freshers’ Week dos A nd don’ts

Your Welfare Officer* presents some invaluable advice for the future

Do go to lectures.

Do be nice to the Bar staff.

Do make friends at other Colleges.

Don’t talk about your public school education.

Do get involved with access.

Do write for Travisty.

Do get to know the Porters.

Do lose your key, and get to know the Porters.

Don’t antagonise your Bedder.

Do write for Travisty.

Don’t stay in the department after 7 pm.

Don’t stay in Cindies after 2 am.

Do use protection.

Do do the right thing.

Don’t do your College parents.

Do try standup with Magpie.

Do pluralise do as dos.

Don’t pluralise don’t as don’t’s.

Do make friends with medics.

Don’t walk on the grass.

Don’t sit on the grass.

Don’t smoke the grass.

Do write for Travisty.

Do overeat at brunch.

Don’t modafinil.

Do restore Trinity to its rightful place at the top of the Tompkins Table.

Don’t work in the Bar.

Do write for Travisty.

Don’t eat the gluten-free food in the Bar.

Do go to 1TQ.

Don’t talk about the REDACTED in the Master’s Lodge.

Do go up the clock tower with Hugh Hunt.

Don’t engage Hugh Hunt in conversation.

Do go to TCSU Open Meetings—there’s pizza.

Don’t sign up for Wine Society tastings—they’re oversubscribed and I never get to go.

Do praise His Majesty the Bird.

Do write for Travisty.

Do, seriously, do be nice to the Bar staff.

Do go on swaps.

Don’t throw up in the street.

Don’t throw up in the Bar.

Don’t throw up in Freshers’ Formal.

Don’t use the staircase as a toilet. Didn’t think we had to spell that one out for you animals.

Do go to Franco Manca.

Don’t go to Curry King. *Jovan Powar, not at all associated with TCSU

Imagine going a day without fantasising about at least one murder, three acts of arson, and a couple counts of grievous bodily harm. Living without enemies is boring, and accordingly it is necessary that you’re well equipped to make some straight out of Freshers’ Week.

To start off, it is well known that you keep your friends close and enemies closer, so work towards making enemies of the people on your floor. This is achievable with a few easy moves such as leaving hair in the shower, leaving bad smelling stuff in the kitchen, and (my personal favourite) urinating on the rim of the communal toilet and not wiping it up repeatedly for an entire year even though you’d think its impossible to miss that badly, but no, somehow you miss over, and over, for an entire fucking year.

Having made enemies on your floor, if you really want a close enemy then who better than your Bedder? To get the person who empties your bins and makes your bed every day on the wrong side of you, be sure to leave passive aggressive notes about things that probably aren’t under their control. A favourite of mine is to complain about the age of the building or to question why you’ve been fined for projectile vomiting across the only staircase in the building. Now that you’ve got your close enemies, just as no shooting game