1 The Wind Farm – Issue 107
London, New York, Paris, Swalecliffe
2 The Wind Farm – Issue 107
London, New York, Paris, Swalecliffe
Whitstable man sectioned after threatening global domination Man planned on taking over the world – with flying spiders. A resident of Tower Parade was arrested last week after threatening to take over the world by using flying spiders. Or Flyders, as he called them. Douglas Satchell, a retired postman, is alleged to have sent ‘threatening letters’ to Downing Street, in which he promised to unleash a biblical plague of flying tarantulas on the world unless his demands were met. Satchell even promised a ‘demonstration of my awesome powers’ by unleashing the flyders on an unsuspecting public last week. Among the victims of the attack, which took place on Tower Parade, was Harry Stott, who told The Wind Farm, “I was sitting outside Mr Chips enjoying my lunch, when this blessed great spider landed on my table. I surmised that it had flown there, as it clearly had wings.I was terrified”. Another victim was passer-by Helen Crane, who said “I was walking to the bus stop when a tarantula landed on my head. It had wings and I was terrified at the thought that spiders could now fly, so I called the police.” A tarantula, yesterday Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police said, “We arrived on the scene promptly and found several tarantulas on Tower Parade, all of them dead. Witnesses pointed to a nearby balcony and said they’d flown from there”. A subsequent raid discovered Satchell with his army of flying spiders in the living room of his rented flat – and it soon became clear that the threat was less terrifying than initially feared. “We found about twenty tarantulas, all of which had wings that were made out of paper and crudely stapled on to their backs. It seems that they bled to death before they left Mr Satchell’s flat, and he had simply thrown them at people from his balcony”. Mr Satchell has since been sectioned under the mental health act, and the surviving tarantulas have been re-housed, or squashed. “The town, and indeed the world, are safe from flying spiders now”, said Sgt Par Boil, “We can’t have that sort of thing going in Whitstable”.
3 The Wind Farm – Issue 107
London, New York, Paris, Swalecliffe
Ronnie Rumball’s flying car to be used in new James Bond film Local businessman Ronnie Rumball’s career looks set to take off – with his new flying car. Rumball was spotted by James Bond star Daniel Craig in Whitstable last week and was immediately offered an ‘undisclosed’ sum for his car. The new bond film is said to be a low budget affair, as a result of Adele’s catering bill for the last one. The film is to be a remake of The Man With The Golden Gun, and shooting will take place on the isle of Sheppey in August. Speaking from The Old Neptune, Craig told The Wind Farm, “It reminded me of Scaramanga’s car in the original The Man With The Golden Gun, and I asked Mr Rumball if he’d be interested in selling it. He said yes. I’ve saved production costs, and will probably be offered a role in the next one as a reward”. Mr Rumball, 33, said, “Between you me and everyone who reads The Wind Farm, it doesn’t fly at all! It’s just a clapped out escort with a model plane on top. It doesn’t even have wings! Lol!!”. Another regular, local chef Christopher Lee, (Right) was less happy. “I would have liked to have been asked to play Scaramanga, seeing as my name is Christopher Lee. I even have a third nipple, which would save the make up department a few quid”.
Five Things You Never Knew About Whitstable and James Bond 1. 2. 3. 4.
5.
James Bond author Alexandra Fleming lived in nearby Canterbury, but never visited Whitstable because of his fear of pebbles. As a result, pebbles are never mentioned in any of his books. Christopher Lee (the other one) often visited Whitstable to see his friend Peter Cushing, and both were fans of The Keytones when they played at The Harbour Lights. ‘Little Nelly’, the micro-copter that featured in You Only Live Twice, was made in that garage underneath the arches that now sells tyres. Richard Kiel, who played steel toothed villain Jaws, lost most of his teeth after forgetting that his teeth weren’t made of steel and trying to eat an oyster – with the shell still on. In Wheelers Oyster Bar. The Albert pub is named after Bond film producer Albert ‘Cubby’ Broccoli, who used to visit the pub regularly in the 70s. Although it is unknown whether he ever ate any broccoli whilst there.
4 The Wind Farm – Issue 107
London, New York, Paris, Swalecliffe
Page Three Puritan Model Of The Week. Oh dear, lads! Who’s taken the jam out of her doughnut? Stunning model of the week Hilary Benoit doesn’t look too happy, does she? The Wind Farm asked her why she was so unhappy when her puritanical ways at least guaranteed her an audience with God. “Because God doesn’t exist!”, cried the former church warden, “I’ve been saving myself for the lord, and I’ll die a virgin for no reason after all! I saw a programme with Brian Cox on it, and he said that the earth was made up of atoms and stuff, thus disproving God’s existence”. Never mind, Hilary. You won’t be short of a few offers of cox now your picture has made this magazine, eh lads!?
“Stop poking me in the eye!”, pleads cafe owner who looks like the actor who used to get poked in the eye. Co-owner of popular Folkestone cafe bar Googies, Keith Holland is urging people not to poke him in the eye anymore, after he was nearly blinded last week. Keith told The Wind Farm how a decision to grow a moustache resulted in people mistaking him for veteran actor James Finlayson, the popular stooge in the Laurel and Hardy films, who used to get poked in the eye a lot. “He would always get poked in the eye by Olly, or Stanley or whatever the fat one was called”, said Keith, 33, “And then he would fall victim to one of their escapades and say ‘D’oooooh’, before squinting with one eye. If this carries on, I won’t have an eye left to squint with!”. James Finlayson, in 1929 Keith (Right) is now thinking of shaving his moustache off, and even wearing a wig to look less like Finlayson, a decision welcomed by partner Steve Rees. “I swear if one more customer comes in and starts singing The Blue Ridge Mountains Of Virginia, I’ll brain them. This is a cafe bar, not a western saloon”. Keith said, “It has to stop. Just last week, I was serving a customer and he poked me in the eye and hit me over the head with a wooden mallet. It may be funny in films made 90 years ago, but in real life, it fucking hurts”, he said.
5 The Wind Farm – Issue 107
London, New York, Paris, Swalecliffe
From The Wind Farm archives... Whitstable clown's embarrassing gaffe over homeless gesture Hard of hearing funny-man in shoe mixup A local clown has issued an apology to a Whitstable Big Issue seller after making her an 'Insulting offer'. Cedric Thompson, aka Charlie Chucklebones, is said to have caused 'great offence' to the Big Issue seller outside Budgens when he offered her his size 20 clown shoes. Thompson, of Joy Lane, said: "I made a genuine gesture to the girl and didn't mean to cause any offence. I honestly thought that she spent all day there asking for 'bigger shoes' - and they don't get much bigger than mine." "I've been hard of hearing for years, you know. Decades of exploding clown cars and fog horns going off in my ears have taken their toll. I honestly thought that young girl wanted my size 20s. I'm very embarrassed." Charlie claims to have tried to make amends by offering to take the girl to dinner - and buying a copy of The Big Issue. "She agreed, bless her, and I arranged to turn up at 6pm when her shift finishes. Unfortunately, my regular car was having its MOT so I had to take my clown car along. Of course, as soon as I stopped outside Budgens and tooted the horn, the car backfired and the doors fell off. She looked terrified." Things got worse, according to Charlie, when he approached the girl to apologise for the car exploding. "I was embarrassed and offered her a bunch of flowers that I produced from under a hankie. Sadly, she had an allergic reaction to flowers and had a seizure there and then. I tried to revive her with water from the plastic flower on my lapel but that didn't work either."
Charlie spent the next two minutes clumsily running around in circles trying to get help and even tried to dial 999 on the girl's Blackberry, but his efforts were hampered by his over-sized clown gloves.
"I tried pressing the keys but ended up putting my finger straight through the screen. When I eventually got through, I made the mistake of calling the clown ambulance. It arrived quickly but, inevitably, that ended in chaos too, with the back doors falling off and the stretcher shooting out the back and rolling down Borstal Hill and coming to rest outside Budgens again. It was madness."
The drama ended when friends of the Big Issue seller came along in a BMW and took her away, much to Charlie's relief. "I went to shake the driver's hand but pulled it away at the last second and honked my nose at him. He didn't seem very amused and told me to fuck off.....I don't know why he made such a big issue out of it," said Charlie before raising his hat and dropping his baggy trousers. "Ha! See what I did there!?"
6 The Wind Farm – Issue 107
London, New York, Paris, Swalecliffe
We don’t need another hero... Public asked not to pretend to be superheroes Whitstable police are asking would-be superheroes to stay indoors after a local man was kicked unconscious outside The Pearson’s Arms last week. Whitstable has seen a slew of superheroes emerge, ever since Parallel Parking Man started coming to the rescue of women drivers last month. But another superhero, who called himself ‘Big Hugs Man’, ended up in hospital after trying to break up a fight. Witnesses said that a man dressed in a pink leotard, with a tablecloth wrapped around his neck, leaped from a wheelie bin and landed between two men squaring up to each other last Saturday night. “He landed between the two men and put his arms around them and said, “Someone needs a huuuug”...but they turned on him and gave him a good kicking. In a way, he did actually manage to do some good, as the two men were drinking together afterwards and having a good laugh about it”, said witness Karen Harlow. Koala Bear Man, yesterday But it seems that elderly citizens are also getting in on the act, with emergence of Spidergran – an 87 year old grandmother who’s convinced she’s a spider. Enid McIntyre also ended up in hospital after attempting to spin a huge web across Oxford Street to stop a gang’s getaway car after they’d robbed the local Barclay’s Bank. Sgt Harold Par Boil of Whitstable police said, “All she managed to do was to get herself knocked over, not by the getaway car, but by the Tesco free bus that was coming the other way. It’s unlikely she’ll make it through the week”. Other ‘Superheroes’ include:
Koala Bear Man – a man who transforms into a Koala bear and just sits in a tree doing nothing whenever a crime is being committed Jackie Wilson Man – a local man who randomly bursts into depressed people’s houses and sings ‘Reet Petite’ in an attempt to cheer them up. Condiment Man – believed to be a chef, this masked man bursts into cafes armed with brown sauce and tomato ketchup whenever a traditional English breakfast is served on a table where sauces are missing. He’s been particularly busy in The Beach Cafe.
“It’s all very well dressing up as a Superhero and trying to help the public” said Sgt Par Boil, “But the Police are perfectly capable of aiding the public, and without the need to wear masks. We do that sort of thing on our own time, and behind closed doors”.
7 The Wind Farm – Issue 107
London, New York, Paris, Swalecliffe
On The Shelves July 19th Available to buy from Dave’s Deli and Tea and Times, Whitstable. Or online at www.thewindfarmsuperstore.bigcartel.com