Food & Drink

Cocktail Of The Week

Harry M. combats the week 8 depression with this holly, jolly cocktail

The Bridgemas Blockbuster (Serves 2)

Not suitable for vegetarians, vegans, or anyone else with a conscience

Ingredients:

-200ml red wine

-A Muller Corner yoghurt

-100g butter

-100ml brandy

-3 pigs in blankets

-2 sprigs of holly

-A partridge in a pear tree

Instructions:

(1) Pour the wine into a large bowl, empty the Muller yoghurt into the wine, and whisk until the ingredients are evenly mixed. Congratulations, you have made mulled wine!

(2) Place the butter in a roasting tin and heat it in the oven at low temperature until it has melted.

(3) Take the butter out of the oven, pour it into a small bowl and add the brandy. Leave the contents to cool down.

3 Ways To Improve Your Instant Noodles

1) Laoganma Crispy Chilli in Oil: honestly, if the CCP just exported this for free for a few months, we’d have a reverse opium war on our hands. This stuff is too addictive!

2) MSG: just more MSG, you can never have too much!

3) Crispy Pork: first buy a flattop cooker. Next marinate small pork belly cubes for 24 hours in honey, teriyaki, Chinese 5 spice and Prague Powder #1. Finally cook until a crispy outer layer forms. Serve atop noodles.

(4) Remove the blankets from the pigs, and then kill them if they are not already dead.

(5) Chop up the dead pigs into bacon and small sausages. Wrap a piece of bacon around each sausage and cook for 35 minutes at 190°C, or 190 minutes at 35°C if you have a deadline in the next couple of hours.

(6) The mixture in the small bowl should solidify into brandy butter. Just before the sausages are cooked, add this to the mulled wine in the large bowl.

(7) Throw the cooked sausages into the large bowl, along with a pear from the tree (and, optionally, the partridge).

(8) Use a pestle and mortar to crush the solid contents of the bowl until the mixture has the consistency of a mediocre homemade smoothie.

(9) Serve into 2 glasses, one for yourself and one for your partner, garnishing each one with a sprig of holly. If you don’t have a partner, that’s not a problem: just imagine you have one, pour a second glass anyway, then listen to “ceilings” by Lizzy McAlpine and weep.