1 The Wind Farm – Issue 103
London, Paris, New York, Swalecliffe.
2 The Wind Farm – Issue 103
London, Paris, New York, Swalecliffe.
“Dude- Where’s my pub?!” Frustration as The Old Neptune goes missing. Customers and staff alike where left stranded last week when The Old Neptune pub disappeared again – and wound up in Folkestone. The popular pub is said to have gone to Folkestone for the auditions for the role of King Neptune in the Folkestone Mermaid Festival, after reading about it on Facebook. Landlord Darren Wilton told The Wind Farm, “I arrived to open the pub only to find that it wasn’t there. Satch and that bloke that always stands by the side of the bar were waiting for a drink – and an explanation. I didn’t know what to tell them!”. Wilton described how he drove around Whitstable looking for the 300 year old weatherboard pub and was about to give up the search when he received a call from Keith Holland, landlord of Googies cafe bar in Folkestone. “Keith said that my pub was sitting at one of his tables and had come to audition for the role of King Neptune. He seemed very upset apparently”. King Neptune, yesterday An embarrassed Wilton drove to Googies to collect his pub, after staying for a coffee at the popular haunt for local arstits. “I was a bit embarrassed to be honest”, said Darren, “But it was a simple misunderstanding. My pub thought that he’d be ideal to play the part of King Neptune, because he’s called The Old Neptune. He’s a silly old sausage at times!”. Festival organiser Di Burns said, “I wouldn’t want to be the one that made a beard and a wig big enough for a pub, and it would be a nightmare doing the body paint!”. The part was ironically given to another Whitsablite after all, when organisers failed to attract local men for the role. Co-organiser, Kay Mcloughlin said, “We asked the rugby club and the Ghurkas but none of them were interested. Perhaps they were scared of having their body painted by me! LOL!! We asked Andy Capon in the end because we were that fucking desperate. Lol!!. Mind you, from what I hear, he’s got a huge trident! Lol!! Nyaaah Haa! Ha!”.
3 The Wind Farm – Issue 103
London, Paris, New York, Swalecliffe.
Man with rare facial disorder hired to clear pubs. A local man with a ‘withering side glance’ has landed an unusual job – clearing pubs at chucking out time. Lionel Phryyng, of Walmer Road, was offered the position in The Peter Cushing pub after walking in at 12.03 am last week – and clearing the entire pub. “I can’t help how I was born”, said the 33 year old, “I have a rare gentic disorder which means I can only look sideways. As a result, I’ve never passed my driving test and have to sit to the left of a stage whenever I got to a gig”. Phryyng – ‘deadly’ But now, local pubs are queuing up to hire Lionel. Kevin Gibnel, landlord of The Fictional Arms in Albert Street said, “I’d hire Lionel in an instant. All my regulars want to do at closing time is have another drink or fight me”. “It’s ironic really” said Phryyng, “I was barred from most pubs in town for clearing the customers out as soon as I walked in at 7pm, and now they’re paying me to clear customers as soon as I walk in – at midnight!. I just wish I could get a girlfriend instead of scaring them away”. A customer at The Dukes, who asked to remain nameless, told The Wind Farm, “Phryyng walked up to me when I was trying to charm the barmaid into another drink. He gave me this deadly sideways glance and I just started crying. I left immediately and had nightmares for days afterwards”. Pete ‘Hard-as-fuckin-nails’ Headcase, a regular at The Neppy said, “I was about to start a fight with Darren after 17 pints of lager when Phryyng stood beside me and gave me...that look. I drank up immediately, shook Darren’s hand and became a West Ham supporter immediately”. The landlord of The Royal Naval Reserve said, “We hired Phryyng to clear the drinkers at 11pm last Friday, but he ‘phoned in sick. Luckily, Greg Wallace walked in and the pub cleared in seconds flat”. Pub Fact #14: The word ‘Barred’ originated from the early days of pubs, when a landlord had the right to cave your head in with an iron bar if you caused trouble. These days, though, it simply means that you’ve been banned from drinking there anymore. The words ‘Banned’ and ‘Barred’ are obviously similar. Ironically, pubs often hire a ‘Band’ to play in their pub. A ‘Band’ is usually a group of musicians who perform live music in pubs. Unless a member is barred – and then they’re banned!
4 The Wind Farm – Issue 103
London, Paris, New York, Swalecliffe.
....Hello, hello. What’s Wallace up to this week then, eh? Cooking roast potatoes by the looks of things. Or is he? Wallace isn’t known for his cooking skills. Are they his potatoes? He looks a bit panicked, doesn’t he? Perhaps he popped round his neighbour’s last Sunday and stole them? They look perfectly cooked, don’t they? Not too crispy, good colour, probably soft in the middle if they were boiled first. They were probably cooked in lard, or better still, goose fat. Are YOU a local retailer who sold Wallace goose fat? But hang on. The proof is right there in the photo! Look closely. Wallace is using his left hand to take the roasting tray out of the oven. Everyone knows that left handed people are apostates of Hell. Lefties are evil, and most likely to steal YOUR roast potatoes on a Sunday. Check your kitchen. Are there cloven hoof prints on YOUR kitchen floor? Check your roasting tray. Is it missing? Come on Wallace. Tell us where you were? And where you got the goose fat.
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Overheard by a London couple in Harbour Street.
5 The Wind Farm – Issue 103
London, Paris, New York, Swalecliffe.
Knobs R Us - local business shafted by Council bureaucrats. A Folkestone businessman claims he has been victimised by the local council, to the point where his bespoke cupboard and drawer handle business has been forced into liquidation. Charlie Horse, 38, of Shorncliffe Road Folkestone set up his unique business just a year ago, after winning a local enterprise competition aimed at small businesses. Charlie told us: "It all started when I was at school and I used to make knobs out of - well anything really. In art, textiles, metalwork - even cookery - I was always shaping knobs out of various materials. Big knobs, small knobs, round knobs, lopsided knobs - I just couldn't leave them alone. Of course when I left school and college, knobs had to take a bit of a back seat, so to speak. So I became a forensic scientist - more as a way of paying the mortgage if I'm honest. But my heart still yearned for knobs." Charlie began sketching and sculpting his knobs in his spare time, keeping his hobby secret from his family and work colleagues. This continued for many years, until one day last Summer when Charlie spotted a small article in a specialist fetish publication which he says changed his life. He explained: "Shepway District Council were apparently looking to invest the vast profits of their new car parking policy in small businesses just starting up in Folkestone by running a competition. The article clearly stated that the Council were looking to support new and emerging minority interest schemes. I grabbed the opportunity, putting together a Business Plan which expressed my passion for knobs and my plans for absolute knob world domination. When I heard that I'd won the competition, I quit my job and out came the knobs - this time, they meant business." At first, the knobs were a huge success, with a huge, throbbing list of back orders which Charlie was struggling to fill. His problems really started, however, with the launch of his new website, www.knobsrus.com. A knob, yesterday. Within days the site had attracted thousands of visitors, although sales were disappointing. To make matters worse, Charlie claims that certain Shepway councillors set out to sabotage the company fake orders were received and damning reviews posted on consumer websites criticising the quality and structural integrity of Charlie's knobs. "It was heartbreaking" he told us. Eventually it all became too stressful and Charlie decided to call it a day. Our reporter contacted Shepway District Council but was refused an interview. We did however receive a telephone call from a well spoken man who refused to give his name. He said "That Charlie is lucky he got out with any knobs left at all. You lot don't know who you're dealing with - take my advice and leave this matter alone. Shepway Council has cornered the market in knobs - know what I mean?" One of Charlie's customers, knob collector Francis Bacon spoke to us "It's criminal what those council knobs are getting away with. Charlie is a real knob expert - and I should know. No-one else has ever handled mine so carefully before - it's a tragedy." Has Charlie - or any local Councillor handled your knob? Contact the Wind Farm with any information on 0800 FUCKWIT99. With Folkestone Correspondent Allison E.
6 The Wind Farm – Issue 103
London, Paris, New York, Swalecliffe.
Counterpoint With Col. M Farquar – Ladygarden (retd)
Glenn Miller’s body ‘could be in Bullockstone’ A builder has made an astonishing claim that Glenn Miller’s remains are not at the bottom of the English channel as commonly believed – but in a back garden in Bullockstone. Bill Clay claims that the clues are all there and is working through the night to dig out the Cesena plane that was carrying Miller and Buddy Holly when it crashed. Glenn Miller, yesterday. “I was digging a ditch for wall foundations when I found a Little Brown Jug. I thought nothing of it until the following day – when I found a String Of Pearls. It was then that I convinced myself that Miller’s plane is down there somewhere”. A spokesman for the Glenn Miller Appreciation Society told The Wind Farm, “We’re not taking his claims too seriously. No missing musician has ever been found in Kent. He sounds like a bit of a cunt, to be honest”.