Molly Potter’s Top Picks: Equipping children for life’s journey
Some thoughts from Molly Potter, author of the Let's Talk series
Introducing the series
M o l l y ’ s L e t ’ s T a l k s e r i e s e x p l o r e s a r a n g e o f t o p i c s t h a t c h i l d r e n m i g h t b e i n t r i g u e d
a b o u t , s t r u g g l e w i t h o r s i m p l y b e n e f i t f r o m e x p l o r i n g w i t h a n a d u l t . T h e b o o k s d e l i v e r
i n f o r m a t i o n a n d r e a s s u r a n c e o n m a n a g i n g e m o t i o n s , p o s i t i v e m e n t a l h e a l t h , f r i e n d s h i p s ,
c o n s e n t , u n d e r s t a n d i n g d i f f e r e n c e s , t h e b i r d s a n d t h e b e e s , d e a t h a n d m o r e .
Why is this needed? Molly writes...
A s p a r e n t s , c a r e r s o r t e a c h e r s , w e n o t o n l y k e e p c h i l d r e n s a f e a n d h e a l t h y , b u t a l s o
g u i d e t h e i r d e v e l o p m e n t i n t o c o n t e n t e d , c a r i n
Each book provides children with the information and skills to deepen their understanding of the world and help them navigate situations with greater confidence.
Children s reactions
C h i l d r e n t e n d t o l o v e s h a r i n g t h e e x p e r i e n c e o f e x p l o r i n g ‘ s e r i o u s m a t t e r s ’
w i t h t h e s i g n i f i c a n t a d u l t s i n t h e i r l i v e s .
W h e n I r e a d m y b o o k s t o c h i l d r e n , t h e y o f t e n s u r p r i s e m e w i t h t h e i r
t h o u g h t f u l c o m m e n t s , a n d e n d u p t e a c h i n g m e a t h i n g o r t w o !
Advice for adults
M y i n t e n t i o n i s f o r m y b o o k s t o b e h e l p f u l p r o m p t s f o r t e a c h e r s , p a r e n t s a n d
c a r e r s t o d i s c u s s i m p o r t a n t i s s u e s w i t h c h i l d r e n . S o i n t h e b a c k o f e a c h b o o k , I
i n c l u d e a d v i c e f o r a d u l t s o n e a c h t o p i c . T h i s g u i d a n c e w i l l h e l p y o u u n d e r s t a n d
w h y t h e s e c o n v e r s a t i o n s m a t t e r a n d p r o v i d e t h e s u p p o r t t h a t m i g h t b e
n e e d e d t o a p p r o a c h t h e m .
Here are some highlights from my books for you to reflect upon. Enjoy!
Let’s A
Talk
ILLUSTRATED BY
What should you do when someone doesn’t ask for consent?
Sometimes, people might not ask for consent. This might be because they’re excited or in a rush, assume you’re OK with what they’re doing or haven’t been taught the importance of asking for consent .
When someone doesn’t ask for consent, they might end up doing something you’re not comfortable with, like helping themselves to your things, assuming it’s OK to join in with what you’re doing or sharing information about you that you wanted to keep private.
He collects seashells. His bedroom is full of them. They’re all over the place!
If this happens, what is the best way to get them to stop what they’re doing?
It’s good to know...
Kind people will respect you if you can say ‘no’ like this.
A step-by-step guide to saying ‘no’…
1. First, notice and accept that you are uncomfortable.
2. Don’t think that you are in any way wrong for feeling uncomfortable.
3. Stand or sit upright and look confident, even if you don’t feel it inside.
4. Look directly at the person and say, ‘When you [what they are doing], I feel [uncomfortable/upset/irritated]. I need you to stop so I can feel OK.’
5. If they are someone you know well, you could add clearly, ‘I still like you, but I need you to stop [what they are doing] and understand that I don’t like it.’
6. If this doesn’t work, you need to find an adult to help you. If the first adult does nothing to help, find another. If the second doesn’t help either, find another. Keep going until someone helps you.
No, because...
When might you need help?
Sometimes, even when you’ve made it clear that you don’t want to do something, it carries on.
Sometimes, people might insist you keep something secret because they know that what they’re doing to you is wrong.
When this happens, you need to find help .
I think I’m being bullied.
I’m glad you told me. We need to stop this from happening again.
If I need help, I will ask...
Dad
Uncle Ali
Miss Li
To get the right help, you need to find an adult you trust and tell them what is happening. You need to keep telling adults you trust until someone makes whatever is happening stop. This is really important.
Do you mind if I tell the class you had chickenpox last week?
Everyone feels looked after and comfortable when we all do these three things:
• ask and check for consent
• feel comfortable saying ‘no’
• respect others’ right to say ‘no’.
Can I borrow your green felttip pen, please?
Would it be OK if I gave you a hug?
Notes for grown-ups
Teaching our children about giving and asking for consent empowers them and teaches them self-respect and respect for others. This book outlines what your child needs to know, but here are some further points for consideration:
• You can start role-modelling consent to young children by asking, for example, if they want a hug or if it’s OK for you to come into their bedroom.
• As your child gets older, you can start using the term ‘boundaries’ to describe the imaginary line between what we’re comfortable and uncomfortable with. Understanding this helps children protect their own boundaries and be respectful of others.
• Allow children to say ‘no’. Most young children are compliant a lot of the time, so there’s usually a reason they’re saying ‘no’. This reason is often anger, overwhelm, anxiety or not wanting to stop doing something they’re enjoying. As a parent, carer or teacher, it’s important to investigate what’s going on for the child when they say ‘no’, rather than dismissing it as defiance. It can help to speculate what the child might be feeling and show some empathy.
• We often expect children to share their personal possessions in a way that we would not always be comfortable with as adults. While sharing is a kind thing to do, it’s good to accept that children won’t always be comfortable sharing things, and this boundary can be respected.
• It’s always a good idea to respect children’s privacy in the same way that we’d like our own privacy to be respected.
How
oday Feel i ng re A u Yo ?
ILLUSTRATED BY
MOLLY POTTER SARAH JENNINGS
Feelings tracker
Cry O K sIt ‘ to
ILLUSTRATED BY
MOLLY POTTER SARAH JENNINGS
Feelings that can take over and are not at all enjoyable
The feelings on these pages can be quite powerful as they can take over your thoughts and make you feel all wobbly inside.
Feeling WORRIED when you think something awful is going to happen and you won’t be able to cope.
Feeling INSECURE when you don’t feel confident about how something is going to turn out.
Feeling SCARED when you believe something could hurt or harm you.
Feeling PETRIFIED when you’re really, really scared.
Feeling ANXIOUS when you worry a lot about how something is going to turn out.
I'm really worried I'll let lots of goals in tomorrow.
I thought that would make it better.
Feeling INTIMIDATED when someone scares you on purpose to try and get you to do what they want.
Feeling HELPLESS when you think there is nothing anyone can do to make things better.
Feeling OVERWHELMED when there are too many things happening at once and you’re not sure what to do first.
It’s good to know...
When you feel these feelings, one of the best things you can do is find someone you trust to talk to about what’s bothering you. This can make you feel better.
Feelings that can make you cry
These feelings are the opposite of being happy. Although we don't enjoy these emotions, everyone should expect to feel them now and again.
Feeling UPSET when a toy you love gets broken.
I loved this robot.
Feeling HURT when someone you really like says something horrible to you.
That's rubbish!
Feeling DISAPPOINTED when you can no longer go on an outing you were really looking forward to.
I'm sorry sweetheart, you can't go to the fair.
Feeling SAD when you have to say goodbye to someone you love that you might not see for a while.
See you next year.
Feeling MISERABLE when a pet dies.
Feeling HOPELESS when you believe things are so awful, you can’t imagine they will ever get better.
I'll really miss Squiggles.
Feeling REGRET when you’ve done something you wish you hadn’t done.
It's very clear you copied her.
Feeling DISTRESSED when you are lost in a place you don’t know.
I can't see my dad anywhere!
It’s good to know...
When you have these feelings, sometimes a good cry can make you feel much better.
Common anxieties parents and carers share
Won’t talking about sex encourage my child to experiment?
Research shows this is certainly not the case. Children and young people who have never learnt about sex are more likely to ‘fall prey’ to negative sexual experiences.
Won’t this taint my child’s innocence?
Parents/carers that have discussed sex and how babies are made with their children at a very young age would argue that their children are no less innocent for having this information. This information is not harmful. Talking openly about sex early in a child’s life teaches them that you are prepared to talk about it. It shows that parents are people they can turn to for help and support should they need it, at any point in their lives.
Won’t this information worry my child? Not if it’s discussed sensitively with lots of opportunities for questions. The way many people were taught in the past often left children worried and confused.
I just get too embarrassed.
Start conversations while doing something else (e.g. washing up or in the car) so you can avoid eye contact. Once underway, you should find the conversation gets more relaxed and then you’ll find sharing this book much easier.
It just feels wrong talking to kids about sex.
Nearly everyone has a strong reaction to talking about sex with children. Some people aren’t comfortable talking about sex in an open and sensitive way. This discomfort can prevent much needed conversations and can contribute to leaving our young people in the dark about what a positive sexual experience should be and therefore vulnerable to negative experiences.
I don’t know what to say.
This book will help guide you with what to say about each carefully selected topic. You can start with the questions on page 6-7 and ask your child what they would like to find out about first.
What our children are learning anyway (often without adults knowing).
Children and young people are bombarded with information about sex, relationships and gender from a variety of sources (e.g. TV adverts, graffiti, shop displays/posters, the internet, computer games, pop video images, their school friends, older brothers and sisters etc.). Some of the messages children receive from these sources are not accurate or realistic and, in the absence of adults to help them process this information, they can often be left confused or with ‘unhealthy’ ideas.
The media, for example, can lead children and young people to believe:
• Everyone is having sex all the time.
• Sex is only ever exciting, fun, easy and uncomplicated.
• You don’t need to be responsible about sex.
• Sex is something that is everywhere but you shouldn’t talk about it openly or sensitively.
• To be a successful man, you have to have sex with lots of women.
• To be a successful woman, you must look sexy.
• Most teenagers start having sex at a young age.
• Sex is something we shouldn’t be serious about.
If your child feels he or she can talk to you openly about these topics, they are more likely to receive healthier messages and accurate information.
What children say they want
They want parents and carers who...
• Initiate conversations about these topics.
• Tell the truth (even when it’s embarrassing or awkward).
• Start talking about these topics to young children so it becomes comfortable and children feel they can ask questions about anything.
• Appear comfortable when talking about sex and body parts so children feel they can ask questions – including what different words mean.
• Talk privately about these topics because that makes it easier.
• Don’t tease or laugh about anything misunderstood or share the content of the conversation with other people.
• Admit when they don’t know something instead of making things up or going quiet.
• Let them freely express opinions about these issues and not be upset if they disagree.
• Provide them with books and leaflets to look at.
• Don’t give them too much information at once as that can be overwhelming.
Other helpful tips for talking to your child
You, like everyone, will have your own views about sex and relationships. You can discuss these views with your child and you can listen to your child’s views. However, try to develop a tolerance for views that are different from yours. Your child may well ‘test’ you at some point so it’s best not to be too judgemental towards different viewpoints as this may prevent open communication between you and your child later on.
As your child gets older use TV soaps, teenage magazines, the news etc. to raise topics relating to sex, body image and relationships.
Never dismiss any anxieties your child has as they will be very real for them – even if they seem silly to you.
As well as acknowledging family names, try using the correct terms for body parts e.g. vagina, clitoris, penis and testicles as this will be what your child’s school uses in Sex and Relationships Education (SRE) lessons.
Very young children show curiosity about their own and other people’s bodies e.g. playing doctors and nurses – be careful how you react to any curiosity as you might give children the message that certain parts of the body are ‘bad’.
Tell your children that you are always happy to answer any questions they have about sex, bodies and relationships.
If you are comfortable with this, share personal experiences and feelings of your own. For example, crushes, body image, the changes of puberty, first girlfriends/boyfriends etc.
ILLUSTRATED BY Fam ily? a e M k s aWh t a
Celebrate your family
Perform a secret act of kindness for each person in your family. You could write a kind note or card, tidy something up, offer them a cuddle, help them with a job, leave a secret gift or surprise them when they come home.
Think of the nicest compliment you could give each person in your family. Write your compliment on a card and hide it under each person’s pillow for them to find.
Draw a picture of your family every year around the same date. Watch how your family changes and your drawings get better over the years. Keep all of the pictures in a scrapbook.
Make a crazy photo album with lots of themed photos of the whole family together. For example…
pulling the funniest faces
Why not use some of these ideas to celebrate and spend time with your family!
wearing ‘hats’ made from things that are not hats all dressing up as someone else in the family all wearing the same colour styling each other’s hair with gel
posing like statues
painting each other’s faces
wearing fake moustaches – even those who already have real ones!
Create a family ‘best book’, where every family member writes their ‘best’ or ‘favourite’ version of each of these things…
present way to wake up
place in the house holiday
thing you’ve learned
memory of each person in the family
family meal.
Make bedroom door name labels for each family member. Decorate them a lot!
Ask everyone in the family to secretly answer some multiple-choice questions and see if you can guess what they chose. For example…
Which of these animals would you most like as a pet? A hamster, a cat, a Murphy, a snake or a donkey.
What would you call a pet hamster? Sparkle, Hammy, Mrs Wiggle, Daisy or Hamsterdam.
Which dinner would you choose? Pizza, roast dinner, veggie noodles, fish and chips or chicken korma.
Cook and eat a three-course meal as a family! Make sure everyone does at least one job. Different jobs include: deciding the menu, writing a shopping list, shopping, laying the table, decorating placemats, making a beautiful table centrepiece, helping to cook, keeping the cook entertained, choosing background music, washing up and wiping the table.
Questions and conversation starters
When you grow up, do you think you will want to be a parent or carer?
Can you remember something that your parent or carer taught you to do?
If someone asked you what your family was like, what would you say?
Can you think of three ways in which your family is the same as a friend’s family?
How many people are in your family?
List all the things you do to help out in your family. Is there anything you could do to help out more?
What do you do together as a family?
Can you think of three ways in which your family is different to a friend’s family?
