Willamette Week, November 29, 2023 - Volume 50, Issue 3 - "The Battle of Meyer Farm"

“NO QUEEN COULD PERFORM OVER 10 MINUTES, OR UNDER TWO…OR WE’D LOSE.” P. 22 WWEEK.COM VOL 50/03 11.29.2023

NEWS: An Expensive Mobile Home Park. P. 10 FOOD: Appetizing Sharp Objects. P. 20 FILM: Kuchar Kaboodle. P. 24 WILLAMETTE WEEK PORTLAND’S NEWSWEEKLY

THE BATTLE OF MEYER FARM

BY ANTHONY EFFINGER

An hour south of Portland, a farm sits amid rolling meadows, shaded by guardian oaks. It doesn’t look like a battlefield, but it is, and it’s the first of many.

READ MORE ON PAGE 12.

sale prices good thru 12/31/23

2

Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

FINDINGS MICHAEL RAINES

MACHETES, PAGE 20

WHAT WE LEARNED FROM READING THIS WEEK’S PAPER VOL. 50, ISSUE 03 Teachers get back pay and can keep their strike relief funds. 6 For a third time, Oregon grew too much weed. 7 Dan Ryan pledged to pay $3.5 million for a mobile home park now assessed at $1.5 million. 10 Ninety-seven percent of the Oregon white oaks in the Willamette Valley are gone. 13 Kettle Foods started because Tim Meyer was dazzled by a potato chip that one of his nieces purchased from a guy in a van. 14 One entry in the Fourth Annual Fungi Film Fest is a stop-motion short about “humanized rats” that take shrooms. 18 This holiday season, you can have a seat on Krampus’ lap at Gigantic Brewing. 18

ON THE COVER: A family farm near Salem is a battlefield in Gov. Tina Kotek’s war to boost housing production; photo

by Christopher Valentine.

During Portland’s 2016 snowstorm, people tried to book a room at the Goose Hollow Inn. 19 Machetes aren’t always knives.

20

Portland will get its first-ever Hanukkah-themed pop-up bar this December. 21

If you want to break records, it helps to have a pet goat named Lipstick . 22 A bone nut is the piece at the top of a guitar neck that holds the strings in place. 23 Rilo Kiley’s “Portions for Foxes” had a long run as the most popular song at Baby Ketten Klub. 23 Curious what it’s like when angels host a wet T-shirt contest? There is a place. 24

OUR MOST TRAFFICKED STORY ONLINE THIS WEEK: Security guards boot Thanksgiving meal providers from North Portland parking lot.

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Anna Zusman

EDITORIAL

Managing Editor Aaron Mesh Arts & Culture Editor Andi Prewitt Assistant A&C Editor Bennett Campbell Ferguson Staff Writers Anthony Effinger Nigel Jaquiss Lucas Manfield Sophie Peel Rachel Saslow Copy Editor Matt Buckingham Editor Mark Zusman

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3

• ••••

DIALOGUE

••••

TA R E B A LRO S ER E T A •••• E H T WORLDOREGON’S international speaker series

DEC 12

MASIH ALINEJAD THE WIND IN MY HAIR

The Fight for Women, Life, Freedom in Iran

MG, VIA WWEEK.COM: “This

ANNE ELIZABETH, VIA WWEEK.COM: “Way to describe

DEC 31

pro-union and pro-teacher person has been dismayed at the approach of PAT from the beginning of this. To be that wildly inaccurate in the budget numbers, not to mention the pathetic plea to the governor to bail them out with magical money, tells me that this was a case of an overeager union thinking that liberal Portland would forgive them for providing our children with yet another year of substandard effort. I have not forgot the garbage distance learning that these people provided, nor have I forgot how they refused to open the schools even after cutting line on vaccinations. I’m sure being a teacher in Portland is very hard and there are a lot of reforms needed. Thinking that parents and kids will piss away their futures to help them throw a temper tantrum about that is a ridiculous misstep that their own union clearly baited them into. Just a shameful performance all around. Glad they got their raise. My kids certainly didn’t get a brighter future.”

NEW YEAR’S EVE PARTY!

Dr. Know

DEC 20

DEC 21

A BURLY CAROL a Burlesque tale inspired by A Christmas Carol

3 Leg Torso presents

DEC 22 DEC 23

THE ELVISES OF FROSTLÄND

+ Pepe Raphael | Jet Black Pearl The Amazing Bubble Man | Chervona DEC 29

DEC 30

DRUNK HERSTORY

ELTON DAN & THE ROCKET BAND

a tribute to ELTON JOHN

the legitimate demands of teachers for adequate learning environments as merely ‘catnip for parent support.’ Do you know what it’s like to try to teach 30 kindergarten students how to share adult attention AND learn to read? Do you work in an unreinforced masonry building with a 100-year-old heating system, windows painted shut, mold, asbestos and rodents?

Would you?

“So much for actual journalism from WW.” WILLJPARKER, VIA REDDIT:

“Something to keep in mind is that private unions, like the Teamsters, can have union leaders that are professional labor relations people.

“Public employee unions, like the teachers union, can’t.

All union members and leadership must be teachers. The larger organizations, like Service Employees International Union and the National Education Association, can have professional labor relations people, but the locals are limited to the

BY MARTY SMITH @martysmithxxx

JAN 10

UPCOMING SHOWS

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MEMBERS OF THE NOWHERE BAND W/ CSN GUITARIST JEFF PEVAR

1/27 - MAY ERLEWINE

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albertarosetheatre.com

3000 NE Alberta • 503.764.4131 4

At press deadline, the teachers’ strike that closed Portland Public Schools for most of November was barreling toward a reconciliation. But let us not allow this newly forged peace to spoil our memories of the vicious backbiting the strike provoked. No, let’s preserve in amber the hostile jabs traded between organized labor and demoralized parents.

Many of these remarks were occasioned by last week’s cover profile of Portland Association of Teachers president Angela Bonilla (“Made for Walking,” WW, Nov. 22). Here is a sampling of what readers had to say. Let the healing begin!

Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

The other night, around 1 am, I noticed frost on my car. The temperature at the time was well above freezing—like, 37° or so. I feel like this happens all the time, even though, according to physics, it should be impossible. In the immortal words of Sarah Palin, WTF? —Slush Puppie I sympathize with your confusion, Slush. This phenomenon so flies in the face of our native intuitions about weather that plenty of folks will tell you it simply can’t happen—you must have read the thermometer wrong.

The native intuitions usually include some vague idea that the ground gets frosty cold because cold air blows in from a cold place (the North Pole, maybe?) and makes it cold. If that air is cold enough, it will chill the ground below the freezing point of water, making frost possible.

By this theory, the ambient temperature would need to be well below freezing for frost to form—how else could the ground get cold enough? What our intuition completely misses is that, ultimately, it’s not the air that chills the

members of the bargaining unit.

“Which means it’s going to be whatever teacher has the most friends and wants the job.

Not whoever is most qualified, because functionally no one is.

“So most public employee union locals are amateur hour as fuck.

“Source: former public employee union local president and chief steward.”

AUBREY PAGENSTECHER, VIA FACEBOOK: “I continue to be

inspired by President Bonilla’s leadership. She is leading this movement with brains, heart, and passion. I never doubt for a moment where her priorities are rooted: with the educators and students of Portland.

“I wish we would stop seeing the same few sound bites regurgitated in the local press.

Willamette Week is once again demonstrating they’re more interested in stirring the pot than reporting the facts.

“PAT has made a statement denouncing vandalism. Media chose not to run it. There’s no evidence that PAT members were involved in the vandalism, though many rushed to offer to clean up the damage.”

VONBLICK, VIA REDDIT: “The

political theater in this town always feels like the parking lot after a Grateful Dead show.”

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR must include the author's street address and phone number for verification. Letters must be 250 or fewer words.

Submit to: P.O. Box 10770, Portland, OR 97296 Email: mzusman@wweek.com

ground. Really, it’s the ground (and the trees, and the hills; Earth in general) that gets cold and chills the air. And it does this by—brace yourselves—radiating heat into outer space.

Yes, THAT outer space. As sweaty, warm-blooded creatures, we’re mostly aware of losing heat to the air; we don’t think much about emitting it as infrared radiation. In the universe at large, however, radiative cooling is a much bigger deal. Think about it: There’s no air on the moon, but it still manages to get plenty cold there at night. Our planet’s ability to radiate its excess heat into the cosmos is the only reason it hasn’t been fried to a cinder (yet).

Normally, we don’t really notice this effect.

We’ve got the sun warming things back up every day, frequent clouds to reflect heat back to Earth even at night, and breezes to stir the air and keep everything at pretty much the same temperature: all close enough to what our intuition predicts.

But sometimes, on a calm, cloudless night, you can see the real process at work—like that time the thermal mass of your car was able to cool radiatively far faster than the air around it, becoming cold enough to freeze water even though the thermometer said it was impossible. In the immortal words of Rosanna Arquette: That was trippy!

Questions? Send them to dr.know@wweek.com.

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MURMURS BRIAN BROSE

THE STRIKE IS OVER, PROBABLY TEACHERS GET BACK PAY AND RESTORED BENEFITS: Portland teachers who were pinching pennies during the Portland Association of Teachers’ strike Nov. 1-26 are experiencing some “financial whiplash,” as one educator calls it.

Relief is on the way. As part of their reentry settlement, teachers will be back-paid for the entire month of November. Not only will that help educators pay their bills as planned, it also restores their eligibility for December health benefits, which were at risk when the strike stretched past Nov. 16. That’s the day Portland Public Schools mailed out information to teachers about how to enroll in spendy COBRA insurance plans. If a teacher already filled out the COBRA paperwork and submitted payment, they will be refunded.

One other perk: Teachers get to keep the $120 in daily strike relief funds they earned from the Oregon Education Association, on top of their now-restored salaries.

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Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

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STATE FUNDS BARELY HALF OF COUNTY’S REQUEST TO EXPAND DIVERSION COURTS: Earlier this year, Multnomah County asked the state for $7 million to fund expansion of its four “specialty courts.” These courts allow people facing criminal charges to stay out of jail or prison by agreeing to undergo counseling or behavioral health treatment. But, to the disappointment of county officials, they were awarded barely half their request: $4 million, even less than they’d gotten in the prior biennium budget cycle. “We were a little dismayed,” Chief Criminal Judge Cheryl Albrecht told county leaders at a meeting in October. “I think everybody agrees, across the board, of the importance of the treatment courts, and with our lessening ability to engage in that work, it’s not promising.” The reason for the limited state grant allocation: competition from other counties. “We had more applicants this cycle compared to previous cycles (around an 11% increase). Unfortunately, our funding pot did not grow at the same rate (around a 4% increase), so more applicants were competing for funding,” says Ken Sanchagrin, head of the Oregon Criminal Justice Commission, which hands out the grants. The county says it’s looking for other sources of funding to help make up the gap. “One of the largest impacts is to treatment services,” says spokeswoman Jessica Morkert-Shibley. Increased attention has been given to one specialty court in particular: drug court.

Multnomah County’s drug court, called STOP, was eliminated following the decriminalization of small amounts of hard drugs. But the widespread use of fentanyl on downtown Portland streets has invigorated calls to bring it back. Officials have shifted resources to focus on “higher-risk individuals,” Albrecht explained, including a new court designed to divert Measure 11 offenders

from jail that has been highly touted by Multnomah County District Attorney Mike Schmidt.

That court, called STEP, was awarded less than half the $2 million officials asked for. “We will ultimately be turning people away,” says Circuit Judge Heidi Moawad, who oversees STEP. The county’s mental health court was also hard hit, receiving only 40% of the funding requested.

NO LAUGHING GAS MATTERS: Patients looking to get knee operations, hernia repair or any other non-emergency surgery at Providence hospitals are in for a monthlong wait because the nonprofit system doesn’t have enough anesthesiologists. Providence Portland on the eastside and Providence St. Vincent in the West Hills are taking only emergency, urgent and pregnancy-related cases through the end of the year, a Providence spokeswoman confirmed. The shortage started Nov. 22, when Providence dumped its local contractor, Oregon Anesthesiology Group, and hired Sound Physicians of Tacoma, Wash. “Unfortunately, the new group will not have enough credentialed anesthesia providers to fully cover the ORs at those facilities when the contract begins,” Providence managers told staff in an email Nov. 14. “We thank you for your understanding and support as we move through this difficult time.” Beyond patients, the clumsy switchover hurts surgeons, who can’t operate, and the nurses who assist them. “Surgeons are pissed,” says one source who works at St. Vincent. Meantime, the Providence spokeswoman said, nurses can do special projects, work temporarily in other departments, use vacation time, or take unpaid time off.

FIELD STILL UNSETTLED FOR BLUMENAUER SEAT: For years, political insiders speculated about the long list of ambitious politicians hoping for a shot at succeeding U.S. Rep. Earl Blumenauer (D-Ore.), who has represented Oregon’s 3rd Congressional District since 1996.

But in the month since Blumenauer announced he would not seek reelection, only two serious candidates, former Multnomah County Commissioner Susheela Jayapal and Gresham City Councilor Eddy Morales, have filed to run in the district’s Democratic primary. State Rep. Maxine Dexter (D-Portland) has also been mulling a run and says she will make a final decision next week.

Even if Dexter enters the race, as many expect, the three leading candidates will have a total of 13 years of elected experience between them— little more than half of the 23 years Blumenauer served in the Oregon Legislature and on the Multnomah County Board of Commissioners and Portland City Council before he first went to Washington, D.C.

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NEWS

WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW THIS WEEK

NOT AGAIN

Oregon harvested 4.79 million pounds of cannabis in October—up 15% from last year.

Source: Oregon Liquor and Cannabis Commission

Red Harvest For the third time in six years, Oregon cannabis farmers grew too much weed.

BY N I G E L J AQ U I S S n j a q u i s s @ w w e e k . c o m

In Oregon’s cannabis industry, nearly every day brings a new lawsuit for unpaid bills, a new lien for unpaid taxes, and another company thinking about giving up.

At the root of the industry’s problems: oversupply. Too much weed sold by too many retailers means lower prices, which means producers, processors and even middlemen lose money.

State economists track the industry closely, in part because quarterly cannabis tax payments fund the drug treatment services created by Measure 110.

For most of 2023, a downward trend in production promised an easing of the industry’s woes.

But state economists Mark McMullen and Josh Lehner’s most recent forecast, released Nov. 20, contained crushing news for the industry.

“Through the first nine months of the year, the marijuana harvest was nine percent lower than a year ago, and 15 percent lower than the record crop back in 2021,” the economists wrote.

“As the market appeared to be adjusting, prices were stabilizing.

That changed with the large October outdoor harvest which is 15 percent larger than last October.”

Beau Whitney, an independent Portland economist who tracks cannabis markets in Oregon and across the country, says the October supply spike “couldn’t have come at a worse time.”

In response to an industry survey Whitney is currently conducting, more than a third of respondents said they are struggling to pay taxes and even more said they are struggling to pay their debts. In many cases, retailers aren’t paying wholesalers who aren’t paying producers.

“People are walking away from cannabis licenses or selling them for pennies on the dollar,” Whitney says.

Across Oregon, cannabis tax delinquencies are up, and tax collections have fallen short of estimates in four of the past five quarters.

Those soft tax revenues are the reason weed struggles reverber-

ate beyond the industry. Measure 110, Oregon’s drug-decriminalization experiment, hinges on about two-thirds of cannabis taxes (which produce a net of $150 million a year) going to addiction treatment services. So low prices and high delinquencies threaten Measure 110’s shaky underpinnings.

Whitney says if the state wanted to buoy prices, it could move to reduce the number of licensees or their capacity, as Colorado has done. But Mark Pettinger, a spokesman for the Oregon Liquor and Cannabis Commission, says current conditions are the result of intentional policy decisions—and the federal government’s intransigence.

“The state and the industry and elected officials envisioned Oregon becoming a net exporter under federal legalization,” Pettinger says. “The oversupply we’re seeing underscores the dilemma in all states where marijuana is legal—it’s the equivalent of an Iowa corn farmer only being able to sell his crop within Iowa.”

TRENDING

Level Zero More and more often, no ambulance is available when Portlanders call 911 for medical help.

A nightmare scenario is becoming more common in Multnomah County: Ambulances are so scarce that 911 callers are being forced to wait.

That scenario is known as “level zero,” after the radio code used by dispatchers to warn first responders that there’s a backlog of requests for ambulances.

In January, the county began tracking how often Multnomah County descended to level zero, and in June, WW reported what it had learned: Ambulances were unavailable 5,000 times—approximately 10% of calls.

Now, new data shows, the problem is only getting worse. AMR says it responded to around 10,000 calls for service in October.

That month, there were over 1,800 “level-zero incidents,” the highest monthly total recorded so far, according to data provided by the Portland Bureau of Emergency Communications. That’s 18% of calls.

County officials dispute BOEC’s findings. A spokesperson says the county believes the bureau is using level zero “for times other than when no ambulances were available” and, in August, identified a dozen instances of it having done so.

“The use and meaning of level zero in the BOEC data does not just mean what it was originally designed for (i.e., there were physically no ambulances available),” county spokeswoman Sarah Dean said.

Others are more concerned. “Level zero, plain and simple, means Portlanders experiencing a medical emergency can’t get the care or transport they need as quickly as they need it,” City Commissioner Rene Gonzalez tells WW. The underlying problem is a nationwide shortage of paramedics, which has forced the county’s beleaguered ambulance 8

Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

contractor, American Medical Response, to run fewer ambu- cruiting. “We’re turning over all the stones we can,” he says. lances. Its parent company, as WW has previously reported, The county’s suggested solution: hire a subcontractor to pick is perilously in debt (“Junk Ambulances,” July 12). Right now, up the slack.

AMR is running as few as 32 ambulances in Multnomah County The obvious choice is Metro West Ambulance, AMR’s local each day. Normally, there are 50. competitor. AMR recently took over Metro West’s contract in As flu season approaches, calls increase, and when that increase Washington County, which has siphoned AMR paramedics away in demand meets plunging ambulance supply, level zero becomes from Multnomah County, the county says. more frequent. The result has been further delays.

Now, Metro West is back, having recently signed contracts Without major changes, the problem could go on for years, says with both Washington and Clackamas counties to supplement AMR operations manager Robert McDonald. But McDonald and AMR. And it appears interested in doing the same in Multnomah the county don’t agree on what that major solution should be.

County. “We have not been approached about an agreement for AMR says the county’s unique policy of requiring two paramed- subcontracting in Multnomah County, but Metro West Amics in each ambulance is unnecessary. Removing the restriction bulance is here to provide care in any capacity requested,” a would allow the company to return all its ambulances to the spokeswoman told WW in a statement. street within months, McDonald says.

AMR’s regional director, Randy Lauer, isn’t impressed: “They Without those changes, McDonald warned, AMR’s perfor- don’t have enough paramedics, either.” LUCAS MANFIELD. mance will continue to decline. “It’s going to get worse. And it will ultimately collapse.”

But the county isn’t Level Zero Incidents per Month budging. Its emergency Source: Portland Bureau of Emergency Communications medical director, Dr. Jonathan Jui, says the policy saves lives. He points to the county’s survival rate for heart attack victims, which is among the highest in the nation. (AMR says the survival rate is just as high in neighboring Clackamas County, which has a one-paramedic system.)

Instead, the county has fined AMR over $500,000. AMR is appealing the fines. McDonald says financial penalties will only exacerbate the problem as the company tries to invest more in re-

AT ISSUE

Pest

“Worst of the Worst” City Hall foreclosed on a Northeast Portland duplex that was a magnet for squatters.

LUCAS MANFIELD

Control

CHASING GHOSTS

City money helped resolve teacher demands for improved classroom conditions.

While the primary issues at the bargaining table during the Portland Association of Teachers’ strike this month were wages, planning time and class sizes, the one that perhaps got the most full-throated parent support was school building conditions.

“Hot, cold, rats, mold! This is getting really old!” went the skin-crawling chant on the picket lines in front of shuttered schools this month.

Getting all 81 Portland Public Schools up to modern standards is a massive undertaking, considering that 38 of those schools were constructed prior to 1930 and are operating “well past their intended design life,” according to the district. While PPS plows through modernization projects with the help of taxpayer-approved local levies—by next year, 20% of the district’s square footage will have been rebuilt since 2016—much work remains.

City Hall mostly stayed out of the strike, but building conditions was one area where Mayor Ted Wheeler stepped in. On Nov. 15, Wheeler and City Commissioner Carmen Rubio announced they would pony up money from the Portland Clean Energy Community Benefits Fund to help the two sides settle on a contract. (The money had already been designated for PPS.) “I am heartened to be able to support directly some of the stated needs of our schools and the children they serve,” Rubio said in the announcement.

Here’s a look at what the union asked for in its final offer before the strike began, what the district offered, and where the two sides landed in the tentative agreement signed Nov. 26: UNION DEMAND

Maintain classroom temperatures between 60 and 90 degrees; grant right to refuse to work in areas with mold, active roof leaks or rodent droppings.

DISTRICT OFFER

PAT’s previous contract guaranteed members “places of employment which are safe and healthful for professional educators.”

TENTATIVE AGREEMENT

$10 million in city funds to address classroom temperatures at 30 schools with the most low-income students. An additional $10 million in bond funds to address building health and safety. Committees at every school to report and expedite maintenance requests. R AC H E L S A S L OW.

ADDRESS: 7405-7415 NE Fremont St. YEAR BUILT: 1949 SQUARE FOOTAGE: 1,356 MARKET VALUE: $463,970 OWNER: Margaret Bogart HOW LONG IT’S BEEN EMPTY: A decade or more WHY IT’S EMPTY: Absentee owner For as long as neighbors can remember, the beige duplex at the corner of Northeast Fremont Street and 74th Avenue has been an eyesore. The yard is overgrown, the walls scrawled with graffiti and doors caved in by squatters.

“It has been empty and a nuisance since the late ’90s,” says Leigh Wheeler, who lives down the street and tipped off WW to the property.

For at least a decade, the city has been trying to do something about it—until recently, to little avail. Police were called to the area nearly 200 times, mostly on reports of disorder or crime.

Neighbors would complain to the city about overgrown grass and squatters in the backyard.

Every once in a while the city would send out an inspector, and then a crew to clean it up. Monthly invoices, more than 400 in total, have been mailed to the owner, 74-year-old Margaret Bogart. She never responded. (Nor did she respond to WW’s repeated voicemails.)

She does not appear to live there, although it’s her mailing address on file with the DMV. Notices of unpaid parking tickets have been returned, undelivered.

Someone, however, was paying the property taxes. That is, until 2019, when the city, in an attempt to recoup $80,000 in fees and penalties, announced it was foreclosing on the property. At a City Council meeting, Commissioner Amanda Fritz declared it, along with four other properties up for foreclosure, the “worst of the worst.”

A foreclosure auction was scheduled for 2020, but was postponed by the pandemic. Meanwhile, the city kept footing the bill to clean up the property. It paid contractors around $2,000 to pick up trash, clear weeds, and board up the doors in 2022, according to city records.

On Oct. 17, 2022, the property was finally put up for sale in the City Hall atrium. A man named Wesley Mahler made the minimum bid, $147,746, and won. (He may have been the only person to show up—no one bid on the other properties for sale.)

Bogart had one year to pay up and redeem the property, during which the city spent another $2,600 cleaning it up. She didn’t.

Now, it appears to be Mahler’s.

The barista at the cafe across the street says Mahler is a nice guy—he’s a regular. He owns the other two buildings across the street, she explained, and plans to redevelop the decrepit duplex.

But WW was unable to learn the details of those plans. Mahler, as well, didn’t respond to our calls. L U C A S M A N F I E L D .

Every week, WW examines one mysteriously vacant property in the city of Portland, explains why it’s empty, and considers what might arrive there next. Send addresses to newstips@ wweek.com.

Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

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NEWS AARON MESH

HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS: Karen Eichenberger and Eric Mikan decorate Eichenberger’s home at Kelly Butte Place.

Bidding War

City Commissioner Dan Ryan made a generous offer for a mobile home park. Now the deal is in jeopardy.

BY SOPHIE PEEL speel@wweek.com

One year ago, City Commissioner Dan Ryan promised a gift to the 11 families who live in a Southeast Portland mobile home park: The city would spend $3.5 million to purchase the land beneath their homes and save the residents from displacement.

That was welcome news to the residents of Kelly Butte Place, located along Southeast 112th Avenue. Four years ago, a developer and the property’s future owner had pulled permits to construct 26 single-family houses on the 1.5 acres on which the manufactured homes stand. The residents own their homes but not the land under them.

A city purchase would eliminate that threat, preserving what’s known as naturally affordable housing—that is, places to live that remain cheap because they’re so modest.

One problem. A real estate appraisal commissioned by the city this spring suggests Ryan offered 10

Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

to pay the landowner $2 million more than the property is worth.

That appraisal, never previously reported, has thrust the deal back into limbo—along with the residents of not just one mobile home park in Southeast Portland, but two.

City Commissioner Carmen Rubio now oversees the city’s housing strategy, and she’s refusing to pay $3.5 million for land appraised at $1.5 million without ensuring more protections for the second mobile home park involved in the deal.

“When using precious taxpayer-paid housing funds, it’s an ethical and moral imperative to get the most long-term affordability for residents that is within our power to do,” says Rubio’s chief of staff, Jillian Schoene. “It’s the city’s responsibility to make sure that we get this right, and that’s exactly what we are doing now.”

Ryan says his deal would have protected all 35 families at the two mobile home parks from los-

ing their homes. The fate of the two parks is linked because Ryan entered into a joint negotiation with two property owners who were seeking to redevelop them.

“I did the best I could and literally saved the property by working directly with the developer and appealing to his humanity,” Ryan tells WW, adding that he supports Rubio’s renegotiations. “Sometimes you do what is right—and it’s not about numbers on the page.”

Myrna Brown and her husband have lived at the second of those parks, Strawberry Acres, for 25 years—and learned two weeks ago that their home might be in jeopardy. She doesn’t care which city commissioner is in the right.

“I felt betrayed. We worked so hard to do what we’re supposed to do in the American world. You work, you buy a house, you raise a family, you work hard,” Brown says. “This is a crock of crap.”

Brown works in housekeeping

and her husband receives disability checks. Strawberry Acres lies in the working-class Powellhurst-Gilbert neighborhood, but the tall blackberry bushes that girdle the park make Brown feel safe.

She began to suspect something was amiss three weeks ago, when the owner of Strawberry Acres, Mark Perkins, began showing up at the park frequently to do small projects, like clean out the drains or promise to repaint the mailboxes.

“He had left me a message on the phone saying he needed to talk to me, saying it was urgent.

He said, ‘You’re going to hear some things, and my intent was never to sell Strawberry Acres,’” Brown recalls. “But then we keep digging a little bit more, and we were just kind of slammed with it, boom!”

Brown learned the fate of her mobile home was tied to years of negotiations among Perkins, the city of Portland and the owner of Kelly Butte Place.

In August 2018, Portland amended its code so that mobile home parks could not be rezoned for redevelopment without significant scrutiny.

The change aimed to protect naturally affordable housing from being razed for redevelopment.

But Strawberry Acres and Kelly Butte Place had just slipped under the wire. Adam Hoesly, a developer purchasing Kelly Butte Place from Perkins, had applied for permits to build single-family homes at both.

WW wrote about the residents of Kelly Butte and their uncertain future (“Move Your Home,” Feb. 17, 2021). Soon afterward, Commissioner Ryan sprang into action.

He began negotiating with Hoesly, who at that point had purchased Kelly Butte from Perkins for $3.3

longtime housing advocate, says Ryan’s letter of intent protected Strawberry Acres residents just fine because all they needed was for the construction permits to be canceled—that meant they could stay. At a tense town hall meeting hosted by Rubio’s office earlier this month to explain the situation to park residents, Black pointedly told city staff: “It was Rubio’s office that came back and said, ‘We want more conditions.’ We had everything we needed. We didn’t have to knock on these doors and terrify these folks.”

No matter: Rubio’s office withdrew Ryan’s tentative offer, which technically expired in March, and presented Hoesly and Perkins with three new options this fall.

The first offered Hoesly $1.6 mil-

“I did the best I could and literally saved the property by working directly with the developer and appealing to his humanity.” million, and with Perkins, who still owned Strawberry Acres, where Hoesly had also applied for development permits. Ryan’s aim: get Hoesly to withdraw permit applications so none of the residents had to leave.

As Ryan negotiated, nine residents of Kelly Butte sued the two property owners in Multnomah County Circuit Court. The parties agreed to settle last year, if the city agreed to provide the money for a nonprofit to purchase the property.

Finally, in November 2022, Ryan inked a letter of intent with Hoesly and Perkins. Price: $3.5 million for Kelly Butte, so long as the permit applications at both parks were canceled. The Portland City Council— including Rubio—had greenlighted applicable funding in the spring.

Two months later, though, Mayor Ted Wheeler would reshuffle the city’s bureaus, handing Housing to Rubio.

Rubio’s staff balked when they saw the terms Ryan had negotiated.

Their first objection: No one had conducted an independent appraisal of the land. So Rubio approved one this spring. Real estate company CBRE determined that the land, in its developable state, was worth $1.5 million—$2 million less than Ryan offered.

Their second problem: Other than revoking the permits for Strawberry Acres, Rubio believed Ryan had not negotiated strong enough affordability protections for the park—like limiting the income of future homeowners—so that it would remain available to low-income residents in the long term.

Not everyone is convinced Ryan cut a lousy deal. Margot Black, a

lion for Kelly Butte, but included no protections for Strawberry Acres.

The second offered Hoesly $2.6 million for Kelly Butte while canceling permit applications for Strawberry Acres.

The third choice, which Hoesly appears to prefer, offers $3.5 million for Kelly Butte Place so long as the permit applications for Strawberry Acres are withdrawn and the residents and Perkins agree to a 30-year income restriction that ensures only prospective homebuyers making less than 100% of the area’s median income can move in.

Black tells WW that the income restrictions Rubio’s office is seeking are at best irrelevant and at worst limit how much Strawberry Acres residents can sell their homes for in the future.

“The only thing it does is restrict the value of their asset,” Black says.

Jonathan Singer, an attorney representing both Hoesly and Perkins, says his clients hope a deal is “close at hand.” He also argues the CBRE appraisal is inherently faulty; “however well-intentioned, [it] didn’t identify any truly comparable properties—underscoring the unique value of the Kelly Butte property.”

Meanwhile, the lawsuit filed by Kelly Butte residents remains ongoing, pending the city’s final deal.

And for the fourth consecutive year, homeowners in two parks feel uncertain about their future.

“There cannot be any reason good enough to demolish and develop,” says Gerilynn Ellis, who lives in Strawberry Acres. “There’s not a single one of us that has an option.

Isn’t that awful?”

TICKETS: PDXJAZZ.ORG

From furniture to housewares; syrups to aged cheeses; jewelry to pizza; coffee to beer, wood has inspired scores of artisan makers in and around Portland. This is a celebration of them.

Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

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C H R I S T O P H E R VA L E N T I N E

THE BATTLE OF MEYER FARM It’s houses vs. trees on a 30-acre parcel in the heart of the Willamette Valley.

BY A N T H O N Y E F F I N G E R a e f f i n g e r @ w w e e k . c o m

An hour south of Portland,

a farm lies amid rolling meadows, shaded by guardian oaks. It doesn’t look like a battlefield, but it is, and it’s the first of many.

Oregon’s farms and fields are becoming combat zones in the expanding war between preservation and development.

For years, homebuilders were kept at bay by Oregon’s Senate Bill 100, passed in 1973 to keep the Willamette Valley from looking like Arizona’s Salt River Valley, where Phoenix and its suburbs sprawl.

Now, with Oregon facing a shortage of some 140,000 houses, and people sleeping on the streets, the tide is turning in favor 12

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of developers for the first time in 50 years with help, ironically, from a liberal governor.

“There has been a seismic shift in Oregon because of affordability,” says Mark Dane, a development planner who’s been working in the state for 33 years.

As speaker of the Oregon House of Representatives, Tina Kotek pushed through legislation in 2017 that made it easier for developers to slash red tape and get houses out of the ground

This story starts with Oregon white oak trees.

At one time, millions of such oaks spread across a Northwest savannah, dropping acorns that the Kalapuya people pounded into meal. But after centuries of development, 97% of the oaks in the Willamette Valley are gone, and conservationists are scrambling to save the ones that remain. There are whole groves of white oak on the Meyer Farm, and some of the giants there are centuries old.

After the Donation Land Claim Act of 1850, an Oregon Trail homesteader named Joseph Waldo grabbed the property and became a successful farmer and a pillar of Salem society, according to a history of the Meyer Farm commissioned by the family.

The property changed hands more thaºn once before ending up in the possession of Henry Meyer, a World War II veteran who came home to Oregon with a Purple Heart and bought the spread in 1947.

Henry Meyer was a renaissance man. He became an interior decorator to the Salem gentry, including Gov. Mark Hatfield. At the farm, he and his wife, Marian, grew hay and Christmas trees,

C H R I S T O P H E R VA L E N T I N E

by letting them claim exemptions from vague local housing codes. Kotek has continued that work as governor, declaring a homelessness state of emergency and pledging to build 36,000 houses a year, up from an anemic 20,000 during each of the past five.

That commitment has dimmed Kotek’s star power among environmentalists and made a progressive Democrat the unlikely ally of developers.

“The governor, to her credit, recognizes the obvious, which is that we’ve been underproducing housing for about a decade,” says Dave Hunnicutt, president of the Oregon Property Owners Association.

“The process is broken. We need more dirt.”

Critics say Kotek, in her haste, risks saddling Oregon with treeless subdivisions, slapped up with materials that won’t stand the test of time but remain stubbornly out of reach in price for the people who need them most.

“I’m all for getting housing built,” says Carrie Richter, a land use lawyer in Portland who served eight years on Portland’s Historic Landmarks Commission, the last two as chair. “I agree we are behind. But removing regulations and letting the market do it is not going to work. You’re going to end up with high-end, overstuffed McMansions that won’t move the needle in responding to affordable or midrange housing demand.”

One of the bloodiest battlefields in this widening war lies just 4 miles from the state Capitol in Salem. It’s a 30-acre parcel of prime farmland caught in a bitter family feud among wealthy heirs to a potato chip fortune and their in-laws.

Some family members—the richest ones, ironically—want a big payday and tract housing. Others long to preserve the land, the trees, and their memories.

The Battle of Meyer Farm is a sneak preview of the fights that can be expected in a state that touts livability—and now doesn’t have enough homes for all the people who have flocked here for just that.

“We have to break down the barriers that are keeping housing from being built,” Kotek said on her first day in office in January. “We have to have all kinds of housing at all levels of affordability.”

FROM ONE ACORN: All but 3% of the white oaks in Oregon have vanished.

“You’re going to end up with highend, overstuffed McMansions.”

raised horses and llamas, and brought up six children.

The Meyer Farm is exactly what Gov. Tom McCall and state Sen. Hector Macpherson Jr. (R-Corvallis) sought to protect when they passed Senate Bill 100 in 1973, creating Oregon’s unique system for land use planning. McCall and Macpherson feared that Oregon would end up like Southern California, where tract houses were leveling orange groves. Addressing the Legislature in 1973, McCall derided “sagebrush subdivisions, coastal condo-mania, and the ravenous rampages of suburbia.”

SB 100 required every city and county to prepare a land use plan in accordance with 10 land use goals (since expanded to 19), including preserving farmland, forests, and natural wonders and setting aside enough land for housing.

Even though the goals carry equal weight under the law, builders have long said that housing loses out to farms and forests, and that their opponents can thwart development by taking action at the local level, a right that is enshrined in the very first land use goal: “the opportunity for citizens to be involved in all phases of the planning process.”

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Fans of SB 100 say citizen involvement, though messy, is crucial.

“One of the things that makes Oregon Oregon is that we have land use planning around communities,” says Christine Lewis, a councilor at Metro, the Portland regional government. “Land use planning is community planning. In no other state would you see green acreage between Salem and Portland.”

Many of the Meyer kids made good. Tim Meyer

graduated from the University of San Francisco in 1964 with a philosophy degree, then picked up another one in international finance. He moved to New York, became a banker, fell in love with an Englishwoman, and decamped to London in 1980.

At home in Salem for a visit, Meyer sampled a potato chip that one of his nieces had purchased from a guy in a van at the University of Oregon. The snack dazzled him. He got in touch with Cameron Healy, the chip’s maker, and helped him turn his small company into a behemoth called Kettle Foods, in part by taking the product to snack-crazed England, where they opened a factory in 1989.

Healy and Meyer sold the company in 2006 for about $300 million, according to a Reuters report, becoming fabulously wealthy.

Even so, Meyer returned to the farm almost every summer, dragging his kids from posh West London, family members say, to learn the rhythms of rural life that he loved.

Meyer’s siblings did well, too. John graduated from Georgetown University and became an executive at ExxonMobil in Brazil. James established a successful architecture firm in Portland. Peter became news editor for Life magazine and an author of books, including The Yale Murder: The Compelling True Narrative of the Fatal Romance of Bonnie Garland and Richard Herrin, in which one Ivy Leaguer kills another with a hammer. Mary Ann Meyer Santana co-founded Portland’s Run for the Arts fundraiser in 1977.

Molly, the youngest of Henry’s children, lived on the farm and ran a garden shop out of a glass barn called, appropriately, the Glass Barn. For decades, she provided all the interior plants at Mahonia Hall, the governor’s mansion.

The family got along, mostly, until Tim Meyer, who’d been keeping the farm afloat with his chip riches, became terminally ill with prostate cancer. “Unfortunately, I am not available for further conversations on this issue,” Meyer wrote in one of his final emails.

“May the Force be with you resolving these issues and the future of the beautiful farm.”

Meyer died in April 2018 at 75, and the family spread his ashes at the farm. Then the real fight began.

Some of the family members wanted to sell. Among them was Jane Meyer, Tim’s London-based widow, who claims the trust owes her $2.3 million for loans her husband made to maintain the farm over the decades. Molly Meyer, meantime, sought $678,000 for “sweat equity” that she put into the farm and the Glass Barn.

Others, including Peter Meyer, the journalist, wanted to keep it in the family.

“My poor dead father and mother worked so hard to make this place the garden that it became,” Meyer, 74, said in a telephone interview from his home in Hudson, N.Y. “The fight has destroyed the family, but the farm is still a beautiful place. The bulldozers have not run over it, and the trees are still standing, and it can regenerate itself.”

Peter says Molly and Ian put the farm on the market in April 2018 without everyone’s consent. In August 2020, Portland developer Marty Kehoe came along and agreed to buy 24 acres for $3 million, leaving the farmhouse, 5 acres and a lot of oaks to the family.

Marty Kehoe has built all kinds of housing all

over Oregon. He’s built apartments in Portland and tract homes in Hillsboro. He’s bought and sold the Governor Hotel (now called Sentinel) and the Wapato Jail.

Like the Meyers, Kehoe, 62, has deep roots in Oregon. He’s a fifth-generation Portlander who, after getting a bachelor’s degree in management from George Fox University in Newberg, followed his father into the homebuilding business.

Oregon real estate has been good to Kehoe. He lives in five-bedroom house in Dunthorpe, Portland’s wealthiest enclave. He spends his free time skiing and chilling at his house in Gearhart, a favorite coastal haven for Portland gentry. He’s a player in politics, too, hanging around with Karl Rove and the Bush family.

And for Kehoe, the bill that Tina Kotek pushed through the Legislature in 2017 made the Meyer Farm tantalizing.

Back then, Kotek was House speaker and she used her power to shepherd a bill that made it easier for developers to get around regulations that frustrate groundbreaking. The bill, now a law, said that “a county may not deny an application for a housing development located within the urban growth boundary if the development 14

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M E Y E R F A M I LY C O U R T D O C U M E N T S

FAMILY REUNION: The extended Meyer clan gathered every summer at the farm in Salem, coming from as far away as New York and London.

M E Y E R F A M I LY C O U R T D O C U M E N T S

complies with clear and objective standards, including but not limited to clear and objective design standards contained in the county comprehensive plan or land use regulations.”

It also redefined the concept of “needed housing” as “all housing [types] on land zoned for residential use or mixed residential and commercial use that is determined to meet the need shown for housing within an urban growth boundary at [particular] price ranges and rent levels.”

The word “all” got added to Kotek’s House version, and that one small word opened up big opportunities for builders of tract homes, says Richter, the land use lawyer.

Before, developers of single-family subdivisions like Kehoe could get stuck in a thicket of regulations governing everything from the opacity of hedges to the steepness of berms. Now, they can claim exemptions from any rule that isn’t specified to the foot or inch, because big tract homes are “needed housing,” according to the state, and their production must be expedited.

During debate, affordable housing advocates said Kotek’s bill would do little to increase production of dense, affordable housing and would instead open the door to McMansions.

“House Bill 2007 claims to be an affordable housing supply bill, yet it weakens land use regulations statewide without a mandate that new construction be affordable,” housing advocate M.K. Hanson said in testimony on the bill.

Hanson might as well have been describing the Meyer Farm.

Over and over in his 117-page application, Kehoe claimed exemptions from city code to build large homes on 4,000-square-foot lots by quibbling with single words or phrases that he says are subjective.

Was there “safe and convenient” bike and pedestrian access to the subdivision? Kehoe said he didn’t have to answer because “safe and convenient” are “subjective, undefined terms that allow for discretion.” He made the same argument for ignoring dozens of rules about fences, walls, hedges and other subdivision features.

Kehoe became part of the Meyer melodrama a year or so after the farm’s trustees put it on the market.

The trustees were Molly Meyer, the Mahonia decorator, and Ian

GLORY DAYS: Henry and Marian Meyer in their 1965 Excalibur convertible.

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BRIAN BROSE

“We have to break down the barriers that are keeping housing from being built.”

C H R I S T O P H E R VA L E N T I N E

Meyer, Tim’s son and heir to a chunk of the potato chip fortune.

In August 2019, Peter Meyer filed suit in Marion County Circuit Court, alleging that Molly and Ian had abused their powers as trustees by agreeing to sell the farm to Kehoe.

“I never thought that this would be happening within my own family,” Meyer says. “All I did was call in a robbery in progress.

And the robbery is still going on.”

Ian Meyer didn’t return phone messages or email seeking comment.

Molly Meyer declined to comment.

Plenty of clans splinter when an older generation dies, leaving wealth and property to the heirs. It’s how wealthy families often go broke. The story of the Meyers is no different. The dispute has drained the trust of almost all assets but the farm, and it’s falling into disrepair because the judge has prohibited any family members from visiting, save for one inspection. A caretaker shoos away homeless people but does little else to maintain it.

What makes this asset different, however, is how strongly many people feel about the grove of oaks inside it.

After Kehoe submitted his plans in July 2021 to

“TREE HUGGER”: Geoff James peers through the brambles near the Meyer Farm.

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cut down hundreds of trees, including many Oregon white oaks, and build single-family homes, public comments poured into the city of Salem.

Among the leaders of the resistance is Geoff James, 82, a British-born architect who came to Salem in the 1970s to design buildings for Chemeketa Community College. These days, he’s the land use chair of the Morningside Neighborhood Association and a self-professed “tree hugger.”

“It’s a jewel in our neighborhood,” James says, walking through a city park one day that abuts the Meyer Farm.

Kehoe says he’s done everything by the book, and more, especially on trees.

“I am a fifth-generation Oregonian, and as an Oregonian, I think it’s safe to say that we all love trees,” Kehoe wrote in a letter to the Salem City Council in February 2022. “They are not only good for the environment, but in my profession, they also make a new subdivision look great. I always try to take down as few trees as possible and then replant as many as possible.”

So far, Kehoe and the pro-development faction of the Meyers have defeated every effort to deny him permits, but it’s taken time.

And the pro-farm Meyers and the neighbors aren’t giving up.

Filings in Salem indicate that Kehoe plans to sell some or all of the subdivision to Texas-based D.R. Horton, which stamps out houses like Hostess pumps out cupcakes. But he can’t do that without clear title to the property, and the title isn’t clear because some members of the Meyer family argue that the trust has no right to sell it.

The judge in the case plans to hold a hearing on that matter Dec. 6.

If Gov. Kotek has her way, many more developers

will get clearance to build on similar plots of land, with less red tape.

Shortly after becoming governor, Kotek formed the Soviet-sounding Housing Production Advisory Council. It’s scheduled to issue its draft plan for getting more houses out of the ground

next month, and that plan is expected to shape more pro-housing legislation from Kotek in the short legislative session in February.

Environmentalists aren’t folding their tents just yet. In July, a broad coalition attacked a Kotek-backed bill that would have streamlined zoning and permitting and opened a one-time window for expanding urban growth boundaries around Oregon cities. Kotek’s bill died. Parties on both sides expect the bill to return in 2024’s short session.

Environmentalists aren’t folding their tents just yet. In July, a broad coalition attacked a Kotek-backed bill that would have curbed local governments’ power to deny residential developers variances from land use codes inside urban growth boundaries.

Cities would have gotten a one-time window for expanding those boundaries, too. Kotek’s bill died. Parties on both sides expect the bill to return in 2024’s short session.

“The governor has been clear,” Kotek spokeswoman Elisabeth Shepard says. “We need more housing at all income levels, particularly homes that are affordable for low- and middle-income families, to address the state’s housing crisis. That’s why she’s prioritizing housing production in the upcoming legislative session. Builders need to be able to work within ‘clear and objective’ standards as established at the local level.”

Meanwhile, Kehoe says he never expected to be stuck in the planning stages three years after he agreed to buy the property. Since then, he has loaned the Meyer trust $500,000 to pay attorneys handling the family fight, and he’s likely out at least that much in legal fees of his own.

But, like the farm’s defenders, Kehoe is still all in. To avoid a property line fight, Kehoe agreed in October to stump up another $785,000 to buy all of the Meyer property, a court filing shows, including the farmhouse. Strangely, as part of the latest purchase, Kehoe would get everything owned by the trust, including Henry Meyer’s Purple Heart from World War II and lots of other family heirlooms.

“It’s unfortunate that sometimes these things drag out, but we aren’t required to close until all the appeals are finalized,” Kehoe says.

In short, Kehoe has time. That’s what Peter Meyer wants, for his family and the oaks. So far, so good, but Kehoe—and Kotek— remain keen to build.

SUBDIVIDED: A plat map laid over an aerial photo of the Meyer Farm shows where the developer wants houses and streets.

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THADDEUS HINK

GET BUSY NOV. 29-DEC. 5

STUFF TO DO IN PORTLAND THIS WEEK, INDOORS AND OUT.

SPILLING THE TEA: British comedians James and Jamesy are back in the Pacific Northwest following 2021’s successful run of O Christmas Tea. WATCH: Fourth Annual Fungi Film Fest In Portland, there really is a film festival for every subject. Fungus happens to be the focus of this one, which features 20 works that highlight the wonderfully weird world of mushrooms, molds and yeast.

The films range in length from two to 14 minutes and represent a variety of genres (documentary, narrative, experimental, animated). Topics range from the use of psychoactive mushrooms in Native American healing practices to the symbiotic relationship between trees and fungi to a stop-motion short about “humanized rats” that take shrooms. Since the only requirement for inclusion in the fest is that fungus is featured in some form or fashion, the screening is sure to be as strange as the microorganisms themselves. Cinema 21, 616 NW 21st Ave., 503-223-4515, cinema21. com/movie/2023-fungi-film-fest. 7 pm Thursday and 3 pm Sunday, Nov. 30 and Dec. 3. $15 on Thursday, $13 on Sunday.

SEE: Providence Festival of Trees If you’re the type of person who puts up a Christmas tree the day after Halloween (yes, we’re judging you), this event is for you. The Providence Festival of Trees, now in its 40th year, features dozens of elaborately decorated firs. New in 2023 is the Festival for All Public Show on Dec. 1, which includes a scavenger hunt where kids can earn elf ears, a Teddy Bear Hospital intended to reduce the scare factor of a medical setting, and photos with Santa.

Proceeds go to Providence Children’s Health and the care it provides to more than 20,000 children with special needs annually. Oregon Convention Center, 777 NE Martin Luther King Jr. Blvd., 503-2030788, foundation.providence.org/oregon/ portland/events/festival-of-trees. 9 am-1 pm Friday, Dec. 1. $10.

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LAUGH: The Siren Theater’s Best Christmas Ever!

Consider this show an ugly Christmas sweater come to life in the best way possible. The Siren Theater’s holiday grab bag this year pays tribute to television’s golden age of variety programs like The Dean Martin Show, The Sonny & Cher Show and Donny & Marie. Expect everything from sketches to singing to prizes—a celebration of pure holiday cheer that’s definitely more Uncle Eddie than Todd and Margo when it comes to embracing the Christmas spirit. The Siren Theater, 3913 N Mississippi Ave., sirentheater.com. 8 pm Friday-Saturday, Dec. 1, 8-9 and 16. $20 in advance, $25 at the door.

WATCH: It’s a Wonderful Life Revisit this iconic holiday tale that taught us that the wealthiest man in town is also always going to be the meanest, people really can band together to make a difference, and that ringing bells have a secret meaning. The musical adaptation of Frank Capra’s classic film, with book and lyrics by Janet Mouser and music and lyrics by Michael Allen Harrison, Alan Berg, and Julianne R. Johnson-Weiss, is sure to tug on the heartstrings—George Bailey is, after all, the everyman hero we need during this time of year to remind us what really matters. Dolores Winningstad Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 800-915-4698, stumptownstages.org. 7:30 pm Thursday-Saturday and 2 pm Sunday, Dec. 1–23. $31.75-$60.75.

DRINK: Portland Holiday Brew Fest The Holiday Ale Festival was canceled for a fourth straight year, but beer lovers can still drink under the boughs of the giant Christmas tree in Pioneer Courthouse Square. Northwest independent event promoter True West, which last year introduced a summer concert series to

Portland’s Living Room and an Oktoberfest in late September, is hosting this new event with a very similar name. Of course, we can’t yet fully speak to its quality—it’s hard to beat the venue, but a glimpse at the online tap list reveals that these beers don’t appear to be one-offs made specifically for the occurrence (unlike HAF). And, in a bizarre move, organizers are asking people to bring their own glassware—sure, it sounds environmentally friendly, but also seems to indicate they didn’t want to spring for commemorative mugs. Pioneer Courthouse Square, 701 SW 6th Ave., pdxholidaybrewfest.com. 11 am-9 pm Saturday and 10 am-5 pm Sunday, Dec. 2-3. $30 for four drink tickets in advance, $35 day of event; $10 entry only in advance, $15 day of event.

WATCH: Taiko and Light Experience music in a whole new way via this inventive concert, which features new Japanese taiko drum compositions with accompanying American Sign Language translations and analog haptics—instruments that create vibrations for the deaf and hard of hearing. Following each performance is a panel discussion about the process of putting together the production with director Myles de Bastion and members of performance group enTaiko.

The Judy Kafoury Center for Youth Arts, 1000 SW Broadway, T-100, 503-222-2190, nwcts.org/the-judy. 1 and 4 pm Saturday, 2 pm Sunday, Dec. 2-3. $24 for adults, $17 for children.

DRINK: Meet Krampus at Gigantic Once you’re old enough to be over the tradition of sitting on an old man’s lap to beg for toys, it’s much more fun to hang with those on the Naughty side of the list like Krampus. Santa’s evil horned counterpart will be out and about ruining the holiday for plenty of misbehaving kids, but

not yours! This week, Gigantic Brewing hosts the menacing creature at two of its taprooms, where you can get your photo taken with him and then enjoy a pint of Firebird Smoked Hefeweizen made with German malt kilned over beechwood. It’s the kind of beer you’d expect to share with Krampus right before he whips you with birch branches. Gigantic Brewing Taproom and Champagne Lounge, 5224 SE 26th Ave., 503-208-3416, giganticbrewing.com.

4-9 pm Friday, Dec. 1. 21+. Gigantic Brewing Hawthorne Pub, 4343 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-889-0190. 1-6 pm Saturday, Dec. 2. $20 includes a professional photograph with Krampus, a pint of beer and a $3 donation to p:ear mentor.

LAUGH: O Christmas Tea: A British Comedy For all of you who endured poor reception of PBS in order to watch comedy from across the pond like Monty Python and Mr. Bean, this show should be right up your alley. British comedians James and Jamesy (Aaron Malkin and Alastair Knowles) are back in the Pacific Northwest following 2021’s successful run of this Christmas show. Cheeky banter, pratfalls and the discussion of tea are 100% guaranteed.

Newmark Theatre, 1111 SW Broadway, 503-248-4335, ochristmastea.com. 3 and 7:30 pm Sunday, Dec. 3. Patricia Reser Center for the Arts, 12625 SW Crescent St., Beaverton, 971-501-7722. 7:30 pm Friday, Dec. 8. $35-$69.

SEE MORE GET BUSY EVENTS AT WWEEK.COM/CALENDAR

GILBERT TERRAZAS

Look for our free magazine, all over Portland next week!

Winterlude

The second edition of Oregon Winter, Willamette Week’s directory to the fun to be had from December to March, hits stands this week.

BY A N D I P R E W I T T a p r e w i t t @ w w e e k . c o m

I’d been at Goose Hollow Inn for five minutes of the snowstorm, and inquiries about renting a room for the night were pouring in.

No, fellow drinkers at the pub weren’t slurring requests to the barkeep for a darkened corner to sleep it off. Instead, stranded motorists were calling and pleading for boarding, clearly thinking the term “inn” meant “bed and breakfast,” not “bar.”

If you were in Portland that day—Dec. 14, 2016—you surely remember the blizzard that blew through, dumping as much as 3 inches of snow in some areas. When it became clear by late afternoon that this was going to be more than a flurry, everyone hit the road at the same time, creating a citywide traffic jam: Skidded-out cars and pileups clogged major highways, trapping drivers. After idling for hours, some simply ditched their rides and walked.

Watching the crippling event unfold from the comfort of a barstool at Goose Hollow Inn, I felt like I had been placed in a snow globe, as the world around me came to a standstill except for the frenzy of flakes in the sky (and the bar’s ringing phone).

What’s always stuck with me since then is that our coldest season is also the most erratic. Sometimes we’re walloped by a weather system that buries us in snow and shuts down the city; occasionally, we’ll get so much rain the rivers burst their banks;

and then there are windstorms so powerful they’ll topple an entire forest’s worth of trees and have folks talking about the event for decades to come.

I’ve learned that the best way to ride out this period of uncertainty is actually pretty simple: Be prepared.

So, consider Oregon Winter, Willamette Week’s second annual directory to the fun to be had from December to March, your room at the inn. In this preparedness guide, we’ve listed a wide range of activities suitable for whatever conditions Mother Nature throws at us. You can find it next week in more than 650 locations—newsstands, bars, restaurants, hotels, grocers and convenience stores—across the Portland metro area. Look for it to be added to our website in the coming weeks.

For those who eagerly embrace the Scandinavian maxim “there is no bad weather, only bad clothing,” we’ve rounded up the best slopes for sledding, both in Portland and on Mount Hood.

Looking for a weekend getaway that is a remote hiking hub yet only steps from a pub? There’s a little cabin in the woods, on the Washington side of the Columbia River Gorge, where you’ll find two trails that reward with views of stunning waterfalls—as well as Backwoods Brewing, where you can fill up on beer and smoked meats post-journey.

When the numbness in your fingers tells you it’s time to come in

(or, if you try to avoid the outdoors altogether), these pages have plenty of suggestions on how to warm up inside. We spent weeks working our way through the city’s soaking pools and hot tubs, sampling what seemed an Ulta Beauty’s supply of body scrubs and bath salts (yes, we’re still smooth and lustrous). You’ll find detailed descriptions of 11 experiences.

We also discovered that wine country is working wonders with whiskey. Yamhill County, just an hour southwest of Portland, now boasts six distilleries—so we provided a Whiskey Trail report to help you plan your trip. Cannabis consumers should turn to our summary of the best indoor recreational venues to navigate while high. And during those particularly dreary days, escape the soggy Pacific Northwest by dining at one of our recommended restaurants that will whisk you away to the beaches of Hawaii, Mexico and Thailand when a plane ticket isn’t in the cards.

No matter where your explorations take you this season, we hope Oregon Winter helps inspire at least a few itineraries.

Just remember the next time the forecast calls for a chance of valley-floor snow, it’s probably best to leave the car in park (we’re Oregonians, after all, and don’t know how to drive in that slop).

And, if you do find yourself helpless in the elements, Goose Hollow Inn has a beer with your name on it.

Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

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Magic •• • • • • Tavern • • •

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FOOD & DRINK

Editor: Andi Prewitt Contact: aprewitt@wweek.com

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• • • • •• 2460 nw • 7am @magic • tavern • ave mon -sat portland • 24th • Friendly•girls 4 p m s u n casual•scene • •

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969 SW Broadway • 503-223-4976 Mon-Sat 10 - 5, Sun 12 - 5 www.johnhelmer.com

Wool Felt Tino $125

Made in USA by Bailey Packable, Water Repellent Colors: Black, Brown, Grey, Navy, Port, Red Sizes: S—2XL

969 SW Broadway • 503-223-4976 Mon-Sat 10 - 5, Sun 12 - 5 www.johnhelmer.com 20

Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

ANCESTRY: Diego Palacios started making machetes for his children using recipes taught to him by his mother and grandparents.

Knives Out Machetes PDX, a pop-up specializing in colossal quesadillas of the same name, serves some of the most exciting food in the city right now.

BY T H O M H I LTO N P H OTO S BY MICHAEL RAINES

It’s machete season in Portland.

No, that’s not a reference to Danny Trejo, or Jason Voorhees’ weapon of choice, but to the new pop-up Machetes PDX, which has been selling out of its Mexican street food all over town since July.

Started by husband-and-wife team Diego and McKenna Palacios, the business gets its name from long, folded quesadillas shaped like a blade. And when I say long, I mean long. Every one of the pop-up’s ma-

chetes comes draped across two paper plates, which barely contain their length.

McKenna works white heirloom corn masa into psychedelic marbly swirls with pink hibiscus and green cilantro dye before flattening the tortillas in a big blue press and rolling them into their signature, unruly shape—a method she’s honed over the past several months. Then, she hands them over to Diego, who fills the thin, delicate pockets with queso Oaxaca and various guisados until crispy on the outside and gooey in the center.

The dish has steadily become one of the city’s most exciting new snack options, and demand is growing. At recent Machetes events, lines at least 15 customers long formed at opening and remained steady until the supply sold out hours later. The street food, believed to have originated in Mexico City, is available at only a few other restaurants in Portland, so it’s no surprise that people are turning out for what’s considered unusual fare in these parts.

The Palacios’ experience also lends some clout to the operation: Diego hails from OK Omens and McKenna from Gado Gado, restaurants that sit at Portland’s intersection of cheffy and playful. As such, their pop-ups have the efficiency of a kitchen run by industry vets plus an anything-goes quality that never makes things feel too serious.

Diego and McKenna are incredibly charismatic showpeople in addition to great cooks: It’s all big smiles and tattooed arms behind a table covered with actual machetes (like, the weapons) and patterned ceramics. The couple has two young sons, which makes one think about how quesadillas, that ubiquitous kids’ menu item, never really seem to have gotten their much-deserved glow-up. Just like fried chicken, soft serve, and any number of other treats that we’ve seen “elevated” by local chefs, the quesadilla is a nostalgia-triggering canvas ready to be injected with bold, exciting life.

Diego originally started making machetes for his children using recipes taught to him by his mother and grandparents. “All these recipes I learned growing up [in Mexico City] I was unable

Top 5

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WHERE TO EAT THIS WEEK.

1. AN XUYÊN BAKERY

1. L’CHAIM BY LEIKAM BREWING

2. SIBEIHO MAMAK DELI AT THE MINNOW

2. AVIATION AMERICAN GIN

3. FERMENT BREWING

3. HEATHMAN HOTEL HOLIDAY TEA

5345 SE Foster Road, 503-788-0866, mng890.wixsite.com/an-xuyen-bakery. 7 am-6 pm Tuesday-Saturday, 7 am-3 pm Sunday.

For nearly 25 years, An Xuyên Bakery has sat unassumingly on Foster Road. The self-proclaimed “Authentic Artisan Pan Asian Pacific Bakery and Deli” serves an array of sweet and savory goods for almost absurdly affordable prices. Upon walking in, you better make up your mind fast, since a line will form behind you almost immediately. Start with a lunch item like a jalapeño-filled bánh mi prepared on the same crusty yet fluffy baguettes that the bakery supplies to numerous restaurants around town. Once your main course is checked off, end with dessert—we recommend a meticulously decorated red velvet cupcake.

BLADE RUNNER: Long machetes can comfortably accommodate up to four fillings.

to find here. I’m trying to replicate those flavors away from home and share them with the community, embrace my culture, and make an effort to preserve my roots.”

All of Machetes’ guisados lean sweet and smoky, with additional heat coming from two scratch salsas: a salsa verde made with roasted tomatillos and a slightly bitter orange sauce of sesame and árbol. These flavors, commonly used in Mexico City street food, come across as vibrant and new in Portland’s current landscape.

The machetes’ size make them great for sharing, or for going on

The vegetarian options are strong, too, like roasted poblano peppers in crema, which tastes like bougie queso dip. Specialty ingredients also get their time to shine, like locally foraged mushrooms in October and squash blossoms in July, as well as huitlacoche, the Mexican corn fungus vital to Aztec cuisine. It’s integrated into the machete with sweet corn and mushrooms to help bolster its flavor, resulting in a vegetarian dish that’s earthy, surprisingly meaty, and (important for a newbie like myself ) unintimidating.

For many Portlanders, the use

“All these recipes I learned growing up [in Mexico City] I was unable to find here. I’m trying to replicate those flavors.” a solo tour of the fillings since you can request up to four. People will undoubtedly be split on their favorite part of the blade: Are you a Middle Person, aiming for tender masa and gooey cheese pulls, or, like me, are you an End Boy—all about those lacy, flaky edges and bits of meat and veggies poking out?

Recent fillings have included tender sliced skirt steak braised in morita and ancho peppers as well as chipotle-braised chicken with sweet onions, adapted from Diego’s mother’s recipe. “It brought tears to my eyes when I got it as good as my mom’s,” he notes. The menu’s highlight, however, is the salty and unctuous chicharron: shredded confit pork in guajillo sauce that’s been pressed and cooked in its own fat.

of huitlacoche will be a novelty, but for the Palacios, it means more. They’re importing it directly from Mexico, an expense they’re taking on to honor the ingredient and make it more accessible here.

“It’s traditional and has been consumed for generations, centuries, by the ancestors of Mexico City from the pre-Hispanic era,” Diego says. He adds that they use nopales (grilled cactus paddles) for the same reason. “They’re very attached to our roots. It comes from generations of trying to preserve our culture, you know? Just like pressing the tortillas. These are ancestral procedures.”

EAT: Machetes PDX, instagram.

WHERE TO DRINK THIS WEEK.

740 NW 23rd Ave., 503-406-8438, sibeiho.com, theminnowpdx.com. 11 am-5:30 pm Wednesday-Sunday.

Supper club-turned-sambal sauce-maker Sibeiho and food delivery business The Minnow teamed up in August to launch this outlet, which features pantry items, including jars of that chile paste, as well as meal kits. More recently, the deli began offering ready-to-eat and -drink items like coffee made from Portland Cà Phê beans, malted chocolate topped with whipped cream and sprinkles, and snacks that will satisfy fans of both sweet and savory foods. The former should order buns smeared with coconut milk jam, while the Spam-and-mayo-stuffed version was made specifically for salt lovers.

403 Portway Ave., Hood River, 541-436-3499, fermentbrewing.com. 11 am-9 pm Monday-Friday, 10 am-9 pm Saturday-Sunday.

The yurts are up at Ferment, which means we’re officially headed into winter. The heated huts that debuted on the brewery’s second-floor patio during the pandemic proved to be so popular, they’re making their return. And that’s not the only seasonal change; there are a slew of new hearty menu items that should fortify you from the cold like sweetand-spicy popcorn chicken, miso-maple Brussels sprouts, artichoke dip and stout brownies. On top of that, Ferment has introduced brunch from 10 am to noon on Saturday and Sunday. Starting your weekend with biscuits and bacon gravy alongside a barleywine? That’s a pro move.

4. MAGNA KUBO

12406 SW Broadway, Beaverton, 971-268-5990, magnakubo.com. Noon-9 pm (or until sold out) Thursday-Sunday.

Magna Kubo, the Beaverton spinoff of much-acclaimed Portland restaurant Magna Kusina, also serves food from the Philippines, but emphasizes the simpler, more casual approach of a lechonería, with roasted meat and accompaniments as the focus. The closest item on the menu to traditional lechon (strictly speaking, spit-roasted suckling pig) is liempo or crispy pork. It is a pound of pure porcine pleasure: tender pale meat interspersed with layers of delectable, jiggly fat and a crunchy, golden-skin crust. For a leaner red meat treat, try the bistek, beef shoulder marinated in a bath of soy sauce and cola flavored with star anise and garlic.

Need some veg with all that protein? We were enchanted with laing, coconut milk-braised greens and onion pepped up with fried shallots and chiles.

5. MONTELUPO ITALIAN MARKET–EASTSIDE

1613 SE Bybee Blvd., 503-719-5650, montelupo.co/ sellwood. 11 am-7 pm daily.

Forget pumpkin spice. We’re all about cacio e pepe season. Sure, you could eat the simple yet stunning dish any time of year, but something about it says “peak fall.” And now Sellwood-Moreland residents have another source for adult mac and cheese: Montelupo, which boldly opened in Northeast Portland the summer of 2020, has spun off an eastside location. The intimate space offers take-home pasta that’s handmade daily as well as sauces, sandwiches and half-a-dozen focaccias—with toppings like Italian sausage, potato and guanciale, and goat cheese, you might just make a meal out of the bread and call it a night.

5812 E Burnside St., 503-477-4743, leikambeer.com/ latkesandlagers. 4-10 pm Monday-Thursday, 3-10 pm Friday-Sunday, Dec. 1-15.

Christmas pop-up bars are pretty commonplace now—there are nearly half a dozen this year in Portland at last count. But what about our Hanukkah-celebrating friends? Thankfully, Leikam Brewing— the city’s first and only kosher beer producer—has stepped up to offer a Festival of Lights experience named after a classic Jewish toast (to life) from Dec. 1 through 15. Expect a variety of events—from a Hanukkah-themed comedy night to live music by Congregation Beth Israel to a dance party. What to drink? The delightfully named Ain’t No Challahback Girl Ale or one of the eight themed cocktails. L’chaim, indeed!

2075 NW Wilson St., 503-946-1539, aviationgin.com.

Noon-7 pm Thursday-Sunday.

Aviation American Gin’s shiny, sprawling production facility and tasting room has been open for just over a year now, and it offers a distillery experience unlike any other in the city. The nearly 33,000-square-foot building has six cocktails on tap, a gift shop, beautiful copper stills, and an escape room with a Ryan Reynolds theme (the Deadpool star acquired a stake in the company, in case you hadn’t heard by now). You’ve already had Thanksgiving dinner, but you can drink it again here—Aviation has rolled out five holiday feast-themed cocktails, from a pumpkin pie martini to a stuffing Negroni. We’re most excited to try the turkey and gravy martini made with chicken stock and Tabasco just to see if it works.

1001 SW Broadway, 503-241-4100, heathmanhotel. com/event/holiday-tea. 11 am-3 pm Friday-Sunday, through Dec. 31. $65 for adults, $25 for children 3-12.

Holiday Tea was long one of the Heathman Hotel’s most popular traditions that was suspended, just like pretty much everything else, once COVID hit. Now, for the first time since 2019, you can indulge in tiny cakes and sandwiches served on tiered silver platters as well as hot herbal beverages poured from beautiful porcelain pots at the iconic downtown business. Service began the day after Thanksgiving in the handsome library and mezzanine, where you’ll have six Smith Teamaker varieties to choose from, including three holiday-themed flavors: Ho-Ho-Hoji-Chai, Silent Night and Chocolate Peppermint Pu-erh. You can also get your tea in a mixed drink: The G&Tea is a gin and tonic with Lord Bergamot.

4. OLD ASIA TEAHOUSE & RESTAURANT

12055 SW 1st St., Beaverton, 971-249-3763, oldasia.co.

4-9 pm Thursday-Friday, noon-9 pm Saturday-Sunday.

Top Burmese, the miniature empire known for its curries and cute robot servers, has opened a new property—the first not bearing its name. In late October, the company launched Old Asia, dubbed “The Biggest Little Restaurant” because the dining area is about as big as a generously sized walk-in closet—though one that is ornately decorated. Shelves behind the counter are filled with jars containing tea leaves (green, black, oolong and pu-erh), but if it’s booze you’re after, we recommend the Koji Afternoon Coffee, which has deeper, more satisfying flavors than an espresso martini thanks to the combination of Vietnamese milk coffee and Jameson whiskey.

Though if you’ve already had your daily allowance of caffeine, opt for First Love: an effervescent blend of passion fruit, ginger beer and rose vodka.

5. GIGANTIC BREWING HAWTHORNE PORTRAIT ROOM

4343 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-889-0190, giganticbrewing.com. 3-9 pm Monday-Friday, noon-9 pm Saturday-Sunday.

Nearly one year after opening its third location—the first one with a full food menu—Gigantic has finished the pub’s intimate Portrait Room (though those portraits are still in the works). The clubby space, which is now open to the public, is lined with inviting ruby-hued banquettes and rare English brown oak paneling as well as tchotchkes that founders Ben Love and Van Havig mined from estate sales. Moodier and cozier than the bright blue and white restaurant, the venue is pretty much the perfect place to hunker down with a beer when the rain is coming down in sheets this fall. We recommend the very drinkable Pay Czech dark lager.

com/machetes.pdx. Follow the business’s Instagram account for pop-up locations and hours.

Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

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Editor: Bennett Campbell Ferguson | Contact: bennett@wweek.com

COURTESY OF EZEKIELRUDICK

C O U R T E S Y O F H O L LY A N D R E S

SHOW REVIEW CULTURE & MUSIC

A ROYAL AFFAIR: Poison Waters and Buster Open.

Goodgrief at Holocene

For Queens, by Queens In their latest podcast, Eden Dawn and Fiona McCann reveal the drama behind the scenes at Portland’s record-breaking Drag-a-Thon.

BY ROBERT HAM

BY SHANNON DAEHNKE

Going to as many shows as I do throughout any given year, I inevitably come across an act that scratches a very particular itch—often an itch I didn’t even know I had. Such was the case when Seattle quartet goodgrief hit the stage at Holocene this past Sunday.

Whether it be Eden Dawn and Fiona McCann’s affinity for all things fabulous (just ask Dawn’s childhood pet goat, the “elegant” Lipstick), the 35 years of journalistic experience shared between the two award-winning Portland Monthly alumnae, or simply the duo’s innate love for drag—their new podcast, Slaying a Drag-a-Thon, is…for lack of a more fitting word…a slay.

Now, let’s get one thing straight. Dawn and McCann are queens. But the incredibly stylish, cheetah-print-loving (Dawn), charming-accent-having (McCann), often-red-lipstick-wearing pair are not, in fact, drag queens. (Although, Dawn’s drag name, Eden P*ssy—given to her by her good friends, the legendary Poison Waters and Wildfang CEO Emma Mcilroy onstage at Drag-a-Thon—begs to differ; but we’ll get to that later.)

In fact, neither Dawn nor McCann nor Mcilroy had ever even hosted a drag show before, but then Mcilroy pitched the idea to Dawn: attempt to produce the world’s longest drag show to raise money for the drag, queer and trans communities impacted by the wave of drag bans and anti-LGBTQ+ laws across the country. The answer was an immediate “yes.”

“The bans are filled with so much hate,” Mcilroy said to Dawn in a phone call recorded on the first episode of the podcast. “So, my thought is…what if we met that hate with joy?”

And after months of meticulous planning, constant problem solving, scheduling performers, rescheduling performers, queens’ flights getting canceled and, eventually, staying up for 27-plus hours with minimal access to caffeine (criminal)...that’s exactly what Dawn and Mcilroy did.

On July 10-12, Drag-a-Thon at Darcelle XV Showplace successfully set a Guinness World Record for the longest drag show ever—ringing in at exactly 48 hours, 11 minutes and 30 seconds.

More than 60 performers—from RuPaul’s

I knew nothing about this group heading into the evening, other than they were appearing at the behest of headliners Starover Blue (that band’s leader, Kendal Sallay, records with goodgrief frontman Ezekiel Rudick under the name The Slow Sound) and that they were celebrating the vinyl release of their debut LP, love birds. Unfortunately, manufacturing delays meant there were no physical copies of the LP on hand, but I can only imagine that they landed a healthy number of pre-orders from Portland after their heated Holocene performance. (Guilty as charged.)

Goodgrief draws easy comparisons to fellow Northwesterners like Pedro the Lion and Dharma Bums through their impassioned, roots rock-leaning melodies.

But what takes them a few steps ahead of the curve is Rudick’s thoughtful use of overdriven guitar noise and tones. The intent is not so much to bowl people over with volume. Instead, it felt as though the only way Rudick could communicate his constantly roiling emotional and mental state was by playing and singing with as much intensity as possible. He knows he’s shouting. He likes to shout.

From the goodwill that goodgrief received from the audience—a healthy crowd of around 125 that included Maria Maita-Keppeler of MAITA fame, hugging the walls of Holocene’s main room—all anyone could do was to respond to each song in kind, offering up their own impassioned howls and flashes of knee-shaking joy.

22

Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

Drag Race alums like Peppermint, Eureka O’Hara and LaLa Ri to celebs like Frankie Grande, Fred Armisen and Punkie Johnson—made an appearance, ultimately raising $309,000 for the Trevor Project, a nonprofit that works to prevent suicide among LGBTQ+ youth.

Now, you may be thinking: WW, you’ve spoiled the podcast for us by revealing that Drag-a-Thon did, in fact, achieve World Record status…isn’t that the entire point of Slaying a Drag-a-Thon?

No. The real story—at least the one that involves Fred Armisen declaring his love for Poison Waters, coming-out stories, several backstage panic attacks, drag names like Joaquin P****, a very judgy Mr. Guinness, and SO much more—is how they got there.

However, in an attempt not to spoil too much, I will summarize the true, chaotic story that is Slaying a Drag-a-Thon using takeaways I’ve learned from talking to Dawn and McCann, and from listening to the pod myself.

Here’s how to slay a Drag-a-Thon: 1. Have a somewhat dramatic drag origin story.

Sure, having a goat named Lipstick, a horse named Cher, an apple orchard to sashay around in, and a RuPaul awakening is helpful… but not entirely necessary. If it’s too late for you to follow in Dawn’s footsteps, perhaps you can try bartending at a bar drag queens tend to frequent in Dublin, like McCann.

2. Befriend several drag queens who will both inspire and assist you in your quest… years ahead of time, if at all possible.

3. Adhere to the (very strict and specific) Guinness World Record rules.

“No queen could perform over 10 minutes, or under two minutes…or we’d lose. No emcee could be over five minutes. We couldn’t have two emcee slots back to back. We had to have 25 audience members sitting at all times,”

Dawn says. “There were no risks you could take with it,” McCann adds.

4. Book a hotel room across the street so you can run back and forth for (all-toobrief ) naps between sets.

5. Make a podcast about the whole experience. (Extensive journalism and podcast experience is a plus.)

Thanks to the sheer storytelling prowess of its hosts, Slaying a Drag-a-Thon does not leave you hanging. Any question you could possibly have is immediately answered the moment it pops into your head. Every news reference cited, every character explained, every quote unpacked, every Guinness World Record rule dissected.

It also helped that Dawn and McCann recorded not only every moment of the event, but the strategizing leading up to, and during, the show.

“There was some pre-planning for sure, and then an awful lot of listening afterwards to so many hours of material,” McCann says.

“A lot of which was like Eden wearing her little lavalier [mic] as she ran around onstage with no dialogue.”

“You never know when you’re gonna be getting something exciting, right? You just record everything,” Dawn adds.

6. Do it for Darcelle.

“Not that long before we were going up, [Poison and Eden] were just like, ‘We’re gonna do it. We’re gonna get this certificate back,’” Dawn says. “Because when Darcelle passed, her Guinness certificate [for world’s oldest drag performer] went to somebody else—so the club didn’t have a world record anymore.

And we knew we were about to do it. It very much felt like she was there.”

LISTEN: Every episode of Slaying a Drag-a-Thon streams at wecantprintthis.com/dragathon.

SHOWS OF THE WEEK

BY DA N I E L B R O M F I E L D @ b r o m f 3

COURTESY OF BRUJERIA

C O U R T E S Y O F E A S T S I D E G U I TA R R E PA I R

W H AT TO S E E A N D W H AT TO H E A R

SATURDAY, DEC. 2:

String Theory

COURTESY OF JENNY LEWIS

Spanish-language metal band Brujeria initially performed anonymously, claiming to be a cadre of satanic drug lords and confounding fans with their refusal to perform live. Nearly 35 years into their careers, Brujeria is now a touring juggernaut featuring a rotating cast of extreme-metal veterans (albeit using pseudonyms like “El Criminal” and “La Bruja Encabronada”).

Even in this relatively demystified form, Brujeria’s music is as much a testament to the creative possibilities of playing the villain as anything in metal. Bossanova Ballroom, 722 E Burnside St. 6:30 pm. $27.50. All ages.

Since the disbanding of Rilo Kiley—whose “Portions for Foxes” had a long run as the most popular song at PDX alt-karaoke spot Baby Ketten Klub—Jenny Lewis has enjoyed a luminous solo career as a cult-favorite, fiercely beloved singer-songwriter-performer in a ’70s country-rock vein. Her new album, Joy’All, leans even further into her love of expansive cosmic Americana. Opening the show, interestingly, is the outré Seattle jazz-rap project Shabazz Palaces, led by Ishmael Butler from Digable Planets. Roseland Theater, 8 NW 6th Ave. 6:30 pm. $35. All ages.

Fifteen years after opening, Eastside Guitar Repair has become beloved by the likes of Stephen Malkmus and Johnny Marr.

The bustle of Hank’s Music Exchange, the instrument dealer that takes up the front half of the business on 33rd and Hawthorne, is fairly typical. While Stereolab plays over the in-house sound system, one customer shows off his facility for Beatles guitar lines while others eye vintage synthesizers and PA equipment.

Somehow, none of the noise fazes Ryan Lynn, the owner and operator of Eastside Guitar Repair, the all-inclusive shop located in the back of the building. On this particular rainy Thursday, the bearded and affable luthier was too busy giving his full attention to gently removing the frets and sanding down the neck of a beautiful Epiphone acoustic guitar from the ’70s to notice anything else.

“It can be a cacophony in there,” Lynn admits, speaking to WW a few days later. “One of my clients brought in a high-value Les Paul to make a new bone nut for it,” referring to the piece at the top of a guitar neck that helps hold the strings in place. “He was shocked at how distracting and loud the shop was. So he was skeptical of my work when he brought it in. I ran into him the other night and he was like, ‘I’ve never seen anybody make a nut like that. I tried to make one like yours and I failed.’”

Endorsements like that are part of what has kept Eastside Guitar Repair in business for the past 15 years and made Lynn and his team the go-to technicians for an ever-growing number of clients, including some well-known axe-slingers. On the day I visited the shop, a batch of guitars, all used by Stephen Malkmus during the recent Pavement reunion shows, awaited service. And during our interview, I learned that when Johnny Marr lived in town, Eastside was the only place the former Smiths guitarist would trust with his instruments.

Lynn tries to be as matter-of-fact as he can about all of this, but it all comes out with a sense of disbelief. He’s well aware of how lucky he is, but also has enough confidence to know that he got to this point through that perfect mixture of time and talent.

A native of Michigan, Lynn became enamored with guitars when,

as a young man, he learned that a friend of his had built his own instrument. That eventually led to him moving to Arizona to attend the Roberto-Venn School of Luthiery for an intensive course in which each student is tasked with making both an acoustic and electric guitar. “Not to brag or anything,” Lynn brags, “but I was told that my [acoustic] guitar was the best out of the class.”

He eventually made his way to Portland in the fall of 2000, landing first at a long-gone music shop on Northeast Glisan and then moving to Trade Up Music after walking into that shop on a whim. “Scott Demay, one of the owners, sent me home with 10 guitars,” Lynn remembers. “He didn’t know me from anyone else. He just trusted me from that first meeting.”

After several years managing Trade Up’s luthiery department, Lynn got restless and decided to hang his own shingle in 2008, “just in time,” he says, “for the recession to really go full swing so no one had any money for guitar repairs.”

Fast forward 15 years and Lynn and his equally skilled employees Jessie Antonick and Jacob Price aren’t hurting for work. Dozens of guitars lie in wait for either simple adjustments or more complicated fixes. And during the 90 minutes I visited the shop, customers continued to pop in and grab their repaired instruments. Even with interruptions, the din of the gear shop, and my stopping his progress with questions, Lynn kept a steady hand and a near-constant grin on his face.

“I try to make everything look as neat and nice as possible,” he says, measuring the angle of the Epiphone’s fretboard before sanding it down a little further. “A friend who worked at Old Town Music had one of my wiring jobs come through his bench. He called me up and said, ‘I’ve never seen anything this awesome before.’ Now he copies my wiring. So I guess imitation is the highest form of flattery.”

TUESDAY, DEC. 5: COURTESY OF L’RAIN

BY R O B E R T H A M

SUNDAY, DEC. 2:

The past few years have seen the rise of a loosely affiliated group of artists who fold recordings of their lives into music that toes the line between songwriting and sound collage. Perhaps the bestknown name in the movement is L’Rain, whose lively, freewheeling records like Fatigue and I Killed Your Dog have found acclaim among both indie-rockers and the fringe-music underground. Support comes from Lucy Liyou, the young singer-pianist who’s the closest thing the avant-garde has to a Mariah Carey. Polaris Hall, 635 N Killingsworth Court. 8 pm. $17. 21+.

GO: Eastside Guitar Repair, 3341 SE Hawthorne Blvd., 503-232-0838, eastsideguitarrepair.com. 11 am-6 pm Tuesday-Saturday.

Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

23

GET YOUR REPS IN

MOVIES

Editor: Bennett Campbell Ferguson Contact: bennett@wweek.com

COURTESY OF THE KUCHAR BROTHERS

L I O N S G AT E

screener

Santa’s Slay (2005) From Black Christmas (1974) to Violent Night (2022), there’s 50 years of evidence that Christmas slashers and psycho Santas feed a particular holiday movie niche. Rarely, though, does such counterprogramming shoot down the chimney and earn its place on the Naughty list as gleefully as Santa’s Slay.

This straight-to-DVD comedy slasher stars ’90s wrestling icon Bill Goldberg as a Kris Kringle whose previous millennium of good deeds turned out to be a fluke. This Christmas, he can finally do as he likes, which means a murder spree through an all-American town called Hell.

The specific 2005-ness of the movie does encapsulate a certain hell.

Through its juvenile humor and overthe-top kills, Santa’s Slay picks up on Gremlins’ holiday skewering of whitepicket-fence hypocrisy and greed. But here, ’roided-up Santa gets his kicks wreaking havoc on the mid-Bush years’ particular strain of bad vibes— sleazy pastors, gun nuts, and the first wave of reactionaries to be offended by the phrase “happy holidays.”

Goldberg—beloved in wrestling circles for his guttural, eye-bulging intensity—goes for broke as Heel Santa, even executing his famous “spear” move on a kindly deli owner played by Saul Rubinek, who takes it like a champ. Hollywood, Dec. 1.

ALSO PLAYING: 5th Avenue: The Gleaners and I (2000), Dec. 1-3. Cinemagic: Home Alone (1990), Nov. 30. Santa With Muscles (1996), Dec. 1. Clinton: The Golden Fern (1963), Dec. 6. Hollywood: Niagara (1953), Dec. 2-3.

Peeping Tom (1960), Dec. 3. Carol (2015), Dec. 4. Living Room: Monty Python and the Holy Grail (1975), Dec. 3 and 6. Tomorrow Theater: The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993), Dec. 2. Black Christmas (1974), Dec. 2.

Die Hard (1988), Dec. 3.

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Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

Kuchar Kaboodle The Clinton Street Theater is screening the provocative underground melodramas of the Kuchar brothers.

BY C H A N C E S O L E M - P F E I F E R @ c h a n c e _ s _ p

To measure the impact of the Kuchar brothers’ one-of-a-kind underground film oeuvre, there are myriad metrics.

Go by film history, as twin brothers George and Mike were trailblazers of openly queer cinema. Go by volume, as their 16 mm films number in the dozens and their collected video shorts in the hundreds. Go by their influence, given their impact on John Waters and David Lynch.

If it’s the Kuchars’ ethos you seek, start in the shower. At the peak of Hold Me While I’m Naked (1966)—one of George’s beloved early efforts—an actress (Donna Kerness) is joined by her lover beneath the showerhead after quitting her job under a controlling filmmaker (George Kuchar).

Opera soars as the half-clothed couple sloppily necks and blissfully rubs each other, the water streaming down just so, as though the angels are hosting a wet T-shirt contest. Then, cut to the jilted film director showering alone, literally banging his head against the wall. All at once, it’s beautiful, depressing, horny and exhilarating.

“That’s kind of their magic,” says Susan Tomorrow, co-owner and programmer at the Clinton Street Theater and chief architect of next month’s Kuchar Brothers Festival. “It’s all affectation, but it’s like that top-layer affectation of old Hollywood melodramas. Underneath, it’s like when you realize that all of the Devo songs are really sinister and about being sexually frustrated.”

From Dec. 4 to 9 at the Clinton, which the brothers visited in 2008 (George has since died), audiences can observe all the buckets into which the Kuchars’ work simultaneously lands: proto-camp, high art, sci-fi/ horror goofery, and unabashed smut. Put another way, audiences are just as likely to be jolted by the fake vomit in The Devil’s Cleavage (1973) as they are reawakened to the fragility of the human condition in Hold Me While I’m Naked.

The festival marks a week of rare opportunities to see Kuchar films in one place and largely in their original format. Tomorrow tracked down five 16 mm prints from various archives and collections.

For those unfamiliar with the brothers’ work, the festival helpfully begins with a primer on Dec. 4: the documentary It Came From Kuchar (2009), about the twins’ lives and work. Then, because the Kuchars

specialized in shorts, three of the nights will showcase double features, starting with Hold Me While I’m Naked and Sins of the Fleshapoids (1965) on Dec. 5. Then, on Dec. 8, moviegoers can experience The Devil’s Cleavage, one of their rare feature-length efforts.

Portland film curator and 16 mm expert Greg Hamilton will be on hand to project the sometimes sensitive old reels. When the projector whirs to life from amid the theater’s floor seats, Tomorrow wants the Clinton as close as possible to the setting where viewers first discovered the Kuchars’ outsider art.

“This experience to me is like sitting in a basement in the Bronx in 1962 with a bunch of other weirdos, and someone’s lighting a cigarette over the bulb and trying to get the film cued up,” she says.

Tomorrow, a longtime film programmer who moved from Austin three years ago for Portland’s movie scene, comes by her Kuchar devotion through similar DIY channels. For her, it began in the Las Vegas video store Movie Brat nearly two decades ago with a bootleg copy of Sins of the Fleshapoids.

It took Tomorrow years to find and watch the Kuchars’ body of work, with dreams of a festival percolating. Even now, many of the films are not online in any form, but the 16 mm grit is part of the package, as are the Kuchars’ recurring casts of family and friends, their penchant for no-budget sets, hyperbolic pencil-drawn eyebrows, and dubbed dialogue that sounds almost like Charlie Brown’s indecipherable teacher.

The Kuchars’ impact is not in hiding or cleverly engineering around their perpetually nonexistent budgets; it’s in leaning in and feeling everything. Or, as Tomorrow calls it, “pure bonkers creativity.”

“People give themselves so many different blockades not just to making a movie but to making anything,” she says. “Like, ‘Oh, I don’t have the right equipment.’ [The Kuchars] are such a good reminder that all you need is a way to film, a living room, a handful of friends, and you’re good.”

SEE IT: The Kuchar Brothers Festival screens at the Clinton Street Theater, 2522 SE Clinton St., 971-808-3331, cstpdx. com. Multiple dates and showtimes, Dec. 4-9. Individual tickets $10, festival pass $35.

COURTESY OF JESSICA BARR

TOP PICK OF THE WEEK

CAN’T SEEM TO MAKE YOU MINE Fresh out of jail and acclimating to Southeast Portland, Wilder (Zachary Ray Sherman) has his feet in different worlds.

His initial connection to the outside is former prison pen pal Riley (Jessica Barr), a young, open-minded sex worker. Then there’s the sway of the past: Wilder has a 6-year-old son he’s never met and an ex (Lindsay Burdge) with every reason not to trust his gestures toward reconciliation. That may sound like a moralistic setup, but directors Aaron Keene and Sara Burke (both former Portlanders) withhold judgment. Can’t Seem to Make You Mine is a patient character study, all handheld close-ups, watching and waiting as Wilder negotiates the tensions of life beyond a cell. Sherman, another former Portlander, plays Wilder as an ex-con whose battle is not with an outlaw spirit, but his own nervous system. Can his twitchiness handle an interminable safety lecture at a new welding job? Can he give his estranged son an impromptu bath without distress turning to anger? In this way, the film blurs Wilder’s suggested make-good arc into something increasingly lifelike.

Redemption is too idealistic a concept when relationships are built moment by moment. NR. CHANCE SOLEM-PFEIFER. Hollywood. 7:30 pm Wednesday, Dec. 6. Filmmaker Q&A after the screening.

NAPOLEON

Near the end of Napoleon, the eponymous French emperor (Joaquin Phoenix) demands to know what happened to the adoring letters he wrote to his beloved Joséphine (Vanessa Kirby).

Yet for all his lordly airs, Napoleon doesn’t sound like a conqueror; he sounds like a high schooler whining about his flirty love notes to a cute girl in algebra class getting tossed in the trash. Such is life in Napoleon, which fuses the beautifully erratic humanity of Phoenix with the sweeping meticulousness of director Ridley Scott. Portraying Napoleon as both a devilish strategist and a lovesick dope is hardly a stretch: When the emperor died in exile in 1821, his final words were, “France, the army, head of the army, Joséphine.” That demands a paramour of mythic proportions, though “mythic” hardly does Kirby’s Joséphine justice. A scene in which she bares her crotch to Napoleon (“once you see it, you will always want it,” she prophetically declares) is memorable, but barely necessary; one word spoken in Kirby’s steely, velvety voice could seduce all but the sternest of authoritarians. Napoleon is even better as a sex comedy than it is as a violent spectacle, which is really saying something: Even the melees Scott staged for Gladiator are outdone by his poetic and brutish re-creation of Napoleon’s theatrics at the Battle of Austerlitz, which leaves Lake Satschen filled with ice, blood and cannon balls. Still, Scott never lets us forget that Napoleon is the overgrown adolescent who, in one scene, shames an Englishman by shouting, “You think you’re so great because you have boats!” Cry havoc and let slip the boys of war. R. BENNETT CAMPBELL FERGUSON. Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Eastport, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower, Lake Theater, Laurelhurst, Living Room, Lloyd Center, Mill Plain, Oak Grove, Progress Ridge, Studio One.

THE MARVELS

Shitting on the Marvel Cinematic Universe is hip right now, but it shouldn’t be. Amid its putative decline, the franchise has unleashed some of its liveliest and strangest films, from the oedipal ShangChi to the operatic Eternals. The trend toward general wackiness continues with The Marvels, which is less a sequel to 2019’s Captain Marvel than a multigenerational, quasi-musical buddy movie. Wearing a

crimson bodysuit and wrangling glowing CGI effects, Brie Larson returns as Carol Danvers, the cosmic warrior known as Captain Marvel. She’s ditched her battle-ready pixie cut from Avengers: Endgame, but gained some new friends: astronaut Monica Rambeau (Teyonah Parris) and Captain Marvel fangirl Kamala Khan (Iman Vellani), both of whom prove invaluable allies in Carol’s war with a planet-hopping despot (Zawe Ashton). After a baffling first act suffocated by references to previous films and streaming series, The Marvels allows its heroic trio to bond and bumble with ease, whether they’re jumping rope on a spaceship or navigating a song-and-dance routine on an aquatic planet. In that scene, Larson wears a sumptuous red ball gown, which reminds us that Carol is never one thing—she’s casual and committed, gritty and glamorous. The greatest superhero Larson ever played was Grace Howard, the ferociously compassionate group home supervisor in Short Term 12 (2013), but as long as she’s willing to lend Marvel her unpredictable light, the franchise would be wise to let it shine. PG-13. BENNETT CAMPBELL FERGUSON. Cedar Hills, Century Eastport, City Center, Clackamas, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower, Lloyd Center, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Studio One, Vancouver Plaza.

NEXT GOAL WINS

The premise of “a soccer coach and his club of misfits learn the value of friendship and positive thinking” might sound a little less played out if audiences weren’t familiar with Ted Lasso (or indeed any other sports comedy). Fortunately, director Taika Waititi (Jojo Rabbit, Thor: Ragnarok) has both the charm and insight to make Next Goal Wins an enjoyable, if slight, trip to the pitch. Based on the 2014 documentary of the same name, the story follows rage-aholic coach Thomas Rongen (Michael Fassbender), who is assigned to lead the American Samoa national team, the laughingstock of international football since a humiliating 31-0 loss in a qualifying match for the 2001 World Cup. In theory, Fassbender’s casting is part of the joke—an actor known for his dramatic intensity (see: 12 Years a Slave) transplanted into a formula comedy—but his Rongen is more despondent than fierce, and he ends up the weak link in the cast. Fortunately, the rest of our players make up for it with humor

and humanity to spare, particularly Oscar Kightley as the ever-optimistic club president and Kaimana as Jaiyah Saelua, the trail-blazing transgender player who is the heart of the team. Next Goal Wins works best as a loving tribute to sports movies of the past that, at a breezy 103 minutes, moves quickly and doesn’t overstay its welcome. It may not be a blowout, but it’s still a win in my book. PG-13. MORGAN SHAUNETTE. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Eastport, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower, Laurelhurst, Living Room, Lloyd Center, Oak Grove, Studio One, Vancouver Plaza.

THANKSGIVING

Director Eli Roth offers up a bloody feast for fans of old-school slashers with Thanksgiving, a feature-length adaptation of his fake trailer that played in front of Grindhouse (2007). The film opens with a bang as chaos spreads in a Right Mart during Black Friday sales on Thanksgiving night; Roth treats the scene more like a zombie invasion than a shopping event.

The plot then jumps forward a year as a killer in a pilgrim mask targets a group of teens he finds responsible for the previous holiday disaster. Thanksgiving may be Roth’s best horror effort since he traumatized audiences with Hostel (2006). Yes, the premise is silly, but the movie knows it, winking at the audience with absurd scenarios and over-the-top gore (one scene involving a cat is especially welcome). The killer’s identity, motivation, and even downfall can be guessed pretty early on, but seasoned horror fans should enjoy watching Roth cook with ingredients borrowed from Pieces (1982) and I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997). Dinner is served.

R. DANIEL RESTER. Bridgeport, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Division Street, Eastport, Evergreen Parkway, Lloyd Center, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Studio One, Vancouver Plaza.

WISH

This year marks the centennial of Walt Disney Studios, which is celebrating by releasing Wish, a distillation of its fairy tale mastery filtered through the lens of modernity, but riddled with references to the House of Mouse’s back catalog. Unfortunately, in all the hullabaloo, the filmmakers seem to have forgotten to make the project itself innovative or compelling. Set in the Kingdom of Rosas, our story follows Asha (Ariana DeBose), who accidentally summons a magical wishing star from the sky, which threatens King Magnifico (Chris Pine) and his monopoly on all things enchanted and wishful. DeBose works wonders as our adorkable heroine, but there’s little to say about Asha as a character beyond that. Worse, the film’s forgettable songs lean heavy on bombast but light on poetry (the exception being Magnifico’s ode to his own despotism and the first proper villain song Disney has unleashed in years, “This Is the Thanks I Get?!” ). Visually, there’s nothing to complain about: The film’s fusion of retro watercolors with a CGI sheen is a marvel to behold. At a breezy 95 minutes, Wish doesn’t overstay its welcome and kids are sure to enjoy the cute critters and slapstick set pieces. Older fans, however, may realize their true wish is to see something else. PG. MORGAN SHAUNETTE. Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Eastport, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower, Joy Cinema, Lloyd Center, Mill Plain, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Progress Ridge, St. Johns Twin, Wunderland Milwaukie.

THE HUNGER GAMES: THE BALLAD OF SONGBIRDS AND SNAKES

Years after the young-adult dystopia genre crested and flattened, The Hunger Games: The Ballad of Songbirds and Snakes is here to remind us of what we are missing: not much. Set 64 years before Katniss Everdeen volunteered as tribute, the story follows young Coriolanus Snow (Tom Blyth) as he’s assigned to mentor Lucy Gray Baird (Rachel Zegler) in the future’s favorite child beauty pageant/ televised bloodsport. In theory, this is the origin story of how Snow went from the penniless son of a disgraced noble to the all-powerful villain Donald Sutherland played in the main trilogy. However, Snow doesn’t have much of an arc to speak of, starting and ending the film as an ambitious schemer, with his only lessons being the very obvious consequences of his actions. Snow’s eventual maxim, “It is the things we love the most that destroy us,” doesn’t amount to anything since his romance with Lucy Gray is as baffling as it is predictable and his survival is a foregone conclusion. The action outside the relationship drama is tepid at best, as Ballad retreads the beats from the earlier films but with worse editing and fewer sci-fi elements. The movie only comes alive when the actors themselves seem to be taking the piss out of the whole concept—particularly Viola Davis, who plays gamemaker Dr. Gaul as a cross between Willy Wonka and Emperor Palpatine. After 150 minutes of screentime that feels like far more, she asks Snow what the Hunger Games are for.

Sadly, the best answer Ballad can give us is “because Lionsgate Films needed a tentpole in Q4.” PG-13. MORGAN SHAUNETTE. Bagdad, Cedar Hills, City Center, Clackamas, Eastport, Evergreen Parkway, Fox Tower, Lloyd Center, Mill Plain, Oak Grove, Pioneer Place, Progress Ridge, St. Johns Twin, Studio One, Vancouver Plaza.

OUR KEY

: THIS MOVIE IS EXCELLENT, ONE OF THE BEST OF THE YEAR. : THIS MOVIE IS GOOD. WE RECOMMEND YOU WATCH IT. : THIS MOVIE IS ENTERTAINING BUT FLAWED. : THIS MOVIE IS A STEAMING PILE. Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

25

TRUE SCENES FROM THE STREETS! @sketchypeoplepdx

by Jack Kent

THIS SUNDAY AT THE TOMORROW THEATER! LET’S WATCH DIE HARD! JACK’S HOSTING A SKETCH SESSION BEFORE THE MOVIE, DRAW HARD! PRIZES! FUN! GET YOUR TIXX AT: portlandartmuseum.org/pam-cut

Willamette Week NOVEMBER 29, 2023 wweek.com

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@iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiimp

JONESIN’

FREE WILL

B Y M AT T J O N E S

"De-Famed"--is this name recognition?

ASTROLOGY ARIES (March 21-April 19): As a child, I loved to go

to a meadow and whirl around in spirals until I got so dizzy, I fell. As I lay on the ground, the earth, sky, and sun reeled madly, and I was no longer just a pinpoint of awareness lodged inside my body, but was an ecstatically undulating swirl in the kaleidoscopic web of life. Now, years later, I've discovered many of us love spinning.

Scientists postulate humans have a desire for the intoxicating vertigo it brings. I would never recommend you do what I did as a kid; it could be dangerous for some of you. But if it's safe and the spirit moves you, do it! Or at least imagine yourself doing it. Do you know about the Sufi Whirling Dervishes who use spinning as a meditation? Read here: tinyurl.com/JoyOfWhirling and tinyurl.com/SufiSpinning

TAURUS

(April 20-May 20): Your power creature in the coming weeks will not be an eagle, wolf, bear, or salmon. I don’t advise you to dream of being a wild horse, tiger, or crocodile. Instead, I invite you to cultivate a deep bond with the mushroom family. Why? Now is a favorable time to be like the mushrooms that keep the earth fresh. In wooded areas, they eat away dead trees and leaves, preventing larger and larger heaps of compost from piling up. They keep the soil healthy and make nutrients available for growing things.

Be like those mushrooms, Taurus. Steadily and relentlessly rid your world of the defunct and decaying parts—thereby stimulating fertility.

GEMINI

ACROSS

50. General of menus

22. Distractions

1. Bottom-of-the-drink add-ins

53. "Top Gun" org.

27. High-antioxidant drink

5. Color Me _ _ _ (1990s R&B group)

54. 1950s-'60s singer trying to get himself to the front of the alphabet?

29. Actress Graynor

9. "Harold & _ _ _ Go to White Castle"

58. "_ _ _ Game: The Challenge"

14. M.B.A. class subj.

60. Tennant of the Pet Shop Boys

33. Question starter

61. Air conditioning conduit 62. Elephant's long teeth

35. Source of a movable feast?

63. Whipped up

36. Noah's vessel

64. State the same way

37. Start of a U.S. capital

65. "Now you _ _ _, now you don't"

39. Laid-back, personalitywise

66. Just manages, with "out"

40. "Baba is _ _ _" (puzzle game)

67. Ad option that might take a while in the free version

44. Mandrill in "The Lion King"

15. Dog voiced by Harvey Guillén in 2024's "The Garfield Movie" 16. Absurd 17. Element in diner signs 18. Pass out hands 19. Farmland measures 20. 1990s singer who's foolish, per hip-hop lingo of the time?

23. Bone of the forearm 24. "Diners, Drive-_ _ _ and Dives" 25. Hockey milieu 26. Late English presenter Paul whose drag persona was Lily Savage 28. Paddock parent 30. Rotate like a baton 32. Trophy or medal 34. Come up 35. Everyone seems to be following it now 38. Mopey designer who says "Thanks for noticing the new look"?

DOWN 1. Good Charlotte guitarist Madden 2. Arctic, for one 3. Well-read but not experienced, perhaps 4. The A in A.D. 5. Laced Victorian garment 6. Her albums are named for ages 7. Watch face 8. Sandwich shop

41. Tater _ _ _ casserole

9. Sportage automaker

42. Gorme who sang "Blame It on the Bossa Nova"

10. Relax, as one's toes

43. Cozy spots

11. Actress Gibbs of "The Jeffersons"

44. Discourage

12. Come to _ _ _ (finish up)

45. Poker variety

13. State the same way

46. A-ten-tion span?

21. Stuff thrown from a park bench, maybe

49. Took a lunch break

©2023 Jonesin’ Crosswords (editor@jonesincrosswords.com) For answers to this puzzle, call: 1-900-226-2800, 99 cents per minute. Must be 18+. Or to bill to your credit card, call: 1-800-655-6548. Reference puzzle #JNZ990.

30. Hiking path 31. Content of some cellars 32. Talent show talent 34. Assistant

45. "Watermelon Sugar" singer Harry 46. Does some cleaning 47. Ending like "-like" 48. Reason why 49. Tolerate 51. 2014 Winter Games host city 52. In first place 55. "My treat" 56. Woodpecker's tool 57. Citrus refreshers 59. "Spring ahead" letters

last week’s answers

(May 21-June 20): Gemini novelist Geraldine McCaughrean wrote, "Maybe courage is like memory—a muscle that needs exercise to get strong. So I decided that maybe if I started in a small way, I could gradually work my way up to being brave." That is an excellent prescription for you: the slow, incremental approach to becoming bolder and pluckier. For best results, begin practicing on mild risks and mellow adventures.

Week by week, month by month, increase the audacious beauty of your schemes and the intensity of your spunk and fortitude. By mid-2024, you will be ready to launch a daring project.

CANCER

(June 21-July 22): Cancerian neurologist and author Oliver Sacks worked with people who had unusual neurological issues. His surprising conclusion: "Defects, disorders, and diseases can play a paradoxical role, by bringing out latent powers, developments, and evolutions that might never be seen in their absence." In not all cases, but more often than seemed reasonable, he found that disorders could be regarded as creative— "for if they destroy particular paths, particular ways of doing things, they may force unexpected growth." Your assignment is to meditate on how the events of your life might exemplify the principle Sacks marvels at: apparent limitations leading to breakthroughs and bonanzas.

LEO

(July 23-Aug. 22): I am falling in love with how deeply you are falling in love with new ways of seeing and understanding yourself. My heart sings as I listen to your heart singing in response to new attractions. Keep it up, Leo! You are having an excellent influence on me. My dormant potentials and drowsy passions are stirring as I behold you waking up and coaxing out your dormant potentials and drowsy passions. Thank you, dear!

VIRGO

(Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Virgo journalist Sydney J. Harris offered advice I suggest you meditate on. He wrote, "Regret for the things we did can be tempered by time; it is regret for the things we did not do that is inconsolable." I bring this to your attention because now is a favorable time to take action on things you have not yet done—and should do. If you put definitive plans in motion soon, you will ensure that regret won't come calling in five years. (PS: Amazingly, it’s also an excellent time to dissolve regret you feel for an iffy move you made in the past.)

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22): In contrast to false

stereotypes, Medieval Europeans were not dirty and unhygienic. They made soap and loved to bathe. Another bogus myth says the people of the Middle Ages believed the Earth was flat. But the truth was that most educated folks knew it

WEEK OF NOVEMBER 30

© 2023 ROB BREZSNY

was round. And it’s questionable to refer to this historical period as backward, since it brought innovations like mechanical timekeepers, moveable type, accurate maps, the heavy plow, and illuminated manuscripts. In this spirit, and in accordance with astrological omens, I invite you to strip away misconceptions and celebrate actual facts in your own sphere. Be a scrupulous revealer, a conscientious and meticulous truthteller.

SCORPIO

(Oct. 23-Nov. 21): Scorpio poet John Berryman said, "To grow, we must travel in the direction of our fears.” Yikes! I personally wouldn’t want to do that kind of growth all the time. I prefer traveling cheerfully in the direction of my hopes and dreams. But then I'm not a Scorpio. Maybe Berryman's strategy for fulfilling one's best destiny is a Scorpio superpower. What do you think? One thing I know for sure is that the coming weeks will be an excellent time to re-evaluate and reinvent your relationship with your fears. I suggest you approach the subject with a beginner's mind. Empty yourself of all your previous ideas and be open to healing new revelations.

SAGITTARIUS

(Nov. 22-Dec. 21): Sagittarian poet Nina Cassian said, "I promise to make you so alive that the fall of dust on furniture will deafen you." I think she meant she would fully awaken the senses of her readers. She would boost our capacity for enchantment and entice us to feel interesting emotions we had never experienced.

As we communed with her beautiful self-expression, we might even reconfigure our understanding of who we are and what life is about. I am pleased to tell you, Sagittarius, that even if you’re not a writer, you now have an enhanced ability to perform these same services—both for yourself and for others.

CAPRICORN

(Dec. 22-Jan. 19): "Sometimes I get lonesome for a storm," says Capricorn singersongwriter Joan Baez. "A full-blown storm where everything changes." That approach has worked well for her. At age 82, she has released 30 albums and is a member of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. She has recorded songs in eight languages and has been honored by Amnesty International for her work on behalf of human rights. If you're feeling resilient—which I think you are—I recommend that you, too, get lonesome for a storm.

Your life could use some rearrangement. If you're not feeling wildly bold and strong, maybe ask the gods for a mild squall.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18): Science educa-

tor Neil deGrasse Tyson tells us that water molecules we drink have “passed through the kidneys of Socrates, Genghis Khan, and Joan of Arc.” The same prodigious truth applies to the air we breathe: It has “passed through the lungs of Napoleon, Beethoven, and Abraham Lincoln.” Tyson would have also been accurate if he said we have shared water and air that has been inside the bodies of virtually every creature who has ever lived. I bring these facts to your attention, Aquarius, in the hope of inspiring you to deepen your sense of connectedness to other beings. Now is an excellent time to intensify your feelings of kinship with the web of life. Here's the practical value of doing that: You will attract more help and support into your life.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20): I am saying a prayer for you. I pray to the Fates that you will not accept lazy or careless efforts from others. You won’t allow their politeness to be a cover-up for manipulativeness. I also pray that you will cultivate high expectations for yourself. You won’t be an obsessive perfectionist, but will be devoted to excellence. All your actions will be infused with high integrity. You will conscientiously attend to every detail with the faith that you are planting seeds that will bloom beautifully in the future.

Homework: Read inspirational insights about your astrological sign in my new book: https:// bit.ly/AstrologyReal

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The audio horoscopes are also available by phone at 1-877-873-4888 or 1-900-950-7700

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