the A rt of ConversAtion

Alexander Chamberlain helps you kick start your social life

Here at Travisty, we feel it is our duty to help new students adjust to University life. Since friendships supposedly make up a large part of your University experience and contribute to your happiness, we’ve complied a few strategies you can use to talk to anyone.

The Weather Presenter

Cambridge is in Britain, and there is nothing that Brits love more than conversing about the weather.

Step 1: When you wake up, open the weather app up on your phone and memorise the day’s predictions. This saves you having to actually look up at the sky, giving you more time to practise having conversations.

Step 2: Approach a person, preferably outside or near a window, so they can see the sky and nod in agreement to your observations.

Step 3: Speak the following phrase, with a suitable word substituted in where shown. “<adjective> weather we’re having, isn’t it? I can’t believe that we’re going to have <type of weather> later. Glad I’ll be <activity you will be doing later> then.”

Example: Bizarre weather we’re having, isn’t it? I can’t believe that we’re going to have a tropical heatwave later. Glad I’ll be playing water polo in the River Cam then.

Pro Tip: Use the thesaurus to mix up your vocabulary and make sure that no two conversations you have are the same.

The Interrogator

Everyone knows that the purpose of a conversation is to gather as much information as possible, right? How else will you decide if your conversation partner is worthy to be your friend?

Step 1: Compile a questionnaire of all things you deem important to know about a person, then commit it to memory. Alternatively, write down your questions and invest in a good clipboard.

Step 2: Approach a person, preferably in a confined area so that they can’t escape.

Step 3: Reel of your list of questions. Make sure you record all of their answers, so you can enter them into your spreadsheet later.

Example: “What’s your name/subject/favourite password? Where do you live? Do you row? Did you know I write for Travisty?”

Pro Tip: Ask yes or no questions to ensure that the conversation doesn’t go off on an interesting tangent. You’re here for information, not stories.

The Social Media-nator

Talking face-to-face is so last century. I mean, come on, is your life in black and white? Who wants to waste precious brainpower reading all of the subtle facial clues to discern the other’s expressions, when you can just use emojis instead?

Step 1: Choose your social media application of choice. Popular ones include Facebook, Instagram, Whatsapp, Club Penguin, etc.

Step 2: Approach a person, hand them your phone with social media open and get them to friend/follow you.

Step 3: Walk away from that person in real life, but message them online, letting them know that you enjoyed meeting them and would like to talk more (online, of course).

Example: I’m afraid there’s no example for this one, you’re on your own.

Pro Tip: You don’t always have to message. Sometimes the strongest friendships come from the copious volumes of tagging in memes.

The Madagascan Penguin

When it comes to cool, few people compare to a fellow dressed in black tie, munching on some fresh fish. So it makes sense that we should take advice from them.

Step 1: Gather three friends and put on your favourite black ties. Optionally, you can also paint your beaks noses orange.

Step 2: Approach a person, preferably stand a few metres away though, don’t appear keen.

Step 3: Say “Smile and wave, boys. Smile and wave,” as you give a give a slow wave and a cool smile.

Example: Type into YouTube “smile and wave boys”. Make sure you watch it at least five times to pick up the subtleties of such a manoeuvre.

Pro Tip: For added coolness, take a swim in the River Cam beforehand so you really nail the penguin look.

The Fortune Teller

With so much uncertainty in the world, nothing will impress people more than your uncanny ability to tell the future. Disclaimer: Travisty does not guarantee that the following guide will allow you to predict the future accurately.

Step 1: Grab your favourite fortune telling artefacts. An origami fortune teller is good for beginners, but only having eight options will limit the range of your predictions. Tea leaves in the bottom of a mug are also a popular option, as is the palm of your conversation partner.

Step 2: Approach a person, preferably sneak up on them so you can appear extra mysterious. Maybe in a cloud of smoke.

Step 3: Read their future with your chosen instrument. Make sure to phrase your predictions in an extremely vague and highly interpretable manner, so that they will definitely be applicable to literally everyone in the world if you analyse it deeply enough. Example: “Oooooooh! I see dark things in your future. Very dark! Up to 85% cocoa dark. Watch yourself if you take a walk through Burrell’s Field walk at night anytime soon.”

Pro Tip: Once you’ve tried this out on a reasonable number of people and seen success, consider investing in a crystal ball. I hear their accuracy is through the roof and carrying it around will tone your biceps. If you’re running low on material, consult the Horoscopes on Page 20.