potatoeS of trInIty

academical grounds for decades now, attracting a lot of spurious theories (like the one attributing this fact to the helical shape of our DNA). Only recently, real progress has been made by the Harvard University [1], which discovered a statistically significant connection between curly fries and everybody's favourite Teletubby, LaaLaa.

So next time you're feeling down, we'd just like to let you know, it's OK to stick one of these up on the top of your head and play with a yellow ball, spill some custard or refuse to go to the bed just yet.

[1] Kleinman, A. et al 2017. Twisted Connection: Social and anthropological analysis of the prevalence of curly shape in the modern north-Atlantic region. Current Anthropology 22:727–732. Fries/chips

So fries are the thin ones and chips are the thick ones... No wait! Sorry, it's the other way: chips are the thick ones and fries are the thin ones. That's it. Oh no, did I say the same, just in reverse order? I meant... Ehm.

No one actually knows which ones are which; there is no way how to find out and we will all live and die haunted by the fact we don't know the answer to this question.

Duchess potatoes

The only potato dish famous enough to have its own emoji. (You might object that there is also the fries emoji, but that is not the fries emoji, that is the chips emoji, but there is no such thing as chips, because… AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

Also, did you know how this dish was invented? The Duchess was too fed up with the Duke but couldn’t hold it in anymore. Haha, do you get it? Did you get it?? Hold it in. Ha ha. Classic!

Noisette potatoes

Just as soybeans offer an alternative to dairy products for those lactose intolerant, noisette potatoes bring the joy of eating hazelnuts to those with a nut allergy. They might not be as crunchy as the real thing, but they sure are delicious.

Croquette potatoes/croquettes

HA! Catering department busted! These two are actually the same dish with just the name changed slightly. So there are not 27 types of the potato dish, there is only 26! (To be honest, that’s still a shit-tonne.)

They both describe a deep-fried potato mash, moulded in a way originally described by an overly complicated mathematical formula that the editorial team couldn't work out how to recreate using their publication software at 5 AM earlier today.

It's a cylinder. If you didn’t find this description too rounded it’s only because you’re looking at it from a wrong angle.

Sauté potatoes

Not everybody can be a millionaire but you can sure feel like one with a full plate or—if they manage to run out of plates and start using more extraordinary serving dishes—a full pot of these gold coins. This potato choice was introduced to commemorate the tragedy of the 1840s Irish potato famine, so next time you eat these, please spend a moment before the meal to reflect on the tragic consequences of religious oppression and monocultural, single potato variety, agricultural production.

Lyonnaise potatoes

Same as the above, with the addition of Trinity’s favourite vegetable: onion. Best enjoyed alongside onion filo pastry and roasted red onions, topped with a generous ladleful of onion gravy.

Dauphinoise potatoes

If you’re a Bourgeois, Havin a boiled Tortoise, Please add some Dauphinoise And drink some red Beaujolais To achieve Equipoise. (No two of the above lines actually rhyme.)

To those of you complaining about how useless this guide actually is: you are first reminded that no two of the above lines actually rhyme. These are those potato slices boiled in cream that they sometimes serve.

Gratin Dauphinoise

It’s the meal above but gone crème brûlée (or Trinity burnt cream if you may). I.e., “We burn it a bit on the top and name it differently."

Roast potatoes

Yes, these potatoes are prepared in an oven. But the name of the dish actually comes from the numerous insults these potatoes are subjected to because the kitchen staff hate working on a Sunday.

Papas arrugadas

No wonder they use this very fancy Spanish name in the menu when the literal direct English translation is “wrinkly potatoes”. Euw! Despite the not so great name, the dish—prepared in a highly salted water following the traditional recipe of Spanish great-grandmothers (true experts on wrinkliness)—is actually quite nice.

Mashed potatoes

When you were young a part of you wanted to be a dancer, a singer, a painter, simply an artist. Going wherever you're imagination led you. But then you started doubting yourself, and others: friends, teachers, parents, only fed that doubt. “Of course you won't be an artist; that's a foolish career and besides you aren't talented enough,” they would say. And so you applied to university, to become that lawyer, scientist, or engineer.

But don't forget, that small piece of artist is still in there. Never suppress it. Cultivate it. You might not be Picasso or Dali but nobody can tell you that that mashed potato whale with a pea instead of an eye, or that mashed potato castle, or that gravy volcano isn’t good enough. Trust yourself. They are beautiful. Because they've been made with creativity and love and that's what matters. Mashed potato always has your back.

Chive mash

Somebody once accidentally dropped a chunk of mashed potatoes on grass. That somebody also scraped the remnants of it and put them back on the plate. That’s the whole origin story of chive mash. No fancy chefs working in a food lab, just a simple cock-up.

Potatoes

Yes, that’s actually on the menu and if you’re a true hardcore potato dish fan you must love this one. 100% plain, boiled potatoes. That’s it. Nothing weird. Nothing special. Just plain ol’ taters.

Parsley potatoes

Boiled potatoes enhanced in colour thanks to this magical herb. Sage, rosemary and thyme not found. Evolves from potatoes at Level 16.

Parsley and butter potatoes

Yet another ingredient in the mix. Evolves from parsley potatoes at Level 36 but only using a Moon Stone.

Sweet potato fries

Okay, I agree, technically it's not a potato dish and it doesn't necessarily have the right to be treated like one. But sometimes, when we reach out, when we try to see what we have in common rather than what divedes us, and when we give someone a chance, they will not fail us: we might instead discover they can become more than any other potato dish ever could. And we will forever remember the day when we've made the choice that wasn't the easy one, but was the right one. New potatoes/new potatoes with parsley/roasted

New Potatoes

You might think that cooking these dishes already mentioned above, just with new potatoes instead of the standard “old” ones, is a very obvious choice and shouldn’t need to be pointed out separately. I can’t agree more. In our age it is. But it wasn’t always like this...

Since the University was founded in the 13th century, for more than six centuries only “old” potato dishes had been served. Only after that, in 1869, did some colleges start to serve dishes made from new potatoes. Trinity itself introduced new potatoes to its menu as late as 1976 and it took another year for the new potatoes to be served at the high table, in 1977.

In the present day, new potato dishes are as frequent across the university as “old” ones. But it is necessary to say that this statistic is not universal across all colleges and it is highly influenced by some colleges that decided to serve new potatoes only. Trinity itself, for example, is quite behind, with only about third of the potato dishes in Hall being made using new potatoes and even less, 17%, of the High Table meals.

Minted new potatoes

Would you rather have a Mojito or a potato dish? If you’re ever asked this question, this is the answer.

Pan-fried new potatoes

To someone who is just a boring grown-up living a grown-up life and doing grown-up things all the time, these will look like roast potatoes. But if you still have the adventurous mind of a child, you can see the difference, the speck of fairy dust, the magic of Neverland, only visible to a pair of curious young eyes.