Incubator M5 | Center Church Pre-reading [ENG] by Damian Grateley

1 READING 13.2

Since teaching the Peacemaker c.e. series in 2000, I have seen these concepts at work in the life of our church family. I stock extra copies of the "Peacemaker Pledge" pamphlet on our fellowship table on Sundays and in my office. I have been amazed at how this tool can often humble people and redirect the focus of their concerns from their own agenda to God's glory.

The Peacemaker is the most helpful guide I have found to assist Christians in resolving conflict. It takes an uncommonly Biblical approach, leading one through a process designed to foster reconciliation, to God's glory. One is instructed in ways to "get the log out of your eye"; to "go and show your brother his faults," and to "go and be reconciled." These principles are applied to a variety of situations: third party conciliation, forgiveness, confession, church discipline, self examination, conflict assessment, and more.

Sande continually reminds his readers that conflict is a great opportunity to see the Gospel lived out in radical ways. By this God is glorified in ways the world cannot explain. This must be the focus of all peacemaking: "whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God" (I Cor. 10:31).

BY KEN SANDE

But I have also seen the Peacemaker materials misused. People can go through the steps of Sande's book explicitly and methodically, but the focus can be misdirected from God's glory to the person's own hurt. If one starts from a self righteous place it can poison all the steps of Sande's Thisbook.is a reminder that we cannot engineer what we desire, but are completely dependant on the Lord's grace for true reconciliation. The only One capable of real peacemaking is "the God of peace,

While Sande provides an abundance of practical techniques for implementing his understanding of Biblical principle of peacemaking, these by themselves cannot accomplish what is needed. The methods only provide opportunities for reconciliation, but true reconciliation is always a heart issue. In the end, all of Sande's steps and procedures must happen through faith alone in Christ alone. Apart from him we can do nothing (John 15:5). And simply going through the motions, however precisely, cannot serve as a substitute for the work of the Holy Spirit, who alone can apply Christ's work of reconciliation to us. Conflict may cease on the surface, and hostilities can be contained or sublimated, but true reconciliation cannot happen apart from the Holy Spirit giving the parties a growing experience of what Christ has done to reconcile us to the Father (2 Cor. 5:18 20).

A SUMMARY OF PEACEMAKER,THE

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2 who through the blood of the eternal covenant brought back from the dead our Lord Jesus, that great Shepherd of the sheep" (Heb. 13:20).

Ken Sande is an engineer, attorney and conciliator. This book provides practical advice for reconciliation between parties who are in conflict. Most of the advice consists of basic communication skills such as listen to the other person, agree in areas that you can, try to understand from the other person's perspective, etc. He also follows the Biblical steps for resolution of conflict such as overlook minor conflict, go to the other person directly, get one or two others to go along and finally tell it to the church. His points on overlooking conflict are very good and this is not something that is taught frequently, if at all, in many churches today. The methodology for mediation and arbitration can be helpful and Sande especially touches on ethical responsibilities to avoid exposure to liability. Born again Christians will probably have some difficulty with the theology in the book. Sande is a lawyer, not a theologian. His definition of Christianity seems very broad. He quotes Justice Anthony Scalia, a member of the Roman Catholic church, as an authoritative figure on the role of Christianity and conflict/litigation. At times, it seems Sande views anyone associated with a church as a Christian. Perhaps he is intentionally broad in order to make the book accessible to as many people as possible. He does not seem to believe that conversion brings about a change in a person in that "If any man be in Christ he is a new creature. Old things are passed away, behold all things are become new." There is no discussion of the influence and power of the Holy Spirit to make Christian fruit including peaceableness that is not something we try to do in our own strength. In addition, Sande does not seem to see a change from the Old Testament to the New Testament. Thus, when dealing with many issues such as litigation, he relies heavily on O.T. scriptures. He ends up with the view that Christians can and should sue one another in certain circumstances and thus sees some scriptural commands as more of a suggestion than a command. He does state that the church should be involved in a conflict between Christians before litigation occurs and that appropriate discipline may be necessary but does not specifically address excommunication from the church. He also does not address the scriptural requirement that if someone acts in an evil way, we are not to resist him or her but are required to go further and bless him or her. All in all, the practical advice is very good. I think you just have to sort through the religious discussions carefully and, of course, test everything against scripture.

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The next three chapters explore the motivations and unmet needs that often lead to conflict. These chapters encourage the reader to examine himself or herself and his or her role in a given conflict. The best part of this section to me was the "Seven A's of Confession" which outline carefully a God honoring way toward asking forgiveness of another.

The first three chapters of the book are a challenge to glorify God through relationships, looking at relational conflict as a opportunity to testify to God's grace in your life. The key phrase from these chapters is, "Every time you encounter a conflict, you show what you really think of God." (p. 33).

Ken Sande's The PeaceMaker is a wonderful resource for Christians who are seeking to honor God in their relationships with others. I have never seen a book on relational conflict that is so biblically grounded. There are several pages in the Scripture index at the back of the book and these texts are not used in a haphazard way but form the foundation of the principles Sande explains in the book. This book is nothing less than a Practical Theology of human relationships.

Chapters 7 through 9 explore how we can help restore others who have sinned against us. These chapters are a call to honesty, grace and humility. The reader is guided toward an approach that emphasizes working hard to understand others so that all issues can be dealt with in an honest and complete way.

If Christians (myself included) took up the principles outlined in this book, the emotional health and spiritual vitality of the church would increase dramatically. But the road of discipleship is hard. It is not for those who are impatient with slow progress. A great book.

The last three chapters put the principles of the first nine chapters into practice through looking carefully at how to resolve conflict for the benefit of all. Practical examples are scattered throughout the book but have a special place in this last section as we see how the biblical principles of peacemaking work in real life situations.

Jesus provides us with clear guidance on this issue. During His earthly ministry, a young man approached the Lord and asked Him to settle an inheritance dispute with his brother. "Jesus replied, 'Man, who appointed me a judge or an arbiter between you?' Then he said to them, 'Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions'" (Luke 12:13 15).This passage reveals a common human pattern. When faced with conflict, we tend to focus passionately on what our opponent has done wrong or should do to make things right. In contrast, God always calls us to focus on what is going on in our own hearts when we are at odds with others. Why? Because our heart is the wellspring of all our thoughts, words, and actions, and therefore the source of our conflicts. "For out of the heart come evil thoughts, murder, adultery, sexual immorality, theft, false testimony, slander" (Matthew 15:19).

4 THE PEACEMAKER: FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLES

GETTING TO THE HEART OF CONFLICT

This passage describes the root cause of destructive conflict: Conflicts arise from unmet desires in our hearts. When we feel we cannot be satisfied unless we have something we want or think we need, the desire turns into a demand. If someone fails to meet that desire, we condemn him in our heart and quarrel and fight to get our way. In short, conflict arises when desires grow into demands and we judge and punish those who get in our way. Let us look at this progression one step at a time.

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don't get it. You kill and covet, but you cannot have what you want. You quarrel and fight. You do not have, because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures."

THE PROGRESSION OF AN IDOL

I DESIRE Conflict always begins with some kind of desire. Some desires are inherently wrong, such as vengeance, lust, or greed. But many desires are not wrong in and of themselves. For example, there is nothing innately wrong about desiring things like peace and quiet, a clean home, a new computer, professional success, an intimate relationship with your spouse, or respectful children. If a good desire, such as wanting an intimate relationship with your spouse, is not being met, it is perfectly legitimate to talk about it with your spouse. As you talk, you may discover ways that both of you can help to fulfill each other in mutually beneficial ways. If not, it may be appropriate to seek help from your pastor or a Christian counselor who can assist you in understanding your differences and strengthening your marriage. But what if your spouse persistently fails to meet a particular desire and is unwilling to discuss it further with you or anyone else? This is where you stand at a crossroad. On the one hand, you can trust God and seek your fulfillment in Him (Psalm 73:25). You can ask Him to help you to continue to grow and mature no matter what your spouse does (James 1:2 4). And you can continue to love your spouse and pray for God's sanctifying work in his or her life (1 John 4:19 21; Luke 6:27 28). If you follow this course, God promises to bless you and use your difficult situation to conform you to the likeness of Christ (Romans 8:28 29).

Wouldn't it be wonderful if people could simply renounce their bad habits and decide to respond to conflict in a gracious and constructive way? But it is not that easy. In order to break free from the pattern they have fallen into, they need to understand why they react to conflict the way they do.

The heart's central role in conflict is vividly described in James 4:1 3. If you understand this passage, you will have found a key to preventing and resolving conflict.

BY KEN SANDE

"The Bible says we should save up to cover unexpected problems; we need to tighten our budget so we can put more into savings."

Unmet desires have the potential of working themselves deeper and deeper into our hearts. This is especially true when we come to see a desire as something we need or deserve, and therefore must have in order to be happy or fulfilled. There are many ways to justify or legitimize a desire.

"I only want what God commands: children who have learned to respect their parents and use their God given gifts to the fullest."

"I spend hours managing the family budget; I really need a new computer."

"Scripture says a husband and wife should be completely united in love. I need to have more intimacy with you."

There is an element of validity in each of these statements. The trouble is that if our desire is not met, these attitudes can lead to a vicious cycle. The more we want something, the more we think of it as something we need and deserve. And the more we think we are entitled to it, the more convinced we are that we cannot be happy and secure without it.

Given its controlling effect on our lives, an idol can also be referred to as a "false god" or a "functional god." As Martin Luther wrote, "To whatever we look for any good thing and for refuge in every need, that is what is meant by 'god.' To have a god is nothing else than to trust and believe in him from the heart.... To whatever you give your heart and entrust your being, that, I say, is really your god."2

Even sincere Christians struggle with idolatry. We may believe in God and say we want to serve Him only, but at times we allow other influences to rule us. In this sense we are no different from the ancient Israelites: "Even while these people were worshiping the LORD, they were serving their idols.

I DEMAND

"I work hard all week. Don't I deserve a little peace and quiet when I come home?"

"God has given me a gift for developing new businesses, and He calls me to work hard to support our family. I deserve to have more of your support."

"I worked two jobs to put you through school; I deserve your respect and appreciation."

On the other hand, you can dwell on your disappointment and allow it to control your life. At the very least, this will result in self pity and bitterness toward your spouse. At worst, it can destroy your marriage. Let us look at how this downward spiral evolves.

When we see our object of desire as being essential to our fulfillment and well being, it moves from being a desire to a demand. "I wish I could have this" evolves into "I must have this!" This is where trouble sets in. Even if the initial desire was not inherently wrong, it has grown so strong that it begins to control our thoughts and behavior. In biblical terms, it has become an "idol."

Most of us think of an idol as a statue of wood, stone, or metal worshiped by pagan people. But the concept is much broader and far more personal than that. An idol is anything apart from God that we depend on to be happy, fulfilled, or secure. In biblical terms it is something other than God that we set our heart on (Luke 12:29), that motivates us (1 Corinthians 4:5), that masters and rules us (Psalm 119:133; Ephesians 5:5), or that we trust, fear, or serve (Isaiah 42:17; Matthew 6:24; Luke 12:4 5). In short, it is something we love and pursue in place of God (see Philippians 3:19).

It is important to emphasize the fact that idols can arise from good desires as well as wicked desires. It is often not what we want that is the problem, but that we want it too much. For example, it is not unreasonable for a man to want a passionate sexual relationship with his wife, or for a wife to want open and honest communication with her husband, or for either of them to want a steadily growing savings account. These are good desires, but if they turn into demands that must be met in order for either spouse to be satisfied and fulfilled, they result in bitterness, resentment, or self pity that can destroy a marriage.

To this day their children and grandchildren continue to do as their fathers did" (2 Kings 17:41).

When they do not fulfill these goals, even after her repeated encouragement or correction, she may feel frustrated, angry, or resentful. She needs to ask, "Why am I feeling this way? Is it a righteous anger that they are not living up to God's standards? Or is it a selfish anger that they are not giving me the smooth, comfortable, and convenient day I want?"

Isdepression?theresomething

I JUDGE

When a certain desire is not met, do I feel frustration, anxiety, resentment, bitterness, anger, or

• Where do I put my trust?

I desire so much that I am willing to disappoint or hurt others in order to have it? As you search your heart for idols, you will often encounter multiple layers of concealment, disguise, and justification. As mentioned earlier, one of the most subtle cloaking devices is to argue that we want only what God Himself commands. For example, a mother may desire that her children be respectful and obedient to her, kind to one another, and diligent in developing their gifts and talents. And she can back up each goal with a specific scripture that shows that God Himself desires such behavior.

• What do I fear?

Another sign of idolatry is the inclination to judge other people. When they fail to satisfy our desires and live up to our expectations, we criticize and condemn in our hearts if not with our words. As Dave Powlison writes: We judge others criticize, nit pick, nag, attack, condemn because we literally play God. This is heinous. [The Bible says]"There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and to destroy; but who are you to judge your neighbor?" Who are you when you judge? None other than a God wannabe. In this, we become like the Devil himself (no surprise that the Devil is mentioned in James 3:15 and 4:7). We act exactly like the adversary who seeks to usurp God's

• What am I preoccupied with? What is the first thing on my mind in the morning and the last thing on my mind at night?

In most cases, it will be a mixture of both. Part of her truly wants to see her children love and obey God in every way, both for His glory and for their good. But another part of her is motivated by a desire for her own comfort and convenience. Which desire is really controlling her heart and Ifreactions?theGod

• What do I want to preserve or avoid?

centered desire is dominating the mother's heart, her response to disobedient children should be characterized by God's discipline toward her. "The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love" (Psalm 103:8). As she imitates God, her response will line up with corrective guidelines found in Galatians 6:1: "If someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted." In other words, although her discipline may be direct and firm, it will be wrapped in gentleness and love, and leave no residue of resentment or unforgiveness. On the other hand, if her desire for comfort and convenience has become an idol, her reaction to her children will be much different. It will be characterized by smoldering anger as well as harsh and unnecessarily hurtful words or discipline. She may feel bitterness or resentment that her desires have been frustrated. And even after disciplining her children, she may maintain a lingering coolness toward them that extends their punishment and warns them not to cross her again. If this latter group of attitudes and actions frequently characterizes her response, it is a sign that her desire for godly children has probably evolved into an idolatrous demand.

• How would I complete this statement: "If only _____________, then I would be happy, fulfilled, and secure"?

How can you discern when a good desire might be turning into a sinful demand? You can begin by prayerfully asking yourself "X ray" questions that reveal the true condition of your heart.

Scripture teaches that we should observe and evaluate others' behavior so that we can respond and minister to them in appropriate ways, which may even involve loving confrontation (see Matthew 7:1 5; 18:15; Galatians 6:1). We cross the line, however, when we begin to sinfully judge others, which is characterized by a feeling of superiority, indignation, condemnation, bitterness, or resentment. Sinful judging often involves speculating on others' motives. Most of all, it reveals the absence of a genuine love and concern toward them. When these attitudes are present, our judging has crossed the line and we are playing God.

I PUNISH

But we punish those who don't bow to our idols in numerous other ways as well. Our children may use pouting, stomping, or dirty looks to hurt us for not meeting their desires. Adults and children alike may impose guilt or shame on others by walking around with pained or crushed looks on their faces. Some people even resort to physical violence or sexual abuse to punish and control others. As we grow in faith and awareness of our sin, most of us recognize and reject overt and obviously sinful means of punishing others. But our idols do not give up their influence easily, and they often lead us to develop more subtle means of punishing those who do not serve them.

Idols always demand sacrifices. When others fail to satisfy our demands and expectations, our idols demand that they should suffer. Whether deliberately or unconsciously, we will find ways to hurt or punish people so they will give in to our desires.

This is not to say that it is inherently wrong to evaluate or even judge others within certain limits.

7 throne and who acts as the accuser of the brethren. When you and I fight, our minds become filled with accusations: your wrongs and my rights preoccupy me. We play the self righteous judge in the mini kingdoms we establish.3

This insight should leave us shaking in our boots! When we judge others and condemn them in our hearts for not meeting our desires, we are imitating the Devil (see James 3:15; 4:7). We have doubled our idolatry problem: Not only have we let an idolatrous desire rule our hearts, but we have also set ourselves up as judging minigods. This is a formula for excruciating conflict.

This punishment can take many forms. Sometimes we react in overt anger, lashing out with hurtful words to inflict pain on those who fail to meet our expectations. When we do so, we are essentially placing others on the altar of our idol and sacrificing them, not with a pagan knife, but with the sharp edge of our tongue. Only when they give in to our desire and give us what we want will we stop inflicting pain upon them.

The closer we are to others, the more we expect of them and the more likely we are to judge them when they fail to meet our expectations. For example, we may look at our spouse and think, "If you really love me, you above all people will help meet this need." We think of our children and say, "After all I've done for you, you owe this to me." We can place similar expectations on relatives, close friends, or members of our church. Expectations are not inherently bad. It is good to hope for the best in others and reasonable to anticipate receiving understanding and support from those who are closest to us. But if we are not careful, these expectations can become conditions and standards that we use to judge others. Instead of giving people room for independence, disagreement, or failure, we rigidly impose our expectations on them. In effect, we expect them to give allegiance to our idols. When they refuse to do so, we condemn them in our hearts and with our words, and our conflicts with them take on a heightened intensity.

Withdrawal from a relationship is a common way to hurt others. This may include a subtle coolness

8 toward the other person, withholding affection or physical contact, being sad or gloomy, refusing to look someone in the eye, or even abandoning the relationship altogether. Sending subtle, unpleasant cues over a long period of time is an age old method of inflicting punishment.

An idol, as we have seen, is any desire that has grown into a consuming demand that rules our heart; it is something we think we must have to be happy, fulfilled, or secure. To put it another way, it is something we love, fear, or trust. Love, fear, trust these are words of worship! Jesus commands us to love God, fear God, and trust God and God alone (Matthew 22:37; Luke 12:4 fear something more than God, or trust in something other than God to make us happy, fulfilled, or secure, we are engaging in the worship of false gods. As a result, we deserve the judgment and wrath of the true God.

DELIVERANCE FROM JUDGMENT

To receive this forgiveness and freedom, we must acknowledge our sin, repent of it, and put our trust in Jesus Christ (see Acts 3:19; Psalm 32:5). When we do, we are no longer under God's judgment. Instead, He brings us into His family, makes us His children and heirs, and enables us to live a godly life (Galatians 4:4 7). This is the good news of the gospel forgiveness and eternal life through our Lord Jesus Christ!

There is only one way out of this bondage and judgment: It is to look to God Himself, who loves to deliver people from their idols. "I am the LORD your God, who brought you out of Egypt, out of the land of slavery. You shall have no other gods before me" (Exodus 20:2 3).

For example, a friend of mine mentioned to me that his wife was not pleased with the fact that he was giving so much time to a particular ministry. He closed by saying, "And as we all know, when momma ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" He laughed as he said it, but his comment made me think of the proverb, "A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day" (Proverbs 27:15). A woman has a unique ability to set the tone in a home. If she is not careful, she can pervert that gift and use it to create an unpleasant or uncomfortable atmosphere that tells her family, "Either get in line with what I want, or you will suffer." Such behavior is an act of unbelief: Instead of relying on God's means of grace to sanctify her family, she depends on her own tools of punishment to manipulate them into change. Of course, a man can do the same thing; by being perpetually critical and unhappy, he too can make everyone in the family miserable until they give in to his idols. The usual result of such behavior is a superficial, splintered family. Inflicting pain on others is one of the surest signs that an idol is ruling our hearts (see James 4:1 3). When we catch ourselves punishing others in any way, whether deliberately and overtly or unconsciously and subtly, it is a warning that something other than God is ruling our hearts.

THE CURE FOR AN IDOLATROUS HEART

5; John 14:1). Any time we long for something apart from God,

God has provided the cure for our idolatry by sending His Son to experience the punishment that we deserve because of our sin. Through Jesus Christ we can become righteous in God's sight and find freedom from sin and idolatry. "Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death" (Romans 8:1 2).

Describe your idols to your spouse and an accountability partner, and ask them to pray for you and lovingly confront you when they see signs that the idol is still controlling you.

Most of all, ask God to replace your idols with a growing love for Him and a consuming desire to worship Him and Him alone (more on this below).

DELIVERANCE FROM SPECIFIC IDOLS

Realize that idols are masters of change and disguise. As soon as you gain a victory over a particular sinful desire, your idol is likely to reappear in a related form, with a redirected desire and more subtle means of attracting your attention.

Keep track of your discoveries in a journal so that you can identify patterns and steadily go after specific idols. Pray daily that God would rob your idols of their influence in your life by making you miserable whenever you give in to them.

But there is a cure. It is called the gospel of Jesus Christ, and it is administered through the Word, the Spirit, and the church. The more rigorously you avail yourself of these means of grace, the greater effect they will have in delivering you from the idols that plague your soul.

Finally, God has surrounded us with brothers and sisters in Christ who can teach us, lovingly confront us about our idols, and provide encouragement and guidance in our spiritual growth (Galatians 6:1; Romans 15:14). This requires that we commit ourselves to consistent involvement in a solid, biblical church and seek regular fellowship and accountability from spiritually mature believers.

Prayerfully ask yourself the "X

Yet there is more good news. God wants to deliver us not only from our general problem with sin and idolatry, but also from the specific, day to day idols that consume us, control us, and cause conflict with those around us. This deliverance is not done in blanket fashion, with all our idols being swept away in one great spiritual experience. Instead, God calls us to identify and confess our idols one by one, and then to cooperate with Him as He steadily removes them bit by bit from our hearts.

The Holy Spirit aids our deliverance from idols by helping us to understand the Bible, to identify our sin, and to pursue a godly life (1 Corinthians 2:10 15; Philippians 2:13). Therefore, we should pray on a daily basis for the Spirit to guide, convict, and strengthen us in our walk with Christ.

ray" questions listed previously, which will help you discern the desires that have come to rule your heart.

If you are dealing with an idol that is difficult to identify or conquer, go to your pastor or some other spiritually mature advisor, and seek his or her counsel and support.

If someone told you that you had a deadly cancer that would take your life if you did not get treatment, you would probably spare no effort or expense in pursuing the most rigorous treatment available. Well, you do have cancer, a cancer of the soul. It is called sin and idolatry.

God conveys His grace to help us in this identification and deliverance process via three vehicles: His Bible, His Spirit, and His church. The Bible is "living and active. Sharper than any double edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart" (Hebrews 4:12). As you diligently study and meditate on the Bible and sit under regular, sound preaching, God will use His Word like a spotlight and a scalpel in your heart. It will reveal your idolatrous desires and show you how to love and worship God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength.

Through these three vehicles of grace, God will help you examine your life and progressively expose and deliver you from the idols that rule your heart. This process involves several key steps.

"The fear of the LORD is the beginning of [all wisdom]" (Proverbs 1:7). "Do not be afraid of those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both soul and body in hell" (Matthew 10:28). "If you, O LORD, kept a record of sins, O Lord, who could stand? But with you there is forgiveness; therefore you are feared" (Psalm 130:3 4). 3. Love God. Desire the One who forgives us and provides everything we need instead of looking to other things that cannot save you. "Jesus replied: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind' " (Matthew 22:37). "Those who seek the LORD lack no good thing" (Psalm 34:10). "Seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matthew 6:33). "Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever" (Psalm 73:25 26).

1. Repent before God. When we repent and confess our sins and idols, believing in our forgiveness through Christ, we also confess our faith in Christ. Repentance and confession of our faith in the true God is true worship (1 John 1:8

5. Delight in God. Find your greatest joy in thinking about God, meditating on His works, talking to others about Him, praising Him, and giving Him thanks. "Delight yourself in the LORD and he will give you the desires of your heart" (Psalm 37:4). "My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long" (Psalm 71:8). "Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!" (Philippians 4:4). "Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus" (1 Thessalonians 5:16

REPLACE IDOL WORSHIP WITH WORSHIP OF THE TRUE GOD

As these passages indicate, God has designed a wonderful cycle for those who want to worship Him above all things. As you love, praise, give thanks, and delight yourself in God, He will fulfill your desires with the best thing in the world: more of Himself! And as you learn to delight more and more in Him, you will feel less need to find happiness, fulfillment, and security in the things of this world. By God's grace, the influence of idolatry and conflict in your family can be steadily diminished, and you and your family

18).

10). "The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise" (Psalm 51:17; see also Isaiah 66:2b).

"sin is what you do when you are not fully satisfied in God."4 The same may be said about idolatry: It is what we do when we are not fully satisfied in God. In other words, if we are not fulfilled and secure in God, we will inevitably seek other sources of happiness and security.

4. Trust God. Rely on the One who sacrificed His Son for you and has proven Himself to be absolutely dependable in every situation. "It is better to take refuge in the LORD than to trust in man" (Psalm 118:8). "Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding" (Proverbs 3:5). "His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness. Through these he has given us his very great and precious promises, so that through them you may participate in the divine nature and escape the corruption in the world caused by evil desires" (2 Peter 1:3 4).

2. Fear God. Stand in awe of the true God when you are tempted to fear others or are afraid of losing something precious.

In his excellent book Future Grace, John Piper teaches that,

Therefore, if you want to squeeze the idols out of your heart and leave no room for them to return, make it your top priority to aggressively pursue an all

consuming worship for the living God. Ask Him to teach you how to love, fear, and trust Him more than anything in this world. Replacing idol worship with worship of the true God involves several steps:

As mentioned above, you can glorify God in the midst of conflict by trusting him, obeying him, and imitating him (see Prov. 3:4 6; John 14:15; Eph. 5:1). One of the best ways to keep these concerns uppermost in your mind is to regularly ask yourself this focusing question: "How can I please and honor the Lord in this situation?"

1ST G: GLORIFY GOD

obviously sinful, such as wanting to conceal the truth, bend others to your will, or have revenge. In many situations, however, conflict is fueled by good desires that you have elevated to sinful demands, such as a craving to be understood, loved, respected, or vindicated.

The most important aspect of getting the log out of your own eye is to go beyond the confession of wrong behavior and face up to the root cause of that behavior. The Bible teaches that conflict comes from the desires that battle in your heart (James 4:1

Any time you become excessively preoccupied with something, even a good thing, and seek to find happiness, security or fulfillment in it rather than in God, you are guilty of idolatry. Idolatry inevitably leads to conflict with God ("You shall have no other gods before me"). It also causes conflict with other people. As James writes, when we want something but don't get it, we kill and covet, quarrel and fight

• These concepts are totally overlooked in most conflicts because people naturally focus on escaping from the situation or overcoming their opponent. Therefore, it is wise to periodically step back from a conflict and ask yourself whether you are doing all that you can to take advantage of these special opportunities.

• Grow to be like Christ (by confessing sin and turning from attitudes that promote conflict).

11 can enjoy the intimacy and security that come from worshiping the one true God. Adapted from Peacemaking for Families, by Ken Sande (Tyndale, 2002).

3; Matt. 15:18

19). Some of these desires are

There are generally two kinds of "logs" you need to look for when dealing with conflict. First, you need to ask whether you have had a critical, negative, or overly sensitive attitude that has led to unnecessary conflict. One of the best ways to do this is to spend some time meditating on Philippians 4:2 9, which describes the kind of attitude Christians should have even when they are involved in a conflict. The second kind of log you must deal with is actual sinful words and actions. Because you are often blind to your own sins, you may need an honest friend or advisor who will help you to take an objective look at yourself and face up to your contribution to a conflict.

• Glorify God (by trusting, obeying, and imitating him)

• Serve other people (by helping to bear their burdens or by confronting them in love)

When the Apostle Paul urged the Corinthians to live "to the glory of God," he was not talking about one hour on Sunday morning. He wanted them to show God honor and bring him praise in day to day life, especially by the way that they resolved personal conflicts (see 1 Cor. 10:31).

2ND G: GET THE LOG OUT OF YOUR OWN EYE

THE FOUR G’S Conflict is not necessarily bad or destructive. Even when conflict is caused by sin and causes a great deal of stress, God can use it for good (see Rom. 8:28 29). As the Apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 10:31 11:1, conflict actually provides three significant opportunities. By God's grace, you can use conflict to:

One of the most challenging principles of peacemaking is set forth in Matthew 7:5, where Jesus says, "You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye."

Seven A's of Confession

When you identify ways that you have wronged another person, it is important to admit your wrongs honestly and thoroughly. One way to do this is to use the

Is it seriously hurting other people? and Is it seriously hurting the offender himself?

3RD G: GENTLY RESTORE

Is the offense seriously dishonoring God?

Has it permanently damaged a relationship?

Pray for humility and wisdom

Yet even before you go to talk with someone, remember that it is appropriate to overlook minor offenses (see Prov. 19:11). As a general rule, an offense should be overlooked if you can answer "no" to all of the following questions:

If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, an offense is too serious to overlook, in which case God commands you to go and talk with the offender privately and lovingly about the situation. As you do so, remember to:

12 (James 4:1 4). There are three basic steps you can take to overcome the idolatry that fuels conflict. First, you should ask God to help you see where your have been guilty of wrong worship, that is, where you are focusing your love, attention, and energy on something other than God. Second, you should specifically identify and renounce each of the desires contributing to the conflict. Third, you should deliberately pursue right worship, that is, to fix your heart and mind on God and to seek joy, fulfillment, and satisfaction in him alone. As God guides and empowers these efforts, you can find freedom from the idols that fuel conflict and be motivated to make choices that will please and honor Christ. This change in heart will usually speed a resolution to a present problem, and at the same time improve your ability to avoid similar conflicts in the future.

14). Thus, Matthew 18:15 is introduced with a theme of restoration, not condemnation. Jesus repeats this theme just after telling us to "go and show him his fault" by adding, "If he listens to you, you have won your brother over." And then he hits the restoration theme a third time in verses 21 35, where he uses the parable of the unmerciful servant to remind us to be as merciful and forgiving to others as God is to us (Matt. 18:21 35).

•

Jesus is clearly calling for something much more loving and redemptive than simply confronting others with a list of their wrongs. Similarly, Galatians 6:1 gives us solid counsel on our what our attitude and purpose ought to be when we go to our brother. "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently." Our attitude should be one of gentleness rather than anger, and our purpose should be to restore rather than condemn.

Another key principle of peacemaking involves an effort to help others understand how they have contributed to a conflict. When Christians think about talking to someone else about a conflict, one of the first verses that comes to mind is Matthew 18:15: "If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you." If this verse is read in isolation, it seems to teach that we must always use direct confrontation to force others to admit they have sinned. If the verse is read in context, however, we see that Jesus had something much more flexible and beneficial in mind than simply standing toe to toe with others and describing their sins. Just before this passage, we find Jesus' wonderful metaphor of a loving shepherd who goes to look for a wandering sheep and then rejoices when it is found (Matt. 18:12

Other Considerations:

• Plan your words carefully (think of how you would want to be confronted)

4TH G: GO AND BE RECONCILED

• If repeated, careful attempts at a private discussion are not fruitful, and if the matter is still too serious to overlook, you should ask one or two other people to meet with you and your opponent and help you to resolve your differences through mediation, arbitration, or accountability (see Matt. 18:16 20; 1 Cor. 6:1 8; for more guidance on getting such help, click Get Help With Conflict.)

First, remember that God does not measure success in terms of results but in terms of faithful obedience. He knows that you cannot force other people to act in a certain way. Therefore he will not hold you responsible for their actions or for the ultimate outcome of a conflict.

All God expects of you is to obey his revealed will as faithfully as possible (see Rom. 12:18). If you do that, no matter how the conflict turns out, you can walk away with a clear conscience before God, knowing that his appraisal is, "Well done, good and faithful servant."

• Recognize your limits (only God can change people; see Rom. 12:18; 2 Tim. 2:24 26)

Praise God that he never says this! Instead, he forgives you totally and opens the way for genuine reconciliation. He calls you to forgive others in exactly the same way: "Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col. 3:12 14; see also 1 Cor. 13:5; Psalm 103:12; Isa. 43:25). One way to imitate God's forgiveness is to make the Four Promises of Forgiveness when you forgive someone.

If an initial conversation does not resolve a conflict, do not give up. Review what was said and done, and look for ways to make a better approach during a follow up conversation. It may also be wise to ask a spiritually mature friend for advice on how to approach the other person more effectively. Then try again with even stronger prayer support.

• Choose the right time and place (talk in person whenever possible)

Be Prepared for Unreasonable People

• Listen carefully (Prov. 18:13)

• Anticipate likely reactions and plan appropriate responses (rehearsals can be very helpful)

One of the most unique features of biblical peacemaking is the pursuit of genuine forgiveness and reconciliation. Even though Christians have experienced the greatest forgiveness in the world, we often fail to show that forgiveness to others. To cover up our disobedience we often use the shallow statement, "I forgive her

• Assume the best about the other person until you have facts to prove otherwise (Prov. 11:27)

• Speak only to build others up (Eph. 4:29)

• Ask for feedback from the other person

•

Remember that forgiveness is a spiritual process that you cannot fully accomplish on your own.

Therefore, as you seek to forgive others, continually ask God for grace to enable you to imitate his wonderful forgiveness toward you.

I just don't want to have anything to do with her again." Just think, however, how you would feel if God said to you, "I forgive you; I just don't want to have anything to do with you again"?

Whenever you are responding to conflict, you need to realize that other people may harden their hearts and refuse to be reconciled to you. There are two ways you can prepare for this possibility.

•

2). Instead of living the perfect lives needed to enjoy fellowship with him, each of us has a record stained with sin (see Matt. 5:48; Rom. 3:23). As a result, we deserve to be eternally separated from God (Rom. 6:23a). That is the bad news.

Keep doing what is right (see 1 Pet. 2;12, 15; 3:15b 16)

Second, resolve that you will not give up on finding a biblical solution. If a dispute is not easily resolved, you may be tempted to say, "Well, I tried all the biblical principles I know, and they just didn't work. It looks like I'll have to handle this another way (meaning, 'the world's way')."

• Use the ultimate weapon: deliberate, focused love (see also John 3:16; Luke 6:27 31)

Even if other people persist in doing wrong, you can continue to trust that God is in control and will deal with them in his time (see Psalms 10 and 37). This kind of patience in the face of suffering is commended by God (see 1 Pet. 2:19) and ultimately results in our good and his glory.

Get Help from Above

Peace with God does not come automatically, because all of us have sinned and alienated ourselves from him (see Isa. 59:1

•

A Christian should never close the Bible. When you try to resolve a conflict but do not see the results you desire, you should seek God even more earnestly through prayer, the study of his Word, and the counsel of his church. As you do so, it is essential to keep your focus on Christ and all that he has already done for you (see Col. 3:1 4). It is also helpful to follow five principles for overcoming evil, which are described in Romans 12:14 21:

• Control your tongue ("Bless those who curse you;" see also Eph. 4:29)

Recognize your limits (instead of retaliating, stay within proper biblical channels)

• Seek godly advisors (identify with others and do not become isolated)

At the very least, these steps will protect you from being consumed by the acid of your own bitterness and resentment if others continue to oppose you. And in some cases, God may eventually use such actions to bring another person to repentance (see 1 Sam. 24:1 22).

The good news is that "God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life" (John 3:16). Believing in Jesus means more than being baptized, going to church, or trying to be a good person. None of these activities can erase the sins you have already committed and will continue to commit throughout your life. Believing in Jesus means, first of all, admitting that you are a sinner and acknowledging that there is no way you can earn God's approval by your own works (Rom. 3:20; Eph. 2:8 9).

If you have never confessed your sin to God and believed in Jesus Christ as your Savior, Lord, and King, you can do so right now by sincerely praying this prayer: Lord Jesus,

None of us can make complete and lasting peace with others in our own strength. We must have help from God. But before we can receive that help, we need to be at peace with God himself.

Second, it means believing that Jesus paid the full penalty for your sins when he died on the cross (Isa. 53:1 12; 1 Peter 2:24 25). In other words, believing in Jesus means trusting that he exchanged records with you at Calvary that is, he took your sinful record on himself and paid for it in full, giving you his perfect record.

When you believe in Jesus and receive his perfect record of righteousness, you can really have true peace with God. As you receive this peace, God will give you an increasing ability to make peace with others by following the peacemaking principles he gives us in Scripture, many of which are described above (see Phil. 4:7; Matt. 5:9).

If you have prayed this prayer, it is essential that you find fellowship with other Christians in a church where the Bible is faithfully taught and applied. This fellowship will help you to learn more about God, grow in your faith, and obey what he commands, even when you are involved in a difficult conflict.

Conflict can make life very awkward. It often catches us off guard and leads us to say and do things we later regret. When someone offends us, we often react without thinking. Soon it is as if we are sliding down a slippery slope and things are going from bad to worse. As the illustration shows, this slippery slope can drop off in two directions.

I know that I am a sinner, and I realize that my good deeds could never make up for my wrongs. I need your forgiveness. I believe that you died for my sins, and I want to turn away from them. I trust you now to be my Savior, and I will follow you as my Lord and King, in the fellowship of your church.

Suicide When people lose all hope of resolving a conflict, they may seek to escape the situation (or make a desperate cry for help) by attempting to take their own lives. Suicide is never a right way to

ESCAPE RESPONSES

Adapted from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict.

As God helps you to practice his peacemaking principles, you will be able to resolve most of the normal conflicts of daily life on your own. Sometimes, however, you will encounter situations that you do not know how to handle. In such situations, it is appropriate to turn to a spiritually mature person within the church who can give you advice on how you might be able to apply these principles more effectively. In most cases, such "coaching" will enable you to go back to the other person in the conflict and work out your differences in private. If the person from whom you seek advice does not have much experience in conflict resolution, it may be helpful to give him or her a copy of

When individual advice does not enable you to resolve a dispute, you should ask one or two mutually respected friends to meet with you and your opponent to help you settle your difference through mediation or arbitration (see Matt. 18:16 17; 1 Cor. 6:1 8). For more information on how to get guidance and assistance in resolving a dispute, click Get Help With Conflict.

The three responses found on the left side of the slippery slope are commonly used by people who are more interested in avoiding or getting away from a conflict than resolving it.

Flight Another way to escape from a conflict is to run away. This may take the form of ending a friendship, quitting a job, filing for divorce, or leaving a church. Flight may be legitimate in extreme situations (see 1 Sam. 19:9 10), but in most cases it only postpones a proper solution to the problem (see Gen. 16:6 8).

THE SLIPPERY SLOPE OF CONFLICT STAYING ON TOP OF CONFLICT

Guiding People through Conflict, which provides practical, nuts and bolts guidance on how to help other people resolve conflict.

Denial One way to escape from a conflict is to pretend that no problem exists. Another way is to refuse to do what should be done to resolve a conflict properly. These responses bring only temporary relief and usually make matters worse (see 1 Sam. 2:22 25).

Get Help from the Church

Murder In extreme cases, people may be so desperate to win a dispute that they will try to kill those who oppose them (see Acts 7:54 58). While most people would not actually kill someone, we should never forget that we stand guilty of murder in God's eyes when we harbor anger or contempt in our hearts toward others (see 1 John 3:15; Matt. 5:21 22).

Litigation Although some conflicts may legitimately be taken before a civil judge (see Acts 24:1 26:32; Rom. 13:1 5), lawsuits usually damage relationships, diminish our Christian witness, and often fail to achieve complete justice. This is why Christians are commanded to make every effort to settle their differences within the church rather than the civil courts (see Matt. 5:25 26; 1 Cor. 6:1 8).

The six responses found on the top portion of the slippery slope are directed at finding a just and mutually agreeable solution to a conflict. These responses may be divided into two categories: personal peacemaking responses and assisted responses: Personal peacemaking responses are carried out in private between the parties themselves. Although it is appropriate for one or both parties to seek advice on how to implement these responses, they should normally try to resolve their differences one on one before asking others to intervene in the dispute.

Negotiation Even if we successfully resolve relational issues, we may still need to work through material issues related to money, property, or other rights. This should be done through a cooperative bargaining process in which you and the other person seek to reach a settlement that satisfies the legitimate needs of each side. "Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Phil. 2:4).

If the parties cannot resolve a dispute through personal peacemaking, they should pursue one of the

5). ATTACK RESPONSES

CONCILIATION RESPONSES

Overlook an offense Many disputes are so insignificant that they should be resolved by quietly and deliberately overlooking an offense. "A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense" (Prov. 19:11). Overlooking an offense is a form of forgiveness, and involves a deliberate decision not to talk about it, dwell on it, or let it grow into pent up bitterness or anger.

24). "Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently" (Gal. 6:1; see Matt. 18:15). "Forgive as the Lord forgave you" (Col. 3:13).

deal with conflict (see Matt. 27:1

Assault Some people try to overcome an opponent by using various forms of force or intimidation, such as verbal attacks (including gossip and slander), physical violence, or efforts to damage a person financially or professionally (see Acts 6:8 15). Such conduct usually escalates conflict.

The Gospel Is the Key to Peace. A true peacemaker is guided, motivated, and empowered by the gospel, the good news that God has forgiven all our sins and made peace with us through the death and resurrection of his Son (Col. 1:19 20). Through Christ he has also enabled us to break the habit of escaping from conflict or attacking others, and he has empowered us to become peacemakers who can promote genuine justice and reconciliation (Col. 3:12 14).

Reconciliation If an offense is too serious to overlook or has damaged our relationship, we need to resolve personal or relational issues through confession, loving correction, and forgiveness. "[If] your brother has something against you ... go and be reconciled" (Matt. 5:23

The three responses found on the right side of the slippery slope are often used by people who are more interested in winning a conflict than in preserving a relationship.

SEVEN A’S OF CONFESSION

Arbitration When you and an opponent cannot come to a voluntary agreement on a material issue, you may appoint one or more arbitrators to listen to your arguments and render a binding decision to settle the issue. "If you have disputes about such matters, appoint as judges even men of little account in the church" (1 Cor. 6:4).

• Admit specifically (Both attitudes and actions)

Accountability If a person who professes to be a Christian refuses to be reconciled and do what is right, Jesus commands his or her church leaders to formally intervene to hold him or her accountable to Scripture and to promote repentance, justice, and forgiveness: "If he refuses to listen [to others], tell it to the church" (Matt. 18:17)

As God opens your eyes to see how you have sinned against others, he simultaneously offers you a way to find freedom from your past wrongs. It is called confession. Many people have never experienced this freedom because they have never learned how to confess their wrongs honestly and unconditionally. Instead, they use words like these: "I'm sorry if I hurt you." "Let's just forget the past." "I suppose I could have done a better job." "I guess it's not all your fault." These token statements rarely trigger genuine forgiveness and reconciliation. If you really want to make peace, ask God to help you breathe grace by humbly and thoroughly admitting your wrongs. One way to do this is to use the Seven A's.

• Accept the consequences (Such as making restitution)

• Acknowledge the hurt (Express sorrow for hurting someone)

Pause Principle Even when you manage to resolve personal offenses through confession and forgiveness, you may still need to deal with substantive issues, which may involve money, property, or the exercise of certain rights. These issues should not be swept under the carpet or automatically passed to a higher authority. Instead, they should be negotiated in a biblically faithful manner.

• Ask for forgiveness See Matthew 7:3 5; 1 John 1:8 9; Proverbs 28:13.

As you can see, the escape responses only postpone a proper solution to a problem, and attack responses usually damage relationships and make conflicts worse. Therefore, you should generally try first to deal with conflict personally and privately by using one of the first three conciliation responses (overlooking, discussion, or negotiation). To learn how to carry out these steps in a biblically faithful manner, see The Four G's If repeated efforts at personal peacemaking do not resolve a matter, then you may need to pursue one of the other conciliation responses (mediation, arbitration, or accountability), which will require the assistance of other people in your church or community. For more information on these assisted responses, see Resolving Conflict through Christian Conciliation.

17 assisted responses. This will require that they seek help from other people in their church or community. Mediation

• Alter your behavior (Change your attitudes and actions)

• Avoid if, but, and maybe (Do not try to excuse your wrongs)

• Address everyone involved (All those whom you affected)

If two people cannot reach an agreement in private, they should ask one or more objective outside people to meet with them to help them communicate more effectively and explore possible solutions. "If he will not listen [to you], take one or two others along" (Matt. 18:16). These mediators may ask questions and give advice, but they have no authority to force you to accept a particular solution.

• Evaluate options objectively and reasonably (evaluate, don't argue)

• Search for creative solutions (prayerful brainstorming)

If you have never used this approach to negotiation before, it will take time and practice (and sometimes advice from others) to become proficient at it. But it is well worth the effort, because learning the PAUSE principle will help you not only to resolve your present dispute but also to negotiate more effectively in all areas of your life.

• "I will not talk to others about this incident."

One of the most important steps a church can take to prevent this type of confusion and conflict is to adopt clear and comprehensive governing and relational policies. Traditional church governance documents include a constitution and bylaws, which are sometimes linked to a denominational book of church order.

Taken from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, by Ken Sande (Updated Edition, Baker Books, 2003).

RELATIONAL COMMITMENTS

18 As a general rule, you should try to negotiate substantive issues in a cooperative manner rather than a competitive manner. In other words, instead of aggressively pursuing your own interests and letting others look out for themselves, you should deliberately look for solutions that are beneficial to everyone involved.

• "I will not bring up this incident again and use it against you."

• Understand interests (identify others' concerns, desires, needs, limitations, or fears)

A biblical approach to negotiation may be summarized in five basic steps, which we refer to as the PAUSE Principle:

As the Apostle Paul put it, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others" (Phil. 2:3 4; see Matt. 22:39; 1 Cor. 13:5; Matt. 7:12).

• Affirm relationships (show genuine concern and respect for others)

FOUR PROMISES OF FORGIVENESS Through forgiveness God tears down the walls that our sins have built, and he opens the way for a renewed relationship with him. This is exactly what we must do if we are to forgive as the Lord forgives us: We must release the person who has wronged us from the penalty of being separated from us. We must not hold wrongs against others, not think about the wrongs, and not punish others for them. Therefore, forgiveness may be described as a decision to make four promises:

• "I will not let this incident stand between us or hinder our personal relationship." By making and keeping these promises, you can tear down the walls that stand between you and your offender. You promise not to dwell on or brood over the problem or to punish by holding the person at a distance. You clear the way for your relationship to develop unhindered by memories of past wrongs. This is exactly what God does for us, and it is what he calls us to do for others.

• Prepare (pray, get the facts, seek godly counsel, develop options)

• "I will not dwell on this incident."

Much of the conflict that churches experience today arises because they have not clearly established and communicated how they will govern their affairs and relate to one another. As a result, there can be significant confusion and disagreement among both leaders and members over how a church will function and act. When members' expectations are not met and they are treated differently than they wish or expect, they can become deeply offended. All too often this leads them to move from church to church, and in some cases to file retaliatory lawsuits.

19 These types of documents are crucial to establishing a church's legal right to govern itself. Courts strongly support the "right of association," which involves, among other things, a right to associate for advancement of common belief, a right to establish standards for members, and a right to exclude and expel persons from membership.

• They help to prevent surprises, disappointed expectations, confusion and conflict by describing how church members and leaders expect to relate to one another within the church.

Each of these issues is specifically addressed

• They remind church members of their mutual commitment to work together to pursue unity, maintain friendships, preserve marriages, and build relationships that reflect the love of Christ.

1. It prevents these important concepts from being buried in and obscured by the more general governing provisions of your bylaws, thus increasing the likelihood the people will actually read and understand them.

• They provide a clear track for a church to run on when conflict threatens to divide them, and they show how to move quickly toward reconciliation.

Most courts will uphold reasonable practices conducted pursuant to clearly established religious beliefs. Therefore, clear and detailed governing documents can play a decisive role in conflicts in which a court is asked to scrutinize a church's conduct.

• They define and limit the spiritual authority of the church leaders and thereby insure that all members are treated fairly.

3. It provides a simple and winsome way to let visitors know how the people in your church love, encourage, support and minister to one another; this may lead visitors to think more seriously about

Even the best of church documents almost always fail to fully address crucial relational issues that can lead to devastating conflicts or legal liability. These issues include: • conflict resolution and lawsuits against the church • marriage, divorce, and remarriage • preventing and responding to sexual abuse • biblical counseling • confidentiality • accountability and church discipline.

• They establish guidelines for how the church leaders will counsel others, guard confidential information, and protect children from abuse.

These Commitments pull together key relational principles from God's Word and serve as relational guidelines for a particular congregation. These Commitments accomplish several important purposes:

in Peacemaker Ministries' model Relational Commitments

Although these commitments could be added directly to a church's bylaws, Peacemaker Ministries recommends that they be organized in a separate document that is referred to within the bylaws. This approach can simplify efforts to educate people and obtain informed consent on these issues. A separate Relational Commitments document provides four benefits:

2. It presents these concepts in a more personal, pastoral and appealing form, thus increasing the likelihood that people will have a positive impression when they first see these commitments.

• Finally, they reduce the church's exposure to legal liability by clearly establishing its relational practices and by affirming a mutual commitment to resolve conflict biblically.

20 joining your church.

• It presents these concepts in a more personal and appealing form, thus increasing the likelihood that people will have a positive impression when they first see these commitments.

By adopting relational commitments, every church has an opportunity to clearly articulate the biblical principles that guide its relationships, to reduce its exposure to legal liability, and to establish a legal ability to exercise appropriate biblical authority over members and non members alike. Given the legal and practical importance of having clear governing documents, it is essential that a church carefully set forth in writing all of its key governing and relational policies and practices. When doing so, it is wise to include a clearly articulated theological rationale for practices and policies that may be controversial in today’s culture, to show that they are based on the church’s sincerely held religious beliefs.1 Typically, churches have addressed these issues solely through their governing bylaws. Relational Commitments provide a way to meet these goals that is far more user friendly and approachable. Even the best of church bylaws almost always fail to address crucial relational issues that can lead to devastating conflicts or legal liability.2 These issues include: • conflict resolution and lawsuits against the church, • marriage and divorce, • preventing and responding to sexual abuse, • biblical counseling, • confidentiality, and • accountability and church discipline.

• It prevents these important concepts from being buried in and obscured by the more general governing provisions of your bylaws, thus increasing the likelihood the people will actually read and understand them.

It provides a simple and winsome way to let visitors know how the people in your church love, encourage, support and minister to one another; this may lead visitors to think more seriously about joining your church.

Each of these issues is specifically addressed in the model Relational Commitments document provided in the Supplemental Materials binder (and CD) contained in The Leadership Opportunity. This document is the key to obtaining informed consent to these crucial practices within your church. Note: It is also included at the bottom of this article and available free from www.peacemaker.net Although each of these commitments could be established as a bylaw, Peacemaker Ministries recommends that they be organized in a separate document outside your bylaws, which is referred to within the bylaws. This approach can simplify your efforts to educate your people and obtain informed consent on these issues. A separate Relational Commitments document provides four benefits:

•

ADOPTING RELATIONAL COMMITMENTS

4. It allows you to present these concepts to attenders and let them know that these commitments apply to all the people who regularly worship in your church, whether they are members or attenders. In other words, a separate Relational Commitments document, properly used, can help you to obtained informed consent to your practices from every person who regularly attends your church, regardless of whether they become formal members.

• It allows you to present these concepts to attenders and let them know that these commitments apply to all the people who regularly worship in your church, whether they are members or attenders. In other words, a separate Relational Commitments document, properly used, can help you to obtain informed consent to your practices from every person who regularly attends your church, regardless of whether they become formal members.

Second, church leaders could revise the Commitments and then present them to the congregation for discussion and further adaptation. Once there is general support for these concepts, the congregation could be asked to approve a bylaw amendment that authorizes the leaders to adopt, revise, and implement the Commitments. The bylaw could read as follows: Relational Commitments: The elders are authorized to develop, amend, and implement biblical Relational Commitments pertaining to peacemaking and reconciliation, preserving marriages, protecting children, biblical counseling, confidentiality, accountability and church discipline, and other relational issues. These Commitments will guide and govern relationships among both members and attenders of our church, and are incorporated into these bylaws by reference. The advantage of this approach is that leaders can make future refinements to the Commitments without having to come back to the congregation for approval each time there is a change. (To maintain informed consent, the congregation must be informed of any substantive changes, however.)

: Relationships in the church will be guided and governed by the biblical principles set forth in a document entitled “Relational Commitments,” which is incorporated into these bylaws by reference. This document establishes our commitments related to peacemaking and reconciliation, preserving marriages, protecting children, biblical counseling, confidentiality, accountability, and church discipline. These Commitments shall apply to both members and attenders of our church, and may be amended from time to time in the same way that these bylaws may be amended.

Third, church leaders can revise the Commitments and then present them to the church for discussion, further adaptation, and official adoption by the congregation. Formal adoption can be accomplished through a congregational vote that is recorded in the Minutes or by amending the bylaws to include an appropriate reference to the Commitments. This bylaw could read as follows:

Any church may use the model Relational Commitments. Since these Commitments may affect important spiritual, ecclesiastical and liability issues, however, Peacemaker Ministries strongly recommends that they be used only by churches that have conducted a church wide teaching of biblical peacemaking principles through the materials in Peacemaker Ministries’ Peacemaking Church Resource Set and The Leadership Opportunity resources and have consulted with a local attorney about modifying the Commitments to satisfy local laws.

1. Adapting and Adopting Relational Commitments

Relational Commitments

The disadvantage to this approach is that future revisions will take more time and effort because each will require a congregational vote. The advantage is that the congregation is likely to have a stronger sense of ownership in the Commitments. Commitments adopted by a congregational vote might also carry more weight in some courts. For these reasons, Peacemaker Ministries recommends this approach as the best option of the three.

First, if church leaders believe they have adequate authority, they can revise and adopt the Commitments on their own authority. They can then present them to the congregation as a binding statement of church practice.

Churches are free to adapt these Commitments to fit their particular polity, traditions and convictions. In general, there are at least different three ways that these Commitments could be revised and officially adopted by a church.

2. Applying Relational Commitments to Regular Attenders

Certainly no other pastor wants to have such people walk into his church unannounced. Therefore, no pastor should willingly turn such people loose on other churches (Matt. 7:12). There are two complementary solutions to this problem. The first is to actively encourage people to “stop dating the church,”4 to make a formal commitment to membership, and to expressly submit to your bylaws and Relational Commitments.

One of the most serious legal liability issues faced by modern churches is how to hold non member, regular attenders accountable to live godly lives. This issue is usually ignored until an attender is involved in sinful or disruptive behavior that may undermine the unity of the church or harm other people.

The second part of the solution is to obtain from regular attenders “implied informed consent” to your Relational Commitments. Implied informed consent means that a person has implicitly or indirectly consented to something by virtue of his conduct rather than by an explicit statement or signed document.5 The first step in securing this type of consent is to have your church officially adopt the Commitments. After your members have reviewed, discussed, and officially adopted the Relational Commitments, you will need to follow up with attenders to ensure that they understand that the Commitments will apply to them as well if they continue to attend your church. One way to do this is through a follow up letter to attenders that explains your church’s adoption of the Relational Commitments.6

Some churches have initiated formal corrective discipline and proceeded to “tell it to the church” (Matt. 18:17). Publicizing personal information without informed consent, however, can expose a church to lawsuits resulting in substantial damages awards. 3

Through the letter you should draw existing attenders’ attention to the two paragraphs at the end of the introductory section of the Commitments: We encourage you to expressly embrace these Commitments and formally join our church by going through our membership class, acknowledging your faith in Christ, and signing the Church Covenant provided at the end of this document. If you are not yet prepared to become a member, we hope you and your family will continue to worship with us, enjoy our Sunday school, find fellowship in a small group, and call on our leaders if you need counsel and support in difficult times.

Most leaders realize that they can legitimately approach a troublesome attender and encourage repentance through personal and private conversations consistent with Matthew 18:15. If such conversations are unfruitful, they could take the process to the Matthew 18:16 level by involving two or three others in private conversations with a recalcitrant attender. But if that does not resolve the problem, leaders face a major dilemma.

The more typical response is to quietly and privately urge the attender to find another church. This may be an appropriate response in some situations, but most of the time it inevitably perpetuates the attender’s sin and exposes another congregation to his harmful beliefs or behavior. This can have grave consequences when the attender has a pattern of spreading gossip or sowing discord, sexually seducing others, or defrauding people financially.

If you choose to continue relating to us in any of these ways without joining the church, we will assume that you have consented to these Commitments, which will guide our relationship with you. (See “A Tale of Two Families” to learn why.)7 As followers of Christ, we will do all we can to encourage you to grow in faith and godliness and to live a disciplined life that honors our Lord Jesus Christ and enhances the witness of our church.

• your original Relational Commitments and any subsequent revisions;

• annual follow up sermons reminding people of your congregation’s continued affirmation of these Commitments.

These paragraphs put current attenders on notice that even if they do not become members, their continued attendance at your church will be construed as implied informed consent to your Relational Commitments. In other words, if at this point they choose to continue relating to you, they will be expected to respect and abide by the same relational guidelines that apply to all of the other people who engage in these relational activities.

As part of your normal visitation process, a leader would schedule a visit to explain your church’s vision, mission, membership policies and Relational Commitments. The attender should be given a copy of the Commitments. The leader can highlight the biblical basis for each provision and the benefits your church experiences by following God’s principles, and answer any questions. He or she can then invite the attender to formally join the church, and point out that even if he does not join, the Commitments will apply to him if he continues to attend your church. The attender’s response can be noted in writing on the response card. This can all be done in a positive and winsome way by emphasizing the biblical principles and benefits that are set forth throughout the Commitments document.8

If you adopt this approach, it is essential that you keep detailed written records of all the steps you’ve taken to inform attenders of your Relational Commitments.9 Ideally, this would include records of the following documents and activities:

• signed cards that indicate attenders’ response to the Commitments; and

You can enclose a response card along with your letter and ask attenders to send it back to the church to acknowledge their receipt and understanding of the Commitments. This signed card can serve as important evidence of informed consent. Church leaders can follow up with personal calls or visits to attenders who fail to return the card and may have specific questions or concerns about the Commitments. The final step in this process of obtaining implied informed consent is to develop a consistent process to ensure that new attenders are personally introduced to your Relational Commitments after they have had time to enjoy your church and form some personal relationships. It would be especially helpful if they go through a small group study or Sunday school class on biblical peacemaking, which would give them an appreciation for the principles underlying your Relational Commitments.

• any presentations or discussions of the Commitments in any small groups, along with a list of the people who attended those small group meetings;

It is important to realize that implied consent is not as sure a defense as explicit consent, simply because it takes more effort to prove that an individual actually received, read, and implicitly consented to your policy. (A signed membership covenant is a much simpler means of proving

• the initial sermon that introduced your congregation to your Commitments, along with a detailed attendance roster for that day; if that is feasible for your church;

• the letter used to mail copies of the Commitments to all members and attenders who were not in attendance that Sunday, and a list of all people in that mailing;

• personal visits by church leaders to attenders, along with a copy of the specific statements leaders made to inform attenders that their continued attendance would be interpreted as implied informed consent to the Commitments;

7. “A Tale of Two Families” is a parable at the beginning of the Commitments that is designed to help attenders understand why it is appropriate to expect them to abide by the same Relational Commitments that formal members have affirmed.

9. If this process seems too burdensome, you may of course decide not to apply your Relational Commitments to attenders. If so, you should develop a specific, biblically defensible alternative plan for dealing with attenders who are caught in sin or

24 informed consent.) Even so, implied informed consent can still be the key to dismissing a case or winning a lawsuit if an angry attender threatens to take you to court for carrying out biblical discipline. There is one other important benefit to giving visitors and attenders a copy of your Relational Commitments. As you may have noticed, the Commitments are written in a way that will appeal to people who are looking for a church that puts a high priority on honoring God and fostering healthy relationships. The Commitments clearly indicate that your church is dedicated to promoting peace and reconciliation, preserving marriages and preventing divorce, providing solid biblical counseling, respecting confidences, protecting children from abuse, and using loving discipline to restore people who need help to break free from sin.

2. The issue of marriage and divorce is included in this list to encourage churches to inform members and attenders of the church’s commitment to do all it can to preserve marriages, including exercising discipline when people break their marriage covenant without biblical reasons.

These are values that many people are earnestly looking for in a church today. When visitors see your commitment to these values, many of them may decide that your church is exactly where God wants them to be.

8. Detailed guidelines for these visitation meetings, including suggested questions and discussion points, are provided on The Leadership Opportunity Supplemental Materials CD (see “Obtaining Informed Consent from Attenders”).

6. See The Leadership Opportunity Supplemental Materials CD.

3. See Hester v. Barnett, 723 S.W.2d 544, 559 (Missouri 1987).

Finally, you will notice that the Commitments state that when leaders’ time or other church resources are limited, members will receive attention ahead of attenders (see Gal. 6:10). This policy may encourage attenders to commit themselves to the church through full membership, rather than casually hang around year after year.

1. You will find this kind of theological explanation and support in nearly all of the model documents offered in conjunction with Peacemaker Ministries' resource called The Leadership Opportunity. Citing biblical authority throughout your governing and relational documents can provide an additional defense against court intrusion into your church governance and practices.

4. See Joshua Harris’ excellent book by this name: Stop Dating the Church. Sisters, OR: Multnomah, 2004.

5. For example, in Smith v. Calvary Christian Church, 614 N.W.2d 590 (Mich. Sup. Ct. 2000), the court found that a member’s continued involvement in the church by attending services and meetings, even after his withdrawal, indicated his implicit agreement to remain subject to the church’s governance, even though he had indicated that he had withdrawn his membership.

Endnotes:

at some time or other, every leader has inadvertently caused a conflict through an unpopular decision, poor communication, or even one careless word. Even in the healthiest churches, conflict and leadership are interwoven threads.

Leadership and Conflict: Interwoven Threads in every sphere of life home, work, family, and especially the church leadership really matters.

Why is the Bible’s image of “shepherds after my own heart” so critical to understanding biblical leadership and peacemaking?

As we all know, leadership is hard, but it is perhaps most challenging in those moments where leadership and conflict intersect. If you’re a leader, you often sit at the center of conflict those times when tension surfaces in a leaders’ meeting, when you are managing a difficult change, or when the angry couple is sitting in your office. And leaders don’t just see other people’s conflicts

THE LEADER’S RESPONSE.

The following is a description of The Leadership Opportunity training program created by Peacemakers: WHY THIS STUDY ON LEADERSHIP?

What are the key skills needed to help church members who are in a conflict?

25 undermining the well being of your congregation. Quietly asking them to leave and impose their problems on another church

How do you handle those difficult situations and meetings where

is not biblical (Matt. 7:12; 18:12 14).

. While many worthwhile resources on leadership exist, The Leadership

Opportunity stands alone in addressing this distinct area of conflict and leadership. Based on over 25 years of work with churches and church leaders and as part of a larger family of resources for churches, The Leadership Opportunity is a solidly biblical resource, providing highly practical help for the common conflicts that all leaders face. It was created by church leaders for church leaders, and it will help any church lay the solid foundation of leadership needed in order to build a culture of peace. Hard questions this study answers:

Why is a unified leadership team so important, and how do you build one?

How do you lead your church through difficult changes?

Why is applying the gospel the key to leadership and conflict?

How do leadership styles create conflict?

Conflict provides an opportunity for the church leader to respond in a way that is markedly different living out the gospel of Jesus Christ in those critical moments when conflict and leadership intersect.

conflict is flaring up right in front of you?

When conflict threatens to shake the foundations of your church, wise leadership can hold your church together, creating a solid structure that can withstand the forces of damaging conflict. However, all too often, leaders default to worldly solutions by avoiding or attacking, and they end up standing by as the building crumbles. Compounding this problem is the recent unhealthy infiltration of corporate thinking into church leadership the “results over relationships” approach may sound good, but it actually adds to the damage.

A BIBLICAL ALTERNATIVE

The study centers on fourteen DVD based lessons (most churches will choose 8 10 to study) along with a detailed study guide. Each lesson takes about an hour (depending on discussion), so there are several study format options: • A weekend leadership retreat • 2 3 Saturday mornings

Core Sessions (recommended for all leaders)

WHO IS THIS RESOURCE FOR?

What Topics Does The Study Cover?

Learning to Prevent and Fight the Fires of Conflict • Watch Session 1 now | Download Study Guide for Session 1

SESSION 1: True Leaders Must Be Peacemakers

• One lesson at a time, either weekly or at your regular leadership meeting

A Vision and Practical Strategy Application Sessions (choose which of these to study)

How do you encourage church membership and follow a redemptive approach to church discipline? What risk management policies and practices should all churches implement?

This resource is aimed at the core leadership team of a church. While this looks different for different churches, you will know exactly who that means for your church setting. It most definitely means pastoral staff and governing leaders, but you may also want to include small group leaders and other ministry leaders as well.

Obviously, there are many variants to these approaches. The approach your church takes is completely up to you the study is flexible, and you should decide how it will work best for your church leadership team.

The Leadership Opportunity includes four core sessions unpacking the heart and role of a peacemaking leader and eight application sessions designed to address real life situations where leadership and conflict seem to intersect.

SESSIONS 2 & 3: The Shepherd Leader

Understanding Peacemaking through Scripture’s Central

SESSION 4: Building a Culture of Peace in Your Church

Image of Leadership

How Will You Use This Resource?

SESSIONS 6 & 7: Leading Through Change without Dividing the Flock Part 1 A Biblical Alternative to Secular Thinking

These materials contain model forms and other documents to help your church develop and implement membership, discipline, and risk management policies that are consistent with the teaching in this study. • Peacemaking Principles pamphlets (10)

• Study Guides (5) The 152 page Study Guide is a complete companion to the DVD sessions, and all participants need one for their personal use and note taking. The set includes five guides, so if your group is larger, be sure to order more

Part 1 A Vision for Redemptive Discipline as God’s Gift and Blessing to the Church Part 2

Part 2 Mediation (helping two or more to be reconciled)

• Quick Start Guide An overview of the materials in the resource and a helpful guide to choosing the sessions you'll study.

• DVD Set 4 DVDs containing 14 video teaching sessions (each about 30 minutes long)

Using Membership Commitments to Enable Faithful Ministry

These pamphlets are summaries of the basic principles of biblical peacemaking.

The “Why” and “How” of United Church Leadership Teams

BONUS SESSIONS

• Detailed Table of Contents (PDF)

• Leader's Guide This short booklet explains how the study works and gives some helpful tips on how to lead your group effectively • Supplemental Materials binder (with CD)

• While Shepherds Watch Their Flocks devotional book

Part 3 Negotiation of difficult issues SESSIONS 11 & 12: Mutual Accountability in the Body of Christ

One important theme in this study is the need for shepherd leadership (see sessions 2 & 3). This 40 day devotional book provides an excellent companion to the study, allowing you to dig deeper into this rich biblical image. We encourage you to provide copies for your entire group

• What's included in the set?

• APPENDIX A: An Overview of Biblical Peacemaking

Part 2 Biblical Theology and Practical Guidance

SESSIONS 8 10: Always a Peacemaker Practical Skills for the Peacemaking Leader Part 1 Coaching (guiding an individual through conflict)

• APPENDIX B: An Introduction to Risk Management (including a valuable set of model forms and other documents to help your church implement biblical policies in the areas of membership, discipline, and legal risk management)

SESSION 5: Building a Unified Church Leadership Team

The following Commitments and Church Covenant are designed to help the people who attend our church relate to one another in a way that honors God and promotes authentic relationships. These Commitments cover important relational issues, such as peacemaking and reconciliation, marriage and divorce, protecting children from abuse, counseling, confidentiality, and mutual accountability. These Commitments are intended to help us build a strong community of faith. By community, we mean a group of people who have voluntarily joined together to encourage and support one another as we worship God, grow in our understanding of his love for us, and seek to tell others about the salvation and peace they, too, can find through faith in Jesus Christ.

• They remind us of our mutual commitment to work together to pursue unity, maintain friendships, preserve marriages, and build relationships that reflect the love of Christ.

MODEL RELATIONAL COMMITMENTS BOOKLET

• Finally, they reduce our church's exposure to legal liability by clearly establishing our relational practices and by affirming our mutual commitment to resolve conflict biblically.2

We know that true community isn't easy to achieve. Each of us brings our own expectations and agendas into the church. This diversity usually leads to rich discussions and creative ministries; but sometimes it can lead to conflict. As James 4:1

2 warns, “What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you? You want something but don’t get it.”

As you read our Relational Commitments, we encourage you to study the Bible passages that are cited next to particular provisions. We want you to be confident that these Commitments are based solidly on the Word of God. If your study does not answer all of your questions and concerns, please do not hesitate to approach our leaders, who will be happy to talk with you about these principles.

That certainly describes us! At times, no matter how hard we try to build a close community of faith, our desires and expectations still clash. That’s where these Commitments come in. They pull together key principles from God’s Word and serve as our relational guidelines. These Commitments accomplish several important purposes:

EXPLANATION TO LEADERS

Purpose: To promote peace, preserve relationships, reduce a church’s exposure to legal liability, and ultimately to improve a church’s ability to model and proclaim the gospel of Christ.

1 When we use the term “leader” in these Commitments, we are referring to the pastors and elders of our church. 2 See for information on how these Commitments can help to prevent conflict and reduce exposure to legal liability in our church.

INTRODUCTION

• They define and limit the spiritual authority of church leaders and thereby insure that all members are treated fairly. 1

www.PeacemakerChurch.net

We encourage you to expressly embrace these Commitments and formally join our church by going

• They establish guidelines for how our leaders will counsel others, guard confidential information, and protect our children from abuse.

• They help to prevent surprises, disappointed expectations, confusion and conflict by describing how we expect to relate to one another within the church.

• They provide a clear track for us to run on when conflict threatens to divide us, and they remind us how to move quickly toward reconciliation.

30 through our membership class, acknowledging your faith in Christ, and signing the Church Covenant provided at the end of this document. (See page 18 for more information about church membership.)

If you are not yet ready to become a member, you and your family are certainly welcome to attend our worship services, find fellowship in a small group, and seek assistance from our leaders. Please realize that if you continue relating to us in any of these ways, we will assume that you have consented to these Commitments, even if you have not yet formally joined the church. (See the story on the next page to learn why these Commitments apply to both members and attenders.)

As followers of Christ, we will do all we can to encourage you to grow in faith and godliness and to live a disciplined life that honors our Lord Jesus Christ and enhances the witness of His church.

The Leaders of [Our Church Name] Adopted on [Date]

Note: These Relational Commitments are adapted from The Peacemaker Church. Used by permission of Peacemaker® Ministries. Edition 1.1 www.PeacemakerChurch.net

Suppose that John and Luke’s father is rescued from an island two years later. When he is reunited with his sons and hears what has happened to them, which family will he thank the most? The Friendly family, who were kind enough to give John a place to hang out, but could not bring themselves to give him any boundaries? Or the Loving family, who welcomed Luke in, held him accountable to the same rules as the rest of the family, and invited him to be a son?

A TALE OF TWO FAMILIES

Not knowing exactly what was expected of him, John frequently disappointed the family by violating unspoken rules. Feeling judged and unconnected to the family, he became increasingly independent. He came and went at any hour, played loud music, and spent long hours in his room with a variety of girls. When Mr. Friendly finally tried to talk with him about his behavior, John said, “I’m not your son, so you have no right to tell me how to live my life. I like having a bedroom and meals whenever I decide to be here, but I’ll still do whatever seems right to me.”

Tensions continued to build, and finally Mr. Friendly asked John to leave. Fortunately for John, there was another Friendly family in town, and they were happy to take him in. But there the cycle started all over again.

After a few months, Mr. Loving approached Luke and said, “Since you are living here like part of the family, we would like to make it official. If you feel this is where you’d like to stay, we’d like to adopt you and make you our son.” Luke gladly accepted and formally committed himself to the family. In doing so, he changed from being an orphan who merely resided in the home to being a son who willingly accepted and enjoyed all of the same responsibilities and privileges of his new brothers and sisters.

The Friendly family did all they could to make John feel welcome in their home. They gave him his own bedroom, provided his meals, and encouraged him to join in family activities. Not wanting him to feel any pressure, they did not explain to him any of the family rules. Instead they hoped that he would notice how their other children behaved and decide on his own to act the same way.

John’s brother had an entirely different experience. Luke was taken in by the Loving family. They wanted him to feel welcome, so they gave him a room, provided meals, and encouraged him to join in family activities. But they also wanted to avoid misunderstandings and conflict. So shortly after Luke arrived, Mr. Loving explained the family rules to Luke, so he would know how to get along with the rest of the family. He said, “Even though you are not my son, I will be glad to look out for you the best I can. But as long as you are in my home, I also will expect you to behave as my other children Likedo.” any normal teenager, Luke sometimes broke the rules. When he did, Mr. Loving sat down with him, pointed out what he’d done wrong, and held him accountable to the same standards he had established for his other children. Luke sometimes resented this discipline, but he eventually realized it was always done in love, and it kept him out of a lot of trouble.

The answer is obvious. And there is a real Father who one day will evaluate the way we care for the people who come into our church family. Therefore, we are glad to welcome people and give them a place to worship, grow and serve. But being “friendly” is not good enough. We want to be loving, as God defines loving (Heb. 12:5 6; 10:24). Therefore, we will encourage and expect everyone who attends our church to live out the biblical principles that are summarized in these Relational Commit ments.

Two boys, John and Luke, lost their mother at a young age. When they were in their teens, their father was reported to have died when his plane crashed into the ocean. The boys had no other relatives, so two neighboring families took them in.

And when people have lived like part of our family for a while, we will encourage them to “make it official.” Living like an orphan, with its illusion of independence and self determination, may seem appealing to some. But it cannot compare to the security, privileges, and sense of belonging that come from joining a biblical church and living as truly committed brothers and sisters in the family of God.

We will try to get the “logs” out of our own eyes before focusing on what others may have done wrong (Matt. 7:3 5).

When others repent, we will ask God to give us grace to forgive them as he has forgiven us (Eph. 4:32).

Our church is committed to building a “culture of peace” that reflects God’s peace and the power of the gospel of Christ in our lives. As we stand in the light of the cross, we realize that bitterness, unforgiveness and broken relationships are not appropriate for the people whom God has reconciled to himself through the sacrifice of his only Son (John 13:34 35; Eph. 4:29 32; Col. 3:12 14).

3). If our dispute is with a church leader, we will look to other leaders for assistance.

We will refrain from all gossip, backbiting and slander (Eph. 4:29). If we have a problem with others, we will talk to them, not about them.

We will seek to overlook minor offenses (Prov. 19:11).

When we discuss or negotiate substantive issues, we will look out for others’ interests as well as our own (Phil. 2:3 4).

COMMITMENT TO PEACEMAKING AND RECONCILIATION

ASSISTED PEACEMAKING

PERSONAL PEACEMAKING

When we offer a word of correction to others, we will do so graciously and gently, with the goal of serving and restoring them, rather than beating them down (Prov. 12:18; Eph. 4:29; Gal. 6:1).

When informal mediation does not resolve a dispute, we will seek formal assistance from our church leaders or people they appoint, and we will submit to their counsel and correction (Matt. 18:17 20). When we have a business or legal dispute with another Christian, we will make every reasonable effort to resolve the conflict within the body of Christ through biblical mediation or arbitration, rather than going to civil court (1 Cor. 6:1

8). If the other party attends another church, our leaders will offer to cooperate with the leaders of that church to resolve the matter.

When a conflict involves matters of doctrine or church discipline, we will submit to the procedures set

Whenever we are faced with conflict, our primary goal will be to glorify God with our thoughts, words and actions (1 Cor. 10:31).

Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called sons of God (Matt. 5:9).

When someone tries to correct us, we will ask God to help us resist prideful defensiveness and to welcome correction with humility (Ps. 141:5; Prov. 15:32).

When two of us cannot resolve a conflict privately, we will seek the mediation of wise people in our church and listen humbly to their counsel (Matt. 18:16; Phil. 4:2

We will make “charitable judgments” toward one another by believing the best about each other until we have facts that prove otherwise (1 Cor. 13:7).

Therefore, we look to the Scriptures and the Holy Spirit for guidance on how we can respond to conflict in a way that will honor God, promote justice, reconcile relationships, and preserve our witness for Christ. As God gives us his wisdom and grace, we are committed to actively teaching and encouraging one another to live out the following principles of peacemaking and reconciliation:

If an offense is too serious to overlook, or if we think someone may have something against us, we will go promptly to seek reconciliation (Matt. 5:23 24; 18:15).

If a person coming to our church has an unresolved conflict with someone in his former church, we will require and assist him to make every reasonable effort to be reconciled to the other person before joining our church (Matt. 5:23 24; Rom. 12:18).

34 forth in our Commitment to Accountability and Church Discipline.

Above all, we pray that our ministry of peacemaking will bring praise to our Lord Jesus Christ and lead others to know his infinite love and peace.3

If we have a legal dispute with or within our church and cannot resolve it internally through the steps given above, we will obey God’s command not to go into the civil court (1 Cor. 6:1 8). Instead, we will submit the matter to mediation and, if necessary, legally binding arbitration, in accordance with the Rules of Procedure for Christian Conciliation of the Institute for Christian Conciliation, a division of Peacemaker Ministries (www.Peacemaker.net).

Adapted from The Peacemaker: A Biblical Guide to Resolving Personal Conflict, by Ken Sande (Baker Books, 3rd Ed. 2004).

Separated spouses who have filed for divorce should consider themselves married until the day a civil court issues a divorce decree. Thus they should refrain from dating or any other activity that is

Because our church recognizes both the divine origin of marriage and the devastating effects of divorce, we are deeply committed to preserving marriages and preventing divorce. Toward this end, we will devote a significant portion of our preaching and teaching ministry to strengthening marriages and families. We require and provide thorough premarital counseling to ensure that couples enter into marriage advisedly and are well prepared for its many challenges.

God designed marriage to reflect the beauty and permanence of Christ’s loving relationship with his bride, the church (Eph. 5:22 33; Rev. 19:7). Therefore, he established marriage to be a life long, exclusive relationship between one man and one woman (Matt. 19:4

6). God also designed it to provide mutual companionship through life’s joys and difficulties, to create stability for raising and nurturing children, and to give strength and cohesiveness to society in general.

COMMITMENT TO PRESERVING MARRIAGES

In our society, marriages fail under a wide range of circumstances. Many people have gone through a divorce before having a relationship with Christ, and others have experienced divorce through no desire or decision of their own. Still others may have divorced because of their own wrongful choices, but have since experienced the repentance and forgiveness offered through our Lord Jesus. We want all of you to know that you are welcome in our church.

So they are no longer two but one. Therefore, what God has joined together, let man not separate (Matt. 19:6).

We also encourage couples to nurture their marriages by participating in weekly fellowship groups in which people can grow together in their love for God and for one another (Heb. 10:24

25). As relationships deepen within these groups, we expect husbands to spur each other on in loving and cherishing their wives, and wives to encourage one another in respecting and loving their husbands (Eph. 5:33). Our leaders are committed to providing counsel and support to couples who face marital difficulties. We will discourage couples from using divorce as a way to run away from issues that instead can be resolved through Spirit guided counseling, repentance, forgiveness and ongoing discipleship. We recognize, however, that there are times when God permits a believer to seek a divorce without sinning against God or a spouse. We believe divorce is permissible when the other spouse has been sexually involved with a person outside the marriage (Matt. 5:31 32), or when an unbelieving spouse abandons a marriage (1 Cor. 7:12 16). Even though divorce is permissible in these situations, it is not required. God patiently bears with our sins, repeatedly calls us to repentance, and freely forgives us when we turn back to him (Ps. 103:8 12; Isa. 55:7). When divorce becomes an option, an offended spouse can imitate God’s love by offering a straying spouse these same evidences of grace (Eph. 5:1 2). This may involve patiently bearing neglect or lovingly confronting serious sin (Col. 3:12 14; Gal. 6:1). In some situations, love may require asking the church to initiate formal discipline to rescue a spouse and a marriage from the devastating effects of unrepentant sin (Matt. 18:12 20).

Just as church leaders are involved in beginning a marriage, they should be involved when it ends. Therefore, when someone is considering divorce, he or she is expected to bring the situation to our leaders and cooperate with them as they determine whether grounds exist, promote repentance and reconciliation, and exhaust redemptive discipline, if appropriate.

We rejoice that divorce never diminishes God’s free offer of love, grace and forgiveness. He cherishes and loves every person who has been unwillingly divorced, as does our church. God graciously extends this same love to those who have wrongly left their marriages. That love moves him (and us) to call them to repentance, to encourage and aid reconciliation when possible, and to gladly restore those who have done all they can to rebuild broken relationships.

36 inconsistent with being married.

We are always interested in helping divorced people restore their previous marriage if that is possible and appropriate. We will support a decision to pursue a second marriage to a different person only when we have determined that it is biblically valid and that every reasonable effort has been made to seek and grant forgiveness of the sins that contributed to a previous divorce.

The prudent see danger and take refuge (Prov. 27:12a).

• We require that, whenever practicable, youth workers serve in teams of two or more and be visible to other workers.

Children are a blessing from God, and he calls the church to support parents in their responsibility to train children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Therefore, the church should be a safe and blessed place for children, where they can grow, play, form friendships, and learn to experience and share the love of Christ.

•

COMMITMENT TO PROTECTING OUR CHILDREN

Since sin affects every person and organization in the world, however, it is possible that children could be harmed even during church activities. We cannot guarantee that such things will never happen within our fellowship, but we are committed to taking every reasonable precaution to protect our children from foreseeable harm. This commitment includes, but is not limited to, the following steps:

We do not allow anyone to work regularly with our youth (children or teenagers), unless he or she has regularly attended our church for at least six months and is a formal member.

• We require all of our youth workers to complete a detailed application and screening process.

If a child is harmed in our church, we will take immediate steps to inform the parents, to accept responsibility for our role in the situation, and to hold offending youth workers fully responsible for their actions. We will also evaluate our practices and procedures, considering changes that might reduce the likelihood of such harm to children in the future.*

* These are the minimal steps a church should take to protect its children from abuse. For more detailed guidance on screening and supervising youth workers, see Child Protection First!™, which is available through Peacemaker Ministries. Another excellent resource is the Reducing the Risk kit that is available through www.ChurchLawToday.com.

I myself am convinced, my brothers, that you yourselves are full of goodness, complete in knowledge and competent to instruct one another (Rom. 15:14).

COMMITMENT TO BIBLICAL COUNSELING

God calls our leaders to set an example for us “in speech, in life, in love, and in faith and purity”(1 Tim. 4:12). Therefore, we expect them to treat counselees with every respect and courtesy, and to avoid even the appearance of impropriety or impurity during counseling (Eph. 5:3). We also expect counselees to promptly report to the leadership team any conduct that fails to meet this standard.

There are occasions when our leaders do not have sufficient time to meet with every person who asks for counseling. At such times we expect our leaders to give first priority to people who have formally joined the church (Gal. 6:10), and to serve those who only attend the church by referring them to another source of godly counsel.

To prevent our leaders from being placed in situations that might compromise their pastoral commitments, we, the members and attenders of this church, agree that we will not try to compel them to testify in any legal proceeding or otherwise divulge any confidential information they receive through pastoral counseling or ministry (Prov. 11:13, 25:9).

We believe that the Bible provides thorough guidance and instruction for faith and life (2 Tim. 3:16 17). Therefore, our counseling is based on scriptural principles rather than those of secular psychology or psychiatry. Unless they specifically state otherwise, none of those who counsel in this church are trained or licensed as psychotherapists or mental health professionals, nor should they be expected to follow the methods of such specialists.

All Christians struggle with sin and the effect it has on our lives and our relationships. Whenever believers are unable to overcome sinful attitudes or behaviors through personal efforts, God calls them to seek assistance from other believers, and when needed from church leaders, who have the responsibility of providing pastoral counseling and oversight (see Rom. 15:14; Gal. 6:1 2; 2 Tim. 4:1 2; Heb. 13:17; James 5:16). Therefore, this church encourages and enjoins its people to seek counsel from and confess sins to each other and to our leaders.

A gossip betrays a confidence, but a trustworthy man keeps a secret (Prov. 11:13).

Although confidentiality is to be respected as much as possible, there are times when it is appropriate to reveal certain information to others. In particular, when our leaders believe it is biblically necessary, they may disclose confidential information to appropriate people in the following circumstances:

COMMITMENT TO CONFIDENTIALITY

• when a leader is uncertain of how to counsel a person about a particular problem and needs to seek advice from other leaders in our church or, if the person attends another church, from the leaders of that church (Prov. 11:14);

• when a person refuses to repent of sin and it becomes necessary to promote repentance through accountability and redemptive church discipline (Matt. 18:15 20); or,

The Bible teaches that Christians should carefully guard any personal and private information that others reveal to them. Protecting confidences is a sign of Christian love and respect (Matt. 7:12). It also discourages harmful gossip (Prov. 26:20), invites confession (Prov. 11:13), and thus encourages people to seek needed counseling. Since these goals are essential to the ministry of the gospel and the work of the local church, all members and attenders are expected to refrain from gossip and to respect the confi dences of others. In particular, our leaders will carefully protect all information that they receive through pastoral counseling, subject to the following guidelines.

• when the person who disclosed the information, or any other person, is in imminent danger of serious harm unless others intervene (Prov. 24:11 12);

• when leaders are required by law to report suspected abuse (Rom. 13:1).

A. ACCOUNTABILITY AND DISCIPLINE ARE SIGNS OF GOD’S LOVE

God has established the church to reflect his character, wisdom and glory in the midst of a fallen world (Eph. 3:10 11). He loves his church so much that he sent his Son to die for her (Eph. 5:25). His ultimate purpose for his church is to present her as a gift to his Son; thus Scripture refers to the church as the “bride” of Christ (Rev. 19:7). For this reason the Father, Son and Holy Spirit are continually working to purify the church and bring her to maturity (Eph. 5:25 27).

This does not mean that God expects the church to be made up of perfectly pure people. He knows that the best of churches are still companies of sinners who wrestle daily with remaining sin (1 John 1:8; Phil. 3:12). Therefore, it would be unbiblical for us to expect church members to live perfectly. What we can do, however, is confess our common struggle with sin and our mutual need for God’s mercy and grace. We also can spur one another on toward maturity by encouraging and holding each other accountable to love, seek after, and obey God with all of our hearts, souls, minds and strength, and to love others as we love ourselves (Mark 12:30 31; Heb. 10:24 25).

Like all of our Relational Commitments, the principles and practices described below apply to all the people who attend our church (both members and attenders).

The Bible sometimes refers to this process of mutual encouragement and accountability as “discipline.” The Bible never presents church discipline as being negative, legalistic or harsh, as modern society does. True discipline originates from God himself and is always presented as a sign of genuine love. “The Lord disciplines those he loves” (Heb. 12:6). “Blessed is the man you discipline, O Lord, the man you teach from your law” (Ps. 94:12). “Those whom I love I rebuke and discipline” (Rev. 3:19).

Thus, restorative or corrective discipline is never to be done in a harsh, vengeful or self righteous manner. It is always to be carried out in humility and love, with the goals of restoring someone to a close walk with Christ (Matt. 18:15; Gal. 6:1), protecting others from harm (1 Cor. 5:6), and showing respect for the honor and glory of God’s name (1 Pet. 2:12).

Biblical discipline is similar to the discipline we value in other aspects of life. We admire parents who consistently teach their children how to behave properly and lovingly discipline them when they

And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds (Heb. 10:24).

God’s discipline in the church, like the discipline in a good family, is intended to be primarily positive, instructive and encouraging. This process, which is sometimes referred to as “formative discipline,” involves preaching, teaching, prayer, personal Bible study, small group fellowship and countless other enjoyable activities that challenge and encourage us to love and serve God more Onwholeheartedly.rareoccasions

God’s discipline, like the discipline in a family with growing children, also may have a corrective purpose. When we forget or disobey what God has taught us, he corrects us. One way he does this is to call the church to seek after us and lead us back onto the right track. This process, which is sometimes called “corrective” or “restorative” discipline, is likened in Scripture to a shepherd seeking after a lost sheep.

COMMITMENT TO ACCOUNTABILITY AND CHURCH DISCIPLINE

If a man has a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, I tell you the truth, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety nine that did not wander off (Matt. 18:12 13).

B. MOST CORRECTIVE DISCIPLINE IS PRIVATE, PERSONAL AND INFORMAL God gives every believer grace to be self

If informal conversations with these people fail to resolve the matter, then we may seek the involvement of more influential people, such as a small group leader, Sunday school teacher or church leader. If even these efforts fail to bring a brother or sister to repentance, and if the issue is too serious to overlook, we will move into what may be called “formal discipline.”

If an individual persistently refuses to listen to personal and informal correction to turn from speech or behavior that the Bible defines as sin, Jesus commands us to “tell it to the church” (Matt. 18:17a). This first involves informing one or more church leaders about the situation. If the offense is not likely to cause imminent harm to others, our leaders may approach the individual privately to personally establish the facts and encourage repentance of any sin they discover. The individual will be given every reasonable opportunity to explain and defend his or her actions. If the individual recognizes his sin and repents, the matter usually ends there, unless a confession to additional people is needed. If an offense is likely to harm others or lead them into sin, or cause division or disruption, our leaders may accelerate the entire disciplinary process and move promptly to protect the

C. FORMAL DISCIPLINE MAY INVOLVE THE ENTIRE CHURCH

disciplined. “For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self discipline” (2 Tim. 1:7). Thus discipline always begins as a personal matter and usually remains that way, as each of us studies God’s Word, seeks him in prayer, and draws on his grace to identify and change sinful habits and grow in godliness.

As the disciplinary process progresses, our leaders may impose a variety of sanctions to encourage repentance, including but not limited to private and public admonition, withholding of the Lord’s Supper, removal from office, withdrawal of normal fellowship, and, as a last resort, removal from membership

But sometimes we are blind to our sins or so tangled in them that we cannot get free on our own. This is why the Bible says, “Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently” (Gal. 6:1). In obedience to this command, we are committed to giving and receiving loving correction within our church whenever a sin (whether in word, behavior or doctrine) seems too serious to overlook (Prov. 19:11).

If repeated private conversations do not lead another person to repentance, Jesus commands that we ask other brothers or sisters to get involved. “If he will not listen, take one or two others along” (Matt. 18:16).

church (Rom. 16:17; 1 Cor. 5:1 13; Titus 3:10 11).

41 disobey. We value music teachers who bring out the best in their students by teaching them proper technique and consistently pointing out their errors so they can play a piece properly. And we applaud athletic coaches who diligently teach their players to do what is right and correct them when they fumble, so that the team works well together and can compete for the championship. The same principles apply to the family of God. We, too, need to be taught what is right and to be lovingly corrected when we do something contrary to what God teaches us in his Word. Therefore, we as a church are committed to help one another obey God’s command to be “self controlled, upright, holy and disciplined” (Titus 1:8). The leaders of our church recognize that God has called them to an even higher level of accountability regarding their faith and conduct (James 3:1; 1 Tim. 5:19 20). Therefore, they are committed to listening humbly to loving correction from each other or from any member in our church, and, if necessary, to submitting themselves to the corrective discipline of our body.

(see Matt. 18:12 14; Rom. 16:17; 1 Cor. 5:1 13; 3 John 1:9 10). Loving restoration always stands at the heart of the disciplinary process. If an individual repents, and our 4 For example, it is not uncommon for a person to attend a church, develop relationships of trust, persuade people to give him money to invest, and then fail to return the money as promised. Senior citizens are particularly vulnerable to these schemes, and many people have lost much of what they had saved for retirement. When such sinful men are discovered, they usually leave a church, but continue to prey on members who have not heard about their schemes. If our leaders found such a man in our church, they would call him to repent and confess his wrongs. If he refused, they would bring him under formal discipline, and also warn the congregation not to trust him with their money.

14; Gal. 6:1; Heb. 13:17)

If the straying individual does not repent in response to private appeals from our leaders, they may inform others in the church who may be able to influence that individual or be willing to pray for him or her, or people who might be harmed or affected by that person’s behavior.4

10). To avoid falling into this age old trap and to strengthen our church’s ability to rescue us if we are caught in sin, we agree not to run away from this church to avoid corrective discipline. Therefore, we waive our right to withdraw from membership or accountability if discipline is pending against us. Although we are free to stop attending the church at any time, we agree that a withdrawal while discipline is pending will not be given effect until the church has fulfilled its God given responsibilities to encourage our repentance and restoration, and to bring the disciplinary process to an orderly conclusion, as described in these Commitments (Matt. 18:12

* For a congregational church, the first part of this paragraph could be changed to read, “If, after a reasonable period of time, the individual still refuses to change, then our leaders may bring the situation before the congregation, with the recommendation that the individual be removed from membership and normal fellowship. If the congregation supports that recommendation, we will treat the individual as an unbeliever.”

6 For example, if we confronted a man in our church for seducing young women, or for acting inappropriately around little children, or for sowing gossip and division, and he left and started attending another church, we would consider it our duty to urge the leaders of that church to counsel with him and to protect their people from his harmful behavior.

This step may include close friends, a small group, a Sunday school class, or the entire congregation if our leaders deem it to be appropriate (Matt. 18:17, 1 Tim. 5:20). 5

42 (Matt. 5:23 24; 2 Thess. 3:6 15; Matt. 18:17).

If, after a reasonable period of time, the individual still refuses to change, then our leaders may formally remove him or her from membership and normal fellowship. They also may inform the church body of their decision and instruct the congregation to treat the individual as an unbeliever.* This means that we will no longer treat him as a fellow Christian. Instead of having casual, relaxed fellowship with the individual, we will look for opportunities to lovingly bring the gospel to him, remind him of God’s holiness and mercy, and call him to repent and put his faith in Christ (Matt. 18:17; 1 Cor. 5:5; 1 Tim. 1:20) We realize that our natural human response to correction often is to hide or run away from accountability (Gen. 3:8

5 If our leaders inform our entire congregation about a disciplinary situation, they have discretion whether to divulge the individual’s name. This decision usually will depend on a variety of factors, such as: how widely known the situation already is; whether there might be people in the congregation who could persuade the individual to repent; or whether the congrega tion needs to be on guard against potential harm he might cause (see previous footnote). Even if our leaders decide it is not necessary to identify an individual specifically, they may still inform the congregation of the general situation and the disciplinary steps they have followed. This general information can help to enlist wide prayer support, let the congregation know that our leaders are obeying the Lord’s command to seek after those who stray, and warn people who may be flirting with secret sin that they, too, may face discipline if they do not turn back to God.

If an individual leaves the church while discipline is in effect or is being considered, and our leaders learn that he or she is attending another church, they may inform that church of the situation and ask its leaders to encourage the individual to repent and be reconciled to the Lord and to any people he or she has offended. This action is intended both to help the individual find freedom from his sin and to warn the other church about the harm that he or she might do to their members6

If an individual disagrees with the way discipline has been carried out, he or she may appeal the church’s decisions according to the established disciplinary procedures of our denomination.* As we pursue the blessings of accountability and church discipline, we will hold fast to the promise of Scripture: “God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it” (Heb. 12:10 11).

43 leaders confirm his or her sincerity, we will rejoice together and gladly imitate God’s forgiveness by restoring the person to fellowship within the body (see Matt. 18:13; Luke 15:3 7, 11 32; 2 Cor. 2:5 11; Col. 3:12 14).

* Denominational churches may revise this provision to match their disciplinary process. Independent churches may delete it entirely.

People who have been excluded from another church will not be allowed to partake of the sacraments in our church, to become members, or to participate in the regular fellowship of our church until they have repented of their sins and made a reasonable effort to be reconciled, or our leaders have determined that the discipline of the former church was not biblically appropriate.

changing decision. The preaching, teaching, fellowship, opportunities to use your gifts, and mutual accountability that you experience in a church can dramatically change your relationship with the Lord and with the people he places in your life. Therefore, we want you to take time to get to know our church, learn how we are fulfilling God’s command to build his kingdom, and see how we love and relate to one another in daily life.

•

• You can seek more opportunities to use your spiritual gifts, including those of teaching, serving and leading within the body.

If you need counseling or support from our leaders when their time is limited, your request for assistance will take precedence over requests from people who have not joined the church.

If you like what you see in our church, we invite you to attend our membership class. During that class you can learn more about our church’s doctrines and vision for ministry, and about the privileges and responsibilities of formal membership. Attending the class will not obligate you to become a member. If attending the membership class convinces you that joining our church will help to you grow in your ability to love and serve God, we would be delighted to have you become a member of our body. By joining our church, you will demonstrate in a concrete way your desire to unite with us to advance Christ’s kingdom. Membership also will allow you to enjoy ministry opportunities and privileges that are not available to people who only attend our church, including the following:

We believe that God wants every Christian to become a member of a local church. To learn why, please read Joshua Harris’s book, Stop Dating the Church, and the third chapter of Donald Whitney’s book, Spiritual Disciplines Within the Church: Participating Fully in the Body of Christ. Both books are available in our church library.

You may participate and vote in congregational meetings, where we seek to discern and plan how to follow God’s vision for our church.

You will be eligible to minister to the children and youth in our church (after completing our standard screening process).

If you would like to learn more about the importance of church membership, please read the books mentioned above. You also may meet with our leaders, who would be happy to discuss any questions or concerns you may have about membership.

WE INVITE YOU TO BECOME A MEMBER OF OUR CHURCH

Becoming a member of a church can be a life

CHURCH COVENANT (SAMPLE A)*

OUR COMMITMENTS TO ONE ANOTHER IN THE SIGHT OF GOD BY THE MEMBERS OF [OUR CHURCH NAME]

5. We acknowledge that we have read the Relational Commitments of this church and agree to live by Signaturethem. Date Print Pastor’sNameSignature Date

4. We moreover engage that when we remove from this place we will, if possible, unite with a church where we can carry out the articles of this confession and the spirit of this covenant.

3. We further engage to watch over one another in brotherly love; to remember one another in prayer; to aid one another in sickness and distress; to cultivate Christian sympathy in feeling and courtesy in speech; and to be slow to take offense, but always ready for reconciliation and mindful of the rules of our Savior to secure it without delay.

Having been led, as we believe, by the Spirit of God to receive the Lord Jesus Christ as our Savior, and, on the profession of our faith, having been baptized in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, we do now, in the presence of God, angels and this assembly, most solemnly and joyfully enter into covenant with one another as one body in Christ.

* This is a traditional Baptist covenant that has been in use for many decades. A church may modify the text in either this or the following model covenant, or replace them entirely with language it has traditionally used, provided there is no conflict between the substituted language and any of the provisions in the Relational Commitments. It is important, however, to retain the last provision in these covenants, which indicates that a person has received and agreed to submit to the Relational Covenants.

2. We also engage to maintain family and secret devotions; to educate our children in the Christian faith; to seek the salvation of our kindred and acquaintances; to walk circumspectly in the world; to be just in our dealings, faithful in our engagements, and exemplary in our deportment; to avoid all gossiping, backbiting and excessive anger; and to seek God's help in abstaining from all drugs, food, drink and practices that bring unwarranted harm to the body or jeopardize our own or another's faith.

1. We engage, therefore, by the aid of the Holy Spirit, to walk together in Christian love, to strive for the advancement of this church in knowledge, holiness and comfort; to promote its prosperity and spirituality; to sustain its worship, ordinances, discipline and doctrines; and to contribute cheerfully and regularly to the support of the ministry, the expenses of the church, the relief of the poor and the spread of the Gospel through all nations.

* This covenant is based on the membership vows used by the Presbyterian Church in America. 7 2 Tim. 3:14 17; 2 Pet. 1:19 21; Matt. 4:4 8 Rom. 3:9 18, 23; 6:23; Eph. 1:3 14; 2:1 10; Tit. 3:3 7; 1 Pet. 1:2 9; Rom. 8:29 30 9 John 14:6; Acts 4:12; Rom. 1:16 17; 3:9 26; 10:9; Phil. 2:5 11; 3:5 9; Tit. 3:3 5; 1 Tim. 1:15 10 Eph. 4:17 6:4; Col. 3:1 4:6; 1 Pet. 1:13 15; 2:18 5:11; 2 Pet. 1:3 9; Rom. 8:29; 12:1 15:14 11 Rom. 12:3 8; 1 Cor. 12:9 15; Eph. 4:1 16; Heb. 10:24 25; 12:24 25; 1 Pet. 4:7 11 12 Matt. 16:18; 18:15 20; 1 Thess. 5:12 13; 1 Tim. 3:15; 5:17 20; Heb. 13:17; Col. 3:15; Rom. 12:18 21

4. I resolve and promise, in humble reliance upon the grace of the Holy Spirit, that I will endeavor to put to death the misdeeds of my sinful nature and to live my life as is fitting a true follower of Jesus Christ.10 5. I promise to support the church in its worship and work to the best of my ability.11

CHURCH COVENANT (SAMPLE B)*

7. I acknowledge that I have read the Relational Commitments of this church and agree to live by them.Signature Date Print Pastor’sNameSignature Date

1. I believe the Bible, consisting of the Old and New Testaments, to be the Word of God, and its doctrine of salvation to be the perfect and only true doctrine of salvation.7

2. I acknowledge myself to be a sinner in the sight of God, justly deserving his wrath, and without hope except in God’s sovereign love and mercy to save me. 8

6. I submit myself to the government and discipline of the church, and promise to pursue its purity and peace.12

OUR COMMITMENTS TO ONE ANOTHER IN THE SIGHT OF GOD

Having been chosen by God and drawn by the Spirit to receive the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior, I now, with a view to my baptism in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit, do joyfully enter into this covenant with the members of this church as one body in Christ, according to the following affirmations and commitments.

3. I believe in the Lord Jesus Christ as the Son of God, the only Savior of sinners, and receive and rest upon him alone for salvation as he is offered to me in the Gospel.9

BY THE MEMBERS OF [OUR CHURCH NAME]

A WORD TO CHURCH LEADERS

• conduct a Peacemaker Church Assessment™, which can help to gauge your congregation’s support for these concepts and show whether they believe their leaders are setting a credible example as peacemakers; • conduct a congregation wide Peacemaker Campaign™ to teach your people the principles that

Since these Commitments may affect important spiritual, ecclesiastical and legal issues (see www.PeacemkerChurch.net), we encourage churches to take the following steps as they move to adopt these Commitments:

The Assessment and non consumable training resources needed to carry out these steps (Implementation Manual, model sermons, Peacemaker Church Seminar DVDs, Peacemaker Group Study and DVDs, etc.) are contained in the Church PeacePack™, which may be ordered through Peacemaker Ministries. Each Commitment may be adapted to fit the governing structure and convictions of a particular church. Be careful, however! As explained in the Implementation Manual, the provisions in each Commitment have been drafted to address specific church conflict and liability issues. If they are inappropriately modified or deleted, you may lose important legal protection. General adaptation may include the following changes:

USE AND ADAPTATION OF DOCUMENTS

• Consider the changes suggested by footnotes marked with an “*”, and then delete these footnotes.

• adopt the Peacemaker Church discipleship strategy, as set forth in The Peacemaker Church Implementation Manual, which will enable you to obtain legally binding “informed consent” to these Commitments from your congregation;

• Search for and replace the expression “[Our Church Name]” throughout these documents with the name of your church.

• Change the definition of “leader” in footnote #1 to fit your polity (e.g., change to “pastor and deacons”) or search for the term throughout these documents and replace it with an appropriate word or phrase.

underlie these Commitments;

• sign up to receive regular Peacemaker Church updates from Peacemaker Ministries; and

Having said that, Peacemaker Ministries grants permission for these documents to be adapted and used by any local church, providing all reprints include the attribution, “These Relational Commitments are adapted from The Peacemaker Church. Used by permission of Peacemaker® Ministries (www.PeacemakerChurch.net).”

• Select and modify the Church Covenant you will use (using provisions from both samples or from a more traditional covenant if you wish), and delete the other Covenant. Whichever covenant

• consult with an attorney to determine whether these Commitments should be modified to accommodate local laws.

These Commitments and Covenants are copyrighted by Peacemaker Ministries, which reserves all rights to these documents. These documents may not be used for resale or any commercial purposes.

you use, be sure to retain the last provision about receiving and submitting to the Relational Commitments.

• Delete this entire section on Use and Modification of Documents from your final document.