1 The Wind Farm – Issue 108
2 The Wind Farm – Issue 108
Stray Vicar problem reaching crisis point in Whitstable. New units set up to catch wandering clergymen. Canterbury council admitted this week that the problem of stray vicars was getting out of control after another tourist was bitten by one. Whitstable and East Kent have seen an alarming rise in the number of stray vicars since the hardon collider disproved the existence of God, putting thousands of vicars out of work. “Without a regular wage to pay the mortgage on their vicarage, they have been forced to sleep rough”, said Cllr Marjory Barjory of the newly formed Vicar Snatching Unit. Stray vicars have been seen rummaging through bins, chasing other stray vicars and one was recently spotted on that raised seating area outside Prezzos, delivering a sermon. But action was taken after a small child was bitten by one. Cressida Holmes-Yoyo, from Thetford, was visiting Whitstable on a day trip with her husband when they stopped to feed a stray vicar on west beach. “We felt sorry for him. He looked so tired and hungry, and was even gnawing away at his bible. Our daughter, Pixie Applejuice, offered him a sandwich and he bit her on the finger before barking quotes from Exodus at my husband. It was terrifying”. Barjory – ‘Vicious’ The attack was reported and police were quickly on the scene where the vicar was rounded up, using improvised crabbing nets. Sgt Harold Par Boil said, “Our holding facilities, or ‘cells’ as they were once known are full of stray vicars. We just don’t know what to do with them”. Cllr Marjory Barjory has issued an emergency number, 0845 – VICAR – 7654 and has warned the public NOT to approach stray vicars. “They can be quite vicious at times, especially when they’re hungry. If you see a stray, call the above number and we’ll send a team to round him – or her – up”. Sgt Par Boil added, “We can’t have stray vicars roaming the streets of Whitstable. Not with the Oyster Festival approaching”.
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Jamie Cullum ‘A threat to marshland wildlife’ Fears as Jazzer announces local concert Wildlife experts expressed fears this week of a ‘mass exodus’ of birds from Seasalter marshes after Jamie Cullum announced a local concert. One time Goodie, and now world renowned ornithologist Bill Oddie, told The Wind Farm, “This could be a disaster for Seasalter marshes. It is home to Britain’s largest variety of birds, and none of them like Cullum. In fact, I heard only yesterday that some marshland pelicans had moved to Sheppey to get away from him”. When The Wind Farm pointed out there are no pelicans living in Seasalter marshes, Oddie replied, “Exactly!”. The outdoor concert is due to take place at Mount Ephraim gardens, just a few miles away. A farmer living nearby said, “The terrain between Boughton and Seasalter is flat, so the sound will travel quicker because there aren’t any hills in the way. Whereas I’m not clued up on birds, I do not that I lost four sheep last week. They drowned themselves after hearing about the concert, and some of my cattle went on a stampede through Dunkirk. He needs to be stopped”. Cullum, yesterday. “Shorebirds” Ironically, the most vociferous opposition came from Level 42’s keyboardist, Mike Lindupp. A keen bird watcher, who once spent his royalty cheque for ‘Livin’ it up’ on a pair of diamond encrusted binoculars, Lindupp told us, “I am greatly concerned that Cullum could have such an effect on wildlife, and I shall ask him to play somewhere else where he’s less of a threat to birdlife. Perhaps somewhere like Bradford, where there are no shorebirds”. Cullum was unavailable for comment, but a source close to the funny looking little singer said, “Jamie has pledged to give 99p for every ticket sold to the RSPCB”. But a spokesman for the RSPCB said, “He can shove his money up his arse. Or play somewhere else, like Bradford”.
4 The Wind Farm – Issue 108 We thought they died out in the 90s, with the arrival of ‘Britpop’. Bands like Oasis, Blur and that band that had one hit with ‘King of the kerb’ saw off the ‘Gothic’ movement. Suddenly, music loves abandoned their black clothes and mascara and started wearing colourful tracksuit tops, like Damon Allbran. Or did they...? Take a close look at the picture on the left. It’s a Goth! Yes, it seems the men (and women) in black are back, and looking more miserable than ever. Several Goths have been spotted in town recently, including this man who was seen passing the Pearson’s wall last Sunday. A witness said, “It was the hottest day of the year, and yet he was dressed from head to foot in black. He scared my kids”. If YOU see a Goth in town, send in your picture and tells us your experience. Did one walk past your Bau-house? Did you see one walk past two nuns, who instantly forgave them for looking so miserable? We may not be able to Cure Whitstable of the problem, but we’re on a Mission to make them feel uncomfortable enough so they end up somewhere like Herne Bay where they’ll go unnoticed.
“We’re gonna bake you a caa-ya-ya-yake” David Essex to open pie and liquor cake shop. Local pop star David Essex announced this week that he is to take over the Tapas bar in harbour street and turn it into a cake shop for Londoners. Essex, real name David Sussex, told The Wind Farm, “Yes, I have bought the tapas bar with the money I earned from Eastenders. And I’m turning it into a restaurant for Eastenders! Although, visitors from other areas of London can come too”. The eatery will be called ‘Ev-eater’ and will combine the charm of a typical tea room with the traditional east end cafes that sell pie and mash and jellied eels in liquor. “But the real surprise is, I’ll be combing the two foods – cakes and eels! I’m training a chef how to make eel cakes as we speak. Although it’s not a surprise anymore as I’ve told you”. On the menu will be:
Rock (on) Cakes: Traditional rock cakes with eels inside them.
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Silver Cream Machine cake: Traditional cream cakes that replace cream with liquor. And have an eel inside them. Eddie Moon Cakes: A variation on the traditional Chinese favourite, this cake will replace red Azuki beans with mashed potato. The Chinese pattern that normally adorns the pastry top will be replaced with a picture of his Eastenders character after which the cake is named. And will have an eel in it somewhere.
“I think it will work”, said the star of That’ll be the day and Stardust (The one with Ringo Starr, not the one with Robert De Niro), “And I’ll have a piano in the corner with someone playing those cockney knees-up songs that everyone finds annoying, except for cockneys”. Asked if he’ll be performing any of his hits there, Essex said, “I don’t think so”. Ev-eater is expected to open in Autumn. Five things you never knew about Eels and Whitstable. 1. Whitstable’s waters used to be home to the largest eel colony in the world. At one point, Whitstable was going to be re-named Whitstab –eel because of it. 2. Pensioner Albert Reynolds, of Walmer Road, died after trying to give his electric eel a bath. His widow said the the 74 year old was ‘Flapping like a fish’ on the bathroom floor before finally he did. NEVER bathe an electric eel. 3. Despite their association with Whitstable, the library does not contain any books about eels. Gatefield sounds, however, still have an old copy of The Eels album, Daisies of the galaxy. 4. Eels have massive cocks. The biggest eel cock ever discovered belonged to a Whitstable eel. It was actually three times the length of the eel itself, and is preserved in a jar of ether in Whitstable museum. 5. A survey of local eels found that their favourite local band is Keely’s Heros.
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7 The Wind Farm – Issue 108
8 The Wind Farm – Issue 108
9 The Wind Farm – Issue 108
10 The Wind Farm – Issue 108
Two hours and one spit roast later....
Pics by Katy Windsor
Meet Parallel Parking Man and Sweary Seagull at The Wind Farm Summer Collection 2012 book launch. Tonight, at Keam’s Yard Studio Gallery, Whitstable, 5pm!