Chuckles From Down Under
By: Jane Sullivan, Bell Vet Services
A man who lived next door to a pub had a favourite tabby cat. Sadly, the cat was run over by a truck and killed. A year later, at around midnight, the publican was tidying up the empty bar when suddenly the ghost of the cat appeared, holding its severed tail in its paw. “Can you help me?” asked the cat’s ghost. “I used to live next door to you until I was run over by a truck.” “Yes, I remember you,” said the publican. “You were a very nice cat – the customers really liked you.” “The thing is,” the cat went on, “this bit of tail I’m holding was cut off in the accident that killed me and I’ve been wandering around with it for a year. I know it’s late, but would you sew it back on for me?” “No, I’m sorry,” replied the publican. “Much as I would like to help you, I’m afraid I can’t. You see, I’m not allowed to retail spirits after eleven o’clock.” A man awoke one day feeling not at all well. He went to the doctor and passed out in his office. When he awoke, he found he was in a hospital bed and several doctors were checking on him through an observation window. He managed to croak out, “Wha? What happened? What’s wrong with me?”
One of the doctors answered through the intercom, “You have a very serious condition. It’s a rare tropical disease, very highly contagious.” The patient cried, “Oh no! That’s terrible! What are we going to do?” The doctor replied, “Well, the first thing we’re going to do is put you on a strict diet of pizza, pancakes and pita bread.” The man asked, “Will that help?” The doctor answered, “No, but it’s the only stuff we can slide under the door.” In church one Sunday the vicar was disappointed to find that his congregation consisted of just one farmer. Wondering whether he should hold the service, he decided to ask the man’s opinion. “If I take a bucket of food to my hens,” said the farmer thoughtfully, “and only one turns up, I don’t send it away hungry.” Moved by this simple analogy, the minister climbed into his pulpit and delivered a vigorous and lengthy sermon. “Did you enjoy the service?” enquired the vicar when he had finished. “When only one hen turns up,” the farmer said testily, “I don’t give it the whole bucket!”
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