COLLEGE DENIES EXISTENCE OF GREAT COURT SNIPER

Trinity College Cambridge has denied the existence of the legendary Great Court Sniper, in what appears to an effort to put Freshers at ease for the first few weeks of term.

The Great Court Sniper has been rumoured to exist since 1546, and was reportedly once a flourishing species evolved from Homo sapiens. Most easily recognised by their remarkable marksmanship and their apparent ability to stop ageing after reaching 20 years’ old, the Homo atriamaxima have greatly diminished in numbers recently, caused by both their frequent abduction for scientific trials and their susceptibility to involving themselves in international diplomatic disputes.

Famous past Great Court Snipers have supposedly included Gavrilo Princip, Mark David Chapman, and Lee Harvey Oswald. The only member of the species currently alleged to exist is Hazel Ashley.

“Did you seriously just ask me whether I exist? Admissions tests must have become far less stringent these days,” Hazel said, in an exclusive interview with Travisty. “I’ve been working for the College for over three centuries and this is how they repay me. Just look at the grass: would it really be that neat if I weren’t there to stop tourists and students walking over it willy-nilly?”

Kerem Ergene

Despite the claims issued by the College, Travisty can confirm that there is at least one surviving Great Court Sniper, Hazel Ashley. We would therefore advise all new students to avoid stepping on the grass: Great Court looks far less spectacular when the grass is red.

TRINITY DECLARES WAR ON ST JOHN’S tr Avisty e vent

Comrades, the promised day has finally come! Our great Trinity College has declared war on that bastion of evil, that stronghold of snobbery, that defender of privilege and the old guard, St John’s! Sound the trumpets! Beat the drums! Raise your voices, as at last we shall march to fight our sworn enemies!

How long shall we march? We shall march until our feet bleed, we shall march until we wear away the very ground beneath us, we shall march… oh. We’ll just walk down the road? Not even as far as Hong Kong Fusion? Okay then. Um.

Why do we hate them so? For their continued clinging to outdated tradition! For their outright refusal to work to improve equality! For their outrageous, gluttonous riches and wealth—

TRINITY DECLARES TRUCE WITH ST JOHN’S

Caroline Bassett

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Want to find out more?

Come along to our Freshers’ event:

7:30 pm Saturday 6th October Junior Parlour