RSHQ IRU XV" You can imagine the wonders this technology can do for a long distance relationship, giving the star-crossed lovers a chance to cross their wires. There’re also bound to be opportunities to increase tactile force-feedback in computer and video games yeah, you remember your rumble pack. And ladies, what if you could play Halo directly with your own sticky grenade? Now that we’re all online, it’s time to admit the boundary between web-geek and prettyboymotherfucker has become a little blurred - so I expect great turnout at this weekend’s LAN party. Bring Your Own Computer, but we’ve got all the Mountain Dew, and the Astroglide. Love, Your Sexperts The Take It Bitch Crew

Dear T.I.B., I masturbate too loud. My whole apartment can hear it. I can’t help it! I just love to scream and moan and a lot of times I throw my limbs into the wall and wake up the neighbors. Help! -Santa Cruz Slut

Prof: Hey, you have to realize we all live by a social contract, and RXU EHKDYLRU VKRXOG UHĂ€HFW WKDW LWÂśV LQGHFHQW WR KDYH WKDW PXFK fun within earshot of bored neighbors. Invite them over! Daisy: Yeah! You could organize a group sex hour so everyone feels included. Or if you’d rather masturbate in private, maybe \RX FRXOG ÂżQG D WUHH GHHS LQ WKH IRUHVW DQG KLGH \RXU YLEUDWRU DQG some lube under ground. Dig a hole and place your goodies in a metal box. That’s some good old fashioned privacy! Mike: May I suggest a gag? If you like to kick and scream, next step is to go back to your childhood and simulate a rape. You can scream more and your neighbors will never hear! Daisy: You simulated rape as a child? I guess I can relate... Ken would always rape Barbie in her mansion. Bambi: Have you considered becoming a wino so that you don’t have enough conscious time to masturbate? This way you’re countering your addiction to sex with an addiction to alcohol. Your neighbors will thank you. Daisy: But what if alcohol just makes you even hornier? Prof: It all comes back to expanding participation! Bambi: Oh Daisy, drink enough and you will never need anything or anyone ever again. Just ask my uncles. Dear Take it Bitch., How do I make my cum taste better? My girlfriend says it tastes like shit and I want it to taste good for her delicate mouth -Mouthful in Merrill Daisy: Well there is substantial evidence that pineapple juice KHOSV FXP WDVWH EHWWHU 'LHW LV WKH ELJJHVW LQĂ€XHQFH RQ WDVWH ,I you eat red meat and smoke cigarettes, you may want to revamp your eating agenda. The best advice is to become a vegetarian, Prof: Yeah, yeah. Cum tastes like cum. If it actually tastes like shit, you might have a serious health issue - consult a physician. If that’s not something she’s prepared to handle, she can go back to sucking on Häagen-Dazs. Hm... That’s a good idea. Have her bring one for you, too. Mike: Spit not Swallow!!! Daisy: You still taste it if you spit. I know from experience. Perhaps it’s time to opt out of going to the dining hall. Bambi: If your girlfriend has such a “delicate mouthâ€? then why is VKH EORZLQJ \RX LQ WKH ÂżUVW SODFH" (YHU\ERG\ NQRZV WKDW 3 MXLFH isn’t pudding, but it sure doesn’t taste like shit! Sounds like your JI HLWKHU RQFH KDG D EI ZKR FDPH VXJDU ZDWHU RU WKLV LV KHU ÂżUVW time tasting the paste. She’s just disillusioned... Give her time. Dear Take It., I’m really into my girlfriend. When I am in class, or out with friends, I can’t stop thinking about her. But when we slide between the sheets, my mind goes elsewhere - in fact, I can’t stop thinking about this girl from high school I fucked once. I haven’t spoken to her in 4 years, but my mind keeps going back to her... -Cowell Carpet Muncher Prof: There might be something about the way you and your girl are going at it that’s triggering memories. Try something completely different, like a position you can’t possibly have a memory of with your high school fuck. Or just get over yourself. Daisy: Perhaps this high school girl did something that really turned your crank that you aren’t doing with the girlfriend. Did she lick your balls? Bite your nipples? Tell her what your into. Mike: Fuck them both!!! Bambi: Boring. Prof: Mike is right. You should ask your lady if a mĂŠnage Ă trois might be in the cards, then Facebook the shit outta that girl, and invite her up to campus for a weekend. Daisy: Great idea, Professor. Invite her when there is a full moon, so if she rejects you, you can blame it on the werewolves.

%DPEL -XVW WDON WR WKH ROG Ă€DPH PDNH WKLQJV DZNZDUG IRU HYeryone, then move on. If that doesn’t work, then give up and turn gay. Dear TIBs., I thought at Santa Cruz, I could really be weird. But none of the drunk guys I’ve hooked up with can handle my fetish! See, I really love belly buttons. I love to stick my tongue in them. I especially like it when he thrusts his dick right into my button. , GRQÂśW NQRZ KRZ WR ÂżQG VRPHRQH ZKR LV ZLOOLQJ WR GR WKLV , really don’t think it’s too much to ask. -Kinky in Kresge 'DLV\ 3HUKDSV WKLV LV D IHWLVK \RX VKRXOG QRW GLVFORVH RQ WKH ÂżUVW drunken hookup. Take baby steps. Tell him if he does this for \RX \RX ZLOO IXOÂżOO RQH RI KLV IDQWDVLHV LQ UHWXUQ Prof: Also, I would be cautious of applying too much force on your navel - a little pain can be pleasure, but a hernia is probably your nightmare! Mike: Maybe start off the conversation with “you know what HOVH LV GHHS"´ DQG FRQWLQXH IURP WKHUH 7KDW RU PD\EH IXOÂżOO RQH RI KLV IDQWDVLHV ÂżUVW DQG JXLOW KLP LQWR LW Bambi: If they’re not into it, then fuck’em! Make a glory in the bathroom. Get your belly button ready, and he won’t ever know. Dear Ti Bitch., I loved a past article in Fish Rap Live! on places to masturbate on campus - do you have a list of locations where two people can wet hump? -Can’t Climax in Crown Daisy: Anywhere and everywhere. Prof: Frankly, if you’re up to it, you could draw a decent crowd at the meadow behind Kresge Proper. Daisy: That sounds hot. Meet me there? (What about group sex?) Bambi: Really, the best place to “humpâ€? on campus would probably be in a handicap shower. It has a bench and the hottest water in any dorm. Perfect for handi-humpers, people who are sexually attracted to the physically handicapped. Daisy: Count me in. 0LNH 7KDWÂśV JURVV , ZRXOG QHYHU GR WKDW (VSHFLDOO\ QRW DW WKH Squiggle! Daisy: Fucking on the Squiggle is totally my fantasy. Bambi: Another good place to fuck, which my roommate turned PH RQ WR 0< %(' ,ÂśP NLGGLQJ DERXW LW EHLQJ D JRRG SODFH WR fuck. Please don’t fuck in my bed. Daisy: Already done. Dear T-I-B., I’ve overheard my grandmother talking about anal penetration. 6KH LV VL[W\ ÂżYH \HDUV ROG ,ÂśP FRQFHUQHG LV LW ZLVH IRU KHU DVV to stretch that much at her age? -Gotta Naughty Nanna Mike: Well, I don’t see why not. The problem would be that the anus may not return to its original state. Hey but that might get rid of her constipation problems. Daisy: You only live once and she’s getting older. Prof: Also, at her age, she can probably have her doctor administer an enema at the drop of a hat. Cleanliness is next to godliness. And godless rear-entry copulation. Bambi: I believe that there is a Greek word that means “man whose asshole is so stretched that the shit just falls out.â€? That could always happen. But if she’s never done it before, then her asshole is probably as tight as anyone else’s...right? Old people lose the elasticity in their skin....but what about in their ass? Maybe we should interview a senior citizen about this matter.

Got sex questions? Support your local sexperts and write to Take it Bitch! sluttymcfuqfuq@gmail.com The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

Stop pooping in my wine

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Roman Polanksi VANDAVEER: LIKE VETIVER BUT BETTERER Remastered On September 26th, 2009, critically-acclaimed director Roman Polanski was arrested on charges of unlawful sexual intercourse with a minor. As part of a fundraising effort to help cover Polanski’s legal fees, VHYHUDO RI KLV PRUH IDPRXV ¿OPV KDYH EHHQ digitally remastered and re-released.

ROSEMARY’S BABY (1968) The classic “Oops, I’m having the Devil’s babyâ€? epic. Starring Mia Farrow as RosePDU\ WKH ÂżOP FRQIURQWV WKH WLPHOHVV FRQĂ€LFW between the joys of motherhood and Satanic UDSH :KLOH LQ WKH RULJLQDO ÂżOP /XFLIHU RQO\ raped Rosemary, in a controversial decision the studio has decided to have the Prince of Darkness rape her baby as well. With two rapes for the price of one, this new release is not to be missed.

CHINATOWN (1974) A classic period piece, this gritty neo-noir depiction of the struggle for water in Depression-era Southern California features Jack Nicholson. The viewer watches in titillated horror as the big, mean Water Company throws down the verdant, supple Owens Valley and plows her for water. Despite the screams of protest from the residents of the fertile valley, the Water Company keeps on SXPSLQJ 7KLV ¿OP DOVR PDUNV WKH EHJLQQLQJ of a long personal relationship between Polanski and Nicholson, and Jack was always willing to invite Polanski to his apartment for some drugged sex with a young girl. No really this is true, Polanski raped that girl at Jack Nicholson’s bachelor pad.

THE PIANIST (2002) 2QH RI 3RODQVNLÂśV ODWHU ÂżOPV WKLV DZDUG winner is set in WWII-era Poland. Adrian %URG\ SOD\V D KDUG WR ÂżQG 3LDQLVW ZKR HVcapes the Nazis at every turn, using his quick ZLWV DQG ORQJ GHOLFDWH SLDQLVW ÂżQJHUV :LWK WKH UHOHDVH RI DUFKLYDO IRRWDJH WKLV ÂżOP FDQ ÂżQDOO\ EH VHHQ WKH ZD\ LW ZDV PHDQW WR EH New scenes show a meeting where Hitler directs a young Charles Manson to go forth DQG ÂľNLOO 6KDURQ 7DWHÂś ,Q WKH ÂżOPÂśV VKRFNLQJ new climax, Brody rapes his way to freedom by attacking a young German wench, because when it comes to raping Nazis, nein means ja.

The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

by James Shea So, Erin handed me this CD called “Divide & Conquerâ€? and told me WR UHYLHZ LW $W ÂżUVW , WKRXJKW VKH ZDV MRNLQJ EHFDXVH LW VRXQGHG OLNH LW was just an album of her tuning a guitar for 50 minutes. Then she told me that apparently people send us albums to review all the time, and told me to mention that in the article in case others wanted to send theirs in to The )LVK 5DS /LYH +LJK 6W 6DQWD &UX] &$ , JXHVV , VKRXOGÂśYH realized it was a real group; the album art screamed “coming soon to a 17-year-old’s lower back.â€? Vandaveer, an alt-folk group pretending to be from DC, sent us their 2nd album in what I assume was an attempt at creating buzz for their Nov. 11 show at the Crepe Place. While I encourage you all to go, I suggest you buy and throw crepes the second Mark Charles Heidinger and creepily Ă€DW IDFHG EDFN XS YRFDOLVW 5RVH *XHULQ WDNH WKH VWDJH The album begins with the titular “Divide & Conquer,â€? a powerhouse of an opening track that had me googling to see if Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger had a new side-project. Doing his best Bob Dylan impersonator impression, vocalist Mark Charles Heidinger wavers between muttering his lines like a homeless man with mild-grade autism, and exerting WKH HIIRUW WR RYHU HQXQFLDWH VXFK SRLQW 6$7 ZRUGV DV Âł/HYLDWKDQ´ “Canvassedâ€? and, I swear to god he actually uses this, “Machiavellianâ€?. Hey, let’s take a break to quote stupid phrases copiously from the press release: “swiftly entered this great big dusty worldâ€?, “his dear friends in

DC’s ramshackle collectiveâ€?, “Vandaveeringâ€?, “fraternize and conspire with other music-making hooligansâ€?, “the loveliest harmonies this side of Eden.â€? Honestly they could’ve saved time and money by just printing the words “I’m really into The Decemberists and the works of F. Scott Fitzgeraldâ€? in 42 pt Courier New font and slapping a picture of a coollooking snake in the corner. The actual instrumentation is everything that has made folk the genre of choice for underclassmen whose primary hobbies include “having D NLFNEDFN´ DQG ÂłZHDULQJ Ă€DQQHO ´ ,Q RWKHU ZRUGV LWÂśV WHQ WUDFNV RI meandering repetition masked by a wall of sound courtesy the band’s fetishistic collection of quirky but endearing instruments. /HWÂśV WDNH DQRWKHU EUHDN WR EORFN TXRWH +HLQGLQJHUÂśV FRQWULEXWLRQV “vocals, acoustic & electric guitar, piano, bass guitar, organ, glockenspiel, microkorg, percussion, toy piano melodica.â€? Now let’s look at what Rose offers: “vocals.â€? Way to pull your weight Rose, Mark Charles is a one-man Architecture in Helsinki and alls you can offer up is staggering in every now and then to echo bullshit like “a savior won’t save when commandedâ€? and “I doused my heart with turpentine.â€? If Heidinger is the band’s “tunesmithâ€? you’re the chick banging on a triangle in 3rd grade choir class. I really liked the stamps you guys used though. A+ on postage selection Vandaveer. Next time, try to exert the same level of effort on your music.

WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING?: What musician’s dick do you want?

“Miley Cyrus� Emmy Ballard Knows all the lyrics to ‘Party in the USA’

“Bob Marley� Gavin Morgan Doesn’t know he’s dead

“Insane Clown Posse� James Shea Down with the Clown

“Elton John� Nicole Green Doesn’t know he’s gay

LOVEFEST 2009: A MEMOIR IN VOMIT

by Danielle Enns Maybe it was because I was relatively sober, or maybe it was because no one truly enjoys pushing through hundreds of thousands of people on ecstasy who, innocently enough, MXVW ZDQW WR FRS D IHHO HLWKHU ZD\ /RYH )HVW sucked. I had been looking forward to the event P\ ÂżUVW IRU PRQWKV DQG GHVSLWH WKH QHZ cover charge, I braved BART and took a ride to San Francisco’s civic center on that sunny October afternoon. I was greeted by thousands crowded around the train station watching the parade, with no idea as to what lay in store for PH EHKLQG WKH JDWHV RI /RY(YROXWLRQ /XFNLO\ , made it past security, who weren’t allowing any form of open drink container into the premises. It’s a sad day when you have to watch many a stoned hippie decide between a street festival and their previous camelback, while girls all around chug whatever is left in their unmarked water bottles. Once inside, my friends and I decided to explore the premises. A bad idea, considering we had to push our way through 80,000 attendees peaking on whatever drug they had ingested about an hour prior. There’s nothing better than listening to swarms of people grind their teeth to techno beats that can only be described as “phat,â€? except, maybe, watching those same people slowly strip for you while their hips thrust upward at an alarming rate. I was moved, to say the least. Although there were some pretty sick Ă€RDWV DQG JUHDW '-V VDGO\ WKH\ ZHUH QRW enough to counteract the upsetting number of high schoolers dancing in their P.E. shorts. Really, guys? They could have at least put on

some American Apparel like everyone else. Thankfully, I soon succumbed to the beat and got down and funky like God intended. Drunk bitches everywhere clad head to toe LQ UHÀHFWLYH VSDQGH[ JRW WKHLU JURRYH RQ ZKLOH the guys, all too eager to get freaky, grinded their hearts out. It must have been a touching scene for all of the unshaved middle-aged men LQ ÀHHFH MDFNHWV WKDW KDG WKHLU GLFNV KDQJLQJ out. By the time I had made an entire lap around the damn Civic Center, I was hungry. I had two RSWLRQV VKHOO RXW ¿YH GROODUV IRU D WKUHH IRRW long barbecued meat skewer or starve. I chose the former, with a four-dollar bottle of water on the side. By the time my food had settled, I was ready to leave. Part of me is happy that I chose

to stay a little longer, or I would have missed the JLUOV IURP P\ KLJK VFKRRO J\UDWLQJ RQ D Ă€RDW LQ pasties and hot shorts. At that point, people were starting to come down from whatever planet they had been on, resulting in a higher volume of puke on the ground and more drunk girls crying than before. This was my cue to leave, and I H[FLWHG /RY(YROXWLRQ MXVW DV , KDG HQWHUHG LW contemptuous and in need of a strong drink. Did I encounter any real ‘love’ in my experiences? :HOO QR EXW , GLG JHW P\ WHFKQR Âż[ DQG VDZ more nudity than if I had participated in naked run. Will I go back next year? Probably. Expect another article such as this one, perhaps more cynical, in the future.

I wasn’t drunk enough to interview these bands

FRL! Investigates: Local Bands

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Here at the Fish Rap Live, we’re all about real journalism, getting to the real issues. Really. This new section of FRL! will provide you with the answers you need to the questions you’re too afraid to ask. Or at least it’ll give us an excuse to go out and do some pretty stupid shit or interview some cuties.

Bran 182

By: Erin Schmalfeld

Sounds Like: A drunken rampage put through a blender, with more bass Feels like: You’ve just snorted vodka for the ¿UVW WLPH Bran 182 is a recently broken up EDQG DERXW GULQNLQJ /HW PH UHSHDW WKDW WKH\œUH D EDQG DERXW GULQNLQJ ,œP VRUU\ EXW did you catch that Bran 182 is a band about drinking? Because that’s a fact that they’d OLNH WR PDNH YHU\ FOHDU 7KH JX\V LQ %UDQ are like homies from your hometown that you never thought would make it to college, and WKHQ WKH\ WXUQ RXW WR EH VHFUHW JHQLXVHV 2Q the outside they’re talking about cheap dank nuggets, but there’s a hidden brilliance to their PDGQHVV 7KH\ MXVW UHOHDVHG WKHLU ¿UVW UHDO UH-

San Narciso myspace.com/sannarciso, See them Oct 23 @ The Church w/ Google Maps & Acid Tapestries

Sounds Like: Punk Rock when it remembers to take it’s Ritalin Feels Like: Joan Jett’s home cookin’ :KLOH , ZDV VLWWLQJ GRZQ ZLWK San Narciso in the attic where they practice, one of their homeboys came in and climbed out a window to pick some apples to munch RQ 7KH ZKROH RUGHDO ZDV VR SUHFLRXV DQG WKH\ IHHO OLNH D WUXH 6DQWD &UX] KRPHJURZQ band with their worn in Levis, t-shirts, and VFUXII\ EHDUGV :KHQ , DVNHG WKHP WKDW ERULQJ LQWHUYLHZ TXHVWLRQ ÂłZKR DUH \RXU LQĂ€XHQFHV"´ they all sort of scrambled nervously to come XS ZLWK VRPHWKLQJ GHÂżQLWLYH $V D JURXS WKH\ GHFLGH RQ WKH %HDWOHV VKRFNHU DQG

Acid Tapestries myspace.com/acidtapestries, See them Oct 23 @ The Church w/ Google Maps & San Narciso

Sounds Like: Your indie guilty pleasure, with D OLWWOH 6DWDQ LQ WKHUH Feels Like: First kisses and second helpings of pie , VKRZHG XS DW WKH $FLG 7DSHVtries chill-as-fuck pad and we all settled into VRIDV WR FKLW FKDW 7KHLU KRXVH KDV D QR VKRHV rule, so we were all sitting around in socks VWRFNLQJV LQ P\ FDVH DQG VKRRWLQJ WKH GLUW OLNH ZHœG EHHQ %))V IRU \HDUV (YHU\RQH KDV GH¿QLWH SHUVRQDV WKHUHœV WKH ULQJOHDGHU WKH sweetheart, the funny guy, and the badass RU DW OHDVW WKDWœV WKH LPSUHVVLRQ , JRW EXW maybe they’re going to beat me up for saying WKDW 7KH LQWHUYLHZ TXLFNO\ GHWHULRUDWHG LQWR

cord entitled “Like Really Really Drunk,â€? and decided that their release party show should DOVR EH WKHLU ODVW 2K DQG LW VKRXOG EH DW WKH +RW 7RSLF LQ WKH &DSLWROD 0DOO 7KDW VKLW ZDV crazy, but not half as fun as sitting down with them to talk about food, music, and a bunch of RWKHU EXOOVKLW -RUGDQ +H\ *UDQW PLQG LI , GR D -" *UDQW 1R PDQ , GRQÂśW KDYH RQH UROOHG XS FRL: What’s the purpose of life? * 'ULQNLQJ J: Given the meaning of this band, there’s no RWKHU DQVZHU DFFHSWDEOH EHFDXVH , PHDQ ZH DUH D EDQG DERXW GULQNLQJ )5/ <RX :(5( D EDQG DERXW GULQNLQJ - 5LJKW )5/ $Q\ZD\V WKDWÂśV QRW ZKDW , PHDQW ZLWK WKH TXHVWLRQ , PHDQ ZK\ JR RQ OLYLQJ ZKHQ Bran 182 is over? * 'ULQNLQJ Lou Reed, but as individuals, Lucas, Sean, DQG -RVK DUH DOO RYHU WKH SODFH %XW , WKLQN that’s what makes San Narciso a great band, and hard to pin down genre-wise; everyone is bringing something different to the table, and when you mix it all together you get a tasty sounding concoction of smooth-indie-postpopfuck-proto-punky-progressive-chill-rock ZLWK VRPH VH[\ WRSQRWHV /HWÂśV FDOO LW K\SHQ URFN DQG ORYH WKHP MXVW WKH ZD\ WKH\ DUH FRL: So what’s the craziest or stupidest thing that’s ever happened at one of your shows? - , , EURNH D ZLQGRZ ZLWK P\ P\ UHDU HQG 6 +LV WRRNXV 2Q WKH ODVW VRQJ RI WKH QLJKW - , PRYHG DEUXSWO\ EDFN LQWR LW DW WKH HQG RI P\ JXLWDU VROR DQG , WKLQN , KLW LW ULJKW LQ WKH PLGGOH DQG LW MXVW EXUVW FRL: You really broke glass with your ass? 6 , WKRXJKW LW ZDV RXU VKHHU YROXPH DQG a bunch of laughter and the dudes telling me VRPH MRNHV 7KH\ÂśUH IUHVK RQWR WKH VFHQH DQG WKH\ VWLOO KDYH WKDW MXELODQW DLU DERXW WKHP 1RW even the Fish Rap could wipe those rockstarGUHDP VPLOHV RII WKHLU IDFHV )5/ Âľ6XS GXGHV ,ÂśP D OLWWOH XQGHU WKH ZHDWKHU EXW ,ÂśP WULSSLQJ EDOOV RQ 'D\TXLO ULJKW QRZ VR ZH VKRXOG EH JRRG ,I \RX ZHUH going to have a real battle of the bands with DQRWKHU EDQG ZKR ZRXOG \RX ÂżJKW DQG ZKDW would you use as weapons? 7RQ\ ,I , ZDV WU\LQJ WR ZLQ WKHQ , ZRXOG SOD\ DJDLQVW %URNHQF\GH :RUVH WKDQ 1LFNHOEDFN FRL: What would you use as weapons? 7 ,ÂśG XVH D JXLWDU DQG WKH\ÂśG EH NLOOHG E\ WKH DZHVRPHQHVV 0LFKDHO ,ÂśG XVH D GRXEOH EDVH MXVW SLFN LW XS DQG SXW LW RQ WRS RI WKHP /HH ,ÂśG MXVW VKRRW WKHP FRL: So what’s your drink of choice, kiddos?

J: See, Bran 182 is not just about drinking, it’s about the immediate fun that comes with GULQNLQJ 6R ZH GHFLGHG WKDW WKH PRVW IXQ ZH could ever have would be to play our record release party and also have it be our last show DQG KDYH WKDW VKRZ EH DW +RW 7RSLF )5/ 6R VLQFH WKLV LV WKH Âł7RWDOO\ :DVWHG (GLtion,â€? what’s your drink of choice? - -DFN &RNH 2U DQ\WKLQJ IURP %HYHUDJHV 0RUH )5/ ,ÂśYH QHYHU KHDUG DQ\RQH FDOO LW Âł%HYHUDJHV DQG 0RUH´ EHIRUH ,WÂśV DOZD\V Âł%HY0R ´ ) , WKLQN WKDW DV D EDQG RXU IDYRULWH GULQN LV DQ\WKLQJ IURP %HY0R 2QH WLPH , JDYH VRPH people some money to get me something at %HY0R EHFDXVH ZH ZHUH KDYLQJ D SDUW\ DW WKLV dead guy’s house and they got me something FDOOHG Âł'HDG *X\ $OH ´ 7KDW ZDV IXQQ\ 7KDW house had all this taxidermied shit in it and it ZDV D SUHWW\ JRRG SDUW\ )5/ &RRO OHWÂśV JR WR &KDUOLH +RQJ .RQJ SRZHU EXW - <HDK )5/ ,I \RX ZHUH JRLQJ WR VXP \RXUVHOYHV XS in 3 words, what would they be? J: Genderless sex )5/ ,VQÂśW WKDW MXVW WZR" / ,W FRXOG EH WKUHH *HQGHU WKHUHÂśV D FRPPD WKHUH WKHQ OHVV VH[ - 7KDWÂśV UHDOO\ JRRG PDQ 6 :KDW DERXW &LDQ VDYHG XV" &LDQ LV SUREDEO\ WKH PRVW FUXFLDO GXGH RQ HDUWK +H UHFRUGHG XV back in June and we’ll probably have a release FRPLQJ RXW LQ -DQXDU\ FRL: So what’s on your “get laidâ€? mix? - 7/& &UD]\ 6H[\ &RRO" / ,ÂśG SXW VRPH $QLPDO &ROOHFWLYH RQ WKHUH S: Sigur Ros maybe? / , GRQÂśW NQRZ PDQ WKDW PLJKW HQG LQ WHDUV 6 , OLNH P\ SOD\ D OLWWOH PHODQFKRO\ ,I ZH ERWK HQG XS LQ WHDUV WKHQ , OLNH WR WKLQN WKDW ,ÂśYH GRQH P\ SDUW 0 9RGND DQG VR\ PLON )5/ (Z ZKDW" 7KDWÂśV VR 6DQWD &UX] 7 7KH ZKLWH YHJDQ FRL: So what kind of shows do you guys like to play? / +RXVH SDUWLHV PRVWO\ )5/ &RRO VR ZKHQ LV WKH ODVW WLPH \RX FULHG" 7 , FULHG ZKHQ P\ JLUOIULHQG OHIW IRU ($3 )5/ )XFN ($3 / , FULHG WKH ODVW &KULVWPDV , VSHQW ZLWK P\ IDPLO\ ,I \RX NQHZ P\ IDPLO\ WKHQ \RXÂśG WRWDOO\ XQGHUVWDQG )5/ , ZDWFKHG 7KH 1HYHUHQGLQJ 6WRU\ ODVW ZHHN ZKHQ , ZDV XQGHU WKH LQĂ€XHQFH DQG WKDW part where the horse goes in the mud made me IXFNLQÂś EDZO 7 , GRQÂśW FU\ (YHU 0 , GRQW NQRZ WKLV LV NLQG RI HPEDUDVVLQJ EXW , JXHVV WKDW WKH ODVW WLPH , FULHG LV ZKHQ , saw Up? $OO $::+++ 0( 722

Bran 182’s Would-you-rather responses: 7LDUDV RU &KXUURV .LWWHQV Papercuts

RU 7KH FRORU \HOORZ or

Wasp stings

'RJJ\ 6W\OH RU *LUO RQ 7RS Dill Pickles

or

Whiskey Sours

San Narciso‘s Would-you-rather responses: 6KHWODQG 3RQLHV RU 2UDQJH &KLFNHQ Afternoon Naps or

Birdhouses

6SHOOLQJ 7HVWV RU (DUZD[ &DQG\ RU +XJV John

or

Ringo

San Narciso‘s Would-you-rather responses: Jury Duty

or

Babies

or

A Final Exam Puppies

7UXH /RYH RU &RRO 6XQJODVVHV Snow Days

or

A Good Book

Be a poet

or

Drive the fastest car

The Fish Rap Live! October 20, 2009

Tuesdays, 8PM, Upstairs @ ARCENTER.

It’s not too late to get in on this shit.

dose of Fish Rap? I doubt it. Join us.

Are you getting your recommended

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