Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve Somethin to tell ya”. “ Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?” GearHead returns home a day ear A passenger in a taxi heading “for Tampa Airport what I’m here to be telling Brenda. There wasand an he caugh “Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed Sean, son No. 1. his ya, bike broke down when he leaned over to ask theThat’s driver a question accident down at the Guinness brewery...” ‘Sorry I’m running late. I had anand emergency at the hospital with a of town, and then grabbed a cab. gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his don’t tell me.” patient, you know how it is, andattention. I didn’t have time to get you a gift.” “Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please It’s after midnight. his way home, The driver lost control of the cab,Your nearly “ I must, Brenda husband While Shamuson is dead and gone. I’m he asks t “Not to worry,” said the father. “Important thingscreamed, is we’re all together would be a witness. The man susp hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just sorry.” today.” having affair,Tim?” and he wants to c a large window. Finally, she looked up at Tim.. “How did itan happen, Conor, Son No. 2 arrived. “You inches and Momfrom look great. Dad,plate-glass I just act. For a few moments everything“ was silent in the cab. It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and flew in from Montreal between depositions didn’t have timesaid, to Then, theand shaking driver “Are you o.k.? I’m so For $100 bucks, the cabby agrees drowned.” shop for you.” sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me.” Quietly arriving home, the husban “Oh my dear to Jesus! me the the truth, Tim. Did he at “It’s nothing,” said the father. “We’re youshaken were ablepassenger to come.” apologized toetellinto bedroom. The glad badly theBut you must GearHead switches on the lights, least go a quickly?” and said, “I didn’t realize that mere tap on Just then the daughter, Emma, driver arrived “Hello and happy shoulder would startle so badly.” “Well, Brenda.... No. In fact, heback got outand threethere times is to his pee.”wife, in bed anniversary! Sorry, but my bossthe is sending me out of town and someone just as he suspected! Thehave driver “No, I was really busy packing so I didn’t timereplied, to get you two no, I’m the one who should puts his gun to the nak apologize, it’s entirely my fault.A drunk Todaystaggers is my into verya CatholicGearHead Church, enters a confessional anything.” wife shouts, first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for The After they had finished dessert, the the father “There’s something booth, sits down, but says nothing. ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you past said, 25 years.” to get his from attention the drunk your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, The Priest coughs a few times money mybut Aunt Sarah. Mildred, smallto town gossipcontinues and self-appointed to sit there. HE paid for the Audi I gave you on we were really poor and very busy, but we the managed send each monitor of church morals, wasFinally, always stick threeHE paid forwall. our new cabin cruiser. theone Priesttopounds times on the of you to college. her nose into other people’s business. memHEknockin, paid for yournoseason The drunk Most mumbles, “ain’t no use there’s paper ontickets. Through the years your mother and I knew we loved each other bers of the congregation did not approve of her HE paid for our house at the lake. side very much, but we just never found the time tobut get she married.” intrusions, was fearedthis due toeither!” her lethal HE paid for your African tour with The three children gasped and said, “WHAT? You mean we’re forked tongue, so everyone maintained their sibuddies and your new ATV. What Leprechauns do for kicks:HE paid for the custom rims for yo bastards?” lence. She took that fatal step too farStep one1: day, Go to when the Petshe Shop HE paid for our Family WaterWorld “Yup,” said the father, “Cheap-ass ones’ too”. accused “Lightning”, a biker, and member of And, HE even pays the monthly du Stepnew 2: Buy Bird Seeds the Church, of being an alcoholic sawhow hislong itPrivate Stepafter 3: Askshe Cashier will take schooling. for birds to grow? An Irish man and woman were married for many years. old Chevy pickup parked in front of the small town’s Shaking his head from side-to-side Step 4: Watch reaction Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep only bar all morning and late into the night. She ers his gun. He looks totally confu into the night. The old man would shout, emphatically told Lightning in front of the entire cabby and says, Just got that a piece of Lucky Charms cereal stuck between toesdo? “When I die, I will dig my way upcongregation and out of the grave come thatand “Everyone seeing pickup ‘What the hell wouldmyyou know what he was doing”. Factthe was, walking through kitchen. The cabby never skips a beat and back and haunt you for the rest there of your would life!” Lightning volunteered to help Gus, theisn’t bardoing his part his ofass that blanket Clearly my dog thewith chores around here. before he Neighbors feared him. The old man liked thehad fact that he was owner, a leaky ceiling in the kitchen. But Gus cold.’ feared. Then one evening, he died when repair he was 89. After the was not a member of the congregation so nothing This year; in 2018, Easter and April Fool’s are on the same day. burial, her neighbors, concernedwas for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you brought to light. “Putter” and all his golfing buddie have yourself fun while sit back with ahe’s shotgot of a very im afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out ofof thefew grave Lightning, a man wordsSo, but plenty of some action, theyou green while Bailey’s in your coffee. Tell the kids to hunt all over the backyard and haunt you for the rest of your life?” stared at her for a solid minute, then just got up win the game that’s not over 15 fe for eggs you didn’t even hide! straight in. and the church. nothing. The wife said, “Let him dig. I had him left buried upside down,He andsaid I that early morning; around a.m.,likeLight“Handicap” yells out, “come on, a Hey 1:00 now, times this are magically delicious. know for a fact he won’t ask for Later directions.” A couple are sitting in their living room, sipping wine on St. Patty’s Day. Out of the blue, the wife says, “I love you so very, very much!” “Is that you or the wine talking?” jokes the husband. “It’s me,” says the wife, “Talking to the wine.”
ning parked his pickup directly in front of Mildred’s house, walked home, and left it there all night long Ya’ know, I consider myself to be a positive kind of person but and late into the lunch hour. swear there are days when people just irritate the hell out of me and it’s then that I come to the realization someYou people Things Thatthat Make Go Hmmmm?? Why does yourWand OB-GYN leave the room couldn’t be nice even if a Unicorn shoved a Fairy up their get singing undressed, only Over to sitThe down in front ass while Judy Garland stood there Somewhere and see all you got to see in plain view, Rainbow.
all want to finish up and grab a dr Putter replies back, although in a “don’t bust my balls here huh? My on the Club’s veranda watching us get it right”. Handicap yells back, “Nah, forget about it, that’s way to never hit her from here”.
you Happy when St Patrick’s Day of you
return to the room?
when they
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
One year, I decided to buy my mo cemetery plot as a birthday gift The next year, I didn’t buy her a g
