Caroline Bassett gives some Michelin star advice on cooking in College

Friends, Freshers, fourth-years and fellow sufferers in this fine educational institution, I come to you today with some hot tips and tricks on the art of la cuisine —or more specifically, how to make a meal in your student kitchen that won’t make you hate yourself as soon as the fork reaches your mouth. And although I guess this is mostly aimed at Freshers, I am all too painfully aware of the cooking ability of some of my peers and so to them I say: welcome. There is no judgement here. Only acceptance, and a plea to cook at least one vegetable once in your life, because—goddamn—man cannot survive on Van of Life alone.

First of all, the basics. The new normal that you will come to accept is that milk will go off seemingly as soon as you buy it. You will have barely-there memories of the milk at home lasting for days without needing to be replaced, but there must be something about the Cambridge air that means that the mere act of swiping your card at the self-service machine at Sainsbury’s means that the countdown has begun, and you have precious little time before it has turned into a disgusting clumpy mess. One time, I was with my friend when she was making a cup of tea for somebody and every single bottle of milk in that fridge was like a miniature horror story of rancid lumpy fluid. (Also, I’m very aware that you’ll probably be reading this during the first Brunch of the term. You’re very welcome for the mental image.)

Want to make enemies of your entire building? Why not try to make pizza in the oven in your kitchen, leave the kitchen, let the pizza burn, set off the fire alarm, and make everybody do a fire drill unnecessarily? Not happy with that? Do it again. And again. And again. And why not once more? You absolute monster.

Make sure that you check that you’ve turned on the hob when you leave a saucepan filled with water on it, otherwise you will be in the polar opposite of hot water and will instead end up hungry, embarrassed, and likely to slink off to the bar to buy the same panini again. To check whether the hob is on, I advise flicking a few drops of water onto the hob with wet hands; if it evaporates away then the hob is hot. Please don’t put the palm of your hand flat onto the scalding hob to test the temperature, as it will result in a trip to Addenbrookes and being mocked by all your friends, even a year later, even in print.

In the event that somebody steals your food out of the fridge, I am giving my full permission, and even encouragement, to commit cold-blooded murder. There’s no other advice here. Just be subtle. Murder will get you Deaned. And any blood on the carpets will get you fined.

Finally, as we all know, time goes very quickly here in Cambridge, so perhaps it’s worth bearing in mind things that will make your cooking experience speedier. Meat taking too long to cook? I’d advise vegetarian food instead, or perhaps do the gardeners a favour by chomping on some of the grass from Great Court. Easy and nutritious.

Following this advice will ensure that your diet here at College doesn’t negatively impact your health and wellbeing—we’ll leave that to the workload, the stress, and the Cindies foam party.