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Contents This page...............................2 In Memoriam..........................3 The Editorials........................ 4 Dr. Ellen Valle........................ 6 Skating Spectacle..................11 Anglica Board........................ 12 ABC of Floorball.................... 16 Black & White Party.............. 20 How to Act in Class............... 23

The Conbubines.................... 24 One Night at Rose Bowl........26 Play Pu**y etc. ..................... 28 To Be or Pubiin?.................... 29 Conference Hopping............. 32 Cider Confessions................ 36 Gin & Tonic Observations..... 37 Poetry & Poultry.....................38 We Review Stuff....................40

Baccanalia 2007 - Anglica’s Yearly Publication Executive Chief Editor and chief-chief: Antti Suomela Chief Editor-in-Chief, in chief: Sonja Forsström Maker-up: Tatu Virta Proofreaders: Sonja Forsström Tuomas Kaukoranta Taru Korhonen Antti Suomela Cover, Drawing & Other Imagery: Satu-Annele Additional Drawings: Antti Suomela, Public Domain Clipart Run: 120

At: X-Copy

http://anglica.org/

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Professor John Skinner passed away on Saturday the 31st of March. He will be remembered and greatly missed by us all.

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GREETINGS FROM THE EDITOR Baccanalia. Baccis, casually. It’s not just paper and ink. It is the result of a combined effort of a multitude of people, people who have made the choice to contribute to this our yearly publication. To all those people I personally extend my warmest thanks, especially to Sonja, SatuAnnele and Tatu for their radiant diligence. Yeah, we have a real treat for you this year. We have poetry and we have poultry. We have Dickens and we have chickens. 101 worst poultry-related puns in the known universe have all been shoved into this masterpiece I call the Tetrachromatic Ultra-Pamphlet of Violently Orgasmic AWESOMEness and you may call Baccanalia ’07. What? I have to be more specific? Well, to start with, the interview of Ellen Valle continues our series of (AWESOME) interviews of staff members. Also, the board of Anglica have once again revealed much, much more than you could possibly wish to know. The poetry section is bursting with material from fresh talents, and areas of culture, sports and ethanol are well represented, as well. The media review section has changed: this year, the choice of media was not limited only to movies or music - any media would do.

As a result we have reviews of websites, DVDs, music, all kinds of stuff. The only thing common for all things reviewed is their -- yes, you guessed it -- AWESOMEness! In addition to all the more usual (and not at all less Baccis-worthy) sort of stuff, we have what we in the business call ”some totally AWESOME s**t” . We have collected the best of African American swear words, we have the unadulterated rantings and ravings of a mistreated DJ, we even have a whole story all about Roberto Baggio and his ponytail. We have the lot. I think some of the stuff is so boldly-go-etc-kindof-radical, extreme and volatile material that even Juhan af Grann is in denial about that s**t. Without any further attempt at deception Have a very, very good beer!

-SAntti

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... AND FROM THE CHAIR! Initially, I wrote an editorial about the alcohol use of Finnish children, youth and university students. More specifically, I wrote about the pointless, avoidable deaths on the road and elsewhere; I wrote about all the people lost to alcohol every year and the huge investments that are lost with them. I also wrote about how student organizations promote alcohol consumption

and how the choice not to participate in the organization’s activities can be a social suicide of sorts. I had sought out flashy statistics to support my views, I had obtained horrific post-mortem photos of victims of drunken drivers. Having finished and upon inspecting my text, I found it was not only a depressing read, but also incredibly boring.

So here, instead, is a picture of a duck.

-SAntti

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Escape from Juslenia Starring: Ellen Valle Have you ever wondered who put that Lord of the Rings poster on the wall of our Department hallway? Most likely you never had the need to, since it always was common knowledge. But this spring, she has determined to escape from our homely Juslenia classrooms to freedom! Here’s an exclusive interview with the escapée herself, Dr. Ellen Valle,who’ll be retiring the following semester. So, who’s gonna show us movies now..? Where were you born and raised? Well, there’s no simple answer. I was born in Brooklyn, which is one of the five boroughs of New York City, on August 9th 1942. After six months we moved to California, and when I was four we moved to Chicago. When I was six we moved to Prague, Czechoslovakia, where I spent the next nine years until I was fifteen. So I had my primary and secondary school in

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Europe. I had a good, solid education in the old-fashioned Central European secondary school, the ‘gymnasium’. Then we went back to the States so I had the two last years of high school in an American high school in the 50s. And then I went to college and graduate school at Columbia. So I have both a European and an American background in my education and I can say I had the best of both worlds. That’s why I’m so smart [laughter]. What subjects did you study at the university? I majored in general linguistics. That was what I wanted to do from the time I was, I think,twelve years old. But in the American system back then you also had to have a sort of general education so I had courses in philosophy, psychology, sociology, math, biology, cultural anthropology, history and lots of other things – and languages of course. Then I discovered Finnish and that was it, that was the big love affair. Besides practical proficiency courses I studied for instance


Finnish dialects and the history of consonant gradation (astevaihtelu). I took my Master’s Comprehensives in General Linguistics and Finno-Ugric philology. How and when did you end up in Finland? I came here in 1966, originally just for one year because I wanted to get material for my Master’s Thesis, learn the language properly and get to know the country. I’ve been here ever since. How did you end up at the University of Turku? Well, I was living in Helsinki and got married in 1968. We had a daughter in 1970. My husband was a student at the University of Helsinki and I was working as a freelance translator. In 1972 we moved to Turku. In 1974 I got a job as a teacher at the Kieliinstituutti, which was a translation school. The school became part of the University of Turku in 1980, and all the jobs were moved. I was really lucky, I’ve always been. So I worked at the Translation Studies Department until

1994 and then I came here to the English Department You are interested in pragmatics and politeness, among other things. What was your first impression of Finland and the Finns considering things like politeness and other culturally defined norms? The whole discourse style is very different. I came from a community where a high involvement strategy is very normal and there’s a lot of overlapping in conversation and people aren’t so terribly polite on the surface. The first thing I noticed in Finland was that it is considered very impolite to interrupt when somebody else is speaking. And I thought Finns spoke terribly slowly, you know I speak rather fast [laughter], and I found myself very often finishing other people’s sentences and they would get very irritated at me. But on the other hand, the Anglophone style is to use more politeness markers and when you are requesting something you use indirect requests. It happened several times that I would go somewhere to buy some tickets, for example,

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and I would be standing in line and ask “do you have tickets for so and so” and they would just answer “yes we do” when of course what I meant was “please sell me these tickets”. But I don’t think one culture is inherently more polite than another culture, they just express it differently. But I had trouble with Finnish at the beginning (still do sometimes). You know how the Finns’ main problem with English phonology is the distinction between voiced and voiceless consonants – well mine was with front vs back vowels. I still have trouble for instance with valittaa vs välittää – I’m never sure which is the right one. And so many words sound similar to other words. I remember once, the first year I was here, I called the theater and I said “Minä haluaisin varastaa pari lippua”! Do you feel you are more a Finn or an American? Well, I’m both. When I go to New York now, I’m considered to be quite reserved and quiet but in Finland I’m still considered quite aggressive and talk too much and interrupt people. So in some ways I’m in between, neither one nor the

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other – or maybe both. I knew Finnish when I came here and I met really nice people and made good friends so it wasn’t hard for me to assimilate. But there are things that still irritate me. Like the way people are standing at a street corner and there’s a red light and you can see for two hundred meters that there isn’t a car in sight and everybody just stands there without looking to the left or right. I think the difference is that I come from a culture where anything that is not specifically prohibited is allowed but here anything which is not specifically allowed is prohibited. What courses have you enjoyed teaching the most? Especially the North American studies even though it isn’t really my field and I’ve never published anything there (for that matter, I think I should mention that I’ve never actually studied the English language either). And I loved teaching the HIDI (the Historical Dimension in the old system), and literature courses. Oh, and this is a bit of a joke [laughter] and I know everybody will laugh, but in the Writing Skills, I loved teaching


punctuation. That’s the one I’ll miss the most. All in all, there’s nothing that I’ve taught that I haven’t enjoyed. What things have changed the most in the university life during your career? During last two thre Durin g thethe last two or orthree years it has become more about money, efficiency and producing results that can be measured in economic terms. The teachers have been overwhelmed by the bureaucratic work: nowadays we spend an enormous amount of time on paperwork and ‘quality control’, so there’s less time for teaching and research. But I’ve always loved the university environment. I grew up in a family where everybody always talked about intellectual questions. Ideas and politics -- that’s what people talked about at the dinner table. I’ve never known anything else and I don’t think I would survive outside the university [laughter]. You are well known for your enthusiasm in The Lord of the Rings. Who is you favourite Lord of the Rings character? Yes, the book primarily and the

movies secondarily. I first read the book when I was in college. After that I think I’ve reread the whole trilogy maybe every other year (Though I confess I skip most of the battle scenes.) And when the movies came I went back to the books again. I would say that my favourite in the book is Aragorn. He grows into his kingship in a way he never does in the movies. My favourite in the movie is Galadriel, and Theoden – I can identify with him because of age! [goes on to show the interviewer her Lord of the Rings screen saver]. In general, I’d say Peter Jackson spends far too much time on battles and fighting – in the book they’re reported by the narrator in a couple of paragraphs. And the monsters aren’t particularly interesting. But with a DVD you can skip the battles and the monsters, just like with a book. It’s the psychology of the characters that fascinates me – especially those who change and grow, like Aragorn and Frodo. At the same time it’s a great chivalric romance, a classic quest narrative, and has an transcending theme of great humanism as well. And of course the languages – that’s what makes the book unique, and there

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I think they did quite a good job incorporating Middle-Earth heteroglossia into the script. (I’ve heard that Viggo Mortensen, who plays Aragorn, insisted on having more lines for himself and other characters in Sindarin and/or Quenya.) What are your plans for the future? Oh, all kinds of things. I still have my health more or less. First of all I think I’m going to start working on myself: start going to the gym and taking long walks. When I’m teaching, doing research and writing, it is hard to concentrate on physical fitness at the same time. I’ve also got two shelves full of books that I haven’t had time to read. But I’ve also considered going back to school and maybe studying something I’ve never studied before, learning something new, maybe a whole new degree. Oh, and I’d love to spend a year in Cambridge if I got a some kind of fellowship, because almost all my work has been on the history of science and early modern scientific discourse, and Cambridge

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has the best programme in the history of science. Or maybe a year at some American university, doing a programme in American studies. And of course I’ll be here in the fall teaching the Introduction to American Studies. I’ll do it for one more term. Right now I just want to relax because up to now I’ve spent every summer since 1974 doing research and planning the following year’s teaching. So I can actually take a vacation and think about what I’ll do next. Or maybe I’ll just sit in my chair and watch television and get old [laughter]. Thank you for this interview. Do you have any final comments to our readers ? You’re welcome, and don’t let the bastards get you down! Interview by Amanda Pirilä


ANGLICA VS SKANDICA

Skating Spectacle On the 7 th of March, Wednesday, somewhere around 7pm in the evening, in the cold and rainy weather, three brave Anglican warriors; two on skates, one holding cups and jugs for serving juice. They saw themselves being clearly outnumbered by the Skandicans, none of the three warriors even flinched. Though it had been some time since our braves had been on the ice, painful memories from comprehensive school quickly returned to them, allowing them to maneuver on ice with some proficiency. The twist of the match-up was that no one was allowed to use an actual hockey stick. There was a wide array of cleaning tools and the like to be seen. The ‘puck’ naturally was somewhat unorthodox as well, the head of a mop enclosed in a plastic bag. Sounds crazy but it worked extremely well on the ice.

The match kicked off: Anglica and Skandica locked horns in an epic showdown. The game started out fairly even, neither team more dominant than the other. The tempo was extreme though (who knew you could sweat so much in a pair of overalls?), thankfully the loyal servers of juice on breaks were there to ease our pain. Slowly but surely towards the end of the match, the Anglican team took control of the field. Courage and will substituted skill on the field that day. Skandica fought valiantly, but it was not to be. Anglica came out victorious this time. The match was great and the spirits were high even though the weather was awful. See you next year, Skandica!

-Eetu

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Anglica Board Version 0.7 Anglica has almost reached its half-a-century mark, but for now we are still frisky and active at 49. As you can see, our board is a bit younger - filled with some old familiar faces and some newer ones aswell. Ladies and gentlemen, we bow at your general direction and promise to serve your interests whole-heartedly while still having a blast. Because, you know, you ought to party every day like there’s no tomorrow.. cause tomorrow, you might not even remember it.. or something? Antti Suomela, Chair Residence before Turku: Rusko, the place where dreams are born. Favourite English swearword: Anything MacGyver’d use. Or 'fuck' (a classic). Favourite hangover foods: Bananas. If I think I can manage them at that point. Favourite English course: Pronunciation and intonation I'm good at... amusing myself by thinking only.

Sonja Forsstr��m, Vice Chair Colour of eyes: blank Favourite English word: Mudcake A frequent nightmare of mine: sucking at 3.42 pm. My worst nickname: Mervi What's wrong with the world: nothing, see you in HELL

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Antti Kaunismäki, Secretary Favorite drink: Whiskey Favorite British word: Pythonesque Something most people dunno about me: I like playing golf. I Would Never.. Go to a skating ring and hit my head with a wooden log if I weren’t paid for it. I’m Good at.. English, D’uh! Maria “Mamu” Salmijärvi, Treasurer Favourite English swearword: Bitch! One word that best describes me: lazy-teen-tease I'm good at... telling myself I really can put off everything until tomorrow -"Choose your weapon!" -"Nailing machine with lots of nails!" An embarrassing memory from comprehensive school: I accidentally beat the hell out of a class mate (a guy) while in 5th grade Tatu Virta, Projects & Info One word that best describes me: zen Celebrity I had/have a crush on: Scarlett Johansson. A frequent nightmare of mine: Being as introvert as I sometimes am, but all the time. -"Choose your weapon!" -"Disco music!" I suck at.. linguistics. I’m about to.. get my ass kicked because of these pictures.

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Eetu Laine, Info Favourite alcoholic drink: Tried and true: 1,5l worth of screwdriver. Favourite English course: Anything held by Pekka. A nasty habit of mine: Telling bad jokes & appreciating them way too much. A frequent nightmare of mine: I stand paralyzed and a hamster crawls up my trousers heading for.. you know what. My worst nickname: I'd like to be called Count Fuckula. Johanna Pohtinen, Education Matters Celebrity I had/have a crush on: Johnny Depp and Ralph Fiennes.. *gigglegigggle* A nasty habit of mine: Snapping at ppl.. 8( The animal I remind of: Homo sapiens. Remotely. My Worst nickname: Jossu. DON'T YOU DARE..!! Favourite Alcoholic Drink: Campari+oj, GT Heidi Tiltti, Party & Culture Favorite English Swearword: Fcuk A Nasty Habit of Mine: Hitting (on) people Something most people don't know about me: I'm never wasted just a bit tipsy (?) all the time One word that best describes me: Hostile (my friends agree but I naturally disagree) -�Choose you weapon!� Hostile Heidi

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Tuomas Kaukoranta, Party & Culture Favourite English course: Every course from which I was exempted. Favourite English swearword: ass-bandit Something most people dunno about me: I used to play ice hockey...filthy, innit? I would never... say - never say never A frequent nightmare of mine: "I want my life back"-type of hangover

Taru Korhonen, Vice member #1 Favourite English swearword: Cocksucker One word that best describes me: Emotional I suck at... nothing but I have a helluva bite when I'm in the mood. My worst nickname: Tapsa. Given to me by my tit-flashing friend. What's wrong with the world: Organized religions. Lilli Airaksinen, Vice member #2 A nasty habit of mine: Talking too much and biting my nails.. Celebrity I had/have a crush on: David Hasselhoff I would never... trust an Anglican. What's wrong with the world: it doesn't fit my pocket. Something most people dunno about me: I have spent a day as an illegal immigrant in Central America.. for real!

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Ei tuu ketään A famous shout on the field. When you hear this, the information is already out of date and you have two pesky opponents behind your back.

The

A B C of

Anglica

Floorball By Antti Koskinen

Have you bumped into unfamiliar sports jargon while playing floorball with other Anglican ball-whackers? Here are some clarifications for the terms that are commonly used among this noble and sophisticated ballgame. ASS A perfect way to begin this glossary: we, the gang, the posse, the glorious Anglica’s Sports Squad. B-rapun talonmiehet One of the teams that participated in the Sammonmalja contest. You probably don’t want to drop the soap while showering with these guys…

Fat pipe One of the most common stick labels in the game. Their freshest business invention: “Hey guys, let’s put some pictures of hot chicks in our sticks!” Gorilla A long period without a goal and you can easily feel the weight of this furry creature on your shoulders. Hyypiä A safe strategy, passing the ball out of bounds like a professional. Iskeri The home, the nest, the ghetto. This is where it all happens. Juti A defender whose enthusiasm to attack often backfires. Always ready to shoot, with or without aim.

Cursus costae A group of med students, with which Anglicans have had lots of fierce battles.

Kynä A tricky and skillful individual play that results in a goal. Very rare, almost extinct at Anglica’s play.

Dialectica The philosophers! Check Baccanalia05 for details.

Luovutus A clever way to lose a Sammonmalja match against a top team only 5-0.

Continues behind the bull -- > 16


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A classic case of up in the ass of Tito (lat. cloaca angst maximus )

Meiäo This shouter of this term strongly believes that the ball went out of bounds from the opponent’s player. Namuttelu Often seen in three against one –attacks. The technique and finesse of an average Anglican rarely suits this kind of play. One timer A simple person. Puhetta This shout is mostly used by mr. Savonlahti, in a situation where his teammates are reluctant of expressing their location on the court.

Que pasa? An appropriate question in numerous situations where there are more than two Anglicans chasing the holeball.

Röllimetsän mäiske An opponent at the Sammonmalja tournament with an inspiring name. Unfortunately the Röllies were so afraid of meeting us that they decided to stay in the shelter of the forest. Salminen The legendary ASS-maniac. When this blonde creature happens to be on the court, noise and confusion are guaranteed. Treeni Only for ungifted ones!

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Up in the ass of Timo A legendary quote from Marcus Grönholm. Not related with floorball, but hey, I just couldn’t leave it out… Vaihto This shout always comes from the bench, after the teammates on the court have forgot that the bench exists. To be uttered with as many /o/’s as possible.

X The number of times ASS has lost a sammonmalja match. Yes A restrained way to celebrate a goal. To be uttered with a distinctly softer voice than its f-equivalent after a miss. Zoo A perfect term to describe the events on the court. -Antti Koskinen

INSIDE ANGLICA: Suomela’s Way “You say Why The Bull? We Say Why Not!” When my namesake sent me and for this publication his article about the ASS floorball alphabet, he suggested I provide images for the story. I found it difficult, however, to locate photos that could illustrate what is essentially a savage sport, one whose nature camera never can truly capture. So I went for the next best thing and got you some nice pictures of people being harassed by bulls - for bull running, encierro, is in many ways like ASS floorball: lots of running, lots of looking over one's shoulder, lots of low-pitched masculine and slightly-higher-pitched feminine grunting and panting sounds.

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Black and White Music Party aka

Where Was Everybody nd 2 of Oct ’06???

Wanted: audience, preferably more than one possesses fingers and toes, that’s 20 or more. Must be interested in music and ready to get down. Question. Did anyone see this last Fall? Yes/No --> Question. Are you open to new experiences? Yes/No If you answered ‘Yes’ on both, then WHY WEREN’T YOU THERE!? (it’s the poster.)

When I finally had the courage to suggest it to some board members last fall, I felt that it would be a great idea to do an alternative to Britpop. I suggested that I could

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play some Black music (Outkast, MJ, Prince…) and someone else could play some White music (CCR, Pink Floyd, Stones…). The suggestion got green light and the


happening started to take some sort of form and shape. Two weeks before the date the other DJ cancelled, probably due to lack of info or he got cold feet, and that I’d get to play the whole night. No problemo. The night started just fine. Some guys and gals came in, requested some songs, you know, the usual dialogue; A: “Do you have some XXX?” DJ: “Nah, I don’t have XXX, but I have YYY and ZZZ, which are better than XXX.” A: “Fuhgedabaudit. Just play something good then.” The requests were coming in and I tried to keep the music flowing, but it is really hard keep the crowd hyped, if there are only some 14 people and a hobo (yes, a hobo, not to be confused to an elderly chemistry student) in the venue, and they are all leaving just after midnight! So I pulled the plug at 00.30 and lugged two crates of vinyl to the trunk of my car and drove off. I almost thought of quitting after that. I didn’t practice for four years to deserve that! I ain’t no bullshit

“I’ll-play-top40-hits-straight-outta-my-iPod-in-Sedula-to-getlaid”-DJ! I’m a “bad-MoFoturntable-ninja-that’ll-makeyour-head-spin”-DJ! I don’t play songs of some random Swede singing about that piece of irc-code is going to ban him (och den båten bannar så hart…).Boo-hoo! I don’t play songs that I don’t like. Why the hell should someone go to a club and listen to some guy (or gal) playing NRJ’s or Radio Nova’s most wanted list all over again? Life is too short for that! A good DJ should be able to entertain as well as educate at the same time. That’s what I did when the students at my old high school called me and asked me to rock a party. I’m so great that they asked me to work my magic again. And they paid me some extra, on both occasions, ‘cause I’m so f-a-b-o-lo-u-s! ‘Nuff said, I enjoyed those gigs way more. Now, I’m not implying that they out-partied university students…Oh wait a minute! Yes I am! They out-partied and outpaid you! Now here’s a golden nugget for you:

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create a great concept, get everyone there and get retarded! I think that the honored Anglica should create an annual theme party (and when I say party, I really mean PARTEE!) that would become as ubiquitous as Britpop and take into consideration those of us who pronounce English the ‘GA-way’. Here is a great idea: 2 or more DJs battling each other, playing only US or UK records,

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playing sets of 30-40minutes at a time, nah what I’m sayin’? Something like this: I’m willing to battle anyone, so let’s just slap an entry fee on that flyer and let’s get ready to rrrruuuuuuumbleeeeee!!! Yours truly. DJ Supertyyli myspace.com/djsupertyyli


HOW TO ACT IN CLASS 1. Never make eye-contact. 2. Never smile. 3. Always sit behind someone bigger than yourself (back of the class, so you can lean on the back wall). 4. Don´t move your hands anywhere near upwards. 5. Look like you´re writing notes and only look up briefly as f to catch every important word. 6. If you look at the time, do it when the teacher turns their back. 7. If all else fails, pretend you´re asleep (NB: only works once a semester!). 8. If you do have to answer, pretend you have a sore throat (works esp. well in winter). 9. Don´t look like you´re day-dreaming. 10. Never, never, never, pretend to be overly interested (see number 2 for this)!!! 11. If it suddenly gets really quiet, glance that they haven´t asked you anything; otherwise, don´t do anything hasty!

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One Night at Rose Bowl by Miika Katajamäki

Baggio went on to score more and more goals for Azzurri in the World Cup and they were going for the big prize. Baggio’s ponytail was ugly but I could live with that. He was short and stooped

A few weeks ago, a friend of mine said

but I did not care. If a person can play like

to me: “You know Miika, we both have

that and carry the whole team and nation

the same cross to bear. One f——n´

on his shoulders (I wanted to believe he

penalty“. He did not mean us, he was

was stooped for that), I did not mind the

talking about our football idols, Marco

technicalities. I stayed up for matches late

Van Basten for him, Roberto Baggio for

at night and I stood in awe of this small,

me. Van Basten’s penalty miss in 1992

weird-looking Italian Buddhist who

Euro Champs was a dreadful accident and

scored goals from chances others did not

a disastrous example of what happens

even see coming, in almost desperate

when everything goes wrong. Baggio’s

situations and challenging and beating

miss in 1994 World Cup final, then, was

defenders 20 cm taller and 20 kilos bigger

the end of the world.

than him with class I had never seen.

I was a 10-year-old kid at the time

Baggio had my attention. “The Messiah

of the World Cup in the USA. First, I

of Florence” led Italy to the World Cup

cheered for Romania, then for the host

final. I was ready for the party…

nation. But when Roberto Baggio scored

I watched the final with my brother

his last second goal against Nigeria in a

and my dad late at night. Things were

way that I could not believe that anyone

getting a bit frustrating when no goals

can have that kind of nerves, if he had

were scored within the first ninety

any at all. In the dying seconds of the

minutes. The overtime was goalless as

game, Giuseppe Signori passed the ball

well and the penalties would decide the

to Baggio from the right side of the

winner.

penalty box. Softly, slowly and

Baresi: miss, Santos: miss. Albertini:

beautifully Baggio put the ball into the

goal, Romario: goal. Evani: goal, Branco:

bottom corner from the edge of the

goal. Massaro: miss, Dunga: goal. Then,

penalty area. I had found my hero.

Roberto Baggio stepped up to take the

From that day and that blink of an eye

decisive penalty. I could not even look.

on, Roberto Baggio, “The Divine Ponytail”

Baggio had promised to cut off his

was for me the best player in the world.

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Sh*t happens. ponytail if Italy would win. That was a

chant openly for the greatest football

reason enough to cheer for Italy and

player of all time. It makes him

Baggio. However, he blasted the ball over

vulnerable, perfection is a utopia.

the crossbar into the darkening L.A. sky

Kupittaa, summer of ‘95, semi-

at the Rose Bowl stadium. I cried the

final of TPK-cup, penalty shoot-out,

whole night. Even though he was not the

Ruskon Pallo -67 against TPK. I am the

only one to miss a penalty, Massaro and

last player to shoot a penalty for Rusko.

Baresi missed as well, Baggio was to take

A short run … a quick look at the keeper

the blame. The best player in the world

… strong kick … and the ball goes two

at the time was a good scapegoat for the

meters wide. We lost the shoot-out with

defeat, being Buddhist in Italy and all… It is funny that every time Roberto

that miss and I felt terrible. Then, my

Baggio pops out in a conversation, there

“Now you know how he felt”. For a brief

are people who remind me of Los Angeles,

moment I was in Baggio’s shoes and no

July 17, 1994.I do not mind. I am happy to

matter how the moment sucked, I was

be on the side of a loser. My love for

glad.

teammate stepped up to me and said:

Baggio’s game has overcome everything and the notorious penalty at the Rose Bowl has only strengthened my enthusiasm and my will to cheer and

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PLAY PUSSY AND GIT FUCKED

– a brief introduction to African American English and its idioms BY SATU-ANNELE

The abovementioned expression can be rendered in mainstream English as “if you say a certain thing, you must be prepared to suffer the consequences”. So if you’re in, say, New Orleans and headed towards the KITCHEN to get a BUCKET of chicken SKINS or to check up on the COOKIN – you might want to check up on your understanding of the unique vocabulary of African American English before DIPPIN in… BONE1

1) A marijuana cigarette. 2) The penis. 3) A dollar bill. 4) A skinny person, usually female; a negative form. “You better start eatin, girl. Don’t nobody want no bone.” BONE2

To perform sex, from the male viewpoint. Probably a resurfacing of and variation on love bone (older term). BUCKET

A beat-up car, usually an older model. BUTTER

1) Something nice. 2) Crack cocaine. CHICKEN EATER

A preacher; a derogatory term. Traditionally the preacher ate Sunday dinner at a church member’s house and was given his pick of the chicken, with the children

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eating last, whatever was left. They expressed their resentment by calling the preacher a chicken eater. CLUCKHEAD

A person addicted to crack (or other drugs). COCK

Vagina. COOKIN

1)Doing something energetically and with skill. Crossover meaning. 2) Playing jazz with intense enthusiasm, fervour, and excellence. DIPPIN

Being nosy; sticking your nose into or getting involved in another person’s business or conversation. KIBBLES AND BITS

1) Cheap food. 2) Used in reference to a man who is not well-endowed, not hung. KITCHEN

The hair at the nape of the neck, inclined to be the most curly and thus the hardest part of straightened hair to keep from going back. PLUCK

Wine, possibly derived from pluck, meaning “courage”; in earlier years, wine was often drunk before gang fights. Today’s pluck is the Forty.


SALTY

Angry, mad. SERVE

1) To provide sexual favors. “I just want to be the one to serve you.” 2) To be outdone by a competitor. “He got served.” 3) To beat up. SKINS

1) Females. 2) Euphemism for pussy. 3) Cigarette papers for rolling marijuana cigarettes. 4) Fried pork rinds. 5) Drums; the term dates from the 1930s but is still in use by musicians today. 6) Shoes made from animal skins, such as alligator and lizard. All terms and definitions according to Black Talk: Words and Phrases from the Hood to the Amen Corner by Geneva Smitherman.

To Be or Pubiin?

Wo r d p l a y

e x t r a v a g a n z a

Take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or

4. Reintarnation: Coming back to

changing one letter, and supply a

life as a hillbilly.

new definition. 5. Bozone (n.): The substance sur1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buy-

rounding stupid people that stops

ing a house, which renders the sub

bright ideas from penetrating. The

ject financially impotent for an

bozone layer, unfortunately, shows

indefinite period of time.

little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

6. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of

3. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting

getting laid.

a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start

7. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-

with.

painted very, very high.

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8. Sarchasm: The gulf between the

17. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the

author of sarcastic wit and the per

form of a mosquito, that gets into

son who doesn't get it.

you bedroom at three in the morn ing and cannot be cast out.

9. Inoculatte: To take coffee intra venously when you are running

18. Caterpallor (n.): The color you

late.

turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

10. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness. 11. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.) 12. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer. 13. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you. 14. Glibido: All talk and no action.

Supply alternate meanings for common words. Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent

15. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

16. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The fran tic dance performed just after

Lymph(n.), to walk with a lisp.

you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

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Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver


Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored

Perplexed: adj., lost in a movie

mouthwash.

theater.

Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehi

Racket: n., a small pair of breasts.

cle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

Nincompoop: n., the military command responsible for battlefield

Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding

sanitation.

hairline. Ineffable: adj., describes someone Testicle (n.), a humorous question

you absolutely cannot swear in

on an exam.

front of.

Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified

Pontificate: n., a document given

demeanor assumed by a procto-

to each graduating pope.

logist immediately before he exam ines you.

Pimple: n., pimp’s apprentice.

Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.

Discussion: n., a Frisbee-related head injury.

Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.

Ozone: n., area in which the G-spot is located.

Bustard (n.), a rude bus driver. Flattery: n., a place that manufacSemantics (n.), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief

tures A and B cup brassieres only. Pop Secret: Paternity suit settled without publicity.

that, when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

Oral-B: Monica’s grade on her last intern evaluation.

Spatula (n.), A fight among vampires.

Washington Post's Mensa Invitational (2005)

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CONFERENCE HOPPING

..for the sake of networking (and not to mention fun!) Everyone’s buzzing about networking these days. As if it hadn’t been the word for graduate employment for years. Networking, networking, networking… You must be up to your ears with the topic, I know I am. Yet, as cliché and as boring as it sounds, networks really are an asset once we enter professional lives. Not only will the people you know one day perhaps be able to help you get a job, they can also provide you with

32

advice, tips and personal contacts to otherwise faceless organisations and companies. For students like us, an easy and fun way to network with a plan is to do conferences. There are tons of conferences organised all the time everywhere in the world and conference hopping, doing conferences for the sole purpose of meeting people, has become a hobby for many young people. Some even google


all the possible conferences and apply, no matter what the academic contents are. Many conferences, once you are accepted, will pay for your accommodation, food, social program and some even for your flights. Therefore also poor students can afford to hop. This spring I’ve done two conferences myself: the Finnish Model UN in Helsinki and European Week in Eindhoven, Holland. The official programs taught me many things from the current situation in Somalia to the art of debating and from European identity to crisis management. All valuable things to hear about, but nothing that new or life changing. At best, like during FINMUN 2007, you are inspired and learn a new way of looking at things or at worst, like at the European Week, you get to exchange opinions with a bunch of young people from different cultures. In the end, there are only so many things you can learn about any topic during 45 minutes, a day or even a week. What you can do, however, – and this is the true value of conference hopping – is

find a friend, someone you really like and who will, like you, make a difference in the world or at least in their field. Why does the mere mention of networking make most Finns shiver with disgust? Perhaps it is because networking implies some kind of agenda, premeditation, something calculated. And as we all know, Finns in general believe that a friendship develops in a slow, coincidental process and there should be nothing planned about it. But what is so bad about getting to know people, even with a design? It’s not only you who benefits from a friendship, knowing you is an asset too. Networks and friendships are two-way streets, it’s a winwin situation to make a friend, make a contact for both involved. Sometimes it seems that a lot of Finnish people also use most peculiar logic and think that somehow there are only a limited number of friends and acquaintances a person can and more importantly should have. In the end, the greatest thing about the act of making friends or networking at conferences is that it’s fun! If you only have a week of meeting people,the potential

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friends you will make are not the ones sitting next to you at a lecture but rather the people you share your moves on the dance floor with, those who join you in an attempt to make a hole in the ice with various creative ways at 3 am (who could imagine that neither an axe nor a bonfire would work!), the ones you compete against at musical chairs which are actually beer crates (out of 300 people, I managed to hold on until 7 were left and then they had to play Rammstein! Still bitter ;), those who teach you the pleasures of the Icelandic drink Bomba (Southern Comfort and Jäger) and the ones who are patient when you try des-

34

perately to learn Jump style (a funny looking Dutch way of dancing). Making friends is indeed a process and a project everyone can enjoy. If you’re reading this, you’re most likely a humanist like me. That means you’re going to need all the help there is to get hired in the future (teachers excluded). My advice is simple. Activate yourself! Make networks! Go to conferences. Best, Nikke For more information on FinMUN, visit www.finmun.org. Other high quality MUNs are www.danmun.org and http://ice.mun.is/ both of which will be organised next in the Autumn 2007. For the next EWE you’ll have to wait a year, but go check it out anyway at www.europeanweek.org/


DEAR DIARY MOOD: APATHETIC :’(

COLOR YOUR OWN EMO CHICKEN! (RELEVANCE: ZERO)

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Confessions of a cider drinker ...Ah, where to begin. Even when I begin to only think about the various ways I could - at this very moment - be enjoying a cold, bubbly glass of cider, I get all warm inside my stomach, my tastebuds are tinkling in my mouth, expecting that first sip of the bitter nectar. I confess: I never really understood all the fuzz about beer. Homer Simpson drinks it day and night, you can give it a dozen nicknames, it seems to be the official national beverage. And beside the beer cans, there has always been cider - at least as long as I can remember. It wasn’t manly at all to drink it - no, my dad never drank cider, I found no man ordering a frosty cider instead of a “cold one”. I guess it happened right before my navy duty. I just happened to wonder onto a ferry filled with drunken students, I still don’t know how it came to be. I found myself drinking with an osakuntalainen (!), a daring task to be begin with, but what I found most astonishing, was that he ordered a cider - with a weird name and all - called Crowmoor. I was introduced to a whole new taste of apple, beverage, nourishment in

36

general. I had found my match. I knew I’d take a risk. A man drinking cider in Finland has to act like a dwarf using a urinal - you have to tip-toe your way in and out of places. Don’t show off your superior taste, maintain a low profile. If you get caught ordering a Magners or a Stowford Press by a suspecting commoner, tell them it’s just a foreign beer with bubbles. If they dare you to reveal your cider feasting habits in the army, don’t go for it. It’s not easy living for a fellow, who enjoys his cider, but since when did it stop us? A Crowmoor at Proffa? Hold on, I’m joining in! -Tatu


Observations on a Gin & Tonic Related Phenomenon by Antti Suomela I like g&t. I drink it, too. During my many hours of painstaking scientific research on the drink, I made some interesting observations: Observation number one If you squeeze a bit of lemon into your g&t, you can occasionally drop a lemon seed or seeds into the drink. Observation number two Depending on the relative amounts of gin and tonic (or alcohol and water, rather) in the drink, the seeds either sink to the bottom or float. Observation number three If the tonic is “fizzy� enough, bubbling will induce a continuous flow of the mixture. The shape of the glass affects the speed and the strength of the flow. Observation number four If you happened to accidentally drop a lemon seed into the drink, AND if there is enough bubbling AND if the density of the alcohol/water mixture is close enough to that of the lemon seed, the seed will start to move up and down with the flow created by the bubbling. Observation number five It is surprisingly easy to notice this phenomenon and then think you are the first to ever notice it, and, thus, to think you are justified to name this drink Hissi because you think you are clever.

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Great Expectations By Anatoli Muste

and, worst of all, bed sores on those most unfortunate in that they might not qualify as human or living at all. Oh, it’s a ball.

From the jungle thirty five to the almost eighty years alive

And in ways, it’s burning beds,

in Finland,

bowed or disembodied heads,

it’s about getting either up to standard

a disease that spreads

or ready to get slandered.

when the white dove flies with clipped wings.

It’s losing and gaining.

And how it stings

Maintaining.

to see the messenger die at the topmost step to the conference hall;

It’s dropping the ball and catching it –

it couldn’t make it up and came to fall

getting it all and matching it

with what stands as the symbol of the free –

with what you already got.

a branch from a tree to which a man once was nailed.

For some, it’s working until

A man, a king who failed.

you either drop or drop out at 72 or not getting a job because you

And “You’ve got to make the best of it

pop one out at 22.

or you’re not going to see the rest of it”

It’s being (un)employed and (un)happy.

say so many, their heads hung down heavy with the blood-soaked artefacts

It’s being

on their necks, their purpose

alone

and methods unclear,

or lonely, but dating

fear for so long the driving force

and loving

to avoid the condemnations of Heck’s.

and hating.

Life? It’s human wrecks not performing up to specs.

Choosing to be blind or being blinded, choosing to be kind or being reminded

Yet, not all agree.

to be that.

Not all agree to be what is imposed on us.

And foremost, it’s wars,

And thus,

hardcore porn, whores –

there yet is hope for us.

the kind you ride –

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39


We Review, You Save Time!

---l As Baccanalia againhas hasgath gathAs Baccanalia o nonce c e again

of Finnish cinema. During the thrilling

ered some people to review some stuff,

story we witness the adventures of a very

we just decided to skip all the

Kaurismäki-like detective and his seem-

metatextuality and useless bullshite. So

ingly endless supply of booze as he tire-

there you have it: we rotate stuff and re-

lessly tracks down the Log Murderer, all

view, and you can save your time for

the while quoting Stanislaw Jerzy Lec

something more useful, like reading

(really, anything with SJL quotes can't be

grammar, eating pudding or burning

that bad). After not one but two thrilling

dolls. Transition! The lovely burning doll

chase scenes, the story surprisingly

is from the first reviewed media, and a

comes to a happy (?) ending. I'm really

one, and a two, and a [pushes play]..

looking forward to the double DVD spe-

1st Item (by Eetu): ‘Kuoleman Kansalainen’ A film noir detective story, heavily influenced by everything you can imagine. Excuse the worst of the jokes.

cial edition with a genuine burning baby doll figurine and Behind the School and Neighbour's Barn extras. What's the deal with that guy singing in the shower, though? Props for the not-so-subtle product placement...

Review by Taru: WARNING: Contains graphical violence against defenseless logs. Film Noir meets Cold War politics in this l o s t m a s t e r p i e c e

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Available: Nowhere, we'relucky. lucky. Available: Nowhere, if ifwe're Contact Eetu for your pirated copies. Remember, too, that logs are not just for Christmas.


To m Toy my f e l fellow l o w m amale l e AAnglicans: nglicans: 2nd Item (by Taru): ‘Tipping the Velvet’ (2002) Lesbian love and cross-dressing in Victorian England, guaranteed BBC quality. Review by SAntti: The DVD The DVD cover.cover. O h jOh o y,joy, j o yjoy o fofj ojoys ys - two quite attractive females, provocatively dressed, exchanging lustful looks. Could this possibly mean the TV serial is about... lesbians? Further investigation proves this to be true – set in the late 19th century, the three-hour and three-part serial is based on a contemporary “Vic-

Watch this with your girlfriends but don’t let them catch you grinning! 3rd Item (by SAntti) http://makezine.com/blog/ A geek is a geek, right? No, there are the Star Trek geeks. There are the role-playing geeks. There are the computer geeks. All choose to tinker with their toys all night long instead of “SHAK ING THE BOOT-AYEH” at the club. This website proves the exist ence of yet another subgroup – the electronics geeks.

torian lesbian novel” of the same name.

Review by Tuomas: The thing is that I’ve never even tried to

Could this mean corsets and those fancy

review a website, so I don’t have the

dresses? Those long gloves and the hats

slightes idea what to look into. Anyway,

and all that? I press play.

the site in question are very uneasy, re-

The technical performance is good

pulsive even. As the 2010s is drawing

and the cinematography is great. Some

near one might imagine that aesthetics

directorial choices like certain long steady

and clarity are taken into consideration,

cam walking shots and the incredibly

since having a website is almost self-evi-

corny “shutter” special effect almost ruin

dent. However, this is not the case with

the atmosphere. The soundtrack is some-

www.makezine.com.

times silly – what do African drums have to do with Victorian lesbians?

Apparently it is the website of a magazine that resembles Tieteen Kuvalehti in

The casting has been successful –

Finland. What was weird was that my

the starring female actresses are not only

usual interest for scientific articles wasn’t

skilled, but also very beautiful. Some

awaken. This was most propably caused

quite daring scenes in the movie too, so

by the horrific choice of colours and a

you get to see a lot of that beauty; suffice

“Seiska”-like layout. This doesn’t mean

to say I was very, very happy to watch

that the site is awfully confusing but that

them do their lesbian things. I think I did

it resembles a “Seiska” executed with the

occasionally do a bit of rewinding, too.

accuracy (and colour taste) of an engi-

41


neer. I had to browse through the pages a little

to

check

out

the

practical

functions(links etc.) of the site. Nothing to complain about that. Nevertheless, during the browsing of makezine.com I became certain that its best feature was the “X” in the upper right corner.

4th Item (by Tuomas) ‘Hercules in New York’ It is the first movie in which Arnold Schwarzenegger starred,which makes it a classic on its own right. This version has Arnold’s own voice (original version was dubbed), which challenges the viewer to decipher the unidentified the man splutters.

It is the first movie in which Arnold Schwarzenegger starred, which makes it a classic on it’s right. This version has Arnold’s own voice (original version was dubbed), which challenges the viewer into trying to decipher the unidentified alien tongue the man splutters.

Review by Mamu:

Arnold Crush!

Who can say anything bad about a movie beginning with “Starring: Arnold Strong “Mr Universe””?!? I don´t know which was better, the realization that he´s got bigger boobs than I do, or that they move. Maybe that´s where he gets the tendency to harass secretaries: he wants to make their boobs move, too. I bet Arnold´s glad now that he didn´t do “Hercules in California”. Not that the sight of him in a barely-there toga or the circa 1970 New York fashion doesn´t make you wanna move to the States just to be able to vote. Over and out.

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5th Item (by Mamu): http://www.people.com Star News! Star Tracks! Star Fashion! Who can live without this vital information?! I start my mornings, a f t e r n o o n s , evenings and nights with this site. ;) Review by Tatu: I just opened this site and the first two things I saw where a scantily-glad Paris Hilton and a grinning photo of the worst American Idol ever, Sanjaya. I beg for forgiveness, but I think people.com just


pretty much reviewed itself. I might find a surprising fully-clothed Paris Hilton in there somewhere but Sanjaya stares at me like Gandalf and I most definitely shall not pass. I’ve always used google image search for my Scarlett Johansson needs and will continue to do so in the future aswell, People.com offers me fuck-all.

the futuristic feel of this album is quite similar to something one might’ve heard when playing Fallout, or in fact, Splinter Cell. Towards the end of the album, Tobin moves away from the pressuring feel of his early tracks to something more calm, and frankly, I am left wanting. All in all, a decent album. 2/5

6th Item (by Tatu): Amon Tobin - Foley Room It’s what the city sounds at night. Brilliant downtempo. Review by Eetu: Amon Tobin was born in Brazil but moved to England at an early age. Foley Room is the sixth album of this 35-yearold DJ/musician. You might recognize him as the composer of the soundtrack of the game Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory. From a completely biased and subjective point of view, I shall now give a review of the album. Amon Tobin was completely unknown to me prior to this, but I must say I was pleasantly surprised by the first few tracks of the album, ‘Bloodstone’ and ‘Esther’s’ particularly. The monumentality of the sounds and the tempo of the tracks was something I found quite pleasant as a (somewhat) fan of hard rock and industrial music. You can clearly hear that Tobin has worked in game soundtracks, as the

The L’oreal Anti-Christ

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Leipomo - Konditoria Moberg & Kumppanit

Verkatehtaankatu 6 20100 Turku Puh/fax (02) 250 4760 moberg@konditoria.org

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Baccanalia 2007