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FREE JANUARY 15, 2014

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GUIDE 5 NEWS OF THE WEIRD Weird, but true stories from here and around the globe

8 CONCERT BEAT Concert listings from many places

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

THIS WEEK

VOL.1 ISSUE 6 •174. OCTOBER 27 - NOV 2, 2010 ISSUE JANUARY 15 - 21, 2014

10 CLUB & PUBS

We are working on it but need your help please send info

BEAT 11 LOCAL Each week we comment on local or national talent.

12 HOT SHOTS

Maybe we snapped a pic of you, check it out!

TOPCrashSPINS & MOVIE REVIEW 15 Gina from The Bone’s Top 10 Radio Hits. & A movie review ALBUM REVIEW 16 Done by The Bone’s - Scotty Brilliant BREWING 21 HOME Camille Capriglione checks out just what it takes to brew the craft STORE ROBERY 26 GROCERY Elle Spaulding shows us just what some people will resort to these days 32 ZODIAC Your astrology for the week

12 HOT SHOTS 39 MODEL BEAT 47

44 JOKES & COMICS A few chuckles to get you through the week

MODEL BEAT Last, but certainly not least your model of the week

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014


by Chuck Shepherd

LEAD STORY: ROBO MEDICINE At least two U.S. medical schools so far are early adopters of Dr. Benjamin Lok’s and Dr. Carla Pugh’s “Robot Butt” for teaching doctors-in-training to properly (and compassionately) administer prostate exams. The robot, bent over a desk to simulate the patient profile, has sensors to alert the students if they dig too deeply or quickly for comfort. Other sensors enable a check on eye contact to evaluate “bedside manner.” (News of the Weird reported a similar innovation in 2012 by Nobuhiro Takahashi, whose model’s “sphincter” has the ability to “clench up” if the probing becomes too distressing.)

THE CONTINUING CRISIS -- Equality Under Law: (1) In December, Fort Worth, Texas, judge -Neuroscientist James Fallon, fascinated by the brains of serial killers, experienced a seminal career moment in 2005 when he realized that his own brain scan was a dead-on match for the typical psychopath’s. Subsequent self-examination revealed him to be, he said, a “pro-social psychopath,” displaying traits similar to a killer’s (aggressiveness, low empathy) and different (“killing” opponents only in games and debate, with little compassion for their haplessness). “I’m kind of an asshole,” he admitted, according to a November report by The Smithsonian, “and I do jerky things that piss people off.” Fallon failed to break bad, he guesses, because he “was loved (growing up), and that protected me.” He figures he has not kicked his pathology but rather strives “to show to everyone and myself that I can pull (this balancing act) off.” -- In November, the senior class president of Northwest Christian University in Eugene, Ore., “came out” -- as an atheist. Eric Fromm, 21, is apparently popular on campus, and an ABC News report revealed that he was under no pressure to resign or drop out. Said the director of university relations, “All of our students are on a journey. ... We as an institution meet students where they are at.” Fromm said he was impressed with the school right from his initial visit. “No one was speaking in tongues or handling snakes, so I decided to stay.”

BRIGHT IDEAS -- Not the Usual Modus Operandi: (1) The vandalism of Marion County High School in Jasper, Tenn., on the eve of a big football game in November was not, after all, the work of arch-rival South Pittsburg -- notwithstanding the clues. The South Pittsburg markings were apparently made by Marion County teacher-coach Michael Schmitt, who was arrested. He told officers he was only trying to inspire the team (which lost anyway, 35-17). (2) Police in Urunga, Australia, charged teacher Andrew Minisini in December with taking three female students to a motel, giving them alcohol and seducing them -- not into sex, but into vandalizing the residence of one of Minisini’s former colleague rivals.

in connection in the 9/11 attacks, defense lawyers continued to complain that their “confidential” client information was being leaked from the poorly secured “classified” Pentagon computer network. Said the lead defense counsel (Air Force Col. Karen Mayberry), the normal Department of Defense “classified” network is so porous that she has been forced to use the Wi-Fi at the local Guantanamo Starbucks, which she regards as more secure.

PEOPLE WITH ISSUES -- A condominium association in Niles, Ill., is debating whether to pursue Norman Kazmierski since he has now moved. As a resident, he was accused of keying cars, egging hallways, disabling the emergency sprinkler system, and leaving several pounds of excrement in buildings in protest of alleged mistreatment. The association said it all started when one resident asked Kazmierski to please park his car between the lines so that parking spaces could be used more efficiently. -- Police in Mayville, Wis., arrested John Grant, 42, in November for shooting his wife, Nicole, three times with a Taser gun. The couple tried to explain that Nicole (Green Bay Packers fan) had bet John (Chicago Bears fan) on the game, with the winner getting to Taser the loser (although she sheepishly said later that she didn’t think John would actually shoot her). (According to breath tests, neither of the Grants could have lawfully driven a car.)

THE ARISTOCRATS! --Cornelius Fergueson, 45, a psychologist for the Philadelphia Family Court System, was arrested in December for allegedly masturbating in front of his office window. Edward Alvin, 34, was arrested on a similar charge in November, in the lobby of the DMV office in West Palm Beach, Fla. Brian Hounslow, 37, was arrested in November (similar charge) in the ladies’ room at a Tulsa, Okla., Walmart. (Asked the bewildered woman who called security: “Who gets up at 8:30 in the morning and decides they’re going to go to Walmart, take off all their clothes, and masturbate in the woman’s bathroom?”

NEWS OF THE WEIRD CLASSIC In 2001, German computer repairman Armin Meiwes captured world attention when he was convicted of killing, and then sauteeing and eating parts of a Berlin engineer of particularly low self-esteem, who had offered himself on a German cannibal-fetish website. In November 2013, police in the German state of Saxony were investigating human body parts found at a bed-andbreakfast run by “Detlef G.,” suggesting the parts were from “Wojciech S.,” who frequented a cannibal-fetish website and who had traveled to meet Detlef -- and that the parts had been found in an area of the grounds used for “grilling.” The investigation is continuing.

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(Are you ready for News of the Weird Pro Edition? Every Monday at http://NewsoftheWeird.blogspot.com and www.WeirdUniverse.net. Other handy addresses: WeirdNews at earthlink dot net, http://www.NewsoftheWeird.com, and P.O. Box 18737, Tampa FL 33679.) COPYRIGHT 2014 CHUCK SHEPHERD DISTRIBUTED BY UNIVERSAL UCLICK 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, Mo. 64106

SUSPICIONS CONFIRMED

--During the September Guantanamo Bay trial of five people charged

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

NEWS OF THE WEIRD


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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15. 2014


THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY15, 2014

CONCERT BEAT CHAMELEON CLUB, Lancaster, PA TICKETS 717-393-7713

TICKETS 212-307-7171

The Felice Brothers, Jan 15 Gang Stagraa, Jan 17 FGFC 820, Jan 18 Michael Schenker, Jan 26

TICKETS 610-434-4600

MAUCH CHUNK OPERA HOUSE, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0249 Hard Travelin, Jan 17 Dead On Live Grateful Dead Trib, Jan 18 Swearingen & Keli w/guests The day Rubies, Jan 19

MOHEGAN SUN ARENA AT CASEY PLAZA, Wilkes Barre, PA TICKETS 570-920-7600 Charlie Daniels Band / Bret Michaels, May 30

MOUNT AIRY CASINO RESORT, Mount Pocono TICKETS 877-682-4791 Gilbert Gotfried, Jan 18 Dream Girls Centerfold Revue, Jan 31 Tracy Morgan, Feb 1

Jessie Joyce, Jan 16 Boogie Wonder Band, Jan 17 The Aardvarks, Jan 18

SHERMAN THEATER, Stroudsburg, PA Page 8

TICKETS 570-420-2808 Time Will Tell, Jan 18 Rusted Root, Jan 19 Greensky, Jan 31

FM KIRBY CENTER, Wilkes Barre, PA

Stone Sour / Pop Evil Jan 18 Reverend Horton Heat, Jan 24 Amon Amarth, Feb 4 The Pretty Reckless, Feb 12 The BlackBerry Smoke, Feb 15

MAIN GATE, Allentown PA TICKETS 610-898-7200

TICKETS 570-826-1100

Jim Belushi, Mar 13 • Kathy Griffin, Apr 17

SANTANDER ARENA, Reading, PA TICKETS 610-898-7469 Hair, Jan 31 Stomp, Feb 24 Skillet & Third Day, Mar 22

Yellow Card, Feb 4 • The Pretty Reckless, Feb 13

TROCADERO, Philadelphia, PA

THE ELECTRIC FACTORY, Philadelphia, PA

TICKETS (215) 922-5483

TICKETS (215) 627-1332 Pixies, Jan 24 Dr. Dog, Jan 31 - Feb 1 Falling In Reverse, Feb 2 Panic at the Disco, Feb 5 Galactic, Feb 8

Rupal’s Drag Race, Jan 16 In this Moment, Jan 17 Brotherly Breakdown Fest, Jan 18 Mantis Music Showcase, Jan 31 BuckCherry, Feb 21 Dumpstaphunk & Kermit Ruffins & The BBQ Swingers, Feb 27 Animals as Leaders, Feb 28 Dark Tranquillity, Mar 2

1409 N. 9th St

TICKETS 215-336-3600

TICKETS 610-332-1300

IRVING PLAZA, New York, NY

TICKETS 877-686-5366

Franki Avalon, Fabian, & Bobby Rydell, May 15 Reba McEntire, May 18 Michael Bolton, May 30

REVERB - Reading, PA

WELLS FARGO CENTER Philadelphia, PA MUSIKFEST / CAFE Bethlehem, PA

TICKETS 800-745-3000

TICKETS 212-777-6800

SUSQUEHANNA BANK CENTER Camden, NJ Demi Lovato, Mar 1 Robin Thicke, Mar 6

Sandlot Heros, Jan 31 For Today, Feb 15 Battle For AllStars, Feb 16

SANDS EVENT CENTER Bethlehem, PA Big Bad Voodoo Daddy, Feb 7 3 Doors Down (Acoustic), Feb 12 Lisa Lampanelli, Feb 15 NBC’s Sing Off, Feb 27 Huey Lewis & The News Mar 21 Billy Currington, Mar 27 Robert Cray & Mavis Staples, Mar 28 Jim Gaffigan & The White Bread Tour, Mar 29 Lewis Black, Apr 4 Yes, Apr 5

Billy Joel, Jan 27- Sep 17 • Keith Urban, Jan 29

CROCODILE ROCK, Allentown, PA

Jay Z, Jan 29 Lady Antebellum, Jan 30

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN New York, NY

Kings of Leon, Feb 19 Lady Gaga, May 12

Sunshine Superman, Jan 24 The Vulcans, Jan 25 Big Valley Bluegrass, Jan 31 Megan Cary, Feb 1 Strawberry Fields, Feb 6

(610) 743-3069 Abigal Williams, Jan 18 Bonz, Jan 23 Appetite for Destruction, Jan 24 Chimaira, Feb 6 Tonic, Vertical Horizon, Dishwalla, Mar 4

KESWICK THEATRE, Glenside, PA TICKETS 215-572-7650 Elvis Birthday Bash, Jan 24 Transatlantic, Feb 8 Jim Jefferies, Feb 21 Josh Ritter, Feb 27

PENNS PEAK, Jim Thorpe, PA TICKETS 570-325-0371 Galactic, Feb 9 Rebelution, Feb 12 Black Amish Comedy Feb 21 Dopapod, Feb 22

KIX, Jan 31 Fran Cosmo, February 1 Changes in Latitudes, Feb 8

CHECK OUT RUSTED ROOT THIS SATURDAY AT THE SHERMAN THEATER IN STROUDSBURG


THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

THIS SUNDAY

CHAMELEON CLUB WWW.CHAMELEONCLUB.NET 223 NORTH WATER STREET, LANCASTER, PA

ALL AGES /21 TO DRINK

MAINGATE NIGHTCLUB 448 N. 17th Street, Allentown, PA

(610) 776-7711 ALL AGES /21 TO DRINK

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Tix for all shows at Ticketmaster.com, Charge-by-phone 800.745.3000, All Ticketmaster Locations & at each venue’s box office VISIT FACEBOOK.COM/SLPCONCERTS OR SLPCONCERTS.NET


THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15,2014

CLUBS AND PUBS ALLENTOWN

Jabber Jaws Bar & Grille 1327 Chew St Allentown, PA 610-432-6524 Tilted Kilt 2835 Lehigh St 610-791-2100 Grumpy’s BBQ Roadhouse 3000 Mauch Chunk Rd 610-769-4600 1/17 Ricky Smith & the Crush 1/18 Bryant Brothers Rascals Pub & Afterdark Lounge 6616 Ruppsville Rd 610-366-1130 Wave Night Club 22 N. 6th St 610-821-9283 Resident DJ Xtina

BATH

Cornerstone Pub 506 Penn St 610-837-6670 1/17 Goodtymez 2/2 Big Game Party

BETHLEHEM

Bar With No Name 300 Gateway Drive 610-866-5800 Fridays: DJ Cap Cee Saturdays: DJ Trama

MacGrady’s 117 E. Third St 610-868-8925 Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: DJ@10pm Sat: Acoustic Entertainment

Stratus Night Club 1193 Airport Road 610-776-2090 Wednesday: Karaoke

Funhouse 5 E. Fourth Street 610-868-5311 1/15 Will Kiss U 1/16 Tom Harakal 1/17 The Wallace Brothers 1/18 Trouble City Allstars 1/19 Modren Romantz 1/21 Sam and Nick 1/22 Tavern Tan Band

Strange Brew Tavern 1996 S. Fifth St 610-841-3610 Monday: Pong night 1/17 Harkland 1/18 Ricky Smith & Crush

Diamondz 1913 W Broad St Bethlehem, Pa 18018 610 865 1028 Monday: Trivia Thurs: Beer Pong Friday Karaoke Saturday DJ June Sunday: Karaoke Sports

Roosevelt’s 21st 1328 W. Tilghman St (610) 770-1444 Mon - Fri 1/2 price apps Live Music 4-7 Live Entertainment Tim Harakal / Billy Patrick / Strange Coincidence & More 1/18 DJ Old Skooler Bad Grandpa Party

Bethlehem Brew Works 569 Main St 610-882-1300

Jetport Lounge 3400 Airport Rd. Allentown, Pa 610-266-1000 Wednesdays: 6-12am DJ Jimmy K Fridays: Mike Mitman

Vision Bar @ Sands Event Center 77 Sands Boulevard 610-297-7410 1/17 DJ Reese 1/18 DJ CAP CEE Lou’s 50 Yard Line 2626 Easton Ave 610-882-9190 Thursdays: Open Mic Tuesday’s - Trivia Saturday’-Karoke w/ Jason 2/2 Big Game Giveaway!

Sands Bethlehem Molten Lounge 511 E. 3rd Street 484-777-7777 1/15 DJ Aaron B w/DJ Kid AV 1/16 Steal The Sky 1/17 Jumper W DJ Tom Taylor 1/18 Gas Station Disco w/ DJ Tom Taylor 1/19 Joyous 1/20 Kevin Soffera Project Roosevelt’s 21st 25 E. Elizabeth Ave (610) 266-1950 Thirsty Thursday w/ DJ Zee 1/24 Snowball Gala Whiteout

Godfrey Daniels 7 E. Fourth St 610-867-2390 1/17 The Drunken Angels & Manatawny Creek 1/18 Todd Wolfe The Broadway Social 217 Broadway 610-868-2555 1/17 Collective Music Architecture 1/18 Cirque De Broadway

Tim Harakal 1/16 Funhouse Bethlehem, PA

DJ Reese 1/17 Vision Bar Sands Event Center Bethlehem, PA

Collective Music Architecture 1/17 Broadway Social Bethlehem, PA

CATASAQUA

Blue Monkey Sports Restaurant 1092 Howertown Rd 610-266-1550

EMMAUS

Volpe’s Sports Bar 501 Main St 610-965-0311 1/17 Presti 1/18 DJ Antbody

BARTONSVILLE

The Pocono Pub Rt. 611, Bartonsville 570-421-5743 Monday: Open Mic Tues, Thurs, Sun: Karaoke Fri - DJ Baby B 1/18 Flyin Blind

EASTON

Spanky’s East 1700 Butler St 610-559-5170 Tues: Texas Hold Em’ Sun: 9-Ball Pool League Drinky’s 3 Centre St Sq 610-252-3800 1/25 PBR Party Porter’s Pub 700 Northampton St. 610-250-6561 1/16 Yan Carlos Sanchez 1/17 JK Trio 1/18 Jordan Koza 1/23 BD Lenz 1/24 Serene Green 1/25 Quimby Mt. Band

DJ Old Skooler 1/18 Roosevelt’s 21st Allentonw, PA

MORE ON PAGE 32

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Main Gate 17 W. Liberty Street 610-776-7711 Friday Night: Noche Latina Saturday: Classique 80’s, 90’s music

The Brewworks Restaurant & Brewery 812-816 W Hamilton St 610-433-7777 Tuesday: Comedy Wednesday: Trivia Thursday: Karaoke Friday: Office Party Saturday: Guided Tours


CLASSIC ALBUMS LIVE

performs Pink Floyd’s classic album The Dark Side of the Moon at Sands Bethlehem Event Center

childish things. After my Floyd epiphany, LPs replaced 45s as my records of choice and the shared family portable record player was replaced by stereophonic speakers as we strived for better hi-fidelity. Although my beloved 45s and portable record player served me well, the release of “Dark Side” rendered them woefully obsolete. I used to lie down on the floor with my head between the stereo speakers for the full separation effect of “Dark Side.” Headphones just didn’t seem to cut it where this record was concerned. If I ever go completely deaf, perhaps I’ll regret doing that but for now, I consider those moments as some of the greatest listening sessions of my life. By the way kids, don’t try that at home. For me, there’s also an emotional component to this forty year love affair with “The Dark Side of the Moon.” My dear old Dad took a liking to “Us and Them.” Lord knows he had to listen to it often enough. He loved the chords, the piano and the saxophone and whenever I hear that song, it reminds me of him. He was pretty cool with some of my music so that’s a great memory for me. Hearing “Dark Side” played live at Sands Event Center brought back so many great memories of growing up in the 70s. I was grinning from ear to ear the entire time. After “Dark Side” was completed, there was a twenty minute intermission followed by another set of Floyd classics that featured “One of These Days” from the “Meddle” album and several selections from “The Wall” and “Wish You Were Here.” Classic Albums Live’s efforts this past Saturday night brought me great joy and what could possibly be wrong with that? I only wish my dear old Dad could’ve been there to hear it. Who knows? Maybe he was.

PANTONE 485 CVU PANTONE Process Yellow CVU PANTONE Reflex Blue C PANTONE 1395 CVC

Mitch has been on the air rockin’ the Lehigh Valley for eighteen years and has been with The Hawk for the last eleven years! Tune in weeknights for Classic Rock of the 70’s, 80’s and more! Listen Saturdays for great giveaways including free concert tickets for great area shows! To have your band reviewed please email him at: mitch999thehawk@gmail.com

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Of all the numerous spins of vinyl LP records and later, CDs, that I’ve made in my life, the one record that probably tops the list is Pink Floyd’s “The Dark Side of the Moon.” MP3, iPod and digital download spins don’t even count where this bona fide all-time classic rock album is concerned. My tastes and preferences in rock music were greatly influenced by this groundbreaking record. With last Saturday’s performance of “The Dark Side of the Moon” by Classic Albums Live at the Sands Bethlehem Event Center, I thought it would be a good time to acknowledge this particular classic album, its place in rock history, its impact on my life and to pay tribute to it as the fine musicians of the Toronto-based Classic Albums Live troupe did over the weekend. There are “purists” out there who feel that unless the music is being performed by the original band, it shouldn’t be played live at all. That is musical snobbery and elitism. In the case of Classic Albums Live, staying true to the original recordings is their mission. They simply play classic albums in their entirety, note for note – cut for cut. I thought that “Dark Side of the Moon” might be difficult to pull off live in concert but Classic Albums Live was more than up to the challenge. Released over forty years ago, the timeless music of “Dark Side” continues to influence younger generations through those aforementioned digital formats and through satellite and terrestrial rock radio. But this album is extraterrestrial both in name and stature. Seven of the ten tracks on the album, “Speak to Me”, “Breathe”, “Time”, “Money”, “Us and Them”, “Brain Damage”, and “Eclipse”, still get consistent airplay on classic rock radio station, 99.9 The Hawk. The three songs from the album that didn’t fit the commercial radio mold are “On the

Run” with its great sound effects and Richard Wright synthesizers but very little radio-friendly music, “The Great Gig in the Sky” – considered too slow and jazzy for classic rock radio but with one helluva vocal performance by Clare Torry and “Any Colour You Like” – an instrumental that probably should’ve been tacked on to the back end of “Us and Them” because that’s where it belongs. “Us and Them” ends so coldly and abruptly that it’s only natural for “Colour” to continue playing. For this DJ, it’s actually painful to have to play “Us and Them” only to hear “Colour” get cut off at the end of it. About fifteen years ago, before computer automation, a false fire alarm went off at another radio station where I DJ’ed and before I evacuated the premises, I threw on a CD of “Dark Side” and left it on continuous play. By the time the all-clear was given to go back in the building, the disc was winding down and I avoided any dead air. A listener called in to thank me for playing it all the way through. In 1973, as a twelve year old youngster whose musical tastes were hardly refined or sophisticated up to that point, Pink Floyd and “Dark Side” brought me into the light so to speak although some might argue that my musical tastes are still unrefined and unsophisticated. “Money” was released as a single and received some airplay on AM radio so I went to the record store and bought the 45. AM radio censored the “Money” lyrics of “Don’t give me that do goody good bullshit” but the BS word was left in on the 45 release although three minutes of the album version were chopped. “Any Colour You Like” was the B-side of “Money” and it was at this point that I realized that it was time to move away from the schlocky pop and bubble gum music on AM radio and delve into the dark depths of rock and roll. Sorry Partridge Family. Time to put away

THE THE VALLEY VALLEY BEAT BEAT JANUARY OCTOBER15, 9, 2014 2013

by: Mitch


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By: Scotty Scotty Brilliant Brilliant By:

spin on “Saltwater Heart,” with the chorus chanting, “Finally free again / like my own explosion / when I’m on your shore again / I can feel the ocean,” this is a song perfect for summer. The album wraps up on a nostalgic note with the very upbeat “Back To the Beginning Again.” Crank It When We Come Alive Let It Out All Or Nothing At All Skip It Say It Like You Mean It Slipping Away

before, I’m going to have to back track a little here. While I do consider Switchfoot an “alt rock band,” it’s safe to say their style has evolved significantly over the years. Their earlier records consisted primarily of guitar-driven rock, and now they have a much more poppy, laid-back style. Much like their alt rock genre, the band has also changed, but at least they are still staying on top of the waves they’ve been riding for close to two decades! You can check out Switchfoot performing their extensive catalog of songs live at The Sherman Theater in Stroudsburg on March 26th!

Since I went on my rant earlier about alternative rock not being the same as Scotty Brilliant is the Afternoon Drive Personality on The Valley’s Real Rock Station, 107 The Bone. Hit Scotty up for a Road Rage or Work Release Friday request, or let him know if there is a new album you want him to review! Find him on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/ScottyBrilliant.

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The “Alternative rock” genre has changed drastically over the years; what was once considered an alternative to mainstream rock has now itself become mainstream. Bands like Smashing Pumpkins, Bush and Candlebox have now turned into Fun, Arcade Fire and Lorde. Let’s face it, the genre is not the same as it used to be. Now I’m not necessarily bashing any of these new alt rock bands, I just don’t see a difference anymore between the mainstream and what is considered the alternative to it. One of the bands (among a few) that have survived the transition is the San Diego based band Switchfoot. Deeply rooted in the surfing culture, Switchfoot derived its name from the surfing term which means to switch your stance on the surfboard so you are facing the opposite direction. Lead Singer Joe Foreman considers the name a metaphor for life, stating in an interview that “It’s about change and movement, a different way of approaching life and music.” The group began in 1996 as a three-piece before incorporating another rhythm guitarist and a lead guitarist a few years later. After early successes in the Christian rock scene, they achieved notable recognition with the inclusion of four of their songs on the 2002 movie, A Walk to Remember. This recognition led to their major label debut, The Beautiful Letdown, which included their hits “Meant to Live” and “Dare You to Move.” They went on to release several more critically acclaimed albums, including the Grammy award winning, Hello Hurricane. Now just a few years shy of their 20th anniversary as a band, they have released their ninth studio album, Fading West. The record begins with both single releases back to back, “Love Alone Is Worth the Fight” and “Who We Are.” Both songs are inspiring and uplifting, with the latter being a bit more funky with some programmed beats and gospel influences. “When We Come Alive” is about letting the past go and carrying on. That same positive sentiment is found on “The World You Want.” In the chorus Foreman sings, “You change the world / you can change my world / every day you’re alive / you can change my world.” “Let It Out” and “All For Nothing At All” are tied for my favorite song from the album, with “Let It Out” having the slight lead. The band puts an 80’s

THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 6, 2013

ALBUM ALBUM REVIEW REVIEW


BROUGHT TO YOU BY

1

2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9

DEAL WITH THE DEVIL POP EVIL ONYX

TIRED

STONE SOUR HOUSE OF GOLD AND BONES PT. 1

BATTLE BORN

FIVE FINGER DEATH PUNCH THE WRONG SIDE OF HEAVEN & THE RIGHTEOUS SIDE OF HELL, VOL 2

PLOT:Mythical Greek half-god Hercules is sent into exile by his stepfather, sold into slavery, becomes a Gladiator, and builds an army in order to take his rightful kingdom. REVIEW: Model-turned-actor Kellan Lutz seems like a very nice guy in the real world, so I’ll try to take it easy on him. As an actor, he makes a great model. (I’ve never seen him model but I can only assume he’s good at that.) Playing the title character in THE LEGEND OF HERCULES, Lutz appears lost at every turn, utilizing a scowling and squinting technique presumably picked up on a photoshoot somewhere; it might work in a picture, but in a moving picture it’s an amusingly strange thing to see. That Lutz is not a good actor isn’t necessarily his fault, and it isn’t necessarily HERCULES’ biggest issue, but a movie like this lives and dies by its hero - and here we have a really lousy hero. At least he has perfect teeth.

SHEPHERD OF FIRE

AVENGED SEVENFOLD HAIL TO THE KING

ADRENALINE

SHINEDOWN AMARYLLIS

BY AND DOWN

A PERFECT CIRCLE

360

SIRENS

PEARL JAM

LIGHTNING BOLT

LOLA MONTEZ

VOLBEAT

OUTLAW GENTLEMEN AND SHADY LADIES

WHAT IF I WAS NOTHING ALL THAT REMAINS A WAR YOU CANNOT WIN

ADDICTED TO PAIN

ALTER BRIDGE FORTRESS

The main issue with THE LEGEND OF HERCULES is that it’s a passionless, derivative affair, made by a director looking for a paycheck who was most likely being forced to emulate 300 and “Spartacus.” I say forced because it is obvious that director Renny Harlin can still compose an action sequence when he wants to - several the movies fight scenes are more or less well-choreographed and entertaining - but he was surely encouraged by producers clinging to a dying fad to utilize ample wirework and that tired slow-mo/fast-mo thing Zack Snyder is infamous for. Can anyone witness a gladiator-type hurling himself through the air - sword raised, teeth bared, defying physics and all that - and not roll their eyes and think “This is 2014 guys - you might as well be doing bullet time.” Not to mention the fact that, intentional or not, the narrative often comes off as GLADIATOR-lite. None of the actors appear to be having a good time, save for maybe Lutz - who is goofy beyond words sometimes - and Scott Adkins, who plays Hercules’ step-father and the evil king who casts his son into exile and kills his mommy. Adkins’ performance is by no means great, but it’s kind of hammy and growlingly over-the-top in a way that reminds you of actors who used to go for broke in the sword-and-sandals epics of yore. Harlin deserves a bit of credit for at least making the fight scenes - of which there aren’t enough - bearable. The director does indeed fall back on visuals that are all too familiar, but at least he can frame a shot correctly and give you an idea of where the combatants are in relation to each other. They aren’t necessarily innovate scenes, because there are no stakes the audience cares about, but they’re competent enough to break us out of our slumber. Beware any scene that begins with two people in a room, in a cage or atop a hill they’re about to start talking to each other and you will not like it when they do that. I honestly just remembered right now, as I’m writing this, that HERCULES is in 3D. It’s one of those dreadfully muddy jobs, reminiscent of when studios rushed their movies through a conversion process after AVATAR’s success. Yes, if you take your glasses off the screen is somewhat blurry, but there is absolutely nothing about the way the technology is exploited here that is note-worthy. As is apparently mandatory in a movie where the 3D is unexceptional, confetti, petals and dust motes are dispatched often to give the audience something that actually pops off the screen. And when confetti overpowers the other visuals in your film, you’re in trouble.

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By Chris Bumbray

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

Movie Review

GINA CRASH’S TOP 10


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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

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A Craft Beer Renaissance

THE 2014 THE VALLEY VALLEYBEAT BEAT JANUARY JULY 31, 15, 2013

Homebrewing:

By Camille Capriglione 1990’s. However, this paled in comparison to the 1000% growth of Samuel Adams and the staggering 1500% growth of Sierra Nevada. Even mega breweries have attempted to cash in on the growing appreciation of fine, handcrafted beers. Anheuser-Busch created their Michelob specialty beer line that includes a tasty hefeweizen, an amber bock, a black & tan and a märzen.. You’ll find many different types of home-brewing kits. It can be daunting, but most come with a full set of instructions. These recipes describe the primary fermentation process. This takes place in large glass or plastic containers, or foodgrade plastic buckets. Once sealed, the fermenter is plugged with a lock that allows the carbon dioxide gas that is produced to vent, while preventing other gases and particles from entering. Recent innovations

in nanotechnology have enabled an airlock, which prevents bacteria and other harmful fungi from entering. During this time, temperatures are kept at an optimum degree for the particular yeast being used. After several more steps, the beer is carbonated. Once the process is complete, the result is delicious craft beer! The Lehigh Valley area has nearly a dozen microbreweries, and also its own home brewers club. Lehigh Valley Homebrewers meet every month at the Steelgaarden Lounge in the Bethlehem Brew Works at 569 Main Street, where they share ideas, recipes, techniques, and most importantly beer! For membership information, visit www.lvhb. org. Cheers! PAGE 21 21 PAGE

Are you mad for malt, hysterical for hops or loco for lager? Do you have a knack for culinary projects and concocting your own creations? Then home brewing might be for you! Brewing on a domestic level has existed for thousands of years, and we’ve come a long way since Prohibition. The U.S. lifted restrictions on home brewing in 1978, and beer making has evolved to an ultra fine craft. Microbreweries and home brewing are incredibly popular now. Brewers use traditional methods to brew beer in small batches using high quality ingredients. Beer drinkers now have more to choose from than just a bland pilsner. There are pale ales, India ales, red ales, brown ales and mild ales as well as fruit beers, wheat beers, bocks, porters and stouts. People homebrew for a variety of reasons. Homebrewing can be cheaper than buying retail beer and it allows people to adjust recipes according to their own tastes and caloric content. The basic ingredients that are necessary to make beer are water, malt, hops, and yeast. With the exception of water (although minerals, pH, and other characteristics do play a role and careful water selection is recommended) there are countless varieties of these ingredients. The growth of the craft beer movement has forever altered the American brewing industry. In 1980, there were less than 50 breweries in America. There are now are over 2,400 craft breweries, according to BrewersAssociation.org. Yet not all of the growth in the industry was in the microbrewery segment. Pennsylvania’s Yuengling brand - brewed by D.G. Yuengling & Sons, America’s oldest brewery founded in 1829 - grew nearly 600% in the


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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014


Melissa: The Broadway Social

How long have you been tending bar? Steadily all my life since I’ve been 17

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

BARTENDER OF THE WEEK What’s your favorite drink to make? It’s not one particular drink I like to make, I like to find out what flavor profiles someone likes and I will personalize a cocktail specifically for them What's your drink of choice? I come up with these concoctions, but really I’m a simple bourbon & beer girl. What's the craziest thing you have seen happen while behind the bar? Hmmm…. A bartender will never tell. What's the most requested shot? Believe it or not it’s whiskey. Whats the Best thing about your job? And where you work? When the owner gets on the microphone and screams out “I LOVE THIS FUCKING PLACE!” at the hype of the night.

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And most importantly, what is your signature hangover cure? Never stop drinking!! A fresh prepared Bloody Mary we make from scratch at The Broadway Social!!


THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

THE VALLEY BEAT NOVEMBER 13, 2013

The Grocery Store Bandit Every year the two of the most popular New Years resolutions are eating healthier and getting more exercise however shifting through the complex shit-scape of media these days one would think that it has all been a downhill battle. There’s the much maligned “obesity epidemic” and New York’s mayor Bloomberg’s ill-conceived attempts towards portion control, calorie information appearing on everything and the war on school lunches. In response there’s also been a steady rise in the overall consciousness of so-called “healthy eating” or it’s ugly cousin the “real food” movement. A study highlighted recently in the New York Times revealed the overall the processed food market has cut down in the number of calories in their products over the years but such a significant amount that the number of calories consumed by the average American has dropped by at 80 calories per day in the past 5 years. Furthermore sales of those processed foods have remained stagnant and sales of sugary carbonated drinks have been decreasing. Meanwhile sales of stuff like whole grain bread and almond milk have been on the rise. These are just stats. A sample of an overall trend and does not say anything in particular about any individual, but this week, I find myself wondering about one individual in particular, Joseph Matthew Fenner, a Bethlehem man who was detained at a local Pantry One convenience store this past weekend. Fenner apparently entered the store and proceeded to stuff two tubs of Chobani Greek yogurt and a pack of Trident gum down his pants. When an employee at the store noticed his actions, the employee had a confrontation with Fenner and police were called. Several officers responded around 5 am. According to police records Fenner behavior was rather belligerent. He resisted arrest and during the altercation made the statement, “It’s going to take more than three of you to take me down. I’ll take your gun and kill all of you.” Police however were able to detain Fenner and took him into custody that day. Obviously this was a terrifying incident for the convenience store clerk and, at least, an absolutely annoying disturbance for police officers (who the hell wants to up dealing with some dude

with yogurt down his pants at 5 am?) but the story did make me think. Previously Fenner was arrested for a similar incident in October that involved some crabmeat at a local Giant grocery store. Crab meat of course is an excellent source of protein and vitamin b-12. And Chobani yogurt, which until it’s recent split with the whiny over privileged teenager of grocery stores that is Whole Foods, was the ruler of the semi-lux yogurt market and also an excellent source of protein and calcium. I don’t know Fenner personally so what I do know about him is entirely from reading about his food stealing exploits in the local newspapers so I only really have three impressions of the guy. The first is that someone who assaults police officers in the early hours of the morning is probably not great company. The second is that the guy obviously is super into his comfort otherwise, how else would he have managed to stuff two tubs of Greek yogurt down his pants. He must have been wearing pretty stretchy and forgiving pants. And the third is that despite the assaults and stealing, I can’t criticize the guy for his dietary choices. The only

thing that I ever stole from a grocery store, when I was a kid, was pack of candy. This guy Fenner is clearly into something a bit more refined than I was. Since the crabmeat incident happened in October, Fenner’s healthy eating probably isn’t a result of some New Years resolution, but an actual life choice, which means that he’s already got one of two resolutions down solid and I hear that in prison you spend a lot of time pumping iron meaning that number two will probably work itself out as well.

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By Elle Spaulding


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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

THIS WEEKEND THEATER LISTINGS AMC TILGHMAN 8 TILGHMAN SQUARE ALLENTOWN (610) 391-0772

FRANK BANKO ALEHOUSE CINEMAS STEELSTACKS ONE FOUNDERS WAY BETHLEHEM 610-297-7111

BECKY’S DRIVE IN Rt. 248 BERLINSVILLE http://www.beckysdi.com/

MAHONING VALLEY CINEMA CARBON PLAZA MALL LEHIGHTON 610-377-8626 http://mvcinema.com/

CARMIKE 16 1700 CATASAUQUA RD ALLENTOWN 610-264-9624 http://www.carmike.com/

MAHONING DRIVE-IN Rt 443 LEHIGHTON 570-645-6204

CARMIKE PROMENADE & IMAX 2805 CENTER VALLEY PARKWAY SAUCON VALLEY 610-709-8635 CIVIC’S THEATER 514 514 N. 19th St ALLENTOWN EMMAUS THEATER 19 S. FOURTH St 610-965-2878 THE GAP THEATER 47 BROADWAY St 610-863-3094

TOP 10 BOX OFFICE MOVIES

THE ROXY 2004 MAIN ST NORTHAMPTON 610-262-7699 http://roxytheaternorthampton.com/ SHANKWEILER’S DRIVE-IN 4540 SHANKWEILER RD (OFF Rt 309) OREFIELD 610-683-8775 http://www.shankweilers.com/

January 24th, 2014

REGAL NORTHAMPTON 14 3720 EASTON-NAZARETH HIGHWAY (ROUTES 33 & 248) LOWER NAZARETH TOWNSHIP 610-559-7800 READING MOVIES 11 & IMAX 3D 30 N. SECOND ST READING MOVIES 11 & IMAX 3D 610-374-2828

NEW DVD RELEASES

6. Fruitvale Station 7. 20 Feet from Stardom 8. Short Term 12 9. Blue Caprice 10. A Single Shot

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1. Lone Survivor 2. Frozen 3. The Wolf Of Wall Street 4. American Hustle 5. The Legend of Hercules

6. The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug 1. The Butler 2. Riddick 7. Saving Mr. Banks 3. Carrie 8. Paranormal Activity: Marked 9. Anchorman 2: Legend Continues 4. You’re Next 5. Enough Said 10. Her

REGAL POHATACONG CINEMA 12 Rt 22 PHILLIPSBURG, NJ 908-454-7500 http://www.fandango.com/

REGAL RICHLAND CROSSINGS 12 RICHLAND CROSSING QUAKERTOWN 215-536-7700 http://www.fandango.com


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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014 Page 32

ZODIAC

ARIES (3/21 – 4/19) Your social skills are smooth as silk early this week, leading to a pile of little victories. But as midweek approaches, your best bet is to slow down and be as clear as possible with friends and family. Thursday and Friday are perfect for getting things done around the house -- you may decide to initiate a repair or clean-up project that’s been simmering for months. The weekend is lots of fun for you and your people, as long as you’re all willing to follow your impulses and see what happens next! TAURUS (4/20 – 5/20) The week starts with a bang -- you may find yourself laughing all day long on Monday thanks to a combination of wacky antics and your own good energy. Midweek brings a golden opportunity to talk about your feelings with someone close -- or someone you want to bring closer. Open up and don’t hold back on anything. Thursday and Friday are great for taking care of home business, whether it’s cleaning the tub or playing with the kids. Get ready for a big brouhaha over the weekend; the social energy practically guarantees some power struggles. GEMINI (5/21 – 6/21) Listen carefully to what your friends are trying to tell you this week. Someone who’s remarkably stable will advise you to try something slightly risky -- and they’ll be dead right. Tuesday and Wednesday are filled with exciting energy, and you could find yourself moving from party to party, or friend to friend, in a chain of good times. Later in the week, you’ll need to hunker down and try to just go with the flow in spite of the fact that you may find it more difficult than usual to adapt to changing circumstances. The weekend is much sweeter, and you should have a long talk with someone like-minded. CANCER (6/22 – 7/22) Your contributions at work or at home on Monday reflect your unique nature, and should surprise more than a few people -- in a good way, of course! The middle of the week could be a bit more troubling, though, as every project seems to splinter into a million different to-do list items, each of which requires a different approach. Delegation is the key! Thursday and Friday bring a welcome respite from that madness, and you may find it considerably easier to work on more meaningful projects and plans. The weekend is great for planning ahead. LEO (7/23 - 8/22) Monday could find you trapped in the system, whether it’s at work, school or in a bureaucratic briar patch. Be wary and step lightly! Spend extra time with friends midweek -- their energy should give you just what you need to recover from your temporary slowdown. On Thursday and Friday, it’s vital to keep your cool, even while family members or coworkers are blowing up over nothing. Your calm can set a positive example and should get you ready for the weekend, when an influx of great energy is set to push you towards a victory of some kind! VIRGO (8/23 - 9/22) Start the week with at least a little deep thought -- your intellectual energy is powerful, and it’d be a shame to let it go to waste! Your mental state starts to speed up on Tuesday, and you ought to be able to think on your feet amidst even the craziest circumstances at work or with friends. Later in the week, you’ll want to use your legendary organizational skills to bring your people together in some new way. A party or outing would be perfect. Your altruistic side is brought out in a big way this weekend, so get out there and volunteer or just help out around the house.

LIBRA (9/23 - 10/22) Things aren’t quite as they seem on Monday, so take a second -- and a third -- look before making up your mind about what to do next. Your good energy midweek drives you to try new things: Maybe a restaurant, maybe a new kind of music or just about anything else, as long as it can be shared. Try to slow down on Thursday and Friday and appreciate the small details of your life. Things could get frenetic, but you’ve got a good home base. Your friends are especially important this weekend, so check in with each one. SCORPIO (10/23 - 11/21) The first half of the week requires greater care than usual -- you may need to let go of some people or notions that are holding you back. As long as you think it all through, you should find it pretty easy to get along on your own, and may be surprised by who decides to stick around. Thursday and Friday bring a surge of powerful emotional energy that should put you at peace with your choices, and you may decide to move on even further. Watch out for new challenges this weekend -- though you’re always up for a test of your abilities, you may need to draw on new resources. SAGITTARIUS (11/22 - 12/21) While you may think of yourself as a big-picture person, Monday brings details that simply cannot be ignored. Force yourself to deal with them quickly so you can get on with the rest of the week -- you’ll need to spend some time pondering the big issues in a few days. Watch out for dates or other one-on-one interactions on Thursday or Friday, as you may be a bit grumpy and less able to present your good side. Forewarned is forearmed! The travel bug should bite you hard this weekend, and it’s a good time to make plans to get out of town. CAPRICORN (12/22 - 1/19) Monday is strangely good for shopping -- you might score an unexpected deal just by browsing or window shopping. Make sure you can afford it, even with the discount! The middle part of the week brings people out in a way that makes communication much simpler and more straightforward -- just the way you like it. Things may start to get weird on Thursday, though, and you should try to thicken your skin in preparation for the odd comments that are sure to come your way. Expect quite a few requests for time, energy and money this weekend! AQUARIUS (1/20 - 2/18) If you don’t hear from your family on Monday, you may want to check in with them yourself. It’s nothing urgent, but the timing is right. If you’re looking for love, or wondering if your current relationship is right for you, expect things to sizzle in a big way midweek. You may need a few days to recover, but big business comes your way on Thursday or Friday and you’ll need serious focus to deal with it properly. Take a deep breath and get on with it! Over the weekend, show that you’re independent from someone who’s been getting cocky. PISCES (2/19 - 3/20) Monday brings a flurry of emails, IMs, phone calls and other communications your way, though you shouldn’t have to deal with all of them right away. This could make for a busy week as you play catch-up, but for the most part you’re happy to be so engaged with people. Thursday and Friday bring a strong current of romance into your life, either through someone new or a reinvigoration of old feelings. Enjoy the buzz! The weekend brings a few too many dramas courtesy of friends and family -- try to let them resolve on their own.

CLUBS AND PUBS continued HELLERTOWN

Beer Mussels 1214 Main St 610-838-8200 Friday: Leechboy Saturday: Texas Hold’em Sunday: Texas Hold’em

PALMER

WESCOSVILLE

Krocks Pub 1160 S. Krocks Rd 610-391-0648 Sat: DJ Linx

NORTHAMPTON The Gin Mill / Main St Music Hall 1750 Main Street 610-262-5486 Wednesday: Karaoke Thursday: Karaoke

Charles Chrin Community Ctr 4100 Green Pond Rd

CENTER VALLEY Melt Level 3 2805 Center Valley Parkway 610-798-9000 Fridays DJ Chubby C Saturday DJ Fog (Dan Glatts)

QUAKERTOWN Big Daddy’s Wagon Wheel Tavern Route 313 & Sternersmill Rd. 215-536-9989 Wednesdays: Scott & Wade

WIND GAP Score Card Sports Bar 130 N. Broadway 610-863-5269 Thursdays : Funtime Karaoke 9:30pm - 1:30am

MACUNGIE

The Pub On Main 102 E. Main St 610-966-2275 Tuesdays: Billy Patrick Thursdays: Comedy Night 1/23 Weyerbacher Pairing 2/2 Big Game Party The Longswamp Tavern 20 Gap Road 610-702-3700 1/18 In Our Dreams Leather Corner Post 6855 Horeshoe Road 610-395-1782 Tuesday: Trivia w/ DJ Slacker Wednesday: Acoustic Jam Thursday: Open Jam 1/17 DJ Bluto 1/18 Off The Road

READING Rumorz 220 N. Park Rd 610-374-3200

KUHNSVILLE Kuhnsville Inn 5745 Memorial Rd 610-395-2387 Wed & Fri: Karaoke

Hammerhead Lounge 326 Main Street 610-262-6713 Thursdays: Open Mic w/ Tim Harakal Fridays: DJ Statik

OREFIELD

TC Dance Club 6623 Sullivan Trail 610-881-1000

DOYLESTOWN

Puck 1 Printers Alley 215-348-9000 1/17 Rake 1/18 Rose’s Cross

CLINTON, NJ Revolution 111 W. Main Street Clinton NJ Inside Holiday Inn

Chambers 19 / The Other Side 19 N. Main Ave 215-348-1940 The Farmhouse Tavern 380 N. Main St 215-345-9373

PENNSBURG PC Pub Restaurant & Sports Bar 500 Pottstown Ave 215-679-4900 Thur/Fri/Sat: DJ The Perk 501 E. Walnut St. 215-257-8483 Wednesdays: Open Mic Thursdays: Trivia Night Saturday: Karaoke

GOULDSBORO The Grandview Gentlemens Club Rt 435 570-842-2661 1st Wed of Month - Amateur Night

STROUDSBURG Sarah Street Grill 550 Quaker Alley 570-424-9120 Wednesday: Open Mic 1/16 Chelsea Carlson 1/17 Suze 1/18 The Jauntee 1/19 Pocono Duo 1/21 Public Display of Rejection

For entertainment listings email us: thevalleybeat@gmail.com

Check Out Rake This Friday At Puck in Doylestown, PA


THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

FORMERLY GREEN PINE INN & CASEY’S

1401 S. FRONT ST ALLENTOWN, PA 18103 PHONE 610-841-3777

JOIN US JANUARY 24th FOR AN EVENING WITH

SMOKEY ROBINSON 12-23-2013

HAPPY HOUR SPECIALS MONDAY - FRIDAY 5 -7PM DAILY FOOD SPECIALS KITCHEN OPEN TIL MIDNIGHT

UPCOMING SCHEDULED ENTERTAINMENT T.B.A

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WE ALSO CATER PARTIES, BANQUETS, ETC. CALL FOR DETAILS!


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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014


THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

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THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

single in the CiTY Douchettes DecoDeD

I’ve encountered my share of douchettes over the years—young, attractive women who, through their look and attitude, transcend the normal Kenny Luck world of decency, entering into a realm of nightmarish sexuality, often times combining sexual attractiveness with a foul personality. Although a distinct species of stupid, douchettes remain a product of postmodernity and pair well with their male counterparts, douche bags. Douchettes lack substance, decry intelligence and embrace hedonism. Usually aspiring models or actresses, douchettes display a false confidence, attracting impressionable horny men in by the thousands and can be found in their natural habitat: the nightclub. Survey through a douchette Facebook profile, for instance, and you will see photograph after photograph of drunken party pictures and poolside bikini shots, complimented with comments—“Hot,” “I want you,” and “Beautiful”—from lonesome, deprived men who have nothing better to do with their time. Fake breasts and fake tans are two outward signs that you may be in the presence of a Type-1 Douchette. Worse, douchettes seem to live in a Hollywood-esque fantasy world, exploiting man’s primitive biological urge—sex—to bankroll their whole hedonistic lifestyle. Professional moochers, these women will stop at nothing to get what they want, which is usually an expensive dinner and a wardrobe that would make Imelda Marcos envious. Excessive materialism, then, helps to define the douchette. Douchettes, moreover, remain intolerant of anything intellectual—much like douchebags— and take on some of the existential qualities of their aforementioned male counterparts; some will join the fandom of professional sports, while others will keep it strictly feminine, spending countless

Has Opiate Addiction Ruined Your Life? Northeast Family Healthcare

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Compassionate Medication-Assisted Treatment in Quakertown hours staring at themselves in front of a mirror, locked in a narcissistic gaze, sculpting themselves into a hypersexual Barbie doll. Because sex sells, these women stick to what they know best and will never deviate from it. Finally, in order to sustain the illusion of sexual superiority, douchettes maintain as many “guy friend” faux friendships as possible, always appearing wanted, always appearing in control. I call these hordes of male friends, “Douchette harems.” With a phone full of male phone numbers (many of which obtained from a once-off encounter at a bar), the douchette never has to spend an evening alone . . . and never will. She never has to stay single for very long either, as the douchette persists as a serial monogamous, usually bouncing from one relationship to another without any remorse.

1040 South West End Blvd. (Rt. 309)

267-347-4560


THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

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MUSIC

Email // classifieds@thevalleybeat.com

EMPLOYMENT

Seeking Interns Drummer Wanted We are seeking motivated We are looking for drums to interns, seeking college credit complete a 4 piece rock act. We email: thevalleybeat@gmail.com have a variety of influences . Mike: 610-984-3791 Comfort Inn Quakertown GUITAR LESSONS from touring Now accepting applications. pro, performing and teaching Weekends are mandatory. No for over 30 years and has shared calls please. Reply with resume the stage with BB King, Les Paul or employment applications are and Robert Cray. 610-360-5462 available and being accepted at hotel front desk 24 hours a day. Trumpet / Bugler Needed To perform 140 Military funerals Now Hiring! per year. Primarily between Tattooist for busy shop Reading and Allentown. Leave Message 609-504-9450 610-365-2159

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EMPLOYMENT

REAL ESTATE

Delivery Drivers Wanted The Valley Beat is seeking Drivers for many areas in the Lehigh Valley. Must have own car / ins. Reply to: distribution@thevalleybeat.com

Spacious apartment, just renovated Six rooms, apartment, new kitchen, New decor, all utilities paid, near transportation. $700/month 610-266-7300

AUTOMOTIVE

1999 Honda Civic EX System Included / Clean Title $3,200.00 OBO / Call Or Text 484-268-6400

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

//CLASSIFIEDS

The Valley Beat

2003 Ram 1500 V8 SLT Crew cab short bed 5.9 v8 4x4. Coopersburg- Rooms For Rent It’s fully loaded It has 20 inch RESTAURANT Weekly or Monthly. Cable wheels please call or text 610-653-0453 Utilities and wifi included. BARTENDER Single & Double Occupancy. Roosevelt’s 21st is looking to $80/week and up. hire experienced bartenders. Clean Private. 610-282-8010 1328 West Tilghman St, Allentown, PA 21 East Elizabeth Ave, Bethlehem, PA Send resume or apply in person at either location.

TO PLACE AN AD IN OUR NEW CLASSIFIED SECTION CONTACT US TODAY... Certain Restrictions Apply

PAGE 41

FREE CLASSIFIEDS FOR A LIMITED TIME. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF A FREE OPPORTUNITY!


THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

ANU

MASSAGE IN TOWN DISCREET BEST NO IF’S, AND’S, OR

PENING

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Open Daily 10am - Midnight

24/7 - By Appt

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• Jacuzzi • Sauna • Table Shower 10 Minutes from Mt Airy Casino

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60 MINUTE SESSION FOR $50 offer valid with coupon

MONDAY - FRIDAY

610-437-9505

WINTER SPECIAL

expires 1/31/2014

Open 7 DAYS 10am - 10pm

LEHIGH VALLEY AIRPORT 2MI

Aavalon is located on the corner of Graham & 724 E. Cedar St

aavalon

Pocono Peddler’s Villiage Rt 611 Tannersville, PA

BIG WOODY’S

0.1mi from 0.3mi from Union Blvd Hanover Ave GRAHAM

E.CEDAR ST

AIRPORT RD SOUTH

10 MINUTES FROM MT. AIRY CASINO

HANOVER AVE

wawa

HALF HOUR

570-431-0123

GRAND OPENING T.S. TRESSOR ASIAN BODY THEVISITING LEHIGH MASSAGE VALLEY • CUTE GIRLS • FREE TABLE

ARIES SPA 3333 HAMILTON BLVD

AREA

610.820.0210

SHOWER

LOCATED ACROSS FROM ADULT OUTLET

Page 42

OPEN 7 DAYS 9:30am - 10pm 25min from Bethlehem

#52. RT 611 BARTONSVILLE, PA

570-468-4939

American

SELECTIVELY HIRING!

U N I O N B LV D

484-554-3047

570-234-8150

Dolls #1 In The Pocono’s

hess express cvs

JANUARY 2014 SPECIAL CALL! OPEN DAILY 9:30AM - 9PM

avalon A 724 E. CEDAR ST • ALLENTOWN, PA 18109

dunkin 0.1mi on donuts Union Blvd

MASSAGE

610-605-7299

10 Min from Mt Airy Casino

1074 Rt 390 North • Mountain Home PA 18342

917-363-4061

BUTTS ABOUT IT!

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34C-24-36---8.5 FF-GF

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•Certified Massage Therapist (Shiatsu, Swedish, Finger Pressure) •Foot Massage •Facial & Skin Care for Men Open 7 Days

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EXPIRES 1-21-14

2 MILES FROM AIRPORT

413 Union Blvd Allentown, PA 18109

610.841.7900

•SAUNA •BODY SHAMPOO •HOT TOWEL HOURS 9am - 11pm OPEN 7 DAYS A WEEK

10% OFF

WITH COUPON


THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

PAGE 43


Lessons I’ve learned...

I’ve learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes. I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it. I’ve learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you’d better have a big dick or huge tits. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think. I’ve learned that you can keep puking long after you think you’re finished. I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities. I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place. I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones who do. I’ve learned that we don’t have to ditch bad friends because their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves. I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper. I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away. I’ve learned to say “Fuck ‘em if they can’t take a joke” in 6 languages. Only In America 1. Only in America... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in America... are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in America... do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

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4. Only in America... do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in America... do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

READ THE VALLEY BEAT ONLINE FACEBOOK.COM/THEVALLEYBEAT

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

JOKES


FAMILY OWNED AND OPERATED OVER 20 YEARS WITH EXCEPTIONAL CUSTOMER SERVICE RANKED NUMBER ONE IN THE POCONO’S

PAGE 45

610-921-0777 TV, Major Motion 156 Madison Ave, Picture Films, Print and Promotional www.donatellimodels.com Reading Pa

800-537-4667

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

a t e n l o l i D


THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014 Page 46

AVAILABLE WHEREVER BEER IS SOLD! Please Drink Responsibly

AllentownBeverage.com


LAURA ANN

PHOTOS BY: RICHARD HAFNER PHOTOGRAPHY

SEE MORE PHOTOS ONLINE WWW.THEVALLEYBEAT.COM

THE VALLEY BEAT JANUARY 15, 2014

MODEL BEAT

Age: 31 Grantville, PA What do you do to make $$? Nurse, Promo-

Would you like to be considered for Model of the Week? Contact randy@donatellimodels.com or mickey@donatellimodels.com

PAGE 47

tional Model, Ring Girl (Xtreme Fight Events.) Are you? Single, dating, engaged, or married? Dating. How would our readers get to know you or become your friend? FaceBook “Cage Xgirls “ Where was your best vacation destination? Belize – Loved the Beaches & Excursions. What do you do to relax? Lying by the Pool & in the Winter Fireplace Cuddling. What sports do you watch the most? Xtreme Fighting & Boxing Also Football & Hockey. What is your favorite alcoholic beverage? Girly Drinks, Malibu & Pineapple. What happens to be your worst vice? Worshipping & Addicted to the Sun. What is your best feature? My Abs & Smile. What TV show do you never miss each week? The Walking Dead !!! I will survive the Zombie Apocalypse … Who wants to be in my World? What movie would you recommend to our readers? White House Down. What is at the top of your “Bucket List?” Travel the World. Are you a Spender or a Saver? Saver but get into trouble when I need retail Therapy. What have you done in the last year that you would think is news to our readers? Representing Splitip Fight Wear & XFE.. Representing MMA World. What do you sleep in? Tank & Booty Shorts So Comfy. What is the worst pick-up line ever tried on you? You intimidate me. What do you want guys to know about sex/ relationships that you wish they knew (but they don’t)!? Treat me like the Princes I am. Embrace me & Love me.


STAY CONNECTED WITH US! /THESBEC @THESBEC

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BOX OFFICE: 610.297.7414 SBEC-valleybeat-JAN 15.indd 1

1/10/14 4:25 PM

Issue 174 january 15, 2014  

The Valley's Hottest Alternative Weekly Free Newspaper!

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