The Mainsbury’s Correspondence

Amy puts her own life on the line to provide you the hard-hitting, factual reporting you deserve

Caving to long-standing and increasing pressure to justify Travisty’s budget and at least masquerade as a respectable publication, we introduce our news correspondent: (just about a)live from Sainsbury's.

It’s 8.30pm and the busiest time in Sidney Street Sainsbury’s. The fairtrade (but non-organic) bananas have almost entirely flown off the shelves, there’s an eclectic range of puffer jackets present in the queue for the self-service checkouts, and the only oranges left are either bruised, a bit too yellow, or unreasonably expensive. But the fruit aisle is just a backdrop for the real story: tonight, having failed to develop a personality or coherent sense of humour I’m reporting from the Christmas Aisle.

It's a location that doesn’t always get the limelight. It’s located between the vodka and the aforementioned bananas, a motorway with junctions off to the assorted aisles of baked beans, bagels, and breakfast cereals. As a rule, people don’t take the motorway for the stunning roadside views, and the Christmas aisle is the longstanding victim of this.

But what a view! There’s every seasonal product the heart could desire: giant Ferrero Rochers filled with mini Ferrero Rochers, decorative napkins, and six different selection boxes of crackers. It’s a telling reminder that capitalism very much does breed innovation, and this is most evident in the Jacobs HQ. It’s worth lingering to fully appreciate the array, and the absence of trollies can be appreciated for preventing a Suez Canal sort of incident.

But the real story and reason for this reportage lies in the number of chocolate oranges that Sainsbury’s could be selling, were they not £1.95. Orange infused, enshrouding a flaky imitation of the white irritating centre string, and wrapped in enticing orange foil: what’s not to love – except of course for the fact that they cost nearly £2, and haven’t been on sale once in the last seven weeks. They could be flying off the shelves, but instead they’re self-consciously positioned on the bottom one, while the three types of effectively identical shortbread take all the eye-level glory.

It remains to be seen whether Sainsbury’s will rectify this travesty in some capacity: the people want chocolate oranges, and they want them to be on sale. But until then we can rely on the fact that the aisle will annex more of the floorspace, and they might introduce some festive cheese to go with the array of crackers. It's a story (and section) that continues to develop.