This Week’s Headlines

We prefer the term “Faux News”

11,780 Mail-in votes for RON appear in the last hour of voting

The results of the TSCU Presidential (and others) election are in! RON has won by a landslide after being behind in the polls for the entire race. Candidates are claiming fraud; however, Travisty must stress that there is no evidence to support this ridiculous claim. In unrelated news, Travisty has been purchased by Gazprom for a pint and a packet of Monster Munch.

‘Build-a-Hotdog is Dead!’

Hustings came to a head when our Junior Steward candidate proudly declared an end to the era of Glizzys for Saturday lunch. Hands were immediately raised around the room; the silent majority provoked into a final defence of their favourite Frankfurter-based luncheon. The consequences of this bold statement are yet to be seen.

Trinity gym rebrands as a sauna

After facing criticism for the quality of ventilation at the gym, College has decided to rebrand the building as the Old Fields Sauna. 'We are excited to announce that the weights room in the gym is now legally a sauna. The temperature reaches 60C when in use, and it can even double up as a steam room when the rowers arrive,' a press statement reads. 'We are pleased to see the gym full of beefy, sweaty men, grunting away as they bend over, squat and get down on their hands and knees. We are also introducing a dark room where those more selfconscious about their bodies can get jacked anonymously.' [Editor: I think this is the wrong kind of sauna?]

Trinity College Football team to replace Argentina in Qatar World Cup

In a shocking turn of events, FIFA made the drastic decision to pull the South American team from the tournament. “We couldn’t just sit there and watch a country with such a rich history of football embarrass themselves like that”, a FIFA spokesperson said. With Trinity’s blazing record this term, our undefeated team was clearly the best replacement. Concerns were raised, however, once the team captain came to the realisation that all beer would have to be non-alcoholic, thus going against the club’s religious beliefs.

Sally spotted bricking up Whewell’s Cellars fire exits

During a riveting TCSU hustings on Tuesday, Trinity history was made. After 476 years of campaigning for the return of the Wolfson Party Room, all candidates agreed: allowing internationals to retain their belongings over the vac prevents the WPR from being used as a party space during Term Time. The new pledge: to convert the Whewell's Cellars into Trinity's bop venue. This writer was sure that such a novel idea which no other TCSU has ever pushed for will win over the College in an instant. However, an anonymous fellow called Willem told this paper that he saw the Master Professor Dame Sally Davies GCB DBE FRS FMedSci bricking up the fire exits to the Whewells' Cellars that night. When confronted with this accusation Sally responded: 'It is vital that we stop the spread of AMR, so remember to wear a condom.' She failed to account for the disparity between the desire for bareback relief amongst the Trinity community and its realisation. What's clear to this reporter is that - for now - all back passages are blocked.

Travisty to sue TrInfo over infringement on Caption CompetitionTM

“It’s no fair, we did it first!” - a Travisty Spokesperson

Cover photo bloopers

TV license goons kidnap unsuspecting fresher

“She only watched one episode of Poldark using her mum’s iPlayer account”, wailed one of her friends through tears. The student (yet to be identified) is believed to have been crossing over to Whewell’s when a white van (aerial attached) pulled onto the cobbles and swiped her away. College is providing their condolences; however, TVL.co.uk seem to be well above their authority.

St John’s targets civilian infrastructure, Trinity invokes Article 5

In response to numerous acts of aggression, including the deployment of a cannon on Fellows’ Bowling Green and attempts by the Travesty editors to smuggle in explosives, St John’s College has launched a pre-emptive strike on Trinity. An investigation confirmed that St. John’s covertly introduced changes to the Masterplan, converting the Wolfson party room into a pool effective immediately. To follow sustainability goals, the pool water had to be used lightly by the residents before. St. John's has continued to push the false justification that because the first Masters of Trinity were members of their college, they should maintain an overlordship on us. The Trinity Fellows were quick to respond (for once), instructing our powerful oar-driven fleet to ram any Lady Margaret vessel on sight. We will update you as reports of the first collisions continue to come in.

A huge thank you to Stephen, Katie, Monika, the Junior Bursar and Adrian for making this happen! This project was great fun and the result is something we are really proud of.