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1 The Wind Farm - Issue 106

2 The Wind Farm - Issue 106

Jim Davidson washed up on Whitstable beach Race against time to drag comedian back into the sea Greenpeace are desperately trying to drag Jim Davidson back into the sea after he was found washed up on whitstable beach Tuesday. The comedian, 67, was found by a man out walking his dog. Emergency services were quickly on the scene, and attempts to drag the three ton comedian back into the sea were initially unsuccessful. Davidson is said to be in good spirits, and has been joking with rescue workers, according to Sgt Harold Par Boil who is co-ordinating rescue efforts. “That is precisely why we need to drag him back in the sea as soon as possible. He’s still using material that he used when he was on New Faces. He’s driving everyone to distraction. And I don’t like the way he refers to his coloured friend as ‘Chalky’, either”. Davidson: “Bad for business”. And a fat cunt. An employee at nearby hotel continental said, “It’s terrible for business. Customers can hear him from the bar, and they’re leaving in their droves”. Davidson’s bloated body is being kept wet with buckets of sea water and slops of lager from the trays at the nearby Waterfront pub. Despite using one of their heavier trawlers, Greenpeace admitted that they are having difficulty dragging the four times married, wife beating comic back in to the sea. “We’re going to need a bigger boat”, said Captain Jacques Birdseye, “He’s a proper fat cunt for sure”. Sgt Par Boil is appealing for more volunteers in the meantime. “We need as much help as possible in dragging Mr Davidson back into the sea. It’s harming the local economy”. There are fears that Davidson’s beaching could be as disastrous as when Jimmy Tarbuck was washed up on Leysdown beach in 1993. Within hours, every occupant of the caravan parks left, and hundreds of leisure centre employees lost their jobs as holiday makers refused to visit the popular resort. “We can’t have that sort of thing happening in Whistable”, said Sgt Par Boil

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“Stupid Customers” encouraged to shop on Mondays.

Counterpoint With Col M Farquar – Ladygarden (Retd)

Stupid and annoying customers who come into local shops and ask obvious questions are being asked to do so on Mondays, just to get them out of the way. “I swear that if one more customer comes in and points at my quiche and asks ‘How much is that custard tart’, I’ll brain them!”, said Dave Brown of Dave’s Deli. “One of them even asked what flavour my ‘Quickie’ was because they could read ‘Quiche’ properly”. Dawn Hackett, of the award winning The Cheese Box said, “I swear, if one more person comes in asking for Dairylea triangles, I’ll brain them. Or get Dave to”. Nicki Diamond of She Sells... came up with the idea of ‘Stupid Shopper’s Monday” after yet another customer came in asking why her shop was not closer to the sea shore. “We’re plagued by stupid shoppers who can’t tell the difference between a knitted Seagull and a wooly cat, and we’ve just had enough of them. So I propsed ‘Stupid Monday’ in order to get all the thick shoppers out of the way early in the week”. A local businessman is now planning on opening a shop to cater for stupid shoppers. Steve James told The Wind Farm, “It will sell everything that all the other shops sell, but all under one roof. I could probably get away with charging them quadrupled prices and get away with it as well. The thick twats”

Blue Oyster Cult booked to appear at Oyster Festival. Oyster festival organisers announced this week that classic 70s rock outfit Blue Oyster Cult are booked to appear! A spokesman for the popular festival said, “Blue Oyster Cult will be making an ‘unplugged’ appearance at the smack in on July 27th. When we say ‘unplugged’, we mean an acoustic set by the band which will only feature one guitar and one singer. Who both happen to be the same person. Who wasn’t the original singer / guitarist either, but took over as Eric Bloom couldn’t make it. And he’ll be playing Don’t Fear The Reaper over and over again, as no-one knows any of their other songs. Actually, it’s all a lie. It’s just a busker who can play that one song, but he’s very good at it”.

4 The Wind Farm - Issue 106

Small shops to be widened to allow inconsiderate fucking boden mums in with their fucking double buggie pram things. “It’s a sad day for small shop owners”, say small shop owners. Owners of those horrendous double buggies that take up all the room in Harbour Street’s small shops were celebrating this week after being told that shops need to be widened to accommodate them. Boden mums up and down the UK danced in their crocs after a court ruled that the problem was not the size of the prams, but the width of the shops. The hearing came about after a Harbour Street shop owner put a notice in their shop window, saying ‘This is a small shop. Please leave your pram outside if possible during busy periods. Thank you’. But a boden mum complained to the court of human rights, accusing the shop owner of discrimination. Jenny Hawthorn, who has a buggy capable of carrying five of her eighteen children said, “This is a great day for boden mums everywhere. Now I can go into any shop I wish, block everyone’s entrance and leave without buying anything because I spent too much on the pram in the first place”. Boden mums, yesterday. Taking up an entire pavement. Shop owners in Harbour Street, however, did not share Hawthorn’s joy. Sam Jones, of Jones fish and chips said, “There’s even talk of party walls having to be knocked through to make more space – and we have an undertaker next door! That’ll be nice, won’t it? Eating your chips with a body lying in a coffin next to you”. The undertaker next door said, “That’ll be nice, won’t it? Having your mum lying in a coffin smelling of lard”.

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5 The Wind Farm - Issue 106

Stop calling me Desperate Dan, says desperate Dan Desborough. Folkestone photographer stalked by Dandy fans. A Folkestone man is appealing to local Dandy fans to stop stalking him because they think he’s Desperate Dan. Dan Desborough, 33, told The Wind Farm, “They’re making my life hell. I just want to lead a normal life but they follow me everywhere. Why only yesterday, someone left a cow pie on my front lawn. I can’t take much more”. The trouble started last year when someone made a weak gag on facebook about how Dan’s name sounded like the cowboy character Desperate Dan (Left). “I laughed at first, just to humour them – it’s not as if no-one had ever thought of it before. But then I started getting friend request from people with silly names like Minnie Theminx, Korky Thecat and even some arsehole calling himself Dennis Themenace”. Desborough (Below) claims that he was walking through Rendezvous street recently when a stranger stopped him. “He demanded that I bend the steel lamppost in two, just like Desperate Dan used to, despite not having lampposts in cowboy days. I just told him to fuck off”. On another occasion, Dan claims that a hairdresser tried to shave his beard off with a blowtorch, just like Desperate Dan used to. “I’m still undergoing skingrafts. All I wanted was a haircut and a regular shave. And if one more person tries to strike a match on my stubble, I swear I’ll kill them”. Dan’s girlfriend, Allison ‘Little bear’ Chambers said, “He’s a bag of nerves right now, and even refuses to eat anything that has cow in it. Including milk”. Keith Holland, proprieter of Googies said, “I’m glad that Dan has cleared this up. I was going to install swing doors and a hitching post outside for his horse”.

6 The Wind Farm - Issue 106

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The Wind Farm - Issue 106  

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