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LOS ANGELES TIMES SUNDAY CROSSWORD PUZZLE “CALL UP” By TONY CARUSO and C.C. BURNIKEL ACROSS 1 Club alternatives 5 Word often after an “-er” word 9 Adjusted to fit, as a ring 14 Future doc’s hurdle 18 Mark replacement 19 Upbeat greeting 20 One’s due 22 Going rate 23 Sweet Sixteen org. 24 Jacob’s brother 25 Unexpected attack 26 Pot builder 27 Distressed ones in some fairy tales 29 Sun, for one 31 Pale green glaze that originated in China 33 Adoption candidate, maybe 35 Antonio’s love 37 Timeline divs. 38 Seminole rivals, in college sports 40 Simpson trial judge 41 Signature Obama legis. 42 James played by Beyoncé in “Cadillac Records” 44 “Mr. Blue Sky” rock gp. 45 Inventor who had his ups and downs 47 Victory wreaths 50 Wall St. debuts 53 PGA leaders, say 55 Whacked at, as left field 56 Stuck 58 Slangy meeting 59 Bug with bounce 61 Requirements 63 EWR alternative 64 Summer temp, maybe 66 Sch. with the
mascot Sparty 67 Sup at home 69 1862 Tennessee battle site 72 Luanda is its cap. 74 Minor issue 75 Ric of The Cars 76 “Who wants cake?” eager reply 77 Polite title 78 Easy, in ads 80 “That’s so cute!” 81 Slide organisms 84 Take suddenly 85 Pickable do 89 Second-marriage relationship 91 “Et __?”: “And then what?” 93 Awesome 95 Hindu festival of love 96 Detective’s promising discovery 98 Fly high 99 Cold rocks 100 Jeans name 102 Racing Unsers 103 Hoppy brew, briefly 105 Seedy company? 107 Nest egg initials 109 Words of comfort 111 Music genre big in China 113 Mastered 115 Box with openings 118 Pet rabbits’ homes 121 Not at one’s desk 122 Like some revenue, as parking fines 124 Café additive 126 Stimulating nut 127 German gent 128 Blessing elicitor 129 Civil rights activist Guinier 130 Baseball’s Slaughter 131 Cookie that’s customizable 132 Dog-__ pages
133 Type of prof. 134 Teller’s stack DOWN 1 Compromise 2 Hatchet man __ Brasi of “The Godfather” 3 Amusement park pickup areas 4 In order that one may 5 Cooper classic 6 __ fit 7 “Take on Me” band 8 Snickers ingredient 9 Vocal improv 10 Hogwarts librarian __ Pince 11 Striped walkways 12 School URL ender 13 Summer songs? 14 Movie-rating org. 15 Sweet snacks on sticks 16 Stage figure 17 Many new drivers 21 “Absolutely!” 28 Fact-checker’s find 30 Vodka nickname 32 Rent 34 Lead-in to gender 36 Astronaut Jemison 38 Receives 39 Sunburn-soothing balm 41 Halloween is in it 43 “Whether __ nobler ... ”: Hamlet 46 Wight, e.g. 48 20s dispenser 49 Cap 51 __ Boogie: “The Nightmare Before Christmas” villain 52 Won a Razzie Award, say 54 Lover’s suffix 55 Best Actor role for Anthony Hopkins
57 Kobe-based shoe company 60 Remove entirely 62 Personal teacher 65 “Enough, Jorge!” 68 __ cavity 69 Huge success 70 Strictly follow 71 “That’s not news to me” 73 Fox’s quest in a fable 79 Burkina __ 82 “Blueprint for a Sunrise” artist 83 Laundry brand 86 Motorola Razr, e.g., and a hint to each set of circles 87 Political battle 88 First Black NHL player Willie __ 90 March 14 food 92 Official proclamation 94 Blow 97 Road crew supply 98 Honshu honorific 101 Big shot, briefly 104 Dish from Valencian for “frying pan” 106 __ Mortgage: Quicken brand 107 Oregon Trail state 108 Crew member 110 Yom Kippur verb 112 Wheat __: cracker brand 114 “Stoned Soul Picnic” songwriter Laura 116 Level 117 Canned 119 Tech mogul Musk 120 Lip 123 Org. with annual Jazz Master Awards 125 Small batteries
THEY BLOW UP SO FAST I’m a man in my 30s, and I’m looking to settle down and start a family. I was falling in love with the woman I’ve been seeing for six months, who seems lovely, intelligent and kind. Recently, I arrived at her place early and overheard her arguing with her mother on the phone. She was yelling, swearing, and being very nasty. I’m close to my parents and can’t conceive of speaking to them this way. She never mentions her parents, beyond saying she isn’t close with her mother. She’s only been sweet and doting to me, and she seems well-liked by her friends and co-workers. Could she have hidden anger issues? — Shocked “Till death do us part” tends to come earlier than expected if your wife’s idea of marital compromise is either you say, “Yes, Dear” or she garrotes you with the wire on a cat toy. It’s understandable you’re worried there’s a rage-filled, profanity-spewing lady monster just under the sweet girlfriend veneer. However, because someone expresses anger in an ugly way at another person doesn’t necessarily mean: 1) They are out of control; or 2) They will express themselves this way with everyone. (To be fair, it can mean one or both of these things.) Anger often gets a bum rap, demonized as a “toxic,” “negative” emotion. Aristotle knew better, suggesting only fools never get angry (though he didn’t get into the subject of screaming a string of profanities at Mom). Our emotions, including so-called negative emotions like anger, are our protectors: motivating us to act in ways that make us more likely to survive, mate and pass on our genes. For example, anger surges in us when we perceive that another person is treating us unfairly: shorting us on what we feel entitled to – whether money, love, respect or our fair share of cake. Anger seems to function as a bargaining tool to incentivize better treatment, explains evolutionary psychologist Aaron Sell and his colleagues. “Acts or signals of anger” communicate that unless the other person mends their unfair ways, we might “inflict costs” (maybe go all screaming maniac on them) or “withdraw benefits” (possibly exile them from our circle of friends). This suggests it might be in their interest to “recalibrate” their behavior in our favor: stop being so disrespectful, stingy and/or cake-hoggy.
Anger as a selective “Hey, don’t do me like that!” tool is different from anger as a way of being: “high trait anger,” a chronically angry disposition. People with this disposition have “a short fuse,” flying into a rage at the slightest provocation, explains evolutionary social psychology researcher Julie Fitness. They see the world and others in narrow terms – “right” or “wrong” – and are grievance hunters, ever on the lookout for “apparent injustice.” They are quick to lash out and blame others when things don’t go perfectly, and in relationships they create a “climate of fear and loathing, with anger or the threat of it serving to intimidate and control” their partner. If your girlfriend were this sort of person, wouldn’t you know? One could argue she might be a scaryexplody person who’s managed to hide her true nature. That seems unlikely, given how the chronically angry tend to see a sick plot against them if the diner gives them three less raisins on their oatmeal than the guy at the next table. You’re shocked – partly because you wouldn’t talk to your parents this way. Consider the possibility that your girlfriend has a different sort of parent: unloving and toxic. And consider a reason people jack up the volume and ugliness: They repeatedly perceive they aren’t being heard. (This is especially painful if you’re speaking to your parent and they have a history of being physically present but emotionally vacant.) If your girlfriend feels like an unloved daughter (or some shade of that), she might be ashamed of it and see it as something to hide. She might suspect there was something wrong with her, unlovable about her (rather than understanding her mother as broken: unwilling or unable to be loving in the way every kid needs from their mother). To encourage your girlfriend to open up to you, ask about her mom in a way that suggests she should redirect any shame she might be feeling. Tell her you feel bad her mom seems to be a continuing source of pain for her and that she deserved – and deserves – better. Getting her to talk about her relationship with her mother – plus observing, over a few months, how she reacts in tough situations – should help you figure out whether there are any big red flags. As the saying goes: “Love is never having to scream, ‘I will end you! And then bury you in 36 pieces in a shallow grave!’”
GOT A PROBLEM? Write to Amy Alkon at 171 Pier Ave, Ste. 280, Santa Monica, CA 90405, or email her at AdviceAmy@aol.com. ©2021, Amy Alkon, all rights reserved. Alkon’s latest book is “Unf*ckology: A Field Guide to Living with Guts and Confidence.” Follow @amyalkon on Twitter or visit blogtalkradio.com/amyalkon.
JULY 1, 2021 THE ARGONAUT PAGE 19
