43.08 - Willamette Week, December 21, 2016

Where hate is strong in Oregon. P. 7

WILLAMETTE WEEK PORTLAND’S NEWSWEEKLY

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VOL 43/08 12.21.2016

A criminal record vanishes. P. 11

Our annual lastminute stoner gift guide. P. 42

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How Santos charmed a new friend.

Tim Hurtley is one of the Oregon Humane Society’s faithful volunteers. A selfdescribed dog lover, Tim enjoys walking dogs twice a week. But during a stint at the Cascade Station PetSmart, Mr. Hurtley was captivated by a different furry friend.

Santos had been hanging around a little longer than some of the other animals.

Tim took note of Santos because, as he says, “I like an animal with personality.”

Together they spent many days playing with toys and giving head bumps.

Santos and OHS Volunteer Tim Hurtley

Santos found his Forever Home. But not without filling a special place in Tim’s heart. Volunteers are the lifeblood of OHS. Every day they help our furry friends in a variety of ways. From walking dogs to managing databases. They do it with love. And what they get back is immeasurable.

OREGON, THE BEST PLACE TO BE A PET LOVE TO THE RESCUE Animal compassion begins with Officer Wallace, who serves as a Humane Special Agent for the state of Oregon. He and the rest of the team investigate thousands of abuse and neglect reports each year.

These highly trained officers crisscross the state to find justice for animals.

They also help pet owners who may not have enough resources. They’ll tell the down-on-his-luck farmer about the hay bank so that his horse will have plenty to eat. They’ll talk to a dog owner about the importance of shade, water, and shelter—and then mention the weekly food bank down the street.

CARING FOR BODY AND SOUL OHS partners with Oregon State University’s College of Veterinary Medicine, where students learn about the physiology of animals and the relationship between a pet and its owner. They learn the unique needs of low-income pet owners, the factors that cause people to give their pets up, and how to spot abuse and neglect.

They care for the animals and their companions.

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 21,2016 wweek.com

Take the case of Milagro the Miracle Kitty, who was After his rescue, Milagro spent his evenings snuggled found cold, starving and seemingly dead in a storage in the lap of his owner Joanne, safe and warm in his unit. Dr. Kris Otteman, however, saw the life in him and Forever Home. spent months nursing and loving him back to health.

A RISING TIDE OF LOVE When you get right down to it, the reason that Oregon is the best place for pets is that Oregonians love and honor animals.

MORE THAN ADOPTIONS Animal Rescue Cruelty Investigations Behavior Training Veterinary Care Statewide Advocacy

It’s working with state legislators to pass laws that reflect that belief. It’s teaching veterinarians who can bring that to every animal—and person—they encounter. It’s the person who cares enough to notice that a dog down the street looks a little too thin, a little too sick—and picks up the phone to call the OHS Investigations hotline.

They all form an interconnecting web of love, each one of them, and you do, too. Thank you, Oregonians, from the pets and people of the Oregon Humane Society. oregonhumane.org

Advertising space donated by Willamette Week. Creative services donated by Leopold Ketel.

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WHAT WE LEARNED FROM READING THIS WEEK’S PAPER

SERVICE SPECIAL

VOL. 42, ISSUE 8.

If a cellphone call to 911 gets disconnected, Portland has no way of calling back or finding the caller’s location. 7 Amanda Fritz displays a Katrinaera Bush level of caring about black people. 9

Huber’s historic Spanish coffee cocktail dates only to 1975. 15 Timberline Lodge still has its

original heater. It doesn’t work super-well. 18

ON THE COVER:

Most Oregon oysters are of Japanese descent. 18 If you would like to purchase $9 bougie pepperoni sticks from an artisanal vending machine, there is a place. 35 On 35 mm, you’ll notice The Dude does not wear socks with his rented bowling shoes. 39 If you would like to buy a mink skull, there is a place. 42

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Photo of Kevin at Knot Springs

by Christine Dong.

A Trump piñata got smashed at a company holiday party, and not everyone laughed.

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

3

COVER LANGUAGE WAS “CARELESS”

How did WW find it appropriate to frame an I read the top right cover teaser of the Dec. 7, article about Japanese noodles using the rheto2016, Willamette Week that states: ric of foreign invasion? The reference is not only cheap but reinforces a kind of xenophobia to “If you’re an immigrant, don’t screw up.” P. 9 I read those seven words, and I turned to which Portland has subscribed for too long.

Portland was one of the first cities in the U.S. page 9. I read your article. I understand that the intention of the article was not to hurt, alienate to relocate and incarcerate its Japanese Amerior isolate immigrant community members in can population during World War II, a process Portland. But I want you to know those seven that was enabled, in large part, by the fear of a Japanese invasion. Portland was also words stung. one of the only cities on the West I am the daughter of an immigrant.

Coast to not mount any opposition Most of my friends are either children of immigrants or first-generation to internment. immigrants. It is a painful and scary I love ramen. I’m also the grandson of Japanese immigrants who time when people with mixed-status were incarcerated during World War families that may include undocuTHE MOST II. That’s where I’m coming from. mented loved ones are scared about S DANGEROU WOMAN IN PORTLAND their families being torn apart.

—Brandon Shimoda The words chosen for the cover were careless, and suggest a place TAKING OUT THE TRASH “Words of privilege and safe distance from The term “white trash,” like its coushave the in “trailer trash,” fits all the criteria the very real issue of human rights. I urge you to consider that sarcasm, if of a slur. It’s a term that denigrates ability to that was the intended tone, does not a group of people based on race, manifest always translate. And even if it did, appearance and socioeconomic stagreater out of context, those seven words tus. It’s meant to be derogatory. amounts read like a hateful slogan of judgSo why does WW apparently believe of hate.” ment that could cause shame and it’s acceptable to use it? [“Crawls of fear among immigrant readers.

Shame,” WW, Dec. 14, 2016.] DemonWords have the ability to snowball and mani- izing an entire demographic, even under the guise fest greater amounts of hate and terror, now of “humor,” shifts blame and hinders the solidarity we desperately need to create systemic change. more than ever.

I urge you to take greater care in ensuring The ruling class has used divide-and-conquer that your media platform affirms our shared tactics for eons to gain and maintain power, as is clearly visible in national politics. Please don’t humanity as members of this community. feed the divide.

—Name withheld by request —Terese Kelly THE MASTER OF TENTACLE PORN P. 21

A FAST-ACTING CURE FOR BEING TOO STONED? P. 42

IF YOU’RE AN IMMIGRANT, DON’T SCREW UP. P. 9

WILLAMETTE WEEK

HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE INSIDE!

WWEEK.COM

VOL 43/06 1 2 . 7. 2 01 6

CITING A “CHEAP” REFERENCE

I turned to your article on Tokyo-based ramen shops in Portland [“The Japanese Invasion,” WW, Dec. 14, 2016], but I was taken aback by the headline.

THE POWER OF RENTERS MARGOT BLACK IS HARNESSING TO CHANGE THIS CITY. PAGE 12

BY RACHEL MONAHAN

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR must include the author’s street address and phone number for verification.

Letters must be 250 or fewer words.

Submit to: 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210.

Email: mzusman@wweek.com.

Oregon Lottery ads say they’ve put millions into parks, schools, etc. Where is the evidence? Why don’t they list how much was given to X entity? Where does the money go? Is this a scam?

—You Never Know Not to rain on your parade, Never—I’m sure you’re a well-intentioned liberal like everyone else in Portland—but that’s exactly the attitude that put Donald Trump in the White House.

Google “Oregon Lottery dollars” right now.

I’ll wait. The very first result takes you to a page with a pie chart and a drop-down menu of every county in Oregon. That menu, in turn, will take you to a spreadsheet containing information on every project that Oregon Lottery money has funded in that county, including exact dollar amounts. You can’t miss it.

They have brochures, too, and press events, and at least one full-time employee whose entire job is to get this information to penetrate your skull. So the fact that you’re asking this question—and asking it in a rather truculent, chest-poking fashion, to boot—is a pretty clear example of what’s wrong with our polity.

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

The problem is not that, like you, Americans don’t know the answers to basic questions about government. And it’s not that we make no effort to learn those answers—though God knows it’s easy enough to do. It’s not even the fact that we actively avoid this information, leaping from our armchairs with a Velcro-like sucking sound to change channels every time a media outlet seems in danger of explaining something useful.

No, the problem is that—having defended our brains against all civic knowledge with the ferocity of Henry at Agincourt—we then present OUR OWN IGNORANCE as proof of a conspiracy. “Well, I certainly haven’t seen those lottery numbers—what are they hiding? Is this a scam?”

All we can do now is hope the rising tide of stupidity reaches the point where we literally forget how to vote. Which, to be fair, could happen.

QUESTIONS? Send them to dr.know@wweek.com

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Oregon Gov. Kate Brown’s chief of staff, Kristen Leonard, has belatedly disclosed another potential conflict of interest in addition to potential conflicts related to a campaign bookkeeping company and software contract WW reported last week (“Conflict Avoidance,” WW, Dec. 14, 2016). Leonard’s husband, Kevin Neely, is the lobbyist for the Oregon District Attorneys Association, a powerful force in state policy and budgeting involving public safety issues—such as the Department of Corrections budget, sentencing reform and whether to open a second women’s prison.

Chris Pair, a spokesman for Brown, says after questions from WW, Leonard decided Dec. 20 to report the potential conflict her husband’s lobbying presents. “Out of an abundance of caution, Kristen Leonard has formally disclosed in writing her husband’s employment with the Oregon District Attorneys Association,” Pair says.

Lake Oswego Rethinks Graduation Gowns

Lake Oswego and Lakeridge high school students are ditching a graduationday tradition they say excluded transgender and gender-questioning teenagers. Gone are the days when girls wore white caps and gowns and boys wore blue versions. Starting with the Class of 2017, all students will wear blue gowns. “As student awareness and understanding of gender equality and gender identity issues have been heightened, questions were raised as to why a gender distinction should be part of the graduation ceremony,” says Nancy Duin, a spokeswoman for the Lake Oswego School District.

“Students were also aware that this tradition was being challenged at other high schools across the country.”

A little more than a year ago, John Bradley was CEO of R&H Construction and president of the Arlington Club, Portland’s citadel of power. Today, a year after his arrest and assault conviction for hitting his wife (“A Bad Night,” WW, Nov. 25, 2015), he is neither. But Bradley is back in the news after being booked into Multnomah County Jail on Dec. 16 for violating the terms of his probation for his conviction for assaulting his wife.

Bradley remains in jail. His attorney, Robin DesCamp, says Bradley violated a restraining order by writing his wife a brief note—a gesture he now regrets.

Poker Clubs Bust Out

Four of Portland’s quasilegal poker clubs got coal in their stockings this year.

Effective Dec. 22, the city of Portland’s Revenue Division will suspend the licenses of the Game, Oregon Racing Inc., Final Table, and Oregon Poker Club for two weeks after investigators found the clubs were violating city rules that included prohibitions on cash games; professional, non-playing dealers; and professional gambling.

It is the latest in a series of regulatory actions against businesses that have fallen between the cracks of state laws and city rules.

Give!Guide Having a Happy Holiday

Willamette Week’s annual Give!Guide is live and accepting donations at giveguide.org. Giving has surpassed $2.15 million and 6,400 donors. The campaign is seeking 10,000 donors by midnight, Dec. 31.

NEWS

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS WEEK

51 A DAY

HATE

BY TARRA M A RTIN

According to an updated Dec. 16 report from the Southern Poverty Law Center, Oregon continues to lead the nation in the rate of “hate incidents” that have swept the U.S. in the month since Donald Trump was elected president.

With 42 reported instances of harassment and intimidation from Nov. 8 to Dec. 12, Oregon ranks ninth in the nation. But given the state’s relatively low population, this appears to be the highest rate per capita.

Twenty of the reported hate incidents occurred in Portland, with Bend ranking a distant second, with three reports. The SPLC notes that the most common form of harassment in Oregon were verbal attacks, at 76 percent.

ANTIIMMIGRANT

ANTIASIAN

ANTIBLACK

ANTILATINO

tmartin@wweek.com

About one-third of Oregon’s alleged hate incidents directly referenced Trump, tracking with the national average.

(About half the alleged incidents in Oregon were targeting more than just one group, but are mapped here to feature the primary target recorded by the SPLC.) The SPLC’s findings have included some bogus reports, with several high-profile, post-election hate incidents recently debunked. In its latest report, the SPLC highlighted 13 probable false stories, out of 1,094 post-election incidents nationwide. This amounts to just 1.2 percent of the reports the organization has collected.

ANTIMUSLIM

ANTILGBT

ANTIWOMAN

ANTITRUMP

MISC./ OTHER

P ORTL A N D

BEAVERTON ✖ HIL L SBORO ✖ TIGA RD

✖ H OOD R IVER

✖

✖ GR ESH A M ✖ H APPY VALLEY ✖ WEST LINN ✖ OR EGON CITY

✖

✖ SILVER TON ✖

A SHL A N D

✖

SALEM

EUGENE

KLAM ATH FALLS

RoboCops “We take this type of voter suppression activity very seriously. There is simply no circumstance under which an Oregonian who has received a ballot should receive a call challenging their registration status.” —Secretary of State Jeanne P. Atkins on Nov. 4, following reports of robocalls across Oregon.

✖ A L BA N Y

✖ N O R T H B EN D

That’s the number of calls to Portland’s 911 call center that were abandoned or disconnected in 2015 without the city having the means to retrieve a call-back number or location of the caller. In all, the city lost track of 18,482 calls from cellphones, calls that had already made it through an automatic screening process designed to eliminate accidental dials. That’s a violation of city policy that requires 911 operators be able to reach out to anyone who calls. The Bureau of Emergency Communications says some of those calls could still be accidental.

The number is among the findings in an ombudsman’s report, “Problem With the City’s Emergency Communication System,” released Dec. 21.

The lost calls also mean the city has potentially underreported hold times for callers who dial 911.

Ombudsman Margie Sollinger recommends the City Council decide whether to continue to screen cellphone calls when the city upgrades its system as soon as this spring. (Portland is among a small number of call centers that screen cellphone calls to 911 to reduce demand on the system.)

BOEC liaison manager Laura Wolfe says it’s important to screen cellphone calls so as not to overwhelm operators. RACHEL MONAHAN.

✖ BEND

M ED FOR D

“While the investigation confirmed that many people were unhappy and confused by the calls, there was no direct evidence that the calls contained deliberately false information that affected a person’s voting behavior.” —Atkins on Dec. 20, after investigations by the Secretary of State’s Office, the Oregon Department of Justice, and the FBI found nothing.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

7

VOTEFORDANCING.COM

THURSDAY MARCH 9 STAR THEATER

DOORS 8PM SHOW 9PM 21+

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 21,2016 wweek.com

HENRY CROMETT

Silent Night

HENRY CROMETT

NEWS

PORTLAND OFFICIALS ARE TRYING TO PLACE A MUSIC CURFEW ON ONE OF THE CITY’S LAST JAZZ CLUBS.

BY RACHEL MONAHAN

rmonahan@wweek.com

City officials want to impose a 10 pm music curfew on one of Portland’s few remaining jazz clubs, despite not citing the club for a single noise violation in the past year.

The owner of Northeast Alberta Street nightclub Solae’s Lounge says the city’s Office of Neighborhood Involvement is unfairly targeting his club.

The claim by Solae’s owner Yosief Embaye is the latest in a pattern of accusations that the city bureau overseeing nightclubs and noise complaints racially discriminates against black-owned clubs.

“I’m not going to call it racist,” says Jo Ann Hardesty, president of the Portland branch of the NAACP, “but if it looks racist and acts racist, and the policy has supported racial outcomes, then I think it should be looked at very, very closely.”

At a city hearing scheduled for Dec. 22, ONI will seek to impose a 10 pm curfew for Solae’s live music. That’s an unusual restriction: Fewer than 10 percent of 3,400 restaurants and bars with a liquor license operate with a cityimposed curfew on their music or hours, according to data provided by the agency. None of them is a music venue.

And Solae’s, which opened less than two years ago, is the only bar this year that the city is bringing to an official administrative hearing as part of its effort to impose the curfew.

In fact, Solae’s sits just two blocks from the white-owned Alberta Street punk bar the Know, which WW called the city’s “premier bastion of noise.” The Know operated for 11 years without a curfew or any other noise enforcement, according to the Oregon Liquor Control Commission. (The Know closed in November after a rent increase. Its owner, Ryan Stowe, says the club voluntarily ended music at 11 pm for the past eight years.)

ONI officials say the city is taking the unusual step of forcing Solae’s to stop playing music at 10 pm because the club’s owner wouldn’t amicably respond to the complaints of neighbors. City code prohibits making noises that disturb residential neighborhoods after 10 pm.

“Our office is usually able to problem solve nuisance activity at the [early] stage of enforcement,” writes Theresa Marchetti, ONI’s livability programs manager, in an email. She declined to comment on the specifics of the case because of pending litigation.

The attempt to enforce strict rules on Solae’s is a notably aggressive move by a bureau already being criticized for how it treats the city’s handful of black-owned clubs.

It leaves ONI vulnerable to new allegations of racial bias, even as Mayor-elect Ted Wheeler must decide whether to leave the bureau under the leadership of City Commissioner Amanda Fritz. (The City Council doesn’t directly vote on ONI curfews, and appeals are heard in Multnomah County Circuit Court.)

SOUND CHECK: Solae’s Lounge would be Portland’s only live-music venue with a 10 pm curfew for music if the Office of Neighborhood Involvement prevails at a hearing this week.

Fritz defends the bureau’s record against charges of The two citations were among only 40 fines ONI imposed racial discrimination. last year for noise-related offenses—a category that covers “It’s an interesting question, given that the bureau has not just clubs but construction noise, Marchetti says. the only woman of color who’s a director,” says Fritz. She Solae’s was closed earlier this month because it failed to adds that the city also imposed multiple fines for noise promptly pay a fine to the OLCC for last year’s noise violaagainst a previous bar in the same building, the Nest, tions. It reopened Dec. 15. (The club has one other OLCC whose owner was white. “Apparently, the building itself violation for failing to ensure a barkeep was properly was just not capable of doing much structurally in the way licensed.) of muffling noise.”

Since last year, neighbors have continued to complain Wheeler’s spokesman, Michael Cox, says Wheeler is not to ONI about Solae’s music. The club sits at the edge of a ready to discuss bureau leadership. residential block—as do most Alberta Street bars.

The city currently faces two federal civil rights lawsuits Neighbors of the club say, if anything, the city has from former black-owned clubs that ONI and state officials moved too slowly to address their concerns. They say took action against.

Solae’s is unusually loud, and they associate the club with The Fontaine Bleau closed in 2013 after a shooting out- crime on their block. side the Northeast Broadway club. Its owner, Rodney DeW“It’s not a racial issue; it’s a crime issue,” says Iran Johnalt, filed a $3 million lawsuit against the OLCC son, 48, who is black and lives in the house and the city of Portland, alleging “a campaign he grew up in, a block away from the bar. intended to thwart black-owned clubs or clubs “I think if there were more bars that were that played hip-hop and catered to the black “IF IT LOOKS black-owned, [the city] would feel more community.” free to crack down on this one. This one is RACIST AND The Exotica International Club for Men a token.” closed in 2015 after the city tried to restrict its ACTS RACIST, But the city found no new violations in hours of operation after a man denied entry into 2016, and issued no fines.

AND THE the club shot three people in the parking lot.

The case file for this week’s hearing POLICY HAS Exotica’s owner, Donna Thames, filed suit in U.S. includes references to shootings in the District Court in August, alleging “unconscio- SUPPORTED Alberta neighborhood, including a Decemnable, illegal conduct creating insurmountable RACIAL ber 2015 shooting of a man who was on his obstacles to success of black club owners catering way to Solae’s but never entered. to black people and clubs offering entertainment OUTCOMES, ONI officials declined to explain what and playing music appealing to black people” THEN I THINK relevance the shootings have to the music (“Club Dread,” WW, Aug. 17, 2016). they’re seeking for the club.

IT SHOULD BE curfew Both cases remain open in federal court.

Embaye, 46, is an Eritrean immigrant LOOKED AT The attorney representing DeWalt and who moved to the Boise neighborhood Thames in their lawsuits says the Solae’s cur- VERY, VERY at age 10. He says since the city issued few fits a pattern. fines, he brought in noise consultants and “I understand that this is the only case the CLOSELY.” spent upward of $3,000 on soundproofing, Office of Neighborhood Involvement is taking including replacing the back door and covto a hearing all year—another black-owned ering a back window.

—Jo Ann Hardesty club,” says Tim Volpert. “It appears it’s virtuEmbaye says the last year has been an ally the same pattern by [ONI]. We intend to education in the difference between how prove in our case it’s racially motivated.” the city treats his bar and others.

Solae’s Lounge, which opened in March 2015 on the “I feel like it is a little bit racial,” he adds. “It seems like northeast corner of Northeast 18th Avenue and Alberta [the city] takes sides.”

Street, is one of very few jazz clubs still operating in PortHis attorney goes further. land. The most iconic, Jimmy Mak’s in the Pearl District, is “There’s a pattern here,” says lawyer Ashlee Albies, who hosting its final show Dec. 31. (See story on page 29.) is representing Solae’s at the hearing. “It appears to me it’s Shortly after opening, Solae’s was issued two noise fines racially motivated, because they’re targeting black-owned

by ONI, on June 30 and Nov. 23, 2015. clubs. Why else are they doing this?”

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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EREN AKSU KNOWS VIRTUAL REALITY

DO YOU KNOW EREN?

Eren Aksu

VR Film maker and entrepreneur

TECHFESTNW A GLOBAL TECH CONFERENCE ON THE UPPER LEFT COAST

techfestnw.com – PARTNERS –

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 21,2016 wweek.com

NEWS

History Erased

BY BE T H S LOV I C

bslovic@wweek.com

Last month, Portland Public Schools tentatively offered its general counsel job to a Florida lawyer who had pleaded no contest to violating public records law as the Polk County School Board’s attorney in 2009. The lawyer, Wes Bridges, withdrew from consideration after media reports highlighted the conviction.

That hiring flap—PPS had recently been slapped by the Multnomah County district attorney for its slow and improper responses to public records requests—raised questions about the ability of the state’s largest school district to properly conduct background checks.

Now, new information in an unrelated personnel case illustrates further blind spots at Portland Public Schools when it comes to vetting job candidates. It has to do with Richard Gilliam, a district administrator who was stripped of supervisory duties months ago after complaints from subordinates.

WW has now learned that Gilliam got his job despite having a 1998 misdemeanor conviction for patronizing a prostitute. That’s a criminal history that would disqualify him from holding a teaching job in the state of Oregon.

While Gilliam has been released from his supervisory duties for other reasons, he is currently employed by the district and collects a manager’s salary of $87,000 per year (“A Long Recess,” WW, Nov. 23, 2016).

District officials are unable to explain how he passed a background check.

“It didn’t pop up, and we’re trying to understand why,” says Courtney Westling, a spokeswoman for the district.

Portland Public Schools officials say Gilliam, who has been the district’s director of school and family partnerships since September 2014, passed a background check that included fingerprinting in the summer of 2013, when he was first hired at the district as a community outreach organizer in the Jefferson High School cluster.

I

PPS apparently didn’t find what a straightforward review of public records by WW found—that Gilliam pleaded no contest to the charge of “prostitution” on Jan. 30, 1998—15 years before he sought employment at PPS. A police report from December 1997, when Gilliam was 36, alleges he paid a woman $20 so he could film her performing oral sex on him in his maroon Dodge Shadow.

He had picked her up from a North Portland 7-Eleven.

In Oregon, a conviction for soliciting a prostitute automatically disqualifies a person from seeking a teacher’s

JULIA HUCHINSON

THE CRIMINAL HISTORY OF A PORTLAND SCHOOL ADMINISTRATOR RAISES NEW QUESTIONS ABOUT BACKGROUND CHECKS.

Last month, Gilliam told WW he disclosed the incident to PPS even though he believed it had been expunged. But he also relayed a version of what happened on Dec. 8, 1997, that is at odds with public records WW found.

Gilliam told WW he was visiting Portland from Chicago, where he lived at the time, when he drove past a woman on the street who appeared to have been beaten. He stopped to help her, he says, when suddenly a police officer pulled up and misconstrued the situation. “I was trying to be a good Samaritan,” he said in the November interview.

The official police report tells a different story.

According to the report, an officer was on patrol in North Portland around 2 am on Dec. 8, 1997, when he saw a vehicle parked in a location “known to me as a common location for acts of prostitution.” He shined his spotlight into the maroon Dodge Shadow and saw a woman “bring her head out of the driver’s lap.” When Gilliam exited the car at the officer’s request, his “pants were totally unzipped,” the report continues.

“MINE IS JUST ONE MORE EXAMPLE OF A BLACK MAN DISAPPOINTED BY THE JUSTICE SYSTEM AND FORCED TO MAKE DIFFICULT CHOICES WHEN WRONGFULLY ACCUSED.” —Richard Gilliam

license. A no-contest plea is the same as a conviction although the person making the plea doesn’t admit guilt. PPS administrators say central office staff and principals are subject to the same standards as teachers.

But PPS told WW that it can’t say whether it knew about Gilliam’s conviction—because the district destroyed the record of his background check.

Westling, the district’s spokeswoman, says it keeps records of background checks on employees in the district’s archives for only three years, in accordance with state retention rules, due to the high volume of records it processes.

“Gilliam began apologizing, saying that he was not going to insult my intelligence, saying that he had made a very bad decision, that he has never done anything like this before,” the officer wrote.

Gilliam was cited and released.

Gilliam maintains his innocence, saying he pleaded no contest on the advice of his attorney and because of “the reality that the word of a black man would not be taken over the word of a white police officer.”

He added: “Unfortunately mine is just one more example of a black man disappointed by the justice system and forced to make difficult choices when wrongfully accused of crimes in the context of a racially prejudiced institution.”

Gilliam is no longer a PPS supervisor, but that has nothing to do with this incident. Rather, it stemmed from a personnel investigation into Gilliam’s conduct toward employees, whom he had investigated. PPS declined to release those investigations or provide details.

Gilliam’s current attorney, Beth Creighton, has said her client planned to pursue a racial discrimination claim against the district.

Shandong www.shandongportland.com

Shandong www.shandongportland.com

#wweek Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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Love Endures Maloy's oers a fabulous selection of antique and estate jewelry and fine custom jewelry, as well as repair and restoration services.

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 21,2016 wweek.com

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1

BAGBY HOT SPRINGS

2

KNOT SPRINGS

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SPANISH COFFEE AT HUBER’S

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FIRE DRINK AT HALE PELE

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MASTER PO’S TEA

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HIGH TEA AT HEATHMAN HOTEL

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THE GROTTO

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SING WITH OK CHORALE

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Adventures

As a species, Portlanders tend to hibernate in the winter.

Not all of us—plenty of locals strap on their tire chains and roll out to leave the first tracks on Mount Hood. But in the cold, gray, damp months, it’s common to get the brushoff from friends content to take the Oregon Department of Transportation’s recent Twitter advice and just Netflix and chill.

If you play it right, winter can be magical in this part of the world.

Recent snow scares aside, the weather tends to be mild. Spots overrun with summer tourists are blissfully peaceful now, and so many of the best things to do in this city are best experienced with a chill in the air. Like shellfish—which is just now entering its peak season. And flaming cocktails, which give extra cheer under gray skies.

Winter’s also pretty here. Our native firs keep their healthy green hues, and if you drive a few minutes out to the mountain, there’s usually a fresh dusting of white powder.

So we decided to put together a bucket list of winter activities in and around Portland.

In a fast-growing city where 6 in 10 people weren’t born in Oregon, there is a stark divide in how local traditions are under-

stood by our readers. So we took a two-track approach, pairing items from both New and Old Portland, in the hope we’re always offering something new—or new to you.

If you’ve never taken a trip out to the hippie haven of Bagby Hot Springs to soak in the mineral-rich waters that bubble up there, now’s your moment. If you’ve wondered what goes on in that sleek new skyscraper at the east end of the Burnside Bridge, now’s the time to treat yourself to a dip in the heated mineral pools inside.

If you’ve never been to Dan & Louis, the downtown oyster bar that’s been shucking since before most of the oysters we eat now were introduced to our shores, it’s time to go. Or maybe it’s time to branch out and get varietals you’ve never seen before at a bougie grocery that also sells cocktails made with obscure vermouth.

It can be tempting to crawl into a warm little hole and barricade yourself in, we know, especially with everything going on in the world.

Come spring, you’ll be happier if you embark on some of the adventures that follow.

THOMAS TEAL

CHECK OFF AS YOU GO!

Epic Winter

TIMBERLINE LODGE

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SUTTLE LODGE

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LES SCHWAB INVITATIONAL

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UP PILOTS BASKETBALL

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OYSTERS AT FLYING FISH IN PROVIDORE

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OYSTERS AT DAN AND LOUIS

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HIPSTER SANTA

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SANTA AT MACY’S

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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YOUR WINTER BUCKET LIST

Mineralize

Yourself CHRISTINE DONG

NEW

SLIP OUT OF YOUR PENDLETON BATHROBE AND INTO A POOL WITH A VIEW It was your typical sharing-economy job.

Classic Portland story, new twist: Fat cats find a new way to make money off a luxury tower while the little people worry about rent. A whole floor at the big new black building on the east end of the Burnside Bridge is dedicated to short-term rentals—you can rent out the whole thing for up to $7,125 a night on Airbnb.

My reporting came with a perk—my editor wanted me to stay there for a night.

The thing about luxury tower stories is you’re never really out of the game. Do it once and you’re marked. They always come back at you for more.

“They’ve got a fancy new indoor mineral pool now, and we need you to go back for a dip,” my editor says. “Relax a bit. It’ll be nice.”

So I found myself texting some girlfriends and going for a soak at the brand-new Knot Springs. For $65, I was in a soft-gray metal tub looking out over the Willamette River at Big Pink and the Made in Oregon sign, with the deer

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

HIKE TO A STEAMY HIPPIE HAVEN As a Portlander, there are certain expectations. We’re supposed to be ruddy-cheeked, always willing to scale the crest through the pines. If you’re not really that sort of person—if you’re more at home navigating the wine list, if your parents took you to the theater instead of the woods— well, you fake it.

And so a long time ago, someone I used to know talked me into visiting the 103-yearold Bagby Hot Springs during February. I responded with a false familiarity with hiking and hot springs. Indeed, I may have presented myself as stoked.

To get to Bagby’s complex of communal and private baths, you have to hike for 1.4 miles from the parking lot off a U.S. Forest Service road in Mount Hood National Forest. My wheezing, molding, late-’90s Saturn Ion did fine on the snow, but things got more arduous when we started hiking. One-pointfour miles seems like forever in soaked denim and tennis shoes, with a creeping dread that your front is being exposed with every grimacing step.

The Collawash River roars alongside the trail. In the summer, you’ll see candy bar wrappers on the side of the trail, but in the winter it’s all white, gleaming where the sun peeks through.

After the longest 1.4 miles of my life, we arrive, heaving, at the complex of wooden baths and shacks serviced by the scalding water that bubbles up from the earth in this place.

Alcohol is forbidden at Bagby, but people still drink, of course, and a loud group of beer-drinking trekkers held court over the communal soaking tubs.

We got a private tub, a hollowed-out log in a private room. There is a level of intimacy implied in sharing one of these tubs. It’s not a great fit for a first or second or even third date.

wearing his silly red nose.

Thing is, I like real hot springs. The outdoor kind.

But the first time I came to Oregon it was for an Outward Bound trip to Mount Jefferson. It rained every day of the nearly three-week trip—unless it snowed. Did I mention it was July?

Urban and inside is just easier and cleaner.

There’s no rain inside Knot Springs unless you count the mist of the steam room.

These springs also offer a dry towel with a Pendleton-style print. There’s a Pendletonprint robe too, for venturing outdoors to the terrace garden.

Would-be hotel pool squatters, beware: The springs are through a locked glass door. Inside, verdant fake plants line the ceiling. It’s a pristine, spare concrete space, warmed, metaphorically speaking, by the tiny rounds of wood that line one wall. There’s also a gigan-

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OLD There I was, shivering, half-blue, trying to work up the mental jujitsu necessary to go get more freezing cold water to temper the scalding hot water coming out of the wooden slat as the pine tub filled up with steaming mineral water.

You aren’t special here—the gnarled layers of graffiti, epitaphs and epithets scrawled on every wood surface makes ready proof of that. Bagby belongs to no one and everyone, built by dead men from another century connected to you through an unbroken trekking chain going up and down the trail. Your private moments are never private, even when you’re the only person there.

The snow and ice crept into my sneakers as we hiked back down the hill, the chill lasting through the car ride back down the mountain.

We’d both visit the hot springs again, but never together.

That trip to Bagby made me ask and answer questions of myself: why I’d moved to Portland, and whether I was supposed to be here. Flannel doesn’t make you a trekker. You can try to wear this city like a mask, but the frozen water warping the bottom of your jeans tells a different story.

For Jack London types, you human mountain goats with gaiters and Buck knives, there will always be Bagby in the snow. I am in awe of your bravery and your wind-kissed lust for life. Hike on with clean lungs and a full heart—I’ll be here reading a magazine when you get back. JORDAN MICHELMAN.

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GO: Two and a half hours from Portland: From I-205, take Exit 12A to OR-212 E/OR-224 E toward Clackamas. Drive east on Highway 224 through Estacada. Just past the Ripplebrook Guard Station, the highway turns into Road 46. Follow this for 4 miles to the junction of Road 63, turn right and travel 4 miles to Road 70. Turn right and follow Road 70 for 6 miles to the Bagby Trailhead. The walk is 1.5 miles. $5 per person.

tic dead tree lying felled on the floor. It’s a bench or towel rack, depending on your needs. Floor-to-ceiling windows let in stunningly bright light.

Knot Springs soaking is a three-part process, beginning in the “tepidarium,” which hovers just below body temperature to relax muscle tension. Then, you move to the “caldarium,” a pool at 102 degrees that’s spiked with “pore-opening” minerals. Finally, there’s a cold plunge into icy water so cold I was looking for the icebergs. You rotate: hot and cold, hot and cold.

I only dipped into the cold once. Instead, I went outside to the terrace to cool down. The bright green chairs rocked gently. The traffic was loud, but the air was bracing. RACHEL MONAHAN. GO: Knot Springs, 33 NE 3rd Ave., knotsprings.com.

6 am-10 pm Monday-Friday, 8 am-10 pm SaturdaySunday. Reservations not yet required.

AUBREY GIGANDET

EMMA HUGHES

OLD

DRINK FIRE WARM YOURSELF WITH A SPANISH COFFEE AT HUBER’S Portland’s great love for Huber’s might be the result of autohypnosis.

The 130-year-old restaurant and bar, decorated with wooden panels and brass fans, is packed to the rafters even on a Tuesday, and not just for the openfaced turkey sandwiches. If you order a pair of Huber’s famous Spanish coffees, the bartender will choreograph your elegant glasses of 151 and Bols triple sec into a ritualistic fire dance every bit as impressive and intricate and culturally fraught as Scheherazade’s dance of the seven veils or the backup moves in Madonna’s Truth or Dare.

Portland’s oldest restaurant did not invent the Spanish coffee—in 1975, third-generation owner Jim Louie stole it from the Fernwood Inn in Milwaukie, who stole it from a bar in Mexico. But Louie invented the spectacle, and thus a Portland tradition so ingrained

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At Hale Pele, the women next to us were depressed.

“We’re here drinking eggnog,” she said, sadly, “and that guy’s drink is freaking on fire!”

Don’t be like those women.

At the 4-year-old thatched and tiki-pillared Northeast Broadway rum club, there is fake thunder and lightning that strikes once an hour. The lamps are shaped like pufferfish, and the “rain” comes out of hoses.

But at the nationally acclaimed bar that takes rum so seriously it helped reclaim the oncemaligned tiki cocktail for modern mixology, the fire is very, very real.

The drink that made the women so

unhappy was the Krakatoa—a mixture of elements every bit as volatile as those bakingsoda-and-vinegar volcanoes from grade school. It contains both caffeine and liquor, both fire and ice. It is a deeply boozy slushie of aged Jamaican rum, citrus, cinnamon and cold-brew coffee served with an impressively flaming bit of sugared citrus resting gracefully atop a mountain of crushed ice.

Somehow all this excess inspires moderation: Try to drink it too soon, and you might lose a bit of your eyebrows to the fire.

Drink too fast, and you get brain freeze. The reminders are needed: It goes down smooth and is intense with both uppers and down-

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people think the flaming cocktail began here.

At Huber’s, you pay $11 for a storied drink that comes with a show—the same price you’d pay for exotic liquors and housemade shrubs elsewhere.

As blue flames swirl in the bottom of each glass, rising to lick its lip, the vested bartender rotates the glasses around each other with a sort of belly dancer’s shimmy. It’s impossible to look away from the flame— pepped up by nutmeg and unaffected by the Kahlua and coffee poured from great heights. The coffee snakes its way into the glass from as high as three feet above its rim—never spilling even a drop, and never dousing the eternal flame—while the bartender turns, sways and swirls.

By the time the fresh-whipped cream finally blankets the fire, you already feel a little drunk. And that’s before tasting the smoothest, most satisfying Spanish coffee in town. MATTHEW KORFHAGE. GO: Huber’s, 411 SW 3rd Ave., 503-228-5686, hubers.com. 11:30 am-midnight MondayThursday, 11:30 am–1 am Friday, 11 am–1 am Saturday, 4-10 pm Sunday.

ers, the recipe for a Eurotrash night if left unchecked.

Also on fire at Hale Pele? A rendition of Don the Beachcomber’s classic citrus-andcinnamon Jet Pilot using a potent blend of aged rums. And if you’re feeling especially festive, the signature boozy volcano bowl is served in a special goblet whose center is made only for fire, which blasts a frightening 6 inches high.

Even on the coldest nights, the fire isn’t enough to warm you. But it will distract you until the firewater warms you from within.

MATTHEW KORFHAGE.

NEW DRINK FROM A TIKI TORCH AT HALE PELE

GO: Hale Pele, 2733 NE Broadway, 503-6628454, halepele.com. 4 pm–midnight SundayThursday, 4 pm-1 am Friday-Saturday.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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tea up Out in East Portland, in a bright-purple house, there is a temple of tea.

The priest of this temple is Master Po, né Paul Rosenberg, who’s been holding tea service here, behind the Leach Botanical Garden, for three years, and in Portland since 2008.

When we visit, he’s wearing dark, billowy linen pants and a dark Chinese-knot button-down shirt. He sits on a sheepskin rug surrounded by five students, who are seated cross-legged on pillows around a maplewood table.

We are here to be brought into the moment.

Obviously, this is not English high tea.

There’s no milk or honey in sight, let alone cucumber sandwiches with the crusts cut off. Despite the female Buddha on the wall, it’s also not a formal Japanese or Chinese tea ceremony.

Master Po believes formalities can create distractions.

Instead, before each of us, is a small clay cup lined with white porcelain on the inside—the better to see the color of the tea. The cup rests on a tiny copper tray, which, in turn, rests on a small bamboo mat.

Po places the dark, dry leaves of an aged, fermented Pu’er tea called Heart of Sky into a small earthen-colored teapot with a spout slightly larger than a pin prick that serves as a filter for the leaves.

Po pours the tea into a glass pitcher, which he holds up to the light of a candle at the center of the table to reveal a surprise: The brewed tea is the color of a ruby, a stunning deep red.

The tea leaves were aged 10 years, but Po says the brew contains an “older tree energy” from tea plants that are upward of 100 years old.

It’s “so stilling and opening,” says Po. It tastes earthy, like “forest floor,” Po says.

For a moment, we have arrived in the moment. RACHEL MONAHAN.

CO U R T E SY O F PAU L R O S E N B E R G

GET INTO THE MOMENT WITH THE TEA MONK

5

HENRY CROMETT

FIND OUT WHY RUSSIAN IS THE NEW ENGLISH

NEW

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GO: Reservations required. Find more info on the monk’s website, heavenstea.com.

Recently, my friend Sarah was singing the praises of Christmastime at the Heathman Hotel’s historic Tea Court Lounge as being one of the last slices of the soulful Old Portland that’s fast melting away.

Decorated with a towering Christmas tree and sparkling ornaments the size of beach balls, it “transports us back to a time when Donald Trump was just another bankrupt Jersey casino owner and FAO Schwarz was still open to induce awe with its outlandish toys,” Sarah says.

Things change, of course—and we can thank Russia.

In October, restaurateur Vitaly Paley took over the Heathman’s restaurant, which was rebranded as the fish-focused Headwaters. Paley, who has a James Beard Award and two WW Restaurant of the Year plaques won 20 years apart, also decided to redo the Heathman’s traditional English tea service.

Paley is originally from Belarus, and tapped centuries of Russian tea culture for a new and exotic experience.

The centerpiece of Russian tea service is the samovar, a fancy version of a tabletop lemonade dispenser. Drinkers use it to add hot water to a liquid concentrate of tea, making it as strong or as weak as individual tastes dictate. Here it’s playing a more English role, used to fill teapots with dried, loose tea. Instead of canapés with unidentified pâtés, there’s walnut-stuffed eggplant rolls, smoked fish on rye, and piroshky filled with local mushrooms.

“I think what we’re serving here is pretty authentic,” Paley says.

When the old Heathman revived its tea service in 1984, it cost $4.75, about $11 today. Paley’s take—which also features chocolatepeppermint Pu’er tea, a walnut cake with sour cream and, Russian cheesecake—is $38. For children, there’s a $16 option, which consists mostly of desserts, including shortbread with marshmallow and sesame candy.

“It’s different, and it requires a little bit of explanation,” Paley says.

“But for the most part, delicious food doesn’t require explanation.”

BETH SLOVIC.

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GO: Russian tea at the Heathman Hotel, 1001 SW Broadway, is served daily at 11 am, 1 pm and 3 pm until Jan. 1. Reservations required; call 503-790-7752.

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

YOUR WINTER BUCKET LIST AUBREY GIGANDET

OLD

HEAR CHRISTMAS STANDARDS AT THE GROTTO On the one hand, giving money to the Catholic church probably isn’t the best idea.

On the other hand…pretty lights!

Every year, the National Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother—an outdoor shrine and botanical garden otherwise known as the Grotto—gets lit up like Clark Griswold’s house, transforming its quaint, wooded pathways into glowing psychedelic forests.

Religiosity aside, it’s quite the charming scene—a traditional, wholesome activity that’s probably improved by being at least a little high.

In addition to all the lights, there’s a Nativity scene set at the base of a 110-foot cliff, a pettable camel, food vendors and, in the chapel, local choirs. During the Festival of Lights, five groups primarily of the high school variety perform each day on the hour.

It’s mostly traditional Christmas tunes, but you always forget how much “Silent Night” can get you misty until you hear it sung by a squad of precocious teens.

And if you’re lucky, you might even hear one of them bust out one of the hip tunes the cool youth minister plays on bus rides—like, say, an old Fleet Foxes song.

MATTHEW SINGER.

hear voices

GO: The Christmas Festival of Lights is at the Grotto, 8501 NE Skidmore St. 5-9:30 pm nightly, through Dec. 30. Closed Christmas Day. $11. All ages.

JULIAN ALEXANDER

NEW

SING POP SONGS WITH THE OK CHORALE It’s not your grandmother’s choir group!

No, really, that’s the whole point. When Kate Sokoloff founded the OK Chorale earlier this year, the notion was to democratize the concept of the local community choir, and doing so meant opening up the songbook beyond stodgy standards.

“I grew up singing in choruses, and my dad was a minister, so I sang in the choir,” says Sokoloff, who also produced the radio variety show Live Wire. “But I don’t want to sing that kind of music. I wanted to sing Beyoncé.”

Inspired by a video of 500 mourning David Bowie fans in Toronto singing “Space Oddity,” Sokoloff finally decided to start a drop-in choir, recruiting music director Ben Landsverk for their own Bowie tribute. They held open rehearsals at Marthas, the bar downstairs at Revolution Hall, and ended up attracting 60 people. Now, the OK Chorale meets every other Monday in Revolution Hall’s Assembly Lounge, singing everything from Adele to R.E.M. to, yes, Beyoncé.

And on Dec. 22, the group throws its first special Christmastime concert, called Cheer the Fuck Up, featuring a slate of vaguely “holiday-adjacent” songs like “God Only Knows” and “(What’s So Funny ’Bout) Peace, Love and Understanding” and modern Yuletide classics like the Pogues’ “Fairytale of New York.” Sokoloff promises there won’t be “anyone onstage in robes.” Like their regular meet-ups, the singers will be whoever happens to be in the room.

AUBREY GIGANDET

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“What’s really struck me was how many people were moved because they didn’t know they could sing,” Sokoloff says. “They had been told, like a lot of us, ‘Don’t sing so loud’ in second grade, or ‘You can’t sing on key,’ and they were sort of traumatized and just assumed they could never sing. But if you’re

surrounded by people who can sing more or less OK, you sound good.” MATTHEW SINGER. GO: The OK Chorale presents Cheer the Fuck Up at Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., on Thursday, Dec. 22. 7:30 pm. $18 advance, $20 day of show. 21+.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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When you’re an icon, amenities are negotiable.

Timberline Lodge is definitely an icon—the richly appointed ski lodge is the most famous building in the state, and probably would be even if Stanley Kubrick never made The Shining.

Perched just below the glaciers that provide the nation’s only late-summer skiing, it’s a 40,000-square-foot curio cabinet filled with tiny pieces from the artists and artisans towed up this mountain for steady work during the Great Depression.

We’re still between Depressions, so you plunk down $250 for a small wood-paneled room and plunk yourself in front of the stone fireplaces that feed the massive chimney that climbs nearly 100 feet. Look in any direction, and you’re in an adjunct art museum with a huge collection of works by C.S. Price, who the state historical society has said “may be Oregon’s most important

OLD

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GO: Timberline Lodge, 27500 W Leg Road, Timberline Lodge, Ore., 503-272-3311, timberlinelodge.com.

lodge yourself somewhere pretty FIND NEW PORTLAND IN THE WOODS AT SUTTLE LODGE Old-timers tell me there were always “cool” places to stay in the wilder areas of the Pacific Northwest.

I never found that, exactly. Outside of a handful of spots like the Commodore Hotel in Astoria and the Sou’Wester Lodge in Seaview, Wash., once you leave the city it’s hard to find a spot spinning vinyl in the lobby and serving decent coffee and cocktails.

And if you’re out in the Cascades?

Forget about it—it’s all divey motels

and golf resorts.

Thankfully, the people behind Ace Hotel Portland have finally given New Portland its first suitable base camp—in the mountains near Bend.

The hotel chain operates little Stumptown-brewing embassies of hipster bougieness in places like London’s Shoredi t c h d i st r i c t , d ow n t ow n L.A. and Seattle’s Belltown neighborhood. Now, it’s gone woodsy, taking over a dilapidated lakeside lodge just west of Sisters in the Deschutes National Forest.

Rather than turning the Suttle Lodge & Boathouse into another Ace, they’ve left it remarkably lodgelike,

IAN SMYTHE

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

an egalitarian and functional setup that requires staffers to pitch in everywhere.

Bartender-about-town Eric Nelson will make a standout Negroni in the evening, then get the fire roaring in the morning.

Everyone is welcome to toss a record on the custom-built stereo cabinet, one of those ’60s vintage furniture pieces that’s been gutted and retrofitted with new speakers that sound great. The continental breakfast comes with top-shelf fancy granola and a wonderful selection of cheese and charcuterie. For dinner, there are celery root salads, salmon melts and upscale cracker-crust pizzas—think fancy Totino’s—topped with ingredients like delicata squash and Mama Lil’s peppers.

The rooms are spacious and appointed with nice beds with Pendleton blankets, and super-comfy, custom-sewn beanbag chairs.

In the summer and fall, when we visited, canoes and paddleboats are available to take out on the 21-square-mile lake, and there’s a boathouse bar where you can play ladderball and cornhole. This time of year, it’s all about snowshoeing around the lake and getting cuddly by the fire.

There’s no cell service, and the Wi-Fi sucks—so you know you’re roughing it.

MARTIN CIZMAR. GO: Suttle Lodge & Boathouse, 13300 U.S. Highway 20, Sisters, 541-638-7001, thesuttlelodge.com.

MACKENZY JOHNSON

SLEEP AT THE TIPPY TOP OF OREGON AT TIMBERLINE LODGE

and influential painter.” There’s also a watercolor and several statues by late, great local Tom Hardy, who made the bronze eagle seal on the Franklin Delano Roosevelt Memorial. It’s all interspersed with functional folk art, like the hand-carved stair rails emblazoned with animal forms. Soak it in at the heated outdoor pool with some hot cocoa or a $60 bottle of Argyle brut.

As ski lodges go, our experience was a little, uh, rustic. The steam-heat system, original to the vintage lodge, broke down in our room, causing much folly. The food is fine for German tourists, but not the Swiss. A random fire alarm went off just after breakfast—not trivial when you’re in an old wooden building with fireplaces and it’s 10 degrees outside.

An Old Fashioned made with Pendleton was watery and larded up with candied orange.

The aggressively casual front desk sent me sliding down to the day lodge for another lift-ticket wicket because “they only give me so many.”

But you should, at least once, wake up at 6,000 feet and look through the frosted panes inside the walls of the state’s most impressive building.

MARTIN CIZMAR.

CATCH A WORLD-CLASS BASKETBALL SHOWCASE PUT ON

BY AN OREGON TIRE STORE

It costs huge bucks to see NBA stars like Kevin Durant and Carmelo Anthony during their infrequent visits to Moda Center. But you could have seen them play multiple games when they were in high school for the price of a decent burger.

For the past 20 years, the Les Schwab Invitational has brought elite high school teams from across the nation together with the best in Oregon for a four-day tournament. Durant and Anthony are just two of the dozens of NBA players who burnished their reputations in the tournament.

The basketball is amazing, and super-cheap: Tickets for a morning session start at $8. Every year, future NBA lottery picks compete in the

FAC E B O O K

hoop it up tournament in the gleaming gym at Hillsboro’s Liberty High School. Scores of college coaches and traveling hoops junkies show up to watch extraordinarily competitive play between some of the nation’s top-ranked teams.

This year, the out-of-towners include Gonzaga High from Washington, D.C., and Sierra Canyon High from Chatsworth, Calif. The Sierra Canyon Trailblazers feature power forward Marvin Bagley III, the top-ranked junior in the country.

A special bonus for Blazers fans: Brandon Roy, the three-time NBA All-Star whose knee problems limited him to just five NBA seasons, is now the head coach at Nathan Hale High in Seattle and will bring his team for its first Les Schwab appearance. NIGEL JAQUISS.

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GO: The Les Schwab Invitational is at Liberty High School, 21945 NW Wagon Way, Hillsboro, lesschwabinvitational.com, on Dec. 27-30. $8-$16, $70 for tournament pass.

Former Les Schwab Invitational participant Markelle Fultz, playing for DeMatha Catholic High School of Hyattsville, MD., is now a star for the Washington Huskies.

P O R T L A N D AT H L E T I C S

WATCH A FAMILIAR FACE HELP TURN THE PORTLAND PILOTS INTO CONTENDERS

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In his 17-year NBA career, former Blazers guard Terry Porter earned a reputation as a smart, hard-nosed player who outworked more-talented opponents. For hoops fans, Porter’s hiring in April as the head coach of the University of Portland men’s basketball team was great news.

Porter served as head coach of the Milwaukee Bucks and Phoenix Suns after his playing days.

Phoenix fired him in 2009, and he clearly got tired of being an itinerant NBA assistant.

Under Porter, UP seemingly has the ability to become a contender. Tucked away on the bluff in North Portland, the Pilots’ gym, the Chiles Center, is a 4,852seat jewel box where you can regularly see future NBA players.

The Pilots play in the West Coast Conference, anchored by perennial powerhouse Gonzaga, which somehow man-

D E A D L I N E S What you must do now or never.

DEC. 26: Last day to see Michael Allen Harrison’s Christmas concert Michael Allen Harrison is our local John Tesh, and his annual run of holiday shows is a tradition that’s just as Old Portland as Elliott Smith and Satyricon.

The Old Church, 1422 SW 11th Ave., 503-222-2031. 5 and 8 pm. $22.50-$49.50. All ages.

DEC. 26: Last performance of The Nutcracker Every year, the children of local rich families show up on a ballet stage next to some of Portland’s finest dancers. Here’s your last chance to see them. Keller

Auditorium, 222 SW Clay St., 503-248-4335. 2 and 7:30 pm. $34-$105.

DEC. 28: Last ride of the Polar Express The last ride on the Christmas train to Hood River and back departs for the final time today. After that, find your hot cocoa on happy elves elsewhere. Mthoodrr.com. $41-$61.

DEC. 30: The Grotto takes its lights down After tonight, the lights get unplugged, and the National Sanctuary of Our Sorrowful Mother goes back to being a plain old outdoor Catholic

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ages to recruit national-caliber players to the tundra of Eastern Washington.

Porter should be able to compete for upper-level high school players, especially in the prep hotbeds of Seattle and Portland. The WCC is not the Pac-12, but in recent years it launched the careers of Patty Mills (St. Mary’s, San Antonio Spurs), Matthew Dellavedova (St. Mary’s, Milwaukee Bucks), and Domantas Sabonis (Gonzaga, Oklahoma City Thunder). Porter is just getting started, but UP (5-3) is off to a solid start.

Pilots fans will fill the gym for what is always the hottest ticket of the season, the Jan. 7 faceoff against Gonzaga (11-0), ranked No. 7 in the nation. That game is sold out, but tickets are available for games throughout January and February, when you can see the state’s top college scorer, Pilots senior guard Alec Wintering, who is averaging 22.3 points a game. NIGEL JAQUISS.

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shrine and botanical garden.

The Grotto, 8840 NE Skidmore St., 503-254-7371. 5-9:30 pm. $11.

DEC. 31: The last show ever at Jimmy Mak’s There are rumblings the Portland jazz mecca may still see a rebirth in the coming months, but for now, the final scheduled show at the iconic Pearl District club is a New Year’s Eve concert with R&B orchestra Soul Vaccination. Jimmy Mak’s, 221 NW 10th Ave., 503295-6542. 7:30 pm (all ages) and 10 pm (21+). Sold out.

DEC. 31: Peacock Lane Still not beginning to see the lights? The houses go dark after New Year’s Eve, at which point the residents of Peacock Lane become regular, every-

day NIMBYs, indistinguishable from everyone else in the Stop Demolishing Portland group.

Between Southeast Stark and Belmont streets, one block east of Southeast César E. Chávez Boulevard.

DEC. 31: Tony’s Tavern True Christmas spirit isn’t found at H&M. It’s at tinsel-free Tony’s, which holds funerals for 20-year regulars and keeps its beer cheap for the guys on fixed incomes. Kiss it goodbye for us tonight. Tony’s Tavern, 1955 W Burnside St., 503-2288527.

JAN. 1: ZooLights Each year, The Oregonian fills with quotes from zoo officials who swear that a million and a half twinkling Christmas lights don’t keep the animals awake

GO: The University of Portland men’s basketball team plays at the Chiles Center, 5000 N Willamette Blvd., portlandpilots.com. Tickets for most games start at $12.

or make them too nervous.

Anyway, it’s pretty. Oregon Zoo, 4001 SW Canyon Road, oregonzoo.org. 5-9 pm. $14.95.

JAN. 1: Warhol show at PAM closes The largest Warhol exhibit ever is in Portland, which is pretty dope. There’s more than just Marilyn and soup, like Mick Jagger and buttholes!

Portland Art Museum, 1219 SW Park Ave., 503-226-2811, portlandartmuseum.org. $19.99 for non-members.

JAN. 3: The Pioneer Courthouse Square tree This year, the Christmas tree saw more protests than it usually does. Around the holidays, these will most likely disappear, but local choirs won’t. Bundle up, grab some

Starbucks and spend time staring up at the biggest Christmas tree in the city’s biggest living room. Pioneer Courthouse Square, 701 SW 6th Ave., 503-223-1613.

JAN. 8: Last Imago Theatre show The building Imago Theatre has occupied for 20-plus years is for sale. The final showing of La Belle, an elaborately staged steampunk retelling of Beauty and the Beast, is the last show at the venue. Imago Theatre, 17 SE 8th Ave., imagotheatre. com. Noon and 3:30 pm. $24.50-$42.50.

JAN. 20: Inauguration Day, or the End of America If you have any business to conduct in America, get it done before this day.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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The Flying Fish oyster counter inside Northeast Sandy Boulevard’s Providore Fine Foods throws together so many New Portland food obsessions you can’t keep them straight.

Direct farm sourcing and relationships with the oyster farmers?

Check. Self-serve bone broth? A roasted whole chicken out of a side window? Double check. Is the original cartturned-shack location being pushed out by mixed-use apartment developers? Yes, it is. Is it now inside an boutique grocery with beer taps? Does it sport one of the city’s best selections of vermouth? Are chocolate bars $15? Can you pull a Bonal and soda from the wine racks and take the rest of the bottle home? Yup. Olympia Oyster Bar, Jacqueline and Little Bird all have great bivalve happy hours. But there’s nowhere I trust more than this little counter in the back of Providore. Nobody’s closer to the farmers, and no place goes so far out of its way to find local varietals that even a dedicated oyster junkie hasn’t seen in Portland before.

Here at Flying Fish, I have had sea cows and blue pools and torques so impossibly large and sumptuous they’re less aphrodisiac than the feeling of love itself, a genuine reason to look forward to winter. It’s the only true luxury I allow myself with such regularity, and with so few regrets. MATTHEW KORFHAGE.

HENRY CROMETT

PAIR FISH-MARKET OYSTERS WITH FANCY HOOCH

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E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E

GO: Flying Fish at Providore Fine Foods, 2340 NE Sandy Blvd., 971806-6747, flyingfishoysterbar.com. Noon-8 pm daily. 50 cents off oysters during happy hour, 3-5 pm Monday-Friday.

shell out DOWN HAPPY-HOUR OYSTERS IN A CENTURY-OLD SPOT The oyster beds off the Oregon Coast are some of the most hallowed in the world. Mostly, however, the oysters grown here are the nonnative Pacific variety brought over from Japan almost a century ago.

In Portland, there’s one oyster bar that’s been around since the days when all we had were native Olympias.

Dan & Louis Oyster Bar was founded in 1907 by the Wachsmuth family, who still run it today. Going there in the cool winter months, when oysters are best, is probably Portland’s oldest surviving culinary tradition.

The little bar a block south of West Burnside Street is a labyrinthine maze of tight corners and unexpected hallways. Go during happy hour, where bartender Holly Costa has become a Portland tradition in her own right, presiding there for 18 years. Her daughter, Ashley, has been there for seven.

A dozen is $24 during happy hour, offering the full sampler of five or six varietals that might also include transplanted East Coast virginicas. You might lose out on popular Hama Hamas or sea cows if you get there too late on a Monday or Tuesday, when happy hour runs till the bar closes.

Dan & Louis is one of the only oyster bar so old school it still serves cocktail sauce with its oysters, alongside horsey sauce and a rose mignonette so fine the onions appear to be dust. Don’t use them.

Sauce your oysters with the brine from the oysters themselves. The bar takes oyster delivery Tuesday to Friday, making Tuesday a very fine day to get a fresh dozen from either the fifth generation of the Wachsmuths or the second of the Costas. MATTHEW KORFHAGE.

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GO: Dan & Louis Oyster Bar, 208 SW Ankeny St., 503-227-5906, danandlouis.com. 11 am-9 pm Monday-Thursday, 11 am-10 pm Saturday, noon-9 pm Sunday. Happy hour all day Monday and Tuesday, 4-6 pm Wednesday-Friday.

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YOUR WINTER BUCKET LIST

see santa SIT ON HIPSTER SANTA’S LAP No tradition in Portland—holiday or otherwise—is immune to the Portlandia effect.

Exhibit 1,347: The scene inside Pioneer Place mall in the courtyard next to H&M each Thursday starting at noon.

There, parents tired of boring old Santas who can’t tell Weezer from Lil Weezy are treated to a Father Christmas much more to their tastes— Hipster Santa.

On a recent Thursday, when snow blanketed the city and only a few shoppers milled about, a plump older gentleman with a frosty white beard and matching hair pulled into a man bun held court on an oversized chair upholstered in fabric patterned after the carpet at PDX. He wore black-rimmed glasses and a Big Lebowski sweater.

His forearm tats were barely visible beneath the sleeves. One arm says “Naughty.” One says “Nice.” On request, he’ll show off his ink in pictures.

“Hipster Santa! Hipster Santa!” my 4-year-old daughter chanted as she raced to the front of the line in her ’80s retro-vintage (OK, fine, hand-me-down) Christmas dress.

Rather than chuckle with a belly like a bowlful of artisanal quince preserves, Hipster Santa merely waved in slow motion as she approached. His Miles Davis cool didn’t put off my 4-year-old, however. He was as good as any other option, as far as she could tell. “ What would you like Santa to bring you for Christmas?” he asked as she plopped down smiling next to him, preserving at least this one part of the sit-on-a-stranger’s-lap-at-themall tradition.

On top of Hipster Santa’s chair, with the PDX carpet upholstery, perched a little brown sparrow. For adult onlookers, it called to mind another ironic character with tufts of white hair and bags of undelivered gifts—Bernie Sanders. BETH SLOVIC.

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GO: Hipster Santa is at Pioneer Place, 700 SW 5th Ave., on Thursdays starting at noon.

TAKE ONE LAST RIDE AT SANTALAND I have vivid memories of the monorail at Meier & Frank’s Santaland—big, silver, rickety and beautiful.

I first saw that monorail in 1993 when I was 2 years old, back when our city’s Santaland was a funky cavern of wonderment on the 10th floor of the Meier & Frank building. In those days, it was in a vast, dim room, and Santa held court from a throne above Pioneer Courthouse Square. I remember sitting on his lap, and asking him for an Arthur the Aardvark toy.

But, for me, Santa was a sideshow. The real attraction was always Santaland’s Louden SuperTrack monorail, a kid-sized train that dangled from a track on the ceiling. I was obsessed with trains and I found it exhilarating to climb the stairs to trundle around the room, looking down on Santaland from on high.

Unfortunately, in grade school, I grew too tall to ride. When I realized the train had a height limit, I was incensed. Briefly, I remember trying to scheme a way to some-

how hoodwink Santa’s goons into allowing me on.

Soon after that, Meier & Frank was rebranded by Macy’s. Santaland was downsized, given gaudy lighting and moved to the basement. The kid-sized monorail was retired and replaced by a tiny, unrideable toy version.

In November, Macy’s announced it was selling its downtown Portland location. With the store slated to close in spring 2017, this is probably your last chance to stop by Santaland.

So I went for one final visit. And I noticed something—the original monorail, displayed in the basement just around the corner from where kids sit on Santa’s lap. It looked basically the same, although some of the doors had been removed. There were no elves to stop me from cramming myself aboard.

Sitting on that train one last time should have been bittersweet, but for me it was just sweet. At age 25, I got to catch the next best thing to one last ride.

BENNETT CAMPBELL FERGUSON.

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GO: Santaland is at Macy’s, 621 SW 5th Ave., through Dec. 24.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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Stree t

“I thought wearing Timbs would give me more grip, but I literally have just been ice skating my way through the snow.”

Do you like the snow?

“I’m ambivalent. It’s fun the first day, but then it’s just a hassle.”

Do you like the snow? “Portland feels a little more magical under a layer of snow.”

SNOW DAY OUR FAVORITE LOOKS THIS WEEK. PHOTOS BY B R IDGET B A KER , HEN RY CR OMETT, V. KA POOR A N D JOE R IEDL

What are you doing? “We’re buying salt for the sidewalk in front of Beech Street Parlor.”

What was your closest call of Snowpocalypse 2016? “Yeah, OK, I slipped down my stairs.”

“I haven’t slipped once.”

Do you like the snow? “I love the snow. It makes everything quiet, and all you can hear is the crunch it makes under your boots.”

What was your closest call of Snowpocalypse 2016? Him: “I don’t slip or fall. I walk with confidence, like this” (marches). Her: “It’s true, he doesn’t fall.”

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

Do you like the snow?

“I’m from Minnesota, so I love the snow.”

What was your closest call during Snowpocalypse 2016? “I tried a U-turn on 82nd, and I was like, ‘Eeeeeeeee.’ So I just left my car on 82nd and Prescott. I’ll leave it there until spring.”

What are you doing? “We’re visiting from Berlin.

We’ve been slipping around all day! We’re out shopping for vintage secondhand clothes.”

PHOTO CREDIT

The Bump

oh, no! oh, yes!

OUR LEAST-FAVORITE HOLIDAY POP SONGS. PLUS THE GOOD ONES.

Band Aid, “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”

Not everyone can be Mariah Carey.

For every amazing pop Christmas album—a timeless album that worms its way into millions of holiday memories—there are many, many terrible ones, which maybe shake loose a few December dollars before becoming embarrassments to their creators.

In honor of local songwriter Ed Haynes’ Crappy Jingles Christmas show at Mississippi Studios, we’ve compiled a list of our most-hated holiday songs. And because nobody wants to be Scroogey this time of year, we have suggestions for good songs in a similar style.

Lady Gaga, “Christmas Tree”

I’m a longtime Lady Gaga apologist. But there’s simply no defense of this 2008 track, a tortured metaphor in which Ms. Gaga plays a sexualized tree being humped by an unnamed dendrophiliac (“Light me up, put me on top, let’s fa-la-la-la/Oh, ho, a Christmas/My Christmas tree is delicious”) to random bells, a misfiring synthesizer and the merciless clomp of an 808.

INSTEAD: The Waitresses, “Christmas Wrapping” and The Pretenders, “2,000 Miles” My hometown of Akron, Ohio, has given us not only the greatest basketball player of all time but these two New Wave gems, both of which rank among the top-five Christmas pop songs ever. MARTIN CIZMAR.

NewSong, “The Christmas Shoes”

How bad is this song? Well, it was the basis for a Lifetime movie starring Rob Lowe. In the song, a man sees a child telling a cashier that he would like to purchase shoes for his dying mom: “Could you hurry, sir?/Daddy says there’s not much time/I want her to look beautiful/If Momma meets Jesus tonight.” The man gives the kid money for the shoes and learns the true meaning of Christmas. The whole thing is a maudlin, self-indulgent mess in which the lead singer in the music video closes his eyes, rocks his head and takes a breath before nearly every note. It’s awful. Then it gets worse. A chorus of children’s voices starts singing as the whole shitshow crescendos into a mediocre youth-group performance while one off-pitch, little-boy voice stands out among them, ending the song.

INSTEAD: “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” by the Jackson 5 Mommy is alive and making out with a heavyset bearded man, and the only kid singing is Michael Jackson, who wouldn’t have his own issues for another two decades.

SOPHIA JUNE.

Bruce Springsteen, “Santa Claus Is Comin’ to Town”

Sure, you could make a case that the Boss’s growlingly gastrointestinal delivery—in which every “Santa” seems

forcefully squeezed past a painful hemorrhoid–magically re-creates the Christmas miracle of fat St. Nick going down a chimney. But I call toxic bullshit. If there’s one principle guiding every Bruce Springsteen song I’ve ever loved, it’s that Santa Claus ain’t never fuckin’ comin’.

Bruce’s jazz-handsy telethon enthusiasm not only makes all showmanship seem like condescension, it makes all heart seem like a lie.

INSTEAD: Big Star, “Jesus Christ” This is not a substitute but an antidote: despair disguised as hope that makes hope seem possible in a year when everyone’s in despair. When Alex Chilton sings, “And the wrong shall fail/And the right prevail,” you feel it in your breaking heart that this is a miracle he doesn’t expect anytime soon. MATTHEW KORFHAGE.

She & Him, “The Christmas Song”

“The Christmas Song” has become clichéd and tired, and it never sounded wearier than it does coming out of the mouth of Zooey Deschanel, who informs us that Santa’s on his way with all the enthusiasm of a 12th-grader gearing up for the SAT. Do yourself a favor and don’t play this for any actual tiny tots: It’ll make them lose consciousness before those chestnuts start roasting.

INSTEAD: She & Him, “I’ll Be Home for Christmas” This is just about the most cloyingly depressing holiday tune ever written. Yet by picking up the pace and combining the wistful lyrics with her buttery vocals, Deschanel remakes the song as something energetic and soulful. And she manages to sing, “I’ll be home for Christmas/ If only in my dreams,” without sounding too gloomy. BENNETT CAMPBELL FERGUSON.

From what us millennials know about the 1980s, it was a decade free of irony, a time when comedy consisted of people getting hit in the balls and making their eyes cross, or a cocaine addict screaming frothy-mouthed into a microphone about how women are soul-sucking demons. Which makes “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”—a song organized by the arch-earnest Bob Geldof and Bono, in which two large handfuls of feather-haired pop stars plaintively ask whether the people of Ethiopia, one of the oldest Christian nations on earth, know it is Christmastime—a pretty good idea then, and a pretty bad one now.

INSTEAD: Wham!, “Last Christmas” Is this what authentic emotion feels like? Do feelings even exist in the age of memes? I don’t know; my capacity for human interaction has been destroyed by the internet. But this song is a snapshot of the kind of earnestness I crave: a gorgeous, stripped-down synth-pop classic that would pass at any time of year, overlaid with George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley’s wistful tales of winter lovers past.

MATTHEW SINGER.

Paul McCartney, “Wonderful Christmastime”

Y’know when one of your older relatives visits for the holidays and gives the youngest kid in the house a toy that makes some obnoxious noise, and no one can take it away from him because he’ll throw a fit? That must have been how the McCartney family felt when Sir Paul unwrapped Daddy’s First Synthesizer—a gift from fucking Ringo, probably—and immediately poked out the chintzy-ass chords that would end up permanently infecting every mall, grocery store and, if you’re me, the Target Christmas CD your mom bought in the mid-’90s and still plays all season long. The song has its apologists, but the only reason anyone feels the need to apologize is because it’s by one of the world’s greatest songwriters and not, like, a self-recorded novelty single from some earnest dad in suburban Minnesota that gets shared every year as an ironic meme, which is the fate it truly deserves.

INSTEAD: The Darkness, “ChristINSTEAD mas Time (Don’t Let the Bells End)” It’s got a ripping lead riff, a children’s choir, a video featuring the band dressed in yuletide spandex shredding in the snow, and a British dick joke in the title. Clearly, the Darkness is better than the Beatles. Don’t @ me. MATTHEW SINGER. SEE IT: The Ed Haynes Show: A Crappy Jingles Christmas is at Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., on Friday, Dec. 23. 8 pm. $15. All ages.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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SMASH TRUMP: A Portland woman quit her job after attending a company holiday party where she says employees “lynched” a Donald Trump piñata. Sarah Mykkanen told WW that the party for employees of Roscoe’s, Stein Haus, and Miyamoto Sushi was a “usual holiday party” until employees of the three Montavilla spots with overlapping ownership began “lynching” and striking an effigy of Trump. “The room filled with my white co-workers became a lynch mob when they started chanting ‘lynch him!’” she wrote. “Standing in that crowd was one of the most terrifying moments of my life.” Roscoe’s owner Jeremy Lewis says the piñata did not have a noose, just a rope holding it up. “I understand it had an effect on her, and I don’t want to diminish that, but at the same time, it was a piñata, and you hit it,” Lewis says.

M AT T H E W DA N N U N Z I O

GREEK LIFE: Old Town’s 36-year-old Alexis Greek restaurant, which closed last month after its owner and general manager retired, will soon become a two-story nightclub called Nyx, named for the Greek goddess of the night. The name is a tribute to the long tenure of Alexis at the West Burnside Street location, and the new bar will have Greek food and Alexis-branded matchbooks. On opening night, New Year’s Eve, Nyx plans to play host to vintage L.A. alt-hip-hop crew The Pharcyde, making a rare small-venue appearance. But the nightclub’s main focus will be as a DJ spot, with local and touring DJs. TONY: After 21 years in business, Tony’s Tavern will be no more. New Year’s Eve will be the last night of business for the West Burnside Street deep dive.

Bar staff tells WW that the landlord has not renewed Tony’s month-to-month lease and has ceased answering its phone calls.

Other than Yamhill Pub and Joe’s Cellar, the westside seems to be losing its epic lowdown dives. “Whenever I come to a new town, I always go to dive bars because that’s the best way to find out what’s going on,” a Tony’s bartender told us. “It’s where people are friendly. Some of our customers are assholes, but they’re friendly.”

LAURELTHIRSTY: Folk and roots haven the Laurelthirst Public House was slated for demolition this year after its owners decided to retire—but you never heard about it. That’s because Portland musician Lewi Longmire and members of the Laurelthirst staff have stepped in to buy the 28-year-old pub. “Mostly it’s just putting our bodies in front of the bulldozer,” says Longmire, who estimates he’s played 1,000 shows at the Northeast Portland venue. “In a year Trump is elected, Jimmy Mak’s is gone, and they demolished the Lotus and Veritable Quandary, this would have been the death knell of everything I loved in Portland.”

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 21

Earthquake Hurricane 100

A Good Cheer Holiday Party

Earthquake Hurricane has become Portland’s premier weekly comedy night, and continues for the 100th damn time. Current hosts Katie Nguyen, Alex Falcone, Bri Pruett and Anthony Lopez always bring it, and expect top-shelf guests for this milestone. The Liquor Store, 3341 SE Belmont St., earthquakehurricane.com. 7 pm.

Whoever said rock ’n’ roll is dead never perused the catalog of Good Cheer Records, the local label run by WW contributor Blake Hickman. Specializing in DIY punk, power pop and emo, it's singlehandedly keeping the local all-ages scene vital. Rescheduled because of Snowpocalypse, tonight’s showcase features some of the best acts on its roster, including Turtlenecked and ex-Shaky Hand Mayhaw Hoons. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 503-239-7639. 7 pm. $7 advance, $10 day of show. All ages.

TURTLENECKED

THURSDAY, DEC. 22

Cheer the Fuck Up: An OK Chorale Pop Songs Sing-Along

The Big Lebowski on 35 mm

You know, it’s just, like, our opinion, man, that the Coen brothers’ 1998 cult classic The Big Lebowski should be watched by everyone at least once.

Luckily for you little-achievers, Clinton Street Theater is screening the flick that has inspired a thousand stoner cousins to buy a rug, on 35 mm for the entire week of Christmas. See page 39 for more.

Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton St., 503-238-5588. 7:30 pm, through Dec. 26. $8.

FRIDAY, DEC. 23

Trail Blazers vs. San Antonio Spurs

The Blazers are treading water in the Western Conference, while the Spurs remain unkillable cyborgs.

But if there’s any game Portland should get up for, it’s the holiday homecoming of our old pal LaMarcus.

Moda Center, 1 N Center Court St., 503-235-8771.

7 pm. $31-$116.

Like to sing, but aren’t what might be called “stage ready”? Instead of massacring “All I Want for Christmas Is You” at Alibi, consider hiding your pitchiness in a roomful of other happy amateurs with this drop-in choir.

Tonight’s special holiday show features vaguely seasonal material from the likes of Fleet Foxes and Brian Wilson.

Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 503-288-3895. 7:30 pm. $18 advance, $20 day of show.

Get Busy WHAT WE'RE EXCITED ABOUT

SATURDAY, DEC. 24

DECEMBER 21-27

Blow Pony’s Christ-Mess

’Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the club, every heathen was a-freakin’, getting lit like a mug. Portland’s biggest queer dance night survived a tumultuous year—for itself and the LGBTQ community at large—and celebrates by giving the faithful the gift of being hungover at Grandma’s house the next morning. Worth it. Bossanova Ballroom, 722 E Burnside St., 503-206-7630. 9 pm. $7. 21+.

Christmas Eve Eve: A Night of Barrel-Aged Beers

Christmas Eve Eve isn't a thing. It's just a useless buffer day before the stuff that matters. So fuck it, just drink beer. As a matter of fact, you should drink extremely strong beer, and lots of it—beer that has nuzzled with liquor left seeping into wood. BeerMongers, 1125 SE Division St., thebeermongers.com. 3 pm-midnight.

Latke Ball

Christmas Eve and the Hanukkah kickoff are the same day this year—which means it’s pretty much interfaith party time. Goy friends of Hanukkah revelers are expressly invited to get down and also maybe get some potato pancakes at B’nai B’rith’s Hanukkah party at the Doug Fir, with dancing, liquor and a photo booth. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 503-231-9663. 8 pm-midnight. $18 advance, $25 at the door.

SUNDAY, DEC. 25 Ugly Sweater Contest at Spyce Gentlemen’s Club

Dickens Christmas

The Feisty Lamb is like the world's weirdest dinner party in an art loft—here, it goes literary Christmas Day, promising a take on Dickens’ famous feast of “turkeys, geese, game, poultry, brawn, great joints of meat, sucking pigs, long wreaths of sausages, mince pies, plum puddings, barrels of oysters,” etc.

The Feisty Lamb, 2174 W Burnside St., 503-206-4253. 5-9 pm.

Reserve at thefeistylamb@gmail.com.

From DJ Dick Hennessy, creator of the Strip Club Haunted House, comes another inappropriate yet hard to resist holiday event. Wear your ugliest sweater to the club on Christmas night, which also happens to be a Sunday. You could win $1,000. Spyce Gentleman’s Club, 210 NW Couch St., spyceclub. com. 9 pm.

MONDAY, DEC. 26 It’s a Wonderful Life

Not every classic Christmas movie is about warmth, joy and presents. George Bailey (James Stewart) is filled with despair, on the brink of committing suicide, when his guardian angel reveals to him how he’s impacted the lives of the people in the small community of Bedford Falls by showing him what a miserable state they’d all be in if he had never been born. Mission Theater, 1624 NW Glisan St., 503-223-4527, mcmenamins.com. 5 pm. Also Dec. 23-24. $4 adult, $3 child.

Bachxing Day

What cannabis is today in Portland, coffee was in Leipzig in J.S. Bach’s day—a pleasure no longer forbidden, but still regarded with suspicion among old-fashioned prudes. As part of its annual all-Bach celebration, Classical Revolution PDX joins with a like-minded group, Opera on Tap, to perform Bach’s “Coffee Cantata.”

Curious Comedy Theater, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., curiouscomedy.org. 7 pm. Free.

TUESDAY, DEC. 27 Flying Fruitcake

Blow off that holiday steam and enjoy a good cathartic laugh at this seasonal comedy show featuring aerial dancers and improv comedy based on personal holiday stories from the audience. Just make sure your grandma’s not there. Curious Comedy Theater, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., curiouscomedy.org. 7:30 pm. $15 advance, $18 day of show. All ages.

Aminé

When 2016 began, the only people who’d heard of Adam Aminé Daniel were his buddies from Benson High School. Then “Caroline” happened and everything changed. He went viral, got signed and played The Tonight Show. No Portland artist had a bigger year, and he’ll put an exclamation point on it tonight with his biggest hometown show yet. Roseland Theater, 8 NW 6th Ave., 971-230-0033. 8 pm. Sold out. All ages.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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FOOD & DRINK = WW Pick.

Highly recommended.

By MATTHEW KORFHAGE. Editor: MARTIN CIZMAR. Email: dish@wweek.com. See page 3 for submission instructions.

1. Duck House

THURSDAY, DEC. 22 Holiday Night Market

If you haven’t done your Christmas shopping by Dec. 22, you’re probably also the sort who needs to do it drunk. Well, Reverend Nat’s is having a craft bazaar with the addition of lots and lots of hard cider— with plenty of local art, bath stuff, jewelry and bespoke flasks. It’ll even have hot cider to go with the cold stuff. Reverend Nat’s Cidery & Public Taproom, 1813 NE 2nd Ave., 503-567-2221. 4 pm.

FRIDAY, DEC. 23 Night of Barrel-Aged Beers

Christmas Eve Eve isn’t a thing. It’s just sort of a useless buffer day before the stuff that matters. So fuck it, just drink beer. As a matter of fact, you should drink extremely strong beer—beer that has nuzzled with liquor left seeping into wood.

Drink lots of it at BeerMongers’ Christmas Eve Eve celebration of all things alcoholic and barreled. The BeerMongers, 1125 SE Division St., 503-234-6012. 3 pm.

SATURDAY, DEC. 24 Dickens Christmas

The Feisty Lamb is like the world’s weirdest goofball dinner party in an art loft—here, it goes literary on both Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, promising a take on Dickens’ famous feast of “turkeys, geese, game, poultry, brawn, great joints of meat, sucking pigs, long wreaths of sausages, mince pies, plum puddings, barrels of oysters, red-hot chestnuts, cherry-cheeked apples, juicy oranges, luscious pears, immense twelfth-cakes, and seething bowls of punch.” All it needs is a Christmas orphan. Reserve at thefeistylamb@gmail.com. The Feisty Lamb, 2174 W Burnside St., 503-206-4253. 5 pm. Also Sunday, Dec. 25.

1968 SW 5th Ave., 971-801-8888.

Jasper Shen’s soup dumpling spot XLB will be coming in January to North Portland—but for now, take heart that you can get good Shanghai soup dumplings downtown at new Chinese spot Duck House. $.

2. Afuri Ramen

923 SE 7th Ave., 503-468-5001, afuri.us.

The new Afuri space is ridiculously impressive—and so is the ramen. The shio yuzu broth is the purest distillation of chicken and fish, the shoyu is deeper than Mishima, and that shiitake broth as rich as most meat broths. Pair them with sake from a very deep list. $$-$$$.

3. OP Wurst

126 SW 2nd Ave., 971-386-2199 (in Pine Street Market).

Did you know the only thing you have to do to make a hot dog into a breakfast hot dog is put some eggs and bacon on it? Now you’re totally justified getting the city’s best hot dog at, like, 8 am.

Because it’s a breakfast hot dog now. With bacon and eggs. $.

4. Traditional Russian Cuisine

5235 NE Sandy Blvd., 503-4491531, pdxrussiancuisine.com.

You ever had Russian ramen?

Borrowing from the same Chinese influence, Russians make a beef and lamb noodle soup called lagman, tinted red from tomato and full of cabbage, dumplings and squash. $.

5. Poke Mon

1485 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-894-9743, pokemonpdx.com.

Our pop-in restaurant runner-up is both peak Portland and peak poke, serving delicious, sauced-up, sashimi-style albacore or octopus at an affordable price, with a side of sake—and if you’re rice-curious, it’s begun offering sake tastings and classes the second Sunday of each month. $$.

DRANK

GRAND CRU COLD BREW FINCA EL INJERTO BOURBON (STUMPTOWN)

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

The two Arturos Aguirre, father and son, have been farming out the coffees of their Guatemalan Finca El Injerto estate to Portland for 13 years; it might be the best coffee Stumptown roasts. I prefer the warmth, fruitiness and wild complexity of the farm’s gesha varietal, whose beans are already sold out this year. But following up on last year’s bottles of gesha Grand Cru, Stumptown is bottling a cold-brewed version of its very best and most distinctive bourbon-variety beans as if the result were fine scotch, made with a dry process that keeps each coffee bean’s cherry exterior attached long enough to impart booming flavor to the roast. At $32 for a 750-milliliter bottle (sold at Stumptown cafes), it’s ridiculously steep to buy for yourself. Instead, get it as a gift for someone you live with, and then steal some. Each sip is a deep, dark-chocolate bonbon, with a lime-citric burst of acidity up front giving way to a wash of cocoa and notes of apricot and cherry, with an intensity of flavor that lingers long after each sip. Recommended.

MATTHEW KORFHAGE.

E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E

REVIEW

TOP DOG: Co-owner Bob Parsons dishes up condiments.

Wieners Rising SPIKE’S HOT DOGS IS CONFUSING, NOSTALGIC, HEARTWARMING AND SO FULL OF MUSTARD.

BY S OP H I A J UN E

sjune@wweek.com

For 45 years, Bob Parsons went to work every day in a suit. Now, the former manager of Jake’s Famous Crawfish, the Benson Hotel and the University Club of Portland wears a neon polo shirt with his first name embroidered on the breast, and an apron that reads “Top Dog.” This year, with a former Jake’s customer named Spike Friedman, Parsons started up Spike’s Hot Dogs just a few blocks from Jake’s in a walk-up space next to Target. It is guaranteed to be Portland’s first dedicated hot dog restaurant to feature an eight-deep mustard buffet, three kinds of regional relish and a dog-and-tot hash called a Doggie Bowl ($7.25, $5 after 4 pm).

Four years ago, when Friedman first approached Parsons about opening a hot dog emporium, Parsons had only one other entrepreneurial restaurant endeavor in his career. In the ’80s, he opened a short-lived 1930s-style big band nightclub called Father’s American Broiler & Nightclub.

Before opening Spike’s, Parsons and Friedman researched hot dog feasibility for three years, and decided the country was on the verge of a wiener explosion. They weren’t entirely wrong: Burger King launched its hot dog last February, McDonald’s in Japan now carries them, and Sonic expanded its hot dog selection this past summer.

Portland has its own selection of bougie hot dogs, from the breakfast dog at OP Wurst to the kimchi dog at Kim Jong Grillin’. Portland Monthly and The Oregonian both declared 2015 the Year of the Hot Dog. (WW said it probably wasn’t, and high-profile hot doggeries like Clutch and Hop Dog shuttered within a year of opening.)

But Parsons is banking on a full hot dog experience that can’t be had elsewhere.

“There’s quick-service hamburger spots, but there’s not that second-level hot dog place,” he says. “That’s what we want to be.”

For the past eight months, Spike’s has served up grass-fed dogs from Pendleton’s Hill Meat Compa-

ny topped with grilled onions, alongside a 50-deep condiment bar, where you can top your hot dog with everything from Chicago neon-green relish and bacon bits to eight kinds of mustard or even Jif peanut butter. Skip the tater tots ($2.50), which are baked instead of deep-fried, and stick with the dogs.

Each variety costs $6.50, with four vegetarian dog options that include apple sage and Tofurky Polish, and is served on a mild sourdough bun from local bakery Jensen’s Bread. But really, you’re paying for full use of that gigantic condiment bar.

I topped my dog with garlic, Dijon mustard, shredded cheddar cheese and bacon bits. And though it tasted like nearly every hot dog I’ve had in my life—albeit with better toppings—I didn’t end up thinking about Upton Sinclair’s The Jungle the way I usually do. The dog, along with Parson’s surprising hospitality, left me feeling both nostalgic and a little confused.

Spike’s feels out of place, like a piece of the Midwest dropped in the middle of the city, across from Portland’s busiest food-cart pod.

The restaurant’s aesthetics are in direct opposition to the classic brass-and-hardwood luxury of the establishments Parsons built his career on, but also to the Scandinavian minimalism that characterizes new Portland cafes.

Like a restaurant straight out of Disney World, Spike’s has red vinyl booths, a sterile white tile floor and is painted with red and yellow stripes.

Its menus are covered in Microsoft WordArtstyle bright-green block letters with slogans like “HAVE SOME FUN” and “UNIQUE IS GOOD.” And Parsons can’t shake off his affable Old World hospitality, treating customers with the decorum of an upscale club manager. Each man is “sir,” each woman “ma’am.”

Parsons says he sees his customers the same way he did at the Benson.

“There were six presidential visits when I was at the Benson, and countless celebrities,” he says.

“I don’t know that the sincerity of response has been any less than the response anywhere else I’ve worked. To have hot dogs and this place—it makes people happy.”

EAT: Spike’s Hot Dogs, 900 SW Alder St., spikeshotdogs.com, 11 am-8 pm SaturdayWednesday, 11:30 am-8 pm Thursday-Friday.

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MUSIC FEATURE

THOMAS TEAL

Curtain Call WITH THE IMPENDING CLOSURE OF JIMMY MAK’S, PORTLAND JAZZ FACES AN UNCERTAIN FUTURE.

BY PAR K E R H A L L

@pwhall

The first time saxophonist Hailey Niswanger walked through the front door at Jimmy Mak’s, it had a different address, and she was a minor with her instrument case in tow.

It was summer 2004, and a few of her musician friends had been getting rides from their parents to the club on Tuesday nights. If you were lucky, you might get invited to play a song with whatever Portland jazz luminary happened to be onstage before underage patrons got booted at 9 pm.

That night, it was Niswanger’s turn. Mel Brown, the local drumming icon whose name has become synonymous with Jimmy Mak’s, recognized her from his jazz camp in Central Oregon the previous summer. He invited Niswanger, then 14, to play with Brown’s septet, a group of musicians who still rank among her biggest inspirations.

“That night they called me up to sit in on a tune with them; I couldn’t have been more nervous, or excited,” she says, speaking by phone from her home in New York, where she is a professional musician. “This club is where I But it’s local artists who will be hit the hardest. Two grew up.” decades ago, there wasn’t a place in Portland where you After 20 years, the Pearl District music venue is not could find top-level jazz six nights a week. Performances just the best jazz club in Portland, it’s a nationally known by Brown and local mainstays like organist Louis Pain, monolith that regularly hosts some of the finest musicians trumpeter Thara Memory, and blues musicians like Curtis around. But unless something magical happens, it will Salgado quickly built the club into the finest of its kind in soon be gone.

Portland since the ’60s, when jazz was so prominent in the After the building Jimmy Mak’s currently occupies was Albina neighborhood it was known as Jumptown. Within six sold to developers in February, the club was set to move months of opening, Jimmy Mak’s was profitable. Finally, it once again—it relocated across the street from its original felt like the best jazz musicians in town had a home. location in 2006—to the former Bella Casa furniture store Even with big-name touring acts routinely taking the nearby on Northwest Everett Street. But with owner and stage, Makarounis—himself a saxophone player—worked to namesake Jim Makarounis’ ongoing battle with larshowcase Portland talent as often as possible. Regulars ynx cancer taking a turn for the worse, the club like Brown, Memory and guitarist Dan Balmer announced in late November that without made the club the go-to venue for jazz.

“It was that new management to take on the relocaDuring this year’s Portland Jazz Festival, tion project, Jimmy Mak’s would close Makarounis and festival manager Don place where, if you permanently at the end of the year.

Lucoff made sure that every event held weren’t at that level Whether you are a die-hard at the club featured local musicians. to play, you worked on KMHD listener, a casual jazz fan or For Portland transplants like truma musician, Jimmy Mak’s has long peter Farnell Newton, who arrived your band, hung at the been the center of Portland’s musiin the city in the early 2000s, that club and paid your dues, ideology made Jimmy Mak’s the most cal voice. And after the shuttering so that it was your of several other jazz-focused venues important place to get a gig. in the past several years—including “It was the place to be,” Newton says. turn next.”

Ivories, Vie de Bohème, and the “It was that place where, if you weren’t —Farnell Newton Camellia Lounge—news of its closure has at that level to play, you worked on your the jazz community entering an uncertain band, hung at the club and paid your dues, so future. that it was your turn next.”

“People come to town and the first thing they ask is, With Jimmy Mak’s closure appearing imminent, the ‘Where’s jazz?’” says Mel Brown. “Now there’s gonna be no jazz scene is frantic to find a replacement. A few places conplace to point them to.” tinue to offer high-level jazz for local listeners. MusicianFor touring musicians, Jimmy Mak’s leaves a significant owned restaurants like the 1905 on North Shaver Street hole. Since opening in 1996, countless musicians from have begun hosting live jams, and recent additions like across the country have played in front of its iconic red- Solae’s Lounge on Northeast Alberta Street are booking velvet curtain. Famed Miles Davis drummer Jimmy Cobb, local talent (though Solae’s is having problems of its own, pianist Les McCann, trumpeter Terence Blanchard, and see page 9). Coupled with new venues such as the Fremont countless others made pit stops at the club on West Coast Theater, jazz aficionados like Lucoff are optimistic about trips. Now, as of Jan. 1, there will be no major jazz venue the state of the Portland scene, even with Jimmy Mak’s between Oakland’s Yoshi’s and Seattle’s Jazz Alley. leaving such a large hole.

IN THE RED: Ambrose Akinmusire (trumpet) playing Jimmy Mak’s in 2014.

“Portland’s a very resilient city,” Lucoff says. “There’s a ton of musicians on the scene, and people are used to making something out of nothing. Right now, we don’t have a major jazz club, so they will make something from that.”

Lucoff says PDX Jazz doesn’t anticipate hosting fewer shows at the Portland Jazz Festival, which starts Feb. 16.

He is in the process of moving the planned Jimmy Mak’s shows to other venues.

Following its success at previous festivals, Mel Brown and his band will headline at Revolution Hall.

Musicians like drummer Chris Brown—Mel’s son—say Portland’s jazz community remains strong. He says it feels like people are fighting harder for live jazz more than ever.

“It’s not until someone’s reality is disrupted that you kind of evaluate things the way that they are,” Chris Brown says.

“Now we have more people saying, ‘We have to fix this.’”

Still, for musicians like his father, who relies on the consistency of weekly gigs, the loss of Jimmy Mak’s presents numerous obstacles.

“We’ve got great players here in Portland,” Mel Brown says, “but it’s hard to have a band that plays and nobody knows where they will be next week.”

There’s still a chance Jimmy Mak’s will see a rebirth.

According to longtime managers J.D. Stubenberg and Lisa Brandon, they have gotten a few inquiries from potential investors, and are planning to “evaluate all serious offers.”

For Niswanger, Jimmy Mak’s is more than just a place to play or listen to jazz. For her entire career, it has been a place she feels honored to call home.

“I am proud to say that while living in New York, I have found there are so many musicians here who know and rave about Jimmy Mak’s,” she says. “Jimmy Mak’s should be considered a Portland monument.”

Velvet curtain or not, the same jazz community that built Jimmy Mak’s into an internationally known powerhouse is determined to continue cultivating young artists.

It just might take some time to find a new living room.

“It’s about the people. Jimmy Mak’s, at one point, was nothing,” says Chris Brown. “Every great thing has a new beginning.”

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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MUSIC = WW pick. Highly recommended.

Prices listed are sometimes for advance ticket sales. At-the-door increases and so-called convenience charges may apply. Event lineups are subject to change after WW’s press deadlines.

Editor: MAttHEW SInGER. to BE conSIDERED FoR LIStInGS, go to wweek.com/submitevents and follow submission directions. All shows should be submitted two weeks or more in advance of event. Press kits, cDs and especially vinyl can be sent to Music Desk, WW, 2220 nW Quimby St., Portland, oR 97210. Please include show or release date information with all physical mailings. Email: msinger@wweek.com. Fax: 243-1115.

WEDNESDAY, DEC. 21 The Blind Shake, Paul Cary, Fire Nuns

[PRo-MIDRAnGE] there’s something to be said for a band that can tear through 10 songs in less time than it takes to watch an episode of Arrested Development. the Blind Shake—a Minnesota trio with a taste for syncopated rhythms and pedalheavy riffage—often do just that, with the help of dueling six-strings and psychedelic freakouts that fall in thee oh Sees’ wheelhouse. on this year’s Celebrate Your Worth, the Blaha brothers and drummer Dave Roper stick to their established garage-rock formula, dishing out loose melodies brimming with remnants of traditional surf rock.

BRAnDon WIDDER. Bunk Bar, 1028 SE Water Ave., 503-328-2865. 9:30 pm. $8. 21+.

A Good Cheer Holiday Show, featuring Turtlenecked, Cool American, Floating Room, Mayhaw Hoons, Two Moons, Alien Boy, Chain

[LocALS onLY] See Get Busy, page 25. Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., 503-239-7639. 7 pm. $7 advance, $10 day of show. All ages.

dollops of electric guitar, brushed percussion and other stock elements, but it’s imbued with more off-kilter details. Spare, baroque strings linger over the band’s solid debut EP, Pretty Deadly, as do tufts of distant saxophone and lyrics that are imaginative and peculiar. talented songwriter Karyn Ann’s Tapestry-esque musings are an added treat for those in attendance.

BRAnDon WIDDER. White Eagle Saloon, 836 N Russell St., 503-2826810. 8 pm. Free. 21+.

THURSDAY, DEC. 22 Rezz, Directions, DJ Aaron Jackson, Gangsigns, Drexler, Purple Scott [DARK DAncE] Love him or hate him, Skrillex wields some power in the electronic arena, and his endorsement of Rezz, a 20-yearold canadian DJ responsible for shadowy, industrial dance music, is noteworthy. Music writers across north America are quick to compare Rezz to trent Reznor, which is fair, given the produc-

er’s lurking, pulsing, techno-kissed sound. But there’s a bit more bounce to her work, which, while brooding and overcast, is still partyready at its core. It’s set to be a soundtrack tailor-made for one of the longest, darkest nights of the year. MARK StocK. Doug Fir Lounge, 830 E Burnside St., 503231-9663. 8 pm. Through Dec. 23. $25. 21+.

Void Omnia, Drouth, Isenordal

[tRAnScEnDEnt BLAcK MEtAL] Void omnia dominated the black metal scene this year with its second album, Dying Light.

Borrowing from the cascadian black-metal tradition, this oakland act’s melodic and sonically crushing approach mystifies as much as it widens eyes and inspires catharsis. Employing a sort of cosmic mysticism reminiscent of bands like Vhöl and Agalloch, Void omnia captures the mind and strips it down with unfiltered, atmospheric intensity, as pulsing guitars swell around astounding melodies, and the percussion beats like a heart

cont. on page 32

Yppah, Copy, Sean Lane

Ghost Ship Benefit with Bryson Cone, Sculpture Gardens, Mall Caste, EMS

[SASS PoP] no matter how divided our local scene may be, instances like the tragic Ghost Ship fire serve as a catalyst for setting aside petty bullshit and coming together for the sake of healing. While the bands on tonight’s bill don’t have a lot of qualities in common musically, they’ve come together to raise money for the families of those lost in the warehouse fire, and that’s really more than enough. Bryson cone and EMS share their electronoise pop and Mall caste provides some heavier punk feels, while members of Reptaliens and Animal Eyes leave their respective posts to play as Sculpture Gardens for the first time in a while. this is the first in a series of pre-christmas Ghost Ship benefits to be hosted by locals BdAP Booking, but that doesn’t mean this is one to miss out on. cERVAntE PoPE. Turn! Turn! Turn!, 8 NE Killingsworth St., 503-2846019. 7 pm. $6. 21+.

Strange and the Familiars, Shane Brown, Karyn Ann

[oPERAtIc FoLK] “Strange and the Familiars” is a fitting name for musician Stephanie Scelza’s theatrical brand of rock. Her folkinflected music is stuffed with warm

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[PSYcHtRonIcA] For more than a decade, Joe corrales Jr. has been producing the kind of spacey, sunsoaked electronica you’re most likely to hear late-night at a West coast music festival. But it wasn’t until the overlapping success of acts like tycho and caribou that his Yppah project crept its way onto Pandora stations and into the headphones of a much larger audience. the resurgence of the bleary-eyed psychedelia that made chemical Brothers’ ’90s work so vital is an obvious reference point for Yppah’s most recent album, 2015’s Tiny Pause, which plays like a tapestry of big-beat house and post-rock—a novel combination the young producer has become adept at reworking live with a guitar in his hands and a drummer at his side. PEtE cottELL. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 503-288-3895. 9 pm. $10 advance, $12 day of show. 21+.

THE FIVE MOST DESPICABLE CHRISTMAS SONGS, BY ED HAYNES “Baby, It’s Cold Outside”

It assaulted my ears in a new and profound way at Hong Phat on East Burnside and 82nd while waiting for the snowstorm last week. It wasn’t even the passive-aggressive date-rape lyrics. The melody and cheesy duet structure made me groan audibly.

2 “Last Christmas” At another Asian grocery store at Northeast 83rd near Foster, I was subjected to this mopey and dopey line: “Last Christmas, I gave you my heart/But the very next day, you gave it away.” And it’s repeated ad nauseam—that’s not a typo.

3 “Wonderful Christmastime” It kills my soul a little each time I hear the refrain, both because it’s the only memorable part—can anyone hum the verse?—and because Paul McCartney was easily the most talented Beatle.

4 “The Little Drummer Boy” Normally, this would make my list, but this year I heard it in Wes Anderson’s charming train commercial for H&M. I don’t know what “H&M” is, but I like it. Hopefully, it’s not military equipment or black ops facilitators. If it is, “Drummer Boy” goes back on the list.

5 “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” I don’t understand the ranking of seasons—I’d argue all four have their benefits and drawbacks—but having to listen to “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year,” for me, puts winter behind the eight ball.

SEE IT: the Ed Haynes Show: A crappy Jingles christmas is at Mississippi Studios, 3939 n Mississippi Ave., on Friday, Dec. 23. 8 pm. $15. All ages.

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CO U R T E SY O F PA N AC H E B O O K I N G

MUSIC

bald-faced: The blind Shake plays bunk bar on Wednesday, dec. 21. on the verge of bursting. Ditch the eggnog, brave the streets, and get your wrath hands ready.

CASEY MARTIN. High Water Mark Lounge, 6800 NE Martin Luther King Jr, Blvd., 503-286-6513. 9 pm. $10. 21+.

Cheer the Fuck Up: An OK Chorale Pop Songs Sing-Along

[POPULIST CHOIR] See Get Busy on page 25, and “Hear Voices” on page 17. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave., 503-288-3895.

7:30 pm. $18 advance, $20 day of show. 21+.

FRIDAY, DEC. 23 Anuhea, Justin Young

[HAWAIIAN POPSTRESS] The Islands of Aloha don’t breed many pop stars, unless you count the likes of ukulele virtuoso Jake Shimabukuro and the late Israel Kamakawiwo‘ole. Anuhea is one of the few contemporary Hawaiian artists to have broken through to the mainstream via her infectious 2010 cover of Estelle’s “Come Over.” Since then, she’s released a steady stream of bouncy, reggae-inspired EPs examining the throes of young love, plus a collection of Yuletide covers wherein she drops more syllables in her native tongue than André 3000 spits on an entire album. Franz Gruber has rarely sounded so fresh.

BRANDON WIDDER. Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta St., 503719-6055. 8 pm. $25 advance, $35 day of show. All ages.

TUESDAY, DEC. 27 The Brian Setzer Orchestra

[RETRO CHRISTMAS] A bighaired entertainer with stadiumsized charisma, Brian Setzer is one of the only people in the world who can make Christmas music last beyond the big day itself. In fact, his whole career has been predicated on resurrection. The famed guitarist and vocalist made a name for himself by helping to bring back classic genres like rockabilly and swing in the ’80s and ’90s. Tonight, Setzer and his 18-piece orchestra take over the Schnitz with big-band renditions of Christmas favorites, swinging through holiday hits for a crowd most likely to keep their lights up until well into the New Year.

PARKER HALL. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 503-248-4335. 7:30 pm. $35.50$80.

Aminé

[ROOKIE OF THE YEAR] See Get Busy, page 25. Roseland Theater, 8 NW 6th Ave., 971-230-0033. 8 pm.

Sold out. All ages.

The Hex Tremors, Worws

[HXC PUNK] The holiday season is almost always a drag when it comes to shows. Everyone is either off forcibly spending time with family, or held up in their homes boozing away and avoiding what

32

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

the city considers a ”snowstorm.”

In efforts to avoid the inevitable slump that follows Jesus’ birthday, come see the Hex Tremors blend bluesy Southern rock with elements of hardcore, punk and garage in a way that deserves much more credit, while Worws— who just celebrated their first anniversary—offer stylistic callbacks to greats like Death and the Wipers.

It’ll be loud enough to shock you out of your eggnog coma.

CERVANTE POPE. Twilight Cafe and Bar, 1420 SE Powell Blvd., 503232-3576. 9 pm. $5.

CLASSICAL, JAZZ & WORLD Portland Youth Philharmonic’s Concert at Christmas

[CLASSICAL KIDS] A large event for the Oregon Symphony features dozens of musicians. This show will feature the entire roster of the Portland Youth Philharmonic—more than 300 young musicians, all performing throughout the night.

And though it’s a billed as a “Christmas concert,” that has more to do with the date than the program. Musical director David Hattner kicks things off with John Williams’ “Adventures on Earth” from his score for E.T. More film and show music follows, including the waltz from Carousel and the adagio from Spartacus. These young musicians are the future, and it’s nice to see they’re getting to have fun instead of just trotting out Handel for another seasonal go-round. NATHAN CARSON. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 503-248-4335.

7:30 pm Monday, Dec. 26. $10$60. All ages.

Bachxing Day

[COFFEEHOUSE BACH] “Maidens who are steely-hearted/Are not easily persuaded/But just hit the proper spot/Oh, ye’ll have a happy lot,” sings the young teenage girl’s dad, imploring her to give up her drug in return for him finding her a lover. “Coffee, coffee, I must have it!” she replies. What cannabis is today in Portland, coffee was in Leipzig in the 1730s, when J.S. Bach wrote his “Coffee Cantata”—a pleasure no longer forbidden but still regarded with suspicion among old-fashioned prudes. For its annual all-Bach celebration, the local musicians of Classical Revolution PDX join with another international network of classical music enthusiasts, Opera on Tap, to perform Bach’s caffeinated cantata—the closest thing to a comic opera he ever wrote—and other compositions. Audience participation in some pieces invited. BRETT CAMPBELL. Curious Comedy, 5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 503-477-9477. 7 pm Monday, Dec. 26. Free.

For more Music listings, visit

COURTESY OF MULU HABTEMARIUM

INTRODUCING

ROBy WHO: Robbie Bereket.

SOUNDS LIKE: J. Cole, Elzhi, Logic.

FOR FANS OF: A blue-collar rapper with a dexterous pen and a precocious worldview.

Robbie Bereket understood early on the pressures one faces trying to make it as a rapper in Portland.

“And they say us making it past Portland is mission impossible,” he raps on “Move On,” a track from his 2015 mixtape, The Red Carpet. “I tell ’em all my life that I’ve been overcoming these obstacles.”

“It runs in my family—the crazy stories of what they had to overcome to give our family even a shot,” says the 23-year-old rapper, whose parents immigrated to the United States from Eritrea.

“Everything that I overcame personally, musically, just everything added up to where you’re telling me if I can’t make it out of Portland, I’ma laugh at you. You just motivated me to do that.”

Bereket’s underdog story is still being written. When he was 6 years old, his parents moved the family from Culver City, Calif., to Portland, finding refuge in the Northwest after the 1992 L.A. riots. Bereket began writing raps as early as 13 years old.

He bought his first microphone at 15, and linked up with some friends at Madison High School to record songs in a backyard storage room at 16.

“We just spent the whole summer literally doing nothing but making music,” he says.

Once he felt confident in the recording process, Bereket connected with producer Cameron Powell to release his first mixtape, Center Stage, under the name Yung Rob, in 2011, followed by The Red Carpet. For his next project, Bereket took a looser approach, going back to those days spent recording songs in a storage room for fun. The result was Cartoon Summers, his official debut as ROBy. It’s a scattershot collection of spirited anthems made for warm days and underscored by subtle political messages, addressing the current political climate and police prejudice.

And while Bereket is focused on becoming a breakout star from Portland, he’s not selfish in his pursuit of carrying the torch for the city. He wants to unify movements by supporting his fellow local artists and sharing their music.

“I feel like all the years that we’ve been grinding it out in Portland, it’s finally coming to the light,” he says. “This new wave of young artists are bringing the excitement back to the city. That’s the whole plan. We want it to be fun and friendly.” ERIC DIEP. SEE IT: ROBy plays Holocene, 1001 SE Morrison St., with Dead Phone Dummiez, US[+], RC Spitta, Leafs, Swiggle, Mandela and Timmy Hendrixxx and Woody Beast, on Thursday, Dec. 22. 7 pm. $10. 21+.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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MUSIC CALENDAR

Editor: Matthew Singer. TO HAVE YOUR EVENT LISTED, send show information at least two weeks in advance on the web at wweek.com/submitevents. Press kits, CDs and especially vinyl can be sent to Music Desk, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Please include show or release date information with all physical mailings. Email: music@wweek.com.

For more listings, check out wweek.com.

LAST WEEK LIVE

[DEC. 21-27]

HENRY CROMETT

NEEDLE EXCHANGE

AIRICK X Years DJing: 23.

Genres: Electro, techno, ’80s, disco, dirty, hip-hop, pop, rock, noise, rare-to-find, doo-wop.

Where you can catch me regularly: Blowpony at Bossanova Ballroom, third Saturday of the month.

Craziest gig: A break-in party situated at a school. It was ages ago, in another city. It was adrenaline-filled because the police showed up and there were people running everywhere, but not really in fear—more or less laughing and kinda taking in that the police can’t really arrest over 300 people. It was intense and kinda funny.

My go-to records: Le Tigre, “Deceptacon”; Dead Kennedys, “California Über Alles”; Gravy Train, “Hella Nervous”; Beth Ditto, “Open Heart Surgery”; Kleenex/Liliput “Heidi’s Head.”

Don’t ever ask me to play…: Eminem.

NEXT GIG: Airick X spins at Blowpony’s Christ-Mess at Bossanova Ballroom, 722 E Burnside St., with Lady Bear, Aurora, Matt Consola and Just Dave, on Saturday, Dec. 24. 9 pm. $7. 21+.

= WW Pick.

Highly recommended.

Ghost Ship Benefit with Bryson Cone, Sculpture Gardens, Mall Caste, EMS

White Eagle Saloon

WED. DEC. 21 Bunk Bar

1028 SE Water Ave. The Blind Shake, Paul Cary, Fire Nuns

Dante’s

350 West Burnside Sleeping Beauties, The Knast, Verner Pantons, Who

Hawthorne Theatre

1507 SE César E. Chávez Blvd.

DIGITour Winter

Holocene

1001 SE Morrison St. A Good Cheer Holiday Show

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. Mel Brown Quartet; The Christopher Brown Quartet

LaurelThirst Public House

2958 NE Glisan St Simon Tucker Band; Anita Margarita & the Rattlesnakes

Mississippi Studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave. Yppah, Copy, Sean Lane

Ponderosa Lounge

10350 N Vancouver Way, Dallas Brown

The Goodfoot

2845 SE Stark St Cherimoya, Vinyl Gold

The Liquor Store

3341 SE Belmont St, Lenore

Turn! Turn! Turn!

8 NE Killingsworth St

34

836 N Russell St Strange and the Familiars, Shane Brown, Karyn Ann

THURS. DEC. 22 Classic Pianos

3003 SE Milwaukie Ave, Trinity Alps Chamber Players

Dante’s

350 West Burnside Wolves in Argyle, Thadeus Gonzalez

Doug Fir Lounge

830 E Burnside St. REZZ, Directions, DJ Aaron Jackson, Gangsigns, Drexler, Purple Scott

High Water Mark Lounge

6800 NE MLK Ave Void Omnia, Drouth, Isenordal

Holocene

1001 SE Morrison St. We Take Holocene: Benefit for Haiti

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. Mel Brown B3 Organ Group

Kenton Club

2025 N Kilpatrick St Hail Santa

LaurelThirst Public House

Mississippi Studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave. Cheer the F**K Up! An OK Chorale Holiday Pop Song Singalong

The Analog Cafe

720 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

Will Koehnke, Halston Ray, Synful Syrens, Brian Garland

The Goodfoot

Skyline Tavern

8031 NW Skyline Blvd A Very Special Tinzen Christmas

1037 SW Broadway PYP Concert-AtChristmas

Curious Comedy

5225 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd.

Bachxing Day

Starday Tavern

Dante’s

The Lovecraft Bar

The Firkin Tavern

Jimmy Mak’s

421 SE Grand Ave Perspire

The Secret Society

116 NE Russell St Thursday Swing!

Featuring The Cherry Blossom Hot 4, Stumptown Swing

Valentines

232 SW Ankeny St Sweeping Exits, Talklow, Hard Sulks

White Eagle Saloon 836 N Russell St Wassail Night

FRI. DEC. 23 Alberta Rose

3000 NE Alberta St Anuhea, Justin Young

Doug Fir Lounge

830 E Burnside St. REZZ, Lassi & Drexler

Duff’s Garage

2530 NE 82nd Ave Gary Burford Band

Jimmy Mak’s

Mississippi Pizza

LaurelThirst Public House

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

Mississippi Studios

3939 N Mississippi Ave. The Ed Haynes Show: A Crappy Jingles Christmas

MON. DEC. 26 Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall

2845 SE Stark St Voodoo Ladyboys, Lesser Bangs

2958 NE Glisan St Mimi Naja & Jay Cobb Anderson; Billy Kennedy Band 3552 N Mississippi Ave Christopher Worth, Fox & Bones

Lynn Conover & Little Sue; Love Gigantic’s Holiday Party

221 NW 10th Ave. Mike Phillips; Brian Foxworth’s SOF Band

2958 NE Glisan St

6517 SE Foster Rd Mr. Musu 1937 SE 11th Ave Radio Hot Tub Showcase: Challenger ‘70, Kivett Bednar, Manx

The Secret Society 116 NE Russell St Pete Krebs and his Portland Playboys

The Waypost

3120 N. Williams Avenue, Cascadia Trombone Quartet

Twilight Cafe and Bar

1420 SE Powell Breaker-Breaker, The Bloodtypes, Slutty Hearts, The Hot LZs, The Wilder

Valentines

232 SW Ankeny St The Kings, Barstars, Radeskiii

White Eagle Saloon

836 N Russell St No Pants Records Presents: THROW, Zax Vandal, Matt Danger

SAT. DEC. 24 The Goodfoot

2845 SE Stark St Get On Up

JASON DESOMER PHOTOgRAPHY

HEAVY HOMECOMING: At yet another sold-out show for what has quickly become the class act of Portland metal, Red Fang returned home Dec. 17 to play for a crowd at Wonder Ballroom ornamented in Ray-Bans, stifflooking denim jackets ironed with fresh patches, myriad facial mods and thick winter beards—and the Levi’sclad hoard was not let down. Following sets from sludge monstrosity Whores and stoner-droners Torche, the quartet ripped into recent fan favorites like “Blood Like Cream” and “Malverde” and continued weaving in and out with a clever mix of new tunes from its recent album, Only Ghosts, which Red Fang has been touring behind since October. Saturday night’s show was the homecoming after a 26-show, coast-to-coast whirlwind in 30 days.

A mosh pit of hipsters and old-school rockers alike only climbed in intensity until the band’s classic finale of “Prehistoric Dog.” The floor creaked beneath the climax of beer-stained Vans and Dr. Martens. The band members waved, throwing any sticks, picks and thanks they had in a genuine gesture of gratitude as they closed the cathartic show. Welcome home, boys. Welcome home. CASEY MARTIN.

The Raven

3100 NE Sandy Blvd House Call with Richie Staxx & Tetsuo

350 West Burnside Karaoke From Hell

Tube

221 NW 10th Ave. Dan Balmer Trio

LaurelThirst Public House

WED. DEC. 21

2958 NE Glisan St Bakersfield Rejects; Kung Pao Chickens

Beech Street Parlor

The Liquor Store

Dig A Pony

3341 SE Belmont St, The Reverb Brothers

TUES. DEC. 27 Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall

1037 SW Broadway The Brian Setzer Orchestra

Jimmy Mak’s

221 NW 10th Ave. AJAM; Mel Brown Septet

LaurelThirst Public House 2958 NE Glisan St Jackstraw

Roseland Theater

8 NW 6th Ave Aminé

Twilight Cafe and Bar

1420 SE Powell The Hex Tremors, Worws

Valentines

232 SW Ankeny St xiphoid process, Tweaker Sneakers

412 NE Beech Street DJ Hell Books 736 SE Grand Ave. Honest John (60’s, garage, soul)

Ground Kontrol

511 NW Couch St. TRONix: Proqxis (electronic)

Star Bar

639 SE Morrison St. DJ Craceface

Swift Lounge

1932 NE Broadway St The New Style w/ DJ Nym

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Event Horizon (darkwave, industrial, synth)

The Raven

3100 NE Sandy Blvd Wicked Wednesdays (hip hop, soul, funk)

THURS. DEC. 22 45 East

315 SE 3rd Ave

12th Planet, Lumberjvck & SPL

Beech Street Parlor 412 NE Beech Street Mild Child

18 NW 3rd Ave. DJ Jack

FRI. DEC. 23 45 East

Dig A Pony

315 SE 3rd Ave Claptone

Killingsworth Dynasty

412 NE Beech Street DJ DS

Moloko

20 NW 3rd Ave The Cave (rap)

736 SE Grand Ave. It Came From Africa 832 N Killingsworth St Zero wave Presents

Beech Street Parlor

Black Book

3967 N. Mississippi Ave. Benjamin (international disco, synth, modern dad)

Crystal Ballroom

Star Bar

736 SE Grand Ave. Cooky Parker (music for dancing)

639 SE Morrison St. DJ Big Ben

Swift Lounge

1932 NE Broadway St On One Posse (funk, hip hop)

The Liquor Store

3341 SE Belmont St, Wake The Town (bass music)

The Lovecraft Bar 421 SE Grand Ave Shadowplay (goth, industrial)

1332 W Burnside St ‘80s Video Dance Attack

Dig A Pony

Gold Dust Meridian

3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

DJ Bad Wizard

Ground Kontrol

511 NW Couch St. DJ Nate C. (80s hits, hair metal)

Holocene

1001 SE Morrison St. Love In This Club

Killingsworth Dynasty 832 N Killingsworth St Twerk

E M I LY J O A N G R E E N E

BAR REVIEW

Where to Drink This Week

1.

Laurelthirst

2958 NE Glisan St., 503-232-1504 laurelthirst.com.

Instead of taking a developer’s offer, the owners of the venerable old Laurelthirst sold their bar to supporters, staff and musician Lewi Longmire—so the music won’t stop. Celebrate here.

2.

Rialto Poolroom

529 SW 4th Ave., 503-228-7605, rialtopoolroom.com.

Or here for that matter.

This downtown bar, nearly a century old, also just got new owners and a stay of execution. Merry Christmakwanzakah times two.

3.

Pearl Tavern

231 NW 11th Ave., pearltavernpdx.com.

Joey “Blueskies” Harrington’s new upscale sports and steak bar serves cocktails of nearstartling balance and delicacy—in particular an Angustura fizz ($14) that uses bitters as its only liquor.

4.

Wayfinder

304 SE 2nd Ave., 503-718-2337, wayfinder.beer.

This German-focused inner-Southeast brewpub is starting to round into form. Get the sausage plate and the collaboration beers that brewmaster Kevin Davey is making all over town while he waits for his own kettles to arrive.

5.

The Fixin’ To

8218 N Lombard St., 503-477-4995, thefixinto.com.

We always loved this rickety St. Johns bar.

Then it expanded and added a stage, turning the Fixin’ To into the concert venue the ’hood long needed.

Moloko

3967 N. Mississippi Ave. Monkeytek & Friends (records from the Jamaican regions of outer space)

Saucebox

214 N Broadway St Chelsea Starr

Star Bar

639 SE Morrison St. DJ A-Train

Swift Lounge

1932 NE Broadway St Klavical Kuts

The Goodfoot

2845 SE Stark St Soul Stew (funk, soul, disco)

The Liquor Store

3341 SE Belmont St, Bridge Club After Dark

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Club Kai Kai (queer & drag night)

SAT. DEC. 24 Beech Street Parlor 412 NE Beech Street DJ Charlie Hanson

BEER BASIC: Remember when the taproom wasn’t yet an established genre of bar? Just a few years ago, the only spartan, snob-friendly pubs were destinations like Bailey’s. Now it feels like every neighborhood has a place that bought its bartop from a metaphorical IKEA and uses the TVs primarily to broadcast the beer list. A well-connected beer buyer makes the place; everything else is an afterthought. Now, even the West End has a cookie-cutter taproom, the brand-new Beer Belly (1205 SW Washington St., beerbellypdx. com). Lardo owner Rick Gencarelli has turned the former Ración space next to his sandwich shop into a minimalist taproom with a few group-friendly booths and a couple of large screens displaying the Taplister feed on the wall.

The selection leans hard on established classics like Boneyard Notorious and Upright Engelberg Pilsner, and the closest thing to a whale was a keg of Block 15’s Figgy Pudding aged in brandy barrels. The one notable twist is an artisanal vending machine, stocked with Olympia Provisions pepperoni sticks ($7) and Woodblock chocolate bars ($4). The other nice touch was a malfunctioning sales system, which insisted on giving us happy-hour pricing for 10 minutes after the bartender declared it over. Once he made peace with the powerlessness of existence in the digimodernist postindustrial milieu, and once I had my $3 pint of Fremont IPA, all was good. MARTIN CIZMAR.

Bossanova Ballroom

722 E Burnside St. Blowpony’s Christ-Mess

Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave. Jimbo (funk, rap, electro)

Gold Dust Meridian

3267 SE Hawthorne Blvd.

DJ Mudslide McBride

Killingsworth Dynasty 832 N Killingsworth St Christmas Eve with Vera Rubin

Moloko

3967 N. Mississippi Ave. Lamar Leroy

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave Electronomicon (goth, industrial, synth)

Swift Lounge

1932 NE Broadway St Soul Sunday

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave New Wave XMAS Dance Party w/ DJ Acid Rick & DJ Rockit

MON. DEC. 26 Beech Street Parlor

Star Bar

Club 21

Swift Lounge

Dig A Pony

639 SE Morrison St. DJ Truhn Juice 1932 NE Broadway St Leftside Lean (funk, soul, beats)

The Goodfoot

2845 SE Stark St Get On Up: Lost Legends 2016

1932 NE Broadway St Legendary Mondays w/ DJ Dubblife

The Lovecraft Bar

SUN. DEC. 25

Quarterworld

4811 SE Hawthorne Blvd DJ Gregarious

Swift Lounge

412 NE Beech Street All Classical w/ Taylor Hill 2035 NE Glisan St. DJ Tiger Stripes 736 SE Grand Ave. Femme (hip hop, house, rap)

Ground Kontrol

511 NW Couch St. Reaganomix: DJ Robert Ham (80s)

421 SE Grand Ave Black Mass (goth, new wave)

TUES. DEC. 27 Beech Street Parlor 412 NE Beech Street Tyler Little

Club 21

2035 NE Glisan St. DJ Atom 13

Dig A Pony

736 SE Grand Ave. AM Gold (greazy oldies)

Star Bar

639 SE Morrison St. DJ Wrestlerock

Swift Lounge

1932 NE Broadway St #OnTheOneTues (boogie, Gfunk)

The Lovecraft Bar

421 SE Grand Ave BONES (goth, synth)

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

35

PERFORMANCE R O B Y N V O N S WA N K

REVIEW

= WW Pick. Highly recommended.

Most prices listed are for advance ticket sales. At-the-door increases and so-called convenience charges may apply, so it’s best to call ahead.

Editor: SHANNON GORMLEY (sgormley@wweek.com).

TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, submit information at least two weeks in advance to: sgormley@wweek.com.

THEATER OPENINGS & PREVIEWS A Christmas to Forget

Holiday shows in Portland cover a lot of ground—there are operas about strippers, Civil War musicals, adventures of department store elves and, as always, multiple versions of The Nutcracker and A Christmas Carol.

Even so, you can count on pretty much any holiday production to be feelgood. James Luster’s show might be the exception. The one-man play (performed by Luster) leverages humor from a depressing scene: a guy in his bedroom on Christmas Day with no one for company but a teddy bear.

The fact that it’s actually going to be performed on Christmas Day makes it seem almost too real to be funny, but people laugh at some pretty awful stuff. And even if the play’s humor doesn’t end up making its subject matter less bleak, there are plenty of people who do, in fact find the holidays depressing. If you fall in that demographic, it might be nice to get some sympathy. Action/Adventure Theater, 1050 SE Clinton St. 8 pm Sunday, Dec. 25. $15. 21+.

Cirque Dreams Holidaze

Portland already had both of its annual holiday circuses in the form of A Circus Carol and White Album Christmas. But this year, there’s also a visiting Christmas circus, and it makes our Portland ones look understated. Cirque Dreams Holidaze is about as over the top and bizarrely trippy as Christmas shows come: human Christmas tree ornaments, neon lights, acrobats in multi-patterned costumes, and more shiny stuff than you ever thought possible. If the holidays are already over-stimulating for you, you might find this show terrifying. But if you’re hyped up on sugar from Christmas cookies and need an outlet for your mental energy, Cirque Dreams can probably help you out. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1111 SW Broadway, portland5.com. 7:30 pm Thursday-Friday, 2 pm Saturday, Dec. 22-24. $25-$75.

ALSO PLAYING A Christmas Carol

A Christmas Carol: A One Man Ghost Story

In a dining room reminiscent of the first-class quarters aboard the Titanic, Phillip J. Berns plays Scrooge and everybody else in A Christmas Carol. Though it’s just one guy performing on a staircase, Berns pulls it off. One moment, he’s wide-eyed and flailing his arms to portray a child. In the next scene, he chillingly locks eyes with the audience as Scrooge, and you feel palpably inadequate just as Dickens intended. Even the accompanying pianist (Christopher Beatty) succumbs to the role of the boy paid to buy the giant turkey on Christmas morning by squawking in fear in response to Berns’ Scrooge. But it’s Berns’ acting chops that are most impressive. The sheer complexity of memorizing pages of Victorian London dialect is an accomplishment on its own, and his zealous portrayal of an endless procession of personalities is what makes the interpretation both endearing and innovative. JACK RUSHALL. Picnic House, 723 SW Salmon St., picnichousepdx.com. 5:45 pm Monday, Dec. 26. $75, includes dinner.

A Civil War Christmas

It may not be A Christmas Carol, but Artists Rep’s holiday production packs in a lot: singing, period costumes, politics and Lincoln. Set during the Civil War, Paula Vogel’s A Civil War Christmas traces the lives of a bunch of different people on Christmas Eve, 1864: Mary Todd and Abraham Lincoln, Grant, Sherman, and a fictional character named Hannah, a woman escaping from slavery with her pre-teen daughter. Artists Rep had the show slated way before Trump ruined Christmas, but hopefully it can provide us with some answers about seeking peace in a divided nation. Artists Repertory Theatre, 1515 SW Morrison St., artistsrep.org. 7:30 pm Wednesday-Friday, Dec. 21-23. Additional show 2 pm Wednesday, Dec. 21. $25-$50.

A Very Merry PDX-Mas

Everybody who live in Portland likes to hate on living in Portland now and again. Broadway Rose lever-

CONT. on page 37

CIRQUEPRODUCTIONS.COM

You don’t expect the traditionalist version of an extremely familiar play to be mind-blowing. But Portland Playhouse leverages the well-trodden script to show off some arty production values that are actually very cool.

Marley’s ghost (Todd Van Voris) arises from an eerily lit sub-stage stairwell, and several other actors join in with his lines to create one giant, dissonant voice. The Ghost of Christmas Future (played by multiple actors) looks like a shadow-puppet Babadook with the

help of a large sheet of fabric and some candles. Both the sound effects and music are played live, and the actors convincingly switch from one role to another, sometimes without changing costume or even their position on the stage. Plus, it’s pretty fucking cute when Tiny Tim (Serelle Strickland) sings a tiny carol in a tiny voice at the Cratchits’ Christmas dinner. Portland Playhouse, 602 NE Prescott St., portlandplayhouse.com.

7 pm Tuesday-Sunday, 2 pm SaturdaySunday, through Dec. 30. $34.

Cirque Dreams Holidaze 36

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

White Flight of the Braunger A NATIVE PORTLANDER’S NEW SERIES GENTLY SKEWERS RACE POLITICS.

BY ISA B EL ZACHA R IAS

Of course the last white man in America would be a native Portlander.

The premise of White Flight, the Comedy Central web series that comic Matt Braunger created early this year, is rather bold. Set in 2042, the plot kicks off just after all the white people in the United States have been teleported to a settlement in Canada, dubbed New America. Gary (played by Braunger) is left behind as a white “emissary” so that Old America’s population doesn’t “feel abandoned.”

A self-described “ big lefty,” Braunger is perhaps one of our city’s most successful comedy exports. He’s a regular guest on NBC’s Up All Night, a podcaster (his latest series being DingDonger With Matt Braunger), and a co-founder of the annual Bridgetown Comedy Festival in Portland. He’s made well-received appearances on Conan and Letterman, and garnered multiple standup specials on Netflix and Comedy Central.

White Flight could manifest as cynical, but it’s mainly just absurd. Old America is announced by someone named simply Dan, a cowboy-hat-sporting billionaire who appears to be both president and CEO of the U.S. In each episode, the good-natured Gary haplessly navigates his vague job as an emissary and his new position as a minority. Even at its most poignant, the social commentary is fairly gentle. In one episode, Gary auditions for “the one white guy” in a Tyler Perry movie. Since he’s the only white actor around, he assumes the role is in the bag. But after he walks through a waiting room full of black actors wearing blond wigs to a casting director who keeps asking him to “be more white,” the reference to whitewashing becomes explicitly clear.

Braunger, who says he knew he couldn’t write the show by himself “being a white male,” co-

writes the series with comic Kevin Avery. “I spent about a year bouncing the idea off of non-white comedian friends of mine,” Braunger says. “Everybody from Ali Wong to Hasan Minhaj to Kevin Avery to Solomon Georgio and Hari Kondabolu— just absorbing their input.”

But politics isn’t Matt Braunger’s first choice for standup material. “I don’t think it’s necessarily the duty of comics to write about political stuff,” he says. “But I’m talking about [the election] a little more just because I write a lot of my stuff from fear.”

Talking by phone, Braunger is extremely polite, and often cuts himself off with apologies: “I’m sorry, am I being incredibly vague here?” and “Sorry, I just went off on a rant here.” When asked to pick his favorite and least favorite late-night host, he decides to award gold, silver and bronze instead.

This doesn’t mean Braunger balks at difficult subjects. “I think you should be able to write a joke about literally anything,” he says. “But at the same time, that joke better be great if it’s about something that people are genuinely really sensitive about. If you’re slapping around a disenfranchised group, then it’s never that funny.”

Still, Braunger disagrees with the often-mentioned claim that Portland audiences are overly sensitive about political comedy.

“I’m sure the jokes I have slagging Trump would eat it in Oklahoma City,” he says. “They’d be mad at me, and people would walk out offended.

How is that not an oversensitive audience?” He adds that maybe he hasn’t had many problems in Portland because he’s “pretty much politically aligned with most people in the city anyway…Lake Oswego notwithstanding. Burn!”

SEE IT: Matt Braunger performs at Aladdin Theater, 3017 SE Milwaukie Ave., on Friday, Dec. 23. 8 pm. $20. All ages.

Hershey Felder as Irving Berlin

Even if you don’t go to this show, there’s no escaping Irving Berlin in December: He’s the guy who wrote “White Christmas,” along with “There’s No Business Like Show Business” and “God Bless America” to name a few. The one-man play is starring and created by actor and pianist Hershey Felder, who’s done similarly formatted musical biographies of pianists like Gershwin and Liszt. They’ll be plenty of old-timey piano music and probably a retro set to fulfill your seasonal nostalgia.

The Armory, 128 NW 11th Ave., pcs. org. 7:30 pm Tuesday-Sunday, 2 pm Saturday-Sunday, noon Thursday, through Dec. 30. No 7:30 pm show Dec. 24. No shows Sunday, Dec. 25. $25-$75.

La Belle

Portland theater is getting in on the buzz around the upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast movie. There’s the more straightforward adaptation opening at Newmark Theatre this month, and then there’s Imago’s version. La Belle is basically a steampunk adaptation of the tale. Set in a steamship’s engine room, the play plans to go heavy on effects, from animation to puppets. And unlike the PG-13 rating on the Disney update, this one’s geared toward family crowds.

Imago Theatre, 17 SE 8th Ave., imagotheatre.com. 7 pm Friday, noon and 3:30 pm Saturday-Saturday, though Jan. 8. Noon and 3:30 pm Tuesday and Thursday, Dec. 22-29.

Noon and 3:30 pm Wednesday, Dec. 21; Monday, Dec. 26; and Friday, Dec. 30. Noon Monday, Jan. 2. Noon and 3:30 pm Friday, Dec. 30 (no 7 pm show). No show Friday, Dec. 23, and Sunday, Dec. 25. $24.50-$42.50.

a decade now, Winningstad has been staging the family friendly, farcical comedy which casts two men to portray all of the play’s characters as they deal with seasonal small town troubles, like holiday yard-display contests and local productions of A Christmas Carol. Winningstad Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, portland5.com. 7:30 pm WednesdayFriday, Dec. 21-23. $20-$40.

Venus and Adonis

Shaking the Tree’s winter show isn’t a safe bet in the sense that it’s holiday oriented. It’s not really family oriented, either: Shakespeare’s narrative poem is about the goddess Venus’s lusty attempts to woo the mortal Adonis, who keeps brushing off her advances in favor of going hunting.

Plus, its tragic ending involves death by the horns of a bull. But it is a safe bet in the sense that it already had a successful stint at CoHo’s Summerfest, is directed by Shaking the Tree’s creatively undaunted artistic director Samantha Van Der Merwe, and the two lead roles are occupied by trusted Shaking the Tree regulars, Rebecca Ridenour and Matthew Kerrigan. In the season of safe-bet productions, this one manages to also be compelling material. Shaking the Tree Theatre, 832 SE Grant St., shaking-the-tree. com. 7:30 pm Thursday-Saturday and 2 pm Sunday, through Dec. 24. $25.

DANCE The Nutcracker

It’s like A Christmas Carol, or Rocky Horror in October: people are going to want to go see The Nutcracker.

Besides, if you’re going to get in on the glittery goodness of holidaythemed productions, The Nutcracker

is hardly the worst way to do it.

Tchaikovsky is awesome, the choreography is pretty as fuck, and since it’s one of the bigger dance productions in Portland, they probably have one of the most substantial budgets for all bells and whistles you could hope for. Keller Auditorium, 1111 SW Broadway, portland5.com. 7:30 pm Friday-Sunday, 2 pm Saturday-Sunday, through Dec. 26. Additional shows 7:30 pm Tuesday-Wednesday, Dec. 20-21, 2 pm Wednesday-Friday, Dec. 21-23, noon Saturday, Dec. 24, and 2 pm Monday, Dec. 26. No shows Saturday-Sunday, Dec. 24-25. $29$146.

COMEDY Shane Torres

You might imagine that after moving from Portland to New York and continuing to rise through the ranks of comedy gigs, Shane Torres might have something nice to say about himself. But even as he stood on Conan’s stage last March, this is the scene he painted of his life: getting into a yelling match with a debt collector in a mall food court while eating a Cinnabon (which is a lot like masturbating, because “the cleanup is the same”). Torres still refers to himself as a Native American Meatloaf impersonator, and he probably always will. Clearly, Torres is sticking to what’s gotten him this far: a sense of shame so dedicated it’s practically admirable.

Helium Comedy Club, 1510 SE 9th Ave., portland.heliumcomedy.com. 8 pm Wednesday-Thursday, 7:30 and 10 pm Friday, Dec. 21-23. $10-$25.

For more Performance listings, visit

PREVIEW COURTESY ISSALU PHOTOGRAPHY

ages this for their holiday show: They’re bringing back their Portlandfocused Christmas show, A Very Merry PDX-Mas, created to lovingly poke fun at Portland for being Portland. That way, you can channel your inner hater without being an actual Scrooge. Broadway New Rose Auditorium, 12850 SW Grant Ave., Tigard, broadwayrose.org. 7:30 pm Thursday, Dec. 22. $20-$44.

Parfumerie

Even if you’ve never heard of it before, you will probably recognize the plot of Parfumerie. The 1937 Hungarian play was never performed in the U.S. until 2009, it’s the source material for You’ve Got Mail, The Shop Around the Corner, In the Good Old Summertime, and the Broadway musical She Loves Me. A tale of love mix-ups involving a parfumerie employee, it’s admittedly old-fashioned, but that’s the kind of thing people like this time of year, and Bag & Baggage’s oldtimey charm is certainly capable of bringing you full-force nostalgia. The Venetian Theatre, 253 E Main St., Hillsboro, bagnbaggage.org. 7:30 pm Wednesday-Friday, Dec. 21-23. $22-$32.

The Santaland Diaries

Before becoming a famous essayist, David Sedaris was a Christmas elf at the center of holiday season’s vortex of rabid capitalism: Macy’s. The play version of David Sedaris’ essay of the same name, The Santaland Diaries is the tales of Crumpet the Elf, a seasonal worker who had plenty of strange encounters with holiday shoppers. Portland Center Stage does the show every year, so it’s not that exciting, but who doesn’t love David Sedaris. Portland Center Stage at the Armory, 128 NW 11th Ave., pcs.org. 7:30 pm TuesdaySunday, 2 pm Saturday and Sunday, Nov. 26-Dec. 24. No 2 pm shows Saturday, Nov. 26, Sunday, Nov. 27 and Saturday, Nov. 3. No 7:30 pm show Saturday, Dec. 24. $25-$5.

A Tuna Christmas

Most of us may be a little pissed off at small town rural America at the moment, but A Tuna Christmas ask you to spend some time with the residence of Tuna, Texas. For almost

Earthquake Hurricane’s 100th Show Portland is saturated with weekly comedy open mics, but not many curated standup showcases get to celebrate 100 shows.

Even beloved showcases like Lez Stand Up have a hard time finding a regular venue time slot, and plenty disappear entirely.

But Earthquake Hurricane is a rock. And lately, it has emerged seemingly unshaken from some fairly serious threats to its longevity: host Curtis Cook left for L.A., and the show moved from its original spot at Velo Cult. Now at the Liquor Store and with Katie Nguyen instead of Cook, Earthquake Hurricane still hosts a small but reliable weekly rotation of up-and-coming locals, as well as fairly prominent out-of-towners. Plus, the fact the show has four hosts means that no matter who rolls through, a solid portion of the lineup will definitely be funny.

SHANNON GORMLEY. SEE IT: Earthquake Hurricane is at the Liquor Store, 3341 SE Belmont St., earthquakehurricane.com. 7 pm Wednesday, Dec. 21. $5 suggested donation.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

jrabin@wweek.com

The first painting you see when you enter Arvie Smith’s exhibition at the Portland Art Museum features a black man, stripped of his clothes, being lynched by hooded Klan members, with someone in the corner of the frame waving the American flag.

Smith renders images of racial violence and oppression on a monumental scale—with some canvases as large as 7½ feet tall by 6 feet wide— so it can be painful to stand in front of them. It can bring up shame, embarrassment, disgust. I had to see the show twice, because the first time I went, I kept looking at the photos of the paintings I had just taken on my phone instead of looking at the paintings themselves. I struggled with the realization that I wanted them to be smaller, easier to deal with.

Smith paints in a highly romantic, florid style that belies the content of his compositions.

And his use of soothing tones—warm browns, reds and oranges—creates further dissonance between what we first see and what reveals itself when we allow ourselves to absorb it. Smith’s work is densely packed with symbolism, caricature and commentary.

Hands Up Don’t Shoot, a painting that references the police shooting of Michael Brown in Ferguson, Mo., depicts a smiling Aunt Jemima holding two platefuls of buttered flapjacks as her town burns behind her. A chalk outline in the distance holds the shape of a man killed while surrendering. In the foreground, opposite a Confederate flag, a white camera operator films the scene for our entertainment and his profit.

In another painting, Smith faithfully re-creates Edvard Munch’s The Scream, replacing Munch’s

ghostly figure with an open-mouthed Buckwheat, America’s most bankable pickaninny caricature.

Painted across the canvas are the words “we be lovin’ it,” a take on McDonald’s “I’m Lovin’ It” campaign that spawned a series of racist commercials in which characters rapped for “urban” audiences about the new dollar menu. Smith’s piece is a layered critique about how the fine-art world excludes the very same people whose subjugation is readily exploited for commercial gain.

“I speak unfettered of my perceptions of the black experience,” Smith says. “By critiquing atrocities and oppression, by creating images that foment dialogue, I hope my work makes the repeat of those atrocities and injustices less likely.”

We are accustomed to appreciating art that inspires and delights us, but it is a considerably greater task to reckon with work that makes us uncomfortable. Smith reminds us that one of art’s noblest purposes is to challenge, to get us to stare at our mistakes, misdeeds and mistreatment of others square in the eye.

Smith’s show feels even weightier now than when I saw it months ago. In the 10 days following the Nov. 8 election, the Southern Poverty Law Center tracked 876 incidents of discrimination in the United States, including “multiple reports of black children being told to ride in the back of school buses.” The images in Smith’s paintings are not simply a commentary on the past. They are harbingers, too.

Art has a way of starting conversation like nothing else. Let Arvie Smith’s masterfully painted canvases draw you in. Then all you have to do is muster the courage to look at them.

SEE IT: APEX: Arvie Smith is at the Portland Art Museum, 1219 SW Park Ave., portlandartmuseum.org. Extended through March 12.

W O R K I N G T I T L E F I L M S , P O LY G R A M F I L M E D E N T E R T A I N M E N T

MOVIES GET YO UR R E PS IN

An American in Paris

(1951)

Gene Kelly, a WWII veteran and painter trying to make it in the big city, and Leslie Caron, a young shop assistant at a parfumerie, dance through the streets of Paris for what seems like 45 minutes straight and then won what appeared to be 45 Academy Awards for the effort. Kiggins Theatre. Dec. 25-29.

It’s a Wonderful Life (1946)

Not every Christmas classic is about warmth, joy and presents.

In one of the most fallen-asleepto movies in history, George Bailey (James Stewart) is filled with despair and on the brink of suicide when his guardian angel Clarence Odbody (Henry Travers) shows up and reveals to him how he’s shaped the lives of people in the small community of Bedford Falls. Kiggins, Dec. 22-24; Laurelhurst, Dec. 21-22; Mission, Dec. 23-24, 26.

The Lost Letter (1972)

Some of Portland’s repertory programs are taking a day or two off from running Ukrainian cinema because of the holidays. Not the Church of Film and Clinton Street Theater, which will present Boris Ivchenko’s story about a Cossack traveling across the Ukrainian and Russian wilderness to deliver a petition for help to the Russian Empress Elizabeth. The Lost Letter was banned by Soviet censors upon release, but has since been reappraised as a classic of Ukrainian cinema. Clinton St. Theater. 8 pm Wednesday, Dec. 21.

The Red Shoes (1948)

Michael Powell and Emeric Pressburger’s story within a story about ballet dancer Vicky Page (Moira Shearer) joining a company to put on a ballet also called The Red Shoes, is one of the most influential films shot in Technicolor, and reportedly one of both Martin Scorsese’s and Brian De Palma’s favorite movies. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium.

7 pm Tuesday and Friday, Dec. 27 and 30.

Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971)

Send out the late, great Gene Wilder with Mel Stuart’s terrifying, hallucinatory trip into a nightmarish world of short, singing orange men, bloated children and a family so fucking poor that both sets of grandparents have to sleep in the same bed. Academy Theater. Dec 23-29.

ALSO PLAYING: Hollywood Theatre: The Star Wars Holiday Special (1978) and A Black Adder Christmas Carol (1988), 7:30 pm Wednesday, Dec. 21. Kiggins Theatre: White Christmas (1954), Dec. 22-24.

Mission Theater: Elf (2003), Dec. 21, 23-24; National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation (1989), 8 pm Wednesday, Dec. 21; Die Hard (1988), Dec. 26-29. NW Film Center’s Whitsell Auditorium: L’Argent (1983), 7 pm WednesdayFriday, Dec. 21-23.

You Might Learn Something WE WATCHED THE BIG LEBOWSKI AT THE CLINTON STREET THEATER AND FOUND ALL KINDS OF JUICY TIDBITS YOU CAN’T SEE ON TV.

BY WALKER MACMURDO

wmacmurdo@wweek.com

Among stoner cousins, ponytailed uncles and second-wave coffee-shop enthusiasts, Ethan and Joel Cohen’s 1998 comedy The Big Lebowski is an infinitely rewatchable tale about a heroic everyman who embodies a live-and-let-live ethos in a hostile world. This week, the Clinton Street Theater is playing the cult classic on 35 mm for achievers and squares alike.

Set in early-’90s Los Angeles, unemployed slacker Jeffrey “The Dude” Lebowski (Jeff Bridges) returns from a trip to the supermarket to find two goons hiding in his apartment, shaking him down for money they think his wife (he’s not married) owes around town, and micturating on his rug. The Dude’s simple life unravels into a mess of German nihilism, private eyes and porn barons.

For 10 years—or maybe 12, Clinton Street owner Lani Jo Leigh has lost count—the 102-year-old theater has shown the film for a week around Christmas. There’s a local tradition around it, including Leigh’s own “Rice Russians” a sake-based take on the White Russian cocktail the Dude imbibes throughout the film.

Ask a fan and they’ll tell you the best thing about The Big Lebowski is all the little details— hidden nuggets and visual gags that refer to earlier or foreshadow later parts of the film. And no matter how many times you’ve watched it on DVD, until you’ve seen the scum on the Dude’s toilet as he gets his head dunked in 35 mm, you haven’t really experienced the scene.

Last week, we watched the test run of the print. Here are the things we noticed for the first time.

They Call Los Angeles the City of Angels...

• In his adventure, the Dude gets dragged almost 100 miles across the sprawling Los Angeles metro, almost circumnavigating the city. It’s a

35-mile trip from his apartment in Venice to Pasadena—about the distance from Portland to McMinnville—just to meet the Big Lebowski (David Huddleston).

• The Compton-based Ralphs is the Dude’s supermarket of choice. It’s where we’re introduced to him, and later the Dude’s rewards card is his only form of ID.

• Bunny Lebowski (Tara Reid), real name Fawn Knudson, is from Moorhead, Minn., a city that abuts Fargo, N.D. The Coens’ film prior to The Big Lebowski? Fargo.

• Bunny offers to fellate the Dude for $1,000—that’s $1,772.05 in today’s money. If the Dude had found a cash machine, and if Brandt (Philip Seymour Hoffman) wanted to watch, it would have cost him $177.20 in today’s money.

• When you see the Dude, Walter and Donny (Steve Buscemi) enjoying their burgers from the In-N-Out on Camrose, the colorful paper cup Walter drinks soda from is definitely not an In-N-Out cup, which are white with a distinctive red palm tree pattern.

• On Maude Lebowski’s coffee table, there’s what appears to be a copy of LA Weekly. We asked two people at LA Weekly to identify the issue, without success. LA Weekly did a Lebowski-themed issue in 2013 but didn’t mention it.

Fuck It, Let’s Go Bowling • All of Donny’s embroidered bowling shirts are named—Austin, Art and a few more—but not a single one of them with “Donny.”

• The stars affixed to the wall of the bowling alley (the now-closed Hollywood Star Lanes) are the same that appear in Lebowski’s second dream sequence.

• The restroom sign behind pederast-turnedcreep who can roll Jesus Quintana (John Turturro) reads “Hit the Head.”

• The Dude does not wear socks with his rented bowling shoes.

• The only time the Dude doesn’t order or fix himself a White Russian in the film is in the final scene, in which he orders “oat sodas” (beers) for himself and Walter.

See, Let Me Tell You a Little Something About the Dude...

• In the film’s first scene, Lebowski pays for his 69-cent carton of milk with a whalethemed personal check. The date is 9/11/91.

That’s exactly 10 years before 9/11 and the day that George H.W. Bush gave his famous “New World Order” speech following the Gulf War. • The Dude might look like a bum, but he has upper-class taste. His Pendleton sweater retails for $240 and his Vuarnet 1307 sunglasses go for $200.

• The Dude mentions he was a member of the Seattle Seven “with six other guys,” the real-life members of the anti-Vietnam Seattle Liberation Front who were charged with “conspiracy to incite a riot” following a violent protest.

• He was also a co-author of the “original” 1962 Port Huron Statement, issued by Students for a Democratic Society, “not the compromised second draft.” There was both an original Port Huron Statement and a second draft with a disclamatory introduction.

• The Dude mentions that he was a roadie for Metallica on the Speed of Sound tour. There was no such tour, but the band is, in fact, a “bunch of assholes.”

• When rich Lebowski pulls the Dude into his limo for an interrogation, he’s wearing a shawl-collared sweater very similar to the Pendleton sweater the Dude wears.

• The Dude bathes with Mr. Bubble.

SEE IT: The Big Lebowski screens in 35 mm at Clinton Street Theater. 7:30 pm ThursdayMonday, Dec. 22-26.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

39

MOVIES

#wweek

= WW Pick. Highly recommended.

Editor: WALKER MACMURDO. TO BE CONSIDERED FOR LISTINGS, send screening information at least two weeks in advance to Screen, WW, 2220 NW Quimby St., Portland, OR 97210. Email: wmacmurdo@wweek.com.

Fax: 243-1115.

OPENING THIS WEEK

y p p Ha Hour

Assassin’s Creed

B The best line in this lurid, noisy video game adaptation comes from Callum Lynch (Michael Fassbender): “What the fuck is going on?” It’s a fair question. Assassin’s Creed, based on the long-running Ubisoft game series, is a brazenly bizarre package of hallucinatory freak-outs, fights and flights during the Spanish Inquisition and so many flattering shots of Marion Cotillard’s luscious tresses that you can’t help wondering why Pantene hasn’t bought the rights to the movie. Even stranger is the fact that the film’s mismatched parts cohere into a peculiarly enjoyable whole, especially when the grinning and murderous Callum is kidnapped

by Sofia (Cotillard), a glamorous scientist and pacifist. Their relationship is an abusive one—Sofia routinely straps Callum into a clawed machine called “the Animus,” which forces him to relive the blood-drenched, dirt-smeared memories of his ancestor, the assassin Aguilar. This stuff is all nonsense, and the best way to enjoy it is to revel in the movie’s weirdness, especially during surreal scenes like the dreamy encounter between Callum and his father (Brendan Gleeson), which takes place in a psychiatric ward filled with bird silhouettes. That scene, like much of the film, offers a testament to the talents of the film’s director, Justin Kurzel, who collaborated with Fassbender and Cotillard on last year’s Macbeth. Rather than wrangle the frantic battles and hazy conspiracies of Assassin’s Creed into a coherent epic, Kurzel has merged them into a solemn stream of psychedelia, and the result is at once ludicrous and entrancing. Now if only there were an end-credits scene revealing where Sofia buys her hair gel. PG-13.

BENNETT CAMPBELL FERGUSON. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Fox Tower, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Tigard, Vancouver.

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A-

Elle

The new film by Paul Verhoeven (Robocop, Total Recall) makes a strong case that “whatever” may be a legitimate yet sardonic answer to the question of how we are supposed to live our lives in the face of life-changing trauma. Elle opens with the home invasion and violent rape of its protagonist, Michèle Leblanc (Isabelle Huppert), by a masked intruder. We then watch her treat her vicious assault with the seriousness one would reserve for a badly stubbed toe: She cleans up the house, goes to the doctor and carries on her life as the successful co-owner of a video game production studio with her best friend, Anna (Anne Consigny), while quietly trying to

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Fences

A- Based on the August Wilson’s Pulitzer Prize-winning play of the same name, Fences stars Denzel Washington and Viola Davis as the center of a struggling African-American blue-collar family in 1950s Pittsburgh. As Troy Maxson, Washington—who also directed—is a former Negro League baseball player-turned-garbage man who casts a huge shadow on his family and friends, a man who approaches life with no hope and a fear of failure. Davis, as his wife, Rose, is the emotional center of the family, soldiering on quietly at Troy’s side. As Troy struggles with his developmentally disabled brother, an adult son by a previous woman, and a high school-aged son with his own athletic aspirations (Jovan Adepo), he builds emotional fences around himself and the family that keep them both in and out. His overwhelming expectations and burdens become both inspiring and crushing to others and, ultimately, himself. Fences is a family story with a local scope, but like Troy, it swings for the fences and carries a crushing weight that casts a long shadow. PG-13.

EZRA JOHNSON-GREENOUGH. Clackamas, Eastport, Vancouver.

From Coraline to Kubo: A History of Laika’s Films

The award-winning animated flicks that Hillsboro’s Laika has produced over the years—Coraline and Kubo and the Two Strings, to name two— were made by hand, a ludicrously labor-intensive process in the age of computers that produces seconds of footage out of hours of work. Laika’s Mark Shapiro explains how the studio brings all its creations to life, with a whole mess of the studio’s puppets plus other goodies in tow. This event was rescheduled from Dec. 15. Cerimon House. 7 pm Tuesday, Dec. 27.

A

Jackie

As soon as Natalie Portman (V for Vendetta, Black Swan) opens

CAPTAIN FANTASTIC 40

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

A

La La Land

There are plenty of ways to describe this sparkly fantasy from director Damien Chazelle (Whiplash)—you could call it a musical, a romance or a dream.

Yet those words are too frail to do justice to La La Land, which offers not a story, but a rush of wonderment fueled by a romance between Mia (Emma Stone) and Sebastian (Ryan Gosling). Mia’s career as an actress is shriveling, and Sebastian, a jazz pianist, is stuck playing Christmas jingles in a Los Angeles supper club. Yet the two lovers transcend their artistic angst during swoon-worthy songs and dances, including a gravity-defying interlude in the Griffith Observatory and Mia’s performance of “Here’s to the Fools,” one of several fantastic songs written for the movie. The ebullience of those scenes doesn’t fill every part of La La Land—the movie unfolds over five seasons packed with professional and romantic heartbreak. Yet every moment of La La Land is worth living through because of Stone and Gosling— whose chemistry is as snazzy as it was in Crazy, Stupid, Love—and Chazelle, whose direction is alive to the thrill of duets, first kisses and getting on with the show, even when you just want to cry backstage. PG-13. BENNETT CAMPBELL FERGUSON. Bridgeport, Clackamas, Fox Tower, Vancouver.

Lion

Dev Patel (Slumdog Millionaire) plays an adopted orphan who ventures from Australia to India to try to track down his family, from whom he was separated in a train station as a child. R. Clackamas.

Passengers

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deduce the identity of her assailant, who continues to harass her with text messages. Elle is steeped in the sardonic, existentialist humor that has defined Verhoeven’s career.

Michèle’s stoicism after her assault is masterfully portrayed by Huppert, whose quiet, outward composure is sharply contrasted with the banal squabbles that dominate the lives of her friends and family. This is a rare film that elicits laughs without treating its subject matter with callousness or condescension. By stripping away both the kid-gloves and exploitative approaches to sexual violence, Verhoeven and Huppert have crafted a grimly humorous but life-affirming portrait of strength and survivorship. R. WALKER MACMURDO. Cinema 21.

her mouth, she’s nailed it. The wisp and tall-vowel accent of Jackie Kennedy’s voice was as iconic as her pink Chanel suit—and both would be remembered only as pretty if they didn’t now represent America’s first televised presidency and first televised presidential funeral. This ambitious drama from Pablo Larraín (No, The Club) explores Jackie Kennedy’s intersections of identity in the traumatic days following her husband’s assassination. John F. Kennedy’s death was the symbolic end of an American Camelot, but for his loved ones, it was personal; similarly, Jackie Kennedy was a first lady, but in an instant became little more than a partnerless mother and jobless, unmarried woman. In tautly scripted conversations with her brother-in-law Bobby Kennedy (Peter Sarsgaard), her priest Father McSurley (John Hurt) and journalist Theodore White (Billy Crudup), Jackie’s tone ranges from suffocated poise to desperation and bitterness.

Aided by Mica Levi’s ghostly string score, Larrain’s peppering in of archival news footage from the time, and Portman’s most spectacular performance yet, this film is less an isolated Jackie Kennedy biopic than a dark and conceptual statement on how the American people classifies, experiences and remembers historic tragedies. R. ISABEL ZACHARIAS. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, Fox Tower, Tigard, Vancouver.

C Like a gleaming amusement park that spares no expense on decor yet somehow forgets to include any rides, Passengers so proudly boasts star power and visual panache that it takes a while to notice the limp romantic subplot that serves as featured in-flight entertainment. Director Morten Tyldum (The Imitation Game) too clearly shoots his imaginative load with bravura opening footage of interstellar cruise ship Avalon passing through an asteroid field on its 90-year voyage to the galactic hinterlands, and the sheer ickiness of the film’s eventual setup sours whatever sparks fly between two endlessly likable leads. Playing a none too intuitive mechanic accidentally lulled from hibernation into luxe isolation as all others aboard sleep through their journey, Chris Pratt must dampen his natural charisma in a vain effort to

Why Him? C+

Straight-laced parents Ned and Barb Fleming (Bryan Cranston and Megan Mullally) visit their daughter Stephanie (Zoey Deutch) in her Stanford dorm for Christmas, and find she’s moved in with her billionaire tech brofriend, Laird (James Franco). About two minutes deep into the family’s introduction to Sanuk-shod Laird and his impossibly modern smart house (voiced by Kaley Cuoco), it’s clear how badly Laird wants to impress the Flemings, and how heavily this film will rely on prop jokes in the technologically advanced mansion. What isn’t clear is how this wholly uneventful film is written and directed by John Hamburg, who co-wrote Zoolander and wrote and directed I Love You Man. We’re shown a montage of the young couple’s sunrise yoga session to help us understand this romance between a motivated Stanford undergrad and a vulgar video game tycoon 10 years her senior. Mullally and Cranston save the laughless stretches, blundering through the world of millennial CEOs as out-of-touch owners of a paper printing company, making jabs at Evite and confusing “bukkake” with “feeling overwhelmed.” Franco might as well be a grinning, swearing dashboard ornament, but at least former Malcolm in the Middle fans can look forward to a very Hal reaction while on the sensorily precise Japanese bidet. R. LAUREN TERRY. Clackamas, Eastport, Vancouver.

kids in tow. R. Laurelhurst.

A-

Certain Women

Drawing on three short stories

by Maile Meloy, Kelly Reichardt’s piercing slice of 21st-century life follows Laura Dern, Michelle Williams, Kristen Stewart and a masterful, relatively unknown Lily Gladstone skillfully embodying weary Montanans. R. Laurelhurst.

Collateral Beauty

C- If you’re a sucker for Love Actually and enjoy your films ending in a perfectly heartwarming, holiday-themed red bow, Collateral Beauty is your ticket, albiet with depressing twists and dark turns. Step into Howard’s (Will Smith) advertising agency, and you’ll find a broken man mourning the death of his six-year-old child. His colleagues, Whit (Ed Norton), Claire (Kate Winslet), and Simon (Michael Peña), worry more about the fate of their client-base than Howard’s mental state. Banding together, the three gaslight their devastated coworker by hiring three actors to appear as the modernized Ghost of Christmas Past: Love, Time, and Death (Keira Knightley, Jacob Latimore and Helen Mirren, respectively) so he is deemed unfit run the company. When the death of a child is a film’s introduction, the rest of the run-time is pretty miserable. Take Howard progressing to attend a support group of grieving parents, Whit establishing a relationship with his daughter post-divorce, Claire wanting a baby and Simon having cancer, every character’s takes their own clichéd path through life’s struggles. The true emotion and tears come from Smith himself, but the rest of the big-name cast appears tired and their character development pales in comparison to Smith’s stereotypical tears-streaming-down-face performance.

PG-13. AMY WOLFE. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Fox Tower, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Tigard, Vancouver.

Doctor Strange B+

STILL SHOWING

Thanks to director Scott Derrickson’s confidently superficial storytelling, this film’s imagery has a dizzying power. PG-13. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Tigard, Vancouver.

Allied

The Edge of Seventeen

B+

A clumsy, yet irresistible WWII thriller in which a wooden Brad Pitt and a theatrical Marion Cotillard fuck in a sandstorm. R. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Eastport, Lloyd, Tigard, Vancouver.

Aquarius

B+ A slice of life drama following Clara (Barbara Colen, Sônia Braga) from a young woman through to old age, Aquarius’ pacing matches that of its senior protagonist: slow, deliberate and confident. NR. Cinema 21.

Arrival

A Arrival inspires because of sorrowful linguist Louise Banks (Amy Adams), who enters a spaceship hovering above Montana shrouded in grief but still has compassion for both aliens and humanity. PG-13.

Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, Cinemagic, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Fox Tower, Hollywood, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Tigard, Vancouver.

Bad Santa 2

B- Billy Bob Thornton is still really funny as the alcoholic mall Santa/ thief Willie Soke, but Bad Santa 2 drowns out his performance in a tornado of dull dick and fart jokes. R. Eastport.

The Brand New Testament

B God as a bitter, drunken father who spends his days typing away at a desktop computer, compiling an ongoing list of sadistically Seinfeld-ian annoyances to force upon humanity in this sacrilegious Golden Globenominated satire. NR. Living Room Theaters.

Captain Fantastic

A Viggo Mortensen is mud-splattered, idealistic and good at killing things…again. But this time with six

B+ As Nadine, Hailee Steinfeld delivers one winsome tirade after another, she never sells short simple adolescent growing pains. It’s the best combination of well-written ranting and genuine alienation in a high school comedy since Easy A. R. Academy, Eastport, Laurelhurst.

Evolution B+

A nightmarish coming of age story about young boys growing up on a remote island under the gaze of their dead-eyed mothers, French director/co-writer Lucile Hadzihalilovic’s new horror film relies on creeping dread rather and meticulous pacing rather than shock value and over-the-top gore. NR. Cinema 21.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

C J.K. Rowling’s reboot of the Harry Potter saga is meant to be spirited and suspenseful, but the cast has no chemistry, and the beastinduced mayhem looks tacky. PG-13.

Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Tigard, Vancouver.

The Handmaiden B+

Park Chan-wook’s revenge tale is an undeniably lush, meticulously constructed film whose celebration of perversity is among the most artful you’ll see. R. Living Room Theaters.

Loving

A- The true story of Richard (Joel Edgerton) and Mildred Loving (Ruth Negga), the interracial couple who challenged U.S. miscegenation laws all the way to the Supreme Court, Loving emits slow, relaxed scenes that rely on touch rather than dialogue to illustrate the Lovings’ palpable tender-

ness. PG-13. City Center, Living Room Theaters.

Manchester by the Sea

B- How do you start over when your transgressions refuse to stay buried? According to director Kenneth Lonergan, you don’t, and that denial is one of too many reasons why even though Manchester by the Sea is admirably tough-minded, it’s also a drag.

R. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Fox Tower, Hollywood.

Miss Peregrine’s Home for Peculiar Children

B- Tim Burton’s adaptation of Ransom Riggs’ young adult bestseller nearly ignores the dull business of storytelling altogether via expository plot dumps crumpled in between ever more fantastical evocations of ghoulish Victoriana. PG-13. Academy, Avalon, Valley.

ing a vast array of animal interactions with staged performances from actors depicting early man, positing that humanity has no greater importance than nature. NR. Cinema 21.

Huppert) captures the jaggedness and inconsistency of daily life. PG-13. Living Room Theaters.

Sing

B+ Poppy (Anna Kendrick), the bubbly leader of the troll community, and Branch (Justin Timberlake), a serial pessimist, must save a handful of their goofy friends from ending up as troll soufflé on the dinner table of the Bergens—ugly giants that suffer from depression. PG. Beaverton Wunderland, Bridgeport, Clackamas, Eastport.

C+ If you’ve been yearning for Seth MacFarlane to play a mouse who sings like Sinatra, this is your movie. PG. Beaverton Wunderland, Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Living Room Theaters, Lloyd, Milwaukie, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, St. Johns Twin Cinema & Pub, Tigard, Vancouver.

Trolls

Things to Come

B+ Mia Hansen-Løve’s sleepy French drama about the crumbling life of a middle-aged academic (Isabelle

For more Movies listings, visit

PREVIEW C O U R T E S Y H O L LY W O O D T H E A T R E

retain audience sympathy after committing an indefensible act—manufacturing companionship via the forced malfunction of an attractive shipmate’s pod.

Meanwhile, Jennifer Lawrence leans hard into spoiled ditziness and blinkered self-regard as the best explanation for her supposed journalist’s failure to even slightly suspect the creeper next door, which, Houston, seems problematic. In space, no one can see you stalk, but shouldn’t a deep dive on the perils of arrested slumber be a little more woke?

PG-13. JAY HORTON. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, Cinemagic, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Tigard, Vancouver.

Moana

B+ If you were curious whether Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson could carry a tune, Moana is a ringing affirmative. PG. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, St. Johns Pub and Theater, Tigard, Vancouver.

A-

Moonlight

Moonlight follows Chiron, played by three different actors, coming of age over two decades on the rough Liberty City blocks of 1980s Miami.

Every piece of Moonlight is staged in service to a humanist question: What would love mean to a boy who’s been conditioned to hide? R. Cinema 21, Lloyd.

Nocturnal Animals

Susan Morrow (Amy Adams), the successful owner of an art gallery, receives a disturbing manuscript from her ex-husband (Jake Gyllenhaal) as her second marriage falls apart. R. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, Cinema 21, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Fox Tower, Vancouver.

Office Christmas Party

B- The smartest move in the latest story by Jon Lucas (The Hangover trilogy) is to focus on the innately funny interactions within the insular world of a run-of-the-mill data storage company.

The second is an ultimatum to charm a big client, plus a cocaine-fueled snow machine. R. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Tigard, Vancouver.

One More Time With Feeling

In 2015, cult Australian gothic folk musician Nick Cave lost his teenage son in a tragic hiking accident. This rockumentary follows Cave and his band the Bad Seeds through his grieving process and the recording of this year’s Skeleton Tree album, which received rave reviews.

NR. Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Friday, Dec. 23.

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story A The best Star Wars film since The Empire Strikes Back, this gritty spinoff brings a depth of humanity to the galaxy that the series hadn’t ever seen. PG-13. Bagdad, Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division, Eastport, Lloyd, Milwaukie, Moreland, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Roseway, St. Johns Twin Cinema & Pub, Tigard, Vancouver.

Rules Don’t Apply

C At its best, Rules Don’t Apply documents the eccentric behavior of Howard Hughes (Warren Beatty), capturing him repeating himself in a dark room and demanding banana-nut ice cream.

But like Hollywood itself, each scene passes by too quickly for the viewer to grasp what’s actually going on. PG-13.

Laurelhurst.

Seasons

B Seasons is the final installment in the series of acclaimed nature documentaries by French filmmakers Jacques Perrin and Jacques Cluzaud (Winged Migration, Oceans), combining brilliant nature footage captur-

silent night, deadly night: Carla Rossi.

Holiday Fright October doesn’t own horror, which the Hollywood Theatre makes abundantly clear with Queer Horror for the Holidays: the gift-wrapped, Dec. 22 iteration of its Queer Horror film series. Queer Horror is Portland’s only film festival that actively unites the horror genre with the LGBT community, and it’s the Hollywood’s only consistent event that features live drag performances.

Event founder Anthony Hudson launched Queer Horror in March 2015 through a hearty collaboration between the Pacific Northwest College of Art and the Hollywood Theatre media residency program.

Hudson explains: “The Hollywood and I loved it so much that we made it a regular program. Originally, they asked me to do it monthly, but I wanted to draw it out and really create a great series over a longer period of time by making it bimonthly. We want films with a strong queer presence in front, or behind, the camera.”

Queer Horror for the Holidays will feature an assorted gift bag of films with light and dark material. The evening will showcase local, national and international filmmakers as well as material from resident artist Jason Edward Davis, who characterizes horror icons through gothic illustrations.

“We’re featuring found-footage films, post-apocalyptic scenarios, Satanists, slashers, animation, documentary, a Barbie melodrama and even a killer toilet,” says Hudson. “It’s a last-minute holiday bazaar full of holiday-spiced shorts.” And in case you’re in more of a taking as opposed to a giving mood this year, the event includes a raffle.

Queer Horror for the Holidays will feature a pre-show drag performance as well as additional performances littered between film showings. Local drag queens Valerie DeVille and Wanda Bones will be presenting. Hudson, who doubles onstage as drag queen Carla Rossi, claims his alter ego may also make an appearance with a couple of Christmas numbers.

But rest assured, the content of this Queer Horror retains some obligatory holiday spirit, especially if 2016 politics have left you with a determined case of the heebie-jeebies.

“Carla may even be performing a Christmas number or two that should have absolutely nothing whatsoever to do with the election.

Whatsoever,” assures Hudson. JACK RUSHALL.

The Hollywood Theatre’s bimonthly Queer Horror short-film festival aims to deliver a few nightmares before Christmas.

see it: Queer Horror for the Holidays plays at the Hollywood Theatre. 7:30 pm Thursday, Dec. 22. $9.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

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$15

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TUESDAY:

BY WM. WI LLA R D G REEN E

BLUE WIDO WIDOW / $20 EIGHTH

The snow’s gone, the roads are clear, and the mailfolk deliver on Sunday because greed is a machine that will consume us all. That’s why there’s no excuse for lateness for your Christmas gifts and why, for the fourth year in a row, I was still hustling to get in the Last-Minute Stoner Gift Guide. Don’t worry: There are still gewgaws aplenty. Yuletide blessings to you and yours!

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CLIPPER LIGHTER

Bundle of six for $7.89 on amazon.com.

ALL PRICES INCLUDE TAX.

The Clipper is a refi llable midcentury Spanish lighter designed with the workaday hand-roller in mind. The lighter’s tubular body angles jauntily near the top so the butane fl ame is both long enough to curl over the edge of a bowl and safely spaced from burnable flesh. The starshaped lighter wheel is fun to fl ick, and the fl int doubles as a detachable tamper.

Bics are iconic in their own right, but the Clipper is an unsung classic and makes for a delightful stocking stuffer.

THE NUGGY

$29.70 at nugtools.com.

The Nuggy is essentially a Swiss Army knife, except it’s green and eggshaped and stacked with smoking tools. There’s a pick, tamper, roach clip, bowl scraper, and tiny dab spoon.

There’s a fl ashlight for illuminating searches for dropped bud and a pair of curved scissors that look like something out of the Saw franchise. The piece has some heft, making it too bulky for a regular pocket carry, but the variety of gizmos will come in handy if it’s stashed near a smoking station.

Give the Gift of Chronic W W W. H I G H E N D M A R K E T P L A C E .C O M

ART SUPPLIES Prices vary.

I usually like to recommend a video game at Christmas, when all the best games are out, and because video gaming is a complicated art form that gets too little credit. But we’re entering a new year in a changed America, and gaming may not be the most productive use of our leisure time. It’s time to create, not consume. It’s time to produce good work, to push back the darkness and strife rending our world. It’s time to pursue meaning and purpose. Maybe painting isn’t your expression. Maybe your calling is to write or sing or sew or whittle. The point is, listen to that generative voice and follow it…

BATTLEFIELD 1

$59.99 for PlayStation 4, Xbox One, and PC.

…right after another round of Conquest. Go all Gavrilo Princip and relive the Great War by impaling an Austrian machine-gunner with a bayonet while simultaneously succumbing to chlorine gas! Those were the good old days, back when horses still worked for war and before we had to worry about nukes.

42

Willamette Week DECEMBER 21, 2016 wweek.com

ANIMAL SKULLS

$15-$75 at Paxton Gate, 4204 N Mississippi Ave., paxtongate.com.

Can I interest you in an animal skull? Paxton Gate has whole drawers of them. You’ve got your beavers, your minks, your coyotes, your standard mice. Skull after skull after skull.

Paint on an alligator skull next Dias de los Muertos! Stuff a nutria and have it hold its own species skull in an elaborate Hamlet homage!

Huck an empty turtle shell against a wall! The world is your oyster when you own a bunch of animal skulls.

CHARLEY HARPER: AN ILLUSTRATED LIFE

$29.95 at Powell’s Books, powells.com.

Much of Charley Harper’s work centered on distilling the shapes and colors of natural life into minimalist scenes of balance, whimsy and dramatic action. A raptor’s shadow passes over a family of ground squirrels dashing for cover; prairie beasts flee a grassland fire; a grizzly fishes a creek, hunger rendered as a tangle of white tracks deep in her gut. An Illustrated Life captures the best of Harper’s work in one tome, and features more than 400 pages of biology-centric action edited and arranged by designer Todd Oldham into a tidy package perfect for perusing post-toke.

THE DOPEN

$59.99 at thedopen.com.

The Dopen is an elegant iteration on the pen vape. First, it’s betterlooking than standard pens, with color schemes like gold and white, and oxblood. It’s also topped with a clipped cap discretely resembling a high-quality fountain pen while simultaneously keeping the mouthpiece clear of lint and protecting pockets from leaky cartridges. But it’s the Dopen’s durability that users like most. Vapes can be cobbled together at a lower price, but they’re often janky and prone to battery failure. The Dopen is built to last.

BY N a t e Wa g g o n e r

pot lander

Cat and Girl

N E W S L E T T E R

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CHATLINES CONT.

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“Four on the Floor”–putting your order down. variety 49 Cutty ___ (Scotch whisky) 50 Keystone’s place 51 Wendi ___-Covey of “The Goldbergs” 55 Benjamin Netanyahu’s nickname 57 Non-literal expression 59 Christmas lights location 60 Menaces to hobbits 61 Bourne of “The Bourne Ultimatum” 62 It has its points 63 Hotel counts 64 1997 environmental treaty site 65 “Note to ___ ...”

Across 1 Pound cake ingredients 5 Like apples ready to bake 10 Torre pendente di ___ (European landmark, to locals) 14 Short pants?

15 Speed skater ___ Anton Ohno 16 “SVU” part 17 Diamond’s diametric opposite on the Mohs scale 18 Former Orange Bowl site

19 Walk back and forth 20 Cut ties with, on social media 22 I’d be lion if I said it 24 Lane who sang with Xavier Cugat 25 Title for several Trump cabinet picks 28 Musical miscellany 31 Indeterminate quantity 32 Corp.’s stock market debut 33 Nondairy dairy

case item 34 Buccaneers’ bay 36 Pack away 37 1040 filers 38 Cheri once of “SNL” 39 Olympic vehicle 40 Find loathsome 41 Clip joint?

42 Like eight 43 Pokemon protagonist 44 Like some trees or tales 45 Like old rawhide bones 47 Pacific salmon

Down 1 Caesar’s “And you?”

2 “___ Torino” (Clint Eastwood film) 3 Strange sport?

4 Splenda, mainly 5 “I’m here so I can greet you ... not!”?

6 Declare one’s view 7 It may have a fork 8 Shade caster 9 “You really think zen master is on my list of attributes?!”?

10 Chrysalides 11 “Birdman” director’s Beetle, e.g.?

12 “Attack, dog!”

13 Finished off 21 “May ___ excused?”

23 “Lit” binary digit 25 Camera used in extreme sports 26 Farthest orbital point from earth 27 Bottom-of-theline 28 Coffee orders 29 Ciudad Juarez neighbor 30 Item that plays “Soul Meets Body,” for short?

31 Catch a whiff of 35 “___ of Two Cities” 36 Smooth quality 44 Clue hunter, informally 46 Political org. from 962 to 1806 48 Mr. Kringle 49 “Get outta here!”

51 Soybean soup 52 3/5, for example 53 Avocado shape 54 Soft toy substance 55 Literature Nobelist Dylan 56 Burning anger 58 Box on a calendar

last week’s answers

©2016 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #JONZ811.

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Week of December 22

The Ultimate Sports Bar

Buy More For Less 7am/2:30am Everyday ARIES (March 21-April 19) NPR’s Scott Simon interviewed jazz pianist and songwriter Robert Glasper, who has created nine albums, won a Grammy, and collaborated with a range of great musicians. Simon asked him if he had any frustrations -- “grand ambitions” that people discouraged him from pursuing. Glasper said yes. He’d really like to compose and sing hip-hop rhymes. But his bandmates just won’t go along with him when he tries that stuff. I hope that Glasper, who’s an Aries, will read this horoscope and take heart from what I’m about to predict: In 2017, you may finally get a “Yes!” from people who have previously said “No!” to your grand ambitions.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Humans have drunk hot tea for over two millennia. Chinese emperors were enjoying it as far back as the second century B.C. And yet it wasn’t until the 20th century that anyone dreamed up the idea of enclosing tea leaves in convenient one-serving bags to be efficiently brewed. I foresee you either generating or stumbling upon comparable breakthroughs in 2017, Taurus. Long-running traditions or customs will undergo simple but dramatic transformations that streamline your life.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20) “What you do is what counts and not what you had the intention of doing,” said Pablo Picasso. If I had to choose a single piece of advice to serve as your steady flame in 2017, it might be that quote. If you agree, I invite you to conduct this experiment: On the first day of each month, take a piece of paper and write down three key promises you’re making to yourself. Add a brief analysis of how well you have lived up to those promises in the previous four weeks. Then describe in strong language how you plan to better fulfill those promises in the coming four weeks.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) For a bald eagle in flight, feathers are crucial in maintaining balance. If it inadvertently loses a feather on one wing, it will purposely shed a comparable feather on the other wing. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, this strategy has metaphorical meaning for your life in 2017. Do you want to soar with maximum grace and power? Would you like to ascend and dive, explore and scout, with ease and exuberance? Learn from the eagle’s instinctual wisdom.

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SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) In August 2012, a group of tourists visited the Eldgja volcanic region in Iceland. After a while, they noticed that a fellow traveler was missing. Guides organized a search party, which worked well into the night trying to track down the lost woman. At 3 a.m., one of the searchers suddenly realized that she herself was the missing person everyone was looking for. The misunderstanding had occurred many hours earlier because she had slipped away to change her clothes, and no one recognized her in her new garb. This is a good teaching story for you to meditate on in 2017, Scorpio. I’d love to see you change so much that you’re almost unrecognizable. And I’d love to see you help people go searching for the new you.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) In 2017, you will be at the peak of your ability to forge new alliances and deepen existing alliances. You’ll have a sixth sense for cultivating professional connections that can serve your noble ambitions for years to come. I encourage you to be alert for new possibilities that might be both useful for your career and invigorating for your social life. The words “work” and “fun” will belong together! To achieve the best results, formulate a clear vision of the community and support system you want.

CANCER (June 21-July 22) During the campaign for U.S. President in 1896, Democratic candidate William Jennings Bryan traveled 18,000 miles as he made speeches all over the country. But the Republican candidate, William McKinley, never left his hometown of Canton, Ohio. He urged people to visit him if they wanted to hear what he had to say. The strategy worked. The speeches he delivered from the front porch of his house drew 750,000 attendees and played an important role in his election. I recommend a comparable approach for you in the coming months, Cancerian. Invoke all your attractive power as you invite interested parties to come see you and deal with you on your home turf.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Capricorn writer Edgar Allan Poe has been an important cultural influence. His work appears on many “mustread” lists of 19th-century American literature. But during the time he was alive, his best-selling book was not his famous poem “The Raven,” nor his short story “The GoldBug,” nor his novel The Narrative of Arthur Gordon Pym of Nantucket. Rather, it was The Conchologist’s First Book, a textbook about mollusk shells, which he didn’t actually write, but merely translated and edited. If I’m reading the astrological omens correctly, 2017 will bring events to help ensure that your fate is different from Poe’s. I see the coming months as a time when your best talents will be seen and appreciated better than ever before.

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) “Poetry is a way of knowledge, but most poetry tells us what we already know,” writes poet Charles Simic. I would say the same thing about a lot of art, theater, film, music, and fiction: Too often it presents well-crafted repetitions of ideas we have heard before. In my astrological opinion, Leo, 2017 will be a time when you’ll need to rebel against that limitation. You will thrive by searching for sources that provide you with novel information and unique understandings. Simic says: “The poem I want to write is impossible: a stone that floats.” I say: Be on the lookout for stones that float.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) “My goal is to create a life that I don’t need a vacation from,” says motivational author Rob Hill Sr. That’s an implausible dream for most people. But in 2017, it will be less implausible than it has ever been for you Aquarians. I don’t guarantee that it will happen. But there is a decent chance you’ll build a robust foundation for it, and thereby give yourself a head start that enables you to accomplish it by 2019. Here’s a tip on how to arouse and cultivate your motivation: Set an intention to drum up and seek out benevolent “shocks” that expand your concepts of who you are and what your life is about.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) The Economist magazine reports that if someone wanted to transport $10 million in bills, he or she would have to use eight briefcases. Sadly, after evaluating your astrological omens for 2017, I’ve determined that you won’t ever have a need for that many. If you find yourself in a situation where you must carry bundles of money from one place to another, one suitcase will always be sufficient. But I also want to note that a sizable stash of cash can fit into a single suitcase. And it’s not out of the question that such a scenario could transpire for you in the coming months. In fact, I foresee a better chance for you to get richer quicker than I’ve seen in years.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) The birds known as winter wrens live in the Puget Sound area of Washington. They weigh barely half an ounce, and their plain brown coloring makes their appearance unremarkable. Yet they are the avian equivalents of the opera star Pavarotti. If they weighed as much as roosters, their call would be ten times as strong as the rooster’s cock-a-doodle-doo. Their melodies are rich and complex; one song may have more than 300 notes. When in peak form, the birds can unleash cascades at the rate of 36 notes per second. I propose that we make the winter wren your spirit animal in 2017, Pisces. To a casual observer, you may not look like you can generate so much virtuosity and lyrical power. But according to my analysis, you can.

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Homework Send me predictions for your life in 2017. Where are you headed? Go to RealAstrology.com; click on “Email Rob.”

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