1 The Wind Farm – Issue 101. The Truth, The Half Truth and Anything But The Truth.
2 The Wind Farm – Issue 101. The Truth, The Half Truth and Anything But The Truth.
Rescue attempt underway up traffic warden’s arse. The rescue team who freed the Chilean miners last year have been drafted into Whitstable after a local traffic warden stuffed his entire job up his arse this week. Bob Baraclough, who made headlines last year after shoving 86 parking tickets and a parking meter up his arse is said to be ‘comfortable’ but fears are growing for his colleagues trapped in his bum. The drama began on Tuesday after a furious motorist confronted Baraclough as he ticketed his car. A witness told The Wind Farm that Baraclough told the motorist that he was ‘Just doing my job’ – and the motorist said, “You can stick your job up your arse mate’. Baraclough is said to have returned to the traffic warden’s office in Albert Street and shoved 6 colleagues and their desks up his arse before collapsing. Witness, Claire Pickles, said “It was pure luck that I didn’t get shoved up their as well. I was out getting lunch from Dave’s Deli and I returned just as Bob collapsed. I heard muffled screaming from his arse and then realised what he’d done”. Baraclough – ‘Comfortable’ Emergency services were called in immediately, and Albert Road was cordoned off with residents asked to stay indoors for their own safety. Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police said, “It soon became clear that there was little that the local fire brigade could do, and a decision was made to call in the team that rescued the Chilean miners. It’s in God’s hands now”. The rescure team are due to arrive on Friday, but Baraclough’s arse is under constant supervision from local fire and emergency teams. Paramedics are on standby. Spirits were lifted last night, though, after signs of life were found in Baraclough’s arse after a special camera was inserted.
3 The Wind Farm – Issue 101. The Truth, The Half Truth and Anything But The Truth.
Tsunami Cack-Cam operator Rory Findus said, “We have managed to identify all of Baraclough’s colleagues, and they all look to be in good spirits. One of them held up a note that said, “Please send food and water. And some Dettol”. A special light is being inserted as well as a small TV and some provisions. But there are fears of a race against time now after it was revealed that Baraclough ate a Vindaloo on the night before the incident. Findus said, “We need to get Baraclough’s colleagues out of his arse before the vindaloo reaches them, it could be disastrous if that happens. No-one who has ever been trapped up someone’s arse has ever survived a Vindaloo tsunami”. Families of the trapped workers are said to be in good spirits and are being comforted by local vicar Ken Docherty-Schmockerty. “We are praying for their safe return from Mr Baraclough’s backside. We are also praying that he had a Korma, and not a Vindaloo”.
Whitstable’s ugliest landmarks named! In issue 94 of The Wind Farm, the block of flats in Belmont Road was named as Whitstable’s 7th ugliest landmark, provoking fury from its residents and the public alike, who wanted to know what the others were after they’d calmed down. We invited Kevin McLoud of Channel 4’s Grand Designs, for a leisurely stroll around Whitstable to see if he could identify the others. First off was the old pumping station in Gorrell tank car park, as McLeod explained. “It’s hideous. With its straight lines everywhere, and not a hint of cow poo being used to cement it together, it reminds us of a time when builders were bad men. Naughty men. It is definitely NOT a thing of beauty”. McLoud – ‘Nasty Men’ The Hotel Continental also came under criticism from McLoud. “It’s a hideous building. With straight lines everywhere, and not the merest hint of hemp being used to hold it together. It takes us back to a time when hotel builders were nasty men. Silly men. It is definitely NOT a thing of beauty”.
4 The Wind Farm – Issue 101. The Truth, The Half Truth and Anything But The Truth.
Other landmarks included that alley off of Harbour Street with the bin bags piled up and dog shit everywhere, Janet Street-Porter, the empty building above the Scope charity shop and, perhaps surprisingly of all, The Old Neptune pub. “It’s too wonky”, Mcloud said, “And it gives the user a sense of nausea...of panic...of...impending doom, perhaps, as the floor is clearly sinking. I imagine the pub would have disappeared into its shingle foundation next time I arrive”. But he saved his most scathing criticism for the Horsebridge Centre. “There is no sign of either a horse or a bridge in this building, which in turn resembles an upturned boat. I expected to bump into Gene Hackman at one point. Its post-modern spin evokes memories of a time when shipbuilders were strong men, big, honest men with big, big hands. Like dustbin lids. This is NOT a thing of beauty”.
Wine Wankers to get their own wanky little wine bar.
Wild ‘Black Panther’ spotted again in Harbour Street area.
Local wine wankers were celebrating this week after it was announced that a new wine bar was to open just for them.
Police received dozens of calls last week after a ‘large black cat, possibly a small panther’ was spotted roaming the alleys around Harbour Street.
The bar in Oxford Street will cater for the boring wine toffs that whinge about the quality of wine in local pubs, including those that serve wine from a bottle that was opened over two hours ago.
The cat, described as the size of an average cat, was seen sniffing around bins around the back of Jones’ Fish and Chip shop.
Tess Tickle, owner of The Nyah Nyah Nyah, Yadda Yadd Yadda Wine Bar, said “I am looking forward to many wine wanker evenings. All are welcome here, even those who like Merlot”. Tickle claims that she will be doing the town a favour by attracting wanky wine types away from other pubs where they might get glassed by other people waiting at the bar whilst they inspect the wine labels. “Here, they will be free to sniff as many glasses as they like, and talk about getting hints of Strawberry and the occasional whiff of mustard gas from the older bottles. We’ll even have a bucket for them to spit their tasters into, which will then be given to that homeless bloke who lives on the beach.” The homeless bloke who lives on the beach said, “Aaaaaah ff-fuggin love w-whine bars, me...they’re doin’ fu-fug...wonders for th-the fuc...homeless d-drunk community...they are”.
A witness said, “It was a wild looking beast, and unusually for a feral panther, had a little bell around its neck”. Sgt Harold Par Boil said, “We would advise members of the public not to approach it, in case it is a small panther. Call us and we’ll dispatch a blunderbuss marksman to deal with it”.
The funny things people say about Whitstable #37
“I went to Sundae Sundae to buy an ice cream – on Thursday! Why don’t they call it Thursday Thursday instead?! Lol! “ – J. Callum, London
5 The Wind Farm – Issue 101. The Truth, The Half Truth and Anything But The Truth.
Average person swallows FIVE water Buffaloes during lifetime – Professor Flake. They say that the average person swallows five spiders whilst asleep during their lifetime. No-one knows whether this is true or not or just an urban myth made up by children. But now, Professor Eugene Flake of the University Of West Tankerton is set to dispel this legend by revealing what an average person does actually swallow whilst asleep... “During their lifespan, an average person will swallow at least five Water Buffaloes whilst sleeping”, he said Flake claims that remains of water Buffaloes were found in the stomachs of every corpse that was donated to the University for organ donation and research. He also claims that his research has shed new light on water Buffaloes, about which very little is known. A water buffalo, yesterday “They appear to have eight legs, rather than the four which they were previously thought to have, and like spiders, we found that they have the capacity to spin webs as well. Some had fangs as well”.
Counterpoint With Col. M. Farquar – Ladygarden (Retd)
Dear Sweary. Do you think it’s wise to fall in love? Isn’t it better to just love instead, because when something falls, it always gets broken. T. Swift, America. Sweary Says – Honestly, Taylor. I really think that you should just shut the fuck up when going out in public. And don’t record any more albums whilst you’re at it. Dear Sweary – Any news on the new Wind Farm annual? – G. Stevens, Whitstable. Sweary Says – The Wind Farm Summer Collection 2013 will be available at the end of July hopefully, priced £11.99 Dear Sweary – I’ve lost a lot of friends because I voted UKIP. What can I do? – H. Ramsden, Folkestone Sweary Says – Count me amongst them, y’cunt.