Willamette Week, December 13, 2023 - Volume 50, Issue 5 - "Stranger Than Fiction"

“IT’S ABOUT AS CONVINCING AS SPAM PACKAGED IN A TIN OF WALKER’S SHORTBREAD.” P. 25

NEWS: Law and Order Candidates. P. 8 WILLAMETTE WEEK PORTLAND’S NEWSWEEKLY

A new novel revisits A DARK ERA AT REED COLLEGE. Page 10

WWEEK.COM VOL 50/05 12 .13.2023

DRINK: Blacklight Special. P.18

FILM: Holiday Blues. P. 24

sale prices good thru 1/5/24

2

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

FINDINGS COURTESY OF THE PORTLAND ART MUSEUM

AFRICA FASHION, PAGE 22

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM READING THIS WEEK’S PAPER

Next Adventure

VOL. 50, ISSUE 05 The Burnside Bridge will be out of service for five years. 4

Sherif f ’s deputies found 1 1 million doses of fentanyl in a Cully Airbnb. 6 The Portland office for Cambridge Real Estate Ser vices looks like a motor vehicles department in Bucharest. 7 Rene Gonzalez wants Metro’s

homeless tax dollars to fund Portland Street Response. 9

Parker College sounds a lot like Reed College. 10

Jupiter Next Hotel’s holiday pop-up bar Sleigh Love is back with a Seinfeld-themed food menu. 18 Blacklight posters from the 1970s inspired The Houston Blacklight’s aesthetic. 18

Laurie + MaryJane now makes a line of cannabis-infused seasonings in flavors like Italian, spiced sugar, and ranch. 20 Glacier Veins’ sound exists somewhere between My Bloody Valentine and 2000s radio rock.

22

Reed administrators declined in 2008 to discuss specifics of campus drug dealing, citing medical confidentiality. 12

Geometrically placed blackand-silver zippers are in fash-

Artist Block Wine is serving an Elf-themed dinner of New York strip steak and spaghetti—just not doused in maple syrup. 17

In Portland Center Stage’s latest production, Dracula is a handsome and gracious host. 23

A professional actor will down multiple shots before attempting to play Scrooge. 17

ON THE COVER: A former Reed College staffer’s novel reopens the school’s most troubling chapter; photo by Brian Brose.

ion at the Portland Art Museum.

22

Want to write a holiday movie?

It helps to throw in a rescue dog. 24

OUR MOST TRAFFICKED STORY ONLINE THIS WEEK: Questions surround Multnomah County Sheriff’s largest-ever fentanyl bust.

Masthead PUBLISHER

Anna Zusman

EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Aaron Mesh Arts & Culture Editor Andi Prewitt Assistant A&C Editor Bennett Campbell Ferguson Staff Writers Anthony Effinger Nigel Jaquiss Lucas Manfield Sophie Peel Rachel Saslow Copy Editors Matt Buckingham Jade Chan Editor Mark Zusman

WILLAMETTE WEEK IS PUBLISHED WEEKLY BY CITY OF ROSES MEDIA COMPANY

ART DEPARTMENT

Creative Director Whitney McPhie Graphic Designer Sophia Mick ADVERTISING

Advertising Media Coordinator Beans Flores Ad Sales Manager Maxx Hockenberry Account Executive Michael Donhowe Content Marketing Manager Shannon Daehnke

P.O. Box 10770 Portland, OR 97296 Main line phone: (503) 243-2122 fax: (503) 296-2874 Classifieds phone: (503) 243-2122 fax: (503) 296-2874

COMMUNITY OUTREACH

Give!Guide & Friends of Willamette Week Executive Director Toni Tringolo G!G Campaign Assistant & FOWW Manager Josh Rentschler FOWW Membership Manager Madeleine Zusman Podcast Host Brianna Wheeler DISTRIBUTION

Circulation Director Skye Anfield

OPERATIONS

Manager of Information Services Brian Panganiban OUR MISSION

To provide Portlanders with an independent and irreverent understanding of how their worlds work so they can make a difference.

Though Willamette Week is free, please take just one copy.

Anyone removing papers in bulk from our distribution points will be prosecuted, as they say, to the full extent of the law.

Willamette Week welcomes freelance submissions.

Send material to either News Editor or Arts Editor.

Manuscripts will be returned if you include a selfaddressed, stamped envelope. To be considered for calendar listings, notice of events must be received in writing by noon Wednesday, two weeks before publication.

Questions concerning circulation or subscription inquiries should be directed to Skye Anfield at Willamette Week.

Postmaster: Send all address changes to Willamette Week, P.O. Box 10770, Portland, OR 97206.

Subscription rates: One year $130, six months $70. Back issues $5 for walk-ins, $8 for mailed requests when available.

Willamette Week is mailed at third-class rates.

Association of Alternative Newsmedia.

This newspaper is published on recycled newsprint using soy-based ink.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

3

••••

••••

DIALOGUE

•

A T R E A LRBO S ER E T •••• A E H T DEC 20

Read our lips: Some new taxes, maybe? Last week, WW reported that the Portland School Board is weighing public support for an increase in the scale of the property-tax levy that funds teacher salaries. That’s one of several ways Portland Public Schools might fill the gap between what a new teachers’ contract will cost and what the district has to spend (“Cutting Class,” WW, Dec. 6). Other ideas to balance the budget include administrative cuts, teacher layoffs, and trying to wrest the kicker check from your cold, dead hands. Here’s what our readers had to say:

DEC 21

A BURLY CAROL a Burlesque tale inspired by A Christmas Carol

3 Leg Torso presents

DEC 22 DEC 23

THE ELVISES OF FROSTLÄND

JOSEPH CAMPBELL, VIA WWEEK.COM: “Even if the

+ Pepe Raphael | Jet Black Pearl The Amazing Bubble Man | Chervona Queer history as told

by Portland’s most intoxicated drag performers

DEC 29

DRUNK HERSTORY

COSMOSMON, VIA TWITTER:

a tribute to on of the greatest DEC 30 perormers of all-time that engages the full ELTON experience

DEC 31

“OK? Yes? Get the kids what they need and the pay teachers deserve. It’s why I pay taxes.”

WITTY_NAMEZ, VIA REDDIT:

“Since the kicker is in the state constitution, good luck getting a ballot measure passed statewide to change or abolish it.

BEN KIZER, VIA WWEEK.COM:

“Three inconvenient facts that are going to make this new deal tough: “1. Shrinking enrollment numbers. Families are leaving the district for one of the nearby districts in Washington County, Clackamas County or Clark County. Or they are sending their kids to private schools. The people moving to Multnomah County right now are typically younger singles or mentally unstable drug addicts who were told by their former cities that Portland was ‘tolerant’ of homelessness and drug use.

“2. Tax fatigue. Multnomah County and Portland have the second highest tax burden in the country, only behind New York City. People are tired of paying so many taxes for so little return.

New bonds and tax initiatives are going to get a lukewarm response until there is proof that the taxes are actually benefiting people.

“3. No accountability. Most people, when they work a job, have a yearly review with their manager about their performance. They are told where they did well, where they need to improve, and then are given a merit raise, bonus, and maybe a promotion based on this. Since

Dr. Know

NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY!

BY MARTY SMITH @martysmithxxx

JAN 10

UPCOMING SHOWS

•••••••••••••

1/12 - DAPPERLESQUE 1/17 - NELLIE MCKAY 1/19-21 - DARK SIDE : A PIECE FOR ASSORTED LUNATICS LOVE GIGANTIC CELEBRATES PINK FLOYD 1/25-26 - JUDY BLUE EYES - CSN TRIBUTE

MEMBERS OF THE NOWHERE BAND W/ CSN GUITARIST JEFF PEVAR

1/27 - MAY ERLEWINE

•••••

albertarosetheatre.com

3000 NE Alberta • 503.764.4131 4

local property tax cap were lifted by the state, I don’t know if Portland voters would go for it. It’s not a great time to ask for more money. Back of the napkin shows that PPS would have to ask for double the property taxes to pay for PAT’s salary increases.

Portland is already the 2nd highest taxed metro area in the country. Are we ready to become the highest?”

“Be sure to explain that we need to abolish the kicker because the teachers unions want more money. That will be a sure-fire vote winner!”

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

It’s just been announced that the Burnside Bridge will be shut down for five years for earthquake-proof rebuilding. WTF? It only took two years to build it from scratch back in 1926.

Why do all road construction projects in the Portland area seem to drag on forever? —Matt S. Oh, that Portland area! Why does it seem to ruin everything it touches? When I first moved to Portland, I was a young guy with a full head of hair who thought the word “prostate” meant “face down on the ground.”* Now look at me! I don’t know what you people have been putting in the water out here, but I’ve had enough.

Just kidding! (Like I would ever drink water.)

I present this somewhat facetious argument to show how easy it is to conclude that a universal problem is local in origin. Long construction times are similar. Unless you’re a long-haul trucker, the examples that spring to mind will be local ones, ergo slow construction must be a Portland problem.

Console yourself; I can assert with confidence that there are few laments more universal to the human condition than “Why does road construction take so long?” (Google it if you don’t believe me.)

they’ve suspended proficiency testing for public school students in the state because it’s ‘racist,’ we have no way of holding our educators accountable.

Being a teacher is tough, and yes, Portland has a high cost of living, but people, I think, would be a lot more sympathetic to all of this if we saw the great things they are doing. We aren’t seeing that.”

KROPOTHEAD, VIA TWITTER:

“Based on these comments, it appears the readership of WW has withered to a thin chorus of suburbanites who oppose improving public education yet still expect it to continue operating as a subsidized daycare in perpetuity.”

MACSWAIN, VIA TWITTER:

“The transformation of WW into a right-wing rag for the West Hills elite has been truly astonishing.”

XINLITIK, VIA REDDIT: “The comm department has a budget of $2.3M and 9 employees? Are they running Super Bowl ads?”

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

must include the author's street address and phone number for verification. Letters must be 250 or fewer words.

Submit to: P.O. Box 10770, Portland, OR 97296 Email: mzusman@wweek.com.

Why? Infrastructure construction is a complicated process with many moving parts and conflicting regulatory regimes. For example, the feds forbid working in the Willamette when endangered salmon are running. It’s hard to imagine that fact making things go quicker.

A thousand similar rules begin to show what officials are up against.

Keeping the right-of-way usable often contributes to long construction times, a bullet the Burnside project partially dodges by closing the bridge to auto traffic during construction.

Even so, river traffic will still need to get through. So will the Union Pacific rail traffic that passes under the bridge right alongside I-5. One doubts this will always happen at convenient times.

Finally, there’s the fundamental challenge of building a far-reaching project in the heart of a functioning modern city. Do you know where you can drill a 200-foot hole in the bottom of the Willamette without hitting any important cables, pipelines or tunnels? Rebuilding a bridge requires working around live, functioning infrastructure in a way that building one in 1926 didn’t. It’s one thing to reupholster the church van; it’s another to do it while it’s full of teenagers being driven to an out-of-state retreat—without Pastor Dan’s special Thermos.

The builders have my sympathy. *Yes, I know. That’s the joke.

Questions? Send them to dr.know@wweek.com.

MURMURS UNICO PROPERTIES

BIG PINK’S SECURITY DROID PAMPLIN STOPS PRESSES: The Pamplin Media Group last week told about two dozen employees at its Gresham printing plant they will lose their jobs in early January when the press shuts down. Pamplin Media will shift production of its newspapers to The Columbian’s plant in Vancouver. The Gresham closure is just the latest sign of financial troubles for companies that are part of the R.B. Pamplin Corporation, run by Robert B. Pamplin Jr. As WW has reported, Pamplin Jr. has engaged in the highly unusual (and, experts say, probably illegal) practice of selling real estate from Pamplin operating companies to the company’s pension fund (“Walking on Water,” WW, Dec. 6). One of the more than 70 such properties: the soon-tobe dormant printing press at 1190 Northeast Division Street in Gresham. Records show that Pamplin Jr., both CEO of R.B. Pamplin Corp. and the trustee of the pension fund, sold that property to the pension fund in 2019 for $1.55 million. That allowed him to extract cash from the pension fund while saddling pensioners with an aging asset in a dying business, which is exactly what pension experts say should never happen. Records also show the property taxes on the printing plant are three years in arrears—a total of $62,000. Pamplin officials did not respond to a request for comment.

TWO INMATES OVERDOSED ON FENTANYL: Josiah Pierce and Clemente Pineda both died from “fentanyl toxicity” in Multnomah County jail this summer, according to autopsy reports newly obtained by WW. The medical examiner determined that both deaths were accidental. The reports confirm what has long been suspected. Sheriff Nicole Morrisey O’Donnell has previously said that several of the unprecedented seven inmate deaths this year were drug related, and has instituted new policies

to limit the influx of fentanyl into the jail. The reports also fill in other details about what led to Pierce and Pineda’s deaths. After Pierce overdosed, deputies searched his cell and found a “white powdery substance consistent with fentanyl” in a rubber glove. The day prior, he’d been sent to the emergency room “after an unwitnessed ingestion of an unknown substance by jail staff” but was discharged after declining to provide a urine sample. Pineda arrived at Multnomah County from Columbia County Jail already in medical distress. He spent two days vomiting, and by Aug. 1 was complaining of “worsening symptoms” of what appeared to be withdrawals. Medical staff requested “suboxone, currently on standard protocol for fentanyl.” As WW has previously reported, Pineda was facedown and unresponsive for hours before his death, according to a corrections deputy doing rounds at the time.

ROBOCOP DEBUTS AT BIG PINK: Unico Properties LLC bought a robot to surveil the U.S. Bancorp Tower (aka Big Pink) on West Burnside Street, an epicenter of Portland blight. The 5-foot-5, 420-pound droid named Rob started rolling around the property this month, Seattle-based Unico said. Rob, an “autonomous security robot,” has cameras arranged on its bullet-shaped body that gives it 360-degree visibility. It has heat sensors to “detect potential threats” and a two-way intercom to connect passersby (or perpetrators) with Unico’s security team. It can recognize license plates and will issue “be on the lookout” alerts (BOLOs) when “banned individuals” are on-site. Legacy Health has the same model patrolling its hospital in Gresham, but Unico says Rob is the first to go on duty in downtown Portland. Both are made by Knightscope, a money-losing company based in Mountain View, Calif. If Knightscope’s stock price is any indication, few investors expect droids to take over from human security guards en masse anytime soon. Knightscope shares, which trade on the Nasdaq Stock Market, closed at 64 cents Tuesday, down from $16 at the beginning of 2022, when the company first sold stock to the public.

MENTAL HEALTH ADVOCACY GROUP SIDES WITH HOSPITAL SYSTEMS: The Oregon affiliate of the National Alliance on Mental Illness is siding with Oregon’s major hospital systems in their ongoing legal effort to make the state care for the growing number of people judges force into mental health treatment.

Right now, the burden of caring for civilly committed people falls almost exclusively on local hospital systems. The reason, they say: The state’s premier psychiatric facility, Oregon State Hospital, has basically stopped accepting civilly committed patients. This puts two of Oregon’s most well-respected mental health advocacy groups in seeming opposition over how to utilize the state’s limited number of psychiatric hospital beds. Oregon State Hospital’s policies are the result of another ongoing legal battle with another advocacy group, Disability Rights Oregon. In a compromise to settle a decades-old case last year, the state hospital agreed to limit its acceptance of civilly committed patients and discharge “aid-and-assist” patients faster. Local hospitals filed suit against OHA, but a judge threw it out. They’ve now appealed the case to the Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, where NAMI Oregon filed its amicus curiae brief Dec. 11.

The brief accuses OHA of providing “no options for long term care” for civilly committed patients, “shirking its constitutional and statutory obligations.” So, these patients, it says, “cycle through the jails, hospitals, courts and streets, over and over.”

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

5

BLAKE BENARD

NEWS

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS WEEK

CASE STUDY

STATE OF OREGON VS. LUIS FUNEZ Why the alleged ringleader of an enormous fentanyl ring was allowed to walk out of jail.

BY L U C A S M A N F I E L D l m a n f i e l d @ w w e e k . c o m

Law enforcement officers in Portland have long complained that no matter how many times they arrest fentanyl dealers downtown, those same dealers are soon right back on the corners.

One example is Luis Funez. In January, Funez was caught dealing near the open-air drug market on the corner of Southwest 4th Avenue. Three weeks later, he was caught with $3,000 and over 100 fentanyl pills during a traffic stop on Southeast Powell Boulevard.

Funez was booked on 10 felonies, but with a minimal criminal history, he was released to await a court date. After being indicted on most of the charges in April, he didn’t show up in court.

Finally, over the past few month, detectives built a case and identified Funez as a ringleader of a major drug trafficking organization operating across the Portland area. They raided his Northeast Portland Airbnb rental Dec. 7 and found, they said, 52 pounds of fentanyl—or 11 million doses.

But even that wasn’t enough to keep Funez behind bars.

He was booked into Multnomah County Detention Center and walked free hours later, instructed to appear in court the following morning. He didn’t show.

That day, Dec. 8, a Multnomah County circuit judge issued another warrant for his arrest, but Funez remains at large.

Over the past five days, WW has tried to piece together what happened and why. Here’s what we know: WHO IS LUIZ FUNEZ?

Funez, who says he’s a former member of the Honduran military, arrived in Portland by way of Sacramento sometime last year.

Shortly thereafter, he set up shop downtown selling fentanyl, according to an affidavit filed by prosecutors in January.

Sometime since then, he became a distributor, using a 21-yearold Oregon City “runner” to deliver drugs for him, according to an affidavit prosecutors filed last Friday.

The center of the operation was a quaint blue house in Northeast Portland’s Cully Neighborhood. The house was an Airbnb rental leased by Funez’s girlfriend, 37-year-old Dezirae Ann Torset, two months earlier. The homeowners tell WW Torset was living there with her child.

Last Thursday, the Multnomah County Sheriff’s Office Special Investigations Unit raided the house and discovered the stash 6

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

of drugs, along with Torset and Funez. Funez was arrested after attempting to flee out the back. The runner was arrested fleeing an Oregon City house where cops found nearly $25,000 in cash and “two disassembled rifles, an AR-15 and an AK-47,” which the prosecutors say were “hidden throughout a care package destined for Honduras.”

Torset and Funez were booked at the Detention Center at 10:30 am. The runner, Gerson Isaac Hernandez Betancurt, was booked that afternoon.

WHY ISN’T FUNEZ STILL IN JAIL?

Because of an apparent communication breakdown and a court policy on who stays in jail pending trial.

“We are committed to bringing Mr. Funez to justice.”

Funez had an outstanding warrant; after all, he’d missed a court appearance related to his April arrest for dealing. So, county officials say, cops booked him on charges related to that warrant. They didn’t include any new charges related to the raid—or the 52 pounds of fentanyl.

It’s not completely clear why. Chris Liedle, a Sheriff’s Office spokesman, says investigators were “exploring” charging Funez in federal court, which could land much stiffer penalties, given “the amount of fentanyl, guns and cash.”

But that exploration led to delays. “The processes of coordinating with our federal partners and identifying the appropriate and correct charge(s) can take more time than desired,” Liedle noted. (A spokesman for the U.S. Attorney for Oregon declined to comment on pending investigations.)

The result: When officials at the Multnomah County Department of Community Justice determined what to do with Funez, he wasn’t treated like a drug kingpin. He was treated like every other street dealer. And in Portland, drug offenses are almost never enough to hold someone in jail while they await

UP IN SMOKE: Smoking fentanyl in downtown Portland.

their day in court.

The court, at the behest of the state legislature, which passed a series of reforms in 2021 designed to make the system more fair, has strict guidelines: Dealing will get you held only if it’s a “super super substantial quantity” of drugs. Funez certainly did appear to possess a “super super substantial quantity,” defined in state law as 100 grams of a substance containing fentanyl.

But it didn’t matter. Because he wasn’t booked on that charge, the county only looked at his prior charges, which involved much smaller amounts of the drug.

So Funez walked free. He was told to return to court the following morning, at which point a judge could have ordered Funez returned to jail. But Funez didn’t show and, as of press time, was still on the lam.

“We are committed to bringing Mr. Funez to justice,” Liedle says.

IS SOMETHING GOING TO CHANGE?

One focus of scrutiny will be cops’ booking practices. “The crux of the issue is what he was booked on,” court spokeswoman Rachel McCarthy says.

A county official familiar with what happened has expressed frustration over the booking decision, saying it wasn’t typical procedure. (Another said it wasn’t uncommon for cops to hold off on filing charges while they furthered their investigation.)

But the case is also sure to amplify calls to reform Multnomah County’s pretrial detention policies, which have been under heavy scrutiny since they were introduced last year (“License to Deal,” WW, June 28, 2023). City Commissioner Rene Gonzalez, who’s running for mayor, pledges a change. If he is elected, “drug dealers are going to go to jail,” he said. “They’re not going to get released within 24 hours.”

But it’s not clear if he’ll have the power to change detention policies, which lies with state judges and policymakers. This summer, judges tweaked the rules to make them stricter for people accused of bias crimes and repeat property crimes. But there have been no changes for alleged drug dealers, and the appetite to make any changes remains unclear.

“Changes to the [policy] are possible,” McCarthy says, “but it is a process that requires input from many sources.”

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR

CHASING GHOSTS

Jeff Passadore

The former Coin Cottage has a hopeful new owner.

ANTHONY EFFINGER

ANTHONY EFFINGER

A real estate bargain hunter takes a chance on downtown.

GOLD STANDARDS

CLEAR VIEW: Passadore on the roof deck of his new Portland HQ.

How bad is the market for office buildings in downtown Portland?

So bad that it’s big news when someone buys one. Most of the time they change hands only during foreclosure— when they go back to the banks that financed them.

Among the rare bargain hunters is Jeff Passadore, owner of Cambridge Real Estate Services, a firm that manages apartment buildings up and down the West Coast. CRES outgrew its offices in the Pearl District, and, like so many other firms, Passadore could have fled to Lake Oswego, Beaverton or Vancouver. But his 35 headquarter employees were accustomed to commuting to the city center, and Passadore was keen to stay in his hometown.

“I didn’t want to be part of a migration out of Portland,” Passadore says. “You have to believe in our city. It’s not to be abandoned. We will have a better day.”

After months of searching, Passadore bought a three-story, 23,000-square-foot building at 2300 Southwest 1st Avenue, just off Interstate 405, for $3.3 million.

It’s made of brown concrete, and from the outside it looks like it could be the motor vehicles department in Bucharest. But the inside is light and bright, and there’s a wraparound roof deck with views of Mt. Hood.

The building has a very Portland pedigree. Financier Jeff Grayson managed $1 billion in pension investments from an office on the third floor until September 2000, when the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission shut him down for running a Ponzi scheme featuring bribery, exotic hunting trips to Africa and Asia, shady car dealers, and the Miami mob.

When Passadore bought it, the building was mostly vacant and chock full of challenges. Among its amenities is a 50-stall covered parking area that has become a perennial homeless camp, Passadore says, where people stoked fires to stay warm and took all manner of drugs.

“It was a needle farm,” he says.

A field between the building and I-405 had turned into another camp. Passadore paid $20,000 for 18 dump-truck loads of boulders to discourage camping.

WW spoke with Passadore about his purchase. The interview has been edited for brevity. A N T H O N Y E F F I N G E R .

WW: You’re not giving up on Portland, and unfortunately, that’s news.

Jeff Passadore: I bought the building because I think Portland is really in a bad spot, and they made the building so affordable that we couldn’t turn it down. I would not have bought the building if we didn’t plan to occupy it.

We weren’t looking for a real estate investment. If we were, it wouldn’t have been in the city of Portland.

But we were a Portland office needing space. The building’s conveniently located, has good parking, and the elevator brings people right up. You’re not walking two or three blocks from a parking lot.

You bought more space than you need. Any plans to seek tenants?

My understanding is there’s no market. Based on the price point we paid, we don’t necessarily need a third-party tenant and we wouldn’t be able to find one anyway. I could offer it to you, and you would pay a dollar a foot, and I’d say, you’re wearing out my carpet.

Has Portland, Multnomah County or the state been helpful with some of the issues you’ve encountered as a property owner downtown?

We had a vacant lot that had become a de facto campground. There were fires in the field. We had to put boulders in at our expense. We worked with the [Oregon Department of Transportation], and they gave us permission to do it. They had to cement the boulders at the far edge so that they don’t roll into the freeway. ODOT was very cooperative to work with. The city has been unresponsive.

We’ve talked to the city about things like improving the landscape island [on Southwest First Avenue], but they don’t return calls.

To the east, you overlook the Queer Affinity Village. These Safe Rest projects have generated some pretty serious NIMBYism. Any issues?

They’re absolutely dead quiet as a neighbor. People need somewhere to live, and it’s managed in such a way that we don’t expect to have any problems. I would like to see our city have a different solution, but we’re not afraid.

It’s not something we feel intimidated by.

You bought the building in June. Any regrets?

I think we’ve overpaid because although the parking is a valuable amenity to me, if the rest of the building is now being valued according to more and more foreclosure activity, then maybe I’m underwater already and I didn’t really realize it. That’s OK. I didn’t buy it to be an investment; I bought it as a place our employees could come and provide the service that we provide. It’s just where we work.

GOOD BONES: The new owners of the old post office in Multnomah Village are almost done getting permits.

ADDRESS: 3675 SW Troy Street YEAR BUILT: 1958 SQUARE FOOTAGE: 6,114 MARKET VALUE: $1.2 million OWNER: 3675 LLC HOW LONG IT’S BEEN EMPTY: Since at least 2019 WHY IT’S EMPTY: Fire and pandemic Just off a vibrant stretch of Southwest Capitol Highway in Multnomah Village sits a vacant masonry hulk that could double as a machine gun bunker.

It was commissioned as a U.S. Post Office in 1958 and has some odd features, says Kenton Wiens, one of the current owners. A hall with eye-size portholes, where postal inspectors could watch workers handling letters, runs around what was the mail sorting room.

“We were still caught up in Cold War intrigue, I guess,” Wiens says.

The building also has prison-thick bars on the windows, though those may have been added by a post-post office tenant: The Coin Cottage, a numismatic shop run by a dealer named Paul Rigby. “WE BUY GOLD AND SILVER. GET CASH TODAY!” a sign on the side of the building once read.

Wiens, a designer, bought the building with two business partners in 2019 for $900,000. Wiens has a passion for relics. He bought the old Pine Street Theatre building, once home to La Luna, one of Portland’s founding alt-rock clubs, in 2005 and fixed it up. (It was 100% haunted at one time and may still be, he says.) He also designed the restaurants Bar Casa Vale, Tasty N Alder, and Laurelhurst Market.

One of Wiens’ partners in the old post office is Dr. Tomasz Beer, an adjunct professor at Oregon Health & Science University who has done groundbreaking work on prostate cancer. In his spare time, Beer enjoys the challenge of Portland real estate.

“He keeps us grounded,” Wiens says.

The structure itself, which had been gutted by fire, and the neighborhood are what had attracted them to the building, Wiens says.

They imagined turning it into a small market, a hardware store, or a restaurant, but the pandemic intervened. Building costs soared, and now interest rates are through the roof.

“We bought it not too long before the pandemic, when everything looked easy,” Beer says. “The numbers that worked in 2019 aren’t working today.”

The group is pressing ahead with permits, which are almost done.

They are looking for a tenant to rent it or for a buyer with good intentions.

“We’re not some big East Coast developer who is looking to make a killing,” Beer says. “The neighborhood could use a lot of things.”

ANTHONY EFFINGER.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

7

BLAKE BENARD

NEWS

ENTRANCE INTERVIEWS:

MINGUS MAPPS

Mingus Mapps and Rene Gonzalez Two City Council members want to be Portland’s next mayor. We sat down with both.

BY S O P H I E P E E L s p e e l @ w w e e k . c o m

Portlanders who think the city has lurched too far to the left, take solace: The two leading declared candidates running for mayor agree with that assessment.

It’s not until next November that voters will decide on the next mayor of Portland, but City Commissioners Mingus Mapps and Rene Gonzalez have already declared their candidacy and are staking their claims to steer the city toward law and order.

Both are fairly new to the council and got their seats by running to the left of incumbent commissioners; Mapps upset Chloe Eudaly in 2020, and Gonzalez unseated Jo Ann Hardesty in 2022.

Both Gonzalez and Mapps describe themselves as moderate business-friendly Democrats, and over the past year the two have voted in lockstep on some of the City Council’s highest-profile decisions, including creating large sanctioned encampments for homeless Portlanders and banning daytime camping.

So how to tell them apart? Mapps said he’s more attuned to the plight of Portlanders of color than Gonzalez, who Mapps says takes an overly “colorblind approach” to city policy.

Gonzalez says he can build coalitions while Mapps is a lone-wolf academic who persuades 8

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

few.

Whoever is the city’s next mayor (Commissioner Carmen Rubio is also expected to run) will oversee a professional city administrator that runs city bureaus, while a 12-person City Council will set city policy. That new government structure is the product of a 2022 charter reform measure Portland voters approved last year. Mapps opposed it and then unsuccessfully asked voters to wait for his alternative plan; Gonzalez tried to repeal some of its provisions and was rebuffed by the rest of City Council.

In other words, both men would preside over a government structure they openly dislike.

Now they have a year to persuade voters that such an arrangement would work.

This week we invited each of the candidates to our office to discuss their ambitions. We asked them to reflect on their tenures at City Hall, the city’s homelessness problem, their biggest mistakes, and their plans if elected as Portland’s next leader.

Responses have been lightly edited for brevity and clarity.

MINGUS MAPPS

WW: What’s been your biggest accomplishment on City Council?

Mapps: During a crime surge, we actually

were able to grow the staff at the Bureau of Emergency Communications and bring in new technology, which I think paved the way toward that bureau becoming more efficient.

We managed to increase staff and brought on several important pieces of technology. It was, frankly, a broken bureau. I think we’ve gotten it back on track.

What’s the biggest mistake you’ve made?

When I bring forward an issue in a space that I know a lot about and my colleagues don’t, I clearly haven’t done an effective enough job of educating my colleagues on the stakes of a particular issue.

Portland, we’ve cut that by 70%. In the end, [Commissioner] Carmen Rubio and I struck a compromise to both simplify the code and to do consolidation.

The city’s Safe Rest Villages are funded mostly by COVID dollars, which will run out in a year. Current estimates show each pod costs $60,000 a year to run. Should we keep funding these pod villages?

Yes, I think this project has proven itself to be a huge success. $60,000 is a ton. Even I’m offended by that. But this is also one of the most challenging populations in the city. So given the depths of the problems the folks who live in these villages are facing, I still think it makes a lot of sense.

Your charter reform alternative proposal died, as did a permitting proposal this fall.

The city and Multnomah County are reneWhat would you say to an onlooker who gotiating a three-year contract for the says, “Mapps doesn’t follow through”?

Joint Office of Homeless Services. What I very much disagree with that. One of the do you want in that contract that isn’t currently included? first things that happened since I got on Council is that This intergovernmental Commissioner Dan Ryan “I think Rene’s vision is agreement has to explicitly and I headed a task force to have a very colorblind identify and spell out the sercharged with streamlining the city is buying. We approach to city policy.” vices our permitting system. We need a sobering center, we made enormous progress need both congregate shelter, there. If you look at how long it takes to get your and, frankly, we need the Safe Rest Villages. permits to build new single-family housing in

BLAKE BENARD

RENE GONZALEZ

Rene Gonzalez is also running for mayor.

You’ve taken similar votes. Why are you the better choice?

He tends to be more skeptical of racial equity initiatives. He’s literally said this at City Council. I think Rene’s vision is to have a very colorblind approach to city policy.

The Portland Clean Energy Fund tax has brought in $344 million in three years. Will you push for bureaus facing budget deficits to get some of that money?

In recent weeks, PCEF has looked at some unanticipated resources that have come in, and we’ve been able to figure out how PCEF can support work being done over at PBOT and the environmental resources bureau. I think we found about $7 million in the PBOT portfolio that PCEF could support.

Businesses are leaving downtown Portland.

Buildings are getting foreclosed on. What’s your elevator pitch to businesses to stay here?

We are recovering from a remarkable shock, which is both COVID and the social protests from a couple of years ago. Portland is a city in transition. I think of us as exiting our awkward adolescence. The good news is, we’re actually getting together, and leadership matters. And that’s why it’s so important that we all pay attention to this next mayor’s race.

RENE GONZALEZ

WW: What’s your biggest accomplishment on the City Council?

Gonzalez: Our 911 wait time is down 20% and down 40% for non-emergency calls. That’s from when someone calls to pick-up. I led the charge

to recriminalize outdoor consumption of drugs, and we heard from Gov. Tina Kotek’s [downtown Portland] task force today that they’re endorsing that movement.

And Portland Fire & Rescue has kept the lights on at a really crucial time in the city’s history. Part of that is giving them as much support and love as possible so we can keep the staff numbers up there. We haven’t had quite the turnover we’ve had in other public safety bureaus. That’s crucially important.

to inspire young people to want to start their careers here? I think in six years we’ll have that figured out.

What about the city’s future with the Joint Office?

The governance model that’s been proposed is an improvement. It has much stronger representation for the city. So I think right now I’m leaning toward supporting further renewal.

Mingus Mapps is also running for mayor.

What’s a mistake you’ve made?

Why are you the better choice?

Revisiting the charter measure was unsuccessWe’re going to need strong, decisive leadership, ful. [The news got out about the changes] before and I’ve demonstrated that. It almost sounds we were prepared to deal with the political like it conflicts with the first, but I’m actually movement that comes with taking on charter a natural collaborator. I’ve been a deal-maker reform. And obviously my entire life.

“Mapps is a fantastic public the charter reform proMapps is a fantastic ponents mobilized very servant, but he has some of the public servant, but he quickly in a way that has some of the personwas frankly eye open- personality traits of the mayor.” ality traits of the mayor.

They can be lone wolves ing. I underestimated at the time. He’s academic. He’s incredibly smart. the force of that coalition and how quickly they can mobilize.

He’s incredibly principled. But there are times when you have to make a decision or hold the How would the city look under Mayor line and rally the troops.

Gonzalez?

He is not particularly capable of garnering Drug dealers are going to go to jail, and they’re three votes by himself. He’s every bit charisnot going to get released within 24 hours. matic enough to do it. He’s every bit intelligent Whether you are a minor or an adult, if you enough to do it. I just don’t know that he’s ever are here illegally selling fentanyl or meth on developed the muscle. our streets, you are going to face our judicial system. And then you are going to go back to When we asked Mapps that question, he where you came from. said that you take a colorblind approach to The other part is we have to align around city policy. What’s your response to that? what a West Coast city looks like post-panI wouldn’t say “colorblind.” But when we’re demic. What is going to inspire families to come talking about allocation of city dollars, basing and stay in western cities again, what’s going that on race in 2023 is deeply problematic and

borderline unconstitutional.

What should the Joint Office be spending its money differently?

I think they should be funding Portland Street Response just flat out. The county has a lot of unspent dollars. So spend your money. The Joint Office can stabilize the funding for that program indefinitely.

You’ve spoken to County Chair Jessica Vega Pederson’s office about funding PSR. What’s the county’s resistance?

I don’t know that I’ve heard a coherent argument against it.

What do you do about high income earners leaving Portland and blaming taxes?

Gov. Kotek called today for a multiyear moratorium on new taxes. The challenge is that we still have things we have to pay for as a community. And what’s really perverse in the current structure is that Multnomah County is overtaxing you. Metro is overtaxing. The city has taken some austerity measures, including incentives for folks to sign leases downtown.

So we are heading down a path where we’re going to start starving the city of resources while Metro and the County overtax you and taxpayers are still unhappy. I don’t agree with the prospect of the city putting moratoriums on itself while other partners are not taking steps in the right direction.

Would you support sending the Preschool for All and Supportive Housing Services taxes back to the ballot for a potential repeal?

Absolutely­—or at least for refinement.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

9

STRANGER THAN FICTION A NEW NOVEL REVISITS A DARK ERA AT REED COLLEGE.

R

eed College occupies a lofty position in private higher education in Oregon.

10

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

shift to a “need-blind” admissions policy is actually a shrewd tactic that reduces the number of troubled rich kids Parker College admits; and that the college is shielding students whose drug habits break the law by hiding them behind federal medical privacy protections.

The first is an arguably harmless hypocrisy: dressing up a self-interested practice in the rhetoric of equity.

The second, however, is a ruthless effort to hide criminal acts from law enforcement and the public.

Sheena McFarland, a Reed spokeswoman, declined to address Myers’ book. “Our understanding is that this is a work of fiction, and we will not comment on fictionalized policies or their imagined intent,” McFarland says.

Excerpts from the book, interspersed with passages from WW’s reporting at the time, appear below.

We also spoke to Myers, who insisted that he created the novel from his imagination, informed by his contemporaneous journals, his knowledge of Reed’s administrative machinery, and a dash of headlines from other colleges.

You be the judge. NIGEL JAQUISS. COURTESY OF KEVIN MYERS

It is by far the most selective four-year school in the state. It’s also the wealthiest. Records show that Reed boasts a greater endowment per student than University of Portland, Lewis & Clark College, Linfield University, Pacific University and Willamette University combined.

Notable Reedies include late Apple Computer co-founder Steve Jobs, musician Ry Cooder, Nickel and Dimed author Barbara Ehrenreich, a prodigious list of eminent scientists and academics, and 32 Rhodes scholars.

For all the accomplishments of its students and faculty, however, Reed has largely remained an island unto itself in Portland. Its verdant 103-acre campus in Eastmoreland might as well have a 10-foot wall around it, as separate as it is from the city.

A new novel, Need Blind Ambition, written by a former longtime Reed staffer, offers a rare look from inside Reed’s cloistered community.

Small, elite and inward-looking, Reed rarely makes the news. But when the college endured sustained scrutiny from WW 15 years ago (“Higher Ed,” May 14, 2008), the topic—and the timing—could not have been worse.

What started with reporter James Pitkin’s inquiry into a seemingly routine employment lawsuit turned into a firestorm that eventually led to the hiring of a lawman as Reed’s new president, not to mention years of animosity between Reedies and this newspaper.

The issues: the use of hard drugs on campus, the college’s culture of tolerance of the practice, and the fatal heroin overdoses of two students within less than two years.

The headlines coincided with the 100th anniversary of Reed’s founding in 1908 and fell in the midst of the college’s largest-ever capital campaign, a $200 million fundraising effort.

Author Kevin T. Myers, then Reed’s communications director, led the college’s damage control team during the years the fatal heroin overdoses occurred. With Need Blind Ambition, Myers brings that fraught period back to life from the perspective of a man who, in his day job, had told WW there was nothing to write about.

“When you’re the spokesperson—I don’t care if it’s for

Reed College or Pepsi—every time you open your mouth, you feel like it could be your last day on the job,” Myers says now. “You always feel like you’re one stupid sentence away from the door.”

Myers, 56, left Reed in 2022 after 15 years there.

He writes with the keen eye of a journalist, which he once was, and the sharp sense of humor of a standup comic, which he also used to be. The novel contains all the legal disclosures establishing that it’s fiction: “Any resemblance to actual persons living or dead…is entirely coincidental.”

But there sure are a lot of coincidences.

Like Myers, the novel’s main character, Peter Cook, arrives at an elite liberal arts institution in Portland from Alaska in 2007. (It’s called Parker College in the novel.) He works for a towering figure who, like then-Reed president Colin Diver, cut his teeth in Boston politics. Also like Diver, the fictional president pushes his college toward a “need-blind admissions” policy that would greatly expand its applicant pool. The book’s hard-charging prosecutor maps to then-Multnomah County drug chief Mark McDonnell. And the protagonist’s life is endlessly complicated by a dogged reporter from a scrappy newspaper called Stumptown Weekly. In one close echo of what really happened, Parker College officials encourage the parents of a student who fatally overdosed to revise and resubmit a letter to make it less critical of the college.

Need Blind Ambition is fiction, yes, but parts of it read like the truth shrouded in a veil thinner than a butterfly’s wing.

Justin Hocking, a writer who teaches creative nonfiction at Portland State University, says Need Blind Ambition fits into the literary tradition of the campus novel and perhaps even the subgenre “dark academia.” Hocking, who lived in Portland when Reed went through its challenging years, hasn’t read Myers’ book but says there are a variety of reasons authors might choose to fictionalize their experiences.

“Sometimes it’s settling a score or avoiding self-incrimination or possible legal action from an institution,” Hocking says. “In some cases, it’s a lot safer, and it’s a completely valid choice.”

Because Myers’ book adheres so closely to the story as it unfolded from 2008 through 2010, an attentive reader can’t help but notice when Cook, Parker College’s spokesman, discovers two troubling realities: that a

NORTH TO ALASKA: Author Kevin T. Myers.

BRIAN BROSE

BRAINY OASIS: Reed’s campus features classic architecture and a rustic canyon.

Excerpted from Need Blind Ambition. Copyright © 2023

by Kevin T. Myers. Excerpted by permission of Beaufort Books. All rights reserved. No part of this excerpt may be reproduced or reprinted without permission in writing from the publisher.

MAY 14, 2008

Loch remained an outspoken champion of equitable causes through his transition into higher education. His first act as Parker College President was to launch a $250-million fundraising campaign to support need-blind admissions. In a mostly eloquent editorial published in the New York Times, Loch —“Higher Ed,” WW, May 14, 2008 identified need-blind admission as a social imperative for the nation’s top schools. Evoking the egalitarian spirit of Parker’s founders, who imposed no restrictions on admission based on religion, race, or gender, Loch vowed to remove all restrictions to admission, including a student’s ability to pay. He argued it was vital to the survival of American democracy to abolish all hurdles to higher education for those who exhibit dedication to scholarship, discovery, and independence of thought but lacked the wherewithal to attend the country’s great institutions.

In true Loch form, the last third of his piece descended from eloquence into a barroom brawl. He took a few

COURTESY OF BEAUFORT BOOKS

Dressed in tweed and a tie, [Colin] Diver, 64, looks the part of the Ivy League elder. But he’s as comfortable sharing beers with seniors at Renn Fayre—earning the affectionate nickname “C-Divvy” among students—as he is in his woodpaneled office in Eliot Hall.

Diver brings a cerebral sensibility to the question of drugs. He knows students are going to experiment.

He’s aware a number of them come to Reed specifically for its tolerance on the issue. The question, he says, is how best to discourage more dangerous drugs like heroin.

“Not for moral reasons, because moral arguments don’t work,” Diver says. “The most important thing we can do is protect the health and safety of the students, which in most cases means you address the medical and therapeutic dimensions of the problem first.”

Like author Kevin Myers, the novel’s protagonist, Peter Cook, grew up in humble circumstances near Boston. He reveres the president of Parker College, Charles Loch, a lawyer and former politician from Boston.

well-deserved jabs at elite schools who fudged their financial aid data to call themselves need-blind as a marketing ploy to attract more applicants. He went on to characterize many state colleges as minor league sports complexes with second-rate academic programs, referring to one of Oregon’s most beloved public institutions as “a football team with an educational annex.”

Peter arrives on campus in the midst of a public relations crisis: The college faces a lawsuit from a security officer alleging he was fired for refusing to cover up a student’s drug dealing.

“The college is being sued.” Loch dove right in.

“A former security guard is saying we covered up a drug operation in the dorms and is accusing us of forcing him out for not colluding in our coverup.

Peter, what questions do you have?” Loch waited.

Loch’s directness could make people feel uneasy.

It made Peter trust him. “Is there any truth to the allegations?” Peter’s nerves caused his intensity to be a bit high and put too fine a point on his question.

“That is the obvious question, isn’t it? Funny you’re the first to ask,” Loch nodded his approval to Peter. “No. The whole thing is manufactured. He wasn’t even fired. The allegations are outrageous, drugs and copious paraphernalia, blood and gore.

I can’t imagine the absurdity of the claims is going to matter much, however, to certain press outlets.”

Loch asked, “How will this be covered by the press?”

“They’ll report on the allegations, just as his lawyer assumes they will,” said Peter. “They’ll be careful not to call them facts, but they’ll also be careful to choose the most eye-popping charges.”

“Which is why the suit reads like a ’50s crime novel.” Loch continued, picking up the complaint and reading aloud. “‘He told me to clean the blood from the walls and kitchen floor. I asked him if we were going to call the cops. He turned to me slowly and said, and

I’m reading verbatim now, ‘around here, we take care of things ourselves. That’s the Parker College way.’ So, Peter, did you know you were coming to work in a Mickey Spillane novel?”

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

11

BRIAN BROSE

MAY 14, 2008 In February, before [Alejandro] Lluch died [of a heroin overdose], a former security guard sued Reed, alleging he had cleaned out a campus apartment filled with needles, scales and other signs of heroin use and was fired after he refused to destroy the evidence. Ex-guard Josh Chambers’ lawsuit charged that school officials insisted on handling it “the Reed way” by disposing of it quietly without notifying police.

Reed settled the lawsuit in March for an undisclosed sum.

Diver called the case a “nuisance lawsuit” filed by a “disgruntled” former employee.

Administrators declined to discuss specific incidents, citing medical confidentiality. But Diver says Reed takes disciplinary action when necessary, citing the fact that one student was expelled and two suspended as a result of the raid on the Reed campus apartment.

—“Higher Ed,” WW, May 14, 2008

Beset by panic attacks and thrust into office politics, Peter makes a drinks date in the Pearl District with a predecessor, Rhea Smith—who was fired when she refused to take part in a coverup. There, he learns there is another reason for the college president’s emphasis on need-blind admissions.

Rhea was sipping her drink and had to catch herself from spitting it out. She wiped her mouth and chuckled. “Yeah, I forgot you had a crush on Doc Loch.”

“He was the last of the liberal lions of Boston politics!” Peter laughed at his defense of Loch. “The guy’s a legend.”

“Sorry to kill your fantasy, my dear, but he’s an also-ran… for the fucking mayor of Boston. He’s irrelevant. The man is the answer to a trivia question that nobody’s asking,” said Rhea with a chuckle, “and you’re the only one who’d know the answer anyway.”

“You’re brutal,” Peter joked. “The Need-Blind op-ed was a gamechanger.”

She smiled at his naïveté and took a deep breath before jabbing another pin in Peter’s Loch bubble. She gave him the inside scoop as to why need-blind admissions became a top priority for the college. The Board of Regents hired Loch with the directive of moving the college’s reputation from a drug-friendly safe haven where rich kids came to cosplay at counterculture shenanigans, to something near the mainstream. Loch had the institutional research department see which students were committing the acts that were deemed reputational threats. The study found that over 90 percent of the disciplinary actions, medical leaves, and suspensions came from rich kids who had been accepted off the waitlist. It was determined they needed to broaden the applicant pool—needblind admissions and eliminating the application fee were the ways to do that. Since Peter was in his first job in higher ed, she gave him an overview of the admission process.

Super-simplified college admissions: to enroll a class of 300 freshmen, the college needs to accept 1,500 applicants, knowing that roughly 1,200 of those students will enroll at other colleges.

That’s the easy math. There is not enough financial aid for all 300 students. Some get a free ride, and everyone else pays somewhere between a little bit and full price. This is where the calculus gets more complex, but it’s easy to see how the process favors the rich.

The kids who can pay full price, have good grades, and have clean records all get in—all of them. A dozen or so of the poorest kids with perfect GPAs, no blips or blemishes on their records, and outstanding extracurriculars also get in—and everybody feels good about that. The poor kids with hiccups on their records, like a B-plus in calculus, get put on the waitlist with all the dumb, rich troublemakers. At the end of the process, when all the financial aid has been distributed but there are still seats to fill, the college starts choosing students off the waitlist, based almost solely on their ability to pay full tuition. For those last ten-to-fifteen spots, money trumps piss-poor GPAs, trumps lethargy in extra12

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

SEPT. 1, 2009 When police busted Rich Hubbard last year on suspicion of dealing ecstasy, opium, 2CB, BZP, mushrooms and weed, he was a 20-year-old sophomore at Reed College living a block from campus.

Now Hubbard is facing trial after authorities say he ditched court and spent months living on campus while he was wanted by police. But he won’t be starting classes this week with his 1,400 fellow Reedies. Kevin Myers, a spokesman for the school, confirms Hubbard is no longer enrolled.

The absence of a dealer isn’t the only change this year at the elite college in Southeast Portland.

Students also returned to campus under a new drug enforcement plan that lays out when the school may call the police on students, as they did last fall with Hubbard.

curricular life, and, for a few very wealthy applicants—money even trumps criminal behavior or failed attempts at rehab, or both.

—“Busted at Reed,” WW, Sept. 1, 2009 “That last cohort of kids makes up about five percent of the entire student body, but it comprises over ninety percent of disciplinary actions, medical leaves, and suspensions,” Rhea explained. “From a marketing standpoint, schools with needblind admissions attract a lot more applicants. Bigger pools mean more choice of students across the socioeconomic spectrum, which means you can stretch your financial aid further, which means having to admit fewer rich delinquents. Loch saw need-blind admissions as the best way to eradicate the troublemaker waitlist, full-pay students who were causing all the reputational issues. In Parker College admission jargon, they’re WFPs, Waitlist Full-Pays, or as some call them WTFPs—What the Fuck, Parker?”

“You said medical leaves? I assume that’s code for rehab?” asked Peter.

“What’s the Stumptown angle?” she asked, ignoring Peter’s question.

“He seems to be talking to an assistant DA who doesn’t think we call the police when we should,” said Peter.

“You should start looking for another job, now. Seriously,” said

MAY 14, 2008 Cmdr. Derrick Foxworth, head of the Portland Police Bureau’s Southeast Precinct, says officers rarely get called out to Reed by campus security.

“We don’t have any problems reported to us that would indicate there is a drug issue over there,” Foxworth says.

The Multnomah County District Attorney’s Office says the same. “We find it very curious that we get few if any referrals from Reed,” says Mark McDonnell, head drug prosecutor for the DA. “At Lewis & Clark [College], they’re fairly aggressive.”

The comparison between these two private colleges in Portland couldn’t be more striking.

Both campuses are required by federal law to report crime stats. Reed reported 15 liquor violations and 18 drug violations in 2006, the most recent data available. Lewis & Clark, with 600 more students than Reed’s 1,400, reported 288 liquor violations and 85 drug violations that same year.

—“Higher Ed,” WW, May 14, 2008 Rhea as she took a long pull from her gin. “I’m not sure how much more I should say.”

“Just tell me about medical leave,” said Peter.

“You heard none of this from me. Right?” Peter nodded.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

13

“Okay, so you know about HIPAA [the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act], right? It’s intended to prevent the sharing, or selling, of medical information for its use against patients, blah, blah, blah.

It makes it illegal for an institution to talk about people’s medical issues.

So, the richest, most well-connected kids who are, let’s say, selling drugs on campus, mysteriously take ill and go on medical leave. Sometimes it’s forced by the administration, and sometimes it happens after a talk with Mommy and Daddy or their lawyer.”

“But always before the police are called.” A light came on that dimmed Peter’s idealism.

“No comment,” said Rhea.

“So, a disciplinary issue, or, as they call them in some circles, a felony, becomes a confidential medical issue, and then the student transfers to Hampshire College?” intuited Peter.

“It all depends on how well connected or rich Mommy and Daddy are,” said Rhea.

“I thought FERPA [the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act] protected all that information, anyway.”

“It does, and it doesn’t,” explained Rhea. “FERPA allows Rosen, or Rosen’s successor, to tell an employer, or another college, anything they deem important for them to know; under HIPAA, nothing can be legally disclosed, ever, by anyone.”

Hotseat: Kevin T. Myers

THE AUTHOR OF A REEDIE ROMAN À CLEF TELLS LESS THAN ALL.

K

evin T. Myers freely concedes he was exorcising some demons with his new novel.

He insists, however, they were not Reed College’s demons.

Myers is not Peter Cook, the protagonist of Need Blind Ambition. Parker College isn’t Reed. And the excerpts you just read from the novel shouldn’t be confused with historical events. That’s Myers’ story and he’s sticking to it as he discusses his second novel, although he says he started mixing personal journal entries with national headlines as early as 2009 while he was still communications director at Reed.

Still, we had to ask. Both Myers and his literary alter ego were transplanted to Portland and tasked with crisis public relations for an exclusive private college with a drug overdose problem in the 2000s.

Myers, 56, now lives in Juneau, Alaska, overseeing leadership training for the SouthEast Alaska Regional Health Consortium. If there’s even a little of Peter Cook in him, the return to the Inner Passage must come as a relief: Cook spends most of the novel pining for Alaska. Myers spoke to us by cellphone from his car parked above Sitka Bay. N I G E L J AQ U I S S a n d A A R O N M E S H .

Soon, matters get worse. A student suffers a fatal overdose, and Parker College’s senior administration discusses damage control. College officials—President Loch, Vice President of Student Affairs Matthew Rosen, and VP of Advancement Alistair Goodwin—try to decide whether to shoulder some responsibility or blame the student.

GO: Kevin T. Myers reads from Need Blind Ambition at Annie Bloom’s Books, 7834 SW Capitol Highway, 503-246-0053, annieblooms.com. 7 pm Thursday, Feb. 22. Free.

14

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

WW: Why did you write this book?

Kevin T. Myers: I thought you were going to ask, is it autobiographical? And, of course, some of it is, but not in the way a lot of people may think. I have post-traumatic stress syndrome from childhood trauma. And I started writing this first as just journals, to make sense of what I was going through. It almost started out as diaries. I just turned the journals into fiction as a way of controlling what is otherwise uncontrollable.

How do you feel about Reed?

COURTESY OF KEVIN MYERS

The parents knew about Josh’s drug problem. His father said he went to bed every night fearing, dreading, anticipating the night when the police would come knocking with tragic news. After the parents learned of the uptick in overdoses near campus, they agreed to share the cause of death to spare another family from going through the same pain. They were unwilling, however, to publicly share Josh’s history of use. Not disclosing that Josh died while relapsing, they understood, would make everyone assume his heroin habit was acquired at Parker. Putting on his clinician’s hat, Rosen shared that Josh’s parents believed he had been clean, which fits with the profile. Overdoses are common during relapse. Addicts default to their previous dose, but their tolerance is diminished. Rosen looked like he was trying to read the room. “I think that could also be a lifesaving message that would be very useful to share.”

There was an awkward balance while walking the MAY 14, 2008 tightrope between the Students told WW that, at a institution’s reputation memorial party for Lluch in Reed’s and the legacy of a student union a week after his nineteen-year-old. death, one classmate was caught The knee-jerk impulse of the top brass doing lines of cocaine. Security was always to protect confiscated the coke and let her go. the college—to defend the status quo. At the —“Higher Ed,” WW, May 14, 2008 most basic level, the group was about to choose between acting in accordance with the credo professed in their founding documents or acting to protect their brand and their position in the college-ranking magazines. During times of crisis, people show their true nature, Peter believed, and he yearned for Loch to make the right choice. It felt like watching the wheel of fate.

“I don’t see why we can’t just share whatever we think is in the best interest of the college,” said Goodwin. There was a weighty pause.

Loch pondered aloud if HIPPA and FERPA were still enforceable after a student dies, before suggesting it was probably in the college’s best interest to observe the parents’ wishes.

Peter agreed it was wise to follow the parents’ desire. He didn’t care how they got to the right decision, he just wanted to be on the right path. To reinforce Loch’s direction, Peter moved the conversation to the next decision.

“My experience as a reporter, when covering untimely deaths… Well, let me just say, there is a marked difference before and after family members see the deceased. First comes denial and then comes anger and bargaining.

It would be good if the parents spoke with reporters before they got to Portland, or at least before they got to the morgue, if possible.”

My son just graduated from there in May. I still have fond feelings for it. Frankly, I was pretty done with working in higher ed in general.

It’s hard to separate the character Loch from Colin Diver, and it’s hard to separate the protagonist from you. Can you unpack that?

It’s based on some things that were reported in your newspaper, right? So, you know, there is a grain of truth to that. I was taking essentially what was reported in the press, what was known, and kind of drawing this worst-case scenario. It’s like there’s an atom of truth, but the mushroom cloud is fiction.

PROUD PAPA: Kevin T. Myers and his son, Joe, at Reed’s 2023 commencement.

OCT. 5, 2002 Reed College hires Colin Diver, former dean of the University of Pennsylvania Law School, to be its 14th president.

2002

2005 Diver launches Reed’s $200 million Centennial Capital Campaign.

2003

2004

2005

BRIAN BROSE

A reader could say, “Absolutely, everything was in the press.” But a reader could also say, “Here’s the guy who was in the meetings, who was in charge of damage control. Is he telling us things we didn’t know?” On the HIPAA issue, for instance, or on the need-blind admissions?

Yeah, I think it should be read more broadly and more generally. You understand it in a Portland context, but other people from other small liberal arts institutions have talked about how it feels real and resonates with them. I felt like I had been through something. And so I felt like I could very authentically bring you into those rooms—and not share what was actually said, but share a worst-case scenario of what could very easily have happened.

Do you feel you exorcised some Reed College demons while writing this book?

I wouldn’t call them Reed College demons, but I would call them demons. This is not what you wanted, but I went through EMDR [eye movement desensitization and reprocessing] therapy to deal with my childhood trauma. This book was a way for me to sort of understand a time in my life right when that was diagnosed.

Have any of your former colleagues from Reed read the book? Have you heard from any of them?

I’ve heard from some professors. I’ve heard from a couple of the trustees. It’s all been very positive. I posted the book jacket language on LinkedIn, and Colin Diver commented, “Boy, that looks familiar.”

FEB 28, 2008 Josh Chambers, a former Reed custodian, files a whistleblower lawsuit against the college.

APRIL 5, 2008 Reed freshman Alejandro Lluch dies of a heroin overdose.

DECEMBER 2007

2006

Reed senior Sam Tepper dies from a heroin overdose. “The well-being of the college depends on how everyone behaves next weekend and beyond,” Diver tells students in an email. “So does the future of Renn Fayre.”

The email makes the pages of The New York Times.

MAY 14, 2008

Kevin T. Myers arrives in Portland from Juneau, Alaska, to serve as Reed’s communications director. (Need Blind Ambition opens with the same move the same year.)

Reporter James Pitkin authors a cover story, “Higher Ed,” that includes a quote from President Diver: “When you say Reed, two words often come to mind.

One is brains. One is drugs.”

2007

2008

APRIL 24, 2012

MARCH 23, 2010

2009

2010

JUNE 3, 2011 Diver announces his retirement.

2011

Reed hires Oregon Attorney General John Kroger, a former federal prosecutor and then Oregon’s top law enforcement officer, as its new leader. “The president must lead the painstaking effort, locally and nationally, to alter the prevailing narrative,” wrote Reed’s executive search firm.

2012 Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

15

STREET

SWEATER WEATHER Photos by Michael Raines On Instagram: @m_h_raines Things were ugly in St. Johns last weekend, and the locals couldn’t have been happier. Garish holiday apparel was the theme of a pub crawl hosted by the St. Johns Boosters on Dec. 9. In addition to donning their gaudy apparel, which included onesies, beard ornaments, and a stylish red velvet smoking jacket, drinkers participated in a selfie scavenger hunt to score a free pint of Fa La La La La, Double Mountain Brewery’s long-popular winter ale.

16

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

GET BUSY DEC. 13–19

WATCH & EAT: Film Foodie Fridays A new Willamette Valley winery that’s working to set itself apart from other tasting rooms by filling its sleek modern space with pop art has launched a weekly event that makes tasting pinots and sparkling gamays anything but pretentious. Film Foodie Fridays features Artist Block flights during movie screenings—from cult classics (Napoleon Dynamite) to blockbusters (Top Gun).

Guests can also add a multicourse dinner to the experience, prepared by chef Mason Goucher (formerly of 23Hoyt and Q Restaurant & Bar). Expect a full-on holiday theme this weekend: The 2003 Will Ferrell comedy Elf will appropriately be paired with a meal of “World’s Best Cup of Coffee,” New York strip steak, and spaghetti lamb Bolognese. Artist Block Wine, 9650 NE Fox Lane, Dundee, 971-387-6695, artistblockwine.com. 6 pm Friday (with a Saturday, Dec. 16, showing of Elf) through April 12. $20. 21+.

GO: A Christmas Horror Story The Christmas season is a nightmare!

May as well lean into it this year by attending A Christmas Horror Story, which features four different haunted houses; photos with Krampus, the King of Christmas Jeer; and thousands of holiday lights. If none of that does it for you, there’s also free hot cocoa. Cinema of Horrors, 1301 Grade St., Kelso, Wash., cinemaofhorrors.com. 7-10 pm Friday-Saturday, Dec. 15-16. $30.

WATCH: A Drunk Christmas Carol In the tradition of Comedy Central’s Drunk History, a professional actor takes multiple shots of whiskey and attempts to perform. This production takes on Charles Dickens’ Christmas classic with the inebriated artist in the role of holiday buzzkill himself, Ebenezer Scrooge. A troupe of improvisers will attempt to keep up with a drunken version of the old grouch while being hit with audience suggestions and a wheel of accents. You

can also expect an ugly sweater contest, hors d’oeuvres, a wine raffle, and gift giveaways during this one-night-only event you won’t want to just hear about the next day. Greatroom, 15900 SW Regatta Lane, Suite 105, Beaverton, 503568-1765, experiencetheatreproject.org.

7:30 pm Saturday, Dec. 16. $45-$225.

WATCH & LISTEN: The Muppet Christmas Carol in Concert If watching a drunken Scrooge sounds a bit too much like spending time with your great-uncle who gets curmudgeonly after a few too many eggnogs at Christmas dinner, opt for a version of A Christmas Carol with the fabric-covered friends from your youth. Everyone’s favorite frog, pig, bear and whatever the heck Gonzo is star in this musical rendition of the Dickens’ novella. The Oregon Symphony gives a helping hand in the form of a live score. Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 503-228-1353, orsymphony.org. 2 and 7:30 pm Saturday, 2 pm Sunday, Dec. 16-17. $46-$138.

takes place at stop four: Singer-songwriter Jim Brunberg plays Duke Ellington’s version of “The Nutcracker Suite” with the North Pole Cello Sextet.

Don’t miss stop three, where you can grab a slice of pepperoni and sign up for open mic; by then you should be well lubricated for it. Starting point: The Siren Theater, 3913 N Mississippi Ave., 503-446-4227, 45thparallelpdx.org/holiday-pub-crawl.

6-10 pm Tuesday, Dec. 19. $20 in advance for the 9 pm mainstage show at Mississippi Studios, $22 at the door. 21+.

LISTEN: PHAME Presents: Ring-a-DingDing Radio Winter Concert PHAME—a performing arts school for people with disabilities—embarks on a new winter tradition: a good old-fashioned radio production. Ring-a-DingDing will feature a variety of entertainment, including musical performances by ensembles and soloists, comedy and dancing. If you can’t make the show, tickets to a livestream are available.

Alberta Rose Theatre, 3000 NE Alberta St., 503-719-6055, albertarosetheatre. com. 6:45 pm Tuesday, Dec. 19. $5-$20.

LEE GUMBS

LISTEN: Kristin Chenoweth With the Oregon Symphony Whether you know Kristin Chenoweth from her dynamic roles on Broadway, hilarious film appearances, or as a toughas-nails media adviser debating everyone’s favorite fake president on The West Wing, you’ll love her injecting that same infectious energy into this vocal performance. The Tony Award-winner will bring her 2021 album Happiness…Is Christmas! to life with the Oregon Symphony, singing originals that could someday become classics (or end up in the rubbish heap of holiday songs—we’re looking at you, “Funky, Funky, Xmas” by New Kids on the Block) plus iconic tunes like “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” and “Merry Christmas, Darling.” Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall, 1037 SW Broadway, 503-228-1353, orsymphony.org. 7:30 pm Thursday, Dec. 14. $45-$117.

STUFF TO DO IN PORTLAND THIS WEEK, INDOORS AND OUT.

WATCH: NOT-Cracker If all you want for Christmas is something different, check out this unconventional winter dance show where you won’t hear any Mariah Carey. NOT-Cracker may use much of Tchaikovsky’s iconic score, but that’s about all it has in common with the ballet we’re all familiar with. The tale focuses on a down-and-out Portlander who discovers joy through dance with a little help from some unconventional characters: NOT-Bunnies, a breakdancing toy soldier, waltzing flowers, and baby penguins advertised as “showstopping.” Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 503-248-4335, openspace.dance. 2 and 7:30 pm Saturday, 3:30 pm Sunday, Dec. 16-17. $12-$75.

LISTEN & WATCH: 2001: A Space Odyssey A Live Film Score Experience Experience the movie score that made movie scores famous as only Portland’s favorite film score band, Pigeon Milk, can deliver. Lose yourself in Stanley Kubrick’s groundbreaking film that warned us about AI back when people thought we’d be waaaaay more advanced in 2001 than we actually were. Pigeon Milk’s rendition of the soundtrack to 2001: A Space Odyssey combines world, synth and avant-garde to enhance this journey into deep space. Kelly’s Olympian, 426 SW Washington St., 503-228-3669. 8 pm Monday, Dec. 18. $10 in advance, $12 at the door. 21+.

DRINK: 45th Parallel Universe Presents Holiday Pub Crawl The traditional pub crawl gets a musical spin thanks to the musicians collective 45th Parallel Universe. Expect performances on the hour from 6 to 9 pm at four venues: The Siren Theater, Mendelssohns, Mississippi Pizza and Mississippi Studios. The grand mainstage finale

ENERGIZER BUNNIES: Rainbow-colored NOT-Rabbits are some of the unusual characters in Open Space Dance’s NOT-Cracker.

SEE MORE GET BUSY EVENTS AT WWEEK.COM/CALENDAR Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

17

FOOD & DRINK

Top 5

Hot Plates 1. SLEIGH LOVE

AARON LEE

WHERE TO EAT THIS WEEK.

920 E Burnside St., 503-206-6223, heylovepdx.com. 3 pm-midnight Monday-Thursday, 3 pm-1 am Friday, 10 am-1 am Saturday, 10 am-midnight Sunday.

Hey Love, Jupiter Next Hotel’s ground-floor botanical garden that happens to serve food and drinks, is once again festooned in Christmas lights and other holiday décor for this pop-up bar. Yes, there are boozy concoctions that come in festive glassware, but don’t overlook the food specials. Each dish has a Seinfeld theme, like “Soup for You!” (an oversized matzo ball in hot-and-sour duck broth), “Yada, Yada, Yada…” (steamed bao buns filled with sliced corned beef), and “I Was in the Pool! There Was Shrinkage!”

(Nathan’s Famous all-beef kosher wieners encased in egg rolls)—because it’s not the holiday season until you eat pigs in a blanket.

2. FERMENT BREWING

403 Portway Ave., Hood River, 541-436-3499, fermentbrewing.com.

11 am-9 pm Monday-Friday, 10 am-9 pm Saturday-Sunday.

The yurts are up at Ferment, which means we’re officially headed into winter. The heated huts that debuted on the brewery’s second-floor patio during the pandemic proved to be so popular, they’re making their return.

That’s not the only seasonal change; there are a slew of new hearty menu items that should fortify you from the cold, like sweet-and-spicy popcorn chicken, miso-maple Brussels sprouts, artichoke dip, and stout brownies.

On top of that, Ferment offers brunch from 10 am to noon Saturdays and Sundays. Starting your weekend with biscuits and bacon gravy alongside a barleywine? That’s a pro move.

3. LAWLESS BARBECUE AT MY-O-MY

8627 NE Sandy Blvd., lawlessq.com. 3 pm-late Tuesday-Sunday.

Lawless Barbecue, the former cloud kitchen turned Little Beast Brewing’s hit resident pitmaster, has launched a second location. Owner Kevin Koch decided he was ready to expand after developing a following and discovered that My-O-My was looking for a new food truck partner. So why make a special trip to that tavern for KC-style ’cue? Because you’ll get to try something new. Koch is offering a different menu, which so far includes jumbo wings with your choice of sauce (Alabama white, Kansas City sweet, and lemon pepper wet), St. Louis ribs, loaded waffle fries, and a mac with pulled pork.

4. AN XUYÊN BAKERY

5345 SE Foster Road, 503-788-0866, mng890.wixsite.com/an-xuyen-bakery.

7 am-6 pm Tuesday-Saturday, 7 am-3 pm Sunday.

For nearly 25 years, An Xuyên Bakery has sat unassumingly on Foster Road. The self-proclaimed “Authentic Artisan Pan Asian Pacific Bakery and Deli” serves an array of sweet and savory goods for almost absurdly affordable prices. Upon walking in, you’d better make up your mind fast since a line will form behind you almost immediately. Start with a lunch item like a jalapeño-filled bánh mi prepared on the same crusty yet fluffy baguettes that the bakery supplies to numerous restaurants around town.

Once your main course is checked off, end with dessert; we recommend a meticulously decorated red velvet cupcake.

5. SIBEIHO MAMAK DELI AT THE MINNOW

740 NW 23rd Ave., 503-406-8438, sibeiho.com, theminnowpdx.com.

11 am-5:30 pm Wednesday-Sunday.

Supper club-turned-sambal sauce-maker Sibeiho and food delivery business The Minnow teamed up to launch this outlet, which features pantry items, including jars of that chile paste, and meal kits. More recently, the deli began offering ready-to-eat and -drink items like coffee made from Portland Cà Phê beans, malted chocolate topped with whipped cream and sprinkles, and snacks that will satisfy fans of both sweet and savory foods.

Those with a sweet tooth should order buns smeared with coconut milk jam, while the Spam-and-mayo-stuffed version was made specifically for salt lovers.

18

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

Editor: Andi Prewitt Contact: aprewitt@ wweek.com

DINO-MITE: Some of The Houston Blacklight’s juicy cocktails are served in a dinosaur egg.

Black Velvet Thomas and Mariah Pisha-Duffly’s new bar, The Houston Blacklight, is all in the spirit of colorful trippy fun.

BY T H O M H I LTO N

There was no way The Houston Blacklight would arrive with anything less than a bang. Through 2023, anticipation was high for the cocktail bar, conceived as a maximalist next step for Thomas and Mariah Pisha-Duffly, the well-known duo behind two of Portland’s best restaurants, Gado Gado and Oma’s Hideaway. It also opened in July, about a month after the James Beard Award ceremony where Thomas was nominated for Best Chef: Northwest and Pacific.

The Houston Blacklight has already been named one of the 10 best bars in the city by Portland Monthly as well as Best New Bar by Eater PDX. So now you’ve come to your favorite alt weekly to learn the truth: Is such praise warranted? The answer: Yes! Sure. Mostly!

Inspired by velvet blacklight posters of the 1970s, the aesthetic of THB (as it’s abbreviated on the dispensary-esque neon sign out front) lands somewhere between “absurdist man cave” and “baby’s first head shop.” Beaded curtains and a spotlit magenta fringe wall greet you at the entrance, one of many prime spots for an Instagram selfie. Dinosaur coloring book menus in a front basket request that you order at the bar, but once cozily seated in an enormous horseshoe-shape booth and being greeted with water, I kind of didn’t want to get up. If in a group, definitely choose someone to be the Resident Orderer.

The bar area is the most conceptually successful part of the space, where paper umbrella lamps illuminate shelves of period knickknacks, flanking an enormous mural of a nude horseperson watching an undersea fight between anthropomorphic creatures. Black wallpaper decorated with similar neon figures lines various other rooms. Perhaps one element that would help solidify the visual concept would be featuring more of the things that inspired the place; there aren’t any actual blacklight posters—not a patch of velvet to be seen. And a huge painted mural of a lava lamp in the bathroom just kinda makes me wish there were lava lamps all around! The result is a slightly ungrounded nostalgia, an ache for the real thing as opposed to immersion, which sometimes makes THB feel more like a themed pop-up and less like a genuine artifact. Still, it’s all in the spirit of colorful trippy fun.

On the far end of the bar, a slushy machine swirls and purrs, producing both the turquoise Thot Experiment and creamsicle-orange Baby, I’m a Star! During my visit, they were available twisted together ($15), resulting in a dangerously sippable 12-flavor fever dream. A slightly confusing element was the inclusion of boba, which froze and burst in the chilly concoction. The drink also required the use of a metal straw that became so teeth-achingly cold as I sipped that I was scared I would end up stuck to it like Flick in A Christmas Story.

Many Things Cannot Fly ($15) arrived in a speckled-blue dinosaur egg with a toy dino riding the straw, and though boasting blackberry gin, coconut rum, black sesame orgeat, and Jäger, it tasted like a liquefied pineapple gummy bear.

(I was not mad about it!) The N/A Inspiration Information ($10) was great—a spicy-salty li’l strawberry jam number with the tang of yuzu and lactic acid and the playful crunch of coarse-ground peppercorns.

As anyone who has eaten at Gado Gado or Oma’s might expect, the food at THB is uniformly wonderful. The pullapart sausage and milk bread with seedy herbed mustard and everything seasoning ($16) was one of those quintessential Portland dishes: nostalgic party food—in this case pigs in a blanket—taken to new heights with care and finesse. That buttery little ring of perfection was the centerpiece of THB; everything else orbited around it. I can’t imagine anyone trying it and not including it in the top 10 best things they’ve eaten this year.

The warm chicories ($14) were the platonic ideal autumn salad, with apples, tender roasted delicata squash, whipped goat cheese swooshed across the plate, and “Marash chili bird seed crumble.” As Noah in The Notebook would say, “If this crumble is for birds, I’m a bird.”

[Note: I hate pitting greens against each other, but that salad totally smoked the Belgian endive offering ($13) at the time. Sorry, endive.]

Elsewhere, the shrimp cocktail ($13) was as welcome as ever in a chilled glass of sambal cocktail sauce, and mapo tofu gravy fries ($12) had a numbing spice, with firm tofu successfully supplanting cheese curds in this alternate poutine dimension.

Both burgers ($15 each) were good, with the vegan option approaching great. The first bite had me totally fooled until a dining companion noted that it had “a nutty creamy thing going on.” Loaded with caramelized onions and “vegan AF sauce” (which…sure), the only thing that prevented it from reaching its full potential was the unexplained lack of the promised heirloom tomato. The beef burger had a very thick and almost gamey patty, a surprisingly mature sandwich for a city that’s just starting to crawl out of The Smash Burger Haze. Said dining partner described it as “gnarly” (in the complimentary rock-’n’-roll sense) at least three times.

Minor quibbles aside, I had a great evening out with friends and would probably have had an even better one if I weren’t taking diligent notes at 6:30 pm and instead absolutely schnockered at 10:30 pm. The Houston Blacklight works because it does something a lot of people forget to do when they open a bar in this city: It feels like a place made for Portland, not shuttled in from somewhere else.

It’s not a faux dive bar, and it’s not swanky or elevated; it’s just a goofy fun thing with wildly juicy cocktails and some solid bar bites. Its instant-classic designation by other publications is less a product of the hype machine and more an earnest desire to place something on the map that deserves a long and happy life. “Keeping Portland Weird” is an exhausting task, but, hey, someone’s gotta do it.

DRINK: The Houston Blacklight, 2100 SE Clinton St., 503-477-4738, thehoustonblacklight.com.

4-11 pm Monday-Thursday, 4 pm-midnight Friday, 10 am-midnight Saturday, 10 am-11 pm Sunday.

Top 5

Buzz List WHERE TO DRINK THIS WEEK.

1. STRAIGHTAWAY COCKTAILS

901 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 971-255-1627, straightawaycocktails.com. Noon-7 pm Monday-Tuesday, noon-4 pm Wednesday, noon-8 pm Thursday, 11 am-8 pm Friday-Saturday, noon-5 pm Sunday.

Relive the snow days of your youth with a hot beverage that’s got an adult twist. Straightaway is best known for its ready-to-drink cocktails (enjoying an old fashioned, paloma, espresso martini and more is as easy as popping open a can), but the bartender can also prepare drinks for you at the Hawthorne tasting room. Through December you can order a boozy hot chocolate sampler made with Accompani liqueurs, locally produced Ranger Chocolate, and whipped cream. And since Straightaway celebrates its fifth anniversary this month, it’s offering $5 off of all flights. Bonus: Pair your hot chocolate with a Dapper Dog, made with Zenner’s linguisa, a traditional Portuguese pork sausage.

2. OLD ASIA TEAHOUSE & RESTAURANT

12055 SW 1st St., Beaverton, 971-249-3763, oldasia.co. 4-9 pm Thursday-Friday, noon-9 pm Saturday-Sunday.

Top Burmese, the miniature empire known for its curries and cute robot servers, has opened a new property—the first not bearing its name. In late October, the company launched Old Asia, dubbed “The Biggest Little Restaurant” because the dining area is about as big as a generously sized walk-in closet—though one that is ornately decorated. Shelves behind the counter are filled with jars containing tea leaves (green, black, oolong and pu-erh), but if it’s booze you’re after, we recommend the Koji Afternoon Coffee, which has deeper, more satisfying flavors than an espresso martini thanks to the combination of Vietnamese milk coffee and Jameson whiskey.

Though if you’ve already had your daily allowance of caffeine, opt for First Love, an effervescent blend of passion fruit, ginger beer and rose vodka.

3. DESCHUTES BREWERY PORTLAND PUBLIC HOUSE

210 NW 11th Ave., 503-296-4906, deschutesbrewery.com/visit-us/portland-public-house.

10 am-2 pm Saturday, through Dec. 30.

Maybe it’s the early sunsets, the holiday vacation vibes, or both, but a boozy brunch always sounds inviting this time of year. And fortunately for midday meal lovers, Deschutes is hosting a lineup of new weekly holiday-themed brunches through the end of the year. Every Saturday, you can get your crab Benedict, shakshuka or sausage scramble with a side of festivities— everything from an ugly sweater fun run to a Christmas cookie decoration party to a New Year’s Eve Eve bash with bottomless mimosas. But take our advice: Pass on the sparkling wine-spiked OJ and go for the seasonal Jubelale (you are at a brewery, after all), which has notes of hot chocolate and Grandma’s toffee.

4. HEATHMAN HOTEL HOLIDAY TEA

1001 SW Broadway, 503-241-4100, heathmanhotel.com/event/holiday-tea.

11 am-3 pm Friday-Sunday, through Dec. 31. $65 for adults, $25 for children 3-12.

Holiday Tea was long one of the Heathman Hotel’s most popular traditions that was suspended (just like pretty much everything else) once COVID hit. Now, for the first time since 2019, you can indulge in tiny cakes and sandwiches served on tiered silver platters as well as hot herbal beverages poured from beautiful porcelain pots at the iconic downtown business.

Service began the day after Thanksgiving in the handsome library and mezzanine, where you’ll have six Smith Teamaker varieties to choose from, including three holiday-themed flavors: Ho-Ho-Hoji-Chai, Silent Night and Chocolate Peppermint Pu-erh. You can also get your tea in a mixed drink: The G&Tea is a gin and tonic with Lord Bergamot.

5. L’CHAIM BY LEIKAM BREWING

5812 E Burnside St., 503-477-4743, leikambeer.com/latkesandlagers.

4-10 pm Monday-Thursday, 3-10 pm Friday-Sunday, through Dec.15.

Christmas pop-up bars are pretty commonplace now; there are nearly half a dozen this year in Portland at last count. But what about our Hanukkahcelebrating friends? Thankfully, Leikam Brewing, the city’s first and only kosher beer producer, has stepped up to offer a Festival of Lights experience named after a classic Jewish toast (To life!) from Dec. 1 through 15. Expect a variety of events, including a Hanukkah-themed comedy night, live music by Congregation Beth Israel, and a dance party. What to drink? The delightfully named Ain’t No Challahback Girl Ale or one of the eight themed cocktails.

L’chaim, indeed!

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

19

POTLANDER

Wool Felt Tino $125

A S H E LY A N D E R S O N

Made in USA by Bailey Packable, Water Repellent Colors: Black, Brown, Grey, Navy, Port, Red Sizes: S—2XL

969 SW Broadway • 503-223-4976 Mon-Sat 10 - 5, Sun 12 - 5 www.johnhelmer.com

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

• • • • • •

Magic •• • • • • Tavern • • •

• • • • Wool Felt Tino•• ••• $125 Made in USA by Bailey • Packable, Water Repellent •• • Colors: Black, Brown, Grey,• Navy, Port, Red Sizes: S—2XL

•

•

• • • • •• 2460 nw • 7am @magic • tavern • portland ave mon -sat 969 SW Broadway • 503-223-4976 • 24th Friendly•girls casual•scene • p m- 5,s Sun u n 12 • Mon-Sat410 -5 www.johnhelmer.com

•

MUSIC MILLENNIUM WHERE SANTA SHOPS!

VINYL CDS DVDS T-SHIRTS SOCKS GAMES RETRO TOYS CELEBRITY PRAYER CANDLES CANDY POSTERS VINYL ACCESSORIES CALENDARS TURNTABLES & OTHER UNIQUE GIFTS EXTENDED HOLIDAY HOURS! December 8 thru the 14th: Monday - Saturday: 9am to 10pm Sunday: 10am to 10pm

December 15th thru the 22nd: Monday - Saturday: 9am to 11pm Sunday: 9am to 10pm Saturday December 23rd: 8am to 11pm Sunday December 24th: 8am to 6pm Monday December 25th: closed

MUSIC MILLENNIUM 3158 EAST BURNSIDE ST 503-231-8926 MUSICMILLENNIUM.COM 20

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

FLOUR POWER: Local edible company Laurie + MaryJane, whose founder, Laurie Wolf, is pictured, has released six cooking seasonings.

Seasonally Stoned

We sampled three new Laurie + MaryJane hemp-infused cooking seasonings and discovered that they can enhance just about any dish—from bland pasta to fairy toast.

BY BRIANNA WHEELER

This may not be true for all stoners, but I love the taste of cannabis.

While other users may cringe at the sour, skunky or bitter notes of a dank nug, others salivate. Cannabis is an acquired taste, and for those who’ve acquired it, a nuanced terpene profile can be as gastronomically attractive as a Fred Meyer bakery counter, which is to say, very.

However, cannabis enthusiasts of all sorts should find something that pleases their palate in Laurie + MaryJane’s newest line: Herb + Spice—six seasoning blends with 240 milligrams of decarboxylated hemp CBD. The addition of the jars of flavoring to the Portland company’s already robust lineup of edibles marks a kind of turning point, not just for Laurie + MaryJane but for the industry as a whole. Users are spoiled for choice when it comes to cannabisinfused candy, snacks and even beverages, but a product that encourages culinary creativity and puts users in control of every aspect of their edible experience is a rare commodity.

Since stoned kitchen sports is one of my favorite pastimes, I was eager to try the blends. After buying and experimenting with three, here are the results: Ranch Seasoning For ranch dressing enthusiasts, this blend hit all the notes that a packet of Lawry’s or Hidden Valley Ranch seasoning would feature, with barely a hint of grassy cannabis essence. It’s also as easy to use as a grocery store flavoring blend. When shaken straight from the bottle into a small bowl of sour cream or plain yogurt, the resulting dip is a perfect accompaniment to a veggie tray, charcuterie board, or french fries. I’m not much of a ranch diva, but I would enthusiastically dunk several baby carrots into this spread.

Spiced Sugar Seasoning Being a stoner with a sweet tooth, this blend was the one I was most excited to audition. When making sweet edibles, dosing can be tricky because of the way carrier oils do or do not disseminate into a batter.

Short of infused butter, incorporating weed into the dough pre-bake can lead to grasslike or bitter flavors

in the finished product. The Laurie + MaryJane Spiced Sugar blend conceals cannabis’s funky notes with a potpourri of ultrafine sugar, cinnamon, milk powder, vanilla bean, nutmeg, molasses and clove. It would be a superb finish to a cookie, loaf or muffin, but feeling too lazy to bake, I just sprinkled it on a heavily buttered slice of white toast scattered with rainbow jimmies. I simultaneously experienced a sugar rush and a CBDinduced state of relaxation. Highly recommended.

Italian Seasoning A basic Italian blend is a spice rack essential that comes in handy when you need to add flavor to basic jarred sauce or simply kick your garlic bread up a notch. Laurie + MaryJane’s version delivers, even with its addition of dank cannabis flower. The seasoning’s expertly balanced blend of garlic, basil, chile flakes, oregano, parsley and thyme amped up my otherwise semi-bland pesto pasta and added an ephemeral layer of weedy complexity that, as a true cannaisseur, excited my palate. Post-pesto pasta, I added a dash to frozen pizza, a baked potato, and savory gravy. As a CBD supplement, it’s effectively soothing; as a spice, it’d be proudly stocked on my shelf. High praise, indeed.

BUY: Laurie + MaryJane, 7958 SE Foster Road, 503-765-8061, laurieandmaryjane.com.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

21

CULTURE

Editor: Bennett Campbell Ferguson | Contact: bennett@wweek.com COURTESY OF THE PORTLAND ART MUSUEM

SHOWS OF THE WEEK W H AT TO S E E A N D W H AT TO H E A R

BY DA N I E L B R O M F I E L D @ b r o m f 3

COURTESY OF BELL WITCH

FRIDAY, DEC. 15:

Seattle bass-and-drums duo Bell Witch epitomizes the mournful sound of “funeral doom,” the slowest and most tenebrous of all extreme-metal subgenres. Yet there’s something fiercely alive about their music. Though singletrack 80-minute albums like Mirror Reaper and this year’s The Clandestine Gate may seem impenetrable at first, those prepared for the challenge may find themselves feeling exhilarated and even purified. Star Theater, 13 NW Sixth Ave. 9 pm. $22. 21+.

COURTESY OF GLACIER VEINS

SATURDAY, DEC. 16:

Portland band Glacier Veins’ sound exists somewhere between the gloss of 2000s radio rock and the androgynous blur of My Bloody Valentine. The band’s second album, Lunar Reflection, epitomizes the tight layered sound that’s become increasingly synonymous with Portland guitar bands, and the other acts on the bill—local faves Growing Pains and Midwest-style emo-mongers mauve—represent the best of the city’s rising rock scene. Polaris Hall, 635 N Killingsworth Ct. 8 pm. $15. All ages.

COURTESY OF ROSE CITY BAND

SATURDAY-SUNDAY, DEC. 16-17:

Portland’s Ripley Johnson made his name with amp-frying acid-rock bands like Wooden Shjips and Moon Duo, and with Rose City Band, he turns his psychedelic sensibilities to country music.

Languid and brimming over with reverb and steel guitars, Rose City Band’s two albums thus far epitomize the creativity of Portland’s thriving alt-country scene.

The group plays two nights at Show Bar with support from Rosali. Show Bar at Revolution Hall, 1300 SE Stark St. Night 1: 9 pm. Night 2: 8 pm. $22. 21+.

22

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

Fashion Forward

Africa Fashion at Portland Art Museum is a feast for the eyes that embraces abundance over lack.

BY B R I A N N A W H E E L E R

Of all the applied arts, fashion is arguably the most impactful.

Fashion blurs the line between the aesthetics of fine art and the functionality of contemporary craft, creating a tangible historical record in which we can hug the curves of cultural progression. Africa Fashion, now showing at the Portland Art Museum after muchheralded runs at London’s Victoria and Albert Museum and the Brooklyn Museum in New York, is a glorious exploration of that premise through the lens of the African diaspora.

This exhibition feels particularly vital at this moment. While Western media paints a distortive picture of Black and queer Black life, each section of this exhibit disregards preconceived notions, showcasing creations infused with unapologetic visionary joy.

The exhibit welcomes visitors with video loops of models posing dynamically in avant-garde pieces, sparkling and fluttering with colors and textures that defy easy categorization. Up next? Vibrant fuchsia (or magenta, depending on how the lights hit it) raffia-fringed couture by designer Imane Ayissi. Both pieces make a clear declaration on style and culture, projecting precisely what type of energy visitors can anticipate coursing through the exhibit’s corridors.

Fashion creates a tangible historical record in which we can hug the curves of cultural progression.

From these first dynamic visual elements, Africa Fashion is a feast for the eyes, focusing on “abundance rather than lack,” as the exhibition’s curator Christine Checinska describes. The exhibit’s intimate first gallery explores “The Year of Africa” (1960), when 17 African Nations bucked colonial occupation and, as a result, amplified the African fashion industry internationally.

This gallery primes visitors for the intrinsic relationship between fashion and resistance as it relates to post-colonial Africa. From complex wax-dyed linens to extravagant political costumes glittering with finely woven gold threads, these works are a window into a wildly influential period of African art.

Couture performance costumes, crisp atelier-to-runway selections, and a peppering of contemporary accessories that embrace traditional silhouettes all lead to a grandiose central showing reminiscent of a fashion week extravaganza, with dozens of Bantu-knotted or closecropped mannequins displaying a spectrum of works that embrace ancestry and modernity in equal measure, which in itself feels extraor-

dinary. Frenetic pattern clashing, unexpected alternative materials, and embroideries so fine they demand to be stared down all condense to deliver a glorious Afrocentric fashion renaissance unbothered by a dominant white fashion media (shoutout to Ghanaian-born British Vogue editor-in-chief Edward Enninful).

Highlights in this show abound: the trans-pride street/clubwear of Johannesburg designer Rich Mnisi, an aggressively patterned blackand-white jumpsuit from the Beyoncé-endorsed Senegalese brand Tongoro (designed by Sarah Diouf ), the bright-gold African-mask cast buttons adorning a futuristic suit based on the all-female military costumes of what is now Ghana and Benin by Loza Maléombho.

Ghanaian engagement-wear fashioned from traditional kente cloth is juxtaposed against gowns crafted from sleek vinyls and geometrically placed black-and-silver zippers. The theme, if one can be pinpointed, is the palpable energy of authentic expression through fashion, and in that, an avenue for necessary representation.

At the show’s preview, Checinska mused about Afrofuturism and Afro-utopia and how Africa Fashion not only amplifies those notions but also speaks in concert with PAM’s concurrent exhibit, Black Artists of Oregon (and how the language of Black joy and Black futurism are integral to discussions about resistance and liberation).

These exhibits share the same DNA, their force emanating from a rejection of the monolithically white Western art world in favor of artistic legacies that break new ground, tell new stories, and engage the intergenerational concern of art patrons of all backgrounds.

In 2018, I learned to sew my own clothes, primarily inspired by the Technicolor Nigerian and Ghanaian street-style blogs I’d long obsessed over. Interacting with Africa Fashion filled me with the same inspiration to express with fashion what cannot be expressed with words, and to honor heritage by being, among other things, an inarguably fiercely dressed and unapologetically half-Black fashion enthusiast.

Your experience may vary, but that should not deter Oregonians, especially Black Oregonians, from engaging with both Africa Fashion and Black Artists of Oregon while they’re on display together. It’s a conversation worth listening in on, even for those who identify as fashion apathetic (which is a pity, because even bad style is better than no style).

SEE IT: Africa Fashion at Portland Art Museum, 1219 SW Park Ave., 503-226-2811, portlandartmuseum.org.

On view through Feb. 18, 2024. 10 am-5 pm Wednesday-Sunday.

CULTURE

Editor: Bennett Campbell Ferguson | Contact: bennett@wweek.com

Vampire Slayers

Dr. Van Helsing and Mina Harker lead the war on the undead in Dracula: A Feminist Revenge Fantasy, Really.

BY B E N N E T T C A M P B E L L F E R G U S O N @thobennett

“There are good men in this world.”

Just before the blood-drenched climax of Kate Hamill’s Dracula: A Feminist Revenge Fantasy, Really, those words sprout from the mouth of Dr. George Seward (Darius Pierce), a cringingly sincere chap who runs a psychiatric hospital.

He is clearly a semi-intelligent man, but I have to ask, “Dude, really?” Hamill’s Dracula is defined by its conviction that most men are parasitic monsters at worst and paternalistic monsters at best. Yet Seward cannot grasp that the play’s message is less #NotAllMen than #YesAllMenToVaryingDegreesOfComplicity.

Whether that strikes you as pessimistic or just plain honest, there’s no denying that Portland Center Stage has brought Hamill’s Dracula to poetically gruesome life. With gothic grandeur and a fiendishly charismatic cast, the production lures you into its menacing embrace, holding you tight until its sinister final scene.

Although the protagonist of this pleasurably lurid affair is Mina Harker (Ashley Song), we first meet her husband, Jonathan (La’ Tevin Alexander). A fussy fellow in a gray tailcoat and gold spectacles, Jonathan kicks off the story by pondering whether it’s politically correct to refer to someone as a “peasant,” ensuring that we won’t be too devastated when he falls into the clutches of Count Dracula (Setareki Wainiqolo).

Wearing a globe-size grin and a maroon smoking jacket, Wainiqolo makes for a superbly stylish vampire. When a brainwashed Jonathan describes the Count as a “handsome” and “gracious” host, it’s hard to dis-

agree; Dracula revels in the good manners that conceal his vampiric hunger for human blood.

Appetite aside, this Dracula is a picky eater. “You are not quite my taste,” he tells Mina, a line that queasily recalls Donald Trump’s rebuke of writer E. Jean Carroll (“She’s not my type.”) before he was found guilty of sexually assaulting her.

Who is Dracula’s taste? He gets off on toying with Jonathan—who, in the Count’s thrall, adopts a terrifyingly vacant smile—but reserves the brunt of his bloodlust for Lucy Westenra (Sammy Rat Rios) and Dr. Van Helsing (Cycerli Ash), who arrives fully armed with daggers, silver crosses and enough garlic to stink up a skyscraper.

In the battle against the undead, Dr. Van Helsing is the wise and wary mentor and Mina is her earnest disciple. Visually, they’re a fascinating pair, with Van Helsing’s black leather jacket contrasting nicely with the pregnant Mina’s beige shawl. Jenny Ampersand’s costumes are as expressive as they are eye catching, reminding us that all women have a place in the war on patriarchal tyranny.

The play also argues that there is more than one way to be a patriarchal tyrant. Bullies like Dracula are an obvious threat, but Hamill reveals how shattered male stooges can be either dangerous or dangerously useless.

(After his encounter with the Count, Jonathan is reduced to a seizure-stricken mouthpiece for his new master, repeatedly shouting, “He is coming!”)

In Hamill’s study of the many shades of femininity and masculinity, Seward is by far the least compelling character. A hopeless mansplainer who unironically announces, “I hate a lecture,” he is the butt of countless

flimsy jokes and the center of an unconvincing journey toward redemption, joining forces with Mina and Van Helsing in a sequence that feels hollow and forced.

It’s hard not to wonder how the mesmerizingly unpredictable Pierce might have embodied a more layered version of Seward. But, like all the actors, he meshes beautifully with the play’s visual splendor, which was crafted by a platoon of peerless theater artisans, including director Marissa Wolf, lighting designer Carl Faber, and scenic designer Diggle.

It’s a privilege to see Dracula illuminated behind a translucent dark screen, like a faroff spectral presence in a nightmare, or a silhouetted Van Helsing framed against a vast crimson backdrop that promises giddy war (a promise kept with aplomb). Few Portland theater companies merge the epic and the arty like Portland Center Stage, whose productions often earn the right to be called blockbusters.

The night I saw Dracula, an electrical issue triggered the fire alarm, temporarily delaying the production. But dark wonderment swiftly eclipsed unease as the show started with minimal fuss, welcoming us into its shadowy world. It turns out that vampires, vampire hunters and theater artists all live by the same creed: The show must go on.

SEE IT: Dracula: A Feminist Revenge Fantasy, Really plays at Portland Center Stage, 128 NW 11th Ave., 503-445-3700, pcs.org.

7:30 pm Wednesday-Sunday, 2 pm Saturday-Sunday and select Thursdays, through Dec. 24.

Tickets start at $25.

C O U R T E S Y O F G R E AT E R K I N D

ALLISON BARR

FANG-TASTIC: Setareki Wainiqolo and Ashley Song.

SHOW REVIEW

Greaterkind at The Get Down

BY R O B E R T H A M

When Portland group greaterkind hit the stage at below-ground venue The Get Down last Wednesday, they knew the drill. Tasked with warming up the crowd for the much-anticipated appearance of Virginia-bred ensemble Butcher Brown, the modern jazz quartet set the tone for the night, got bodies moving, and then quickly got out of the headliner’s way.

Led by keyboardist Charlie Brown III, the group had less than an hour to make an impression and did so with a confidence and ease that belied their youth. The four men slipped behind their instruments with zero fanfare and barely stopped to catch their breath for the next 40 minutes. They pumped out song after song, many of them to be released on an upcoming album, with no pauses for tuning or bantering.

(Who has time for that?)

That might make it sound like the music was all velocity and impetuousness.

Instead, greaterkind worked in cooler shades akin to the deep pocket grooves of Herbie Hancock’s Head Hunters or The Meters. All four musicians were clearly capable of flying off into flashy solos, but they leaned into their group dynamic and a collective thump.

The spotlight turns they did take came about subtly, with the shrewdest of the bunch being bassist Ian Lindsay.

At times, a barrage of notes came flying from his instrument, but it looked as though his right hand was barely moving. Drummer Cory Limuaco wasn’t quite so understated, but even his splashy fills seemed to arrive at odd angles and occasionally threatened to push him off beat. True to form, he found his way back every time.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

23

COURTESY OF LISA HEPNER

GET YOUR REPS IN

MOVIES

Editor: Bennett Campbell Ferguson Contact: bennett@wweek.com

screener

Intolerable Cruelty (2003) If you want to be a Coen brothers completist, their minor works can yield minor yet delightful joys. Parachute in, perform a little postmortem on a relatively forgotten title, adjudicate blame, do some reclamation if possible—all fitting tasks for a movie about a divorce lawyer (George Clooney) and a habitual divorcée (Catherine Zeta-Jones) frolicking atop failed marriages.

That’s the crux of the Coens’ Intolerable Cruelty (2003), probably one of their two least beloved films (though certainly more beloved than The Ladykillers). It might also be the Coens’ most obvious attempt at a mainstream present-tense movie—a romp of naughty early-aughts cynicism about the shallowness of rich people, all fit for a dad’s lawyer joke book.

Of course, it’s also the Coens having their fun with film history, riffing on 1940s screwball comedies of remarriage, as Clooney and Zeta-Jones, arguably the two preeminent dreamboats of 2003, flirt their tails off and play pingpong with prenups.

Intolerable Cruelty screens Thursday, Dec. 14, at the Clinton Street as part of the theater’s twoweek Coen brothers series.

ALSO PLAYING: Academy: McCabe & Mrs. Miller (1971), Dec. 14. Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964), Dec. 14. The Far Country (1954), Dec. 15-21. Eight Crazy Nights (2002), Dec. 15-21. Clinton: Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (1992), Dec. 15. Hail, Caesar (2016), Dec. 16.

Blood Simple (1984), Dec. 18. The Hudsucker Proxy (1994), Dec. 19.

Hollywood: Small Soldiers (1998), Dec. 15. Tombs of the Blind Dead (1972), Dec. 16. Batman Returns (1992), Dec. 17. Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984), Dec. 19. Living Room: Beetlejuice (1987), Dec. 17. Tomorrow Theater: Perpetrator (2023), Dec. 15. Piaffe (2022), Dec. 15. Earth Mama (2023), Dec. 16. Our Father, the Devil (2021), Dec. 16.

24

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

CHRISTMAS CHEER: Jarod Joseph and Sarah Power

Merry and Mourning After 20 years in Portland, Lisa Hepner left to care for her dying mother. Now she’s written a movie inspired by her experience.

BY C H A N C E S O L E M - P F E I F E R @ c h a n c e _ s _ p

By Lisa Hepner’s estimation, 150 to 200 new Christmas movies coat the marketplace like a fresh powder each winter.

She would know. The longtime screenwriter (and former Portlander, pictured right) has penned four Christmas romance features for television—most recently The Christmas Checklist—and has observed both the insatiable appetite of the genre’s fandom and how tough it is to stand out.

That’s partly why The Christmas Checklist takes a different approach from the all-out sap of Hepner’s prior films (like last year’s Sappy Holiday). Her latest film, inspired by her experience leaving Portland after 20 years to care for her dying mother in Albuquerque, dares to strike a chord with the grieving inherent in the holiday season.

The Christmas Checklist centers on Emily (Sarah Power), who plans to spend the holidays home alone in her pajamas.

Immediately, though, she discovers a posthumous gift from her mom: a 12-days-of-Christmas checklist of self-healing holiday activities. This embodiment of the Christmas spirit catches the eye of handsome local journalist Noah (Jarod Joseph), who’s been promised a staff writer job if he can find a viral human interest story for Christmas.

With The Christmas Checklist now streaming, we caught up with Hepner to discuss her favorite Portland holiday traditions, how Christmas romances became her niche, and the challenges of putting a twist on the genre.

moved back to take care of her, my mom and I would just go upstairs and watch a Hallmark Christmas movie. We’d lie in bed and watch these movies and forget about her chemotherapy just for two hours. And then I was like, “Damn, I’m a screenwriter. Maybe I should try to write one.” We would joke while I was lying in bed, “One of these days I’m gonna have a Christmas romance you can watch.” She didn’t make it for that [Hepner’s mom passed in 2017], but hopefully she knows.

How do you balance romance and grief in a genre that people go to for escapism?

I was fortunate that I had developed relationships and had a producer willing to take a chance on this one. Yes, it covers grief, but the items on the checklist give it this inspirational aspect.

Sprinkle in some romance! Throw in a rescue dog! [Laughs.] I’ve had some people email me, “I also lost my mom, and I just needed a good cry.” That’s really what touches me.

“I didn’t have a road map for grief.”

WW: Assuming your mom did not leave you an actual Christmas checklist when she passed, is the checklist coming from that place of badly wanting direction when you’re grieving?

Lisa Hepner: Exactly. I didn’t have a road map for grief. We ask for signs from our loved ones. I did that one night. I was lying in bed and was kind of like, “If you’re with me [Mom], give me a sign,” and then the words “the Christmas checklist” popped into my head. I think she gave me that title.

The Christmas romance has become your screenwriting stock and trade. How did that happen?

That was also kind of inspired by my mom. When she got sick and we

How does a straight-to-streaming Christmas movie find its audience?

It’s an uphill battle to get the word out, but I think there’s such a specific niche. I’ve been trying to put out the hashtag #HolidayGrief on all my stuff. I believe there’s a specific subset of people that maybe love those Hallmark movies and everything but happen to be grieving this Christmas. Where do they go?

I’ve also been teaching online classes through a group called Roadmap Writers. I tell people to go into a smaller niche. Would you rather be a big fish in a little pond or a little fish in this big pond of other fish?

Lifetime thrillers are another niche that screenwriters can break into a little easier [than blockbusters], and faith-based movies.

Favorite Portland-specific holiday traditions?

We loved to go to the Grotto. It’s amazing with the lights and the caroling and the hot chocolate.

SEE IT: The Christmas Checklist, not rated, streams on Amazon Prime, Peacock, Roku and Tubi.

MOVIES IMDB

TOP PICK OF THE WEEK

from Pieces (1982) and I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997). Dinner is served.

R. DANIEL RESTER. Cedar Hills, Eastport, Evergreen Parkway, Pioneer Place, Stark Street, Vancouver Mall, Vancouver Plaza.

MAESTRO

FALLEN LEAVES

Tracking the absences in Finnish auteur Aki Kaurismäki’s Fallen Leaves reveals a lot about this love story’s autumnal flavor. Set in present-day Helsinki (with constant reports of the Russian military bombing of Mariupol on the radio), Fallen Leaves contains almost no digital technology. There are no careers—only jobs. No forward momentum. No children. Hell, there’s no one younger than 40 in the film, save for a synthwave duo that plays at protagonist Holappa’s local bar one evening. (The passion in their music stirs in him only the sadness to have another drink.) Even so, Ansa (Alma Pöysti) is interested in Holappa (Jussi Vatanen). They’re two townies firmly in middle age, wrapping themselves in the stoicism of a hard day’s work (industrial cleaning and shelf-stocking) and lonely beds. The emptiness of their lives and their city makes them seem destined to connect, but with Helsinki’s understated harshness, what vulnerability is left? The filmmaking mimics the characters’ stiffness with long static shots while costuming Holappa and Ansa in monochromatic reds and greens, as if suggesting that emotionality has to live somewhere, if only in vibrant dyes. To this end, Kaurismäki cuts a few corners in the film’s 81-minute runtime, using folk and pop songs to loudly express what Holappa and Ansa might feel. The audience can really hear the music. Can the characters? NR. CHANCE SOLEM-PFEIFER. Living Room.

NAPOLEON

Near the end of Napoleon, the eponymous French emperor (Joaquin Phoenix) demands to know what happened to the adoring letters he wrote to his beloved Joséphine (Vanessa Kirby).

Yet for all his lordly airs, Napoleon doesn’t sound like a conqueror; he sounds like a high schooler whining about his flirty love notes to a cute girl in algebra class getting tossed in the trash. Such is life in Napoleon, which fuses the beautifully erratic humanity of Phoenix with the sweeping meticulousness of director Ridley Scott.

Portraying Napoleon as both a devilish strategist and a lovesick dope is hardly a stretch: When the emperor died in exile in 1821, his final words were, “France, the army, head of the army, Joséphine.” That demands a paramour of mythic proportions, though “mythic” hardly does Kirby’s Joséphine justice. A scene in which she bares her crotch to Napoleon (“Once you see it, you will always want it,” she prophetically declares) is memorable but barely necessary; one word spoken in Kirby’s steely, velvety voice could seduce all but the sternest of authoritarians. Napoleon is even better as a sex comedy than it is as a violent spectacle, which is really saying something: Even the melees Scott staged for Gladiator are outdone by his poetic and brutish re-creation of Napoleon’s theatrics at the Battle of Austerlitz, which leaves Lake Satschen filled with ice, blood and cannonballs. Still, Scott never lets us forget that Napoleon is the overgrown adolescent who, in one scene, shames an Englishman by shouting, “You think you’re so great because you have boats!” Cry havoc and let slip the boys of war. R. BENNETT CAMPBELL FERGUSON. Cedar Hills, City Center, Eastport, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower, Living Room, Lloyd Center, Mill Plain, Oak Grove, Progress Ridge, Studio One.

AMERICAN SYMPHONY

American Symphony explores a year in the life of musician Jon Batiste, who has worked with artists ranging from Stevie

Wonder to Ed Sheeran. Director Matthew Heineman’s documentary briefly touches on Batiste’s life growing up in New Orleans, his time at Juilliard and The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, and his Grammy success, but for the most part stays focused on Batiste putting together his first symphony while his wife, Suleika Jaouad, battled leukemia. Heineman captures moments both sweeping and subtle in Batiste’s life; in one scene Batiste guides a room full of dozens of musicians with enthusiasm, while in the next he faces depression. One wishes more of Jaouad’s life were explored beyond her cancer diagnosis (Heineman occasionally holds her at arm’s length), but American Symphony reaches a moving and rousing climax when it offers a look at the performance of Batiste’s symphony at Carnegie Hall. When Batiste is forced to improvise on the piano, the moment is a testament to his brilliance as an artist, as is the film itself.

PG-13. DANIEL RESTER. Netflix.

EILEEN

The coastal Massachusetts winter of 1964 is testing Eileen. The 24-year-old (played by Thomasin McKenzie) never intended to keep her penitentiary office job this long. Her car is fuming. Her mother is recently deceased. She lives with her father (Shea Whigham), an ex-cop who likes vodka and revolvers. This depressing tableau—with its underexposed lighting and searching woodwind score—pushes Eileen into an active fantasy life, with visions of impromptu sex and fratricide. Then into the prison strides new resident psychologist Rebecca Saint John (Anne Hathaway)—blond, Harvard-educated, willowy, single, unflapped by the patriarchy. Eileen couldn’t have dreamt up a more enviable model of 1964 womanhood, and Rebecca immediately takes young Eileen under her wing. Hathaway’s ability to smoke while flirting (in a Katherine Hepburn-esque voice) juxtaposed with McKenzie’s wideeyed youthfulness make Todd Haynes’ Carol the obvious comparison. Yet Eileen, based on Ottessa Moshfegh’s novel and

directed by William Oldroyd (Lady Macbeth), is a shiftier narrative than Carol to both exhilarating and wobbly ends. There’s a Hitchcockian streak at work, from the title-card typeface owing to Marnie (1964) to the psychologist stereotypes borrowed from Spellbound (1945). Eileen looks more forward than inward at the plot hijinks caused by playing God with traumatized people. Still, dimensionality be damned, there are worst sins than taking a wild left turn in a character study. R. CHANCE SOLEM-PFEIFER. Bridgeport, Cascade, Cedar Hills, Clackamas, Eastport, Evergreen Parkway, Living Room, Lloyd Center.

THANKSGIVING

Director Eli Roth offers up a bloody feast for fans of old-school slashers with Thanksgiving, a feature-length adaptation of his fake trailer that played in front of Grindhouse (2007). The film opens with a bang as chaos spreads in a Right Mart during Black Friday sales on Thanksgiving night; Roth treats the scene more like a zombie invasion than a shopping event.

The plot then jumps forward a year as a killer in a pilgrim mask targets a group of teens he finds responsible for the previous holiday disaster. Thanksgiving may be Roth’s best horror effort since he traumatized audiences with Hostel (2006). Yes, the premise is silly, but the movie knows it, winking at the audience with absurd scenarios and over-the-top gore. (One scene involving a cat is especially welcome.) The killer’s identity, motivation and even downfall can be guessed pretty early on, but seasoned horror fans should enjoy watching Roth cook with ingredients borrowed

“I love too much,” Leonard Bernstein (Bradley Cooper) confesses in Maestro.

“I’m reining it in!” Fat chance. Belted with mock seriousness, that declaration makes clear that Bernstein has no intention of containing his passion for anything—not composing, not conducting, not women and not men. Best known for his swooning, transcendent West Side Story melodies, Bernstein was both an unyielding artist and a crusader for civil rights and nuclear disarmament. Neither side of his personality feels fully present in Maestro, which was directed by Cooper, who prefers to feast on Bernstein’s tortured marriage to Felicia Montealegre (Carey Mulligan). After a beautifully surreal first act packed with spry dancing sailors, Maestro dutifully details Bernstein’s extramarital conquests, remaining remarkably unmusical for a movie about the man who became the most famous conductor in America at 25.

Yes, Cooper ebulliently re-creates the 1973 performance of Mahler’s Symphony No. 2 that Bernstein conducted at Ely Cathedral, but since the film shows barely any interest in the craft of conducting, he may as well just be an elegant arm waver. (Cate Blanchett was more credible as a fictitious conductor in Tár.) And the brutal, borderline exploitive scenes chronicling Felicia’s battle with lung cancer? They inadvertently reveal the shallow swagger of Cooper’s vision. For all its pretensions, Maestro isn’t art; it’s punishment. R. BENNETT CAMPBELL FERGUSON. Living Room.

POOR THINGS

Bella Baxter (Emma Stone) experiences a feminist awakening in ways that only a man could write, like making love to Mark Ruffalo and working in a French brothel. Shocker: We’re in the minds of director Yorgos Lanthimos and screenwriter Tony McNamara, the lurid stylists of The Favorite (2018). That film whipped up a soufflé of 18th century sexual intrigue, but Poor Things, based on Alasdair Gray’s novel, strides into Victorian England, where the automatonlike Bella is cared for/imprisoned by surgeon Dr. Godwin (Willem Dafoe) and his lackey Max (Ramy Youssef). Bella, jerky in movement and literal in speech, has a blunt innocence that inspires a wonderstruck Max to describe her as “a very pretty retard.” Few things betray shallowness of vision faster than a fetishization of the politically incorrect, but Lanthimos barrels on with his juvenile flourishes, blending Wes Andersonian whimsy with lame “witty” lines like, “Let us touch each other’s genital pieces!” By the time the director tacks on an extended homage to Freaks (1932), it’s excruciatingly clear that his affectations—monotone dialogue, steampunkish visuals—are a thin mask for his paucity of ideas. Only in the presence of Ruffalo, playing a sleazy and seductive lawyer, does the film vibrate with life. Adopting an English accent about as convincing as Spam packaged in a tin of Walker’s Shortbread, Ruffalo’s performance is the antidote to the artificial quirks of Poor Things. He’s so joyously fake that he’s scarily real. R. BENNETT CAMPBELL FERGUSON. Cinema 21, Hollywood.

OUR KEY

: THIS MOVIE IS EXCELLENT, ONE OF THE BEST OF THE YEAR. : THIS MOVIE IS GOOD. WE RECOMMEND YOU WATCH IT. : THIS MOVIE IS ENTERTAINING BUT FLAWED. : THIS MOVIE IS A STEAMING PILE.

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

25

TRUE SCENES FROM THE STREETS! @sketchypeoplepdx

26

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

by Jack Kent

JONESIN’

FREE WILL

B Y M AT T J O N E S

"A Charitable Puzzle"--that's my impression.

ASTROLOGY ARIES (March 21-April 19): In 1849, Harriet Tub-

man escaped from enslavement on a plantation in Maryland. She could have enjoyed her new freedom in peace, but instead resolved to liberate others. During 13 bold forays into enemy territory, she rescued 70 enslaved people and ushered them to safety. She testified that she relied on her dreams and visions to help her carry out her heroic acts. They revealed to her the best escape routes to take, the best times to proceed, and information about how to avoid the fiendish “slave catchers.” In alignment with astrological omens, I invite you to be like Tubman and seek practical guidance from your dreams in the coming weeks—to solve problems or seek bliss.

(Sept. 23-Oct. 22): My Uncle Ned advised me, “The best gift you can compel your ego to accept is to make it your servant instead of your master.” An early Buddhist teacher sounded a related theme when she told me, “The best things in life are most likely to come your way if you periodically shed all hope and practice being completely empty.” The girlfriend I had when I was 23 confided, “You may get more enjoyment from the witty ways I confound you if you don’t try to understand them.” I offer these three ideas to you, Libra, because you’re in a phase when the moral of your story is that there is no apparent moral to your story—at least until you surrender your notions of what the moral of your story is.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20): Jack Nicholson has

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21): I believe you Scor-

often played mavericks and anti-heroes in his movies. His life away from the silver screen has also been less than steady and predictable. For example, he has fathered six children with five different women. His fellow actor, Carrie Fisher, said Jack was “fun because he doesn’t make sense.” A person with casual knowledge of astrology might be surprised that Nicholson is a Taurus. Your tribe isn’t typically renowned for high eccentricity. But in his natal chart, Nicholson has the brash planet Uranus near his sun in Taurus, indicating he’s quirky. Aside from that, I have known plenty of Tauruses whose commitment to being uniquely themselves makes them idiosyncratic.

These themes will be in play for you during the coming weeks. (PS: Taurus musician David Byrne starred in the concert film, Stop Making Sense.)

GEMINI

ACROSS 1. "Mamma Mia" features their catalog 5. Item no longer mailed out

by Netflix 9. Flower fragment 14. Fruity dessert 15. Ibiza o Mallorca 16. Project, as charm 17. Lunar eclipse sight, sometimes 19. Yorba Linda presidential library subject 20. Alternative to Dollar or Budget 21. Prods into action 23. The _ _ _-Bol man (classic TV ad character)

60. Brand of vegetable chips

29. Football and golf announcer Jim

62. Hummus brand

30. Dart (about)

65. Phrase about vibes, or what precedes the first words of the long answers?

33. Lot attendant

68. "Three Coins in the Fountain" fountain 69. Taverna liqueur 70. Actress McClurg of "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

73. _ _ _-do-well (idler)

DOWN 1. Baseball scoreboard words

31. Ctrl-Alt-_ _ _

4. One of three in a water molecule 5. Badly lit

33. _ _ _ parmigiana

6. "Equal" start

36. "Pinafore" designation

7. Walks through muck

38. Bolt on a track

8. Paddled at camp

40. Writer who gets asked a lot of judgment questions

9. Part of some old clocks

47. Abbr. at an airport terminal 48. "Dude, Where's My _ _ _?"

51. Three Stooges blow 53. Doubly polite acknowledgment?

56. Talk or rally preceder 59. Practice piece

41. Screwdriver, e.g.

49. Sun Devils' inst.

3. Comprehensive

46. "A Bug's Life" beat it in the 1998 box office

39. Round fastener

72. Mini-feud

30. Admit guilt, with "up"

45. Oversized

37. Weep loudly

42. "The Simpsons" sister

2. Notable name in pinball machines

44. Give a false story

35. Spa brand with a Sanskrit name

71. Metal for an 11th wedding anniversary

24. Remote feature that breaks?

32. Nutritional guideline letters

34. Singer Piaf

10. Be 11. Rental for a formal 12. Fuss

43. Fruit with a wrinkly rind 50. Dashboard features, still 52. Protesting 54. "The _ _ _!" (cry of outrage) 55. Awaken 56. June celebration 57. Muppet who shares a domicile 58. On-call attachment, once 61. Like 100 62. GPS lines 63. Gallery stuff 64. Quilting gathering 66. "Kill Bill" artist 67. "Asia's _ _ _ Talent" (international TV show)

13. "Dancing With the Stars" judge Goodman 18. "Sweet!"

22. "Good Burger" actor Vigoda 25. "Days of Grace" author Arthur 26. "Semper Fi" org.

27. Practice seriously 28. Keats or Wordsworth

(May 21-June 20): The platitude says that if life gives us lemons, we should make lemonade.

I’ve got a variation on this theme. Consider the Neva River in northwestern Russia. It freezes every winter. During the frigid months of 1739-1740, Empress Anna Ioannovna ordered her workers to cut huge blocks of ice and use them to construct a magnificent palace on the riverbank. She filled the place with furniture and art, making it a hub of festivities celebrating Russia’s triumph over the Ottoman Empire. I bring these themes to your attention, Gemini, because I suspect that in the coming weeks, you will have substantial redemptive power. Whether you make lemonade from lemons or a palace from a frozen river is up to you.

CANCER (June 21-July 22): “If the world were

merely seductive, that would be easy,” wrote Cancerian author E. B. White. “If it were merely challenging, that would be no problem. But I arise in the morning torn between a desire to improve the world and a desire to enjoy the world. This makes it hard to plan the day.” According to my astrological analysis, your fate in recent weeks has been more challenging than seductive. You’ve been pressed to work on dilemmas and make adjustments more than you might like. But this rhythm is about to change. Up ahead, life is seductive, welcoming, and appealing. Are you prepared to drop any unconscious attachment you have to your interesting discomfort so you can smoothly make the transition to more ease?

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22): I want to prepare you for the delights of the coming days. I want to make sure you are fully alert for them and primed to appreciate them. So I give you the thoughts of Leo psychologist Carl Jung. “It is important to have a secret, a premonition of things unknown,” he said. “We must sense that we live in a mysterious world—that things happen and can be experienced that remain inexplicable; that not everything can be anticipated; that the unexpected and incredible belong in this world. Only then is life whole.”

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Have you taken a last week’s answers

WEEK OF DECEMBER 14

© 2023 ROB BREZSNY

refreshing break lately? Maybe even a soothing sabbatical? Have you treated yourself to a respite from the gritty grind? If not, please do so soon. And while you are recharging your psychic batteries, I ask you to give your fantasy life ample room to wander wildly and freely. In my astrological opinion, your imagination needs to be fed and fed with gourmet food for thought. For the sake of your soul’s health, I hope you dream up fantastic, unruly, even outrageous possibilities.

LIBRA

pios are the zodiac sign mostly likely to benefit from being empathetic. By that I mean you have substantial power to thrive by reading other people’s moods and feelings. You are often able to figure out angles that enable you to gather what you want while helping others to gather what they want. You are potentially a genius at doing what’s best for everyone and getting paid and rewarded for it. According to my analysis of the astrological omens, this knack of yours will soon be operating at peak levels.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Egyptian Pharaoh Tutankhamun died over 3,300 years ago. When his mournful entourage placed him in his tomb, the treasures they left included a pot of honey, which was meant to sweeten his travels in the afterlife. In the early 20th century, archaeologists excavated the ancient site. They dared to sample the honey, finding it as tasty and fresh as if it had just been made. Amazingly, this same longevity is a characteristic of most honey. I propose we use this as a metaphor for your life. What old resources or experiences from your past might be as pure and nurturing as they were originally?

And now could they be of value now?

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19): Screenwriter John

Patrick Shanley writes, “Life holds its miracles, good erupting from darkness chief among them.”

I predict a comparable miracle for you, Capricorn, though I suspect it will arise out of confusion or inertia rather than darkness. My advice: Don’t be so bogged down in the muddle that you miss the signs that a great awakening is nigh. Start rehearsing how you will feel when deliverance arrives.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Before he reached

the height of fame as a novelist, Aquarian Charles Dickens experienced financial instability. When he was 31, the situation got desperate, and he resolved to take extreme measures. For six weeks, beginning in October 1843, he obsessively worked on writing the story A Christmas Carol. It was published on December 19 and sold out in a few days. Within a year, 13 editions were released.

Dicken’s economic worries were over. Dear Aquarius, I think the near future will be a favorable time for you, too, to take dramatic, focused action to fix a problem you’re having.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): Many religious people

believe God can hear their prayers and intervene in worldly affairs. Other religious folks think God can hear their prayers but may not intervene.

Then there are the non-religious folks who don’t believe in God and think praying is useless.

Wherever you might be on the spectrum, Pisces, I’m pleased to reveal that you will have extra access to support and benefaction in the coming weeks—whether that’s from God, fate, nature, or other humans. So seek out blessings and assistance with alacrity. Be receptive to all potential helpers, even unlikely ones.

Homework: My new book has inspirations and prompts akin to what you read in my horoscopes: https://bit.ly/AstrologyReal

CHECK OUT ROB BREZSNY’S EXPANDED WEEKLY AUDIO HOROSCOPES & DAILY TEXT MESSAGE HOROSCOPES

©2023 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #JNZ990.

freewillastrology.com

The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700

Willamette Week DECEMBER 13, 2023 wweek.com

27

CLASSIFIEDS TRADEUPMUSIC.COM TO PLACE AN AD, CONTACT:

MICHAEL DONHOWE

503-243-2122 mdonhowe@wweek.com LIVE PRANK CALL SHOWS

by Portland locals! Broadcasting throughout the day at prankcast.com.

Buying, selling, instruments of every shape and size. Open 11am-6pm every day. 4701 SE Division & 1834 NE Alberta.

CASH for INSTRUMENTS Tradeupmusic.com SE 503-236-8800 NE 503-335-8800

Steve Greenberg Tree Service

Pruning and removals, stump grinding, 24-hour emergency service.

Licensed/Insured. CCB#67024. Free estimates: 503-284-2077

Sunlan Lighting

For all your lightbulb fixtures & parts 3901 N Mississippi Ave. | 503.281.0453 Essential Business Hours 9:00 to 5:30 Monday - Friday | 11:00-4:00 Saturday

Sunlan cartoons by Kay Newell “The Lightbulb Lady” Facebook / Twitter / Instagram / Google

sunlanlighting.com

WAKE UP TO WHAT MATTERS IN PORTLAND.

Willamette Week’s daily newsletter arrives every weekday morning with the day’s top news.