RON (Re-Open Nominations)

TCSU President

(and Vice-President, Treasurer, Ents, Welfare, etc... but mainly President)

Proposed: Harry Metrebian

Seconded: Kerem Ergene

If you elect me as your president, I will…

• Continue Toby’s good work and complete the abolition of the JCR.

• Install more toilets in New Court E staircase, so that you don’t have to use the floor any more. If this proves impractical, then special bins will be provided instead.

• Introduce restrictions on visitors from shithole colleges.

• Replace the deeply unfair Scholars’ Ballot with a Peterhouse-style points system. People who vote for me will get more points.

• Increase the excitement of the Great Court Run by having Hazel Ashley, the Great Court sniper, fire at the stragglers.

Why me?

• I have won more TCSU committee elections than any other candidate in history.

• I have achieved this despite never writing a manifesto before, so just imagine how much I will win by now that people know what I stand for.

• I’m not doing a degree, so I will be able to put much more time and effort into my role than any other candidate.

• I have promoted gender equality by simultaneously standing for the positions of Male and Female Welfare Officer.

• Admittedly, I haven’t actually achieved anything while on the TCSU committee, but not many people ever have.

• Give the TCSU president (i.e., myself) the power to reshuffle the TCSU committee—everyone will work harder if they know they’re in danger of being demoted.

• Abolish tuition fees. In the unlikely event that this fails, I will abolish room rents instead.

• Replace the lift in the Wolfson Building with a magic carpet to improve reliability.

• Build a tunnel leading from the Wolfson Party Room to the Whewell’s Court toilets. Not only will this give the WPR an extra fire exit, meaning it can actually be used for parties, it will also allow people who party a bit too hard to make a quick escape to the bathroom.

• Campaign for the decolonisation of Gibraltar and the Falkland Islands.

• Bring back James Riseley!

• Hold a salmon-only formal once a term—we don’t get served salmon often enough.

• Allow students to bring their own bottles of wine to formals, but only if they have already drunk more than half of the bottle—this way, there will be no excessive drinking at formals, but everyone can still get as hammered as they like.

SurvIve burrell’S fIeld walk at nIght

Our newest writer presents his findings from his internship Perhaps you have a supervision, a party, or are even unfortunate enough to live in the overseas territory known as Burrell’s. Whatever the reason, in the winter months, it is necessary to take precautions when venturing out of Trinity’s homeland. Follow these simple steps to ensure safe passage:

DO NOT use your phone to light the way

You’ll make yourself an easy prey for any potential attackers hiding in the bushes. Instead, walk in pitch darkness: if the attacker can’t see you, how will they attack?

DO use echolocation

Dolphins can do it, and you’re at the University of Cambridge, so I’d bloody well expect you to be smarter than a dolphin. I don’t see any dolphins at Trinity.

Disclaimer: statement does not hold for those walking through Burrell’s to use what is known as the ‘gym’.

DO wear thick layers

This has two benefits. Firstly, it’ll absorb the shock when you inevitably walk into a tree/fence/other person. Secondly, if you get lost and are forced to camp out for the night, it’ll slow the onset of hypothermia.

DO lay a trail of Trinity cheese sticksTM

These will allow you to retrace your steps. They can double up as emergency rations if things get dire.

DO travel in groups

A penguin huddle will keep you warm, and your friends make good shields. A double win.

If you follow this advice, I have no doubt that you’ll survive your journey. Enjoy your trip and come back soon.