ECSTASY FOUND IN COLLEGE WATER SUPPLY

Water quality tests run by the Cambridge University Sanitation Society have detected ecstasy in the the water supply to Trinity College’s gyp rooms. This news follows the recent renovation of the College’s water network, which has allowed the College to move away from unfiltered Cam water for the first time since the College’s inception.

When announcing the renovations last June, the College stressed that the upgraded network would provide major health benefits to students, claiming that forecasts indicated a notable drop in rates of dysentery within College. While cases of dysentery are indeed at an all time low, this has already been overshadowed by widespread complaints of hallucinations and memory problems. Most worryingly, one particular student, who didn’t choose to remain anonymous but had troubles remembering her name, described how she actually enjoyed the music in Fez on Friday night.

Following questioning on Saturday, Jesse Davis, director of the Works Department, announced that the department would be conducting a thorough investigation to determine the source of the drug.

“Wait, did you say ecstasy? That can’t be right; we definitely ordered modafinil. Alex, you did order modafinil, right?

“Why would we even want to give our students ecstasy? The students aren’t meant to be having fun; they’re meant to be working. This won’t help us get back to the top of the Tompkins Table. We’ll obviously look into this.”

The WPR (Works Project Regulator), Alex Stewart, later contacted Travisty to offer an explanation.

“I asked Jamie Franklin, our intern, to order us modafinil, but he’s a bit inexperienced with dealers on the dark web. He accidentally clicked molly on the drop down list instead.

“This is typical Jamie: he’s always late for work, he never puts the right number of sugars in my coffee, and now he’s done this. Let’s just say he won’t be coming back next summer.

“We’ve ordered enough to last for a year, so I guess we’re stuck with this now. There’s no point in that money going to waste.”

CUSU’s welfare team was contacted, but declined to comment.

Kerem Ergene

MCDONALD’S REOPENS WITH ILLUMINATED DANCE FLOOR

Cambridge residents got a surprise when, after a long refurbishment over the summer, McDonald’s on Rose Crescent finally reopened, with an illuminated dance floor, inflatables, and disco balls, instead of the promised self-service kiosks.

Branch manager Dave Pocklington explained that the change was part of a nationwide effort to make Maccies trendier.

“We realised that people weren’t treating McDonald’s with the respect it deserves,” he told Travisty. “It shouldn’t just be a fast food outlet; it should be a way of life. And that way of life involves dancing through the night to ABBA and the Bee Gees.”

Students have expressed mixed views on the renovation. One second-year historian says that she “can’t wait” to experience the new McDonald’s, as she is already “bored stiff of all the Cambridge clubs”. However, a third-year classicist told us he would stage a boycott: “What was wrong with all the Mozart and Haydn they used to play? It’ll be Gardies for me from now on.”

Representatives of Vinyl Cambridge were contacted but were unavailable for comment.

Harry Metrebian

Travisty’s agony aunt returns to solve your most pressing concerns

Dear Aunty M,

I’ve met a man who’s perfect for me. Smart, handsome, funny. The only problem is that he goes to St John’s. Does true love really have no barriers? What shall I do?

Sufferer of unrequited love

Dear sufferer of unrequited love,

Dump him! Break it off with him immediately. He’s a member of the enemy. The opposition. Remember this is a war that we’re fighting. He’s just trying to use you to uncover Trinity secrets. He’s probably a Johnian spy. Remember that every battle we fight will help us win the war. Did Romeo and Juliet teach you nothing? Bad things happen when love sparks between warring factions.

Aunty M

Dear Aunty M,

I’ve heard rumours that you’re not the original Aunty M and are actually just a budget knock off. Is this true?

Dubious student

Dear dubious student, How dare you accuse me of being a cheap knock off! Oh, the insult. I’m the real thing. From my head to my toes. It’s not like anyone’s going to use machine learning to analyse every article’s writing and infer that I’m indeed one of the Editors trying to fill up space in the issue. To your question, I reply with a question: how dare you? Next you’ll accuse me of not being an actual Aunty.

Aunty M

I will answer your question: no. You cannot change. But do not fret, Trinity will soon fend of the Usurpers and reclaim its rightful position. There are rumours that the pure Part II Mathematics questions were made deliberately harder in an act of sabotage to knock Trinity from the top spot. The truth will be revealed as investigations continue.

Aunty

M

Dear Aunty M,

Dear Aunty M,

I just found out that Trinity isn’t top of the Tompkin’s Table anymore! Is it too late to change my College to Christ’s? I thought it was guaranteed that Trinity would remain in first for the eighth year running. I feel cheated.

Infuriated Fresher

Dear infuriated Fresher,

I was ever so surprised that a Fresher was aware of my existence before arriving at Trinity, let alone would send me a message. Nonetheless,

Every year I go home for the summer and then come back to discover some of my friends in the upper years have disappeared! What’s happened to them?

Concerned friend

Dear concerned friend,

Don’t worry yourself, your friends are okay! They’ve gone to live on a butterfly farm. They certainly haven’t graduated and been thrust out into the dangerous real world, that’s for sure.

Aunty M