Willamette Week, December 6, 2023 - Volume 50, Issue 4 - "Keep Calm and Date On"

WILLAMETTE WEEK PORTLAND’S NEWSWEEKLY

NEWS: OREGON WINTER: MUSIC: Portland Schools Marinate in One of Portland’s The Portland Prince Must Pay. P. 6 Soaking Pools. P. 22 of Power Pop. P. 38

“VERY NEW YORKER. THAT’S A COMPLIMENT.” P. 4

KEEP CALM AND

ILL

AM

ETTE WEEK’S

GIFT GUIDE

W

2023

PAGE 27

DATE ON Dispatches from the front lines of Portland dating.

PAGE 10

WWEEK.COM VOL 50/04 12 . 0 6 . 2 02 3

FINDINGS ALLISON BURR

JULIET, PAGE 11

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM READING THIS WEEK’S PAPER VOL. 50, ISSUE 04 Andrew Scott is already getting hate mail after reaching for the income tax kicker. 6 City officials ordered a former Sicilian pizza place razed. 7 The R.B. Pamplin Corp.’s pension plan recently held 52% of its assets in real estate. 9 There’s no better name for a non-monogamy life coach than Dynamite. 12 The pioneers of Portland speed dating met over a couch sale on Facebook Marketplace. 13 You can weed out the weaklings by making them bite into the Great Balls of Fire at Salvador Molly’s. 16 Suki’s isn’t the best place for a date night if you want to suck one another’s dessert forks. 18 Public displays of affection

ON THE COVER: Dating doesn’t have to be a chore: WW’s Dating Issue; illustration by Whitney McPhie.

are banned at Common Ground Wellness Cooperative. 22 A UV-light room at Santé Aesthetics & Wellness is designed to simulate a heated pebble beach. 23 You might spot an inflatable Grinch or a fishing Santa on the Willamette River this month. 35 Ryan Rupert looks like a very

fierce baby deer. 37

All the cool kids get schooled at the Kathmandu Jazz Conservatory. 38 The Ghost of Christmas Past

was a ’70s English prog-rocker.

39

Die by the hand of an evil ex and there might be a biopic about your precious little life.

40

OUR MOST TRAFFICKED STORY ONLINE THIS WEEK: Once again, Oregon cannabis farmers grew too much weed.

Masthead PUBLISHER

Anna Zusman

EDITORIAL

Donate now!

Managing Editor Aaron Mesh Arts & Culture Editor Andi Prewitt Assistant A&C Editor Bennett Campbell Ferguson Staff Writers Anthony Effinger Nigel Jaquiss Lucas Manfield Sophie Peel Rachel Saslow Copy Editors Matt Buckingham Jade Chan Editor Mark Zusman

WILLAMETTE WEEK IS PUBLISHED WEEKLY BY CITY OF ROSES MEDIA COMPANY

ART DEPARTMENT

Creative Director Whitney McPhie Graphic Designer Zena Kanes ADVERTISING

Advertising Media Coordinator Beans Flores Account Executives Michael Donhowe Maxx Hockenberry Content Marketing Manager Shannon Daehnke

P.O. Box 10770 Portland, OR 97296 Main line phone: (503) 243-2122 fax: (503) 296-2874 Classifieds phone: (503) 243-2122 fax: (503) 296-2874

COMMUNITY OUTREACH

Give!Guide & Friends of Willamette Week Executive Director Toni Tringolo G!G Campaign Assistant & FOWW Manager Josh Rentschler FOWW Membership Manager Madeleine Zusman Podcast Host Brianna Wheeler DISTRIBUTION

Circulation Director Skye Anfield

OPERATIONS

Manager of Information Services Brian Panganiban OUR MISSION

To provide Portlanders with an independent and irreverent understanding of how their worlds work so they can make a difference.

Though Willamette Week is free, please take just one copy.

Anyone removing papers in bulk from our distribution points will be prosecuted, as they say, to the full extent of the law.

Willamette Week welcomes freelance submissions.

Send material to either News Editor or Arts Editor.

Manuscripts will be returned if you include a selfaddressed, stamped envelope. To be considered for calendar listings, notice of events must be received in writing by noon Wednesday, two weeks before publication.

Questions concerning circulation or subscription inquiries should be directed to Skye Anfield at Willamette Week.

Postmaster: Send all address changes to Willamette Week, P.O. Box 10770, Portland, OR 97206.

Subscription rates: One year $130, six months $70. Back issues $5 for walk-ins, $8 for mailed requests when available.

Willamette Week is mailed at third-class rates.

Association of Alternative Newsmedia.

This newspaper is published on recycled newsprint using soy-based ink.

2

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

3

FINDINGS ALLISON BURR

JULIET, PAGE 11

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM READING THIS WEEK’S PAPER VOL. 50, ISSUE 04 Andrew Scott is already getting hate mail after reaching for the income tax kicker. 6 City officials ordered a former Sicilian pizza place razed. 7 The R.B. Pamplin Corp.’s pension plan recently held 52% of its assets in real estate. 9 There’s no better name for a non-monogamy life coach than Dynamite. 12 The pioneers of Portland speed dating met over a couch sale on Facebook Marketplace. 13 You can weed out the weaklings by making them bite into the Great Balls of Fire at Salvador Molly’s. 16 Suki’s isn’t the best place for a date night if you want to suck one another’s dessert forks. 18 Public displays of affection

ON THE COVER: Dating doesn’t have to be a chore: WW’s Dating Issue; illustration by Whitney McPhie.

are banned at Common Ground Wellness Cooperative. 22 A UV-light room at Santé Aesthetics & Wellness is designed to simulate a heated pebble beach. 23 You might spot an inflatable Grinch or a fishing Santa on the Willamette River this month. 35 Ryan Rupert looks like a very

fierce baby deer. 37

All the cool kids get schooled at the Kathmandu Jazz Conservatory. 38 The Ghost of Christmas Past

was a ’70s English prog-rocker.

39

Die by the hand of an evil ex and there might be a biopic about your precious little life.

40

OUR MOST TRAFFICKED STORY ONLINE THIS WEEK: Once again, Oregon cannabis farmers grew too much weed.

Masthead PUBLISHER

Anna Zusman

EDITORIAL

Donate now!

Managing Editor Aaron Mesh Arts & Culture Editor Andi Prewitt Assistant A&C Editor Bennett Campbell Ferguson Staff Writers Anthony Effinger Nigel Jaquiss Lucas Manfield Sophie Peel Rachel Saslow Copy Editors Matt Buckingham Jade Chan Editor Mark Zusman

WILLAMETTE WEEK IS PUBLISHED WEEKLY BY CITY OF ROSES MEDIA COMPANY

ART DEPARTMENT

Creative Director Whitney McPhie Graphic Designer Zena Kanes ADVERTISING

Advertising Media Coordinator Beans Flores Account Executives Michael Donhowe Maxx Hockenberry Content Marketing Manager Shannon Daehnke

P.O. Box 10770 Portland, OR 97296 Main line phone: (503) 243-2122 fax: (503) 296-2874 Classifieds phone: (503) 243-2122 fax: (503) 296-2874

COMMUNITY OUTREACH

Give!Guide & Friends of Willamette Week Executive Director Toni Tringolo G!G Campaign Assistant & FOWW Manager Josh Rentschler FOWW Membership Manager Madeleine Zusman Podcast Host Brianna Wheeler DISTRIBUTION

Circulation Director Skye Anfield

OPERATIONS

Manager of Information Services Brian Panganiban OUR MISSION

To provide Portlanders with an independent and irreverent understanding of how their worlds work so they can make a difference.

Though Willamette Week is free, please take just one copy.

Anyone removing papers in bulk from our distribution points will be prosecuted, as they say, to the full extent of the law.

Willamette Week welcomes freelance submissions.

Send material to either News Editor or Arts Editor.

Manuscripts will be returned if you include a selfaddressed, stamped envelope. To be considered for calendar listings, notice of events must be received in writing by noon Wednesday, two weeks before publication.

Questions concerning circulation or subscription inquiries should be directed to Skye Anfield at Willamette Week.

Postmaster: Send all address changes to Willamette Week, P.O. Box 10770, Portland, OR 97206.

Subscription rates: One year $130, six months $70. Back issues $5 for walk-ins, $8 for mailed requests when available.

Willamette Week is mailed at third-class rates.

Association of Alternative Newsmedia.

This newspaper is published on recycled newsprint using soy-based ink.

2

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

3

DIALOGUE What will become of 30 acres of farmland dotted by Oregon white oaks on the edge of Salem? That’s for the courts to decide as they adjudicate an inheritance feud among wealthy heirs to a potato chip fortune and their in-laws (“The Battle of Meyer Farm,” WW, Nov. 29). How much land does a homebuilder really need? That’s a wider policy battle in Oregon, and our readers had precious little love for land developers, who buy and sell this newspaper. (Just kidding—made you look!) Here’s what our readers had to say:

MICHAELM, VIA WWEEK.COM: “This seems a

clear-cut (intended) example of the misuse of a law intended for one thing (more affordable housing), but being twisted to create upscale expensive housing much more profitable for the developer.

“I fled Southern California for Oregon in 1978, so it especially pains me—as it did Tom McCall— to see profit-driven development ramping up their ability to destroy the natural beauty that has made Oregon so attractive to us immigrants for 170 years.

“And, yeah, I get that more people—like me—exacerbate the housing issue, but I am totally on board with increased density and maximizing green spaces. The idea of a Parker, Colorado-like abomination of five-bed/fivebath 5,000-square-foot homes on 5 acres, occupied by a family of three, is something I hope Oregonians will reject.”

TRUECONSERVATIVE001:

“It’s inside the urban growth boundary. Discussion over.”

EROSSTHESCIENCEBOSS, IN RESPONSE: “The article is pretty

clearly not about the UGB or the ethics of building on this lot. It’s about (1) family drama and (2) whether new changes to building regulations will make the proposed development bloated with high-cost poor-quality housing, and (3) if you really need to cut down the white oaks to do it (because under previous regulations that required planning committees), there might be more community input into what trees to save.

“But we’d all rather complain about what we perceive the story to be than what it really is.

“I recommend actually finishing the article. Partly because it’s well reported and very informative, but mostly for the potato-chip drama.”

RANDOM_WALK, VIA TWITTER: “Kotek’s urge to

pander to fat-cat donors will always (ALWAYS!) outweigh an adherence to principles. See also nearly every union in Oregon with a big checkbook.

“P.S. I am curious as to how more cookie-cutter $750K

Dr. Know

BY MARTY SMITH @martysmithxxx Here in the heart of Christmas tree-growing country, is it more environmentally friendly to buy a tree that’s already been felled, or to single out a specimen to die while supporting a tree farm that doesn’t cut unnecessarily?

—Christmas Conundrum The most environmentally friendly thing any of us can do, Conundrum, is kill ourselves before we’ve had a chance to reproduce. However, since you’re in the market for a Christmas tree, I’m guessing that damage is already done. Any further climate-jockeying you might try is just frittering around the margins (at least until it becomes legal to spay and neuter your schoolage children), so you should just do whatever’s convenient.

Your phrase “single out a specimen to die” seems designed to discourage visits to the Christmas tree farm by convincing youngsters that such a trip would combine the most depressing parts of Sophie’s Choice and A Charlie Brown Christmas, so I’m guessing you’d rather buy a tree off the nearest lot. That’s fine—and don’t worry too much about prefelled trees being “cut unnecessarily.” It’s true that some number of cut trees (8%, by one 4

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

McMansions will magically alleviate housing concerns…”

SANDY, VIA WWEEK.COM: “It’s

not as if lower-income people are going to be able to live in any of the homes built in this dreamedof Salem suburb. Destroying the Meyer farm for another bunch of tract houses and releasing a gazillion tons of carbon those oaks are sequestering is a bad, bad deal for all. If the Meyer Trust wants to sell that land, Salem could make a deal and add it to the park next door.

“We need AFFORDABLE homes, and for those who are truly at the bottom, who are living on the streets, there is no way they have the resources needed to maintain a single-family home.

“As we all learn when we buy our first house, you need a hefty slush fund to live in your own house. Furnaces break, pipes and, even worse, roofs leak! etc.

“If the rules are to be relaxed, it should only apply to building what we are desperate for: lowincome apartment buildings, going vertical, mostly subsidized.

What we really could use is some well-done public housing.

Cutting those trees and building those houses isn’t going to get those tents off the sidewalks.”

PORTLAND_D, VIA WWEEK.COM: “The writer did

a good job on this. Very New Yorker. That’s a compliment.”

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

must include the author's street address and phone number for verification. Letters must be 250 or fewer words.

Submit to: P.O. Box 10770, Portland, OR 97296 Email: mzusman@wweek.com

rough estimate) go unsold. But so what? From the environment’s point of view, there’s very little difference between an unused tree that gets mulched Dec. 26 and a used one that gets mulched Feb. 1.

You can make a (slightly) stronger environmental argument against going to a tree farm since there’s driving involved. But let’s be honest: If you weren’t driving to the farm, you’d be driving somewhere else— Costco, Grandma’s, wherever. Once you’ve decided that driving in the name of family entertainment is acceptable, you may as well make a day of it.

This brings up an often-overlooked alternative for sourcing your tree: walking onto some random piece of public land and cutting one down yourself! I know this sounds like one of my fake suggestions, like putting a meth lab in your butt or whatever, but I swear, this one is real. Trees under 15 feet increase wildfire risk, so the Forest Service is happy to let you harvest one in exchange for a $5 license fee.

(Google “Christmas tree permit.”)

Once your family has committed to this adventure, you can use the trip as a springboard for further disgustingly wholesome activities, like sledding, snowball fights or even—God help us—caroling. That’s what building memories is all about! (Still, better you than me.)

Questions? Send them to dr.know@wweek.com.

MURMURS

••••

••••

•

BRIAN BROSE

A T R E A LRBO S ER E T A •••• E H T WORLDOREGON’S international speaker series

DEC 12

MASIH ALINEJAD THE WIND IN MY HAIR

The Fight for Women, Life, Freedom in Iran

DEC 20

SUSHEELA JAYAPAL 3RD CONGRESSIONAL DISTRICT R ACE HEATS UP: State Rep. Maxine Dexter (D-Portland) officially entered the race to succeed U.S. Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-Ore.) on Dec. 5, which also happened to be Dexter’s 51st birthday. A Kaiser Permanente pulmonologist and chair of the House Committee on Housing and Homelessness now in her second term, Dexter will compete with Gresham City Councilor Eddy Morales and former Multnomah County Commissioner Susheela Jayapal to succeed Blumenauer, who will retire after 14 terms. Also on Dec. 5, the website Jewish Insider published an article speculating that pro-Israel political action committees could spend heavily to defeat Jayapal, who, like her sister, U.S. Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D-Wash.), has been less supportive of Israel than the lobby would like. A recent flashpoint: Jayapal’s refusal to sign a Multnomah County Board of Commissioners statement strongly condemning Hamas and supporting Israel in the wake of Hamas’ Oct. 7 attack. Jayapal told Jewish Insider she’s doing her best to navigate a complicated situation, explaining, “my views then and now are largely shaped by my conversations with Jewish community members in Multnomah County.”

RENE GONZALEZ WILL VIE FOR MAYOR: City Commissioner Rene Gonzalez will announce his bid this week to become Portland’s next mayor, according to three sources familiar with his plans.

He joins fellow commissioner Mingus Mapps, who announced this fall his intention to run. Meanwhile, on Dec. 4, Commissioner Dan Ryan announced he would not seek the mayoral seat, though he alluded to running for another elected office. (Mayor Ted Wheeler is not running for reelection.) All expectant eyes now fall on Commissioner Carmen Rubio, who is rumored to be strongly considering a mayoral run.

Rubio, the most progressive member of the current City Council, has curried favor with the business community in recent months with her efforts to fix the city’s construction permitting process.

LA MOTA VACATES LONGTIME PROCESSING FACILITY: Cannabis chain La Mota continues to falter in Oregon, recently shutting down one of its newest Portland stores and vacating the facility where it processed most of its dabs, vapes and extracts. La Mota’s lease at the 10,000-square-foot warehouse in Northeast Portland, where it created most of its products, expired last summer; at the end of November, according to the landlord, La Mota left the building and removed all its extraction equipment. By now you know La Mota’s story: Its founders, Aaron Mitchell and Rosa Cazares, became prominent Democratic donors in Oregon in recent years, piled up tax liens and lawsuits, and hired Oregon Secretary of State Shemia Fagan for a consulting job—until a WW report of her moonlighting forced her resignation. It’s unclear whether Mitchell and Cazares have found a new processing facility; associates say they aren’t sure of the couple’s whereabouts. The departure is

likely to be a significant blow to the company and its various product brands, including Nuggies, Disco Dabs, Caked and Dab Society. Without an extraction facility, those products are impossible to make. Meanwhile, Nuggies, a dispensary the couple opened just this spring in Northeast Portland’s Cully neighborhood, recently shut down.

OREGON IN THE DARK ON DRUGS: Policy wonks and politicians are weighing whether Oregon should recriminalize drug possession or otherwise tweak Measure 110, but they’re working with incomplete data because the Oregon Health Authority has not produced a report it had promised after a January audit by the Secretary of State’s Office. The audit of the 2020 measure concluded that a “lack of clarity” about roles and responsibilities for drug treatment had “contributed to delays, confusion, and strained relations” between OHA and the volunteer Oversight and Accountability Council, which awards more than $100 million annually in cannabis tax revenue to recovery organizations, with help from OHA. More broadly, auditors wrote, “without sufficient data collection and reporting, it will be impossible to effectively measure the outcomes and effectiveness of M110.” Prodded by auditors to remedy that, OHA agreed to “publish a plan by September 2023 for how the M110 program integrates into the overall behavioral health system in Oregon.” That report is overdue. Spokesman Dean Carson says OHA is working on two studies of the behavioral health system that will be completed by next summer. He didn’t say if either was the study that OHA committed to doing back in January. “State health officials look forward to sharing preliminary data in coming weeks,” Carson says in an email. The report would have come in handy this week as the Oregon Legislature’s Joint Interim Committee on Addiction and Community Safety Response mulls whether to amend Measure 110 when lawmakers meet in February. Critics, many of whom blame the measure for an uptick in brazen fentanyl use on Portland’s streets, have filed ballot initiatives to overturn it if legislators don’t act.

PORTLAND POLICE BUREAU SEEKS A TASER UPGRADE: Mayor Ted Wheeler’s office is asking the Portland City Council to approve an estimated $3.4 million contract to upgrade cops’ Tasers. The current model has been discontinued, the bureau says, and isn’t compatible with the bureau’s new body-worn cameras, which must start recording when a police officer draws a weapon, per the city’s new policy approved earlier this year. The bureau plans to upgrade to the Model 7, which, like cops’ current Tasers and the body-worn cameras, is manufactured

by Axon. This is the second multimillion-dollar Axon purchase to come before the City Council in the past week. The council approved a contract with Axon worth up to $2.6 million to purchase the body-worn cameras Nov. 29. The U.S. Department of Justice has previously criticized the bureau for excessive Taser use against people with mental illness.

DEC 21

A BURLY CAROL a Burlesque tale inspired by A Christmas Carol

3 Leg Torso presents

DEC 22 DEC 23

THE ELVISES OF FROSTLÄND

+ Pepe Raphael | Jet Black Pearl The Amazing Bubble Man | Chervona DEC 29

DEC 30

DRUNK HERSTORY

ELTON DAN & THE ROCKET BAND

a tribute to ELTON JOHN

DEC 31

NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY! JAN 10

UPCOMING SHOWS

•••••••••••••

1/12 - DAPPERLESQUE 1/17 - NELLIE MCKAY 1/19-21 - DARK SIDE : A PIECE FOR ASSORTED LUNATICS LOVE GIGANTIC CELEBRATES PINK FLOYD 1/25-26 - JUDY BLUE EYES - CSN TRIBUTE

MEMBERS OF THE NOWHERE BAND W/ CSN GUITARIST JEFF PEVAR

1/27 - MAY ERLEWINE

•••••

albertarosetheatre.com

3000 NE Alberta • 503.764.4131 Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

5

BRIAN BROSE

NEWS

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS WEEK

BUDGET MINDED

Cutting Class How can Portland Public Schools afford its new teacher contract?

With these taxes and layoffs.

BY R AC H E L S A S L OW r s a s l o w @ w w e e k . c o m

The first rule of Portland Public Schools budget cuts: Don’t call them budget cuts.

“We refer to it as a ‘gap,’” says Will Howell, a PPS spokesman.

So, the school district faces a $130 million gap because of the labor contract it signed last week with the Portland Association of Teachers—an agreement that was largely a tremendous victory for educators. Now the district will need to find $10 million in savings this school year, $41 million next year, and $79 million the year after that.

That last number assumes that school funding remains flat; it could change depending on what, if anything, happens on the May 2024 ballot and at the spring 2025 session of the Oregon Legislature.

But at least one official is saying the C-word.

“The size of the cuts we need to make are going to require cuts to direct services,” Portland School Board member Andrew Scott says.

The district will likely find the $130 million in the following places, starting with your wallet: TAXES

Some of the cost of the PAT contract could be passed along to Portland taxpayers. In 1999, the Oregon Legislature granted school districts the right to present voters with property taxes, known as local option levies, but placed a cap on the tax rate.

Portland voters have reliably renewed a local option levy for schools every five years, which pays for about a quarter of the district’s teachers. The current tax rate is $1.99 per $1,000 of assessed value.

Scott and a few parent and teacher advocates went to Salem last legislative session to ask unsuccessfully for the cap to be raised.

Five months and one nasty teachers’ strike ago, the idea of increasing the amount of the levy polled at 64% of voters in favor, according to Scott: “a remarkable number when you’re talking about increasing taxes in an already too-high taxed jurisdiction,” he says. He and fellow board member Julia Brim-Edwards acknowledge that public sentiment may have changed since then.

“That would be a tax increase, and that would be a more challenging conversation with voters than a simple renewal,” Brim-Edwards says.

Scott is also eyeing the state’s income tax kicker, the rebate of unexpected revenue that remains popular with voters who get it. (He mentioned the idea at a Nov. 28 public hearing, and the hate emails have already begun, Scott says.) Sending some of the kicker to schools and raising the levy cap, along with other lobbying in Salem, is “the fight that we should have been having all along,” he adds.

ADMINISTRATIVE CUTS

Portland Public Schools spends about $60 million annually on administration—accounting, payroll, legal counsel, human resources, information technology and more—out of its approximately $877 million annual operating budget, Howell says.

This is the area where the teachers’ union suggests the district could save some coin: “PPS can…find savings in administration, central office management, and outside contracts—and from 6

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

their general fund balance, which has grown year after year,” PAT president Angela Bonilla tells WW. Scott disagrees and thinks PPS administration is already lean. A 20% cut to admin would mean an additional $12 million a year—“but I think families would feel it,” he says.

The district’s communications team is also targeted by the union. PPS has a comms team of nine, with an annual budget of about $2.3 million.

The school district could also examine out-of-state travel, conference attendance, subscriptions, HEAR US ROAR: A Nov. 15 Portland Association of Teachers rally. and freezing senior administrator salaries, Brim-Edwards says—all those expenses are part of the adminApril, the School Board votes on it in May, and it’s formally adopted in June. istrative budget and cutting them, she says, is on the table.

With a contract this size—$175 million over three years—union TEACHER LAYOFFS leaders rolled the dice that the district could afford it without One way to make the contract pencil out is to pay teachers more cuts to their ranks. “It’s a calculated risk that they’re taking, and but employ fewer of them. That makes some sense, given that we’ll see how it plays out,” Scott says.

PPS is losing students.

Before the pandemic, nearly 47,000 children attended Portland Public Projected Portland Public Schools Cuts Schools and the district employed about 3,400 teachers, according to the district. Those numbers stood at about 43,000 students and 3,600 teachers for the 2022-23 school year.

Those numbers are crucial because funding follows the students—each child walks into the classroom with a figurative dollar sign over their head.

Brim-Edwards says the school district already started reducing the number of classroom teachers during the last budget cycle through attrition, in response to enrollment declines.

(Despite the three-year numbers that reflect an increase in teachers, the district projects it will end this school year down 100 educators.)

The budget process to try and fill the “gap” formally begins early next year when the district asks families and staff for feedback. Superintendent Guadalupe Guerrero proposes a budget in Source: Portland Public Schools

NEWS or demolish the building in a timely manner.

Eppley chose to repair it and began working with engineers and contractors, Portland Bureau of Development Services spokesman Ken Ray says in an email.

But the repair work stalled, triggering a timeline for tearing it down, Ray says.

“BDS is pursuing a contract for demolition of the building,” he says. “I am told that at this point, the property owner is ‘racing the city to demolish the building.’ If the property owner can demolish the building, they will avoid additional civil penalties.”

Visit the property and you’ll see no signs of urgency. Little has happened since Eppley took down the unstable bricks along the east façade. Taggers have added more graffiti and some trash has accumulated, but nothing has been repaired.

When she removed the bricks, Eppley stacked them in front of a slumping bungalow just south on 28th that’s owned by Tillamook Holdings LLC, an entity controlled by Eppley that’s in about the same shape as its larger neighbor.

Property records indicate Eppley’s trust and LLC either inherited or bought the properties from her Hungarian-born mother and father, Elizabeth and Joseph Boczki, who, according to a paid obituary in The Oregonian, “built a real estate business together over the years in Portland and enjoyed life to the fullest.”

Tear Down The owner of a dilapidated charmer on Alberta Street has run out of time.

ADDRESS: 2734-2738 NE Alberta St. YEAR BUILT: 1908 SQUARE FOOTAGE: 4,748 MARKET VALUE: $1.5 million OWNER: A trust controlled by Erzsebet Eppley HOW LONG IT’S BEEN EMPTY: 9 years WHY IT’S EMPTY: So many reasons It’s been more than a year since the stately but decrepit two-story building at Northeast 28th Avenue and Alberta Street started dropping bricks onto the sidewalk.

Yet the property remains fenced, forcing people to walk in the street on the south side of busy Alberta and the east side of less-trafficked 28th. That’s because the owner, a trust controlled by a woman named Erzsebet Eppley, hasn’t finished repairs that would make the building—and the block—safe again.

Eppley, reached by phone, says that’s mostly because there aren’t enough contractors in post-pandemic Portland to do the work.

“The issues are labor shortages, money shortages, conflicts of interest, and difficulties with access and prioritizing,” Eppley says. “Everybody has to be available.”

The city, it appears, has finally lost patience with Eppley. Earlier this year, it issued an order that allowed Eppley to repair

ANTHONY EFFINGER

ADDRESS: 2734-2738 NE Alberta St. CHASING GHOSTS YEAR BUILT: 1917

FINAL DAYS: This relic on Northeast Alberta Street is set for demolition.

The last time the building on Alberta had a tenant was in 2014, when a Sicilian pizza place called Al Forno Ferruzza closed after a five-year run.

At the time, owner Stephen Ferruzza said he had to close because a pipe burst and the landlord didn’t act in time to prevent an “excessive mold buildup” that “rendered the building unsafe for our workers and customers.” A N T H O N Y E F F I N G E R .

Every week, WW examines one mysteriously vacant property in the city of Portland, explains why it’s empty, and considers what might arrive there next. Send addresses to newstips@ wweek.com.

CLOCKED

Still Hoping A year after Brown Hope’s board suspended Cameron Whitten, a DOJ investigation remains incomplete.

DATE: Dec. 7, 2022 WHAT HAPPENED THEN: The board of Brown Hope, a local AARON LEE

CAMERON WHITTEN

social justice nonprofit that aims to help Black Portlanders, placed founder and CEO Cameron Whitten on administrative leave following explosive allegations from inside the organization.

A 4,600-word whistleblower letter to Brown Hope’s board alleged Whitten created a “toxic” workplace for the nonprofit’s employees and accused Whitten of misogyny and emotional abuse. The document also accused Whitten of regularly using and encouraging others to use ayahuasca, a psychoactive drug, and pushing employees to engage in spiritual practices against their will.

Whitten denied any wrongdoing.

The document further alleged that Whitten, 32, gave himself a $20,000 raise without board approval and that the board had not met for 14 months. (Upon receiving the letter, the board convened a Dec. 14, 2022, special meeting when it lifted Whitten’s suspension and voted to add two new members.)

The controversy came on the eve of Brown Hope’s largest-ever initiative. The nonprofit was on the verge of launching a guaranteed basic income pilot program for 25 needy Black families.

The plan was to give the families up to $2,000 a month for three years through what it called the Black Resilience Fund.

But Brown Hope, which Whitten founded in 2018 and, according to its tax return, had revenue of about $3.7 million last year, put the program on hold following the whistleblower’s complaint. After WW’s initial report on that document, the Oregon Department of Justice, which oversees nonprofits, launched an investigation of Brown Hope.

WHAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE: Nearly a year later, that

probe remains unfinished.

In July, Brown Hope’s former chief operating officer, Brondalyn Coleman, filed a lawsuit against Brown Hope and Whitten in Multnomah County Circuit Court. In her complaint, Coleman repeated many of the previous allegations against Whitten and added the charge that he required her to file a false tax return.

(The return that Brown Hope filed in February of this year showed the nonprofit paid Whitten a salary of $119,000.) The lawsuit is still pending.

In its response to Coleman’s allegations, Brown Hope accused her of unauthorized credit card expenditures, which Coleman’s attorney says the Oregon Employment Department found to be untrue. On its website, Brown Hope says it began distributing money to the 25 families from the Black Resilience Fund in January. But it also says the organization raised just $48,163 of its $500,000 goal for this year.

WHAT DOES DOJ SAY? In response to why it’s taking so long to finish the investigation of Brown Hope, DOJ spokesman Roy Kaufmann pointed a finger at the organization. Kaufmann says two circumstances beyond the department’s control have dragged out the work: “There have been delays related to the organization’s change in legal counsel and in the organization’s provision of requested information.”

WHAT DOES BROWN HOPE SAY? Neither Whitten nor Brown Hope’s attorney, Leah Lively of the law firm Buchalter, responded to WW’s requests for comment. N I G E L J AQ U I S S .

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

7

H OLIDAY

Gifts

for everyone on your list

Find the perfect present for everyone on your list this holiday season at Kitchen Kaboodle with our unparalleled selection of gifts, ranging from charming local finds to the most sought-after iconic brands.

NE PORTLAND STORE NE 16th & Broadway 503-288-1500 SW PORTLAND STORE SW Hall Blvd. & Scholls Ferry 503-643-5491

FOR KITCHEN

NW PORTLAND STORE NW 23rd & Burnside 503-241-4040 ORENCO STATION, HILLSBORO Cornell Road at NE 61st 503-846-1515

FOR HOME

FOR GIFT

YOUR FACE. OUR FOCUS. Facial injectables are our focus.

Yo u r c o n f i d e n c e i s o u r p a s s i o n .

I g n i t e s e l f - l o v e a t S k i n b y L o v e l y.

Schedule your free consultation today

skinbylovely.com | 877 568 3594 C A M A S 8

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

|

L A K E

O S W E G O

|

P O R T L A N D

NEWS BRIAN BURK

WATERFRONT PROPERTY: In 2019, Ross Island Sand & Gravel sold the Pamplin pension fund a mothballed concrete plant on the Willamette River for $4.8 million.

Walking on Water

New documents show Robert Pamplin Jr.’s risky pension machinations have gotten worse.

BY N I G E L J AQ U I S S n j a q u i s s @ w w e e k . c o m

Matters appear to have gotten significantly worse inside the pension plan long overseen by one of Oregon’s most storied business leaders.

According to recently submitted but still incomplete filings with the U.S. Department of Labor, the R.B. Pamplin Corporation and Subsidiaries Pension Plan and Trust held 52% of its assets in real estate at the end of 2022—up from 36% at the end of 2021.

That’s more than five times the maximum the Labor Department allows. The agency also requires that any real estate a pension fund owns be bought in an arm’s-length transaction, and have multiple uses.

None of that is true for the real estate now held for the benefits of retirees from Pamplin’s various companies.

WW first reported on Pamplin’s unusual real estate transactions last year (“Trader Bob,” Feb. 23, 2022) and later explored the ramifications of several additional sales, including Ross Island, to the pension fund.

Pension experts say it is inappropriate for a pension fund to hold so much real estate, and to have that real estate come from R.B. Pamplin Corp. operating companies.

In 26 separate transactions in 2022, however, Pamplin companies sold real estate to the pension plan, which by law makes investments solely for the benefit of 2,117 current and future retirees.

Both R.B. Pamplin Corp. and its pension fund have long been run by the same man: Robert B. Pamplin Jr. The federal Department of Labor, which oversees pension funds, generally prohibits companies from selling or contributing

real estate to affiliated pension plans, DOL spokesman Michael Petersen, previously told WW. When asked about the legality of Pamplin’s latest pension activities, Petersen said he could not comment. Pamplin officials did not respond to questions.

The feds frown on companies selling property to related pension funds because such transactions can create a conflict of interest between buyer and seller, and may saddle the pension fund (and retirees who depend on income from that fund) with risky, illiquid assets. The unor underused industrial real estate that now makes up the majority of Pamplin pension assets seems to fit that description.

In addition, many companies’ pension funds are overseen by independent managers whose job is to look out for the best interests of beneficiaries. But Pamplin is chairman and CEO of R.B. Pamplin Corp. as well as the sole trustee of its pension fund.

Since 2018, records show, Pamplin’s companies have systematically sold real estate to the pension fund for his retirees, raising more than $60 million for his operating companies through more than 70 separate transactions.

(Prior to 2018, records show, the pension fund didn’t hold any real estate.)

Pension experts WW has consulted find the sales extraordinary.

“I can’t think of a single employee benefits or tax lawyer or accountant that could persuasively argue that these transactions are customary or legally appropriate. They are not,” says James Ambrose, a longtime Portland pension lawyer. “They are highly, highly unusual and unquestionably direct violations of the statutes, regulations and case law that govern pensions.…

To say that the plan sponsor [Pamplin] is on thin ice would be a massive understatement. They are attempting to walk on water.”

For decades, Robert B. Pamplin Jr., 82, operated in the shadow of his father, the late Robert B. Pamplin Sr. The elder Pamplin grew thenPortland-based Georgia Pacific into one of the nation’s largest timber companies and also built one of the largest privately held textile manufacturers in the United States. He also ran Ross Island Sand & Gravel.

Pamplin Sr. had one child, Robert Jr., who took over the business and diversified into Christian music publishing and a string of radio stations (subsequently sold), a winery, and even 24 newspapers (the Pamplin Media Group).

But as WW has previously reported, R.B. Pamplin Corp.’s businesses are sputtering.

Based on an examination of lawsuits seeking payment, unpaid taxes, liens and other indications, the fortune that once placed Pamplin Jr. on the Forbes list of the 400 wealthiest Americans appears greatly diminished.

Some recent examples: • On Aug. 17, Pacific Fence and Wire filed a contractor’s lien for $153,000 for work completed in June. The company erected a fence around the headquarters of one of R.B. Pamplin Corp.’s most visible assets, Ross Island Sand & Gravel at 4315 SE McLoughlin Blvd., but didn’t get paid.

(Pacific Fence did not respond to a request for comment.)

• On Sept. 15, R.B. Pamplin Corp. sold the company’s Milwaukie headquarters to Clackamas County for $11 million. The sale allowed it to pay off a $184,000 property tax bill—but not some other creditors.

• On that same day, an attorney for the International Union of Operating

Engineers Local 701 recorded a judgment against Ross Island Sand & Gravel for $368,000.

James Anderson, the business manager for IUOE Local 701, whose members work on Ross Island and at Ross Island Sand & Gravel’s California dredging operations, has sued Ross Island repeatedly for failure to pay workers their contractual benefits.

In order to get the money his members are owed, Anderson says, he’s resorted to garnishing the rent the city of Portland pays to Ross Island Sand & Gravel to use of the company’s McLoughlin Boulevard headquarters. (Portland Parks & Recreation uses the property for a maintenance yard.)

“We’ve been getting checks every month from that,” Anderson says, “but they still owe us money.”

Ross Island still owes Multnomah County money as well: Records show unpaid property taxes on the company headquarters currently stand at $118,000.

The struggles at R.B. Pamplin Corp. may have led Pamplin to the strategy of selling unwanted real estate to the pension fund. Doing so provided a steady stream of cash at a time the American textile industry struggled and Pamplin’s local businesses did as well.

Pamplin’s pension filings for 2022 remain incomplete and do not yet include full details of more than two dozen additional sales of property to the pension fund last year. An examination of some of the deeds from those sales shows an odd pattern: the sale of partial interests in larger properties.

On May 10, 2022, for instance, R.B. Pamplin Corp. sold a 15% interest in a parcel of land to the pension fund for $241,500. It earlier sold the derelict Ross Island itself to the pension fund in four separate parcels for $10.8 million.

That sale stunned knowledgeable sources.

“The pension fund will be in a tough situation if they seek to sell the property for anywhere near $10.8 million, so any profit is highly unlikely, which of course is the point of such an investment,” says Travis Williams of Willamette Riverkeeper. “If an appraisal exists for the property, I’d love to see it.”

Throughout 2022, Pamplin Corp. and its subsidiaries made similar partial sales, leaving the pension fund with a portfolio stuffed with illiquid assets. The risk: The pension fund could no more sell such partial properties than it could sell half a dog.

Ambrose says the unusual, partial sales give the appearance R.B. Pamplin Corp is using the fund as a bank.

“Siphoning off cash from the plan for the benefit of plan sponsor appears to be taking place,” Ambrose says.

Pamplin officials have previously explained that the operating companies lease properties back from the pension fund. The new filings support that claim, but Ambrose says that’s also a risky strategy: The operating companies are financially shaky and therefore poor credit risks. (The pension fund distributes about $9 million in retirement benefits annually.)

Real estate isn’t the only asset R.B. Pamplin Corp. is selling.

Newspaper industry sources say the Pamplin Media Group is also shopping its two dozen publications, most of which are clustered in the tri-county area. Cribb, Greene & Potts, a Montana brokerage firm reportedly involved in the potential sale, did not respond to a request for comment.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

9

KEEP CALM AND DATE ON Dispatches from the front lines of Portland dating.

10

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

If you want to experience the ecstasy and agony of dating

in Portland in 2023, Rose City Coffee Co. is a good place to start.

Located a few blocks south of the Aladdin Theater, the sprawling coffee shop hosts several speeddating events each month, serving as a human merry-go-round for singles who chat in 10-minute increments, texting M for “match” if they’re into the other person.

Then comes 24 hours of waiting to see if the event produced any mutual matches. Finding out you were successful leaves you feeling desired, exhilarated and sometimes surprised. Finding out that you weren’t? Let’s just say that the doldrums of dating apps look pretty delightful when you’ve been rejected by a whole roomful of people.

If you think that’s an overly pessimistic welcome to our Dating Issue…well, you’re probably in a relationship. Out here, it’s bleak, my friend. Being single was already challenging before 2020, the halcyon age when we worried “only” about cyberstalking, fake profiles or being ghosted. And then what happened? Oh yeah: a global pandemic.

COVID-19 first made in-person dating an impossibility, then an improbability. As more and more workplaces have shifted to hybrid and remote schedules, singles have been asking where the heck they’re supposed to meet people. Blind dates are out of style, apps often lead to dead ends, and bar flirtations become a minefield when much of Gen Z perceives How I Met Your Mother’s “Have you met Ted?” game as a form of sexual harassment.

WW can’t solve the dating crisis any more than a right-wing columnist can convince college students to get hitched and move to the ’burbs. But we do have perspectives and advice that might make dating these days less daunting.

Maybe you want more romantic partners? We break down the basics of polyamory (page 12). Want less turbulence in your love life? We examined whether the resurgence in matchmaking might do the trick (page 14). Plus, playwright Mikki Gillette interviews nine trans Portlanders about their dating stories (page 11), and we hear from Joe Gydosh and Michelle Sky (page 13), who founded the speeddating service Luvvly out of frustration with apps like Tinder (and now host those white-knuckle coffee klatches in the Brooklyn neighborhood). Once you’ve decided on your dating strategy, we’ll remove another anxiety by giving you six perfect first-date spots to take your new sweetie (page 15).

Above all, we’re telling you: Keep your chin up. As you search for the one (or multiple ones), it’s easy to get discouraged. But new rules and methods haven’t changed the purpose of dating: connection with another person. That’s the reason we keep dating and the purpose of this guide. In the timeless words of Daniel Johnson, only if you’re looking will love find you. —Bennett Campbell Ferguson, Assistant Arts & Culture Editor

Rules Don’t Apply ALLISON BARR

Nine trans Portlanders share their dating experiences in the Rose City.

BY M I K K I G I L L E T T E

Mikki Gillette is a trans woman playwright in Portland. Her most recent local show is They Them Their. Read more of her work at mikkigillette.com.

It wasn’t so long ago that having inadvertently dated a trans person was a go-to punchline for hack comedians and sitcom writers, and “minefield” was the image most commonly used by trans folks when describing their experiences on dating apps or meeting people IRL. What’s dating like in Portland for trans people today, though, nearly 10 years past the media-proclaimed Transgender Tipping Point? To learn, I reached out to some people I know. Every trans experience is different, of course, but hopefully this provides a diverse snapshot of where things stand here in the Rose City.

The biggest theme I heard in my interviews was sadness verging on frustration and fear about cis folks’ lack of understanding regarding trans bodies and identities. Cosmo, a transmasc nonbinary person, for instance, chooses only to date within the trans community, saying, “I have never been a woman, nor have I acted in ways that are expected of women, but in my relationships with cis people, my way of existing feels more like a rebellion. Other trans people just get a fundamental part of my experience.”

Similarly, Hazel, a trans woman, said she stays off apps to avoid harassment and “chasers” (cis men who fetishize trans femmes).

Juliet

Cosmo

She dates in the community because “trans people are just hotter than cis people. Also, there’s significantly less risk with other trans people.”

T4T—trans for trans—dating wasn’t a universal approach among the folks I spoke with, though. Gavin, a trans man, says he avoids the practice because, while “being understood is lovely...there is only so much shared trauma that one relationship can handle.”

About two-thirds of the people I spoke with are polyamorous.

To Juliet, a trans woman, this feels nearly inevitable. “It’s pretty hard to date and be monogamous and queer in Portland,” she says.

“Queer Portland is basically one giant polycule with different branches.”

Even some of those who didn’t view themselves as poly expressed an openness toward it. As Darling, a trans woman, put it: “My ideal dating situation isn’t poly, but I wouldn’t expect a relationship to be monogamous from the word go. It’s OK to go on dates and figure stuff out.”

While Hazel avoids apps, the majority of folks I interviewed use them, though not without trepidation. As a transmasc nonbinary person who asked to remain anonymous says: “Dating apps rely so much on first impressions and visual appearance. As an early-transition trans person, I end up matching with people who assume my gender incorrectly and then unmatch me as soon as they read my bio. It’s frustrating.”

The people I interviewed shared a picture of dating that’s become more fluid than we generally see depicted in culture. One transmasc nonbinary person who also wished to remain anonymous said: “A lot of my trans friends are more willing to push into traditionally romantic territory with each other while still being friends. I’ve been within groups that flirt near constantly, cuddle, and kiss each other on a sometimes-daily basis. What I’ve seen is hard to put any sort of label on.”

Similarly, Darling says: “Navigating different engagements along asexual and demisexual lines is complex. If you want a relationship and sex, it can sometimes be a game of finding out who just wants one and what someone expects from the other.”

When I asked what he’d like to see change in dating, Trey, a trans man, answered, “For our bodies to be seen as desired and worthy of safe, romantic, intimate, and sexual experiences and not seen as fetish or a taboo experience. We are humans.”

The response I received that left me the most hopeful came from Ezra, a trans man, who argued that dating while trans isn’t really that different from dating as cis. “Either way, we are just people trying to see and be seen, and touch and be touched, with care and compassion,” he says. “It should be the standard to consider your partner as a holistic being with their own agency and love. I want cis people to experience love just as beautiful and complex as I’ve been able to find with other trans people.”

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

11

ABeginner’sGuidetoPolyamory Don’t know EMN from swinging? We’re here to help you figure out what form of non-monogamy could be right for you.

BY A N N E T T E B E N E D E T T I

At some point, every single person wonders, what would it be like to date more than one person at a time?

Portlanders are no exception. The city’s dating scene is witnessing a surge in individuals exploring relationships with multiple partners. Folks navigating an ever-shifting dating landscape are pursuing ethical non-monogamy (ENM) and polyamory, which are shedding their reputation as taboo topics that inspire giggles and raised eyebrows.

As sleepless singles navigate late-night swipes, the question arises: Is non-monogamy the missing puzzle piece in the quest for connection? WW spoke to life coach Christina Dynamite and professional counselor Andrea Aragon, who specialize in non-monogamous relationships, to help people across Portland find the answer.

Defining Ethical Non-Monogamy

It might sound obvious, but the first step to discovering if non-monogamy is right for you is understanding what it is. Dynamite says ENM describes relationships in which individuals can consensually and openly date others, with honesty about their romantic and sexual involvements.

These relationships may or may not include romance, sex and involvement with each other’s partners. “ENM serves as an umbrella term encompassing various relationship types, including monogamish, polyamory and swinging,” explains Dynamite.

Signs Non-Monogamy Might Be Right for You

According to Dynamite, if you are reentering the dating world or exploring new relationship dynamics, the following are signs that non-monogamy might align with your relationship goals: 1. While casually dating, you find yourself developing feelings for more than one person and questioning the need to choose.

2. You value your autonomy as a top priority, but desire committed and connected romantic relationships with multiple partners.

3. You often feel constrained or trapped in traditional monogamous relationships but still seek meaningful connections.

Considerations Before Embracing Non-Monogamy

If some or all the signs resonate with your relationship goals, Aragon says, there are three important things to evaluate about yourself before jumping into the ENM dating pool.

1. The Authenticity of Your Interest: Make sure that your desire for non-monogamy is self-driven, not influenced by external pressures. “If you are partnered and unhappy, then non-monogamy is not going to fix that or make it better,” Aragon says. “If trying ENM feels like self-abandonment, it probably is.”

2. Evaluate Your Relationship Aptitude: Assess your interpersonal skills and confidence in managing relationships. Positive indicators include amicable relationships 12

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

with ex-partners, and the ability to connect with diverse individuals. Successful long-term relationships with friends and family, and job stability indicate effective communication, problem-solving, empathy, patience, open-mindedness and humor—all of which come in handy when engaged in ENM relationships.

3. Assess Your Confidence and Bravery: Self-confidence and bravery are essential for navigating the challenges of ENM and dating. Non-monogamy often involves increased rejection and demands an ability to be honest about wants, feelings and boundaries. Creative thinking is crucial as you explore unconventional paths, requiring courage in trial and error. Comfort with discomfort signifies readiness for the non-monogamous journey.

Common Myths About Non-Monogamy

If you are still unsure about non-monogamy, Dynamite dispels common myths that hold many back from giving this unconventional relationship style a try.

1. Commitment in ENM: Contrary to the misconception that ENM lacks commitment, Dynamite asserts that maintaining multiple relationships requires a higher level of commitment, as it involves agreements with multiple partners.

2. Sexual Focus in ENM: While there is potential for increased sexual activity in non-monogamous relationships, Dynamite emphasizes that, aside from swinging, the primary goal is often expansive love and connection rather than solely sexual encounters.

3. ENM Is Not Cheating: Dynamite clarifies that ENM is not equivalent to cheating, as it involves consensual agreements between partners. However, cheating can occur within non-monogamous relationships if agreements are breached.

4. Addressing Jealousy: Dynamite challenges the notion that being a jealous person disqualifies one from non-monogamy, emphasizing that jealousy can be worked through with self-reflection, open communication, and support.

Tips for Exploring Non-Monogamy in Portland

If you are ready to give the non-monogamous dating scene a try, Dynamite offers the following tips: 1. Be Honest About Your Journey: If you’re new to non-monogamy, be honest about your beginner status and take the initiative to educate yourself on the terminology and mindset associated with non-monogamy. Read books and listen to podcasts that can help you understand some of the basic terminology and common mindsets that will help you start to unpack internalized beliefs.

2. Seek ENM Communities: Portland boasts numerous ENM and poly social communities that welcome newcomers. Connecting with like-minded individuals can provide invaluable support and a sense of normalcy.

3. Self-Reflection and Goal-Setting: Create a comprehensive list of relationship desires, non-negotiables, and personal goals for self-improvement. These lists can guide your journey and foster clear communication with potential partners.

Need for Speed Inside a Portland power couple’s quest to revolutionize speed dating.

BY B E N N E T T C AM P B E LL FE RG U SO N @ t h o b e n n et t

ALLISON BARR

Of all the couches in all the world, Michelle Sky bought Joe Gydosh’s. For most people, the sale, conducted through Facebook Marketplace, would be the end of the story.

For Gydosh, 28, and Sky, 23, it was the start of a romance.

Gydosh and Sky’s story is rare. In a world of disappointing dating apps and post-pandemic social upheavals, they found each other the old-fashioned way: by happenstance.

“It’s so much harder to meet people in real life, especially when you’re at a university or you’re not working in the office,” Sky tells WW. “Where are you bumping into people? The grocery store? Chance encounters are so rare.”

That reality inspired Gydosh and Sky to launch their “summer project,” Luvvly. A speed-dating service that eschews cliché (there are no swanky hotel lobbies and no barking host), Luvvly charges clients $25 a pop for the chance to go to a coffee shop or bar and chat with up to eight eligible matches. (The events are organized by age and sexual orientation.)

“We’re trying to make it feel less game show-y, if you will,” Sky says. Name tags were axed after Luvvly’s first event.

“We had a few people that were just like, ‘We wanted to be incognito at the coffee shop,’” Sky says. Now speed daters find each other using descriptions sent via text messages. (“White T-shirt, ripped jeans, reddish-brown hair.”)

Speed dating rose to prominence in the 1990s, but versions of it existed as far back as the 19th century, when some single women in the United States kicked off the year with New Year’s Calling (featured in NPR’s now-defunct storytelling project The Protojournalist), inviting eligible bachelors to an open house for 10 to 15 minutes.

Luvvly’s events are more intricate. With daters rotat-

ing every 10 minutes, Gydosh and Sky text conversation prompts like “What’s your ideal work-life balance?” and “How important is a lively social life to you?” operating from what Sky self-effacingly describes as “a very serious control room.”

In order to receive each other’s contact information, two Luvvly clients must both text M for “match.” “We have regulars who come often, so we’ll see their names pop up and we’ll be rooting for them,” Gydosh says.

Full disclosure: I’m one of those regulars. Since July, I’ve attended four Luvvly events and experienced triumphant highs (geeking out over A24 movies with a cool history major from McMinnville) and bitter lows (waiting 24 hours after an event to find out that, nope, I didn’t get a single mutual match).

Being rejected by someone you’ve met in person is a lot more brutal than being turned down by someone you flirted with on Bumble. Yet that doesn’t change the fact that chatting with actual humans is invigorating after swiping left and right so many times that all you see are profiles, not people.

“With dating apps, it tends to feel like you’re shopping for someone,” Gydosh says. “That process in itself is not very fulfilling.” “Or very romantic,” Sky adds.

Luvvly is a new player among the speed-dating services that host events in Portland—and Gydosh and Sky are determined to improve it. They are debuting a new website and want to organize themed mingles, potentially for movie buffs (I’ll see ya at that one!) and outdoorsy singles (uh, does walking to Safeway count as “outdoorsy”?).

Gydosh and Sky know that being Luvvly’s co-founders doesn’t mean they can fully control an event. They can pick the locations (they lean toward spots with daytime hours and/or non-alcoholic beverages, like Belmont vintage bar Sugar Hill), but what happens there is up to the daters.

“If your goal is to have as many matches as possible, you could go in, wear a specific outfit, use specific compliments, tailor, almost manipulate your conversations toward that outcome,” Gydosh says.

“We have men and women who go in for almost a self-esteem boost sometimes, because they match every single person,” Sky notes. Or, Gydosh adds, they might be trying “to see what works, what doesn’t work.”

Most Luvvly clients know Gydosh as a sender of friendly messages, cheerfully guiding them through the rituals of events and tactfully cheering them up when they go home matchless. (His choice words of comfort: “It’s about finding the right one, not just anyone.”)

I asked Gydosh, whose full-time job is running Luvvly, if he could offer any courtship advice. “I think this is treading the line into dating-coach territory,” he cautioned.

Fair enough. Gydosh and Sky aren’t dating coaches or psychologists. They’re self-described “love alchemists” whose mission is not so much to help people bond, but to create the conditions under which they can.

Or, as Sky puts it, “Just play cupid as much as possible for as many couples as possible.”

GO: For a calendar of Luvvly’s December speed mingles, visit luvvlydating.com.

BRING US HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS

grandcentralbakery.com Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

13

is a 501(c)(3) non-profit.

Photo by Antonio Harris

Match Point

More and more burned-out singles are seeking the solace of matchmaking. Two Portland-area matchmakers explain how it works.

Every donation you make and every show you see helps keep the dream of the Abbey alive.

DECEMBER EVENTS

DEC 15th -23rd

The Amazing Bubbleman

BY ANNETTE BENEDETTI

DEC 27th

In the fast-paced world of modern dating, where algorithms and swipes dominate, some Portlanders are turning back to a centuries-old tradition: matchmaking.

There are at least five matchmakers in the Portland area—including Jacqueline Nichols, founder of Discover Love Matches, and Autum Bird, aka Autum the Matchmaker, both of whom offer an alternative for singles exhausted by swipe life.

Matchmaking is not just about setting two people up on a blind date, say these practitioners; it’s also a meticulous process of sleuthing who could be compatible, based on their lifestyle, hobbies and availability.

“Matchmaking offers a human touch, going beyond algorithms to create personal connections,” Nichols tells WW. Translation: Once you’ve signed up, prepare to be vetted like a presidential cabinet nominee before you even make it to a date.

Obviously, matchmaking in Portland circa 2023 doesn’t resemble Fiddler on the Roof. (There’s considerably less singing involved.) To help you understand the process, we humbly present WW’s guide to modern matchmaking, with all the highs and hurdles it entails.

How Does Matchmaking Work?

DEC 31st visit

albertaabbey.org 14

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

Not all matchmakers are the same. At Discover Love Matches, based in Lake Oswego, the service starts with a 30-minute virtual consultation for women and a 60-minute one for men, allowing Nichols to confirm the identity of potential members (men, Nichols says, require a longer session so she can get “a clearer picture of their desires”).

Nichols asks clients questions to find out what prompted them to seek a more proactive approach to dating and about their intentions. (Are they’re seeking a serious relationship, for instance, or simply looking to expand their social circle?)

Before entering professional matchmaking, Nichols worked as a spiritual guide, independent of any church or organization, which often meant fielding requests for insights into how to find a soulmate. But today her work combines spirituality with strategy.

“My primary focus is connecting the right ladies with my gentlemen,”

Nichols says. “Women appreciate the experience of being selected.” To that end, she has female clients sign up for a database, then matches them with male clients. (Discover Love also serves LGBTQ+ clients.)

Bird’s approach, meanwhile, involves a questionnaire about occupation and interests, followed by blind dates, often at an ice cream or coffee shop. First dates last 30 to 45 minutes, and the exchanging of phone numbers is verboten.

“This allows the participants to feel at ease and not pressured,” Bird says.

“It’s the perfect amount of time to know if they want to get to know each other further.”

What Does Matchmaking Cost?

It can be very expensive or fairly cheap. At Discover Love Matches, the initial consultation fee alone is $375 for women and $400 for men. (After the first payment, clients remain in the database for six months.) Bird, on the other hand, charges a $25 signup fee and $7 per date.

OK, but Does It Get Results?

We asked Traci Strong, who sought out Bird in 2022 as she searched for a more “traditional” relationship.

“I had been in the dating scene off and on since 2016, and I was rather burned out on the whole thing,” Strong says. “Matchmaking was a way for me to be much more hands-off about it while still obtaining dates.”

The first date Bird arranged for Strong was enjoyable, but Strong and the match shared few common interests. The second date was awkward; the third showed promise. By that time, however, Strong was embarking on a romance outside the confines of matchmaking.

Still, Strong appreciates the structure matchmaking imposes. “With matchmaking, so much of work is removed,” she says. “I don’t have to try and carry the conversation via an app with dozens of men who seem to be incapable of communicating.”

Jacqueline Nichols’ Tips for Finding the Right Matchmaker 1. E nsure the matchmaker is directly involved, rather than relying solely on a sales team.

2. Make sure the matchmaker lives in your city.

3. Check if dating coaching services are included.

Six Perfect First-Date Spots thomas teal

SCAN FOR TICKETS

Division Winemaking Company

Division Winemaking Company at the Wine Yard

2005 SE 8th Ave., thewineyardpdx.com. 12:30 pm-6:30 pm Tuesday-Saturday, 12:30 pm-5:30 pm Sunday-Monday.

There’s a fine line between looking like an obnoxious wine snob and impressing someone with your knowledge, and Division’s inner Southeast tasting room is the perfect place to walk that line. Co-owners and co-winemakers Kate Norris and Thomas Monroe make wines that are super approachable but also make wine nerds geek out. Their tasting, which includes snack options from Cafe Olli and Olympia Provisions, includes some of the finest examples of Oregon pinot noir and chardonnay alongside trendier styles like gamay, pet nat, and orange wine. Even if your conversation is light or awkward, you can always talk about winemaking, biodynamic farming, and tasting notes with the help of their staff. The coolest part is that all of Division’s wines are made in the same building that houses its hip and sun-washed tasting room. It is also an urban winery, with others in walking distance, meaning you can give your date the true winery experience without trekking out to the Willamette Valley. N E I L F E R G U S O N .

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

15

Six Perfect First-Date Spots St. Johns Food & Beer Porch

7316 N Lombard St., stjohnsfoodcarts.com. Noon-10 pm Monday-Saturday, noon-9 pm Sunday.

For a first date, maybe refrain from the pressure of a white-tableclothed candlelit dinner and get to know your companion. A meal is still a great option, but what do they even eat? Come to think of it, what do you even know about this person? All questions that can be answered at this little food haven. It’s the perfect place to learn about your date. Are they a passionate vegan? A carnivore consuming life by the moment? A selection of international foods, wood-fired pizzas and hearty sandwiches as well as a host of vegan options should help connect the dots, and the covered bar offers a nice selection of craft beers, hard ciders, 12 rotating taps, and fine wines. And if things are clicking, jet to the beautiful and sparsely crowded Cathedral Park approximately five minutes away and stroll the small beach, relax on the pier, or bring your meals for a romantic picnic with a spectacular view of the St. Johns Bridge. And if the weather’s gloomy, a brand-new fire pit which can enhance the moment if you’re quick enough to snag the spot. R AY G I L L J R .

Salvador Molly’s

1523 SW Sunset Blvd., 503-293-1790, salvadormollyspdx.com. 11:30 am-10 pm Friday-Saturday, 11:30 am-9 pm Tuesday-Thursday.

You can learn a lot about a person in a very short time—under a minute, in my experience — after they bite into the Great Balls of Fire at Salvador Molly’s. These are the all-mighty fried habañero orbs of cheese that look innocuous enough sitting in a calm pool of devilishly, um, stimulating habañero sauce on a bright bedpan-shaped piece of Fiestaware and come three or five to an order. You will insist that you get some as a starter, and your date will be impressed with your decisiveness. It starts with a nice innocent crunch, followed by a watery eye or two (bonus if there’s runny mascara). They’ll laugh it off at first. “Well, that was surprisingly kicky,” they’ll blubber. These balls are thought-provoking—as in, “I think I might die.” Then comes the snot-show of the especially tidal kind, and this first date is off and running (literally)! Or maybe they’re the type who licks their fingers clean of all the molten goodness and goes in for another— i.e., a keeper. L I B B Y M O LY N E A U X .

St. Johns Twin Cinemas

8704 N Lombard St., 503-286-1768, stjohnscinema.com.

Intimacy is becoming a lost art in today’s amorphic dating scene, where an online résumé counts more than a genuine gleam of interest. If you’re nostalgic for the days of pre-digital dating, try taking a stroll through St. Johns’ historic downtown district, where you’ll find family-owned vinyl record and used book shops, themed coffee joints, and restaurants around every corner. At the heart of it all is the quaint two-auditorium Twin Cinema, which has been standing for 115 years. The ticket prices are surprisingly reasonable ($9-$11), leaving plenty of change to grab a slice of pizza if a full dinner-and-a-movie evening isn’t feasible. The throwback intimacy of the theater, with a 70-seat auditorium up a red velvet staircase and a 190-seater downstairs, speaks to you through the glowing lights that illuminate overjoyed couples and movie buffs, not ghosts (as some would have it). R AY G I L L J R .

16

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

LEAH NASH

Hale Pele

2733 NE Broadway, 503-662-8454, halepele.com. 4 pm-midnight Friday-Wednesday, 9 am-5 pm Thursday.

Want to give your date the feeling of being swept away on a tropical vacation without leaving town and ending up in one of those disastrous rom-coms?

Step into the dark and moody confines of one of America’s best tiki bars right here in Portland. Adorned with glowing puffer fish, bamboo and tiki totems to conjure the feeling of being in a beachside hut, Hale Pele is the perfect escape from the winter gloom. You can indulge in boozy rum-laden classics like a mai tai or a Suffering Bastard while watching the bartenders concoct lively mixologist pyrotechnics to a soundtrack of exotic lounge music and the occasional simulated thunderstorm. Polynesian-inspired small bites give you something to snack on while easing into a relaxed conversation. Cocktails for two are offered, and if you really want to wow your date (or give them an early intro to your alcoholism), you can order the Volcano Bowl that comes billowing fire and smoke for a true spectacle. N E I L F E R G U S O N .

HALE PELE

d!

Manual

Reclinersrs available 3 colo was $299.

160,000 sq ft open to the public - backed up with 500,000 sq ft of warehouse space - that’s over 51/2 Football Fields of New Home & Office Furniture & General Merch items! Free parking. Free Coffee and Donuts this weekend Locally Owned since 1977.

Full-Length Cheval Mirror with inbuilt

3 drawer Vanity with Lighting

Jewelry Armoire

Was $19999

40% off! $ NOW

$

15900

In Chrome and White 46.25”w x 18.75”d x 62”h Was $96999

179 20% off!

Power

Recliners

279

Vanity Light-up Rechargeable Mirror

16

$

99

Media Stand

Stockings

Decorative Sign

30% off!

$

49900

$ Christmas

2 colors available was $399.99

48% off!

Electric Fireplace included

Was $32999

reg. $19.99

9

Bows

$ 99 Gnomes $ 99 $ 99 9

2

$ 69 Tufted Click Clack Futon Black with metal legs

55.5L x 17.5”W x 32"H

2 pack

2

assorted

29900

$

Now

ALL NEW IN A BOX

Assorted Christmas Stocking Caps

7

$ 99

5 piece Black Counter Height Table Set table: 42”L x 42”W x 36”H was $499

30% off!

Was $199.

139

$

4 pc Sectional

Was $359999

50% off! NOW

opens to a bed

Electric Adjustable Height Desk

599

$

White Reindeer Figurine 12 inch

Gnome Mugs

1299 $399

$

assorted

Candles

two scents in one, assorted

5

$ 99

1799

40% off!

2 Stack Wooden Coat Rack with Base Drawer Storage

$

$

SHOP !

AL t LOC a e s o cl

29.5”w x 21.5”D x 64.5”Tall

ll We wi 00pm 4: ve mas E Christ e closed & we’r mas Day Christ

299

$

149

823 S.E. 3rd Avenue

HOME FURNITURE WAREHOUSE POR

TLAND, OREGON

East End Of The Morrison Bridge NEW HOME FURNITURE: 503-230-7716 OFFICE FURNITURE: 503-238-4477 Open 7 Days 9am to 6pm

www.cityliqs.com

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

17

BRIAN BURK

Six Perfect First-Date Spots Suki’s Bar & Grill

2401 SW 4th Ave., 503-226-1181, sukisbar.com. 3 pm-2:30 am Wednesday-Saturday, 3 pm-1 am Sunday-Monday.

Adjoining a downtown motel typically crowded by families of OHSU patients facing extended stays, haunted by the specter of after-hours porno shoots and especially tragic suicides, Suki’s isn’t the sort of place where you’d expect to fall in love. Really, though, couldn’t the same be said for just about every first date? While cozy booths, dramatic vistas, and sharable desserts may tempt paramours already aching to suck one another’s forks, the practical suitor approaches dating more like adventuring, and few bars better inflame the spirit of discovery. Situated at the west end of the Ross Island Bridge amid that awkward stretch between the West Hills and South Waterfront, the lounge has been the de facto hangout spot for a surprisingly large swath of our citizenry without ever serving as a neighborhood bar or recognized destination. The constant assembly line of newfound regulars drawn from Portland State or nearby starter apartments breeds a cheery universality (alongside a raucous karaoke scene and famously bitchy open-mic standup nights), creating an environment where everyone seems familiar and nobody knows your name. If things go well over introductory drinks and the surprisingly tasty Korean-fusion pub grub, the entire city lies at the lovebirds’ feet while nightmarish miscouplings can be seamlessly abandoned via multiple exits opening onto a dizzying maze of a patio (while a semi-hidden interior door leads directly to the motel upstairs, should either the very worst or very best scenario come to pass). J AY H O R T O N .

18

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

Suki’s Bar & Grill

sale prices good thru 1/5/24

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

19

SPONSORED CONTENT

Make it a Date!

Escape Together: Date Night at Laurelhurst

Are you looking to elevate your date nights? Look no further! We’ve curated a list of enchanting local businesses ready to turn your evenings into unforgettable experiences. Whether you’re a longtime couple or planning a first date, we’ve got something special for everyone below.

Tap into Romance at Double Mountain!

Double Mountain has got you covered for weekday Holiday date night!

Enjoy Trivia every Monday night at 7 pm or partake in tunes of live music at 6 pm on Wednesdays in the cozy ambiance of our Overlook Taproom. Let the Woodstock Taproom serenade you on Thursdays with live music at 6 pm. These events, paired with their diverse selection of beers and ciders, and delectable specialty desserts, create the perfect backdrop for an intimate date night with your special someone.

DOUBLE MOUNTAIN BREWERY & CIDERY 1700 N Killingsworth St & 4336 SE Woodstock Blvd | doublemountainbrewery.com

What could be more iconic than a date night at the movies?

Their newly renovated theaters offer the perfect setting to cozy up with your date, and immerse yourselves in the magic of cinema. Plush seating, and the aroma of fresh popcorn and pizza will whisk you and your special someone away. Grab a popcorn and beer combo for just $9 and make it a night to remember by stopping by the Photobooth in the lobby!

LAURELHURST THEATER 2735 E Burnside Street | laurelhursttheater.com

Enjoy Tea Together Cozy up by the fire and enjoy some tea with your loved one. Whether it’s a teapot of warm Gingerbread Chai with oat milk or selecting different teas to share, it’ll be a relaxing and enjoyable experience. At Portal Tea, every tea is made from scratch, just the way you like it.

PORTAL TEA

7983 SE 13th Ave & 734 NW 23rd Ave B | portaltea. co

Old-School Moviegoing Experience Hollywood Theatre cares about the moviegoing experience almost as much as the movies themselves!

Go see intriguing independent new releases for grownups and your favorite films from every era with respectful audiences made up of movie lovers like you, in an old-school movie palace atmosphere! No two nights at Hollywood are the same, so they are sure to have something in store for your next great date night. Plus, the best popcorn in town!

HOLLYWOOD THEATRE

4122 NE Sandy Blvd | hollywoodtheatre.org 20

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

Escape to A Riverside Retreat Es-

cape for a night and reconnect at The Independence Hotel. Enjoy a 5% discount on your standard room rate and a $100 credit towards dinner and drinks at Territory Restaurant.

Be sure to book your stay at least 72 hours in advance!

THE INDEPENDENCE HOTEL

201 Osprey Ln, Independence | theindependencehotel.com

A Night to“Tweasure”

Join Cary Elwes (Westley) for a behind-the-scenes look at life on and off the set of the classic film, The Princess Bride. After a screening of the iconic movie, Elwes will engage in a moderated discussion revealing never before shared secrets and tales of inconceivable antics!

Journey back to the lands of Florin and Guilder in an adventure filled with fencing, fighting, torture, revenge, giants, monsters, chases, escapes, miracles, and of course, true love. Reconnect at The Independence Hotel, and beautiful riverfront restaurant, Territory. March 8th at 8pm Tix: $40

TICKETS: PDXJAZZ.ORG

ARLENE SCHNITZER CONCERT HALL 1037 SW Broadway | portland5.com

Live Theatre With Lakewood!

Enjoy the hilarious mystery/farce about the Tomb family, a collection of weirdos and miscreants, all trying to backstab their way into inheriting their dear ol’ departed dad’s estate. A perfect night out for fans of dark comedy. $40 Adult, $37 Seniors, $25 Students

LAKEWOOD THEATRE CO

368 S State St, Lake Oswego | lakewood-center.org Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

21

Soak It In

There’s no better way to warm up and unwind this season than by spending time in one of Portland’s spas.

This story appears in Oregon Winter, our free magazine— out all over Portland this week!

BY A N D I P R E W I T T A N D E Z R A J O H N S O N - G R E E N O U G H

Oregon Winter, Willamette Week’s second annual directory to the fun to be had from December to March, is now in more than 650 locations—newsstands, bars, restaurants, hotels, grocers and convenience stores—across the Portland metro area. Look for it to be added to our website in the coming weeks. Here is an excerpt from our roundup of the city’s soaking pools and hot tubs, where we sampled what seemed like an Ulta Beauty’s supply of body scrubs and bath salts (yes, we’re still smooth and lustrous).

h ........ Alcoholic beverages allowed .......Swimsuit required .......Free robe and/or towels .........Co-ed

.........Cold plunge ......... Gendered hours available

⬣ ........Private

..........Massage available

♨ ....... Steam shower and/or room ........Tea available

ANDI PREWITT

When the stressful holiday season and frosty winter conditions have you feeling bitter, sometimes the best way to take the edge off isn’t by pouring a stiff cold drink. Instead, try immersing yourself in healing warm water.

It’s easy to forget that something as simple as an extended soak can loosen muscles, alleviate tension, improve brain function and speed healing. In Portland, we are blessed with many soaking options in a variety of settings, so we packed our bags with pool sandals and bathing suits to visit as many as possible within city limits to provide the ultimate guide to tubbing. By the time we were finished, our fingers were pruney, our hair smelled like eucalyptus, and our skin was as soft as freshly kneaded dough. The experience was so relaxing and refreshing, we guarantee that not even a forecasted Snowpocalypse will dampen your post-soak spirits this winter.

Common Ground Wellness Cooperative

5010 NE 33rd Ave., 503-238-1065, cgwc.org. 10 am–10 pm Thursday–Tuesday, 5–10 pm Wednesday.

This Concordia neighborhood New Age, body-positive healing spa is tailor-made for crusty hippies and Naked Bike Ride enthusiasts. That’s not to dismiss the range of important services Common Ground provides, like acupuncture, chiropractic care, massage therapy and life coaching. But I was there for the clothing-optional soaking pool, which did not disappoint.

One warning: The communal locker room was a tight squeeze—you may end up accidentally bumping butts with another person in the small space. But that’s the only physical contact you’ll find here. Common Ground is a strictly no-touching, non-sexual space, where everyone is advised to watch where their eyes land, and even public displays of affection by couples are banned.

The soaking pool and sauna are in a walled courtyard open to the elements.

But you should find the cool breeze refreshing after emerging from the steamy gauntlet of nude bodies in the changing area. And there will be a lot of folks sans swimsuits. I’m all for body positivity, but even I blushed at the sight of a buck naked elderly gentleman spread eagle on a deck chair cooling off between sauna and soak. Keeping your clothes on is an option, but you may be the odd one out if you do when visiting this C-shaped pool with a fountain. E J - G .

TUBTHUMPING: A pair of porcelain clawfoot tubs are built into an open-air cedar shack at Blue Star.

Blue Star Portland Massage & Outdoor Bathhouse

7402 N Vincent Ave., 503-805-9144, bluestarpdx.com.

By appointment only. Closed most Saturdays, Sundays and Mondays.

Reservations optional. $10 for members, $15 for non-members for 30 minutes; $20 for members, $25 for non-members for 1 hour; $30 for members, $35 for non-members for 90 minutes; $40 for members, $45 for non-members for 2 hours.

Features:

♨ C O U R T E S Y O F C O M M O N G R O U N D W E L L N E S S C O O P E R AT I V E

Tucked away in the backyard of a private residence with a BYOB or J policy (wine chiller, corkscrew, bottle opener and ashtray are all there at the ready), Blue Star is the speakeasy of Portland’s soaking scene. I’m not exactly sure how it exists, but damn if I’m not glad that it does. A pair of porcelain clawfoot tubs built into an open-air cedar shack make this a singular experience and look like they’re ready to star in the most romantic Viagra commercial ever filmed.

Licensed massage therapist Jesse Louis built the rustic setup after longing for a private spa. “I personally find it hard to relax in a public one,” Louis explains.

Massage clients can also use the baths for water therapy.

Guests are encouraged to practice self-care in whatever way best suits them.

For some, that may be a massage with the provided TheraCanes before easing into the water. Others may pop open a bottle of pinot noir and get lost in the rhythm of the shed’s resident rubber duck bobbing around in the water, or try to learn to play the ukulele—included in the attached changing room along with reading material like Daniel Quinn’s Ishmael and a copy of Socialist Alternative. You also have the ability to customize your experience by choosing everything from the water temperature (115 degrees is recommended, but do not jump right in) to the blend of botanicals that end up in the bath with you.

There is even an added option to make one of the tubs a cold plunge (highly recommended). After marinating for two hours in water infused with rose petals, matcha green tea, burdock root, rice bran oil and salts, I’m sad to report that I failed to master the ukulele. However, I did come away from the experience incredibly rested and feeling a bit like Snow White thanks to the abundance of birds, squirrels and spa cats that paid me a visit. A P. Reservations required. $100 for 1 hour, $130 for 90 minutes, $160 for 2 hours, $190 for 2 1/2 hours, $210 for 3 hours, $230 for 3 1/2 hours. Cash or Health Savings Account card only.

Features:

STEAMED UP: The sauna at Common Ground Wellness.

22

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

h

⬣

McMenamins Crystal Hotel

303 SW 12th Ave., 503-972-2670, mcmenamins.com/crystal-hotel.

7 am-1 am daily for hotel guests.

Portland’s underground has long had a sordid reputation. If you believe local lore, the network of tunnels in Old Town Chinatown have been used as a brothel, an opium den and an abduction superhighway. More recently, the Nic Cage-led film Pig set a bizarre basement-dwelling chefs’ fight club in the Rose City’s core. However, there is at least one part of downtown where descending below street level isn’t scary at all—it’s downright serene. The Crystal Hotel, located on the West End’s cheese wedge-shaped block, houses what may be the prettiest pool in town.

Yes, you must be an overnight guest to partake in this subterranean soak, but the next time you purchase tickets to a show at the neighboring Crystal Ballroom, springing for a room might not set you back much more than a round trip to and from home with a ride-hailing app. And, after an evening spent bounding across the venue’s famous floating dance floor, your muscles deserve to be submerged in McMenamins’ saltwater—a practice that converts sodium chloride into chlorine that’s used at all of the company’s pools, resulting in a silkier bath.

The 1911 building has been many things before becoming a McMenamins property: an auto parts store, a nightclub and gamblers den, and, in the ’70s, a bathhouse—making it an integral part of Portland’s queer history. However, the pool you soak in today is not original. The brewpub empire added that feature after it purchased the structure and began remodeling.

It also brought the outdoors into the basement by lining the walls with bamboo and installing a rain shower, which you can use as a substitute for a cold plunge by blasting frigid water instead of warm. The only natural light filters in through clouded glass tiles above the far portion of the pool, which are embedded in the sidewalk. It’s the best section of the oversized tub, because that’s also the location of two metal pipes that provide a gentle water massage if you stand right next to them. A P. No reservations required. Free for hotel guests.

Features:

h C O U R T E S Y O F C R Y S TA L H O T E L

UNDERGROUND OASIS: Spring for a room at the Crystal Hotel after a nearby concert and you’ll gain access to its stunning subterranean soaking pool.

Santé Aesthetics & Wellness

210 NW 17th Ave., Unit 100, 971-407-3066, santepdx.com. 10 am-6 pm Monday, 10 am-7 pm Tuesday-Saturday.

Santé caters to the bohemian Northwest Portland crowd with its European-style spa located in a former chapel and funeral home listed on the National Register of Historic Places. Once inside, you’d never guess that you’re a block from Interstate 405 since it looks like the business was plucked from the Italian countryside.

Santé has taken great pains to set the mood. The downstairs bathhouse is decked out to resemble what you might imagine a spa looked like before the fall of the Roman Empire (think marble pillars, beige tiling, and flickering candles deposited in cubbyholes in the wall). Above the LED-lit, 103-degree pool is a fresco of a night sky, complete with twinkling pinhole lights.

A separate UV-light room is designed to simulate a heated pebble beach, and a glowing aroma diffuser fills the hall with the right evocative scents. But I can’t say I felt truly transported until spending half an hour in the eucalyptus steam room with the temperature turned up to 11. By the time I entered the UV light-sanitized soaking pool and looked up at the stars, I almost believed I was on a Tuscan vacation. E J - G .

Reservations required. $65 for one hour, $50 if booked with another service.

Features:

 ♨

A PITTOCK MANSION CHRISTMAS

WINTER WONDERLAND There’s no place like home for the holidays—Portland’s Pittock Mansion included. Over 75 dedicated volunteers have decorated the 1914 historic home museum to celebrate the most wonderful time of year!

Join us for our annual tradition.

Limited Timed Ticket Available for Each Day.

Purchase Tickets Onsite or Online Today!

pittockmansion.org Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

23

STREET

HEART AND SOLSTICE Photos by Brian Burk On Instagram: @bpburk The Portland chapter of the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence kicked off the coldest season of the year a bit early with their Winter Gay-la, a celebration of the city’s LGBTQ+ community on Dec. 2 at McMenamins Mission Theater. In addition to a visually stunning lineup of the most colorful habits and veils in town, popular local performers, including Poison Waters, Miss Gay Oregon, and the Portland Lesbian Choir, also took the stage. Proceeds will go to the Sisters Grants Fund, which supports area nonprofits.

Wool Felt Tino $125

Made in USA by Bailey Packable, Water Repellent Colors: Black, Brown, Grey, Navy, Port, Red Sizes: S—2XL

969 SW Broadway • 503-223-4976 Mon-Sat 10 - 5, Sun 12 - 5 www.johnhelmer.com 24

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

FRIDAY DECEMBER 8TH AT 6PM

Acoustic In-Store Performance & Signing

MUSIC MILLENNIUM RECOMMENDS TIRZAH TRIP9LOVE...???

VIOLENT FEMMES VIOLENT FEMMES

on sale $12.99 CD

on sale $19.99 CD

$24.99 LP

DELUXE REMASTERED 2023

sale prices good thru 1/5/24

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

25

To enter: 1) Follow our social media accounts, 2) Post a holiday photo at Lloyd Center, 3) Tag @shoplloydcenter

2

1 Treasure Island

Demba Gifts

Barnes and Noble

26

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

5

Bloomi Balloons

9

Joe Browns Carmel Corn

Brickdiculous

6

10

4

3 Lloyd Center Ice Rink

7

Keia & Martyn’s Coffee

Floating World Comics

11

Gambits Games and Gifts

Claire’s

Nail Studio

8

12

WILL A MET TE WEEK’S

G U T I DE F I G 2 02 3

Gift-givers, this one is for you – each year, Willamette Week compiles the perfect locally-sourced holiday shopper. So, close out your Amazon tab, and delve into the wonderful gift ideas we’ve carefully curated for your holiday-shopping convenience. This year, support the businesses that call Portland home while still finding the perfect gift for those special someones on your list.

SPONSORED CONTENT

Chai Gift Set, $60

2024 CAT Calendar

Portal Tea Company

Cat Adoption Team

Restaurant Gift Card Sale, 20% Off $25 or more Cafe Yumm!

Stocking Stuffers Behold, a stellar lineup of budget-friendly wonders with a sky-high delight factor! Ideal for slipping into stockings, dazzling in white elephant exchanges, surprising your desk buddy, or winning over the notoriously picky folks on your list.

Original Undies, $26 Thunderpants USA

Portland's favorite tea company, Portal Tea (formerly known as Tea Chai Te) now offers chai concentrates based on their well loved tea blends. This gift set includes three 8 oz bottles of their new lightly sweetened chai blends- caffeinated West Coast Chai, mushroom spiced Forager Chai and Coconut Chai (non caffeinated).

A purr-fect gift for cat lovers! This full-color, 12-month wall calendar features beautiful photos of cats and kittens—a new image each month. All felines featured in the calendar were adopted from Cat Adoption Team (CAT). Your purchase supports CAT’s programs and services for cats, kittens, and people.

portaltea.co Portland & Eugene Locations

catadoptionteam.org/calendar 14175 SW Galbreath Dr, Sherwood

For a limited time, receive 20% off all Café Yumm! restaurant gift cards with a $25 or greater value. Nourish everyone on your holiday list and SAVE BIG! Give the gift of Yumm! Bowls®, wraps, salads, and more at 9 locations across the Portland Metro. Available while supplies last! cafeyumm.com 9 Portland Metro Locations

Noblecraft 10pk Pre-Roll, $18-$24 Northwest Cannabis

Thunderpants are made here in Oregon and are designed not to ride up or roll down - can you say no wedgies? Made with organic cotton/spandex blend, they will make you feel comfortable and confident. Fun and unique prints illustrated

by Women artists keep things cheeky. Perfect for gift giving! thunderpantsusa.com North Portland

Incredible Noblecraft 10 pack of half-gram pre-rolls! Crafted using 100% top quality flower, a beautiful package, and sealed for freshness.

Available at a great price and in multiple strains. Plus Northwest Cannabis Company donates a portion of the proceeds to support the Tualatin Riverkeepers' efforts to build watershed stewardship. northwestcannabis.com 17937 SW McEwan Rd, Tualatin Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

27

Stocking Stuffers

Full-spectrum cannabis topicals, tinctures, nano gummies & elixirs

Handmade Earrings, $128 Porch Light

High Desert Pure

Give the gift that never disappoints. $20 Off All 6 Month Memberships Starting At $104.95 Manager’s special express detail - $79 Washman

Unwind with High Desert Pure’s award-winning cannabis topicals, tinctures, nano gummies & elixirs. Our all-natural products are made from scratch in Bend, OR and found in most dispensaries.

Looking for CBD products? Order online at www. hdpcbd.com and we’ll deliver some zen to your doorstep this holiday season.

These dramatic swoop earrings are just one of the many beautiful jewelry offerings we have at Porch Light. Hand-carved with details reminiscent of a feather, they are made of cast brass with 14K gold fill ear wires and measure 1” by 2 1/2”, including the ear wire. Also available in sterling silver.

Mix it up this Holiday! Give your loved one, co-worker or best friend, a day off of cleaning with a manager's special or 6 months of our wash club or both! The manager's special includes: express detail, exterior wash & towel dry double liquid polish clear ceramic seal (ultra shine & protection) armor all tire shine wheel wipe fragrance tree selection interior windows, dusting, & vacuum upgraded interior cleaning air vents center console door panels & cup holders dressed with interior armor all. Certificates sold in stores & online!

highdesertpure.com or hdpcbd.com Available in dispensaries all across Portland

porchlightshop.com 225 NW 11th Ave

washmanusa.com All 18 Washman Locations

Weekly WW Delivery!

Holiday Sipping Sampler Set, $29.95

Haflinger Slipper, $109.95

Willamette Week

We offer subscriptions on a sliding scale. If you can, we encourage you to pay at a higher tier to help fund the journalism we're proud to keep delivering every week. wweek.com/store

28

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

Straightaway Cocktails

Footwise

Behold, the Sipping Sampler Set. The perfect gift for a cocktail-curious friend with six bottled cocktails in the perfect sipping size: Lintik, Margarita, The Swizzle, The Cosmos, Negroni and Seasonal Favorite Maple Old Fashioned. And the stockings were stuffed with good drinks.

Haflinger wool slippers are a premium gift, and these are sure to become someone's new best friend. Super soft and cozy, the natural boiled wool fiber will also keep feet at a constant temperature by wicking away moisture, acting as a natural insulator year-round. Shop local, shop Footwise!

straightawaycocktails.com 901 SE Hawthorne Blvd

footwise.com 1433 NE Broadway | 3426 SE Hawthorne Blvd

SPONSORED CONTENT

Give a Brick Today! $150 Pioneer Courthouse Square

OBT POINTE PASS For dance fans ages 21 – 35 Purchase 5 ticket credits for $125, then redeem any time for the best available seats to the OBT show of your choice.

Credits don’t expire.

This holiday season join the nearly 85,000 Portlanders who own a piece of our city’s living room. Buy a personalized brick in Pioneer Courthouse Square. Gift wrapping available! thesquarepdx.org

Holiday Scratch-its Oregon Lottery

Upcoming shows include: George Balanchine’s

THE NUTCRACKER

®

December 8–24, 2023

PETER PAN February 17–25, 2024

WOODEN DIMES April 5–13, 2024

MADE IN PDX

You know that feeling you get when your holiday shopping is done? Give the little gift that could give you the “I’m done shopping” feels and bring a smile to the grownups on your list with Oregon Lottery Holiday Scratch-its! Easy to find, buy and gift. This year, give Holiday Scratch-its! oregonlottery.org/holiday Anywhere Lottery products are sold

June 6 – 9, 2024

obt.org/pointe-pass | 503-222-5538 SPONSORED CONTENT

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

29

Geometric Jesmonite Planter, $95 SMG Collective

Interior Inspirations

A collection for those who believe their taste is the real star of their homes. These beautiful gifts will lift up anyone's interior expression - plus, they are all functional as well!.

Marbled In Emerald Green, Bright Yellow, Lilac & Navy, this Geometric Jesmonite Planter is an ideal colourful new home + gift for beautiful plants! Visit us to see all the color + size options smgcollective.com 110 NW 9th Ave

30

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

Custom Photo Slates, $35 - $75

MOVA Globes, $195

Pro Photo Supply

Asylum

Locally printed in our lab, these photo slates are your photos printed on natural, hand-cut materials with a smooth stone surface on the reverse side. Due to inconsistencies in shape, size, and coating each slate is a unique piece of art. Each photo slate includes tabletop display hardware.

You've never seen a globe like this. It spins using the power of ambient light combined with torque from the earth’s magnetic field. No batteries. No unsightly cords. Give the unexpected gift.

prophotosupply.com 1112 NW 19th Ave

pdxasylum.com 3713 SE Hawthorne Blvd

SPONSORED CONTENT

Cangshan HUA 4-pc. Knife Block Set , $99.95

Wooden Crane Toy, $74

Disco Ball Planter, $25 - $35

Black Wagon

ECOVIBE

Kitchen Kaboodle

We love the affordable Helena knives from Cangshan – an elegantly minimalist interpretation of the modern kitchen knife. This 4-pc. block set features an 8" chef, 5" serrated utility, and 3.5" paring knife, plus a strikingly styled (and space-saving!) solid-acacia block and lifetime warranty against defects in materials and craftsmanship

For those who love to build! Keep them busy and engaged with this large sturdy wooden crane toy.

Start off by assembling the crane, then let the fun times begin. Add in toy cars, roads and trucks for the ultimate construction site play area.

kitchenkaboodle.com Four Portland-area Stores

blackwagon.com 3964 N Mississippi Ave

Custom Ornaments, $18-$20

Terracotta Planters, $14 - $70

Pro Photo Supply

Porch Light

Calling all plant parents and disco queens! The perfect hanging pot for a funky ficus or disco in-fern-o, this eye-catching planter brings the dance floor directly to your home. Your plants will have no trouble stayin’ alive in these hanging planters!

Available in 2 sizes with a gift ready box. ecovibestyle.com 1906 NE Alberta St 2380 SE Hawthorne Blvd

Mountain Tumbler, $28/box of 2 tumblers Asylum

Give a double-sided, designer ornament printed with your own photo and text! Choose from wood, metal, or glass. Made locally at our Lab in NW Portland, share captured moments with your friends and family this holiday season.

These beautiful, raw terracotta pots are a big favorite of our plant-loving friends! Handmade in Italy, they come in seven different patterns and a variety of sizes ranging from 3" to 10". Each pot comes with a matching saucer and is sure to please every planty person on your list.

Swirl your liquor around the craggy mountain nestled at the base of these unique glasses. These lead-free 9-ounce crystal tumblers pay homage to the lofty peaks of the Pacific Northwest with handblown, dimensional mountains that rise up in your glass. Sold in sets of two. A matching decanter is also available!

prophotosupply.com 1112 NW 19th Ave

porchlightshop.com 225 NW 11th Ave

pdxasylum.com 3713 SE Hawthorne Blvd

SPONSORED CONTENT

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

31

Canon EOS R50 Mirrorless Camera Kit, $749.99

Nikon NIKKOR Z 50mm f/1.8 S Lens, $529.95

Pro Photo Supply

Pro Photo Supply

Capture the moment with the Canon EOS R50 Mirrorless Camera Kit. Its intuitive photo, amazing video features, and small size give you flexibility without taking up your whole camera bag.

Available for purchase in-store, online with in-store pick-up, or to ship anywhere in the US. On sale until 12/10.

The Nikon NIKKOR Z 50mm f/1.8 S Lens is a compact lens with a bright aperture, ideal for working in difficult lighting conditions while increasing control over depth of field. Available for purchase in-store, online with in-store pick-up, or to ship anywhere in the US. On sale now!

prophotosupply.com 1112 NW 19th Ave

prophotosupply.com 1112 NW 19th Ave

Canon RF 50mm f/1.8 STM Lens, $169.99

Nikon Z 5 Mirrorless Camera, $1,399.99

Pro Photo Supply

Pro Photo Supply

Rugged Design. Unmatched Durability. Proudly built in Danner’s Portland factory with the finest materials from around the world, the Bull Run is durable, comfortable and fully recraftable. The fullgrain leather upper is the perfect blend of strong and soft and the sturdy Danner Wedge outsole provides all-day comfort that lasts.

The Canon RF 50mm f/1.8 STM lens lets you be creative with composition, making your images stand out, whether sharing on social media or in print. Available for purchase in-store, online with in-store pick-up, or to ship anywhere in the US. On Sale until 12/10.

The Nikon Z 5 Mirrorless Camera with 24-50mm Lens is a compact full-frame camera with brilliant low-light capabilities, 4K video, and more. Also available with a 24-200mm lens or body only.

Available for purchase in-store, online with in-store pick-up, or to ship anywhere in the US. On sale now!

danner.com All Portland-based Danner stores

prophotosupply.com 1112 NW 19th Ave

prophotosupply.com 1112 NW 19th Ave

Hobby Hauls

A collection for those who believe their taste is the real star of their homes. These beautiful gifts will lift up anyone's interior expression - plus, they are all functional as well!.

Bull Run Chelsea, $230 Danner

32

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

SPONSORED CONTENT

Sony Alpha 7 IV Mirrorless Camera, $2,299.99

White Bird's WE ARE ONE Festival Gift Package, $90

Pro Photo Supply

White Bird

Indulgent Delights

A lineup of goodies you'd maybe not buy for yourself, yet secretly crave. Perfect for the one who's survived a marathon of a year and totally deserves some selfpampering – just in case they need a playful push

Give the Gift of Dance with White Bird's WE ARE ONE Festival Gift Package featuring three critically acclaimed dance companies: Black Grace (Wednesday, February 21), Music From The Sole (Thu - Sat, February 29 - March 2), Alvin Ailey American Dance Theater (Tues - Wed, March 12 - 13.) Originally valued at $169

The Sony Alpha 7 IV Mirrorless Camera's true-to-life resolution and remarkable AI-powered autofocus complement a range of world-class features at the cutting edge of imaging technology. Available for purchase in-store, online with in-store pick-up, or to ship anywhere in the US. On sale until 12/3.

WhiteBird.org Arlene Schnitzer, Newmark Theatre, Keller Auditorium

prophotosupply.com 1112 NW 19th Ave

Sony FE 24-105mm F4 G OSS Lens, $1,199.99

New Deal Spiced Pear Liqueur, $34.95

Pro Photo Supply

New Deal Distillery

The Sony FE 24-105mm F4 G OSS Lens delivers excellent sharpness throughout the total zoom range, while also producing beautifully rendered ‘bokeh’ or background defocus at all focal lengths. Available for purchase in-store, online with in-store pick-up, or to ship anywhere in the US. On sale until 12/3.

Crafted from a combination of Pereday Orchard heritage pears and warming baking spices, this aromatic and divinely spiced pear liqueur is perfect for building layered flavor in tropical drinks and adding a dose of depth to hot toddies and all your fall & holiday cocktails.

prophotosupply.com 1112 NW 19th Ave

newdealbottleshop.com 900 SE Salmon St

SPONSORED CONTENT

$100 Gift Card Deal, $80 Urban Waxx

The gift that keeps on giving! Purchase an Urban Waxx $100 gift card for ONLY $80. Redeemable for waxing services at any Urban Waxx location, along with all in-store retail including, skincare, candles, jewelry, and more! Perfect for self-care doers and skincare lovers in your life. Shop in-store or use code “HOLIDAY” online. urbanwaxx.com 1036 NW 18th Ave 3103 SE Division St

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

33

Indulgent Delights Löyly Gift Card, Löyly Spa

Holiday Bundle: Reserve Collection, $140

Kalii Glass Dildo, $55 She Bop

Day Wines & Day Camp

Give the gift of wellness with a löyly gift card. Treat your friends & loved ones to a personal day with the choice of sauna, massage & holistic skincare.

Redeemable at our Northeast & Southeast facilities. Purchase online or visit one of our locations. loyly.net 3525 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd, 2713 SE 21st Ave

Tickets to 2024 Biamp Portland Jazz Festival, $200

Three captivating wines that emphasize the beauty and terroir of Oregons Willamette Valley. Day Wines 2021 Reserve Collection: 2021 Momtazi Vineyard Pinot Noir, 2021 Johan Vineyard Pinot Noir, and our 2021 Eola-Springs Vineyard Chardonnay.

Experience the epitome of indulgence with Kalii, a stunning glass G-spot dildo designed to take your pleasure to new heights. Enjoy gentle curves and flowing ribs that are handcrafted from high borosilicate glass. The iridescent hue and smooth finish make the Kalii a beautiful intimate gift with an affordable price.

daywines.com 21160 OR-99W, Dundee

www.sheboptheshop.com 909 N. Beech St & 3213 SE Division St

Gift Card

Give Them a Cruise!

Gift cards start at $25 each

The Dragontree Holistic Day Spa

PDX Jazz

Give the gift of live music this holiday season with one pair (2) of complimentary tickets to a select upcoming concert during the 2024 Biamp Portland Jazz Festival presented by PDX Jazz. The festival takes place February 16 - March 2, at venues across Portland, with performances by established artists and the next generation of jazz. pdxjazz.org

34

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

Portland Spirit Cruises & Events

If you're looking for the perfect gifts this season, we've got you covered. How about treating your loved ones to a rejuvenating massage, a calming facial, or creating a cozy vibe with our scented candles or body care products? And for those who seem to have everything, our gift cards are the way to go, letting them choose their own blissful experience. Give the gift of wellness and serenity and make this a holiday to remember.

Give a gift of lasting memories with a cruise! Portland Spirit operates year-round with brunch, lunch and dinner cruises, plus a new happy hour cruise!

Or take a high-speed jetboat cruise to the Columbia River Gorge. With ever-changing views and fresh Northwest cuisine, this experience is perfect for anyone on your list.

thedragontree.com 2768 NW Thurman St

portlandspirit.com 1010 SW Naito Pkwy

COURTESY OF CHRISTMAS SHIPS

GET BUSY DEC. 6–12

STUFF TO DO IN PORTLAND THIS WEEK, INDOORS AND OUT.

SHIP AHOY: The Christmas Ships Parade cruises the Willamette and Columbia rivers almost nightly through Dec. 17.

SEE: Christmas Ships Parade

The Christmas Ships Parade began its 69th season Dec. 1, which you may have known if you were watching the event website’s countdown clock. The parade consists of about 60 boats ranging in length from 14 to 65 feet that hold brightly lit passengers such as the (inflatable) Grinch and a fishing Santa. Two fleets take to the Willamette and Columbia rivers almost nightly, and they’re free to watch (though you may prefer to take in the procession from the comfort of a waterfront restaurant). Willamette and Columbia rivers, christmasships. org. Times vary daily, through Dec. 17.

No parade Dec. 7 and 11-12. Free.

GO: Ugly Sweater Party

It’s time to bust out that ugly Christmas sweater you only get to wear once a year and possibly win some fabulous prizes for doing it. Punch Bowl Social is encouraging everyone to don their most hideous themed knitwear—the more over the top the better if you want to be a contender in the costume contest. Downtown’s gaming palace will also serve special drinks with names like “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out” and “Not Ovaltine” in honor of the beloved holiday classic film A Christmas Story. Better yet, participants get one free hour of bowling, karaoke, darts or pingpong. Express your gratitude for the complimentary play by bringing a toy to Punch Bowl, which is a Toys for Tots collection site this year. Punch Bowl Social, 340 SW Morrison St., Suite 4305, 503-334-0360, eventbrite.com.

6:30-9:30 pm Wednesday, Dec. 6. Free.

GO: 13th Annual Tatas for Toys

If 20th century TV holiday variety shows were R-rated, they might have looked something like this. Tatas for Toys brings what are billed as the “finest North Pole dancers” to Dante’s for one night to raise money to purchase presents for OHSU Doernbecher Children’s Hospital (to date organizers have brought in more than $110,000 for the cause). The only person onstage likely to remain fully clothed is Santa—a

great reason to show up to this event for the kids, but not for the kids. Dante’s, 350 W Burnside St., 866-777-8932, danteslive. com. 8 pm Thursday, Dec.7. $20-$150. 21+.

WATCH: Ludlow Ladd: The Poor Little Orphan Boy

If you enjoy stories about Christmas miracles, sad orphans and Victorian England, then you’ll want to buy a ticket to this Bridgetown Conservatory production.

Ludlow Ladd: The Poor Little Orphan Boy is a holiday operetta that’s influenced by everything from Charles Dickens to Gilbert and Sullivan, though plenty of mock Christmas carols are thrown in to lighten the mood. Bridgetown Black Box at The Tiffany Center, 711 SW 14th Ave., 971-2196452, bridgetownconservatory.org. 7:30 pm Thursday-Saturday, 2 pm Sunday, Dec. 7-17. $32.50.

LISTEN: Make the Yuletide Gay

Don we now our gay apparel and head to “the gayest holiday concert of all time!” This year’s holiday performance by the Portland Gay Men’s Chorus takes inspiration from both classic variety and modern sketch shows. Happily, yes, there will be plenty of innuendo and what the company describes as “suggestive themes.” Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 503-226-2588, pdxgmc.org.

8 pm Friday-Saturday, 3 pm Sunday, Dec. 8-10. $20-$56.

DRINK: Downtown Forest Grove Wine Walk

While everyone else tediously scrolls through websites for holiday gift ideas, you can make shopping fun again by doing it while buzzed. The Forest Grove/Cornelius Chamber of Commerce has paired 10 area winemakers with 10 downtown businesses for this event—attendees get a 1-ounce pour at each stop. By the time you’ve racked up eight or nine tastings, you should be in the mood to open your wallet.

Both the boutiques and wineries will be eager to assist with any purchasing deci-

sions, and you probably deserve a bottle of pinot to take home for yourself as a reward for all of that hard work. Check in at Forest Grove/Cornelius Chamber of Commerce, 2417 Pacific Ave., Forest Grove, 503-3573006, fgcchamber.org/wine-walk-2023.

Noon-5 pm Saturday, Dec. 9. $25 includes 10 1-ounce tastes and a logo wine glass.

GO: Portland SantaCon 2023

There are two types of people in this world: those who love SantaCon and those who despise it. If you’re in the latter camp, just plan to steer clear of downtown altogether this Saturday. However, if you love to dress like the big man, sexy Mrs. Claus, a reindeer, a Christmas tree or Banana Santa (we’ve seen you weirdos), get out that costume and join thousands of fellow drinkers who love to terrorize the city’s bar scene every holiday season. Keep in mind that this is not one of the free SantaCons— you’ll need to buy a ticket, but that waives all cover fees and comes with food and drink specials as well as entry in a costume contest with a $2,000 prize. It promises to be a night you won’t forget…or maybe you will. But that’s what the pictures are for.

Starting point is Dixie Tavern, 32 NW 3rd Ave., eventbrite.com. 3 pm Saturday, Dec. 9. $14.99.

LISTEN: Gospel Christmas

The Northwest Community Gospel Choir’s mission is “to bring a message of faith, hope, love and joy through the perpetuation of gospel music as an original American art form.” After three remarkably difficult years defined by everything from a pandemic to high inflation, we could all use some of that faith, hope, love and joy—and it doesn’t get any more joyful than when this group of singers performs with the Oregon Symphony during the holidays. You can expect more than a dozen Christmas classics in the lineup—from “Joy to the World” to “O, Come All Ye Faithful” to “Go Tell It on the Mountain.” Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 503-2281353, orsymphony.org. 7:30 pm Saturday

and 4 pm Sunday, Dec. 9-10. $25-$117.

GO: Rose Quarter Guitar Show

Guitar players at every skill level should be stoked about this gathering of stringed instruments. The Rose Quarter Guitar Show will have new and used Fenders, Gibsons, Voxes and more for attendees to buy, trade or simply gawk at. Organizers encourage you to get there early since they’ll be giving away 100 sets of C.F. Martin acoustic strings and 100 sets of Darco Electric strings at the door. Guitars won’t be the only equipment available to purchase— vendors will also have amps, effect pedals, lap steels, banjos and even ukuleles. Veterans Memorial Coliseum, 300 N Ramsay Way, 503-235-8771, westcoastguitarshows. com. 10 am-3:30 pm Sunday, Dec. 10. $15 at the door.

LISTEN: Powell’s Books Presents Henry Winkler

You may know him as the cool guy in the leather jacket from Happy Days or as a Los Angeles acting teacher caught up in a murder investigation in HBO’s Barry, but you won’t really know Henry Winkler until you hear more about his life from the man himself. The Emmy-winning actor has just released a memoir titled Being Henry, and at this live appearance he’ll be describing some of the content in his book, which includes everything from the struggles of dealing with severe dyslexia, the initial troubles of having a career defined by The Fonz, and how therapy played a key role in his personal and professional development.

We can only hope he will also talk about that pop culture-defining moment when Arthur Fonzarelli literally jumped the shark.

Revolution Hall, 1300 SE Stark St., 971-8085094, revolutionhall.com. 7:30 pm Tuesday, Dec. 12. $40.

SEE MORE GET BUSY EVENTS AT WWEEK.COM/CALENDAR Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

35

FOOD & DRINK

Editor: Andi Prewitt Contact: aprewitt@wweek.com

Top 5

Top 5

Buzz List

Hot Plates

WHERE TO DRINK THIS WEEK.

WHERE TO EAT THIS WEEK.

COURTESY OF DESCHUTES BREWERY

1. LAWLESS BARBECUE AT MY-O-MY

8627 NE Sandy Blvd., lawlessq.com. 3 pm-late Tuesday-Sunday.

Lawless Barbecue, the former cloud kitchen turned Little Beast Brewing’s hit resident pitmaster, has launched a second location. Owner Kevin Koch decided he was ready to expand after developing a following and discovered that My-O-My was looking for a new food truck partner. So why make a special trip to that tavern for KC-style ’cue? Because you’ll get to try something new. Koch is offering a different menu, which so far includes jumbo wings with your choice of sauce (Alabama white, Kansas City sweet, and lemon pepper wet), St. Louis ribs, loaded waffle fries, and a mac with pulled pork.

2. FERMENT BREWING

403 Portway Ave., Hood River, 541-436-3499, fermentbrewing.com. 11 am-9 pm Monday-Friday, 10 am-9 pm Saturday-Sunday.

The yurts are up at Ferment, which means we’re officially headed into winter. The heated huts that debuted on the brewery’s second-floor patio during the pandemic proved to be so popular, they’re making their return.

And that’s not the only seasonal change; there are a slew of new hearty menu items that should fortify you from the cold like sweet-and-spicy popcorn chicken, miso-maple Brussels sprouts, artichoke dip and stout brownies. On top of that, Ferment has introduced brunch from 10 am to noon on Saturday and Sunday. Starting your weekend with biscuits and bacon gravy alongside a barleywine? That’s a pro move.

3. AN XUYÊN BAKERY

1. DESCHUTES BREWERY PORTLAND PUBLIC HOUSE

210 NW 11th Ave., 503-296-4906, deschutesbrewery.com/visit-us/portland-public-house. 10 am-2 pm Saturday, through Dec. 30.

Maybe it’s the early sunsets, the holiday vacation vibes, or both, but a boozy brunch always sounds inviting this time of year. And fortunately for midday meal lovers, Deschutes is hosting a lineup of new weekly holiday-themed brunches through the end of the year. Every Saturday, you can get your crab Benedict, shakshuka or sausage scramble with a side of festivities—everything from an ugly sweater fun run to a Christmas cookie decoration party to a New Year’s Eve Eve bash with bottomless mimosas. But take our advice: Pass on the sparkling wine-spiked OJ and go instead for the seasonal Jubelale (you are at a brewery, after all), which has notes of hot chocolate and Grandma’s toffee.

2. HEATHMAN HOTEL HOLIDAY TEA

1001 SW Broadway, 503-241-4100, heathmanhotel.com/event/holiday-tea. 11 am-3 pm Friday-Sunday, through Dec. 31. $65 for adults, $25 for children 3-12.

Holiday Tea was long one of the Heathman Hotel’s most popular traditions that was suspended, just like pretty much everything else, once COVID hit. Now, for the first time since 2019, you can indulge in tiny cakes and sandwiches served on tiered silver platters as well as hot herbal beverages poured from beautiful porcelain pots at the iconic downtown business. Service began the day after Thanksgiving in the handsome library and mezzanine, where you’ll have six Smith Teamaker varieties to choose from, including three holiday-themed flavors: Ho-Ho-Hoji-Chai, Silent Night and Chocolate Peppermint Pu-erh. You can also get your tea in a mixed drink: The G&Tea is a gin and tonic with Lord Bergamot.

3. L’CHAIM BY LEIKAM BREWING

5812 E Burnside St., 503-477-4743, leikambeer.com/latkesandlagers. 4-10 pm Monday-Thursday, 3-10 pm Friday-Sunday, Dec. 1-15.

Christmas pop-up bars are pretty commonplace now—there are nearly half a dozen this year in Portland at last count.

But what about our Hanukkah-celebrating friends? Thankfully, Leikam Brewing—the city’s first and only kosher beer producer—has stepped up to offer a Festival of Lights experience named after a classic Jewish toast (to life) from Dec. 1 through 15. Expect a variety of events—from a Hanukkah-themed comedy night to live music by Congregation Beth Israel to a dance party. What to drink? The delightfully named Ain’t No Challahback Girl Ale or one of the eight themed cocktails. L’chaim, indeed!

4. AVIATION AMERICAN GIN

2075 NW Wilson St., 503-946-1539, aviationgin.com. Noon-7 pm Thursday-Sunday.

Aviation American Gin’s shiny, sprawling production facility and tasting room has been open for just over a year now, and it offers a distillery experience unlike any other in the city. The nearly 33,000-square-foot building has six cocktails on tap, a gift shop, beautiful copper stills, and an escape room with a Ryan Reynolds theme (the Deadpool star acquired a stake in the company, in case you hadn’t heard by now). You’ve already had Thanksgiving dinner, but you can drink it again here—Aviation has rolled out five holiday feast-themed cocktails, from a pumpkin pie martini to a stuffing Negroni. We’re most excited to try the turkey and gravy martini made with chicken stock and Tabasco just to see if it works.

5. OLD ASIA TEAHOUSE & RESTAURANT

12055 SW 1st St., Beaverton, 971-249-3763, oldasia.co. 4-9 pm Thursday-Friday, noon-9 pm Saturday-Sunday.

Top Burmese, the miniature empire known for its curries and cute robot servers, has opened a new property—the first not bearing its name. In late October, the company launched Old Asia, dubbed “The Biggest Little Restaurant” because the dining area is about as big as a generously sized walk-in closet—though one that is ornately decorated. Shelves behind the counter are filled with jars containing tea leaves (green, black, oolong and pu-erh), but if it’s booze you’re after, we recommend the Koji Afternoon Coffee, which has deeper, more satisfying flavors than an espresso martini thanks to the combination of Vietnamese milk coffee and Jameson whiskey. Though if you’ve already had your daily allowance of caffeine, opt for First Love: an effervescent blend of passion fruit, ginger beer and rose vodka.

36

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

5345 SE Foster Road, 503-788-0866, mng890.wixsite.com/an-xuyenbakery. 7 am-6 pm Tuesday-Saturday, 7 am-3 pm Sunday.

For nearly 25 years, An Xuyên Bakery has sat unassumingly on Foster Road. The self-proclaimed “Authentic Artisan Pan Asian Pacific Bakery and Deli” serves an array of sweet and savory goods for almost absurdly affordable prices. Upon walking in, you better make up your mind fast, since a line will form behind you almost immediately. Start with a lunch item like a jalapeño-filled bánh mi prepared on the same crusty yet fluffy baguettes that the bakery supplies to numerous restaurants around town.

Once your main course is checked off, end with dessert—we recommend a meticulously decorated red velvet cupcake.

4. SIBEIHO MAMAK DELI AT THE MINNOW

740 NW 23rd Ave., 503-406-8438, sibeiho.com, theminnowpdx.com. 11 am5:30 pm Wednesday-Sunday.

Supper club-turned-sambal sauce-maker Sibeiho and food delivery business The Minnow teamed up in August to launch this outlet, which features pantry items, including jars of that chile paste, as well as meal kits. More recently, the deli began offering ready-to-eat and -drink items like coffee made from Portland Cà Phê beans, malted chocolate topped with whipped cream and sprinkles, and snacks that will satisfy fans of both sweet and savory foods. The former should order buns smeared with coconut milk jam, while the Spam-and-mayo-stuffed version was made specifically for salt lovers.

5. MAGNA KUBO

12406 SW Broadway, Beaverton, 971-268-5990, magnakubo.com. Noon-9 pm (or until sold out) Thursday-Sunday.

Magna Kubo, the Beaverton spinoff of much-acclaimed Portland restaurant Magna Kusina, also serves food from the Philippines, but emphasizes the simpler, more casual approach of a lechonería, with roasted meat and accompaniments as the focus. The closest item on the menu to traditional lechon (strictly speaking, spit-roasted suckling pig) is liempo or crispy pork. It is a pound of pure porcine pleasure: tender pale meat interspersed with layers of delectable, jiggly fat and a crunchy, golden-skin crust. For a leaner red meat treat, try the bistek, beef shoulder marinated in a bath of soy sauce and cola flavored with star anise and garlic. Need some veg with all that protein? We were enchanted with laing, coconut milk-braised greens and onion pepped up with fried shallots and chiles.

SPORTS COURTESY OF RIP CITY REMIX

TIP TOP: Remix center Lacey James goes up for a jump ball against the South Bay Lakers at the Chiles Center.

Remix Just Dropped

The NBA G League has arrived in Portland. What is it? Will you like it?

BY ROBERT OHMAN @blazesketball

The Rip City Remix, the Trail Blazers’ fledging minor league affiliate, is hoping to sell you a different experience than their parent club: a good, old-fashioned game of basketball.

The scene at the University of Portland’s Chiles Center is a decidedly non-digital experience. The video screen is hardly noticeable—the size of a large television rather than a small tennis court—and nobody’s asking you to download an app or place a bet. The hallways smell like popcorn, and you can see the expressions on players’ faces. Hot dogs and beer are each $7.

As the Blazers set out into life after Damian Lillard with more questions than answers, the front office has continued searching for players between the couch cushions of every league in the world. Ahead of this season, their efforts included finally getting around to setting up their own franchise in the NBA’s minor league, the G League, where a collection of veteran castoffs, teenagers who went pro early, small big men, and shooting guards who can’t shoot play a season of basketball for a cult following.

On the Monday before Thanksgiving when I took in my first G League game, one that saw the Remix host the Ontario, Calif., affiliate of the Clippers, the fans who had come out appeared curious about what they would see. Player intros started without the lights being brought down, and the public address announcer introduced the team’s starting center: “...Moses Broooown!”

But there was no Moses Brown. Scattered applause was directed at his empty chair.

Brown, who had been talking to an assistant coach near the scorer’s table, sheepishly ran over to his teammates while the rest of the

starting lineup was introduced: Jamaree Bouyea, a second-year point guard with a receding hairline; Jarrey Foster, a 26-year-old forward with two torn ACLs who refers to himself as a “Former Elite Athlete” on his own LinkedIn page; Kris Murray, a rookie first-round draft pick who’s found himself the odd man out in the Blazers’ rotation; and Rayan Rupert, a French 19-year-old snagged by the team with its second-round pick who looks like a very fierce baby deer.

The Remix and their counterparts from California’s 25th-largest city gathered at center court for the opening tip, which Brown won easily. Once a highly touted recruit out of Queens, Brown left UCLA after one season to turn pro but went undrafted. He’s had two stints with the Blazers and five with other NBA teams. The Remix is his sixth G League team.

Most players get far fewer chances than Brown has received so far, but most players aren’t anywhere near as gigantic (he’s listed at 7-foot-2, 260 pounds and has a reported 7-foot4-inch wingspan). In a more intimate setting, he appears at least 11 feet tall.

Now 24 years old, Brown’s getting a little long in the tooth to still be considered a prospect.

This might be his last good chance, and if it doesn’t work out in Portland, he’ll likely soon find himself in Greece or Turkey or China playing for slightly better money. If, however, he finally puts together all the pieces of his game, he could play 10 more seasons in the NBA and make something in the neighborhood of a hundred million dollars.

So it goes in the G League, where the stakes

are high and the crowds are small.

Called the NBA Development League (“the D-League” colloquially) before Gatorade bought the naming rights in 2017, the G League comprises three kinds of players.

First, there are standard G Leaguers, who earn minimum salaries of $40,500 and have typically passed up more lucrative overseas contracts in order to stay within eyeshot of NBA scouts and general managers. Second, there are NBA players on assignment, usually younger prospects or players returning from injury (they still make NBA money).

The third type are players on two-way contracts, which means they make about $500,000 and play a little bit for both teams.

For many years, the Blazers were one of the only teams in the NBA that didn’t have their own G League affiliate. After announcing the team’s creation last season, management stood their new franchise up quickly—at one point holding open tryouts in Portland and Seattle— and set up shop at the Chiles Center.

It seems to have been the right choice. The arena’s the right size, about 5,000 seats, and logistically feasible for fans, who can either park in the large lot next to the building or take the TriMet 44 bus, which stops on the same block.

Most seats are about $20 for adults, $5 for kids. There’s a little beer garden on the baseline that sells a Remix-branded IPA from Backwoods Brewing, and the DJ in the opposite corner keeps things humming. The PA guy, who also does Seahawks games, is terrific.

There were no Blazer players in attendance

The hallways smell like popcorn, and you can see the expressions on players’ faces. Hot dogs and beer are each $7.

to see Moses Brown and company that night because the team was on the road, but I’d expect they’ll be in the building from time to time (a few were at the season opener in L.A.). Blazers’ GM Joe Cronin was there, however, sitting in the corner and giving off a sort of Thanos vibe.

The Remix led 59-47 at halftime, for which the players disappeared after ducking under a regular human-sized doorframe. The halftime entertainment lasted for about a minute and a half and consisted of two kids who looked about the same age as Rupert taking their military oaths of service.

Eventually, Moses Brown emerged through said doorframe with a smile on his face and walked over to fist-bump Cronin. He then came down to the opposite side of the floor and airballed his first practice free throw. He’d finish the game with 19 points, 11 rebounds and four blocks, showing throughout both why he’s in the G League and why he’s gotten so many chances.

The Remix pulled away at the end to win behind guard Malachi Smith’s 26 points off the bench, but not before Moses Brown saw the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.

Dewayne Dedmon—34, veteran of more than 500 NBA games—logged four minutes for the Clippers and guarded Brown for a stretch.

Dedmon’s career began in the G League when he was Moses Brown’s age, though it was still called the D-League at the time. Now, with a little bit of gas left in the tank, he plays in small gyms for a small salary, staying in shape and waiting for one last call-up that may never come.

GO: The Rip City Remix begins a threegame homestand with a game against the Stockton Kings at the Chiles Center, 5000 N Willamette Blvd., ripcity.gleague.nba.com. 6 pm Thursday, Dec. 7. $10.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

37

SHOWS OF THE WEEK

MUSIC

Editor: Bennett Campbell Ferguson | Contact: bennett@wweek.com S A N J AY K A P I L A

W H AT TO S E E A N D W H AT TO H E A R

BY DA N I E L B R O M F I E L D @ b r o m f 3

FRIDAY, DEC. 8:

It might seem surprising in the posttechie 2020s, but San Francisco was once a pretty good place to be in an indie rock band. Swell was one of a crop of Bay Area groups in the 1990s making slow, atmospheric music that seemed chilled to its very bones by the San Francisco fog. (Others included Red House Painters, American Music Club, and the Gen Z-beloved Duster.) Sadly, singer David Freel died last year, but the band’s remaining original members have come together for a West Coast reunion tour. Mississippi Studios, 3939 N Mississippi Ave. 9 pm. $25. 21+.

SATURDAY, DEC. 9:

Power Play The Lansing, Mich., emo band Hot Mulligan is often spoken about in hushed, reverent tones by those who’ve spent enough time in the American underground rock universe, and for good reason: Their zany humor is matched only by the relentless intensity of their music, which can at times be so emotionally overwhelming that the only sane response is to shout along. Crystal Ballroom, 1332 W Burnside St. 7 pm. $29.50. All ages.

MONDAY, DEC. 11:

Grave, bearded, and often beanie-clad, Robert Glasper is one of the great jazz piano innovators of the 21st century. His live sets, inflected with dubby samples and soundbites, suggest an alternate history where Jamaican soundsystem culture had been invented 20 years earlier during the hard-bop era. And if you haven’t heard his strikingly original solo work, you might’ve heard his keys deep in the mix on recordings by Kendrick Lamar, Mac Miller, Anderson .Paak, and other forward-thinking rap artists. Roseland Theater, 8 NW 6th Ave. 8 pm. $38.50. 21+.

38

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

Aided by Mo Troper, Bory is bringing new life to Portland’s power-pop scene.

BY DA N I E L B R O M F I E L D @ b r o m f 3

Brenden Ramirez didn’t know he was making power pop. Nor did any of the original power-pop musicians, for that matter.

Difficult to define and fiercely contested even by its devotees, power pop developed when later generations of musicians emulated the sound of ’60s British Invasion bands like the Beatles and the early Who, turning up the overdrive and leaning into the longing that was always bubbling under the surface of songs like “I Want to Hold Your Hand.”

“The Beatles are a huge band for me,” says Ramirez, who records as Bory and whose debut, Who’s a Good Boy, comes out this Friday on Earth Worms. “But I don’t think I even knew what power pop was until I met Mo, which I think is a common occurrence for people who meet Mo.” Mo Troper, the singer-songwriter (and sometime WW contributor) at the center of the Portland power-pop community, was one of the first musicians Ramirez got in touch with after moving to the city from Salem in 2018. When Ramirez found out Troper needed a second guitarist in his band, Ramirez signed up and was swept into a seemingly limitless universe of fellow artists both past and present who shared his love for short, sweet pop songs with ear-splitting guitars.

Born in Orange County, Ramirez was inspired by his musician uncle to pick up guitar “in fifth or sixth grade” and soon began taking it very seriously, studying under former Earth, Wind & Fire saxophonist Ira Raibon and eventually pursuing music at Willamette University.

Ramirez’s studies left him with an ongoing appreciation for music education. After graduating in 2017, he briefly went to Nepal to teach at the Kathmandu Jazz Conservatory, and he still gives guitar lessons.

Yet it took some time for him to figure out what to do with everything he’d learned. “I was studying jazz,” he says, “and I don’t think I’m very good at jazz, or ever was.”

Ramirez played in rock bands throughout high school and college, but Bory—which Ramirez launched in 2019, a year after he started playing with Troper—is the first project where he’s taken the lead as

a singer and songwriter. “I think I was scared—like, oh, I’m not good at it right away, I must just not be good at it,” he says. “Mo was a huge role model for me.”

In addition to encouraging Ramirez’s songwriting, Troper plugged him into the larger ecosystem of touring underground American rock bands committed to catchy songs and loud guitars. Ramirez played guitar and sang on Diners’ acclaimed Troper-produced album Domino earlier this year, and as a member of Troper’s band, Ramirez was able to tour and perform with the likes of Bay Area punk auteur Tony Molina and Philly emo stalwarts Slaughter Beach, Dog. Bory’s first release, the 2021 EP Sidelined, was self-recorded. Who’s a Good Boy was recorded with Ramirez and Troper playing every instrument, and the difference in scale from Sidelined is apparent from the record’s opening seconds. Ramirez’s yearning voice and confident melodies cut through a wall of overdubbed guitars, both acoustic and electric, that sounds almost cartoonishly exaggerated at times. His writing is simple and direct, eschewing the hyperspecific references that are a hallmark of much indie-rock songwriting in the 2020s.

“The easiest way I can write words to songs is something very conversational,” Ramirez says. “The perspective of directly talking to someone seems to be the only way to write my words.” This songwriting style gels with Ramirez’s melodic sensibility, inspired not just by the Beatles but also artists like Elliott Smith and The Apples in Stereo, who brought ’60s popcraft into the alt-rock era.

The last thing to come was the title. Dogs are poignant metaphors in rock for many reasons: their undying devotion, their incomprehension of their lot in life, their short lifespans, their association with childhood memories. Yet Ramirez insists nothing so deep motivated the name.

“It’s not my dog or anyone’s dog,” Ramirez says of the dog on the cover, which stares at an icy landscape like a figure in a Caspar David Friedrich painting. “The name was nice because it’s kind of funny, but also I think it does tie into the songs at least somewhat because a lot of my songs are really self-reflective or self-deprecating. It’s something I’m trying to work on, honestly.”

CULTURE

Editor: Bennett Campbell Ferguson | Contact: bennett@wweek.com

COURTESY OF MARK EITZEL

C O U R T E S Y O F P O R T L A N D P L AY H O U S R

SHOW REVIEW

Mark Eitzel at Expensify

BY R O B E R T H A M

Humbug Reborn Portland Playhouse enlivens A Christmas Carol with modern verve.

BY E R I C A S H

With the exception of the 2020-21 season that fell in the thick of the pandemic, Portland Playhouse has produced A Christmas Carol every season since its sixth in 2013-14. That season followed a yearlong legal battle with the city of Portland to allow the nonprofit theater to continue operating in the disused Highland Congregational Church—a battle won with the help of the King Neighborhood Association.

This holiday season, 10 years after the tradition began, A Christmas Carol returns to the Playhouse with music by Rick Lombardo and Anna Lackaff—plus some modern anachronistic flourishes.

Best described as a holiday jukebox musical, the play is powered by traditional Christmas carols—some sung, some eerily hummed in thrilling moments. Helming the production for the first time is Charles Grant, taking the director’s chair after years as an actor in past Playhouse productions (playing the Ghost of Christmas Present, among other roles).

True to Charles Dickens’ novel, the play alludes to a traumatic past for Scrooge (Lester Purry). When he was a boy (played

by Ellis Robinson, alternating with Inara

Elorreaga), his father left him all alone at boarding school for many Christmases, and his growing greed in his youth (during which he’s played by Lauren Steele, who also plays Mrs. Cratchit) cost him his engagement to Belle (Tessa May).

This production also includes a disco ball at Fezziwig’s party, and Scrooge sneaks in a fist bump late in the show.

Though the play doesn’t delve into any more detail, Purry cleverly plays the older Scrooge with an aversion to touch, a detail that noticeably separates him from the other characters, emphasizing the story’s familial and friendship bonds.

In contrast to Scrooge, his nephew Fred (Claire Rigsby) bounds into the counting house ready to embrace his uncle and wish him a merry Christmas. Bob Cratchit (DJ Curtis) warms up to Fred and enthusiastically cheers him on until Scrooge shouts him down. As for Cratchit, his family, which

includes Tiny Tim (also played by Robinson, alternating with Elorreaga), is as loving and embattled as ever.

Other standouts include Steele, who sings in the warmup jams before the show, led on the accordion by musical director Benjamin Tissell, who also plays Marley and the Ghost of Christmas Past, who looks like a ’70s English prog-rocker, complete with sunglasses and a clock-patterned hat. The sunglasses are a bit peculiar (they weren’t mass produced until 1929), but then again, this production also includes a disco ball at Fezziwig’s party, and Scrooge sneaks in a fist bump late in the show.

A Christmas Carol may be a Portland Playhouse tradition, but even the most storied rituals can benefit from a little glitter and glam.

SEE IT: A Christmas Carol plays at Portland Playhouse, 602 NE Prescott St., 503-488-5822, portlandplayhouse.org. 7 pm Wednesday-Sunday, 2 pm Saturday-Sunday, through Dec. 30. $59.95, $5 Arts for All, limited number of $25 tickets available.

The first time I saw Mark Eitzel perform live, he was serving as opening act for British pop duo Everything but the Girl.

His set of pained and passionate torch songs was gorgeous, but it fell on the deaf ears of the thousands of folks lounging on the grass at the outdoor amphitheater.

The setting for my most recent encounter with Eitzel was far more unusual—the luxe lobby of software company Expensify’s headquarters on Southwest 5th Avenue—but the crowd was much more amenable, hanging on his every word like true acolytes.

The genius of these “living room”-style shows that Eitzel has been doing for the past few years isn’t hard to grasp. He gets to play to folks who actually want to hear him, and his fans get to experience his music in a much more intimate setting than a nightclub or a massive shed. It also allowed Eitzel to get good and loose in his performance. (The red wine he had nearby surely helped.)

He introduced each song breathlessly, regaling us with stories of the broken souls and tender moments that inspired each one. We were told of the gay stripper with a stuffed animal attached to his jockstrap that inspired “Patriot’s Heart” and about the lovely scene of a dad shooting off fireworks for his son against the backdrop of a sunset that turned into “Western Sky.” He got playfully catty with the audience’s interjections and enthusiasm.

Eitzel also poured every last ounce of himself into material that was, in some cases, around 35 years old. Every syllable he sang seemed to come from some deep place within his slender frame, resulting in slight contortions of his body and vocals that boomed around the marble interior of the former bank with operatic volume and zeal.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

39

GET YOUR REPS IN

MOVIES

Editor: Bennett Campbell Ferguson Contact: bennett@wweek.com

screener

COURTESY OF NETFLIX

Room 237 (2012) Zooming…zooming…middle photograph, second row. There’s Jack Torrance, beaming, fronting his new (old?) family. July 4th Ball, 1921.

For most, the iconic final frames of The Shining are more than enough. For the select few who need a galaxy-brain digestif, there’s Room 237. Rodney Ascher’s documentary is a fascinating, admirable, baffling microphone for five Shining obsessives who see Stanley Kubrick’s classic ghost story as a portal into psychoanalysis, historical revelations and conspiracies.

Ascher acts as a portal himself, assuming the pose of the neutral, reverent video essayist, weaving clips to explore his interviewees’ passionate narration that The Shining is actually about the genocide of Native Americans, the Holocaust, faked moon landing footage, the advertising industry, and minotaurs.

Some observations, like fan maps of the literal and subliminal architecture of the Overlook Hotel, beautifully add to the film’s mystique. Some observations almost dismiss the movie as a Trojan horse that the obsessives barely seem to like.

Your mileage may vary as to whether the documentary is some of the most committed amateur film criticism you’ve ever heard or total crackpottery. (Most likely it’s both.)

Either way, the sway of The Shining holds. The voices of Room 237 are part of this story now, this family now, this hotel now—propagating its aura into eternity.

Room 237 plays Dec. 8 and 9 at PAM CUT’s Tomorrow Theater. Immediately afterward, at 9 pm, you can test one of the documentary’s most famous takeaways—that hidden meanings arise when The Shining is played forward and backward at the same time. Corey J. Brewer will provide a live score for that experimental projection.

ALSO PLAYING: Cinema 21: Tokyo Godfathers (2003), Dec. 11. Clinton: The Man Who Wasn’t There (2001), Dec. 12. Hollywood: Ran (1985), Dec. 11. Dragon Princess (1976), Dec. 12. Tomorrow Theater: Short Term 12 (2013), Dec. 7. The Angry Black Girl and Her Monster (2023), Dec. 10.

40

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

Scott Free Nineteen years ago, Portland’s Oni Press gave birth to Scott Pilgrim.

Now a Netflix series is giving the character a shocking makeover. takes off—as in, exits the story. He is immediately killed, leaving behind only $2.10 Canadian and some very confused friends (and audience Hollywood is an industry built to cycle through trends and fads, and members). among the current big concepts inundating mainstream media are At this point, the story becomes the tale of Scott’s supporting cast as stories about the multiverse. Whether it’s Doctor Who or Doctor Strange, they soldier on in his absence. New passions are discovered and, in a meta Star Trek or Space Jam, audiences are acutely aware of how much their twist, a biopic of Scott’s “precious little life” is commissioned, all while favorite movies and shows are regurgitations of someone’s nostalgia, the evil exes find themselves adrift with their mission “accomplished.”

However, the most significant story is that of Ramona herself, who whether it’s their own or otherwise.

But lo, a new challenger approaches: Scott Pilgrim Takes Off, a rebelieves there’s more to Scott’s death than meets the eye and sets out adaptation of the indie comic favorite, this time in anime form. If you’re to learn exactly what became of her beloved bumbling bassist. unfamiliar with Bryan Lee O’Malley’s magnum opus (published by Takes Off caught many a viewer off-guard, but once you know what Portland’s own Oni Press), the story follows its titular protagonist, a game you’re playing, it becomes a fascinating journey as O’Malley applies 23-year-old Torontonian slacker who becomes infatuated with Ramona a new sense of empathy and care to a series he wrote 20 years ago.

Flowers, the neon-haired new girl in town.

Ramona’s story remains the most significant element; SCOTT PILGRIM However, Ramona arrives with baggage in the while not exactly passive in the original narrative, form of the League of Evil Exes: seven of her TAKES OFF—AS IN, Ramona spent most of her time acted upon by Scott or former paramours who have made it their mission the exes. Takes Off puts her in the driver’s seat, giving EXITS THE STORY her control of her own story as she becomes the one to to dictate the course of her love life. In order to date Ramona, Scott must defeat the exes in Street fight for Scott, even though she’s only been on one date Fighter-esque brawls and, in doing so, find some semblance of maturity with him. and perspective in himself.

What’s more, Scott Pilgrim Takes Off opts to give our villains more Scott Pilgrim’s blend of mumblecore humor and manga action made depth and complexity. Since Ramona figures the likeliest suspects in it a favorite among graphic novel aficionados, culminating in a film Scott’s disappearance are her evil exes, it forces her to actually talk to adaptation in 2010. Sadly, Scott Pilgrim vs. the World fell short of box them outside the context of fighting for her love life and settle whatever office expectations, but the all-star cast, visual spectacle, and direction unfinished business they have. There’s still some spectacular action from geek god Edgar Wright made the project a cult classic almost set pieces (a brawl in a video store that sends our contenders into instantly. different movie landscapes as they fight is a standout), but the core of Nine years later, anime studio Science SARU approached O’Malley it is humanizing the exes, uncovering the insecurities, and offering the about bringing Scott, Ramona, and all their friends (and enemies) to possibility of redemption (or at least a healthier pastime than plotting revenge). the small screen in cartoon form. The result of their collaboration is the eight-episode Scott Pilgrim Takes Off, now streaming on Netflix.

There are still more twists and turns and celebrity guest stars before Although advertised as a truer-to-the-text adaptation of the graphic the credits roll in Episode 8, but Scott Pilgrim Takes Off maintains novels, O’Malley and co-writer BenDavid Grabinski instead deliver a the action, humor and style that made O’Malley’s work so beloved. In deconstruction of the material that reads as a writer addressing the a media landscape that bends over backward to cater to fans, Takes shortcomings of his own best-known work.

Off instead takes its source material to task and emerges sharper and The show’s premiere episode is a speedrun through the first act of more nuanced because of it. It doesn’t dismiss the original series or the Scott’s story as he meets Ramona, asks her out, and learns about the movie, but shines as a companion piece to them and proves it’s never League. However, as the episode climaxes with Scott’s duel against the too late for an old nerd to learn new tricks. first evil ex, the real meaning of the title is revealed as Scott Pilgrim

BY MORGAN SHAUNETTE

MOVIES TOP PICK OF THE WEEK

COURTESY OF NETFLIX

AMERICAN SYMPHONY

American Symphony explores a year in the life of musician Jon Batiste, who has worked with artists ranging from Stevie Wonder to Ed Sheeran. Director Matthew Heineman’s documentary briefly touches on Batiste’s life growing up in New Orleans, his time at Juilliard and The Late Show With Stephen Colbert, and his Grammy success, but for the most part stays focused on Batiste putting together his first symphony while his wife, Suleika Jaouad, battled leukemia. Heineman captures moments both sweeping and subtle in Batiste’s life; in one scene Batiste guides a room full of dozens of musicians with enthusiasm, while in the next he faces depression. One wishes more of Jaouad’s life were explored beyond her cancer diagnosis (Heineman occasionally holds her at arm’s length), but American Symphony reaches a moving and rousing climax when it offers a look at the performance of Batiste’s symphony at Carnegie Hall. When Batiste is forced to improvise on the piano, the moment is a testament to his brilliance as an artist, as is the film itself. PG-13. DANIEL RESTER. Netflix.

NAPOLEON

Near the end of Napoleon, the eponymous French emperor (Joaquin Phoenix) demands to know what happened to the adoring letters he wrote to his beloved Joséphine (Vanessa Kirby). Yet for all his lordly airs, Napoleon doesn’t sound like a conqueror; he sounds like a high schooler whining about his flirty love notes to a cute girl in algebra class getting tossed in the trash. Such is life in Napoleon, which fuses the beautifully erratic humanity of Phoenix with the sweeping meticulousness of director Ridley Scott. Portraying Napoleon as both a devilish strategist and a lovesick dope is hardly a stretch: When the emperor died in exile in 1821, his final words were, “France, the army, head of the army, Joséphine.” That demands a paramour of mythic proportions, though “mythic” hardly does Kirby’s Joséphine justice. A scene in which she bares her crotch to Napoleon (“once you see it, you will always want it,” she prophetically declares) is memorable but barely necessary; one word spoken in Kirby’s steely, velvety voice could seduce all but the sternest of authoritarians. Napoleon is even better as a sex comedy than it is as a violent spectacle, which is really saying something: Even the melees Scott staged for Gladiator are outdone by his poetic and brutish re-creation of Napoleon’s theatrics at the Battle of Austerlitz, which leaves Lake Satschen filled with ice, blood and cannonballs. Still, Scott never lets us forget that Napoleon is the overgrown adolescent who, in one scene, shames an Englishman by shouting,

“You think you’re so great because you have boats!” Cry havoc and let slip the boys of war. R. BENNETT CAMPBELL FERGUSON. Academy, Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division Street, Eastport, Fox Tower, Lake Theater, Laurelhurst, Living Room, Lloyd Center, Mill Plain, Oak Grove, Studio One.

CAN’T SEEM TO MAKE YOU MINE

Fresh out of jail and acclimating to Southeast Portland, Wilder (Zachary Ray Sherman) has his feet in different worlds. His initial connection to the outside is former prison pen pal Riley (Jessica Barr), a young open-minded sex worker. Then there’s the sway of the past: Wilder has a 6-year-old son he’s never met and an ex (Lindsay Burdge) with every reason not to trust his gestures toward reconciliation. That may sound like a moralistic setup, but directors Aaron Keene and Sara Burke (both former Portlanders) withhold judgment. Can’t Seem to Make You Mine is a patient character study, all handheld close-ups, watching and waiting as Wilder negotiates the tensions of life beyond a cell. Sherman, another former Portlander, plays Wilder as an ex-con whose battle is not with an outlaw spirit but his own nervous system. Can his twitchiness handle an interminable safety lecture at a new welding job? Can he give his estranged son an impromptu bath without distress turning to anger? In this way, the film blurs Wilder’s suggested make-good arc into something increasingly lifelike. Redemption is too idealistic a concept when relationships are built moment by moment. NR. CHANCE SOLEM-PFEIFER. Hollywood.

7:30 pm Wednesday, Dec. 6. Filmmaker Q&A after the screening.

THANKSGIVING

Director Eli Roth offers up a bloody feast for fans of old-school slashers with Thanksgiving, a feature-length adaptation of his fake trailer that played in front of Grindhouse (2007). The film opens with a bang as chaos spreads in a Right Mart during Black Friday sales on Thanksgiving night; Roth treats the scene more like a zombie invasion than a shopping event. The plot then jumps forward a year as a killer in a pilgrim mask targets a group of teens he finds responsible for the previous holiday disaster. Thanksgiving may be Roth’s best horror effort since he traumatized audiences with Hostel (2006). Yes, the premise is silly, but the movie knows it, winking at the audience with absurd scenarios and over-the-top gore. (One scene involving a cat is especially welcome.)

The killer’s identity, motivation and even downfall can be guessed pretty early on, but seasoned horror fans

should enjoy watching Roth cook with ingredients borrowed from Pieces (1982) and I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997). Dinner is served. R. DANIEL RESTER. Cascade, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division Street, Eastport, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Center, Pioneer Place, Stark Street, Vancouver Mall, Vancouver Plaza.

MAESTRO

“I love too much,” Leonard Bernstein (Bradley Cooper) confesses in Maestro. “I’m reining it in!” Fat chance.

Belted with mock seriousness, that declaration makes clear that Bernstein has no intention of containing his passion for anything—not composing, not conducting, not women and not men.

Best known for his swooning, transcendent West Side Story melodies, Bernstein was both an unyielding artist and a crusader for civil rights and nuclear disarmament. Neither side of his personality feels fully present in Maestro, which was directed by Cooper, who prefers to feast on Bernstein’s tortured marriage to Felicia Montealegre (Carey Mulligan). After a beautifully surreal first act packed with spry dancing sailors, Maestro dutifully details Bernstein’s extramarital conquests, remaining remarkably unmusical for a movie about the man who became the most famous conductor in America at 25. Yes, Cooper ebulliently re-creates the 1973 performance of Mahler’s Symphony No. 2 that Bernstein conducted at Ely Cathedral, but since the film shows barely any interest in the craft of conducting, he may as well just be an elegant arm waver. (Cate Blanchett was more credible as a fictitious conductor in Tár.)

And the brutal, borderline exploitive scenes chronicling Felicia’s battle with lung cancer? They inadvertently reveal the shallow swagger of Cooper’s vision.

For all its pretensions, Maestro isn’t art; it’s punishment. R. BENNETT CAMPBELL FERGUSON. Living Room.

WISH

This year marks the centennial of Walt Disney Studios, which is celebrating by releasing Wish, a distillation of its fairy tale mastery filtered through the lens of modernity, but riddled with references to the House of Mouse’s back catalog. Unfortunately, in all the hullabaloo, the filmmakers seem to have forgotten to make the project itself innovative or compelling. Set in the Kingdom of

Rosas, our story follows Asha (Ariana DeBose), who accidentally summons a magical wishing star from the sky, which threatens King Magnifico (Chris Pine) and his monopoly on all things enchanted and wishful. DeBose works wonders as our adorkable heroine, but there’s little to say about Asha as a character beyond that. Worse, the film’s forgettable songs lean heavy on bombast but light on poetry (the exception being Magnifico’s ode to his own despotism and the first proper villain song Disney has unleashed in years, “This Is the Thanks I Get?!” ).

Visually, there’s nothing to complain about: The film’s fusion of retro watercolors with a CGI sheen is a marvel to behold. At a breezy 95 minutes, Wish doesn’t overstay its welcome and kids are sure to enjoy the cute critters and slapstick set pieces. Older fans, however, may realize their true wish is to see something else. PG. MORGAN SHAUNETTE. Academy, Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division Street, Eastport, Fox Tower, Joy Cinema, Lloyd Center, Mill Plain, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, St. Johns Twin, Wunderland Milwaukie.

THE HUNGER GAMES: THE BALLAD OF SONGBIRDS AND SNAKES

Years after the young-adult dystopia genre crested and flattened, The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes is here to remind us of what we are missing: not much. Set 64 years before Katniss Everdeen volunteered as tribute, the story follows young Coriolanus Snow (Tom Blyth) as he’s assigned to mentor Lucy Gray Baird (Rachel Zegler) in the future’s favorite child beauty pageant/televised bloodsport. In theory, this is the origin story of how Snow went from the penniless son of a disgraced noble to the all-powerful villain Donald Sutherland played in the main trilogy. However, Snow doesn’t have much of an arc to speak of, starting and ending the film as an ambitious schemer, with his only lessons being the very obvious consequences of his actions. Snow’s eventual maxim, “It is the things we love the most that destroy us,” doesn’t amount to anything since his romance with Lucy Gray is as baffling as it is predictable and his survival is a foregone conclusion. The action outside the relationship drama is tepid at best, as Ballad retreads the beats from the earlier films but with worse editing and fewer sci-fi elements. The movie only comes alive when the actors themselves seem to be taking the piss out of the whole concept—particularly Viola Davis, who plays gamemaker Dr. Gaul as a cross between Willy Wonka and Emperor Palpatine. After 150 minutes of screentime that feels like far more, she asks Snow what the Hunger Games are for. Sadly, the best answer Ballad can give us is “because Lionsgate Films needed a tentpole in Q4.” PG-13. MORGAN SHAUNETTE. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division Street, Eastport, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower, Lloyd Center, Mill Plain, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Progress Ridge, St. Johns Twin, Studio One.

OUR KEY

: THIS MOVIE IS EXCELLENT, ONE OF THE BEST OF THE YEAR. : THIS MOVIE IS GOOD. WE RECOMMEND YOU WATCH IT. : THIS MOVIE IS ENTERTAINING BUT FLAWED. : THIS MOVIE IS A STEAMING PILE. Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

41

TRUE SCENES FROM THE STREETS! @sketchypeoplepdx

by Jack Kent

42

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

JONESIN’

FREE WILL

B Y M AT T J O N E S

"I'm not lost"--we did it!

ASTROLOGY ARIES

(March 21-April 19): I will cheer you on as you tenderly push yourself to be extra exploratory in the coming weeks. It’s exciting that you are contemplating adventures that might lead you to wild frontiers and half-forbidden zones. The chances are good that you will provoke uncanny inspirations and attract generous lessons. Go higher and deeper and further, dear Aries. Track down secret treasures and lyrical unpredictability. Experiment with the concept of holy rebellion.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): In January, I will tempt you to be a spirited adventurer who undertakes smart risks. I will invite you to consider venturing into unknown territory and expanding the scope of your education. But right now, I advise you to address your precious needs for stability and security. I encourage you to take extra good care of your comfort zone and even add cozy new features to it. Here’s a suggestion: Grab a pen and paper, or open a new file on your favorite device, then compose a list of *everything* you can do to feel exceedingly safe and supported.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20): Booker T. Washington

(1856–1915) was an American Black leader who advocated a gradual, incremental approach to fighting the effects of racism. Hard work and good education were the cornerstones of his policies. Then there was W. E. B. Dubois (1868–1963).

He was an American Black leader who encouraged a more aggressive plan of action. Protest, agitation, pressure, and relentless demands for equal rights were core principles in his philosophy. In the coming months, I recommend a blend of these attitudes for you. You’ve got two big jobs: to improve the world you live in and get all the benefits you need and deserve from it.

CANCER

ACROSS

director DuVernay

27. "I love you," in Spanish

1. _ _ _ fides (credentials)

57. Tops that don't require a bottle opener

28. Words of astonishment

5. Coll. deg. for artists 8. Mowed path 13. Long, long time 14. _ _ _ Gatos, CA 15. Breathing space 17. "Are You Being Served?" and "Friday Night Dinner," for example

63. Download the wrong way, maybe 65. Closet-organizing device

29. Promo of sorts 30. "Beetle Bailey" character

66. "Stormy" seabird

32. Spiked wheel on a boot spur

67. Winner's take

33. State one's views

68. Volunteer's statement

36. Some U.K. statespeople

69. Go for a spin?

37. Mauna _ _ _ (Hawaiian peak)

19. Shakespeare title setting

70. "All opposed" reply

20. Minced veggie for stews and casseroles

71. Heartless

40. Comedy scene

DOWN

48. General killed at Little Bighorn

22. Preschool activity 23. Near-eternity 24. Belief statement 26. Alcohol type used as biofuel 29. "Cats" poet's monogram 31. Backward-looking 34. Night sky feline

1. Word before Ruth or Bjorn 2. Fiona, eventually 3. First name among astronauts 4. Rick often behind a slick click

45. Sierra _ _ _ (Liberia neighbor)

51. Northern region 53. Flashlight battery size 54. Australian Rules, informally 55. Smartphone download

5. Like some fuses or glass

56. Vantage point

38. What lumberjacks do

6. Acronymic anxiety about exclusion

58. "SportsCenter" network

39. They're on the books

7. Part of WNBA

41. Video game protagonist with a 2023 movie

60. West Coast gas brand

8. Take time to enjoy

61. Bell ringing

42. Aucklander, casually

9. Type of "mobile" for Oscar Mayer

62. Outlook action

43. "Nah, it's all good ..."

10. Musical adaptation abbr.

44. Use your blinker

11. Early score in a baseball or basketball game

35. Urban growth

46. Former All-Star closer Robb 47. Video game character on a roll?

12. 1980s tennis star Mandlikova 16. Talk excessively

49. Poe's "Annabel _ _ _"

18. Becomes less hot

50. Postal Service symbol 52. Piano practice piece

21. Drink made from frozen grapes

54. Bob _ _ _ apples

25. Card pack

55. "A Wrinkle in Time"

26. Author Bret Easton _ _ _

©2023 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #JNZ990.

59. "Hold on there!"

64. Actress Graynor

(June 21-July 22): I periodically get a big jolt of feeling how much I don't know. I am overwhelmed with the understanding of how meager my understanding of life really is. On the one hand, this is deflating to my ego. On the other hand, it's wildly refreshing. I feel a liberating rush of relief to acknowledge that I am so far from being perfect and complete that there's no need for me to worry about trying to be perfect or complete. I heartily recommend this meditation to you, fellow Cancerian. From an astrological perspective, now is a favorable time to thrive on fertile emptiness.

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22): Have you reached your full height? If there were ever a time during your adult life when you would literally get taller, it might be in the coming weeks. And that’s not the only kind of growth spurt that may occur. Your hair and fingernails may lengthen faster than usual. I wouldn’t be shocked if your breasts or penis got bigger. But even more importantly, I suspect your healthy brain cells will multiply at a brisk pace. Your ability to understand how the world really works will flourish. You will have an increased flair for thinking creatively.

VIRGO

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): I like Virgo author Cheryl Strayed's thoughts about genuine togetherness. She says, "True intimacy isn’t a cluster fuck or a psychodrama. It isn’t the highest highs and lowest lows. It’s a tiny bit of those things on occasion, with a whole lot of everything else in between. It’s communion and mellow compatibility. It’s friendship and mutual respect." I also like Virgo author Sam Keen’s views on togetherness. He says, "At the heart of sex is something intrinsically spiritual, the desire for a union so primal it can be called divine." Let's make those two perspectives your guideposts in the coming weeks, Virgo.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): According to my interlast week’s answers

pretation of your astrological prospects, you now have the capacity to accelerate quickly and slow down smoothly; to exult in idealistic visions and hunker down in pragmatic action; to balance exuberant generosity with careful discernment—and vice versa. In general, Libra, you have an extraordinary ability to shift moods and modes with graceful effectiveness—as well as a finely honed sense of when each mood and mode is exactly right for the situation you’re in. I won’t

WEEK OF DECEMBER 7

© 2023 ROB BREZSNY

be surprised if you accomplish well-balanced miracles.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Dear Goddess — Thank

you a trillion times for never fulfilling those prayers I sent your way all those years ago.

Remember? When I begged and pleaded with you to get me into a sexy love relationship with You Know Who? I am so lucky, so glad, that you rejected my prayers. Though I didn’t see it then, I now realize that being in an intimate weave with her would have turned out badly for both her and me. You were so wise to deny me that misguided quest for “pleasure.” Now dear Goddess, I am asking you to perform a similar service for any Scorpio readers who may be beseeching you to provide them with experiences they will ultimately be better off without.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Among our most

impressive superpowers is the potency to transform ourselves in alignment with our conscious intentions. For example, suppose you feel awkward because you made an insensitive comment to a friend. In that case, you can take action to assuage any hurt feelings you caused and thereby dissolve your awkwardness. Or let’s say you no longer want to be closely connected to people who believe their freedom is more important than everyone else’s freedom. With a clear vision and a bolt of willpower, you can do what it takes to create that shift. These are acts of true magic— as wizardly as any occult ritual. I believe you will have extra access to this superpower in the coming weeks. Homework: Identify three situations or feelings you will use your magic to change.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): The eminent Capri-

corn philosopher William James (1842–1910) is referred to as the “Father of American Psychology.” He was a brilliant thinker who excelled in the arts of logic and reason. Yet he had a fundamental understanding that reason and logic were not the only valid kinds of intelligence. He wrote, “Rational consciousness is but one special type of consciousness, whilst all about it, parted from it by the filmiest of screens, there lie potential forms of consciousness entirely different.” This quote appears in his book *The Varieties of Religious Experience*. In accordance with astrological omens, I invite you to investigate those other types of consciousness in the coming months.

You don’t need drugs to do so. Simply state your intention that you want to. Other spurs: dreamwork, soulful sex, dancing, meditation, nature walks, deep conversations.

AQUARIUS

(Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Are people sometimes jealous or judgmental toward you for being so adept at multi-tasking? Are you weary of dawdlers urging you not to move, talk, and mutate so quickly? Do you fantasize about having more cohorts who could join you in your darting, daring leaps of logic? If you answered yes to these questions, I expect you will soon experience an enjoyable pivot. Your quick-change skills will be appreciated and rewarded more than usual. You will thrive while invoking the spiritual power of unpredictability.

PISCES

(Feb. 19-March 20): Romantic relationships take work if you want them to remain vigorous and authentic. So do friendships. The factors that brought you together in the first place may not be enough to keep you bonded forever. Both of you change and grow, and there's no guarantee your souls will continue to love being interwoven. If disappointment creeps into your alliance, it's usually wise to address the issues head-on as you try to reconfigure your connection. It's not always feasible or desirable, though. I still feel sad about the friend I banished when I discovered he was racist and had hidden it from me. I hope these ruminations inspire you to give your friendships a lot of quality attention in 2024. It will be an excellent time to lift the best ones up to a higher octave.

Homework: I dare you to reclaim a power you gave up once upon a time. Newsletter.

FreeWillAstrology.com

CHECK OUT ROB BREZSNY’S EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES & DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES

freewillastrology.com

The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700

Willamette Week DECEMBER 6, 2023 wweek.com

43

CASH for INSTRUMENTS

CLASSIFIEDS Steve Greenberg Tree

Tradeupmusic.com SE 503-236-8800 NE 503-335-8800

Service

TO PLACE AN AD, CONTACT:

Pruning and removals, stump grinding, 24-hour emergency service.

Licensed/Insured. CCB#67024. Free estimates: 503-284-2077

503-243-2122 mdonhowe@wweek.com

TRADEUPMUSIC.COM

MICHAEL DONHOWE

Buying, selling, instruments of every shape and size. Open 11am-6pm every day. 4701 SE Division & 1834 NE Alberta.

WAKE UP TO WHAT MATTERS IN PORTLAND.

Willamette Week’s daily newsletter arrives every weekday morning with the day’s top news.

Sunlan Lighting

For all your lightbulb fixtures & parts 3901 N Mississippi Ave. | 503.281.0453 Essential Business Hours 9:00 to 5:30 Monday - Friday | 11:00-4:00 Saturday

Sunlan cartoons by Kay Newell “The Lightbulb Lady” Facebook / Twitter / Instagram / Google

sunlanlighting.com

Our event picks for you!

Sign up at wweek.com/ ww-newsletters-signup